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The Heckler’s Prospectus

Or, Suggestions For Amplified Verbal Assaults

By Rick Paulas
Table of Contents

Arizona Diamondbacks……………………………………………………………… 3
Atlanta Braves………………………………………………………………………..….6
Baltimore Orioles……………………………………………………………….………9
Boston Red Sox………………………………………………………………….……..12
Chicago Cubs…………………………………………………………………….…….15
Chicago White Sox……………………………………………………………….…....18
Cincinnati Reds………………………………………………………………………..21
Cleveland Indians………………………………………………………………….….23
Colorado Rockies…………………………………………………………………...…26
Detroit Tigers…………………………………………………………………….…….29
Florida Marlins………………………………………………………………….……..32
Houston Astros……………………………………………………………………...…35
Kansas City Royals……………………………………………………………………38
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim…………………………………………………….41
Los Angeles Dodgers………………………………………………………….………44
Milwaukee Brewers…………………………………………………………….……..47
Minnesota Twins……………………………………………………………..……….49
New York Mets………………………………………………………………………...52
New York Yankees…………………………………………………………………….55
Oakland Athletics……………………………………………………………………..58
Philadelphia Phillies…………………………………………………………...……..61
Pittsburgh Pirates…………………………………………………………………..…63
St. Louis Cardinals…………………………………………………………………….66
San Diego Padres……………………………………………………………...………69
San Francisco Giants………………………………………………………………….72
Seattle Mariners…………………………………………………………………….…75
Tampa Bay Rays………………………………………………………………….……78
Texas Rangers…………………………………………………………………………81
Toronto Blue Jays…………………………………………………………………..…84
Washington Nationals………………………………………………………………..86

(To Be Used During the 2008 Season)

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Arizona Diamondbacks

Burke, Chris – From the top prospect in the Astros organization in 2005, to a
presumed role as a utility substitute this year with the Diamondbacks, it’s been a
quick fall from grace for Burke, one which you should examine in a poster that
includes an hilarious addendum on the bottom, as if he’s fallen so far he’s off the
chart!

Byrnes, Eric – Start by claiming how big of a fan you are, and how you follow all
of his various radio and television shows, which deal mostly with his life off the
field. Then admit that, for the life of you, even though you know Byrnes is
married, you’ve never seen or heard much about this alleged wife of his. On the
other hand, you sure have heard a lot about his dog Bruin. Conclude your
external dialogue by hazarding an educating guess that Byrnes is fucking his
dog.

Drew, Stephen - Relate the fact that, when parents say that “they love all of their
children equally”, really they’re just hedging their bets, reserving the right to
name their favorite until one of them amounts to something. And now that
Drewʹs brother J.D. won a World Championship last year, you can imagine
which ring theyʹre throwing their hat into.

Haren, Dan - Admit that while you might not have your finger on the pulse of
baseball, one thing youʹve been hearinʹ is that Dan Haren is overrated. When he
asks who you heard this from, point to your friend and run away.

Hudson, Orlando – After his team had clinched a playoff spot last year, O-Dog
got a boo-boo on his thumb. One that was so bad that, after getting some advice
from his agent, he elected to have season-ending surgery instead of gutting it out
and trying to help his team in the post-season. As such, renting out a booth in
center field to display an empty jar which you’ve marked “Orlando Hudson’s
Loyalty & Determination” should suffice.

Jackson, Conor – His father, actor John M. Jackson, is most famous for his role as
Rear Admiral A.J. Chegwidden on the hit CBS show JAG, a title you should
always refer to with an added suffix of “-off”. Also, find out exactly what a “Rear
Admiral” does, besides of course being a master of All Things Anal.

Johnson, Randy - When you show up during the first few games dressed as a

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dove, the bird of peace the Big Unit killed with a fastball a few years back, heʹs
not going to react much. By the 5th game, heʹll notice you and smile in
recognition. By the 48th game, the realization of killing such a wondrous creature
will finally get to him and heʹll retire from the game forever. If he makes it 48
games this year.

Lyon, Brandon – Four year ago, Brandon and Sara Lyon welcomed their first-
born son Isaac into their lives. And, while you’re no Biblical scholar, you do seem
to recall a passage in the Old Testament about some bearded guy who also had a
wife named Sara(h) and a son named Isaac. Except, in this case, the fella took
young Isaac up to the top of a mountain and tried to kill him, you know, since
God demanded it and all. Luckily, just before he finished the deed, an angel
came down from heaven and told guy -- was it Abraham? -- that God was just
bullshitting around again. Wonder aloud if God still has the self-restraint not to
let another husband-of-Sara kill their son Isaac. Or maybe His bloodlust has
finally become insatiable.

Owings, Micah - Known best as a pitcher with an alarmingly high batting


average -- his .333 average is fourth best all time for pitchers with over 50 at-bats
-- state that he better not stop getting hits while heʹs on the mound, you know,
since heʹs such a horrible, horrible pitcher.

Peña, Tony – Admit that, while you would usually heckle him, you’re not even
sure which Tony Peña he is. According to census reports, there are literally
437,482 of them in America. And that’s not countinʹ the illegals.

Petit, Yusmeiro – Hint that you have first-hand knowledge that the only thing
“petit” about Yusmeiro is the amount of genitals he received on his body as a
result of an unlucky combination of his maternal and paternal genetic makeup.
On second thought, better make that at least second-hand knowledge.

Reynolds, Mark – Reynolds is known throughout certain dorky circles of


baseball as bearing a striking resemblance to Star Wars hero Luke Skywalker.
Not because of how he looks, but because he also wants to fuck his sister. And
his dad’s kind of a prick.

Snyder, Chris – Usable information on Snyder is scarce, meaning it’s time to take
a break from negativity. Use this time to close your eyes, massage your vocal
chords with some warm tea, and practice your favorite deep-breathing exercises.
After the rest, slowly warm back up your heckling muscles by calling Snyder an

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asshole.

Tracy, Chad – Observe that they must have his names turned around, you know,
since he acts like a girl and all. Make sure to follow the heckle by apologizing to
all females around you, stating that just because you’ve used their gender as a
derogatory term doesn’t mean you disrespect them or feel they are inferior in
any way. It’s just that, in the society we live in, attacking another male’s
manhood by comparing him to a female is the most effective way of mentally
assaulting them. While offering this explanation, protect your genitals with both
hands.

Upton, Justin - Admit that you sure wouldnʹt be able to handle the pressure
associated with being the first overall draft choice in 2005. In fact, you canʹt see
how anyone can. Spend the final 7 innings delivering a soaring rendition of Billy
Joelʹs ʺPressureʺ, substituting ʺdo-do-do-do-do-do-do-doʺ for the piano parts.

Webb, Brandon – Last year, he had only three straight complete game shutouts.
Pussy.

Young, Chris – As a self-proclaimed White Sox fan, the author of this entry has
vowed never to acknowledge the existence of the young power-hitting, super-
fast, soon-to-be superstar centerfielder. If you had an ounce of appreciation in
your soul for the heckles you’ve previously read, you’d do the same.

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Atlanta Braves

Diaz, Matt - Last year, Diaz was issued corrective lenses after doctors found out
that his depth perception was ʺvirtually non-existentʺ. With that in mind,
reprinted below for your heckling ease, the lyrics to the theme song of one of
SNLʹs most poorly used recurring characters:
ʺIs it far, far away, or just close by
It all looks the same, when seen from the eye
of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception.
He canʹt explain, why to his brain
it all looks like a two-dimensional plane.
Heʹs Mr. No-Depth Perception.ʺ

Escobar, Yunel - With the trade of Edgar Renteria, Escobar will take over the
shortstop role all by himself, despite being in the majors less than a year. Now,
youʹre no psychiatric doctor, but youʹd have to imagine that there would be an
awful lot of pressure on anyone in that position. In fact, you wouldnʹt be
surprised if a lot of that sweat streaming from his brow isnʹt from the heat of the
sun, but instead from the sudden realization that, really, heʹs probably going to
let him teammates down sooner rather than later.

Francoeur, Jeff - A vocal and outspoken born-again Christian, prod him


continually to tell you when exactly he hit ʺrock bottomʺ, since you know thatʹs
the reason most folks become ʺborn-againʺ. When he relents and finally admits
the moment, post the findings on the Internet, giving the rest of us ample
ammunition for The Ultimate Heckle.

Glavine, Tom - Leaving the Mets, Glavine has returned to the Braves, bringing
his career full circle in what seems to be a year-long farewell tour. Of course, he
hasnʹt come out and said heʹs going to retire after this year, but feel free to
constantly carry signage proclaiming ʺThanks for the memoriesʺ, ʺWeʹre going to
miss youʺ and ʺWeʹll always remember the important role you played in the
strike. Good riddance!ʺ

Hampton, Mike - Get across your complete bafflement you have that Hampton
is still out there pitching, for you were positive he was already dead, or else you
would have chosen him in this yearʹs Death Pool.

Hudson, Tim - For the second year in a row, Hudson won the Roberto Clemente

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Award, given to players who have ʺoutstanding performances on the field and in
the communityʺ. What Hudson doesnʹt know is that theyʹre also given to the
players most likely to die in a plane crash. Remind him about the teamʹs charter
flight currently sitting on the runway, idling as it waits for its date with destiny.

James, Chuck - Before the 2002 draft, James broke both of his wrists while
attempting to dive off a roof into a swimming pool. Remind him of this tramatic
event, and of the larger trauma: falling to the 20th round of the draft because
teams were scared to gamble on a pitcher without wrists. Yell ʺCanonball!ʺ every
chance you get, which will be many because baseballʹs a long game.

Johnson, Kelly – Performing Woody Harrelson’s brilliant “Kelly” song from


Cheers will do.

Jones, Chipper - The nickname ʺchipperʺ comes from family members who felt
he was a ʺchip off the old blockʺ of his father. Mull over the sentiments of the
nickname out loud, wondering if Chipperʹs dad also fathered an illegitimate
child with a Hooterʹs waitress back in 1998, or if that was an instance where
Chipper was chipping off from a different block entirely.

Jurrjens, Jair - Under no circumstances should you believe him, no matter how
many times he answers your question about whether or not his real name is Jair.

Kotsay, Mark - More like Mark NOT-say! (Note: When speaking, make sure to
enuciate the adjusted last name, or those around you may think youʹre making a
statement implying that Kotsay is a proponent of the Master Race theory.)

McCann, Brian - Since high school, him and Francoeur have been best friends.
They probably spent many high school nights awake, sleeping at each otherʹs
houses, talking about how, one day, theyʹd be on the same major league team.
And now they are! Point out that, while youʹre happy for them now, they should
prepare themselves for the inevitability that one of them willeventually be
traded. And then, ultimately, one of them will die before the other.

Soriano, Rafael - Dressing up like Angels slugger Vlad Guerrero, the man who
gave him a concussion by hitting him with a line drive in the face, should do the
trick.

Smoltz, John - In 2004, Smoltz wondered that if the country were to make same-
sex marriage legal, whether or not marrying an animal would next be allowed.

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Show him that his worried are, indeed, grounded in reality by dressing as an
animal of your choice with a wedding veil stapled to the head. Our advice:
Comment on his recent divorce by dressing up as a horse and holding a sign
reading ʺOur relationship is more stable than yoursʺ.

Teixeria, Mark - Showcase the knowledge you learned in 5th grade English
classes: ʺThat ʹiʹ comes before ʹeʹ except after ʹcʹ, unless itʹs in the last name of a
player who sucksʺ. Clarify that itʹs not you making up these rules, itʹs the English
language. And if he canʹt accept that, as a freedom-hating traitor, he should
move elsewhere.

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Baltimore Orioles

Albers, Matt - In 2006, Albers won the Texas League Pitcher of the Year Award.
Since youʹre aware of the only things that come out of Texas, inquire as to which
one Albers is, a steer or a queer?

Báez, Danys - Another Cuban defector, dress up in your favorite Castro costume,
sit in Báezʹs line of sight behind the plate, and spend the entire game sulking in
silence. Every now and then, glare and point at Danys, as if suggesting heʹs
yours, and thereʹs nothing he can do about it.

Bradford, Chad - Known for his submarine style of pitching, lump him in with
another group of people known for their submarining ability: The Nazis.

Burres, Brian - Since Burres is a twin, let him know that his brother must have
gotten the looks. Once this heckle befuddles him and he gives up a hit, follow it
up by commenting that it looks like the twin brother got the athletic ability too.

Cabrera, Daniel - Always a possessor of dominant pitching ʺstuffʺ, the one thing
thatʹs kept Cabrera extremely mediocre is his inability to harness control of any
kind, walking somewhere near 47 batters an inning. If he canʹt even control his
arm, itʹs obvious that heʹll never be able to control his woman! For some reason,
exploiting a playerʹs masculinity seems to work best when dealing with those of
Dominican descent due to that whole ʺmachismoʺ thing.

Gibbons, Jay - During his 7 years on the Orioles, Gibbons has played only 779 of
a possible 1,134 contests. Not exactly an Iron Man in the tradition of fellow
Oriole, Cal something-or-other. But let him know that you understand itʹs not all
his fault heʹs been hurt so much; itʹs probably the illegal steroids and other
performance-enhancing substances heʹs been taking that are to blame.

Guthrie, Jeremy - A fervent member of The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-
day Saints, admit that it was probably worth 2 years of his major league career to
serve a mission in Spain seeing as, according to LDS belief, heʹll be getting his
own planet soon enough. Follow-up with a question about fitting a jock strap
underneath his magic underwear.

Hernández, Luis - Known as a ʺgreat defensive shortstopʺ throughout the


league, let him know that itʹs a designation generally reserved by players who

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suck at hitting, himself not being an exception.

Hernández, Ramón - Great friends with Miguel Tejada, the two are godfathers to
each otherʹs children. Wonder aloud if Ramón has perhaps reconsidered that
decision, seeing as Tejada hasnʹt really been acting like a role model, what with
all of those steroids heʹs been eating and all.

Huff, Aubrey - In the offseason, during an appearance on the Bubba the Love
Sponge radio show, Huff complained about Baltimore being a ʺhorseshit cityʺ.
As such, itʹs best to save your voice, seeing as any heckles you throw Huffʹs way
will get drowned out in the chorus of boos.

Jones, Adam - The high-profile prospect that was the prize in the Erik Bedard
trade with Seattle, Jones sure has a lot to live up to. If not, the Orioles
organization will continue to be seen as a laughingstock, leading the franchise to
eventually move out of the city under the guise of darkness, causing the citizens
to finally say ʺenough is enoughʺ and begin frenzied rioting, leaving millions
dead in its wake. And all that blood will be on his hands. No pressure.

Loewen, Adam - A young prospect with a tremendous amount of talent, the one
situation heʹll never be able to pitch out of is that his last name rhymes with
ʺBlowinʺ. Use this mercilessly.

Markakis, Nick - In the same way, ʺmore like Nick MarGAYkis!ʺ After
delivering the phrase, be prepared for an onslaught of high-fives in your
direction. Because you are awesome.

Millar, Kevin - One of the only players in the majors who is not a member of the
MLBPA -- he was barred from membership in the club because of crossing the
picket line during the beginning of the ʹ95 season -- ask Millar how it feels that
the club put a ʺNo Kevin Millars Allowedʺ sign up on its door. Also, complain
about this scab thatʹs been bugging you.

Mora, Melvin - In 2001, his wife gave birth to quintuplets. This means five
children came out of her. At once. Comment that this explains Moraʹs strange
pauses after every sentence, seeing as him home now has a built-in echo effect.

Olson, Garrett - A student at California Polytechnic State University in San Luis


Obispo, a university known for its highly respected engineering program, Olson
left college early to pursue his baseball career, a few credits short of obtaining his

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engineering degree. Let him know that this is a shame, obviously, since itʹs clear
his future is not in baseball.

Payton, Jay - From Zanesville, Ohio, Payton was an extremely bright student,
graduating in the top 4% of his class. Good thing too, because his playing career
should have been over for 3 years ago.

Ray, Chris - Ray will most likely miss the entire 2008 season after undergoing
Tommy John surgery. Because heʹs a pussy.

Roberts, Brian - Another one of the Mitchell Report Boys, Roberts was busted
after only using steroids once (at least thatʹs what he admitted). Let him know
that while you believe him, you canʹt help but think of the dozens, nay, hundreds
of other players who took steroids way more often in their careers and didnʹt
have to face the public scorn that Roberts had to, just for taking it one itty-bitty
time. And, in Robertsʹ case, it didnʹt even do anything.

Scott, Luke - On July 28, 2006, Scott became the first rookie in Astros history to
hit for the cycle, an event that included his first career home run. Draw a
diagram showing how Scottʹs life peaked at that moment, illustrating itʹs all
downhill from here.

Sherrill, George - Named the closer of the team, let Sherrill know that since heʹs
on the wrong side of 30, this will probably be his last chance to make an impact
in his major league career. Of course, if you happen to catch him after heʹs
already lost the position (over/under is the start of May), simply shake your head
and say ʺthatʹs a shameʺ.

Trachsel, Steve - Born in Oxnard, a town up the coast from Los Angeles, a city
that is best known for completely sucking. Attack the city of his youth by
claiming Oxnard got itʹs name because the testicle of an ox is the only item in the
world thatʹs worse.

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Boston Red Sox

Beckett, Josh - A fan of the San Antoinio Spurs, spend the entire game
wondering how he can root for such a dirty, dirty, filthy, nasty, dirty team thatʹs
full of a bunch of cheaters.

Buchholz, Clay - Give him a homemade-produced DVD of his no-hitter last year,
which includes the bonus feature of your directorʹs commentary, where you
make it a point to mention as many times as possible that heʹs never going to be
better than he was that night.

