The neighbor of a four-year-old child was an elderly gentleman, who had recently

lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentl
eman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just
said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right. We do not need an intelligen
t mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens. - ! ! !
A lesson in perspective: The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobster
s in the ship's kitchen.
It has been reported that the Tooth Fairy has collapsed and died of a heart atta
ck today after accidentally getting lost and wandering onto the set of the Jerry
Springer Show.
17,000 atheists in the Middle East rioted this week after a blank sheet of paper
was found on a cartoonist's desk.
When life hands you lemons make grape juice. Then sit back and watch as the worl
d wonders how you did it.
My friend thinks he's so smart; he said onions are the only food that make you c
ry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or, as my doctor calls them, "symptoms.
"
Last week I scrached my crotch while trying to swat a fly and four people told m
e I was a good dancer.
I'm being treated by a Voodoo acupuncturist. I don't go to his office, I just ra
ndomly feel better.
I'm not one to brag about my press exposure, but yes, it's true what they're say
ing in my local paper: I am selling my couch.
I was told I needed to do some soul searching so I Googled James Brown.
I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on, I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA
SMELL THIS!".
As I get older my tastes are changing. For instance, I used to not like brussels
sprouts, but now I don't like people.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Unless you're stupid. In which case, who ca
res?
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only
it worked. I have no idea where I am.

I've, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you'll read this, like William, Sha
tner.
Revenge is a dish best served with anchovies. Seriously, it hides the taste of t
he cyanide.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four of them in "Platitude-Quoting Idio
t."
I'll be joking telepathically rest of the day, so if you think of something funn
y...that's me.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product
, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
"Vegan" is a Native American word that means "really lousy hunter."
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak ba
ck in by putting on glasses.
Sorry, I'm in a hurry, lets talk while we walk...You go that way.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, this chicken was somewhere between
7' to 10' tall.
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs he
lp.
My short-term memory is terrible, but it's not nearly as bad as my short-term me
mory.
Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone.
Sometimes auto-correct can be a real motherforklift.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think w
e lost them."
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is
the only silver lining in my day.
The worst time to hear really bad news is probably right after you've taken a la
rge hit from a helium balloon.
They say penis size is related to shoe size which makes the fear of being raped
by a clown that much scarier.
We'll be friends till we're old and senile...then we'll be new friends
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Isn't it ironic that "exercise" and "extra fries" sound so much alike?
If a Facebook video says, "...you won't believe what happens next!" I suggest yo
ur replace "believe" with "care."

I was planning to get a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink.
I've never seen a tombstone that read, "Died from not forwarding that email to 1
0 people."
Never go to a plastic surgeon whose favorite artist is Picasso.
The inventor of autocorrect has died. I didn't even know he was I'll.
When I was a child I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young.
My favorite thing about going camping is when I stay home & don't.
I've seen The Blair Witch Project and that's all I need to know about camping.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
I just bought a new binary abacus. It has one bead.
If actions speak louder than words, then why is it the thought that counts?
When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is willing to play. And you'r
e not at a urinal. And it's their nose.
Teach a man to phish, and he'll pretend he's a Nigerian businessman.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chic
ken fried this rice.
Not to brag, but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If I am ever on life support, unplug me, then plug me back in; see if that works
.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily I'm in the other 4%.
Not to get technical but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
I'm happy when life hands me lemons. Can't do shots of tequila with artichokes.
Is it easier to be a drag queen if you're Muslim?
The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and o
wning a juicer.
The next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone I will appear to be shocked
and whisper quietly,"You can see me?"
Stupid autocorrect! I end up posting some thong I didn't Nintendo.
Today I will live in the moment, unless the moment is unpleasant, in which case
I will eat a cookie.
Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

When you change your mind, what do you do with the diaper?
I guess that saying "Opposites attract" isn't really true, because I'm fairly sm
art and I don't like you at all.
You know you're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
I'm sorry, did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Shhhh...that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.
Did you have an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Body by Nautilus...brain by Mattel.
I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample
, there was an olive was in it.
Not to brag or anything but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.
You can tell that Charles Manson really loves his fiance by the way he hasn t murde
red her.
Do you know why Turtle Wax is so expensive? Because turtles have really tiny ear
s.
The redneck version of Star Wars: "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
Being a grown up is the stupidest thing I've ever done.
If I followed my dreams I'd be at a liquor store in Hawaii.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to "Toys For Tots" before
you're eligible for an Xbox?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. Long story short, my chiropractor
now has a new boat.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schro

dinger's cat.
My friend started a business in Afghanistan selling land mines that look like pr
ayer rugs. He says prophets are going through the roof. . .
I wasn't planning on going for a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Shout out to all you amnesiacs out there...and I don't think you know who you ar
e.
I once dated a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
There's a new show about street performers gone bad. It's called 'Criminal Mimes
'.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, "Wow! That guy must be real
ly blind."
When I'm bored I send a text to a random phone number saying, "I hid the body...
Now what?"
Lying about my age has gotten easier now that I have trouble remembering what it
is.
The secret to making a truly tasty vegan burger is to use beef.
Q: Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
A: Because he's married.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10
minutes. It's my screen saviour.
I like Jesus, but he loves me, so things are a bit awkward...
If I became invisible, I d find a performing street mime and beat the crap out of
him; the round of applause he d get would be astounding.
For the first 3 years after she moved in with us, my mother-in-law thought I had
Tourette's. Then she figured out that I just freaking hate being around her.
I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.
I have CDO. It's similar to OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order. A
s they should be.
Always nice to meet a man of Bovine Intelligence.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Schizophrenia affects 6 out 3 people.
If a serial killer commits suicide, at least you can console his family by sayin
g, "Hey, he died doing what he loved."
Don't make me repeat myself because I can't remember what I just said.
What's the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if
they're not going to joust?

