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Mindfulness For Dummies
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
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Relaxation For Dummies
Creative Visualization
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Mindfulness-Based Cognitive
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Sample chapter from

Mindfulness

Chapter 1

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Discovering Mindfulness
In This Chapter
Discovering the benefits of mindfulness
Exploring the journey of mindfulness

AT

Defining mindfulness

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indfulness means paying attention on purpose, in the present

moment, with qualities like compassion, curiosity and acceptance.

IG

Through being mindful, you discover how to live in the present moment in an
enjoyable way rather than worrying about the past or being concerned about
the future. The past has already gone and cant be changed. The future is yet
to arrive and is completely unknown. The present moment, this very moment
now, is ultimately the only moment you have. Mindfulness shows you how
to live in this moment in a harmonious way. You find out how to make the
present moment a more wonderful moment to be in the only place you can
create, decide, listen, think, smile, act or live.

PY

You can develop and deepen mindfulness through doing mindfulness meditation on a daily basis, from a few minutes to as long as you want. This chapter
introduces you to mindfulness and mindfulness meditation and welcomes
you aboard a fascinating journey.

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Part I: Introducing Mindfulness

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Understanding the Meaning

of Mindfulness

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Mindfulness was originally developed in ancient times, and can be found in

Eastern and Western cultures. Mindfulness is a translation of the ancient
Indian word Sati that means awareness, attention and remembering:

Awareness. This is an aspect of being human that makes you conscious

of your experiences. Without awareness, nothing would exist for you.

AT

Attention. Attention is a focused awareness; mindfulness training develops your ability to move and sustain your attention wherever and however you choose.

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Remembering. This aspect of mindfulness is about remembering to pay

attention to your experience from moment to moment. Being mindful is
easy to forget. The word remember originally comes from the Latin re
again and memorari be mindful of.

IG

Say that you want to practise mindfulness to help you cope with stress.
At work, you think about your forthcoming presentation and begin to feel
stressed and nervous. By becoming aware of this, you remember to focus
your mindful attention to your own breathing rather than constantly worrying. Feeling your breath with a sense of warmth and gentleness helps slowly
to calm you down. See Chapter 6 for more about mindful breathing.

Awareness from the heart

This Japanese character combines the words
for mind and heart and beautifully captures
the essence of mindfulness as not just awareness, but awareness from the heart.

PY

The Japanese character for mindfulness is this:

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Chapter 1: Discovering Mindfulness

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Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn, who first developed mindfulness in a therapeutic setting,

says: Mindfulness can be cultivated by paying attention in a specific way,
that is, in the present moment, and as non-reactively, non-judgementally and
openheartedly as possible.
You can break down the meaning even further:

ER

Paying attention. To be mindful, you need to pay attention, whatever

you choose to attend to.

AT

Present moment. The reality of being in the here and now means you
just need to be aware of the way things are, as they are now. Your experience is valid and correct just as it is.

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Non-reactively. Normally, when you experience something, you automatically react to that experience according to your past conditioning.
For example, if you think, I still havent finished my work, you react
with thoughts, words and actions in some shape or form. Mindfulness
encourages you to respond to your experience rather than react to
thoughts. A reaction is automatic and gives you no choice; a response is
deliberate and considered action. (Chapter 12 delves deeper into mindful responses.)

Non-judgementally. The temptation is to judge experience as good or

bad, something you like or dislike. I want to feel bliss; I dont like feeling afraid. Letting go of judgements helps you to see things as they are
rather than through the filter of your personal judgements based on past
conditioning.

PY

IG

Openheartedly. Mindfulness isnt just an aspect of mind. Mindfulness is

of the heart as well. To be open-hearted is to bring a quality of kindness,
compassion, warmth and friendliness to your experience. For example,
if you notice yourself thinking Im useless at meditation, you discover
how to let go of this critical thought and gently turn your attention back
to the focus of your meditation, whatever that may be. For more on attitudes to cultivate for mindfulness, see Chapter 4.

Looking at Mindfulness Meditation

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Mindfulness meditation is a particular type of meditation thats been wellresearched and tested in clinical settings.
Meditation isnt thinking about nothing. Meditation is paying attention in
a systematic way to whatever you decide to focus on, which can include
awareness of your thoughts. By listening to your thoughts, you discover their

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Part I: Introducing Mindfulness

habitual patterns. Your thoughts have a massive impact on your emotions
and the decisions you make, so being more aware of them is helpful.

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In mindfulness meditation, you typically focus on one, or a combination, of

the following:
The feeling of your own breathing

ER

Any one of your senses

Your body
Your thoughts or emotions

AT

Whatever is most predominant in your awareness

This book and CD include guided meditations.

Mindfulness meditation comes in two distinct types:

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Formal meditation. This is a meditation where you intentionally take

time out in your day to embark on a meditative practice. Time out gives
you an opportunity to deepen your mindfulness practice, and understand more about your mind, its habitual tendencies and how to be
mindful for a sustained period of time, with a sense of kindness and curiosity towards yourself and your experience. Formal meditation is mind
training. Chapter 6 contains more about formal meditation.

When I say practise with regard to meditation, I dont mean a rehearsal. To

practise meditation means to engage in the meditation exercise not practising in the sense of aiming one day to get the meditation perfect. You dont
need to judge your meditation or perfect it in any way. Your experience is
your experience.

PY

IG

Informal meditation. This is where you go into a focused and meditative state of mind as you go about your daily activities such as cooking,
cleaning, walking to work, talking to a friend, driving anything at all. In
this way, you continue to deepen your ability to be mindful, and train
your mind to stay in the present moment rather than habitually straying
into the past or future. Informal mindfulness meditation means you can
rest in a mindful awareness at any time of day, whatever youre doing.
See Chapter 8 for more ways to be mindful informally.

Using Mindfulness to Help You

You know how you get lost in thoughts? Most of the day, as you go about
your daily activities, your mind is left to think whatever it wants. Youre
operating on automatic pilot mode (explained more fully in Chapter 5). But
some of your automatic thoughts may be unhelpful to you, or perhaps youre

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Chapter 1: Discovering Mindfulness

11

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so stuck in those thoughts, you dont actually experience the world around
you. For example, you go for a walk in the park to relax, but your mind is lost
in thoughts about your next project. First, youre not really living in the present moment, and second, youre making yourself more stressed, anxious, or
depressed if your thoughts are unhelpful. (Chapters 12 and 13 explore overcoming unhelpful thoughts.)

AT

ER

Mindfulness isnt focused on fixing problems. Mindfulness emphasises acceptance first, and change may or may not come later. So, if you suffer from anxiety, mindfulness shows you how to accept the feeling of anxiety rather than
denying or fighting the feeling, and through this approach, change naturally
comes about. As an old saying goes, What we resist, persists. Mindfulness
says, What you accept, transforms.
This section explores the many ways in which mindfulness can help you.

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In mindfulness, acceptance means to acknowledge your present moment experience. Acceptance doesnt mean resignation, or giving up.

Allowing space to heal

IG

Physical illness can be a distressing time. Your condition may be painful, or

even life-threatening. Perhaps your illness means youre no longer able to do
the simple things in life you took for granted before, like run up the stairs or
look after yourself in an independent way. Illness can shake you to your very
core. How can you cope with this? How can you build your inner strength to
manage the changes that take place, without being overwhelmed and losing
all hope?

PY

High levels of stress, particularly over a long period of time, have been
clearly shown to reduce the strength of your immune system. Perhaps you
went down with flu after a period of high stress. Research on care-givers who
experience high levels of stress for long periods of time shows that they have
a weaker immune system in responses to diseases like flu.

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Mindfulness reduces stress and for this reason is one way of managing illness. By reducing your stress you improve the effectiveness of your immune
system, and this may help increase the rate of healing from the illness you
suffer, especially if the illness is stress-related.

