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Chinese Girl Confessions: Sex and Love, Asian Style

by Angelina Zhang
2014 Angelina Zhang

Table of Contents

Chinese girls dont have sex, or do we?

What makes a Chinese girl Chinese?
Chinese girls, Chinese beauty standards
What Chinese people want, and how you can take
advantage of it
My first boyfriend
Dating, China style
"Bride price": the dowry is alive and well
Round the bases
All your man is belong to us
Sex, China style, and how to please a Chinese girl
in bed
About chinese hookers
Are Chinese Men Really Wife-Beating Abusers?
Do Chinese guys really have small ones?
How to attract a Chinese girlfriend
Final words

Chinese girls dont have sex, or do we?

Chinese girls are hot. Hot like hot, my friends tell me, and also
hot like popular. Everyone is curious about us. Have you wondered? What
we look for in a man? What we like in bed? If we even get in bed? When
youve seen cute Chinese girls on TV, on campus, at the airport, at
Starbucks, wherever, have you ever thought about their private lives?
What the truth is, somewhere between prim and proper studious good
girls and hyper-sexualized-geisha-style? Chinese girls are often portrayed
as quiet, demure, subservient, and sexless. Thats not true. We can be
and maybe still are quiet, and depending how you define it, demure. We
know when to act subservient, but you shouldnt take that at face value.
And we put on a good show of being sexless. But like many aspects of
Chinese society and culture, reality isnt exactly like surface appearance.
You can use this book that to learn about how Chinese and Asian
girls really are. Maybe its because youre curious. Or maybe its because
youre dating or want to date a Chinese girl, in the United States or in
Europe or even in China. Theres nothing wrong with that. We certainly
have our attractions. Or maybe you wonder why your husband is so
intrigued with that Chinese girl in his office, and you want to know more
about us. Ill talk not just about myself and my sex life, but talk about
Chinese girls in general, in ways that can help you.
Not many people know about my sex life -- in fact, nobody who
wasnt there when I was doing it would know about it. I dont talk about
it casually. Even among us Chinese girls, in our dorm rooms, tea
gatherings, we dont talk about this stuff. It stays hidden. We all assume
one another to have sex lives, maybe even vibrant ones, but each one of
us individually pretends that shes the chaste one, and its her friends that
are rolling around Shanghai hotel room bed threesomes with wellendowed foreign guys. Well, Im here to tell you the private things, the
dirty details, everything that Chinese girls dont even tell one another.
Why? To help you, to get rid of a lack of understanding out there in the

world, and also to satisfy my thus far in life stunted desire to talk about
Chinese girls sex lives!
Too often, Ive bitten my tongue when people talk about Chinese
girls and sex in front of me. In a lunch conversation, a white coworker
might mention vibrators, and give me a look of you probably dont even
know what that is, you innocent Chinese girls. And I want to say I know
full well enough, but I get enough of the real thing. And instead I just
give a clueless, quizzical, and very very innocent look, as we Chinese
girls do.
I confess to everything. If I just wanted to confess, I might as
well write it in a private diary. Im writing a book rather than a private
diary not only to satisfy my slight exhibitionist desire, which I do admit I
have, but also so at least my experiences and my retelling of them can
benefit my readers. I guess we Chinese people always think of practical
benefits. For every dollar spent or minute of effort expended, we want to
know what well get in return. So what will you get from this book? It
wont help you scrub your sink or cure your back pain, but it does have a
lot to teach you. So heres what you can get from this book, and the
questions it can answer:
What happens in Chinese and Asian girls private sex lives?
How can I meet, attract, and seduce a Chinese girl, if Im not
even Asian?
What should I expect from dating, marrying, and yes, bedding
Chinese girls?
What makes many men so attracted to Chinese girls? Can other
girls learn anything from this?
Are our vaginas really slanted?
I can answer the last one right away. The answer is, of course,
YES! Our pussies are slanted into the ever-seductive horizontal position.
It drives men wild. Boys, you havent lived until youve experienced a

slanted China vagina.

Of course, everything I tell you is true. And when its not, I hope
that youre smart enough to know it. I do intend for this book to be
educational, especially about the first four topics, even if not about the
fifth. I hope I can demystify and illustrate some of the unique dynamics
of Asian girls, especially Chinese girls, for all interested parties -- which
includes both men and women.
If youre wondering How can I get a Chinese girlfriend? this is
your book. If you wonder How can I get with a guy who wants a Chinese
girlfriend? this is your book. If you want to know How can I keep my
husband from leaving me for a Chinese girlfriend? then also this is your
book. If youre wondering How to shave topiary gardens into my pubic
hair? then this is probably not your book. But maybe you can write your

What makes a Chinese girl Chinese?

Maybe you think I cant really be a Chinese girl, with such a dirty
mouth. Or maybe you suspect that by Chinese girl, I mean that Im an
American who was born in, say, New Mexico, but whose great great
grandparents came from China to build the railroads. Or that Im from
Singapore or Malaysia or some other Asian country thats only partially
Chinese. Nope. Im the realest of the real Chinese girl, born in Shanghai,
(Peoples Republic of) China, 1985. I came to the United States in
2008, to attend business school, and also to follow my then-boyfriend, a
white American guy. Ive lived in America since then.
With there being 700 million women and girls in China, there is
going to be variation. Obviously. Youd be crazy if you expected all 700
million of us to be exactly the same. But actually, there is much, much
less variation among Chinese people's mentalities than a Westerner might
Having met women from many countries in the world, I would
say that women in China resemble one another more than women in any
other country I can think of. (Thats true for Chinese men too. But
especially for Chinese women.) That is something that always strikes me
when hanging out with my non-Chinese girl friends here in the U.S.: even
in my circle of friends, which is of course constrained by my tastes in
choosing them and meeting them and so on, there is so much variety, in
terms of interests, likes, opinions, clothing styles, body types, even life
goals -- a lot more variation than I can ever imagine in a group of girls in
That means that it makes much more sense to try to understand
Chinese girls as a whole, as a valid subject in itself, than it would to try to
understand American girls as a subject. (Do I sound pretty academic
here? I know that in the U.S., Chinese girls are thought of as being very
studious. I think that has more to do with the particular values of Chinese
Americans than it does with girls in China itself. More about that later.)

There is so much remarkable similarity when you compare any two

Chinese girls, from any country, that it makes a lot of sense to just learn
what we Chinese girls are all about, because, well, more or less, that
knowledge is what we called in business school highly generalizable:
know one of us well, know a lot about us all.
In fact, and this is a point Ill talk about more later -- that
homogeneity or the lack of homogeneity among many Westerners is what
trips up some Chinese girls who just start dating white Western (say,
American) men. She starts dating a white guy. She may have heard that
her cousin is dating a white guy and that her cousins white guy loves to
listen to Daft Punk. So she assumes that all white guys are the same way - because really, truthfully, all Chinese girls of the same generation are so
similar that it would be unusual for them to have differing musical tastes.
And of course she gets tickets for a Daft Punk concert as a wonderful
surprise for the new white guy shes dating. And that white guy tells her - predictably to you, but shockingly enough for the typical Chinese girl -I hate Daft Punk! They suck! I like [Johnny Cash / Neutral Milk Hotel /
The Village People / whatever] -- and she is shocked, because doesnt
her cousins boyfriend like Daft Punk? Did her cousin lie to her? How can
it be that this white guy didnt like what the other white guy liked? Be
prepared for any Chinese girl you meet -- one who didnt grow up with
many non-Chinese people -- to have sometimes ridiculous ideas of what
you must like, because of that one time she met a white guy before, and
thats what he liked.
That's also why almost everyone in China, except the youngest
and best educated people, or those who have studied abroad, believe that
in the United States, everyone is white, everyone is Christian, and
everyone lives in a suburban house with two cars and a golden retriever.
To Americans, that's just a funny archetype, but in China, people are so
homogenous that they believe other societies are equally homogenous.
Here's a fun experiment, if you're an American whose ancestors came
from anywhere but Europe: introduce yourself as an American to a

Chinese person, and watch them either think it's a joke or you're a liar. Or
just be completely confounded. I've met many Asian Americans who
have traveled to China and decided that Chinese people are "racist,"
because they refuse to believe that those people are Americans. Well, yes,
I guess it's "racist" to some extent, but really it's just failing to recognize
that not all countries are as homogenous as China. And that "foreigners"
don't all have the same opinion or even the same language.
Chinese girls of the same generation, from China (as opposed to
ethnically Chinese girls from other countries), will be remarkably,
remarkably similar to one another. They shop at the same stores, listen to
the same music, and have the same opinions. They are, unfortunately,
pretty much interchangeable in terms of outward traits! And I say that as
a Chinese girl, although one who has stepped outside the norm a little bit.
There will be some variation based on what region from China shes
from, or what socioeconomic stratum shes from, but the variation is so
small. You might think that makes Chinese girls boring. Maybe. Ive
talked to both Chinese and foreign guys who say that they want to date
non-Chinese girls because Chinese girls are all so identical to one
another. But you should appreciate and use the positive (for you) side of
this: know one well, know them all well.
What about girls not from China? I think that its true that the
farther you are from China geographically, the farther you are in terms of
the girls being all the same. I know a lot of ethnically Chinese girls in the
United States whose parents or grandparents emigrated from China, and
they are definitely not all the same. Well, they share some traits of
Chinese culture, especially when dealing with their families, but theyre
not uniform in the way that Chinese girls from China are.
As a footnote, this homogeneity is becoming less true in China
now as the society becomes more polarized and unequal, between rich
and poor and urban and rural -- but when I was growing up in the 1990s
and early 2000s, Chinese society was pretty homogenous. But if youre
interested in Chinese girls who were born in the 1990s or later, those

socioeconomic distinctions to start to come into play more.

Chinese girls, Chinese beauty standards

Im lucky by Chinese standards. Im about 56 tall (167 cm),
which is quite tall for Chinese, fair-skinned, and have big eyes. I have
long, slim legs. My nipples are pink, my belly button is vertical-shaped,
and I dont have too many birthmarks. Those are all Chinese standards of
beauty. By these traits, I am hot stuff in just about any Chinese
community. But Chinese beauty standards are not the same as others
beauty standards.
One of those standards stands out above all others: fair (white)
skin. Its the trump card of Chinese beauty. Girls from China like to
sometimes describe themselves proudly as white girls. That doesnt
mean what you might think it means. It simply means that theyre fair
skinned. And one of the greatest compliments you can pay a Chinese girl
is youre so white! Which again doesnt mean what Westerners might
think it means.
Sometimes you might see a couple in China: the guy is very
desirable, but the girl much less so, except for having white skin, almost
paper white (in fact, paper white is one of the beauty standard terms
common in China, especially when describing models and advertising
beauty products). In my high school there was one very overweight,
dumpy-looking, shrill-voiced, boring and unremarkable girl whom
several popular guys were very interested in -- because despite her flaws
(by the way, she also had bad breath), her skin was paper white! She was
the envy of us all. And yet someone who doesnt know about the
obsession for white skin would never understand why this girl was so in
Caucasians who like Chinese women often like a different look:
shorter stature, small (slanty) eyes, and, importantly, dark skin. And
they dont place the importance that Chinese men do on vertical belly
buttons and pink nipples. The Chinese women that are considered hot in
the West are usually considered ugly, or even scary-looking, in Chinese

