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Forgiving Yourself After Abuse: The Reconciliation of Heart and Mind
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Published on 10-31-2014 09:43 AM
111 Comments
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se-The-Reconciliation-of-Heart-and-Mind&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18efd5#comme
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Comments
I was cleaning up some old files today, and found this letter I
wrote to myself sometime back. I was having a hard time with
self-forgiveness, and I was trying to come to a peaceful solution. I
had declared war upon myself as I am my own worst critic. I could
not forgive myself for many things including my actions and
reactions during and shortly after the relationship ended. I became
a hideous person for a short time, and I tried so hard to reconcile
that within myself. It felt as though I left one war zone (the
psychopath) and stepped into another (the war within myself).
My Dearest Mind,

How many times do I have apologize for making a poor choice? I'm
tired of fighting you. I am trying to show you that goodness will
trump evil, but you keep coming back with your yes buts. Just stop!
Look at how far you have come. He no longer invades your every
waking thought, yes he occasionally creeps in, but you have
successfully fought through the pain to show him the door when he
does every time without fail. Will you please take that as a win?
Will you accept that you did the best you could with what was
presented to you? Will you please once and for all forgive yourself
for making a mistake? I know that it sounds easier than it is, but
it needs to be done. You just have to trust me one more time.
It is my wish that you could see all your goodness. I hope you would
see how full of kindness and love you are. How you care for virtual
strangers with all that you have. Can you show yourself this
kindness as well? You tell me you know all of these things, when
will you believe them? When will you allow that forgiveness to pour
over you like the waterfall you once stood under? Your heart is
huge, yet you act as if you have no place for yourself in it. Trust
me there is plenty of room. I wish you would allow you the happiness
that you deserve. Don't you think you have punished yourself for
long enough? Your penance has been paid.
I wish I could promise you that you will never feel pain again, but
you know I can't. The day will come when there will be pain again,
but I promise you that it will never be as great as you endured
these past three years. I promise that it will be a different pain.
I promise that all you have learned you will apply going forward and
that it will bring with it appropriate boundaries and proper
self-respect. Healing will happen. You will be sitting on your
porch, the pain nothing more than a distant memory of a chapter in
your novel of your life. I promise you will be surrounded by all the
things of life that make your heart sing. Will you close your eyes
for just a moment and imagine that? Imagine the peace and the
tranquility that will surround you. See your life as it should be
not as it once was.
I wish I could hug you right now if only you would allow me to. I
would wrap my arms around you, tell you it's okay to cry it out,
then together we could finally move forward. A united front
unstoppable by anything. Your strength runs deep. I do admire that
about you. Your strength and resolve to grow and learn are what
keeps me going. Now if you allow me to lighten your load maybe we
can finally be on the same page again. Would you allow me to help
you even if for just a bit?
All My Love,
Your Heart
*The Reconciliation *
One thing that helped me come through this was acknowledgement that
I needed to say it was okay to have been duped. What I felt was very
real, and I did not know that such evil existed. I made a
decision-based upon the information I was given at the time, and it
was time to allow myself the self-forgiveness needed to move
forward. It was reaching a point that mind and heart reconnected.

I realize now that the psychopath exploited and mirrored all my best
qualities. He mirrored them so perfectly I essentially fell in love
with myself and thus the distrust of myself in the aftermath. It
seems to be final parting gift from them. Lovely right? *Except that
I can feel love again, but I had to forgive myself first*.
Once that happened I learned to show myself love in new ways. I
learned that a self-love is not narcissistic but essential for a
healthy and whole person. My actions began to back up these
returning feelings. I learned that I showed love to myself by having
healthy boundaries with the people in my life. I learned that it was
okay to say no and not feel guilty or that I was letting someone
down because I was letting myself down by overcommitting. I learned
that it was okay to treat myself with an indulgence or two. I have
learned that by showing myself love I am once again gaining
self-respect and through this my heart and my mind have reconciled.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/attachment.php?s=dccdbecee5caf3dd576da4216f4
54b29&attachmentid=8581&d=1414763246>
_This article was originally published in forum thread: The
Reconciliation of Heart and Mind
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?22897-Article-Forgiving-Yours
elf-After-Abuse-The-Reconciliation-of-Heart-and-Mind&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034b
a18efd5>
started by LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723cd36
f0acce034ba18efd5>
_View original post
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?22897-Article-Forgiving-Yours
elf-After-Abuse-The-Reconciliation-of-Heart-and-Mind&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034b
a18efd5&p=323246#post323246>

