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Anyone Can Whistle

Song Title
Me and My Town
The Miracle Song
There Wont Be
Trumpets
Simple (Part 1)
Simple (Part 2)
Come Play Wiz Me
Anyone Can Whistle
Theres a Parade in Town
Everybody Says Dont
Ive Got You to Lean On
See What It Gets You
The Cookie Chase
With So Little to Be Sure
Of

Characters

Me and My Town
CORA
Everyone hates me yes, yes
Being the Mayoress, yes
All of the peasants
Throw rocks in my presence
Which causes me nervous distress, yes
Oooh, oooooooooh, oooh, ooh, oooooooooh
Me and my town, battered about
Everyone in it would like to get out
But me and my town
We just wanna be loved!
Stores are for rent, theatres are dark
Grass on the sidewalks, but not in the park
Me and my town
We just wanna be loved
The people are starving
So they sleep the day through
My poor little people
What can they do?
TOWNSPEOPLE
Boo!
CORA
Who asked you?
Come on the train, come on the bus
Somebody please buy a ticket to us
Hurry on down
We need a little renown
Love me
Love my
Town!
Ooohhhh, ooooohhhhh, ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!
BOYS
Hi there, Cora, whats new?
CORA
The bank went bust and Im feeling blue
BOYS
And who took over the bankruptcy?
CORA
Me, boys, me!
BOYS
Si, si!

CORA
Me, boys, me!
BOYS
Tell us, Cora, how you are
CORA
I just got back from the reservoir
BOYS
And whats the state of the water supply?
CORA
Dry, boys, dry!
BOYS
My, my!
CORA
Dry, boys, dry!
BOYS
Ay, ay!
CORA
A lady has responsibilities
BOYS
Responsibilities
CORA
And civic pride!
BOYS
Civic pride!
CORA
Well, I look around and what do I see? I see no crops
BOYS
No crops
CORA
I see no business
BOYS
No business
CORA
To the North, to the South
Only hoof-and-mouth!
BOYS

To the East, to the West


No community chest
CORA
I see a terrible depression all over the town
BOYS
Oh, a terrible depression
Yes, a terrible depression
CORA
What a terrible depression
And Im so depressed
I can hardly talk on the phone
I feel all alone
CORA & BOYS
But a lady has responsibilities
BOYS
Responsibilities
CORA
To all my poor! Starving! Cold! Miserable!
Dirty! Dreary! Depressing! Peasants!
ALL
Peasants! Ick!
CORA
A lady has responsibilities
BOYS
Responsibilities
CORA
To try to be
Popular with the populace
BOYS
Shes unpopular with the populace!
ALL
Unpopular with the populace
Unpopular with the populace
Unpopular with the populace
CORA
Everyone here hates me at length
Probably lynch me if they had the strength
But me and my town
Me and my town
We just wanna be loved!

BOYS
We just want to be loved!
We just want to be loved!
CORA
Just loved!
BOYS
A friendship is lovely
And a courtship sublime
But give her a township
CORA
Township!
Every time!
ALL
Whatll we do, me and my town?
Gotta do something or were gonna drown!
Give me my coat
Give me my crown
Gimme, gimme your vote
And hurry on down!
CORA
Show how much you think
BOYS
Yeah!
CORA
Of me!
ALL
Love me
Love my town!
The Miracle Song
CORA
Baby Joan!
MRS SCHROEDER
Baby Joan!
Its a sign! Its a sign!
CORA
And its mine!
MRS SCHROEDER
Its a shrine! Its a shrine!
CORA
And its all mine!

Its a gold mine!


And its all mine!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Its a sign!
Its a shrine!
See it shine!
CORA
And its holier than thine!
CORA, COOLEY, MRS SCHROEDER & TOWNSPEOPLE
Theres water in a lake, water in a river
Water in the deep blue sea
But water in a rock Lord! Thats a miracle
Whos got the miracle?
TOWNSPEOPLE
We!
ALL
Theres water that you part
Water that you walk on
Water that you turn to wine!
But water from a rock Lord!
What a miracle!
This is a miracle thats divine
Truly divine!
CORA
Really divine!
TOWNSPEOPLE
The Lord said
CORA
Let there be water!
TOWNSPEOPLE
The Lord said
CORA
Turn on the front!
TOWNSPEOPLE
The Lord said
CORA
Let there be pilgrims
And let them all think whatever they want
TOWNSPEOPLE
Blessed be the child