societies. Chinese peoples favorite example of this in the celebrity world

is actress Bai Ling. To Chinese tastes, she is monstrous-looking, and
would rate as below-average in looks. Chinese people are constantly in
wonderment at how she can be considered a beautiful actress in the US.
The other favorite example is American actress Lucy Liu. Her small
slanty eyes and weird, angular face are a turnoff to Chinese people, and
she lacks the fair skin that is pretty much mandatory for being a celebrity
in the Chinese world.
But you dont need to look at celebrities. If you travel to a
country such as China or Taiwan, take a look at the Chinese women who
are with desirable Chinese men, and then take a look at the Chinese
women who are with desirable white men. (What makes a man desirable
in a Chinese culture? Well discuss that soon.) You will see a big
difference! Chinese people do like to disparagingly talk about white men
dating the leftovers that Chinese men dont want, but is it really
leftovers when darker skin and slanty eyes are what white men want in
the first place? Why dont they say that Chinese men are getting the
leftovers that white men dont want, because thats equally (un)true. So
what Im saying is that the tastes are different. That creates a situation
where each team thinks the other team is getting the leftovers. But thats
all for the best, right?
And don't let the gossip and media reports about gender ratios
fool you. There's no big gender imbalance in China. Some people say that
in China it's now something like 2 girls for every 3 boys, but that is
utterly ridiculous. No serious authority has ever placed the gender
imbalance at more than 96 girls for every 100 boys. That creates a bit of
an imbalance, but I doubt whether it really makes a difference in dating
or marriage lives, or whether it has anything to do with Chinese guys
needing to buy iphones for attractive girls. I think it's just an explanation
people like to fish up, maybe because it explains womens' growing power
in Chinese society. But even with this slight gender imbalance, it's tough
being a single girl in China. Chinese beauty standards are demanding and

unyielding. Think you'll use makeup? Every other Chinese girl does it
too. You'll need heavy makeup and eye-enlarging contact lenses just to
keep up with every other girl. Think you'll get plastic surgery? Yeah,
every other Chinese girl has gotten it too, so you need it just to keep up
with them. Maybe that's the typical experience of life in China: trying to
run hard just to keep up with everyone else! And it's true in the world of
dating and beauty standards just as in the workplace and many other
spheres. It's competitive out there.
Knowing Chinese mens beauty standards, and also knowing your
own beauty standards, is going to be a crucial tool that you can
potentially use to your advantage. What's a "type" that you find attractive
but Chinese guys aren't into? If your beauty standards are quite different
from the Chinese ones, you will have quite a lot of opportunity with
women you consider attractive that Chinese men dont consider
attractive. On the other hand, if your goal is to impress your Chinese
friends or colleagues or clients with your date, you should realize that
bringing a 150 cm tall dark-skinned farm girl will not impress them, no
matter how many good qualities you can see in her!
And remember how I said Im lucky by Chinese standards?
Lucky in one sphere can mean unlucky in the other sphere. Ive had some
white boyfriends, who miraculously appreciated my looks (usually guys
who have spent enough time in Asia to acquire similar standards of
beauty to Asian guys standards), but Ive been unlucky enough to fail to
garner significant interest from a few white guys Ive been into here in
the US. Some of them picked busty blondes over me. And others picked
Asian girls who were shorter, darker skinned, the usual type that
Westerners are supposed to like, rather than me. My relatives in China
would say these guys are completely insane -- playing into the Chinese
stereotype of foreigners being crazy -- but dont relatives always think
that their girl is the worlds most beautiful?
Well, in this case, I really am considered very beautiful by
Chinese standards, but not really for foreigners standards. Had I stayed

living in China, I wouldve had it easy as far as guys. The guy-world was
being handed to me on a platter in China. I started out as an awkward
teenager with no contact with boys, but by the time I was finishing high
school, I was already being prospected by rich older guys. But coming
to America was a wake-up call that I would no longer be the most
beautiful girl in the room.

What Chinese people want, and how you can take

advantage of it
Are you one of those Western guys who want to go to China
because all the white American girls care about is money? Well, I have
an answer for you: ha ha ha, HA! Because if you think white American
girls care about money, you dont know much about Chinese girls.
Chinese girls care about money (or its closely related alloys, such as job
prospects and socioeconomic standing) much, much more than even the
most insane gold-digger white girl. Ok, let me define that a little more
specifically. I would say that the average girl in China cares about money
about as much as the worlds most money-hungry absolutely gold-digger
white American girl. (No, I havent met the latter or maybe I have, one
of my coworkers in New York; topic for another book!)
The only reason many white guys think that Asian girls dont
care about money is that those white guys don't see it overtly. They're
less attuned to it. Just like they don't understand when Asian girls talk
about them in their Asian native languages. And many girls in Asia
assume that all white guys are rich, and in many Asian countries, the
white guys do tend to be richer than the local Asian guys. So a white guy
who was always rejected back in the US because of his lack of money is
popular with women in Asia, and thinks "oh, women in Asia dont care
about money!" But the truth is exactly the opposite of this. The reason he
is popular in Asia is exactly the same reason he wasnt popular in his
home country: money! Its just that in Asia, a poor white guy is either
assumed to be rich because of his skin color, or while he's not rich by US
standards, is rich by the local standards. There are always stories of
retirees going to live in the Philippines or Thailand or Cambodia on their
pensions of $2,000 a month or so -- definitely not rich in the first world,
but kind of rich in rural Asia! In China, that used to be rich, but now
you'd have to go pretty far into the hinterlands for that to be considered
rich in any sense. I think the best you can do, if you go into rural China,

with $2,000 a month is "kind of above average." So you won't have much
status. But in the US your status would be "below average," so still, you'd
be doing better in China than in the US. And then, as I said, you might
conclude that "Chinese girls don't care about money" -- you'd be wrong,
because they care a lot about money, just that $2,000 is good money to
Am I saying that Chinese girls care a lot about money? Yes, I am.
They care about money and all the things that come along with it. If you
don't have actual cash in your pocket, they want you to have a nice house
or car. Or an education that can easily produce money. Or connections
that can easily produce money (important in China). Or anything like
that. That is really what's most important. And it's a practical view,
perhaps nurtured by centuries of Chinese people struggling to just get by
and grab any advantage on their many, many countrymen.
To explore what girls want, its very instructive to look at mens
online dating profiles, or any kind of dating-oriented profile, in the US as
compared to China. What men present in those profiles is what they think
is relevant for women to know about them. (And for now, well just
pretend the US is one homogenous culture, which of course it isnt.) A
US dating profile might talk about a mans hobbies and interests, and
how he likes to spend his free time -- he collects stamps, he watches
horror movies, he restores old cars, whatever. And it might talk about
things like his excellent singing voice and his capacity to make friends
laugh and how great his golf swing is. To a Chinese female reader, the
answer is, so what!
A Chinese mans dating profile is about one thing: his money and
social and economic status. If there are mentions of his hobbies, it is only
to demonstrate his money and his social status. "I'm a rich guy who plays
golf, not mahjong." Or "I'm a rich guy who drinks champagne, not bubble
milk tea." It is not unusual to list a salary in very specific terms, and even
project how much that salary will rise. Yes, all in an online dating ad.
There will often be a summary of the mans investment portfolio. Yes, in

a personals ad! And of course there will be reassurances of his

intelligence and education -- not because thats cool, but because
intelligence and education bring social standing and money. He makes
nice origami, or is good with dogs, or can run a marathon? Who cares,
says Chinese society!
So things are pretty simple to figure out in the Chinese dating
world. I mean, theres no mystery about what do women want? -- that
is a ridiculous question in the Chinese context. And while in first-world
white American society, a woman being interested primarily in the mans
money is considered crass, shameful, manipulative, and whatever else, a
Chinese woman would say of course Im looking at the mans money -what else do you expect me to look for?!
So does that make things easy or difficult for you in China? Of
course it depends where you sit on the totem pole, and what kinds of girls
youre after. Despite all the economic growth in China, average salaries
are still markedly lower than in the US. However, there is a huge
contingent of people, mostly men, making money in huge amounts, with
incomes in large multiples of the average. Speaking for China and only
China, you can forget about competing on the money scale for the most
desirable big-city girls unless you are really doing well in terms of
money, and I mean lets say $100,000/year absolute minimum income,
even in China. Even that won't get you that far. $1 million a year, and
now you're talking. I know that these days in Shanghai, it is common for
a guy to give a girl he doesnt know well an Iphone 5 (well, nowadays I
guess Iphone 6) just to say hey, Im interested in you, can we have a
meal sometime? Yes, a guy will throw a $1,000 gift at a girl just to say
I am worthy of a dinner date with you. At the dinner date, of course
hes expected to bring her another gift, maybe an LV handbag. And that
guarantees him that after dinner, hell have a hot, steamy, passionate
night of masturbating and wondering whether hell be good enough to
have a second date with her. Thats how it goes.
What if you dont make $100,000 a year, or dont want to spend

that money just to get a dinner date with some woman you dont know?
Dont stop reading or throw down this book in frustration! Ive only
described one segment of girls: big-city girls who are considered highly
desirable by Chinese society. That is maybe 5-10% of the women in
China. Foreigners usually dont interact with those girls, because the girls
are too busy managing their pool of Chinese boyfriends, and they dont
have much use for foreigners anyway. They're definitely not the girls
you'd meet on English-language dating sites or in foreigner-oriented
social venues. And Im not sure whether these are the girls foreigners
would most be interested in anyway, since foreigners criteria tend to be
different from Chinese guys criteria.
Actually, I have a cousin who is one of those in-demand Shanghai
5% girls. Shes very white-skinned (you know how great that is in
China!) and she attended a university in the UK (which just gives her a
badge of status -- no one in China cares about what she learned there),
and she was a virgin until marriage (this is important for Chinese guys!).
She ended up marrying a white American guy, a mutual fund manager
who lives in Shanghai, soon after she graduated from university. And
when she told her friends and relatives, who knew that she was the
highest of the high-value girls, that shes marrying a white guy, she
would say, hes a foreigner who lives here in Shanghai but don't
worry, because he drives a Ferrari! Meaning: Chinas urban elite pretty
much assume foreigners living in China are penniless English teachers,
but this one is different.
So how to reconcile that disdain for foreign English teachers with
the stories you mustve heard about Chinese girls eager to jump on any
white cock, even a poor one, just for the chance of a green card? Those
girls jumping on any available white cock arent the same girls Ive
talked about. The white-man-desperate undesirable girls, the 95% of
regular girls who are not in that desirable 5%, are interested in money
and its correlates just as much as those more desirable girls are. It is
absolutely not true that a Chinese woman who goes out with a penniless

