Its Ok to Be Happy

O
O
(_____)

By Ken Clifton

Its Ok to be Happy
2016 Ken Clifton
All Rights Reserved

Its Ok to be Happy

Table of Contents
Introduction
Lessons from Landmines
Empathy (Safe People)
In Love Vs Love
How Your Past Improves Your Future
Well Done Celebrate #Yourself
Stop Blaming and Demanding God and Act
Stop Blaming God, Pt 2 (my Story)
There are no excuses
Dont Chase. Dance.
Admit your Mistakes. Dont Invest in Them.
Forgive Yourself for Failure
Flight is a Good Thing from Harm
Are You Living What You Are For or Against?
Lines and Lies
FORGET NORMAL..be Extraordinary!
Follow Your Bliss
LIVE where you are
About Time Live Today
A Helper .. Gods Promise for Romance
The Meeting / Dating Process for Older Adults
Double Negative Fails
Dating realities
In Defense of Divorce

Life is an Adventure
Surprise Me - Living in Wonder
Good Happens
Real Ly Living
Consider Yourself And Being Happy
How People Destroy Their own Futures
Wise Dating and Relationship Steps
The Simplicity of Real
God made you to live
Praise for Communication
Love isthe choices we make (life illustrated)
Time Better Spent
Prayer Gambling or Courage and Responsibility
The Careless
A Healthy and Successful Divorce
Forgiveness and Future
God is not a Weapon or a Whipping Post
Happiness isnt Granted. Its Taken.
You Choose the Adventure
Happiness Is Possible (a testimony of love found)
Its Only Natural
Say the Words

Introduction

I have made mistakes. I have made a LOT

of mistakes. I do not write this book about
finding happiness from the perspective of
many in ministry or psychology that has
never made your mistakes or understand
your pain. I will not judge you for them or
make you feel like a failure or condemn you
as a sinner in the middle of your pain. I am
not going to present images of perfection
that makes you feel insuperior or
inadequate. No. I am gonna sayI made
mistakes and learned from them.learned
what I needed to know to get from mistakes
and pain to good choices and thinking that
led me to my own happiness.not just
because I met someone that fulfills what I
desire but that I found happiness in myself
and, then, could bring her happiness.
The following are blogs that I wrote over the
course of the last year (as I wrote
themunedited and not cleaned up for after
effects but RAW emotion and writing), as I
summarized what I learned at the start of the
year, the process of learning do date wisely

and effectively, and the mental growth

needed to find happiness for the future.
Some of what I say may not apply to you,
and that is ok. I am sure you have your own
learning lessons that you will discover, as
well. However, I do know that with the
multitude of mistakes and learning (from
selection of my ex to living with her to
following her and beyond), there are many,
many things for you to learn and not have to
experience the way I did to learn themand
that is the point of this book.
If you like what you see.go to my Tumblr
log at http://kenc111.tumblr.com/ where I
will be building the next portion of my
mental journey.relationship tips for a
successful relationship, such as the
differences between men and women, whose
side are you on, romance, and such.
To your happiness.

Lessons from Landmines

I wanted to start a text blog, where I could
expound on what I have learned about life
and deeper reflections. I dont believe
Facebook is a place for this.shoving your
views at those you barely know or alienating
the ones that you do, know. I like and use
the #twitter forum, but I wanted to escape
the 140 character limit and have a place for
my best thoughts. Thusthis #blog about
#lessons from #landmines and reflections on
#life.
Today, I wanted to focus on #dating and
#relationships. I have not dated that much
in the last 6 months, but that is because I
applied learning from my own lessons. I
think that, in general, if you are hurt by
someone or something one time, it is a
lesson. If you it is a second time, it is a
symptom. If it keeps happening, it is on
YOU that it happened. You have to learn
from the past to put it into practice, today.
For many years, I was in the #army in
#artillery. It was common practice that we
would setup in a location and take a shot,
based upon the best guess of what would hit

the target from what we knew about

distance, the powder, the round, etc. Then,
we would watch where it fell. From that, we
could adjust HOW we were shooting in
order to hit the target. So, you had to
LEARN from #failure in order to hit the
mark. However, many people dont do that.
Shoot, I didnt do that much for a long time,
either. After marrying someone that was
narcissistic and cold, I found myself in
similar situations for a long time, because I
was only focusing on how SHE was bad for
me but didnt take the time to determine
WHYwhat it was that I was looking for
and needing in someone.
After several years of dating many people, I
learned a lot about myself, dating, and
others. One thing that you need to
recognize, right away, is that someone can
be a great person but not right for you.or
you for them. It is not a failure for a bad
connection to fall apart but is a successful
test that resulted in a non-connection.
Imagine what would happen if you had
MARRIED that personbeen there, done
that. My daughter asked me one time why
there was so much divorce in the world.
After a few minutes of thinking and my own

personal experience, I told her that it was

that everyone is in a rush, today. They want
to get married and have what others have,
without taking the time to see if they
actually WORK with that person. Then,
when it naturally falls apart, they feel
trapped..and, if they leave, they feel and are
condemned for it. However, the people that
condemn you for that either do not have the
qualification of experience to judge you or
are doing so as they wish they could leave
themselves, often. Also, how long will you
know them.really? When you are 80, will
you have even known them or remember
them for years? You have to decide what
you need to be happy and pursue it. That is
why it is called #self resepect ( #selfrespect
).
And, yesI have dated from online and will
reference that. I have profiles out there,
though I am VERY picky and apply my own
lessons, well. To be honest, the craziest
ones that I have dated that hurt me the most
were met OFFLINE. So, I dont
automatically judge online. We are all just
people with a past that are trying to do the
best we can in the lives we have (that does
not always give us time or opportunities

offline). Indeed, dating someone that you

KNOW is a yellow flag, itself If it does not
work out, do you want that every day you go
to work or feel you need to find a new
church or whatever?
So, #redflags
1. If someone says that they are looking for
someone to marry or very quickly starts
talking long term, before they even know
you. This is an indication that they are not
actually interested in YOU but in being with
ANYONE. Aside from the personal insult
that that isit is an indication that they are
going to be looking for flaws in you, are
looking for what you can do for them
(instead of a mutual relationship), and they
are putting on a face to GET you. Give it
time. I learned that you have to give things
time to fail, before you start getting invested
in them. That does not mean do not try,
yourself. Flirt, have fun, enjoy your date
with them. However, keep a watchful eye
on them and wait.
2. Probably my own biggest red flag that I
admit comes from my past is one way
interest. My ex was very one waywhat I

could do for her with little interest or care as

to how it impacted me and even less interest
in me outside of how impacted her. It was
true of a couple thats I dated, after her, as
well. Some people do not love you. They
love themselves THROUGH you. As such,
I have started to test the situation and pay
attention. When I am interested in someone,
I talk, flirt, etc for a little bit. Then, I pull
back and watch. If I see nothing, it is dead,
then. What you see at the start of dating or
contact, when people normally put on their
BEST face is an indication of what you will
see, only magnified, as time goes. And,
maybe it is selfish to demand interest in my
life, but it is MY life, and I can demand the
same level of interest that I plan to give.
3. The third flag is closely related but
different to the last. That is
ATTRACTION. Go back to where I said,
earlier, that sometimes people are not bad
they are just different..a bad connection.
Some people are awesome as friends, but
that is as far as it goes. If they are not
turned on by you.physically, mentally,
emotionallyif they do not #desire you, it is
not relationship material but friendship
material. Friends are not bad, but it is not

the same. So, if there is no spice, and it does

not raise both of your pulses to hear from
them or see them or want to touch them
move on and find who DOES meet that
need.
4. No follow through / #actions.
I will make future posts center on a single
point. Today, that point is actions. My
experiences with thus one comes not from
my ex (she did not pretend to be interested)
but others I dated. Some that I dated or
flirted with back and forth were very
private persons, according to them, that
did not want to be public that we were
#dating. Uh huh.here is my experience
with that excuse. A few of them were in the
process of flirting with other guys on their
friends list (and broke up with me to date), a
few had an ex on their list they still liked
(and went back to while we dated), a few did
not want to offend their exs family with
someone new, and etc. You get the picture.
Whatever the reason, if they flirt but dont
act or date but wont let others know, wait
till you see movement on their part and only
invest emotionally to the degree that their

own investment is EVIDENT. #private

#secret #actions #hiding #interest #real
5. Be in the moment, not the past or the
future.
Todays lesson is relating to being IN THE
MOMENT. This is probably the most often
landmine, and I admit to being guilty of it,
as well as several that I dated.
Do you believe you are unique? Of course
you do. Everyone does, and everyone is
right. None of us are like anyone else, which
is one reason it is futile to judge others or
use stereotypes. So, knowing this, why does
it make sense to bring the past into current
dating or relationships? You have been hurt
in the past, but unless you are dating the
person that hurt you, again (which is stupid
and would be another pointppl dont
change), you cannot and should not blame
them for the actions of others, fear them to
be like the others, or try to make them like
the others.
The hard fact is thisget used to it. The past
is the past. Those in your past are in your
past. Say goodbye in your head, now. Those

in your present are unique new adventures.

Start fresh, enjoying the newness of it.
Also, do not force a future upon a present.
Romance is not a destination to get to but a
way of enjoying each day, because someone
shares it with you and enjoying each other.
Nowthe future will work or not on its
own, naturally, and it will be different than
you expect.which is good, because you
want happy surprises not control and fear.
So, let go of the past and the future and live,
today.

Empathy (Safe People)

I like (and can speak from experience on the
receiving end) this quote from Safe People,
by Cloud and Townsend
p. 44-45
If unsafe people are self centered, safe
people are relationship centered. And that
priority shows itself in the all-important
action of empathy.
A genuine connection is a mutual give and
take of caring that flows between
individuals. Both people bring their lives,
loves, joys, and sorrows into the
connection. Each brings her needs-yet has a
deep interest in the life of the other person.
In safe relationships, empathy is a large
part of the equation. We literally enter the
other persons head and atempt to
understand how he feels, what he believes,
and how he thinks. Empathy is walking in
the moccasins of another person, and not
juding him until we can see what suffering
hes been through to get to the point hes at.

Jesus taught about empathy, but in a

surprising way. In everything, do unto
others what you would have them do to you,
for this sums up the law and the prophets.
(Matt 7:12). This is a startling teaching,
because He did not condemn our needs as
selfish. Instead, he used them as a starting
point for teching how to love. In other
words, he was saying, You know how
terrible you feel sometimes? Thats also
how others feel. You know how being
loved and understood by another person
helps you deal with those feelings? Thats
also what helps others. Give them what you
are also needing.
if you want to know how safe someone
is, ask yourself: Is this person with me for
him - or for us? It is no sin to bring your
needs to the connection, but it is a sin to
exploit the relationship for your own ends
only.

In Love vs LOVE
After ..the high of the in love obsession,
the emotional need for love resurfaces
fundamental to our nature Five #Love
Languages
That was my problem in the past. I mistook
the high of in love as real feelings for me.
Then, when it evaporated, I was like WTF
The problem was it was emotions and not
convictions. Love is actions, based on
interest and empathy. Wait for that.

Envision you dreams happening. How

comes later.

How Your Past Improves Your Future

Do you feel despair, losing hope for your
future from a long series of failures? What if
I told you they were not failures?
You have heard the phrase, Fool me once,
shame on youfool me twice, shame on
me. Well, apply that, here. Yes, you have
been through a lot, but you SHOULD have
learned from it, and the next time it will be
differentmore precise. Henry Ford said,
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin
again, this time more intelligently. Indeed,
what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger,
as they say. It is like your body and a virus
or a poison. If you survived it, you will
identify and overcome it faster, should you
see it again.
Now, that does not mean you should seek
out the poison or virus. Albert Einstein said
that insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again and expecting different
results. However, if you DID learn from
the past, the future has MORE hope, due to
your past.

Thomas Edison said, have not failed. Ive

just found 10,000 ways that wont work.
The only way your past is a failure is if you
failed to learn.

Well done Celebrate #Yourself

How often do you congratulate yourself? To
often, society would have you hide your
success to not offend others but are quick to
notice your failures. No wonder everyone
has a poor self esteem. Today, take time to
celebrate what you have overcome, goals
reached, and what you like about yourself.

The reason it is called self respect is that

you dont have to check with anyone else,
first.