CORA
Blessed be the tourist
TOWNSPEOPLE
Blessed its its own reward
Water is a boon, well soon be in clover!
CORA
Better issue stock, my rock runneth over!
ALL
Glory Hallelu
You finally came through
And thank you, Lord
Our faith is restored!
Thank you, Lord!
CORA
Come, all ye Pilgrims!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Hail the miracle!
CORA
See ye the wondrous sight!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Hail the miracle, praise the miracle!
CORA
Take ye the bus tonight
TOWNSPEOPLE
Theres a miracle thats happening in this town
CORA
If you want to see a miracle, then hurry on down!
Come all ye Pilgrims!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Hail the miracle!
CORA
Hear ye the joyful bells!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Hail the miracle
Bless the miracle!
CORA
Fill ye the new motels!
TOWNSPEOPLE

Its a miracle thats going to change your life


Come along and see the miracle
CORA
And bring the wife!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Theres a miracle thats happening in this town
And youll never have to worry if you hurry on down!
Theres a miracle thats going to change your life
Come along and see the miracle and bring the wife!
CORA
Are you looking for hope?
TOWNSPEOPLE
Looking for hope
CORA
Hoping for an answer?
TOWNSPEOPLE
Hoping for an answer
CORA
New life
TOWNSPEOPLE
New life
CORA
True happiness
TOWNSPEOPLE
True happiness
CORA
Come
PILGRIMS
Help!
CORA
Come and take the water for a modest fee
Come and take the waters and feel new
PILGRIMS
Feel new
CORA
Come and take the waters and with luck youll be
Anything whatever except you
PILGRIMS

Comfort
TOWNSPEOPLE
Come and take the waters with humility
Come and take the waters and feel new
CORA
Come and take the waters and with luck youll be
Happy and successful
PILGRIMS & TOWNSPEOPLE
Happy and successful
CORA
Liked and loved and beautiful and perfect!
PILGRIMS & TOWNSPEOPLE
Beautiful and perfect!
CORA
Healthy, rich, handsome, independent
Wise, adjusted and secure and athletic!
PILGRIMS
Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!
Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!
Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!
Rainbow!
ALL
The Lord said: Let there be water!
The Lord said: Turn on the font!
The Lord said: Let ye be what ye want!
Our troubles are over!
Our troubles are over!
Praise the Lord!
Look upon the gift and lift up your chin now!
CORA
Look upon the boom no room at the inn now!
ALL
Glory Hallelu
Our problems are through
And thank you, Lord!
Thank you, Lord!
CORA
They love me!
There Wont Be Trumpets
FAY
Those smug little men with their smug little schemes

They forgot one thing:


The play isnt over by a long shot yet!
There are heroes in the world
Princes are heroes in the world
And one of them will save us
Wait and see!
Wait and see!
There wont be trumpets or bolts of fire
To say hes coming
No Roman candles, no angels choir
No sound of distant drumming
He may not be the cavalier
Tall and graceful, fair and strong
Doesnt matter, just as long as he comes along!
But not with trumpets or lightning flashing
Or shining armour
He maybe daring, he may be dashing
Or maybe hes a farmer
We can wait, whats another day?
He has lots of hills to climb
And a hero
Doesnt come till the nick of time!
Dont look for trumpets or whistles tooting
To guarantee him!
There wont be trumpets, but sure as shooting
Youll know him when you see him!
Dont know when, dont know where
And I cant even say that I care!
All I know is, the minute you turn
And hes suddenly there
There wont be trumpets!
There are no trumpets!
Who needs trumpets?
Simple (Part 1)
HAPGOOD
Grass is green
Sky is blue
False is false and
True is true
Who is who?
You are you
Im me!
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC
Simple as one-two-three!
SCHUB
But who on that line is what?
HAPGOOD

