ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

"The Gang Writes For Children"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

TITLE: 12:15 pm
TITLE: On a Wednesday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:
DEE
OK. My book club is gonna be here
soon.
INT. PADDYS PUB - DAY
Dee, Dennis, Mac, Charlie, and Frank are by the bar area.
Dennis is polishing a glass.
DEE
Please dont embarrass me this
time. Just, stay over here by the
bar.
CHARLIE
What are you talking about? Me and
Frank joined the club.
Three WOMEN (40-45) walk into the bar.
WOMAN 1
Hey, Dee!
DEE
Hey.
(to Charlie)
Youre not in the club. OK?
The Women sit at a table. Dee, Charlie, and Frank join them.
CHARLIE
Hey, ladies. Im Charlie, and this
is Frank. Were in your book club.
WOMAN 2
Oh. OK.
Everyone sits down at a table.
DEE
Actually, no. They...

2.
FRANK
(to everyone)
OK. Ill go first.
(gets up)
Hi, my name is Frank, and Im a
reader.
CHARLIE
Hi. Frank.
DEE
This is a book club--not an AA
meeting.
FRANK
(to Everyone)
Anyways. This week, I read a People
Magazine article about how Reese
Witherspoon got a yeast infection.
CHARLIE
OK. My turn.
(gets up)
Hi. My name is Charlie, and Im a
reader.
FRANK
Hi, Charlie. What did you read?
CHARLIE
(to everyone)
The Cat in the Hat.
DEE
Well--the rest of us read Wuthering
Heights.
Frank sits down.
CHARLIE
(to Everyone)
Heres my main issue with The Cat
in the Hat. You flip through 61
pages--and even if you have someone
read all the words to you, you
still never find out why the cat is
wearing a hat.
FRANK
Thats why you should read People
Magazine. They explain exactly how
Reese Witherspoon got a yeast
infection.

3.

DEE
You guys arent in the club! So
please just go over there!
CHARLIE
Fine. Whatever. Your club is
stupid, anyway.
Charlie and Frank walk back to the bar area, where Dennis
and Mac are. Dennis is still polishing the same glass.
CHARLIE
I was just thinking. Dr. Seuss
made, like, a jilliion dollars with
The Cat in the Hat. So how about we
write our own childrens book?
About a goat in a boat.
Opening credits: "The Gang Writes For Children"
FRANK
OK. First things first, lets give
the book a catchy title.
CHARLIE
I got one. Wuthering Goat.
FRANK
Thats perfect.
MAC
How about The Goat in a Boat?
FRANK
Thats even better!
CHARLIE
How about The Wuthering Goat in a
Boat?
FRANK
That depends.
CHARLIE
On what?
FRANK
On what the word "wuthering" means.
Back to the table where Dee and the Women are sitting

4.

WOMAN 1
...I could really identify with
Catherines love of Heathcliff.
DEE
Me, too. I also liked the way she
dressed. She wore the cutest
outfits.
WOMAN 1
Dee. Did you watch the movie
instead of reading the book?
DEE
What? No. Of course not.
(points to the book she has on
the table)
I have the book right here.
WOMAN 2
And where do you have the movie?
DEE
Its on Netflix. I mean, I dont
know. Did they make a movie out of
Wuthering Heights? They shouldnt
have made a movie. Cause I prefer
the book.
WOMAN 1
At least tell me you didnt watch
the 2014 version, starring Lindsay
Lohan.
DEE
Hey! Lindsay Lohan is a phenomenal
actress--OK? Mean Girls, Herbie
Fully Loaded, Wuthering Heights.
Shes great in all of those movies.
WOMAN 2
I think we better go.
DEE
Fine! Get lost, whores! All of you
are whores who think youre too
good for Lindsay Lohan movies.
The Women start getting up and leaving.
The guys are still at the bar.

5.