Mindfulness can reduce stress, anxiety, pain and depression, and boost
energy, creativity, the quality of relationships and your overall sense of wellbeing. The more you do mindfulness, the better monks whove practised
mindfulness all their lives have levels of wellbeing measured in their brains
way above anything scientists thought was possible.

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Part I: Introducing Mindfulness

Chapter 14 is all about how mindfulness can help to heal the body.

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Enjoying greater relaxation

ER

Mindfulness can lead to relaxation but remember that the aim of mindfulness
is not relaxation.

AT

Mindfulness is the development of awareness of your inner and outer experiences, whatever they are, with a sense of kindness, curiosity and acceptance.
However, relaxation is a possible by-product of mindfulness. You may experience very deep states of relaxation when practising mindfulness, or you may
not. If you dont, this doesnt mean youre practising mindfulness incorrectly.

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Why is relaxation not the aim? Try being totally relaxed for the next few
minutes. Can you do relaxation? If you aim for relaxation, youre going to
succeed, or fail. If you feel youre failing, youre just going to become more
tense and stressed, which is exactly what you dont want. In mindfulness, you
cant fail because you dont have some experience you have to achieve. You
simply practise paying attention to whatever your experience is, as best you
can, and whatever happens, happens. You gain an understanding from your
experience.

Table 1-1 shows the difference between relaxation and mindfulness exercises.

IG

Table 1-1

Relaxation versus Mindfulness

Aim

Method

Mindfulness

To pay attention to your

experience from moment
to moment, as best you
can, with kindness, curiosity and acknowledgment

To observe your experience

and shift your attention back
to its focus if you drift into
thought, without self-criticism
if you can

To become more relaxed

Various, such as tightening

and letting go of muscles

PY

Exercise

Relaxation

Improving productivity
To be mindful, you usually need to do one thing at a time. When walking, you
just walk. When listening, you just listen. When writing, you just write. By
practising formal and informal mindfulness meditation, youre training your
brain. Youre training it to pay attention with mindful attitudes like kindness,
curiosity and acknowledgement.

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Chapter 1: Discovering Mindfulness

13

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So, if youre writing a report, you focus on that activity as much as you
can, without overly straining. Each time your mind wanders off to another
thought, you notice what you were thinking about (curiosity), and then
without criticising (remember youre being kind to yourself), you guide your
attention back to the writing. So, you finish your report sooner (less time
spent thinking about other stuff), and the work is probably of better quality
(because you gave the report your full attention). The more you can focus on
what youre doing, the more you can get done. Wow with mindfulness you
can improve your productivity!

AT

You cant suddenly decide to focus on your work and then become focused.
The power of attention isnt just a snap decision you make. You can train
attention, just as you can train your biceps in a gym. Meditation is gym for the
mind. However, you dont need to make a huge effort as you do when working
out. When training the mind to be attentive, you need to be gentle, or the mind
becomes less attentive. This is why mindfulness requires a kindness about it.
If youre too harsh, your mind rebels.

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Awareness also means that you notice where energy is being wasted. If you
have a habit of worrying or thinking negatively, you can become aware of
such thoughts and try to stop them.

Stress is the biggest cause of absenteeism (not turning up to work). Mindfulness

is one way of managing your stress levels and therefore increasing productivity, as youre more likely to stay healthy and be able to work in the first
place. (Perhaps thats not a benefit after all!)

IG

Your work also becomes more enjoyable if youre mindful, and when youre
enjoying something youre more creative and productive. If youre training
your mind to be curious about experience rather than bored, you can be curious about whatever you engage in.

PY

Eventually, through experience, you begin to notice that work flows through
you, rather than you doing the work. You find yourself feeding the children or
making that presentation. You lose the sense of me doing this and become
more relaxed and at ease. When this happens, the work is totally effortless,
often of very high quality and thoroughly enjoyable sounds like a nice kind
of productivity, doesnt it?

Exploring for personal discovery

Many people begin coming to mindfulness meditation to reduce their levels
of stress but as their stress levels reduce they continue to practise in order
to help regulate their other emotions, and discover a greater emotional
balance. Eventually, meditation becomes a quest for personal discovery.

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Part I: Introducing Mindfulness

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The word person comes from the Latin word persona, originally meaning
character in a drama, or mask. The word discovery means to dis-cover or to
uncover. So in this sense, personal discovery is about uncovering your mask.

ER

You probably wear all sorts of different masks for different roles that you
play. You may be a parent, daughter or son, partner, employee. Each of these
roles asks you to fulfil certain obligations. But who are you behind all these
masks?

AT

Mindfulness is an opportunity to discover your true self. In meditation you

sometimes have clear experiences of being who you are. You may feel a deep,
undivided sense of peace, of stillness and calm. Your physical body, that feels
so solid and real, sometimes fades into the background of your awareness,
and you have a sense of being more than yourself.

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Some people become very attached to these experiences and try hard to
repeat them, as if theyre getting closer to something. However, over time
you come to realise that even these seemingly blissful experiences also come
and go. Your true nature, who you truly are, isnt just a feeling. You are that
witness, that observer, that which is aware of all that arises and passes away
in your mind. This isnt so much an experience to be gained, but something
very simple that everyone can observe. In fact, being naturally yourself is so
simple, you easily overlook it.

IG

According to Eastern philosophy, as a witness you are perfect, whole and

complete just as you are. You dont feel as if you are because you identify
with your thoughts and emotions, which are always changing. Ultimately you
dont need to do anything to attain this natural state, because you are this
natural state all the time right here and right now.

PY

As Shakespeare said, All the worlds a stage, and all the men and women
merely players. In this way, you begin to see your roles, your persona or
mask(s), as part of the game of life. You still do everything you did before;
you can keep helping people or making money or whatever you like doing,
but know that this is only one way of seeing things, one dimension of your
true nature.

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Self-knowledge leads to a freedom from suffering as pointed at by an Indian

sage, Ramana Maharshi:
Wanting to reform the world without discovering ones true self is like trying
to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and
thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.

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Chapter 1: Discovering Mindfulness

15

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Once you see that youre the witness of all experience, youre no longer disturbed by the ups and downs of life. This understanding offers you the freedom from suffering. You go with the flow and enjoy the play of creation.

ER

Starting the Mindfulness Adventure

Beginning the voyage

AT

Mindfulness isnt a quick fix but the adventure of a lifetime. Imagine mindfulness as being like a journey on a boat. Youre an explorer looking for new and
undiscovered land. Along the way Ill explain how mindfulness mirrors such a
journey.

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The journey begins and you set sail. Youre not sure what youre going to
find, and you may not be too sure why youre going in the first place, but
thats part of the excitement and adventure. You may think that youre finally
doing something you really enjoy and can gain from. This is what you wanted
to do and youre on the boat now. At the same time, youre a bit anxious
about what may happen what if things dont work out?

PY

IG

The beginning of the mindfulness journey may feel like this for you. You may
be thinking, Finally, Ive found what I need to do, and youre keen to find out
how to do it, being curious and in anticipation. At the same time, you may
feel unsure that you can do mindfulness you suspect you dont have the
patience/focus/discipline/inner strength. You have ideas about the journey
of mindfulness. At the moment you may suffer from x and y, and after reading this book, you want to have reduced those painful feelings. You may have
clear goals you want to achieve and hope mindfulness is going to help you to
achieve those goals.

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Having a long-term vision as to what you hope to achieve from mindfulness

is helpful, but concentrating too much on goals is unhelpful. Mindfulness is
ultimately a goal-less activity. Mindfulness is process-oriented rather than goaloriented. Youre not actually going anywhere. This is the paradox of meditation.
If you get overly obsessed with the goals, you focus on the goal rather than the
process. However, meditation is the journey itself. You arent going to reach
the present moment sometime in the future you can only be in the present
moment now. More important than anything else is how you meet this moment.
If you can train yourself to be open, curious, accepting, kind and aware of this
moment, the future takes care of itself. So, as you steer your boat, keep aware
and awake. See Chapter 3 for more about vision in mindfulness.

