A man holding on..

The Pledge
Mississippi is a black hole for many. Few can
ever rescue themselves from the dangers of
corruption and despair that is bred in this place. I
was not different. I was born to good parents that
lived in a typical suburban nightmare. They did
their best to give me the typical 80s family clich.
From the moment I stole my first breath my
parents knew they were in trouble. By the time I
reached adolescences I had managed to see my
parents divorced and burn their house to the
ground. Dont play with matches. I longed for
something so strong it pulled my very existence. I
would only come to find it years later.
My teenage years were no better. I had
adopted the idea that if you are going to be dumb
you have to be tough. I could get past the beatings
I endured at home but I could never understand
why my parents hated me so much. It did not
matter in the end I was my own man at 16. I was
not to be stopped in my quest to find whatever the
hell it was that I was looking for.

I started my search in Memphis. I dreamt of

Memphis like a Lutheran dreams of salvation.
Memphis Strip clubs are not the place to meet
respectable young ladies. I figured this out after
running away from home many times. I was like a
moth to fire. These women would show themselves
to the world raw and unadulterated. I was
underage but in those days a 20-dollar bill would
go further than now. I think they thought it was
cute having a boy stare at them. Of course none
of them were awe inspiring. None of them look
remotely like the women in the playboy magazine I
had stolen from my father. There were nude and
that was all a 16-year-old boy care about. I knew
they were worth the beating I was going to get
when I got back home.
I only went to school so I could kiss the girls. I
tried to kiss ad touch as many as would let me. I
love women. Always have always will. They are
perfect in every shape height form and all levels of
intelligence. I once heard a woman say that they
should be on the same level as men. I did not
understand why women would want to stoop so
low as to be on the same level as men.
I could not stand being educated. It felt like I was
being forced to believe what they told me. I

needed to know things for myself. I had one life to

live and I wanted to get it over with.
I walked out my senior year. I regretted that I
did not get to participate in the senor experience.
Even though that was the beginning of the most
amazing experience of my life.
I sat down and made me a plan to how I was
going to get buy. I had a job as a pizza delivery
driver. I had a friend who could acquire marijuana
for me. I put the two together and went into
business. It was a win win customer could get high
and fill their need for the munches at the same
time.
I was making a killing. Outsiders never knew
how I was able to afford my own apartment a new
truck and take my friends to Memphis. Thats right
I still loved going to Memphis.
I had tried other means to success. The army
did not want me and I could not get into school.
Selling a little contraband here and there was no
big deal, besides no one was getting hurt.
To keep up with demand I had to buy more and
more weed. I finally started buying so much that I
had to buy straight from the source. In the winter
of 1998 the Governor of Mississippi decided
enough was enough. He started a task force to get

all drugs out of Mississippi. He wanted them all

gone even the marijuana. So there I was a
booming business lots of money toys and my new
friends the Mississippi narcotics division. Great
group of guys until they kick in your front door.
What these geniuses did not realize is they ruined
their own case. They stopped the production of all
illegal substances. So those of us that sold them,
could not get them. Therefore, we could not get
caught in possession of them. I came to find out
that weed was not what the state was after. Some
guy I had never heard of, did something I knew
nothing about, blamed it on me. Some typical
Mississippi hood rat just coughed up a name.
Which is why I ended up on the floor of my
apartment put in handcuffs. Position of stolen
property. They took my apartment apart but found
nothing to connect me to the crime. They found
the 12 thousand dollars, hidden in a closet which
was never mention in the police report. Being
Mississippi poor can make bad cops into good
criminals.
Life started to settle back down. I still didnt
really feel safe in my own home so I asked the
biggest guy I knew to move in with me. He lived
out in the boondocks so this was an upgrade for
him. At this point I am still facing charges and have
no idea what they are going to find out about and