English teacher is not interested in money. Shes interested in money, but

she knows what her limits are. Regular girls, or below-average girls (in
Chinese desirability terms) know that they usually have no chance with
rich Chinese guys, and maybe not even with middle class Chinese guys,
so their options are more limited, and they take what they can get.
Weve talked about the top 5% of girls, and what kinds of girls
are available only to guys who are willing to give an Iphone 6 as an
introductory gift. Lets talk about the other end of the spectrum: the
bottom end girls, who will willingly run off with most any foreigner.
These are the girls that you hear about who are so eager to meet foreign
men, especially white foreign men. Are these girls really so terrible? I
really dont think so, at least if you dont share Chinese societys
particular hangups. But remember that my mentality is not typical
Chinese. To a typical Chinese guy or girl, these girls are indeed complete
That brings us to the next, important point. We talked about what
girls want. Now let's talk about what Chinese guys want. Remember how
I said Chinese people, especially girls, are culturally so remarkably
homogenous and similar to one another? What Chinese guys want in a
girl is really also so similar. Approximately speaking, they want a whiteskinned girl, tall-ish (5'6"-5'7"; any taller is too tall), with big eyes
(sometimes Chinese girls have special contact lenses to simulate this),
long, slim legs, a bit of education but not too much education (college
degree is good; graduate school is kind of pushing it), from a
"respectable" family, either a virgin or "almost" a virgin, of course no
tattoos, gangster ex-boyfriends, extensive sexual history, past kids or
pregnancies or marriages. Remember my discussion of Chinese beauty
standards? This is pretty much the same list, only expanded to social
traits that pretty much add up to "marriageability."
Here are some specific traits that will make a Chinese girl pretty
much worthless or "unmarriageable" to Chinese guys: divorced, single
mother, over thirty years old, didnt finish high school, works/worked in

prostitution or a profession associated with prostitution (massage,

karaoke, hostess bar, etc), has had an extensive sexual history before
marriage (say sex with more than 2 men not necessarily at once!), has a
relative in prison, parents are destitute, has a tattoo. Add to that the
physical no-nos, such as being dark-skinned, under 160 cm in height, or
having any kind of visible congenital disease or disability. Any of those
(although in China those traits usually appear in groups, not one at a
time; many girls can check every box on that list), and the best a girl can
do is maybe a very low-status guy who has even less money than she has,
or maybe no Chinese guy at all. Or a foreign guy, who most likely doesnt
care about most of those traits. A girl with those traits is going to pretty
much jump at any foreign guy she can find.
Im not defending Chinese guys standards. But Im telling you
what they are. Yes, they create a cruel world, but is it any more cruel than
Western guys who only want girls with big natural breasts?! I dont
know! Ive lived outside of China long enough to think those are pretty
ridiculous standards. And maybe Im not exactly the most typical
Chinese girl, because even when I lived in China, I had my doubts about
those standards.
I have one good friend in China who considers herself unfit to
marry a Chinese guy." She is white-skinned, tall, pretty, big-eyed,
college-educated, and so on, but she was born with psoriasis, a
congenital skin condition that gives her red peeling skin on her back and
arms sometimes. I know. To my US readers, it would be hot girl with
psoriasis, who cares about the psoriasis! but in China, shes considered
defective, and not fit to marry any desirable guy. So she dates foreigners,
who dont care about psoriasis, and feel lucky to be dating a hot 10/10
Chinese girl. She only learned this because she met a foreign guy (living
in China) online, and they really hit it off. They had many coffee dates
and movies and so on. But whenever he tried to do anything physical,
even holding hands in a dark movie theatre, she swatted him away. He
thought she's inexperienced or sexually conservative or a prude or not

attracted to him or some such. The truth is just that she didn't want to lose
him. She thought that once the clothes come off and he saw her psoriasis
outbreaks, he'd drop her, as every Chinese guy had done to her. And she
enjoyed his company so much that she didn't want to lose him.
One day she finally told him why she didn't want to get physical.
She said she has a big secret to tell him that is the reason why she doesn't
want to get physical with him. He, as an American, guessed only one
thing -- she must be really a man! He was horrified that he'd been pining
after a transsexual all this time. After all, if an American woman tells you
"before I take my clothes off, there's something you have to know,"
there's quite likely to be a six-inch surprise popping out of "her" pants.
But in this case, all my friend wanted to tell him is that she has a skin
rash sometimes. "That's IT?!" he asked her? He thought that maybe she
really did have some other more sinister secret, and made up the skin rash
story just to provide a cover. That really was it, her whole secret. She was
taken aback when he said he doesn't mind her skin rash. He doesn't
consider her defective. They had amazing sex and a great relationship. He
ended up going back to the United States and parting ways with her, but
she knew from then on that she'd have a much easier time with foreign
guys than Chinese guys.
There's a strain in American culture that believes that all people
are inherently equal, and physical disabilities are minor genetic mishaps
that should be accommodated. That's not Chinese culture at all. Have you
ever heard about how in a nest of baby birds, if one baby bird is weak, the
mother kicks it out of the nest and onto the ground? That's how Chinese
society is. Any physical "imperfection," and you're branded a "cripple,"
and more or less no one wants you, not for dating, not for marriage, not
for education, not even for friendship. In China, a wheelchair-bound
person enjoying an evening out with family and friends is unthinkable;
their family would be ashamed of being seen with a "cripple," and they
would be unlikely to have any friends, perhaps other than other
"cripples." It's a cruel world out there. And that cruelty extends not only

to people in wheelchairs, but people with any kind of minor physical

anomaly, such as, say psoriasis or a missing toe or some such thing. The
weak bird gets kicked out of the nest.
Have you heard about China's respect for age and older people?
There's a little bit of truth to that, but it mostly applies to respecting one's
own parents and one's work superiors or political superiors -- that is,
people you are respecting because of their position, not strictly for their
age. As for dating, a woman over thirty, or outside the big cities even
over twenty-five, is "too old." Remember these standards were set when
humans were used to reproducing in their early twenties. And to this kind
of survival mentality, a thirty-year-old prospective wife is too old to
make healthy offspring.
Chinese guys would be ashamed to be seen with a girl over thirty.
Even if they're over thirty themselves! I know a few Chinese guys in their
forties who are a loose-knit association of family, business, and
university friends, some divorced, some single, and some married but
still looking for more girlfriends -- and none of them would ever have
anything to do with a woman over thirty. Some of them would only
grudgingly speak to a girl who's 25. The prime age for them is maybe 2225. And a thirty-year-old, which is about fifteen years younger than them,
is old, too old. Even though in this group of guys, the minimum age is 42
and the maximum age is 49.
On the other hand, I had a chance to meet one foreign (Canadian)
guy in China who has a secret. Well, we know these guys in the US as
"cougar hunters" or "milf hunters." I guess I've said enough right there
and you know what this guy is into. He's just an English teacher, by no
means a rich guy. But he's always got a lot of hot girlfriends on his arm.
His secret? He's 31. He seeks out women over thirty, sometimes even in
their early forties. And they go wild at the chance to be with him. No
Chinese guy under maybe sixty or seventy would ever want such an
"undesirable" Chinese woman -- whose only "undesirable" trait is her age
being 35 or so.

So thats exactly the dynamic that Im talking about here: the

most natural match between a Chinese girl and a foreign guy is a girl who
is considered defective by Chinese standards, but not by foreigners
standards. Foreigners get what they like but the local Chinese guys dont
like. Its like value investing, finding a stock that you think is good that
others dont like. (I told you I have an MBA, right?)

My first boyfriend
Im going to tell you about my first boyfriend. Maybe you care
about my love life or maybe you dont, but whether or not you care about
my personal travails, the important thing here is how very typical my
story is. As I told you, Chinese girls lives and backgrounds are
remarkably similar. And my story here is the typical girl meets boy of
His name was Hong. I first noticed him when we were lining up
for the morning attendance check in high school. We were both 15. I just
thought he looked cute, with his spiky hair, biggish nose, and huge open
eyes. Id never talked to him, and as far as I knew, hed never noticed me.
Does this sound like typical teenage high school stuff, and are
you thinking that Chinese dating isnt so different from, say, American
dating? Sounds similar. But heres the key difference: the first time I
actually talked to him was two years later! For two years, in my mind he
was mine, even though Id never talked with him. And Im not an
unusually shy girl. But in China, boys and girls are so strongly separated
in schools and in social groups. Just talking to a boy is a big deal, a big
And what did I dream about when I thought Hong was mine?
Never once did I think about kissing or touching him. I wasnt that kind
of girl! What my deepest, darkest fantasies about Hong involved was us
living in a nice condo in Shanghai and raising a baby boy together. How
did we get that baby boy? Immaculate conception, probably, because
babymaking of any sort did not figure into my fantasies, nor into the
fantasies of any of my classmates. That's usually how it happens. We see
men as providers and fathers and husbands. We don't really explicitly
imagine sex. Or it's even a little bit scary, thinking that in order to get
past the marriage and wedding bit, there will actually be penetration of
our vaginas.
I had never even touched a boys hand. I dont think I even really

knew that a boy had a cock. Or maybe I knew that he had something down
there, but the whole subject was yucky and squirmy. That would sound
normal for, say, preteen girls in the Western world. But remember -- I
was 16, 17, 18! And so were my classmates! There was no sex ed, other
than the implicit dont even think about getting close to a boy. And
boys were off-limits and yucky and squirmy in their physicality, but
maybe worthwhile for raising babies (immaculately conceived) and
living together in Shanghai condo bliss.
Here's the shocker: Chinese girls don't masturbate. It's very
uncommon for a girl who's sexually inexperienced to masturbate. We're
taught, if anything at all about those parts of our bodies, just that they're
dirty and not supposed to be touched. And we're certainly not supposed to
be giving ourselves pleasure through them. Chinese boys masturbate like
all teenage boys, but it's still considered dirty and shameful. You don't
find Chinese high school boys talking in the lunchroom about the great
wank they had. There might be some awkward mentions and giggles and
tacit acknowledgement on the subject of male masturbation. The Chinese
slang term for male masturbation is "da fei ji," literally "hitting the
airplane," because it's like shooting an anti-aircraft gun. Female
masturbation isn't talked about much. There are some slang terms like
"going fishing" or "using a fish hook" to describe a woman fingering
herself, but it's not commonly used, nor commonly talked about. And
your average twentysomething Chinese girl has never, ever touched
herself in that way.
That means that a Chinese girl who hasn't had a boyfriend isn't
accustomed to sexual feelings or sexual touch of any sort. A usual
American girl has had either boyfriends or masturbatory self-education
about sexual touch by the time she's in her late teens, but not so for
Chinese girls. That also has something to do with her not being used to
foreplay. The first time you touch your girlfriend, she might not be so
used to someone arousing her nipples, her neck, and all her sensitive
spots. In the Western world, even if a woman doesn't have experience

with a man touching her clit or tweaking her nipples, she's done it for
herself enough. Not so in China.
Back now to my story. I was afraid to talk to Hong for those two
years when I "liked him," but keep in mind, he was also afraid to talk to
me! In Chinese society -- a little bit more so ten years ago than now, but
this still remains true -- a teenage boy, until the age of 16 or 17 or 18 or
so, who goes to talk to girls is not a stud or a popular guy, but a deviant
and a pervert. The usual Chinese slang term for such a person is "selong,"
meaning a colorful (se) wolf (long). Why a colorful wolf? A wolf is
considered an especially sexual animal in Chinese culture, kind of like a
"horny goat" or a "horny dog" in American culture. And "colorful"
meaning not full of beauty, but full of dangerous passions rising up to the
surface -- as opposed to the ideal behavioral standard of keeping your
passions, or your "colors" deep inside and never showing them (or better
yet, not even having them in the first place).
So is there no courting or eyeing in those teenage years? Sure,
theres some. Hormones are hormones, even in China, and boys and girls
do look at each other, but its rarely more than looking -- and then going
back to your same-sex friends to embarrassedly giggle (yes, boys do this
too, not only girls). There is, however, a hotbed of courting and eyeing all
through the teenage years and right into the twenties and sometimes
thirties -- not among young people, but among their parents! You might
have seen in movies or TV an official marriage market or
matchmaker -- well, thats out there, but thats not how parents usually
search for spouses (not mates or partners -- spouses) for their children.
Chinese people have a strong distrust of strangers, and prefer for
all contacts -- including marrying off the children -- to be with friends
and relatives. In fact, that is one key cultural perspective that you need to
become familiar with to understand Chinese girls and Chinese society. In
Western culture, people pride themselves on treating all others equally,
and on being friendly to strangers. Chinese culture is completely the
opposite. Strangers are distrusted, even hated. Ever heard of stranger

