ARCHER - "GRITTY"

By
Vince Pavey

SPEC SCRIPT: 18/02/2016

@LimeyOtoko on Twitter

INT. SPY AGENCY - ELEVATOR - MORNING

FADE IN: ARCHER and KRIEGER are stood inside of the
elevator up to the headquarters. It has a lot of gross
stains on the floor.
KRIEGER seems very excited to have this one on one time
with ARCHER, who looks as if he regrets having stepped in.
KRIEGER
Laser hidden in a watch?
ARCHER
Been done before. Stop pitching.
KRIEGER
Exploding pen?
ARCHER
Again - done before. Also, I
wouldnt trust me with that, so
you definitely shouldnt trust me
with that.
KRIEGER
Exploding shoes!
ARCHER
Nothing that explodes, Krieger!
KRIEGER
Okay. Okay. Baby proximity alarm!
ARCHER
I enjoy spending time with AJ,
Krieger. I dont wanna avoid her.
KRIEGER
What are you, a monster? Why
would you assume thats what that
is? I meant an alarm that tells
you when people are around AJ.
ARCHER
Oh. Well then. Maybe... yes?
KRIEGER
Okay, so all itll take is a
small implant that attaches to
her cerebral cortex andARCHER (HORRIFIED)
Definitely NO!
KRIEGER lets out a disappointed noise.

2.

KRIEGER
Okay. So that one needs work. Gun
...flask?
ARCHER
Yes! Okay. Now that is an idea I
can get behind.
DING! The lift arrives.
2

INT. SPY AGENCY - MORNING

ARCHER walks out into the office and is met immediately by
an angry MALORY.
MALORY
Sterling! I wanted you in my
office 15 minutes ago.
ARCHER
I know! I actually wanted to be
there, which is, well you know- I
even skipped my morning bourbon.
MALORY
Then why are you late?
ARCHER
Krieger hit some slow-lift button
he installed last night? It was a
whole thing- about being a better
quartermaster? More serious? I
dont evenKRIEGER walks between them without even making eye
contact.
KRIEGER (MUTTERING, TO SELF)
...but where would I put the
bullets?
MALORY
You know what? I dont want to
know.

INT. MALORYS OFFICE - MORNING

ARCHER follows MALORY into her office. MALORY immediately
heads for her drinks cabinet.
MALORY downs a Tom Collins and starts to pour another. She
gestures to ARCHER, offering him one.
He raises a hand in protest.

3.
ARCHER
No thank you, Ive had enough.
They lock eyes, with serious looks on their faces.
MALORY looks concerned.
They wait for a moment.
Both burst into laughter.
MALORY (LAUGHING)
No thank you, Ive had enough!
ARCHER starts to mix various drinks in a tall glass.
ARCHER (LAUGHING)
The look on your face!
MALORY (LAUGHING)
Oh, I know! Almost! Almost had
me!
ARCHER sips his drink.
ARCHER (SHORT OF BREATH)
So. So. What mission was so
important that I had to be here
bright and early?
MALORY walks over to the intercom and uses the buzzer.
MALORY
Carol, is our new friend here
yet?
CHERYL (INTERCOM)
Well, personally I was hoping he
and I could be more than friends,
butMALORY
Cheryl, will you just send him
in?
CHERYL (INTERCOM)
Ill tell him he can come inside
whenever he wants.
PAM (THROUGH THE WALL)
Ha! Phrasing!
DOMINIC CROMARTIE enters through the office door. His
military haircut is as tight and controlled as his every
movement.
Tall, rugged and handsome. His icy blue eyes silence the
room.

4.

CROMARTIE
You people drink on the job?
MALORY
Well, uh... I- uh...
CROMARTIE
Im kidding.
MALORY lets loose a sigh of relief, as CROMARTIE pours
himself a drink.
ARCHER
So, not to interrupt whatever
this is, but - seriously. Why am
I here? Who is this guy?
CROMARTIE
Cromartie. Dominic Cromartie.
ARCHER
Im Archer. Why are we here?
CROMARTIE looks at ARCHER. A piercing stare.
CROMARTIE
Put simply? Im replacing you.
ARCHERs jaw drops as he tries to work that out.
4

MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE JOKE

The title sequence has changed, so that CROMARTIE is in
ARCHERs place. Things are slower and his movements are
much more calculated.
The usually vivid colours are now just muted and grim
blues and greys.
The theme song is now played on string instruments and is
very sombre.
CROMARTIEs silhouette stands next to the word ARCHER.

INT. MALORYS OFFICE - DAY

ARCHER lets out a gasp.
ARCHER (PANICKED)
Body snatcher!
He lets loose a flurry of kicks and punches. None of them
connect with CROMARTIE, who effortlessly moves around them
before throwing ARCHER to the ground.
ARCHER springs back up.

5.