Stop Blaming and Demanding God and

Act
There is one popular myth among believers,
today, that frustrates me to no end. It us that
everything is happening, according to Gods
plan. So, I will give a few notes as to why
that is obviously false.
1. 11 of the apostles were killed, Stephen
was stoned, and many other examples in the
Foxs book of martyrs, published in the
1500s (one of the best selling books of the
time).
2. Scripture, itself, is an account of things
not happening as God desiredin every
book. Indeed, man fell into sin, and Jesus
had to DIE as a result.
3. It is a chief lie of the devil that all things
are according to Gods plan, because, if you
believe that, he can attack you, and you will
blame God.
4. You, yourself, claim to have free choice,
saying you fail. You cannot claim that you
have free will but say all others are Gods
puppets.

When you stop blaiming and demanding

God for your life, you will take personal
responsibility and act to respond to
it.which God may just be waiting for you
to do.

Stop Blaming God pt 2 - My Story

I thought I would follow up the last post of
my own experience.
My life has been a continuous story of
struggle and poverty, from the start with
pockets of success. I have noticed and
learned a few things, along the way.
1. Almost all.if not allof the successes
that I have had can be tied NOT to sitting
around and waiting on God but acting. I
have a job as an accountant, which is not a
result of someone handing me something but
my vision and years of
preparationfinishing a degree, while I was
taking care of my child, since my ex was
unemployed and unable from her post
partum conditionliving on student loans
and hopeand going on to get my MBA.
Next, I am able to run 5k 3 times a week,
now. Why? Because I had a vision
(desirenot a mental vision) and kept
working towards it. I, now, have more time
with my kids (see next point, also). Did that
come from sitting and waiting? No. Nothing
happened till I fought back, legally. Indeed,
EVERY award I have achieved (high school

awards, college awards, positions, writing

books, etc) was a result of ACTING.
2. Meanwhile, the times I did just sit back
and wait on God, things failed. There was a
period, where I was doing faith school
training, Bible degree courses, listening to
Christian music, exclusively, etc and in that
time declared backruptcy, married my ex to
be treated horribly by her taking advantage
of my sacrificing, and getting worse and
worse off.
I have never experienced acting without
success, and I have never experienced
waiting without action with results. Make of
thar what you will.

There are no excuses

Excuse what does that word mean? It
means a reason why a behavior (or lack
thereof) that would normally be wrong is
supposed to be ok.
Well, let me consider that in my life. I have
endured, over time, backruptcy, sickness of
family and self, over a decade of an
unsupportive ex, divorce, death, and
more.but I have hope. I drink, but I am
not depressed, hitting anyone, or without
initiative. Speaking of initiative, I finished
my degree on financial aid, when my ex was
not working, while I cared for my children.
When my ex chose to take the kids out of
state, I bought my daughter q device, so we
could Skype daily. And, even tho I am not
young, I am in the best shape of my life (and
better than most young), running over 3
miles 3 times a week.
There are no excuses, only surrender. If you
want something, go get it.

My Frankenstein theory of romance: Make

peace with the corpses of past failures,
gather the fragments of your soul left
behind, add the spark of hope from above,
and rise anew.

Dont Chase. Dance

I dont chase anyone. Its not a race. Its a
dance. I USED to chase. Thsee was a time
that I would start dating someone, and, when
they started pulling back, I would go into
savior mode. I had to save it, even if we had
only been dating a short time. This went
back, I am sure, to my ex and her one way
form of relationship, where I did all the
chasing and romance. I have, actually, heard
women say it is not their responsibility to
chase but only to be chased. Well, as a guy
that has has to be in that form of relationship
and live emotionally starved, let me
say.good luck with that. No one likes to
be used, even men.
Now, there are valid reasons for not chasing.
If you do not feel attraction, do not lead the
other on. If you are dating others, or you see
a red flag, hold off. I, myself, hold off, when
I see a red flagfrom personal experience
of ignoring them..and my biggest red flag is
when they do not initiate, seek me, or show
interest in myself or my life. This is selfish,
but it is MY life I am talking about. I can be
selfish about myself.

Indeed, the first thing you need to do is

analyze yourself, before you date anyone.
Askwhat do I need to be happy. Everyone
is different. You may not crave intimacy and
closeness like I do and would not require it.
However, base your decision to date
someone on IF they can make you happy
So, as relates to me for example, I do not
chase. I have done one way and will not
return. It does not matter if they are
intentionally selfish (as some are) or are shy
or have a low self esteem. If they cannot
provide what I need, it is best to not begin.
As relates to low self esteem.I have dated
that and have seen how tiring it gets to
validate someone, all the time Many are
creating their own self fulfilling prophecies
of fear, sayjng no one can be good enough
for them, so they stay walled up and
negative. Then, when it fails, they are
likesee? Uh, no. It failed because you
were walled up and negative and who wants
to be around that?
Romance is not a race. It is not about being
chased to build your ego. It is about getting
lost in enjoying each other. Wait for that. I
will.

Admit Your Mistakes dont invest in

them
It is a common problem, that I used to fall
victim to. Tell me if this sounds familiar.
You start down a path, whether it be dating
or whatever. Then, quickly, you realize it
was a mistake. However, you feel obligation
to go further down that path. For one, you
are not wanting to admit wrong, and you
feel that to change is to let others down,
even if those others are hurting you.
However, consider this. You are you. You
are spectacular, but you are spectacularly
unique. Not everyone can appreciate that,
nor complement that. You do not fit,
everywhere. As such if you go down the
path not right for you, you will find others
trying to change you, rather than love you,
as you are.
Listen to this..it is not THEIR fault. It is
YOUR fault for not being true to who you
are and telling them no.for trying to be
who you are not and expect in them to be
who they are not. Then comes resentment
and anger of the square peg, toward the
round hole.when it is no one at fault for

being who they are but both at fault for

trying to control others, rather than admit
what everybody knows and part in peace to
find the truth. You should not be wrestling
with forgiving them for being them but with
yourself for expecting anything else. Accept
that they are that they are, you are that you
are, and if you cannot satisfy each other,
close the door and move on, while you have
the time to salvage your happiness that they
do not care about.
Forward.

Forgive Yourself for Failure

For the last week, I have been engaging in
one of the most difficult mental journeys
you can take. I decided to re-visit past
dating and relationship failures in my
mind, gather the good, learn from the bad,
and silence their effect on my present and
future.
I can tell you that this is not an easy task. I
had not realized how much I had avoided
thinking about thiskeep my mind and self
busy, rather than face the demons that are
associated. However, as difficult as it has
been, I realized many different things, that I
wanted to share to help others that may be
feeling the same kind of thing.
The first thing that I realized was that while
I do not desire any of them, and they likely
do not think of me..the ghosts of past
failures were more damaging than the
events, themselves. How stupid is that? To
let those that could not appreciate you or did
harm to you have the power to control you,
thereafter? Thus, this is WHY I felt it
important to deal with these ghosts, head on,
and reach peace.

The reason that I keep putting failures in

quotes is that they are not failuresdespite
my head TELLING me that they are. As I
started to evaluate all those that I had dated
or had a relationship with.the sense of
failure began to rise up in me. The inner
demon saying, LOOK.look how often
you tried and failed. Something must be
wrong with YOU. Many of those are with
other people, now, and you are still alone."
However, then, I began evaluating them, one
by one, and the sequence of events. I will
not recount the events, but I will recount
what I LEARNED in looking at them.
1. First of all, they were not failures. They
were successes in showing someone to be
inadequate to myself or my needs. They
were successful tests in determining
incompatibility.
2. However, lesson learned, I failed in
recognizing that inadequancy, or I just
ignored the warning signs. This happened a
lot. Early after the divorce, I was interested
in just having SOMEONE that I didnt ask
what it was that I was looking for and IF that
person had those qualities. They showed
some beginning interest, and I went with

that. Then, when the hormones faded or

newness wore off, we were left with little
connection. This resulted in one of two
directionsone, hyping the HORMONES
and going physical to fuel it or two, savior
mode to maintain what was naturally
ending. Hormones grow hollow and leave
you feeling unappreciated, and savior mode
makes you feel like a victim. However,
BOTH are an attempt to hold on to what
needed to die. I accept, now, that they
needed to die. That was the natural course
of events with someone that was a poor
connection. What I SHOULD have done,
and did start doing as time went on, was
recognize the poor compatibility SOONER,
before getting emotionally invested.
3. However, the biggest lesson I realized in
looking over this was that I was not mad at
THEM for hurting me. I was mad at ME for
hurting me. I was mad at MYSELF for
putting myself out there and exposing
myself to risk, which is why, as time went
on, I developed a thick skin and high
walls.keeping everyone at an arms
length. It wasnt that I feared someone may
hurt me. It was that I still had not forgiven
myself for trying and "failing (which is not

a failure) and getting hurt in the past. I can

forgive others, all day long, but, if I do not
forgive myself for failing, the wounds will
remain, the walls will stay high, and the
power of the past to affect the present and
future remains.
So, I forgive myself. I was not wrong for
trying. Trying is a sign of a heart that is still
alive and still hopes. I was not wrong for
feeling. Perhaps, I was feeling things that I
should NOT have at that point (which is
another lessonsee things for how they
ARE, not how you want them to be), but I
would rather feel joy and pain than nothing.
Nothing means you are already dead. I was
not inadequate, just because I was
inadequate for them and them for me. I am
amazing. They may have been, as wellto
be positive about those that caused pain in
the end. However, we were not amazing,
together. And, that is the lesson. The
square hole cannot be upset at the round peg
for being a round peg. You cannot and
should not PRAY to make them a square
peg. Better, you should pray to see them, as
they are, and move on to the correct fit for
yourself.

Yes, I failed to find my fit, but I forgive

myself for the journey. It is not a failure. It
is life. I accept how amazing I am. I
recognize the past as examples of inadequate
attempts. I forgive them and pray they find
their own fit, as I bury the past and step
forward into the future.risk and all.to be
myself and find my fit. God go with me.

The #future is not determined by what

others think but what you do. #act #beyou
#believe

Flight is a good thing from harm

This week, I have been focusing on being
positive, refusing to give the negative a
foothold. It was a part of my putting to rest
the past. The more I explore and apply it, the
more I see how it has impacted me and
things I need to change.
The Bible says not to entertain a food,
according to their folly. However, this is a
challenge for a person, like myself, that
believes in justice. I feel the need to point
out the wrong they did to me. Yet, I have
seen over years that this only harms yourself
and has no impact on them. Often times,
they are just being themselves and see no
wrong. So, what are you bothered with
them, thenthat they are being themselves
and hurting you or with yourself for
believing they will change. They wont.
People do not change, often. If you are not
seeing their words in actions, it is not real.
The longer experience you have to see how
they act, the less their words meanor even
acts they do to get out of trouble, before they
return.

My point in this is that sometimes, you

needs to recognize they will not change and
choose flight over fight.
This is referring to the long known concept
that when people are faced with a crisis or
conflict, the animal instinct is to fight it or
fly from it. Now, the justice person in me
wants to fight..(fight against something or
fight for something). However, what I have
learned is that you empower what you fight.
You give credence to their argument and
continue to let them influence your days.
This is nor saying it is always someone or
something evil. It is more going back to how
they ARE and will be.
Flight is a legit and valid response to
harmful situation or individual. Abuse
victims need to leave the abuser, drug
victims need to leave the drugs, etc. So,
check what you are fighting and determine if
it is for a valid reason you are even present
or if it is time to just dismiss their
destructive influence, allow them to
continue being as they are somewhere else,
and found your future on peace.

Are You Living What You Are For or

Against?
Scroll through any social media feed, watch
the news, go to church, and yiu will see one
constant. People love to spend a lot of time
talking about what they are against. I say
they, but, until recently, I was among them.
But, can you answer one thing without going
negative? Who are you? Or, what are you
for? Not only is it unfair to your present to
let past negatives affect you (put them to
rest..see prior posts), but it is unfair to you
and the world around you to define yourself
by what you are against.
We have no shortage of people that will tell
you what is wrong, as if that is their God
appointed task. Indeed, churches love to
point out what is sin, but can they recognize
pain? Jesus spent His time on Earth going
around NOT teaching the law and sin but
healing the hurting.
Consider this. Two kids start dating. They
are not a good match. It ends. One or both is
hurting.who sinned? Neither. A spouse
loses her husband or husband his wife or
children their father or parents their child.