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Part I: Introducing Mindfulness

Overcoming challenges

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As you continue your mindfulness journey, before long the initial excitement
begins to wear off. You experience rough seas and pirates! Some days, you
wish you werent on this journey in the first place. Perhaps you should have
just stayed at home.

AT

ER

Regularly practising mindfulness can be challenging. What was new and

exciting to begin with no longer feels fresh. You may sense a resistance to sit
down and meditate, even for a short period, but without knowing why. Dont
worry this is very common. When you overcome the initial resistance, you
may discover the practice isnt as bad as you imagined meditating to be. As
soon as you start, you feel okay and even enjoy it. You also feel great afterwards, because you managed to overcome the initial resistance of your mind
to do something for your own health and wellbeing.

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Each time you struggle with the thoughts and feelings in your meditation,
youre generally not accepting or acknowledging them as the natural state of
your mind. Lack of acknowledgement usually means criticism of yourself or
of the whole process of meditation. If you persevere, you discover slowly and
surely the importance of accepting your thoughts and emotions and the situation youre in and not blaming anyone for that situation, including yourself.
In mindfulness, acceptance always comes first, change comes after.

Another common challenge is understanding the right attitude to bring to

your meditation. Unhelpful but common attitudes include:

IG

Im going do this and must get it right.

I should focus 100 per cent.

Im going to try extremely hard.

PY

Having done a bit of meditation, you get thoughts like I cant focus at all or
My mind was all over the place. I cant do it or That was a bad meditation.
However, as you continue your journey of mindfulness, your attitudes begin
to shift towards thoughts such as:
Im going to bring an attitude of kindness and curiosity and acknowledge
whatever my experience is, as best I can.
I wont try too hard, nor will I give up. Ill stay somewhere in the middle.
My mind is bound to wander off. Thats okay and part of meditation.

As your attitudes change, meditation becomes easier as youre bombarded

by fewer judgemental thoughts during and after the meditation. And even if
you are, you treat them like all the other thoughts you experience, and let
them go as best you can.

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Chapter 1: Discovering Mindfulness

17

ER

The teacher smiled and replied, My friend, you

are on the other side.

You may feel that you have to change, when

actually you just have to realise that perhaps
youre fine just the way you are. Youre running
to achieve goals so that you can be peaceful
and happy, but actually youre running away
from the peace and happiness. Mindfulness
is an invitation to stop running and rest. Youre
already on the other side.

AT

One day, a young man was going for a walk

when he reached a wide river. He spent a long
time wondering how he would cross such a
gushing current. Just when he was about to
give up his journey, he saw his teacher on the
other side. The young man shouted from the
bank, Can you tell me how to get to the other
side of this river?

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Reaching the other side

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Exploring the journey of a lifetime

IG

After sailing for a long time, you finally see some land in the distance thats
more beautiful than anything youve seen in your exploration. You decide to
stop when you get there. The land looks so new and fresh, but at the same
time, very familiar and cosy. As you draw closer, you discover that youre
approaching your own house. Of all the places youve been and all the adventures youve had, you feel most at home here, where you left! However, the
journey hasnt been fruitless. Youve discovered much along the way, and
had to travel that journey to discover what you most treasure.

PY

Ultimately in meditation, you realise that you dont need to search for anything at all. Everything is okay just the way things are. Youre already home.
Each moment is magical, new and fresh. Each moment is a treasure never to
be repeated again, ever. Your awareness is always shining, lighting up the
world around you and inside you effortlessly. Awareness has no off or on
switch awareness is always effortlessly on. Although you experience ups
and downs, pleasures and pain, you no longer hang on to things so much,
and you therefore suffer less. This isnt so much a final goal as an ongoing
journey of a lifetime. Life continues to unfold in its own way and you begin to
grasp how to flow with life.

Buddha is quoted as saying:

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past,
worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present
moment wisely and earnestly.
The journey of mindfulness is to discover how to live this way.

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Sample chapter from

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

328

Part V: The Part of Tens

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Even if youre not personally responsible for a negative event, you can still
take responsibility for your emotional and behavioural responses to the
event. People who deny their part in creating their own emotional problems
in the face of negative events dont recognise how their thoughts and actions
can make a bad situation worse. They hand over their personal power to
make things better by waiting passively for someone or something to step
into the breach.

AT

ER

When you hold an attitude of personal responsibility for your feelings and
actions, youre more able to find creative solutions, and your belief in your
ability to cope with adversity is heightened. You empower yourself by focusing
on your ability to influence the way you feel even if you cant control events.

On a cheerier note, when good things happen, you can also assess the extent
to which theyre a result of your own efforts and then give yourself credit
where due. You can appreciate good fortune without sabotaging your positive feelings with worries that your luck may run out.

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Thinking Flexibly

IG

Making demands and commands thinking in terms of must, should and

have to about yourself, other people and the world around you has a fundamental problem: such thinking limits your flexibility to adapt to reality.
The human capacity to adapt creatively to whats going on is one of the hallmarks of the species success. However, humans are fallible, and the world
continues to be an imperfect place. Insisting It shouldnt be this way! can
leave you irate, depressed or anxious and much less able to focus on how to
cope with and adapt to reality.

PY

Although circumstances may well be desirable, preferable and even better if the
situation were different, they dont have to be a particular way. Accepting reality and striving to improve it where wise and achievable can help you save your
energy for creative thought and action. See Chapter 2 for more on demands, and
Chapter 14 for more on developing realistic attitudes towards yourself.

Valuing Your Individuality

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You can express your individuality in many ways, such as in your dress
sense, musical tastes, political opinions or choice of career. Yet perhaps
youre hesitant to express your individuality openly because you fear the
reaction of others. People who develop the ability to value their idiosyncrasies and to express them respectfully tend to be well-adjusted and content.
Accepting that youre an individual and have the right to live your life, just as
other people have the right to live theirs, is a pretty good recipe for happiness.

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Chapter 22: Ten Healthy Attitudes for Living

329

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As social animals, humans like to feel part of a group or social structure,

and tend to be happier when interacting meaningfully with other humans.
However, the ability to go against group mentality when its at odds with
your own personal views or values is a tremendous skill. You can be both
socially integrated and true to your values by accepting yourself as an individual and by being a selective non-conformist. Check out Chapter 14 for
more on accepting yourself.

Accepting That Life Can Be Unfair

AT

Sometimes, lifes just plain unfair. Sometimes, people treat you unjustly and
nothing gets done to put the balance right. Bad things happen to the nicest
of people, and people who dont seem to have done a deserving thing in their
lives get a winning ticket. On top of being unfair, lifes unpredictable and
uncertain a great deal of the time. And really, thats just the way life is.

TE
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What can you do? You can whine and moan and make yourself thoroughly
miserable about the lamentable state of the world. Or you can accept things
and get on with the business of living. No matter how much you insist that
the world should be fair and you should be given certainty about how things
are going to pan out, you aint going to get it.

IG

Lifes unfair to pretty much everyone from time to time in which case, perhaps things arent as desperately unfair as you thought. If you can accept the
cold, hard reality of injustice and uncertainty, youre far more likely to be able
to bounce back when life slaps you in the face with a wet fish. Youre also
likely to be less anxious about making decisions and taking risks. You can still
strive to play fair yourself, but if you accept that unfairness exists you may be
less outraged and less horrified if and when justice simply doesnt prevail.

PY

Understanding That Approval from

Others Isnt Necessary

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Receiving approval from someone important to you is nice. Getting a bit of

praise from a boss or a friend can feel good. But if you believe that you need
the approval of significant others or, indeed, everyone you meet, then you
probably spend a lot of time feeling unhappy and unsure of yourself. Many
people get depressed because they believe theyre only as good as the opinions others hold of them. These people cant feel good about themselves
unless they get positive feedback or reassurance from others.