danger taught to US schoolkids? Well stranger danger is how all of

Chinese society operates! This also explains the common observation
from foreigners that its amazing how warm and friendly Chinese people
are to their close friends and family, compared with how heartless they
are to strangers. Its all part of the culture. And since in China you
wouldnt trust a stranger with asking the time of day (lest they use the
opportunity to gain some advantage against you), you definitely dont
trust an unknown stranger to date or marry your offspring!
So existing family and friendship and workplace connections are
the hunting grounds for making romantic matches for ones kids and
nieces and nephews. And yes, relatives who are deemed to be distant
enough to make things non-incestuous are often prodded to match their
offspring with ones own offspring. Wont you marry your beautiful
cousin? And as for friends, most any social gathering of Chinese adults
over 30 consists mostly of attempting to pair off one anothers children!
Or if over 50, bragging about how well youve married off your offspring.
Such parental matchmaking takes place without the childrens presence,
but usually with iphones full of photographs of their children -- and in the
case of a boys parents, photographs of his car, his apartment, his
workplace, his foreign travels, blah blah. Ive sometimes dreamed of
persuading an auntie to ask such a relative touting those photos to show a
photo of his, well, you know, but I dont think anyone would make such a
request even as a joke -- as it would condemn them as the parent of a very
naughty girl!
And so we Chinese people are sometimes called irrational in
Western culture. But our mate selection process is of the most rational
kind. We look at who has the most money, who has the best car, who has
the most earning prospects, and who has the whitest skin, who has the
shapeliest legs, who has the most prestigious educational background. Its
all quantifiable. Theres no notion of romance or chemistry.
Does a pair matched because of her white skin and his Mercedes
like each other? Well, how could they not, in Chinese parents eyes! What

more could you want from a partner? Maybe the guy wishes for a girl
with skin a little bit whiter, and maybe the girl wishes for a guy with a
Bentley instead of a Mercedes, but the parents tried and did their best,
and this was the best they could find!
So back to Hong. Hong and I were somewhat unusual as a
couple in China (if you can even call it that), because our parents didnt
know each other at all. Usually couples in China are guided toward one
another by relatives, or at the very least by relatives friends or
colleagues. Its like matchmaking anywhere in the world, the difference
being that in China most dating comes about through matchmaking, not
through people independently finding each other.
One night in my final year of high school, I confessed to my
mother that theres a boy I like. My mother acted as if Id just confessed
to having invited the Harlem Globetrotters over to my bedroom for a
gangbang. At that time, the farthest Ive gone with him was sometimes
studying together at a table. And sometimes his shirtsleeve would brush
against mine and it was electrifying and terrifying all at once, and I think
the feelings I got from that were the same feelings that a girl of similar
age in the US might get from her boyfriend hungrily licking her clit! Just
the feel of Hongs pants sometimes brushing up against my legs when we
were sitting on the same sofa was electrifying. And what did my mom
do? She more or less told me I'm a dirty slut, and I shouldn't think about
boys until I'm at least 20. And to forget about the topic. And that's it. Oh,
before she actually said to forget about the topic, she did ask me what
Hong's parents do for a living, and "what kind of family they are." I said
they didn't know. I knew something vague and unremarkable -- his
parents weren't bigshots, which is all that would've mattered to my mom
anyway. So I said I don't know what his parents do, and I don't think it's
anything special, and that pretty much sealed Hong's fate with my
mother, and the discussion's fate with my mother as well. She told me not
to think about boys and never to bring up Hong again.
For most Chinese girls, that is likely to really be the end of the

discussion. But I was always kind of rebellious. Maybe this is where my

story is not typical. Up to this point, up to and including my mom's
prohibition, it was strictly typical. And my mom's refusal to accept my
very real interest in Hong made me want him all the more.
I hatched a plan. Hong and I were in the same English class. We
were both among the best students in that class, although not the absolute
best. That pride of place belonged to a guy named Dong. (Don't laugh.
Dong is a common Chinese first name.) In every class, the teacher said
Dong this, Dong that. How great Dong was at English. Well, I wanted to
use that situation, and Hong's natural pride, to my own romantic
One day, when Hong and I happened to be the only students in a
hallway, I approached him. One-on-one, not the usual Chinese style of
approaching through friends and relatives. I approached him and casually
explained to him that I'd like to improve my learning of English and I'm
tired of Dong getting all the acclaim in our class. And that I have heard of
some coffeeshops in the Pudong area where foreigners like to hang out.
(Hey, in Chinese teenagers' mindsets, all foreigners are fluent English
speakers!) And -- this is the part that took monumental bravery on my
part -- would he like to maybe go to those coffeeshops with me on
Sunday, of course, strictly for the purpose of meeting foreigners and
improving our English? This is really, really forward behavior for a
Chinese girl! Maybe it would even be forward behavior for an American
The good news is that Hong accepted. We agreed to meet at a bus
stop close to the area of these coffeeshops. We'd both bring enough of our
lunch money to be able to buy some coffee or tea or whatever other
exotic drinks were on offer to foreigners (traditionally, Chinese people
don't drink coffee).
Like any teenage girl, all I could think about until that Sunday
was my "date" (ha ha) with Hong. I even went on a three-day crash diet to
make myself slimmer and therefore more beautiful. Crazy, right? Well, I

was a teenager! Understand me!

That fateful Sunday, we met at the bus stop. And we went off in
search of a coffeeshop. We found one. We ordered our drinks and sat
down. And we both even had our notebooks and pens with us, because
after all, this was a study meeting. I don't know to what degree either of
us really believed it to be a study meeting or saw it all as pretextual and
plausible deniability. But we definitely had our notebooks and pens with
So the next step: let's approach some foreigners! Oh, this is
where we stumbled. Because as brave as I had been in approaching Hong
in the school hallway, there is no way I was going to talk to any of these
foreigners sitting there. And there were some. All were white, all were
male, all appeared to be about three times our age, in their forties or
fifties. Not that we could tell foreigners' ages, really -- we considered all
of them to be around "uncle" age, so who knows if any of these "uncles"
were in actuality twentysomethings! At that point, neither one of us had
actually ever met or talked to a real foreigner. Seen walking by on the
street, sure. But not actually interacted with.
Hong commented to me how this was a great idea, but that he was
too nervous to actually talk to any of the foreigners. I concurred. As
nervous as he was, I was probably nervous-er. We just sat there with our
iced teas, trying to sneak peeks at foreigners out of the corners of our
eyes. Actually, that was already exotic enough. Not only was I on a
"date," but there were foreigners within eyeballing distance of me! And
Hong and I were sharing the moment together. Which, more importantly
than the foreigners, naturally gave us the start of something like a
And here's where I came up with an even more brilliant idea. We
don't need foreigners to speak English. Let's practice English with each
other! And we made a rule: whenever we're in these coffee shops, we only
speak English! We would speak English even to the ladies taking our
order and to the cashiers, and even if we bumped into our Chinese friends

there, it was going to be all in English! Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. But it

worked. It did improve our English to some extent. More importantly,
though, it worked to give me an innocent activity to do with Hong. When
I went to meet him, I told my parents I was "going studying," and took
my pens and pencils and notebook. He did the same. And we didn't tell
our classmates anything. They would have considered us a couple of
wanton perverts for going on a boy-and-girl date meeting. Really. But we
did have a plan that if somehow our classmates saw us, we would just say
that we were practicing English, and their reactions shouldn't be too bad.
Anyway, any risk of ridicule was still not enough to dissuade me from the
I was indeed a pretty brave girl. And by that time, after two
months of weekly "English practice" meetings with Hong, I had started
realizing that there's something that men and women or boys and girls do
together in private. I wasn't completely oblivious to sex, but pretty close
to it. And I started having thoughts about what would happen if Hong and
I tried to do whatever it is that boys and girls do. I'm sure Hong was
thinking the same. Once I had worn jean shorts to our meeting, and I
caught him staring at my long, white-skinned legs. And probably my
teenage ass. It was on. At the time, I didn't really know what "it" was, but
I knew it was on.
I planned for the day well in advance, and it filled me with dread
and fear. As we were starting that Sunday's 11 A.M. English practice
meeting, I casually asked Hong if he wanted to end our usual two-hour
session after one hour and go somewhere else for a bit. His face said "I
hope this is what I hope this is, but I don't think it is." It turned out being
that. I had found a small hotel just behind the coffee shop. Its name
translated as "Lantern." The hotel was mostly used by mid-level office
workers on business trips. It wasn't a fancy place, but it was clean and
acceptable. And at the one-hour mark, I casually strolled with Hong
toward that hotel. I even paid (I had been the one preparing for this whole
adventure) in advance at the front desk (by the way, credit cards still

aren't in common use in China, and definitely not so when I was a

teenager about ten years ago).
We had our room key. In the elevator up, he looked ecstatic and
bewildered. I gave him a big smile, like "we both know it." Once we got
into the room, I can't say it was romantic. Hong started grabbing at me,
obviously playing out what he'd wanted to do for a long time, grabbing
and feeling every part of my body as he tugged my clothes off. He sighed
and moaned as his hands reached for my butt, ran over my thighs, and
slipped into my bra. Of course I had to help him undo the bra strap.
He took off his shoes, socks, pants, and underwear, and continued
to undress me. He looked at my naked body in front of him. It was heaven
for him. I knew it. A slim, white-skinned, relatively tall, virgin high
school girl, standing in front of him, near naked. And his erection was
obvious. While still groping me, he pushed me down on the bed and he
lay on top of me. And I felt something hot and wet suddenly squirt all
over my thighs. I screamed and thought Hong had peed on me. Hong
looked even more bewildered than before, as we both looked with shock
at the gooey stuff spread all over my thighs.
Yes, Hong came early. Way early. When we were just getting our
clothes off. It was his first time, by far! He hadn't even touched a girl
then. Please excuse and forgive him. I, of course, didn't have any chance
of an orgasm. Not that day, and not on subsequent meetings.
Were you hoping for cuddles after the act? Unfortunately not.
Not only is it rare for Chinese guys to do that, but it's rare for a high
school virgin boy of any nationality to do that! So after we toweled
ourselves off, we awkwardly rushed downstairs, returned our room key
(could it have been any more obvious to the desk staff what we'd been
doing?), and rushed back to the bus stop, back to our respective waiting
But we had more meetings at the "Lantern." We called these
meetings "Lantern." And while we did still go to coffeeshops, we did
develop a Sunday routine of "Lanterning." Although the first time we

went there, I was overwhelmed by the excitement of the moment and

didn't think about things like pregnancy, on subsequent times, I didn't like
the idea of Hong finishing inside me. I made him promise to always
finish outside. Somehow condoms hadn't crossed either of our minds -there is no safe sex education in China. He mostly managed to control
himself, but sometimes, just for play, I would wriggle my body under
him just a bit more while he was inside me, sliding under him skin-onskin, and I knew it would make him come unexpectedly. I was a naughty
girl, right?
Had anyone found out, I would've been kicked out of school, not
to mention ostracized by our peers and our families. We might not even
be accepted to university. Yes, that's how repressive these things are, or
at least were, in China. But no one found out. It was just us at the coffee
shop. And Lanterning. Every Sunday.
In school, we made sure no one would suspect anything, so we
treated each other as we'd always done -- slightly familiar but not too
much so. And definitely not anything like "boyfriend and girlfriend" in
the American definition! At the hotel, we mostly explored each other's
bodies. We even studied kissing by watching foreign movies, and tried to
imitate it, but it felt like funny tongue-wriggling to us.
And so it went on until the end of high school, and until we were
about to ship off to university. Actually, we were lucky to have been from
Shanghai, because I think only in Shanghai would this Lanterning have
gone unnoticed. In a smaller town in China, or even in Beijing, too many
eyebrows would have been raised by two teenagers checking into a hotel
room together on Sundays. Well, maybe it helped that Hong "made
friends with" (paid small bribes to) the hotel desk employees, well
concerned of our privacy. He was acting mature beyond his years,
because every Chinese person knows the routine of having to slip
someone a bribe in order not to be reported to the police -- the only
slightly unusual thing about this bit of bribe-paying is that we were

As the school term ended, both of our respective families had

plans for us before our respective university educations began. Had this
been an American movie, maybe you could think that the families had
been talking behind the scenes, and plotting to surreptitiously split us up,
rather than confront us about it directly. No way. Any Chinese parent
would confront their child very directly, and with physical force, if they
found out such a thing. So our families really didn't know, and they really
just wanted us to spend the summers with our grandparents and relatives
outside of Shanghai before the university term began.
As for university, I went to study in Beijing and Hong went to
Sanya (Hainan Island). I don't even remember the last time Hong and I
saw each other in person. We half-heartedly communicated with each
other by phone text messages (SMS) when we were university students,
but we were both growing into our respective separate university lives.

