CONFLICT

Conflict is part of life. In family, community, work and internally we pit ideas against each other.
It is in the creative resolution of different ideas that progress is based. Many of our ideas, needs
or wants are invested with emotion. Emotion gives us the energy to engage in achieving our
desired outcomes. Sometimes it is in achievement of a goal and at other times may be in
avoiding an outcome. When emotion gets in the way of improving clarity, understanding and
compassion we suffer distress. Distress will destroy constructive conversation and creative
solution-finding. Getting into conflict is easy. Resolving conflicts is one of the most complex
skill sets to develop. Those who develop these skills have an enormous advantage in life,
leadership, management, marriage and coaching. In this introduction we lay out an approach and
a framework for improving your ability to resolve conflict constructively and with minimal
distress. Success is not a simple process of memorizing bullet points. Good conflict resolution
takes awareness, self mastery, empathy and years of practice.
MEANING
Conflict may be defined as a struggle or contest between people with opposing needs, ideas,
beliefs, values, or goals. Conflict on teams is inevitable; however, the results of conflict are not
predetermined. Conflict might escalate and lead to nonproductive results, or conflict can be
beneficially resolved and lead to quality final products. Therefore, learning to manage conflict is
integral to a high-performance team. Although very few people go looking for conflict, more
often than not, conflict results because of miscommunication between people with regard to their
needs, ideas, beliefs, goals, or values. Conflict management is the principle that all conflicts
cannot necessarily be resolved, but learning how to manage conflicts can decrease the odds of
nonproductive escalation. Conflict management involves acquiring skills related to conflict
resolution, self-awareness about conflict modes, conflict communication skills, and establishing
a structure for management of conflict in your environment.
SALIENT CHARACTERISTICS OF CONFLICT
Successful conflict resolution requires maturity, patience and recognition that:
Conflict is inevitable, normal and challenging
Most conflict can be managed
Experience, intuition and knowledge must be applied
Not every conflict can be resolved
Conflict is a great tool for personal development
Conflict helps build robust and trusting relationships
SOURCES OF CONFLICT
Conflict is sourced in different ways. It is helpful to define the source of the particular conflict:
Values which are set up early in life guide us in what should or should not be done. Value
conflicts can quickly lead to war or dissolution of a working relationship. It is very useful to
review and explore both your own and others values. This is why values alignment is so
powerful. Conflict over values is difficult to resolve creatively if people are intolerant.
Conflicting objectives or goals will quickly present challenges particular when the stakes are
high and people have invested significant resources. This is a key factor in business,
negotiation and marriage.

 Competition for limited resources is a frequent source in modern organisations, family,

social investments and sport.
Poor planning or execution of complex, interdependent projects. This is frequently an issue
if we set up expectations and one party fails to meet a critical input. The problem usually
occurs when there is inadequate or dishonest communication. Regular and candid
communication can solve this issue.
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLE
Five different forms of engagement are possible over a conflict:
1. Avoidance (Lose-lose)
The avoiding mode is low assertiveness and low cooperation. Many times people will avoid
conflicts out of fear of engaging in a conflict or because they do not have confidence in their
conflict management skills. Times when the avoiding mode is appropriate are when you have
issues of low importance, to reduce tensions, to buy some time, or when you are in a position of
lower power.
Avoiding Skills
Ability to withdraw

Ability to sidestep issues

Ability to leave things unresolved

Sense of timing

Advantages: high levels of distress, need to cool down and plan, risk of break-down, skilled
assistance needed
Disadvantages: lost time, frustration, fear, denial, creative opportunity lost
2. Competition (Win-lose)
The competing conflict mode is high assertiveness and low cooperation. Times when the
competing mode is appropriate are when quick action needs to be taken, when unpopular
decisions need to be made, when vital issues must be handled, or when one is protecting selfinterests.
Competing Skills
Arguing or debating

