Fourth Wall Violations – a Buffy: The Vampire Slayer fanfic

By Danomaly

It was indeed a most unusual sight the citizens of Sunnydale were witnessing that hot
afternoon. Through the streets of the town a genuine Roman cart came rolling, being pulled
by human beings. On the front of the cart there stood a big brute of a man dressed in a black
gown that covered his head and face, making him look like a medieval executioner. He
flogged his whip in the air, forcing the draught men to soldier on through the immensely hot
streets. The cart was made out of pure gold - it shone like the gates of Heaven itself in the
sunlight. Most cars nearly drove into each other when seeing this highly unusual vehicle in
the otherwise boringly generic rush hour traffic.

The cart made a halt outside a certain store called the Box. Out of the cart stepped a man
dressed like a Roman emperor, wearing a body armor made of pure gold, a red, long cape, a
toga and brown leather sandals on his naked, muscular feet. With a gesture with his hand the
slaves huddled together humbly before his feet, kissing his toes and worshiping him. With a
smile of satisfaction the man cleared his throat, before speaking with a firm voice of
authority:

"Character Buffy Anne Summers will now exit the Box!"

Moments later a flabbergasted and confused Buffy came out of the store, not knowing what
had got into her feet - it was certainly not her will to leave behind a fresh cup of coffee and a
big, tasty cup-cake the size of a cat's head. She stared with big eyes and a dropped jaw at this
anachronistic scene before her.

"W-who are you?" she asked. - "How did you know I was here? How did you know my
name?"

"I know everything about you," the mysterious Roman said. Then he made a gesture with his
hands. - "Characters Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay will now appear before the eyes of
character Buffy Anne Summers."

Suddenly the two lesbians appeared out of nowhere. Buffy let out a cry of surprise, suddenly
looking both of them in the eyes. Willow and Tara looked around, thunderstruck of the
sudden change in environment.

"Wh-what?" Tara exclaimed with a flat voice. - "Where are we? I thought we were in your
bedroom, Will! Is this one of your spells?"

"Huh, no it isn't!" Willow exclaimed, before casting her eyes on the mysterious Roman. -
"Who is that?"

"Yeah," Buffy said daringly, not exactly liking being had this way. - "Who are you, Roman?"

The Roman then made another gesture and his slaves flocked before him on their knees, one
of them getting up:

"Characters, this noble man is your creator!"

The Roman smiled of self-satisfaction, slowly nodding. Buffy, Willow and Tara raised their
eyebrows in disbelief. He then said:

"I am Emperor Josefus Vedonius, known better in the real world under my Anglo-Saxon
human name Joss Whedon!"

A deafening silence struck the entire town, as everyone on the street stopped up in awe. Even
the smallest children knew what prominent personality that had degraded himself to visit this
small Californian town in the middle of nowhere. All of them stared at the most powerful
entity in the entire Buffyverse - the one who created it. Buffy, Willow and Tara, however,
appeared completely oblivious to the identity of the man who stood before them with his
Roman cart and his retinue of slaves.

"You made us?" Buffy eventually asked. - "What does it mean? As far as I know, our parents
made us!"

"I believe you are mistaken, character Buffy Anne Summers," Vedonius said, a big smile
forming on his bearded face. - "Allow me to demonstrate my primordial powers." Then he
made another gesture with his hand. - "Character Willow Rosenberg will now play an
accordion, dressed as a Newfoundland fisherman!"

Both Buffy and Willow stared with big eyes on Willow, as she was doing exactly what
Vedonius had declared. She played a song both Buffy and Willow found suspiciously
familiar, although nobody could quite place it. Willow was in fact playing the theme song to
the "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" show - and she played it really good, too, even though
Willow had not been anywhere near an accordion her entire life. She herself was just as
surprised as her friends. They all turned at Vedonius, who smiled in triumph.

"Character William the Bloody a.k.a Spike will now appear, dressed in a ballerina outfit!" he
declared.