Dating, China style

As I've mentioned, most "dates" in China are initiated by friends
and relatives of the couple-to-be. It is exceedingly rare for strangers to
approach one another in China -- whether for dating or asking street
directions or anything else. Stranger danger! That's at the top of all
Chinese people's minds.
And most often, the "first date" is not set up as a one-on-one
meeting between the two. That would be too explicit and direct. Almost
always, it is a group dinner party, usually held at a restaurant, by a group
of friends of colleagues, and making sure to invite both parties of the
couple-to-be. Most often, neither one of them will know that they're
being set up by their friends, but it won't be a complete shock, as it's
pretty expected that many dinner parties are held with the purpose of
setting someone up. (By the way, dinner parties held in someone's home
are very rare among Chinese people in China, aside from those who are
very Westernized or those who have opulent homes with servants. Almost
all dinner parties are held at restaurants. So please don't be offended
when you're never invited to your Chinese friends' homes for dinner!)
At that first-meeting dinner party, you usually place some pretext
for the couple-to-be to have some interaction. Maybe you seat them next
to each other. Or across from each other. And then maybe everyone
agrees to start a conversation about, say, a common interest that both of
the parties have, so that they have some chance to talk with each other
directly. Do you see how much handholding is involved here? Doesn't it
remind you of parents setting playdates for toddlers back in the west?
Yes, to a large extent, Chinese people expect a lot of handholding and
supervision when first venturing into dating.
If the couple-to-be hits it off, they will be expected to, sometimes
with the help of their friends, exchange QQ numbers and maybe phone
numbers. (Do you know what QQ is? QQ is an instant messaging system
where the user id's are numbers, similar to phone numbers. For most

Chinese people, their QQ number is a central part of their communication

identity, while a phone number is pretty much disposable.) They'll be
expected to be in touch on their own.
What is being in touch on their own? The man contacting the
woman to ask for a date, of course. Almost always an expensive dinner -for him to show her his ability to be a provider. And, as I've already told
you, he has to bring to this expensive dinner an expensive gift. Maybe a
phone or a handbag or something. And give it to her and tell her that it's
really nothing (to emphasize how prosperous he is) and it's just a small
gift for her (even though he just spent his whole monthly salary on it,
And so what happens other than the gift-giving and the dinnereating? There's conversation that is usually centered on those wonderfully
practical things. The man will detail his job prospects, salary history, and
investment portfolio. I'm not joking. He will sometimes have pictures of
real estate he owns or iphone screens of his stock portfolio to show on
first dates. Really, I'm not joking. The woman will detail her virginity
and innocence and desire to be a good wife. Both will speak in
hagiographic tones of their parents -- not because they love their parents,
and not because their parents are necessarily so great, but because the
"quality" of the parents is a big part of the "quality" of the package deal
of the spouse you're marrying. So while saying that your
mom/dad/uncle/grandma is a jerk might be ok casual date conversation in
the first world, in China, it brands you as defective merchandise, because
your family line is part of what you're offering your prospective marriage
Did you notice that I just said "marriage partner," and not
boyfriend/girlfriend? How did I get from there to here? The answer is that
there's really no dating for dating's sake in China, not even in 2014. The
goal is always going to be marriage. Saying that you want to date but
don't plan on getting married is like saying that you... are cooking a meal
but don't plan to eat it. (And that would mean you run a restaurant / are a

prostitute, right?)
There's always an end goal in mind, even if it's not exactly
marriage. Marriage is of course the most common one. But another
common arrangement is "paid dating" or being a mistress. Men in China
are known to pay $100,000 USD per month (yes, USD, and yes, per
month) for a mistress, though a figure around $5,000 - $10,000 USD per
month is more usual. That, to some women, is almost as good, or even
better than, having that man as a husband.
If you are a foreign man, saying that you're not interested in
marriage will be even more of a death knell for you than it would be for a
Chinese man. Remember how Chinese men value virginity, or at the very
least, very limited sexual experience for their brides-to-be? Well, it's
assumed that any Chinese woman who has dated a foreign man has had
sex with him, and perhaps also his roommates, and perhaps also his dad.
Yes, that's pretty much the assumption. So if a Chinese woman is going
to be seriously dating a Western man and be seen with him, she had better
be sure there is marriage coming, because it pretty much kills her chances
with Chinese men. In fact, there are common stories of Chinese women
being dumped by their Western boyfriends and completely changing
cities and even circles of friends, just to erase their past "secret sin" of
having dated a foreigner -- and therefore regain their chances with
Chinese men. Well, these days, the internet knows all, but these women
do try.

"Bride price": the dowry is alive and well

Did you think dowries were something that only happened in
Victorian novels or in Bollywood movies? Well, China has them still, and
does it ever.
A "bride price," or dowry, is explicitly negotiated between the
groom and the bride's family. While Westerners would be shocked at
being so up-front about it, it is a common sight in China to see a groom
begging a bride's parents to allow him to get away with paying only a
certain dowry he can afford, while the parents remind him how desirable
their daughter is, and how many rich men would empty their bank
accounts for her, and that he must pay a much higher price. This sounds
downright medieval to you, right?
In fact, if the symbolism were not already too blatant for you, on
the morning of the wedding, the groom and his party are expected to
approach the bride's family's house and slip money through the front
door, negotating an amount to open the door -- with the bride's family
ritualistically complaining that (no matter how much is offered) it's very
small and not enough money.
How much is a typical dowry? These days Chinese society is so
stratified that it's hard to talk about a middle range. Ten years ago, when I
was graduating from high school, I know a pretty good dowry was 10,000
yuan, about $1,500 USD. These days, forget it! I don't think even the
poorest of the poor would except "only" that much! I think an average
dowry in China nowadays is around 100,000 yuan, about $15,000 USD.
It's often the bulk of the groom's life savings. And dowries in the millions
of USD are certainly not unheard of.
There's some sense of economic rationality here (see, I really
have an MBA), because once a woman has been married, she is pretty
much used-up goods, and no other man will marry her. So the dowry is
something like good-faith money or insurance that the man gives to show
his true commitment. Or, put differently: have you ever heard the story of

how a car loses X percent of its value the moment you drive it off the
dealership's lot? Well, in Chinese society, a woman loses about 80% of
her value the moment she's been married! So the dowry is compensation
for that.
When is there no dowry? Sometimes a woman is considered so
undesirable that there's no talk of a dowry. This is usually true if she's
divorced (see above!) or has been a prostitute or for some other reason is
"worthless" in terms of Chinese dowry calculations. Also, very very
rarely (and I mean very) rarely, a couple may show how modern and
international and Westernized they are by refusing the ritual of a dowry -although as far as I've heard, what that usually means is that the dowry is
settled between the two sets of parents in private, without the couple's

Round the bases

Americans know the baseball analogy about sex. Chinese people
have also seen it in American movies and tv shows, and Chinese people
(especially online) have developed their own version.
First base - holding hands
Second base - kissing
Third base - groping with clothes on
Home plate - sexual intercourse
You can see how little foreplay there is. And you can be sure that
most typically, each "base" is accompanied by the woman whining and
crying that she doesn't want to do that because she's a good girl, and the
man more or less forcing himself on her. Is it a "rape culture"? Maybe.
That's how it's been for likely thousands of years. Don't kill the

All your man is belong to us

How do we Chinese girls get men? Foreign men or Chinese men?
Why do most married foreign men who come to China end up divorcing
their non-Chinese wives? Is it some kind of natural allure Chinese women
have? I dont think it's any kind of natural allure at all. I think it's just
being more calculative and shameless in how we go about this business.
Think about history. Even relatively recent history. Aside from a
brief spurt of Maoist gender-equality rhetoric -- which was really just
rhetoric, not put into practice -- China has had four thousand years of
women not being able to get ahead by any way other than by luring a
man. In all of China's history, it has been ruled by a woman for only one
brief and historically questionable period (Empress Wu Ze Tian, 624-705
CE), and even that empress got to where she was only by luring a man.
So when all you've got is one tool at your disposal, don't you
learn to use it really well? We Chinese women have been honing that tool
for all four thousand or so years of Han Chinese civlization.
Western culture emphasizes being your true self, speaking your
mind, and not being two-faced. Chinese culture would say that you'd be
crazy to speak your mind and expose your true feelings to anyone you're
trying to convince of anything. It is expected that a woman (and also a
man) would put on her best "game face" right up until the moment of
marriage and some kind of big financial benefit from a man. That's just
the right way to live -- according to Chinese culture -- and not being
sneaky or devious, as Western culture would have it.
That's why foreign men always think Chinese women are so
demure, so feminine, so sensitive to their needs, so selfless, so loving...
and then after those Chinese women marry them, they are considered so
selfish, so greedy, so inconsiderate, and so on. A Chinese man would say,
"well of course! she can be herself now that she's got you on the hook!"
but a Western man would be surprised at what he considers to be

Chinese women are great at sensing what men want and shaping
their behavior to it. Western women would most often be disgusted by the
idea. What are some examples? Most Chinese women are studied at
making their voices a few octaves higher when they are in the dating
stage and trying to attract men! They also try to act "cute" or like
innocent little girls. Chinese men know that this is an act, but they enjoy
it, while Western men have no idea that it's all a game.
This also comes down to personal appearance. Western women
go to the gym for reasons of personal health and fitness and looking good
and fitting into their newest dress. But few Western women would ever
admit that their only (or even primary) reason to go to the gym is to
attract men. I don't think I've ever met a Chinese woman in a gym in
China who would be going there for any reason otherthan making her
body more attractive to men! That is why almost all Chinese exercises for
women are meant for specific goals of physical proportions and
appearance -- such as having leaner legs -- and not more Western goals
such as increasing muscle tone or lowering blood pressure.
And it also comes down to daily interactions. A Chinese girl
knows exactly what to say to a man. That even includes always telling
Western men that she only likes Western men and Chinese men are no
good (and likely telling Chinese men the reverse). What's her opinion on
an issue? Whatever your opinion is, of course! Some girls really do have
opinions but know to hide them, while other girls don't care to form an
opinion, because there's no practical advantage to having one, when all
the practical advantage is in pretending to have the same opinion as the
man she's pursuing.

