definitions

667: Neighbor of the Beast

AAAAA: Australian Association Against Acronym Abuse
ATHEISM: A non-prophet organization
BACKWARD CONDITIONING: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to
make a bell ring
BIGAMY: One wife too many. Monogamy: same idea
BARIUM: what you do with dead chemists
BORE: One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you
BORE: A person who talks when you wish him to listen
BRAIN: The apparatus with which we think that we think
BUDGET: A method for going broke methodically
BUREAUCRAT: A person who cuts red tape sideways
CAPITALISM: Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse
CAT (kat') n.: Dog with an attitude problem
CAT TOY (n): Any object on the ground
CATACOMB (n): used for brushing cat hair
CATAHOLIC: Can't stop bringing cats home
CATALAN: Local area network for Cats
CATALOG: Cats' Firewood
CATALOGUE: How to tell one sort of cat from another
CATALYST (n): an alphabetical list of cats
CATALYZE: To lie while looking cute
CATATONIC (n): Italian beverage most preferred by cats
CATCHUP: A hair ball..
CATERPILLAR: Scratching post
CATHOLIC (n): A cat with a drinking problem
CAUTION: Do not install prior to installation
CHASTITY: The most unnatural of sexual perversions
CHICKEN: The egg's way of producing more eggs
CHILDISH GAME: One at which you cannot beat your spouse
CHOCOLATE: The other major food group
CIRCULAR DEFINITION: see DEFINITION, CIRCULAR
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer
COMMITTEE: 12 people making the mistakes of one
CONCLUSION: Where somebody got tired of thinking
CONSCIENCE: The inner voice warning you that somebody is looking
CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps
CRITIC: A man who leaves no turn unstoned
CYNIC: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket
D.A.D.D.: Daddies Against Dirty Diapers
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia
DATABASE (n.): more information than you'll ever need
DEATH: To stop sinning suddenly
DEATH: God's way of dropping carrier
DEATH: Life's answer to the question 'Why?'
DEATH: Life's way of telling you you've been fired
DEATH: Natures way of telling you to slow down
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law
DEMOCRAT: Let's tax this sh*t happening
DETOUR: The roughest distance between two points

DILATE: To live longer

DIME: A dollar after taxes
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young
DIPLOMACY: The art of letting somebody have your way
DIPLOMACY: The art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock
DIPLOMACY: The patriotic art of lying for one's country
DOCUMENTATION: The worst part of programming
DOGMATISM: Puppyism come to full growth
DOOR: something a cat wants to be on the other side of
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle
EXPERIENCE: What you get when you don't get what you want
EXPERIENCE: a name everyone gives to his mistakes
FACT: Solidified opinion
FACTS: Stubborn things
FAT PERSON: Nutritional Overachiever
FIFE. n. Small shrill instrument that rhymes with wife
FINE: Tax for doing wrong. Tax: fine for doing fine
FLIRT: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself
FOOT: A device for finding furniture in the dark
FRAUD(n): A telephone number starting with "1-900"
FRIEND: Someone who likes you even after they know you
GAMBLING: The sure way of getting nothing for something
GOLFER: One who yells fore!, takes five and writes down three
GUIDANCE: See under Advice. ADVICE: See under Guidance
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you
HANGOVER: The wrath of grapes
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick
HARP: A nude piano
HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying
HOBBY: Getting exhausted on your own time
HUNCH: Creativity trying to tell you something
IBM: I Buy Macinstosh
IBM: I've Been Misled
IMAGINATION: is the only weapon in the war against reality
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together
JUNK: stuff we throw away. STUFF: junk we keep
JUSTICE: A decision in your favor
KARAOKE: A Japanese word meaning tone deaf
KEYBOARD: Device used to enter errors into the computer
KIDS: They're not sleeping, they're recharging!
KLEPTOMANIA: take something for it
LAUGHTER: The shortest distance between two people
LAWYER: The larval form of a politician
LIBRARY: An arsenal of liberty
LIFE: Something to do when you can't get to sleep
LIFE: What happens to you while you are making other plans
LIFE: A series of very rude awakenings
LISP: To call a spade a thpade
LOTUS: Let Only The Users Suffer
LSD: A cheaper version of virtual reality!
MASOCHIST: Macintosh user with a smile!
MEMORY: a thing we forget with
MEXICO'S LARGEST EXPORT: Their Population
MICROSOFT WINDOWS: a virus with mouse support

MISFORTUNE: The kind of fortune that never misses

MODEM: Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine
MODEM: What landscapers do to dem lawns
MODEM: A deterrent to phone solicitors
MODEM: Deterrent to receiving wanted and unwanted calls
MODERATOR (n): see also god, dictator, egotist, oppressor..
MULTITASKING: Reading in the bathroom
MULTITASKING: 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
MULTITASKING: Screwing up several things at once!
NAVY: Never Again Volunteer Yourself
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing
NERVOUS: Asking which wine goes best with fingernails
NOSTALGIA BUFF: One who finds the past perfect and present tense
NOW (n), adv: A moment in time that has already passed
OVERLOAD: Core meltdown sequence initiated
PARANOID: Paying MORE for Surge-Protectors than Computers
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PEANUTS: The Drinking Man's Filter
PEDICURE: Bicycle repair
PHILOSOPHY: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently
PHILOSOPHY: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems
PHOBIA: What's left after drinking 2 out of a 6 pack
PLAGIARISM: The sincerest form of flattery
POLITICS: Poly: many + Tics: blood sucking parasites
POLITICS: The entertainment branch of industry
POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money
PROFANITY: One language all programmers must know
PROFESSOR: Someone who talks in somebody else's sleep
PROSTITUTE: Receiver of swollen goods
PRUNE: A plum that has seen better days
PURRANOIA: The fear that your cat is up to something
PURRING: The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness
PURRING: An automatic safety valve for happiness overflow
REALITY: Where the pizza dude comes from
REALITY: Something that occupies time between dreams
REALITY: An obstacle to hallucination
REALITY: A constant intrusion on my dreams
RECURSION: See RECURSION
REJECTION: When your imaginary friends won't talk to you
RENTAL CAR: The only *TRUE* all-terrain vehicle
RETIREMENT: When you stop living at work and start working at life
SHAREWARE: Forget the manual...phone the author at home!
SKIER: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them
SKIER: Avalanche looking for a place to happen
SLEEP: A poor substitute for caffeine
SLEEP: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off
SOCIALISM: The equal distribution of poverty
SOFTWARE INDEPENDENT: Won't work with ANY software
SOLUTION: A more subtle problem
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work
SUBDOMINANT: Chief officer aboard a submarine
SUMO WRESTLING: survival of the fattest
TACT: Making a point without making an enemy

