Dedication

forJane
[Page11]
I
Epigraph
getyournameinLIGHTS
getituptherein
8??11mimeo
[Page13]
whatamanIwas
1Ishotoffhisleftear
2thenhisright,
3andthentoreoffhisbeltbuckle
4withhotlead,
5andthen
6Ishotoffeverythingthatcounts
7andwhenhebentover
8topickuphisdrawers
9andhismarbles
10(poorcritter)
11Ifixeditsohewouldn'thave
12tostraightenup
13nomore.
14HoHum.
15Iwentinforafastsnort
16andoneguyseemed
17tobelookingatmesideways,
18andthat'showhedied
19sideways,
20lookin'atme
21andclutchin'
22forhismarbles.
23Sighto'bloodmademekinda
24hungry.
25Hadahamsandwich.
26Playedacoupleofsentimentalsongs...
27Shotoutallthelights
28andstrolledoutside.
29Didn'tseemtobenoonearound
[Page14]
30soIshotmyhorse
31(poorcritter).
32ThenIsawtheSheerf

33astandin'attheenda'theroad
34andhewasshakin'
35likehehadtheSaintVitusdance;
36itwasarealsorrowfulsight
37soIslowedhimtoaquiver
38withthefirstslug
39andmercifullystiffenedhim
40withthesecond.
41ThenIlaidonmybackawhile
42andIshotoutthestarsonebyone
43andthen
44Ishotoutthemoon
45andthenIwalkedaround
46andshotouteverylight
47intown,
48andprettysoonitbegantogetdark
49realdark
50thewayIlikeit;
51justcan'tstandtosleep
52withnolightshinin'
53onmyface.
54Ilaiddownanddreamt
55Iwasalittleboyagain
56aplayin'withmytoysixshooter
57andwinnin'allthemarblegames,
58andwhenIwokeup
59mygunswasgone
60andIwasallboundhandandfoot
61justlikesomebody
62wasscaredame
[Page15]
63andtheywasslippin'
64anoosearoundmyuglyneck
65justasifthey
66meanttohangme,
67andsomeguywaspinnin'
68arealprettysign
69onmyshirt:
70there'salawforyou
71andalawforme
72andalawthathangs
73fromthefootofatree.
74Well,prettypoetryalwaysdid
75makemyeyeswater
76andcanyoubelieveit
77allthewomenwascryin'
78andthoughtheywasmoanin'
79othermen'snames
80Ijustknowtheywascryin'
81forme(poorcritters)
82andthoughI'dsleptwithallathem,
83I'dforgotten
84inallthebigexcitement

85totell'emmyname
86andallthemenlookedangry
87butIguessitwasbecausethekids
88wasallbeingimpolite
89andathrowin'tincansatme,
90butItold'emnottoworry
91becausetheiraimwasbadanyhow
92notaboytherelookedlikehe'dturn
93intoaman
9490%homosexuals,thelotofthem,
95andsomeguyshouted
96"let'ssendhimtohell!"
[Page16]
97andwithajerkIwasdancin'
98mylastdance,
99butIswungoutwide
100andspitinthebartender'seye
101andstareddown
102intoNellieAdam'sbreasts,
103andmymouthwateredagain.
[Page17]
mine
1Shelayslikealump
2Icanfeelthegreatemptymountain
3ofherhead.
4Butsheisalive.Sheyawnsand
5scratcheshernoseand
6pullsupthecover.
7SoonIwillkisshergoodnight
8andwewillsleep.
9andfarawayisScotland
10andunderthegroundthe
11gophersrun.
12Ihearenginesinthenight
13andthroughtheskyawhite
14handwhirls:
15goodnight,dear,goodnight.
[Page18]
freedom
1hedrankwineallnightthenightofthe
228th.andhekeptthinkingofher:
3thewayshewalkedandtalkedandloved
4thewayshetoldhimthingsthatseemedtrue
5butwerenot,andheknewthecolorofeach
6ofherdresses
7andhershoesheknewthestockandcurveof
8eachheel
9aswellasthelegshapedbyit.

10andshewasoutagainwhenhecamehome,and
11she'dcomebackwiththespecialstinkagain,
12andshedid
13shecameinat3a.m.inthemorning
14filthylikeadungeatingswine
15and
16hetookoutthebutcherknife
17andshescreamed
18backingintotheroominghousewall
19stillprettysomehow
20inspiteoflove'sreek
21andhefinishedtheglassofwine.
22thatyellowdress
23hisfavorite
24andshescreamedagain.
25andhetookuptheknife
26andunhookedhisbelt
27andtoreawaytheclothbeforeher
28andcutoffhisballs.
[Page19]
29andcarriedtheminhishands
30likeapricots
31andflushedthemdownthe
32toiletbowl
33andshekeptscreaming
34astheroombecamered
35GODOGOD!
36WHATHAVEYOUDONE?
37andhesatthereholding3towels
38betweenhislegs
39notcaringnowwhethersheleftor
40stayed
41woreyelloworgreenor
42anythingatall.
43andonehandholdingandonehand
44liftinghepoured
45anotherwine.
[Page20]
asthesparrow
1Togivelifeyoumusttakelife,
2andasourgrieffallsflatandhollow
3uponthebillionbloodedsea
4Ipassuponseriousinwardbreakingshoalsrimmed
5withwhitelegged,whitebelliedrottingcreatures
6lengthilydeadandriotingagainstsurrounding
scenes.
7Dearchild,Ionlydidtoyouwhatthesparrow
8didtoyou;Iamoldwhenitisfashionabletobe