MALORY
Sterling! You idiot! Hes not
whatever you think he is. This is
a mission - and for you ...a
vacation.
ARCHER
Since when are they not the same
thing?!
MALORY
Thats the point, dumb-dumb.
Quite frankly, weve turned
-...whatever we decide to call
our agency now that the old name
is ruined- into a joke! We need
to be taken more seriously!
CHERYL (INTERCOM)
Cromartie could take me.
Howeeeeever he wants.
PAM (THROUGH THE WALL)
Ha! Whore.
MALORY
Damn it, you two! If I have to
come out there, so help meCROMARTIE does a little cough to interrupt and get things
back on track. ARCHER shakes his head.
ARCHER
Im not signing off on this. I
hate when they do this with
movies -and I hate it now!
CROMARTIE
It doesnt matter if you sign off
on it or not. Ive been given a
mission -and I always complete my
mission.
ARCHER
Hey! No. You cant just .. BE
someone else, dummy! In what
world can someone just do that?!
CROMARTIE rolls his eyes and sighs.
CROMARTIE
Were spies. Its like, half of
the job.
ARCHER
Shut up! -and also, what will
people call me if theyre calling
(MORE)

6.

ARCHER (contd)
you Archer?! Did you even think
of that?!
CROMARTIE
I did. Youll be Mr. Mongoose for
the foreseeable future.
ARCHER
No one is calling me Mongoose!
MALORY
Quiet, Mongoose!
ARCHER
Mother?! What the hell!
MALORY
Listen, Mongoose. Our freelance
friend is trying to help you get
your edge back in the spy world.
You need to be willing to do
anything -and I mean anythingthat he says. I know I am.
MALORY feels up CROMARTIEs muscular upper-arm.
ARCHER
Wait. Are you? -Mother!
MALORY (DRY)
I dont know what youre
implying.
She sips her drink again. A long sip.
6

EXT. MALORYS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

LANA is sat on a small chair by the door to the corner
office with baby AJ on her lap.
Theyre waiting to go in. CHERYL TUNT returns to her desk
from the photocopier.
CHERYL
Ew, get that thing away from me.
LANA
You mean my child? You want me to
get my child away from you.
CHERYL
Its gross. Its gross and all it
does is make ...goop.

7.

LANA
Oh, my bad. Let me just put it
somewhere. I wouldnt want you to
be uncomfortable.
LANA places AJ on Cheryls desk.
LANA
Is this better?
CHERYL is white as a ghost.
AJ is drooling everywhere on the desk. Its gross. Shes
mashing the keyboard with her palm. BING. BING. BING.
CHERYL passes out.
AJ lets out a giggle as LANA picks her back up.
LANA
That WAS better.
ARCHER storms out and slams the door behind him. He
brushes past LANA and AJ without paying them any
attention.
ARCHER
Pft. Lost my edge. What do they
know?
LANA (ANGRY / ARCHER MIMIC VOICE)
Hello, Lana! Hello, AJ! Its
great to see you. Every day of my
relationship with the pair of you
is a gift. I was definitely not
just being a complete asshole by
ignoring you!
ARCHER turns to face her.
ARCHER
Lana! Sorry! I wasnt ignoring
you, I was justLANA
Ignoring us.
ARCHER
Yeah! But Ive got some real
...stuff, going on.
LANA
Boo-hoo. Your mommy replaced you
because youve lost your edge.
Its not the end of the world,
Archer.

8.

ARCHER
Hey! I still have my edge!
LANA
Really. What did we do last
night?
ARCHER
We had a good meal,
entertainment...
7

FLASHBACK: ARCHERS PLACE - LAST NIGHT

ARCHER and LANA are sat in front of the TV. You can hear
what sounds like an old Godzilla movie.
Theyre eating Chinese take-out from the box.
ARCHER is in a blazing saddles T-shirt, boxer shorts and
socks. LANA is in pajama pants and a baggy white T-shirt.

EXT. MALORYS OFFICE - A FEW MORE MOMENTS LATER

ARCHER smiles to himself.
ARCHER
...and awesome sex.

FLASHBACK: ARCHERS BEDROOM - LAST NIGHT

LANA is on top of ARCHER and theyre doing the
pants-off-dance-off.
They both still have their socks on. LANA hasnt even
bothered to take her big white T-shirt off and is still
eating the take out food.

10

EXT. MALORYS OFFICE - EVEN MORE MOMENTS LATER

LANA smiles.
LANA
...and it was great! But it
wasnt edgy, was it champ?
ARCHER
When did I lose my edge?!
LANA
Youre a dad! You dont get to be
edgy anymore. Youre goofy! - and
thats fine!
ARCHER
Weve talked about this! Im more
like Donald Duck!

