You're a fucking nerd.

Boy, you lucky

you even graduating.
- Fuck!
- Oh!
You're good at this, huh?
Yeah.
You're really good at this.
Yeah.
Hey, you want to
be friends?
Yours isn't
loaded, right?
Just touch it.
I'm scared.
Just touch it.
Seriously. All right,
all right, all right.
You took a bullet for me, man.
You shot me
in the dick!
Boom, motherfuckers!
You two sons of bitches
are going to college!
Yin is characterized
as slow, soft, passive
and is associated with
water and femininity.
While, Yang, by contrast,
is fast and solid and...
Man, this is BS.
I thought we were going to actual college,
not online college.
Listening for coded messages
in lectures.
What are
you talking about?
Look around.
This is our city.
What do we want to
be in college for?
You're right.
Partners for life.
At Metro city port,
the tide comes in
at 10:30 A.M.

Then it will
return to the sea.
Metro port.
One hour.
Let's do this.
Surprise.
There's two more arms.
- Shit! That's the ghost.
- The ghost?
Joste nillsen,
biggest trafficker of
illegal goods in Metro city.
He teamed up with
a Mexican cartel
and they're running
all this shit
through the port.
What the hell
are we supposed
to be buying?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
Huh?
I got a new identity
that's gonna be killer.
I'll be throwing it to you
to make it legit.
Okay.
I'm gonna need you
to improvise. Okay?
I don't want to improvise.
I'm gonna need you
to improvise.
I suck at improvising.
I don't want to do it.
I need absolute silence
while I fall into character.
I need absolute silence
while I fall into character.
Can you give me
a head start on...
I need absolute...
I need absolute silence.
Can you please...
Absolute silence.
Are you fucking

serious right now?

All right.
I hate people
who are late.
We're trying to
see that product.
Shit!
Yo, sleepy!
What's up, homie?
You know my cousin,
sad boy.
I think you got
the wrong guy, homes.
Oh, that's bullshit, man!
You sleepy!
Everyone say
in the barrio,
sleepy, he like
the Mexican Wolverine
and shit.
Hey, my partner here,
he want to see
the product.
Why ain't he talking?
My name is Jeff.
That's jeffe, man.
Tell 'em about
mousie's quinceanera, man.
Tell 'em about
that crazy adventure
you guys had.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, man, when you were
telling the story
last night,
you had so much detail!
The detail was so rich!
It was rich detail!
Go into incredibly
descriptive details
of the story,
so we all know.
Oh, yes.
It was Dora and Diego
and swiper.

Swiper?
Who was that you
choked out, man?
He had it coming!
Who was that?
Boots.
No, man, that wasn't boots!
Boots isn't a real name!
You got to tell them
the real story, man.
Start over from the top.
That's a made-up name.
I can't believe the punks
I have to deal with
these days.
It really makes me
miss the '90s,
when we had
professionals around.
You want to
check out the goods?
Check it out.
And shut up. Right?
Where'd you find
this gringo, man?
At the fucking
Mumford & sons concert
and shit?
What is it?
Guns? Drugs?
No! No!
Dude!
It's gross!
It's inking in my mouth!
I'll get it off.
Its tentacle is eating me!
It's so strong!
It's really on there, man.
It's biting my face!
Shit!
Black market exotic animals,
just like we expected
to be in there.
The accents
are gone, huh?
Take them out, guys.

They're cops.
What was that?
I don't know!
I think we're moving.
We're definitely moving!
There's fucking
birds and shit in here!
There's actual shit!
What the fuck?
There's a fucking
dragon in here!
Shit!
What was that?
Dude, that was our car.
We shared so much
in that car!
I'm going to shoot
them in the face for that!
That was our fucking car!
What are you doing?
Don't teen wolf
on the truck!
Don't leave me here alone!
Then get up here!
I can't do that!
Then fucking climb around.
Come on, climb around.
Let's go.
Come on, buddy.
You got it.
This is so scary!
Shoot him!
Don't leave me
out here!
I'm all out.
You stupid moron!
That's it. Come on.
Fucking get up here.
Come on.
Fuck!
All right, you good?
Yeah!
All you got to do
is walk now, okay?
Okay.
Shit!

What the fuck

are you doing?
Get up here!
I can't!
All right, fine,
I guess I'll just
drag you.
I'm gonna die!
You're not gonna die.
Just get the fuck up here!
Pull yourself up here.
Use your core!
You got it, you got it.
Come on, come on.
Yeah!
All right.
Think you can stand
on your own now?
Yes!
I think we lost them.
Shit!
He's the fucking
Terminator!
That's fucking dangerous!
You are under arrest!
Pull the truck over!
I said pull
the fucking truck over
right fucking now!
You owe me a car,
and it'd better be
a fucking Lamborghini,
you bitch!
I did it!
You have the right
to remain silent.
Oh, shit!
Holy Moses!
Shit.
What happened?
I think they got away.
Is that a hickey?
Oh. This was actually
an octopus-related incident.
I'd opened a crate
and the octopus had

leapt onto my face.

Apparently, they have
many, many arms.
They have eight tentacles.
Yes, and...
Look, ladies,
nobody gave a shit about
the jump street reboot
when you first came on.
Anyone with half a brain,
myself included,
thought it was destined
to fail spectacularly.
But you got lucky.
So now this department
has invested
a lot of money to make sure
jump street keeps going.
We've doubled
their budget.
As if spending twice the money
guaranteed twice the profit.
Like that's going
to work.
Yeah. Well,
the commissioner's convinced
this debacle happened
because you weren't
doing the same
undercover student thing
you did the first time.
She doesn't get
that it's always worse
the second time around.
You settle into
worn-out roles.
One gets possessive,
the other runs away.
You begin a slow,
painful unraveling,
as all the good things
that came before
begin to be crushed
by the trash compactor
of sadness.
That doesn't sound like us.

I mean...
I'm getting a divorce.
We don't want to
do the same thing.
We want to burst
through our ceiling.
And you're gonna
find another ceiling
and you got to
bust through that one,
and you just got to
keep hammering ceilings.
Okay, okay, okay.
What if we actually went
into the secret service
and, like, tried to
protect the white house?
I think...
I don't think
that would work.
I'm going to ask you
to stop talking.
I thought it was
a pretty good idea.
Do the same thing
as last time,
everyone's happy.
I can't believe
the Koreans bought
their church back.
Yeah. Good thing
there was an even bigger
abandoned church
directly across
the street.
Yeah. That's convenient.
Yes, it is convenient.
Next year, we'll probably
just be right back
across the street.
Just next door.
Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
We're not ahead
of ourselves.
We're right next

to each other.
This is awesome.
Like, way more expensive
for no reason.
Look at dickson's office.
Looks like
a giant cube of ice.
How you bitches
like jump street now?
Hey!
Y'all see this shit?
is the lick.
And I got
a big-ass raise
to babysit
you two fuckers again.
Designed it myself.
We got an espresso bar.
I'm thinking about
a shark tank over there.
Ooh, I like sharks.
Fuck a 21 jump street,
and fuck a Korean Jesus.
Whoa! Cap, come on,
Korean Jesus
is right there.
That's Vietnamese Jesus.
See,
this a Vietnamese church.
You racist,
sacrilegious sack of shit.
Look at that.
Vietnamese Jesus
just dripping swagoo.
And we got some
new dumb-ass interns.
Hey, hey!
Look alive!
Huh?
Boys.
Yo, jenko.
Hey, Schmidt!
Don't do that.
So, they want
the same shit,
so here we go.

Same identities.
Same assignment.
We're going back
to high school?
Your ass look
like you about 50.
You're going to MC state.
We're going to
college for real?
Somebody's out there,
they're cooking up
a new drug.
It's Adderall mixed
with ecstasy mixed
with God knows what else.
Wipey?
No, you dumb motherfucker.
Whyphy.
Stands for work hard? Yes.
Play hard? Yes.
Now, these kids
take this shit,
and they get laser-focused
for about four hours
of studying,
and then they party
like it's goddamn 1999.
Who's this?
That's Cynthia Watson.
She was a student
at MC state.
She took some whyphy,
got locked out
of her dorm,
ended up
falling off the roof.
And now she's dead.
That's her buying drugs
on campus.
And that's the dealer.
Find him and we find
the supplier.
Sir, can I just say,
it is so refreshing
to have a case
with a black victim.

I mean,
we care so much more
because she's black.
I think what he's
really trying to say
is that we care equally.
It's a tie, really,
how much we care.
Uh... no, we're not.
If it was a white person,
I wouldn't even care.
One less cracker-ass
cracker to worry about.
Why every time
you speak I want to
throw the fuck up?
Infiltrate the dealer,
find the supplier.
You all right?
Yeah.
It's just...
I'm the first person
in my family to pretend
to go to college.
Best part is we get to
do it together.
What's up, college?
What's up, bro?
We're 322.
Fuck high school,
right?
Fuck high school.
Oh, so tight!
Oh, this is so baller!
Beds... oh, shit.
Oh, dope.
That looks like cum.
That's cum.
Okay. All right.
Already got cum on
the mattress, dawg.
Welcome to college.
Fuck, yeah.
Hilarious shirt that
signals we drink alcohol.
Some bacon machine

that my mom got me.