TACT: Knowing how far to go in going too far

TACTICS: Breathmints for dyslexics
TAGLINE (n): High technology bumper sticker
TERROR: A female Klingon with PMS
THE BOY SCOUTS: Like the army with adult supervision
THESAURUS: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
TONGUE: A sharp object used in courts to split hairs
TRILOGY (n): Series of three books, sometimes more
TRILL: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure
UNILINGUAL: American
UPGRADE: Take old bugs out, put new ones in
VIRTUOSO: A musician with very high morals
VOLCANO: A mountain with hiccups
WOMEN: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs
WORK: Something to do between breaks
WORRY : The interest paid on trouble before it's due
WITLAG: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke
WOMAN: Man, the sequel
WORK: The slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life

quotations

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent

--Salvor Hardin (Isaac Asimov, Foundation)
What had the Lady Jessica to sustain her in her time of trial? Think you carefully
on this Bene Gesserit proverb and perhaps you will see: "Any road followed
precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to
test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the
mountain."
--from "Muad'Dib: Family Commentaries" by the Princess Irulan (Frank
Herbert, Dune)
The female sense of sharing originated as familial sharing--care of the young,
the gathering and preparation of food, sharing joys, love and sorrows. Funeral
lamentation originated with women. Religion began as a female monopoly,
wrested from them only after its social power became too dominant. Women
were the first medical researchers and practitioners. There has never been any
clear balance between the sexes because power goes with certain roles as it
certainly goes with knowledge
--The Stolen Journals (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
The person who takes the banal and ordinary and illuminates it in a new way
can terrify. We do not want our ideas changed. We feel threatened by such
demands. "I already know the important things!" we say. Then Changer comes
and throws our old ideas away
--The Zensufi Master (Frank Herbert, Chapter House Dune)

In order for the Empire to survive, the spice must flow

--Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (Frank Herbert, Dune)
The only way to retrieve a secret, once it is known, is to replace it with a lie; then
the knowledge of the truth is once again your secret
--Han Fei-Tzu (Orson Scott Card, Xenocide)
When I am weaker than you, I ask for freedom because that is according to your
principles; when I am stronger than you, I take away your freedom because that
is according to my principles
--Words of an ancient philosopher (Attributed by Harq al-Ada to one
Louis Veuillot) (Frank Herbert, Children of Dune)
One of the most terrible words in any language is Soldier. The synonyms parade
through our history: yogahanee, trooper, hussar, kareebo, cossack, deranzeef,
legionnaire, sardaukar, fish speaker...I know them all. They stand there in the
ranks of my memories to remind me: Always make sure you have the army with
you
--The Stolen Journals (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
There should be a science of discontent. People need hard times and
oppression to develop psychic muscles
--from "Collected Sayings of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan (Frank
Herbert, Dune)
It is said of Muad'Dib that once when he saw a weed trying to grow between two
rocks, he moved one of the rocks. Later, when the weed was seen to be
flourishing, he covered it with the remaining rock. "That was its fate," he
explained
--The Commentaries (Frank Herbert, Children of Dune)
1. A robot may not injure a human being, or through inaction, allow a human
being to come to harm
2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such
orders would conflict with the First Law
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not
conflict with the First or Second Laws
--Isaac Asimov, The Laws of Robotics
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and
saying: "Now, it's compete because it's ended here."
--from "Collected Sayings of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan (Frank
Herbert, Dune)
Given enough time for the generations to evolve, the predator produces
particular survival adaptations in its prey which, through the circular operation of
feedback, produce changes in the predator which again change the prey-etcetera, etcetera, etcetera....Many powerful forces do the same thing. You can
count religions among such forces
--The Stolen Journals (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
Above all else, the mentat must be a generalist, not a specialist. It is wise to
have decisions of great moment monitored by generalists. Experts and

specialists lead you quickly into chaos. They are a source of useless nit-picking,
the ferocious quibble over a comma. The mentat-generalist, on the other hand,
should bring to decision-making a healthy common sense. He must not cut
himself off from the broad sweep of what is happening in his universe. He must
remain capable of saying: "There's no real mystery about this at the moment.
This is what we want now. It may prove wrong later, but we'll correct that when
we come to it." The mentat-generalist must understand that anything which we
can identify as our universe is merely a part of larger phenomena. But the expert
looks backward; he looks into the narrow standards of his own specialty. The
generalist looks outward; he looks for living principles, knowing full well that
such principles change, that they develop. It is to the characteristics of change
itself that the mentat-generalist must look. There can be no permanent
catalogue of such change, no handbook or manual. You must look at it with as
few preconceptions as possible, asking yourself: "Now what is this thing doing?"
--The Mentat Handbook (Frank Herbert, Children of Dune)
Many forces sought control of the Atreides twins, and when the death of Leto
was announced, this moment of plot and counterplot was amplified. Note the
relative motivations: the Sisterhood feared Alia, and adult Abomination, but still
wanted those genetic characteristics carried by the Atreides. The Church
hierarchy of Auqaf and Hajj saw only the power implicit in control of Muad'Dib's
heir. CHOAM wanted a doorway to the wealth of Dune. Farard'n and his
Sardaukar sought a return to glory for House Corrino. The Spacing Guild feared
the equation Arrakis = melange; without the spice they could not navigate.
Jessica wished to repair what her disobedience to the Bene Gesserit had
created. Few thought to ask the twins what their plans might be, until it was too
late
--The Book of Kreos (Frank Herbert, Children of Dune)
Part of being a good interviewer, too, is knowing when to be silent
--(Orson Scott Card, Xenocide)
Most civilization is based on cowardice. It's so easy to civilize by teaching
cowardice. You water down the standards which would lead to bravery. You
restrain the will. You regulate the appetites. You fence in the horizons. You make
a law for every movement. You deny the existence of chaos. You teach even the
children to breathe slowly. You tame
--The Stolen Journals (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
Most discipline is hidden discipline, designed not to liberate but to limit. Do not
ask Why? Be cautious with How?. Why? leads inexorably to paradox. How?
traps you in a universe of cause and effect. Both deny the infinite
--The Apocrypha of Arrakis (Frank Herbert, Heretics of Dune)
Muad'Dib could indeed, see the Future, but you must understand the limits of
this power. Think of sight. You have eyes, yet cannot see without light. If you are
on the floor of a valley, you cannot see beyond your valley. Just so, Muad'Dib
could not always choose to look across the mysterious terrain. He tells us that a
single obscure decision of prophecy, perhaps the choice of one word over
another, could change the entire aspect of the future. He tells us "The vision of
time is broad, but when you pass through it, time becomes a narrow door." And
always, he fought the temptation to choose a clear, safe course, warning "That
path leads ever down into stagnation."
--from "Arrakis Awakening" by the Princess Irulan (Frank Herbert, Dune)

