The Last Word

Issue #502

August 2016

I almost appeared on Judge Mathis

As you know, I sued someone plumb-bob to court. As you might not know, I finally won a settlement in
this casealbeit incomplete.
But did you know I almost got to appear on the popular and intelligent court show Judge Mathis starring
Judge Greg Mathis, for whom Judge Mathis is named? You bet your bizcream! After I filed the case, the FedEx
bloke brang an envelope containing a letter from an associate producer of Judge Mathiss Judge Mathis saying
they wanted to feature my case...

I have no idea why they sent the letter by FedEx instead of mailing it. Its not like a giant tarantula was
going to pop out of the mailbox or something.

Before I could call the Judge Mathis people, they called me. I told them I might be willing to be appear.
After all, Id get a free trip to Chicagoand if I won my case, Id be guaranteed to receive my money instead of
worrying about the defendants not paying upso why not? Because it bips. No, seriously, the real reason I didnt
appear on the show was either that the defendants didnt want to appear, or the show couldnt get hold of them.
After our local court sat on my lawsuit for months and I was forced to have one of the defendants served
twice, I received another Judge Mathis letter like that.
But my case was settled in the regular court. The main defendant didnt show up for court, but the second
defendant did, and he threw in the towel right away because he had no defense for enabling bounced checks to be
written on his accountso I won that part of my claim hands-down. I bet he contacted a lawyer, and I bet the
lawyer told him he had no defense for that.
The parts of the case I didnt win included (among other things) the fees the bank charged me for being
the victim of bounced checks (since that was considered the banks fault) and the service fees from other counties
(since the county isnt responsible for other counties fees). Oh, Ill recoup itjust not from the defendants in this
case. Itll be tougher, but I have ways of making that happen. Theres enough blame to go around, and the biggest
culprits are criminal gangs like the Tea Party that have preyed on the community. I dont plan to sue organized
crime rackets like the Tea Party. Instead, I will ruin them.
Quite frankly, I no longer know what to think about the defendants I sued. They are truly a riddle wrapped
in a mystery inside an enigma. They are without a doubt among the strangest people Ive ever met. That says a
lot: As an example of the weird people Ive encountered over the years, there was a slob in college who regularly
slopped salad dressing everywhere in the food court and insisted on borrowing my notebook so he could draw a
Ronald Reagan/Bill Clinton/Elvis Presley hybrid. Its hard to top that.
In addition, the case was botched at so many levels.
A clouded mind (theirs) begat a clouded court case.

Lawsuit soap opera will continue forever

Even
if
the
defendants in my lawsuit
come to their senses right this
minute and pay back every
penny I asked for, were
gonna be talking about this
case until the end of time. If
every mans a country in his
own right (as Sammy Hagar
would say), and schools have
a history class dedicated
solely to me, this lawsuit will
be
covered
extensively
hundreds of years from now.
Its not quite at the Brossart
level of significance, but
maybe the Guardian Angel
level. Everyone who knows
me knows I dont hold
grudges, but this isnt about a
grudge.
The
saga
has
continued even after my suit
was settledand its proof of
how
the
Tea
Party
deliberately fumbled the case.
Now it looks even worse for
the Tea Party than it already
didas if it wasnt already
bad enough.
Less than 2 weeks after the final court datewhen the main defendant had to be let off the hook because I
couldnt find hershe was finally arrested. Isnt it strange how they had 9 months to catch herand never caught
her until just after it became too late? Thats just way too much of a coincidence. Weirder yet, she was caught on

my birthdayas if the system was trying to rub my nose in it. This also lends credibility to a theory I had that the
Tea Party was actually setting her up to target me all along. It would make perfect sense that Team Tyranny would
try to bleed me dryin terms of both money and time.
Tea Party politicians had been interfering in the police investigation of the defendant from day one
because they dont want her suppliers to be caught. Now its clear they were also making an effort to make sure
my lawsuit couldnt be servedall because I exposed Tea Party corruption. Theres simply no other explanation
for waiting 9 months and then finally arresting the defendant right when it no longer mattered. Unlucky for the
Far Right, I knew where the second defendant works, so I could serve the papers on him. I dont think they were
counting on that.
(For what its worth, a Tea Party political candidate several years ago had his campaign office just a few
blocks from here, and heroin abuse in this part of town spiked shortly thereafter. They could have put the office
anywhere in a 20-county area. Why here? Was heroin being sold from this office, and did it fund the campaign?)
Remember, I didnt start this zine because authorities were competently fighting crime. The system shit in
their hat, so now they have to wear it.