9young;Icrywhenitisfashionabletolaugh.
10Ihatedyouwhenitwouldhavetakenlesscourage
11tolove.
[Page21]
hiswife,thepainter
1Therearesketchesonthewallsofmenandwomenand
2ducks,
3andoutsidealargegreenbusswervesthroughtraffic
like
4insanitysprungfromawavingline;Turgenev,
Turgenev,
5saystheradio,andJaneAusten,JaneAusten,too.
6"Iamgoingtodoherportraitonthe28th,whileyou
are
7atwork."
8Heisjustthisedgeoffatandhewalksconstantly,
he
9fritters;theyhavehim;theyareeatinghimhollow
like
10awebbedfly,andhiseyesareredsuckledwith
angerfear.
11Hefeelsthehatredanddiscardoftheworld,sharper
than
12hisrazor,andhisgutfeelhangslikeawetpolyp;
andhe
13selfdecisionshimselfdefeatedtryingtoshakehis
14hungbeardfromrazorinwater(likelife),notwarm
enough.
15Daumier.RueTransnonain,le15Avril,1843.
(Lithograph.)
16Paris,BibliothequeNationale.
17"ShehasafaceunlikethatofanywomanIhaveever
18known."
19"Whatisit?Aloveaffair?"
20"Silly.Ican'tloveawoman.Besides,she's
pregnant."
21Icanpaintaflowereatenbyasnake;thatsunlight
isa
22lie;andthatmarketssmellofshoesandnakedboys
clothed,
23andundereverythingsomeriver,somebeat,sometwist
that
[Page22]
24clambersalongtheedgeofmytempleandbites
25nipdizzy...

26mendrivecarsandpainttheirhouses,
27buttheyaremad;mensitinbarberchairs;buyhats.
28Corot.RecollectionofMortefontaine.
29Paris,Louvre.
30"ImustwriteKaiser,thoughIthinkhe'sa
homosexual."
31"AreyoustillreadingFreud?"
32"Page299."
33Shemadealittlehatandhefastenedtwosnapsunder
one
34arm,reachingupfromthebedlikealongfeelerfrom
the
35snail,andshewenttochurch,andhethoughtnowI
h've
36timeandthedog.
37Aboutchurch:thetroublewithamaskisit
38neverchanges.
39Sorudetheflowersthatgrowanddonotgrow
beautiful.
40Somagicthechaironthepatiothatdoesnothold
legs
41andbellyandarmandneckandmouththatbitesinto
the
42windliketheendofatunnel.
43Heturnedinbedandthought:Iamsearchingforsome
44segmentintheair.Itfloatsaboutthepeople's
heads.
45Whenitrainsonthetreesitsitsbetweenthe
branches
46warmerandmorebloodrealthanthedove.
47Orozco.ChristDestroyingtheCross.
48Hanover,DartmouthCollege,BakerLibrary.
49Heburnedawayinsleep.
[Page23]
downthruthemarching
1theycamedownthruthemarching,
2downthruSt.Paul,St.Louis,Atlanta,
3Memphis,NewOrleans,theycame
4downthruthemarching,thru
5balloonsandpopcorn,pastdrugstores
6andblondesandwhirlingcats,
7theycamedownthruthemarching
8scaringthegoatsandthekidsin
9thefields,bangingagainsttheminds
10ofthesickintheirhotbeds,and

11downinthecellarIgotoutthe
12colt.Irippedaholeinthescreen
13forbettervisionandwhenthelegs
14camewalkingbyontopofmyhead,
15Igotacolonel,amajorand3lieutenants
16beforethebandstoppedplaying;
17andnowit'slikeawar,uniforms
18everywhere,behindcarsandbrush,
19andplangplangplang
20mycellarisallfireworks,andI
21fireback,thecoltashotasa
22bakedpotato,Ifirebackandsing
23sing,"Mineeyeshaveseentheglory
24ofthecomingoftheLord;Heis
25trampingoutthevintage..."
[Page24]
thesethings
1thesethingsthatwesupportmostwell
2havenothingtodowithus,
3andwedowiththem
4outofofboredomorfearormoney
5orcrackedintelligence;
6ourcircleandourcandleoflight
7beingsmall,
8sosmallwecannotbearit,
9weheaveoutwithIdea
10andlosetheCenter:
11allwaxwithoutthewick,
12andweseenamesthatoncemeantwisdom,
13likesignsintoghosttowns,
14andonlythegravesarereal.
[Page25]
poemforpersonnelmanagers:
1Anoldmanaskedmeforacigarette
2andIcarefullydealtouttwo.
3"Beenlookin'forjob.Gonnastand
4inthesunandsmoke."
5Hewasclosetoragsandrage
6andheleanedagainstdeath.
7Itwasacoldday,indeed,andtrucks
8loadedandheavyasoldwhores
9bangedandtangledonthestreets...
10Wedroplikeplanksfromarottingfloor
11astheworldstrivestounlockthebone
12thatweightsitsbrain.
13(Godisalonelyplacewithoutsteak.)
14Wearedyingbirds
15wearesinkingships
16theworldrocksdownagainstus

17andwe
18throwoutourarms
19andwe
20throwoutourlegs
21likethedeathkissofthecentipede:
22buttheykindlysnapourbacks
23andcallourpoison"politics."
24Well,wesmoked,heandIlittlemen
25nibblingfishheadthoughts...
[Page26]
26Allthehorsesdonotcomein,
27andasyouwatchthelightsofthejails
28andhospitalswinkonandout,
29andmenhandleflagsascarefullyasbabies,
30rememberthis:
31youareagreatguttedinstrumentof
32heartandbelly,carefullyplanned
33soifyoutakeaplaneforSavannah,
34takethebestplane;
35orifyoueatchickenonarock,
36makeitaveryspecialanimal.
37(Youcallitabird;Icallbirds
38flowers.)
39Andifyoudecidetokillsomebody,
40makeitanybodyandnotsomebody:
41somemenaremadeofmorespecial,precious
42parts:donotkill
43ifyouwill
44apresidentoraKing
45oraman
46behindadesk
47thesehaveheavenlylongitudes
48enlightenedattitudes.
49Ifyoudecide,
50takeus
51whostandandsmokeandglower;
52wearerustywithsadnessand
53feverish
54withclimbingbrokenladders.
55Takeus:
56wewereneverchildren
57likeyourchildren.
[Page27]
58Wedonotunderstandlovesongs
59likeyourinamorata.
60Ourfacesarecrackedlinoleum,
61crackedthroughwiththeheavy,sure
62feetofourmasters.

