Dear Danita,

I am going to try and tell you my story to help you understand what God is
revealing to me about my trip to your facility. My time with you at the
orphanage was very brief and God does things in His own time.

As you know, I am a podiatric physician and surgeon. I live in the Chicago

suburbs. I have been married to my husband for over 2 years. He was my
first and last boyfriend; we met in college over 10 years ago and have been
together ever since. He works as a financial planner/advisor for a Christian-
based organization that works exclusively with physicians called Larson
Financial Group.

I was fortunate to grow up in a Christ-centered home and cannot ever

remember life without my Heavenly Father, Jesus or the Holy Spirit. My
husband and I have moved about the country, living in Iowa, Florida and St.
Louis before recently settling in Chicago, which is where the rest of my
family is, and where I’ve always considered my home to be. My husband and
I have always been active serving in church, being part of small groups, and
spending time alone with God each day reading His Word and speaking with
Him in prayer and meditation.

I have never desired to be a mother. My husband has never desired to be a

father. We like kids, but never wanted our own. I never felt I had motherly
instincts and I’ve never felt love for a child. My focus is mainly on my
relationship with God, my marriage, and my career. I enjoy traveling and
fitness as my hobbies. I also have a dog who I consider to be our “baby.”

Right before Christmas this past year, my husband and I individually felt God
was speaking to us about adoption. I brought it up to my husband and we
laughed together, surprised how God was telling us both the same thing. We
said we’d just be open to His leading. We talked to a couple of families we
know who have adopted, just to hear their stories. We decided to just keep
praying for God’s direction and felt at peace about that.

The day I heard about the earthquake I was driving in my car to work. I
immediately started weeping, not something I do frequently. I had no idea
why I was weeping.
I did not want to go to Haiti. My husband received a text message from one
of our pastors 72 hours before the trip, asking “Does Amy have a passport
and can she go to Haiti on Monday?” My immediate answer was “No, I can’t
go to Haiti on Monday!” This was followed by a list of various reasons I could
not go: I just started a new job with a non-Christian employer who would
never allow me to take a week off at the last minute, cancel surgeries and
reschedule my patients. I did not have a passport and it was Friday morning,
etc, etc. My husband however, encouraged me to think about it. After
praying and submitting to God’s plan, not mine, I thought “Ok God, if you
want me to go to Haiti, then help me get there.” Obviously, through a small
set of miracles, my boss let me go, I got a passport in less than 2 hours, and
I was on my way.

My plan was to go to Haiti and provide for the medical needs of the children
at Hope for Haiti Children’s Center as best I knew how. I felt that God has
blessed my life abundantly, and I should serve Him back.

My husband did not share this with me at the time, but he felt there was
another reason God wanted me in Haiti. He heard God telling him that I
would come back changed, not as the same Amy he knew. He didn’t know
exactly what this would be, but that it would be something life-altering and
very special.

Honestly, I was disappointed when I got to the orphanage. I saw there was
already a pediatrician there, and I thought, “Lord, why did you bring me
here? They don’t need my skills.” I enjoyed being with the children, but felt
awkward around them, like I didn’t know what to do or say. I thought the
kids were cute, but I really didn’t have any emotions or feelings for them.

It wasn’t until towards the end of our trip that I really noticed Jean. I don’t
even know his last name or how old he is. I believe he is somewhere
between the ages of 4 and 6. I believe he is mostly blind and has cerebral
palsy. I know he has seizures. Anyhow, I was in the cafeteria. He was sitting
in his stroller, drool all down his neck, rolling his eyes around, head tilted
way back. I looked at him and started crying. I thought about him in his
darkness. I wondered how often he got picked up and held. I wondered if he
knew what love felt like. I wondered if he remembered his mother. I
wondered about his story. I still wonder because I do not know much about
him. I cried for his loneliness. I picked him up and held him. I tried to sing
“Jesus loves me” in his ear. I felt his arms and legs slowly relax as I held him
against me.

After that, I tried to spend as much time with him as I could, while still
passing out medicine, changing bandages and making rounds on the other
children. I slept next to him my last night in Haiti. I fed him breakfast and
lunch the next day. I felt concerned about him getting enough calories since
he eats so slow and has trouble chewing and swallowing. I left to get on the
bus to go home. I was happy to be going back to my family. I felt a little sad
about leaving, but I left knowing the children are all well cared for and loved
there.

I boarded the plane to Miami, still wondering why God had wanted me on
that trip. I just didn’t understand. I thought,” I hardly did anything for those
kids. How did I help them, God? Why did you want me there?” I opened my
journal to start writing and all I could think about was Jean. I felt a deep,
painful ache in my heart that I have NEVER felt before in my life. I desired
that child: To have him, to hold him, to love him, to care for him, to provide
for him. I felt a tender mercy for him and his contracted and twisted little
body. I thought, “What is this Lord?” I spent hours on the flights to Miami
and then on to Chicago seeking the Lord for an answer. I feel uncomfortable
saying this to you Danita, since you are his mother. I thought I heard God
telling me he was my son. I was in shock to think this. Why would I have the
desire for a child when I’ve never wanted one before? I’ve held plenty of
babies, babysat for the children of my friends and family. And why would I
want this child? One who could never really love me back, or care for me
when I get old?

I was afraid to share this with my husband when I got home. He knew it was
coming. I shared my experience with Jean to him and he started to cry. I
have never seen him cry before. He had the same desire in his heart for
Jean, even though he had never met him or seen him. We feel to our knees
immediately and asked God for help, for discernment and a clear
understanding of His plan for our family.
I have fervently been seeking ever since, trying to understand if this really
what God was telling me or not. I have spent time in the Word, listening for
God’s voice and seeking wise counsel from those I look up to spiritually.
Some of the verses I am reading:

“But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice.” Matthew
9:13

“My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.”

Psalm 119:28 (my mother is praying this verse for me.)

“Freely you have received, freely give.” Matthew 10:8

“He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the
day of Christ Jesus.” Phil 1:6

Now I know God sent me on the trip to break my heart towards children. He
did not only want me to use my medical skills to serve Him, He wanted me
to feel and experience mercy towards those children. And I did that, for the
first time ever.

I picture Jean living in my house. I thought today of him feeling snow on his
face for the first time, wondering what he would think of something so cold
and so wet. I am continuing to journal. I am writing out my prayers to the
Lord and little notes to Jean as well.

I was afraid to write you this letter; that you might find it offensive. Danita, I
am not saying you and your staff cannot care for him properly. I know you
can. I can too. Being a physician, and my husband working exclusively with
physicians, we could give him excellent medical care. We would provide for
him spiritually as well even though he understands very little. I know God
touches Him and comforts him inside is dark world. I know your plans are not
to adopt out children. I understand and respect your reasons for that. I know
that if this is God’s plan for Jean, you already know this or He will reveal this
to you. If this is not God’s plan for Jean, He will tell me that, too.

Please prayerfully consider what I am saying. I have thought about how

complicated adoption in Haiti is right now. I’ve thought about the finances,
the difficulty and commitment of caring for Jean’s needs, the amount of time
it may take to carry this out, and the possibility that your answer may be no.
But I know from past experience that often when the Lord speaks to us, we
have to move forward in faith, even if we don’t know all the answers and
details.

Please feel free to contact me at your convenience.

Sincerely,

Amy J. Schroeder-Whipp