Casey, Sean - In a 2007 Sports Illustrated poll, Casey won the award for
ʺfriendliest player in baseballʺ, which makes you wonder, why does he feel the
need to be friendly to everyone? What is he hiding? More importantly, what does
he want? As a safety precaution, keep your children away from him.

Crisp, Coco - Ask Crisp how it feels to be hated by his own parents since,
judging by his name, thereʹs no way they liked him at all. In fact, go ahead and
assume he was a mistake and ruined their lives.

Delcarmen, Manny - Scream out ʺManny!ʺ as loud as you can, and when
Delcarmen looks at you, let him know that you werenʹt talking to him but rather
to the much cooler, much richer Manny Ramirez, which shouldnʹt be much of a
surprise to Delcarmen, seeing as no one ever wants to talk to him.

Drew, J.D. - Dress up in a Tony LaRussa costume (sunglasses, Cardinals hat,


long hair wig, lots of alcohol) and continually question Drewʹs passion. When he
tries to retort and says that he, in fact, does have passion, ask him to prove it.
Conclude the heckle by bending over with your posterior facing Drew.

Ellsbury, Jacoby - Let him know that, if he wants to be taken seriously and not
just as a tiny cute player with some spunk, perhaps itʹs best to lose that ʺyʺ at the
end of his first name. Itʹs just too darn cute.

Lester, Jon - Congratulate him on making a seemingly full recovery from


cancerous lymphoma. Afterwards, stress that you said ʺseeminglyʺ because those
kinds of things have tendency to never fully go away. They can kind of creep
back at any moment.

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Lowell, Mike - In 1999, he was diagnosed with and treated for testicular cancer.
While itʹs unclear if he had to lose any testicles as a result of the treatment, go
ahead and assume so and begin hurling many oh-so-clever insults towards him.

Lugo, Julio - Wearing a white sleeveless T-shirt and explaining to others that, in
some circles, itʹs known as a ʺWIFEBEATER!!!!ʺ should get the trick done.

Matsuzaka, Daisuke - Get under his skin by phonetically speaking his first
name, putting an emphasis on the latter portion of it.

Okajima, Hideki - Okajima has a strange pitching delivery, where he actually


looks towards the ground when he lets go of the ball. Ask him how heʹs so sure
that his pitch will not hit the batter in the head? Does he trust his pitching
mechanics that much? Seems like quite the gamble to you.

Ortiz, David - Since marrying his wife, who is a native of Wisconsin, Ortiz has
been a fan of the Green Bay Packers. Spend the entire game explaining why
exactly Brett Favre was overrated. Make sure to use the past tense in order to
really hammer home the reality that Favre has retired. Hopefully.

Papelbon, Jonathan - Seeing that Papelbon got some national fame for his silly
dances during last yearʹs postseason to a Dropkick Murphys song, now is a good
time to use your heckling platform as a way of promoting your view that The
Departed is a horrible, horrible movie. When people disagree with you, simply let
them know that their opinion is wrong, which it is.

Pedroia, Dustin - The 2007 AL Rookie of the Year, go down the list of other
ROYs from the past decade, names like Eric Hinske, Angel Berroa, Kaz Sasaki,
and Ben Grieve. Midway through the list, wonder if the AL ROY is baseballʹs
version of the ʺGrammyʹs Best New Artistʺ award, seeing as most of the winners
end up being horrible.

Ramirez, Manny - Known for his lackadaisical approach to baseball (the so-
called ʺManny being Mannyʺ rule) blow his mind by making him aware that, one
day, everyone he knows is going to die. That cold hard fact should serious him
up some.

Schilling, Curt - Ask him if he regrets campaigning for President Bush during
the 2004 election, seeing at how the second term of his presidency has gone.
When he denies regretting it, as folks in that position tend to do, ask him if he

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has yet been tested for autism.

Tavárez, Julián - A fiery personality whoʹs been on 8 teams throughout his 14-
year career, a journeyman resume such as that can only mean one thing: no one
really likes him. Sure, they can tolerate him for a while, but when allʹs said and
done, his annoying personality just isnʹt worth it. Relay this to him -- if possible,
do it in Spanish to make it more personal -- and wait for the tears to stroll down
his heartbroken cheek.

Varitek, Jason - In 1984, Varitek was in the Little League World Series, playing a
variety of positions for the team who ended up losing in the championship to the
South Korean squad. In the series, Varitek went 0-for-7 with a couple of walks.
Thank him for letting down our country. Jerk.

Wakefield, Tim - Ask him how it feels to be the last of a dying breed of
knuckleballers. When he begins to answer sincerely sucker-punch him with a
question about how it felt to be left off the postseason roster for last yearʹs World
Champs.

Youkilis, Kevin - Given the nickname ʺThe Greek God of Walksʺ in the
bestselling book Moneyball, call him a heretic and offer a Bible to consult if he
wants to repent from his pagan ways. If he refuses, throw Jesus Fish at him.

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Chicago Cubs

Dempster, Ryan - Known as an easy-going guy who constantly jokes around


with the fans, ask him why he needs to have everyoneʹs approval so bad. When
he fails to answer, assume itʹs because he didnʹt get enough love from his mother
and spend the next 5-7 years patting him on the head, assuring him that
everythingʹs going to be alright, now that Mamaʹs here. Conclude the heckle by
abandoning him on the street after telling him heʹll never amount to anything.

DeRosa, Mark - Dressing in ER scrubs and defibrillating your buddy with two
empty beer cups, after first loudly yelling out the requisite ʺclear!ʺ, should work
fine.

Fukudome, Kosuke - Stay away from the whole ʺlast name looks like fuck youʺ
nonsense -- thereʹll be plenty of frat guys in the bleachers going that route -- and
instead remind Fukudome of the many, many, many family members he left
back in Japan, most of which heʹll never see again.

Hill, Rich - Born ʺRichard Hillʺ, continually remind Hill that his name is a
homosexual manʹs paradise: an actual hill made entirely of dicks! Performing
songs from ʺXanaduʺ is a nice capper.

Lee, Derrek - His father, Leon Lee, is a former professional ballplayer who
served as consultant during the making of the Tom Selleck classic Mr. Baseball,
which was actually based on the career of Leonʹs older brother Leron Lee. All
this is a roundabout way of saying you should reenact the scene of Tom Selleck
at the mini-urinal.

Lieber, Jon - While he throws with his right hand, he bats as a lefty. This is the
sign of a fractured mind. According to most films, crazy people donʹt like it when
you call them ʺcrazyʺ, usually getting defensive about such labels. Therefore, call
Lieber ʺcrazyʺ.

Lilly, Ted - Last year, Lilly turned the corner from being merely a mediocre
pitcher to becoming an above-average-to-dominant starter. Unfortuntely, it came
right after signing his big contract with the Cubs. Lilly evidenly doesnʹt
understand the concept of ʺcontract yearʺ, so explain it to him. Conclude your
explanation by realizing heʹs going to be 35 at the end of his current contract, so
your previous spiel is basically meaningless, since no oneʹs going to take a

15
chance on a player that old. Too bad.

Marquis, Jason - According to Wikipedia, Marquis plays acoustic guitar for the
final track of Nada Surfʹs latest album, ʺLuckyʺ. Nada Surf, known best for their
hit-song ʺPopularʺ in 1996, is a band that sucks. Let Jason in on this fact.

Marmol, Carlos - Nicknamed ʺWild Thingʺ by Cubs fans because of the


electrifying movement of his pitches, turn your heckling attention from the field
and into the stands, berating the crowd for being completely unoriginal hacks,
like another Carlos named Mencia. When someone suggests Mencia is hilarious,
retort with a punch in the face.

Marshall, Sean - Before making the major league team back in 2006, Marshall
spent time with the teamʹs single-A affiliate the Lansing Lugnuts, who play in
Oldsmobile Park in Lansing, Michigan. He was there until 2004, the same year
General Motors discontinued producing the Oldsmobile, the line of cars for
which the stadium was named. As such, don your Michael Moore costume -- a
beard, an MSU hat, and 150 extra pounds -- grab a camera, and berate Marshall
for causing Americaʹs economic downturn.

Pie, Felix - Relate to the young outfielder that the common phrase ʺeasy as pieʺ
comes from his heritage, specifically his mother, who was a slut.

Ramirez, Aramis - Since youʹll need a bullhorn to deliver your taunts over the
sure-to-be loud protests of PETA -- Ramirez recently admitted to raising
cockfighting roosters in the Dominican Republic -- give him a visual heckle by
stitching together two replica jerseys to create a fictional player named Ramirick
who plays for the Chiclanta Falcubs. If PETA happens to be absent from the
game, just make liberal use of the word ʺcockʺ and youʹll be fine.

Soriano, Alfonso - Soriano is only the 4th player ever to be part of the 40-40 Club
after Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez. Suggest the group change
their name to the ʺJuicers and Douchers Clubʺ, since all members of the group
have been accused of taking steroids and/or are big douchebags. Ask Soriano
which category he fits into.

Soto, Geovany - Calling him ʺGeovany So-soʺ might unnerve him a bit, but if
you can find a way to compare him to ʺTotoʺ -- either the fictional little dog or
the Grammy Award-winning rock band -- in a way thatʹs not too convulted, you
are a better person than us.

16
Theriot, Ryan - No matter what people say, or his biography states, Theriot is
from Canada, a country you should urge him to return immediately.

Wood, Kerry - Remark aloud that youʹre sure this will be the year he finally puts
all those injury concerns behind him and lives up to the brilliance he flashed as a
budding young superstar. Heʹs past them. In fact, heʹs so past them that youʹre
sure he never even thinks about the untold millions of dollars he left on the table
because he couldnʹt find a way to stay healthy.

Zambrano, Carlos - A fiery personality who points to the sky every time he
leaves the mound, wonder aloud that if the Man Upstairs is All-Powerful and
All-Knowing, then isnʹt He also responsible for all the horrors in the world, like
that bunt single Zambrano gave up back in the 3rd inning. This paradox should
keep him busy for awhile.

17
Chicago White Sox

Anderson, Brian – Tell Anderson that he’s earned his initials of “BA”. However,
let Anderson know that, in this case, they don’t stand for “Bad Ass” but for “Bad
At-the-plate”.

Buehrle, Mark – Known for being one of the quickest pitchers in all of baseball,
taking less time in between pitches than any of his counterparts, let him know
that speed is not always a virtue, such as when you’re having sexual intercourse
with his mother. Conclude with a hearty “Booya!”

Cabrera, Orlando – Let him know that, despite the variety of defensive accolades
he’s received throughout his career, you know that truth that he’s merely an
average fielder.

Contreras, José – Just for the heck of it, inquire as to the current state of his
marriage.

Crede, Joe – A direct descendent of the Renaissance painter Lorenzo di Credi,


remark that his late relative’s depictions of the baby Jesus are ghastly to look at,
seeing as the Child Savior was always drawn so fat.

Danks, John – You can try, but whatever heckle you plan on using, you’ll just
end up settling for some kind of reference to the quality of the weed you are
currently smuggling in your own anus.

Dotel, Octavio – Imply that he got his name from Octavia, the sister of Roman
Emperor Augustus, who most likely had sex with her, since that’s a thing the
Romans are known for.

Dye, Jermaine – Constantly chanting “fractured fibula” in a monotone voice


should be enough, but if it isn’t, bring along a plastic leg from a medical supply
store that you can use to point out exactly how the fibula is, and how it will
always be structurally weakened after such a horrific break.

Fields, Josh – Remind him that, usually, young sluggers of his ilk are actually in
the major leagues instead of toiling in Triple-A. That’s got to smart a bit.

18
Floyd, Gavin – Criticized throughout his career for not “going after” hitters, let
him know that he’s in the right for being careful while pitching, seeing as those
up to bat are generally much, much more talented that himself.

Hall, Toby – Hall has been known to dye his soul patch different colors to mark
a variety of occasions throughout his career. Let him know that this is cute, and
that you’re happy he’s been keeping himself busy while on the bench, which is
often.

Jenks, Bobby – Mock his weight, call him a freak, etc.

Konerko, Paul – Ask him if he regrets choosing the Sox over the Angels yet.
When he shakes his head, start listing all of the incredible hot actresses currently
residing in the greater Los Angeles area.

Linebrink, Scott – One of the better setup men in baseball, remark that you got
something he can hold, with the heavy implication that you’re speaking about
your genitals.

Owens, Jerry – In line for the job in center field before he got hurt, and then
Carlos Quentin’s bat took over in left field, remind him of how close he was to
being a star by holding your thumb and forefinger mere centimeters apart.
Comfort him by suggesting to look on the bright side: He doesn’t have to feel
obligated to hold onto himself in fantasy leagues anymore.

Ozuna, Pablo – Don’t worry too much about him, seeing as he’s a role player
who comes off the bench once a week or so, but if he does end up in the lineup
on the day you’re at the game, just add “Bl-” to the front of his last name and be
done with it.

Pierzynski, A.J. – Calling him a cheater for his drop-third strike incident of the
2005 ALCS is old news – he didn’t cheat, anyway – so instead, make fun of his
horrible wrestling promotions for TNA wrestling, something he had to settle for
because he wasn’t even popular enough for WWE.

Quentin, Carlos – There’s no point in even suggesting a heckle here, because we


all know you’ll only get halfway through it before you’re distracted by his
dreamy eyes, bulging biceps, and incredible eye at the plate. Next!

19
Ramírez, Alexei – Bring your second grade Spelling class to the park, and use
Alexei as an example of the common grammatical rule of “i before e except if he
sucks.”

Richar, Danny – Comment to your friend that Richar better get on the field at
some point, or else he’s definitely not going to get any richer. When finished,
shoot yourself in the head for thinking up such a horrible heckle.

Swisher, Nick – Ask him why exactly he looks up into the sky before every
pitch. Be ready to reply to his answer by proclaiming there is no God.

Thome, Jim – Dress up as your favorite Project Runway contestant – who will
undoubtedly be Christian – and critique Thome’s style of wearing his socks far
too high when he comes up to bat.

Uribe, Juan – Don your best Jon Miller outfit and spend the next half-hour
inserting all sorts of incorrect Hispanic pronunciations to his last name.

Vázquez, Javier – A wine aficionado, exclaim loudly that 1972 was a great year
for wine, you don’t care what the experts say. When he’s visibly angry, offer a
peace offering in the form of your local grocer’s best 2 buck chuck.

20
Cincinnati Reds

Arroyo, Bronson - Dress up like an undead Charles Bronson and berate Arroyo
for his shitty dream of becoming a rock star.

Cordero, Francisco - Nicknamed ʺCocoʺ, list the many similarities he has with
the other CoCo, rapper Ice Tʹs buxom swimsuit model wife. The first oneʹs for
free: A great ass!

Cueto, Johnny - A rookie phenom pitcher, his role model and hero growing up
was Pedro Martinez. Ask him how he feels that Pedro was involved with
cockfighting in the Dominican Republic. When he starts to answer, reply by
putting your finger on his lips and slowly shaking your head in disappointment.

Dunn, Adam - A favorite of Baseball Prospectus for his high rate of ending his
at-bats via one of the Three True Outcomes (walk, strikeout or home run), let
Dunn know that, no matter how his baseball career goes, there is really only One
True Outcome for everyone: the cold grasp of death.

Encarnación, Edwin - Remind him of how he was pulled during a game last year
by manager Jerry Narron for not running out a fly ball. Every 25 seconds.

Fogg, Josh - Ask him why exactly his nickname is ʺDragon Slayerʺ while using
one of those very offensive and stereotypical gay voices.

Freel, Ryan - Arrested twice for alcohol-related incidents in 2006, imply that the
reason he plays so many different positions is simply because heʹs always wasted
and doesnʹt remember where to go. After you explain this, reveal that this entire
game is just one enormous intervention.

González, Álex - Often mistaken for the ex-Cubs shortstop of the same name,
wear your Kerry Wood replica jersey and blame him for the Bartman Incident.
When he gives you a puzzled look, sell your role as a Cubs fan by doing a keg
stand while reciting the 2008 pledge class of your Sigma Nu frat house.

Griffey Jr., Ken - Printing and laminating one of the many articles from 2000
arguing that Griffey would be the person to break Hank Aaronʹs home run
record should produce a few tears, many of them from your own tear ducts,
unless your heart is made of stone.

21
Hairston Jr., Jerry - Another one of the Mitchell Reporters, ask Jerry to take a
look out into right field to see how a good son goes about not disgracing his
family name.

Harang, Aaron - Relentlessly make fun of him for becoming Pedro Martinezʹs
3,000th career strikeout victim. No matter what happens, thatʹs staying on the olʹ
resume of life.

Hatteberg, Scott - An avid fly fisherman, wear a PETA shirt and ask him
whether or not he does the whole ʺcatch and releaseʺ thing. When your shirt
intimidates him into answering yes, call him a pussy.

Patterson, Corey - One of those top prospects that turned out to really just be
mediocre, spend the afternoon comparing him to Hermione from Harry Potter.

Phillips, Brandon - Born in Raliegh, North Carolina, continually interrogate him


about the whereabouts of the Lost Colony of Roanoke.

Ross, David - When he was signed in 2006, Ross was used as a ʺpersonal catcherʺ
for Bronson Arroyo. Funny thing is, it had absolutely nothing to do with
baseball. (Zing!)

Valentin, Javier - Let him know that, no matter how hard he tries, his brother
Jose will always be able to out-pimp him. Mostly because of the ʹstache.

Volquez, Edinson - Nicknamed ʺVoltronʺ, spend the game arguing that Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers was a far superior show. When he begins to make a
compelling counter-argument, just say the words ʺPink Rangerʺ, watch him
spontaneously ejaculate into his pants, and wipe your hands clean, mission
accomplished.