One is one
Two is two
Who is what and
Which is who?
No ones always what they seem to be
CORA
Thats certainly true
HAPGOOD
For example you sir, with the manly good looks. Would you come forward
please, Mr. Hapgood?
SCHUB
I thought you were Hapgood
HAPGOOD
Calling the patient by my name, he identifies with me immediately, we have an
instant transference and thereby save five years of psychoanalyses
CORA
Now that is brilliant! Now what happens if I call you Hoover Hooper?
HAPGOOD
Shall we dance? No, we have. Now then, Mr. Hapgood
GEORGE
Call me Happy, sir. Or George
HAPGOOD
All right, Georgie
GEORGE
Thank you, George
HAPGOOD
Thank you. Now when we were a child, that is, when you were a child, a boy
you were a boy?
GEORGE
I was a manly little fellow, sir
HAPGOOD
Then Im sure there was a saying you learned that you have used ever since to
govern your life. A motto, a watchcry
GEORGE
A watchcry yes, sir
I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul
HAPGOOD
Good, Hapgood! Now then: married?

GEORGE
Yes, sir
HAPGOOD
Two children?
GEORGE
Yes, sir
HAPGOOD
Two TV sets?
GEORGE
Yes, sir
HAPGOOD
Two martinis?
GEORGE
Yes, sir
HAPGOOD
Bank on Friday?
GEORGE
Yes, sir
HAPGOOD
Golf on Saturday?
GEORGE
Yes, sir
HAPGOOD
Church on Sunday?
GEORGE
Yes, sir
HAPGOOD
Do you vote?
GEORGE
Yes, sir
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who
HAPGOOD
All right. Headaches?
GEORGE
No, sir

HAPGOOD
Backaches?
GEORGE
No, sir
HAPGOOD
Heartaches?
GEORGE
No, sir
HAPGOOD
Thank, you, Hapgood. Group A. Over there, please
SCHUB
Whats Group A?
CORA
Obviously mad as a hatter
SCHUB
Magruder! Place the Cookie under arrest
HAPGOOD
Just a moment here. George do you ever wonder whether youre real?
GEORGE
Oh, so, sir. I know Im not
HAPGOOD
Group one. Over there, please
Green is green
Sky is blue
Safe is sane and
Tired is true
You be you and me to some degree
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC
CORA
Well, is he safe or sane, Doctor?
SCHUB
Safe is sane
HAPGOOD
Not always
The opposite of safe is out
The opposite of out is in
So anyone whos safe is in
GEORGE
That Ive always been!

CORA, SCHUB, COOLEY & MAGRUDER


The opposite of safe is out
The opposite of out is in
So anyone whos safe is in
HAPGOOD
Thats how groups begin!
CORA
When youre in, you win!
HAPGOOD
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC
CORA
Simple? Simple? Simple?
HAPGOOD
Simple as do you do like me?
CORA
Well, I do indeed like you. The question is
SCHUB
The question is just a moment there
GEORGE
I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul
But my name isnt George, Doctor
HAPGOOD
What is it?
GEORGE
Hapgood
HAPGOOD
Very good. Group A. Right here, please
SCHUB
What is it?
CORA
I dont know, but its brilliant
SCHUB
But which which just which group is what?
HAPGOOD
Its very simple
Grass is green

Sky is blue
A is one group
One is too
One is one or one is A, you see
CORA
Grass is green
Sky is blue
One is one and
A is too
SCHUB
No. A is one and
One is, too
CORA
No. One is one
Is always two
To me!
I dont agree!
A is you and
Me!

COOLEY

MAGRUDER

SCHUB

No. One is green


A is blue
One can be
In A, you see
A is crazy!
Maybe

No. A is green
One is blue!
A is out and
One is in!
I agree

No. One is one


A is one group
Too
See?

JUNE
AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaWomans place is in the house
JOHN
A womans place is in the house
JUNE
And home is where you hang your hat
JOHN
And that is where you hang your spouse
JUNE
A womans place is in the home
HAPGOOD
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hapgood
JUNE
Oh, were not married, Doctor. Hes June and Im John. I mean shes John and hes
June
JOHN
June and John are engaged
JUNE
Johns my secretary
JOHN

June used to be my secretary but his corporation went bust


JUNE
And her cyndicate took over
HAPGOOD
Well, it would all be in the family if you got married
JOHN
Oh, but John cant support June
JUNE
Every cent John makes goes to pay for Junes dinners
HAPGOOD
Why doesnt June give John a raise?
JUNE
Hes not worth it
HAPGOOD
I see. And neither of you wants John to stay home and do the housekeeping
because
JOHN & JUNE
Because
JOHN, JUNE & HAPGOOD
A womans place is in the home
A womans place is on the shelf
And home is where he hangs her hat
And that is where she hangs himself
CORA & SCHUB
Group
HAPGOOD
A
SCHUB
Magruder!
HAPGOOD
One
ALL [Simultaneously]
A womans place is in the home, a womans place is in the house
Im the master of my fate and the captain of my soul
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
"Beauty is only skin deep."
You can't make a silk purse out on a sow's ear."
"Fly now, pay later."
Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies."