63Weareshotthroughwithcarrottops
64andpoppyseedandtiltedgrammar;
65wewastedayslikemadblackbirds
66andprayforalcoholicnights.
67Oursilksickhumansmileswraparound
68uslikesomebodyelse'sconfetti:
69wedonotevenbelongtotheParty.
70Weareascenechalkedoutwiththe
71sickwhitebrushofAge.
72Wesmoke,asleepasadishoffigs.
73Wesmoke,deadasafog.
74Takeus.
75Abathtubmurder
76orsomethingquickandbright;ournames
77inthepapers.
78Known,atlast,foramoment
79tomillionsofcarelessandgrapedulleyes
80thatholdthemselvesprivate
81toonlyflickerandflame
82atthepoorcrackerbarreljibes
83oftheirconceited,pamperedcorrectcomedians.
84Known,atlast,foramoment,
85astheywillbeknown
[Page28]
86andasyouwillbeknown
87byanallgraymanonanallgrayhorse
88whositsandfondlesasword
89longerthanthenight
90longerthanthemountain'sachingbackbone
91longerthanallthecries
92thathaveabombedupoutofthroats
93andexplodedinanewer,lessplanned
94land.
95Wesmokeandthecloudsdonotnoticeus.
96AcatwalksbyandshakesShakespeareoffofhisback.
97Tallow,tallow,candlelikewax:ourspines
98arelimpandourconsciousnessburns
99guilelesslyaway
100theremainingwicklifehas
101doledouttous.
102Anoldmanaskedmeforacigarette
103andtoldmehistroubles
104andthis
105iswhathesaid:
106thatAgewasacrime
107andthatPitypickedupthemarbles

108andthatHatredpickedupthe
109cash.
110Hemighthavebeenyourfather
111ormine.
112Hemighthavebeenasexfiend
113orasaint.
114Butwhateverhewas,
115hewascondemned
116andwestoodinthesunand
[Page29]
117smoked
118andlookedaround
119inourleisure
120toseewhowasnextin
121line.
[Page30]
icefortheeagles
1Ikeeprememberingthehorses
2underthemoon
3Ikeeprememberingfeedingthehorses
4sugar
5whiteoblongsofsugar
6morelikeice,
7andtheyhadheadslike
8eagles
9baldheadsthatcouldbiteand
10didnot.
11Thehorsesweremorerealthan
12myfather
13morerealthanGod
14andtheycouldhavesteppedonmy
15feetbuttheydidn't
16theycouldhavedoneallkindsofhorrors
17buttheydidn't.
18Iwasalmost5
19butIhavenotforgottenyet;
20omygodtheywerestrongandgood
21thoseredtonguesslobbering
22outoftheirsouls.
[Page31]
pleatoapassingmaid
1girlinshorts,bitingyournails,revolvingyour
ass,
2theboysarelookingatyou
3youholdmore,it

seems,
4thanGauguinorBrahmaorBalzac,
5more,atleast,thantheskullsthatswimatour
feet,
6yourswaggerbreakstheEiffeltower,
7turnstheheadsofoldnewsboyslongagogone
8sexuallytopot;
9yourcagedmalarkey,youridiot'sdance,
10muggingit,delightfuldon'teverwashstained
under
11wearorchaseyouractsoflove
12throughneighborhoodalleys
13don'tspoilitforus,
14puttingonweightandweariness,
15settlingforTVandanambypambyhusband;
16don'tgiveupthatabsurddispossessedwiggle
17towateraSaturday'sfrontlawn
18don'tsendusbacktoBalzacorintrospection
19orParis
20orwine,don'tsendusback
21totheincubationofourdoubtsorthememory
22ofdeathwiggle,bitch,maddenuswithlove
23andhunger,keepthesharks,thebloodysharks,
24fromtheheart.
[Page32]
wastebasket
1spoorandanemiaanddeviltry
2andwhatcanwemakeofthis?:
3abellyinthetrash...
4downbyMr.Saunders'beercans
5curleduplikeacat;
6lifecanbenolessludicrous
7thanrain
8andasItakethelift
9upto3
10IpassMrs.Swanson
11inthegrate
12powderedandreallydead
13butwalkingon
14buyingsweetsandfats
15andmailingChristmascards;
16andopeningthedoortomyroom
17afatdamselscramblesmyvision
18bottlesfall
19andavoicesays
20whyareallyourpoems
21personal?
[Page33]
:::theoldmovies
1werebest,theFrenchF.Legion
2everymanwithabitchandtheArabschargingdown
3onwhiteparadeponies,andtheSarge'tholdingthe

4fortbyproppingupdeadmenuntilre'forcemnts
arriv'l.
5AndtheoneswiththeboysflyingaroundintheSpads
6fullofwireandoneplat.blondewhoseemedto
symbolize
7everything.MaybeitwasjustbecauseIwasakid
8ormaybeitisn'tthesameanymore.Alltheangles,
9thecautiouspatriots,theairraidwardens,
cigarettes
10forsex,andeventheenemyseemingtoplayagame.
11OrthetimetheyfoundtheJapnurseintheshellhole
12whohadbeenhitinthebreastandwantedsomesulfa
13andoneoftheboyssaid,"Hey,youthinkwecanfuck
14herbeforeshedies?"
[Page34]
peace
1Ithoughtthedovewasthebirdofpeace
2butheretheywereshootingthemout
3ofthebrush
4andclimbingupthesidesofmountains
5andbangingthemdown;
6andeverywherethedoveswent
7therewerethehunters
8blastingandbeamingandblasting,
9andonemanwhodidn't
10intheslightest
11resembleadove
12wasshotintheshoulder;
13andthereweremanycomplaints
14thatthedoves
15weresmallerandscarcer
16thanlastyear,
17butthewaytheyfell
18throughtheair
19whenyoustungthelife
20outofthem
21wasthesame;
22andIwastheretoo
23butIcouldn'tshootanything
24withapaintbrush;
25andacoupleofthem
26cameovertomycanvas
27andstoodandstoodandstood
28untilIfinallysaid,
29forGod'ssake
30golookatPicassoandRembrandt,
31golookatKleeandGauguin,
[Page35]
32listentoasymphonybyMahler,
33andifyougetanything
34outofthat