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Part V: The Part of Tens

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Accept yourself, independent of overt approval from other people in your life.
Having a preference for being liked, appreciated and approved of by others
but not believing that you need approval means that your self-opinion can be
stable and you can weather disapproval. You may still behave in ways that are
more likely to generate approval than disapproval, but you can also assert
yourself without fear. You can consider praise and compliments a bonus
rather than something you must cling to and work over-hard to maintain.

AT

ER

If you hold the belief that you need rather than desire approval, you may
pay emotionally for it somewhere along the line. Youre likely to feel anxious
about whether approvals forthcoming and when you get approval you may
worry about losing it. If you fail to get obvious approval or horror of all horrors someone criticises you, youre likely to put yourself down and make
yourself depressed. Refer to Chapter 9 for more on combating anxiety, and
Chapter 12 for tackling depression.

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You cannot please all the people all the time and if thats what you try to
do, youre almost certainly going to be overly passive. If you can take the
view that disapproval isnt the end of the world, intolerable and an indication
that youre less than worthy, you can enjoy approval when you get it and still
accept yourself when you dont.

Realising Loves Desirable, Not Essential

IG

Some people would rather be in any relationship even an unsatisfying or

abusive one than in no relationship at all. This need may stem from a belief
that they cant cope with feelings of loneliness or get through life in general
if theyre alone. Other people consider themselves worthy or lovable only
when theyre reassured by being in a relationship.

PY

Romantic relationships can enhance your enjoyment of life, but theyre not
essential for you to enjoy life. Holding this attitude can help you to feel good
about yourself when youre not part of a couple and may lead you to make
more discerning partner choices in future since you will choose, rather than
be compelled, to be with someone. Believing that your basic lovability is relatively constant, regardless of whether a significant other actively loves you,
can help you to feel secure within a relationship and secure within yourself
outside of a relationship.

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People who strongly prefer having a partner and yet believe that they can survive
a break up tend to experience little romantic jealousy. Jealousy can be a big obstacle to relationship satisfaction jealous people tend to believe that they must
keep their partner and end up focusing on signs (real or imagined) of infidelity or
waning interest rather than on the pleasure of the relationship. Jealousys turned
many a relationship sour. A jealous partner can end up alienating the other
person through constant reassurance-seeking or monitoring, leaving both members of the couple feeling that mutual trust doesnt exist between them.

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ER

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Preferring instead of demanding to have a relationship helps you to retain

your independence and individuality. Then when you are in a relationship,
youre less likely to fall into the trap of trying to be the perfect partner
which means you can continue to attend to your own interests while being
able to negotiate compromises when appropriate. Youll also be able to call a
halt to destructive relationships when evidence suggests that theres no way
forward.

Tolerating Short-Term Discomfort

AT

Healthy, robust and successful people are often able to tolerate temporary
discomfort in the pursuit of longer-term goals. They practise self-denial and
delay gratification when doing so is in their long-term interests. These people
are the ones who are able to eat healthily, exercise regularly, save money, be
romantically faithful, study effectively, and so on.

TE
D

You can experience intense pleasure in the present and the future, but often
some degree of pain and effort today are necessary to win you greater pleasure tomorrow. This will be true for many of the achievements youve already
made in life. Putting up with temporary discomfort is also going to be crucial
in reducing painful feelings of anxiety and depression. See Chapters 9, 12 and
13 for more on overcoming these problems.

IG

Enacting Enlightened Self-Interest

PY

Enlightened self-interest is about putting yourself first most of the time

and one, two or a small handful of selected others a very close second.
Enlightened self-interest is about looking after your own needs and interests
while also being mindful of the needs of your loved ones and other people
living on the planet.
So why put yourself first? When you reach a certain age, you need to look
after yourself because nobody else is going to do so for you. If you can keep
yourself healthy and content, youre better able to turn your attention to
caring for the people in your life that you love.
Many people make the mistake of always suppressing their own needs and
end up tired, unhappy or ill. People may think theyre doing the right thing by
putting others first all the time, but in fact theyre left with very little to give.
Of course you will experience times when putting someone elses needs
before your own and making personal sacrifices is a good choice. For example, parents frequently put the welfare of their children before their own. But
you must still make space for your own pursuits too.

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ER

IA
L

If youre starting to get concerned that self-interest translates to selfish

beast, stop! To clarify: self-interest involves taking responsibility for looking
after yourself because you understand that youre worth taking care of. Selfinterest means being able to care for others very deeply. When youre selfinterested, youre able to meet your own needs and take a keen interest in
the welfare of other people in the world around you. You can also determine
when youre going to put yourself second for a period of time because someone elses need is greater than your own which is where the enlightened
part comes into play.

AT

Selfishness is not we stress, not! the same animal as self-interest.

Ultimately, selfish people put their own wants and needs first, to the exclusion
and detriment of other people. Selfishness is much less about taking responsibility for looking after yourself and much more about demanding that you
get what you want, when you want and to hell with everybody else. The two
concepts are very different so dont be scared. Head to Chapter 18 for more
on building a lifestyle that promotes taking care of yourself.

TE
D

Pursuing Interests and Acting

Consistently with Your Values

IG

Loads of evidence indicates that people are happier and healthier if they
pursue interests and hobbies. Have you let your life become dominated by
work or chores at home, and do you spend your evenings sitting in front of
the television as a means of recharging? If your answer to this question is
Yes!, then youre in extremely good, but not optimally healthy, company.

PY

One of the arts of maximising your happiness is to pursue personally meaningful goals, such as furthering your education, participating in sport and
exercise, developing skills, improving relationships, or acting in ways that
contribute to the sort of world youd like to live in, for example by doing
some voluntary work. Try to structure your life to ensure that you have some
time for personally meaningful pursuits. Check that the things you do in life
reflect what you believe is important.

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As far as we can tell, life isnt a dress rehearsal. Will you really look back and
regret missing a bit of TV because you dragged yourself out to spend time on
a hobby, to exercise, to enjoy a night out with your friends or to participate
in some charity work?

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Tolerating Uncertainty

ER

IA
L

Healthy and productive people tend to be prepared to tolerate a degree of

risk and uncertainty. Demanding certainty and guarantees in an uncertain
world is a sure-fire recipe for worry and inactivity. Safety (or more accurately, the illusion of complete safety) comes at a cost fewer rewards, less
excitement, fewer new experiences.

PY

IG

TE
D

AT

The fact that you dont know what the future holds is grounds for calculated
risks and experiments, not avoidance, reassurance-seeking or safety precautions. You can make educated decisions and take calculated risks, but if you
accept that 100 per cent certainty is exceptionally rare (and, in fact, unnecessary), you can reduce undue anxiety and worry. Risk is inherent to existence.
You know that youre mortal and therefore destined to die one day but, in
order to remain sane, you keep that knowledge on the outer track of your
daily consciousness. You live in an uncertain world every single day of your
life. Embrace it, enjoy it and relegate it to your peripheral vision.

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and creating more room for oxygen to enter your body. In comparison, shallow breathing uses just the chest area to breathe, with the rib cage moving
and not your belly. I describe deep breathing in detail, and show the process
with a diagram, in Chapter 5.

1. Sit, lie or stand in a comfortable posture.

ER

Stress causes you to breathe shallowly and rapidly. This type of breathing
reduces the amount of oxygen in your body. By breathing deeply when you
feel stressed, your body assumes that youre in a safe place and starts to
relax automatically.

AT

Loosen any tight clothing if you can. Choose to have your eyes open or
closed.
2. Place one hand gently on your chest and one hand on your belly.

If youre in a public place and dont want to do this, just be aware of the
sensations in your belly.
3. Breathe in slowly through your nose.