9.
LANA
I didnt meanMALORY (INTERCOM)
Carol, is Lana here yet? Youre
being unusually quiet.
LANA
Thats my cue to let myself in.
ARCHER
Wait. Are you still going on
missions?
LANA
Im a working mom. Im a badass,
biiiiiiiitch.
LANA makes a finger gun with her hand and a little gun
noise with her mouth.
ARCHER
Youre not as cool as you think
you are!
She backs into the office.
ARCHER
...damn. Shes so cool.
11

INT. MALORYS OFFICE

LANA carries AJ into the office as she walks in backwards.
She steps on MALORYs foot.
LANA
Sorry!
MALORY
Owwww! What do you weigh?! Does
the scale just say two baby
elephants sat in a Hyundai when
you step on it?! My god, Lana.
MALORY hobbles over to her desk, sits in the chair and
hunches to rub her foot.
LANA
Starting not to feel so sorry.
CROMARTIE steps between them, holding a Scotch on the
Rocks in one hand. He clears his throat.
CROMARTIE
The mission? Honestly, how do you
people get anything done?

10.
MALORY
What do you mean you people?
LANA
Really? Youre going to say that.
You.
MALORY stares for a moment as if waiting for something.
CROMARTIE (IMPATIENT)
Enough! The mission. Whats the
bloody mission?
MALORY
Well talk about the mission when
all three of the agents that are
going are in here. Where is he?
LANA
Where is who? Who else could it
even be? We know Archer isnt
coming.
CROMARTIE (ANNOYED)
I am Archer.
ARCHER (INTERCOM)
You are not!
MALORY takes a long sip of her drink.
LANA
Archer! Stop spying on us! Youre
terrible at it. Which, well,
considering its your job is
probably why youreThe door slams open. In walks CYRIL FIGGIS. He is dressed
in a glittery white one piece suit. It has giant pointed
shoulders and no visible fastenings.
He is also wearing a fake eye patch under his glasses.
He walks with an unusual confidence.
MALORY (FURIOUS)
If you tell me youre late
because of that ridiculous get up
IllCYRIL
I think you mean fantastic outfit
that I regularly wear, that
didnt take me two extra hours
this morningMALORY slaps CYRIL. It leaves a mark on his right cheek.

11.

MALORY
You are not wearing that! Were
trying to be more serious! I want
to make people respect our
organisation again.
CYRIL
I thought I looked cool...
MALORY
Well you dont! You look like
youve been raiding Lady Gagas
ga-ga-garbage! Now show our new
agent the way to the airfield
-and so help me god- get out of
that ridiculous outfit on the
way.
CYRIL leaves with CROMARTIE.
ARCHER (INTERCOM)
Im surprised you know who Lady
Gaga is.
MALORY
Sterling! Go make yourself useful
somewhere else!
MALORY takes AJ from LANA and hands her a disc.
MALORY
Play this on the plane. Dont let
Cyril screw this up, Lana.
LANA
Dont make me promise that. We
both know he will.
MALORY sighs and rubs the side of her head.
MALORY
I know...
12

INT. THE SPY AGENCIES PRIVATE PLANE - DAY

The passenger area of a run down private plane. The
upholstery is ruined, stained or torn in one way or
another. The floor looks sticky.
CYRIL is now in a white tuxedo with a black collar and a
purple boutonniere.
CROMARTIE
So what was with that first
outfit?

12.

CYRIL
Like I said. It was nothing
special. I wear it all the time.
CROMARTIE
Thats weird.
CYRIL
Not that weird.
CROMARTIE
Its weird. Youre what, the
accountant? Wheres your green
sweater vest? White shirt?
Sensible trousers? Dress for your
job, Cyril.
CYRIL looks glum for a moment.
CYRIL
I- I dont wear weird outfits all
the time. I just wanted to look
cool on your first day. Make a
new friend, you know? I dont
really get to meet many people
who arent shooting at us.
CROMARTIE puts his hand on CYRILs shoulder.
CROMARTIE
Okay. We can be... friends.
CYRIL (OPTIMISTIC)
Really?!
CROMARTIE
I mean, not in public or
anything. But, yeah.
CYRIL
Ill actually take it. Is that
sad? I feel like it should be sad
but ... nope. Is sad my norm now?
Thats alarming.
LANA enters the cabin and stops in her tracks.
LANA
Am I interrupting something?
CROMARTIEs hand tightens on CYRILs shoulder.
CYRIL (WORRIED)
No! No...

13.

LANA
Good! Briefing time.
LANA slides the disc into the planes portable DVD
player. CYRIL and CROMARTIE watch and wait.
There is static for a few seconds, before MALORY appears
on screen.
MALORY (VIDEO)
If youve been given this disc,
Ive had enough. If youre going
to act like children, this will
be how youll get your mission
information from now on. From a
screen! Like children!
CYRIL
...or like anyone in this decade,
really?
MALORY (VIDEO)
Shut up and watch, Cyril!
CYRIL (SHOCKED)
How did she know?!
MALORY glares.
MALORY (VIDEO)
There isnt a thing I dont know,
Cyril. Not a thing.
ARCHER walks in, in the background. He goes to pour
himself a drink.
ARCHER (VIDEO)
Is that Cyril? Please tell me you
and Cyril arentCYRIL
Wait, is this live?
The screen cuts to a test card for a second, making a beep
before the real video starts.
VIDEO (SINGING)
You guys arent great!
On screen: A cartoon version of ARCHER and the rest of the
main company are in a big dumpster.
VIDEO (SINGING)
Youre always late!
On screen: Money, burning. Clocks, ticking.