I do not understand
how it works.
It's true.
Super high-tech
police gear.
Carte Blanche with
the budget, motherfucker.
I'm going to veto
that poster.
It's a touch childish.
Okay. What do lambos have to
do with touching children?
Lambos are lame.
I get one choice.
I get one thing
that I'm not...
We have to agree.
You know what I mean?
What up, fellas? We're your
across-the-hall neighbors.
Oh, hey,
there's two of you.
You're twins.
What's up, man?
We're the yangs, man.
Kenny Yang. What's up?
Keith Yang.
What's going on?
What's going on?
Did you say the yangs?
Yeah,
dad's Chinese, man.
Our mom's not Chinese.
She's black.
Oh.
She's like real black.
Like Wesley snipes black.
Exactly.
We're brothers, too.
No. He's not kidding.
He's serious.
Oh, really?
What?
Like, one of
y'all older?

Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, 'cause you got
crow's feet under
your eyes, man.
You specifically.
We're actually just
normal college age.
I mean, even if
you're a little older,
that's cool, man,
because, you know,
girls here love older dudes.
That's true.
Plus, there's mad
fuckable girls here.
Mad fuckable.
Especially
during spring break.
I love spring break.
But I do have to say,
I've fucked
a thousand girls by now
and I don't know,
at the end of the day,
you just kind
of want something
that's just
a little deeper really.
Yeah, balls deeper.
Jinx. Buy me a coke.
Oh, snap, we're still
saying the same thing.
This is amazing!
Carrots. Pumpernickels.
Glow sticks. Twins!
That's dope, dude.
That's so sick.
That's crazy. We have that
brother connection, too.
You ready?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Pirates! Baby feet!
Paper clips! Bananas!
Sun! Anger!
I don't know! Words!
Quicksand!

Shoes!
Boom!
That's hip-hop, man.
Awesome.
That's great.
It's gonna
be super fun.
All right?
Same as last time.
Dude, if it's
like last time,
you're gonna have
an awesome time,
and it's gonna suck for me.
No. You're gonna have
an awesome time, too,
because I'm gonna
make sure of it.
You took a bullet for me.
That's right,
I did, and it sucked,
but I'd do it again.
No way. It's my turn.
I owe you a life debt.
Co-ed bathrooms.
What? Oh, shit.
I'm not
gonna take a shit
the entire time
I'm here.
I know.
Hey.
How you doing?
Hey.
What's up?
'Sup?
Just exhausted from
inventing Facebook
or whatever website
people our age use.
They still
have books?
I thought they just
put the books
inside the computers.
Yeah, I guess the kids

just use the stacks

to hide and have sex.
So we'll go to all
Cynthia's classes
and activities,
ask around
about the drug
and find out
who the dealer is.
Yeah, it's just
like last time.
Exactly like last time.
Dude, in human sexuality,
do you get to fuck
or do you just get
to watch people fuck?
Neither.
What the fuck am I
taking it for, then?
Now, obviously,
we've all heard
this statement before,
I've got a first
impression for you.
Oh, y'all like psychology?
Tracy Morgan.
Nobody?
Work hard,
play hard, am I right?
You looking
for some whyphy?
Yeah, man,
that'd be sick.
Go to the police station,
walk in and ask your captain
to see the evidence room
'cause you're
a fucking narc.
I think you're mistaken.
You're literally
wearing your badge.
Did you really
just check to see
if you were
wearing your badge?
This guy's a fucking cop.

I didn't look down.

Wait, Professor Jacobs,
doesn't history happen
a long time ago?
Well, history happens...
This class is such a gut.
Hey, you guys
play football?
No, this is actually
my laptop.
Yeah, I'm taking
notes right now.
I'm kidding.
It's a football.
Mr. mcquaid?
Covalent bonds.
What has been the result
of the war on drugs?
Why would you ask me?
I'm not a cop.
Because this is
a college seminar,
and that's how
college seminars work.
Professor gets into
a lively conversation
with the student.
Friction creates fire,
and that leads to
lessons learned.
Well, it's definitely
harder to get drugs.
I can personally
tell you that.
The average price
of cocaine
has dropped 70%
in the last 30 years.
Then your dealer's
probably selling you
some pretty stepped-on shit.
Mr. mcquaid, college is
a wonderful place.
This is where
you get to decide
who you actually are,

instead of the person

that you're clearly
pretending to be right now,
which everyone
sees through,
by the way.
You got to decide,
do I just keep
doing the same thing,
or am I gonna
choose a different path
and question
my convictions?
I don't have any
prior convictions.
Why are you
saying this stuff?
That's exactly
the answer I wanted,
Mr. mcquaid!
I want you to question
what I'm saying.
This is the basis
of this whole course,
and that's the beauty
of college.
You can say
whatever you want.
You can be
whatever you want.
I mean, I have tenure.
I can really say
whatever I want.
George Washington
was a black lesbian.
The Eiffel tower
is made of dildos.
They can't fire me.
I'm indestructible.
I'm sleeping with
two of my students.
Her and her.
I actually am.
Now, just like
you did before,
I want you right now

to say whatever you want.

Say whatever you want.
Fieto.
Fieto, not a word,
but I'm gonna accept it.
You can do whatever you want
with your life, Mr. mcquaid.
The only way you can
fail this class
is by not becoming
who you truly are.
Please respond to my text.
Okay,
we got time for just
one more improve game.
For this one,
we need a ton of
different suggestions.
So, we just need you guys
to fill in the blank
in a sentence that
we're gonna set up.
So it'll go like this.
Oh, I'm so hungry,
I wish I had a...
Tampon!
Okay, but we want...
We want it to
be actual food
so that it, like,
makes sense
with the game.
It's more fun that way.
So, uh, let's try it
one more time.
Oh, I've got to get home
so I can feed my...
Boner!
You know what?
Let's just play
the game, okay?
All right,
so what would you...
Hey, that girl's
in my psych class.
Damn, she's hot.

Go talk to her.
You come talk
to her with me.
Stop being a pussy
and go talk to her. Go.
All right, all right.
Coming to the stage,
we got...
J. Bohnes, aka...
Hey.
Hi.
I think we're in
the same psych class.
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Yeah.
Pills! Pills!
Bills! Pills!
Bills! A sign of
the times that rhymes
Amanda Bynes
drop that
raggedy Andy circus
circle jerkus...
You guys are
the improve guys, right?
Yeah.
That's cool.
You're the guy with
the terrible suggestions.
Yeah, yeah.
You're welcome, man.
Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Um, lady J is gonna
be up next for you.
Cynthia,
that girl who died,
she used to come here
all the time, right?
Mmm.
This piece
is called areolas.
Did you know her?
Yeah, she lived
across the hall from me.
Yeah?

So why do you care so much?

I'm... I'm writing a...
Greedy man hands!
...a slam poem
in her honor.
Early stages,
very early stages.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't it be better
just to, like,
plan the stuff out
ahead of time,
and then not say it
in front of people
and embarrass yourself?
That's a thing
that people do.
That's stand-up comedy.
That's probably
what you should do,
because that
stuff's funny.
My brown nipple
will produce white milk
during lactation...
What do you think of this?
I actually think
it's really powerful.
That's cool that
you said that,
'cause I actually thought it
was really powerful, too,
when the one girl
was talking about
her nips and shit.
Okay, does anybody
have anything
they want to share?
Let's see what you got.
Any more poets
in the audience?
I...
I mean, do you
really do poetry?
I do, and I will.

I got somebody.
What?
Okay, we got somebody.
All right, give it up, guys.
Yeah!
Okay.
Just go up there.
All right, okay.
Okay.
No pressure.
You'll see,
it's good.
Yeah!
Um...
This is a work
in progress.
So, uh...
Slam poetry!
Yelling!
Angry!
Waving my hands a lot!
Specific point
of view on things
Cynthia!
Cynthia
Jesus died for
our sin-thee-uhs
Jesus cried
runaway bride
Julia Roberts!
Julia rob
hurts
Cynthia!
Cynthia
you're dead
you are dead
You're dead
that's for Cynthia,
who's dead.
Whoo!
I don't have
a single lead.
I do. I hear you can
get whyphy on campus
anywhere 24/7.
Do you think they mean

whyphy the drug

or WI-Fi like
the Internet?
What...
Fuck you, brain.
How did we find
the dealers so easy
the first time?
Well, his number was
literally on a sticker.
Well, let's go find
this guy's sticker.
I don't think this guy
does stickers.
Well, we need help.
We need to consult
an expert.
Yo, dude, you shot
him in the dick, dude.
I got him
in the dick.
Yep.
Shot him in the dick.
If it isn't
Turner and hooch,
in the flesh.
Holy shit,
you are looking fit.
Hey, you should get
some tips from this guy.
He's looking good.
Look at those
pectoral muscles.
That's the kind of definition
I want out of you, man.
What's up, Eric?
Hey.
Mr. Walters,
we should, um...
Or I should apologize
for, uh...
For shooting
my penis off?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't sweat it, brother.

I'm liberated. Totally.

You know they
gave me a vagina?
It's awesome.
You guys want
to see it?
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no.
That's fine.
All right.
Eric's seen it.
Eric's been all
up in that shit.
Isn't that right, Eric?
You guys got to get me
the fuck out of here.
Hey, guess what.
I'm Eric's bitch.
No, you're not.
Yes! I am!
I'm your bitch.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I didn't mean that.
You know that, right?
I am such a bitch
when aunt Flo shows up.
It bleeds so much,
it's crazy.
It's like
the elevator doors opening
in the shining.
Your vagina doesn't
fucking work, man.
Worked for you
last night.
You are
so clearly forcing Eric
into this relationship.
Eric, am I forcing you
into anything?
Yes.
See?
Look, they sent us
in undercover
at a college

to find the dealer

of this new synthetic,
and no one will
tell us anything.
That's 'cause
you guys look like
fucking narcs, all right?
College kids
aren't dumb like Eric.
I was supposed
to go to Berkeley.
Well,
they gave us a picture,
so we do have that.
Well, that's your lead,
motherfucker!
That's what you start with.
I know,
but we can't see his face,
so we don't know who it is.
We don't know who it is.
I'm Schmidt. My pants
are filled with doody.
That's you.
That doesn't sound
anything like me.
You sort of
sound like that.
That doesn't sound
anything like me.
That doesn't sound
anything like me.
It's not not you.
Eric! Close your eyes
and tell me who's
talking right now.
That's Schmidt
being a little bitch.
That's just not
a good impression.
Whoa!
Nice job, super sleuths.
Did you even
bother to look at
the fucking picture?
Yeah.