22
Cleveland Indians

Betancourt, Rafael - Known for being so much better than sucky closer Joe
Borowski, loudly brainstorm reasons why he must have caused the team to hate
him so much, seeing that they still wonʹt put him in the role. Make sure to deliver
the heckle in the angry and sarcastic tone of his Ninja Turtle namesake.

Blake, Casey - Whenever heʹs up to bat, perform an intricate one-man


vaudevillian performance of the poem ʺCasey at the Batʺ. If all goes well, and
Blake strikes out just as the Casey in the poem does, take a bow and, if the crowd
demands it, give an encore.

Borowski, Joe - If you look at him real quick, or have prosopagnosia, Borowski
looks exactly like John Rocker. As such, repeatedly ask Borowski why he hates
people of other races so much.

Byrd, Paul - Byrd looks just like Frasier star Kelsey Grammer, which means you
can go one of two ways: (1) be tame, dress up like Sideshow Bob and revel in
your hatred of Bart Simpson by reproducing your favorite lines from the show;
(2) be a bit harsher and ask if he can score you some good drugs or hookers,
preferably both at the same time.

Cabrera, Asdrúbal - Ask Cabrera if he has any recommendations for a good


proctologist, because you have a bad case of the ʺAss Dribbleʺ yourself.

Carmona, Fausto - Lie and tell Fausto you missed watching the entire 2007
baseball season because of a some kind of ailment. However, you do remember
the 2006 season, when Carmona found his way into the closer role for the
Indians, which didnʹt go well, if you recall correctly.

Choo, Shin-Soo - Given his last name (or is it first?), Choo has an ample amount
of nicknames based around locomotives. And while most of them are innocent
enough, introducing the concept of a Gang-Bang Train porn is sure to get his
attention, especially when you reveal youʹre referring to one without pixelated
genitals!

Dellucci, David - A graduate from Catholic High School, an all-male Catholic


college-preparatory school in Baton Rouge, feel free to perm your hair, try on
your best muscle tee, and spend the afternoon delivering A.C. Slater-esque

23
taunts of ʺpreppieʺ to Dellucci. Make sure to use a marker to fill in your dreamy
dimples.

Garko, Ryan - While at Stanford, he was a member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon
fraternity, meaning he must have participated in a number of homosexual
activities during his collegiate career. Spend the afternoon guessing which ones
they were.

Gutiérrez, Franklin - Make sure he recognizes youʹre not say ʺGoo-tierrez!ʺ,


youʹre saying ʺBoo-tierrez!ʺ Because you hate him.

Hafner, Travis - Did you know Hafnerʹs nickname ʺPronkʺ is actually the name
of a sexually act where, without getting too graphic, the man ejaculates into the
womanʹs nose, stuffs the end of her nose with cotton balls, and covers her mouth,
forcing her to blow oxygen out her nose in one explosion of sticky whiteness
which, if done correctly, will emit a Pronk!-type sound? Well, it isnʹt. But Hafner
doesnʹt know that.

Laffey, Aaron - No words, no clever phrases, no remarks about his 88mph


fastball. Just point and laffey at him. (Ba-dum-dum)

Lee, Cliff - Stay away from heckling Lee. He hit Sammy Sosa in the head during
ʺSosa Celebration Nightʺ a few years back, which makes him alright in our book.
Find someone else to taunt.

Marté, Andy - Suggest that since he has never lived up to the hype surrounding
his talents, perhaps itʹs time to try a different career path, one he may be better
suited for. Say, wiping down the glass after a gentlemen uses one of those
personal ʺviewing boothsʺ at a truck stop porn shop. Actually, strike that. You
need some skill for that or youʹll leave streaks.

Martínez, Víctor - Born in Ciudad Bolivar, Venezuela, a key site for the Simon
Bolivar-led struggle for independence from Spain, constantly make fun of El
Libertador by changing the definite article in the phrase from male to feminine.
Yeah! Eat that!

Peralta, Jhonny - Before last year, Peralta opted to have LASIK eye surgery after
suffering from vision problems. Make sure to let him know that, since this is such
a new procedure, long-term tests on patients whoʹve had LASIK are still
inconclusive. In fact, anything could happen to those that have had it. And that

24
anything includes their eyeballs exploding at any moment.

Sabathia, C.C. - Inquire incessently about what exactly the ʺC.Cʺ stands for.
When he doesnʹt respond, suggest an assortment of possibilities, constantly using
words like ʺcockʺ, ʺcumʺ, ʺcravingʺ, ʺcameltoeʺ and ʺC+C Music Factoryʺ.

Sizemore, Grady - Turn your focus to the bleachers and Sizemoreʹs large,
predominantly-female fan section, ʺGradyʹs Ladiesʺ. Ruin their day by
confirming you have a good source who confirms that Grady doesnʹt snuggle
after sex. Ever.

Westbrook, Jake - During his high school career, Westbrook threw six no-hitters.
Suggest that maybe the reason he hasnʹt thrown any in the majors so far is
because he isnʹt as cool as he once was back in the day. To get his cool quotient
back up, offer him a cigarette. Before every pitch.

25
Colorado Rockies

Atkins, Garrett – But a bunch of hot dogs, remove the buns, and throw them at
him. During his pelting, sarcastically thank him for ruining food with his shitty
diet.

Barmes, Clint – In 2005, his Rookie of the Year candidacy was ruined after he
broke his left collarbone during a fall down the stairs at his apartment building,
caused because he was carrying a large slab of meat given to him by Todd
Helton. After relating the story to the rest of the fans, admit that you never
would have thunk Helton’s penis would be that enormous.

Cook, Aaron – In 2004, Cook underwent extensive surgery in order to relieve


compression on a major blood vein, a procedure that included removing one of
his ribs. Spread a rumor that the rib was actually removed for a complete
different, Marilyn Manson-type reason.

Corpas, Manny – If you substitute saves for penii, he’s the Heather Brooke of
baseball, because he blows them so often. You get the gist, but reword it so it
makes more sense.

De La Rosa, Jorge – A pitcher whose starts of often interrupted by the suggestive


“blisters on the fingers” ailment, suggest he fix the problem by halting his thrice-
daily drum-a-longs with The Beatles’ “Helter Skelter”.

Francis, Jeff – Francis has really become the first pitcher to have sustained
success while pitching in the high altitude of Denver. Ask him if he really thinks
that he’s the only one to have “figured it out” or if, at some point in the near
future, the balls are going to start dropping and he’s going to revert back to the
mean. Before he answers, say “it’s the 2nd one, dumbass!”

Fuentes, Brian – Ask him how he feels to take his good friend Manny Corpas’
job as closer. Point out that it’s not even because Fuentes has been extraordinarily
good, but because Corpas has been so bad. That should sting a bit.

Hawpe, Brad – A great fielder – his 16 assists led the league in 2006 – admire his
arm and wonder how it could have possibly gotten so strong. Conclude with a
heavy implication that it’s all from masturbating.

26
Helton, Todd – While at the University of Tennessee, he was backup quarterback
to both Heath Shuler and Peyton Manning. Proclaim that there’s no shame in
backing up Manning, seeing as he’s currently the best quarterback in the NFL,
but there is a hell of a lot of shame in backing up Shuler.

Herrera, Jonathan – A recent call-up due to the injury to Troy Tulowitzki, let him
in on the extreme rookie hazing he should expect to receive in the next few
weeks, all of which involve the large end of a baseball bat and his own anus.

Hirsh, Jason – For his marriage last November, he presented his new bride with
a wedding gift of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Spend the game in full swoon,
marveling at just how romantic he truly is.

Holliday, Matt – Loudly proclaim that you wish he went on a holiday. To Dead
Island!

Iannetta, Chris – Not a lot of dirt goes on with backup catchers usually because
of their minimal amount of playing time, and Iannetta is no different. So until he
does something really memorable or stupid, changing the ‘e’ in his last name to
an ‘o’ will have to do.

Jiménez, Ubaldo – Getting extremely sophomoric and calling him “Poobaldo”


will work quite nicely.

Podsednik, Scott – During the height of his fame following the 2005 White Sox
World Series Championship, he married former Playboy playmate Lisa Dergen.
Explain how, now that his skills have diminished to the point where he’s been
relegated to a backup role, it might be best to start divvying up your assets
already.

Quintanilla, Omar – An attendee of the University of Texas, Austin, other


notable graduates include both Laura and Jed Bush. As such, blame him for the
nation’s economic struggles, preferably in the form of an acoustic protest song.

Redman, Mark – For one year, way back in 1992, he attended The Master’s
College, a conservative Christian liberal arts college in Santa Clarita, California.
Mock his presumably horrible taste in anything “artistic”. Start with The Da Vinci
Code.

27
Taveras, Willy – A speedster who has no power in his bat, tell him that you’re
known for those two identical attributes in the bedroom. That way, you win over
the crowd by being self-deprecating and you get a slight jab in attacking Taveras’
masculinity. Win-win!

Torrealba, Yorvit – The source of his odd first name comes from his parents
being unable to decide between Yorman and Victor so they just combined the
two. Suggest that it’s a good thing they chose to substitute Victor in for their
previous top two selection, Jamal, or else there’s a good chance he would be
named Manjam. Hint that this second combination might actually be more
appropriate.

Tulowitzki, Troy – Let him know that it’s a shame he didn’t win the Rookie of
the Year award last year, which he deserved, because, looking at how things are
shaping up this year, it’s looking like that was the last chance to add anything to
his trophy mantel.

28
Detroit Tigers

Bonderman, Jeremy – Seeing as Bonderman’s become another one of those


Detroit pitchers who seems like they have all the tools to succeed, but for some
reason or other, they can never put it together, go to his pre-game autograph
session and ask him to sign your Jeff Weaver jersey.

Cabrera, Miguel – A practitioner of the Afro-Caribbean religion Santeria, spend


the afternoon singing a soaring a cappella rendition of the Sublime song of the
same name.

Granderson, Curtis – From the southern Chicago suburb Blue Island, let
Granderson know that never of any consequence has ever come from the town.
As your first piece of evidence, submit for his perusal the pop punk band Mest.

Guillén, Carlos – In 2001, Carlos was hospitalized with pulmonary tuberculosis,


which is disgusting. As a tribute to the disease, stage a dramatic one-man show
of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, who died of TB.

Inge, Brandon – An overall grumpy goose ever since the Tigers brought in
Miguel Cabrera to play 3rd base forcing Inge to take a role as overall utility
player, try to turn his frown upside-down by dressing as a clown, playing peek-
a-boo and, if he gets close enough, tickling him.

Jones, Todd – A devout Christian who uses Contemporary Christian music


whenever he enters the game from the bullpen, make a strong argument that all
Christian rock bands have just chosen that niche because of the high profitability
of having such a devout, and seemingly tasteless, audience. If you don’t have
time enough to get your message across, just make the accurate claim that dc
Talk is horrible.

Joyce, Matt – Since nobody knows much about him, read aloud “Finnegan’s
Wake” in its entirety.

Ordóñez, Magglio – Congratulate him for continuing to play following the


disappointment he must feel after spending 8 years with the White Sox, only to
see them win their long-awaited championship the year after he left. No matter
how many batting titles you get afterwards, that still can’t feel good.

29
Polanco, Plácido – Godfather to Albert Pujols’ son Ismael, let Polanco know that
you saw him smoking in the stadium bathroom, and if he took his job seriously,
he would leave his position at second base right now to go and reprimand him.

Raburn, Ryan – Proclaim loudly that, after last night at the local Detroit
whorehouse, your crotch is ryan raBURNING! At the very least, this should get
neighboring fans to move away and give you a better view of the game.

Rentería, Edgar – Because of his poor play in Boston, the pussy Red Sox fans –
they can’t even laugh at cancer! – dubbed him “Rente-error” and “Rent-A-
Wreck”. Add a new one to the canon: “Edgar Diarrhea!”

Robertson, Nate – He wears glasses on the mound in order to fix his lazy eye.
Ask him if he blames his parents for the ailment, seeing as they didn’t love him
enough to keep their lackadaisical ocular nerve genes away from him.

Rodney, Fernando – A pitcher who relies on a fastball that reaches 100mph, let
him know that might be difficult to do with his sore right shoulder. With that
information, grease up your hair, don a leather jacket, and shadily tell him to
meet you by his locker after gym class. You got a way he can maintain his
competitive edge against these up-and-coming youngsters.

Rodríguez, Iván – One of the greatest defensive catchers of all time, imply that
the reason he got the nickname “Pudge” is because of how excited he gets
whenever he throws a baserunner out. If he doesn’t understand, loudly say the
Spanish word for “erection” which is, hilariously, “erección”.

Rogers, Kenny – Let him that, even though his extensive plastic surgery has
made him look extremely creepy, and you’d never leave him alone with your
daughter, you could listen to “Islands In the Stream” all day long.

Sheffield, Gary – Since you don’t want to heckle Sheffield directly (unless you
brought your bullet-proof vest to the ballpark) spend the game asking the many
Latino players on the team if Sheffield was right when he told GQ magazine
there’s more Latinos than black players in the majors because they’re easier to
control.

Thames, Marcus – Nicknamed “Slick”, spread the rumor that he obtained the
moniker after an unfortunate incident involving Crisco, a very sensitive area on
his person, and the fist of a truck driver named “Hairy Bill”.

30
Verlander, Justin – A youngster who’s had a quick start to his career – including
a Rookie of the Year award and a no-hitter – tell Verlander that he reminds you
of another youngster who has a quick start: Haley Joel Osment.

Willis, Dontrelle – Imply that his extreme high leg kick during his pitching
delivery proves that he is groin-less.

Zumaya, Joel – Sidelined during the 2006 ALCS because of a sore wrist which he
allegedly got by playing Guitar Hero way too much, imply that you know the
real reason he hurt his wrist, and it involves a horrible mix of online porn, tissues,
Vaseline, and complete and utter loneliness.

31
Florida Marlins

Amezaga, Alfredo - In the 1999 draft, Amezaga was drafted number 401st
overall, one spot ahead of Albert Pujols. While youʹre not entirely sure if the two
careers are comparable yet -- Amezaga can still get hot -- bring a giant poster
charting the statistics of the two players to give him an idea of where he
currently stands.

De Aza, Alejandro - His name is so similar to the director of the horror film High
Tension that your best bet is spending the entire game berating him for
completely ruining a decent movie with an awful high school film class cop-out
of an ending. When he looks at you wondering what the hell youʹre talking
about, admit that, despite the ending, the scene where the killer receives oral sex
from a decapitated head was pretty cool.

Gonzalez, Luis - Go out on a limb and suggest that, just maybe, closing out a
career in front of dozens of fans in one of the worst stadiums in professional
sports wasnʹt the storybook ending the 5-time All-Star envisioned. Perhaps this is
Karmaʹs way of getting back at him for ruining the perfect storybook ending to
the 2001 World Series, which should have gone the Yankees way. Instead, the
Diamondbacks won, thereʹs still a crater at the World Trade Center, and
Americaʹs stuck in a quagmire in Iraq, all events which Gonzo is responsible for.

Gregg, Kevin - Mention the irony that, for a man with three gʹs in his last name,
that heʹs never been able to find the g-spot on a woman. Or a man.

Hendrickson, Mark - Stare in awe with mouth agape at one of the last remaining
wonders of professional sports: The two-sport athlete. Hendrickson played in
both the NBA and the MLB. And what makes it even more incredible is that,
unlike say Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders, Hendrickson sucked at both. A true
rarity.

Hermida, Jeremy - Last year, he led all major league right fielders in errors,
meaning you should bring a giant novelty glove to the game and offer it up.

Jacobs, Mike - Back in 2006, the Marlins held a Jewish Heritage Day, giving
away Mike Jacobs T-shirts as a way of honoring their Jewish first baseman.
Problem was, Jacobs isnʹt Jewish. As such, break out the yamakas and dreidels,
offer him a few Kosher hotdogs, and ask about whatʹs up with money.

32
Johnson, Josh - While heʹll be missing the entire season due to Tommy John
surgery, if you see him in the dugout give him a wave and ask him how he feels
about ex-manager Joe Girardi getting the Yankees head-coaching gig. To get an
accurate response, first show him video of Girardi bringing Johnson back into the
game after an 82-minute rain delay, the incident that shockingly started his rash
of arm injuries.

Maybin, Cameron - Part of the trade that sent Dontrelle Willis and Miguel
Cabrera to the Tigers, let Maybin know that, really, he was just a throw-in.
Andrew Miller was the real reason the team made the trade. Heʹs as meaningless
of an add-on as the Text-to-Voice feature on Final Draft!

Miller, Andrew - Another part of the trade that sent Dontrelle Willis and Miguel
Cabrera to the Tigers, let Miller know that, really, he was just a throw-in.
Cameron Maybin was the real reason the team made the trade. Heʹs as
meaningless of a bonus as the directorʹs commentary track for Ace Ventura: Pet
Detective!

Mitre, Sergio - Pretend to be dyslexic and get into a long verbal argument about
how, if Sergio wants to use that form of measurment, he should move to Europe.
Explain to him that, here in America, we use ʺfeetʺ and ʺinchesʺ. Freedom-hater.

Nolasco, Ricky - 25 years old now, itʹs probably best to suggest Nolasco lose the -
y from his first name; that kind of nickname is reserved for British funnymen,
fictional racecar drivers and Hispanic singers who may or may not be
homosexual. Trust us. We should know.

Olsen, Scott - Olsenʹs Wikipedia subsection entitled ʺSuspensions, confrontations


and legal problemsʺ currently runs a potent 544 words. No doubt youʹll find
something in that horror show to make fun of.