Any path that narrows future possibilities may become a lethal trap. Humans are
not threading their way through a maze; they scan a vast horizon filled with
unique opportunities. The narrowing viewpoint of the maze should appeal only to
creatures with their noses buried in the sand. Sexually produced uniqueness
and differences are the life-protection of the species
--The Spacing Guild Handbook (Frank Herbert, Children of Dune)
Humans live best when each has his place to stand, when each knows where he
belongs in the scheme of things and what they may achieve. Destroy the place
and you destroy the person
--Bene Gesserit Teaching (Frank Herbert, Heretics of Dune)
The child who refuses to travel in the father's harness, this is the symbol of
man's most unique capability. "I do not have to be what my father was. I do not
have to obey my father's rules or even believe everything he believed. It is my
strength as a human that I can make my own choices of what to believe and
what not to believe, of what to be and what not to be
--Leto Atreides II The Harq al-Ada Biography (Frank Herbert, Children of
Dune)
Individual human beings are all tools, that the others use to help us all survive
--Graff (Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game)
What do you despise? By this are you truly known
--from "Manual of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan (Frank Herbert. Dune)
In my estimation, more misery has been created by reformers than by any other
force in human history. Show me someone who says, "Something must be
done!" and I will show you a head full of vicious intentions that have no other
outlet. What we must strive for always! is to find the natural flow and go with it
--The Reverent Mother Taraza, Conversational Record, BG File
GSXXMAT9 (Frank Herbert, Heretics of Dune)
Parents always make their worst mistakes with the oldest children. That's when
parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong
and also more likely to insist that they're right
--Valentine (Orson Scott Card, Xenocide)
Law always chooses sides on the basis of enforcement power. Morality and
legal niceties have little to do with it when the real question is: Who has the
clout?
--Bene Gesserit Proceedings Archives #X0X232 (Frank Herbert, Heretics
of Dune)
Some never participate. Life happens to them. They get by on little more than
dumb persistence and resist with anger or violence all things that might lift them
out of resentment-filled illusions of security
--Alma Mavis Taraza (Frank Herbert, Chapter House Dune)
Bureaucracy destroys initiative. There is little that bureaucrats hate more than
innovation, especially innovation that produces better results than the old
routines. Improvements always make those at the top of the heap look inept.
Who enjoys appearing inept?

--A Guide to Trial and Error in Government, Bene Gesserit Archive (Frank
Herbert, Heretics of Dune)
The wise are not wise because they make no mistakes. They are wise because
they correct their mistakes as soon as they recognize them
--Han Fei-Tzu (Orson Scott Card, Xenocide)
Quite naturally, holders of power wish to suppress wild research. Unrestricted
questing after knowledge has a long history of producing unwanted competition.
The powerful want a "safe line of investigations," which will develop only those
products and ideas that can be controlled and, most important, that will allow the
larger part of the benefits to be captured by inside investors. Unfortunately, a
random universe full of relative variables does not insure such a "safe line of
investigations."
--Assessment of IX, Bene Gesserit Archives (Frank Herbert, Heretics of
Dune)
Truth suffers from too much analysis
--Ancient Fremen Saying (Frank Herbert, Dune Messiah)
Survival of self, of species, and of environment, these are what drive humans.
You can observe how the order of importance changes in a lifetime. What are
the things of immediate concern at a given age? Weather? The state of the
digestion? Does she ( or he) really care? All of those various hungers that flesh
can sense and hope to satisfy. What else could possibly matter?
--Leto II to Hwi Noree, His Voice: Dar-es-Balat (Frank Herbert, Heretics of
Dune)
I've had a bellyful of the god and priest business! You think I don't see my own
mythos? Consult your data once more, Hayt. I've insinuated my rites into the
most elementary human acts. The people eat in the name of Muad'dib! They
make love in my name, are born in my name--cross the street in my name. A
roof beam cannot be raised in the lowliest hovel of far Gangishree without
invoking the blessing of Muad'dib!
--Book of Diatribes from The Hayt Chronicle (Frank Herbert, Dune
Messiah)
When you have wisdom that another person knows that he needs, you give it
freely. But when the other person doesn't yet know that he needs your wisdom,
you keep it to yourself. Food only looks good to a hungry man
--(Orson Scott Card, Xenocide)
Historians exercise great power and some of them know it. They recreate the
past, changing it to fit their own interpretations. Thus, they change the future as
well
--Leto II, His Voice from Dar-es-Balat (Frank Herbert, Heretics of Dune)
Souvenirs of memory must be only that. Things to be taken up and fondled
occasionally for evocation of past joys. No joy can be permanent. All is transient.
"This, too, shall pass away" applies to all of our living universe
--Odrade (Frank Herbert, Chapter House Dune)
Enemies strengthen you. Allies weaken. I tell you this in the hope that it will help
you understand why I act as I do in the full knowledge that great forces

accumulate in my Empire with but one wish - the wish to destroy me. You who
read these words may know full well what actually happened, but I doubt that
you understand it
--The Stolen Journals (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
Some say I have no conscience. How false they are, even to themselves. I am
the only conscience which has ever existed. As wine retains the perfume of its
cask, I retain the essence of my most ancient genesis, and that is the seed of
conscience. That is what makes me holy. I am God because I am the only one
who really knows his heredity!
--The Stolen Journals (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
The only difference between a warning and a threat is whether you're the person
giving it or the person receiving it
--Quara (Orson Scott Card, Xenocide)
Memory never recaptures reality. Memory reconstructs. All reconstructions
change the original, becoming external frames of reference that inevitably fall
short
--Mentat Handbook (Frank Herbert, Heretics of Dune)
But the truth always carries the ambiguity of the words used to express it
--Leto The Tyrant (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
Specialists are not to be trusted. Specialists are masters of exclusion, experts in
the narrow
--Leto The Tyrant (Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune)
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders
--Law and Governance The Spacing Guild Manual (Frank Herbert,
Children of Dune)
All of life is a symphony of successive losses. You lose your youth, your parents,
your loves, your friends, your comforts, your health, and finally your life. To deny
loss is to lose it all anyway and to lose, in addition, your self-possession and
your peace of mind
--Siever Gennar (Isaac Asimov, Nemesis)
Justice? Who asks for justice? We make our own justice. We make it here on
Arrakis - win or die. Let us not rail about justice as long as we have arms and
the freedom to use them
--Leto I: Bene Gesserit Archives (Frank Herbert, Heretics of Dune)
#top
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are
--Unknown
Without C, We would only have Pasal, Basi, and obol
--Unknown

And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports on it, you
know they are just evil lies
--Linus Torvalds
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error
--Weisert
And you wouldn't want to use capabilities over NFS anyway, since NFS stands
for No File Security
--Theodore Y Ts'o
Unix IS user friendly, it is just selective about who his friends are
--Unknown
I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and
possible program, of all time
--Bill Gates, 1987
OS/2 is destined to be a very important piece of software. During the next 10
years, millions of programmers and users will utilize this system
--Bill Gates, 1988
There is virtually no application OS/2 cannot run
--Bill Gates, 1989
(The OS/2 Bill is referring to is IBM's OS/2 WARP)
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good
--Bill Gates
It compiled, first screen came up?? Ship it!
--Bill Gates
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this kernel yet. So if
it works, you should be doubly impressed
--Linus Torvalds
640 Ko ought to be enough for anybody
--Bill Gates, 1981
Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means that it supplies your
computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning
whatsoever, stop operating
--Dave Barry
What's this script doing? unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ;
sleep. Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes
you're in a sleeping bag, camping out with your girlfriend
--Unknown
Also we should remember that unfortunately free software is not widely used
because people prefers to have something to plug'n'play and not something to
configure'n'work
--Pier Luca