Huh?
There's a reflection
right here.
Your fucking guy's
got a tattoo.
Find the tattoo,
find the dealer.
Fuck, man, I don't know.
I do a lot of stupid
tattoos to drunk kids.
Do you remember
that stupid tattoo?
A bazooka?
Think I might have did it
on a football player.
Guy with a red Mohawk.
I don't know.
They all start to
look the same to me.
I think I know exactly
who he's talking about.
Fuck you!
Fuck you,
you little walk-on fuck!
I can't, like, move around
in these things.
God,
I love walk-on day!
Fuck, yeah.
That's a weird time
to be q-tipping.
You're all fucking pussies!
Dude, you don't
have to do this.
What?
I just don't want
you to get hurt.
I'm not gonna get...
Whoops.
Shit. Whoa.
Dude, I am so sorry.
It's all right, man.
Don't worry about it, man.
Are you sure?
All right...
Yeah. Ow.

Shit.
I got it.
Okay, I got it,
I got it.
Ow!
That's fine.
I'll get it.
No, no, let me get it,
let me get it.
No, I got it.
Let me just get it.
No, let me get it.
I got it, I got it.
Let's just...
Dude, I'm sorry.
I got my q-tip
in your meat, bro.
No, man, I got my...
I got my meat
in your q-tip.
It's like a whole
new type of sandwich.
Like, a meat q-tip.
Like a meat-qute.
That's funny.
Hey, you guys want
some of this sandwich?
It's a meat-qute
sandwich.
Me and this guy are
having a meat-qute.
You're hilarious, dude.
What's your name?
Brad. Wait...
Brad.
Uh, yeah, yeah,
it's Brad.
I'm Zook.
Nice to meet you.
Zook.
Nice to meet you,
too, man.
Blue 20!
Blue 20!
Set, hut!
You love walk-on day now?

Your arm all right?

You want to take
that sleeve off?
No, I'm good.
Dude, holy shit, bro.
Great fucking catch, dude.
If you see that
safety line up that deep,
though, hit me quicker.
Oh, yeah, I didn't know
you had wheels
like that, bro.
It's funny, 'cause
he's my brother. So...
Um...
Hey, uh, you know, we have
this rush party at zeta.
But I thought, you know,
you could come by
and meet the guys.
It'd be really fun,
I think.
Great.
Yeah, maybe we will.
Are you guys,
like, together?
Yeah.
Yeah, this is my bro.
That's...
Funny, dude. You're funny.
Oh.
Uh, really?
Wow. Um, okay.
Yeah, man, sure.
You, too, you can come, too.
We'll see what we can do.
Also, I said
a bunch of stuff earlier
that you didn't
acknowledge...
Great catch.
Cool, yeah.
See you then.
So you won't
address that?
What the fuck's up

with that guy?

All we have to do now
is rush the frat
long enough
to confirm that
rooster has that
bazooka tattoo.
Look, man, do you think
it's cool if you come?
'Cause, I mean, he kind of
really just asked me.
I just don't want
to start off
on the wrong foot
with this guy.
Dude, you're tripping.
We do everything together.
You should lose
the puka shells, though.
Things are different
since you didn't
go to college.
Yo, Brad!
What's up, dude?
Same puka, dude.
You got the same...
Puka bros.
Holy shit!
Look at him,
it's, like, all the same.
Dude, you wear pants, too?
What? Bros, man.
Dude.
I knew we were gonna be
connected, just like that.
Yeah, why don't you guys
just tie your dicks together
and get married,
right, rooster?
Rooster. What's up, bro?
You look good, man.
What's up, rooster?
How you doing, man?
Digging the puka.
Thanks, dude. I can't
believe it's the same...

How you doing,

rooster?
Rooster is
getting some pop.
Why don't you
go check him out?
You in the zone, bro?
In the fucking zone,
dude.
Hey. What's up?
What's up? I'm rooster.
Oh, yeah, no.
We've met before.
Oh, really? I don't
remember that at all.
You must just have
a really plain face.
Yeah. They call me
ol' plain face.
They call you that?
So, do you have any body art
or, like, any ink I could see?
That's a pretty
random question.
Hey, anyway, it was so nice
chatting with you, man.
Nice to meet you, man.
Yo, what the fuck, bro?
Yo, what the fuck
are you doing, dude?
You serious
right now?
You...
You're being weird.
You've been weird.
It was just like,
what am I hearing?
What am I hearing
right now?
And the psychic
told you that?
Yo.
That is so crazy, dude.
Hey, dude, you want to
go see the roof?
Fuck yeah, I want to

see the roof, dude.

Come on, let's go,
let's go. Come on.
Come on to the roof,
come on to the roof.
Let's go.
Come on, you can do it.
Come on, come on, come on!
I miss climbing so much.
Come on, let's go. Come on.
All right, uh...
One more time.
I'm just gonna go home.
I don't know parkour, so...
All right.
Hey, Maya Angelou!
Poetry, okay.
I got it.
Make fun
of the poetry major.
So, I guess you have
no interest
in having a real job
in the future.
Absolutely not.
No, right?
What about you?
Um, I'm an art major.
Okay. So you definitely
cannot talk any shit,
'cause...
No, I can't. I cannot.
...you're never gonna
make any money.
I'm never gonna
make any money,
so don't tell
my parents, but...
When I talk to
your parents tonight,
I will not tell them
about your major.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
All right, art major.
What do you

think about that?

Um, I would say that
it's these two beings
leaning up
against each other
in perfect balance.
If one were to fall,
they would just
lose each other.
So it's just
about support.
You can't admit
that it looks
exactly like testicles?
That's exactly
what it looks like.
So, is there someone
who supports you?
No, I'm just
one of those people
that really likes to
spend time with myself.
Tell me about it.
I love to be alone.
I am, like,
the best at it.
I just love when you're
sitting there in a room,
and you're just there
with your thoughts,
and you're like,
oh, my gosh, I'm alone.
Would anyone ever
love me? Or whatever.
And, like, do I know
anyone who would care
if I just ever came out
of this room or not?
Or whatever and, like...
I don't know.
It's just peaceful.
I just like it.
Yeah.
Well, if you don't want
to be alone tonight,
we are gonna go hang out

at the art building,

if you want to come.
Okay, okay.
Okay. Okay.
I expected tonight
would go in a way that
you wouldn't expect,
but what I didn't expect
was tonight would go
in the exact way
that you would expect.
You know what I mean?
Totally.
So you guys
hang out here a lot?
Yeah. I mean,
we're not into the whole
frat party kind of stuff.
We like to sit around,
just drink some good wine
and talk about
some important stuff.
Banging bitches
and getting wasted
all fucking day.
Those are, like, two of
my favorite things to do.
You are, like,
a slightly less
attractive version of...
Picasso?
Picasso.
Right? I've been
told that before.
You read my mind.
What?
Oh, that's
Cynthia Watson's room.
Oh.
It's only 2:00.
I thought it was late.
Do you want to come in?
It's only 2:00?
I usually go to dinner at,
like, 2:00 A.M., so...
Sure, yeah, why not?

I'm gonna do it.

I just got to get it
at the right angle.
- Dude, stop.
- Stupid fucking goalpost!
It's impossible.
You can't fucking do it.
The fans used to
rush the field
after every win
and tear down
the goalposts,
and coach hated it.
And so he cemented
them in.
They storm the field,
and still do it,
but they just
bounce around.
Fuck
this goalpost, bro!
You guys might
want to hold on,
'cause this shit
is coming down.
Yo, what is that?
The tattoo, what's that
right there?
Oh. Oh, this?
Mmm-hmm.
It's my old high school team.
The plainview red herrings.
Look at it swim.
Shit.
What?
Shit, that's a really
outside-of-the-box
high school mascot.
Hold on, guys.
Hey, why don't you
come to practice today?
I mean,
you're obviously good enough
to play on the team.
Look, I'm not
supposed to be here

to play football.
What?
I'm just here to
do my assignments
and get out,
that's it.
I mean, yeah, school's
important or whatever,
but when I was
throwing you those passes,
it was like I knew
where you were gonna be
before you went there.
You know, I had this,
like, vision of me
throwing bullet tds
to you, dude,
and then all these fans
just started going, like...
Zook! Mcquaid!
Zook! Mcquaid!
And they were
chanting and chanting,
and then
the goalposts came down.
Dude?
I have had that exact vision,
like, my entire life.
Dude.
Dude.
Bro?
Bro.
Dude.
Bro.
Dude.
Like, well,
we fucking can, bro.
All you gotta do
is join the team.
Yeah. Why not?
Yes!
Fuck yeah, dude.
Fuck yeah, dude.
What's that?
My tattoo.
Yeah, fuck, look.

Look, it's me, Zook.

