invalid, and it seems that my condition is terminal. I dont mean to sound all gloom and doom but lets face it. Odds are that i will eat a bullet one day , Overdose , or live out my days in this sorry state . And I was not making a comment on the great state of Texas. No I meant as a prisoner in my own body or as an inmate in prison. Locked away in some psych ward. Or maybe an invalid in a nursing home at the age of 50 from all the fun drug use! Of course the possibility also exists that one day my liver or kidneys might even shut down and I might find myself on some list seeking an organ donor . Or fun fun! On dialysis everyday to keep me alive. Nice sentiments you think? No, cold hard facts. I am terrified to be honest. But what choice do I have? Its not as though we wake one day thinking to ourselves , hey! I am pretty certain I would like to be a diabetic! And I dont mean just a bit diabetic , oh no I want the whole enchilada the finger pricks, mood swings, uncontrollable blood sugar levels, hypertension, heart disease, injections of insulin, the..whole....fucking....thing. An unrelenting, indescribable hell on earth. Hell, why dont you guys just chop off my legs while we are at it? Now we as addicts do choose to be in our state of dismay I suppose. No, that isnt right, who would choose to exist in this circle of hell? Dante had it right, there are nine circles of hell each more terrible than the last and addiction is the final one..... damnation.....Facilius descensus averno - Latin- translated: The descent into hell is easy. I remember vaguely my choice to begin using drugs . It was a foolish and ignorant attempt at making my personal demons go away.I felt that I Could not bear the pain. At that time in my life with the limited maturity I posessed I made the decision that feeling anything painful was unbearable. Not realizing that I had just chosen a path that might ultimately destroy me. This is a daily battle. One that is won by inches not miles . By self grappling and determination. By sheer willpower, if you will-but mine is all gone. So what to do? I am at a crossroads. And rational , intelligent thought escapes me in the all encompassing need to FEEL the same rush again and again. Knowing it can never satisfy. Deep down I do know that. I really do . But I feel caught in a vortex, an undertow, a Goddamned whirlpool swirling into nothingness. Not far from the truth if any of you have ever known or loved a junkie. How many do you know who have died from this disease? I have lost count and they were, many of them ,not just casual acquantances. No I feel each ones loss. I miss them from time to time. I do not forget. They were humans. Valuable and resourceful in many respects. Many of them quite intelligent. Some of them were even personal lovers .Those I miss the most with a fondness one can only have for someone who has held you close and suffered alongside you in a battle that you never seem to win. And there lies the rub my friend. It cannot be done. Winning the war on drugs would only be possible if there were a" war". This government profits from our addictions to the point that , trust me on this they DO NOT want addicts to stop. If you were to add up the money from siezed assets, houses, cars, boats, land, cash and the drugs they seize and resell on the street to be used in sting operations. Now hold that number. Keep it in the back of your mind and we will return to it later. Now factor in Lawyers legal fees, court costs, fines, community service, parole violators monthly fees, probation violators monthly fees, it goes on and on . Our law enforcement community recieves federal grants in the name of fighting the war on drugs . At the same time at least twice a year all the local Law enforcement agencies begin calling everyone in the phone book asking for donations for equipment, training, weapons , Who knows thier real motives? adding insult to injury? sadistic amusement? Or Maybe they find it fucking funny. I mean it is ludicrous to think they actually require any more of our money. Where I ask you, does the money go we allocate every year to give them? Can you say budget? Can they? I havent even mentioned the good old fines we pay for traffic violations ranging from anything to driving with no license , driving while intoxicated. Illegal dumping , jaywalking, operation of an unsafe motor vehicle, Are you aware that in the fine print of every ticket written you will find all the fees we pay our city, county, state and federal court officials to operate those courts? Recieve a fine for any city infraction and you will see in your reciept. Fees for 'building security' for Gods sake! We are talking about a stone fortress with at least thirty or more armed Peace officers all just itching for some nut to walk in and start shooting the place up. I mean they are all locked behind bulletproof glass. How the hell you gonna hit em? Besides they have a full armory in there . Full of neat stuff. But returning to the fleecing we all take it seems a neverending list, Failure to yield right of way, headlight out . Turn signal out , brake light out. yada yada yada they have a law for every occasion and if you breathe and live in the good ole U.S.A. you will ,in your lifetime, whether on purpose or unintentionally; break one. Mark my words, I am 39 yrs old and I am getting to an age where I have pretty much seen most things and mister, the system is rigged. Just take note the next time you go and pay a fine at a city court how many people are in line in front of you. Come back the next day, hell, bring a sandwich ,stay awhile .Just try and count all the poor saps just working some minimum wage, pathetic job who are there simply trying to stay out of jail so they can slave on making that chump change. It is disgraceful. And if it doesnt remind you of merry old England and the illegal taxation our forefathers fled, well , it should And it need'nt be so. We as a people have the right and the duty, when we see corruption in our governments to overthrow it and destroy it. One of our much celebrated founding fathers ; Thomas Jefferson stated that " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Is this not our duty as free men? If we see tyranny in our government to make them step down and "refresh" it with a new one? Ah, but thats going to be an issue now isnt it? Were you, mister John Q. Public to attempt to overthrow the present leadership in the United States of America. I promise you that you would be branded a traitor! A Terrorist. You would recieve an impartial and " Fair" trial with a jury of your peers too afraid to speak up lest they join you in the lethal injection chamber. Which is where you would be headed I assure you. As Benjamin Franklin once stated " We must indeed, all hang together or ,most assuredly, we shall all hang seperately." These men created our bill of rights and our famous constitution. Are these merely old displays in our nations capitol put there for the tourist trade? Does our government simply make up our laws as they go along? Ratifying , drafting , amending ? selling our souls to the specail interest groups who funded thier campaign. Or are they selling our asses to them? Do you ever feel pimped out? I do. Pass the lubricant around it is gonna be a long night. Is our judicial and government system corrupt......YES! Do you need a UFO to land and inform you that this shit is underhanded? I really don't think so.