TE
D

As you breathe in, let your belly expand. You may be able to feel this
with your hand.
4. Breathe out slowly through your nose or pursed lips.

Let your belly naturally contract as you breathe out. Try to breathe out
for longer than you breathe in.

IG

You can do this exercise from anything between just one breath to a few minutes, depending on how much time you have.

To enhance the relaxation effect of this exercise, try some or all of the
following:

PY

In this technique your most important breath is your exhalation. When

youre stressed, you tend to inhale and exhale rapidly. By breathing out
slowly your brain increases the sense of relaxation within your system.

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As you breathe in and out during the exercise, connect your attention
with the physical sensation of breathing. This is called mindful breathing
and helps you shift your attention away from your worries and concerns
for a while, offering a different perspective.
Repeat a relaxing word or phrase to yourself as you breathe out. Try
the phrases relax, this too will pass, or calm. You can even choose
a neutral word like one, or a spiritually meaningful phrase for you.
Experiment!

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ER

Building Your Optimism Muscle

IA
L

Count how long you breathe in and out. For example, try breathing in for
four seconds, holding your breath for two seconds and breathing out for
six seconds. As you breathe in, count 1. . .2 . .3. . .4 and hold 1. . .2. . .and
breathe out 1. . .2. . .3. . .4. . .5. . .6. Use the second hand of a clock or
watch to start with if you cant count seconds.

AT

Picture this: youre having a tough day at home. The baby just wont stop
crying and the phone wont stop ringing. You feel anxious, annoyed and
tense. All you can think about is all the things youve got to get done and how
bad a parent you are.

As soon as you notice this pattern occurring, stop for a moment and follow
the STOP exercise for positive thinking:

TE
D

S Stop! Say the word stop to yourself, and stop what youre doing for a
few moments.
T Take three deep, mindful breaths. This means feel each breath in
and out.

IG

O Observe your thoughts, especially any negative, unhelpful

thoughts. Become aware of the thoughts popping into your head. Notice
your feelings and bodily sensations. Do you feel anxious? Is your heart
racing? Noticing and observing whats happening helps you to decide
how to best look after yourself.

P think Positive but believable thoughts. This is about thinking in a

more optimistic light, but not so much that you dont believe it to be true.
Thinking in this way is a powerful antidote to your negative self-talk.

PY

For example, imagine you feel stressed and think, I cant control the kids at
all. Im a terrible parent. Im useless. Im having such a bad day. Then you
remember the STOP exercise. You stop what youre doing, take the phone
off the hook for a few minutes and sit down. You take three deep, mindful
breaths and begin to feel a tiny bit more relaxed. You listen to your own
thoughts and notice that youre criticising yourself with sentences like Im
useless at coping. You begin to replace the unhelpful sentences with more
positive but believable thoughts such as Im having a difficult day today but
Im not useless. Ive worked so hard for my children. Im not perfect, but Im
doing my best in the circumstances. Things will settle down in a couple of
hours and Ill feel better.

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As with all the other exercises in this chapter, try this STOP exercise with
low-level predictable stress to start with, such as after checking your e-mails
or when youre cooking dinner.

ER

Coming to Your Senses

AT

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past,
worry about the future or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present
moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha

One of the quickest ways to relieve stress is to connect with your senses.
This brings you into the present moment. In the world of the senses you
briefly let go of the huge traffic jam or demanding boss. Your body and mind
then begin to relax.

TE
D

To achieve relaxation in this way, you need to know which particular senses
and stimuli are most effective for your brain and body. For you, it may be hearing the music of Bach, squeezing a soft ball or inhaling the scent of lavender.

Sight:

Explore all your senses and find out which sense, or combination of senses,
is most relaxing for you. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

IG

Look at a photo of a loved one.

Gaze at the view out of your window.

Place some flowers or a plant on your desk.

PY

Sound:

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Listen to a relaxing piece of music or nature sounds.

Pop outside and listen to the sounds around you.
Sing a song or whistle a tune.

Smell:
Carry a small bottle of your favourite scented oil.
Smell some of the flowers in your room.
Light an incense stick or scented candle.

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Taste:
Chew some gum.

IA
L

Eat some dark chocolate.

Enjoy a piece of fruit.
Touch:

ER

Gently rub your thumb and fingers together and notice the subtle
sensations.
Stroke your cat or dog.

AT

Notice the sense of touch between your feet and the floor as you
walk.
Movement:

Squeeze something squashy, such as a rubber ball.

Stand up and stretch, or do a couple of yoga postures.

TE
D

Dance or jump around maybe not in front of your moody boss

though.

IG

Begin by using this technique when youre under low-level stress. For example, try one of these stimuli every day for a week during your commute to
work. Note what effect it has. Then try a different stimulus the next week.
With experience, try this technique for a different stressor, like after the
morning school run or before public speaking. And remember to have some
fun with experimenting!

PY

Your imagination is as powerful as using your senses. If, for example, you feel
stressed at work, but you dont have your cat with you to stroke, imagine petting her. You may feel better.

Doing Something Pleasurable

If you think you dont have time for any fun, you probably really need a bit
of pleasure time. Pleasure and fun are, of course, subjective. What is pleasurable for one person may be unpleasant for another person. So although I
suggest a few things in this section, make sure you choose something pleasurable for you.

If you repeat the same pleasure too often, it stops being so pleasurable. This is
called habituation. A piece of chocolate once a week tastes better than a piece
of chocolate every hour or day.

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Here are a few quick and simple pleasures you may like to try:
Colour a picture in a colouring book using some crayons.

IA
L

Do some knitting.
Drink a cup of your favourite tea.
Light a candle.
Listen to some of your favourite music.
Play a computer game.

ER

Eat some chocolate slowly and mindfully.

Try a sudoku or crossword puzzle.

Watch a short, funny video online.

AT

Practise a short piece of music on a musical instrument.

TE
D

Thinking what to do in the heat of the moment is hard. Try making a list of
things you like doing. Then next time you feel stressed, pull out your list and
do one of the things on it.

Getting Physical

PY

IG

Exercising when you feel stressed is an efficient way to relieve anxiety and
relax. The stress response is designed to get your body moving, so moving
your body fast helps to relieve the stress. Physical activity boosts your body
with feel-good endorphins and distracts you from your worries. After a brisk
walk, you may find a solution to your problem, or see the situation in a more
balanced way. In this section I suggest a range of different exercises you can
do. Have fun trying them out. You can even rate how relaxed you feel before
and after the activity. See Chapter 6 for more suggestions on integrating
physical activities into your day.

Clean the house. Try focusing on your senses so that youre more mindful and attentive to what youre doing.
Go for a brisk walk. Listen to some of your favourite music at the same
time if you feel like it.
Do a few push-ups, sit-ups or star jumps. These will get your heart
pumping.
Go running for ten minutes around the block. Doing this two or three
times a day is enough exercise to keep your heart healthy too.

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Work through a series of stretches. Be sensitive to your body and see

what sort of stretches you would enjoy, without overly pushing yourself.
I give lots of stretching ideas in Chapter 7.
Aim to do at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day, five days a week.

ER

Practising Peaceful Place Imagery

AT

Peaceful place imagery is a form of guided imagery and a popular way to

relax. The idea is to use your imagination to take you to wherever you find
relaxing. Amazingly, your body will respond as if it really is at that calming
place. Doing this sort of exercise makes you feel more in control of your
thoughts and emotions, improving your sense of wellbeing.

Many of my clients enjoy this exercise and find the process relaxing.
1. Find a place you wont be disturbed for a few minutes.

TE
D

Close your eyes if you can.

2. Become aware of the feeling of your own breathing.

Take a few deep, slow, smooth breaths.
3. Think of a place you find relaxing or peaceful.

