Karen Joy Madrio Juan

August 22, 2016

Grade 11 Faith

Ms. Rowena G. Napoles

Doubts, Questions, and Vague Answers

I grew up in a home with people who had different views about religion. My mother has a
strong faith in the Catholic Church; my stepfather is a Protestant, though I rarely see him practice
his faith; and my older brother is an atheista total non-believer, if I may add. Because of this, I
honestly didnt really know what to believe, or if I should even pick up the traditional Roman
Catholic views of my family, like my mother. I do remember attending Sunday mass on occasion
when I was younger, either going because my mother and my grandparents felt like it, or because
there was something to be thankful for and Mom felt the need for us to go. Sadly, all my
religious endeavors to go to mass ceased as I grew older, and as my days got busier. Nobody
cared if I didnt go to mass anyway, and I simply used my time in other pressing activities.
***
Ever since I was young, I always thought of religion as this fictional, mystical, but
sensual set of practices that I didnt know how to deal with. Yes, I want to point out that I was
very much aware of its presence in my home, my community, and my school, but I just couldnt
help but say that I felt disconnected to it somehow. I admit that I loved to read science books in
my childhood, and I would scour our house for any magazines, almanacs, and encyclopedias that
I could find, just so that I could discover more information about the world. It was all so
fascinating to me this scientific world that I read about and it held my attention for so long
that I had no care for playing games; I just cared about learning more. That is, until one day, I
discovered one very odd theory that contrasted my initial belief of how the world was created:
Darwins theory of evolution. At first I thought it was blasphemous, since, how could we humans
have descended from monkeys? I have always liked the logical reasoning that science had
presented to me when it comes to explaining various phenomena that was the reason why I
liked it in the first place but I grew to understand it and accept the fact that our intelligence
have only advanced because of a chemical and biological process that has been ongoing for
millions of years. But the problem is, once I fully accept that fact, would I be able to discard my
original notion that God created this world?
And thus began the endless stream of questions that poured into my mind about all things
spiritual and supernatural. Did God really create this world? Is God really a supreme being who
is capable of doing all those miraculous things like saving and forgiving us? Or is God someone
intelligent humans like us created to explain all things unexplainable by science? Is there even a
heaven and hell? In the end, my incessant questioning of such things annoyed those around me,
so I began to search those answers myself. As usual, I first turned to books for answers, and I
found myself getting inspired by those who felt Gods presence in their lives, the impact of that
belief in their way of living and what they had to sacrifice to fully carry out Gods word. They

were so many, and most of the stories that I have read seemed too far-fetched for me to believe,
since most of them had no scientific reasoning or logical explanation whatsoever. I also found
that most of the stories about God were a wee bit confusing for me to understand, and I grew to
the conclusion that apparently almost every problem in the world can be solved by faith by
truly believing in God.
Its a bit hard to explain, this whole faith thing. I didnt know entirely what it is, but I
could see its evidence through those around me. I was in awe of how the people around me
showed their faith, how much they were willing to sacrifice to do Gods bidding. It was inspiring
to see and even sometimes feel their devotion to God through their actions, and through their
words. I honestly found it a bit odd to see others who kept praying for the same things although
there are no guarantees that God will answer them, or to see others who kept believing even
though they have already experienced enough sufferings and trials to last a lifetime. All I could
say from all these observations is that I may not truly understand the whole concept of believing
in a religion, but I do acknowledge the fact that there is something miraculous in this world, that
there is a moving force that is able to unite the hearts of every anguished soul into believing with
a faith so strong that the unbelievable can happen. Yes, I have begun to come in terms with the
fact that we happen to live in a world full of invisible realities however strange that may sound
but I also noticed that only spiritual realities are everlasting.
How Ive come to that concept, you may ask? Well, throughout my quest for answers I
noticed that the world seemed to be divided about its views about religion and of the
supernatural. In reality, there is simply no definite answer to everything that we see or not see,
for that matter. Many people refuse to believe in something that they cannot see or explain, like I
was before, but we still have to recognize the undeniable fact that many mysterious and
incomprehensible things occur in the world that just cannot be explained. Now that Im at this
point, I confess that the moment Ive started to believe in God, Ive also started to believe other
mystical beings like ghosts and demons. Although at first I wanted to turn a blind eye towards
them, Id rather be prepared and have full knowledge of them rather than experiencing
something unexpected. Nevertheless, I have now accepted that the world can be both scientific
and religious as long as you know how to blur your views of what is true and what is not.
***
To explain my story in a less technical and more personal narrative, lets just say that as
soon as I got further education about Christianity in my school (which was a Catholic school, by
the way), I got more and more inspired to believe in God and in Jesus. Hearing all those biblical
stories helped me a lot along my journey in becoming a believer, since they gave me hope in my
moments of doubt and even gave me additional lessons that I could practice in real life.
What really made me think of turning to Christ was this nagging feeling at the back of
my brain. You see, the first talent that Ive learned in my life was singing, and my stepfather
further helped me develop this talent until I grew to love doing it. It wasnt exactly my passion,
but I wanted to do something with it. I remember in those brief moments of attending mass, I
would always look at the choir and try to keep in tune with the song they were singing. Singing

those kind of songs actually, though I wouldnt admit it at the time, made me feel light and calm
inside. I would even have these moments of tranquility, and comfort, and the feeling of warmth
would wash over me whenever I would enter a Church, though I really didnt understand why at
that time since I was still baffled about my views on Christianity. Little did I know that those
were the first and early signs of Gods call to me in my service to Him. I initially wanted to join
the choir in my nearby parish, but I knew Mom would stop me from trying because of security
reasons (long story) so I gave up on that idea. But ever since then, I have always strived to
become a member of the school choir, joined the Music and Pastoral club and volunteered in
becoming a lector at the school mass.
Although I have become active in these kind of services, I still have moments of doubt
wherein I wonder if this will ever make up for my sins of not believing in God immediately in
the first place. I still wonder if I am worthy enough to serve God in this way, even though I
havent confessed in a long time. At first, the reason I avoided this is because I disapproved of
the sacrament of confessing my sins to a priest, and I decided to confess my sins personally to
God. But now that I have decided to respect Gods laws, teachings and sacraments, I guess it
should be a matter of time for me to follow them.
Even though I have decided to believe, I am still not sure of how strong my faith in God
is. But if there is one thing that I am sure of, I know that God extended His hand to me but left
me the decision if I should fully accept it or not. He never lost hope in coaxing me into His arms
and making me believe in Him. Now, my main challenge is to find time for the Lord, which is
something I usually ignore. Ill just have to understand the fact that although leisure is necessary
and work is important, I should never forget about God and the role that He plays in my life.
Even though I may be burdened with doubts and sufferings, I believe that God will be there to
guide me into the right path so that I may find clarity, understanding and the happiness that I
have always yearned for.