35comeback
36andstareatmycanvas!
37whatthehell'swrongwith
38him?theoneguy
39said.
40he'snuts.they'reallnuts,
41theotherguysaid.anyhow,
42Igotmy10doves.
43metoo,hisbuddysaid,let's
44gohome:wecanhavethem
45inthepan
46by2:30.
[Page36]
Itastetheashesofyourdeath
1theblossomsshake
2suddenwater
3downmysleeve,
4suddenwater
5coolandclean
6assnow
7asthestemsharp
8swords
9goin
10againstyourbreast
11andthesweetwild
12rocks
13leapover
14and
15lockusin.
[Page37]
forJane:withalltheloveIhad,whichwasnotenough:
1Ipickuptheskirt,
2Ipickupthesparklingbeads
3inblack,
4thisthingthatmovedonce
5aroundflesh,
6andIcallGodaliar,
7Isayanythingthatmoved
8likethat
9orknew
10myname
11couldneverdie
12inthecommonverityofdying,
13andIpick
14upherlovely
15dress,
16allherlovelinessgone,
17andIspeak
18toallthegods,

19Jewishgods,Christgods,
20chipsofblinkingthings,
21idols,pills,bread,
22fathoms,risks,
23knowledgeablesurrender,
24ratsinthegravyof2gonequitemad
25withoutachance,
26hummingbirdknowledge,hummingbirdchance,
27Ileanuponthis,
28Ileanonallofthis
29andIknow:
[Page38]
30herdressuponmyarm:
31but
32theywillnot
33giveherbacktome.
[Page39]
Uruguayorhell
1itshouldhavebeenMexico
2shealwayslikedMexico
3andArizonaandNewMexico
4andtacos,
5butnottheflies
6andsothereIwas
7standingthere
8durable
9visible
10clothed
11waiting.
12thepriestwasangry:
13hehadbeenarguingwiththeboy
14forseveraldays
15overhismother'srighttohavea
16Catholicburial
17andtheyfinallysettled
18thatitcouldnotbein
19church
20buthewouldsaythe
21thingatthegrave.
22thepriestcaredabout
23technicalities
24thesondidnotcare
25exceptaboutthe
26bill.
27Iwasthe
28lover
[Page40]
29andIcaredbutwhatIcaredfor
30wasdead.

31therewerejust3of
32us:son,
33landlady,
34lover.itwas
35hot.thepriestwavedhiswords
36intheairand
37thenhewas
38done.Iwalkedtothe
39priestandthankedhimforthe
40words.
41andwewalked
42off
43wegotintothecar
44wedroveaway.
45itshouldhavebeenMexico
46orUruguayorhell.
47thesonletmeoutatmy
48placeandsaidhe'dwritemeabouta
49stonebutIknewhewaslying
50thatiftherewastobeastone
51theloverwould
52putitthere.
53Iwentupstairsandturnedonthe
54radioandpulleddownthe
55shades.
[Page41]
notice
1theswansdrowninbilgewater,
2takedownthesigns,
3testthepoisons,
4barricadethecow
5fromthebull,
6thepeonyfromthesun,
7takethelavenderkissesfrommynight,
8putthesymphoniesoutonthestreets
9likebeggars,
10getthenailsready,
11flogthebacksofthesaints,
12stunfrogsandmiceforthecat,
13burntheenthrallingpaintings,
14pissonthedawn,
15mylove
16isdead.
[Page42]
forJane
1225daysundergrass
2andyouknowmorethanI.
3theyhavelongtakenyourblood,

4youareadrystickinabasket.
5isthishowitworks?
6inthisroom
7thehoursoflove
8stillmakeshadows.
9whenyouleft
10youtookalmost
11everything.
12Ikneelinthenights
13beforetigers
14thatwillnotletmebe.
15whatyouwere
16willnothappenagain.
17thetigershavefoundme
18andIdonotcare.
[Page43]
conversationonatelephone
1Icouldtellbythecrouchofthecat,
2thewayitwasflattened,
3thatitwasinsanewithprey;
4andwhenmycarcameuponit,
5itroseinthetwilight
6andmadeoff
7withbirdinmouth,
8averylargebird,gray,
9thewingsdownlikebrokenlove,
10thefangsin,
11lifestillthere
12butnotmuch,
13notverymuch.
14thebrokenlovebird
15thecatwalksinmymind
16andIcannotmakehimout:
17thephonerings,
18Iansweravoice,
19butIseehimagainandagain,
20andtheloosewings
21theloosegraywings,
22andthisthingheld
23inaheadthatknowsnomercy;
24itistheworld,itisours;
25Iputthephonedown
26andthecatsidesoftheroom
27comeinuponme
28andIwouldscream,
29buttheyhaveplacesforpeople
[Page44]

30whoscream;
31andthecatwalks
32thecatwalksforever
33inmybrain.
[Page45]
antscrawlmydrunkenarms
1Oantscrawlmydrunkenarms
2andtheyletVanGoghsitinacornfield
3andtakeLifeoutoftheworldwitha
4shotgun,
5antscrawlmydrunkenarms
6andtheysetRimbaud
7torunninggunsandlookingunderrocks
8forgold,
9Oantscrawlmydrunkenarms,
10theyputPoundinanuthouse
11andmadeCranejumpintothesea
12inhispajamas,
13ants,antscrawlmydrunkenarms
14asourschoolboysscreamforWillieMays
15insteadofBach,
16antscrawlmydrunkenarms
17throughthedrinkIreach
18forsurfboardsandsinks,forsunflowers
19andthetypewriterfallslikeaheartattack
20fromthetable
21oradeadSundaybull,
22andtheantscrawlintomymouth
23anddownmythroat,
24Iwashthemdownwithwine
25andpulluptheshades
26andtheyareonthescreen
27andonthestreets
28climbingchurchtowers
29andintotirecasings
30lookingforsomethingelse
31toeat.
[Page46]
aliterarydiscussion
1MarkovclaimsIamtrying
2tostabhissoul
3butI'dpreferhiswife.
4Iputmyfeetonthecoffeetable
5andhesays,
6Idon'tmindyouputting
7yourfeetonthecoffeetable
8exceptthatthelegsarewobbly
9andthething
10willfallapart
11anyminute.