stick me with next. I guess I just need another

heartbeat in the house. I needed a real friend.
Chris was that perfect friend.
Chris still had friends in school at the time. He
had befriended a girl named Tammy. They were
good together. Neither of them super intelligent
but there was a bit of chemistry happening.
Besides I did not care I was single and having fun.
All that love stuff was a mental disorder.
The Turn
Chris can be annoying are times. I was facing some
serious charges and he wanted me to meet
Tammys friend Jenny. I thought it would be like
every other cheesy 80s double date. Especially
considering I had only a week before received my
condemning letter.
Dear Mr. Berns,
As your public defender it is my responsibility to
inform you of the new charges being added to your
case. As a continuation of your position of stolen
goods there has been added illegal possession of
firearm. Your charges at this time can required you
to serve a minimum of eight years. Please contact
me as soon as possible your court appearance is
scheduled for August 18th, 1998.
Signed

William Meredith
My first thoughts were Fuck em I knew I was
going to do time, that really did not bother me. Its
just, I was going way for a crime I never
committed. Like every prisoner I too had an excuse
of why I should not have been locked away. I
thought about running to Florida but in the end I
knew I had about 6 months to do as I wish and
then I would go quietly to the grey bar hotel.
The night came that Tammy would be stopping
by to see Chris and Ginny would be with her. This
was no particular no other than to say I was sober. I
did not have to work and I was resolved that a girl
would be stopping by. In other words, I put on
pants and my cleanest dirty shirt.
And so it came to pass that my door would
open and my eyes would lay upon the most
beautiful creature I would ever come to know.
Her hair was a rich shade of mahogany. It looked
like it was made from the finest of silk. It flowed in
waves to adorn her glowing, porcelain-like skin. She was
alabaster white with little freckles across her nose.
It reminded me of maple leaves falling to the snow
covered ground. Her eyes. framed by long lashes,

were bright and full of innocence. When she smiled,

the world would sigh with contentment. When she
laughed, the world would laugh with her. And had she
wept, the whole world would want to comfort her. Some
poets claim that a beautiful woman can take their
breath away but Ginny took the air out the room.
She smiled at me and tore the very ice from my
veins. My mind reeled from something so angelic
standing in front me. I could no longer trust my
eyes. She was too perfect to be so true. Ever part
of her wept purity. Her beautiful silence was tearing
down the ice stone wall that I had built in my heart.
Do not misunderstand me I have seen women of all
kinds. She was so prolifically beyond what I knew
to exist. When she spoke to be my brain was stuck
on stupid. I am sure she thought I was mentally
deficit. She would never know that she was what I
was looking for. What I dreamt of and could not
find. I feared I would only know something this
perfect in the next world.
It has taken me 20 years to find the words to
describe the next series of events.
Just as my heart grew with the wanted need of
her presence my world would be shattered to find
that she had someone in her life already. This
simply would not do. Even If I had to hide my
attraction to her and be her friend then that is

what I would do. I would rather be a small part of

her world that not have her as all in mine.
We did in fact become friends. We debated
each others thoughts and found that we both
looked forward to seeing each other. Especially
when Chris and Tammy were not around. Ginny
was a bit younger than me and that caused a
concern that my physical attraction would need to
be held at bay until she was out of school. Though
many times it took a herculean strength not to kiss
over her entire body. It was the promise I made to
her. I was falling in love and I was not about to
break a promise to my perfect dream.
I think Ginny started to feel the same way I did.
One day her and her boyfriend came to an end. It
did not seem to be taxing to her. She did not even
seem distracted. I was, all I could think about was
tasting her sweet lips I knew they must have been
as soft as rose blossoms. I want to hold her small
delicate fingers in between mine. I wanted to reach
out and be able to touch her anytime I chose. I
could not be held responsible for falling in love
first. I could not be blamed for wanting her arms
around me. I wanted her touch I wanted her caress
I wanted her skin to press against my skin. I
wanted to breathe the very air in between us. I
want to own that space and time right before our
lips would touch and live there forever.