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111 Comments
1.
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cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
willowtree
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cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
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@LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185>, That is
so beautiful. So heart felt and healing.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9451-suketh&s=b5b6a522723cd36
f0acce034ba18efd5>
suketh
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9451-suketh&s=b5b6a522723cd36
f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323254&return_node=321>
Wow. You have me crying. Did you write this letter for me?
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?8308-wanderer&s=b5b6a522723cd
36f0acce034ba18efd5>
wanderer
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?8308-wanderer&s=b5b6a522723cd
36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323255&return_node=321>
QuoteOriginally Posted by *LuckyLaura*
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?321-Forgiving-Yourself-A
fter-Abuse-The-Reconciliation-of-Heart-and-Mind&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18ef
d5&p=323246#comment_323246>
Once that happened I learned to show myself love in new
ways. I learned that a self-love is not narcissistic but
essential for healthy and whole person. My actions began to
back up these returning feelings. I learned that I showed
love to myself by having healthy boundaries with the people
in my life. I learned that it was okay to say no and not
feel guilty or that I was letting someone down because I was
letting myself down by overcommitting. I learned that it was
okay to treat myself with an indulgence or two. I have

learned that by showing myself love I am once again gaining


self-respect and through this my heart and my mind have
reconciled.
@LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185>, what a
beautiful letter to yourself. One day, I hope to be where
you are in the place I quoted from you above. You give me
great hope. Thank you.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323262&return_node=321>
@willowtree
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=8159>, thank
you my friend
@suketh <https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=9451>
@wanderer <https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=8308>
you will be, I promise.
This journey is a process and rarely linear. I still
struggle at times with the shame and humiliation but that is
where learning the self-forgiveness comes in. That is where
learning to cut yourself some slack comes in. I put so much
pressure on myself to heal that I had to learn the hard way
that self-love and forgiveness is essential.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9451-suketh&s=b5b6a522723cd36
f0acce034ba18efd5>
suketh
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9451-suketh&s=b5b6a522723cd36
f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323264&return_node=321>
QuoteOriginally Posted by *LuckyLaura*
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?321-Forgiving-Yourself-A
fter-Abuse-The-Reconciliation-of-Heart-and-Mind&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18ef
d5&p=323262#comment_323262>
@
This journey is a process and rarely linear. I still
struggle at times with the shame and humiliation I felt, but
that is where learning the self-forgiveness comes in. That
is where learning to cut yourself some slack comes in. I put
so much pressure on myself to heal that I had to learn the
hard way that self-love and forgiveness is essential.

Yes, but how?!? Self-love and true forgiveness? How do I get


there? My mind knows this, but my heart....nope.
Same with overcoming CD. My mind knows ehat he is, but my
heart still longs for what I thought he was. Still incredulous.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?4815-September&s=b5b6a522723c
d36f0acce034ba18efd5>
September
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?4815-September&s=b5b6a522723c
d36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323272&return_node=321>
@LuckyLaura, That was beautiful what you wrote about self
forgiveness, I also need to do the same for myself, I am
going to have to read your letter to yourself over and over
for myself, It means alot, Thank you
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323274&return_node=321>
@suketh <https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=9451> I
had to reach a place of acceptance that it happened before I
could begin to get them both back on the same page. In that
acceptance I finally surrendered to the fact that it would
not have happened any other way. It would not have because
the image that was presented to me was not a true image of
who he was. Something is going to come along and perfectly
resonate with you, and you will have that moment when it all
clicks into place. It was very cerebral for me in the
beginning, but then at some point it flipped and my heart
came to peace, but mind continued to wage war.
The CD will lessen in time. Unfortunately there is no
magical solution, other than to stay no contact and continue
to purge the poison from you. As the poison is purged so
will the CD. You will begin to see it for what it is and in
those moments your heart and mind will begin to reconnect. I
can't tell you how many "ah ha" moments I have had on here
and still do. One year later stuff is still coming to mind
and as I grow stronger and increase my understanding I am
able to reconcile things a lot quicker.
- - - Updated - - QuoteOriginally Posted by *September*
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?321-Forgiving-Yourself-A