Standing your ground

Using rank or influence

Asserting your opinions and

feelings

Stating your position clearly

Advantages: critical situations with high risk, leadership has to be established, dont care...
Disadvantages: others check out, trust and collaboration reduced
3. Accommodation (Lose-Win)
The accommodating mode is low assertiveness and high cooperation. Times when the
accommodating mode is appropriate are to show reasonableness, develop performance, create

good will, or keep peace. Some people use the accommodating mode when the issue or outcome
is of low importance to them.
The accommodating mode can be problematic when one uses the mode to keep a tally or to be
a martyr. For example, if you keep a list of the number of times you have accommodated
someone and then you expect that person to realize, without your communicating to the person,
that she/he should now accommodate you.
ccommodating Skills
Forgetting your desires

Selflessness

Ability to yield

Obeying orders

Advantages: lose battle to win war, importance to other party, allow others to learn
Disadvantages: looks like caving in, may be avoidance
4. Compromise (Trade-offs)
The compromising mode is moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperation. Some people
define compromise as giving up more than you want, while others see compromise as both
parties winning.
Times when the compromising mode is appropriate are when you are dealing with issues of
moderate importance, when you have equal power status, or when you have a strong
commitment for resolution. Compromising mode can also be used as a temporary solution when
there are time constraints.
Compromising Skills
Negotiating

Finding a middle ground

Assessing value

Making concessions

Advantages: helps find common ground, may meet key requirements, signal respect
Disadvantages: often temporary, must set limits
5. Collaboration (Win-win)
The collaborating mode is high assertiveness and high cooperation. Collaboration has been
described as putting an idea on top of an idea on top of an ideain order to achieve the best
solution to a conflict. The best solution is defined as a creative solution to the conflict that
would not have been generated by a single individual. With such a positive outcome for
collaboration, some people will profess that the collaboration mode is always the best conflict
mode to use. However, collaborating takes a great deal of time and energy. Therefore, the
collaborating mode should be used when the conflict warrants the time and energy. For example,
if your team is establishing initial parameters for how to work effectively together, then using the
collaborating mode could be quite useful. On the other hand, if your team is in conflict about
where to go to lunch today, the time and energy necessary to collaboratively resolve the conflict
is probably not beneficial.

Times when the collaborative mode is appropriate are when the conflict is important to the
people who are constructing an integrative solution, when the issues are too important to
compromise, when merging perspectives, when gaining commitment, when improving
relationships, or when learning.
Collaboration Skills
Active listening

Nonthreatening confrontation

Identifying concerns

Analyzing input

Advantages: maximum concern for issues and relationships, builds trust, creativity required
Disadvantages: requires courage, exploration, time and empathy
FACTORS AFFECTING CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLE TO BE ADOPTED
Some factors that can impact how we respond to conflict are listed below with explanations of
how these factors might affect us.
Gender Some of us were socialized to use particular conflict modes because of our gender. For
example, some males, because they are male, were taught always stand up to someone, and, if
you have to fight, then fight. If one was socialized this way he will be more likely to use
assertive conflict modes versus using cooperative modes.
Self-concept How we think and feel about ourselves affect how we approach conflict. Do we
think our thoughts, feelings, and opinions are worth being heard by the person with whom we
are in conflict?
Expectations Do we believe the other person or our team wants to resolve the conflict?
Situation Where is the conflict occurring, do we know the person we are in conflict with, and
is the conflict personal or professional?
Position (Power) What is our power status relationship, (that is, equal, more, or less) with the
person with whom we are in conflict?
Practice Practice involves being able to use all five conflict modes effectively, being able to
determine what conflict mode would be most effective to resolve the conflict, and the ability to
change modes as necessary while engaged in conflict.
Determining the best mode Through knowledge about conflict and through practice we
develop a conflict management understanding and can, with ease and limited energy,
determine what conflict mode to use with the particular person with whom we are in conflict.
Communication skills The essence of conflict resolution and conflict management is the
ability to communicate effectively. People who have and use effective communication will
resolve their conflicts with greater ease and success.
Life experiences As mentioned earlier, we often practice the conflict modes we saw our
primary caretaker(s) use unless we have made a conscious choice as adults to change or adapt
our conflict styles. Some of us had great role models teach us to manage our conflicts and
others of us had less-than-great role models. Our life experiences, both personal and
professional, have taught us to frame conflict as either something positive that can be worked
through or something negative to be avoided and ignored at all costs.