IG

Choose a place where you feel secure and at ease. It can be a familiar
place or something youve invented.
4. Create as vivid a picture as you can.

Dont worry if the image is not clear. Just doing your best is absolutely
fine. Consider what the sounds, smells, tastes and feelings are like too.

PY

5. Imagine yourself in this peaceful place.

Imagine how calm, relaxed and at ease you are. Notice how relaxed your
muscles are, and how safe and happy you feel. Enjoy this peaceful place
for as long as you have time for.

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6. When youre ready, imagine stepping slowly back out of the peaceful place into the present moment, knowing that the peaceful place is
always there when you want it.

You need to practise this guided imagery a few times and then youll be able
to use it in the heat of a stressful moment.

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L

If you find your mind wandering around too much, try using a guided audio
recording to help you focus. Use the CD accompanying this book or see
Chapter 3 if you want to make your own audio.

ER

Smiling or Laughing

AT

When you feel stressed, you probably feel like doing exactly the kind of
things that sustain or deepen the stress, such as avoiding talking to other
people, not going out, stopping exercising, eating unhealthily, drinking lots
of caffeine, overdoing the alcohol or using drugs. You probably dont feel like
smiling or laughing.

TE
D

Smiling and laughing are highly effective ways to cut the tension and release
your stress. Smiling reduces stress hormones such as cortisol, adrenaline
and dopamine, and increases mood-lifting hormones such as endorphins.
Smiling even reduces your blood pressure. Even forcing a smile on your face
has been shown to promote greater levels of positivity.
Laughter, including fake laughter, releases healthy hormones into your
bloodstream. And fake laughter often turns into real laugher anyway. Try it
and see.

IG

See Chapter 13 for some tips on finding a smile or laugh. These tips may seem
like common sense, but when youre stressed your brain doesnt always think
straight and you need all the help you can get.

Trying the RELAX Technique

PY

The RELAX technique offers quick stress relief by combining several popular
relaxation exercises. I recommend you write down this technique or download it from www.relaxationfordummies.com/relax-card and put the
paper somewhere easy to access, such as in your wallet or on your computer.
R Remove yourself from the situation. Just pop to the bathroom or
get a glass of water if you need a reason to go somewhere. Changing your
environment even for only a few minutes can make a huge difference.
E Exhale and inhale slowly and deeply. Let your exhalations be
slightly longer than your inhalations. A few slow, deep breaths can
change your bodys physiology within seconds.
Also do a little Exercise. Go for a walk, jump up and down or do ten star
jumps. Exercising uses up your stress hormones rather than letting them
swim around your body.

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L

L Lightly massage yourself. You can use your fingertips to massage

around your eyebrows and temples. You can also rub your shoulders or
any other part that needs some loving. Try smiling at the same time and
allow your posture to be upright and open rather than closing down.

ER

A Accept what you cant change. If you havent done as much work as
youd have liked, accept the fact now. You dont have to accept injustice,
just accept what is unchangeable at the moment. Let go of controlling
the uncontrollable. If your boss will not reduce your workload, you cant
keep fighting the fact. Youre going to have to find a new way of managing
the work, perhaps through delegation.

AT

X eXpect things to turn out well. Notice any harsh, critical, negative
thoughts and turn them to more positive, yet still believable thoughts.
You may not pass this interview, but it will improve your interview skills.

Using a Three-Stage Mini-Meditation

TE
D

This meditation is sometimes called a breathing space meditation or a

mindful check-in. The aim of meditation is not to blank your mind. The idea
of meditation is simply to focus your mind on something and to bring your
attention back to your chosen object, without self-criticism, each time you
notice your mind has drifted off.

1. Sit, stand or lie down in a comfortable posture.

IG

Assuming an upright, dignified physical posture enhances the effect of

this meditation.

2. Stage 1: Become aware of your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations for about a minute.

PY

Ask yourself, What thoughts are arising? What feelings can I notice?
What bodily sensations can I notice?

3. Stage 2: Feel the physical sensation of your breathing for about a

minute, around your belly.
Feel each in breath and each out breath. If your mind wanders, gently
bring it back.

4. Stage 3: Open your attention to your body as a whole, including your

breathing.
See if you can get a sense of your whole body expanding and contracting
as you breathe in and out.
This meditation takes about three minutes. You can shorten or extend it for
any length of time you choose.

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Visualising a Successful Outcome

AT

ER

IA
L

Imagine you have a presentation coming up and youre stressed up to the

max. If you do nothing, you get more nervous and anxious, and you turn up
sweating and shaky. Fortunately you have an alternative visualisation. This
exercise can take just one minute, but ideally give it a few minutes if you have
time. Visualisation is powerful stuff. When you go to your local coffee shop
and the waiter says, Would you like a cup of hot coffee with steamed milk
and topped with a touch of whipped cream and a sprinkling of chocolate?
you form an image in your mind, as if the coffee is already there. Its more
effective than saying Want a coffee? The vivid image creates an emotional
reaction.

You can create a similar feeling of relaxation by using the power of images in
your mind too.

TE
D

Many people think theyre not good at visualising, but you probably visualise
all the time already, without knowing. Most people think in a combination of
thoughts and images. Your anxious feelings before something like a presentation are probably due to an image of yourself making a fool of yourself, or
losing your job, together with some scary thoughts. Give visualisation a few
tries to see if it works for you.

The same neural pathways are stimulated in your brain when you imagine a
situation as when youre actually there. So you can trick your brain into thinking youre on a million-pound holiday when youre sitting at home nice!

IG

Heres how to visualise success to relax:

1. If you can, close your eyes and get into a comfortable posture.

2. Take a few deep, smooth, slow breaths to help you towards relaxation.

PY

Let go of any tension in your muscles as far as possible.

3. Imagine a successful outcome to your situation, project or goal that is

currently causing stress.

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Visualise what it would look like for you to succeed. Where are you?
What are people saying? What is it like to feel the success? What are you
wearing? What can you smell, taste or touch. Go through all the senses
and be as vivid as you can. Do this for as long as you have time. It could
be just for a few minutes.

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4. Give yourself a few moments to open your eyes and tune back into the
present moment.

PY

IG

TE
D

AT

ER

IA
L

Visualising a successful outcome also helps you to reflect on exactly what

you want to achieve and makes you more likely to take active steps to move
towards that positive outcome. So not only do you feel a bit more confident,
but you also achieve greater success.

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Increasing Your Love of Life

ER

IA
L

Imagine that you love everything around you (even if you dont feel that way
in reality). Feel good about being alive. Smell the air and love the fact that
you can breathe. Listen to the sounds coming in your ears and love the fact
that you can hear them. Look at everything around you and the wonderful
colours you can see.

AT

Now take a look at the people around you, whether theyre friends or family,
colleagues or strangers. Then wish them well, each and every one, as if
theyre brothers and sisters; see them all as fellow inhabitants of the same
universe. This visualization takes only a moment, but each time you practise it you increase your enjoyment of life and your empathy towards other
people.

TE
D

Dismissing Your Negative Thoughts

If bad thoughts are bothering you for example, someone was rude to you
this morning, or youre angry about a difficult situation remind yourself that
you dont have to feel bad all day long. You have a life to lead and things to
get on with and you dont need these negative distractions.

IG

Choose to take time out from the stressful thoughts and decide that youre
going to deal with them at a later date; no point letting them bog you down.
Whenever a negative thought arises in your mind, visualize blowing it out of
your mouth into an invisible balloon, and follow it with a puff of air to send it
on its way floating away from you.

PY

Encouraging Positive Thoughts

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Hold on to all the positive thoughts that occur to you. In your imagination
hug these thoughts because they make you feel good and you want more of
them. Cherish the fact that you have such positivity within you.
To nurture your positive thoughts, and to encourage more of them, visualize
watering a positive thought and putting it in a plant pot near the window of
your mind, where the sun can gently warm and grow it.