12Ileavemyfeetonthetable
13butI'dpreferhiswife.
14Iwouldrather,saysMarkov,
15entertainaditchdigger
16oranewsvendor
17becausetheyarekindenough
18toobservethedecencies
19eventhough
20theydon'tknow
21Rimbaudfromratpoison.
22myemptybeercan
23rollstothefloor.
24thatImustdie
25bothersmelessthan
26astraw,saysMarkov,
[Page47]
27mypartofthegame
28isthatImustlive
29thebestIcan.
30Igrabhiswifeasshewalksby,
31andthenhercanisagainstmybelly,
32andshehasfinekneesandbreasts
33andIkissher.
34itisnotsobad,beingold,hesays,
35acalmnesssetsin,buthere'sthecatch:
36tokeepcalmnessanddeadness
37separate;nevertolookuponyouth
38asinferiorbecauseyouareold,
39nevertolookuponageaswisdom
40becauseyouhaveexperience.a
41mancanbeoldandafool
42manyare,amancanbeyoung
43andwisefeware.a
44forChrist'sallsake,Iwailed,
45shutup!
46hewalkedoverandgothiscaneand
47walkedout.
48you'vehurthisfeelings,shesaid,
49hethinksyouareagreatpoet.
50he'stooslickforme,Isaid,
51he'stoowise.
52Ihadoneofherbreastsout.
53itwasamonstrous
54beautiful
55thing.

[Page48]
watermelon
1andthewindowsopenedthatnight,
2aceilingdrippedthesweat
3ofatingod,
4andIsateatingawatermelon,
5allfalsered,
6waterlikeslowrunningofrusty
7tears,
8andIspitoutseeds
9andswallowedseeds,
10andIkeptthinking
11Iamafool
12Iamafool
13toeatthiswatermelon,
14butIkepteating
15anyhow.
[Page49]
foroneIknew
1Ofalltheironbedsinparadise
2yourswasthemostcruel
3andIwassmokeinyourmirror
4andyousluicedyourhairwithjade,
5butyouwereawomanandIwasa
6boy,butboyenoughforanironbed
7andmanenoughforwine
8andyou.
9nowIamaman,
10manenoughforall,
11andyouare,you
12are
13old
14notnowsocruel,
15nowyourironbed
16isempty.
[Page50]
whenHugoWolfwentmad
1HugoWolfwentmadwhileeatinganonion
2andwritinghis253rdsong;itwasrainy
3Aprilandthewormscameoutoftheground
4hummingTannhuser,andhespilledhismilk
5withhisink,andhisbloodfellouttothewalls
6andhehowledandheroaredandhescreamed,and
7down
8stairshislandladysaid,Iknewit,thatrottenson
9ofa

10bitchhasdummieduphisbrain,he'sjackedoff
11hislastpiece
12ofmusicandnowI'llnevergettherent,andsome
13dayhe'llbefam
14ousandthey'llburyhimintherain,butrightnow
15Iwishhe'dshut
16upthatgoddamnedscreamingformymoneyhe's
17asillypansyjackass
18andwhentheymovehimoutofhere,Ihopethey
19moveinagoodsolidfish
20erman
21orahangman
22orasellerof
23Biblicaltracts.
[Page51]
riot
1thereasonfortheriotwaswekeptgettingbeans
2andaguardgrabbedacoloredboywhothrewhison
3thefloor
4andsomebodytouchedabutton
5andeverybodywasgrabbingeverybody;
6Iclubbedmybestfriendbehindtheear
7somebodythrewcoffeeinmyface
8(whatthehell,youcouldn'tdrinkit)
9andIgotouttotheyard
10andIheardthegunsgoing
11anditseemedlikeeveryconhadaknifebutme,
12andallIcoulddowasprayandrun
13andIdidn'thaveagodandwasfatfromplaying
14pokerforpennieswithmycellmate,
15andthewarden'svoicestartedcomingoverthecans,
16andIheardlater,intheconfusion,
17thecookrapedasailor,
18andIlostmyshavingcream,apackofsmokes
19andacopyofTheNewYorker;
20also3menwereshot,
21ahalfdozenknifed,
2235putinthehole,
23allyardprivilegessuspended,
24thescrewsasjitteryasL.A.bookies,
25theprisonradiooff,
26realquiet,
27visitorssenthome,
28butthenextmorning
29wedidgetourmail
30aletterfromSt.Louis:
[Page52]
31DearCharles,Iamsorryyouareinprison,
32butyoucannotbreakthelaw,
33andtherewasapressedcarnation,
34perfume,theloomingofoutside,
35kissesandpanties,
36laughterandbeer,

37andthatnightfordinner
38theymarchedusallbackdown
39tothebeans.
[Page53]
meanwhile
1neitherdoesthismean
2thedeadare
3atthedoor
4beggingbread
5before
6thestockpiles
7blow
8likeallthe
9stormsandhell
10inonebiglove,
11butanyhow
12Irenteda6dollaraweek
13room
14inChinatown
15withawindowaslargeasthe
16sideoftheworld
17filledwithnightfliesandneon,
18lightedlikeBroadway
19tofrightenawayrats,
20andIwalkedintoabarandsatdown,
21andtheChinamanlookedatmyrags
22andsaid
23nocredit
24andIpulledoutahundreddollarbill
25andaskedforacupofConfuciusjuice
26and2Chinadollswithslitsofeyes
27justaboutthesizeoftherestofthem
28slidcloser
29andwesat
30andwe
31waited.
[Page54]
apoemisacity
1apoemisacityfilledwithstreetsandsewers
2filledwithsaints,heroes,beggars,madmen,
3filledwithbanalityandbooze,
4filledwithrainandthunderandperiodsof
5drought,apoemisacityatwar,
6apoemisacityaskingaclockwhy,
7apoemisacityburning,
8apoemisacityunderguns
9itsbarbershopsfilledwithcynicaldrunks,
10apoemisacitywhereGodridesnaked
11throughthestreetslikeLadyGodiva,
12wheredogsbarkatnight,andchaseaway
13theflag;apoemisacityofpoets,
14mostofthemquitesimilar