14.

VIDEO (SINGING)
So heres the mission, cause it
cant wait!
On screen: The word success is written vertically in blue.
It has arms and legs and is dancing on the spot like
Mickey Mouse in Steamboat Willie. Its wearing sunglasses
over the S. It climbs into a helicopter and flies away
into the distance.
LANA
I cant believe she had this
ready.
Intense music starts to play from the video. The word
success swings back onto the screen via a rope.
SUCCESS (VIDEO)
You have been selected for a
mission. Monster Hands, Duchess,
Codename Pending, are you ready?!
CYRIL
Yes!
LANA
It cant hear you, dork.
CYRIL (HURT)
It could before!
SUCCESS (VIDEO)
Youre going... undercover!
Someone has stolen a phone that
belongs to the Prime Minster of
Great Britain. Youre going to
get it back. Heres the plan.
On screen: realistic footage of a tropical island full
of beautiful people on vacation.
SUCCESS (VIDEO)
Youre going to La Isla de
Ventas. A place the world leaders
wont admit exists. A place where
the super-rich can do whatever
they want.
On screen: A cute cartoon of CYRIL. Hes dressed like a
rich mobster.
SUCCESS (VIDEO)
Codename Pending, youre going to
pretend to be one of the rich
super elite. You need to try and
buy the Prime Minsters phone.

15.

On screen: Cartoon CYRIL, throwing his cartoon money

around until a phone lands in his hands. The word success
high fives him.
CYRIL
I like cartoon me a lot. Hes so
...confident.
SUCCESS (VIDEO)
If that fails, youll have
Monster Hands and Duchess as
support. Theyll be disguised as
your well paid bodyguards.
On screen: Cute cartoon versions of ARCHER and LANA.
Theyre in leather outfits, have sunglasses on and are
holding guns. They shoot at the screen until it is nothing
but a black matte.
SUCCESS (VIDEO / O.S. VOICE ONLY)
Get the phone at all costs if you
value your jobs. Success ooout!
On screen: a ridiculously long list of credits rolls.
Feature film long.
CYRIL (CONCERNED)
How many people worked on
this?! How much did it cost to
make?!
CROMARTIE
Too much. It cost too much. So
well made...
MALORY flickers onto the screen.
MALORY (VIDEO)
Now get your crap together! Or
youll have to watch another one
of these!
The video ends and the DVD player shorts out and melts.
CYRIL
Is it bad that I kind of ...
liked watching it?
LANA is in disbelief.
LANA (CONCERNED)
...I ...I think I did too.

16.

13

INT. SPY AGENCY GARAGE - AFTERNOON

ARCHER is wearing a white vest and black trousers, with
some work boots. Hes underneath his car, working on
something.
ARCHER
Mother told me about their
mission. Its dumb. I couldve
done it. She just didnt give me
any time to even read the
dossier.
Is it as this point we see that RAY GILLETTE is sat on the
front of the car.
RAY
Oh, like you ever do.
ARCHER slides out from underneath his car and stands up.
ARCHER
Maybe I was planning on changing
my ways, Ray! Being a better spy.
Now well never know.
RAY
Oh we know.
ARCHER
No, Ray, you dont!

14

EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND BEACH - DAY

LANA, CYRIL and CROMARTIE are now dressed in beach wear,
walking along the shore.
LANA
Now remember, we dont want to
give the game away Cyril.
CROMARTIE
Play it cool.
CYRIL
Got it.
The group approaches a cabana bar. CYRIL leans in to one
of the bartenders as the other two get their drinks in the
background.
BARTENDER
Whatre you having?
CYRIL
None for me, thanks. Say, do you
happen to know where I can buy a
(MORE)

17.

CYRIL (contd)
prime ministers phone? At an
illegal auction? An illegal
auction on this island?
LANA and CROMARTIE drop their glasses on the ground. They
shatter. LANA grabs CYRIL and drags him away.
LANA
What the hell was that?!
CYRIL
He said to play it cool. Whats
cooler than not caring about the
law?
LANA
If youve blown this for us
Cyril, Im going to rip off yourA poorly disguised mercenary approaches them. He is
dressed like a holiday-maker but his face is covered in so
many scars that theres barely any face left. He has a
headset going into his left ear.
CYRIL (AWKWARD)
Oh. Hello!
HIRED GUN
I believe you and your associates
are here for the auction? The
bartender informed my employer
and hes said youre welcome to
come.
LANA and CYRIL are visibly confused.
LANA & CYRIL
O-kaaay...?
HIRED GUN
Come this way.
The HIRED GUN gestures at CROMARTIE to follow the group.
LANA, CROMARTIE and CYRIL leave the beach in the mercs
purple land rover.
15

INT. SPY AGENCY GARAGE - AFTERNOON

PAM stands by the car as ARCHER continues to work on its
underbelly.
PAM
Whatre you doing to your car,
anyway?

18.