The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected
--The UNIX Programmer's Manual, June 1972
We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds
--Linus Torvalds
I think there is a world market for about five computers
--Thomas J. Watson (IBM Chairman), 1943
I keep trying to tell my boss that no, Satan is a tool of Linux, not the other way
around
--Unknown
Only wimps use tape backup: real men just upload their important stuff on ftp,
and let the rest of the world mirror it
--Linus Torvalds, after a hard drive crash
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff
into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier
--Bill Gates, Business @ The Speed of Thought
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently
programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest
--Isaac Asimov
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home
--Ken Olsen, President, Digital Equipment, 1977
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
--Robert Orben
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside
--Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine
Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke
--Obi Wan Gates
Where the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons,
computers in the future may have 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh just
1-1/2 tons
--Popular Mechanics, March 1949
#top
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die
for his
--General George S. Patton
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult
--Edmund Gwenn, last words
It is not enough to succeed - others must fail

--Gore Vidal
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped
--Groucho Marx's last words
Some of you may not return...the rest of you definitely won't
--Yakko
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a
drink
--Fran Lebowitz
When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not
encountered the problem of parking an automobile
--Bob Edwards
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome
--Isaac Asimov
I like children. Properly cooked
--W. C. Fields
Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory,
tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of
being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious
emotional shouting matches over such issuse as toaster settings
--Dave Barry
There is a French saying:"Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the
sunset of love"
--De Finod
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can not
face each other, yet still they stay together
--Hemant Joshi
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the
maximum of opportunity
--George Bernard Shaw
The clearest explanation for the failure of any marriage is that the two people
are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female"
--Anna Quindlen, journalist and novelist
Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts
--Serge Gainsbourg
By medicine life may be prolonged, yet death will seize the doctor too
--Shakespeare
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the
disease
--Voltaire

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

--Unknown
Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop peddling
--Claude Pepper
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing
--Oscar Wilde
A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over
--R. Frost
All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're
behind us...they can't get away this time
--Chesty Puller (USMC, when surrounded by 8 enemy divisions during the
Korean War)
Men fear death, as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in
children is increased with tales, so is the other
--Francis Bacon
You are forgiven for your happiness and your successes only if you generously
consent to share them
--Albert Camus
I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations: one can either do this or
that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you
will regret both
--Soren Kierkegaard
And what's romance? Usually, a nice little tale where you have everything As
You Like It, where rain never wets your jacket and gnats never bite your nose
and it's always daisy-time
--D. H. Lawrence
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you
about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about
yourself
--Lisa Kirk
To all, perhaps, is given one moment of supreme joy - one hour to believe that
love is eternal, but a whole life to find out that it is an illusion
--Oscar Wilde
The first step to making a dream come true is to wake up
--unknown
The irony of life is that no one gets out alive...
--unknown
Much reading is an oppression of the mind, and extinguishes the natural candle,
which is the reason of so many senseless scholars in the world
--William Penn

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not
yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car
--Unknown
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of
blood form on your forehead
--Gene Fowler
Learning French is trivial: the word for 'horse' is 'cheval', and everything else
follows in the same way
--Alan J. Perlis
Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced, and the
inconvenience is often considerable
--Jane Austen
When the axe entered the forest, the trees said, 'relax, the handle is one of us'
--Ancient Turkish quote
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken
out of me
--Winston Churchill
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six
months
--Oscar Wilde
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends, if
they're ok, you're it
--Unknown
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to
where you can't find them
--Unknown
If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train
--Robert Lowell
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
books
--Alan King
Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children
--George Bernard Shaw
Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards
--Unknown
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh
--Voltaire
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings
--Ed Gardner

You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt
doesn't work
--Hy Gardner
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..."
--Isaac Asimov
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens
--Woody Allen
Remember, if people talk behind your back, it only means you're two steps
ahead
--Unknown
Love is only the dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species
--W. Somerset Maugham
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it
--Sam Levenson
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic
--Joseph Stalin
I'll sleep when I'm dead
--Warren Zevon
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it
--Unknown
Life is one long process of getting tired
--Samuel Butler
The best way to start a fire with two sticks, is to be sure that one of them is a
match
--Will Rogers
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you
sit on the bottom
--Unknown
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter
--Jack Benny
It is not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end
--Douglas Adams
No good deed goes unpunished
--Clare Booth Luce
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to
remember it
--George Burns

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends

--Addison Mizner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gives it to
--New England saying
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets,
the more interested he is in her
--Agatha Christie
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills
--Minna Antrim
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to
possibilities; truth isn't
--Mark Twain
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
--Hector Berlioz
Everybody's private motto: It's better to be popular than right
--Mark Twain
ARBEIT MACHT FREI (work makes you free)
--the words written over the entrance to the concentration camps
#top
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at
the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us
--Helen Keller
Freedom defined is freedom denied
--The Illuminatus
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have
--Rabbi H. Schachtel
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures
--Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
We are each of us angels with but one wing. And we can only fly embracing
each other
[Siamo angeli con un'ala sola. Per volare dobbiamo stare abbracciati]
--Luciano de Crescenzo
Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity
--Oprah Winfrey
Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and
hurry off as if nothing had happened
--Winston Churchill
Some People, like Flowers, Give Pleasure Just by Being
--unknown

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up

--unknown
A man needs a good memory after he has lied
[Il faut bonne memoire apres qu'on a menti]
--Pierre Corneille
Don't be so humble, you're not that great
--Golda Meir
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects
--Will Rogers
The best way to keep friends is not to give them away
--unknown
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me
--Benjamin Disraeli
All's fair in love and war
--Francis Edward Smedley
Never seem wiser, nor more learned, than the people you are with. Wear your
learning, like your watch, in a private pocket: and do not merely pull it out and
strike it; merely to show that you have one
--Lord Chesterfield
Friendship is one soul in two bodies
--Frost
For when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name,
He writes - not that you won or lost - but how you played the Game
--Grantland Rice
What is called generosity is usually only the vanity of giving; we enjoy the vanity
more than the thing given
--Franois Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Be the first to say what is self-evident, and you are immortal
--M. Ebner-Eschenbach
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love
--Albert Einstein
A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking
--Martin H. Fischer
We do not usually look for allies when we love. Indeed, we often look on those
who love with us as rivals and trespassers. But we always look for allies when
we hate
--Eric Hoffer
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are

not
--Andre Gide
The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but
those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn
--Alvin Toffler
To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you
see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can have
--Theodore H. White
Wisdom is divided into two parts: (a) having a great deal to say, and (b) not
saying it
--Unknown
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which they never show to anybody
--Mark Twain
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
--Eleanor Roosevelt
Not to know is bad. Not to want to know is worse. Not to hope is unthinkable.
Not to care is unforgivable
--Nigerian saying
It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head
--Sally Kempton
Talent is what you possess; genius is what possesses you
--Malcolm Cowley
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle, or the mirror that
reflects it
--Edith Wharton
Eliminate the impossible, and whatever remains, however improbable, is the
truth
--Sherlock Holmes
#top
You shall not intentionally damage any system that you hack
You shall not alter any system files except only for ensuring your escape from
detection and future access
You shall not leave any interesting names and phone numbers in your illegally
accessed system as you will certainly be tracked down
You shall not hack government computers as the government has more time
and resources to track you down, and will track you down
You shall crack every interesting programs that you can get your hands on
You shall be paranoid: trust no one, talk to no one, listen to no one and believe
no one unless you really know them
--hackers' ethic
We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call
us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious

bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you
murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet
we're the criminals.
Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging
people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of
outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for
--The Mentor - The Conscience of to Hacker, January 8th 1986
A hacker is never satisfied with the default settings of a program or of the
custom installations, he always has to open the configuration menu and set the
options to get the maximum performance, and to make the product work as
close as possible to his way. A hacker must be able to use, to modify and to
check all the possible features of a program
--Steven Levy, Hackers: Heroes of the Computer Revolution, chapter 2
(The Hacker Ethic)
#top
Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just
what it is
--Diane Ackerman
The fate of love is that it always seems too little or too much
--Anonymous
You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words in
your sleep to get divorced
--Anonymous
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an
imperfect person perfectly
--Anonymous
If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile
--Lynda Barry
Friendship is love with understanding
--Ancient Proverb
In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one
equals nothing
--Mignon McLaughlin
Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly
--Louis Ginsberg
Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate
needs no instruction, but wants only to be provoked
--Katherine Anne Porter
All you need is love
--The Beatles
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your
house, you can never tell