Sex, China style, and how to please a Chinese girl in

Whats it like inside the bedroom in China when we actually do
have sex? Do we have some kind of ancient kung-fu positions? Or is it all
prim-and-proper missionary position?
I think one big difference is how long it takes from initial
meeting to actual sex, and how coy girls will be about admitting that they
actually want to get fucked. Those are more differences in the lead-up to
sex than in the actual sex. A Chinese guy has to spend at least a few
weeks, sometimes a few months, courting a girl before he can even feel
her up. And some girls, those who are supremely confident of their ability
to keep a guy reeled in without providing him too much in the physical
department, will abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage. No,
we're not living in storybook China where premarital sex is a myth. But
premarital sex is still frowned upon, and many girls, even well-educated
urban girls, prefer to be virgins until marriage -- not because they have a
religious or moral belief, but usually because they know that being a
virgin can be a very attractive thing to a guy.
But I think the main difference between Chinese and American
sex, once were actually down and doing it, is oral. Chinese guys, the
same Chinese guys who will buy an Iphone for a girl just to ask her out,
dont eat pussy. They dont want to pollute their virgin mouths with the
taste of a girls vagina. They think its disgusting and dirty, on the same
level as ass-eating. If youre an expert pussy-eater, you can wow your
Chinese girlfriend in bed -- if she lets you do that horrid dirty thing in the
first place, and once you teach her to enjoy it! Actually, these days,
thanks to Sex and the City and similar outposts of Western culture, most
Chinese girls know that Western women expect cunnilingus to start any
sex session.
Think this is good news, and youre booking the next flight to
China? Well, not so fast, tongueboy. Because not only do Chinese guys

not eat pussy, but Chinese girls dont suck cock. Sorry. Its considered
whorish. In fact, in China, there are specific brothels, officially called
barber shops, that married men go to for blowjobs. Vaginal sex is not
the main attraction there, because married men can get that from their
wives, but blowjobs are, because most Chinese wives dont like to suck
Anal sex? Unheard of. Sorry. I can't guarantee that no Chinese
girl will ever be into it, but I just don't imagine it happening. There are
always vicious rumors circulating in China about whatever girl happens
to be hot stuff with guys at the moment that the way she preserves her
"virginity" is by only having anal sex with all her boyfriends. But those
are vicious rumors, meant to defame, because anyone having anal sex
would be very much castigated by society. I don't think anal sex has any
acceptance in Chinese society.
In fact, anything other than vaginal intercourse, including
foreplay, in general is not a big thing for Chinese men, nor women.
Traditionally, Chinese sex is just vaginal intercourse, missionary style.
Having sex usually means the man pulling the womans clothes off,
and the woman protesting, but not so much as to actually stop him, and
then the man sticking his penis in the womans vagina and pumping until
he orgasms. She's unlikely to orgasm. The man might grab the womans
breasts a bit or feel her butt, and thats about it for sensuous foreplay. Of
course, that is traditional sex in China, and what you would find for most
Chinese people; younger people (say, born after 1990) and those with
more exposure and acceptance of foreign ways have some different ideas.
One disturbing aspect of Chinese sexual culture is that rape is
considered "the man being strong" and is not really condemned if it's
done by a boyfriend or husband, not a stranger. Yes, "she wanted it" or
"look at how she's dressed" or "she looks like a slut, so she deserved it" is
still current in China. And on the flip side, don't be surprised if a Chinese
girlfriend tells you "I want you to rape me." That's outside the bounds of
regular everyday sexual behavior for most first-worlders, but in China,

rape is just a man asserting himself and being strong and masculine, and
a woman might like some kind of "rape" sex play. And I know rape is
morally wrong. I'm not defending it. Don't kill the messenger, because
just as with everything else in this book, I'm telling you how it is. I can't
change the culture, even if I'm Chinese.
So you know that once they're in bed -- and after they've done
perhaps weeks or months or even years of buying the girl everything she
wants and holding her handbag in the shopping mall -- Chinese men for
the most part don't do much foreplay and like to just "stick it in" like a
horny American eighth-grader. That means that a Chinese man doesn't
place much attention on the woman's vagina. He is very, very unlikely to
eat her out. That's considered disgusting and dirty. Put it like this: asking
a Chinese guy to eat your vagina is like asking a white guy to eat your
ass. Same kind of reaction. And same likelihood of acceptance. Meaning
that, there are some guys who are into it, but it's uncommon.
And because their vaginas are unlikely to have their boyfriends'
close oral inspection, Chinese girls don't pay much attention to keeping
their vaginas clean and beautiful. Shaving is rare. Yes, most Chinese girls
have forests, or at leasts bushes, "down there." We Chinese aren't as hairy
as Westerners, but still, the public hair might grow quite a bit, and
Chinese girls almost never, ever shave or trim their pubic hair.
In traditional Chinese culture, shaved pubic hair was the mark of
a prostitute. Nowadays, it's considered the mark of a very sexually active
or "naughty" girl -- and in reality, the only girls who shave or trim their
pubic hair are girls who have had (or maybe who want to have) foreign
boyfriends. Some foreign guy has likely persuaded her to shave that
mess. But without that foreign guy's persuasion, it's unlikely that a
Chinese girl would ever shave her snatch. My guess (although I've never
inspected myself) is that even prostitutes don't shave their pubic hair,
because even a hooker doesn't want to look like a hooker!
So there's the bushy pubic hair. And, especially for rural girls,
there's going to be leg hair and underarm hair. Sorry. Traditionally

Chinese girls don't shave their legs and their underarms. My guess is that
if you gently get her to like oral sex, she might also get to trim her vagina
for you, if you can connect the two. See, we Chinese people are all about
calculating the benefits.
Don't take this to mean that you have to follow the Chinese script
when having sex with a Chinese girl. I'm just telling you what the usual
script is. You're a foreign guy, so you're expected to be a bit different.
You can show her something new. You can teach her to learn to like you
eating her out -- start slowly and don't tongue her clit right away, and
you'll be ok. And maybe you can get her to like sucking your cock too.
Remember that all oral sex is considered "dirty" in Chinese culture, so it
will help if your cock is pristinely clean and smells good and all that
stuff, to make her not associate it with "dirty."
She might be scared to let you lick her vagina. I suggest you start
by kissing her breasts and nipples. Chinese guys do do that, well to the
extent that they do foreplay at all, so she might be culturally more
accustomed to it than she would be to cunnilingus. But more importantly,
Chinese girls tend to have smaller breasts and therefore more sensitive
breasts and nipples than white girls -- so you might open her up to a
world of intense pleasure by pleasuring her breasts. I know I like it.
(Oops, am I revealing too much?) In an atypically frank conversation
with a fellow Chinese girl who emigrated to the US, she told me how she
can orgasm just from her boyfriend sucking and licking her breasts. No
vaginal stimulation required. That's maybe slightly unusual, but it still
gives you a good tip on what to do.
Make sure you comment positively on all aspects of her body.
Remember how unforgiving Chinese culture is to any "defects." Any girl
will be mortally embarrassed about a bit of flab she has somewhere, or a
birthmark, or a surgical scar, or anything like that -- in fact, she might
keep that part of her body covered up as much as she can, even during the
sex act. If the girl is indeed covering up a part of her body like that, or
refuses to remove some part of clothing, that's probably what's going on.

You have to gently reassure her that her whole body, including that part
she's embarrassed about (more like ashamed of) is beautiful and perfect
in her eyes. And gently kiss and touch her body -- kisses and touches that
she might not be so used to from Chinese guys, who are not so into
Once you've warmed her up by slowly kissing and appreciating
her body, the actual vaginal penetration happens, you're going to be in for
a bit of a surprise. If you take out a condom, the girl might be offended.
You see, condoms are rarely used by Chinese couples. They are
associated with protecting yourself from disease when you're with a
hooker, or maybe for a one-night stand. Almost all Chinese couples go
bareback. Abortion is plentifully available in China, so that's the usual
mode of "birth control." As I said, I'm only telling you what the culture
is, not defending it. And don't think STDs are unknown in China, because
they're rampant. Gonorrhea and herpes are absolutely rampant, though
HIV is rare. And people don't really know what herpes is. They think it's
"just a rash" or something. So be careful out there. If you're into bareback
sex and creaming inside your girlfriend, China is the right place for you.
But just be careful.

About chinese hookers

I thought I'd give this section an obvious title. Unfortunately, in
the US, many people associate Chinese women with prostitution. Well,
there's some truth to that. Recent immigrants do go into prostitution. And
for whatever reason, many of the Chinese women who come to the US do
become prostitutes. And more than that -- prostitution is more common
in China than in the West. In China, if a single man checks into any hotel
that's not a high-security five-star hotel, he will soon receive many phone
calls and business cards offering him prostitutes; that is rare, if not
unheard of, in the Western first world.
So what's the deal with Chinese culture and hookers? First off:
visiting prostitutes is, for Chinese men, a fun social activity, not
something shameful or secretive or deviant. It's maybe even more
acceptable in Chinese culture than visiting strip clubs is acceptable in
American culture. I would guess that if you talk to middle-aged male
office workers, a bigger fraction of the Chinese guys regularly see
prostitutes, than the fraction of the white American guys who go to strip
clubs. And that partly goes back to my point about Chinese people being
pretty homogenous. If something is a "popular" or "common" behavior in
China, it's usually not 50% or 60% of people (in this case, men) who do
it; it's more like 95%. And the ones who don't do it are considered
In America, there's an idea that visiting prostitutes is something
done by a lone pervert wearing a trenchcoat and sneaking around alleys,
performing a shameful act. Well, in Chinese culture, it's more like groups
of guys going out to have a good time, to visit some prostitutes. It's pretty
similar to, in American culture, groups of guys going to a strip club or
Las Vegas or something like that. In fact, there are cities in China that are
primarily known for their prostitution, and groups of male tourists go
there exclusively to visit prostitutes. Dongguan is one such city;
prostitution is almost the only viable industry there. Outside mainland

China, Hong Kong and Macau draw mainlander men who want "higher
class" prostitutes. In fact, many travel agents in China that target Chinese
people (not the ones for foreigners) sell "all inclusive" travel packages -including airfare, hotel, and prostitutes! That's how normal "going for
hookers" is. And you know how it's said in America that most of the
internet is for porn? There's a lot of porn on the Chinese internet, but the
most popular activity for most Chinese men online -- other than playing
shooting games -- is discussing and reviewing prostitutes. One popular
form is, which you can browse to see what I'm talking about,
and you can find many, many others.
Remember how American culture stigmatizes going to see
prostitutes, while Chinese culture doesn't? Well, there's something of a
reversal for the prostitutes themselves. Most Americans see prostitutes as
women who are in bad situations, addicted to drugs, abused by pimps, and
so on, and trying to get by. There is something of an undercurrent of
condemnation, but I think it's not that strong. Well -- in China, it's the
opposite. Prostitutes are seen as the worst kind of bad girls. Usually law
enforcement activity in the Chinese world is focused on exposing the
"evil" prostitutes, and not at all on the men who visit them. Every
Chinese prostitute most fears being recognized and publicly shamed as a
prostitute -- that's why the Chinese police love to take photos of
prostitutes during busts, and then send them to newspapers (of course,
those photos can be "lost" if the prostitute pays the proper "fee"). So,
selling prostitution is a lot more shamed and stigmatized in Chinese
culture than in American culture.
I'm not telling you that because I want to lecture you about
Chinese culture or make dinner-party conversation. I'm telling you that
for a very real reason: foreign men tend to have a lot of contact with
Chinese prostitutes. And here's the key difference. Chinese men visit
prostitutes, but would never, ever, ever knowingly date or marry
prostitutes. White American men would. One of the stereotypes of
foreign men among Chinese people is that they would go on dates with