Who sinned? No one. The list goes onthe

homeless, those in car accidents, the sick,
etc. There are MANY hurting out there.
They do not need a lesson on what sins they
have. They do not need a blame. They dont
expect a cure. They only want a heart to
listen and feel and support as they start
anew.
In all of our lives, we have things that went
wrong. Sometimes, others are the cause.
Sometimes, we are the cause. Sometimes,
there is no simple cause. However, it does
no good to reflect on what could have been
or in our minds should have been. It wasnt
and isnt. If you let your wounds and anger
dominate, it will steal your joy, and your
life. Let go of the past. Release the wrong
doers (including yourself), not because they
are innocent (and I did not say forgive them
but release them) but as a gift to yourself. Be
free. Find you. Love you. Be you. Live
forward.

Lines and lies

I was recently talking with someone that
told me something their significant other
told them, and I recognized it, immediately,
as a common line. Whether it was in this
case, I do not knowand told her such. Just
a sign to watch out.
However, it inspired me to post a little
dating definition list, gathered over time.
Personally, I would rather people be honest,
as it is easier to close doors, but here we
go
I do not have time to date - means, I do not
want to date you. People always have time
for what is important to them. What they are
saying is that you do not rank high enough
as a priority in their lives, which is all by
itself a red flag that you should not be with
them. Imagine if you started dating someone
like that and had to beg for attention.
I am just starting to date - heard on dating
sites. It means they are more interested in
faceless and nameless somebody else than
you. You do not ring their bell. This is not a
bad thing. Not everyone is right for each

other. Let them go and move on. It is not

personal against you. They sampled and did
not bite. They want a different type. It could
also mean they are interested in someone
elsepossibly from even before you.
Regardless, it is over.
My ex.. etc. If they spend a lot of time
talking about their ex, it means one of a few
things. Either they still want their ex and
want to substitute you for them, or they are
still hurting from their ex and are dating you
as an anti-ex. Date someone that is
interested in you for who you are, not who
you are not.
I am not interested in drama - everyone has
drama. What they mean is that THEIR life
has a lot of drama and cannot handle more.
Consider if you want their drama.
I am a very private person and do not share
my life online - this CAN be true, but rarely
I have seen it to be. They post every aspect
of their life down to what they eat, what
their pet it doing, and what their inner
thoughts arebut not a person they like.
Now, if this is early, ok. See what they are

really saying is.I do not want to tell others

about you. If you JUST started dating, they
may not want to look like a fool. However,
in my experience, a few times, if they
continue the silence, it is because there is
some guy (or girl for you girls) that they do
not want to know about you. So, if this
continues, exit.
Pretty/hot - this is a balance, but, if the main
source of interest in you is how you look, it
means their hormones are driving, and they
want sex. As flattering as that is, it will not
sustain a relationship. Now, the reverse is
also a fail. There must be attraction, or it is
just a friendship. However, look for
questions and interest in your life and you,
specifically. There is a difference between
someone being interested in you and being
interested in what they can do for you. It is a
part of my dating process, after some time,
to wait and watch for signs of initiative and
interest. If I do not see it, it is over for me.
Gotta be two way. You are worth someone
that finds you amazing, as you are. Sexy,
alone, is not enough, and I have walked
away from some really attractive girlsbut,
I have noticed it is often the case that the
more attractive the girl, the more self

centered.and I bet it is true of men for the

girls out there.
I really want to find the right one and get
married - shocked that I would say this as a
warning? I would not say this is a lie. It is
more of a line. What they are saying is
this. I have this image of a family in my
head that I want (or even the marriage they
lost in divorce), and I want someone.
anyone to give that to me, so I am trying
to see if you will give that to me. In other
words, they are not actually interested in
YOU or finding someone that they could
love and support it is all about them. Once
you gave it to them, interest in you dies.
As I said at the start, this is not ALWAYS
the case. Exceptions can be true. But, they
are a sign to watch out and find out, before
you let it progress.

FORGET NORMAL..be Extraordinary!

I think I think one of peoples mistakes
(myself included till recently) is the
veneration of normal (as if it is working so
well in society) or replacement of the past
(as if it worked in the pastthat is why it is
past). What is more important, fitting
proscribed society definitions or being
happy? Forget what society wants for
youthey will certainly forget you. Forget
checking a box or fitting a model. Just be
happy and piss them all off.

There is a difference between someone

interested in you and someone interested in
what you can do for them.

Follow Your Bliss

In the last few days, several different threads
of thinking in my mind have kinda
converged into a very peaceful state of
mind, and I wanted to put them together into
one blog post, as they are connected. As it
turns out, it is not an original way of
thinking. The phrase follow your bliss has
repeated itself in my mind over the past
several weeks.not the words of God but, I
think, my subconsciousness, that pulled that
phrase from having heard it, recognizing the
thought pattern in my head.
Basically, for the last several weeks, I have
been focusing more on the positive than the
negativemore on where I wanted to go,
than what I wanted to escapemore on
what I wanted than on what I didntmore
on the future and less on the past. I didnt
feel it was fair to let those that mistreated
me have power over my present or situations
where I just didnt work with someone from
where I do. Indeed, also connected with all
of this is my shift in the last two months
from what I call Facebook thinking (high
walls of security and association with those
that judge you and do not share your views)

to a Twitter mentality (following your

interests and associating with those that
share them).
Further, I believe that God wants us to be
happy. He has said in Scripture that we
should eat, drink, and enjoy the good of all
(our) labor (Ecc. 3:13), that this was the
will and gift of God. Jesus said that the
enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but
HE comes that we have life abundantly
(John 10:10). He told us to pray for what
we want that your joy may be full (John
16:24) Indeed, the reason that HE suffered
for us is that we should not suffer. He said
he came to heal the brokenhearted, to
preach deliverance to the captives, and
recovery of sight to the blind, to set at
liberty those that are bruised (Luke 4:18)
But, we shouldnt need a Scripture lesson on
this. It is common sense, as I have been
thinking the last few weeks. If someone
abuses you, dont be around them. If
someone ignores you, stop waiting on
them. Be around those that appreciate your
interests and your personality and think that
is cool, not those that judge, attack, or
control you.

Further, why should we direct our lives to

try to replace patterns of the past, when the
past is the past for a reason.it did not
work. Also, why should we try to be
normal or approvable by society and
others, when normal is not doing that great
in society and others lead different lives
fhan us. It is like trying to use the
instruction manual for a toaster to tell us
how to run a microwave. The instruction
book for someone elses lives will not work
on ours, just as we should not judge others
whose personality and lives differ from our
own. Why try to be normal when we are
extraordinary.ratherbe extraordinary
and attract those that agree and drive away
those that would not accept us, anyway.
However, as it turns out, this is not an
original concept, entirely, as I said. In the
back of my mind, I was thinking (having
heard it), follow your bliss, which it seems
was written by Joseph Campbell. Here is
what he said
Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for

you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and dont be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didnt know they were going to
be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldnt have
opened for anyone else.
Exactly. stop paying attention to who
does not appreciate you or judges you or
controls you. Stop focusing on what is
wrong. Stop trying to fit a broken society
model or satisfy those that will forget you
when you fall down (Them by PFR) Start
doing what you want to do among those that
like that. Also, dont try to make THEM out
to be all thingsNo one person will be all
things to you. So, enjoy each person for
what they are to you, explore each passion
you have and fuel what makes you happy,
not what makes you sad. Find your smile.
Follow your bliss. The rest will turn out the

best it could turn out, so stop trying to

control your life and let your very soul lead
you where you should be. You may not get
what you thought you should have, but you
will be happier getting to the best you
COULD have.
:)

Do what makes you #happy Be around who

makes you #smile. Its not rocket science.

LIVE where you are

So, this morning, I was walking to work past
some homeless people, waiting outside a
church, and I wondered .. what must their
life be like? They would not have my pay,
but they would not have my work stress.
They would not have my house, but they
would not have my repairs or payments for
it.
Now, I am not saying my life is not better
than theirs is in several ways. What I am
saying is that we are all on a path, going to
somewhere. There are challenges, but.if
we wait to GET there, we will never live.
Better to live where you are.

Saying no is the fastest way to determine if

someone supports you, or themselves.

What Our Wounds Say About Us

The commonly accepted belief out in the
dating world is that one must be healed
from the wounds that we suffered from past
dating experiences and relationships. I
believed that, myself, for a long, long time.
However, I do not believe that, now. Listen
to my thoughts on it, and I would bet that
you wont believe that either.
Think back to the emotional wounds you
suffered. Now, ask yourself this. Whatever
area it was in which you were betrayed
was that a NEW area or something unique to
that person? Or, was it an area that you
always wanted and thought they would
provide it? At least in my case, the intimacy
and closeness and empathy and care that I
wanted from them preceeded them by a
LONG time. It goes back to not just my
childhood but my very core of being. That is
my point. By being told to get over what
we lacked from them, we are being told to
get over being ourselves. What we lacked
and were offended by is nothing to another
person, because we are all different and need
different things to be happy, as defined by
our very genes.

So, dont get over your past or wounds.

Remember it, learn from it, and use it to
guide you to happiness.

Inaction breeds depression.

About Time .. LIVE Today

Time is slipping away. Act to live it, today.
That is the short of this message. My
church, Lifechurch, has a series each
summer, where they play current movies
and talk about the themes in the movie in
relation to our lives. They make up the
lobbies of the church to look like different
movies, and it is a really popular message
series to bring people in.
Todays movie they focused on was About
Time with Rachael McAdams. I like the
movie clips they provided, and I want to see
the complete movie. The message was
pretty good, too. However, I feel that it is
incomplete for many of the hurting out
there. So, I thought I would retell it in such
a way as to present the messages in a real
way to help those in need.
The story of the movie is about a guy that
learns on his 21st birthday that he is born of
a family line, where the men of the family
can move back in time to any period of their
own life to change their lives for the better.

The message that the pastor used for focus

was that our lives are brief and to learn to
live each day. This came from the advice
the guy received from his father to relieve
each day without the worries or concerns of
the day that they had the FIRST time but to
learn to look for the joys and happiness and
ways to live each day to its fullest.
This was the focusLIVE each day. This
was where the pastor diverted from the
movie and said that because life is short, you
should overlook the small things and find
forgiveness with those that you wronged to
live happy and in peace.
I appreciate that teaching, and it is a good
idealalbeit a little impractical in real life,
often. I dont blame the pastor for not
seeing the TRUEST and most beneficial
application of this film and for his
potentially destructive advice. To be real.
if all you have known your whole life is
good romances and relationships and have to
been exposed to abusive or narcissistic
people or drugs or illness or death or etc.
you would see the world from your own
perspective. What is damaging is when
those that have those perfect lives start

thinking their lives are the definition of

happiness and cure for others, without
taking the time to understand their
situations.
For example, consider a woman that has
been living in the house with an abusive
man.or man subject to the physical or
emotional abuse of a woman. They get
away from the abuse, and they go to the
church. There, they are faced with a pastor
that tells them in no unclear words that their
problem is that they are divorced and that, to
LIVE their lives, they need to return to the
house of the abuser. Now, when that
woman goes and does that, THAT PASTOR
IS, NOW, THE ACCOPLICE FOR ALL
FUTURE ABUSE OR DEATH OF THE
SPOUSE RETURNING.
This is true of those coming out of houses of
abuse or drugs or bad jobs or whatever. Our
churches have this very conservative
viewpoint that tries to push their own lives
as the model for all of society, even if they
know nothing about the lives or pain of
those they are judging or the situations they
are encouraging. Further, they push their
moral code to decide which LOVE is

acceptable, and which is not.but that I will

leave for other messages.
But, on point, the core of this message is
VERY good advice. Yes. Time IS slipping
away, and time is nonstop. We DO need to
be reminded that time is passing away and
LIVE and LOVE and enjoy each
dayfollowing our bliss..what makes us
happy. And, we do spend too much of our
lives worried about what people think about
us or work or whatever and forgetting to
LIVE each day. Take the
opportunitiesrisks and all. They will be
happiness or lessons.
HOWEVER, IF you find yourself in a toxic
situation that is killing your soul, spirit, or
body.today is the day to LEAVE it, to
starting LIVING each day
I am 4 years divorced, and for 4 years, I kept
being faced with my ex taking every
opportunity to control me or harm my life or
provoke me.so, even though I escaped the
situation, I continued to allow the situation
to control me. The last 6 months have been
progressive steps to fix that. First, I hired a
lawyer to fight for me for my rights, rather