ARCHER
Oh, yknow... I was fixing the
thing.
PAM
The thing.
ARCHER slides out from underneath the car and stands up.
ARCHER
Yes, Pam! The thing!
PAM
You just trying to look busy
without actually doing anything?
ARCHER
No! (beat) ...Yes.
PAM
You didnt have to pretend to be
some kind of mechanic! ...listen,
were aaaaall doing it. You think
anyone here does any actual work?
ARCHER
Well, yePAM puts a finger to ARCHERs lips to shush him.
PAM
Oh, you sweet thing. I can show
you a better way.
ARCHERs eyes widen in surprise.
ARCHER
Y-your finger tastes like fried
chicken.
PAM nods confidently and sweetly.
PAM
I know.
16

EXT. VILLAINS AUCTION HOUSE AND PARTY - AFTERNOON

CYRIL, CROMARTIE and LANA are stood outside what looks to
be a fairly modern, if a little run down nightclub.
A man with swords attached to his forearms and two
eyepatches is stood in front of them, talking to the
guards. Hes trying to get in.
There are armed guards posted at the door, one of which
has a podium with a laptop sat on top in front of him.

19.
LANA (QUIET, TO CYRIL)
You got lucky before, but listen,
you cant keep Archering this.
Remember your cover! The identity
set up for you says your name is
Pegasus Pascali.
CYRIL
Yeah, sure. Peagasus whatever.
LANA (QUIET, TO CYRIL)
I dont think youre taking me
seriouslThey shuffle forward as the strange man in front of them
is told no and stumbles away. He definitely cant see and
it takes him half a minute.
SECURITY GUARD
Next! Name?
CYRIL
Donald Badd. With two Ds.
LANA lets out a pained noise.
SECURITY GUARD
Uh huh.
We see the screen the SECURITY GUARD is using. On what is
obviously Wikipedia he does a background check.
Suprisingly, CYRILs fake name checks out and comes up
with an article. He is wearing the outfit from earlier in
the photo.
SECURITY GUARD
That checks out. You and your
group are free to enter, Mr.
Badd.
LANAs jaw drops and her eyes widen in surprise.
SECURITY GUARD
What? Youre suprised?
LANA
Nooooooooope.
SECURITY GUARD
Riiiiight. Weirdo. You sure shes
cool, Mr. Badd?
CYRIL
Dont worry about her. She just
doesnt have many friends. Isnt
that right, Lina?

20.
LANA
Lana.
CYRIL
Whatever.
LANA glares at him.
17

INT. SPY AGENCY: OUTSIDE THE SECRET AREA - AFTERNOON

PAM and ARCHER walk down a corridor and stop at a never
seen before giant bookcase. On one of the shelves is a
Greek-style bust of a topless Cheryl. Its holding an
unsolved Rubicks cube in its mouth.
PAM solves the Rubicks cube and then puts it back in the
statues mouth. The bookcase slides into the wall,
revealing a hidden elevator.
ARCHER
What the hell?! Pam. What is this
place?!
PAM
We were bored at work and Cheryl
had this idea. She built this
pleasure bunkerARCHER
Is this a sex thing? This isnt a
sex thing, right? Because if it
is, I have to remind you I am
very happy with Lana.
PAM
Oh for cripes sakes Archer, no,
its not a sex thing.
ARCHER (RELIEVED)
Oh, good.
PAM
Now take off all your clothes.
ARCHER
What?!

18

INT. VILLAINS AUCTION HOUSE AND PARTY - AFTERNOON

The HIRED GUN from earlier ushers a nervous CYRIL into the
private party. LANA and CROMARTIE enter behind them.
Smooth jazz is playing.
Sat in a throne by a large window, is BRANDO BIANCO. He is
tanned and has a scruffy goatee. His weight is barely
contained by a lilac suit. He is obviously the mobster in
charge and carries himself as such.

21.

He leaps up, rushes over and puts an arm around Cyril.

BRANDO
Hey bro, pretty cool that you
dont care about the law. Pretty
big balls. Knew I had to invite
you to my party.
CYRIL
Y-yeah, Im pretty cool.
BRANDO
Saying that you, yourself, are
cool! Mad power play bro! I love
this guy!
BRANDO pats CYRIL on the back and ruffles his hair.
BRANDO
So, what can I get you, my
friend? Drink? Smoke? Whore?
CYRIL raises an eyebrow.
CYRIL
I will have one of each.
19

INT. SPY AGENCY: SECRET AREA - MOMENTS LATER

PAM (now dressed in a sky blue kimono) hands a naked
ARCHER a very short lime green kimono with a golden dragon
on the back as they step out of the elevator on a new
floor.
He puts it on as they walk down the corridor.
ARCHER
Did you have to make me do the
trip down naked?
PAM thinks silently for a moment, squinting.
PAM
...yes.
ARCHER shakes his head.
ARCHER
An underground "pleasure bunker"
at work? This is pretty crazy,
Pam.
PAM
Tunts gonna tunt.

22.