15andenviousandbitter...
16apoemisthiscitynow,
1750milesfromnowhere,
189:09inthemorning,
19thetasteofliquorandcigarettes,
20nopolice,nolovers,walkingthestreets,
21thispoem,thiscity,closingitsdoors,
22barricaded,almostempty,
23mournfulwithouttears,agingwithoutpity,
24thehardrockmountains,
25theoceanlikealavenderflame,
26amoondestituteofgreatness,
27asmallmusicfrombrokenwindows...
28apoemisacity,apoemisanation,
29apoemistheworld...
[Page55]
30andnowIstickthisunderglass
31forthemadeditor'sscrutiny,
32andnightiselsewhere
33andfaintgrayladiesstandinline,
34dogfollowsdogtoestuary,
35thetrumpetsbringongallows
36assmallmenrantatthings
37theycannotdo.
[Page56]
thecat
1thehuntergoesbymywindow
24feetlockedinthebrightstillnessofa
3yellowandblue
4night.
5cruelstrangenesstakesholdinwars,in
6gardens
7theyellowandbluenightexplodesbefore
8me,atomic,surgical,
9fullofstarlit
10devils...
11thenthecatleapsuponthe
12fence,atubbydismay,
13stupid,lonely,
14whiskerslikeanoldladyinthe
15supermarket
16andnakedasthe
17moon.
18Iamtemporarily
19delighted.
[Page57]
hermitinthecity

1Idleintheforestofmyroom
2withtungstentrees,owlboilingcoffee,
3webscowledingoldoverwindows
4staringoutwardintohell;
5cigarettebreath:statuesofperfection,
6notstuffedorwhirledincancers
7ofranting;
8enginesandwheelscrawltogaseous
9endsalongthesabretooth;
10mytreesclimbwithmonkeyrhyme,
11climboutthroughtheceiling
12breakingTVantennasand
13thedullhowlofcannedlaughter,
14cannedhumor,canneddeath;
15idle,idleinthisforest,
16callalilies,grass,stone,
17allnighttimelevelpeace
18ofnobombersorfaces,
19andIdreamthestonedream,
20thegrassdream,
21theriverrunningthroughmy
22fingerbones
23onehundredandfiftyyearsaway,
24leavingshotsofgritandgold
25andradium,
26liftedandturned
27bydizziedfish
28anddropped,
29raisingflecksofsand
30inmysleep...
[Page58]
31Theowlspitshiscoffee,
32mymonkeyschitthegibberishplan,
33andmywalls,
34mywallshelpenduretheseizing.
[Page59]
II
Epigraph
IdreamedIdrankanArrowshirtandstoleabrokenpail
[Page61]
allyellowflowers
1throughthevenetianblindsIsawafatmanina
browncoat
2(withaheadIcanonlydescribeaslikea
marshmallow)
3dragthecasketfromthehearse:itwasbattleship
gray
4withallyellowflowers.

5theyputitonarollerthatwashiddeninpurple
drape
6andthemarshmallowmanandonepincrispbloodless
woman
7walkedforhimuptheincline...and!
8gorebellhorrorsheersheenworldendingmoment!
9almostlosingITthere,once
10Icouldseethebodyrollingout
11likeoneloosediceinalosinggamethearmswaving
12windmillsandlegskickingautumnfootballs.
13theymadeitintothechurch
14andIremainedoutside
15openingmybraintolivingsunlight.
16intheroomwithmeshewassingingandrollingher
17longgoldenhair.(thisistrueArturo,andthatis
what
18makesitsosimple.)
19"Ijustsawthemtakeinabody,"
20Ifashionedtoher.
21it'sautumn,it'strees,it'stelephonewires,
22andshesingssomesongIcan'tunderstand,someHigh
Mass
23ofLife.
24shewentonsingingbutIwantedtodie
25Iwantedyellowflowerslikehergoldenhair
26Iwantedyellowsingingandthesun.
[Page62]
27thisistrue,andthatiswhatmakesitsostrange:
28Iwantedtobeopenedanduntangled,and
29tossedaway.
[Page63]
whatseemstobethetrouble,gentlemen?
1theservicewasbad
2andthebellboykeptbringingintowels
3atthewrongmoment.
4drunk,Ifinallyclubbedhimalong
5thesideofthehead.
6hewasalittlemanandhefell
7likeanOctoberleaf,
8quitedone,
9andwhenthefuzzcameup
10Ihadthesofainfrontofthedoor
11andthechainon,
12the2ndmovementofBrahms'FirstSymphony
13andhadmyhandhalfwayuptheass
14ofabroadoldenoughtobemygrandmother
15andtheybrokethegoddamneddoor,
16pushedthesofaaside;

17Islappedthescreamingchippy
18andturnedandasked,
19whatseemstobethetrouble,gentlemen?
20andsomeyoungkidwhohadnevershaved
21broughthisstickdownagainstmyhead
22andinthemorningIwasintheprisonward
23chainedtomybed
24anditwashot,
25thesweatcomingdownthroughthewhite
26senselesssheet,
27andtheyaskedallsortsofsillyquestions
28andIknewI'dbelateforwork,
29whichworriedmeimmensely.
[Page64]
springswan
1swansdieintheSpringtoo
2andthereitfloated
3deadonaSunday
4sideways
5circlingincurrent
6andIwalkedtotherotunda
7andoverhead
8godsinchariots
9dogs,women
10circled,
11anddeath
12randownmythroat
13likeamouse,
14andIheardthepeoplecoming
15withtheirpicnicbags
16andlaughter,
17andIfeltguilty
18fortheswan
19asifdeath
20wereathingofshame
21andlikeafool
22Iwalkedaway
23andleftthem
24mybeautifulswan.
[Page65]
remains
1thingsaregoodasIamnotdeadyet
2andtheratsmoveinthebeercans,
3thepapersacksshufflelikesmalldogs,
4andherphotographsarestuckontoapainting
5byadeadGermanandshetooisdead
6andittook14yearstoknowher
7andiftheygivemeanother14
8Iwillknowheryet...
9herphotosstuckovertheglass
10neithermovenorspeak,
11butIevenhavehervoiceontape,