Discerning how we manage our conflict, why we manage conflict the way we do, and thinking
about the value of engaging in conflict with others are important. With better understanding we
can make informed choices about how we engage in conflict and when we will engage in
conflict. The next section provides points for us to consider when determining if we will enter
into a conflict situation or not.
HOW TO SELECT CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLE?
There are times when we have a choice to engage in or avoid a conflict. The following six
variables should be considered when you decide whether to engage in a conflict.
1. How important the relationship is for you?
The importance of the working/personal relationship often dictates whether you will engage in a
conflict. If you value the person and/or the relationship, going through the process of conflict
resolution is important.
2. How important is the issue to you?
Even if the relationship is not of great value to you, one must often engage in conflict if the issue
is important to you. For example, if the issue is a belief, value, or regulation that you believe in
or are hired to enforce, then engaging in the conflict is necessary. If the relationship and the issue
are both important to you, there is an even more compelling reason to engage in the conflict.
3. Do you have the energy for the conflict?
Many of us say, There is not time to do all that I want to do in a day. Often the issue is not how
much time is available but how much energy we have for what we need to do. Even in a track
meet, runners are given recovery time before they have to run another race. Energy, not time, is
being managed in these situations.
4. Are you aware of the potential consequences
Prior to engaging in a conflict, thinking about anticipated consequences from engaging in the
conflict is wise. For example, there may be a risk for your safety, a risk for job loss, or an
opportunity for a better working relationship. Many times people will engage in conflict and then
be shocked by the outcome or consequence of engaging in the conflict. Thoughtful reflection
about the consequences, both positive and negative, is useful before engaging in or avoiding a
conflict.
5. Are you ready for the consequences?
After analyzing potential consequences, determine whether you are prepared for the
consequences of engaging in the conflict. For example, one employee anticipated a job loss if
she continued to engage in the conflict she was having with her boss over a particular issue. After
careful consideration, the employee thought and believed strongly enough about the issue that
she did engage in the conflict with her boss. Her annual contract was not renewed for the
upcoming year. Because this individual had thought through the consequences of engaging in the
conflict, she was prepared to be without a job for a while and able to financially and emotionally
plan for this outcome. Most consequences of engaging in conflict are not this severe, but this
example illustrates the value of thinking through consequences.
6. What are the consequences if you do not engage in the conflict?

To avoid losing a sense of self, there are times when you must engage in conflict. Most people
have core values, ideas, beliefs, or morals. If a person is going to sacrifice one of their core
beliefs by avoiding a conflict, personal loss of respect must be considered. In such cases, even if
a person is not excited about confronting the conflict, one must carefully consider the
consequences of evading the conflict. When the personal consequences of turning away from the
conflict outweigh all other factors, then a person usually must take part in the conflict.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION THROUGH SELF-AWARENESS
Important contributors to success conflict resolution.
1. Self development challenges
Being good at conflict resolution is the penultimate emotional intelligence competencies.
However,
to enter the terrain it requires some skill in each of the clusters of emotional intelligence. In the
cluster of Self Awareness we need all the competencies of self awareness, accurate self
knowledge
and confidence. In Self Mastery we need impulse control and emotion regulation and in Social
Awareness we need high levels of empathy and social cognition. Setting up the environment for
conflict resolution requires influence, inspirational leadership and trust.
2. Empathy and social cognition
Successful conflict managers have an acute sense of the underlying dramas, personal styles and
human signals that can so easily derail a difficult conversation. Based on our life experience and
perhaps partly on genes we tend to default into preferential behaviour. These preferences tend to
show up in conflict. It is useful to understand these styles.
People group into:
Aggressive: this is a battle I must win and your issues are not relevant; dominance is the
theme and the need to win can over-ride the actual issues to resolve; destroys teams.
Non-Assertive: afraid to engage, low self esteem and confuses others; may expect others to
guess what they want; unlikely to work in high performance environments.
Passive Aggressive: avoids conflict but gets own back later; acts non-assertive but feels
aggressive; may collect bag of grievances and explode once bag full (final straw); important
to address and point out when used; watch for it in yourself.
Assertive: stand your own ground while being respectful of others; stays cool but confident;
quick to acknowledge where others are and focuses on issues.
3. Listening skills: At a deeper level, listening skills become a huge advantage in working
towards constructive outcomes. Our listening progresses through basic acknowledgement, silent
attention, questions, paraphrasing and to reflective listening. These are disciplines that can be
augmented by studying body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. The purpose of
deepening empathy is to gain a deep understanding of the situation from the other partys
perspective.
Recent work has also underpinned the need to connect with the basic emotional needs of the
other party. When we meet these needs of appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status and role we
are far more likely to achieve a collaborative win-win. The more we miss or violate these needs
the less likely resolution becomes.

Living Self Awareness

Live the principles, not the catch phrases
Try to be better, not perfect
Change yourself, your perceptions
Apologize and move forward
Its about what you do right
Its about what help you can provide
Using Self Awareness at Work
Leadership and Team Building
Conflict Resolution
Promoting Accountability
Professional Growth and Development
Managing Cultural Diversity
Organizational change
METHODS FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS AND DISPUTES
Whether you are involved in a family or neighborhood dispute or a lawsuit involving thousands
of dollars, these processes should be considered. They are often the more appropriate methods of
dispute resolution and can result in a fair, just, reasonable answer for both you and the other
party. Settlement and compromise have long been favored in the legal system. In fact, most cases
that are filed in a court do settle. Only 5 percent of all cases filed go to trial. The following
processes describe ways to resolve disputes.
1.NEGOTIATION
Definition: Negotiation is the most basic means of settling differences. It is back-and-forth
communication between the parties to the conflict with the goal of trying to find a solution.
The Process: You may negotiate directly with the other person. You may hire an attorney to
negotiate directly with the other side on your behalf. There are no specific procedures to follow you can determine your own - but it works best if all parties agree to remain calm and not talk at
the same time. Depending on your situation, you can negotiate in the board room of a big
company, in an office or even in your own living room.

Negotiation allows you to participate directly in decisions that affect you. In the most successful
negotiations, the needs of both parties are considered. A negotiated agreement can become a
contract and be enforceable.
When and How Negotiation Is Used: Most people negotiate every day. In some circumstances
you may want the help of a lawyer to help you negotiate a fair deal. Negotiation is the first
method of choice for problem-solving and trying to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. If no
agreement is reached, you may pursue any of the other options suggested here. This process can
be appropriately used at any stage of the conflict - before a lawsuit is filed, while a lawsuit is in
progress, at the conclusion of a trial, even before or after an appeal is filed.
Characteristics of Negotiation:

Voluntary
Private and confidential

Quick and inexpensive

Informal and unstructured

Parties control the process, make their own decisions and reach their own agreements (no
third party decision maker)

Negotiated agreements can be enforceable

Can result in a win-win solution

2. MEDIATION
Definition: Mediation is a voluntary process in which an impartial person (the mediator)
helps with communication and promotes reconciliation between the parties which will allow
them to reach a mutually acceptable agreement.
Mediation often is the next step if negotiation proves unsuccessful.
The Process: The mediator manages the process and helps facilitate negotiation between the
parties. A mediator does not make a decision nor force an agreement. The parties directly
participate and are responsible for negotiating their own settlement or agreement.
At the beginning of the mediation session, the mediator will describe the process and the ground
rules. The parties or their attorneys have an opportunity to explain their view of the dispute.
Mediation helps each side better understand the others point of view. Sometimes the mediator
will meet separately with each side. Separate caucusing can help address emotional and factual
issues as well as allow time for receiving legal advice from your attorney. Mediations are
generally held in the office of the mediator or other agreed location.
Agreements can be creative. You could reach a solution that might not be available from a court
of law. For example, if you owe someone money but dont have the cash, rather than be sued and
get a judgment against you, settlement options could include trading something you have for