ARCHER
That is not a thing were going
to start saying.
PAM (INDIGNANT)
Tunts. Gonna. Tunt.
20

INT. VILLAINS AUCTION HOUSE AND PARTY - MOMENTS LATER

In a small (and far shabbier) room in the building, LANA
and CROMARTIE stand, waiting for the phone to be
auctioned.
They stand in a large crowd of colourful and weird spy
villains.
AUCTIONEER
..and next up on our agenda is
the auction of this special, one
of a kind item. The Prime
Minister of Great Britains phone
-- full of both the dirtiest
government secrets AND the
dirtiest pictures of his prized
pig, Tabitha.
LANA (QUIET, TO CROMARTIE)
We have to get that phone
quietly. Too many people wanting
to get on Brandos good side in
here for us to go loud. Just bid
for it. Well make Malory pay for
it.
CROMARTIE fires his gun. Two shots. Square in the chest of
the AUCTIONEER. The phone in his hand flies across the
room and lands in CROMARTIEs hand. He slides it into his
pocket.
Blood from the impact splatters across LANAs face.
LANA (FURIOUS)
Oh my god!
Angry men and women from the auction and the party
surround them. All of them are holding weapons of some
kind.
CROMARTIE
Sorry. I wasnt listening. I was
too busy thinking about where I
was going to shoot him. What were
you saying?
LANA shoots a female assassin that was approaching her
with her sword drawn.

23.

LANA
Never mind. Lets get Cyril and
leave this stankhole already.
The two of them shoot through the crowd until they reach
the chamber where they left CYRIL.
CYRIL is really
underneath what
drunken whores
face. BRANDO is

enjoying himself. He is basically buried

can only be described as a pile of cheap,
and has a look of pure ecstasy on his
asleep in his throne.

CROMARTIE grabs him by the forearm.

CROMARTIE
Were leaving.
CYRIL tries to shake his arm free. No luck.
CYRIL
Dont make me leave! You cant
make me! Dont make me!
The noise wakes BRANDO.
CROMARTIE picks up CYRIL and puts him over his shoulder as
CYRIL struggles against him. It is at this point that we
see CYRIL isnt wearing underwear.
BRANDO grabs his handgun.
BRANDO
Dont worry, Don! ICROMARTIE (STERN)
Raise that gun and you sure as
hell better be intending to kill
me. Im Duchess. The most
dangerous spy in the world.
BRANDO lets go of his gun.
BRANDO
-have changed my mind. But do not
worry, my friend! I will find
you. On the social media!
BRANDO shakes his mobile phone.
CYRIL
My name! Its notCROMARTIE (TO CYRIL, QUIET)
You break cover and Im going to
kill you.

24.
CYRIL
Its not important! Ill- Ill
speak to you soon!
BRANDO
On the social media!
CYRIL (CRYING)
Right, right..
21

INT. SPY AGENCY: SECRET AREA - MOMENTS LATER

They turn the corner and finally arrive at the pleasure
bunker - it is a massive area that essentially looks like
an artificial Garden of Eden.
Around a hot spring are MALORY and RAY, who are both in
kimonos. MALORY is holding AJ. CHERYL is sat in the water.
It is obscuring her obvious nakedness.
ARCHERs jaw drops.
ARCHER
How long has this been here?
CHERYL
About eight months. What did you
think we were doing while you and
Lana were having your crazy
boring Chinese take-out Japanese
giant monster movie sex nights?!
ARCHER
So youve been spying on us.
MALORY
Were all spies, Sterling! Of
course everyone is spying on
everyone else!

22

INT. THE SPY AGENCIES PRIVATE PLANE - NIGHT

Cyril is fast asleep. LANA and CROMARTIE are on opposite
sides of the plane cabin.
The plane is quite creepy in the dark. Its lit by only a
small lamp as the lighting electronics clearly arent 100%
there anymore.
CROMARTIE
You know, youre very beautiful.
LANA
Sorry. Spoken for. Archer,
remember?
CROMARTIE starts to walk towards LANA.

25.

CROMARTIE
But I am Archer now.
LANA
Uh, no, creepy. Youre not. Its
just your mission to pretend to
be Archer.
CROMARTIE
Pretty sure that Im Archer.
LANA
Listen... no. Youre not even
close!
CROMARTIE gets uncomfortably close to LANA and grabs her
bicep.
CROMARTIE
Are you sure?
She knees him in the stomach.
LANA
Are YOU sure? Theres only one
Archer - and youre not him,
dickhole!
CYRIL wakes up from the noise.
CYRIL (SLEEPY)
Were... were you just calling
someone a dickhole?
LANA glares at CROMARTIE as she goes and sits next to
CYRIL. She rests her hand on her gun.
LANA
Dont worry about it,
Cyril. Dont worry about it.
23

INT. SPY AGENCY: SECRET AREA

ARCHER and company are getting nicely drunk. AJ is in the
arms of a napping MALORY. She keeps grabbing MALORYs nose
while she sleeps.
ARCHER (DRUNK)
Yknow you coulda asked me to
come down here before now. I
wouldve helped build it. One
time I baby-proofed my apartment.
Did the whole thing myself.

