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Romantic Myths and Ending the

Codependent Relationship
Posted on April 2, 2012
Codependents demand a lot from their romantic
relationships and want their partners to fix their
lives, to save them from sadness or to bring joy.
They expect their partners to make them happy in
every way. This is the codependents romantic
myth; believing that finding someone special will
improve all aspects of their lives. This is an
emotional trap! Your unhappiness will not stop
when a rescuer comes. Because of this belief
codependents feel consistently unfulfilled in
relationships. Rescue is always an inside job. It is
your job to notice your needs and take care of
yourself and give yourself love. Believing your
partner will complete you is a set-up for
disillusionment and means you will be taking a
hostage or becoming a volunteer martyr. Abusers
require victims and victims attract persecutors.

Photo Courtesy Wikipedia

Codependents have a deep capacity for love, but

they havent developed the capacity to love
themselves enough to stop the pain an unhealthy relationship can cause them.
Codependents tend to believe that you should love unconditionally and that the unconditional
love you give your partner should be returned. This unconditional reciprocity is only possible
with your infant or four-legged friends.

An unhealthy person can have a powerful pull when you are needy, unhappy, and trying to
maintain positive energy and balance while in search of a loving relationship. Entitlement to
your own feelings allows you to see other peoples pent-up anger and emotions and to
recognize whether a person is right for you. You cannot change others; you can choose to
see emotional problems in potential partners so you are not pulled into their darkness or
bargain with your own well-being. You can move on to realistic thinking, new behaviors, and
new emotions. You can see beyond old patterns of personal consciousness that have
trapped you in unhealthy partnerships. You can stop victimizing yourself, let go of negativity,
and become aware of your power to cope effectively with unhealthy people, thoughts, and
situations.
The codependent also has a deep need for connectedness, harmony and a sense of
belonging, which involves awareness that lifes most precious realities are love and
compassion. Love and compassion are attained only in the giving of it to ourselves and only
in the openness to receive it. We give by getting and get by giving in relationships. Feeling
good flows from self-acceptance, being joined with loved ones in a healthy way, and of
knowing we belong.
Tips for Ending Codependent Relationships
1. Invest in yourself: It will be easier to help yourself the more you know about
codependency.
2. Struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated to discover your own truth.
3. If you are having great difficulties that you want to work out, seek professional counseling.
4. Do not form relationships solely on the basis of attraction.
5. Work through your family of origin issues so you dont find yourself working through them
with the people you are attracted to.
6. Learn to go slowly and pay attention during the process of initiating and forming
relationships.
7. Say how you really feel.
8. Let go of your need to control.
9. Create a solid sense of self and the courage to speak up when something bothers you.

10. Take risks by being your authentic self in all areas.

11. Learn to love and respect yourself so you will become attracted to people who will love
and respect you.
12. Be completely honest from your heart and dont hide your truth because of the fears in
your head.
13. Allow your partner to be who he/she is and dont try to fix them.
14.Talk openly about changes you see happening in the other person and in yourself.
15. Learn to look for whats good for you, instead of whats good for the other person.
16. Monitor yourself and not your partner.
Each person who enters your life has a unique lesson to teach you. When you find whats
good about you, youll find the right person, and the joy that person has to offer will make up
for all the past hurts put together times ten!!!
******************************************************************
Thank you for reading this article. Ive dedicated my personal and professional life
to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my
experience. In the past, Ive sacrificed my emotional and spiritual well-being for
perfectionism and looked to others for approval at the cost of trusting my intuition
and developing my self-worth. As a result, Ive learned a lot about abusive
relationships and what it takes to put an end to self-judgment. And, as I learn and
grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it
helps you to improve your own life.
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RE L AT E D
RE L AT E D
How Codependents Leave
Abusive Narcissistic
Relationships
In "Abusive Relationship"

Codependents, Dating,
Mating, Growing, and
Assessing for Partner
Abuse
In "Abusive Relationship"

Addicted to Abusive Love

In "Abusive Relationship"