than be subject to her control. Then, I went

through my past and put it to restnot just
her but all past relationship and dating
failures..closed the door on them.
Released them.that does not mean
FORGIVE them, as you cannot forgive
someone that is unrepentantand, God does
not forgive the unrepentant, either. You
simply say, they are as they are and end
expectation of change. The final step, which
I have started in the last few weeks is to end
communication. For two weeks, until this
message, I have not spoke about her or two
herwith the exception of one text she send
to try to provoke me, again. Very shortly, I
will be blocking her number from my
phone.
The point istoday is the day to LIVE.
You need to look at your life and say, what
can I do to live carefree and happy and at
peace, and very oftenthat is not what
you need to add but what you need to
subtractNot what you need to do but not
do It is time to end being unhappy and
depressed, feeling you just have to take it
and start living happy and free. The
transition will not always be easy, but it will
be progressively happier. Even if I never

find the romance I desire, I will forever be

happy and free. Leaving was the best
decision I could ever have made for myself,
and God has been with me and guiding me,
every step of my pathand even today.I
was in worship and felt God very clearly
telling me, Do not surrender what you
desire. Do not settle. Continue to hope and
believe it is for you. It will happen." So, I
say the same to you. You are not destined
for abuse or control. You dont have to
sacrifice yourself for the happiness of
others. God does NOT want you an abuse
victim but wants you freeHe DIED for
your freedom and asked you to pray for your
happiness. Trust the heart of God. Follow
your bliss. Follow love. Walk away from
those that detract from both. Be happy.
Live, today.

If someone has not earned your respect, do

not give them your stress.

A Helper - Gods Purpose for Romance

I shy away from words likepurpose.
Honestly, I think the book a Purpose Driven
Life has done more damage in the church
than good, as it presumes that all of life is
under Gods control to work toward
satisfying our own selfish gain. The obvious
flaw in that is that in order for that to be
true, God must be in control of all of US to
bring it aboutno free will and, therefore,
no sin, as we are all working under His
plan. However, the reverse is the more true.
God gave us free will and in doing so
allowed all of us to choose to hurt each
other, and, therefore, we can all be HURT
by others (or sickness or whatever)
OUTSIDE of the will of God. Indeed, the
son of the author of the Purpose Driven Life
took his own life, which I am assuming was
NOT the actions of a controlling God. This
is not a flaw of Gods theology. It is misreading of His followers and mis-application
of His words outside His Heart.
That said, there are a few times that God is
direct about WHY He created certain things,
and one example of this is romance and
relationships.

Go all the way back to the FIRST

relationship..Adam and Eve. Why did God
create another human being for Adam?
And the Lord God said, It is not good that
man should be alone; I will make him an
help meet for him." Genesis 2:18
God had just spent a chapter sayingthis
was good and that was good and the ONE
THING that he saw that was wrong with His
creation is that man was ALONE. He
created another person for Him. Now, I am
saying..person. I am not saying woman.
The word man in Hebrew is the word for
human. It is also, curiously, similar to the
word for DIRTbut I digress. He was
saying that it was not good for any
humanman or woman.to be alone.
And, they needed a HELP that was MEET.
Meet in KJV means fit. So, someone that
fits us that was there to HELP us. The
purpose of relationship was to help each
other.
This is later confirmed in ecclesiastes
"Two are better than one; because they have
a good reward for their labor. For if they
fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe
to him that is alone when he falleth; for he

hath not another to help him up. (ecc 4:910).

The purpose of relationship is helping. It is
not to have a spouse to show others, to have
sex, to have things, to have an image, and it
is CERTAINLY not to have someone to buy
things for you. It is to HELP. Many are in
relationships or marriages that do not
have this necessary element. I knowI was
in a marriage for over a decade with
someone that did not seek to help me with
anythingwas not even interested in what I
needed, only what she did. Well, that is not
a HELP and is not love. Now, I am
determined to find my help that is meet (fit)
for what I need and who I am, as a purpose.
Interpret and apply this teaching, however it
fits you. Perhaps it is a reminder to help
your spouse or show empathy and support in
them. Or, apply it to the relationship of
friendship, which also requires this element.
However, this is what Gods PURPOSE was
for mankindhelping.

When good things happen, just smile and

enjoy it. What has happened with others or
what may happen, here, has not bearing on
the good of the moment.

The Meeting / Dating Process for Older

Adults
This is a serious blog about the process of
dating in older America..no, I do not
mean elderly. However, anyone that has
reached mid-life realizes that they are not in
Kansas anymore, when it comes to dating. I
had this discussion with my daughter, one
day, about how marriage is not as big of
goal for my generation than younger ones.
It would be nice, but there is no drive to get
married to have kids, older, as you, likely,
already have kids, and a job, and bills,
andsee where I am going with this? The
very daily process and maturity level is very
different for my generation, vs hers. It took
me like a year or more to get this, after
divorce. You get divorced, and you are
likeok, go back to where I used to be.
Uh.. no you cant do that. Your life is not
that way. The lives of those you would date
is not that way. It has to be approached
differently.
I find it funny (and offensive, to be honest),
when younger people will look at your life
and your choices and feel it necessary to
give you advice, because. of course.

they know what it is like to live with exs,

bills, kids responsbility, etcright? What
they dont understand is that you are not
broken. Your world WAS, and you are
fixing it. By looking for romance and
solutions, you are in the process of
HEALING your life. I think most people
that divorced, for example, are divorced
because their life was bad in that
MARRIAGE, and healing is not restoration
of that abuse of self or trust but freedom
from it. They are not a victim but have the
courage to believe for more, whichin this
world, is a bloody miracle.
But, on to meeting / dating. I put the word
dating on there, but it is not entirely the
picture, as it was as a kid. Here are some
realities for the older adults.
1. Do not shy away from online
connections. Yes, there is a stigma.
However, this goes to the realities I am
talking about. Most people our age have
jobs to do, kids to raise, homes to clean, and
try to make time for exercise and fun
activities for ourselves. If you talk to
younger friends, they are like.just meet
someone offline and go from there. Uh

huhand when is someone supposed to

have time to meet someone? Even at
church, you are bringing kids in, shuffling
them around, and I dont knowmaybe
WORSHIP, which is why I even
go.connection to God. There is less
sequential time to just sit and talk to anyone,
all in one setting. That has passed from
youth. No longer exists. So, do online but
have caution.
2. Remember that EVERYONE has a past
by our age, and it was not romantically
goodor they would be married, now.
Hopefully, they are able to let that go and
look forward, but you are not going to be
able to know that til you try, nor will they.
3. Watch out for red flags. If someone talks
often and positively of their ex, they
probably are not over them. On that line, if
they are recently separated or broken up, be
aware they may be putting on a brave face
for you (or even to themselves) but could
bolt at any moment. If they talk about their
bills and desire to be with their kids, it could
be they are looking for a paycheck, not a
romance. If they are physical, quick,
without even knowing you, they may just

want to get laid. If they mention having

many relationships, pause to figure out
why.
4. Remember that they are probably talking
to others. One would hope that this ends
when you, actually, decide to go OUT,
though. Over the years, I have known many
that continue to talk to others, even as they
date you, and some have left for them. This
is, again, a difference of mentality that has
to happen. When you are LOOKING, you
need to have a broader net, primarily
because you dont know whether they will
conclude you are more awesome than
anyone else that they are talking toand
dont get emotionally attached or invested,
until you know they are, also. However, I
would hope that once you decide to go
OUT, it limits to just one. I dont think you
can fully commit to an option, when your
mind is somewhere else, and that is not fair
to them, nor will you see how great it could
be if you were all in, as well. Further, if
they are with you but considering others, i
think it is at least a CAUTION flag that they
could do this when you are a couple and is,
therefore, at least, a caution for the potential
for cheating.

5. All that said, I will conclude with

thisdo it, go forward, talk to them, try,
etc. It may not go well for you, but what is
your other choiceyou miss all the shots
you do not take. So many people (myself
included younger and at times, now) will sit
back and say nothing to the person they like
and just hope that the universe will bring
you, together. Then, when they assume
correctly that you are just a friend (that is
the fact at that point) or assume you are not
interested, due to a lack of visible
INTEREST in them, they go on to others.
Then, they get pissed that God or fate is not
making it happen. NoYOU are not
making it happen, and you are the only
blame. Start talking to others. They may
not choose you, and hope deferred maketh a
heart sick, as the Bible says.or, in
common speak, hope opens the door to
despair. However, it is only despair if you
make universal statements. that it
ALWAYS happens or ALWAYS will or
that it is a fault in YOU. It is NOTHING
wrong with you, and it is not a failure. In
science, when something does not work, it
meansgo on to what doesdo not sit and
lament the chemicals that did NOT react.
Try again.

Do not look for who is not your past. Look

for who is your future.

Double negative fails

Not opposed does not equal support.
Not disinterested does not equal interest.
Not angry or sad does not equal happy.
Not giving up does not equal trying.
Not asleep does not equal awake.
Not dead does not equal alive.
You cannot live passively. It is an action
verb. Go do it.

Attraction is attractive. Passion is

pleasurable. Kissing is where souls unite.
Physical beings love would include a
physical foundation.

Dating realities
- Hope for what you want, but believe what
you see.
-Never limit your options for someone you
just met. They must earn exclusivity by
interest and action.
-Trying does not accept the past as
indicative of the future. Trying learns from
the past and changes for a better future.
-Believe in and love yourself, and wait for
someone that agrees.
-There is no rush. If you are rushing, you are
scared, and scared people make stupid
choices.
-Be happy. While your happiness is not
based in others, if an option is failing at
adding to that, they are failingperiod. In
the end, that is really all that mattersnot
sex, not activities, not status, not intetests,
not lookshappiness.

In my life, I have both heard love and seen

it. The former does not matter without the
latter, and the latter does not need the
former.

In Defense of Divorce
Oktime to piss off a lot of people, but this
is a blog of things I have been wanting to
say for a while, where people just dont get
it. I saw a post in a divorced fathers group
that inspired me to write.
I will start by sayingI get it. If all you
have known is good and loving
relationships, you probably cannot
understand what it is like to go through a
bad marriage or the pain it takes to choose
divorce. No one wanted divorce, when they
chose to get married. Also, I will concede
that there are some that do treat marriage
and divorce lightly. It is not something you
choose from a had day or a fight but
something chose from not seeing the
potential of good.
However, for many, it is not a matter of a
good thing that ended in bad divorce. It was
a bad marriage that ended in good freedom.
For a moment, consider being in a
relationship with someone that was
controlling or abusive. Love is a verb, and
many just.doesnt.

And, then, there is the claim it is not

Christian. I think many divorced have
struggled through this, themselves. Indeed, I
have a Bible degree from a school that does
not condone divorce. However, as I prayed
while married and suffering, I felt God
leading me to it and has been there through
it. But, it makes sense. God is love. Would
he require someone to be in the midst of
hate to be married to it? When God
instituted the first relationship, it was so that
man (kind) would have a helper. He also
said two are better than one, as the other
could pick you up. But, what if the other is
not picking you up or helping? What if they
are pushing you down? Another aspect of
the Bible and divorce is multiple marriages.
How is this related? Well, for most of the
Bible, men married several (or hundreds as
in the case of David and Solomon). So, they
just did not end the last marriage, before
starting the new one. Now, culturallythis
made sense. At the time, divorcing a woman
was a death sentence for her, as she could
not financially survive on her own. But, that
is no longer true.
It bothers me that I see the church that is
supposed to be Gods body on earth looking

for how to condemn others (divorced or gay)

for choosing to love themselves and wanting
them to be required to live unhappy and
unloved without knowing a thing about their
situation.and they hate them for their
choice to love themselves or others.which
to me is all you need to kmow about who is
on gods (loves) side.
Anyway, hope this helps someone. Others
will not understand, but you have to think
about yourself. I get judged all the time, but
that does not change the fact that it was
right, and I have never regretted the peace
that comes from the hope it brings.