CHARLIE
...And the boat will be red. Now
lets move on to the goat. I say we
make it orange.
FRANK
Right. Unless the goat is
wuthering--in which case well make
it pink.
Dennis stops polishing his glass.
DENNIS
Will you guys stop talking about
this crap!? No ones gonna read a
book about a goat in a freaking
boat.
Dennis resumes polishing his glass.
MAC
(to everyone else)
Hes right. We should write a book
about an ape in a cape.
CHARLIE
I hear you. And well call the book
Wuthering Ape.
FRANK
Im sticking with a goat in a boat.
CHARLIE
Yes! Hes a goat, hes in a boat,
he eats oats, he wears a coat, and
he has the right to vote for
another goat.
MAC
Dude. No. Ape in a cape.
CHARLIE
I have an even better idea. Lets
put the goat in a cape.
MAC
"Goat" doesnt rhyme with "cape."
CHARLIE
What do you mean rhyme?

6.

MAC
Rhyme. Like all the rhymes you just
made. Goat, vote, coat, boat, oat.
CHARLIE
Dude--I didnt notice how those
words rhyme. I just thought, a goat
in a coat in a boat votes and eats
oats. Thats a good story. But it
would be better to put the goat in
a cape. And it would be better to
take out the voting. Cause, I
mean, now that I think about it,
goats dont really believe in
democracy.
Dee grabs a few beers from the bar, takes them back to her
table, and sits down. She opens one of the beers and starts
drinking it.
DEE
(to herself)
So what if they read the book?
Those bitches dont even appreciate
Wuthering Heights the way I do. I
didnt just watch the movie. I
completely took in all the
wuthering, and all the heights.
(drinks some more beer)
Wuthering Heights.
(drinks some more beer)
(in British accent)
Wuthering Heights.
Back to the guys
CHARLIE
Wait! I got it! Lets do a whale in
a pail who drinks ale, delivers
mail, wears a cape, and just got
out of jail after making bail.
FRANK
I see your whale in a pail, and I
raise you a cheetah in a fajita.
CHARLIE
Wait a second. Are you guys
thinking what Im thinking? How
about we put the whale in a fajita?

7.

FRANK
Hold on! I got it! A Jew in a shoe!
CHARLIE
Are you guys thinking what Im
thinking? Lets put the Jew in a
fajita.
Dennis is still polishing his glass. He stops and finally
interjects
DENNIS
Damn it Charlie! These ideas keep
on getting worse and worse. No
ones gonna read a book about
a whale in a cape, or a Jew in
fajita. OK? I mean, kids dont read
books anymore. They watch TV.
MAC
Thats true. What we got to do is
make a TV show like Spongebob.
CHARLIE
Wait. Are you guys thinking what
Im thinking?
DENNIS
Damn it, Charlie. You better not
say anything about putting
Spongebob in a fajita.
CHARLIE
No. Sponge and Bob have both
already been done. Lets do
something original. Well go with a
napkin named Rob.
MAC
And what about the cape?
CHARLIE
No cape. A kilt. Our character is
Scottish. Hes McNapkinRob.
Dee is still drinking beer at her table.
DEE
(to herself)
(in British accent)
Heathcliff is the one I love the
most. Its Heathcliff. But I simply
cannot marry him.

8.
(Later)
Dee now has four empty beer bottles on her table.
DEE
(to herself)
(in British accent)
Tonight, I shall find out his true
feelings.
Mac, Dennis, Charlie, and Frank are still seated at the
table, and here are empty beer bottles all around them.
MAC
OK. So, our best idea so far is
Owen, the half black half Mexican
Snowman.
Dee walks up to them.
DEE
(in British accent)
Hello, father. Heathcliff. Edgar.
Hindley.
MAC
Dee. What do you want? Were
busy. Were creating a character
for our childrens show.
DEE
(in British accent)
I see. Well. Many have remarked
that I have considerable skill in
such arts.
DENNIS
What the hell are you talking
about?
DEE
(in British accent)
I have created a number of amusing
characters over the years--for
instance, Martina Martinez, Taiwan
Tammy, and Captain Barnacle.
Perhaps I might assist you in
creating a childrens character.
CHARLIE
(to the others)
Wait a second. Are you guys
thinking what Im thinking?