--Joan Crawford
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen
it
--Franois de La Rouchefoucauld
There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations
--Franois de La Rouchefoucauld
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in
the same direction
--Antoine de Saint-Exupry
We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us
--Madame de Stal
Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass
--French Proverb
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need
you because I love you"
--Erich Fromm
It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering
courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is
created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations
--Khalil Gibran
To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply
gives you courage
--Lao Tzu
Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must
be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration
--D. H. Lawrence
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that
--Michael Leunig
Love is what happens to men and women who don't know each other
--W. Somerset Maugham
#top
- Do you believe in fate, Neo?
- No
- Why not?
- I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life
--Morpheus, Neo - THE MATRIX
A bone is just a bone until two lions decide that only one of them is gonna walk
away with it
--billionaire Max Fairbanks - What's The Worst That Could Happen?
Vanity... definitely my favourite sin!

--Milton - Devil's Advocate

Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the
Universe.
Five hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat.
Fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Just THINK what you'll know tomorrow.
--M.I.B.
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero
--Fight Club
With the first link, a chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought
forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably
--Captain Picard - Star Trek
- What do you want from me?
- I want you to be yourself. You know, I`ll tell you, boy. Guilt is the bag of fucking
bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down.
- I can`t do that.
- Who are you carrying for all those bricks? God? Is that it? Well, I`ll tell you. Let
me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He`s
prankster. Think about it. He gives man INSTINCTS! He gives you this
extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for his own amusment, his
own private, cosmic gag reel. He sets the rules in opposition. It`s the goof of all
time. Look, but don`t touch. Touch, but don`t taste! Taste, don`t swallow. Ahaha!
And when you`re jumpin` from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He`s
laughin` His sick, fuckin` ass of. He`s a tight-ass! He`s a sadist! He`s an
absentee landlord. Worship THAT? NEVER!
- Better raigne in hell then serve in heaven, is that it?
- Why not? I`m here on the ground of my nouse since the whole thing began.
I`ve nurtured every sensation man has been inspired to have. I cared about
what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected him in
spight of all his imperfections. I am a fan of man! I`m a humanist. May be the
last humanist. Who with the wright mind could possibly denye that the 20th
century was entirely mine? All of it, Kevin! All of it! Mine! I`m peeking! It`s my
time now. Our time!
--Kevin Lomax, Milton - Devil's Advocate
- Everything you create, you use to destroy
- Yeah, we call it human nature
--Leeloo, Korben Dallas - The Fifth Element
But seeing isn't always believing
--Alexander Leek, The Motham Prophecies
The question is "how". The question is always "how"
--Kevin Mitnick - Takedown
I'll play fair if I get to make up the rules
--Q - Star Trek
I am no poppetier, Kevin. I don`t make things happen. It doesn`t work like that. I
only set the stage. You pull your own strings

--Milton - Devil's Advocate

It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get
along with the people that are still alive
--Jimmy "the Tulip" Tudeski - The Whole Nine Yards
After all tomorrow is another day
--Scarlett O'Hara - Gone With the Wind
Kill a few people and they call you a murderer, kill a million and they call you a
conqueror ... go figure!!
--Cliffhanger
Privacy? Never heard of it
--Takedown
- Who are you?
- Who am I? Who are you? You never lost a case. Why? What do you say?
Because you`re so fucking good? Yeah? But why?
- Because you`re my father?
- I`m a little more than that, Kevin.
- What are you?
- I have so many names. I`m the hand under Mona Lisa skirt.
- Satan.
- Call me dad...
--Kevin Lomax, Milton - Devil's Advocate
Did you know that if is the middle of the word life?
--Apocalypse Now
But seeing isn't always believing
--Alexander Leek, The Motham Prophecies
Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you
were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference
between the dream world and the real world?
--Morpheus - THE MATRIX
#top
Pessimism is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may
gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having
reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as
they may, life becomes child's play
--Thomas Hardy
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the
pessimist fears this is true
--James Branch Cabell, from The Silver Stallion
I have never seen pessimism in a Company prospectus
--Sir William Connor
Only the man who finds everything wrong and expects it to get worse is thought
to have a clear brain

--John Kenneth Galbraith

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of intellectual error
--Raymond Aron
In the long run we are all dead
--economist John Maynard Keynes
How many pessimists end up by desiring the things they fear, in order to prove
that they are right
--Robert Mallet
Pessimism, when you get used to it, is just as agreeable as optimism
--Arnold Bennett
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he's crossing a one-way street
--Laurence J. Peter
#top
Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, while men represent the
triumph of mind over morals
--Oscar Wilde
Woman's mind is cleaner than man's; it changes more often
--unknown
Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another
--H. L. Mencken
Frailty, thy name is woman!
--Hamlet
For exercise, men can walk. Women talk
--unknown
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes
--Joseph Addison
Every woman should marry, and no man
--Benjamin Disraeli
Men marry to make an end; women to make a beginning
--Alexis Dupuy
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it was too
late
--Max Kauffman
Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness
--Madame de Rieux
I love being married. It's so great to find the one special person you want to
annoy for the rest of your life
--Rita Rudner, comedian

To marry a second time represents the triumph of hope over experience

--Samuel Johnson
Let's take the cup of hemlock now
--Ernest Hemmingway, novelist, at his wedding to his fourth wife
The Japanese have a word for it. It's judo - the art of conquering by yielding. The
Western equilvalent of judo is 'Yes, dear'
--J.P. McEvoy, American writer
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy
--Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld
The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding
--Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Savile's Crime, 1891
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they
do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues
--Balzac
Women have a tendency to assess their sense of self worth in relation to the
condition of their intimate relationships
--Maggie Scarf
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total
strangers
--Anonymous
Marriage is a mistake every man should make
--George Jessel
The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then
they marry him
--Cher
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses
--Lord Dewar
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for
those who have had any experience with them
--H. L. Mencken
God invented women because sheep can't cook
--unknown
Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo
--actress Mary Pickford, 1925
Women do come with instructions; ask them
--unknown
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you
haven't wasted a whole day