Dont question the caring or hope for the

cruel. Believe what they give you, not what
you cannot see.

Life is an Adventure
At the beginning of the first Hobbit movie,
you have an exchange where Bilbo is
arguing with Gandalf about risk versus
adventure. He is being challenged to go on
an grand adventure with some dwarves, and
he wants Gandalf to assure him that it will
be safe. Gandalf cannot do it, and Bilbo is
unwilling to commit to such risk. However,
after a nights thought and rest, he packs his
things, shouting out to people he passed,
content in their own lives, that Im going
on an adventure!
Helen Keller once said, Life is either a
daring adventure or nothing at all. Now, I
am not going to tell you that you should
leave something good for better. That is not
what I am saying. The grass is not always
better on the other side, and no road is easy.
However, if you are in a toxic relationship, it
is time to think for yourself. If all you have
done is sacrifice for those that walk all over
you, it is time to move on to something that
will make you happy. You deserve to be
happy. You have to think about yourself and
follow your bliss.

However, here is the lesson of the week, if

all you have known is failure and pain, you
are very qualified to recognize red flags and
signs things may not work out, but, you are
wholly unqualified to teach on happiness or
when good things happen. So, when you
reach those moments when no immediate
warnings are present, and you are excited at
the prospect of the journey, you have to shut
off the failure -teacher brain, acknowledge
you are in new territory, courageously step
psat your fears and charge forth, screaming
Im going on an adventure!

Surprise Me - Living in Wonder

I feel that my life is moving in a very
positive and happy phase, and do you know
what I am realizing? I am happily ignorant
in this area. Ha. Funny phrase, but it fits.
Ill explain.
Since I started up this blog this year, it was
to help others to avoid the pitfalls that I have
faced along the way and find success and
happiness. I figuredshare my experience
with those that are facing the same struggles
I have faced. divorce, dating disasters, red
flags to look for, being yourself in a world
that rejects that, etc. So, I have a lot of
advice for those that are struggling, as I am
somewhat of an expert in overcoming and
dealing with stress and negative issues.
However, when it comes to being able to
trust someone, open up, and be happy. I
have pockets of some of that, but not the
fuller picture I am feeling, lately. And, I am
seeing that I cannot apply my past
knowledge to this situation, doing so would
cheapen the experience and be a self
fulfilling prophecy. That is the point of this
post. Sometimes, you just have to take your
hands off the controls that protect you,

dismiss your experience, and say. this is

NEW. Surprise me, life. It is a happy
surprise, and life is made up of being fueled
and inspired by such serendipity. You have
to step out into the new with wonder and
excitement, not to get what you did not get
in the past but acknowledging your complete
ignorance of what may come and looking
forward to the adventure of a life that is
new. It will not be a story book or perfect.
There will be challenges upon the way, and
you should be prepared to grow from the
challenges, as much as from the joy. But, in
a life that might have contained so many
negative experiences, it is good every now
and then to have some positive ones for your
memories, as well.
So, go ahead, lifesurprise me. Show me
something new. I look forward to the
wonder of it all.

Good Happens
It isnt always dark. It doesnt always fail.
Your past does not define your present or
future. Some reflections I learned on my
road to happiness
I am happy. That does not mean that I had a
change of mind about my ex or experiences
of the past. I am not saying that all you need
to do is change your perspective about your
situationthat makes you a prisoner. I am
not saying that you need to forgive those
who hurt you, even if they do not change or
are unrepentant. I dont believe that. God
doesnt believe that, either. Peace and
happiness does not come from surrender but
courage. It takes the courage to believe that
you deserve happiness, deserve someone
that gets you and thinks that how YOU are
is amazing.and, then, have the courage to
WAIT for that person.
Now, there are a few things that I want my
friends still looking to note in this journey.
The past does not define your future. Just
because that is what you have had, it does
not mean that is how it will be. There is no
fate but that which we make for

ourselves.to quote Terminators Sarah

Conner. You are writing your story. Your
actions will determine your future. What
you put up with and create is what you will
get. Also, do not apply the actions of others
to the new options you meet and consider
but consider them as themselves. This
means do not apply the negative actions and
abuse of others toward you to those you are
considering, now. But, it also means do not
seek the good of past dreams to the current
situation, too. You may end up meeting a
lot of those dreams, and I am lucky to have
done much of that. However, life is
nowstop living yesterdays dreams.
Especially as you get older, you need to
realize, life is different, now. YOU are
different, now. You are no longer a teen
looking for a high school sweetheart, going
to the prom, etc. You may be living with a
job, kids, etc, and they are living the same
life. It is not what would have made you
happy, a decade ago. It is what would make
you happy, now. So, start at the right
starting line. In that same vein, dont kick
yourself for being older. I work very hard to
be the best I am, but I am not a young stud
with no aches or pains or etc. Everyone
ages. Accept it. Embrace it. Do not let it

keep you from shining in it, and that is my

next point.
Give your best to those that give to you, and
do not waste your energy on those that do
not value you. It is a crime to let those that
hurt you continue to control your view of
yourself, control your mind or expectations,
or limit your future opportunities. They
didnt get you, so move onthey are hardly
the basis for judging how amazing you can
be. Close doorsput to restthe past.
Live in the present. Feed that which you
want to grow and starve that which just
wants to consume you and use you. Where
you put your attention, today, will define
how happy your day is, tomorrow.
Finally, when good happensand it
doesaccept it. Dont force it where it does
not existwait till you see it. But, when
you do see it, go all in. Accept it. Accept
that good does exist, and you do deserve it.
Dont doubt the caring (or hope for the cruel
to get better)j but believe what you see.
Then, forgetting the past, make today
unforgettable.

Love is learning how to make someone

smile. Romance is doing it.

REAL-ly Living
My post, today, is about the peace and joy
that comes from REAL - ly living. What do
I mean by that? I mean from being real
about yourself and your situation, and not
caring to put on an air that you are not. You
are beautiful, as you are, when you are at
peace with it. You are not beautiful, when
you are fake.
For example, I have a house that is under
renovation. It is an old house, and it has a
lot of flaws. However, I see a vision for
how it can look good, and I see the ways it is
good, right now. Yet, to look at it, right
now, it is old.. paint peeling, boards need
replaced, plumbing issues from time to time,
etc. Now, I could go around and be
embarrassed about my house and pretend it
was more than it isbut what is the value in
that? If I did that, I would never have
anyone over, would be concerned people
would see it (as it is), and I would feel
depressed about how it is NOT like other
houses out there. However, it is a house. I
can do whatever I want with it and make it
how I want it to be. And, I can LIVE in

itenjoy my family and friends and more,

at PEACE and JOY, if I tell them up
frontheymy house is not amazing, but it
is home. Know whatthey probably wont
care.
Now, this applies to so much in life. I see
people all the time posting about how their
life is not like all the other lives they see out
thereor the life they wish they had that
they on tv. Or.they think the same about
their body. Now, NONE of this means you
cannot improve, but why go through life
paying attention to your inperfections.
EVERYONE is imperfect. People have
glasses or contacts, because they cannot see
as well. They have pain meds, because they
get sore. They wear makeup, because they
want to look better. EVERYONE does
things to improve how they are. But, do you
know what is attractive? A confident smile
and happy attitude. So, you have an old
house, an old car, and older body, a lower
paying job, are not where you thought you
would be in life,etc. Accept your starting
line, and charge forward with a smile, happy
to be who you are.

Dont pretend to live. LIVE, where you

really are. You are awesome.

No one can stress you, without your consent.

Most of our stress comes from unwarranted
trust, effort, or grace.

Consider Yourself And Being Happy

For the longest time, I believed that it was
best to sacrifice for yourself and put others
needs, before my own. It was the
Christian thing to do, after all.or so I
thought. After all, Jesus took abuse and was
killed for it. So, we should do that, too.
Right?
Here is the thing, tho we are called to be
selfish. Yes, you heard me. We are not
Christ. We CANNOT die for the sins of
anyone. And, what does God ask for us to
do? Love others as we love ourselves. It
starts with loving yourself. Even salvation,
He tells us to accept his sacrifice, so we will
go to Heaven, pray so we receive, seek and
find, etc. What do all of these have in
commonthey are selfish. You DO want to
love others and give to others, but it has to
start with loving yourself.
Applying that to your own life. do you
stop and think, what do I want? Do you
think what can I spend on what I
wantwhat time can I give to myself for
what I want? Now, if you find someone that

SHARES what you want, it is even better.

Then, you can think what do WE want.
But, as a parent, I often will run into
situations where it is liketime for my kids
or myself. Again, I felt like it was only
CHRISTIAN to give all my time to the kids
and none to myselfany time given to
myself would be selfish. But, then, you
become depressed and bitter and resentful.
That is not the best attitude to show to your
kids. So, you have to start by telling your
kidsthere will be things coming up and
days where I am going to do this for myself
to be happy. What I have found is that the
kids WANT their parents to be happy and
will work with you to that end.
You dont have to sacrifice your happiness
for others. You dont have to give up your
dreams. You are allowed to be happy, even
if it means your kids dont get all they want
or to do all that they want. Even if they
dont like it, they will survive. One day,
they will grow up and leave your house.
Dont you want to be happy, then? They
wont look back and sayI am so glad you
gave up your happiness for me. They will
seek their own happiness.

Consider yourself. Consider what you

want. Go get it with a smile on your face.
That is the best example to give to your kids
and the world.

The devils main victory over us in prayer is

not in keeping us from praying but keeping
us from wanting, so our prayers are
powerless.

How People Destroy Their Own Futures

This is kinda a follow up to my last post but
more relationship focused. I think so many
destroy their own futures, and they do so
blaming others. Examples 1. They say
they want someone that is loyal to them but
want to play the field. 2. They want deep
intimacy with someone, while staying
guarded. 3. They want open communication,
but they hold back saying both concerns and
care. 4. They want someone thar desires
them, but they vocally speak against the
physical and wait on kissing and more.
There is a physical foundation to romance of
physical people. Sure, it should not be the
only thing, but it is handicapped romance at
best without itwith both wondering if it is
just a friendship. There is no such question
with the physical. 5. They wait for someone
to come sweep them off their feet but ger
bothered by a string of losers or whores that
come along. This is more directed to guys,
but who else is going out searching for
anyone that will bite. Take charge of your
future, look for quality, and have the
courage to take the risk on someone worthy.

Personally, I am glad to have found

someone with whom I can be totally open,
completely exclusive, risk intimacy, enjoy
passion, and throw myself into pleasing. She
is worthy.

Wise Dating and Relationship Steps

Ok.. so, first, to not sound arrogant, I have
faileda lot..over the years. However, the
last few months, I have been very happy
with my choices and steps toward deepening
relationship. So, a few tips that I have for
success, for what it is worth.
1. Dont think so much. Feel, instead. After
a failed marriage of someone that did not
respect or value me and a couple failed
attempts, I became guarded and closed off
for years. I over analyzed every potential,
mentally, and did not commit to an attempt,
until I felt safe. The problem with that is that
you cannot be your attractive self, hidden
behind your fears. It will succeed or fail on
its own. I am not saying all attempts should
succeed. They should not. However, you
will never know, if you do not try. Fear is
not attractive. Confidence is attractive.
Passion is attractive. Flirting, touching, and
kissing is attractive. It may not succeed, but
that does not mean you cannot enjoy the
attempt, and, if it IS a good match, you are
setting a great foundation for the future on
trust and love and not fear.

2. Related to the last point, do not

assumecommunicate. Do not let your
fears from speaking up. The other person
may be wanting but not speaking, too. Do
not hold back out of thinking they are not
into what you are into. They may not be, but
it is better to find out, now. They may just
be as dirty minded, romantic, or as geeky as
you arehaor whatever you want. Hiding
yourself can be robbing yourself of a strong
connection.
3. Finally, do not confuse poor nutrition,
illness, lack of sleep, or lack of exercise as a
relationship problem. Similar to the last
point, there has been times in the past that I
made poor assumptions about what the other
person was feeling by what they said or did
not say. Stop trying to find a problemstop
trying to undo happiness. It may be as
simple as you have not ATE anything and,
thus, felt tenseor you have not slept and
the flight or fight adrenaline kicked in. Or,
those cam be true of the other personor
someone is sick or just needs a good outlet
for their stress like sex or exercise. Do not
minimize passion, touch, kissing, or sex, by
the way. We were made to have that as a
foundation of romancenot the ONLY one,

of course. But, without the physical, you

have a friend. With the physical, you have a
lover. The goal is to have both. However,
my point is simplysee things for how they
are. If you are hungry or weak, eat. If you
are sleepy, go to bed. Then, bring your a
game to the romance, when you are ready to
impress, not accuse.