A second later Spike did appear, dressed in a cute, white ballerina outfit with white tights and
ballet shoes to match, standing in a typical ballerina position on one foot, the other out in the
air, his muscular arms in a semi-circle above his head. He even had a rose aligned in his
mouth. His face got a confused expression, before looking around with wild, manic eyes. The
fact that he was outside in broad daylight, though, did mysteriously not cause him to catch
fire. He looked at the way he was dressed and at all the people looking at him. With a grunt of
surprise he spat the rose out of his mouth.

"What... what the bloody Hell is this?!" he exclaimed in falsetto. To his great embarrassment
both Buffy, Willow, Tara and all the people on the street laughed of him. Buffy laughed so
hard that she went down on her knees, bending over, banging her hands in the asphalt,
shaking her head while screaming of laughter.

"Character Drusilla will now appear to mock character Spike," Vedonius declared.

Out of nowhere the hopping mad British vampire came, casting a look at Spike and his
ridiculous costume.

"What a strange, strange girlie..." she said with her dreamy, mellow voice. - "Bad Spike's
been cross-dressing, hasn't he... Lots of candy, lots of candy. But fluffy skirt is all wrong. All
wrong. No candy, only skirt. Skirts don't like Tuesdays." She then giggled, both looking and
sounding like she was high as a kite.

As the gravity of the situation became clear for Buffy, Willow and Tara again, their laughter
soon faded away, so did the smiles on their faces.

"Listen, Vodaphone, or whoever you are," Buffy said. - "I don't know what kind of demon or
magician you are, but you're really freaking us out! What do you want from us?"

"I've got blueberries on my soul..." Drusilla muttered, as she danced around the nearby street.

"I am here to become your new master," Vedonious said. - "In the Buffyverse I am Jahve. In
the real world I'm a hard-working director, producer and writer that faces the constant threat
of having my shows canceled by the big, bad Fox! In here, on the other hand, no big, bad Fox
is ever going to cancel my shows or break the hearts of all my fans."

"What kind of fox are you talking about?" Willow asked, not understanding a word despite
her great intelligence. Buffy, Tara and Spike were equally discombobulated. - "I mean, foxes
aren't that bad. They just act upon instinct..." Then she looked at her accordion and fisherman
outfit. - "Erm... Could you please dress me in something else? I feel kinda stupid holding an
accordion, and... uhm... those clothes smell really bad of fish. I don't even like fish." She
looked at Vedonious with pleading eyes. - "Please?"

"Character Willow Rosenberg will now be dressed in Eve's outfit," Vedonious declared.

"Oh, thank you-- Hey, wait!" Willow cried. She was suddenly stark naked. Tara quickly
covered her with her jacket.

"Your ass is so gonna be kicked, Vendetta!" Buffy snarled and ran towards Vedonious.

To her big surprise she suddenly found herself in her own house, about to make a pizza.
Looking around confused she let out a deep, dumbfounded 'huh?'. Feeling the presence of
someone, she turned to the left. There, next to her refrigerator, stood an odd, bald man holding
a plate of cheese slices.

"A pizza always needs good cheese," the man said. Then a dancing dwarf came into the
kitchen, rubbing his hands vigorously together.

"Oh, this is just too messed up..." Buffy exclaimed, before scurrying out of the house.

She ran across the nighttime streets, looking around disoriented. Since when was it dark at
five in the afternoon? As she was running she stumbled, falling face-first into the asphalt.
When she got up, she found herself on the deck of a 18th century boat in the middle of the
sea. It was a violent storm, and she could barely stand on her feet. Looking at herself, she
found herself dressed as a British admiral.

"What the..." she muttered.

"Admiral Summers, we're taking in water!" somebody suddenly said. She turned around and
looked at a sailor who was soaked in water. - "There's nothing more we can do! If we don't hit
the life boats, we will surely drown!"

Buffy was about to say something when someone suddenly poked on her shoulder. She turned
around and looked at that odd bald man with the cheese plate again.