Tea Party thug looks gift horse in mouth

The Mister Ed
theme sang, A horse is a
horse, of course, of course.
And a Campbell County
jury took the well-being of
horses seriouslyas it
should.
In our previous
edition, we told you that
one of the leading lights of
Tea Party fascism and
groupthink in northern
Kentucky was arrested on
felony charges of selling
opiates. All the planets
stood still. Toilets flushed
backwards. Boogers flew
back into noses.
Now hes finally
been jailed for his animal
cruelty case from back in
2013 in which he neglected
horses on his property. As it
turns out, a jury had
convicted him in 2014 and
sentenced him to 6 months
in jail. Butsuspiciously
he never actually served a
day. Furthermore, politicians swept under the rug the fact that he had even been convicted.
Until now. Now2 years after being convictedhes finally been ordered to the paholkey to serve his
sentence. After this happened, he said it was because Campbell County government is full of liberals who are
out to persecute conservatives. He actually said that.
He almost got out of having to serve time for a serious crime that a jury had convicted him ofyet he
complains that the county is persecuting him because of his right-wing views. Talk about looking a gift horse in
the mouth! He grumbles about persecution by liberals despite the fact that every county commissioner is a
Republican, and the county has a record going back decades of persecuting people for not having right-wing
views. You dont have to think very hard for an example. Does the incident at the Steely Dan Library ring a bell?
Locally and nationally, no political faction is persecuted more than the Left. To deny it is criminal.

Book em, Casey!

I miss the late Casey Kasem.
Best known as the host of American Top 40, the Case was also Krogo the Clown on Detroit television,
and he did voices like Shaggy of Scooby-Doo. He also had other roleslike in a 1974 episode of the police drama
Hawaii Five-O...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrMyl0VOQNQ
If youre like a vast majority of people, you think a poisonous rattlesnake will jump out of your computer
screen if you go on YouTube, so heres a synopsis of the video: The clip features a scene from Hawaii Five-O in
which the King of Countdowns has big sideburns and portrays an appliance store owner being forced to sell stolen
tape recorders. Caseys voice rises to an angry pitch as he tells the villain, You dont scare me, Colby! Its
always interesting to hear Casey Kasem get mad, since he always sounded so meek on his top 40 countdown
shows.
Best all, he was chewin bubble gum! He didnt bubble. But he was chewin bubble gum!

Internet whiners whine

This will go down in history as the year the Internet whined itself silly.
Have you noticed what a dumpster fire customer support websites have become? We knew support
forums for Google and Microsoft were hosed, but its not just them anymore. For some of us, life is a series of
projectsnot eventsand we project people download lots of useful programs. Inevitably, well encounter
serious bugs in some of these programs that could dash an entire project to smithereens at the drop of a face if
were not careful. So I calmly report these bugs on the support forum. Lately, however, my reports are usually met
with e-mails from some stick-in-the-poop saying my support question shouldnt be posted on a support forum
and that my question has been deleted.
Then were should I post it? The toilet?
Instead of answering my question, they lash out in the most pathetic way possible. They remind me of the
comic book store owner on The Simpsons.
These arent people who actually own the forums. Theyre just folks who think theyre smarter than
everyone else and built up credentials by giving bad support advice. Their credentials have given them permission

to delete posts from dum-dums like me.