Ginny was shorter than me, which made It

perfect for her to look up to kiss me. Our first kiss
was as perfect as any could imagine I was falling in
love harder and harder. We could talk for hours
about nothing and finish the night with the perfect
kiss. It was just strong enough to hold me until the
next kiss.
The end of her school year was fast
approaching. One day see asked if I would be her
date to the summer cotillion. I had not gone to my
own and here she was wanting to share her one in
a lifetime date with me. Beauty like hers can be
found once maybe twice in a lifetime. When a
beautiful girl want to show you off to her friends
she was making a statement.
These dances can have a sexually charge
atmosphere and is often the cause to many firsts
encounters. I could not put these ideas out of my
head. I wanted her. I want to feel her heat
surrounding me. I wanted her to feel my pulsing
excitement.
Again Chris and Tammy were going to
chaperone us. It was not that they were more
mature it was just that Tammy and Ginny were best
friends and neither trusted the other with us alone.
Her dress was amazing. It flowed over her body
like a cool breeze. I imaged even the fabric was

falling in love with her every curve. He neckline

dropped so deep in the valley of her chest that I
was holding on to my eyes with the force of ten
men. I knew I was only to hold her hand but I would
be lying if the thought of cupping each of her
breasts in both my hands.
We arrived at the party and I knew that the
highlight of the event would not be dancing. All I
could think of was the anticipation of being with
Ginny for the first time. Minutes felt like hours.
Hours like days. I could take it no more. I must
have her. I must have her now.
We both knew what we wanted. There was not
a doubt in each others minds that we were ready.
As beautiful as that dress was on Ginny it was
even better on my floor. I would finally see the
perfection as a whole. I no longer needed to
fantasy about her body. We were set ablaze with
young passion at seeing each other in only out
flesh. Her heart held on to her virtue as long as it
could. Her innocence released itself with the first
passionate kiss.
They pressed their hands together to ease her
onto the bed I had prepared for her with dozens of
rose petals. She took my hand and placed it on her
breast and squeezed as she slipped her tough into
my mouth. She had no reason to hide her desires

any longer their bodies were pulling closer and she

knew I would be inside her soon. The passion did
not betray her nakedness or enslave it, it set her
on fire. She wanted every part of me and she
wanted me to know every part of her. Our bodies
withered around each other. She grew warmer and
warmer every time her I kissed another part of her
body. I became a poet of passion touching her and
licking her over and over. She arched her back
vocalizing for me. The stronger my tongue acted
the stronger she moaned. Then without even a
warning I pushed my hands in hers. No sooner had
she realized but I was stretching her to fit my hard
pulsing girth inside her. It was the moment of
connection both wanted more than to keep
breathing. It was pure no thoughts just the two
souls finding each other. She could feel my hot
breath on her neck as I thrust over and over.
Stopped only to kiss and tug playfully at her lip
with my lips. My rhythm was fast and then slower
at other times. I wanted to satisfier her passion by
holding this moment as long as he could. My own
strength began to waver. I looked into her eyes
that sparkled like lake water as the sun goes down.
She was nodding in anticipation that I did not have
to restrain myself any longer. I forfeited my control
and deeply released into her with a symphony of

pleasure. She pulled me close and held me as we

both quivered with satisfaction.
The Prestige
Love comes from heaven to scare the hell out
of you. The terrible thing about love is that it ends.
Ginny and I were in love. As in love with
anyone that you know you will lose. I was going to
prison and she did not know it. I could not bear to
tell her. This may be a shock but drug dealers dont
make good boyfriends. It is also difficult for a
college girl to date an inmate. She was going to
college and there was not a damn thing I could do
about it. Our love had to end and there was no way
around it. I not sure how we ended exactly I know
there were tears and strong words.
Prison has a way of finding and killing any
humanity you may have brought with you. After a
while I buried my humanity deep enough that even
I could not find it. I even stopped writing love
letters to Jinny as I had no address to mail them to
and no hope she would ever speak to me again. My
regret is that I was the man that she gave herself
to first, I wish it has been someone as kind and
special as she was.
Epilogue

I found Jinny the other day on Facebook. She is

doing well she married a man she had met in
college. They have four beautiful children they
even have a set of twins.