Rabelo, Mike - He was drafted in 1998 out of high school by the Red Sox, but
turned down the offer to instead play collegiate ball. And itʹs a good thing too, or
else he would have already had his thrist for victory quenched twice-over by
being part of two world championship team. Instead, now he has the
opportunity to see a team go from ʺthe worst franchise in baseballʺ to ʺa team
that might win 80 gamesʺ over the next decade. Smart move.

Ramirez, Hanley - A truly great hitter, the only way to get into his head is when

33
heʹs fielding grounders at shortstop, which apparently isnʹt a daunting task.
Judging by his defense over the last few years, all 50 Marlins fans were able to
rattle him at one time or another. A simple ʺNoonanʺ should suffice.

Uggla, Dan - For once, we have no clever ways of making fun of his last name. It
is, truly, a name that completely and accurately describes the person who owns
it. You couldnʹt think of any improvements, except perhaps the addition of an ʺFʺ
in front.

VandenHurk, Rick - From the Netherlands and nicknamed ʺThe Holland


Hammerʺ, spend all game listing reasons why his mom is known as ʺThe
Holland Tunnelʺ. On second thought, just list the single reason over and over.

Willingham, Josh - Thereʹs no shame in getting corny and simply listing the
many different types of meat youʹre ʺwillingʺ to eat before ham.

34
Houston Astros

Ausmus, Brad - The man behind the plate was not only inducted into the
National Jewish Hall of Fame in 2004, but was also given the Darryl Kile Award
for ʺintegrity and courageʺ last year. Since we always recommend keeping it
relatively classy -- no Holocaust or heart attack references here, since both are
lies perpetrated by the vast underground network of Jewish doctors! -- our
advice is to focus more on his low draft position in any fantasy league, since heʹs
such a horrible, horrible batter. In fact, your niece is more capable with a bat.
And sheʹs a girl. Oh, thatʹs good. Tell him that.

Backe, Brandon - A Tommy John surgery survivor, itʹs best to remind Backe that,
one of these days, someone is bound to have complications following the
procedure, like, say, their arm falling off mid-pitch. Hammer the point home by
wondering aloud if Brandon felt that slight pull in his muscle while throwing
that last pitch. Perhaps the next throw is the one that finally finishes the job ...

Berkman, Lance - Berkman has stated numerous times that he dislikes his ʺFat
Elvisʺ nickname, meaning you must obviously dress up in a fried peanut butter
and banana sandwich and have your lawyer serve Berkman with a restraining
order because youʹre scared heʹs going to eat you. If you want to take another
route, and are a heterosexual female or homosexual male, tell Lance youʹd be
more than happy to date him, if only you didnʹt have that pesky ʺno fatties
allowedʺ rule.

Bourn, Michael - A shouted pun about you wishing he was ʺnever being bornʺ is
a nice family-friendly taunt. But steer clear from thinking that the laughter it
elicits gives you the go ahead to start your diatribe about the societal benefits of
abortion. Youʹll get beat up.

Hernandez, Runelvys - On the off chance he gets a spot in the rotation, spend
some time learning how to shout his name without pronouncing the accent over
the ʺaʺ in his last name. Yeah. Thatʹll get ʹem!

Lee, Carlos - Did you know that his nickname ʺEl Caballoʺ actually means
ʺElevated Horse Cockʺ in Spanish? Well, just assume it does and go from there.
In order to get your sure-to-be-hilarious visual aids into the ballpark, disguise
them as innocent inflatable bats. Bonus tip: A windbreaker and a few bags of
popcorn can easily pass for a scrotum. Just ask your aunt, who is presumably a

35
whore.

Matsui, Kaz - Letʹs be honest: All Asians look alike. Usually this is more of an
annoyance -- since youʹre never sure which co-worker youʹve already borrowed
Soy Sauce from -- but in this case, itʹs a boon. By default, Matsui looks exactly
like Indians pitching prospect Kazuhito Tadano, whoʹs been filmed pitching
more than just baseballs, if you catch my drift. (Note: My drift is his penis.) That
they share the same first name -- or is it last? -- is the cherry on top of the mildly-
homoerotic sundae of insults youʹre sure to come up with.

Oswalt, Roy - Letʹs just stick a ʺBlʺ in front of his last name and call it a day.

Pence, Hunter - Most people mistakenly assume Pence earned his nickname
ʺThe Naturalʺ because of his extraordinarily success last year as a rookie. In fact,
itʹs because he remains uncircumcised. Take an opportunity to remind him of the
ʺanteaterʺ taunts he presumably received in high school. Make sure to get it in
quick though, before he can retort by discussing the heightened sensation he
feels by not having mangled genitals like yourself.

Rodriguez, Wandy - Did you know ʺWandyʺ is a nickname he got because of his
activity with W.A.N.D., the Womanʹs Action for New Directions, whose mission
statement is to ʺempower women to act politically to reduce violence and
militarismʺ? Yeah. Heʹs a pussy.

Tejada, Miguel - Miggy has a little something on his professional resume known
throughout judicial circles as a ʺsteroid allegationʺ. And, as grandpa always said,
you canʹt spell ʺallegationʺ without the word ʺlegitʺ. Itʹs why grandpa steered
clear of Richard Gere movies. Gerbils scared him.

Valverde, Jose - Historically, Valverde comes out into the 9th inning to the song
ʺBig Poppaʺ by the Notorious B.I.G., but without the lyrics as to not offend the
youngsters present. The lack of audible words gives you the opportunity to claim
you know who capped Biggie: Tupac Shakur, recently risen from the dead.
Thatʹll get his head out of the game.

Wigginton, Ty - According to his Wikipedia entry, Wigginton ʺis decent at first


but has struggled in very limited playing time in the outfieldʺ. Remind him of
the constant disappointment he must be to his male ancestors, who greatly
respected outfielders but looked down upon the incessant laziness of those
manning the first base. Illustrate this point with a poster-sized Wigginton family

36
tree, complete with ʺfrownyʺ faces wherever you see fit.

Williams, Woody - Youʹre going to want to obviously attack the ʺWoodyʺ aspect,
but which do you choose? How itʹs synonymous with ʺmale erectionʺ? How itʹs
... ah, fuck it. Anything with ʺbonersʺ in it will do just fine. Just ask your other
aunt, who is also presumably a whore.

37
Kansas City Royals

Bale, John – According to the first entry that comes up when you type ʺJohn
Baleʺ into Wikipedia, Bale is an English churchman who wrote the oldest known
historical verse drama and actually died in 1563. Make fun of him for being dead.

Bannister, Brian – Bannister is a member of Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity whose


motto is “Vir Quisue Vir”, which translates to “Every Man a Man”. Add the
phrase “Volo Habeo Sex Per a” to the middle of that phrase, making it gayer than
it already is.

Buck, John – A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, let
him know that when he dies, youʹre going to follow the churchʹs practice of
baptism of the dead, but in this case, youʹre going to baptize him as Lutheran!

Butler, Billy – Nicknamed the ʺBig Donkeyʺ, spend the entire afternoon calling
him an ʺEnormous Assʺ.

Callaspo, Alberto – While the charges were dropped, Callaspo was arrested last
year for domestic violence in his home. As such, offer him a giant vat of ʺBlack
Eye-Be-Goneʺ covering makeup.

DeJesus, David – Use a variety of blood analysis, carbon dating, bird bones and
photos of Posh Spice to prove that Jesus never existed. Whether or not heʹs
Christian doesnʹt really matter.

Germán, Estéban – Although he was born in the Dominican Republic, his last
name is German. What the fuck?!?! Spend the entire afternoon somehow trying
to justify this shocking fact.

Gload, Ross – On September 12, 2001, Gload was claimed on waivers by the
Colorado Rockies, in what was, in a way, the beginning of his big league career.
Use this fact to deduce that Gload was part of the 9/11 conspiracy.

Gobble, Jimmy – Inquire as to what, exactly, he gobbles. During the questioning,


make sure he understands your heavy implication that it’s cock he is consuming.

Gordon, Alex – As a rookie last year, Gordon wore #4 on his jersey, but changed
it to #7 this year. Dress up as a numerologist and develop an elaborate theory of

38
why this season is going to be horrible due to the numeric swap.

Greinke, Zack – Back in 2006, Greinke had to leave the team for a year after
suffering from social anxiety disorder. While he’s been a nice story this year,
putting his demons aside and having a breakout season, you should still bring
your mini DSM-IV to find out exactly which buttons to push to induce a panic
attack.

Grudzielanek, Mark – Get drunk and scream his last name as many times as
possible.

Guillén, José – Amazingly, for a guy who’s currently in his 11th season, he’s also
on his 9th team. That type of run doesn’t scream “much-wanted commodity” as
much as it heavily implies “enormous dickhead”. Delve into his psychology a
little, trying to figure out why he feels the need to act up as much as he does.
Conclude by determining that his genitals are small.

Hochevar, Luke – The former first overall pick in the 2006 draft was both a
member of the National Honor Society and the Prom King in high school. Berate
him for living in the past.

Meche, Gil – Let him know that you were shocked last year after learning Meche
was actually worth the hefty contract he signed. In fact, his stats shocked you so
much that you thought you were actually going mad! And that’s what makes
this current oh-so-shitty year such a relief.

Olivo, Miguel – While heʹs been in the big leagues for 6 years, really the only
reason heʹs there is because of his bullet arm behind the plate. Remind Olivo that
once that goes, which looks like will happen sooner rather than later, itʹs off to
the glue factory for him. (To work, obviously.)

Peña Jr., Tony – Because his name is not identical to his fatherʹs, he is technically
not a Junior, but he never corrects anyone because that terminology is easier for
people to use. Spend the game picketing Peña the Younger for not using the
English language correctly.

Soria, Joakim – Since he has the distinction of being the 100th player in MLB
history that was born in Mexico, erect a fence around him. However, be prepared
to be labeled a racist, since you are.

39
Teahen, Mark – Teahan recently obtained his dual Canadian-American
citizenship, most likely because heʹs going to cut-and-run as soon as we reinstate
the draft, which should happen within the next few months, God willing. Call
Teahan a draft dodger.

Tomko, Brett – Tomko is married to Playboy Playmate Julia Schultz, from the
February 1998 issue. Order a copy of the back issue, grab a seat directly behind
the plate in the pitcherʹs line of sight, and spend the afternoon on a date with
yourself.

40
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Anderson, Garrett – Officially, Garrett Anderson is somewhere between 54 and


73 years old. Remind him of the cold, grim reality that the Hand of Death will
soon be fist-bumping Garrett’s soul by wearing an authentic Grim Reaper outfit
under your replica Anderson jersey. If security won’t let you bring in a scythe, a
large foam finger will have to do.

Aybar, Erick – Dude always looks stoned. Use it.

Figgins, Chone – Evidently pronounced “Shawn”, Figgins’ first name is a glory


to behold. Rhyming it with “cone” (as it should be, since this is America,
goddamnit!) is a good start, but getting a little creative with it can’t hurt. How
about “che-hone-ay”? Or perhaps “see honey”, but in the tone of an effeminate
pimp.

Garland, Jon – A longtime favorite of the ladies, remind him of another


heartthrob who always made the ladies swoon: Rock Hudson.

Hunter, Torii – While the repeating vowels of his first name may seem an
enticing target, stay away from making too much of it. Who are you, the
Grammar Police? Instead, focus on the androgyny of it, playing it up with fun
characters who share the same name. Say, the leather-jacket-wearing, continuity-
destroying Tori Scott of Saved by the Bell fame. Torii probably won’t know who
you’re referring to, but you’ll be a hit with the under-25 crowd.

Escobar, Kelvim – Since it’s a well-known fact that Kelvim was named, albeit
one-letter off, after the Northern Irish physicist who introduced the groundwork
for the “absolute zero” scale of temperature measurement, bring your mittens
and chuck verbal snowballs of taunt about the inability of Escobar’s parents to
distinguish between an “m” and an “n”. Highlight the fact with repetitive
recitation of the lyrical “ellemenno” section of the alphabet.

Guerrero, Vladimir – To make him sob, just remind him of the lean years of his
childhood, when he was unable to wear the leather batting gloves he can now no
longer do without. If it happens to be one of the 162 times a year when he isn’t
wearing batting gloves, simply hurl the same prepared insult, but in a sarcastic
tone, leaving those within earshot under the impression that you were being
ironic.

41
Kendrick, Howie – Any “Howie” heckles begin and end with references to the
great Howie Mandel and his well-publicized bout with OCD. As such, make sure
to wear plastic gloves when taunting. Also, if you remove the “r” from his last
name (maybe sending it over to Casey one entry down) it spells “Kendick”.
That’s pretty funny.

Kotchman, Casey – While he obviously doesn’t need any more reminders that he
has a first name which can be used for either a girl or a boy, what Casey does
need is someone to remind him he’s only one letter (an “r”) away from having
the greatest latest name of all time. Pepper your heckles with the addition of this
letter to get the point across.

Lackey, John – Let’s be honest: John Lackey looks like he’s dumb. While we have
no information either way about his intellect, play the odds and inquire about his
IQ score. If his answer is above what you expected (i.e. triple digits), wonder
aloud to your colleagues why Gatorade went to him, of all players, when looking
for a pitcher that Derek Jeter could steal on under the prodding of Harvey Keitel.
Are they saying that Lackey lacks a quality pickoff move?

Matthews Jr., Gary – Whatever you do, stay away from making fun of the
amount of money he’s earning despite low production and an ample time spent
sitting on the bench. He’ll only laugh in your face.

Napoli, Mike – Since that last name is as Italian as you can get, it’s best to start
off with a few racial insults about the general state of Italian politics and body
odor, both of which stink to high heaven! (Zing!)

Rodriguez, Francisco – Odds are, while you reading this, he walked someone.
Quick. Make fun of that!

Santana, Ervin – Long in the doghouse of the Angels, it doesn’t hurt to bring up
two of his namesakes who are much better at him at everything in the world:
Ervin “Magic” Johnson and Johan Santana. Suggest that, while you’re not a
gemology expert, you imagine it’s kind of like the two superstars had a child
and, instead of obtaining their athletic genes, they got the “shit” ones instead. It’s
kind of like Twins. But with AIDS.

Saunders, Joe – You have two options at your disposal: If he can’t beat the
above-mentioned Santana for the final rotation spot, he must suck. If he does

42
beat him out, still, that’s not saying much.

Shields, Scot – Just imagine Shields is one of those professional maids-of-honor,


who just can’t seem to land herself a man while all of her best friends find “Mr.
Right”. Continue the scenario by mentality envisioning that Shields (the
bridesmaid) just spread a nasty rumor through the crowd at the wedding
reception that you contracted herpes from a sibling. If you’ve worked yourself
into a state of ample frenzied hatred, go ahead and pronounce to the crowd how
you really feel about Shields (the bridesmaid). Just make sure to substitute the
phrase “you’ll die
alone” for “you’ll never be a closer”.

Weaver, Jered – While his brother Jeff may be a worse pitcher by far, he could
still hold young Jered down and force him to smell his farts like he did all
through grammar school. Can you still smell them, Jered? Do they still haunt
your nostrils?

43
Los Angeles Dodgers

Billingsley, Chad - From Defiance, Ohio -- the setting of The Prize Winner of
Defiance, Ohio, the true story of how a housewife fed her family by winning a
bunch of jingle-writing contest entries -- compose and deliver your own jingles,
except these will all advertise one thing: Billingsleyʹs ineffectiveness. As usual,
please make all entries 25 words or less.

Broxton, Jonathan - If you take the first 4 letters out of his last name, youʹll get
his actual playing weight. Go from there.

Ethier, Andre - While he twiddles his thumbs in the dugout, list the many
reasons why Juan Pierre deserves the starting spot over Ethier. After an hour of
silence, admit you canʹt think of a single one, but he should take solace in the fact
that he makes a shitload less money than Pierre. Wait a minute ...

Furcal, Rafael - In 2006, Furcal was selected as the first-ever winner of the Roy
Campanella Award, an award given to the Dodger who best exemplifies the
ʺspirit and leadershipʺ of the late Hall of Fame catcher. Opine that perhaps voters
got confused and thought they were voting for the player ʺmost likely to get
paralyzed in an automobile accidentʺ, just like Campanella. After all, Furcal
already has two DUIs on his motorist resume.

Garciaparra, Nomar - Along with Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, Nomar was
part of the famed ʺHoly Trinityʺ of shortstops in the mid-90s. While the trinity is
dead now that both A-Rod and Nomar have changed positions, you should
relate to Nomar that all three of them are still great players. Well, two of the
three are at least. Nomar kinda sucks.

Jones, Andruw - Admit that, while youʹre no business expert, it seems that
having the worst statistical season of your career in the final year of your contract
is not a smart business move. However, let Jones know he can make up for it by
buying some stock in America Online. Itʹs going to turn around any day now.

Kemp, Matt - Nicknamed ʺThe Bisonʺ because of his enormous size and swift
mobility, take the time to remind Kemp of another characteristic of the American
Bison: a whole lot of them exhibit homosexual behavior. Honestly.

Kent, Jeff - Known for being full of hate, suggest the mustachoed 2nd basemen

44
work out his aggression the old fashioned way: thrice-daily bouts of frenetic
masturbation.

Kuroda, Hiroki - A new recruit from Japan, make Kuroda feel welcome by
listing historic examples of Americans being kind to people of Japanese descent.
Like, say, the internment camps of World War II.

Loaiza, Esteban - Add a ʺB-ʺ prefix to the beginning of his last name, and reveal
to him your great literary achievement by shouting it over and over at the top of
your lungs.

Loney, James - Once again, add a ʺB-ʺ prefix to the beginning of his last name,
and reveal to him your great literary achievement by shouting it over and over at
the top of your lungs. In this case however, preceed your revelation by drinking
seven beers.