--Mickey Rooney
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never
remembers her age
--Robert Frost
Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age
--unknown
The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her
first question
--Unknown
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house
--Zsa Zsa Gabor
The strength of women is psychology cannot explain them
--unknown
When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman.
Well, I found her -- but, alas, she was waiting for the perfect man
--Robert Schuman
#top
Nonsense! There is no shame in defeat so long as the spirit is unconquered
--Fenix (Starcraft)
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and
water
--W. C. Fields
If we are strong, our strength will speak for itself. If we are weak, words will be
no help
--from the address President Kennedy never got to deliver in Dallas on
November 22nd, 1963
I am an atheist, thank God
--Louis Bunuel
The future is here, it's just not widely distributed
--William Gibson
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made
--Jean Giraudoux
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will
get the blame
--Laurence J. Peter
No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend
--Groucho Marx
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone he can
blame it on

--Jones' Law
Babies are such a nice way to start people
--Don Herrold
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in
two small jumps
--David Lloyd George
A stumble may prevent a fall
--Thomas Fuller
Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live
taking the form of a readiness to die
--G. K. Chesterton
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to
tell a lie well
--Samuel Butler
Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory
with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory
--Sir Thomas Beecham
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for
failure - which is: Try to please everybody
--Herbert B. Swope
The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise
forgive but do not forget
--Thomas Szasz
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week,
sometimes, to make it up
--Mark Twain
One must choose, in life, between making money and spending it. There's no
time to do both
--Edouard Bourdet
To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness
--Eugene Ionesco
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials
--Hubert Kirrman
I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out
--Judge Harold T. Stone
I believe history will be kind to me, for I intend to write it
--Winston Churchill
Weed - a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered
--Ralph Waldo Emmerson

It is necessary to win, but more important to fight

--fascist slogan
If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him
--Voltaire
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose
--William Shakespeare
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
--Unknown
I don't want to die now! I've still got a headache!
--Arthur Dent
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be
--Holbrook Jackson
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure
--Oscar Wilde
Classified quota. Please enter password: _
There are lies, damned lies, and statistics
--Mark Twain
Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending
That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend
And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner
And everythings done under the sun
And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer
--PINK FLOYD - Dogs
There is a 70% probability of tomorrow
--actual weatherman quote, 1988
I tried to think but nothing happened!
--Curly
Instant gratification takes too long
--Carrie Fisher
Remember when we said there was no future? Well, this is it
--Blank Regk
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated
--Mark Twain
All life's answers are on TV
--Bart Simpson
Half the lies they tell me aren't true
--Yogi Berra

I don't believe in panic

I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
so don't waste any tears
--Franka Potente - Believe
Quotations are for people who are not saying things worth quoting
--unknown

uselessinventions
useless invention: A freezer for Eskimos
useless invention: AC adapter for solar calculators
useless invention: Air-Bag for a motorcycle
useless invention: Anklet wristwatches for contortionists
useless invention: Avalanche prevention goggles
useless invention: Battery powered battery charger
useless invention: Battery-operated nuclear power plants
useless invention: Blinker Fluid
useless invention: Braille Drivers' Manual
useless invention: Braille toilet paper
useless invention: Braille TV guide
useless invention: Braille TV remote control
useless invention: Brake oil
useless invention: Brown undershorts
useless invention: Cabin pressurization system for the Cessna 150
useless invention: Caffeine-free Diet Coke
useless invention: Camcorder with braile-encoded buttons
useless invention: Candy bars with stannous fluoride added
useless invention: Cast iron wire
useless invention: Checkered paint
useless invention: Combs for bald-heads
useless invention: Condoms for misogynists
useless invention: Cordless plumb line
useless invention: Dehydrated water
useless invention: Diet celery
useless invention: Digital clock-winder
useless invention: Digital computer
useless invention: Double-sided playing cards
useless invention: Downhill stairmaster
useless invention: Ejector seats for helicopters
useless invention: Electric banana straightener
useless invention: Electric dog polisher
useless invention: Extra-large bicycle clips, for cycling in shorts
useless invention: Felt Jumper cables
useless invention: Fine glass-crystal castanets
useless invention: Fireproof cigarettes
useless invention: Fireproof kindling
useless invention: Fireproof matches

useless invention: Flame-retardant gasoline

useless invention: Flashbulb tester
useless invention: Flavored suppositories
useless invention: Foam rubber toothpicks
useless invention: Freeze Dried Water
useless invention: Frictionless Sandpaper
useless invention: Fur sink
useless invention: Hand-powered chainsaw
useless invention: How-to cassettes for the deaf
useless invention: Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates
useless invention: Inflatable PC -- The Ultimate Laptop!
useless invention: Inflatable anchor
useless invention: Inflatable darts-board
useless invention: Kickstand for a tank
useless invention: Laundromat in a nudist colony
useless invention: Leather cutlery
useless invention: Lie detectors for politicians
useless invention: Low salt brine
useless invention: Low-calorie PowerBar
useless invention: Luminous sun-dial, for use at night
useless invention: Matte finish floor wax
useless invention: Mesh raincoat
useless invention: Micro-miniature personal vibrator
useless invention: Money with negative face value
useless invention: Motorcycle seat-belts
useless invention: Muffler Bearings
useless invention: Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises flag; no ringing)
useless invention: Non-stick Cellotape
useless invention: Open Toed Safety Shoes
useless invention: Papier mache step ladder
useless invention: Parachute that opens automatically, upon impact
useless invention: Particle board tent stakes
useless invention: Reduced calorie water
useless invention: Remote control for a Watchman
useless invention: Remote control for a computer
useless invention: Reversible garbage disposal
useless invention: Rollerblade skates for peglegs
useless invention: Rubber Kleenex
useless invention: Screen door on a submarine
useless invention: Second-hand fireworks
useless invention: Self stick frying pan
useless invention: Soap Dissolver
useless invention: Solar powered flashlight
useless invention: Solar powered night light
useless invention: Solar-powered pacemakers for elderly sunbathers
useless invention: Steel-belted radial rubber bands
useless invention: Strap-on portable chairs
useless invention: Sugar coated insulin
useless invention: Sundial with glow in the dark markings
useless invention: Tire chains for motorcycles
useless invention: Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC
useless invention: Training wheels for timid sports car drivers
useless invention: Umbrella with a skylight
useless invention: Unsinkable submarine

useless invention: Waterproof sponge

useless invention: Waterproof teabags
useless invention: Waterproof toilet paper

aboutcomputers
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
printf("to C or not to C...that is the question/n")
Basic programmers never die. They just GOSUB without RETURN
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
10110100 00101101 <--- Reality bytes
Old computers make great boat anchors.
I'm an OS/2 developer...I don't NEED a life!
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
"Computer, open this hatch or I'll take an axe to your memory."
Windows NT: The world's only 80 megabyte Solitaire game!
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Best file compressor around: DEL *.* (100% compression!)
"C++" should have been called "D"
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
If God wanted us to do Hex we'd have 16 fingers
Blessed be the pessimist for he had made backups.
All computers wait at the same speed.
Oh no, a viru
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
Error 3032 - Recursion error. See error 3032.
For a bug-free environment do NOT run this program!
Sorry... my mind has a few bad sectors.