"Handsome is as handsome does."
"You always hurt the one you love."
"Seeing is believing."
SCHUB
Stop the music! A man crossed over
HAPGOOD
That was a woman
SCHUB
Oh
CORA
Group one. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SCHUB
Now wait. Are they all Cookies? If you could produce someone who is sane,
present company excluded, of course
HAPGOOD
Ah good lad, Hapgood
Watchcry?
MARTIN
You cant judge a book by its cover
No, you cant judge a book by its cover
You cant judge a book
By how literate it look
No, you cant judge a book by its cubber
HAPGOOD
Occupation?
MARTIN
Going to schools, riding in buses, eating in restaurants
HAPGOOD
Isnt that line of work getting rather easy?
MARTIN
Not for me. Im Jewish Group A, would you say?
HAPGOOD
Group ones more fun
MARTIN
Crazy
CORA
Group A?
SCHUB

Group one?
CORA
Its maddening
SCHUB
Whats the difference between them?
HAPGOOD
Its obvious:
The opposite of dark is bright
The opposite of bright is dumb
So anything thats dark is dumb
MARTIN
But they sure can hum
The opposite of dark is bright
The opposite of bright is dumb
HAPGOOD & COMPANY
So anything thats dark is dumb
Thats the rule of thumb
MARTIN
Depends where youre from
HAPGOOD
Simple? Simple? Simple?
COMPANY
Simple as A-B-C
HAPGOOD
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as NAACP!
MAN
I get the point, Comptroller Hapgood
SCHUB
Oh, shut up and get in Group A
CORA
Whos that?
SCHUB
Its my brother-in-law
CORA
But hes not a Pilgrim And hes not a Cookie Hapgood, what was he doing on
the line?
HAPGOOD
Who is what?

Which is who?
That is that and
How are you?
I feel fine, what else is new?
SCHUB
Oh Every fool wants a miracle
Hapgood
CORA
Who is on the line?
SCHUB
Doctor, you are not doing what we want you to do!
CORA
You are right! Now look here
Hapgood Darling
Grass is green
Sky is blue
Id join any group with you
Schubs a boob and you belong to me
COMPANY
Simple? Simple?
CORA
Simple as one-two-three
One-two-three
CROWD
Doctor, what am I in?
Where do I belong?
Where am I?
Tell me where am I!
Where am I?
SCHUB
Doctor Group A: Cookies? Or group one: cookies?
The truth now which is what?
HAPGOOD
Watchcry!
GROUP A [Simultaneously]
I am the master of my fate and
A womans place is in the
If at first you dont succeed
HAPGOOD
Rub your stomachs! Goo-ood Goo-ood
Watchcry!
GROUP ONE [Simultaneously]

I am the master of my fate and


A womans place is in the
Beauty is only skin
HAPGOOD
Put your heads, hello! Hello! Goo-ood Hello! Hello!
Reverse! Goo-ood Hello! Hello! Thats gooood
Gooood Gooood Comptroller
SCHUB
Dammit!
CORA
I adore games!
HAPGOOD
Watchcry!
CORA
Hello!
SCHUB
Hes boring from within
HAPGOOD
Watchcry!
SCHUB
Communist!
HAPGOOD
You would say that
The opposite of left is right
The opposite of right is wrong
So anyone whos left is wrong, right?
CROWD
Gooood Gooood
HAPGOOD
Hello!
CROWD
Hello!
HAPGOOD
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC
Simple as one-two-three
COMPANY
Cheers for the red, white and blue
HAPGOOD

Watchcry!
MAGRUDER
Look here Im the chief of
HAPGOOD
Watchcry!
MAGRUDER
Ours not to reason why
Ours but to do or die
Sergeant Magruder reporting, sir!
HAPGOOD
Occupation?
MAGRUDER
Fighting the enemy
HAPGOOD
What enemy?
MAGRUDER
What year?
HAPGOOD
Yesterday
MAGRUDER
The Germans: Heil!
HAPGOOD
The day before
MAGRUDER
The Germans: Heil!
HAPGOOD
Today
MAGRUDER
The Germans: Heil!
HAPGOOD
Tomorrow
MAGRUDER
Hail! Heil! Hail? Heil? Hail?
HAPGOOD
Group A
MAGRUDER
Heil?