Lowe, Derek - Hazard a guess at a few of the pickup lines Lowe used on
ʺDodger Dugoutʺ anchor Carolyn Hughes before the two started an illicit sordid
love affair that left two divorces in its wake. One line for free: ʺI wouldnʹt mind
spitting salty seeds into your dugout.ʺ

Martin, Russell - His midde name -- well, one of his middle names, seeing as his
full name is Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin, Jr. -- is an homage to the
great saxophonist and avant-guard jazz revolutionary John Coltrane. Celebrate
his legacy by bringing a saxophone to the game, and blowing into it as loud as
you can when Martin is just about to swing. After he strikes out and looks to see
where the annoyance is coming from, close your eyes, nod your head and snap
your fingers, giving those around you the impression that you understand the
true rhythm of the world.

Penny, Brad - Comment, as loudly as you can, that youʹre shocked, utterly and
completely shocked (!) that Penny has been romantically connected with Alyssa
Milano and Eliza Dushku. And now that youʹre seeing him in person, the story
makes even less sense.

Pierre, Juan - Relate to the speedy outfielder your amazement at the fact that
Pierre is consistently one of the hardest batters to strike out in all of baseball.
Since, typically speaking, someone who doesnʹt strike out usually isnʹt as shitty
as Pierre.

45
Saito, Takashi - The closer attended the same high school and college as
Mariners reliever Kazuhiro Sasaki, presumably making them contentious rivals.
Learning the phrase ʺYou are not even man enough to hold Sasakiʹs jock strap,
which is much larger than your jock strap, because his reproduction organs are
also much larger than yoursʺ in Japanese should suffice.

Schmidt, Jason - Make a sign proclaiming your section as the home of the ʺJason
Schmidt Fan Clubʺ. To more fully show your Dodger devotion, write out the
pitcherʹs last name in alternating team colors; Dodger Blue for the 1st, 3rd, 5th
and 7th letter, and white for the others. While youʹre at it, make sure the
posterboard you use is also white.

46
Milwaukee Brewers

Braun, Ryan - Braun has one of the greatest nicknames in Major League history,
the ʺHebrew Hammerʺ. Unfortunately, the name doesnʹt come from his prowess
with the bat, but because of his oddly-shaped Limb of Baby-Making, which has
the width of a hammerhead shark and the girth of a Hebrew National hot dog.
At least, thatʹs the story you should relay to the rest of the crowd.

Bush, Dave - Purposefully mistake him as a relative of the commander-in-chief,


continually asking how he feels about his cousin ruining the country. When he
corrects your mistaken assumption, ignore him and start to attack his other
cousin, Access Hollywoodʹs Billy Bush, who is a much bigger douchebag than the
President.

Cameron, Mike - Back in 2002, Cameron wrote a book called It Takes a Team
which promotes ʺself-confidence, open-mindedness and teamworkʺ as the three
keys to success. Suggest that itʹs time Cameron revisit the book and write an
expanded version with a fourth key to success: being banned 25 games for using
banned stimulants.

Counsell, Craig - Spread the rumor that Counsellʹs strange back-to-the-pitcher


batting stance isnʹt a way to get the most momentum out of his tiny frame, but
really just an excuse to turn his penis around, in the event that the catcher
happens to spend his free time ʺcatchingʺ other objects. Like penises. With his
butt.

Fielder, Prince - Instead of heckling, bring an enormous calendar to the park,


counting down to the third Sunday in June, historically the date to celebrate
Fatherʹs Day. Spruce up the visuals by offering gift ideas for Prince to get his
father, whom the youngster presumably adores.

Gallardo, Yovani - While originally from Mexico, feign ignorance at his south-of-
the-border ethnicity and suggest he return to his home country of Italy, where he
must be from with an Italian-sounding first name like that. Alternately, if you
want to go a different route, ʺYovani RETARDO!ʺ

Gagne, Eric – This one’s going to be complicated. Go to the park wearing your
Gagne replica goggles, but with two slight homemade adjustments: (a) Make one
arm of the glasses appear to be the arm of a muscle-bound bodybuilder; (b) and

47
make the other an arm thatʹs falling apart, all sinewy and muscle-torn, looking as
if whoever owns the arm took plenty of illegal steroids in their day. If you
happen to know David Cronenberg, he probably already has a pair of these
sitting in his workshop.

Hall, Bill – Last year, Hall lead all major league center fielders with nine errors.
Picking on him for this would be advised, possibly by giving him a copy of Tom
Emanski’s Defensive Drills video.

Hardy, J.J. – Constantly inquire about what crime his brothers Joe and Frank are
currently working on. Also, when he’s up to bat, let him know you have
obtained nude photographs of that whore Nancy Drew.

Hart, Corey - For day games, drink enough alcohol until you finally remember a
word which rhymes with his last name thatʹs synonymous with flatus. For night
games, wear sunglasses to hide your bloodshot eyes while making clever
references to an 80s one-hit wonder.

Kendall, Jason – Heading into his 11th-year as a pro, Kendall has two less home
runs than Barry Bondsʹ record-breaking single-season output of 73 in 2001.
Suggest he remedy this by not acting so similar to those who own vaginas.

Sheets, Ben – Reassure him that you brought along some duct tape, a few band-
aids, some Neosporin, and a jar of leeches so he’ll get immediate medical
attention the next time he gets hurt, which, by your calculations, should be
sometime in the next 4-8 pitches.

Suppan, Jeff – Along with his wife, Suppan owns a restaurant in LA called
“Soup’s Grill”, one whose specialty is a Philly cheesesteak sandwich that, in your
estimation, is runny, stringy, tasteless and “best served with a side of garbage
can, so you don’t have to finish this entire culinary abortion”. Also, feel free to
hint that his wife is orchestrating a hostile takeover while he’s away on road
games.

Villanueva, Carlos – Not much is known about the man, meaning youʹll have to
resort to immature name-calling, say, something like “Villanu-GAY-a!”

Weeks, Rickie – Throughout his short career, Weeks has been known as a
potential five-tool player. And while he’s been lacking in one distinct department
– fielding – he should take solace in the fact that he himself is one giant tool.

48
Minnesota Twins

Baker, Scott – Hold a sign with the date August 31st, 2007 on it, the date when
Baker took a perfect game into the 9th inning, but walked the first batter he faced
to end the perfect game and then gave up a hit to spoil the no-hitter. It will be a
reminder to how close to perfection Baker got, and how he’s never going to get
closer.

Blackburn, Nick – From the town of Ada, Oklahoma (population 16,008), imply
that the reason Jeff Reed, the town’s founder, named the place after his oldest
daughter in 1891 was because he was, in fact, fucking her. This obviously started
a tradition of incest that, from where you’re sitting, it still looks like the town
maintains.

Bonser, Boof – Comment that you were unsure if you should laugh or cry when
you heard that Bonser got his “Boof” nickname because that’s the sound he
makes whenever he sits up, because of his enormous girth. However, let him
know that you decided to laugh in the end, because you can’t not laugh at fat
people.

Casilla, Alexi – One of the fastest players in the majors, comment that the speed
really doesn’t help much if he can’t fucking get on base! If security tries to pull you
away, alert them that you have Casilla on your fantasy team. That will make you
relatable and less of a danger to the public.

Cuddyer, Michael – During the many off hours in the baseball locker room,
Cuddyer performs magic acts for his teammates. Thank you loudly for showing
him that amazing “hide the salami” trick.

Everett, Adam – According to Wikipedia, Everett is often mistaken for actor DJ


Qualls, best known for having sex with that enormous black lady in Road Trip.
Make the same mistake.

Gómez, Carlos – Nicknamed “Go-Go” because of his blazing speed, let him in on
the dirty secret that he’s actually named so due to his feminine moves in the
discotheque.

49
Harris, Brendan – From the College of William and Mary, infer from Harris’
throwing motion that Mary must have taught the baseball program.

Hernández, Liván – The half-brother of Orlando Hernández, observe that it


looks like El Duque got all the “stud” genes while Liván got all the fat ones.

Kubel, Jason – For a particularly appetizing heckle, substitute the “K” and “b” in
his last name for a “Str” and “d”. That should make his mouth water, which in
turn will make him question his sanity, seeing as he just got hungry thinking
about a large Austrian pastry shaped like himself.

Lamb, Mike – Nicknamed “Lambo”, a play on the Sylvester Stallone character


who just won’t die, suggest that it might be more appropriate to place an “e”
after the “m”. Follow this up by making an L-7 symbol with your thumbs and
forefingers.

Liriano, Francisco – His wife’s name is Johanna, which is strange seeing as many
people consider him the Second Coming of Johan Santana. Stick a cigar in your
mouth and psychoanalyze that one.

Mauer, Joe – Tell him that while you think it’s great Mauer is signed long
enough to see the team’s new outdoor, natural grass stadium open in 2010, it’s
going to be weird seeing him throw out the first pitch in a wheelchair, the only
possibly outcome after catching so many games as that horrible Metrodome
astroturf.

Monroe, Craig – Seeing as his mom is strangely named Marilyn, comment on


how much “usage” you got out of the December 1953 issue of Playboy.

Morneau, Justin – From Canada, let Justin know that while you’re sure his
family is excited he’s a major league baseball player, they’d be much prouder if
he was a hockey player.

Nathan, Joe – One of the best closers in baseball, comment that it’s strange the
team would trade away Johan Santana yet sign Nathan to a long-term deal.
Follow that by commenting that it’s even stranger that a player of Nathan’s
caliber would sign a deal with a team that clearly won’t win until sometime after
2015.

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Neshek, Pat – One of the new breed of blogger-players – where he posted an
amazing video of him getting him in the jaw with a ball while pitching in college
– dress up like Nick Denton and make fun of his amateurish stats.

Perkins, Glen – Finally, the perfect reason to perform your all-haiku


interpretation of the hit Ed Wood film Glen or Glenda? Don’t waste this
opportunity.

Punto, Nick – In 2007, he posted the lowest slugging percentage of any major
league player with at least 200 at-bats. This makes him officially the most worthy
recipient of the “pussy” heckle in all of baseball.

Redmond, Mike – Comment that it’s too bad Joe Mauer’s on the roster, seeing as
Redmond has the skills to be a starting catcher in the majors. It’s a good thing
Redmond doesn’t have a bone of selfishness – or self-worth – in his body.

Rincón, Juan – Suspended in 2005 after testing positive for illegal performance-
enhancing drugs, suggest that, if he really needed help that much, he should
have just asked his doctor about Viagra.

Slowey, Kevin – Spread the rumor that his last name is actually a nickname he
received in high school because of his hilarious learning disability.

Young, Delmon – Dressing up like an umpire carrying a custom-made “bat


shield” should suffice.

51
New York Mets

Alou, Moisés - Observe that his hands look a little soft today. Maybe he could go
for some of your grade-A, super-yellow urine you have brewing right now.
Youʹd just throw it out anyway.

Tony Armas, Jr. - Before coming over to the Mets this year, Armas spent his
entire career playing for the Expos, the Nationals, and then the Pirates. Spend the
game developing a top-down conspiracy theory for why Armas has found
himself only playing for the worst three franchises in baseball over the past
decade. When people start poking holes in your logic, put your fingers in your
ears, scream ʺla-la-laʺ over and over again, and spend time in your parentsʹ
basement creating an inaccurate, deceptive, and poorly-constructed video called
ʺLoose Change 2: The Armas Connectionʺ. Before you put the video online, make
sure to add hip-hop music in the background. It gives it legitimacy.

Beltrán, Carlos - Remind him of his 6 wasted years as part of the historically-
inept Kansas City Royals, who failed to put any players of worth around him,
forcing young Carlos to hoist the entire team on his shoulders, which he
obviously failed to do. Six years, my goodness. Thatʹs a long time. Almost half a
career flushed away. What a shame.

Castillo, Luis - Never known for his power numbers, Castilloʹs value throughout
his career has been based solely on his speed which, predictably, is slowing
down as he gets older. As such, he should start planning for what heʹs going to
do when he retires, which should be very, very shortly. Offer up numerous
suggestions, including going to coupleʹs counseling, finally watching the entire
Sex and the City series, and shopping for tampons with the wife.

Church, Ryan - Obviously a devout Christian, spend a vast amount of time


reading aloud from the Christopher Hitchensʹ complilation The Portable Atheist,
which isnʹt as portable as youʹd think. You should finish it up somewhere around
game 154.

Delgado, Carlos - Known for being a peace activist, declare aloud that itʹs
shocking he ended his silent protest of the Iraq war by not standing during ʺGod
Bless Americaʺ so soon, especially for a man with such powerful convictions as
he. Close the heckle by calling him a dirty tree-hugging hippy and offering him
some Patchouli.

52
Hernández, Orlando - According to just about every report you read, El Duque
is somewhere between 57 and 64 years old. This just simply isnʹt true. Heʹs easily
in his mid-90s by now. Assume that he has Alzheimerʹs and try to have a
conversation about the horrors of prohibition, the cute little flappers sitting next
to you, or how the revolutionary ʺtalkiesʺ will be the next big thing.

Maine, John - From Fredericksburg, Virginia, one of George Washingtonʹs


homes, come to the game dressed in colonial garb, complete with powdered hair,
wooden teeth and wrapped in a blanket coated with malaria. Spend the game in
character, complaining about your latest outbreak of boils, arguing about the
justification of taxation without representation, and observing that Maine throws
like bit of a ʺdandy fopʺ.

Martinez, Pedro - Notice that ever since Pedro and Nelson de la Rosa -- his
diminutive friend and good luck charm during the 2004 playoffs -- have parted
ways, Pedroʹs career has gone drastically downhill. Suggest that maybe this is
just life getting him back for how he exploited the tiny man in his final years.
Perhaps karma is really Pedroʹs daddy.

Pagán, Angel - Possibly the greatest name in all of baseball, let him know that
you feel horrible about the schizophrenia Angel must feel whenever he signs his
name. Right there, in front of him to clearly see, are the two sides of his
personality, the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Play the devilʹs
advocate by constantly offering him booze, heroin, hookers and abortions.

Pérez, Óliver - Remind him how, generally speaking, he seems to follow up a


decent year with a horribly sucky and incompetent campaign. And since last
year was pretty good, he should be coming back down to Earth in no time.
Illustrate this with a hand-made portrait of a roller coaster. On fire. But not in a
symbolically good way.

Reyes, Jose - Known for his amazing speed, inquire if running the bases is the
only thing heʹs quick on the draw with. Heavily imply that the answer is no, and
that the other thing heʹs quick at is sexual intercourse.

Santana, Johan - The best pitcher in baseball, thereʹs really no way to get under
his skin, which is only possible if the technology in the classic movie Innerspace
exists. If you do get inside somehow, send us a sign of your success by doing
three jumping jacks in the 4th inning in between pitches. After that, feel free to

53
make Johan shit his pants.

Schneider, Brian - The man behind the plate when pitcher Mike Bacsik served
up home run number 756 to Barry Bonds, thank Schneider for letting the bad guy
win by not calling for chin music. Schneiderʹs apparently the type of guy who
roots for the Hawks in The Mighty Ducks. Jerk.

Wagner, Billy - He owns an alpaca farm in Crozet, Virginia, no doubt a purchase


made after spending one night too many wrestling with insomnia in front of late
night infomercials. Try to take advantage of his obvious lack of self-control by
offering him a great deal on a barely-used Flobee. To seal the deal, throw in a few
Nads.

Wright, David - After Vitamin Water was bought out by Coca-Cola last year,
Wright earned roughly $20 million, as he had part ownership in the company as
part of his endorsement deal. The rapper 50 Cent, meanwhile, earned an
estimated $400 million. That means God loves ʺfittyʺ at least 20 times more than
Wright, and thatʹs before even considering Mr. Cent surviving multiple
gunshots.

54
New York Yankees

Abreu, Bobby - In 2006, Abreu was traded to the Yankees along with Phillies
pitcher Cory Lidle, who died a few months later after flying into a residential
building in New York. Use convulted logic to place the blame for Lidleʹs death
on Abreu.

Cabrera, Melky - Tell him youʹre starting your own version of the ʺGot Milk?ʺ
campaign, which explains the white moustache youʹre currently sporting.
However, since you were unable to find the bone-strengthening beverage youʹve
had to settle for something else instead. And this oneʹs much stickier.

Canó, Robinson - For the life of him, Canóʹs cannot ever take a walk. Harass him
for caring too much about his personal glory rather than the plight of his
teammates. Jackie Robinson, who he was named after, wouldnʹt have been so
selfish.

Chamberlain, Joba - Wear a trenchcoat and let him know that you have a wide
variety of illegal black market bug spray inside if heʹs interested.

Damon, Johnny - A fan favorite while in Boston, ask him if itʹs worth the extra
Yankee money to have a bunch of people basically not care about him at all.

Ensberg, Morgan - Comment that itʹs great to see Ensberg finally make the jump
and turn into a quality baseball player. Then ask your friend for todayʹs
newspaper, look at the date and exclaim, ʺWait a minute! Itʹs not 1995?!?!ʺ

Farnsworth, Kyle - A pitcher who has all of the talent in the world but somehow
just canʹt get it to translate into being good, suggest his horrible career is the
universeʹs comeuppance for Philo Farnsworth creating the medium that allowed
According to Jim to exist.

Giambi, Jason - Continually confuse him with Jeremy. When someone corrects
you, comment that thereʹs no way thatʹs Jason Giambi out there; you remember
Jason being a little bit larger and a whole lot better.

Hawkins, LaTroy - From Gary, Indiana, get halfway through the relevant song
from The Music Man, but break down midway in a coughing fit from the
pollution.