Keep this perspective. Those that judge you

are juding themselves in light of you. That
is why it is personal to them. Do like like
their weakness stop your strength.

The Simplicity of Real

I have been wanting to do a subject on
something that I keep seeing out there and
have learned in clarity, myself, over the
years.the simplicity of being real.
I admire the spiritual. I do. I am spiritual,
and I feel my connection to God is a much
needed positive influence in my life. That
said, I believe that too many people overspiritualize things and make things too deep
that have a very simple explanation.
For example, someone gets sick, and so
many are like.rebuking the devil and
confessing Scriptures and every incantation
of Bible to get themselves well. But, no
what.I dont ever remember hearing a
doctor saying to someone sickknow
what? We see the problem. You have a
devil in your scan. We just need to do an
incantation to remove the devil. No. They
say, we see a VIRUS that is causing it, or
bacteria or cellular or genetic abnormality or
weakness. They dont treat it with prayer
and Scripture. The doctors treat it with
medicine to help the body fight off the
infection or repair itself. Does that mean

that I dont believe in prayer or the power of

God? No. I absolutely believe the creator
of that body can help it heal. However, HE
would be doing the same thing the
DOCTOR is doing and causing the BODY
to heal itself. That said, you KNOW the
medicine will work, and God may or may
not answer that prayer for healing. I bet
God is sayingGO TO THE DOCTOR
that knows the body HE made. Your child
gets sick, and you are thinking about
demons as the cause, when it was probably
not getting that immunization shot or taking
your vitamins or exercising.
Our choices have consequences. We are
defined by what we do, not what we ant to
do or say. Lost your power? Well, before
you blame the devil, did you pay your
electric bill.
This also goes in the opposite direction. The
good happensit is not some spiritual force
that is doing it, but a PERSON that is doing
it. My time with Christina has been so
amazing that I am astounded by how much
we are fulfilled in each other. But, know
what? That is not God that is loving me and
pleasing me or her, either. We are doing

that to each other. Christina is not amazing

because of Karma. She is not amazing
because God makes her like a puppet. She
is not amazing from fate. She is amazing to
me for who she is and what she does. The
same is true for me to her. We are attracted
to each other, and that is not spiritual. That
is biological. The body that GOD made is
attracted to HER body and vice versa. She
likes that I buy her flowers and treat her
with the respect that she deserves.but,
againthat is ME and MY choices that does
it. Priority and romance is a choice. The
lack of it is ALSO a choice, not a spiritual
force.
Life is pretty simple. People just make it
complicated by blaming the universe or God
or devils for the acts of people (or lake of
them) and giving credit tot he same for the
acts of people that should be rewarded for
them, as well.
Before you start getting deep and spiritual,
stop and think. The answer may be staring
you in the face, literally.

Expecting interest, care, and desire is not

about validation but about knowing what
you want and deserve.

God made you to live

To watch many religious people, you would
think God wants you to suffer. I mean He
must REALLY hate you, too, because they
would have you believe He made you with
biological desires to trap you into hell and a
want for happiness to depress you.
But, here is the thing. It is not God telling
you that but others that, often, feel that
denying self is righteous. God made your
SELF and wants it happy. He did not tell
you to pray for suffering but deliverance, not
for sickness but healing, not for
condemnation but forgiveness. But, then, the
forgiven and blessed walk around like it is
their mission to eradicate joy. If someone is
happy, they must be evil. Pleasing the flesh
MUST be evil, even if God MADE that
flesh, and no one denies the joy of sleep or
eating or going to the bathroom. We have
biological needs from the creator of the
body. If that body wants sex, it is a holy
desire. While not applicable to me, this
applies to homosexuals, as well. That is the
body they received. If you have a problem

with how they are attracted, blame the

maker. If you have a problem with how they
LOVE, you need to go back to the sum of
the law being TO love. Condemnation of
love is never holy.
God did not make you to suffer abd die. The
purpose life is to LIVE, and do so
abundantly.

Praise for Communication

Communication is the breath of relationship.
It starts with it, feeds off it, and starves
without it.
I have for years been criticized by my
friends for giving too much away, opening
up too much, shared too much. I disagree.
Communication is how yiu know who
someone is and how they are. Now, I will
say that much of that communication is nonverbal. Actions do speak louder than words.
Bringing flowers is communication, as is
making time, cooking, paying for dinner at a
nice place, wearing makeup, opening doors,
walking up and holding someone, a head on
a shoulder, or saying nice things. or the
absence of those things says just as much,
also. I think people dont like sharing,
because it reveals more about the one that
they like than they want to know. What
happens if you share yourself, and they do
not care? However, that is not the fault of
communication. I is who they are, and you
will not know that without it.
In my own relationship, communication has
led to peace and security, as well. When

fears are communicated, they can be

eliminated. When joys are communicated,
they can be tteasured. When hopes and
dreams are communicated, they can be
shared
Do not fear communication. Communicate
yourself, and reap the rewards of the breath
of life.

Love isthe choices we make (life

illustrated)
This mornimg, I thought about sharing
something things that I typically dont, when
it dawned on me that it is a strength, not a
weakness as it first appears. Bad
days.specifically, the choice to love in bad
days.
I dont know what it is. I guess we want to
have perfect lives or easy all the time, but
that is not life. Love is not everyone in great
moods and always having extra money and
time. It is the choices we make in days of
less that define us.
So, going to eat bagels with my daughter on
Friday morning, even when it has been a
long week, is love. Pushing my older
daughter to take on responsibility, so she is
ready for life, even if she bites my head off
for it, is love. And, I have had a lot of
examples of love with Christina. When she
makes time for me for dates and to reply to
my texts, even on busy days, it is love.
When she works harder weekdays to be off
me on the weekend, it is love. Listening to
my problems, even as she has her own, it is

love. When I buy flowers or chocolate and

pay for dates that I kmow will make her
smile, even when budgets are limited and
things get put off, it is love. When I have
had a bad day and am tense but say little and
listen to her bad day and hold her, it is love.
But it is not all perfect, love is also
apologizing when you are right but wrong
and letting go of the right. It is being open
about your flaws from trusting them and
accepting their flaws when they tell you,
instead of pretending to be perfect, telling
them your dreams but also your fears, a
quiet snuggle on tired days when neither has
energy for passion, drinking coffee to stay
up with them leaving work early for then
when work does not like it, etc.
Love is messy. Love is real. Love is the
choices we make.

Time Better Spent

Where do you spend your time? Whatever
you water with it will grow? If you spend
time watering fear, you will grow anxiety. If
you water an abuser, you will grow abuse. If
you water, self respect, you will grow
confidence. If you water romance, you can
grow love. You cannot change others, and
they will stay the same. However, you
control how you spend your time to grow
yourself.
I was thinking this morning how much time
we spend thinking on our weaknesses and
vulnerability. Is that the best use of our
time? Do we want that to become more of a
focus in our lives, as we water it? It is not
like worrying on it will change it or
ourselves. You want to improve? Good. Be
the best you that you can be, and that comes
from playing to your strengths, not worry
about your weakness. Dont feed your
fears..empower your future by accepting
you are allowed to be imperfect and by
investing your time and attention on things
you want to grow.peace, happiness, love,
confidence, and making today the best it can
be. A better tomorrow will follow.

In every #moment, before every #action

#reaction or #omission consider your
desired #destination .. then, #act accordingly

Prayer Gambling or Courage

and Responsibility
I am sorry.but I just saw a post by
Lifechurch with a quote from the pastor that
just set me off about something that has
bothered me for a while.building, and it is
time to speak out. This may offend some,
and, while I do not wish you to be
uncomfortable, I think you need to stop and
consider the truth in this.even if you go to
Lifechurch. Perhaps you think I am
misunderstanding Craigand, if so, I
apologize about HIM, but it is something
that IS true out there in the church and is
something that DOES need addressed.
The quote goes something like thisGod
may not answer your prayer, because He is
trying to change your heart. This is not the
first time that I have seen this kind of
message from Craig, and I have seen it
elsewhere. It is larger of a poison than just
affecting church. It is tied into those that
live their lives based on FATE or
DESTINY. I have seen so many out there
that have an attitude that sayswell, this is
just the life I was fated to have. Or, they
take the NEXT step and say.GOD gave

me this lifeby destiny or fateand,

therefore, HE is to blame for all the lack and
failure I have in it.
NO. YOU are responsible for the life you
have. God gave you that responsibility,
when he gave you a BRAIN. It is not HIS
fault, if you choose not to do it. If you do
not have money.do you have a JOB? Are
you looking for a BETTER one? Are you
budgeting the money you DO have? If the
answer to these are no, it is not God to
blame. It is not the devil. It is not fate. It is
your freaking lazy ass. Get up and do
something about it.
For a long time, I lived married to a very
self centered and narcissistic woman that
made my life bad. I did nothing to change
that, because I felt that it was what GOD had
destined. Then, one day in prayer, it
dawned on me that the God that DIED to
forgive my sins and told me to ask what I
wanted CARED about my sufferings and did
not want me living in them. Honoring HIS
heart was not staying in suffering and
abuse. Would any father want that for their
children? Then, why do we assume GOD is
a dick of a dad? At that moment I knew

what I had to do. Stop praying for God to

CHANGE another person and start
CHANGING my geography. My life
improved, not from Gods divine aid but my
own actions. Indeed, EVERYTHING good
in my life came as a result of actionsand
often actions against what was easy or
accepted by others. Going to school on
financial aid, while caring for children and
my ex. Applying for jobs. Working at
them, when others wanted me to be as lazy
and .go with the flowthat they were.
Exercising in cold, rain, etc. Continuing to
date past many examples of what I did NOT
like and wait for the perfect mate for my
soul. EVERYTHING took actions. None
of it just happened. No one came to my
door and saidhey, God told me to give
you money or a house or a car or a job or
whatever. My ex did not suddenly
sayknow what. I recognize that I treated
you like an ass for a decade and plan to be
considerate of you, now. No. People do not
change who they are. But, we can change
WHERE we are and how we respond.
So, lets go back to the quote.God may not
answer what you ask, because He is wanting
you to change your heart. How about.he

is waiting for you to get off your freaking

knees and DO something. You dont have
to ask God if you should eat. You dont
have to ask God if you should go to the
bathroom or exercise or wear clothes or any
other means of living. So, why should it be
different about how you live it? People
want to dodge the responsibility for their
OWN life and blame God for their own
inaction. No.that inaction is an action. It
is surrender, and that is what the pastor is
telling you to do. Give uppray a
gambling prayer that MAYBE God will give
you what you want. And, if he does not give
it to you..well, you lost the bet, so just
take it. No, if you want it, WORK for it.
Make it happen. Failure is not the delay in
reaching your goals. Failure is surrendering
them on the wind of chance. Do you want a
better life? Then, go make one happen.
YOU decide where you go from here.

The Careless
I think there is a word that is underused,
today, that i think correctly identifies many
in societythe careless
I said it in passing about my ex a few weeks
ago, but it correctly identifies the major
failure of her in the years of our relationship
and after. I have since seen it apply to many
others that I have dated, others have dated,
or even those around me in a non date
capacity but general society.
I think we put too much emphasis on
whether someone intended to do us harm. I
didnt mean to is a common retort. What
does that matter? To repeat a conversation I
have had with some such individuals.it is
not a question of what you intended to not
happen but what you intendedwhat you
did or did not do. It is not that you intended
to fail or harm but that you did not intend to
succeed or help. My power gets shut off, if I
do not intend and act on paying it. If I hit
someone on the road, unintentionally, they
are still dead, because I did not intend and

act on being careful. Being careless can cost

you your money, relationships, or even life.
That would appropriately describe my ex. It
was not that she often intended harm so
much as she was only interested in what she
wanted and was careless to what I wanted
and needed, both in the marriage and after. It
became a habit of expecting me to just take
it for her, and when I stopped taking it, I was
deemed as cold for standing up for myself.
However, Christina is warm and caring. It is
a new experience for me, but one I have
desired, to have a romantic partner that
cared about my wants and takes actions to
make time for me. I can SEE her love.
However, this applies to more than just
romance. It applies to people at work,
children, and others. They do not intend to
fail but they do not intend to succeed or do
well or be safe or please others, either. Then
when others get tired of continuing to
support and try for someone that is so
careless about them, they are judged by the
careless as being careless and abandoning
themor firing them..when the careless had
abandoned them in heart, years before.