HAPGOOD
Group one
COOLEY
Youre just making him seem crazy, but hes twisted
I mean hes been twisted
HAPGOOD
Grass is blue
Sky is green
Change of time is change of scene
What you meant is what you mean
Watchcry!
COOLEY
Hallelujah!
No, I mean now, brother
HAPGOOD
Occupation
COOLEY
Preacher er, I mean, Treasurer
HAPGOOD
Ah, you were a preacher, Hapgood
COOLEY
No, Im a treasurer, Cooley
HAPGOOD
They threw you out of your pulpit
COOLEY
Yeah Brother!
HAPGOOD
Because you were crazy
COOLEY
No, because I believed!
HAPGOOD
In being treasurer?
COOLEY
In God, and they only believed in religion
HAPGOOD
And that made you crazy, Hapgood
COOLEY
I am not crazy, Cooley!

HAPGOOD
No, youre crazy, Hapgood!
COOLEY
I am not Cooley, I mean No, I am not crazy
Simple (Part 2)
COOLEY
Im Hapgood!
HAPGOOD
Are you sure?
COOLEY
I am absolutely Schub!
SCHUB
Hes crazy!
HAPGOOD
Thank you. Group A. Watchcry!
Watchcry!
GROUP ONE & GROUP A [Simultaneously]
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"Beauty is only skin deep..."
"Never look a gift horse in the -"
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no -"
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of -"
"Seeing is believing. Seeing is believing!"
"You can fool some of the people-"
"An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor-"
"Ours not to reason why, ours but to do or die..."
SCHUB
I dont have one, Cooley!
HAPGOOD
Aha
SCHUB
Hapgood, we are going to end this right now. My dear Treasurer, I mean, my dear
Doctor dammit! Now. Right now: which group is
HAPGOOD
Two questions
SCHUB
One answer
HAPGOOD

Just two little questions, Schub, and youll know which group is what
Where does most of your money go?
SCHUB
I hardly think
HAPGOOD
Where does most of your money go, Hapgood?
SCHUB
In taxes
HAPGOOD
Gooood What do you think of someone who makes a product and doesnt use
it
SCHUB
Hes crazy
HAPGOOD
Hello! Hello!
CROWD
Hello! Hello!
HAPGOOD
Most of your money goes to the government in taxes
What does the government do with most of the money?
Makes bombs. Reverse!
Gooood Hello! Hello!
COMPANY
Hello! Hello!
HAPGOOD
But you say to make a product and not use it is crazy
Isnt that what you said, Comptroller Cooley?
And that doesnt make you crazy for letting them waste your money, Treasurer
Schub?
Reverse! But perhaps the government is making bombs because it means to use
the product
Which means everyone will be killed, Hapgood. Including you, Schub
Both together now! Which means you are paying most of your money to have
yourself killed
Which means, my dear Doctor Comptroller Mayor Schub, you are the maddest of
all
HAPGOOD
Watchcry!
SCHUB
Help!
HAPGOOD

Watchcry!
CORA
Brilliant!
HAPGOOD
Watchcry!
BOTH GROUPS
Grass is green
Sky is blue
The opposite of left is right
The opposite of right is wrong
So anyone who's left is wrong
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-three
Simple as one-two-C
As grass is green
As sky is blue
As simple as the opposite of left is right
Is wrong is right is A is One
Is A is One hello! Hello! Goo-od! Goo-od!
A is one! One is A!
Grass is who is opposite of what is green is safe is
Opposite of dark is opposite of simple which is
Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry!
One is one! Two is too!
Who is what and which is who?
Who is what? Which is who?
Which is who is who?
Who is who?
HAPGOOD
You are all mad!
Come Play Wiz Me
FAY
Docteur, Docteur, vous tes charmant
HAPGOOD
Mademoiselle, vous aussi
FAY
You like my hair, yes? My lips, yes?
Ze sway of my how you say? Of my hips, yes?
You wish to play wiz me?
Okay wiz me
Come out and play wiz me
HAPGOOD
Mademoiselle, vous tes jolie
FAY