12andshespeakssomeevenings,
13heragain
14sorealshelaughs
15saysthethousandthings,
16theonethingIalwaysignored;
17thiswillneverleaveme:
18thatIhadlove
19andlovedied;
20aphotoandapieceoftape
21isnotmuch,Ihavelearnedlate,
22butgiveme14daysor14years,
23Iwillkillanyman
24whowouldtouchortake
25whatever'sleft.
[Page66]
themomentoftruth
1hediedasuicideinaDetroithotelroom
2onskidrow
3andhewasstiffwhentheyfoundhim,
4ratpoison...
5Iwasmanagingtheplacethen,
6tryingtocollectrentsand
7emptyingthetrash,
8andIstoodthereandwatchedthemputtheneedlein
him,
9hiseyeswerewideopenandoneofthemslidhiseyes
10shut,andthentheneedlebegantotakehold,
11hehaddiedstiffuprightinthechair
12andhebegantoloosenup
13andtheyfoundacoupleoflettersfromhissister
14inanothercity,threwhimonthestretcherandtook
him
15downthestairs.thesheetswerestillkindaclean
16soIjustmadethebedoveragain,cleanedoutthe
dresser,
17andwhenIwalkedout,allthewinoswereinthehall
18intheirpantsanddirtyundershirts,needingshaves
and
19somethingto
20drink,andItoldthem:"allright,allyoumonkeys
21clearthegoddamnedhalls!youhurtmyeyesight!"
22"amandied,sir.hewasourfriend,"oneofthem
said.
23itwasBennytheDip."allright,Benny,"Itoldhim,
24"you'vegotonenightleftinheretogetupthe
rent!"
25youshouldhaveseentherestofthemdisappear:
26deathdoesn'tmatteradamnwhenyouneedaplace
27tosleep.
[Page67]
onthefiresuicidesofthebuddhists

"TheyonlyburnthemselvestoreachParadise."
Mme.Nhu
1originalcourageisgood,
2motivationbedamned,
3andifyousaytheyaretrained
4tofeelnopain,
5arethey
6guaranteedthis?
7isitstillnotpossible
8todieforsomebodyelse?
9yousophisticates
10wholaybackand
11makestatementsofexplanation,
12Ihaveseentheredroseburning
13andthismeansmore.
[Page68]
adivision
1Iliveinanoldhousewherenothing
2screamsvictory
3readshistory
4wherenothing
5plantsflowers
6sometimesmyclockfalls
7sometimesmysunislikeatankonfire
8Idonotask
9yourarmies
10or
11yourkisses
12or
13yourdeath
14Ihavemy
15own
16myhandshavearms
17myarmshaveshoulders
18myshouldershaveme
19Ihaveme
20youhavemewhenyoucanseeme
21butIdon'tlikeyou
22toseeme
23Idonotlikeyoutoseethat
24Ihaveeyesinmyhead
25andcanwalk
26and
27Idonotwantto
[Page69]
28answeryourquestions

29Idonotwantto
30amuseyou
31Idonotwantyouto
32amuseme
33orsickenme
34ortalkabout
35anything
36Idonotwantto
37loveyou
38Idonotwantto
39saveyou
40Idonotwantyourarms
41Idonotwantyour
42shoulders
43Ihaveme
44youhaveyou
45letthat
46be.
[Page70]
conversationwithaladysippingastraightshot
1andJoehewasnotmuchgood
2evenathalfpast40,heinsensibly
3lovedwhoreandhorseliketheaverageman,
4hisagewouldlovewhatbroughtupcolor
5outofthestemofadahlia,butsoitgoes,
6thegodsbreakusinhalfwithmorethan
7lightning,twicemarriedtwicedivorced,
8whocanaskformorethanbloodshoteyes
9andbumblebeebelly,goodmenarebroken
10dailyintheKoreaofuselesssunlight;
11quittingjobs,gettingfiredmorethanrockets,
12knowingnothing,absolutelynothing
13exceptmaybethewayhewantedhishaircut,
14bouncinglikea16yearoldkidoutofa
15baddream,alwayslateforwork
16butneverlateforthefirstrace
17ortheendstooldownattheHAPPYNIGHT.
18thesayingis,Joenevergrewup
19butinanotherwayhenevergrewdowneither,
20tryingtopufflifeintohimselfthroughhis
21cheapcigarandflatjukeboxmusic,
22orfatJunewhodidn'tcareeither,
23tellingheroverandover,
24Baby,wait'llyouseewhatI'vegot!
25asifthewholethingweresomethingnew
26andfatJunestaringintoherallimportantbeer
27shakingitandenjoyingit
28asshewouldneverenjoyherselfagain.
29andwhenJoewent,achildwent,

30buttheyrememberhim:thewhores,thebartenders,
[Page71]
31thebosses,thestateunemploymentoffices,
32andthejocks
33thewayheusedtostanddownbytherail
34andsayastheyparadedpast:
35"Hi,Willie!How'syourmothertoday?"
36or,"Eddie,yououghtagetonemadeofwood,
37thewayyou'reridinglately."
38JoeIsawonthatlastnightandhethrewhis
39glassintothemirrorandthebartender
40madashellchasedhimwithabaseballbat
41swingingathisballsandeverythingelse,
42drivinghimoutintothestreetandintothepath
43ofabullwithonehornthatdidn'tsound,
44anewCadalottougherthanJoeandalotmore
45valuable,andthat'sthewaythescalesbalance:
46brokenmirror,brokenJoe.
47andwhenIwentinthenextnightthemirrorwas
48stillbrokenandHelen,fatHelen,wasshakingher
beer,
49andIboughtherashotandIsaid,"Baby,I'vegot
50somethingtoshowyou,somethinglikeyou'venever
51seenbefore."
52andshesmiled,butitwasn'twhatshewasthinking.
[Page72]
thewayitwillhappeninsideacanofpeaches
1todiewithyourbootson
2whilewritingpoetry
3isnotasglorious
4asridingahorse
5downBroadway
6withastickofdynamite
7inyourteeth,
8butneitheris
9addingthesumtotal
10ofalltheplanets
11namedorvisible
12toman,
13andthehorsewasagray,
14theman'snamewas
15SanchezorKandinsky,
16itwas79degrees
17andthechildrenkept
18yelling,
19hoghog
20wearetired
21blowustohell.
[Page73]