Judas Iscariot would be so proud. silver changes
hands, deals are made. the die is cast. Integrity is a thing we all long for, but dimly recall. As children we learn to "pretend" and it seems to stick. A pattern is formed early on in the American mind set. We teach our children not to question or argue with Mommy and Daddy. Follow the rules. Policemen are our friends. Obey the law and be good honorable citizens. I am not the most politically savvy individual. But that sounds a bit like Marxism or Communism. For the good of ' the state'. We must all be one.
But back on my original rant. Lets look at this
situation with that 'War on drugs' notice that ? I just used the word drugs not pharmaceuticals! When we used to go pick up medicine after a doctors visit with our parents we went to a pharmacy, Not! a drug store. Now on every corner in America we see what? Drug stores. Our children are inundated with anti "drug" messages from birth on television everyday. The Dare program at our local schools teaches them to just say " No".. And we as adults all know what happens when you tell a child repeatedly to " dont use drugs" what I ask you does a child usually do when we tell them not to do something. hmmm? Enough said. We as a people have been led to believe that drugs are "bad" and should be illegal in our country. Maybe so, I have already confessed quite openly that I am an incurable addict. Admittedly I have also got a criminal history that now makes it difficult to find gainful employment, rent suitable housing, recieve any federal assistance for food or child support. And even disqualifies me from many government jobs. I will never again touch or shoot any type of firearm and I have never used a gun in the commision of a crime. Well I did shoot that dog years ago, but I digress. That was a misdemeanor crime. We are talking here about felony drug charges. You see, I am a convicted felon. Our government has deemed it necessary to make it a felony to sell drugs. Why though? In Amsterdam Marijauna use is everyday and legal in small amounts. Prostitution as well. The coffee shops are openly frequented by the tourist trade and locals alike. It is a proven fact that the crime rate there is not as bad as ours. Makes me wonder...... Is legalization the option? I honestly don't know .But I do know the facts regarding my incarceration. My case was simple. A man I had just met asked me if I knew anywhere that I could get him methamphetamine. I was no pusher on the street. He approached me. I said sure . Went and got him what he asked for. Didnt know he was working for the local narcotics unit. He didnt wear a sign declaring him an undercover informant. There was no warning No announcement. No cries of stop! Police! You see, for one reason or another he had been convicted of a crime. And he cut his deal agreeing to set up others so he would recieve a lesser sentence What a deal! Well in Amsterdam he would not have been arrested and neither my friend would I . Not for $125.00 worth of dope. For this heinous criminal act I recieved fifteen years in prison. Not to mention the stigma that is my criminal past. It will never go away, always right there in my peripheral vision taunting, fleeting and just as hideous and noticable as an ugly growth on my face. Sadly, if I had raped a saintly nun or molested a child I might have recieved less time. But no, I served three years for telling a man where to find narcotics. And now will finish my parole in the year 2020. Now is that illegal in the U.S? Yes it is . But should it have been? In times past it was also against our 'laws' to entrap someone to break the law to arrest them. But with our ever important "War on drugs" it has become achieve your arrest rates by any means necessary. The gloves have come off. But how do you fight an invisible opponent? We in the streets would like an answer to that. The problem now is that our Law enforcement professionals have seen that if they turn the weakest of us against the strong they develop a chink in our armor. Once they have arrested an addict they see is weak and usable they begin to place in the persons mind that fellow addicts are not thier friends and that they will recieve years of time if they don't talk. The addicted mind is pliable and open to suggestion if the person is tired as hell from being up too long and scared to begin with. They begin to sing like the loudest choir on earth. Using our friends and business contacts against us has long been a favorite of the Police. I compare it to prohibition and the revenuers of the Treasury department. During the years 1919-1933 Our country enacted Prohibition also known as the Volstead act. Proposing the 18th Amendment from substantial pressure from the temperance movement.They made it illegal to sell,manufacture and transport alchohol for consumption. And what did these thirteen years in American history prove? Well it's a funny thing because the goal of the 18th Amendment was noble enough in theory. They even nicknamed it " The Noble Experiment.. They intended to reduce crime and corruption. Solve socail problems and reduce the tax burden created by prisons and poorhouses. And improve health and hygiene in America. This experiment was a failure on all counts because they could not keep up with the illegal whiskey stills operating in