This entry was posted in Abusive Relationship, Codependent Relationships,

Codependents and Narcissists, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Letting go of a
Destructive Relationship, Obsessing over relationships and tagged abusive
relationships, Codependency, codependents, conflict in relationships, drama,
learning from abusive relationships, loving ourselves, narcissistic personality
disorder, narcissistic victim syndrome, overcoming codependency, recovery from
codependency, Roberta Cone, Romance by 1solutionfocusedcoaching. Bookmark the
permalink [http://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com/2012/04/02/overcomingcodependent-relationships/] .
10 THOUGHTS ON ROMANTIC MYTHS AND ENDING THE
10 THOUGHTS ON
ROMANTIC MYTHS AND ENDING THE
CODEPENDENT
RELATIONSHIP
CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP

Amy
on November 27, 2014 at
9:27 pm said:
Amazing! Amazing article! Thank you!

Pingback: Beware the borderline male |

The Sprightly Writer

Lake
on December 16, 2012 at
5:16 pm said:
I LOVE your web site Roberta! It is so

helpful and beautifully put together! Im

just coming to my senses after almost
two years of HELL with a man who
is.who knows what he really is.but I
honestly believe he is/ was abusive. My
instincts told me something was very
wrong from the beginning but I kept
giving him the benefit of the doubt
when he would make promises for
improvement and showed me so much
affection. Looking back, the writing was
on the wall and now the reality is a
terribly bitter pill to swallow. Im crushed
and probably a little in denial at the
moment. it all seems so surreal and I
miss him terribly. Its as if Im talking
about someone other than the person i
tried so hard to love.
I have deep abandonment issues from
being adopted and from my adopted
upbringing and he went right for the
juggler. Im sorrythis is my opinion
even though it may sound
victimish.I believe that emotional
abuse and manipulation are the
equivalent of getting someone drunk
and date raping them. Some people are
are just more vulnerable than others.
Me personally..mental/ emotional
health problems, my own and in my bio
family, several head injuries, Fetal
Alcohol Effect issues, abandonment
issuesIm sure there are more. I
have a very hard time with words and
thoughts in the moment and he would
twist and turn and invalidate things Id
say when I tried to confront him about
inconsistencies in his words vs
behaviors. It was a total mind
f#@k.and even now I find myself
questioning my self and wondering if I

could have done something differently

and had things turn out better. Like set
boundaries and consequences and
maybe he could have changed? I hate
to think that he could have been playing
some calculated power game or that he
was just a player/ monster. I sincerely
thought there were times when I saw
genuine love and effort from him.
Sorry to go on and on hereIm just at
a loss and not sure how to proceed. Im
in therapy but really dont know if Im
with the right person..
Thank you for your articles.
Lake

1solutionfocusedcoaching
on December 16,
2012 at 8:47 pm said:
Lake,
My heart goes out to you. The
recovery process from the emo
tional sadism you described is a
big life test for you. I can relate
to your statement, I believe
that emotional abuse and ma
nipulation are the equivalent of
getting someone drunk and
date raping them. Emotional
sadism is a type of soul murder
when you are in a relationship
with a mean sick person. Fortu
nately you have left and now
you build endurance to sit in the
sadness as you become
stronger. Sick people make
people sick Protecting your
neediness and longing for real
love takes a recognition that

you are good and worthy of

protection. My intuition tells me
that he came into your life so
you could learn to not abandon
yourself. I say this to you and
recognize it in myself, that to go
back to the familiar relationship
pain when you have escaped is
a form of emotional insanity.
This recognition of insanity does
not mean that you are defec
tive; it means you are a vulnera
ble person. I am convinced that
relationships come to us so we
finish our unresolved depen
dency needs. You have met a
great teacher. Allow the emo
tional pain to motivate change
in your life. You can do it. You
can show-up for yourself. I feel
certain about this.
Roberta
P.S. Thank you for your kind
words.

Impower You
on April 2, 2012 at 8:00 pm
said:
I like #9. Create a solid sense of self
and the courage to speak up when
something bothers you.
I think this is great advice for anyone,
even those that are not in a relationship.