9.
FRANK
Yes. We should put the fajita in a
shoe.
CHARLIE
No. I was thinking that Dee would
make a good character. Just, you
know, as Dee.
DENNIS
Yes. Shes like Spongebob, only
shes not a dumb blonde
sponge--shes a dumb blonde woman.
MAC
(to Dennis, Charlie, and
Frank)
Shes Ditzy Dee.
DENNIS
Alright. Lets start drawing this
up. Do any of you know how to draw?
MAC
I know an alcoholic artist. We can
pay him in beer.
INT. BAR - DAY
AL (40) is sitting at the bar with Dennis, Mac, Charlie,
Frank, and Dee.
MAC
Al. This is Dee. We need you to
draw a cartoon character based on
her.
AL
A cartoon character? You mean,
like, Dee the bird?
MAC
Yes! Thats a great idea!
DEE
(in British accent)
Well. It does not strike me as a
particularly good idea.
CHARLIE
Strike? Dee--were not talking
about baseball.

10.

DEE
(in British accent)
Gentleman. I must make my return to
the yard. I bid thee farewell.
MAC
Dee. Will you please stop talking
so much? Were trying to work here!
Dee leaves.
AL
Before I start working, Im gonna
need some of my payment first.
MAC
Right. Yeah. Ten beers.
(Later)
Al is sitting next to ten empty beer bottles.
Dennis is still polishing a glass. Frank and Charlie are
nearby. Mac is doing push ups in another section of the bar.
AL
Alright. Im done.
Frank looks at the drawing.
FRANK
Interesting.
Dennis looks at the drawing.
DENNIS
(to Mac)
Uh. Mac. You might want to come
over here and look at this.
Mac walks over to Al and looks at his drawing.
MAC
(to Al)
What the hell is this?
The drawing is actually a Tic Tac Toe board with a few Xs
and Os.
AL
Um. Yeah. I dont really know how
to draw.

11.

CHARLIE
Also, your Tic Tac Toe strategy is
kind of crazy. I mean, you drew all
your Xs backwards and upside down.
DENNIS
Mac. I thought you said he was an
alcoholic artist.
MAC
(to Al)
Arent you an alcoholic artist?
AL
Im just an alcoholic. Not an
artist. Can I have another beer?
MAC
You can have another
get-the-fuck-out-of here.
FRANK
(to Mac, Charlie, and Dennis)
I see what the problem is. This
guys not Korean. We need to hire
Koreans to do the animation.
CHARLIE
You mean Korean alcoholics?
DENNIS
You know what? We dont need
animators. We can make this, like,
a live action show.
MAC
Right. Yeah. Dee will wear a cape
and eat grapes, and then well film
the whole thing with a studio
audience.
FRANK
Right. So where the hell is Dee?
INT. DEES APARTMENT - DAY
Dee is standing and talking to nobody.
DEE
(to herself)
(in British accent)
(MORE)

12.
DEE (contd)
I believe Edgar is planning to
propose to me. But should I marry
him, when my heart belongs to
another?
The doorbell rings. Dee opens it to reveal Mac, Dennis, and
Charlie. Charlie is holding a box wrapped in newspaper.
DEE
(in British accent)
Heathcliff. Edgar. Hindley. What
bring the three of you here?
DENNIS
We got you a gift.
DEE
(in British accent)
What for?
CHARLIE
You see. Were trying to manip...
Dennis pokes Charlie.
DENNIS
Were trying to manipulate the
system that says you can only buy
gifts for a reason. We bought you a
gift just because.
CHARLIE
Yeah. Just because were trying to
manipu...
MAC
Charlie! This is the part where you
stop talking, and hand Dee the
gift.
Charlie hands Dee the box.
DEE
(in British accent)
Come in.
They walk in. The four of them sit down. Dee examines the
box.
DEE
(in British accent)
Why is this wrapped in newspaper?

13.