Got a fucking
bazooka for an arm.
Know what I mean?
Dude,
I'm so fucking pumped
you're gonna be on
this fucking team, bro.
Yep.
What's up with it?
How you doing?
Hi. Good.
How was the, um...
How was the sex for you?
It was fun for me.
It was a good time.
Yeah, right.
I enjoyed it.
Yeah.
This is why
I don't drink.
Oh.
Hey. How you doing?
I'm fine.
I mean, I'm not
listening to you guys
fornicate all night long.
Thrusting and pumping.
Okay.
I thought your hip
popped out at one point.
I'm just saying, it's,
like, all fun and games,
and then you wake up
in bed next to
a 40-year-old freshman.
I'm 19, so...
Nineteen minutes late
to pinochle,
where you're meeting
your old friends
in the park?
Yeah,
that's what I meant.
Oh, my gosh,
Maya, look at him.

He's still so sharp.

That's so inspiring.
Tell us about the war,
any one of them.
You're, like,
the loudest climaxer
I've ever heard.
It was, like,
the sound of, like,
a 30-year-old sprinkler
finally going off
for the first time.
Okay, well, so lovely
talking with you.
You're a lovely person.
Hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God.
She seems nice.
She's horrible.
God.
She was Cynthia's roommate,
and I felt bad for her,
so I told her I would
room with her.
So...
So you probably
have a bunch of stuff
that you have to do today.
Right?
No.
Oh. Okay.
Look, I just
want you to know
I'm not, like,
a hit it and quit it
type of fella.
I'm, like, a hit it,
continue to hit it both
physically and emotionally
kind of guy, so...
Hey, Doug, you're not gonna be
weird about this, are you?
No.
I mean, you're cool
with just hooking up?

Yeah. I mean, no.

I mean, I'm glad
you said something.
'Cause I don't even know
if I like you when I'm sober.
No, I know,
and it's like,
that doesn't even hurt,
like, at all.
Okay, so, um...
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna split.
I'll text you later.
Great, that was great sex.
You're good at it.
And I'll text you,
three to five minutes
or something?
All right.
What the fuck is this?
This is bullshit.
Are you two
fucking around
at school again?
Hey, we got to
pay for this shit.
We need results!
No, no, no.
Look, we are
looking aggressively
for this very
specific tattoo.
Or the tattoo could
just be a dead end.
What the fuck?
It's the same case!
Do the same thing.
Well, it's not exactly
the same case, 'cause
one of us
got laid last night.
Schmidt?
Shh.
Don't wake up my dick.
Flew in on the red-eye,
hasn't gotten

a wink of sleep.
Damn.
We're talking missionary.
We're talking missionary.
We're talking
when I'm on top
and she's on her back.
She's smart,
she's an art major.
She can't be that smart.
She's a fucking art major.
Come on.
I will give you
some daps, Schmidt.
Give me some
motherfucking daps, man!
Come on,
give me some.
Give me some.
Come on!
My human sexuality class
is blowing my mind.
Did you know
I used gay slurs
in high school?
Yes, directed at me.
Dude, I am so sorry
for being a homophone.
Are we gonna talk about
how weird you were
today with Dickson?
Look, I don't think
the tattoo means
what you think it means.
I mean, for all we know,
a lot of people
could have that tattoo.
This tattoo?
This absurdly
specific tattoo?
Name one other person
who has this.
For starters,
Zook has it.
Zook has the tattoo?
What the fuck?

We've been looking for

this tattoo for days!
Do you understand
this means Zook
is the dealer?
I really want
you guys to hang out.
We have hung out.
He's completely
ignored me.
I'm sorry,
but we're gonna have to
investigate your new bff.
We're gonna put
cameras everywhere,
and we're gonna monitor
the fuck out of
what he's doing.
We can't just walk
into zeta house
and just put up a bunch of
fucking cameras, okay?
There's dudes
there everywhere.
All right, your plan
is stupid. I'm sorry.
My plan is stupid?
That's interesting.
What... okay.
I'm, like,
basically done
fucking watching your shit
all the fucking time.
Okay, yeah, exactly.
I'm the fucking
stupid one. Yeah.
Oh, that's really
fucking stupid.
Man, it must be hard
being so different.
We're exactly the same.
It makes everything
so much easier.
Guys, can you just
give us some space?
We're really trying to

figure something out,

and we need
to focus, okay?
You're not gonna have
trouble focusing, man.
Yeah, man,
those krispie treats
got mad whyphy in them.
We made a batch
for the whole dorm, man.
I've eaten six of these.
Then you're gonna
be real focused.
Be real focused.
In about four hours,
you're gonna be tripping.
You're fine.
You're gonna be
all right, man.
Who sold you whyphy?
Nobody sold it to us.
Yeah, man, Cynthia
gave us a butt load,
and in exchange,
we wrote her
logic paper for her.
All right.
All right, man,
we'll see you guys later.
Enjoy the food.
Maybe this is
a good thing.
Let's use that focus
to figure out a way to
get into zook's house.
You feel anything?
No. Do you feel anything?
No, but I have a super
high tolerance for...
I'm so focused.
I'm so focused, too.
You don't have to
be on top of me.
Yes, I do.
Why?
Camouflage.

Go.
Let's go.
No fucking way.
Okay, so no?
Dane? All right.
Out, all right.
Bull's-eye.
Bingo.
That helmet
looks kind of lame.
You know
what's not lame?
Safety.
What are you doing?
I'm cutting glass.
It's a laser pointer.
It can't cut glass.
What?
That's no fun at all.
I'm so focused.
Let's do this.
I'm so focused.
Let's do this.
Give me another.
I don't have
any more cameras.
You don't need to
drill so many holes.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, that one's perfect.
Okay, you can do that one.
I don't have
any more cameras.
I've said it five times.
All right. Okay.
That's the last of 'em.
Time to prove that
zook's the dealer.
Or not the dealer.
Next up is Brad mcquaid.
Right? Yes.
Yes!
Obviously, right?
I mean, the guy's...
The guy's all-time.
You guys, let's be honest.

I mean, like, he was

opening up beer cans
with his eyeballs.
That's so sweet of them.
So Brad... Brad's in.
Uh, Doug mcquaid.
No!
He's a bag of dicks!
He's Brad's brother.
He follows him
around everywhere,
so I doubt we get
Brad without Doug.
That's not true.
I have a serious
girlfriend.
I got a bad feeling
about this guy, dude.
Why? Why?
I was talking to him
for a second.
He's got a big mouth,
okay?
I feel like he could fuck
this whole thing up for us.
See, you're fucking this up.
You talk way too much.
That guy is harmless, dude.
Look at him, he's nice.
He looks like
a 30-year-old
eighth grader.
He's gonna be fine.
I'm just saying,
the kid sucks.
Okay, and Brad.
Brad could be,
like, our guy.
He could, like,
be a part of our thing.
Our thing?
Yeah.
Shh. I'm trying to hear
them be nice about me.
This is fucking
bullshit. Shit!

Shit.
Is somebody up there?
Shit.
We got to
get out of here.
Did you lock the door?
I did, man.
I checked twice.
Go, go!
I'm so focused, dude.
Shit.
No, you're just paranoid
because we're about
to trip balls.
No, I'm paranoid
because it could
be dangerous.
No, we're fine.
Look, we made it.
We made it.
It's all good.
Oh, shit!
Help! Help!
What's happening!
What the fuck?
I can't breathe.
They made us!
They're gonna kill us!
Jenko!
Where are you going?
Oh, fuck!
I'm having a bad trip!
We're having a bad trip!
I think
we are tripping, but...
God, isn't this great?
My side's so much
scarier than yours.
Oh, shit,
your trip sucks.
You should come over here.
It's way better.
Okay.
It's some kind of
weird split screen!
Hello, football.

Jenko! Jenko!
I finally got
my lambo!
Hey, Schmidt, look!
Look! Look!
My legs are tired.
Help! No more music!
You'll always be alone.
Hey, jenko.
What?
Where are you going?
I'm just gonna go up
for a little while, okay?
Stay, stay here.
No, I don't want to
stay here. I'm flying.
This is amazing.
No. God. Don't go!
Oh, my God.
No!
Stay here!
No, no, stop it.
You're dragging me down!
Why would you drag me down?
Please stay!
I'm flying.
Stay!
Wake up!
Get out of the car!
Shit.
Get out of the car!
Get on the ground!
On your fucking knees!
Get on your knees!
You already know,
don't you?
What?
Do you have
anything to say?
Please don't kill us.
If you don't have
anything to fucking say,
open your fucking mouth.
What the fuck?
Is that vodka?
Welcome to zeta,

pledges!
Yeah, buddy!
Pledges, tonight,
we separate the weak
from the strong.
If you don't make it
through tonight,
you're dead to all of us.
Rooster,
light the torch!
For zeta!
- Drink, motherfucker!
- Drink, motherfucker!
Drink, motherfucker!
Drink, motherfucker!
Look,
whatever happens tonight,
you have to keep up, okay?
I'm gonna throw up.
I know. Shut up. Go.
Ready? Go!
Here we go,
here we go.
One, two, three,
four, five...
I can't do it anymore!
I can't do it anymore!
Twenty's the record!
Thirty-three, 34...
...67...
You can do this,
you can do this.
I can't.
This is disgusting.
No, you got to.
I can't do this anymore!
And now,
for my favorite event.
Fuck this.
I'm not doing this.
I'm not doing it.
What are... no!
I'm not doing this,
okay? All right?
Hey!
Schmidt!

What the fuck, man?