"Cheese fits every occasion," he said and held the plate in front of Buffy with a smile on his
face.

When she turned around again she suddenly found herself on a scene, surrounded by
musicians and music instruments. Everybody looked like they were about to start playing,
everyone either tuning their instruments or performing sound checks. A man looking
suspiciously like Roger Daltrey of The Who came to Buffy.

"Ah, there you are, B," he said with a British accent not unlike that of Spike's. - "About
bloody time you showed up, girl! We can't let them wait any longer now, love. We've gotta
start playin'!"

"A-am I gonna sing?" Buffy asked. The Roger Daltrey look-a-like then burst out in laughter.

"You're a joker," he said. - "Of course you aren't! Look at yourself!"

Buffy looked down, discovering to her gasping horror that she was dressed in a very revealing
latex costume.

"You know what to do," the man said the moment the curtains opened. Before the frightened
eyes of Buffy an ocean of people appeared - there had to be at least one square kilometer
crammed with people. She let out an anxious whimper. Behind the curtain the odd, bald man
was standing, holding his plate of cheese slices, looking at Buffy with a pleading smile on his
face.

"Feeling a bit powerless, character Buffy?" Vedonius asked. Buffy, now back where she was,
immediately got to her feet, no longer angry but afraid. - "What I'm about to tell you now will
make you feel even more powerless. And more afraid - because since I know everything, I
know you are afraid." He turned at Willow, Tara and Spike. - "I know that you're all afraid,
characters."

"Bubbles are coming out of my ears..." Drusilla's sedentary voice sounded in the distance,
followed by giggling.

"Characters Buffy, Willow, Tara, Spike and Drusilla," Vedonius said. - "You are not real.
You may think you are, but you're not. You are the product of my imagination. I created you.
I created Sunnydale. I created this entire universe!"

"Listen, mate, I don't know what you've been smoking, but this has gone too far," Spike said. -
"Unless you wanna feel the wrath of the Slayer, I suggest you beat it."

"That's my Spike," Vedonius said with a condescending tone in his voice. - "Always so
aggressive, just like I created him..."
"Hey!" Spike cried aggressively. - "Don't you patronize me!" He clutched his fist at Vedonius.

"Character Spike will now be dressed in his normal clothes."

"Oh... Thank you," Spike said, realizing he was dressed in his usual black leather jacket and
shirt and jeans to match. He even had a new pack of cigarettes and a flash of vodka in his
pockets. - "Hey, thank you every much, V!" A smile formed on his face.

"There's something I don't understand," Buffy said. Vedonius turned at her. - "If you really
did create us (and I don't believe in a million years that you did), does that mean that
everything that's happened to us the last years has been your doing? I mean, absolutely
everything?"

"Yes, character Buffy."

"Does that mean-- Aw, stop calling me 'character'!-- Does that mean that it was you who...
who killed my mother?"

"Yes, char-- I mean yes, Buffy."

"You bastard..."

"I can bring her back if you want. Do you want her back?"

"Of course I want her back! Who on Earth doesn't want their dead mother back?! But... not
like this! Not like this... It... It just doesn't feel right!"

"But me dressed up as a bloody ballerina feels so damn right?" Spike asked, rolling his eyes.

"Spike, shut up," Buffy said without looking at him. - "Vedonius, if you created us, you must
have some kind of empathy for us. If you've spend that many years developing us and
describing our every move, you must care for us. You're not here to obliterate us, that would
make no sense at all. Would it?"

"I am your creator. I can do what I want with you. I can follow every whim that appears in my
infallible mind."

"Would you really kill us?" Willow asked, her face covered in tears. Tara was also crying.
She, Tara, Spike and Buffy approached Vedonius and his slaves. - "If you kill us, you are just
as bad as the fox you're fleeing from."

"Character Joyce Summers will now appear before you, making out with character Xander
Harris!"

"Screw you!" Buffy cried.

