Dear Father Christmas,

Re: Christmas Presents

I have been informed that you are the appropriate person to write to regarding matters
pertaining to the celebration of Christmas and, more particularly, the question of gifts
associated therewith.

I write on behalf of both myself and my sister, who, not being of an age to make her
own representations, has duly authorised me to act on her behalf.

Our principal concern is the vexed question of our lawful entitlement to presents and
other gifts which it is customary to receive on or around 25 December. As I understand
the procedure, I am obliged to warrant to you that my behaviour in the preceding 12
month period has been of such a standard (normally defined as ‘good’) as to elicit the
receipt of the aforementioned gifts that shall be of a nature suitable to my age,
experience and aptitude.

My sister will, of course, vouchsafe my conduct for the stipulated period and, of course,
I can confirm that, in the main, her conduct has been satisfactory. You will no doubt
wish to speak to my parents in this regard, and please take this letter as my express
consent to the same. They are, I am informed, prepared to provide written references
in order to expedite matters.

You should note, however, that both parents frequently exhibit signs of tiredness and
stress, which I anticipate they may attribute to their children (and which I wholly deny),
and as such I would question their ability to distinguish bad behaviour from what I
would consider appropriate conduct for someone in my circumstances.

Without prejudice to the contents of any parental references I would like to point out
that the issue to do with the felt-tip pens was, as my sister will testify, wholly her
responsibility, and due sanctions were imposed at the time. I would respectfully suggest
that, having received her punishment, to withhold any presents would be a
disproportionate response, given her age etc.

There may have been incidents during the year which (whilst not admitted) could,
prima facie, be considered as behaviour not meeting the requisite standard entitling me
to presents in accordance with the procedure. It has been alleged that on or around
January of this year I was overcome with jealousy and forcefully took a number of
items that were lawfully in the possession of my sister, assaulting her in the process.
Again, penalties were imposed at the time, which I accepted. My behaviour in the more
recent past has, as again I am sure my sister will confirm, has been the model of sibling
tenderness.

The remaining allegations concern general disobedience to parental instruction. Before

tendering a guilty plea on those matters (which are not admitted), I would require full
disclosure of witness statements and relevant evidence together with copies of the most
recent parental behaviour policy, with an indication of the specific breaches thereof.
You should note that, notwithstanding my father’s protestations to the contrary, the
policy is: (i) drafted in liberal terms; (ii) extremely vague when it comes to the
appropriate sanctions to be imposed regarding any given misconduct; (iii) subject to a
number of exceptions arising from custom and practice; and (iv) is applied
inconsistently.

It should also be noted that I have displayed a number of positive attributes you ought
properly to take into account as a counterbalance to any alleged misdemeanours.
Indeed, I consider that I am well on the way to developing a personality full of humour,
sociability, intelligence and wit. (I put it no higher than that.) My success is in no small
part due to the example of my sister who, accordingly, should have her case reviewed
in the light of this fact.

Further, and in the alternative, I trust that full account will be taken of all mitigating
factors which include, but are not limited to: the general untidiness of the house, which
provides an environment where throwing things and messiness is encouraged; the
tiredness of the principal carers, which induces an atmosphere less than conducive to
good behaviour; and, frankly, the provocation of having to share Thomas the Tank
Engine with others who fail to appreciate the significance of property ownership.

My own view, for the avoidance of doubt, is that for children under 5 the twelve-month
rule should be relaxed, but disregarding that fact, I trust that you will accept that I (and
my sister) have satisfied the appropriate standard as set out in the procedure. My sister
and I reserve our rights with respect to any further proceedings against our parents
relating to the references and the contents thereof, which need not concern you.

A list of preferred toys etc will follow under separate cover, together with a plan of the
house showing the location of the chimneys.

Yours sincerely

Jack Graham (Aged 3 ½ years)