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Being Thankful

IA
L

Get into the habit of expressing gratitude whenever something good happens
to you. You can simply be thankful to the universe at large, or if youre religious, thank God. You may be surprised how good simply saying thank you
feels.

AT

ER

Expressing your gratefulness for being alive also allows your positive emotions to grow, such as love, happiness, compassion, and generosity. In your
minds eye visualize yourself simply saying thank you to who or whatever
has pleased you, and feel yourself sincerely meaning it.

Having Purpose in Your Life

TE
D

In times of difficulty or doubt, think to yourself that your life does have a
purpose, even though you may not know what it is. To help instil this feeling,
visualize a galaxy. Picture the hundreds of billions of stars in it, and the hundred billion other galaxies that lie outside it.

IG

Allow your mind to boggle over the fact that among all this incredible amount
of matter, you are present and have been given the chance of being a part of
this universe. Perhaps your purpose is as simple as living, sharing, laughing,
loving, and learning with others. Whatever you think your purpose may be,
remind yourself of it often to increase your level of fulfilment with life.

Feeling Needed

PY

At times, you may feel unneeded, particularly when someone you love hurts
or ignores you. But the fact is that the world would be a vastly different place
without you in it. The following mental flash card focuses on all the good
things you bring to the world so that you can call upon feelings of self-worth
whenever you need to.

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Consider the impact that youve had on the world: your relationships with
other people; things youve made; people youve helped; children youve
raised; ideas youve shared; and so on. Understand that youre an important
person and are absolutely needed, even if others sometimes dont show it.
Imagine all the people youve interacted with, and particularly those youve
helped in even the smallest of ways, such as holding a door open for them.
Then focus on those closer to you, such as acquaintances, colleagues and
friends, and then think about your relatives, and then your close family. Even
the little things youve done for these people amount and add up to your
making a big difference in the world.

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Being at One with the Universe

ER

IA
L

Sometimes you may feel a little uncertain of your place in the world, and
where it is that you fit in. Physicists and mystics agree that everything in the
universe is interconnected at some level, and youre definitely a part of it. To
help you feel more grounded, visualize that the universe is your home and
youre an essential part of it.

AT

To envisage yourself as being at one with the universe, imagine holding

your hand underwater with your fingers pointing upwards. Slowly raise your
hand and visualize your four fingers and thumb appearing above the water.
See how they look as if theyre separate objects even though you know that
theyre connected under the water.

TE
D

In the same way, think about yourself and everyone and everything else,
and consider how you, they, and everything in existence are one, and feel at
peace with the universe, because its not you against the world its you with
the world.

Striving to Improve Yourself

IG

Resting on your laurels is never a good idea. As they say in Hollywood:

Youre only as good as your last movie. In life, you achieve the most when
you strive continuously to improve yourself and become a better person,
which can be anything you want it to be according to what you perceive
as being better. You may desire to become more moral, more skilled, more
sociable, or any of a large number of other quality attributes you pick the
one(s) you wish to concentrate on.

PY

Spend some time considering that, although youve achieved many things,
you can still do so much more. Know in your heart of hearts that youre going
to continue to improve, and that day by day youll become a better person
and achieve more things than the day before. Really feel this by visualizing
yourself doing something you enjoy and getting better at it. For example see
yourself playing a guitar and with every note or chord you play you get better
and better.

Saying Yes, I Can

When visualizing, you need to be positive. Psychologists who study creative
visualization report that it works best when the person visualizing holds a
positive expectation of success.

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Therefore, treat the word no as being outside your vocabulary and get used
(even if only in your mind) to saying yes to everything. Think of yourself as
a can-do person, and you become a did-do person. Simply visualize yourself
in a variety of situations in which you may say no, perhaps out of fear. For
example, imagine saying yes when invited to participate in a parachute
jump, or when asked to speak at a conference, or anything else you normally
would decline. Get used to the feeling of being a Yes, I can person.

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reminds them of the essential discipline of mindfulness, even in the midst of
extremely difficult circumstances.

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When Hanh was writing the letter in Paris, to where hed gone in exile after
receiving threats on his life, several supporters from different countries
were attending the Vietnamese Buddhist Peace Delegation. Naturally, Hanh
thought that people in other countries could also benefit from reading this
letter. He suggested that the translator (an American volunteer) translate it
slowly and steadily, in order to maintain mindfulness; thus, only two pages a
day were translated. Hanh encouraged the translator to be aware of the feel
of the pen and paper, of the position of his body and of his breath in order to
maintain the essence of mindfulness while doing this task. When the translation was completed, it was typed and a hundred copies were printed on a
tiny offset machine squeezed into the delegations bathroom.

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Since then, that little book has travelled far. It has been translated into
several other languages and distributed on every continent in the world.
Prisoners, refugees, healthcare workers, psychotherapists, educators and
artists are among those whose life and work has been touched by The Miracle
of Mindfulness (Random House, 1991).

IG

Denied permission to return to Vietnam, Thich Nhat Hanh spends most of the
year living in Plum Village, a community he helped to found in France (www.
plumvillage.org). Check out Chapter 20 for more on this lovely place.
Plus, you may want to read another Hanh book, Peace Is Every Step: The Path
of Mindfulness in Everyday Life (Rider, 2008).

The Dalai Lama: My Message Is Love

PY

His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama, was born in a small village called the
roaring tiger in 1935. His parents were farmers and he had 15 brothers and
sisters, 9 of whom died young. He was just 3 years old when he was chosen
to be the next incarnation of the Dalai Lama. First he was taken to Kumbum
Monastery where he lived a rather sad life, not understanding what had happened to him or what was expected of him. In 1940 he moved to the Potala
Palace in Lhasa, the capital of Tibet, where he was enthroned as the spiritual
head of his nation and his family were given a farm nearby.

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His life was planned out for him. He needed to study twice a day for a total
of two hours and then was allowed to play, but from the age of 13 he had to
do the same duties as any adult monk. The topics of education he covered
included healing, Sanskrit, philosophy of religion and languages.

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His Holiness is the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people. He repeatedly

points out that his life is guided by three major commitments: the promotion of basic human values or secular ethics in the interest of human happiness, the fostering of inter-religious harmony and the welfare of the Tibetan
people, focusing on the survival of their identity, culture and religion. He
appreciates his role because it gives him the opportunity to benefit others.

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Recently, in January of 2013, the Mind and Life conference (www.mindand

life.org) met for the 26th time, where scientists and Buddhist scholars
discuss topics such as meditation and its effects on the brain. The Dalai Lama
attends the conference every year and this year he donated $1,000,000 for
essential research and activities.

See Chapter 11 and consider checking out these books for more about the
Dalai Lama: The Dalai Lamas Little Book of Inner Peace (Harper Collins, 2002)
and Ancient Wisdom, Modern World: Ethics for the New Millennium by Tenzin
Gyatso (Little, Brown and Company, 1999).

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Jon Kabat-Zinn: Mindfulness in Medicine

IG

The molecular biologist Jon Kabat-Zinn had a vision, which came into his
awareness while on a retreat. He pondered whether mindfulness could be
applied to the secular environment of medicine and psychotherapy. The
answer was a resounding yes! He developed mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) in the 1970s at the Center for Mindfulness in Massachusetts
(check out Chapter 1 for more on Jon and MBSR).

PY

His goal was to make the Eastern philosophical teachings and meditations
available as life-enhancing skills for everyone. He saw his calling as connecting meditation and medicine, by offering people the chance to reconnect to
their lives through the simple act of being, and letting go of doing, for brief
periods every day. When you gain insight into what you truly are (whole,
complete and good enough) you often experience a deep sense of freedom
and healing. In short, by accepting yourself and your lot just as it is, you
remove a lot of the causes of suffering. Like the Dalai Lama, Kabat-Zinn says
my religion is kindness, a notion he follows in his teachings, books and
engagement with others.