Sound Blaster Pro - A professional way to blow your ears

$$$ not found - (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN DOS RUN
CAT.COM started. Computer will hack furball in 5 seconds.
My other computer is a HAL 9000.
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Off the keyboard, thru the router, over the bridge, nothing but net!
Friends don't let friends use Windows.
Help! I'm trapped at 0D1C:01DA.
HHeellpp.. II''mm ssttuucckk iinn hhaallff--dduupplleexx.
Keyboard: Device used to enter errors into the computer.
Life's a cache, and then you flush...
Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
CODING: AN addictive Drug.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Hi, my name is Annie Key. Please don't hit me!
How long will a floating point operation float?!
I have a dream... DIR C: 999,999,937,498,127 bytes free.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
Insert new disk for drive C: Press ENTER when ready.

It said "insert disk #3", but only two will fit...

How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
It said, This is probably the best button to press.
Help! I can't find the "ANY" key.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
Modem sex begins with a handshake!
My modem isn't slow. It's "baudly" challenged.
(A)bort (R)etry (F)ail (U)nplug & (S)ell.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
Chernobyl used Windows
My hard disk went on a diet and lost it's FAT.
New computer? But I like my vacuum tubes... They keep me warm.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
My wallet's cache is disabled.
Confucius say: Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!
Never purge files after three sleepless nights.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
Sector not found... Did you look under the sofa?
My opinions are my own; mistakes are the computer's fault.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features...
Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!
New oxymoron: final beta
On this Site, we recycle all of our bytes, bit by bit.
No honey, I can't eat with the family. My computer gets lonely!
<CTRL> <ALT> <DEL> is the key to success
None Of You Exist! My Sysop Types All Of This In!

A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.

Not tonight dear, I have a Modem!!!
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wro...
Old days: Wine, Women, Song. Now days: Coffee, Computers, CD's.
Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Push red button to test, release to detonate...
Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
God is real, unless declared integer
Operator, give me the number for 911.
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Bad Command:(A)bort (R)etry (T)ake RAM hostage
Speed Kills - Use Macs!
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename, Dude!"
Operator, trace this call and tell me where I am.
DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Press ESC to enter or ENTER to escape...
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
DOS ERROR: Please remove cat from drive A:
Psst! Your .ZIP file is open!
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Running Windows is better than washing them!

And it's only ones and zeros.

Push any key. Then push the any other key.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Sorry... My mind has a few bad sectors.
DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote.
Prevent computer viruses. Install Trojans!
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Put your hard drive to your ear. Can you hear the C:?
Real programmers practice safe HEX.
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Windows is the best GUI - It always sticks!
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue......
All E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP.
That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.
MODEM: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Sometimes I wish I could ARJ my wife (instead, I SQZ her).
Sure I know how to copy disks, where's the Xerox?
Windows N'T: as in Wouldn't, Couldn't, and Didn't.
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
Windows: XT emulator for an AT.
Whoa! Error finding error not found error.
System error - Press F13 to continue...
Unknown Error on Unknown Device for Unexplainable Reason.
System halted - Press all keys at once to continue.
THE fIRST sTEP iS tO tAKE oFF tHE cAPS lOCK.
The only place I want data loss is on my credit card!

Don't ask me, I have random access memory.

The question is: "(2 * B!) OR NOT(2 * B!)".
Windows error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE]
There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
This site is password protected. To view type Ctrl-Alt-Del twice very quickly
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x.
Unzip... expand... What kind of pervert came up with this?
W.A.R.P.: We Are Real Programmers.
Use the Force, Luke, Don't give in to the DOS side.- ObiWan Kenobi
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
User Error: Replace user and hit any key to continue...
We all live in a yellow subroutine...
Unrecoverable Error #666: Armegeddon in 30..29..28..27..
I get mail........ I exist.
Windows would look better with curtains.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s}
WOMAN.ZIP - Great program but no documentation.
You can multi-task on iMACS. Keep a multitude of them!
I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2!
WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
WYTYSYDG...............What You Thought You Saw, You Didn't Get
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
Warning: CLINTON.COM contains the STONED virus!
I have a 33.6Kbps modem and 1.5bps fingers
The girl of your dreams is unavailable except in print.
The name is Baud......, James Baud.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I know I'm going to die. My birth certificate has an expiration date.
Unrecoverable Application ERROR - Detonation follows.
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
When 000 won't work .357 will!
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
I need my computer; it keeps me out of the bars!!
This is Borg. is futile is inevitable
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
When all else fails, RTFM.
HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!
I will not live in a world without Spam.
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
What distinguishes an PC from a boat anchor? Segment registers.
MacOS Error #56: Operator fell asleep while waiting.
If Windows sucked, it would be good for something!
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
If at first you don't succeed, call it v1.0!
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
General stupidity error reading drive C:

Who is General Failure and why's he reading my hard disk?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
MacOS is not a virus. Viruses do something!
It works better if you plug it in.
LOTUS: Let Only The Users Suffer
Fingers v1.0 -- The original mail processor.
Linux, the choice of a GNU generation.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick.
Look Ma, I'm a *Beta Tester*: KWQ Mail/2 for OS/2 v2.0!
Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.
MICROSOFT WINDOWS: a virus with mouse support.
SOFTWARE INDEPENDENT: Won't work with ANY software.
Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house.
Strike any user when ready.
Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting!
MULTITASKING: 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
System halted. There is NOTHING you can do.
UPGRADE: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
ERROR! CAT reader seems to be conflicting with the mouse.
My keyboard has an F1 key. Where is the NASCAR key?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
My other computer is an abacus.
ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: {SMACK} C:\>
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
OVERLOAD: core meltdown sequence initiated.

The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"

I'm not stupid, my brain contains a few bad sectors
PARANOID: Paying MORE for Surge-Protectors than Computers
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
Press <CTRL> <ALT> <DEL> to continue...
Out of Memory!? But I fed you 6 Megs this morning!
Press all the keys at once to continue...
Drive A: format failure, formatting C: instead...
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope)
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...
Press on a small rodent's head to obtain file.
PROFANITY: One language all programmers must know.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
SHAREWARE: forget the manual...phone the author at home!
Program too small to fit into memory.
Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
Real men write self-modifying code.
S met ing's hap ening t my k ybo rd . .
Start a download. Get a beer. Multi-tasking!
SENILE.SYS found. Not enough memory.
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!

Southern DOS: Dooooo Whuuuuuut now? Shonuuuuff? (Y/N)

Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Southern DOS: Hon, you fixin' to run outta space...
Start a download. Get a beer. Multi-tasking!
Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time

wordsofwisdom
!enif tsuj si gnihtyrevE !edis gnorw eht morf siht ta gnikool era uoY
In the begining there was nothing, which exploded. (Big Bang Theory.)
It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove
all doubt
If the voices in my head paid rent, I wouldn't be broke.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of rest, and you'll still die.
Don't think too hard, you might get hurt!
If today were a fish, I'd throw it back
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last
Optimists are simply pessimists on effective medication.
It might look like I'm sitting here doing nothing but... I work so fast that I'm
always finished.
If you never expect anything you won't be dissapointed if you don't get anything
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout
I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
There's 3 types of people in this world... the type that can count... and the type
that cant!
All things being equal...fat people use more soap!!!!
probably the sadedst thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy.
keep trying little buddy...