MAC
Because we have manners--so we
wouldnt give you a gift that
wasnt wrapped.
DEE
(in British accent)
I see. However, it is customary to
wrap a gift in gift wrap.
DENNIS
Its the same thing, Dee! Paper is
paper!
DEE
(in British accent)
But why did you use the obituary
section. I mean, you couldve at
least...
CHARLIE
Dee! Will you just open the damn
gift so we can manip...
DENNIS
(to Dee)
Just open the gift, Dee!
DEE
(in British accent)
Calm down, Hindley. I will open the
gift.
Dee sits down and opens the gift. It contains a roll of duct
tape, a bunch of grapes, and a cape with banana peels taped
to it.
DEE
(in British accent)
Hm. Tape. Some grapes. And a cape.
MAC
Yeah. You know. Like, if you want
to tape something, you can use the
tape. And if you want to eat grapes
while youre wearing a cape, you
can use the grapes and the cape.
the doorbell rings. Dennis opens it to reveal Frank, ROBERTO
(45, Mexican), and 20 MEXICAN CHILDREN. Frank is holding a
few pizza boxes.

14.

FRANK
(to the Children)
Everyone go in. Entra, entra.
The Children come in and sit on a sofa.
DEE
(to Frank)
(in British accent)
Who are these visitors, father?
FRANK
Theyre my friends. Theyre just
gonna hang out with us for a while.
(to Everyone)
Pizza time!
He puts the pizza boxes on a table in front of the Kids.
One Child walks up to Mac.
CHILD
Senor. Donde esta los bebes?
MAC
I dont hablo. And Im gonna need
to see your green card.
DENNIS
Frank. Can I talk to you for a
second?
Frank walks over to Dennis, and Charlie and Mac join them.
DENNIS
Frank. Why is our studio audience
Mexican?
MAC
Yeah. I mean, I might have to call
up immigration on them.
FRANK
You told me to bring over a bunch
of kids. So I went to my plumber
Robertos house, and I brought over
his kids and his kids cousins, and
I told them wed have a pizza
party. So there you go. Your studio
audience.

15.
CHARLIE
Good thinking.
DENNIS
Yeah. That is good thinking. Except
for one minor detail. Our studio
audience doesnt speak English!
MAC
And theyre illegal immigrants.
Theyre using up our tax money.
FRANK
Well. Robertos five kids speak
English--but their cousins dont.
DENNIS
Well our show is in English. Now
three quarters of our audience
isnt gonna understand it.
FRANK
Just convert it to a Spanish show.
The Spanish speaking market is
huge. Spanish is the second most
popular language in the world.
English is number three.
CHARLIE
Whats number one?
FRANK
Chinese.
CHARLIE
Then why arent we doing a Chinese
show?
FRANK
Because we dont know Chinese.
CHARLIE
We dont know Spanish, either.
FRANK
Well. You know the basics. Si, no,
burrito, sombrero. Just have Dee
say yes to a hat.
DENNIS
Thats not the show, Frank. Youre
compromising our artistic vision.
Our artistic vision doesnt involve
Dee saying yes to a hat.

16.

MAC
Dude. I think youre totally
missing the true essence of our
artistic vision.
DENNIS
Which is?
MAC
That Dee is a bird.
Dee walks over to them.
DEE
(in British accent)
What the Dickens is going on here?
DENNIS
Dee--well explain everything to
you, right after you put on the
cape, eat some grapes, say yes to a
hat, and act like a bird, and start
speaking Spanish.
DEE
(in British accent)
What?
DENNIS
Its que. Not "what."
CHARLIE
(privately to Dennis, Mac, and
Frank)
Wait a second. Does grape rhyme
with cape in Spanish?
DENNIS
Whatever. Roll the tape, Mac.
Mac takes out his cell phone and starts recording Dee.
FRANK
(announcing to everyone)
Damas y caballeros. Welcome-o to
the El Dee Show.
MAC
(to Dee)
Alright, Dee. Start acting like a
bird.

17.