Docteur, Docteur, si gentil


You like my style, yes? My brand, yes?
Ze lay of my how you say? Of my land, yes?
You wish to play wiz me?
To stray wiz me
Come out and play wiz me
HAPGOOD
Mademoiselle, vous tes timide
FAY
Docteur, Docteur, youre so right
I like your how you say?
Imperturbable perspicacity
It isnt how you say, its what you see!
We have ze lark, yes? Ze fling, yes?
Ze play is ze how you say? Is the thing, yes?
If you will play wiz me
Mon cheri
Though we may not agree
Today
In time
Mais oui!
We may
HAPGOOD
I like your hair
FAY
Yes?
HAPGOOD
Your lips
FAY
Yes?
HAPGOOD
Ze sway of your how you say? Of your hips, yes?
FAY
Yes?
HAPGOOD
Come up and play wiz me
FAY
Come out and play wiz me
FAY & HAPGOOD
Come on and play wiz me
FAY
Docteur, Docteur, lets play, Docteur

HAPGOOD
Mademoiselle, youre not well!
But I like your style
FAY
Yes?
HAPGOOD
Your brand
FAY
Yes?
HAPGOOD
Ze lay of your how you say? Of your land
FAY
Yes?
HAPGOOD
I like your how you say?
Unmistakable authenticity!
It isnt how you say, its what I see!
FAY & HAPGOOD
We have ze lark, yes? Ze fling, yes?
Ze play is ze how you say? Is the thing, yes?
If you will play wiz me
Mon cheri
Though we may not agree
Today
In time
Mais oui!
HAPGOOD
We may
FAY
Maybe
HAPGOOD
B?b?
FAY
Mais oui!
FAY & HAPGOOD
We may!
Anyone Can Whistle
FAY
Anyone can whistle

Thats what they say


Easy
Anyone can whistle
Any old day
Easy
Its all so simple
Relax, let go, let fly
So someone tell me why
Cant I?
I can dance a tango
I can read Greek
Easy
I can slay a dragon
Any old week
Easy
Whats hard is simple
Whats natural comes hard
Maybe you could show me
How to let go
Lower my guard
Learn to be free
Maybe if you whistle
Whistle for me
I can slay a dragon
Any old week
Easy
Whats hard is simple
Whats natural comes hard
Maybe you could show me
How to let go
Lower my guard
Learn to be free
Maybe if you whistle
Whistle for me
Theres a Parade in Town
CORA
Hi! Hey! Wait! Voters!
I see flags, I hear bells
Theres a parade in town
I see crowds, I hear yells
Theres a parade in town
I hear drums in the air
I see clowns in the square
I see marchers marching
Tossing hats at the sky
Did you hear? Did you see?
Is a parade in town?
Well, theyre out of step, the flutes are squeaky
The banners are frayed
Any parade in town without me
Must be a second-class parade

So! Ha!
BOTH GROUPS
Hapgood has no answers or suggestions
Only a lot of questions
We like questions
Whats the use of answers or suggestions?
As long as were told where to go
There isnt a thing we need to know!
CORA
I see flags, I hear bells
Theres a parade in town
I see crowds, I hear yells
Theres a parade in town
I hear drums in the air
I see clowns in the square
I see marchers marching
Tossing hats at the sky
Did you hear? Did you see?
Was a parade in town?
Cause Im dressed at last
At my best, and my banners are high
Tell me, while I was getting ready
Did a parade go by?
Everybody Says Dont
HAPGOOD
Everybody says dont
Everybody says dont
Everybody says dont
It isnt right
Dont it isnt nice!
Everybody says dont
Everybody says dont
Everybody says dont walk on the grass
Dont disturb the peace
Dont skate on the ice
Well, I say
Do I say
Walk on the grass, it was meant to feel!
I say sail!
Tilt at the windmill
And if you fail, you fail
Everybody says dont
Everybody says dont
Everybody says dont get out of line
When they say that, then
Lady thats a sign
Nine times out of ten
Lady, you are doing just fine!
Make just a ripple