55
Hughes, Philip - Since heʹll probably be sitting on the bench nursing an injury
when you head to the park, bring a mini-TV and replay his near no-hitter from
last year where he had to be taken out of the game after pulling a hamstring. Let
him know that he should consider this mini-TV a gift, a living memory of the one
single moment where he achieved the most heʹs ever going to achieve in his life.
And then take the TV back because youʹre not made of money.

Jeter, Derek - Dress up like a sabermetrician and criticize his horrendous defense
using a variety of charts and graphs. However, comment that there is justice in
the world seeing that A-Rod, a superior player in every way, is making twice as
much money. Thank you, America!

Kennedy, Ian - Looking at his stats, comment that it was definitely worth it for
the Yankees to keep him instead of using him as part of the deal to get Johan
Santana. Yeah, definitely worth it. Make sure he knows youʹre being sarcastic.

Matsui, Hideki - Nicknamed ʺGodzillaʺ, blow his mind by explaining the


interpretation that the monster movies are meant as an allegory to the horrors of
nuclear technology. End your lecture by asking Matsui if he got the nickname
because, like Godzilla, he doesnʹt have a penis.

Molina, José - The middle child of the Fantasy Catching Molina Brothers, ask
him if he feels left out because parents obviously love their eldest and youngest
children much more than the ghastly mistake of the middle one.

Mussina, Mike - Mussina has had more near no-hitters and near perfect games
than any other pitcher in recent memory. Ask him why he doesnʹt have the
tenacity or brain power to fully complete a work of perfection unlike, say, Hideo
Nomo, who has two no-hitters.

Pettitte, Andy - Dress up like Roger Clemens and give Pettitte your best come
hither look. When you get his attention, bend over and take it like a man.

Posada, Jorge - Considered one of the best catchers in the history of baseball,
remind him about what happened to the last great Yankees catcher. To get your
point across, deliver the tale while wearing a handlebar mustache.

Rasner, Darrell - A health ecology major in college, quiz him on what the loss of
a keystone predator means for an ecological system. When he has no idea what

56
youʹre talking about, as an example use his mother who, if she wasnʹt around,
wouldnʹt be able to consume the millions of gallons of sperm she currently does,
allowing them to run rampant and destroy our ecosystem.

Rivera, Mariano - A deeply religious Christian, Rivera maintains that God has a
reason for everything, as evidenced by the Yankees losing the World Series in
2001, allowing his friend Enrique Wilson to not be aboard an airplane that
crashed on its way to the Dominican Republic. Hint that maybe Godʹs just a
Diamondbacks fan. When Mo shakes that theory off, ask him what Godʹs reason
was for killing Lou Gehrig.

Rodriguez, Alex - For all the MVP awards and the stats and the Gold Gloves, the
one thing that is still missing from A-Rodʹs mantle is a championship ring.
Meanwhile, that person standing right next to him has a whole lot of rings.
Suggest A-Rod borrow one.

Wang, Chien-Ming - Thereʹs really no better place to end this entire list of
heckles, most of which are juvenile dick jokes showcasing the authorʹs inability
to get past a 5th graderʹs intellegence level, than with the word Wang. So, there.
Call him ʺwangʺ.

57
Oakland Athletics

Barton, Daric - Way back in 2003, instead of choosing to attend Cal State
Fullerton and earn a degree, Barton took a million dollar signing bonus and gave
up the opportunity to advance his brain after getting drafted by the Cardinals.
Make him regret this decision by reciting all of the useful knowledge you learned
in school, leaving out that night of ʺsexual experimentationʺ you had junior year.
Donʹt hold up signs though, since Barton most likely doesnʹt know how to read.

Blanton, Joe - Odds are that heʹll be moved to a different team before the season
starts, but if he hasnʹt, remind him incessantly of how GM Billy Beane really,
really wanted to get rid of him but, for some reason or another, no other teams
wanted him. Inquire about how it feels to not be wanted by anyone, even the
Pirates.

Brown, Emil - July 30th, 2007: During a locker room interview with Royals
shortstop Tony Pena, Jr., reporter Karen Kornacki was accidentally shot in the
face with a BB. The trigger on the gun was pulled by none other than the
surprisingly sharpshootinʹ Emil Brown. Go ahead and launch your heckles off
that. An extra point will be awarded for every reference to Red Ryder BB guns.

Buck, Travis - Like most of the other young Aʹs, Buck is making only the league
minimum salary. Ha! Use a graph to illustrate where his earnings compare to,
say, teammates Emil Brown or Mark Ellis. Later on in the game, when you use
sedate yourself with alcoholic beverages after realizing how much more Buck
earns than you, feel free to add a steady stream of phrases containing the curse
word that rhymes with Buckʹs last name. (Hint: Itʹs ʺfuckʺ.)

Chavez, Eric - Dusting off your Lou Dobbs Halloween costume, pointing at
Chavez, and vowing that youʹre coming after him may get you thrown out of the
park, but it will also land you an interview on Lou Dobbs Tonight for being such
a true American.

Crosby, Bobby - A longtime wearer of the ʺsoul patchʺ facial hair modification,
Crosby should be alerted (by you) that an announcement was made earlier that
day by the National Homosexual Males Society of America, rightfully claiming
the ʺsoul patchʺ as another official out-in-the-open way of their constintuency
revealing themselves, kinda like the olʹ earing-in-the-right-ear-lobe trick.

58
Cust, Jack - Admit that while you feel great that he finally made an impact 6
years after he first graced a major league ballfield, you canʹt get your mind off of
the many millions he would have made if he would have gotten around to not
sucking a little sooner. Sure, better late than never, but better early than late.

Denorfia, Chris - According to the Urban Dictionary, one of the definitions of


ʺnorfʺ is an insult derived from combining the words ʺnerdʺ and ʺdwarfʺ. While
that should be the ideal heckle, if youʹre going that route, youʹll probably have to
insert a referencing hyperlink to your voice, which is impossible. Instead,
shouting out ʺmore like DeSUCKfia!ʺ should suffice.

DiNardo, Lenny - In the same vein: ʺMore like Lenny DiTARDo!ʺ Celebrate any
combo-heckles with the above-mentioned ʺDeSUCKfiaʺ with a hearty elevated
hand slap to your closest compatriot.

Duchscherer, Justin - Known throughout the league as a ʺsoft-tossing finesse


pitcherʺ, let him know what everyone else is too scared to say: really, that phrase
is just a euphemism for ʺthrowing like a girlʺ. Also, his last name is pronounced
duke-SHUR, which you should never speak correctly.

Ellis, Mark - Last year, on June 4th, Ellis hit for the cycle. It is the most he will
ever accomplish in his life. Everythingʹs downhill from here. To make sure he
doesnʹt have to only take your word for it, bring along a psychic, preferably
Jamaican, for verification.

Gaudin, Chad - Get his hopes up that youʹre cheering for him by loudly
screaming his last name (pronounced ʺGo-DANʺ), and then dash them by
immediately saying ʺJohnsonʺ, making him think youʹre just a big fan of the Aʹs
1st baseman. Once you get him to wonder if you even notice him out there, since
you refuse to even acknowledge his existence, youʹve won.

Harden, Rich - See entry for Wood, Kerry. (Cubs)

Johnson, Dan - Addressing him as ʺCrockettʺ and inquiring about ʺTubbsʺ


should be sufficient fun for the fans in your general area, but take it up a notch
by using an abacus to measure the playing time heʹs losing to young phenom
Daric Barton.

Street, Huston - Fabricate an eyewitness who has first-hand knowledge that


Streetʹs first name isnʹt the only place thatʹs one ʺoʺ short. Itʹs also missing in the

59
bedroom, if you catch my drift! (Your drift will be ʺgiving orgasms to girlsʺ.)

Suzuki, Kurt - Admit that youʹre not even going to heckle Suzuki, since youʹre
not sure if you should swap the names around like Ichiro, or keep them in the
right order like the way it happens in your America. If you catch him chuckling at
this, attack his heritage by claiming Hawaiiʹs not a real state anyway. Which it
isnʹt.

60
Philadelphia Phillies

Burrell, Pat - Tell him that, usually, Philadelphia fans boo their sports stars out of
harmless ribbing, not really with malacious intent. Except when it comes to
Burrell. They really hate him.

Eaton, Adam - Back in 2001, he accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach while
using a knife to open the plastic wrap off a new DVD. Let him know that, while
it would have been tragic if he died from the injury, it would have also been
hilarious. And, looking back on it, probably better for the teams that signed him
over the years.

Feliz, Pedro - A new Phillie after spending his entire career with the Giants, Feliz
reportedly broke off negotiations with San Francisco, despite receiving a better
offer from them, after he was disheartened with their treatment of his during the
proceedings. After he gets booed by the Phillies fans, which will be often, ask
him if he still thinks it was a good idea.

Gordon, Tom - Nicknamed ʺFlashʺ, assume he received the nickname from a


girlfriend for a not-so-great reason.

Hamels, Cole - Assure Hamels that, yes, you have seen his wife naked in
Playboy. Also assure him that, eh, youʹve seen better. Try to have your shirt full
of spilled condiments and mouth full of hot dog while delivering the judgement.

Howard, Ryan - One of the gameʹs greatest sluggers, let him know that he would
have put up historical statistics if he wasnʹt already on the downslope of his
career at a surprisingly advanced age. To give him some perspective, use a graph
to illustrate that Albert Pujols (a few months younger than Howard) has twice as
many home runs already. Comfort Howard by letting him know there is hope
yet for him to get in the Hall of Fame. If reincarnation actually exists.

Jenkins, Geoff - Inquire whether or not he thinks that the Brewers finally
becoming a successful ballclub coinciding with Jenkins no longer being with the
team is a coincidence or not. When he explains how instrumental he was during
last yearʹs 2nd place finish, laugh as loudly as possible.

Kendrick, Kyle - Spend the game telling Kendrick you wish the Phillies would
have actually traded him to Japan for Kobayashi Iwamura, a fictional player

61
teammate Brett Myers told Kendrick heʹd been traded for as part of a preseason
prank. Let Kendrick know that, even though Kobayashi isnʹt real, heʹll still
probably end up with more wins.

Lidge, Brad - Chanting ʺPujolsʺ whenever Lidge is within shouting distance will
work well enough. No need to waste your wit on him.

Moyer, Jamie - Known for his methodical approach to pitching, the reason his
career has lasted as long as it has is because he keeps video recordings of every
batter heʹs ever faced. Inquire if he also uses the tapes to jerk off to.

Myers, Brett - Dressing up your wife, girlfriend or female relative in a shirt


reading ʺI Learned My Lesson, Brettʺ while using makeup to create two black
eyes should do the trick.

Rollins, Jimmy - Your National League MVP last year, go into a rant about how
the voting process is flawed and how many undeserving parties have come away
with the award. Then, list all the players who won awards when they really
shouldnʹt have. The list should consist entirely of variations on Rollinsʹ name.

Romero, J.C. - Going to turn 32 in a few months, let him know about another J.C.
whose career derailed once he reached his early 30s: Mr. Christ.

Ruiz, Carlos - During the 2006 World Baseball Classic he played for the Panama
team, making him a traitor to America and freedom in general. Tell him not to
tread on you.

Taguchi, So - According to Wikipeda, Taguchi learned how to speak English by


watching films like Finding Nemo. Remind him of the scene where Nemoʹs mom
dies and laughs when he starts crying.

Utley, Chase - An avid environmentalist, tell him to hurry the game up, since
you think you left all your lights on at home.

Victorino, Shane - From Hawaii, spend the night performing your one-man
rendition of the up-to-date plot of Lost. The performance will not only leave
Victorino shaken by the confusing nature of the show, but also feel a sense of
nostaglia since the series takes place in his homeland. If you time it just right,
heʹll shed a tear for his lost youth just as a fly ball is hit in his direction.

62
Pittsburgh Pirates

Bautista, José - Bautista is known for his versatility, playing center field, right
field, left field, 3rd base, shortstop and 2nd base during his career. Wonder aloud
if Bautista brings that same versatility to the bedroom, by being either a pitcher
or a catcher.

Bay, Jason - In 2006, Bay led all National League outfielders in the All Star
voting, mostly due to the aggressive PR campaign by the Pirates to get the vote
out for Bay. Let Bay know that the team picked the right year for such a
campaign, since judging by his current statistics, itʹll be the last All-Star game he
ever gets into.

Capps, Matt - When pitcher Zach Duke was married in 2007, Capps was
bestowed the role of Dukeʹs best man. Bring up the point that, for a best man,
Capps has sure been a dick to Duke over the years, blowing 3 of his good
buddyʹs wins.

Duke, Zach - With the above information handy, suggest that Capps is blowing
Dukeʹs wins purposefully because heʹs still upset Dukeʹs wife married him
instead of Capps.

Gorzelanny, Tom - Nicknamed ʺGonzoʺ, go the other way and call him by the
latter half of his last name, ʺLoniʺ. While addressing him, adopt the voice and
mustache of Burt Reynolds and call him a variety of insults, all of which are
synonymous with ʺwhoreʺ.

LaRoche, Adam - While his last name is French, LaRoche is actually 100%
Mexican. As such, spend the entire game doing your most derogatory and
stereotypical impression of a Frenchman. If possible, perform the impression
from the stadiumʹs smoking area.

Maholm, Paul - Although he did strike out Billy Crystal when the comedian was
on his one-game spring training stint with the Yankees earlier this year, Crystal
still fouled off a ball. Thatʹs got to be embarrassing.

Marté, Dámaso - Marté has always been highly regarded for his stuff, but for
some reason or another, doesnʹt have the mental makeup to get those all-
important last 3 outs of a game. Make a graph displaying the amount of money

63
heʹs currently making versus the amount heʹd be making as a closer, which is
much, much, much more.

McLouth, Nate - According to RhymeZone, the surname of ʺMcLouthʺ is a very


rare one, currently the 50,472nd popular in America. Ask Nate how he feels
about being so unpopular.

Mientkiewicz, Doug - For someone known as a gritty, tough, likable player,


Doug sure has been with a lot of teams during his career. Give him two options
for that kind of mobility: either heʹs in such demand that teams are continually
jockeying for his services, or heʹs a bit more of a dick than previously thought.
Seeing how he would only give up the famous World Series ball from 2004 to the
Red Sox after a lengthy legal process, assume itʹs the latter.

Morris, Matt - Morris won the Comeback Player of the Year award back in 2001
after coming back from Tommy John surgery and having a Cy Young-caliber
season (he finished 3rd in the voting). Unfortunately, itʹs been nothing but
downhill since then. Suggest another Tommy John surgery, whether he needs it
or not.

Nady, Xavier - Last year, Nady was tested for Crohnʹs disease because he felt
stomach pains and the disease ran in his family. Although the tests came back
negative, suggest that Nagy wear a diaper while running the bases just in case.

Paulino, Ronny - During his rookie season last year, Paulino become the 1st
rookie catcher since Mike Piazza to hit over .310 in at least 100 at-bats. Comment
that, from where youʹre sitting, it looks like Paulino shares another trait with
Mike Piazza, namely his ability to fully digest a penis.

Rivas, Luis - Ask him what type of moisterizer he uses on his hands, because
they sure are soft, especially when he casually turns that double play ball. The
only thing, if you could make a suggestion, would be getting a manicure. His
cuticles are, like, completely ragged.

Sanchez, Freddy - Winner of the 2006 Tony Conigliaro Award, given to the
player who best overcomes an obstacle or adversity to succeed, Sanchez took
home the honor because he was born with a right club foot and a severely
pigeon-toed left foot. Dredge up an old painful memory by paying a high-priced
escort to dress up as the head cheerleader and ask Sanchez to dance. While she
does, have another dozen high-priced escorts stand behind her and giggle at the

64
mock proposal.

Snell, Ian - According to Wikipedia, for some reason or another, from 2001-to-
2003, Snell went by the name Ian Oquendo, his wifeʹs last name. This, somehow,
makes him less of a man. Remind him of this every chance you get.

Wilson, Jack - If you squint just right, Wilson looks kind of like Steve-O of Jackass
fame. Except with a little less intelligence.

65
St. Louis Cardinals

Ankiel, Rick - Donʹt you think heʹs been through enough already? Just leave him
alone. No? Fine, then be a dick, dress up like Freud, and ask him if heʹs ready to
discuss the mental issues that led to his downfall in the 2000 playoffs. When he
refuses to respond, run down a list of possible mental trauma, all of which will
be sexually in nature.

Carpenter, Chris - Carpenter wonʹt be around much after undergoing Tommy


John surgery last year, but if you do get the chance, itʹs best to make him aware
of one of the lesser-known side effects of the surgery. Namely, anal leakage.

Clement, Matt - His career has drastically gone downhill ever since being hit in
the head with a line drive in 2005. As such, the right move is reminding him of
the inherent danger that comes with standing a mere 60 feet away, and directly
in front, of someone hitting a baseball. In fact, there are plenty of occupations
that carry less risk, like an Alaskan crab fisherman.

Duncan, Chris - A big chewer of tobacco, reenact one of those annoying whiny
TheTruth.com commercials, ideally one about tobacco use leading to low birth
weights for babies, because nothingʹs funnier than skinny preemies.

Glaus, Troy - Another player cited in the Mitchell Report, remind him that, no
matter how large his muscles get, his wife always love her horse more than him.
(Sheʹs a professional equestrian!)

Gonzalez, Juan - Thereʹs just about no chance heʹs going to see time on the field
this year, since he sucks and all, but if he does, taunt him with his usual
nickname of ʹJuan Goneʹ, this time with heavy implications that the only item
ʹgoneʹ is his skill. To get this point across, you might need to use a run-on
sentence.