There is a thin line between insanity and all other forms of life. I am slowly
removing this line because I feel that everyone would be better off crazy.
Just say no to one word solutions
A day without sunshine is like, night.
To steal ideas from 1 person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
How many of you believe in telekinesis? raise my hand
God, I ask for patience - and I want it right now!
Instead of a seeing eye dog, what about a gun? If you walk around shooting all
the time, people will get out of your way. Cars too!
People who think they know everything are especially irritating to those of us
who do.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to
laugh. But then I think: "what if I was an ant, and she fell on me?" Then it
wouldn't be quite so funny.
Dad always said laughter is the best medicine, which is I guess, why so many of
us died of tuberculosis.
I want to know if I can live with what I know; and only that.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my
desk, I have a work station.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you are what you eat... then are you a cannibal
24 cans in a case.. 24 hours in a day.. coincidence? hmm... i dont think so
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will
get out of it.
Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Everyone is weird, that is what makes us all normal.
Reality is an hallucination caused by too much blood in the alcohol

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you also have five fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I may be drunk, but you're ugly. Tomorrow I'll wake up sober and you'll still be
ugly.
In the US today, you're considered innocent until appointed to a public position
by the president.
Life is trial and error, unless you're an incompetent crook, for whom life is error
and trial.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I'm free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally

You can't believe in anything you see or read or write
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
The road to success is always under construction.
The ultimate reason is "because."
Welcome to New Zealand, set your watch back 20 years.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
Oxymoron: Sure bet.
The wises open their minds, but a fool opens his mouth.
The world is a cynic's playground.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Oxymoron: Soviet Life.
Oxymoron: Spending Cuts.
I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.
Oxymoron: Split-level.
There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
There's more than one way to scan a cat.
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Too much month at the end of the money.
Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
What am I doing out of bed!?!?
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.

Oxymoron: Student teachers.

Oxymoron: Subsequent Initiatives.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
Oxymoron: Sugarless Candy.
There's my way, and then there's the easy way.
This is more exciting than Woody Allen on Valium.
This is your brain. Postscript on brain your is This.
Prosecutors will be violated
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
Self-made man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.
The cigarette does the smoking, YOU'RE just the sucker!!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Oxymoron: Respectable Lawyer.
Oxymoron: Restless Sleep.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum...
The days of the digital watch are numbered
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished
Anything will fit if you push hard enough
"Suicide Hotline"...please hold.
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment.
The hangman let us down.
Oxymoron: Sweet sorrow.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.

Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.

I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV
If I knew what I was doing...I'd be dangerous...

hypotheticalquestions
why do people order double quarter pounders and a diet coke?
how come super glue doesn't stick to the tube?
Why do they call it a hot water heater when it heats cold water?
Why do slow people always get off the elevator first?
How Deep would the ocean be without the sponges?
If life is a game then when's halftime?
If I were you, and you were me, how could it be that you were me?
Do old people read the Bible so much because they're studying for finals?
If all the world was apple pie and all the sea was ink,and all the trees were bread
and cheese, what would we have to drink?
Can you believe in love at first sight if you also get a second sight?
have you ever had chicken for lunch and chicken for dinner, and wondered if
those two chickens ever knew each other?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Did anyone ever forget how to ride a bike?
Why do they call it a tooth brush when you brush your TEETH with it? Was it
invented in Arkansas?
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Say a man has only one leg. When he buys shoes is it discrimination for the
store to make him buy two shoes?
Ever wonder how does the door close after the bus driver gets off?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
If facial hair is a masculine thing, then are Italian women men?

If time is money, and money is power, and power corrupts, does time corrupt?
If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan?
If a man who cannot count finds a 4-leaf clover, is he truly lucky?
If quiters never win and winners never quit, why is there the saying quit while
you're ahead?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
If vegetable oil is made out of vegetables and olive oil is made out of olives, then
what is baby oil made out of?
What would a chair look like if our legs bent the other way?
Have you ever realized that the Bible was written by the same people who
thought the earth was flat?
If a tree falls, and it makes a sound, is someone around to hear it?
How do you know if it tastes like chicken if you can't compare chicken to
anything?
Why do you call it a rush hour when nothing moves?
What do they call chinese food in China?
How come when people say they'll kick your butt, they kick everything but your
butt?
Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in packages
of 8?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
If practice makes perfect and no one is perfect, why practice?
How do you tell when you have run out of invisible ink?
In the Superman movies, whenever the bad guys shoot Superman, he stands up
and puffs out his chest and the bullets bounce right off him. Why then, when the
bad guys throw their gun at Superman, does he duck?
Ok, so Superman is invincible, and bullets don't stop him, but what is his suit
made of?? Wouldn't the suit be wrecked by the bullets??
Why do they call a building a building, if it's already been built?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they are out

walking around delivering the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS
here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a woman is flying in an airplane over the ocean and has a baby, what would
be the babies birth place?
Did Adam and eve have belly buttons?
If a dog barks in the woods and nobody is there to hear him, does he make any
sound?
If you could drive your car at the speed of light, and then turn your headlights on,
would you be able to see in front of you?
Do fish jump out of the water to commit suicide?
if a man is in the woods all alone and no women are around to here him speak is
he still wrong?
Do burn victims get discounts at creamatoriums?
is a shelless turtle homeless or naked?
Why are deliveries by ship called cargo and deliveries by car called shipments?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and toast always lands butter side down, what
happens if you put a piece of toast, butter side up, on a cat's back and drop it?
What happens if you are scared half to deat twice?
If we live in a "free" country, why does everything cost so much?
When money was invented, why was "paper" chosen as the form of currency?
What's wrong with "rock" or "scissors"?
Why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
Why are there lock on a store thats open 24 hours a day 7 days a week?
If God can do all things, can he NOT lift a rock?
If your answer is yes, you are denying the power of God.
If your answeris no, you are denying the power of God.
Think about it...
If today is tomorrow's yesterday, does that mean that we are living in the past? If
today is yesterday's tomorrow, does that mean that we are living in the future?
Do you ever wonder if fish feel wet?
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play
chess?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Who decided to make abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Is adult enterntainment destroying our children or is destroying our children
entertaining adults?
Who suggests the suggested retail price?
The speed of light is 300.000 km per second, but... what's the speed of dark?
If life is supposed to be one big joke, why don't I get it?
What did kids do on saturday mornings before there was cartoons?
If my friend becomes paralyzed, am I wrong to ask to borrow his bike?
Why is it that when you talk to God it's called "prayer," but when God talks to you
it's called "schizophrenia?"
A mirror reverses things from left to right. Why doesn't it reverse things from top
to bottom?

Why does everyone want to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die?

If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a
hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do if an endangered animal is eating an endangered plant?
What does your nose smell like?
If fish burgers are made of fish and chicken burgers are made of chicken, why
aren't hamburgers made of ham?
if pro means good and con is the opposite of pro, what is the opposite of
progress?
if you shot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If the world was in total darkness, would you be able to see?
Why do bananas grow up and all other fruits grow down?

********* What if there were no hypothetical questions ? ? ? ? *********