To everyone's surprise (especially Vedonius'), nothing happened. No killed-off character

appeared in an out-of-character embrace with one of Buffy's best friends. The streets were just
as silent as before, the only sounds being Drusilla mocking a bench for lacking animacy.
Vedonius looked flabbergasted around, expecting his Buffyverse to follow his every
command:

"Erm... I repeat: character Joyce Summers will now appear before you, making out with
character Xander Harris!"

That's not going to happen, Vedonius.

"What?!" Vedonius exclaimed, scared to the bone of the almighty voice that seemed to come
from nowhere and everywhere at once. - "Who said that?!"

The only one in this universe who outranks you.

"The Powers That Be at Fox Television?" Vedonius asked.

No. The author of this story, you git. Do you think you can just enter MY universe, messing
around with MY stories?

"B-but these are MY creations! I am the one who made these characters!"

You might be Jahve in the Buffyverse, but right now you and everybody else are guests in MY
universe. That means that I am the one who's in charge. Normally I won't intervene in what's
going on in my stories, but this time it's gone too far.

Everybody stared around them, hoping to catch a glimpse of The Author. Sadly, he was not to
be seen anywhere, as his presence was everywhere at once. Filled with a mixture of fear and
complete surrender, all of them, including Vedonius, knelt on the hot, sun-baked asphalt.

"Please have mercy upon us, Author!" Willow exclaimed, so scared that she was shaking.

Relax, Whedon character Willow Rosenberg. I will not lay My mighty finger upon any of you.
But you, human Joseph Whedon, with you I have an axe to grind. You are an intruder in My
universe. Not only that, you have also broken the fourth wall by telling the characters they
are only characters. Fourth wall violations are a very serious offense in the world of fiction
and carry hefty penalties. You, human Joseph Whedon, are lucky if you get away with a
simple writer's block. They say power corrupts, and, judging by the fact that you think
yourself an emperor and even have slaves...

"We aren't mister Whedon's slaves, Holy One," one of the "slaves" said. - "We're his
assistants."

But you're being taken advantage of in the vilest manner.

"Well, like I said, we're his assistants. Need I say more?"

Oh, well. In that case, human Joseph Whedon, I urge you to leave my story and never return.
Remember that I have just as much power over you like you have over your characters. I
could make fish come out of your nose if I wanted to. Think about that.

"Oh, I am so grateful that you have shown mercy upon me, Holy One!" Vedonius exclaimed.
- "We're leaving right now! You'll never hear from us again!" Just as he was about to enter his
cart, a divine clearing of throat was heard.

Since they're not your slaves, why should they pull the cart on the way home as well?

Vedonius let out a deep sigh, before stepping under the yoke, lifting it up with his shoulders.
Then the cart meandered away from Sunnydale and disappeared into the sunset. Back stood
four awestruck and perplexed Buffyverse characters. Spike lit himself a cigarette and took a
sip from his small bottle of vodka. Willow and Tara gave each other a hug. Buffy stood there
worked up and jittery.

"Well?" Buffy asked. - "What are YOU gonna do to us?"

I am simply going to leave you alone. I now declare that you will not remember anything of
what happened here this afternoon. From now on you are blissfully ignorant of the fact that
you are only the brainchildren of an American genius. I have spoken. Now, Whedon
characters, forget!

The four looked around, confused. They looked at each other and shrugged.

"Do any of you remember us going out here?" Willow asked. Then she looked at Spike. - "Oh
my God! Quickly, you've gotta get inside before you get incinerated!"

"Relax, Will," Spike said with a smile, pointing at the hills. - "The sun just set. I am safe."
Then he took another sip from his bottle.

Right then Drusilla passed by them, to everyone's jaw-dropping surprise. To their even bigger
surprise, she took notice of them, but continued her lunatic dance across the Sunnydale
streets.

"The fourth wall's been mended..." she muttered with her dreamy voice. Not a soul
understood what she was talking about.

The End
Originally published on FanNation 7 March 2010.