Isringhausen, Jason - Ask a friend loudly if he thinks that whenever Izzy sees
the 2006 World Championship ring he owns, whether or not it makes him feel
like a fraud, seeing as he didnʹt help the team at all that year. In fact, you should
state that, theoretically, if Izzy was completely healthy, the team might not have
won anything at all that year.

Izturis, Cesar - Before finding his way to the Cardinals earlier this year, the

66
Pirates refused to pick up his option coming into this year. The Pirates. The
Pittsburgh Pirates. The worst team in baseball and possibly all of sports. They
didnʹt want him. This is a fact that should be brought up often.

Kennedy, Adam - Ignore that heʹs not directly related to The Kennedys and
create a visual timeline of the infamous Kennedy Curse -- which is surprisingly
extensive -- leaving ample room at the end of your poster to show the most
recent cursed event: Adam Kennedy Being Born.

Looper, Braden - Seeing as itʹs too rare for a player to have a first-initial, last-
name combo that Braden has, dust off your best Marv Albert costume and
deliver a running commentary in the Hall of Fame broadcasterʹs voice, awarding
B-Looper every one of this yearʹs Albert Achievement Awards. You can also win
fans over by suggesting Looperʹs back looks mighty tasty, almost good enough to
bite repeatedly.

Ludwick, Ryan - Born in the small, population-10,000 island town of Satellite


Beach, Florida, odds are good that Ludwick spent much of his childhood having
nightmares about drowning. Play on these fears by wearing life preservers,
occasionally spraying him with water, and loudly reading passages from
Natasha: The Biography of Natalie Wood.

Molina, Yadier - Owner of one of the strongest defensive arms in all of baseball,
hint that you have an idea of how he built such a quick throwing arm, and that
idea involves a hidden addiction to masturbation.

Mulder, Mark - Holding up a large laminated poster of Mulder, Barry Zito and
Tim Hudson during their glory days in Oakland while singing a heartfelt
rendition of Barbra Streisandʹs ʹThe Way We Wereʹ should work.

Piñeiro, Joel - While most folks will humorously mock his first name, take a
different route and make fun of the tilde in his last name, possibly by comparing
it to a sperm, an item you should assume Joe-EL(!) has a low count of.

Pujols, Albert - Last year, Pujols became a U.S. citizen after scoring a perfect 100
on the citizenship test. Congratulate him on this dorky acheivement in a mildy
sarcastic tone, making him question the sincerity of your words.

Reyes, Anthony - Thereʹs a word for players who refuse to curve the bills of their
ballcap. That word is dork. Or nerd. Or geek. Or retard. Or weirdo. Or skank. Or

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dildo. Or douchebag. Or tool. Or, in Britain, cunt. Or hillbilly. Or Philistine. Or
girlie man. Or flaming homo. Or dumbass. Or dumb motherfucker. Or ass. Or
asshole. Or, to use one that brings back many horrible memories, palsy. So,
apparently there are quite a few words for those kinds of people. Use one of
those.

Wainwright, Adam - A practicing Christian, get in his head by alternately


reading passages from Darwinʹs On the Origin of Species and lawsuits brought
against Christian evangelical preachers, which are plentiful.

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San Diego Padres

Bard, Josh - Bard was catching for pitcher Clay Hensley when he gave up record-
tying home run number 755 to Barry Bonds last year. Thank him for ruining the
sport of baseball forever by letting the bad guy win.

Barrett, Michael - Spending the entire game alternating between yelling


ʺZambranoʹs better!ʺ and ʺPierzynskiʹs better!ʺ should do the trick. When Barrett
rides the pine -- which should be often -- throw in a ʺBardʹs better!ʺ when it feels
right.

Edmonds, Jim - Known for his gritty, old-time, ʺschool of hard knocksʺ style of
play, let Edmonds know that if he was born during an earlier era, he might have
fit right in. Except for that whole ʺwearing eyeliner during every gameʺ thing he
does.

Germano, Justin - His last name is presumably Spanish for ʺGermanʺ, meaning
you should alternate between making fun of Germanyʹs Great Embarassment
during WWII and by proclaiming that America does need that Southern border
fence.

Giles, Brian - A player with 35+ home run power during a 5-year span from ʹ99
to ʹ04, create a make-believe fantasy world for him where the vast outfield of
Petco Park didnʹt sap him of statistics, giving him a realistic chance at 400 career
homers, and hell, maybe even an outside shot at the Hall of Fame. Instead, in the
real world, heʹs merely known as the Giles brother whoʹs not on steroids.

Gonzalez, Adrian - A devout church-goer, ask him if he can translate a Bible


passage youʹre having trouble comprehending, specifically Leviticus 20:18: ʺAnd
if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her
nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the
fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their
people.ʺ Inquire if this was put in for an actual religious reason, or just as an
excuse for men to skip out during Aunt Flowʹs monthly visit?

Greene, Khalil - A practicer of the Baháʹí Faith, which is a Persian religion that
emphasizes the spiritual unity of all humankind, let him know that you actually
follow certain tenants of their teachings, specifically becoming united with the
female members of his family. With your penis.

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Hairston, Scott - Hairston comes from a long line of ballplayers, the longest in
baseball history according to games played. Unfortunately, just like the old days
of analog cassettes, a copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy tends to lose some of its quality,
the Hairston family being no exception. Illustrate this point by dramatically
unspooling a bunch of VHS tapes.

Hensley, Clay - While it makes sense Hensley would serve up a juicy pitch to
Barry Bonds for his record-tying home run -- if only because heʹd have a footnote
in the history books -- it makes more sense after realizing Hensley himself was
suspended in 2005 for taking steroids. And since it looks like juicers stick
together, dress up like Jack Lalanne and go down the list of items that are
juicable. Somewhere on the list should be Hensleyʹs ass.

Hoffman, Trevor - Busting out your video iPod and playing a looped version of
Hoffmanʹs blown save against the Rockies during last yearʹs Game 163 should
suffice.

Iguchi, Tadahito - Since his English still needs some work, spend a majority of
your time explaining what a ʺgoochʺ exactly is. Hint: Itʹs synonymous with
ʺgrundleʺ and probably full of sweat right now.

Kouzmanoff, Kevin - Known as ʺThe Crushinʹ Russianʺ -- despite not being


Russian at all -- perfect your best Senator Joseph McCarthy impression and
spend the game questioning his political affiliations, eventually concluding that
heʹs a Communist and should be black-listed.

Maddux, Greg - Letʹs not mince words here. Maddux, one of the greatest
pitchers in the history of the game, possibly the best pitcher in the past 20 years
and a shoe-in first ballot Hall of Famer, looks kind of like he has Down
Syndrome.

McAnulty, Paul - Tell him that while youʹre happy heʹs stopped his womanizing
and manipulation of crime scene evidence, you canʹt for the life of you figure out
what heʹs going to do now that heʹs been kicked off the Baltimore PD. After you
get his attention with this seeming non-sequitur, go on a 3-hour-long rant about
how the press is no longer a worthwhile American institution.

Meredith, Cla - One of the more effective relievers in the majors, Meredith
throws with a sidearm thrower. Unfortunately for Meredith, this isnʹt due to a

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conscious decision on his part, but because itʹs the motion he uses during his
more intimate moments with himself, which he partakes in often. And now itʹs
stuck like that.

Peavy, Jake - Currently, the best pitcher in baseball, perhaps itʹs best to leave him
alone. If you need to heckle him somehow, make fun of him liking ʺLarry the
Cable Guyʺ, who completely sucks, with or without his fake accent.

Prior, Mark - Comment to a friend, as loudly as possible, that for all the hype
about Priorʹs perfect pitching mechanics early on in his career, they really havenʹt
amounted to anything, have they? When he overhears this and looks your way,
premiere a cover version of the hit song from The Simpsons, ʺDo The Bartmanʺ.

Wolf, Randy - With the knowledge that Randyʹs older brother is a major league
umpire, make your case that the pair are similar to the classic films Teen Wolf and
Teen Wolf Too!, in that second one to come out completely sucked.

Young, Chris - Inquire about what happened to his acting career, seeing as you
loved him in PCU and Book of Love. Perhaps others were unable to take him
seriously because of his boyish good looks and foppish hair.

71
San Francisco Giants

Aurilia, Rich - Known for his active role in the Make-A-Wish Foundation, let
him know that if you were dying of a terminal disease, your first wish would be
to no longer be dying of the disease. But your second wish would be that Aurilia
finally retires.

Cain, Matt - Despite having an above-average ERA of 3.65 last year, Cain was
credited with a 7-16 record after a horrendous streak of bad luck. Tell Matt that,
while you understand wins and losses are a statistic based generally on luck, itʹs
still weird that his teammates hate him so much.

Correia, Kevin - A graduate of Grossmont High School, another famous


alumnus of the school is David Leisure, best known for his role as Joe Isuzu, the
fictional pathological liar who starred in the popular Isuzu commercials during
the 80s. As such, dress up like a used car salesman and make outrageous false
claims about Correiaʹs playing abilities. Something like ʺYou are good enough to
be in the major leaguesʺ is a nice way to start.

Durham, Ray - A big fan of his own nickname ʺRay-Rayʺ, conclude that since he
enjoys it so much, he wonʹt mind if you make a small adjustment to it, namely
changing the Rs to Gs.

Frandsen, Kevin - As of this writing, Frandsen has not updated his MLB Blog,
ʺFrannie on the Farmʺ, since October 15th, 2006. Inquire if Frandsen thinks that
just because heʹs now in the majors he could get away with leaving an orphaned
blog on the Internet. Also, ask if his feces have any odor associated with them,
ʹcause you heard he thought otherwise.

Hennessey, Brad - Back in 2002, Hennessey had a cancerous tumor removed


from his back, meaning you should come to the game dressed as the tumor,
yelling ʺyou canʹt get rid of meʺ, ʺIʹm a part of youʺ, and ʺdonʹt turn your back to
me ... unless youʹre offering it as another invitation?ʺ

Kline, Steve - Mostly relegated to mop-up duty at this point in his career, youʹll
see plenty of Kline this season since the team will be involved in plenty of
lopsided games, and not the good kind. When heʹs out there, spend ample
opportunity acting like Yorvit Torrealba and make fun of his 84 MPH fastball.

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Lewis, Fred - Ask how his cousin, Matt Lawton, is doing now that he doesnʹt
have a team to play for. And then ask if Lawton has come asking for money from
Lewis yet, money heʹll probably use for steroids.

Lincecum, Tim - Nicknamed ʺThe Franchiseʺ, write and deliver an eloquent


essay on the subject of how retail chains and Big Businesses in general are killing
the heart of America by closing down all the mom-and-pop shops. Pay special
attention to the mom-and-pop video stores, the only ones with the balls to carry
porn.

Lowry, Noah - Before spring training, it was a foregone conclusion that Lowry,
once he proved he was healthy, would be starting the year on the South Side of
Chicago after being dealt for Joe Crede. The only problem was that Lowry didnʹt
recover, and in fact now needs surgery on his forearm. And while itʹs nice that
Lowry is still in San Francisco, itʹs a good idea to let him know Credeʹs up-to-
date stats, if only to act as a reminder that the Giants clearly love him more.

Molina, Bengie - When the rumormongerers say Molina is one of the slowest
baserunners in all of baseball, what they really mean to say is that heʹs a slow
adults.

Roberts, Dave - Best known for stealing that base during the Red Sox amazing
comeback against the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS, blame Roberts for being the
leading cause of the general obnoxiousness of Red Sox Nation. This should get
the rest of the fans on your side and then theyʹll do whatever you say. Use your
power wisely.

Rowand, Aaron - An avid Bears fan, bring a list of all 21 quarterbacks that the
Monsters of the Midway have gone through while the Packers have relied on the
consistent hand of Brett Favre. His eyes should tear up by the time you reach
Moses Moreno.

Sanchez, Jonathan - One of the top prospects in all of baseball, Sanchez has an
amazing pitching repertoire that has, in some cases, been described of as ʺdirtyʺ.
Create a nickname by taking this word and combining it with his last name.

Vizquel, Omar - While it seems the well-publicized feud with ex-teammate Jose
Mesa has cooled down a bit, you should spend the afternoon invoking Mesaʹs
name every chance you get, specifically when referencing how much of a better
dancer he is.

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Wilson, Brian - Named after the legendary Beach Boy, give him an aural
biography of his namesake, taking extreme pleasure in telling tales from that
whole ʺgoing crazyʺ period.

Winn, Randy - A college roommate of Steve Nash, you might want to point out
that heʹs having a much, much, much, much better career than Winn.

Zito, Barry - As a way to support soldiers wounded in military operations, Zito


created the charity Strikeouts for Troops, to which he donates $400 for every
strikeout he throws. Seeing as his strikeout totals have decreased over the past 3
years, inquire why Zito has started hating the troops.

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Seattle Mariners

Batista, Miguel - Last year, Batista wrote a thriller novel entitled The Avenger of
Blood. Start by explaining how much you enjoyed his book, especially the part at
the end where you found out the killer was ______. It doesnʹt matter what name
you use; fans nearby will believe you just ruined the ending for them, keeping
them by purchasing the novel and costing Batista untold millions in revenue!

Bedard, Erik - Originally from Canada, warn Bedard that he better be cautious
down here: We donʹt have free universal health care like some folks.

Beltré, Adrián - In order to help his defensive range, Beltré has decided to forgo
wearing a protective cup because he finds them uncomfortable and they affect
his running. Luckily, and this is something you should point out, he doesnʹt need
one. Because he doesnʹt have a penis.

Betancourt, Yuniesky - Another Cuban defector, he was illegally smuggled into


the U.S. way back in 2003. Spend much of the game contemplating how large his
smugglerʹs asshole must have been to fit Betancourt inside of it. Close by asking
him if heʹs been able to get the stench off yet.

Dickey, R.A. - One of the greatest names in all of baseball, just sit back, take a
breather, and let those around you make fun of Dickeyʹs last name when he takes
the mound. Which will not be often.

Hernández, Félix - Possibly given the royal nickname of ʺKing Felixʺ a bit too
prematurely in his young career, suggest an alternative like, say, Countess von
Felix. Follow this up by calling for his beheading after every time he gives up a
hit.

Ibáñez, Raúl - In the past two years, heʹs put up arguably the greatest stats of his
long career. Itʹs not unheard of, but kind of strange that a player would turn the
corner at 34 years old, an age when most playersʹ skills start diminishing. In fact,
itʹs a little too strange. From here, concoct a Twilight Zone-esque story about the
deal Raúl made with someone who may or may not be the devil. (Spoiler: he is)

Johjima, Kenji - Trying as hard as possible to learn English in order to be a more


effective catcher, warn Johjima about another person of Asian persuasion who
tried to learn English: Jin from Lost. And his wife cheated on him!

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López, José - Make him aware that youʹre not even going to bother heckling him,
since heʹs the 2nd-best 2nd-baseman named José on the team. Plus, you canʹt find
any dirt on him.

Putz, J.J. - When he comes in the 9th inning for his closing duties, Putz runs to
the mound while AC/DCʹs ʺThunderstruckʺ plays on the stadiumʹs loudspeakers.
He is the 3,487th pitcher to use that song as his entrance music. Recognize the
lameness in his unoriginality and begin suggesting alternatives. Number one on
your list: ʺIʹm Coming Outʺ by Diana Ross.

Reed, Jeremy - Whereas the recognition of Arizonaʹs Chris Young is frowned


upon because of his inclusion in Kenny Williamsʹ Folly, feel free to heckle this ex-
White Sock as much as you want. If he ever finds his way back into the starting
lineup.

Sexson, Richie - At 6-foot-6, Sexson is the tallest position player in MLB history.
Ask Richie if itʹs true what the old saying says about tall men and their genitals.
When he doesnʹt respond, assume that heʹs the exception to that rule.

Silva, Carlos - Last year, his son was born one hour after teammateʹs Juan
Rinconʹs son, meaning the kidʹs going to spend the rest of his life getting beat up
by the Younger Rincon. Suggest that, if he really loved his son, he would have
paid the doctors some under-the-table cash to push the delivery up a few hours.

Suzuki, Ichiro - The first MLB player to be inducted into the Golden Players
Club, Japanʹs baseball hall of fame, spend the game spamming those around you
with pamphlets and verbal diatribes about the legitimacy of Ron Paul as a
presidential candidate. When theyʹve gotten sufficiently annoyed at your
unrealistic arguments, explain that youʹre doing this all on Ichiroʹs behalf, since
heʹs evidently a huge fan of the Gold Standard. The fans will then focus their
anger on the outfielder, who will presumably be maimed.

Vidro, José - One of the most patient hitters in the league, Vidro has never struck
out more than 70 times in a season. Opine that this is probably because he saves
all of his striking out for the ladies.

Washburn, Jarrod - One of the most underrated pitchers around, let him know
that you really appreciate the great work heʹs been doing out there for years now.
Once you realize itʹs actually Washburn out there and not Roy Halladay, exclaim

76
ʺoh!ʺ and take back every complement you previously gave.

Wilkerson, Brad - While he has never been married, Wilkerson has two
daughters. Inquire throughout the entire game about how this can be because,
for the life of you, you canʹt figure out how two children can come into existence
except through the love and devotion of a happily married couple. Unless itʹs one
of those strange Biblical miracles. And, if thatʹs the case, are one of his two girls
the Second Coming? Is the other one jealous?

77
Tampa Bay Rays

Aybar, Willy - Admit that itʹs too bad he got hurt this year, seeing as now that
the Rays brought up top propsect Evan Longoria to take over for the injured
Aybar, heʹs never going to get his job back again. Ever.

Baldelli, Rocco - Whenever you see him, which will be rare, immediately make a
point of paging Dr. House.

