JEDI WITNESS PROTECTION

sketch by Jason Filiatrault

INT. SCI-FI OFFICE - DAY
Inside a slightly sci-fi office, two OFFICERS in JEDI ROBES
sit behind desks like tired pencil-pushers. The phone RINGS.
DANKO-WAT
Yes, hello? No, this is the Jedi
Witness Protection Program... no, no
ma'am you're looking for the Jedi
Council... no, they've all been
destroyed... that's right, the clone
wars. Yep, and may the force be with
you.
DANKO hangs up and looks over at the other desk where his
partner, GALAN-TOSH, looks over a file folder.
GALAN-TOSH
Wrong number?
DANKO-WAT
Yeah it's those assholes on the
switchboard. Never get the right
extension.
(off the file)
What's that? New witnesses?
GALAN-TOSH
Bit of a tough one, actually. Seems
that we've got a pair of babies,
mother died in child birth, father
turned to the dark side, two twins
left behind as the only hope to ever
bring balance to the force. Usual
tragic tale.
DANKO-WAT
Breaks your heart.
GALAN-TOSH
Only, they figure the father's a bit
of a violent type...
DANKO-WAT
My dad gave me a smack now and then,
never did me any harm
GALAN-TOSH
Maybe, but your dad wasn't the halfrobotic, laser-sword wielding, right
hand of of the sith, now was he?

2.
DANKO-WAT
He drank a bit.
GALAN-TOSH
My womp-rat drinks a bit, it don't
make him an unholy dark lord of all
evil.
DANKO-WAT
So what then, we gotta hide the kids.
Put them in witness protection?
GALAN-TOSH
That's right. Word from the galactic
senate is that both kids have to go
into hiding so their father, never,
ever, ever finds them.
DANKO-WAT
What happens if he does?
GALAN-TOSH
Well obviously he'll turn them to
the dark side and build an evil sith
army.
DANKO-WAT
And that's bad.
GALAN-TOSH
Of course it's bad. We've only got
two Jedi left in the entire universe,
and they're both in witness
protection.
DANKO-WAT
Right, where did we hide them again?
GALAN-TOSH
Well, we hid one on Dagoba, in a
swamp.
DANKO-WAT
Cause he kinda looked like a frog.
What about the other guy... Obi-Wan
something...
GALAN-TOSH
Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi. We stashed
him away under a new name so the
sith would never find him.
DANKO-WAT
What name was that?

3.
GALAN-TOSH
Uh...
(looking at a file)
New name is... Ben Kenobi.
DANKO-WAT
We changed his name from Obi-Wan
Kenobi, to Ben Kenobi.
GALAN-TOSH
Looks like. Actually, now I think
of it, maybe not the best hiding job
we've ever done.
DANKO-WAT
Okay, so what do we do about the
kids?
GALAN-TOSH
Well there's a boy and a girl.
and Leia.

Luke

DANKO-WAT
And the father?
Galan-Tosh holds up a picture of Darth Vader.
GALAN-TOSH
Anakin Skywalker... from the planet
Tatooine.
Seriously?
retarded.

DANKO-WAT
Sky-walker?

That sounds

GALAN-TOSH
Nevermind that. Let's do the boy
first. Give him a new name. What
do you figure?
DANKO-WAT
How about... Luke Skywalker.
GALAN-TOSH
Great. And a new place to live?
Remember, we can literally hide him
on any one of a hundred thousand
planets spanning across the entire
galaxy - anywhere at all.
DANKO-WAT
Where was his father from?
Galan-Tosh looks over a file.

4.
GALAN-TOSH

Tatooine.

DANKO-WAT
Let's go with that one.
GALAN-TOSH
Okay, actually, the father, the one
we're trying to hide this boy from he has a step-brother still living
on the planet, so we can just stick
the kid with him.
Perfect!
up.

DANKO-WAT
Sounds great.

Stamp it

Galan-Tosh holds up his hand to slow things down.

GALAN-TOSH
Hang on, hang on. We should probably
go over this plan, check for any
holes.
Fair enough.

DANKO-WAT

GALAN-TOSH
Okay, so our plan to hide this very
important and possibly messianic boy
from his all powerful, telepathic,
cyborg father... is to name the kid
Luke Skywalker, the exact same last
name as his father, and hide him on
his father's home world, with his
father's closest living relative.
Right.

DANKO-WAT

GALAN-TOSH
Hide him basically in plain sight.
In such an obvious location and with
such a blatantly obvious name that
any asshole with a phone book and
Google-maps could track him down.
Let alone a sith-lord with the
resources of the entire galaxy at
his disposal.
Pretty much.

DANKO-WAT

5.
GALAN-TOSH
Stick him on the only planet in the
entire galaxy that his father knows
by name. Where he can live in abject
poverty, on what I gather is some
kind of water-farm... Seriously
make this poor orphan live on a planet
so shitty that they have to farm
water. And then just hope and pray
that nothing happens to draw attention
to his presence... like, say, a droid
his father built as a child escaping
from a space battle and just happening
to crash land on the planet with topsecret plans for a battle station,
which then brings the empirial fleet
to the planet in an effort to find
that droid, which ends up being bought
by this kid's uncle for no obvious
reason and bringing the kid's
homocidal, rage-fueled bionic asshole
of a dad right to his front door.
(beat)
That's the plan?
Yep.

DANKO-WAT

GALAN-TOSH
Okay, great. That's one down. Now,
what do we do about his sister?
They both think briefly.
Oh, I know!
princess!
Brilliant!

DANKO-WAT
Let's make her a
GALAN-TOSH

Galan-Tosh stamps a couple forms.

FADE OUT: