Woody Allen (Complete Prose)

In the spring of 1940, a large Mercedes pulled up in front of barbershop at 127

Koenigstrasse, and Hitler walked in. I just want a light trim, he said, and dont take
too much off the top. I explained to him there would be a brief wait because von
Ribbentrop was ahead of him. Hitler said he was in a rush and asked Ribbentrop if he
could be taken next, but Ribbentrop insisted it would look bad for the foreign office
if he were passed over. Hitler thereupon made a quick phone call, and Ribbentrop
was immediately transferred to the Afrika Korps, and Hitler got his haircut. This sort
of rivalry went on all the time. Once, Gring had Heydrich detained by the police on
false pretenses, so that he could get the chair by the window. Gring was a dissolute
and often wanted to sit on the hobbyhorse to get his haircuts. The Nazi high
command was embarrassed by this but could do nothing. One day, Hess challenged
him. I want the hobbyhorse today, Herr Field Marshal, he said.
Impossible. I have it reserved, Gring shot back.
I have orders directly from the Fhrer. They state that I am to be allowed to sit on
the horse for my haircut. And Hess produced a letter from Hitler to that effect.
Gring was livid. He never forgave Hess, and said that in the future he would have
his wife cut his hair at home with a bowl. Hitler laughed when he heard this, but
Gring was serious and would have carried it out had not the Minister of Arms
turned down his requisition for thinning shears.
After the Allied invasion, Hitler developed dry, unruly hair. This was due in part to
the Allies success and in part to the advice of Goebbels, who told him to wash it
every day. When General Guderian heard this, he immediately returned home from
the Russian front and told the Fhrer he must shampoo his hair no more than three
times weekly. This was the procedure followed with great success by the General
Staff in two previous wars. Hitler once again overruled his generals and continued
washing daily. Bormann helped Hitler with the rinsing and always seemed to be
there with a comb. Eventually, Hitler became dependent on Bormann, and before
he looked in a mirror he would always have Bormann look in it first. As the Allied
armies pushed east, Hitlers hair grew worse. Dry and unkempt, he often raged for
hours about how he would get a nice hair cut and a shave when Germany won the
war, and maybe even a shine. I realize now he never had any intention of doing
those things.
One day, Hess took the Fhrers bottle of Vitalis and set out in a plane for England.
The German high command was furious. They felt Hess planned to give it to the
Allies in return for amnesty for himself. Hitler was particularly enraged when he
heard the news, as he had just stepped out of the shower and was about to do his
hair. (Hess later explained at Nuremberg that his plan was to give Churchill a scalp
treatment in an effort to end the war. He had got as far bending Churchill over a
basin when he was apprehended.)

Late in 1944, Gring grew a mustache, causing talk that he was soon to replace
Hitler. Hitler was furious and accused Gring of disloyalty. There must be only
one mustache among leaders of the Reich, and it shall be mine! he cried. Gring
argued that two mustaches might give the German people a greater sense of hope
about the war, which was going poorly, but Hitler thought not. Then, in January
1945, a plot by several generals to shave Hitlers mustache in his sleep and proclaim
Doenitz the new leader failed when von Stauffenberg, in the darkness of Hitlers
bedroom, shaved off one of the Fhrers eyebrows instead. A state of emergency
was proclaimed and suddenly Goebbels appeared at my shop. An attempt was
made on the Fhrers mustache; but it was unsuccessful, he said trembling.
Goebbels arranged for me to go on radio and address the German people, which I
did with a minimum of notes. The Fhrer is all right, I assured them. He still has his
mustache. Repeat. The Fhrer still has his mustache. A plot to shave it has failed.
Near the end, I came to Hitlers bunker. The Allied armies were closing in on Berlin,
and Hitler felt that if the Russians got there first he would need a full haircut but
if the Americans did he could get by with a light trim. Everyone quarreled. In the
midst of all this, Borman wanted a shave, and I promised him I would get to work
on some blueprints. Hitler grew morose and remote. He talked of parting his hair
from ear to ear and then claimed that the development of the electric razor would
turn the war for Germany. We will be able to shave in seconds, eh, Schmeed? he
muttered. He mentioned other wild schemes and said that someday he would have
his hair not just cut but shaped. Obsessed as usual by sheer size, he vowed he
would eventually have a huge pompadour one that will make the world tremble
and will require an honor guard to comb. Finally, we shook hands and I gave him a
last trim. He tipped me one pfennig. I wish it could be more, he said, but ever since
the Allies have overrun Europe Ive been a little short.

Woody Allen

As well as being a famous actor, film director, stand-up comedian and jazz musician,
Woody Allen (1935) has written many humorous short stories and poems and been
compared with Groucho Marx and James Thurber. Here he speculates on hair care
in the Third Reich. Visit www.quotationspage.com for more Allen-isms.