Nationally Recognized Couples Psychotherapist

Bill Benson LMFT, LPCC

Five Couples Counseling Techniques

to Ensure a Winning Season
A Relationship Counselors step by step guide to success

As a child, my mother taught me that successful relationships were more a result of character than content. Two
of her favorite sayings were: Its not what you say, its how you say it and You catch more bees with honey
than vinegar.
I am still passing along this wisdom all these years later: Much of my work as a Licensed Marriage Family
Therapist and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor involves helping people establish and maintain habits
of fair and equitable collaboration that creates a desired result for all involved.
The Art of Conversation
Whenever two people interact, negotiation becomes necessary. Step up to the counterperson at any fast-food
restaurant and you will probably engage in a universally accepted back-and-forth that will get you the food you
want. The same holds true in friendship: Text a buddy about getting together for a movie and ideas will flow
between you until a film is determined and the meet-up specifics are decided.
But this back-and-forth can be more difficult than expected. According to a recent poll of 100 mental health
professionals, communication problems (65%) and an inability to resolve conflict (45%) were the most
common factors leading to divorce.
Ironically, couples usually come into counseling convinced that it is the content of their arguments that are
creating their relationship havoc. They are unaware that the main cause of their discord is the way they are
communicating. It is my job to shepherd awareness within these clients (just as my mother had with me) so that
they can uncover healthier ways of relating to one another.
The Mental Gym
Lets not leave my fathers influence out of this: One reason I named my private psychotherapy practice The
Mental Gym was due to the psychological wisdom my athleticism instilled in me while I was growing up. My
dad, first a footballer and then coach, imparted in me an understanding of sportsmanship. I now include these
dynamics - communication, cooperation, and compromise - within my sessions to guide my clients toward
emotional victories.

Based on my 17 years in clinical practice (in addition to the 18 years under my parents roof) I have devised a
healthy communication playbook that I use in my therapy sessions. These are Couples Counseling Exercises
that get results. Below are five strategies from this manual that can help you and your partner productively
negotiate and create a truly long and winning season together.
Couples Counseling Technique #1: Keep Disagreements in the Present
Fighting couples have a nasty tendency to pepper their arguments with examples of past failures and/or
foreboding forecasts: There you go again or If you dont change, youll be sorry are classic bickering
examples of an inability to stay in the present tense.
There is a scientific explanation for this tendency to rehash and/or project: Because our brains are biological
computers and computers crunch data memory and/or imagination are easily accessed avenues of
information we need to support our side of an argument. However, because this information is subjective or
fantasy, this evidence only complicates a disagreement.
Tip: Constructive conflict resolution occurs in the here-and-now.
Ive had the opportunity to counsel professional baseball players with batting issues. Ive found that most strikeout because theyre not present enough to see the ball clearly: Hovering over home plate, their minds begin
downloading reminders like: I havent had a base hit all week or booting up projections like: I need this
homerun or theyll demote me to the minor leagues. The pitch whizzes past them because they are distracted
with all of this unproductive data.
These players batting averages usually improve once they discipline their thoughts. Through Mindfulness
Training and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, I teach these athletes to address only the topic at hand,
which is connecting their bat to the pitched ball. Once this occurs, the players report a newfound ability to track
the pitchers delivery more easily and aim their swing more precisely. In other words, we can only influence
whats unfolding before us and thats usually enough to solve the dilemma.
Successful communicators, just like homerun hitters, understand that, in order to score, they need to address
what is not what was or what might be. Most couples will come to this eventual conclusion, but only
after wading through and debating all the evidence their brains have generated. Exhausted, couples will finally
state: so, what are we going to do about this now? Ironically, a lot of time has been wasted talking about
the problem, instead of focusing on the solution.
Couples Counseling Technique #2: Stay on Topic
Imagine you come upon an impasse while jogging along a trail. This detour leads you to another impasse, and
then to another detour. Before long, you lose direction and become disoriented you have lost the ability to
navigate to your destination.
When arguing, winning often becomes the goal of each opponent - which is impossible, because if there is one
winner, there is also one loser. Dueling partners will pull out all the stops to insure the finish line is not reached
while theyre in second place.
Strategies develop and diversions appear to keep the contest going until an advantage can be taken. I call this
migrating the argument: Its a tactic to divert the conflict onto so many pathways that forward progress
becomes impossible. Its a manipulative traffic jam, designed to be counterproductive, and often makes
interactions and eventually whole relationships - feel like uphill slogs.