What is your problem?
You said you wanted
to stick together.
This is what we have to do
to win their trust.
This is supposed to be fun.
It's just drinking
and bonding games.
It's fun.
It's fun for you.
It's not fun for me.
I don't know.
Maybe we should just...
Maybe we should
just investigate
different people.
Did you really
just say that?
Did you really just say
that you want to
investigate other people?
That's what you want?
I don't know, maybe.
Maybe we should just...
We should just branch out.
Okay, just sow
our oats a little.
Sow our cop oats.
Look, I have
an in with Zook.
We have a thing
and it's good, and...
I don't know,
maybe I should just
stay closer to him.
And you should
do your thing
with your connections
and channels
with Cynthia's roommate.
You should see if she knows
who sold her drugs.
I just...
I just don't...
I don't like the idea

of us doing stuff separately.

No, look, we can
still investigate
together.
It's just, you know,
now it'll be an open thing.
You want
an open investigation?
I don't know if
that's what I want.
All right? I just think
it's healthy right now
for us to try it.
Okay.
Yeah?
Sure.
Okay, so I guess
I'll just catch
you later, then.
You okay?
No, you can't
hug me right now.
Do you need money
for a cab or anything?
No, I don't need money
for a cab.
Okay.
I don't know where
the fuck I am right now.
Hey, Lauren.
I just want to get in bed
and watch friends all day.
Let's hear it
for your metropolitan
city state statesmen!
And the statesmen
take the field
for the opening game
against the university
of college generals.
Ready?
And a surprise
start today
for walk-on freshman
Brad mcquaid.
Looks pretty old

to be a freshman.
It's the hormones
in the milk, Bob.
Ready? Set, hut!
Haythe drops back.
And connects
with mcquaid!
Who beats safety
will glock like an egg white
in my famous meringue recipe.
Holy shit, he's good.
None of you tell mcquaid
that he's good, all right?
If you do, he'll leave
this shitty program.
And as the clock
ticks down, we've got time
for one last play.
Another perfect hookup
between haythe and mcquaid.
Even their
end zone celebration
is in perfect sync.
It's like these two
share a single brain, Bob.
That's right, Jim.
They both have
one half a brain.
And the crowd
rushes the field
to try and knock down
a goalpost.
It's not coming down!
Good luck, guys.
Looks like mc state's
got a new power couple.
Zook and mcquaid!
I got to get
around you, man.
I can't jump up.
I got a broken ankle.
Yeah!
Fuck yes!
Yeah!
One more!
Shit.

Who is that?
Nothing.
All right, ready?
Come on!
Focus!
Come on!
Do it!
Fuck you,
Arnold Schwarzenegger!
I'm so jammed!
Fuck you!
There's a sock on the door!
Don't come in!
Fuck, yeah!
I'm having sex
with a human woman.
My God! Fuck!
Hey!
Look at you!
What are you guys
doing here?
What? Are you kidding?
It's parents weekend.
Fuck.
Wonderful.
You're dating someone.
Thanks, mom. Listen,
we're undercover, okay?
Thank you.
No problem.
Doug!
Maya!
Hey.
Hi.
These are my parents.
So this is the girl?
Hi. I'm Annie. I'm your
new mother-in-law.
Nice to meet you.
Worst thing to say.
Hi.
Hey. David.
My dad.
Nice to meet you.
Well, my parents
are here, too.

Maya, hurry up!

Your mama done
found a table she want.
How do you
know this person?
Dad, this is Doug,
a guy that I'm dating.
The fuck?
I...
How's your classes
going, Doug?
You... we were just in
the neighborhood, and...
I have an idea.
Why don't we all
sit together?
Would that be fun?
Yes, thank you.
So...
Do you like weather?
You two know
each other?
No.
This is crazy,
all these, uh,
students and parents.
Potential witnesses.
How did you two meet?
Oh, I love
meet-cute stories.
We met at
a poetry slam,
and then he stalked me
back to my dorm room.
Stalked her?
Oh, that's so beautiful.
Then what happened?
And then we hung out
and we watched a movie.
Actually,
we watched it
a couple times.
This is bullshit!
This fucking... waiter!
What can a black man do
to get some water

around here?
Give the fucking guy
some water!
He's black!
He's been through a lot!
For the sake
of your daughter,
please keep it together.
I'm gonna need
a motherfucking crepe
before I go crazy.
I'll be right back.
So, where are you
from originally?
I'm straight
outta Compton,
but my husband's
from northridge.
Come on, man,
hook me up.
What the fuck y'all doing?
Y'all rationing around here?
Come on, hook me up.
Two little fucking
string beans?
Give me the goddamn
string beans.
I want some
fucking deviled eggs.
I like fruit.
Don't you like fruit?
I like fruit.
But this pork shit?
Got to go!
He's really taking it out
on the omelet bar.
Shit was nasty!
He's under a lot
of pressure at work.
What's up, playa?
Want to go
to the movies?
I'll break your
motherfucking legs!
Break your legs!
What?

How you doing, Mr. nice plant?

Get your fucking ass in there.
Hey, you want another beer?
I'm gonna get another beer.
Yeah, yeah,
I'll do another.
Hey, look, man,
you know you can
always tell me something
if you want to get
it off your chest.
You know I'm always
here for you, right?
What are you trying to say?
No, nothing.
All right, with everything
that happened
with Cynthia and whyphy,
I just don't want you
to screw up.
You don't think I know
what I'm doing?
What?
I know exactly
what I'm doing here.
I'm gonna tell you
something, all right?
Can I trust you?
Yeah, of course.
I have a friend who
knows a guy at umc.
He's a scout. It's d-I.
Their qb,
he's not playing well.
They're not happy
with the situation.
They want me
to make a tape.
And I want you to
be on it with me.
Nothing else?
They had five guys in
the draft last year.
I mean, Brad,
this could be our shot.
We're like

the dynamic duo, bro.

We're like
Batman and Robin.
But we're both Batman.
What do you want to be,
like, a stockbroker?
Or a cop?
Dude,
your ceiling is, like,
so high.
You can just
bust right...
Just break
right through it.
Right through it.
Right through it.
Right through it.
You really think
I could make it at umc?
Dude, you could make it
into the hall of fame.
No, dude,
come on, that's you.
You're gonna be in,
like, the anals of
football history.
Dude, you could make it
into the anals of
football history, too.
We're gonna have to
tear those anals up.
All right.
We're gonna
fucking tear it up.
I mean,
it's just a tape, right?
I fucking hate
my dad so much.
Do you have any idea
what it's like to
have a guy like that
telling you what
to do all the time?
I can only imagine.
I just don't understand
what his problem is

with you specifically.

I don't... Jesus.
That makes no sense to me.
I mean, you are
a perfectly good guy.
You're very honest
and nice.
Why does my dad
have your phone number?
I don't know.
Maybe the school
directory or something.
Let's do something...
Let's do something
that would distract us.
Okay.
So we don't have to think
about him anymore.
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
All right. Um...
Maya.
Is it okay
if we just talk?
Okay.
Let's talk.
No way.
Yeah.
I was Peter Pan,
but then I was,
like, late.
You're really close
with your brother, then.
It seems like.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know...
You're a fucking
genius, dude.
Are you sure it's
not too much, though?
No!
Yeah!
Fuck, yeah!
All right? All right?
Yeah. Yeah.
All night, bro.
Come on. All night.

Yeah, I know.
It's gonna be
so worth it, dude.
It's gonna be
fucking worth it,
I promise, all right?
Dude, you know
what this needs?
Another star wipe.
Jinx. Buy me a beer.
Nice twist.
On what?
I can't believe we've
been talking all night.
Oh, my God, it's 8:00.
I have class, actually.
Okay.
I...
Yeah, you can help yourself
to whatever you need, and...
All right.
Yeah, I'm so sorry,
this...
I'll see you.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
Best night ever.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
How long
have you been there?
Like, the longest amount
of time you could think of
right now.
This stuff
wasn't meant for you.
It was meant
to be private.
So, am I supposed
to just sit here
and not act like
I hear every one
of your problems?
You got 99 problems,
but being young isn't one.
You're just jealous

because Maya and I

have a real connection.
I'm pretty close
with my grandpa, too.
You're more messed up
than Cynthia was,
and she went to
the school shrink
three times a week.
Why?
I don't know.
But he gave her
a ton of pills
and shit.
Maybe he could
give you something
for your weird old face.
Okay.
Hey.
You're late.
No, actually,
I was busy with
the investigation.
This is Cynthia's
therapist's office.
This is our investigation.
All right.
Watch the door.
Oh, is that all I'm good for?
Just watching a fucking door?
Got it.
Patient exhibits
drug-induced paranoia.
Believes her
life is in danger.
Uh, door, door.
Hey.
I wasn't told that I had
a 9:00 A.M. session.
Yeah, no,
we're your 9:00 A.M.
that's us.
And we're cured.
Thank you very much.
You're an amazing doctor.
Please. You think

you're the first partners

only to try to run
when you're first faced
with talking with me?
How the fuck did you know
we were partners?
He doesn't know
we're partners.
I suspect
you're partners.
A relationship is something
that requires constant work.
Which is what I thought
we learned in high school.
So you are
high school sweethearts.
I picked up
on that early.
Please,
continue the dialogue.
Doc.
I just feel
like sometimes
he's not even
trying anymore.
Like this isn't
even worth saving.
Oh, okay.
Well, sometimes
I feel like
that we should be
more like the yangs.
Or maybe I should be more
like your beautiful zook.
Oh, go fuck yourself!
You go fuck yourself.
Okay.
You're so selfish.
All right.
That's a lot of fucking.
Oh, my God.
Sometimes I like to
have the participants
make physical contact.
Why don't you hold hands?
Okay.