fter-Abuse-The-Reconciliation-of-Heart-and-Mind&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18ef
d5&p=323272#comment_323272>
@LuckyLaura, That was beautiful what you wrote about self
forgiveness, I also need to do the same for myself, I am
going to have to read your letter to yourself over and over
for myself, It means alot, Thank you
@September
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=4815>, you are
welcome. I found that writing letters to myself was really
cathartic and helped me immensely work through things. You
should try it sometime.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2866-Bozleka&s=b5b6a522723cd3
6f0acce034ba18efd5>
Bozleka
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2866-Bozleka&s=b5b6a522723cd3
6f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323308&return_node=321>
Thank you @LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185>...
GOODNESS WILL TRUMP EVIL...I actually smile from within for
the first time in a long time. I guess I must have forgiven
myself a tad bit today. Great post. Hugs....
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323314&return_node=321>
Goodness always trumps evil @Bozleka
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2866> I am so
glad you are smiling!
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?6406-Delilah&s=b5b6a522723cd3
6f0acce034ba18efd5>
Delilah
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?6406-Delilah&s=b5b6a522723cd3
6f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323379&return_node=321>
Thank you for sharing that with us, @LuckyLaura

<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185>. It's a
beautiful inspiration, eh?
~huge hugs!~
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323381&return_node=321>
Thank you @Delilah
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=6406>79
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9433-learning40&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
learning40
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9433-learning40&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323382&return_node=321>
@LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185> Thank you
so much for sharing this letter. I have been struggling with
this so much today and yesterday - asking myself how do I
find acceptance. I think your letter is a key to what I've
been searching for. I think I must fist forgive myself for
not listening to my gut, for not having boundaries, for not
being strong enough to leave when I first felt off or for
listening to his words and not seeing his actions (or lack
of action). And I need to stop feeling ashamed and
embarrassed, or that others look down on me for being with
him, it not working out, or because he tells them things
about me that aren't true. I need to love myself and love
all that I am capable of, and not feel like a fool because I
tried to love the wrong person.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-26-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323387&return_node=321>

Big hugs @learning40


<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=9433>
It's a fine line to walk. *In no way are you to blame for
any of this*, but yet forgiving of oneself essential for
healing. I know for me I hold myself to far higher standard
than other people do for me and that is exactly why I am my
own worst critic. So for me acceptance of the fact that I
was duped. That I was playing with a stacked deck so to speak.
My aha moment was with the realization that he mirrored me,
and so it was me that I had to forgive. I had to forgive my
mistake and my misplaced trust in me. I realize now that in
theory I was trusting myself because he was mirroring me.
That's why ignored so much! I also know that he will never
receive my forgiveness because forgiveness is reserved for
those people in my life that deserve it, and after the fraud
that he perpetrated on me, well that is completely
unforgivable.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?6631-LotusGrace&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LotusGrace
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?6631-LotusGrace&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-27-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323395&return_node=321>
@LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185>, Thank
you dear. That was beautiful and it was so touching to see
you being so gentle with yourself. Something that I don't
do, we all probably don't do. often enough. If you don't
mind I'd like to write a little something to my heart, or my
"little" LotusGrace.
Dear "Little" Lotus,
Please remember that I am always with you. I know how to do
many things to ensure your comfort and safety. I know you
are scared, but I live in a different realm, one where I
know that everything is alright just as it is. You can't see
the future, and I know it drives you nuts, but trust me: all
of the things that have been set in motion, no matter how
catastrophic it all seems, were set in motion for natural
reasons. You have lived your life with honor and lived your
truth by seeing the reality of who he is. He may not have
liked that, but you did nothing wrong. You were innocent and
pure in your true and deep love. You believed in the
goodness in all people. I know it aches to now know the
truth. And it makes you feel stupid and ashamed that you
were so naive, so "unsophisticated" unlike the P.
There are people who are more selfish than kind, and no
matter whether or not there is a label for what he is, you
know deep in your soul, with every bit of your knowing, that