Come on be brave
This time a ripple
Next time a wave
Sometimes you have to start small
Climbing the tiniest wall
Maybe youre going to fall
But it is better than not starting at all
Everybody says no
Everybody says stop
Everybody says mustnt rock the boat
Mustnt touch a thing
Everybody says dont
Everybody says wait
Everybody says cant fight city hall
Cant upset the cart
Cant laugh at the king!
Well, I say try!
I say
Laugh at the kings or theyll make you cry
Lose your poise!
Fall if you have to
But lady, make a noise!
Everybody says dont
Everybody says cant
Everybody says wait around for miracles
Thats the way the world is made
I insist on
Miracles, if you do them
Miracles nothing to them!
I say dont
Dont be afraid!
Ive Got You to Lean On
SCHUB
Now why did the miracle go dry?
MAGRUDER
Cause we turned the water off, is why
CORA
Idiot!
SCHUB
Fool!
COOLEY
Oaf!
SCHUB
Moron!
CORA
Idiot!

SCHUB
Dolt!
CORA
Idiot!
SCHUB
We didnt turn it off, you see
Cause we didnt turn it on, not we
MAGRUDER
Who did?
SCHUB
He did
CORA
He did?
COOLEY
He did
MAGRUDER
You did
SCHUB
He did!
ALL
Just what we needed!
Just what we needed!
SCHUB
Now, why did he turn it off so quick?
A sign that our little town is sick
CORA
Brilliant!
COOLEY
Clever!
MAGRUDER
Good!
CORA
Brilliant!
MAGRUDER
Brilliant!
COOLEY
Brilliant!

SCHUB
Sick people running wild, no less
And who is responsible?
One guess
MAGRUDER
Who?
CORA
Doctor Hapgood
COOLEY
Doctor Hapgood
ALL
Hallelujah, Brother, cheers and acclaim!
Hallelujah, weve got someone to blame!
Hallelujah, praise the Lord and amen!
CORA
Schub, youve done it again!
Whenever my world falls apart
I never lose hope or lose heart
Whatever the form
Of the storm
That may brew
Ive got you to lean on
When everythings hopelessly gray
Youll notice Im youthfully gay!
There isnt a sing
Le great thing
I cant do
Not with you to lean on
Darling you!
With you to depend on, Ill never quit
There isnt a murder I couldnt commit
I feel like a lovely girl of twenty-two
Ive got you to lean on!
SCHUB
Ive got you to lean on!
COOLEY
Ive got you to lean on!
MAGRUDER
Ive got
SCHUB
Now, what shall we label him, my friends?
A phrase that rabble comprehends
COOLEY

Religious pervert
MAGRUDER
Brilliant!
SCHUB
Terrible!
SCHUB
Idiot!
A phrase with a little more finesse
Obscene but inspiring
Ah, yes
MAGRUDER
Yes?
SCHUB
Enemy of heaven
CORA
Heaven
MAGRUDER
Heaven
COOLEY
Heaven!
ALL
Heaven!
COOLEY
Enemy of God!
Enemy of the church!
OTHERS
Enemy of
Enemy of
Enemy of
Enemy of
Enemy of

heaven!
God!
the church!
the Pilgrims!
heaven!

ALL
Hallelujah, all our problems are through!
Hallelujah, thats what framework can do!
Hallelujah, Brothers, pull on the oars!
CORA
Schub, my kingdom is yours
Whenever my world falls to dust
Ive always got someone to trust
Whatever the sort
Of support

That I need
Ive got you to lean on
MEN
When everythings hollow and black
Youll always have us at your back
No matter how hollow
Well follow
Your lead
And with us to lean on, well succeed!
CORA
What comfort it is to have always known
That if they should catch me, I wont go alone
Ill always give credit!
Where credit is due
Ive got you to lean on!
MEN
Ive got you to lean on!
CORA
Ive got you to lean on!
See What It Gets You
FAY
Take one step
And see what it gets you
See what it gets you
See what it gets you
One step up
And see how it gets you down
Give yourself
If somebody lets you
See what it gets you
See what it gets you
Give yourself
And somebody lets you down
Heres how to crawl
Now, run, lady!
Heres how to walk
Now fly!
Heres how to feel have fun, lady
And a fond goodbye!
Reach out your hand
And see what it gets you
See what it gets you
See what it gets you
Trouble is, whatever it gets
You find that once you see
You cant stay blind
What do I do now
Now that my eyes are wide?