I'm not doing that.

Hmm?
Do you see?
Reach out your hand.
I'm...
He's literally
reaching out for you.
He won't hold my hand.
I'm not doing it.
I kind of
need you to do it.
He won't hold my hand.
Oh, you...
You got to
interlock it, though.
If you don't interlock it,
it's not hand-holding.
Fine.
We might as well
just be friends
and not partners.
Nice, right?
Okay, you see this?
This is strong.
What I want to be
able to have is this.
Is this...
I want to be
able to have that,
that same thing, in, like
without actually
having to do it.
Are you embarrassed
of your partner?
No, not at all. Okay?
And why the fuck
are you guys
ganging up on me?
Gang up on him.
Okay, seriously.
Okay, okay.
He's clingy.
He literally is terrified
of being by himself.
Look, I know
zook's your buddy

and you don't

want him to be guilty,
but he's our guy.
No, he's actually
not our guy.
I would know.
Now, you know,
we sometimes cling to things
because they're
familiar and comfortable.
I teach about
a principle called embedding.
Look at the facts.
Matter of fact, I...
Zook has the tattoo.
He knew Cynthia.
I know the first time
he met you,
you dropped a fucking
sandwich on his foot
and he smiled at you,
but you are completely
blind to the fact...
What'd you say
embedding was?
Embedding?
Oh, embedding
is our tendency
to latch on to
the first bit
of information
that we're offered
and overlooking,
or even ignoring,
contradictory information.
It's a fascinating
principle...
Shut up. I'm thinking.
You think
it's possible that
we embedded?
What, like when we were
drunk or something?
We embedded
each other?
Okay. I'm gonna recommend...

Okay, you can

leave the room.
Just get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out.
You heard him.
This took a turn.
One, two...
- Okay. Yep.
- Good session.
The first time
we saw the photo
of Cynthia buying whyphy,
dickson said,
this guy's the dealer.
Everything we've done
and thought has been
based on that fact,
but what if
dickson was wrong?
And we've ignored
all the other clues.
What if Cynthia
wasn't the buyer?
What if Cynthia
was the dealer?
Captain, we have something
really, really important
to tell you about.
Captain?
Are you wearing kevlar?
Now, gentlemen,
we're not gonna
sit here and pretend
there's not a big-ass
elephant in the room.
What the fuck
is going on?
This is what
the fuck is going on.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! No!
That is not happening
right now! No!
Hey, y'all, he's fucking
the captain's daughter! Yo!
Every time he say

that shit...
Oh, my fuck!
...that's another
foot in your ass.
Schmidt, you clearly...
Yo, this is
the best thing ever!
Schmidt fucked
the captain's daughter!
Schmidt fucked
the captain's daughter!
Schmidt fucked
the captain's daughter!
Shit! Fuck!
You fucked
captain dickson's daughter?
Captain, what the...
You bragged to him
to his face.
To his actual face.
Captain...
Do you understand that
this face right here,
you bragged to that face?
You actually
high-fived schmidt
for fucking your daughter.
Holy shit!
Oh, my God! This is...
It's really not
that funny.
I just want to say that
it was bizarre not
to share the fact
that your daughter
went to mc state.
I think it's bizarre
that I haven't cut your
motherfucking nuts off.
What if captain gets to
punch you in the face
one time,
really, really,
really hard?
Nah.
I got something

way better than that.

You think Cynthia
was the dealer?
How the fuck we gonna
infiltrate the dealer
if the dealer is dead?
We have to
stop treating this
like it's exactly
the same as last time.
And we got a bigger problem.
No more money in the budget.
What? I thought
we had Cate blanchett.
Cate blanchett?
Yeah, I thought we
had Cate blanchett
with the budget.
You mean
carte blanche.
That one.
Welcome back, dum-dum.
We did have carte blanche.
Not no more.
You got
that expensive chase
in the beginning,
that expensive equipment,
this fucking office...
This look like some shit
iron man would have.
Shit's expensive!
I got on $800 shoes,
and you can't even
see the motherfuckers.
So now you two motherfuckers
is in the crosshairs.
I'm warning you,
find the supplier,
but don't cost
the department
no more money.
Look, I apologize
about the zook thing.
You were right,
he's not the dealer.

Okay, great.
You apologized.
What's that worth, man?
Now we have no leads.
What are we supposed
to do now?
Police work.
Fuck.
Don't throw a fucking
dead person's dildo at me.
We're at work
right now, okay?
Kids don't check out
books anymore, right?
I don't even think
they know how to read.
Library.
Book place.
Library.
The supplier
is putting drugs
inside the books
in the library,
where literally no one
goes anymore, man.
And the dealers
check out the books.
We're going to
catch the supplier.
Do you realize
how cool...
Wait, one sec, one sec.
What's up, dude?
Hey, dude,
where are you?
We're warming up.
The game's about to start.
All right, man.
Um, look, I'm just gonna...
I'm coming.
All right, later.
What are you doing?
Don't leave me hanging.
Dude, I got to go or
I'm gonna blow my cover,
okay?

You can do this alone.

I'll be back in two hours.
You got this.
You scared me.
State name! Number!
State name! Number!
Color! Color! Number!
This is the place.
You'd think if somebody
wants to show us
their operation,
they'd at least
be on time.
Look at this crap. Huh?
I do miss the days...
Shit.
What's he doing here?
...When people
did normal drugs.
What is this?
Jelly beans?
Crap!
Set, hut!
Mcquaid crosses
in an end-around.
It's a trick play!
These two are
practically interchangeable.
Mcquaid throws down
the field to haythe.
And he hangs on
for the touchdown!
These two are
peas in a pod, Bob,
but instead of
little green balls,
they are human
football players.
Let's hear it
once again, mc state,
for your dynamic duo.
Oh, shit. My brother
needs me again.
Look, you know,
loyalty's cool,
and I admire it,

and I know
he's your brother.
But you can't
allow yourself to be
held down by a guy
just because
he won't let go.
Yeah. Um...
I gotta take a piss.
The kid's pretty rude
to make us wait like this.
Can you shut it?
What's wrong with
those classic drugs
from the '90s?
Heroin,
you know, cocaine...
Hey, hey.
Whoa. Shit.
I'm fucking here.
You happy?
Shh!
The ghost is
right there, okay?
He's about to meet up
with the supplier.
- Hey. Check that out.
- You shush.
You're the one
fucking talking.
You're being so fucking loud.
You shut the fuck up.
- What's going on here?
- Shit!
Um...
You're interrupting
a really stellar blow job.
Oh, fuck,
I just came so hard!
What the hell
is going on?
It's okay. It's just
a couple of faggots.
Hey, yo, what the fuck
did you just say?
Did you just

call us faggots?
He said you were
sucking his dick.
It's 2014, asshole.
You can't
fucking use faggot.
Gay is okay.
Homosexual, maybe.
And if you know the person,
you might be able to
call them a queer.
If they have a great
sense of humor,
but I don't.
I'm sorry, he took one
human sexuality class,
he thinks
he's Harvey milk.
Oh, my God.
Will you please,
just for once,
just back me up?
Why can't you just
use your head for once?
Oh. You want me
to use my head? Fine.
Oh, yeah,
what's up now,
motherfuckers?
You remember me?
I'm your best night...
I'm your worst nightmare.
Oh, man,
it's my memory.
It's getting worse lately.
Are you the police?
Yeah, that's right.
And you motherfuckers
are all under arrest.
Where's your gun?
What?
Do you have guns?
No.
No, I don't.
'Cause we have guns.
Well, why don't you

put your guns down,

and let's fight like men?
Because we have guns.
Schmidt, run!
Get him!
Go! Go, go.
Go!
Shit!
How hard
can it be? Shoot them!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Shoot them! Shoot them!
Come on, this way,
it's faster.
No, just come this...
Schmidt! Schmidt!
Hurry up, okay?
Schmidt,
will you hurry up!
Stop yelling at me!
You're distracting me!
Schmidt, come on!
Let's go!
I can't jump down!
I'm not, like,
fucking spider-man!
I'm gonna get the car.
Stairs are
so much faster.
That's the car you got?
I'm sorry it's
not a fucking lambo.
Shut up and get in.
Are they even
still chasing us?
Yes, they're
still chasing us!
Why did you do that?
We were about to
catch the supplier.
What's wrong with you?
Look, if you don't
say something,
people will never
stop discriminating.
Will you please

do something
about how slow
this thing's going?
Oh, shit!
Watch out, watch out!
That is just like
a little helmet machine.
We can't destroy
any more stuff!
We can't waste any more
of the department's money!
Watch out for
that cash machine!
Whoo!
Which way?
Which way? Which way?
Whichever way's cheaper!
Right? You went right?
You could've gone
in a parking lot,
you went to
the sculpture garden?
Do you know how expensive
that's gonna be?
Shit!
It's like they're
trying to hit 'em
or something.
I mean, it looks cool,
but, I mean,
it's just so wasteful.
They're
destroying everything!
Captain's gonna kill us!
What are we gonna do?
All right,
we're gonna lose 'em
in the robotics lab.
What?
Oh, no!
Oh, we broke everything!
There was a lot of
expensive stuff in there!
Oh, shit!
They're going
into the stadium!