If your partner begins migrating the argument, guide him or her back to the original path of conversation
through reassurance: Make statements like: You just brought up a good point, however, lets resolve the issue
were addressing right now before moving on to the one youve just mentioned.
The key to conflict resolution is clarity: Remain diligent in your quest to stay the course one course at a time.
Couples Counseling Technique #3: Problem-solve instead of promoting an Agenda
Keeping score at sporting events or strategizing in the business world may yield clear results but competitive
setups within intimate relationships usually signal trouble. Intimate relationships are characterized by deeply
felt and symbolic undertones. Chances are good partners have shown vulnerability and entrusted each other
with their respective emotional truths. These beneath-the-armor experiences are both nurturing and nuanced and
must be taken into consideration - even protected - when disagreements arise. Winning an argument forces your
partner to concede his or her own meaningful convictions. This, in turn, can lead to emotional distancing or
worse. Victory often creates its opposite consequence. Simply put: You can win a battle but lose the war.
When disagreements arise, instead of myopically politicking for your own agenda, remember you and your
spouse are on the same team: It doesnt make sense to kick your partner in the shins when the overall point is to
work together to get the ball over the goal line. Differences are vital to the balance within a relationship:
consider your collaborators strengths and play to them. Realize every talented Quarterback needs a great
Receiver. Set down your winner takes all attitude and enjoy the sweetness that comes from sharing mutual
achievements with another.
Couples Counseling Technique #4: Focus on Behavior not Character
Like coaches diagramming plays on white boards, therapists love to explain the play-by-play characteristics of
human interaction. Regardless of the variables used to chart these dynamics, there is clinical consensus that
what couples focus on while fighting has a direct impact on the success of the outcome: It is their perception
about the argument that plays the pivotal role in conflict resolution.
Partners who fight fairly understand disagreements must center on behavior not character. Just as it would be
ridiculous for a referee to judge an athletes overall ability via one penalty, assessing someones character based
on one misstep would be equally foolish.
Find yourself screaming: youre an idiot! or you dont care about us! or I hate you! and you will
eventually come to regret these statements because they reveal and communicate derogatorily held perceptions
about your spouse - to your spouse.
What I call Stage-three conflict is like fumbling the football at the Super Bowl: Stage-three utterances can be
pivotal: They are very hard to forgive and even harder to forget - and they make winning when it counts a lot
more difficult. These attacks can easily create emotional scarring, which permanently damages your relationship
dynamic. This behavior also says a lot about you why would you choose to be in a relationship with someone
you feel is so deeply flawed?
The next time you disagree with your significant other, remember the qualities that made you commit to them in
the first place. Noted psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term Unconditional Positive Regard to describe the
support and acceptance of another despite their actions. Successful couples stay within the perimeters of this
behavior: I disagree with what you did or when this happened, I felt overlooked by you is fair game
character assassination is not.
Couples Counseling Technique #5: Use I Statements
I often tell couples: if you never want to argue again, use I Statements!

An I Statement is a way to claim, and then convey, your feelings when issues arise - without indicting another.
This interventions effectiveness lies in its thoughtful and non-judgmental approach: You are taking selfresponsibility for your reaction to a challenge instead of playing the blame-game.
There are four steps to an I Statement:
1.) Notice your emotional response and the circumstance thats triggering it.
2.) Convey how this event is making you feel.
3.) Invite your partner to share how he or she feels about the way youre feeling.*
4.) Describe the exact behavior that would help you resolve your struggle.
*Ive italicized the second part of point #3 because it is very important that your partner only give feedback
about your emotional response to the issue, not his or her view of this issue.
Example: Sally notices that Tom is under-representing his earnings on their joint tax return:
1.) I see that theres an income discrepancy on our tax return
2.) and this is making me feel uneasy.
3.) Tom, Id like to know how you feel about the fact that Im now nervous and worried.
4.) It would make me feel better if we stated the actual amount we earned last year.
Once Tom realizes that his actions are creating upset in someone he loves, he weighs whether or not to modify
his actions is shaving a few hundred dollars off their tax debt worth the emotional pain these actions are
causing his wife? Tom lets Sally know that it wasnt his intention to make her nervous and because he cares
about her, he is willing to correct the income line on their tax return.
Conveying I Statements may initially seem clinical and clunky, but, with practice, this communication habit can
yield the positive result of a well-rehearsed play. Noticing our feelings also allows us to assess them for
appropriateness (am I over-reacting?). Once vetted, sharing our feelings from an observational stance clears
the communication of any accusation. Finally, inviting our teammate to comment on our feelings conveys the
message that their thoughts matter to us, as well.
Conclusion:
Knowing the rules of the game when interacting with others increases the quality of our experiences and
enhances the possibility of positive outcomes. Just as my mother taught me with words and my father with
actions, the ability to effectively team with others comes with attentiveness and practice.
Learning to keep disagreements in the present tense gives us the focus to solve our dilemmas. Staying on topic
helps us get there more quickly, and centering on behaviors not character keeps arguments away from being
taken as personal attacks.
The point of any discussion is to arrive at a mutually beneficial conclusion: Remembering to problem-solve
instead of promoting an agenda will go a long way in achieving this goal and conversing in I Statements is a
sure-fire way to get there.
Just as a skilled athlete must train to get into physical condition, communication fitness is also achieved through
the development of a good regimen and disciplined intention.
Any situation can be solved if you relax, set down your need to win, and keep your eye on the ball.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Bill Benson is a Board certified Behavioral Scientist and Licensed Psychotherapist. Bill
pioneered The Mental Gym, a counseling practice that has trained thousands to build, and then
maintain healthier perspectives and emotional muscle.
A go-to expert in the Psychology field, Bill has appeared on a variety of television programs,
including Fox's Good Day LA, CBS' Woman to Woman, and NBC's Tonight Show.
Bill is a recurring panelist for Huffington Post Live and co-hosted 250 episodes of the cable talk
show Doc Talk.
Bill is a published writer, covering creative solutions to lifes challenges. He and his work have
been featured in newspapers and radio programs across America.
For additional information regarding Bill Benson LMFT, LPCC including Keynote speaking
engagements or Medical Review and Opinion omments / interview contact Gary Monroe,
MERG Digital & PR. info@mergdigital.com