he is a very sick man. You and he (and I) saw eye to eye


when his mask fell off; you caught his eye just as he
realized you knew what he knew; that he is not well. You are
not allowed to be with someone this ill! I forbid you. THIS
is the first thing you need to remember. The second is that
you deserve to be with someone who has a conscience, who is
self-aware and is able to see themselves with honesty. You
deserve to be with someone who cherishes and adores you. You
need to come to love me more than you love him. When this
happens, I believe you will notice a profound shift in your
entire consciousness. How will you love me more than him?
Will you start by trusting me more? Consulting with me in
meditation or prayer? Treating my body with reverence and
giving it nourishment and exercise daily? Walk hand in hand
with me and I promise I will take care of you. I will not
mislead you on this path. You are about to see things with
more clarity and as having a purpose, and being connected to
valuable lessons that will make you more of who you are
supposed to be. Just please trust me. Take my hand now.
Let's go.
- - - Updated - - @LuckyLaura <https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185>,
What you said is very interesting: "I was trusting myself
because he was mirroring me." That makes sense to me. It's
like it felt "right" because the sentiment/emotion/love was
already originally coming from someone we inherently trusted
- ourselves.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-27-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323400&return_node=321>
@LotusGrace
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=6631> that is
beautiful
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9433-learning40&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
learning40
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9433-learning40&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-27-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323404&return_node=321>
@LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185> - Again,
THANK YOU. I am blown away by the wisdom, encouragement and

love that is generated from the users on this site. My eyes


are filling with tears as I write this.
The past three months have been some of the most difficult
in my life. I can't recall a time I have ever thought so
much about the same thing. Over and over. Struggling to put
the pieces together, obsessing about what happened, extreme
introspection (introspection is probably a good thing), and
wondering when I will find peace. The love and compassion
that come from this site have been instrumental in learning
how to move on.
The N that I shared a life with for the past two years was
very covert and extremely functional. He's a child of a N/P
dad. I think that the fact he happened to be adopted only
exacerbated or reinforced the N condition. (Although I found
this fact to be a crutch he would use to rationalize his
behavior. He was/is always a victim, no matter what he tries
to tell others.) He was not abusive to me in any away, but
rather was like a child any time perceived negative emotions
came up. He preferred to stay even keel, which is probably
why he was a bit of a loner and smoked pot. When he got a
DUI and had to quit smoking pot, the relationship imploded.
He had no way to shut off the world and had no ability to
deal with anything thoughts and didn't want to run the risk
of actually feeling anything but adoration.
He liked to live in his bubble. I think in the beginning,
during the love bombing, I believed he was letting in my the
bubble, but in reality, he just let me get close enough to
see inside it. I didn't know the difference until the end.
For so long, because of how high functioning he is, I could
not believe he was actually a N. I still struggle with
thoughts that it must have been me; that I was the reason he
ran away never to contact me again. He made so many promises
about our future, and I believed every promise to be the
absolute truth. I don't see the times he let me down, in
little ways and a couple big ones. I took all the times he
apologized as apologies, even though I can look at the ones
I remember and see that they were not actual apologies. He
was only ever telling me he was sorry for himself although
he made it sound like he was saying he was sorry that he
hurt me. It can be hard to see the difference.
But as the days go on and I read things like what you wrote,
I begin to see that it was not me. It was never me. I was
just a pawn in his need to be validated game. Because I had
my own need of being validated, I held on to something that
wasn't truly making me happy. I know that intellectually,
like how you @LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=2185>) wrote in
your letter, that I just need some time to have this make
more sense and begin to forgive myself for not knowing what
was happening. The times that I feel like I miss my friend,
I must remember that I am still here. I never left. There's
just not a mirror anymore. But I am still here. I marked
your entries in this post so I can see them later and I am
grateful that you wrote them. I know it's going to take more
time for all of this to settle in, but it gives me home that
it's possible and it's in my future. That soon there will