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You can find out more in Jon Kabat-Zinns books, Full Catastrophe Living, 15th
edition (Dell Publishing, 2006) and Wherever You Go, There You Are, 6th edition (Piatkus Books, 2006).

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Ram Dass: Expressing Gratitude

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Richard Alpert was originally an American professor of psychology (see www.

ramdass.org). He set up the Hanuman Foundation (www.hanumanfdn.
org) in 1974, which shows people how to embody and celebrate love and service to humanity. Every day, he said, can become a spiritual, special practice.
He emphasises the importance of gratitude, because it connects people to
one another and offers mutual support. He believed a truly grateful life would
bring peace and harmony.

AT

Appreciation feels good and shows you how every person on the planet is
connected. Discovering how to appreciate every single thing that happens
as a potential source of insight and growth is the key ingredient of a joyful
existence.

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Dass wrote a great book called Still Here: Embracing Ageing, Changing and
Dying (Riverhead Books, 2001) in which he explains how caring for his sick
father repaired their early unhealthy relationship. When youve lived for half
a century or more, it becomes difficult to ignore the subtle changes in health
and appearance that occur with age, and facing these themes discussed in
the book with awareness is important for everyone.

IG

He invites you to have gratitude and concern for others and believes that
true freedom can only be achieved through accepting dependence on others.
His book Be Here Now (Crown Publications, 1971) is the one that perhaps
best describes his transformation and new outlook on life, and you can read
more of his work in Grist for the Mill (Celestial Arts, 1995).

Eckhart Tolle: Living Moment to Moment

PY

Eckhart Tolle was born in 1948 in Germany and now lives in Canada. His best
known books are the The Power of Now and A New Earth, which are written
in English. In 2011, Watkins Review named him the most spiritually influential
person in the world. Tolle shares that he suffered from depression, until he
experienced at the age of 29 an inner transformation. He travelled around
thereafter being unemployed, in a state of deep bliss, before becoming a
spiritual teacher.

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The bestselling The Power of Now (Hodder), which was first published in
1997, shows how you can find a way out of psychological suffering. The more
you find out how to be fully present and interact wisely with others, the more
you experience loving relationships and true purpose in life. The Power of
Now and A New Earth had sold an estimated three million and five million

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copies respectively in North America by 2009. In 2008, approximately 35 million people participated in a series of ten live webinars with Tolle and television talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Tolle has never identified himself with
any particular religion.

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Melissa Myozen Blacker:

Teaching Mindfulness

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At a two-day retreat in Findhorn, Scotland (a great place that I discuss further

in Chapter 20), he talked about meditation and how mindfulness was a useful
way to truly connect to the now.

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Melissa is a Zen priest in the US. She studied anthropology and music and
later did an MA in Counselling Psychology. Since 1993 shes worked at the
Center for Mindfulness, founded by Jon Kabat-Zinn, at the University of
Massachusetts Medical School. With her husband David, she formed a Zen
community called Boundless Way Zen.

She shares that mindfulness-based stress reduction (a forerunner of MBCT;

see Chapter 1) is a beautifully designed and secular approach to help you
fall awake to your life. People whod never considered going to a Zen centre
before can benefit in a life-changing way from being introduced to meditation.

IG

She says that to focus on being fully awake and grounded are maybe the most
important principles to engage with in the work of mindfulness. Shes a wonderful and inspiring teacher.

PY

To find out more about Melissa Myozen Blacker, check out her book (written
with James Ishmael Ford), The Book of Mu: Essential Writings on Zens Most
Important Koan (Wisdom Publications, 2011).

Buddha Maitreya: Living the Path

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Buddha Maitreya (check out www.buddhamaitreya.co.uk) was born and

brought up in Japan. While attending a meditation course, he experienced
something particularly intense that he calls enlightenment. In this moment,
he saw the absolute perfection and beauty intrinsic in all things and all
beings, the essence of life. He completely dedicated his life there and then to
becoming a meditation teacher.

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Maitreya completed an MA degree in Buddhist Theology and then left Japan,

spending time in Thailand, India and Nepal. In England, he based himself in
Nottingham, creating the Pure Land centre in 1973 (you can find out more
about it online, at www.buddhamaitreya.co.uk/garden.html). Pure
Land is one of the most beautiful gardens in the UK and is praised in many
garden tours and guides. Even if you dont want to discover meditation, you
can simply spend a mindful day in amongst nature there.

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The serene garden contains traditional Japanese garden elements such as

water, golden carps, bridges and bamboo, blended with a dash of English
plants and elements. The result is a perfect example of East and West in
radiant harmony.

Buddha Maitreya has published a number of CDs with meditations, such as

Perfect Relaxation and Meditation with Maitreya and Natures Heart, available
online at www.buddhamaitreya.co.uk/shop.html.

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Rick Hanson: Examining

the Mindful Brain

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Rick Hanson (www.rickhanson.net) is a fantastic teacher of neuropsychology and of how meditation affects the brain. I first met him six years ago via
Skype after hed given the most amazing lecture on the physiological changes
in the brain due to long-term mindfulness meditation. I eventually invited him
to present as the main speaker at a conference I organised at the University
of East London, entitled Mindfulness and Well Being: from Spirituality to
Neuroscience in 2009. Hed just finished his first book The Buddhas Brain,
in which he explains how contemplation and meditation can form and shape
your brain to such an extent that it can deepen and improve your relationships, help you stay calm when youre facing a storm and experience a life
of more confidence and purpose.

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Meanwhile, Rick has been busy and published another book called Just
One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time (New
Harbinger, 2011), in which he presents 52 powerful yet down-to-earth ways to
strengthen your own brain and enjoy a more adventurous life. Also, you can
sign up to receive his free monthly newsletter Just One Thing (New Harbinger
Publications).
Rick travels to Europe once a year and I recommend that you attend his lectures if you can! He manages to explain neuropsychology in such a wonderful
way and you dont need to be an expert to understand it.

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Jenny Ronayne: Studying Autism

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I first met Jenny some 20 years ago, shortly after my own son was diagnosed with autism: shed set up the Lewisham Autism Support Group. She
was an inspiration. She studied psychology and her intention was to discover more about this fascinating subject: she hoped to undertake research
in the field, disseminate information and raise awareness of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

AT

Our paths crossed again when I started lecturing at the University of East
London and Jenny, whod taught me so much, was suddenly a student of
mine. For her MA thesis, she looked at how mindfulness interventions may
help people with ASD reduce anxiety.

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In addition, she has founded an organisation called ASPECT: Autism

Spectrum Counselling and Training. ASPECT (www.aspectcounsel.co.uk)
offers in-house training and consultancy to organisations such as schools,
Local Education Authorities and charities. Shes currently interested in combining mindfulness techniques with a behavioural therapeutic approach, and
is developing a research project to investigate whether this is effective in
reducing anxiety levels in individuals with ASD.

IG

Kristin Neff: Focusing

on Self-Compassion

PY

When I met Kristin recently, it was like a meeting of souls: as in my case,

her son has autism too. Plus, Id lived in the Far East and shed travelled to
Mongolia five years before with her son to try and find healing. The Horse Boy
is the story that describes their journey, and how it affected her and her son
deeply (see www.self-compassion.org).

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Kristin is a wonderfully committed researcher, writer and lecturer, and

her main focus is self-compassion and, of course, mindfulness. She became
interested in Buddhism in the late 1990s and has been practising meditation
ever since.
While doing her post-doctoral work, she decided to conduct research on
self-compassion, a wonderful concept that hadnt been examined by empirical research up to then. With her colleague Chris Germer at Harvard, she
recently created an eight-week programme on self-compassion skills called
Mindful Self-Compassion. In 2011 she wrote a book on the same topic: SelfCompassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind (Hodder &
Stoughton).

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