No one likes to be used. No one likes to be

ignored. Failure by omission is not any
better for the one harmed or abused by a
series of misplaced trust, even if the one
doing it cloaks themselves in a shield of
excuses.
Whatever you do in lifedo it. If you love
someone, love them (visibly). If you work at
a job, work at it. If you want to please
others, it is something that is judged not by
your intentions but your actions, and trust
me when I say you will reach a point of
history that, even if you change, there is too
much history for anyone to trust you again.
My experience is that the careless have a
history of saying they will change, only to
get out of being in trouble and, then, return
to being careless. People generally do not
change. And, that is a warning from
experience to those living with the careless.
Get used to it or get out. They will continue
to use you.
Of course this is well known and labeled as
narcissistic behavior, but slapping a big
name on a condition only gives the guilty a
sense of justification and a means for society
to ignore it in themselves.oh, it is THOSE

people, diagnosed with it. Well who among

this group is going to go to someone about
their problem that they do not
acknowledge, and without acknowledging it,
nothing will change, because they do not
CARE to change themselves.
As I stated at the beginning, this is
overlooked as a problem, and the victims
seen as too sensative. Well, that is fine, it is
best to not spend your time arguing that
someone does not care when they do not,
generally, care that they care. Better to
ignore them and invest your time in those
that do. Ignore the careless. Reward the
caring. Choose to be happy.

A Healthy and Successful Divorce

I have decided to begin a new blog as a part
of the development of a book on the subject
of the title of this blog posthow to have a
healthy and successful divorce. Of course it
is a bit tongue and cheek, but I am serious,
as well. Let me explain.
I was recently talking to someone about the
lack of sites or materials out there to support
and help those that have gone through a
divorce and to find happiness on the other
side. There IS no materials out there to help
you have a successful divorce.
Yesyou heard me right.a successful
divorceand a healthy one at that. So, as
someone that has had to go through this
process and have learned a lot, along the
way, about divorce, single life, dating, and
new relationships, I feel indebted to help
others with this process.
Let me start with a concession. Divorce is
not something to be sought lightly or often.
It should not be sought lightly, because
marriage is not to be sought lightly. My
daughter one time asked me why there was

so much divorce in the world, and my

answer to her was that so many, including
myself, rush into marriage without knowing
the other person and to satisfy selfish
motives. This was definitely true for
myself. I met and married my ex in 3
months. It was a romantic notion. Indeed,
there was a song out there about met and
married in 6 weeks time or such. It is based
in the idea of love at first sight.the
problem with that concept is that it is
entirely absurd. No one can know anyone
upon sight. Not only does it take time to get
to know someones personality, but love is
not a feeling. That is hormones. Love is an
act, a choice, that you make to someone that
is choosing the same of you. When you
base you decisions on sight or hormones, OF
COURSE you will end up with other than
what you expected, because what you
expected came from your imagination, not
from your experience. Take the time to get
to know someone and make the commitment
to LOVE them in your heart, as they LOVE
you in return. Then, divorce will not be
something that is so easily sought, as you
made the commitment to love them, and
they made the same commitment to you.

However, what if you find yourself in a

situation where that love commitment is not
there? You find yourself daily abused for
your attempts to love, either emotionally or,
even, physically? What if you are living in
neglect and depression and cannot see a way
that you will ever be happy, again? What if
it is not the result of a few fights but is a
systematic disconnectionand
incompatibility that will not change, because
it is found at the core of each individual.
People are different, and, what one person
needs to be happy and intimate may not be
what another person needs to be happy in a
relationship. One person may be
continuously unhappy, while the other
person sees nothing wrong with ignoring the
needs of the first. One person may have
needs that the other is incapable of
providing. Further, there could be the
neglect and abuse mentioned a second ago.
Some would try to overlook neglect. They
assume it is just someone being too
sensative, and the one that is neglected feels
that they are the one at fault for pointing it
outthey are called needy or
oversensative or worse. However,
consider parents raising a child. If a child is
neglected, the state takes the child away and

charges the parent with abuse.abuse. Yes,

I used the word. This blog will, over time,
illuminate terms, situations, and situations in
the post married persons world that most of
the world would prefer to not address.
Specifically, there is a common
misconception in the church and society that
the end all good is marriage, and divorce is
not only bad but a sin. Therefore, if
someone is divorcing, they are cast out by
the church and society as doing something
badthey failed at marriage, and the
solution, according to the church, is to come
back together with the one that was abusing
them.becauseapparentlythat abuse is
success and healthy. Well, this blog will
step on toes. It will point out
misconceptions and factual errors. It will
shine a light on things many would want to
ignore, and it will encourage those that are
scared, hurting, and just trying to find peace
for their soul, even as the very society
institutions that are meant to nurture them
are the very ones that are leading the assault.
So, stick around, as I add weekly updates to
this blog to bind up the broken hearted,
stand for liberty for those that are bound and

depressed, and shine a light forward, as well

as provide examples of things I have learned
along the way. There is hope. It will
change. You will have to ignore a lot of
people and think about your own happiness,
but the future is in your hands. You CAN
have a better tomorrow.

It isnt what it isnt

Forgiveness and the Future

One of the gnawing issues that falls on
those that choose divorce for peace of mind
is the question of whether to forgive their ex
for the past. There are many movies,
books, and songs about this issue, as much
advice by those who not only have not had
to deal with an abusive or uncaring
relationship but have not forgiven anyone
for wrong, where the wrongdoer does not
see their wrong as wrong. They just spit out
what their pastor told them or perceive the
situation to be such that it fits their
worldview, rather than adapt their
worldview to what they view of the world.
However, often it is the case that those
getting a divorce was not making that choice
as a result of a single fight or a single act or
a single omission. It is a pattern. It is
continuing. I am sure many share my
memory of the. ..literally thousands. ..of
arguments, prior to reaching the point of
realizing they will not ever change. The
reason they do not change is that it is not a
conflict of opinions but a conflict of
personality. They need different things to
be happy. Of myself I needed intimacy

(depth of heart and soul connection) and

respect and signs of care and desire.
However, my ex needed only someone to
take care of the bills and house and kids to
allow her to work and stay out of her way.
It was more about image and structure and
system, without emotions or passion. So,
we were structured to failincompatible, no
matter who apologized or what we did. We
did not speak the same language.
Now, I believe there is more than this
miscommunication in my situation, as there
is evidence of abnormal patterns of thought
by her at times, but the lack of empathy and
careless drive for what she desired continues
to this day. Others have other situations that
define their past from abuse to drugs to
affairs to simply those that belittled their
pain or needs as an irritation. However,
whatever the story, they face this
issue..should you continue to hate and
condemn them or forgive them. However,
if you forgive them, you are forgiving the
unrepentant acts of a person who will likely
do it, more. Why? Not because they hate
you. It is from this one fact. At the core,
people do not change. I realized that years
ago. Over those years, I have had many say

that people do change. only to,

themselves, find themselves betrayed by
their own trust on this supposition. People,
all people, do not like to be wrong to the
degree that they will plead and apologize to
get out of being wrong or to keep from
losing something or losing an argument,
even if they do not want to change or want
what they would lose. So, they fight, they
plead, they are forgiven, and as a dog
returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their
folly proverbs 26:11.
As this pattern of argument, betrayal,
repentance, etc continues, more and more
wounds occur. By the time one reaches
divorce, those wounds have become fatal to
the relationship and trust is gone. They
reach a point that it is simply impossible to
open their heart to them and trust them and
love them, again. Even if, theoretically,
they were to change, against the history of
the world to become a different person and
were all that someone wanted, they are also
the source of so much pain, lack, and history
that it becomes impossible to move forward
with then or believe any apology. However,
carrying around angry for someone that did
not see it as wrong and probably does not

care that you hurt is not punishing them but

yourself.
So, what do you do? If you have no kids,
together, it is easy. walk away. Forget
about it. Forgive and move on. Not for
them but for you. However, what if you
share children? Then, it becomes difficult.
You still need to forgive them for yourself
and move forward, for yourself, but you
must work together for the children. This is
not easy, and I will admit to struggling with
this. However, if you are angry, your kids
will feel the need to choose sides. If you are
forgiving, completely, the kids will wonder
why reconciliation, as will the forgiven ex
that just got a pass.
No, forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It
does not mean trustimg. There is a
difference between not doing harm to
someone and doing good..between not
continuing abuse and being kind and
romantic. between being civil and being
in agreement. Our society is built upon
people working together that do not share
agreement on things. religious, atheists,
gay, straight, Republican, Democrats,
Independents, etc. .. we do not agree but we

work together at jobs, schools, etc. Why do

we feel we must agree to raise children? So,
the answer is to let go of the past, close the
chapter on them (and make that clear to
everyone involved) and move forward with
two people that love the same children, each
in their own, separate paths that lead to their
own happiness. Clarity, loving parents,
peace, and two examples of people finding
happiness sounds like a great example to all
the children involved to me.

Priorities are visible

God is not a Weapon or a Whipping Post

At first, I was going to do this post on my
other blog at
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/kenc111 that
is more general in focus, but I feel this is an
issue that is very fitting, here, too. God is
not a weapon or a whipping post. These are
two separate issues but one theme, so I will
cover them in one blog.
God is not a Weapon
As this relates to divorce, this can be seen in
two different ways. One is that many in a
marriage conflict, or even before divorce,
will plead with God to change their spouse
or ex. Then, as the marriage is falling apart,
they will start praying to God to save their
marriage by changing the mind of the
unhappy one leaving. God is not gonna
change them. He MADE them, as they are.
He sees nothing wrong with them. And, if
the them that He made is incompatible with
the you that He made, He is not gonna save
the marriage by changing either of you. It is
not the devil causing them to be as they are,
either, so dont blame him.

The other way that people use God as a

weapon in divorce us to spout Bible verses
to either condemn them or force them to
stay. God is love, and He is a God of
liberty. When Jesus announced his mission
at the start of His ministry, He said, The
Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has
anointed me to proclaim good news to the
poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom
for the prisoners and recovery of sight for
the blind, to set the oppressed free Yet,
whether it be their spouse, ex, those of a
different sexual preference, political party,
or etcmany Christians not like Christ
will spout off any verse they can recall to set
in bondage, instead of set freeto oppress,
instead of free. Leave God out of it. It is
not him involved but you.
God is not a Whipping Post
Which brings me to the other issue. Many
seem determined to blame God for every
slight in their lives. They believe that
everything that happens is according to
Gods plan. So, when a marriage falls apart,
they question God.why, God, are you
doing this to me. God had become the get
out of guilt or responsibility card. No.it

cant be the way they treated or failed to

treat their spouse. It is GOD.His PLAN
that you face this. Yeahright. Events
follow actions. Actions follow choices.
Choices follow will and reality. God does
not define our days. We do. God does,
however, create us, but it is up to us to not
only act, correctly, but choose who we
interact with on a daily basis. Stop blaming
God for the life you fail to live.
I hope this helps. God is not a weapon in
divorce or to blame. It is that it is, but He is
a comfort and guide for all those in
needeven those seeking liberty and peace,
after divorce, and desiring hope for a new
day.

Accept the reality of your starting

line.then, go.

Happiness isnt granted. Its taken.

This is my transitional post, moving from
articles about what you escaped to what you
are going toward. The future posts will be
directed about the hope for a happy future.
However, first, I need to set the foundation
for the road ahead.YOU. You are the
foundation. No one else.
Most people are selfish. Few have as their
goal your own happiness but their own.
Many of us that come out of bad
relationships know this well, as the person
that we left did not love us but themselves
through us. However, it does not just apply
to relationships but peers, as well. Those
around us are rarely giving 2 seconds of
thought to what would make us happy.
They are thinking about what makes them
happy. This is seen in the prior posts, where
many will judge you in your divorce, even if
it freed you from abuse or neglect, simply
because they are more interested in their
own assumptions than your well being. Yet,
the divorced or those that left bad
relationships had the self respect and
courage to ignore this chorus of contempt to
reach for a hope for happiness.