hookers, take hookers home to them, bring hookers to meet their family,
and marry and have kids with hookers. There's the American idea of
"everyone is equal, and some people are just down on their luck." There's
the idea of "saving her." And of course there's that movie "Pretty
Woman." All of these Western cultural tropes would be seen as utterly
incomprehensible in Chinese culture.
There's a Chinese saying about this: "You can drink milk, but
don't bring the cow home with you." And what I'm telling you is that if
your Chinese girlfriend or wife has ever been involved in prostitution,
Chinese people will never, ever stop snickering at you and considering
you ridiculous and very foolish, and being tricked by her. And Chinese
people, unlike foreigners, are very, very good at identifying prostitutes or
ex-prostitutes. In fact, there are many stories in China of foreigners
bringing their "girlfriend" to a dinner gathering or business function, and
then after that gathering or function noticing that their Chinese friends or
colleagues don't invite them to any more gatherings. The foreigners
wonder why. And I'll tell you why right away: it's because everyone
knows you brought a hooker to their gathering, and in Chinese culture,
that's a big no-no.
I'm not telling you what to do. As far as I'm concerned, you can
marry a hooker and be happy with it. Just don't expect Chinese society to
be ok with it. If your wife or girlfriend is a prostitute, you must be
prepared to always be looked down upon and shunned by Chinese society,
much the same way your wife or girlfriend herself is. Sure, I know it's
hypocritical. The same society that encourages men to visit prostitutes
condemns the women selling the service. I know. As I said before, I don't
make the rules. I'm only telling you about them.
What are the tip-offs Chinese people use to identify prostitutes or
ex-prostitutes? A tattoo is a big one. Any Chinese woman with a tattoo is
or has been a prostitute. There's just no exception to this rule. Smoking
cigarettes, especially for a woman from a rural background, is another big
tipoff. (Somehow city girls are more likely to take up smoking even if

they're not prostitutes. For country girls, that's unlikely.) Living in China
and knowing and casually using colloquial English terms for sex acts
("blowjob" or "tits" or "dick") might be another tipoff. (Well, there's girls
like me who always liked to watch American movies... but even if we
know those words, we'd never be casually using them around our
boyfriends.) And remember how I said Chinese girls usually don't give or
receive oral sex? Well, if you go into the bedroom with a Chinese girl
you just met, and she starts off by sucking your cock -- you have to ask
yourself where she learned that, because normally, that doesn't happen
outside of paid sex in China.
The other funny thing is that if a Chinese girl knows a lot about
safe sex, it is likely she's been involved with prostitution. Chinese girls
just don't learn about safe sex normally, as there's almost no sex
education in school, and condom use is very rare outside the world of
prostitution. Most condom use in China is between customers and
Now suppose you're reading all this and waiting for me to get to
the good part. I've rambled enough about Chinese culture and
stigmatization of prostitutes and so on. Now what if you came to this part
of the book wanting information on how to actually get some Chinese
prostitutes? The answer is the same in the US as in China: visit a Chinese
karaoke or massage sauna shop. In China, almost all karaoke and massage
shops involve prostitution. In the US, not all Chinese-run/owned karaoke
and massage shops have prostitution, but a good many do. But if you visit
China, as I said before, just checking in to your hotel as a single man
sends enough of a signal that you are a ripe customer for hookers. You
will get many offers right in your hotel room.
If you want to ask for a hooker, you can ask for "xiaojie" in
Chinese. That literally means "girl" (well, most literally, it means
"younger big sister"), but in mainland China, the word is only used for
prostitutes. (Outside of mainland China, it's normal to address any
woman as "xiaojie." Don't do that in China! You might get slapped!) The

word is pretty neutral, although any word referring to prostitutes is

already necessarily kind of negatively loaded in Chinese culture. The
more vulgar term is "ji," literally meaning "chicken." It would be pretty
rude to call an actual prostitute "ji," (just like in English, you wouldn't
tell a prostitute "I would like a whore"), but it's the word guys might use
when talking about prostitutes (just like in English, guys might say "I got
a whore last night."). And, maybe most importantly, "ji" is the term
Chinese people will snidely use to make fun of your girlfriend or wife if
they suspect of her being a prostitute or ex-prostitute.

Are Chinese Men Really Wife-Beating Abusers?

Listen to any white man who has or wants to have a Chinese
girlfriend or wife, and youll hear one refrain: Chinese men are abusive
wife-beaters, and white men are Chinese womens saviors. Is this true?
Yes and no. Or, more accurately: mostly no, but with a big dash of yes.
Theres a few things at work here. The first is that often the
Chinese women that seek out white men are the ones who have had bad
experiences with Chinese men. Thats not only because they want
something different, but also because white men are more accepting of a
woman with a past than Chinese men are. Theres also the fact that
Chinese women that are most interested in white men tend to be the ones
who are less desirable in Chinese culture -- remember this lecture that we
already had? They are less desirable, so they are expected to put up with
more crap from men, and put up with crappier men. Yes, in that way,
Chinese culture is quite unrelenting and merciless. Youre ugly, so put
up with abuse. I know thats shocking to Western sensibilities, but it is
pretty much in line with correct Chinese thinking.
Now, how do we reconcile all that with Chinese men giving an
iphone 6 to a woman just to get a lunch date with her? (Im sorry for
repeatedly bringing up that example, but its really true, and it really
correctly encapsulates so much about the Chinese dating world!)
Well, one thing is the very Chinese distinction of maintaining the
proper face for the proper situation. Westerners would call that being
two faced as if it were a bad thing, but again, for Chinese culture, that
is proper behavior. Theres a famous Chinese saying about womens
experience of men: Before you marry him, every man is a mouse; after
you marry him, every man is a general. And rationally speaking, from
the mens perspective, why shouldnt it be so? Once a woman is already
married or otherwise committed to you (lost her virginity, bore children,
etc), why should you continue groveling? That is also why in the initial
stages, Chinese men are so willing to put in so much effort for so little

reward -- if they get to the later stages, the payoffs will be all theirs, kind
So a Chinese guy who wants to get in good with a girl will
indubitably get her iphones and handbags and all that stuff. And Chinese
guys in dating mode are the sweetest, most romantic guys I have ever
encountered. Do you hear that, American, Canadian, Cameroonian, Sri
Lankan, and New Caledonian guys? Chinese guys have all of you beat, by
about a thousand miles. In the dating stage. Its pretty common to see a
Chinese guy in a shopping mall in China, meekly following behind his
girlfriend, carrying her handbag (Chinese guys always carry their
girlfriends handbags), and taking out gobs of cash (always cash in
China!) for whatever trinkets she might point to. Its groveling, but it
more or less stops, and to some degree reverses direction, after marriage.
So what about the specific allegation of physical abuse? I do
think that a man beating up his wife is less shocking in China than in the
US. Things are changing, but theres still a difference. There is
condemnation in Chinese society, but not the utter shock and
reprehension you'd find in first-world Western countries. Much of that,
however, is just because physical violence in everyday life is more
acceptable in China than in the US.
When is the last time you have heard of a high-level corporate
board of directors meeting, three-piece suits and all, in the US that
suddenly becomes an unplanned MMA match, with dissenters being
pinned to the ground under furniture? Or how often in the US do you
punch someone square in the face because they cut in line in front of you?
Fairly common in China. And physical "discipline," and beating kids
until they sustain injuries, is the normal way to raise children in China,
even among the urban, educated classes. Along with that, a man is -- not
completely expected to, but maybe is excused for by Chinese society -for sometimes scolding and physically striking his wife or girlfriend.
And being drunk, as Chinese men often are after work meetings, is seen
as an excuse for physical violence, and not an aggravating factor. "Well,

she argued with him, and he was drunk, so what can you expect? He's a
man!" -- that sounds ridiculous to Americans, but it would be a pretty
typical reaction in China.
Do their women stay with them? For the most part, yes. Maybe
its our practical bent. But the way a Chinese woman evaluates her
husband is more like a long-term average that doesnt care about the
extremes. I know that in Western society, a woman who says but hes
usually good about a physically abusive husband is seen as deluded or
suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. A transgression is a transgression,
even if at all other times he's "a good husband." But in Chinese society,
its just seen as being practical and cool-headed to consider his everyday
ability to provide for the family, rather than focus on his occasional
abusive outbursts.
That long-term average is also why Chinese men, once their
women are married or otherwise committed to them, are so
unaccustomed to "romantic" gestures such as buying flowers or
romance as we might know it in American culture. There are Chinese
men who buy flowers for their wives, but they do so as an explicit nod to
exotic Western culture, and its perhaps more about showing how worldly
they are than about anything specifically to do with their wives. And its
mostly because they are so focused on the long-term averages of the
relationship, rather than on symbolic gestures such as flowers and
chocolates. A Chinese wife will be very proud and happy of her husband
having a bigger car or a bigger paycheck or a more prestigious title, but
really will not care much about flowers or chocolates or romantic
gestures. (An exception here is jewelry and high-end handbags, because
those are seen as symbols of long-term wealth, akin to houses, cars, and
job titles.)

Do Chinese guys really have small ones?

Im pretty interested in penises. I hope that by this point in the
book, youre not surprised by that admission. And Ive researched penis
size differences between races: in books, by talking with female friends,
and, well, yes, by personal experience. And so, is it true that Asian guys
suffer from an incurable, terminal case of a disease only known as
smallcox? Yes and no.
What all my oh-so-scientific findings point to is this: a penis is
just like any other part of the body, and the bigger your overall body, the
bigger the penis. In fact, Im surprised that more people dont realize
this. Bigger men have bigger hands, bigger eyes, bigger livers even, so
why wouldnt they have bigger cocks?
So Asian men, especially Asian men from Asia, tend to have
small penises only as much as those men are on average overall smaller
than white men. A scrawny 54 white or black guy will have a penis just
as small as that of a scrawny 54 Chinese guy. The only difference is,
there are (as a percentage) many more scrawny 54 Chinese guys than
there are scrawny 5'4" white or black guys. And similarly, a 64 bigbuilt Chinese guy will have a penis every bit as big as that of a 64 bigbuilt white or black guy.
But look, why are you so concerned about penis size anyway?
Unless you dream about one sliding up your own rear entrance (not that
theres anything wrong with that), forget about whos bigger. Because
girls, especially Chinese girls, dont really prefer big cocks. Not at all. Or
at least not when it comes to taking that cock into our most intimate
regions, and not just looking at it in awe. Because we Chinese girls tend
to be small, our vaginas also tend to be small -- and both girth and length
can be painful.
Let me tell you a story. I have a Chinese-American friend in New
York. Lets call him Tiny. Hes a cool guy, and one of the smartest
people I know. He has a math PhD. And hes tiny. Hes about 54 and

probably weighs no more than a hundred pounds. But, more than that,
hes tiny. You know. Down there. How do I know? Ive never seen it. But
hes told me that hes tiny. Proudly. Is this story getting interesting yet?
So heres how Tiny operates. He hangs around places in New
York where Chinese people gather, especially the grocery stores,
bakeries, and yes, hair salons where Chinese wives of non-Chinese men
gather on the weekends to catch up on Chinese gossip. He specifically
targets Chinese women with non-Chinese husbands. And of course, the
weekend at a Chinese market is usually when the woman can be found
without her husband. And Tiny works his magic. Sure, he can offer
women the cultural familiarity of being with a Chinese guy, and the
cultural knowledge that either an Asian guy or someone who has read this
book would have. He can offer them language: besides his native English,
his Mandarin and Cantonese are good enough. But its the sex that gets
them addicted.
For whatever reason, Chinese women who date white guys tend to
be attracted to physically big white guys. The physical size is part of the
exotic attraction of the white men. These huge men are the opposite of
Tiny. In every way. I havent run the statistics on this, but I would guess
that the average white guy who is married to a Chinese girl is physically
bigger, in every way (wink wink) than the average white guy married to a
non-Chinese girl. And when its time for sex, the Chinese girls are at first
thrilled by the gargantuan cock. Its a novelty. Its like, look at the big
snake I just found. But then it becomes a chore and a pain. And as the
husband gets used to the tight feeling of his tight wife, the wife
becomes more and more uncomfortable with the sex.
And so thats where Tiny, um, comes in. I dont know whether
the women know it before inviting him for a nooner, or whether its a
comfortable afterthought. I dont think Chinese girls are so stupid, so
they probably know that Tiny is going to feel different from their Long
Dong Silver husbands. Maybe Tiny, with his math PhD, gives them a
preflight briefing on circumference and length and volume or something.

