SENIOR SKIT

DRAFT 3
*The ending needs some work

**
The workers begin to come out with brooms all mopey-faced, and start to hum the tune to
"Canaan Days."
**

WORKERS
Do you remember those good years as freshman…
The Seniors were ever so old…
We built sets with the wonderful Captain…
And Mr. Ortmann was slightly less old…

We strode down 1600 hall together…

And soon we were calling it home…
We haven’t left since freshman year…
You could say that we are this bit queer…(David queer-ly says “Oh, stop it!”)
And now it is the time to say goodbye…

Those freshman days, we used to know?

Where have they gone?
Where DIIIIIIIIIIIIID they go…
Eh bien. Are you ready?
For…the senior skit.

LONE WORKER
Look ho! It's today's first guests!

ANOTHER WORKER
And they have children!

**
Frenzy ensues as the workers proceed to reach their proper places
**

**
A sole worker comes out to set up four chairs. He brings the first one out, and faces
it away from the rest of the crowd. He peers at it, examines it, and taps it to get it
in the right (adverse) position. He goes off to get another chair. Another worker comes
out and sees this chair mishap, peers off to see if the worker is approaching, and
swiftly turns the chair around. The first worker returns just as the other worker
leaves, and the whole thing repeats until all the chairs are out. The first worker
looks fulfilled and ready for action, while the other worker sighs and walks off
shaking his head.
**

**
A family approaches. There's Grandpa, the manic-depressive Jew of a mother, the openly
gay father, Annalina (a set of siamese twins), and little Jason, whose Bar Mitzvah is
coming up. Their guide, OTHARVINSEPH Welsh, is perching himself above them, and looking
down grimly
**

ANNALINA
Oh goody, we're here!

JASON
But how ever will we navigate the exhibit without a guide?

MOTHER
Don't worry, honey. I'm sure there's someone out there; someone who will show us the
way. (Loudly) Just like when we took Grandpa to the train museum!

GRANDPA
Oh, Jason, you should've been there, yes you should've been there!

**
Silence as Grandpa drifts his focus away
**

ANNALINA
We still see no guide

**
OTHARVINSEPH Welsh's face goes sour. He leaps off of wherever he was perched and lands
right in front of the family extremely ungracefully. One of the workers notices and
gasps loudly.
**

FATHER
Oh my lord, are you alright?

**
OTHARVINSEPH Welsh pops up, straightens his tie, shakes his head, and leans towards the
family with a smile so happy it's scary
**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH (fast; deliberately screwing up pronunciation)

Good day to you sir, and you madam, and you sir, and you madams, and you little man.
But enough with the small talk its time to take you on a rapturous journey through the
whimsical 2007-2008 Theatrical Season exhibit. But I digress, as I have forgotten to
introduce myself. (he slows down) Me name's OTHARVINSEPH Welsh.

FATHER
Excuse me?

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH
Yes, that is my name, and this is the exhibit we're going to, so let bygones be bygones
and folllllllloooooooooooow me!

**
OTHARVINSEPH Welsh takes the family into the seating area. First, they approach Neil
Codell's table
**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH
Here's our grand poobah, Mr. Neil Codell. He's a crochety old man who's very long
winded. We have forbidden him from speaking in public.

**

He then takes the family over to Martin Hanna's table

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH
Here's the museum's newest intern, Mr. Martin Hanna. He's been doing superbly, except
for his fatal flaw

JASON

What is it?

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH (grimly)

We all hate him

**
OTHARVINSEPH Welsh snaps his fingers, and two random seniors run over with rolls of
scotch tape, and proceed to tape Martin to his chair.
**

**

O.W. takes the family back over to Mr. Ortmann's table

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

And now here is Mr. Ortmann. (silence) Moving on.

**

O.W. takes the family back over to the main area

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Now that we've introduced you to some of our family, let's begin our adventure through
the exhibit

FAMILY

Yay!
OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Our adventure begins in beautiful Galway, Ireland

**

A man dressed as a compass pointing west appears, and he's sniffling

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

...where the west's pretty lonesome...

**

Several people come out with bottles in their hands

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

...everyone is drunk...

**

More come out without bottles looking depressed

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

...and when people are sad, they don't cry.

**

The depressed people begin to moan

**

OTHELLVINSSEPH WELSH
They moan.

**

A chain reaction occurs. One guy decides to fight another, and that escalates into a
good old Irish brawl

**

**

O,W. takes the family and gets them away from the fight

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Let's move on to New York City, 1981. A place where everyone sings their problems away.
A land of Japanese Jewish boys, and gay African American Jewish unfaithful men! A land
of falsettos, if you will

JASON

This guy's clever. I wanna be just like him!

FATHER

Way to aim low, sport!