come a day where my thoughts and feelings are not of him and
what has happened to me because of it.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-27-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323545&return_node=321>
@learning40
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=9433> when I
wrote that letter to myself I initially thought my head was
writing it to my heart, but as it began to pour out of me I
came to realize that it was actually my heart trying to talk
to my mind. On one level intellectually it made sense, but
then there were so many "yes, buts." My heart no longer
longed for him, but the mind could not fully grasp the head
games he played. That's when I really started to realize the
effect of the mirroring. I was struggling with my actions.
My mind could reconcile what an ugly creature he was, but it
couldn't reconcile the effect that his ugly behavior had
upon me.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?7470-Bluesy&s=b5b6a522723cd36
f0acce034ba18efd5>
Bluesy
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?7470-Bluesy&s=b5b6a522723cd36
f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-27-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce
034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323555&return_node=321>
I like your letter LucyLaura, I've felt that discomfort and
pain too. I think it is healthy to feel it because it means
we are not numbing ourselves. When we've been duped, it
makes up feel vulnerable. We want to see ourselves as strong
and capable and a P can shake our confidence in ourselves.
But just because we've been tricked, doesn't mean we are not
strong. I learned to say, "Yes, I was tricked and it was
horrible so I'm going to be extra careful now. I know things
now that I didn't know before".
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9433-learning40&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
learning40
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?9433-learning40&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
- 10-27-2014
o Reply
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/newreply.php?s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce

034ba18efd5&do=newreply&p=323709&return_node=321>
I was in a car accident this morning. It's not super
serious, but my airbag deployed and I hit the car in front
of me while traveling about 40 miles an hour on the
interstate. Needless to say I am quite shaken, but do not
think anything is terribly wrong. I'll be headed to physical
therapy this afternoon and will get my body in happier place
soon.
The reason I'm sharing this is because in the initial shock,
I wanted so much to call him and tell him what happened. I
wanted the support I knew he would have given in the
immediate, standing there on the side of highway, and not
sure what the hell I'd just experienced. Two things happened
in my brain in the subsequent hours while I was working out
an appointment with my doctor, calling the insurance
company, getting towed and sorting out a rental car.
First, I realized that yes, there was a time not too long
ago that I could have counted on his reaction but today I
don't know what he would have given me. I say "would have
given me" because I knew what I could have counted on had we
never separated, but today, I have no idea how he'd respond
after 3 months of no commination. And that says something.
With any of my friends or even past boyfriends, I have no
doubt that I could call and they would be there in whatever
capacity I needed, no matter how much time had passed since
we last spoke. But I wondered if he'd be bothered or
inconvenienced - or feel guilty that he didn't know how (or
want) to help. (It's actually shame, as he is the eternal
victim - not guilt. But he doesn't know the difference.)
Instead of just helping or offering to help, he'd feel bad
that he didn't know how (or want) to help. I says something
that I think he can't be counted on just because he haven't
spoken in 3 months.
Second, I understood that if he was there in the capacity I
wanted, that it would be great in the immediate while the
intensity and shock was high, but he would not be there for
the aftermath. He wouldn't be helping me figure out the
insurance, the finances, what the heck to do about replacing
my car, or anything else. He would only be there for the
immediate sympathy, but not the teamwork or partnership that
you should have when in a committed relationship.
It is experiences such as this, although stressful and
unpleasant, that really make me see that the mirror was all
that was ever there. It still makes me sad, and as much as
I'd love some affection, I just have to go get it elsewhere
and lean on the other people in my life who are willing,
wanting and able to be there for me.
1.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
LuckyLaura
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?2185-LuckyLaura&s=b5b6a522723
cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>

