We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....

sorry, NO
BRAIN found...!
I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE
READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT
BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose! Yet all the love that could be found in
two, is less than what I feel for you.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's
$3.95 per minute.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely petals and perfume aroma.
And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
Sex is like programming; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE
Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them
from your dreams......
My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole
If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi
Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis
was not found! Sorry..............
Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Put your crash helmet on, you're going through the head board.

Do you believe in love at first sight...or do I have to walk by again?

There's a gap in your life! Mind if I fill it!
I'm not Fred Flintstone but i can make your bedrock!
Girl, how long have you been in the oven, cause I know I felt something rising.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Here's 40c ring home and tell your mum that you wont be coming home tonight!
I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?
Your daddy must have been a hunter because you're a fox!
Hey, is your dad a terrorist? Cos baby, you're the bomb!
Do you want to go and do what I'm going to tell my mates we did anyway?
I looked up sexy in the dictionary today and your name was listed
I lost my phone number, can I have yours?
Is it hot in here or is it you?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
Get your coat love, you've picked up.
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would
you smile for me?
You are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming
Hi, my name's Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?
Have you ever been to the moon ? no ! sit on my rocket and I will take you there
Was you father a cement mixer? Because you sure make me hard.
I'm like Domino's Pizza, if you don't come in 30 minutes the next one is free...
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog,
20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it
on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for $1
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone
driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing,
Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too
high.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
Q: What's difference between Yoghurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
My Reality Check bounced.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
I have the body of a god Buddha
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat

Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
Why did God create Whiskey? To keep the Irish from ruling the world!!
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
Confucious advices you Never eat yellow snow.
Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their
lives.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
I only use de-odorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME!
How are you?
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H
FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still
searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.
Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.
Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS
GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!
Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be
disconnected!
HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide
ME?
U know what's the difference between u getin laid, and pope getin laid? If pope get laid it a Sin, if u
get laid it a Miracle
This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please
put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

NEWSFLASH - Earthquake in New Zeland...20,000 dead...US sending cash, Britain sending food,
Australia sending replacement Kiwis.
I went to ur house just now - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take
sign down next time ok!
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...
U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong
number...SORRY :)
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
Nope.....u still ugly!
If you need advice, text me... if you need a friend, call me ... if you need me, come to me... if you
need money........ SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway
Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough cash you can buy them back.
Without humor, life sucks. Without Love, Life seems hopeless. But without a friend like you, life is
nearly impossible.
Memories last forever, they simply never die, true friends stay together - they NEVER say goodbye.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so my friend stay wasted all the time, and have the
time of your life!
A faithful friend is worth more than all the gold in the world.
Love is only chatter, it's your friends that really matter.
I've nothing to offer so it's love I'm going to send. It's nothing that I've borrowed, nor nothing that
I'd lend. This love that I send comes with my Lifetime Guarantee.
It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.

Friendships multiply joys and divides grief.

Our kind of friendship is like love without wings!
Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.
What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.
Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.'
Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'
Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up
with somin to help u.
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.
How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to
her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.
How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
Y did the cannibal rush 2 the cafeteria? He heard kids were half price.
Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
You are here: X
In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and
ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start
anything.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber
U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'
Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"
Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!
Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur
face - NO SEX!
When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong
number....
Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high
explosives.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me
Mind intentionally left blank...
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Born Free........Taxed to Death.
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO
BRAIN found
I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.
Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find
brain...leaving now...
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

100,000 sperm and You were the fastest?

I'm not a complete idiot, some pieces are missing.

Stop the Slaughter! Boycott Baby Oil!
I'm not drunk shilly sit
www.sex@myplace.com.now.
Work Harder! Millions on Welfare depend on you.
Horne broke. Watch for Finger.
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
Next mood swing: 6 minutes. Keep safe distance
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers
Don't Blame me. I voted.
If you can read this, thank your teacher.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Unless you're a haemorrhoid, get off my ass!
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Have fun in bed with someone you love. Use your car for better things.
I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewellery.
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
Guys have feelings too? Who cares...
I go from zero to bitch in 3.5 seconds.
A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
I'm not as drunk as you think I am

All in favour of Viagra please rise

Don't upset me!! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.....
Of course I don't look busy......I did it right the first time !!!!
All stressed out and no one to CHOKE......
I sleep with my Teddy Bear, I know where he's been
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over ......
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Dont follow me, I'm lost too!
God, please protect me from your followers.
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
If you can read this, youre too close. (Written in brail)
Do Not Tailgate. Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL !!!!!
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.
Hold on before you pass, I'm reloading.
I have PMS and a gun....."Excuse me, did you have something to say?"
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!

Fight crime, shoot back

My karma ran over your dogma.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Caution! Driver's applying make-up
The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL !!
I drive this way just to piss you off.
Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your CAR) FROM Your Fire Dept.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
Lost your cat? Look under my tyres
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac
<----Passing Side / Suicide---->
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass.
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Don't drink and drive -- if you hit a bump you spill your beer.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth
Honk if you hate noise pollution

Horn broken: Watch for finger.

Honk if you love cheeses.
Honk if you're illiterate
Honk if the twins fall out
Honk if parts fall off!
My wife's other car is a broom.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
This car is like my HUSBAND; if it ain't yours don't touch it!
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
I got this motor home for my wife.... BEST deal I ever made!
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS !!
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Stop Inbreeding! Ban country music.
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve.
A fool and his money are my best friends
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
Hit me, I need money.....
Thank God for the tax department. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

A fool and his money are soon partying

IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE......
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Grow your own dope;

Plant a Man.

Good Girls Go To Heaven; Bad Girls Go Everywhere.

FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT !!
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
Men aren't pigs.... PIGS are gentle, cute creatures!
Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
When God made man she was only kidding!
Normal people worry me ??
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Madness takes its toll -- please have exact change ready.
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My other wife is beautiful.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

Never fight ugly people they have nothing to loose

If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of Its students.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.
Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
The question of fishing is not a matter of life or death...
It's more important than that.
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
Archaeologists will date any old thing
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig..
She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART ??
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
Humpty Dumpty WAS Pushed....
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

Worry, God knows all about you.

Jesus is coming, look busy!
Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to!
Is there life before coffee?
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Flying saucers are real; the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead...
Nonconformists are all alike.
Hug your kids at home - Belt them in the car!
Car will explode upon impact
Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows it's your daughter in here.
HANG UP AND DRIVE !!
DIPLOMACY IS THAT ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK
If you love your life as much as I love my car then you won't steal it
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
If you are not the lead truck, the scenery never changes.

I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good With Ketchup.
One who Farts in Church sits in his Own Pew.
Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my Clothes!!!
I Hate Coffee -- It Keeps Me Awake at Work.
I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE - VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE !
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather........
NOT, Screaming and Yelling like the passengers in his Car !!
A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
FINALLY -- BE KIND TO YOUR CHILDREN -- THEY CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Forget the Whales. Save the Cowboy
I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
Old Skiers Never Die. They Just Go Downhill.
Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch
My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
If You Love Jesus Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk
Black Holes Suck
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Don't steal. The government hates the competition.
Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!
Very Funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!"... Till you can find a rock.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog....Dorothy
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
car.
Why doesn't Batman have a Batbeeper?
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
All generalizations are false.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?