the mountains and forests of our country and didnt have the manpower to patrol miles of shoreline to keep smugglers out. Now if that doesn't sound like the meth cooks running around Northern East Texas and much of Oklahoma and Arkansas in the here and now. I have certainly missed something. The organized crime movement in cities became rampant and gang warfare escalated. Sound like our "war on drugs" to you? It does to me. I have personally witnessed individuals with a hotplate and several chemicals make illegal meth. It is simple to make and the recipe is shared openly among the users and the "cooks" as they are known. And a good cook can make a small batch in two to three hours. I am unsure what the answers are, but making us feel the hunted is not among them. We are the things that go bump in the night. And we are here to stay. And incidentally that 18th Amendment? The only Amendment that has ever been repealed by the 21st amendment. If the United States of America wants to demonize methamphetamine why do they provide it to soldiers in the field at time of war and why do they give it to our pilots to improve their "edge" in the skies? Why on earth if it is so damn harmful do they give it freely to school age children diagnosed with ADHD and ADD ? Doctors give it to people trying to lose wieght. Makes no sense to me . Unless it actually has medicinal qualities. Could that be the case? Only time will tell. And meanwhile any American citizen caught manufacturing this drug illegally is subject to losing their house and land,vehicle, personal cash on hand and freedom. This is no small charge. If caught cooking meth in this town alone I have known men to receive 30 to 99 years in prison. This must be stopped. Prohibition didnt work and neither will the useless, pointless "War on drugs" mark my words. So this issue of our governments ability to sieze property used in the commission of a crime. Is it really necessary to take our shit away? Didnt we move beyond all that at 18 years of age when we moved out? I mean grounding us as children was a useful tool for disciplining us. Even deprivation of favorite toys or games to punish us when we misbehaved. Very strong motivation to act right . But our government can now, if you have large quantities of cash on your person , sieze those funds and accuse you of using them as drug money. Where does it say in our law books that I have to prove one Goddamned thing to a cop? Why should I tell him where I have been? Where I am heading, or for that matter what I have 5000.00 dollars on me for. As long as I didn't just leave a local Bank with bags stuffed with loose cash and a smoking pistol, whats he so all fired up for anyway? But think about it..... If you or I could take away things from people just cause we accused them of something illegal would we?... I really need a new flat screen television come to think of it. And a new laptop pc too. But when you ask the question; are drugs and addiction harmful? Man I've gotta say this. I have tried methamphetamine, exctasy, heroin, cocaine, hydrochodone, marijauna, zanax, valium , LSD, Psilocybin mushrooms and many other drugs. And who knows? Some of them parties got ludicrous as hell , I may have tried it all. My personal feelings on that? LSD? Awesome fucking drug! Mushrooms? Same. Marijauna? Don't believe its harmful at all. hell it's a damn herb that incidentally makes you feel relaxed, hungry and sleepy . No danger there. Unless your pantry is bare. The zanax and valium and hydrochodone and other pills when used right have been proven beneficial to people in many ways. But all the rest are yes, harmful. They are demons in powder form and no matter what form or delivery system you use, be it needle, snorting, smoking, eating or shoving it up your butt. (yeah it's been done too) Trust me, Dont ask. It may take a long , long time but it will fuck you up. The problem with drug addiction is that it is a disease of the brain. The first time may not lure you in. And no one knows where that invisible line in the sand is drawn for anyone. I think we are all different. Depending on general health. genetics. Family history . Mental stability. Age . Diet, or lack thereof. Amount of time using. Delivery system (yeh shooting up is not safer you junkies) And hell yeh the purity of dope you buy- cause let me tell you the dope in North East Texas is cut so bad I may be addicted to whatever the hell they cut it with now. Wouldn't it be pathetic to rob a store at gunpoint demanding B-12 vitablend at the top of your lungs? In all the research I studied on this, one thing stands out. The legalization argument in the Netherlands of Holland treats drug addiction as a medical problem. Not a criminal one. The crime rates there have truly dropped and with education of the citizens of that country many have chosen to stay sober. No, thier model is not perfect but couldn't we at least learn from them? Or do we go on allowing an ignorant and selfish government to make us targets to be exploited for our addictions because they cannot regulate, control and profit from the sale of these drugs? As I see it, and I may be wrong here . We will eventually have to legalize some of these " illegal" drugs no matter what we think. Maybe it will be Medicinal Marijauna but someone has to go first and I say let's