26.

24

FLASHBACK: INT. ARCHERS APARTMENT - DAY

ARCHER is in the middle of his apartment. Hes very
obviously drunk and disheveled.
ARCHER (WASTED)
Woodhouse! Woodhouse, AJ is
coming over tonight! Baby-proof
the- baby-proof the apartment
Woodhouse. Woodhouse!
WOODHOUSE slowly and frailly walks into the frame, holding
a bunch of baby-proofing supplies.
WOODHOUSE
Right away, sir...

25

INT. SPY AGENCY: SECRET AREA

ARCHER (DRUNK)
The whole thing myself.
RAY
Sure you did.
ARCHER (DRUNK)
You dont know.
RAY
Oh we know.
ARCHER (DRUNK)
No, Ray! You dont!

26

INT. THE SPY AGENCIES PLANE - LATER THAT NIGHT

CROMARTIE watches LANA as she sleeps.
LANA (V.O. / ECHO)
Theres only one Archer - and
youre not him!
CROMARTIE is gripping a photograph in his fist. Its very
crumpled.
CROMARTIE (ANGRY)
There can only be one.
CROMARTIE burns the photo. We see that it is a photo of
ARCHER as it falls into a small metal trash can.

27.

27

INT. MALORYS OFFICE - THE NEXT MORNING

MALORY stubs her cigarette out in an ashtray. CROMARTIE
hands her a drink in a short glass.
CROMARTIE
Word should be getting out by now
that Duchess isnt playing games
anymore.
MALORY gently rubs CROMARTIEs neck.
MALORY
Thats fantastic. Excellent work,
Duchess. I have another mission
for you, if youdCROMARTIE
Im not going to sleep with you,
Mother.
MALORY removes her hand.
MALORY
What?
CROMARTIE
Stop being so weird.
MALORY
Do you think that you really are
Sterling?
CROMARTIE
I am Sterling - and now if youll
excuse me, I have a mongoose to
kill.
MALORY
Im just going to go ahead and
assume you mean a wild animal and
not my son.
CROMARTIE leaves the room.
MALORY takes a long sip of her drink.
MALORY
I should probably do something
about that.
MALORY takes another long sip.

28.

28

INT. THE SPY AGENCY - MOMENTS LATER

CROMARTIE walks up to RAY and CYRIL with a stone cold look
on his face.
CROMARTIE
You two will stay out of my way,
or you will join the mongoose in
his fate.
He walks away down the corridor.
RAY
Man, Archers a dick!
CYRIL
Like, that Archer, or..?
RAY squints, thinking.
RAY
...Yes.

29

INT. THE SPY AGENCY - ARCHERS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

CROMARTIE walks into ARCHERs office. Theres no one in
there, but there is a screen like the one from the plane
earlier on the desk.
ARCHER flickers on to the screen. He is wearing his kimono
from earlier.
ARCHER (VIDEO SYSTEM)
You thought youd just come up to
my office, and kill me with a
gun? Really?! How did you not
think Id be ready for you? Love
me Lana! Im creepy as shit,
Lana! Im going to kill Archer
unless I get my way, Lana!
CROMARTIE
So, youve been spying on me.
ARCHER (VIDEO SYSTEM)
Were all spies, Sir
Creeps-a-lot! Everyone is spying
on everyone else!
ARCHER slams his fist on a panel in front of him. The
video device in front of CROMARTIE sparks and shorts out.

29.
30

INT. SPY AGENCY: SECRET AREA - MOMENTS LATER

ARCHER and LANA are sat in a small room by a dated
computer that has been running the agencies wireless video
service.
LANA is in a cream coloured bikini.
LANA
Do you have to antagonise him?
ARCHER
Have we met before, Lana? What do
you think the answer to that
question is?! Besides, were safe
down here in Cheryls bunker.
Theres no way hellCROMARTIE crashes through the screen wall to the small
room theyre sat in like a rhino.
LANA
Might be time to rethink what you
thought you knew.
ARCHER
Ythink?!

31

INT. BRANDO BIANCOS APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

BRANDO BIANCO is draped in silk sheets. He is clearly not
wearing any clothes and is actually ridiculously hairy.
He has two women on either side of him who are fast asleep
and a laptop perched on his knee.
On his screen, we see him doing social media searches for
Donald Badd. No results found.
BRANDO
Why can I not find you, my
friend?
A single tear.

32

INT. SPY AGENCY - PAMS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

ARCHER, disheveled (but in his suit and tie) arrives at
PAMs HR office with an equally disheveled LANA (in her
white dress).
He tries the door, but its locked. LANA pulls her gun and
aims it at the lock.
PAM
Woah! Woah. If you want to be let
into my office, heres an idea:
just ask?!

30.