Listen, schmidt,
I gotta tell you something.
I got offered a scholarship
to play football
here next year.
And zook said I could
room with him, you know,
so I was thinking that
I could do that, maybe.
What? You can't be a cop
and stay here
and play football
with zook.
No, look, I know, okay?
It's just...
There's no friction
with me and zook.
We're the same.
Do you want out?
If you want out, just say it.
No, I don't want out, okay?
It's just, when I'm
on the football field
and I'm diving for a pass,
I feel like I can fly.
All right?
And when I'm with you,
it just feels like
you hold me down.
I just wish you
could fly with me.
And the statesmen
win, 34-14.
And there go
the fans onto the field.
Jenko!
Jesus Christ!
Dude, the brakes
are out.
What?
Get the fuck
out of the way!
You gotta jump.
You gotta jump,
jump, jump!
No.

Fuck!
Let's go, boss.
We gotta go.
You did it! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
You're under
arrest, sir.
Hey, I'm an officer,
all right?
Just take me in.
I'll explain later.
No, no, no.
Hey, he's a student.
He didn't do anything.
Wait, wait.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I, um...
I decided for you.
Just stick with football.
I can't give you
the same feeling
that these guys can.
Maybe we were
only supposed
to do this once.
What?
Dude, this is
the fucking best
moment of my life!
Let's go, man!
Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Mcquaid!
Hey, Maya angelou.
Thanks for lying to me.
Aw.
Lam-bros! Yes!
Brad mcquaid!
Brad mcquaid!
Brad mcquaid! Brad...
How are we doing
tonight, sir?
Good, thanks.
Are we waiting
on anybody or
you dining alone?
Someone may swing by,

but we can...
We can order
without them.
We have identified
and arrested one
Dr. Karl Murphy,
who was found with
whyphy residue
throughout his office...
...and had a close
personal relationship
with the deceased.
Exactly like a case
we had recently at
a high school.
Exactly the same.
The case is closed.
You know, like, what
you're gonna do after
you're out of here?
You're not supposed
to throw rocks.
What?
You're not supposed
to throw rocks.
The lobster for one person.
Enough for one person only.
I found something in
this whyphy case that
caught my attention.
Get the fuck out
of my office.
Sir, you don't...
We caught the guy.
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, you want to do
anything else other than
work out today?
Like what?
Come on, dude.
They're just
lobsters, dude.
Come on.
No, don't be afraid.
It's gonna claw your face.
It's gonna claw your face.

It's gonna be like

this, dude, for the
rest of our lives.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Just came to see
how you are.
I'm doing fucking great.
I'm the happiest
I've ever been,
so I'm just having
a great time with myself.
I'm glad you're
having a good time
with yourself.
I'm a solo artist now,
like Beyonce.
I used to have the
other destiny's children,
but now I'm just, uh,
a lone superstar.
Happy for you.
Just a light-skinned
princess with a dream
and an amazing voice.
That's great.
How are you?
I'm pretty great.
I just chill and...
You know how
chill zook is.
Zook's such a chill guy.
Just like ice.
That makes me
so happy for you.
So, look, I just
wanted to say that, like,
I was thinking
about the case,
and I was worried
that they got
the wrong guy for it.
I don't think
he's the guy, either.
Yeah?

I looked into
the ghost's background,
and I saw that
he pays tuition for
a student at mc state.
You think
the ghost could be
the supplier's dad?
Maybe.
Okay, that's
a pretty good piece
of information.
Thank you.
Well, I heard whyphy's
coming back in a big way.
Someone's bringing
a shit-ton of that stuff
down to puerto, Mexico,
for spring break.
And if that happens,
whyphy is going viral.
It's gonna be
at every college
in the country.
I think my information
was stronger.
Look, if you...
If you want to,
we could go down there.
Like together?
We don't have to
put a label on it.
Just, like, one-time.
One-time thing.
No big commitment or
stress to each other.
What about school
and football and
your wonderful new life?
I have time off.
I'm on spring break.
Cool tingling.
Got room for one
of these babies.
A grenade.
Why you gonna

put it there?
That's just unsanitary.
Feels right.
Missed a spot.
You know this is just
a one-time thing, right?
I know.
So you're not gonna
be weird about this?
Okay.
Perfect.
Spring break,
motherfucker.
Did you not see that
I was going first?
Excuse you.
Excuse you.
You want to go first?
Spring break,
motherfuckers!
Hey.
My gosh! I'm sweaty.
You guys are actually
eating stuff in here?
That's so crazy.
Come on, man,
put your dick away.
Put your fucking
dick away.
Upstairs, upstairs.
Let's go.
Okay,
so here's the plan.
We're gonna get all these
kids at spring break
hooked on whyphy.
Then you're gonna
bring it back
to your turf,
and you're gonna sell
the shit out of it.
Sell shit out of it.
Do you see that?
And if you rat me out,
I framed my psych prof just
for giving me a b-minus.

He's in jail now,

so don't fuck with me.
We're gonna build
a nationwide network.
What? What the fuck
are you doing?
Be quiet.
Why don't you sell
those old classic drugs
from the '90s,
like cocaine,
heroin and...
Dad, those are, like,
old-people drugs.
That's, like, what they
did on the golden girls.
Like, blanche did heroin.
All right,
I'll just sit here
and be silent.
Blanche never did heroin.
Okay, so, yangs,
you'll take my
dead roommate's spot.
Cool.
Dope.
Are you kidding me, yangs?
Are you fucking high?
Of course.
Yeah, I am.
Jesus Christ,
have you ever heard of,
don't get high on
your own supply?
We didn't.
Nah.
I didn't do that.
Yeah, I used his
and he used mine.
Okay, well, now I have
to make a fucking
example out of you.
That's a gun.
Yeah.
Who first?
You want to go first?

I don't want to die.

You die...
I don't want to die.
You want to do
rock paper scissors?
Rock paper scissors?
That's how we'll do it.
That's how we'll do it.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Yeah, we won't
figure this out.
- I'll shoot both of you.
- Darling.
If you're going into
the family business,
you will have to
have a clean record.
That's why we have
these guys to do it for us.
Oh, fuck. Jinx.
We got to move right now.
Buy me a coke
in heaven. Jinx again.
Put your guns down!
Fucking guns down!
Doug?
My name's not Doug,
it's schmidt.
And guess what,
we're cops.
Boom.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, everybody knows.
Really?
You guys look like
the stars of a cop show
called Hawaiian dads.
All right,
enough is enough.
Boys, move in!
- Oh, do we have company?
- Yeah!
Drop your guns.
Drop yours first.

We have way
more guns than you.
Drop your fucking guns.
Okay,
that's a good point.
Wow.
I mean, was this
really your entire plan?
Coming in here
with no backup?
Or maybe we had a far
more elaborate plan.
Mmm-hmm.
Maybe my partner has
a tracking device in
his pocket right now.
May... what?
You had the fucking
tracking device.
I don't have it.
That's the one fucking thing
you were supposed to remember.
You're the smart
person. You do the
tracking device shit.
That's your domain.
I do the physical shit.
You know what,
I may drag you down
sometimes,
but every possible time
you can do something dumb,
you do the dumbest
possible thing.
No, the fucking
dumbest possible thing
is letting two cops
blah-blah-blah
while other cops are
getting in position
to bust their shit in.
Oh, so you mean I brought
the tracking device.
Yeah.
What's up now, huh?
That seemed like

such a real argument.

That's improv, bitch.
Move!
Spring break yourself, fool.
We shoot dicks off
here in jump street.
We're here, as well.
We jump street,
and we about to
jump in yo' ass.
Right in the crack.
Don't do it,
leatherface.
He's got the drugs!
This is so boring.
No one's getting shot.
Oh, my God.
Did you just get shot,
like, right after
I fucking said that?
Can I have your gun?
It's bigger.
Stop! I'll shoot you
in the ass!
Dad!
Maya?
What are you
doing here?
This is a shoot-out.
You know what happens
in a shoot-out.
They always
kidnap the girl.
Not always.
Mercedes?
You're coming with me.
Bitch, please. I ain't
going nowhere with you.
Now.
Dad, what do I do?
Is that my bathing suit?
Just ask. It's polite.
You shot me in
my foot! Wait!
Move! Move faster now!
I'm taking my time.

Shit, you shot me

in my goddamn foot.
Doug? Doug!
Maya!
Mercedes just took
my dad that way!
Okay, we're on it.
If I die,
I'm gonna kill both
of you motherfuckers!
Fuck. How are we
gonna catch him now?
Lambo.
Policia! Policia!
Fuck off.
Shit, there's ghost!
What? What do we do?
Uh, we need to split up.
Are you okay with that?
Yeah, I can do it.
Are you sure?
I need to drive,
'cause you're
faster on foot.
What? I don't get
to drive the lambo?
No, you don't.
Come on, let's go!
But I want...
Who gives a shit about
the lambo? Just go!
Let go of
the fucking keys!
I can't let 'em go.
You're gonna
have to take 'em.
Take care of her, okay?
It'll be glorious,
I promise.
How do you
drive this thing?
You got to let
her drive you, bro.
I can't get in.
Hey!
Look where you're going!

It's so confusing!
Easy, bitch.
My hands are hurting.
Whoa!
You know who's
behind us in that car?
That's one of the best
drivers that we got.
Fuck!
Oh, shit.
- Fucking complicated.
- What is this?
Holy shit!
You fucked up me
driving a lamborghini,
you dick!
Fuck you, doves!
Puerto, Mexico,
let's hear you get crazy!
It's like a Batmobile.
Come on, schmidt!
Old man coming through!
Excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.
Brad! Spring break!
Look,
I can't, all right?
Dude, I got to go.
I got to go.
This is quite enough.
You need to let me go
and drop all this.
Get out of the way!
Tokyo drift!
That was way too fast
and pretty...
Way too...
A little bit too furious.
Schmidt!
Get over here!
I'm handcuffed!
Give it up, asshole!
And nice parking job!
Fuck! I'll be right back.
I gotta go.
I'll be right back. Sorry.