Bartlett, Jason - Part of the trade that brought pitcher Matt Garza to the Rays and
sent young phenom Delmon Young to the Twins, ask Bartlett how it feels to be
the least gifted quantity in a blockbuster trade like that one.

Crawford, Carl - One of the best players in the majors when you just consider his
statistics, Crawford would be an Alex Rodriguez level superstar if he was
playing on just about any other team than the Rays. Console him by reminding
Crawford that all 300 of the Rays fans really like him. Thatʹs got to be worth
something.

Floyd, Cliff - During his long 16-year career, Floyd has only played 1535 of a
possible 2450 games. Suggest that maybe itʹs time to be involved in a less
strenuous sport, something along the lines of ʺcompetitive sleepingʺ.

Garza, Matt - Compare Garza to the player he was recently traded for, Delmon
Young, making a point to let Garza know that he certainly needs to have one hell
of a career to make it close to being a fair trade. Thatʹs how good Young is going
to be.

Gomes, Jonny - At the age of 22, in 2002, he suffered a heart attack and nearly
died. Wonder if the condition was really solved, or if it was just a sign that hig
heart can stop at any minute, like now! Continue to say now! throughout the rest
of the game.

Hammel, Jason - According to his eerily limited Wikipedia profile, Hammelʹs


girlfriend originally comes from Rhode Island, making it extremely likely that
sheʹs racist. Ask him when the Klan meeting is.

Hinske, Eric - From 2001 to 2003, the three winners of the American League
Rookie of the Year award were, in order, Ichiro Suzuki, Hinske, and Angel

78
Berroa. Let him know that one of these three is not like the others, and, more
damaging, the other two are exactly the same.

Iwamura, Akinori - ʺAkiʺ holds the Japanese record for most strikeouts in a
season with 173 in 2004. Use this to attack his honor. However, before you do,
make sure all swords are locked away.

Jackson, Edwin - Born in Germany, bring up painful memories from his


childhood by coming to the game in a black leotard and blasting homemade
techno music.

Kazmir, Scott - During his appearance in the 2006 All Star Game, Kazmir was
flown to the game by fellow All Star Alex Rodriguez. Wonder aloud what exactly
Kazmir had to do to get such a perk. When going through possible scenarios,
make sure all of them involve some kind of homosexual activity.

Longoria, Evan - Let him no that, no matter how hard he tries, heʹll just never be
a viable film actress. Instead, he should be happy enough with a hit TV show and
being able to spend every night with that dreamy Tony Parker.

Navarro, Dionar - His nickname ʺLittle Pudgeʺ comes from his resemblance to
future Hall of Fame Tigers catcher Ivan Rodriguez. At least thatʹs what he was
told. Break the bad news that, in actuality, he got his nickname from his less-
than-ample genital size.

Niemann, Jeff - His last name rhymes with ʺsemenʺ, which should be enough
information to get you through his brief stint in the majors.

Peña, Carlos - Long thought to be an up-and-coming star, Peña never really


caught on anywhere until last year with the Rays, his 6th season in the big
leagues. Admit that while itʹs a nice story heʹs finally broken past the barrier and
become a viable major league option, it must suck to do so when youʹre already
on the downslope of your career. When you realize how much money he makes
anyway, heckle someone else.

Percival, Troy - Technically part of the World Series runner-up Tigers team of
2006 despite never once throwing a pitch during the season, console Percival
with the fact that, somewhere in the galactic vortex of alternate universes,
Percival is healthy enough to actually pitch in the World Series. But, even in that
universe, they still lose because he sucks.

79
Reyes, Al - On April 10th, Reyes got in a bar fight in South Tampa and was tased
twice by police. Create a dramatic interpretations of the event, complete with
props, lighting, sound effects, and at least five plot twists.

Ruggiano, Justin - He was born in Austin, Texas, making him an American-


hating tree-hugging hippy. Protest him.

Shields, James - Shields is San Francisco Giants outfielder Aaron Rowandʹs first
cousin, someone who not only has a World Series ring, but is also making a
whole lot money than him, although not a large enough amount as to make
Rowand feel obligated to buy him things. Thatʹs the worst possible scenario.

Sonnanstine, Andy - A graduate of Wadsworth High School in Wadsworth,


Ohio, use this as an excuse to finally premiere your one-man play based on the
brilliant film Clue. Make sure to hum all the music and close with the line ʺone
plus two plus two plus one is ...ʺ

Upton, B.J. - His real name is ʺMelvin Emanuelʺ, which oddly has neither a ʺBʺ
or a ʺJʺ in it. Suggest that he was given his first name because he mixed up the
ʺnameʺ and ʺhobbiesʺ section on one of his forms.

80
Texas Rangers

Benoit, Joaquín - In 2002, Benoit got the longest save in major league history,
pitching the final 7 innings of a game. For some reason, the official scorer refused
to give Benoit the win for the game, even though he could have easily done so.
Bring up the fact that, perhaps if the official scorer had given him a win instead
of a save, Benoit could have been seen as a starter instead of a bullpen arm, in the
process earning millions more dollars and impregnating dozens more women on
the merits of his fame and prestige alone.

Blalock, Hank - Recently diagnosed with Thoracic outlet syndrome, which is a


disorder that affects the nerves which pass from the neck to the arms, tell him not
to think about this too much since, you know, itʹs not like nerves running
through your neck are important or anything.

Botts, Jason - Since we havenʹt done one of these in awhile, how about ʺMore like
Jason Notts!ʺ Not good enough? Fine. Fuck you, jerks.

Bradley, Milton - Simply being an umpire seems to be enough to get under his
skin, so don a costume, sit in his line of sight, and wait patiently for him to
explode. Make sure to wear bulletproof armor underneath.

Broussard, Ben - One of those annoying kinds of players who spend their free
time trying to be rock stars by recording music, one of his songs was featured in
the A&E show ʺDog the Bounty Hunterʺ, making Broussard a racist by
association. Let him know youʹre going to alert the NAACP.

Byrd, Marlon - If anyone near you has trouble pronouncing his last name, just
tell them it rhymes with ʺturdʺ, which is kind of ironic. You think. Youʹre not
really sure what ironic means.

Catalanotto, Frank - Suggest that he add a few more vowels into his last name,
seeing as itʹs not like he already has enough of them already or anything. Finish
the heckle by added, ʺJeez!ʺ

Gabbard, Kason - Point out that it certainly musnʹt feel too good being traded
midseason from a team that goes on to win the World Series. Then again, if he
stayed on the team thereʹs no assurance that they would have gone on to win
anything at all. Gabbard sucks that much.

81
Guardado, Eddie - Seeing as heʹs only pitched in 46 games over the past 3 years,
perhaps itʹs time to change the ʺEvery Day Eddieʺ nickname. Suggest something
along the lines of ʺEvery Day Except Those That End In Y Eddieʺ.

Hamilton, Josh - Start each inning off by offering him a type of drug, the
strength of the drug getting progressively stronger as the game goes on. By the
9th inning, heʹll be off the wagon.

Kinsler, Ian - According to one of those fluff sports page pieces, Kinsler has been
asked to sign autographs on a diaper, a neck brace, a yarmulke, a kidʹs arm and a
giant baseball. Ask him to sign his John Hancock on one more place, your own
John Hancock. In case it isnʹt clear what you mean, point towards your genitals.

Jennings, Jason - Suggest that perhaps Jennings would have had a better career
if he didnʹt pitch in three of the most extreme hitters ballparks in the majors:
Colorado begat Houston begat his current place of business in Texas. Perhaps itʹs
time to fire that agent of his.

Laird, Gerald - Let him know that, no matter how well he performs, that young
Saltalamacchia fella currently toiling in the minors is going to have his job sooner
or later. Offer to help update his resume.

McCarthy, Brandon - Let him know that, as of April 18th when this was written,
no one in America liked him enough to pony up the $10 it costs to sponsor a
playerʹs page on Baseball-Reference.com. John Danks, on the other hand, has a
sponser. Thatʹs got to sting a little.

Millwood, Kevin - In 1997, he was part of one of the greatest starting rotations of
all time for the Atlanta Braves, including himself, Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux,
and John Smoltz. Of the four, only one of them will not be in the Hall of Fame.
Ask Millwood if he can guess which one.

Murphy, David - He shares a birthday with hunky teen dreamboat Zac Effron.
As such, confuse the two and continually ask Murphy to autograph your copy of
Teen Beat.

Padilla, Vicente - Inquire about whatever happened to his fan section ʺPadillaʹs
Flotillaʺ, because, when you were looking around the stadium, you werenʹt able
to find it. In fact, you werenʹt able to find any fans of Padillaʹs. Odd.

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Saltalamacchia, Jarrod - According to Wikipedia, Jarrod is married to a woman
14 years older then him, who just so happened to work as a teacher in his high
school. If you canʹt think of something witty from this piece of information,
youʹve let us all down.

Wilson, C.J. - A follower of the ʺStraight Edgeʺ lifestyle, spend the afternoon
calling him various names synonymous with vagina.

Young, Michael - Get under his skin by referring to him as Michael ʺNot Soʺ
Young ʺAnymoreʺ. And then laugh and laugh at your wit, until you realize that
you yourself are also not so young anymore, making this exercise in heckling
more and more depressing as you realize what a waste your life has become. At
this point you will come to a second realization about why baseball stadiums can
charge so much for alcohol: because no matter the cost, you will be drinking
mightily that night.

83
Toronto Blue Jays

Burnett, A.J. – Inquire about the many tattoos that Burnett has, and then when
he begins to launch into a detailed story about how this-or-that tattoo holds a
deep significance to him because of blah-blah-blah, loudly proclaim ʺWow, you
are not interesting at allʺ and walk away.

Eckstein, David - Known as a ʺhard-nosed playerʺ, Ecksteinʹs nose isnʹt the only
thing hard about him, ladies. His elbows are also hard. As are his knees. If you
can possibly think of another part of the male anatomy that would also be
comical if it were hard, go ahead and scream out a heckle with that.

Halladay, Roy –During midseason surgery last year, Halladay had his appendix
removed and left for dead. Dress up as his appendix and spend the entire
evening asking how he could have abandoned you. Feel free to come up with a
clever back story about growing up in an orphanage, running away to the San
Fernando Valley, and eventually having to make ends meet by starring in
homoerotic films like Appendicks!

Hill, Aaron - His appearances at second base, shortstop, third base, and
designated hitter during his short career mean one thing: Hill canʹt make up his
mind. Use this OCD-esque tick to make him second-guess every decision heʹs
made that day, from trying to make that double-play, to having orange juice with
his toast, to his recent marriage. That last one should rattle him for a few innings.

Johnson, Reed – Consistently among the leaders in being hit by pitches, Johnson
thinks it’s just because he crowds the plate. It’s not. It’s because the opposing
pitchers hate him. As does his mother.

Litsch, Jesse – Seeing as he constantly has to deal with looking as dorky as he


does in his official MLB profile photo, it might be best to leave poor Jesse alone.
In fact, it might be a good idea to let the rest of your section know how strongly
you feel about this by handing out color copies of his mug, detailing exactly what
makes him look so Opie-esque.

Marcum, Shaun – Oddly enough, if you split his last name in two, the second
half is synonymous with ejaculate. Use that information how you see fit.

McGowan, Dustin – While not technically related to actress Rose McGowan, you

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should remind him that, most likely, all McGowans were, at some point or
another, related to each other. At least, that’s what you told Rose, who agreed
never to have sex with him now after hearing the news.

Overbay, Lyle – Fake an ear issue that, for some reason or another, always
makes it sound like the P.A. announcer is calling up to bat some first baseman
named Lyle Overgay.

Rios, Alex - According to some kind of fielding statistic, Alex Rios had the
lowest ʺrangeʺ out of all the right fielders in the league. While it would take too
much research to figure out exactly what this stat means, as long as you
somehow incorporate it into a crack about the weight of his maternal parent,
youʹll be fine.

Rolen, Scott - Any heckle should work if you speak it from behind your Larry
Bowa and Tony LaRussa masks.

Ryan, B.J. – Stay away from the obvious immature route and just address him by
his middle name: Oral-Copulation.

Thomas, Frank - A college teammate of promotional superstar Bo Jackson,


Thomas should be overjoyed when you tell him you have a message from
Jackson regarding another subject Bo has knowledge of. Thomas should lose his
mirth when he learns the message is that Thomas sucks.

Wells, Vernon – At the top of your lungs, and within earshot of Wells, sing
ʺHappy Birthdayʺ to Reed Johnson, completely ignoring the fact that Vernon
shares the same birthdate. If Wells asks why youʹre snubbing him, reply by
feigning that you didn’t see him there, under that enormous pile of money he
stole from the team last year, after signing that huge contract and not producing
at all.

Zaun, Gregg – It might be tricky, but when addressing Zaun, make sure to not
pronounce the last ʺgʺ in his first name.

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Washington Nationals

Belliard, Ronnie - After the 2006 World Series, a woman tried to extort $150,000
from Belliard after accusing him of impregnating her. What the woman didnʹt
count on however, and itʹs something you should mention, is that Belliard canʹt
impregnate women. Because heʹs a eunuch.

Bergmann, Jason - With just a few long nights of investigative Internet


journalism -- filling in the blanks with your own blatant lies -- you can easily
trace Bergmannʹs lineage all the way back to Frank Hitler, Adolfʹs dad. This
seems like just the right note of controversy to use against him.

Chico, Matt - Suggest that it might be best to just make it official and add a short
vertical line on the right side of the last letter of his name.

Cordero, Chad - Known for his completely flat bill-cap, make Cordero aware
that it always makes him look like the goofiest dork on the field, even if they
happen to be playing against Jesse Litschʹs Blue Jays. Demand his lunch money.

Dukes, Elijah - You shouldnʹt need any advice here: Start with the multiple
arrests, and close with his tales of violence against women.

Estrada, Johnny - Pretend to be his biggest fan by fitting yourself into tight jeans,
growing a thick head of hair, visiting the tanning machine, and telling Estrada
you have your standard issue California Highway Patrol motorcycle parked
outside.

Guzmán, Cristian - Really, for an 8-year veteran itʹs shocking how no one really
cares about Guzmán at all, about anything. Heʹs barely noticed out there on the
field by the normal fans and participants in fantasy leagues even ignore him. You
should follow suit.

Harris, Willie - During his time with the White Sox, Harris was given the
nickname ʺPeapodʺ by famed announcer Ken ʺThe Hawkʺ Harrelson, although
no one is sure why he settled on that name. Hazard a guess that perhaps itʹs
because Harrelson walked into the locker room at an inopportune time one
evening, happening upon a nude Harris and his oddly shaped testicles.

Hill, Shawn - Born on the exact same day as Jessica Alba, be honest and let Hill

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know that there is no chance she would ever have sex with him. Maybe if she
loses a lot of her looks because of her current pregnancy. But even then, probably
not.

Johnson, Nick - He missed the entire 2007 season after sustaining a broken
femur during a collision with right fielder Austin Kearns. Kearns, meanwhile,
came back from the collision after only missing a brief period of time and ended
hitting for career highs in 2007. As such, spend a whole lot of time comparing the
two players, making special note of how Johnson is a much bigger pussy.

Kearns, Austin - Spread the rumor that the real reason fans have nicknamed him
ʺAustin Powersʺ is because, after a very promising start, heʹs gotten increasingly
worse with each go-round, no matter how many midget jokes he makes.

Lo Duca, Paul - In 2006, Lo Ducaʹs wife, a former Playboy model, filed for
divorce. Suggest that really he shouldnʹt have been surprised by the divorce, itʹs
just an example of the universe performing one of its ʺcorrectionsʺ.

Lopez, Felipe - Currently the bearer of the number 2 on his jersey, suggest itʹs
because he plays like the bodily function of the same name.

Milledge, Lastings - He was reportedly given his unique first name because his
mom knew he would be her last child. She knew this because, from there on out,
there were nothing but abortions. Which were plentiful. (The heavy implication
here is that even after Lastingsʹ birth, she still had a whole lot of intercourse.)

Peña, Wily Mo - Last year, Wily Mo got all philanthropic by helping out educate
Latinos about the dangers of type-2 diabetes. Interrogate him about why exactly
he loves type-1 diabetes so much. Doesnʹt he think thatʹs bad too?

Pérez, Odalis - Assume that his middle name is Paul, allowing you to explain
that his initials are definitely something you are not down with. He knows you.

Rauch, Jon - Dredging up past memories of grammar school bullies calling the
6ʹ11ʹʹ pitcher a ʺFreak!ʺ If you go too far and Rauch starts crying, cheer him up by
reminding him of his presumably enormous penis.

Redding, Tim - Redding is the nephew of actress Joyce Randolph, who played
Trixie Norton in the hit TV show The Honeymooners. Wonder aloud if the reason
Trixie was the least seen character on the show was because she was too busy

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icing her face from the heavy beatings Ed would give, which were doubly
horrific after the tips famed wife-beated Ralph gave him.

Young, Dmitri - While a history of troubles have plagued him off-the-field, he


seems to have gotten his act together, meaning you should leave those alone.
Instead, judging by his current weight, you should suggest that maybe itʹs time
to change his nickname from ʺDa Meat Hookʺ to ʺDa Fruits and Vegetables
Hookʺ.

Zimmerman, Ryan - One of the brightest young stars of the game, let Young Zim
know that his Q score would be 100 times higher if he played on any other team.
Itʹs not good being the face of a franchise when that teamʹs fans are wearing bags
over theirs.

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About the Author

Rick Paulas has never written a serious thing in his life, some of which can be
found at ESPN the Magazine, McSweeney’s, Chicago Sports Weekly, Flak Magazine,
and The Morning News. His complete list of credits can be found at
rickpaulas.com. He lives in Los Angeles and is a White Sox fan.

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