Sex with Tiny, after however many months or years with their
elephantine husbands, is just amazing for the Chinese girls in question.
Not because hes big, but because hes small. His penis is a better fit for
their vaginas than their husbands bigger penises. So youve heard stories
about a guy who is too small to satisfy his girlfriend? Well, those white
guys in question are too big to satisfy their girlfriends. And thats when
Tiny attacks.
Most guys are so caught up in the big-penis competition between
men that they dont really care about what women actually. Ive always
thought that the big-cock talk between men was kind of homoerotic. Its
like theyre one step away from feeling each others cocks to verify the
size. Anyway, the point is, women, actual women and not men bragging in
a locker room, only like big cocks up to a point, and only if they
themselves can accommodate them. Im not a tiny girl, so the big cocks
are good for me. But when these 64 250 pound white guys are marrying
these 50 90 pound Chinese girls, theres just going to be a gross genital
mismatch. And its a novelty for a while, but when its become painful
(all the while the husband is so excited about how tight she is), she might
seek out -- a man with a small penis who can please her. Isnt that the
opposite of every porn movie plot? Well, welcome to reality, or Chinese
girls reality.
There are a few lessons you can learn here. Lets make a list:
Chinese guys tend to have smaller cocks than white
guys, but its only because their whole bodies are generally smaller. A
big Chinese guy will have a big cock just like a big white guy.
Dont feel so secure and great about yourself because of
your big cock. Up to a certain size, Chinese girls will love it, especially if
theyre not too small themselves. But if youve got King Cobra and your
girlfriend is a pixie, well, she might not be as thrilled about your massive
equipment as you might expect her to be.
Just when you think you should be secure is when
youre actually the least secure. Imagine all the white husbands who

might see their wives talking with Tiny. Ha ha, shed never be attracted
to that pencil dick, they might think. And what they think is their
strength is actually their vulnerability. Hey am I getting too Art of War
on you here? Anyway this is a useful lesson for dating Chinese girls, for
dating any girls, and even for life in general.

How to attract a Chinese girlfriend

Any white guy who chases after Chinese American or Asian
American girls in the US knows one basic cardinal rule: don't ever say
anything to her along the lines of "I love Chinese culture" or "I admire
ancient China" or "I want to study Chinese language." That makes you a
creepy fetishist and puts you on any Asian American girl's to-avoid list.
But if you're interested in Chinese girls who are in China (or
maybe who recently arrived from China), it's totally the opposite! "I love
Chinese culture" and similar statements are the most appealing thing you
can say to them. And if you sit at Starbucks in Manhattan with your
Chinese textbook, Asian American girls might laugh at you as a loser
with yellow fever, but Chinese girls fresh from China will love that
you're interested in their culture.
Of course, that's not without reasons. A Chinese American girl
considers herself American, and rightly so, and is offended by the idea
that you consider "her culture" to be something in a faraway land in Asia,
or that you consider her to be different enough to comment on her
ethnicity. But a Chinese girl in China, or recently from China, knows that
she's different, and knows she's Chinese! Well of course she's Chinese!
And whereas a Chinese American girl considers herself part of
mainstream American culture, and bristles at the suggestion that she's
not, a Chinese girl from China knows she's apart from mainstream
American culture, and welcomes something she sees as reaching out to
bridge the gap.
Think of all the behaviors that would make you a "creepy Asian
fetishist" in Asian American girls' eyes. That's more or less how to get in
good with Chinese girls in China or fresh from China!
While being into Asian culture is definitely not a negative, there's
only one thing that's very much a negative -- being seen as a "playboy."
Or basically, being seen as a man who will not make a serious investment
in being a husband and provider to a woman. If on your college campus,

you're known as the guy who takes Chinese language and decorates his
dorm room with Chinese art, that's fine. But if you're known as the guy
who pumps-and-dumps lots of Chinese girls (or even a few Chinese
girls), that's definitely not fine. That's the idea of reputation. It's
important to all Chinese people. Once you have a bad reputation, you get
blacklisted, and you might not even know it.
There's one sure-fire way to meet a Chinese girl, in the Western
world, in China, or online: language exchange. In the US, there are
people genuinely interested in language exchange just for languages. But
if you go to China, you will find a multitude of language exchange
programs, meetings, and websites -- and it is very well known that the
entire purpose of these things is for Chinese women to meet Western
men. Remember how Hong and I went to "practice English" with
foreigners, and the whole thing was just a pretext for us to get to know
each other? Well that's how language exchange meetings work in China,
except of course it's a pretext for Chinese girls to get to know Western
guys. And by "girls" I mean anywhere from high-school age to grandma
age, although the prime target is usually women in their twenties who are
looking to get married to a Westerner.
If you have any Chinese friends, or even acquaintances, they will
be very eager to introduce you to Chinese girls they know, perhaps also
with the pretext of "learning English," at least if they think you have
potential to be good husband and provider material. That is just as true in
China as in Chinese communities in the US. In fact, if you are a single
guy and your Chinese friends and colleagues have never proposed their
nieces or sisters for you to date, that might very well mean that they don't
think very highly of you.
If you're in the US, a great way to meet more Chinese girls is to
get in with the Chinese community wherever you live -- and that would
be the community of Chinese immigrants, not the Chinese Americans,
who are usually totally different and separate. If you're a Christian, try
joining a Chinese church. If you eat at a Chinese restaurant, try making

friends with the employees. If you're in a college town, put up signs

offering cheap or free English teaching or language exchange. Bubble tea
or milk tea shops are a famous meeting place for both Chinese from
China and Chinese Americans. Go out and talk to people. Even if the
people you meet aren't hot single Chinese women, they will know some
hot Chinese women, and once you provide yourself as a decent guy, they
will send them your way. That's how everything in Chinese society
works. It's much better, and more acceptable, to approach things through
existing social connections rather than by "cold calling" to strangers.
Don't want to get married? Don't tell a Chinese girl or her
relatives or matchmakers that. Every guy, in their eyes, is naturally
destined to be a husband and father and provider. If you think otherwise,
she'll think you're a freak. Or untrustworthy. Or maybe gay. In the
Chinese world, "good" people, correctly thinking and acting people,
contact the opposite gender only with the goal of meeting a lifelong
marriage partner. Anyone doing any differently is called a "flower heart,"
a derogatory term for someone who just plays around for pleasure
(imagine that!). We Chinese people are always thinking of the practical,
long-term benefits to any situation. So if you announce to a woman that
you want to be her language exchange partner, but you are not interested
in marriage, or you already have a girlfriend or wife, or you don't have
any money, she will either outright reject you (if she was only interested
in finding a good husband), or she will use you only for language practice
(if she did have a genuine interest in learning English) but not consider
dating you.
By the way, speaking of language practice, it's assumed in China
that all foreigners speak English, well enough to teach it to Chinese
people. So even if your English isn't that great, don't worry -- no one,
other than those who studied abroad or are highly educated, will know or
suspect. And English is the language people want to learn. Remember
how homogenous I said Chinese girls are? It would be an unusual girl
interested in some language other than English. (Unless it's Korean for

her K-dramas, or French because wine is now a hot thing in China.) Even
if you're from Romania or Argentina or Switzerland -- just present
yourself as the expert in English, and girls will eat it up.
How else can you draw in the Chinese girls? Remember that in
Chinese culture, outward appearances (what Chinese people sometimes
incorrectly translate to English as "outlooks") are the reality. Your
clothes and grooming are a part of that. Americans enjoy the story about
the guy who walked into the Rolls Royce dealership in flip-flops and was
scorned but ended up spending $300K USD on a car; to Chinese people,
that would be a story about a very weird and very rude and perhaps very
crazy guy, and a dealership that was acting correctly by rejecting a
customer who didn't conform to the norm. So in China, or to girls from
China, if you want to present yourself as a capable provider and husband,
you have to be clean-cut and nicely dressed, with long pants and long
sleeves and shiny shoes. Having "refined" interests such as golf or wine
or sailing is good -- not because Chinese girls intrinsically enjoy those
things, but because it's a signal to them that you are a capable and
financially viable potential provider. There's a well-known Chinese
phrase applied to desirable men that's "zuguo de tien" and is often
translated as "rich," but what it really means is "has enough money." You
meant to be seen as "zuguo de tien."
That also means that your bedroom skills don't really matter. Of
course, Chinese women can enjoy sexual pleasure. But a woman would be
considered a pervert, and a self-destructive and crazy one at that, if she
used a man's sexual ability as part of her marriage or dating criteria.
Remember how practically minded we are. Unless she plans to pimp you
out on the street, her sexual skills aren't really useful to her plans of
economic well-being.
And you will have to take the initiative as far as getting anything
sexual to happen. I know that in my story about my Lanterning with
Hong, I took the initiative. But that's not usually how things work. It's
rare. It's a funny story because it's so rare. But don't expect other Chinese

girls to resemble me in that regard. Honestly, if I heard of a Chinese girl

behaving as I behaved, I'd think she was a slut. I know it's hypocritical.
I'm just telling you what to expect.
Any Chinese girl will expect a good deal of initiative-taking and
probably even physical initiative-taking from you in order to get to sex. I
am not going to advocate that you force yourself on anybody, because I
don't believe in it, but a Chinese guy who's interested in a girl would
likely physically force himself on her at some point. And you have to
combine that, verbally, not with promises of pleasure, but with promises
of a solid, reliable, long-term, practically beneficial relationship to her.
"I'm gonna make you come so many times baby" might work with some
Western girls, but for a Chinese girl, it really has to be "We're gonna have
so much money together and raise a powerful son," or some such thing.
And to keep her interested and staying in the relationship, you
have to provide something like "growing together" -- but not in the
psychological or self-fulfillment/self-actualization sense of Western pop
psychology, but in very real material terms. You have to show her that
her life is materially becoming better, month by month and year by year,
by her staying with you. Better than what? Not just better than being
alone, but also better than being with other guys available to her. That is
the standard you have to fulfill. And Chinese girls, unlike perhaps
American girls, won't be shy to tell you so. It won't be out of bounds for
her to say "Had I married that other guy, I'd be living in a four-bedroom
villa by now, but with you, I'm only living in a one-bedroom apartment!"
Want to tell her about the great orgasms you've given her, or the fun
times you've had together? Well, "that don't impress me much," as that
song goes.

Final words
That's the final story and confession from this Chinese girl. I've
told you what I think is all there is to know about our take on love and
sex. Of course, I only know what I know, even if I know the culture well - I hope you will make your own explorations and conclusions, whether
it's only as a student of Chinese sex and love, or as an active participant.
Maybe I've succeeded in answering your questions, and in
dispelling some of the myths of Chinese girls. As you can see, things are
not as obvious as they might seem. We're neither virgins nor sex maniacs,
but things are definitely different in Chinese culture as compared to
Western culture, and it's useful for you to know the specifics, as this book
teaches you.
Thanks for reading my confessions. I know I enjoyed writing
them. I can only help they can be useful to you.