get on with it. We need to do whatever it is that makes us whole as a nation and a society. And as individuals concerned with our health enough to take measures to protect that health. Including mental health issues and addiction. As my oldest friend reminded me the other day in an e-mail there are far more pivotal issues concerning us as a society for me to rant on. You know what? I fully agree. Starvation in America. The fact that taxation is illegal and the reason we left England. The ridiculous and unbelievably expensive health care system we have. I mean lets face it. Doctors deserve to be paid well. Years of schooling and many sacrifices. We all get that. We do. We don't begrudge you your golf courses or shiny corvettes. You worked hard for those perks. But it has to have a limit. The fact that we as a people in spite of years of education still see racial hatred to this day is another thorn in all our sides.Many African Americans refuse to like or understand us and we feel the same a lot of us. The list is neverending and saddening. But as for me, this is personal on so many levels. I must say this issue is near and dear to my heart. You might say it's an issue of life and death. A question of survival. I will not include tons of research on the issue but will only put in one such of the many page after page of statistics I have read on the internet. Half of jail inmates in 2002 were held for a violent or drug offense, almost unchanged from 1996. Drug offenders, up 37%, represented the largest source of jail population growth between 1996 and 2002. More than two- thirds of the growth in inmates held in local jails for drug law violations was due to an increase in persons charged with drug trafficking. Thirty-seven percent of jail inmates were convicted on a new charge; 18% were convicted on prior charges following revocation of probation or parole; 16% were both convicted of a prior charge and awaiting trial on a new charge; and 28% were unconvicted. Source: Bureau of Justice Statistics/Online Journals And sadly the list is miles long of comparable research. Check it out, it boggles the mind. Isn't it time America that we treat this disease as a medical issue? I believe the times they are a changing. Shouldn't we as well? I must say before my introduction into the "drug world" I was very naive. Had no clue how many people I alone knew who used drugs and I mean almost daily. Now that I have seen the things I have seen and done the things I have done, do I have regrets? Well I would be a complete and utter fool to say unequivocally no. But I am torn in two on the subject. I must say that now if my children used any drug there is no way they could hide it from me. There is no doubt in my mind I would know the signs. Also the fact remains that each experience we have makes us who we are in the end. So I must say this experience while certainly painful and life altering may be a foundation someday- a bedrock that strengthens and grounds me.( If I don't die from it first.) But do I regret my addiction? Certainly. I would trade it in a heartbeat, sell it cheap or hell- give it away to anyone dumb enough to want it. Any takers? But sadly there are no sell outs in this arena. This thing is mine to deal with one way or another. Wish I could cop out but can't. I will admit that I have longed to commit suicide as an escape from this self imposed hell. But the only thing that keeps me going is my love of life, the love I feel for my family and the fact that I feel I must go on. It is my burden. A cross I bear that feels like the wieght of the world on my shoulders. But sadly my family is along for the ride and they are unwilling passengers to put it mildly. My regret is that I cannot be stronger. If I could but take it back. Suffice it to say I cannot. So where do I go from here? Well I have proven to myself that I am not strong enough to do this alone. The program of Narcotics Anonymous seems to me a silly thing although I do recognize it's importance in many, many lives. I personally know many people who say it has changed thier lives. But for me it just doesn't work. I feel ...I don't know. But I have been informed that there are treatments available and now feel that I may seek professional help to achieve my goals. In the short term I just want to quit long enough to keep a job and stay productive. With my past that will not be an easy thing. Wish me luck on that. Long term I desire freedom from the yoke of addiction. odds and statistics are sadly against me. Or should I say us? As I know I am not alone in this fight. So I intend to find a way to begin rebuilding what I have destroyed. My life.....After all it is mine. And I intend to do something with it. Fuck the statistical data. Piss on what my father told me all my life. I am not a loser. I refuse to buy into his crap. Even though for years I seem to have done so. If worse comes to worse I may seek psychiatric treatment or therapy with a licensed chemical dependency counsellor. If all else fails I will just have to purchase a new shiny Colt .45 automatic pistol for a one time use. Hell it would beat this shit. Ask any addict you know, I am certain they would agree. After all chains are chains. Slavery is slavery no matter how you dress it up pretty.
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