ARCHER
Okay. We need you to let us into
your office. We need dirt on
Cromartie.
PAM
No can do! Thatd be a serious
breach of HR protocol!
ARCHER
Then why offer?!
LANA
Pam, either you let us in, or I
shoot the lock.
PAM
No! I wont do it.
ARCHER
Shoot the lock!
LANA misses every shot from her automatic TEC-9, but still
makes a big enough hole in the door for them to step
though her guns click as they run out of ammo.
ARCHER
Close enough.
They enter the room, stepping over a massive amount of
wrappers and empty bags for fast food and snacks as they
go towards the filing cabinet.
ARCHER
Holy crap, Pam. Clean up once in
a while.
PAM
I wasnt expecting guests,
Archer!
ARCHER
...Well now you look silly.
Lesson learned. Always expect
guests. Or me to break into your
office. Same thing, really?
Basically.
PAM
Not really!
ARCHER slides a drawer of the cabinet open and starts to
throw files behind him as he searches.
ARCHER
R Gillette... C Figgis... ..hey, Brett still has a file!

31.

When ARCHER throws BRETTs file, it lands in the paper

shredder and is destroyed.
PAM
...Had a file. He had a file.
ARCHER grabs a folder that looks newer than the others he
cracks it open.
ARCHER
D Cromartie! Let me see here.
Cromartie was discharged from MI6
because of his dissociative
personality disorders and general
psychopathic tendencies. Mother
got him cheap. Typical mother.
PAM
So hes a psychopath?
ARCHER
Duh, Pam. You dont get to be in
this business without being some
kind of -opath!
PAM
-opath?
ARCHER
You know, psychopath, sociopathCROMARTIE (O.S)
-raises his voice so loud that
Duchess can definitely find
him-opath?
Silence as CROMARTIE walks through the gap in the door.
PAM
Im just gonna... let myself out.
CROMARTIE pulls out his handgun.
CROMARTIE
I think not.
PAM looks spooked.
PAM (QUIET)
Okay.
CROMARTIE looks at LANA.
CROMARTIE
Why mongoose? Over me. He has no
edge.

32.

LANA
Could be the fact that youre not
all there in the head. Or, could
be the fact that ..and he will
never let me live this down ...
hes fantastic and doesnt need
to be edgy to get his job done.
ARCHER
-and yknow, just as a follow up.
I still dont see what makes you
think that Im like a mongoose- I
dont live in an abandoned burrow
-or ...well I do make giggling
noises sometimes before I have
sex depending on how sober I am,
but theres no way you couldve
known that!
CROMARTIE
... Just listen to him speak.
Would you really turn away all of
this?
CROMARTIE lifts his shirt, revealing his rippling muscles.
PAM makes a donkey noise.
LANA
Well... uh...
LANA walks towards CROMARTIE slowly.
ARCHER
Lana. What are you doing? Lana!
LANA wraps her arms around CROMARTIE.
She grabs an empty bottle of wine from on top of the
counter behind him and smashes it over his head.
CROMARTIE is dazed and the captive trio take their
opportunity to escape, heading down the corridor.
33

EXT. MALORYS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

ARCHER, LANA and PAM arrive at the door to MALORYs
OFFICE. CHERYL is sat at her usual desk.
ARCHER
Right, once were inside, well
be safe until we can call the FBI
or something. Its the most
...well honestly, the only
armoured room in the building.
Click. The sound of a gun being loaded. Everyone freezes.

33.
CROMARTIE is standing behind ARCHER.
CROMARTIE
You wont be going in there,
Mongoose. Its time for you to
die.
Beep.
ARCHER
Yeah, but alternatively, I could
not? Have you thought about that?
CROMARTIE
Not really?
Beep.
ARCHER
Maybe you should! I mean whats
even your endgame after you kill
me, anyway? Lana falls into your
arms, you steal my life and no
one ever finds it weird?
Beep beep beep beep.
CROMARTIE
Basically. Yes. Goodbye, MongooThe beeping is coming from inside CHERYLs DESK. They both
turn their heads to look at it.
ARCHER
What is that noise?
CHERYL
Baby proximity alarm.
CHERYL gestures downwards. We now see that BABY AJ is
stood between ARCHER and CROMARTIE. Shes holding a gun
and has it pointed at CROMARTIE.
CROMARTIE is pointing his gun right back.
CROMARTIE (TO CHERYL)
What are you? Some kind of
monster?
LANA
Said the man pointing his gun at
a baby!
CHERYL shrugs.
AJ fires the gun and the booze inside hits CROMARTIEs
eyes and chest.

34.

CROMARTIE (DISTRESSED)
My best jumper!
ARCHER
My best kick to the face!
Wha-cha!
ARCHER does a spin kick, hitting CROMARTIE in the jaw. It
knocks him to the ground.
He then wastes no time in grabbing CROMARTIEs gun as he
drops it.
PAM
Not your best one-liner.
ARCHER
No one asked you, Pam!
ARCHER
Yknow, the edgy thing to do
would be to shoot you. ...and not
with a gun flask.
CROMARTIE
I mean you could do that. Or you
could ...not?
SLAM TO CREDITS