DEE
(in British accent)
What, pray tell, are you talking
about? I know not of what you mean.
DENNIS
Dee! Stop speaking British, and
start speaking Spanish!
DEE
Listen, you idiot! Im not a
Mexican childrens show character!
(in British accent)
Im Catherine. I reside at
Wuthering Heights.
DENNIS
Youre Ditzy Dee! DD. No ones
gonna watch a show about Ditzy
Catherine. Youre compromising our
artistic vision.
MAC
(to Dee)
But on the plus side, youre doing
a good job with the whole bird
theme.
DENNIS
Yeah. Thats true.
(to Dee)
Keep doing the bird thing.
DEE
(in British accent)
Gentlemen. I can assure you that
theres no bird-ery taking place
right now.
The doorbell rings.
DENNIS
Who the hell is that?
Dennis opens to the door to reveal MCNAPKINROB--a 40 year
old man holding a bottle of whiskey, and wearing a cape and
a hat, as well as a kilt made of napkins.
DENNIS
Uh. Who the hell are you?

18.

MCNAPKINROB
Im McNapkinRob!
CHARLIE
Holy crap! Its McNapkinRob!
MAC
Right. Yeah. Hes wearing a napkin
kilt.
McNapkinRob walks in.
DENNIS
Um. How is there an actual person
named McNapkinRob?
McNapkinRob drinks whiskey while Charlie sings.
CHARLIE
Im gonna sing the McNapkinRob
theme song.
(sings)
McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob
/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / He is
a Scott / And a napkin / He does a
lot / Of tap dancing / He wears a
cape and a kilt and a hat / Hell
tell you that yo mamma is so fat
/ He uses his napkin powers to
clean / He uses his Scottish powers
to drink / His home is shaped like
a bottle of whiskey / His car looks
a lot like a box of napkins / He
watches reruns of Lucy and Ricky /
And Cheers, The Simpsons, and also
Whats Happening?
DENNIS
Um. Im pretty sure all McNapkinRob
does is drink whiskey.
DEE
(in British accent)
I must concur with the gentleman.
MCNAPKINROB
Yo mammas so fat, she has her own
zip code.
FRANK
You gotta say it in Spanish,
McNapkinRob.

19.

MCNAPKINROB
Uh. Tu mama es so gordo, she, uh,
ella, uh, tiene un numero de zip
code-o.
Some of the Children laugh.
FRANK
Kids. Do you, uh, te gusta El
McNapkinRob?
CHILDREN
Si. McNapkinRob.
FRANK
(to Mac, Dennis, and Charlie)
I think we got a hit. Charlie--you
gotta sing the theme song in
Spanish.
CHARLIE
(sings)
McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob
/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / Si
sombrero, no burrito / Tu mama es
gordo, tu mama es loco
INT. PADDY-S PUB - DAY
Mac and Charlie are at the bar.
MAC
Man. Im freaking hung over.
Something about hanging out with
McNapkinRob--it just made me drink
like crazy.
CHARLIE
Thats McNapkinRobs specialty.
Making other people drink.
MAC
I thought his specialty was making
himself drink.
CHARLIE
Actually, I think his specialty is
being a napkin.
Dee is seated at a table with three new WOMEN. Dee is
drinking whiskey straight out of a bottle.

20.

WOMAN 4
Well. It was a tough
but I thought it was
rewarding. It really
my mind, and look at
new perspectives.

book to read,
really
made me expand
the world from

DEE
Yeah. And, um, I really enjoyed
watching the relationship between
Maggie and Herbie develop. And I
liked how the number 53 was right
there on Herbie.
WOMAN 5
Um. That wasnt in Finnegans Wake.
It sounds like youre describing
the movie Herbie Fully Loaded.
DEE
Well. What I meant to say was that,
um, I was fascinated by how, like,
Finnegan ate Pop Tarts every
morning. I think that was a
metaphor for his, like, love of
breakfast.
WOMAN 4
Now it sounds like youre
describing a Pop Tart commercial.
DEE
So? Whats your point? Do you have
something against Pop Tarts, or
Lindsay Lohan? Lindsay Lohan is
great actress. And you three are
pretentious whores! Anyone who
reads Finnegans Wake or any other
book is a pretentious whore!
WOMAN 5
I think we better go.
They get up and start to leave.
DEE
Fine! Go! I dont care! And if you
see Finnegan, tell him to kiss my
ass!
They walk out. Seconds later, Dennis enters.