And remember when Wikipedia used to be fun? Lately, the same type of fuddy-duddies has taken the fun
out of Wikipedia too. I dont mean when you make joke edits to Wikipedia entries and they get mad. What Im
talking about is when you make serious editsand they still get mad. In fact, these edits are central to
understanding the topic of the entry. Without them, the rest of the entry would make no sense to someone
unfamiliar with the subject. These days, these edits are invariably met with a response that starts, Please do not
add or change content ...
Its Wikipedia. Its meant to have content changed. Thats, like, the whole point of Wikipedia, man. Thats
what a wiki is. Its like all the right-wingers who dont understand that public schools are supposed to be, you
know, public.
It gets even worseif you can believe that. I was looking for support for a program that lets you save
YouTube videos. On its own, theres nothing wrong with that. I used this little progie-wogie to save one of my
own videos that was made with an outside website. It was my video, so I have the right to save and copy it. I
found a support forum for Windows 10 programs where a user of this program had the exact same support
question I had. Almost instantaneously, one of
the trusted credentialed types immediately
harangued this user for engaging in
discussion of piracy.
Uh, thats not piracy, stupid. Go look
up piracy in your Charlie Browns Cyclopedia.
Piracy would includeamong other things
the unauthorized distribution of copyrighted
videos. The program in question wasnt
pirated. If someone misuses the program to
download a copyrighted YouTube clip they
can easily buy elsewhere, thats too fucking
bad. Live with itlike an adult. If you dont
like it, sue the President of the Internet. People
misuse the comment feature on my YouTube
videos to talk about my famously horrible
teeth. Thats life. I dont go around crying that
there should be a law against the YouTube
comment feature.
As a result of this little temper
tantrum, the support question went
unanswered.
I thought screaming about piracy! where none existed went out in the 90sabout the same time false
accusations of spam! started. One of the reasons I stopped using the local computer bulletin board systems was
that I got tired of listening to crybabies accuse innocent people of pirating software. Not to mention the fact that
these whiners also mainstreamed other right-wing extremism before it was cool. One of these dour soreheads
did get busted for piracy himself, but that didnt silence the finger-pointing.
People, grow up.

One day, 60 k00ks00ts

I cant believe anyone got away with this.
On second thought, I can believe itsince theres no accountability for corporations.
In our May ish, I hemmed and hawed about the Kentucky legal system unfairly favoring Big Business.
Corporations were openly defying the regulation that limited them to filing 25 lawsuits per yearand judges
didnt seem to notice, since the lawsuits were spread just far enough apart. But theres no excuse whereupon
perchance whatsoever for what I discovered a few weeks ago.
I was browsing the court docket for a northern Kentucky county and noticed a certain for-profit debt
collection company had filed 60 lawsuits that were to be tried all on the same day!
If the judge didnt come down on hard on this firm for this caper, Ill be so mad that Ill just bubble. And I
literally will. In public!
It turns out that it isnt just any debt collector. Its one of Americas biggestif not the biggest. Other
jurisdictions have been tougher on them though. A few years ago, this company filed a frivolous suit against a
hard-working Virginia man for an ancient credit card debt that was worth far less than the amount of the lawsuit.
When the debt collector failed to produce documentation for the extra charges, the suit had to be dropped. In turn,

the man they sued filed his own suit against the debt collector for illegally filing a false, deceptive or
misleading affidavit.
Yes, that word is spelled affidavit. Not affidavid, like everyone on the Internet seems to think.
I believed some strange things when I was young. When I was a tiny tot, I knew the world was round, but
I thought we were on the inside of the sphere rather than the outside.
I thought items dumped in the Ohio River would float upstream, land in the Atlantic Ocean, and float to
Europe.
I thought TV actors werent real people.
I thought my parents personally knew musician Paul Simon.
I thought people automatically lost all their teeth when they reached adulthood.
I thought fire departments burned down houses (and not just for practice).
I thought TV channel numbers were the same in every city.
I thought the Eastern Hemisphere was called Droid.
I thought going through an underwater tunnel like the Holland Tunnel would be like scuba diving, only in
a car.
I thought the opposite of in color (as in a TV show or movie) was in public (because the color kept
fading in and out while we were watching a public broadcasting station).
And I thought big corporations werent allowed to do whatever the hell they wanted. Silly me!
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