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Function Over Fashion
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By Keith B. Hoffman
BROWN GOLD
Precisely 3,000 years ago next Wednesday, a
hungry Mayan was foraging deep in what is now
known as Mexican coastal forest. After a long
morning of unsuccessfully hunting for deer, he
sat down, slightly agitated, on a beautiful moss
covered log. As he exhaled boredom and gazed
up into the canopy, he noted the flaccid pods of a
tropical cocoa tree.
While scratching his left cheek he tentatively
reached up with his right hand, yawned, and
broke open a pod. He sucked on the beans and
was surprised by their bitter yet oddly satisfying
taste. He felt alert, renewed. Later that evening,
he gave his wife some of the beans. She, like all
women since, reacted quite favorably. Next came
a breakthrough. With tartness still in her mouth
she decided to grind up the beans into a paste
and mix with water. The resultant drink was
named Xocolatl (pronounced ‘shock-oh-latt-le’).
This ‘bitter water’ was the first form of what we
now call chocolate. The beverage was instantly
held in such lofty esteem that consumption of it
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was supposedly limited to nobles, high religious
figures and other VIPs of the day.
Now, of course, chocolate is available
worldwide, and we buy four billion quid of it every
year. The modern-day ancestors of that astute
Mayan couple are currently experimenting with
everything from bean roasting methods, to
emulsification additives, storage systems
and ‘tempering’ technology designed to
enhance ‘mouthfeel’ via ‘a higher content
of type-V crystals’. Meanwhile, scientists
are busy exploring the antioxidant
potential of chocolate flavonoids, while
new-age mystics jangle on about
endogenous cannabinoids and
serotonin effects.
Fear not, all you need to
do is eat it.
CHOCOLATE WITH
YOUR WINE?
Even if you answer no, many
women would answer yes, so you
might want to pay attention. The oft-quoted rule
is that the wines you pair with chocolate should
be sweeter than the chocolate, otherwise the wine
will taste bitter. One has to be careful, though, as
chocolate can annihilate many wines.
Don’t pair it with champagne unless it’s
Andre (and you shouldn’t be drinking
Andre unless you are still at university).
Good champagne is too dry, complex and
delicate to brutalise with chocolate.
For pairings with chubby big reds
like Zinfandels, Pinotages, Ports,
or a serious Syrah or Shiraz, etc.
try bittersweet chocolate.
When consuming milk
chocolate or white chocolate, best
to go sweeter with the beverage,
like an ice wine, Muscat or a late-
harvest Riesling. But a Tokaj
or a d’Yquem, both of which
can keep for centuries, are best
savored on their own.
TASTING SUGGESTIONS
Ask your chocolatier for
Valrhona Guanaja Dark
Chocolate Bar (70 percent),
Scharffen Berger Extra Bitter
(70 percent), Ghirardelli
Bittersweet, and/or related
selections. You generally should
avoid cocoa liquor percentages
higher than 70 as bitterness and
intensity can overwhelm the
flavors.
You shouldn’t be eating
milk chocolate unless you’re
on a date with someone who
wants something sweet and
easy. Understand that holding
a thick bar of Valrhona or
Callebaut says, “I’m offbeat,
well-travelled and have excellent
taste”. However, clutching a
slab of Nestlé’s says, “I just left
the Harry Potter convention”.
There are a few acceptable milk
chocolates: Lindt has a creamy
delivery and strong dairy flavor,
while Scharffen Berger makes
a fine milk chocolate that’s
surprisingly complex given the

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low amount of cacao. Avoid Cadbury’s if you’re
pairing with any wine other than a heavy port—
the English tradition of using caramelised milk
overwhelms virtually anything you’re drinking.
John Selig was a key contributor to this article.
LESS IS MORE
Vodka is wonderfully popular considering it has
no distinctive character, aroma, taste or color—
no nothing. Just ethanol and water.
Ponder that for a few moments as you walk
into a bar with 30 ‘different’ vodkas strewn
about in bottles from drab to the insanely
ornate. Contemplate their staggeringly broad
price range. Is this some worldwide marketing
conspiracy to rid you of hard-earned cash in the
guise of sophistication? An insane puppet theatre
where we consumers are being strung around by
bartenders, who, in turn, are being manipulated
by bar owners and tarts in tube-tops plying
beautiful bottle design? Are we all playing with
one another here? Yes we are.
Smirnoff, for example, launched Vodka
into the collective psyche by the sheer force of
advertising. No harm done. Absolut, however,
is to blame for the idea that the bottle mattered
more than its contents. In their defense though,
I cannot imagine that Absolut had any idea of
the pestilence such an epiphany could bring.
Pandora’s bottle was cracked.
Okay, yes, there are, possibly, some minute
differences between vodkas. Not, however, from
what they are made from. The production of
ethanol is designed to produce, you guessed
it, ethanol. A simple compound that, after the
intense distillations used to produce vodka, looks,
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feels and tastes exactly the same whether it was
derived from the fermentation of potatoes, beets,
grains, plain sugar or the juice of a Cornish pasty. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tiny differences in vodka, theoretically, might be
found in congener content. These chemicals are
aldehydes, esters, etc. that contribute to the taste
of certain liquors, especially ones not thoroughly
distilled. Congeners have been implicated in
hangovers via far less than scientific methods.
However, most vodka you’ll find on the shelves
is a distillate that was 95-percent pure ethanol
before being diluted with water and then filtered,
hence it’s basically free of congeners. Does one
need to filter 64 times, or is once enough? Once
does it. So then, what is the difference between
the vodka brands you’re likely to select from?
Dihydrogenated oxygen. Cripes! What’s that?
Water. Yep, the difference is water, or is it?
Do you wonder about what ice cubes the
bartender uses to shake your cocktail before
decanting it into your glass? Do you enquire
about the quality of their ice, its source, mineral
content, etc.? No, you don’t. You don’t because it
doesn’t matter. Same goes for the water in your ÈHb^gcd[[Äi]ZÒghicVbZ^cKdY`VWgVcY^c\#
Vodka. Care to examine the residues of soap and
disinfectant left on the interior surfaces of those
‘clean’ glasses the barkeep pours your vodka into? I6HI:I:HI
Ever watch the typical ‘washing’ process?
If you believe any differences in vodkas Organise a blind tasting with you friends.
made with glacial, holy, tap, or backwater remain Invest in a wide array of vodkas and make
relevant once its poured into that glass, well, you sure to cover up the bottles and anything
need a stiff drink. else that would give away the brand.
Enjoy the ultimate mixer without being a Smirnoff, Gordon’s, etc. usually win
chump. Drink your Coke straight. Save your big against the Gooses, Skyys, Chopins, Ketels,
money for super premium Scotch, Tequila and Belvederes and whatever new sexy bottle
wine. Nothing says “I don’t care about cash” comes out next.
as much as that Grey Goose and Cranberry.
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