something the other wants. If an agreement is reached, it will generally be reduced to writing.
Most people uphold a mediated agreement because they were a part of making it. It can become
a contract and be enforceable. If there is no agreement, you have not lost any of your rights and
you can pursue other options such as arbitration or going to trial.
When and How Mediation Is Used: When you and the other person are unable to negotiate a
resolution to your dispute by yourselves, you may seek the assistance of a mediator who will
help you and the other party explore ways of resolving your differences. You may choose to go to
mediation with or without a lawyer depending upon the type of problem you have. You may
always consult with an attorney prior to finalizing an agreement to be sure that you have made
fully informed decisions and that all your rights are protected. Sometimes mediators will suggest
that you do this. Mediation can be used in most conflicts ranging from disputes between
consumers and merchants, landlords and tenants, employers and employees, family members in
such areas as divorce, child custody and visitation rights, eldercare and probate, as well as
simple or complex business disputes or personal injury matters. Mediation can also be used at
any stage of the conflict such as facilitating settlements of a pending lawsuit.
Attorneys and other professionals provide private mediation for a fee. If you have an attorney,
you can work together to select a mediator of your choice. You may want a mediator who is
knowledgeable about the subject matter of your dispute. You may wish to use a for-fee mediator
in the first instance or if Early Settlement mediation has not resulted in a resolution of your
dispute. You may also find mediators or mediation services listed in the telephone directory or
available on lists provided by some courts or private professional organizations. When selecting
a mediator, you should always check their credentials and get references.
Mediators qualified under the District Court Mediation Act or certified pursuant to the Dispute
Resolution Act meet statutory standards of training and experience.
Who Provides This Service: Public mediation services are available through Early Settlement
Regional Centers located statewide. A list of the regional centers can be found online at
www.oscn.net/static/adr. This program provides the services of volunteer mediators, trained and
certified to mediate in the Administrative Office of the Oklahoma Supreme Court. Mediators in
this system are assigned to mediate your dispute by the various program administrators. They are
available at minimal or no charge to help you resolve conflicts, often without the assistance of an
attorney or the need to go to court.
You may also find mediation in our state and federal court systems called court-sponsored
mediation. Generally you and your attorney may select a private mediator or choose a public
service. Fees may apply. Judges are frequently referring cases to settlement procedures such as
mediation to help litigants resolve their disputes in less time and with less cost than litigation and
trial.
Characteristics of Mediation:

Promotes communication and cooperation

Provides a basis for you to resolve disputes on your own

Voluntary, informal and flexible

Private and confidential, avoiding public disclosure of personal or business problems

Can reduce hostility and preserve on-going relationships

Allows you to avoid the uncertainty, time, cost and stress of going to trial

Allows you to make mutually acceptable agreements tailored to meet your needs

Can result in a win-win solution

3. ADVOCACY
Advocacy in all its forms seeks to ensure that people, particularly those who are most vulnerable
in society, are able to:

Have their voice heard on issues that are important to them.

Defend and safeguard their rights.

Have their views and wishes genuinely considered when decisions are being made about
their lives.

Advocacy is a process of supporting and enabling people to:

Express their views and concerns.

Access information and services.

Defend and promote their rights and responsibilities.

Explore choices and options

Advocacy is a political process by an individual or group which aims to influence decisions

within political, economic, and social systems and institutions. Advocacy can include many
activities that a person or organization undertakes including media campaigns, public speaking,
commissioning and publishing research or conducting exit poll or the filing of an amicus brief.
Lobbying (often by lobby groups) is a form of advocacy where a direct approach is made to
legislators on an issue which plays a significant role in modern politics.
Forms of advocacy include:

Budget advocacy: Budget advocacy is another aspect of advocacy that ensures proactive
engagement of Civil Society Organizations with the government budget to make the
government more accountable to the people and promote transparency. Budget advocacy
also enables citizens and social action groups to compel the government to be more alert
to the needs and aspirations of people in general and the deprived sections of the
community.
Health advocacy: Health advocacy supports and promotes patient's health care rights as
well as enhance community health and policy initiatives that focus on the availability,
safety and quality of care.

Mass advocacy: is any type of action taken by large groups (petitions, demonstrations,
etc.)

4. DIPLOMACY
Diplomacy focuses on the management of international relations by negotiation.
G.R. Berridge (1995: 1) characterizes diplomacy as the conduct of international relations by
negotiation rather than by force, propaganda, or recourse to law, and by other peaceful means
(such as gathering information or engendering goodwill) which are either directly or indirectly
designed to promote negotiation.