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you'r
e on drugs." I said, "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."
In Beijing there is a wooden sculpture of the Emperor Chung. It's titled Chung i
n Teak.
If your wife is giving birth and the midwife doesn't show up on time, would that
be called a midwife crisis?
Money is so tight right now that I'm taking a vacation on Google Street View thi
s year.
A: A framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Q: What is the worst gift you can get a person with OCD?
So I typed Neanderthal into a Speak and Spell and it said, "OOGA BOOGA!"
This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
I enjoy long, romantic walks to the fridge.
I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I disco
ver they're just REGULAR donuts.
Practice safe eating...use condiments.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a
success at something you hate. ~ George Burns
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. ~ G
roucho Marx
My home security system is 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how muc
h they carpool.
Half the journey is knowing where you're parked.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don't know how to help him.
If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.
I send Christmas cards to old folks I dont know hoping they will respond w/ mone
y, thinking they just forgot who I am.
Yeah, I'm just a fun filled little lollipop triple dipped in psycho.
I don't remember much about last night but the fact that I needed sunglasses jus
t to open the refrigerator this morning tells me it was awesome.
"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genu
ine or not." ~ Abraham Lincoln
There's a website called BlackPeopleMeet.com. If it was WhitePeopleMeet.com Al S
harpton would be screaming racism. What the...?!
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) has consi
dered changing it's name to the National Association for the Advancement of Afri

can Americans, but then thought...NAAAA.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Thanks for the $100 whole foods gift card; I'm really going to enjoy this banana
.
Let's see: there's a Highway To Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven. Says a lot a
bout anticipated traffic numbers.
Don't you just hate those people that bang on your door and say you need to be "
saved" or you'll "burn?" Stupid firemen.
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that secon
d week.
People that use big words incorrectly are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I think my smart phone is broken. I pressed the home button and I m still at work.
I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. I am now I'm the proud owner of ais
le 7.
I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs. Like customs officers.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website. Last week. It was awkward.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to
see if she really said the things that she insists I forgot.
Doctor: "We got your test results back. I'm so sorry but...it's Curiosity."
Cat: "Oh my god..."
The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a probl
em.
I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.
BREAKING NEWS: The Weather Channel picked up picked up "Weather" for another sea
son!!!
"Yes I understand that's your face, but it's also the place where I need to put
my butthole." ~ Cats
My mother-in-law's estate sale was a huge success. We made over $3000 just from
her leftover pills!
Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that online somewh
ere.
My doctor ordered me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, actually he said "less Mcdonal
ds" but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant.
Spent the morning at the farmers' market carefully selecting fruits and vegetabl
es to throw away next Saturday.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Do Jewish vampires still avoid crosses?

What is a picture of a thousand words worth?

Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full?
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "
Not available in all states"?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth an
d you are the main witness, what if you say "no"?
If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word "lisp"?
Why is tuna sometimes called "tuna fish?" Chicken is never called "chicken bird.
"
Do butterflies remember their life as a caterpillar?
Who coined the phrase, "coined the phrase"?
Why are you "in" a movie, but "on" TV?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical questions?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered "assassinated"
instead of just "murdered?"
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Which way does a compass point in space?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices fo
r President put forth by either party in an upcoming election.
Q: What did one snow-man say to the other?
A: Do you smell carrots?
My favorite yoga position is the downward facing nap.
I went on vacation to China and bought a pair of shoes. I looked on the sole and
it said "Made around the corner."
I wonder if people who watch "Finding Bigfoot" know that every episode they watc
h will end with them NOT finding Bigfoot.
I love eBay! Just sold my homing pigeons for the 8th time!
Schizophrenia affects 6 out of 3 people.
My mother-in-law had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I
still don't know how much she charged him, though.
Studies have shown that smoking cannabis causes short term memory loss. Next the

y'll be saying that smoking cannabis causes short term memory loss.
My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who
grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Will you be attending the National Schizophrenia Convention? Anybody who's every
body will be there.
For the life of me, I can t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
The toy inside my McDonald's Apathy Meal is just a lump of gray plastic and an i
nstruction sheet that says "Whatever. This job sucks."
"Hey, my face is UP HERE and also OVER HERE" ~ woman in Picasso painting
I was so disappointed when I discovered that there was no weed in a pot pie.
I wonder how many mimes have died because nobody believed they were choking.
I haven't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years; I hope he's okay.
I don't understand why pretty much every one of my wife's Women's magazine has 2
0 pages of "accept yourself", 40 pages of "lose 30 lbs in 4 weeks"...and cake re
cipes.
Those empty calories sure do take up a lot of space.
If you think drinking is not the answer, you are clearly asking the wrong questi
ons.
TO DO LIST: 1-Go to pet store. 2-Buy bird seed. 3-Ask how long it will take for
the bird to grow. 4-Wait for the reaction.
There is a new gym in town called "Resolutions". For the first two weeks of the
year it's a gym, the rest of the time it's a bar.