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Would you look at that, it appears that there's a passover seder set up! With just
enough chairs for you guys!

JASON

Cool, an interactive exhibit!

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Come on now, 1, 2, 3, Day-day-enu...

**

A family sits down for their passover seder. They start to sing Dayenu very gleefully.
One of the men decides to eat some Gefilte Fish while they're singing, and he starts to
choke. While he is choking, he does the end dance to "everyone hates his parents," and
after he finishes dancing, he falls into the arms of the people at the table

**

**

Someone dressed like William Finn, with green sweater and yellow crocks, approaches

**

FATHER

Who's that man with the yellow feet?

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

It's the mayor of Falsettoland, Mr. William Finn! Hey, why are you leaving so soon?

FINN

Sailing.

**

Finn skips away

**

FATHER

Figures.

MOTHER

What do you mean "figures?"

FATHER (nerviously)

I mean..I would assume that's what he does...he seems like that kinda guy...

MOTHER

Oh my lord. I'm trapped in a loveless marriage in a museum exhibit where everyone sees
and I'm with my near-deaf father and my gay hus-(cut off)

**

She starts singing "holding to the ground" as the family goes away without her.
Annalina ends up entangling her in their siamese-ness

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Let's keep it moving now. Oh, it looks like our singing janitor is coming our way!

JASON

What does he sing?

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

See, he takes whatever you are saying at the moment, and calls up the song with the
same lyrics in his head, though I've been really trying to get him to sto-(cut off)

SINGING JANITOR

I've been really trying baby,

trying to hold back this feelin,

for soooooooo long

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Moving on now!
SINGING JANITOR

We be movin' on up

MOOOOOVIN ON UP

to the east side-(he walks away as the family walks away)

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Now, family, let's travel back in time. To the 20s!

GRANDPA

Oh, the roarin' 20s. You should've been there, yes, you should've been there!

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Um, yes. Well, let's look at how they behaved back then!

**

A male and female maid appear. They are very clearly white.

**

FEMALE MAID

Hey donald!

MALE MAID

Wuzzup, sista?

FEMALE MAID

Get a load of this!

**
O.W. swiftly gets the family away from the flatulence
**

ANNALINA

Why did you show us this?

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

To show how far we've come as a race in 80 years

GRANDPA

Oh yes, you should've be-(cut off)

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Moving on! Ahem, we are now off to our Forgetful Roman Section

FATHER

Forgetful Roman? I'm Italian and I don't have a bad memory!

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

That might be the case, but during a performance of Miles Gloriosus, a classical Roman
play, we discovered that Pyrgopolynices, our fair braggart soldier, had a bit of a
memory problem

MOTHER

What an astounding archeological discovery

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Wait, here he is now!

PYRGOPOLYNICES
(off) Look lively, shine up that shield! (walks towards family) Ah, what ho there! My
name is....um...excuse me (he walks off)

JASON

Astounding, and so historical

ANNALINA

We're enlightened!

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Now let's move on to our unfinished exhibit on Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor
Dreamcoat

GRANDPA

Oh, the days of the prophets! You should've be--(cut off)

**

The "tapers" come out to tape grandpa's mouth closed

**

MOTHER

Unfinished?

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Some of our special effects have been misbehaving, and we've had a
few...accidents...we've had to hire some new actors

NEW ACTOR

Mr. Walsh?
OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Welsh.

NEW ACTOR

Yeah, well, here I say "go go go Joseph you know what they say..."

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Yes, and?

NEW ACTOR

Well, what is my motivation here?

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

...to have fun. You're dancing.

**

NEW ACTOR looks deep into script and walks away, contemplating

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Off to Venice it is! Listen closely and you might even be able to pick up their
vernacular!

**

Two italian men are walking with papers in their hands and yelling at each other.
Another set of men are walking in the opposite direction. They bump into the first
group, and the papers fall out of one of their hands

**

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE MAN

Oh Bloody Periodo!

ITALIAN BUMPING MAN (apologetically)

Oh, oh bloody periodo.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE MAN

Oh bloody periodo!!!!!!

**

They begin to argue in faux-Italian

**

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

And that concludes our tour!

JASON

Wow, mom and dad, this was the bestest possible way to spend the day before my Bar
Mitzvah!

**

Grandpa rips the tape off of his face

**

GRANDPA

Oh, my Bar Mitzvah! But not as good as my commencement! You should've been there!

OTHARVINSEPH WELSH

Oh, gramps, I don't doubt that at all

**

Everyone comes out

**

ENSEMBLE

This is the year of leaving our high school,

And it's the end of our senior skit,

This is the time of the year when we say our good-byes,

There's music in our hearts,

It's time for us to part,

No one'll remember days with mods...

SOMEONE

Guys, that just isn't working. Just say it.

ALL

Mods.