- 10-27-2014
o Reply
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QuoteOriginally Posted by *Bluesy*
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?321-Forgiving-Yourself-A
fter-Abuse-The-Reconciliation-of-Heart-and-Mind&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18ef
d5&p=323555#comment_323555>
I like your letter LucyLaura, I've felt that discomfort and
pain too. I think it is healthy to feel it because it means
we are not numbing ourselves. When we've been duped, it
makes up feel vulnerable. We want to see ourselves as strong
and capable and a P can shake our confidence in ourselves.
But just because we've been tricked, doesn't mean we are not
strong. I learned to say,*"Yes, I was tricked and it was
horrible so I'm going to be extra careful now. I know things
now that I didn't know before".*
Thank you @Blusey and you are so right, it is healthy to
feel the pain and discomfort. It means not only that we are
alive but also that the trauma is being processed. That we
are working through the bad to get to the good on the other
side.
When our confidence is so shaken to our core, it is
difficult to trust ourselves. And that is where the
mirroring was so hard for me to grasp in so much as he
mirrored me, I cannot trust him, therefore I felt I couldn't
trust myself. Intellectually on one level I knew that I
was't to blame for misplaced trust, but my heart understood
it far before my mind could fully grasp it.
I love the part of your quote that I bolded, so spot on!
@learning40
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/member.php?u=9433> first of
all I am glad you are okay from your accident I am sorry
about your car and having to now deal with all that on your
own. I am sure that it must have been scary and slightly
overwhelming facing that, but you are strong. In you lies a
warrior that needs to be awakened. At the very least you
have a whole load of people here that you can lean on even
it's virtually.
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Recent Forum Posts
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Mom's gut.
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?49233-Mom-s-gut&s=b5b
6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
I am so sorry Towanda, its a huge roller coaster, one minute happy
to be free, the next minute what the hell was I thinking staying
with this P? I still
ShellShock
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6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>

Ridiculous stuff they accuse you of...


<https://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?49474-Ridiculous-stuf
f-they-accuse-you-of&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
I'm in the process of divorcing my Narc husband - next week would
have been 25 years (what a complete waste). I found out last May he
was having an affair

Kicked Off Crazytrain


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Do other people notice ?


<https://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?49026-Do-other-people
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It takes some people a lot longer to pick out a N than others. I was
with mine for 14 years and had 2 kids with him before I left. His GF
he had during
Elizabeth R
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4 Minutes Ago Go to last post
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Is this bad?!
<https://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?49439-Is-this-bad-!&s
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@ Poppy62 - 'But I'm not sure of the whole context of his remark
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Leia
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You are all going to say NO but this is what I did...


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ng-to-say-NO-but-this-is-what-I-did&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
Hi Kittenwolf,
I did what you did....And I swore it was just for me. I send him an
email six weeks after the brutal discard telling him
Aurelia
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Additional Red Flags - any extra things you have noticed


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The first time P kissed me was very awkward. Not awkward in that
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Did your P try to claim that they were making you a better
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He said he was trying to show me how to take risks and move beyond
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barbiegirl
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9 Minutes Ago Go to last post

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Anyone ever tried Friends or FWB with exN?


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One of the best replies I have seen in this theme was from @Aurelia
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Sidnera
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Do They Ever Just Go Away?


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st-Go-Away&s=b5b6a522723cd36f0acce034ba18efd5>
Don't ever underestimate their cunning. However, with that said once
he doesn't get any response from you he WILL move on. Be patient.
Elizabeth R
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