But when the world goes mad


Then theyve got to be shown
And when the hero quits
Then youre left on your own
And when you want things done
You have to do them yourself alone!
And if Im not ready
And light-hearted
I cant stand here dumb
So, ready or not, here I hope I come
Anyone can whistle
Thats what they say
Easy
Anyone can whistle
Any old day
Easy
Its all so simple: relax, let go, let fly
And someone tell me, why cant I?
Whistle at the dragon: down itll fall
Easy
Whistle at a hero, trumpets and all
Easy
Just once Ill do it
Just once before I die
Lead me to the battle
What does it take?
Over the top!
Joan at the stake!
Anyone can whistle
Well, no one can say
I didnt try!
The Cookie Chase
CORA
Lock em up! Put em away
In the jar!
Time to start getting the nets out!
Lock em up!
Into the cage!
Quietly: no one must know
Cart em of into the bin
Turn the key
Quick before anyone gets out
Turn the key, throw it away
There we are, forty-eight to go!
Detmold! Check in your patients
DETMOLD
Yes, your honor? Your name, Madame?
OLD LADY

This doesnt fit. Its much too big, I wear a size three well, maybe a four
DETMOLD
Did you always hate your father?
CORA
Detmold, arrest her and convict her later. There is really only one question that
needs answering:
Are they breathing? Then theyre cookies
Are they moving? Then theyre cookies
Are they living? Then theyre cookies
So get on with it! Quick, get on with it!
Are they human? Then theyre cookies
So shut up, my dear Doctor, and shut up her too!
Lookie, lookie, here comes Cookie
Now
Naughty Cookie, playing hookey
That we dont allow
Cigarette?
Light?
Thanks
Get them
You take the key, my love
Im too exhausted to move!
Music, I must have music
A moments music or my head will burst
I know youll meet the test
Youve been well rehearsed
Do your best
(Meaning do your worst)
Let me rest
And remember, Schubchen
Women and children first!
CORA, SCHUB, COOLEY & MAGRUDER
Hmm
Lock em up! Put em away!
In the jar
Time to start getting the nets out!
Lock em up!
Into the cage!
Quietly: no one must know
QUARTET & COMPANY
Lock 'em up! Put 'em away
In the Jar!
Time to start getting the nets out!
Lock 'em up!
Into the cage!
Quietly: no one must know.
Cart 'em of into the bin,
Turn the key.
Quick before anyone gets out!
Turn the key, throw it away,

There we are. Forty-two to go!


FAY
Ooh, la, la. Monsieur Schub
SCHUB
Not yet gone back to Lourdes yet?
FAY
Non
SCHUB
Pourquoi pas?
FAY
Pourquoi you hold ze key to my heart
With So Little to Be Sure Of
HAPGOOD
With so little to be sure of
If theres anything at all
If theres anything at all
Im sure of here and now and us together
All Ill ever be I owe you
If theres anything to be
Being sure enough of you
Makes me sure enough of me
Thanks for everything we did
Everything thats past
Everythings thats over too fast
None of it was wasted
All of it will last
Everything thats here and now and us together
It was marvellous to know you
And it isnt really through
Crazy business this, this life we live in
Cant complain about the time were given
With so little to be sure of in this world
We had a moment
A marvellous moment
FAY
A marvellous moment!
A beautiful time
I need you more than I can say
I need you more than just today
I guess I need you more than you need me
And yet Im happy
All Ill ever be I owe you
HAPGOOD
The more I memorize your face

FAY
If theres anything to be
HAPGOOD
The more I never want to leave
FAY
Being sure enough of you
Made me sure enough of me
HAPGOOD
Come with me, Fay
FAY
Thanks for everything we did
Everything thats past
Everything thats over
Too fast
None of it was wasted

HAPGOOD
Theres more to love
In me right now
Than all the bit of love
Ive known before
None of it was wasted

All of it will last


All of it will last
HAPGOOD & FAY
Everything that's here and now and us together!
It was marvellous to know you
And it's never really through
Crazy business this, this life we live in
Can't complain about the time we're given
With so little to be sure of in this world
FAY
Hold me
Hold me

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