I am only human, we all are

For countless, sleepless nights I have wondered about the decisions I have made in my life,
about the route my decisions have led me through during my lifes journey so far.
I consider myself lucky, perhaps luckier than most, if such a thing as luck even exists.
But despite what we decide to call the effects of random and little thought about decisions
throughout my past on my current quality of life, my choices and the results of these
choices have had a profound effect on who I now am, leading me to be a relatively
comfortable, satisfied and ultimately happy individual.
Yet, everything could have been different, a singular choice made, a particular path taken
and perhaps I would not be who I am, in all likelihood I would not be writing this right now.
Because I would not have the freedom to be doing so.
Not in any legal sense, but due to the restrictions placed upon me by needs that go beyond
my capabilities to fill. The needs of economic requirements, relationship difficulties, social
stress and the myriad issues that accompany these three things, the things that have
caused many people I know, respect and even love to fall by the wayside and descend into
the depths of despair, anguish and depression, the needs that have become so
uncontrolled that the only escape has seemed to be death.
Therein lays my greatest relief; I have moved beyond such issues as deprivation, loneliness
and futility for a time and I am able to concentrate on my betterment and that of those I care
for and love, not simply because I need to, but because I choose to. My decisions have
allowed me to reach a state of relative freedom and as a result I am the master of my own
destiny.
If such a thing exists, I am not certain.
But, think for a second if I had not made all of the decisions that led me here, what if I had
made different choices.
What if when I was only sixteen, I had run away from home and lived on the streets as I
struggled to reconcile my own perceived desires with the pressures of educational
success?
What if I had dropped out of University after the first semester of terrible results and
focused instead on the party scene that, for a while; became a euphoric escape from
another year of schooling after so many years?
What if I had instead concentrated fully on my studies and had reached the pinnacle of
academic achievement, moving into the circles of academia?
What if I had not, oh a whim; travelled to China to teach English, paving the way for a new
and previously unconsidered vocational path as an educator which itself allowed me to find
the wonderful woman who became my wife?
Where would I be?

The truth is I cannot tell, I imagine no one can honestly say that they know what would have
happened if their decisions had been different and for me, many which seemed to be smart,
eventually caused me pain, many that I immediately regretted or fretted over paid dividends
over the passage of time, teaching me caution, planning and preventing me from making
more serious mistakes and protecting me from the worst of harm and perhaps, if you
believe in it, misfortune.
When I look beyond myself and the decisions that I have made, when I examine the
decisions my friends, family, acquaintances, those who despise me, those who care little for
me and those who have affected me without knowing it I can see that the web of choice
which serves as a plan for our lives is tangled indeed and it is almost impossible to predict
all of the outcomes.
I can see how often the decisions of other people are not made with long lasting intent
despite the effects in fact lasting for years, decades or even a lifetime.
I see how people are so often unaware of how much they have been affected by little things
that come to shape their lives; a nasty jibe, a moment of kindness, a broken heart or an
attempt to quell mounting anxiety gone bad, resulting in ongoing complications be they
social, economic or physical.
Is such awareness important? Does such an understanding provide some kind of
advantage as a human over other humans or over the natural or created world?
Perhaps, the belief that you understand is no more than a clever illusion, lending false
confidence to decisions that have no meaning whatsoever in a life that is completely
random, with the very act of writing about it being a cosmic joke.
Of course such thinking is in itself ironically pointless because if the answer was
conclusively known then it would of course be actively acted upon.
Yet, beyond all of the philosophising and contemplation I know that from my self analysis
and my overwhelming desire to understand myself and others I can empathize with those
whose decisions have led them down darkened paths. Those who in frustration, fear and
anger have irreconcilably faltered in the quest for meaningful happiness and in despair
have further worsened their life in hopes of a temporary reprieve from the black depths of
regret.
Every decision has a lesson, every choice a meaning, if you only care to see.
Baart Groot