Yet, once they find that happiness, they feel

the need to go back to the very ones they
ignored to LEAVE the BAD and seek their
APPROVAL on the GOOD. They seek
permission to be happy, again.validation
that it is ok to love, again. But, here is the
thing.no one has approval over anyone
elses life. I think that is a missed incorrect
assumption that people make, going all the
way back to the question of.does people
change. This is a question that the divorced
struggle with and, ultimately, concluded was
not going to happenthus, divorce. But,
the missed and incorrect assumption within
that is that it is our PART to WANT them to
change. Would we want someone to
demand WE changebecome someone else
to get the approval of others? Or, would we
want someone to love us for who we are?
The latter, of course. So, when, when we
want this for ourselves, why do we assume it
is our part to expect someone else to change
for us. Some people just do not work with
each otherit is inherent in their genes.
People are that they are. Some are
compatible for us, and some are not. If
someone has to change to please another, it
is artificial. It is fake. That will fade, once
they no longer feel in trouble, and they will

return to who they are. So, we should not be

trying to CHANGE others to work for us
(which is egotistical and controlling). We
should recognize that the problem lies not in
whether others change for us but whether we
chose the right ones in which to invest our
time.
This does not JUST apply to relationships
but friendships, as well. SOME will want
you to be happythat is their goal. They
will accept your choices if it leads to your
happiness, because your happiness is their
goal. However, others will only accept you,
so long as you fit their theological model,
personal assumptions, or do not make them
feel inadequate. Indeed, if ANYONE has a
problem with your HAPPINESS, it is a sign
that their relationship with you is not really
about care for you but themselves. And,
some of those would rather bring you down
to their own unsatisfied life,than see you as
a shining light of what they may achieve.
Recognizing this, lets come back to the
question. Do you need approval to be
happy? Well, did you need approval to
leave abuse or neglect? No. You watched
out for yourself in SPITE of many that

would just as soon you continued to suffer

for their own world view. So, why, then,
seek their approval to be happy, especially
when most of the critics are unhappy in their
own lives. Indeed, you have what they
WANT. They are jealous of what you have
achieved and would take it, themselves, if
they had the chance, in spite of you. So,
who cares what the critics say? Be happy.
Those that love you will love that you are
happy. Those that would be critical of your
happiness will only glory in your sorrow and
woul lead you own a very dark road. Be the
light of hope in their lives by proudly
proclaiming that good IS possible. Hope is
real. Love can rise again and light your
future. You dont need permission to be
happy. Take it for yourself.

You Choose the Adventure

When I was growing up, one of my favorite
type of books to read was choose your
adventure books. You know the books. You
read a chapter. Then, at the bottom of the
page, it would say.if you think he should
go to the right, go to page 112. If you think
he should go left, go to page 116. Then, the
result of that choice was revealed at that
page.
Well, this concept is true in all of our lives.
Our choices determine our outcomewhat
we allow, what we do, and where we invest
out time and assets. However, it also has to
do with what we allow to dominate our
minds. I just got engaged to the most
amazing woman that gives me all that I need
to be happy by being herself, and my natural
inclination for romancing a woman and
bestowing honor on women of caring hearts
is what she desired, as well. It was an
amazing and romantic start to a Christmas
weekend. Then, static. .. first, not everyone
was supportive. Then, on our way down to a
vacation to a resort, my phone dies.only
to discover the code to enter our cabin was
texted to that phone. The whole trip was

threatened at the start by my exs poor

planning on flights to get our shared
daughter, and it rained hard the whole way
there, turning a 7 hour trip into a 12.
However, all was overcome, and the next
day was amazing.the day before more
challenges arose.
My point? If we let events dictate our days,
this could dampen things. However, you
have to learn to sayit is what it is and find
the good.put your focus there. There will
always be challenges. Things will never be
easy, all the time. But, the solution is not to
spend your energies fighting the old but
building the new, as Socrates said. Invest
your energy on what makes you smile and
your focus on what you can do to improve
where you are, now, and making others
smile. Forget the past. Create the future.
Your life is not dictated by events but your
response to them. So, choose your
adventure, moment by moment, and make it
a good story worth retelling.

Happiness Is Possible (a testimony of love

found)
I have been thinking about this off an on
over the last few weeks and the last few
days. It seems that all we see or hear online
is how a relationship falls apart of when
things go badly. However, when things go
well, few talk about it. But, I believe that
those are the times that it needs to be talked
about.not for vanity or self glorification
but so others can believe in that kind of
happiness and seek it for themselves. So, I
am going to talk about my relationship with
Christina from the start to our engagement
and how the future appears, along with
lessons learned along the way. I have talked
about things I learned in different posts, but
this is more of a testimony of one that is an
eyewitness or participant in it. While I do
not expect everyone to find the same amount
of perfection that I did our connection is
beyond what I have had in my life to beyond
what I have seen in most others, as well, but
I am not saying leave what may be good for
what may be great either. Yes, in our
situation, it took a new PERSON to find that
happiness, because the one we had before
was just incompatible to our own happiness.

Their personality was incapable (and

unwilling) to provide the necessary means
for us to be happy. However, that did us a
favor in that it freed us to find that bliss in
another, and the outcome of two blissful
people of 4 (And potentially all 4 if they
find someone that works for them) is a much
better prospect than 4 living in misery and
depression with all 4 feeling they were
broken or insufficient, when they were just
different an incompatible. That said, if you
have happiness in your relationship an CAN
please each other, dont start over. I offer
my testimony as a means to help and inspire
you to find your own happiness.
So, to begin. As strange as it seems from
my past personality of being deep and
guarded, after the divorce, and deep and
committed, shortly into the relationship, we
did not begin with commitment in mind.
We began with one thing in mind. I like this
person. She (or in my case to her) is fun,
attractive (o not underestimate passionwe
are physical beings), and I like being around
her. I want to try this out. This led toI
want to see them, againand againand
again. And this is how we went into it,
while being very open with each other.

I will pause to say, here, that you should not

listen to others. I got a LOT of advice not to
be so open. I was told that I should not talk
about my ex, my faults, my desire for the
future, not to introduce kids into the
situation, not to talk about our challenges, or
how we felt about each other. Of course, all
of these were wrong for us. People are
different, so this may not apply to everyone.
However, it was our faults and weakness
that often made us most endearing. I liked
taking care of her and comforting her, and
the things I thought would be most
unattractive (a messy house for example)
was not a concern to her. Indeed, EACH
vulnerability, once discussed and eliminated,
became a strength for now we felt safer to
trust and more confident of love. I truly
believe that this open communication is the
number one reason that we grew together so
well. And the open intimacy of trust
allowed the gradual merging of hearts, so it
would go from relationship step to step with
such ease that the stage would come and go
without even notice. It was just the next
natural step, including marriage that by
the time that we got to it, it was already
something we had talked in general about so
much and so freely that there was never any

doubt or anxiety, further no question

afterwards, if it was the right thing to do.
Our hearts, literally, led us, even as all we
cared about waswhen can I see her, hold
her, kiss her, again. Along the hundred
dates or so that would follow, the vacume of
her grew, when we were not together, so the
point that it is physically stressful, like
caffeine withtdrawal, to be without her, and
the time till that kicked in grew less an less,
until I start missing her, before she even
leaves, at times.
Now, I do believe that you should be happy
with yourself, before you start dating, and
you should not be with someone, just to be
with someone. That is how my ex
happened, her ex happened, an most exs
happen. My daughter asked me, one time,
why there is so much divorce in the world. I
answered her from my own experience that
too many people marry without knowing the
other person or knowing that they will be
happy with them. Many marry just to marry,
with little concern if who they are will make
them happy with who they are. That is a
sure formula for failure. Indeed, until I met
Christina, I did ate a few.single dates..to
test them out. If I saw red flags or things that

I felt were areas our personality would clash,

I walked away. For this, I was criticized by
many friends for being too pickyand told
that I needed to just settle. And, perhaps, I
could have. However, to think that I may
not have ever met Christina would make me
feel that the wait was definitely worth it.
With them, it was I dont it and more time
led to more doubt, while time with Christina
was like a drug an more of her only made
me want more of her.
So, advice be yourself from the start. You
want to attract someone that likes you, not a
faade you put on. Be open about what you
want, and real about what you likethey
may like it too. If you like them, LOVE..put
your heart into it. People do not look
attractive guarded, an nothing is more
attractive than a smile. Christina is
beautiful, but her heart is why I am
here.and that heart is most beautiful in
open smiles, not guarded fears. Romance is
not what you get but what you give It is
wanting the other person to smile and acting
to make that happen. If they want the same
for you, that is a relationship. Take
responsibility for your own romance, and
give them credit, as well. It was not God

that put you together, even if He wanted it.

If was both of you, loving each other. If
there are problems, it is not the devil. If is
one of you or both of you failing to love in a
way they need.
So, our romance has been a great example of
what you should seek, and I am not saying a
formula on how to get it. It will be different
for each person, as each person is different.
But, it is a testimony that, even though it
took years of patience an the willingness to
say no no no till the right one came, true
love CAN be found with someone who likes
to love in the way you like to receive, an
happiness can be yours.

Its Only Natural

One of the things that has been on my mind,
this week, and has given me a lot of peace is
that we spend too much time and energy
fighting nature.
We tend to think that life is so complex,
when it isnt. It is basic. It is natural.
Animals know it. They dont sit around and
think about what to do. They are hungry
They eat. They are horny They do other
things and new little things come around.
Well people are natural, too. You are hungry
You eat. Need money for food You
work. You like a girl or boy You go for
them. Then, however, we do something
other animals do not We fight nature. We
let society tell us what natural urges are bad.
Now, some of those are good Like loving
the weak, loyalty to your mate, etc. Some
are bad Such as people telling you to stay
in an abusive situation, telling you to feel
bad about yourself for being you, etc.
But a different aspect of this is my focus of
this blog. We spend too much energy trying
to change the nature of others or expecting
them to be other than they are, or we prevent

them from receiving the natural result of

their choices and personality. It is not our
job Ever To fix another adult to be
other than they are. We are us and they are
them. If who they are is not pleasant to be
around, be around them less. Go be around
those that make you smile.
See this is what I am talking about. I do
appreciate relationship books, self analysis
books, and etc, a lot. But at the end of the
day it comes down to this I am me, they
are them. Some people will like me, and I
will be drawn to them. Some people will
judge, condemn, hurt, or control me, and I
will move away from them. In the end, the
true nature of a things will be revealed and
remain. It us not our place to change nature
but learn from it Allow nature to follow
its course And follow our own naturally
pleasant path to a more peaceful and happy
life.

Say The Words

Most of the time, people know the answers
for their lives .. They just do not want to
acknowledge them Want to pretend the
evil (harm It is what evil means) does not
exist or that they want what they know they
do. You really do not need anyone to
convince you. You know the truth, already.
Read the following words Just words
Aloud, that applied to my life in my
situation, before my divorce, in the years of
transition, and the happiness of now and see
if they apply to you. If so, speak the truth
and be free of trying to keep it a secret for
everyone else.
Past - before the change
Unrespected. Not valued. Not desired. Not
loved (actions). Ignored. Used. Judged.
Controlled. Deceived. Owned. Expected.
Alone. depressed. Hopeless. Stressed. Sick.
Tired. Overwhelmed. Jaded.
Past - change
Self respect. Change. Hope. Condemned.
Struggle. Others. Self. Decision. Action.

Misunderstood. Courageous. Babysteps.

Mistakes. Learning about self again.
Mistrust. Self condemnation for courage.
Forward. Trying. Discovery. Growth.
Interests. Joy, again. You, again. Its ok to
be you. Life. New. Hope. Self love. Smile.
People. True friends. Real family.
Rebirth of joy
Fun. Smile. Laugh. Quirky. You. Them.
Zing. Connections. Its ok to be happy.
Romance. Valued. Respected. Valued.
Enjoyed. Wanting to please someone. Hope.
Trust. Scary. Open. Accepted. Cautious.
Try. Click. Easy. Not forced. Peaceful.
Happy.happy