21.
DENNIS
Alright, guys. Good work yesterday.
DEE
What do you mean good work? Some
Scottish guy wore napkins and drank
whiskey for an hour in front of a
bunch of Mexican kids. Thats not
work.
DENNIS
Dee. We said speak Spanish---OK?
MAC
Dude--we dont need Dee to speak
Spanish anymore. Remember? We
dropped Ditzy Dee, and we went with
McNapkinRob.
DENNIS
Even so, I still think Dee should
speak Spanish. That way we wont
understand all the dumb shit that
she says every day.
MAC
Good point. I didnt think of
that. By the way--did you put the
video on YouTube?
DENNIS
Yeah. I uploaded it, like, an hour
ago.
CHARLIE
Alright. Lets see how many views
we got.
Mac takes out his cell phone and types.
Frank enters.
MAC
OK. McNapkinRob. ... Uh. 25 views.
CHARLIE
Well. Thats a good start. I mean,
it takes time time for a Mexican
childrens show to go viral.
DEE
McNapkinRob is a stupid character,
and a racist stereotype. You need a
good character--like Taiwan Tammy.

22.

DENNIS
Dee. Will you please close your
el-mouth-o? OK? Either stop
talking, or at lease speak Spanish,
so we wont understand you.
FRANK
(to Mac)
Did our video get any of those dot
com rating things?
MAC
Uh. We got 2 thumbs up, and 16
thumbs down.
DENNIS
Are there any comments?
MAC
Yeah. One says, "McNapkinRob is
gay." Another one says,
"McNapkinRob es un maricon." And
another one says, "The cameraman
probably wants to bang
McNapkinRob." Dude. How could this
guy even know that?
DENNIS
You mean you do want to bang
McNapkinRob?
MAC
No.
FRANK
Well. I guess McNapkinRob is
cancelled.
CHARLIE
Says who? I mean, when Spongebob
debuted, they also called him a
maricon.
DENNIS
Heres what I dont get. How was
there an actual McNapkinRob in
Dees apartment?
CHARLIE
What do you mean?

23.

DENNIS
Like, some actual guy named
McNapkinRob showed up. How is that
possible?
MAC
Right. Yeah. I got so caught up in
McNapkinRob fever, that I forgot
about that. How is there a guy
named McNapkinRob?
CHARLIE
What are you talking about? I mean,
if theres a McNapkinRob theme
song, theres gotta be a
McNapkinRob.
DEE
But you made up the theme song.
CHARLIE
So?
DENNIS
So how is there an actual
McNapkinRob?
CHARLIE
Because theres a McNapkinRob theme
song--so theres gotta be a
McNapkinRob.
FRANK
McNapkinRob is Ed Franklin--my
other plumber. I figured Dee might
not stick to our script, so I
brought in my other plumber as a
backup on the show. Yeah. My
plumber will do pretty much
anything for $50 an hour. Except
for fix a toilet or pipes. He
doesnt really do any plumbing.
DEE
Then how the hell is he your
plumber?
FRANK
Well. The term "plumber," is, like,
a euphemism or something. You know.
As in, "My quote unquote plumber
will bleach your anus for $50 an
hour."

24.

McNapkinRob enters.
MCNAPKINROB
Yo mamas so fat, that after sex,
she smokes turkeys.
FRANK
Yeah. Im gonna have to cancel
todays performance, Ed. Your show
got cancelled on account of low
ratings, and people calling you a
maricon.
MCNAPKINROB
(in normal vice, with no
Scottish accent)
Oh. Well. You got me for five hours
today. Is there anything else you
want me to do?
FRANK
Uh. How would you feel about
playing a Jew in a shoe?
MAC
Dude. No. A goat in a boat.
CHARLIE
Are you guys thinking what Im
thinking? Lets put the goat in a
Jew.
DENNIS
Shut your damn mouth, Charlie!
(to Dee)
And Dee--shut your mouth, too!