That's a direct order,

motherfucker!
Come over here!
You are
so old and weak!
Drop the fucking gun!
Seriously!
Get your
wrinkly hands off me!
Where the hell
have you been?
Looking for you.
I've been running
like crazy!
Hey! Hey.
Want to fight
like a man?
Then you better
fight like two men.
Hey.
Hey.
Really? More twins?
Get up, old man river!
Come on!
Hey.
Get up and hit me,
you fucking pussy!
I'm not gonna fight
a girl, so just stop!
It shouldn't matter.
If you thought
of me as a person
instead of a woman,
you would hit me and
not feel bad about it.
Okay.
Bring it!
I'm ready.
It's on now, dawg.
Girl fight.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, my God.
Is there blood in my eye?
Oh, my God.
Are you all right?
I think there's

blood in my eye.
Fucking learn
how to hit!
That's a little better!
That's a little better,
motherfucker!
Come on! Come on!
No! No!
What?
What were

doing?
What am I doing?
Why'd you try
to kiss me?
I didn't fucking
try and kiss you!
Yes, you did.
Ooh, you're so weird!
You're fucking
Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing me.
I'm not
Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing you.
This wasn't
a sexy fight.
Oh, like you haven't
wanted to kiss me
the whole time.
I never once
wanted to kiss you!
Never! No!
You just did it again!
Stop it!
Stop!
You're making a face
that is sexy!
I don't even want
to kiss you!
Then stop trying!
You keep trying!
I've never tried
to kiss you.
You gave me
kiss me eyes.
No, I didn't.
The eyes were

I just got punched

in the face eyes.
They weren't
kiss me eyes.
I don't even like you!
Neither do I,
so stop kissing me!
Okay!
No! You're leaning
in again!
I didn't know
if we were gonna
punch or kiss!
You're making this
so uncomfortable.
This is the most
uncomfortable fistfight
I've ever been in.
I'm gonna give you
an out by punching
you in the face.
Okay?
Okay.
And then we're gonna
go back to fighting
and we'll pretend
this never happened,
'cause I feel
so awkward.
I want to see you
get crazy!
Whoo!
I fucking hate
spring break!
Fuck!
Ow!
Are you kidding me?
It's plastic.
Doesn't even hurt!
Okay...
This isn't
the spring break
you imagined?
How about this?
You want a little fun?
What is that?

Get wet, baby!

So much lube in my face!
Oh.
Lube on my face.
You're so violent!
Get off me unless
you're gonna fuck me!
I'm not gonna fuck you!
Are we gonna fuck?
No, we're not!
Is that what's happening?
No! I'm not gonna
fuck you, ever!
Get off!
Hey!
Hey!
What? What are
you gonna do?
Choke me with your
liver-spotted hands?
You gonna push me over
with your Walker?
I'm impressed you
caught up to me.
You probably
haven't run that fast
since you played
stickball in the field
behind old pop
wiggleby's sweet shop.
Freeze, bitch.
Oh, thank God.
Look who got off
the motherfucking leash.
Now who's the damsel
in distress?
Fuck!
Well, I guess it's him.
I don't have
a clean shot, schmidt.
Then don't take the shot!
Maybe I want to
take a dirty shot.
Kind of like the dirty shot
you took on my daughter.
I didn't take a dirty shot

on your daughter, okay?

We talked a lot,
and we care about
each other.
All the good
qualities you have,
I can feel
inside of Maya.
I'm gonna take the shot.
Don't take the shot.
I can shoot right
through your shoulder,
hit the bitch
right in the chest.
Don't take the shot.
I'm taking the shot.
I'll take the
fucking shot.
Nobody take
the shot before me.
How about we
take it at the same time?
No one take a shot.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Shit! You have the right
to remain silent...
No, no, no,
I got this.
You go handle the ghost.
He's on the roof.
I'm on it.
I got it.
- What you looking at?
- Oh!
Good job on the cuffs,
baby girl.
So many fucking stairs.
It's me! It's me!
Shit.
You made it, dude.
Did you get Mercedes?
Yeah. All by myself.
Really?
Mainly by myself.
Okay.
And, dude, you were right,

that lambo...
Just can't hear
that right now.
It's a shitty-made car.
It's not good.
Hey, let's go.
We got to go.
How many bullets
you got left?
None.
Act like you
have bullets, then.
We gotta go!
We have to wait
for pudding!
Jenko!
Go, go!
Here, take this.
Okay.
I tried to take
a bullet for you, man.
Yeah. But you didn't.
But I tried.
It's the thought
that matters.
No, it's not
the thought that counts.
It's fucking
taking the bullet.
Cover me.
I'm gonna go long.
Okay.
Bye-bye, Terminator!
Hey! Get off
of my chopper!
Can you shake him off?
I'm coming for you,
motherfucker!
Come on,
just wiggle the stick
back and forth!
He's only got one arm!
I only need one arm to
punch you in the dick.
Shake him off! Shake him off!
Don't be a pussy!

Holy shit!
I did it!
I look so fucking badass!
Oh, my God, you flew!
This is crazy!
You made the leap, man!
Why'd you do that?
'Cause you did it!
I couldn't leave
you hanging, man!
What are you talking about?
I was fine. I had it.
You weren't...
I got you!
Shit! Schmidt!
I got you!
You saved my life!
I just realized something.
You don't
hold me down, man.
You lift me up.
Literally
and figuratively.
Yeah, I know.
I meant both.
You don't drag me down,
either, man.
I mean, except right now.
You're dragging me down.
You're really heavy.
Hey, listen, there's
a grenade in my shorts.
Can you reach it?
You gotta go in
from underneath.
Oh, shit!
Is that it?
That's my dick.
What about that?
That's my dick also.
Why is it hard?
I have so much
adrenaline right now!
Is that it?
You're tickling me.
I can't find it!

That's it! Grab it!

Yes!
No, I got it in my mouth.
Say something cool
when you throw it!
One, two, three!
Something cool!
They're gone!
Oh, I feel so...
Whoo-hoo!
We did it!
Dude, fuck, I'm... ow!
Oh! Shit, sorry.
Dude, I miss you
so much, man.
I miss you, too.
You were like a tiny
little flower seed
and I was clenching you
in my fist.
But a flower,
it can't grow in a fist.
A little seed needs
to fly away free
and find its soil.
Yeah, I know.
I tried to soil myself and,
dude, I didn't like it.
I wanted a relationship
without friction.
Dude, you need friction
to create fire.
And that's what we have,
we have fire.
Dude, I'm in.
I'm all in.
Thank God.
Dude, this is what
I've always wanted.
Just me and you, buddy.
I love you.
Me, too, man.
I love you, man.
You know what?
That's who he should
be with, man.

What?
Hey, what'd you say
when you threw
the grenade up there?
I said,
something cool.
What did you say?
It was something cool.
No, but what'd you say?
Yeah, I know.
I said, something cool.
I didn't expect
spring break to be
this stinky.
It's pretty gross.
Man, we're getting
too old for this shit.
We started off
too old for this shit.
You ain't lying
about that.
Dude, we're even
about the arm thing,
okay? Right?
What? What do
you want to do?
Don't move.
Fuck. All right.
Just get it over with,
all right?
Don't move.
One...
Just graze my arm.
I don't want you
to hit the bone.
...Two,
three.
Fuck! Fuck!
Shit!
Oh, my God,
are you all right?
Shit!
Why, man? Why am I always
getting hurt around you?
- Jenko, what are you doing?
- Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you, schmidt.

Stop dicking around.
Hey, cap.
Congratulations, you two.
You managed to
un-fuck up the situation
you originally fucked up.
Thanks.
I wish you can
un-fuck my daughter,
but I'm gonna let
that be the past.
Now, for your next mission,
you two sons of bitches
are going to medical school.
What?
This time,
foreign exchange students.
Awesome.
Yes!
In Russia.
What?
Do svidanya.
Vodka soda.
Next assignment.
A semester at sea.
You two sons of bitches
are going to culinary school.
There's a microchip
in this empanada.
Old family recipe.
Best to keep it a secret.
Oh, shit!
New assignment...
Cap, does schmidt look
any different to you?
No.
That's schmidt.
I don't know what you're
talking about, man.
He look exactly
the same to me.
I got new glasses.
Yeah, man, he just got some
new glasses, man. God damn.
No one's

gonna fucking notice.

Let's do this, schmidt.
Yeah. Just like we
always do, Jenkins.
It's jenko.
Sorry.
I'm really,
really glad you're
back, schmidt.
What are you talking about?
What contract dispute?
I've been here
the whole time.
Man,
shut the fuck up.
How about
a flight academy?
Undercover just got
a whole lot sexier.
You're jump street,
right?
Yeah. How the fuck
do you know that?
I'm booker.
Oh, shit.
Man, you're a legend.
Traffic school!
Military school.
Scuba class.
Dance academy.
Yes.
Finally something
I'm amazing at.
You sons of bitches
is gonna be in a video game.
Let's blow shit up.
Jump street style.
Get ready for a lifetime of
being badass motherfuckers.
It's inking in my mouth!
Don't fuck
my daughter.
All right,
new assignment.
Six hours of makeup?
We're getting too old

for this shit.

Nice.
Something cool!
Eric.
Eric, are you awake?
No.
I'm late.