sceneinatentoutsidethecottonfieldsofBakersfield:
1wefoughtfor17daysinsidethattent
2thrustingandcounterthrusting
3butfinallyshegotaway
4andIwalkedoutside
5andspit
6inthedirtysand.
7Abdullah,Isaid,whydon'tyou
8washyourshorts?you'vebeen
9wearingthesame
10shorts
11for17years.
12Effendi,hesaid,it'sthesun,
13thesuncleanseverything.what
14wentwiththegirl?
15Idon'tknowifIcouldn't
16pleaseher
17orifIcouldn't
18catchher.shewas
19prettyyoung.
20whatdidshecost,Effendi?
2117camel.
22hewhistledthroughhisbroken
23teeth.aren'tyougoing
24tocatchher?
[Page74]
25howinthehellhow?canIget
26mycamelsback?
27youareanAmerican,hesaid.
28Iwalkedintothetent
29fellupontheground
30andheldmyhead
31within
32myhands.
33suddenlysheburstwithin
34thetent
35laughingmadly,
36Americano,
37Americano!
38please
39goaway
40Isaidquietly.
41menare,shesaidsittingdownandrollingdown

42herstockings,somepartstittyandsomeparts
43tiger.youdon'tmind
44ifIrolldown
45mystockings?
46Idon'tmind,Isaid,
47ifyourolldownthetop
48ofyourdress.whoresare
49alwaysrollingdown
50theirhose.please
51goaway.Ireadwhere
52thecruisercrewpassedthehelmet
53fortheredcross;IthinkI'll
[Page75]
54havethempassit
55tobraceyourflabby
56butt.
57have'empassthehelmettwice,dad,
58shesaid,howcumyoudon'tloveme
59nomore?
60Ibeenthinking,Isaid,
61howcanLovehaveaurinarytract
62anddistendedbowels?
63packup,daughter,andflow,
64maneuveroutofthemansions
65ofmysight!
66youforget,daddyo,we'rein
67mytent!
68oh,christ,Isaid,thetrivialities
69ofprivateownership!where'smy
70hat?
71youwerewearingatowel,dad,but
72kissme,daddy,holdmeinyourarms!
73Iwalkedoverandmauledherbreasts.
74Idrinktoomuchbeer,shesaid,
75Ican'thelpitifI
76piss.
77wefuckedfor17days.
[Page76]
nightanimal
1Ihaveneverseensuchananimal
2exceptperhapsonce,
3butthatisanotherstory
4thereitstood,
5nolion

6yetnodog
7nodeeryetdeer
8frozennose
9andeye,alleyegatheringallthe
10moonlightthathungintrees;
11andeverywherethepeopleslept;
12IsawbombersoverBrazil,
13cathedralschokedinsilk,
14thegraydiceofVegas,
15aVanGoghoverthekitchensink.
16home,Ipouredadrink
17tookoffmyglovesyougoddamnedthing
18whycouldyouhavenotbeenawoman
19withallyourbeauty,
20withallyourbeauty
21Ihavenotfoundheryet.
[Page77]
onthetraintoDelMar
1Igetonthetrainonthewaytothetrack
2it'sdownnearDago
3andthisgivessomespaceandrollingand
4Ihavemypint
5andIwalktothebarcarforacoupleof
6beers
7andIweaveuponthefloor
8THACKTHACKTHACKATHACKTHACK
9THACKATHACK
10andsomeofitcomesback
11alittleofitcomesback
12likesomegreeninaleafafteralong
13dryness
14andthesuncrashesintothebarcarlikea
15bullandthebartenderseesthat
16Iamfeelinggood
17hesmilesarealsmileand
18asks
19"How'sitgoing?"
20how'sitgoing?myheelsaredown
21myshoescracked
22Iamwearingmyfather'spantsandhedied
2310yearsago
24Ineed8teethpulled
25myintestinehasapartialblockage
26Ipuffonadimecigar
27"Great!"Ianswerhim,
28"howyoumaking?"
[Page78]
29gloryglorygloryandthetrainrollson
30pastthesea

31pastthesandand
32downinbetweenthe
33cliffs.
[Page79]
Ithoughtofships,ofarmies,hangingon...
1Ihavepracticeddeathforsolong
2andstillIhavenotlearnedit,
3andtonightIcamein
4andmygoldfishwasnotinhisbowl,
5hehadleaped
6forreasonsofhisown
7(Ihadchangedthewater;itmighthavebeen
8afly...)
9andhewasnowontherug
10withblackspotsuponhisgoldenbody,
11andhewasstillandhewasstiff
12butIputhimbackinthewater
13(somesoundtoldmetodothis)
14andIseemedtoseethegillsmove,
15alargeairbubbleformed
16butthebodywasstillstiff
17butmiraculously
18itdidnotfloatflat
19thetailpartwasdowninthewater,
20andIthoughtofships,ofarmies,
21hangingon,
22andthenIsawthesmallfins
23neartheundersideofthehead
24move
25andIsatdownonthecouch
26andtriedtoread,
27triednottothink
28thatthewomanwhohadgivenmethesefish
29wasnowdead6months,
30theworldgoingonpastlivingthings
31nownolongerliving,
[Page80]
32andtheotherfishhaddied.
33hehadovereaten,hehadeatenhismeal
34andmostofthemealofthesmallone,
35andnowthewomanwasgone
36andthesmallonewasstiff,
37andanhourlater
38whenIgotup
39hefloatedflatandfinished;
40hiseyeslookingupatmedidnotlookatme
41butintoplacesIcouldnotsee,
42andtheslavecarriedthemaster,
43thisgoldfishwithblackspots
44anddumpedhimintothetoilet
45andflushedhimaway.
46Iputthebowlinthecorner

47andthought,Ireallycannotstand
48muchmoreofthis.
49deadfish,deadladies,deadwars.
50itdoesseemamiracletoseeanybodyalive
51andnowsomebodyontheradioisplaying
52aguitarveryslowlyandIthink,yes,
53hetoo:hisfingers,hishands,hismind,
54andhismusicgoesonbutitisverystill
55itisveryquiet,andIamtired.
[Page81]
warandpiece
1alltheeffortsoftheSpanishtoeffectpeace
2wereinvainandDomenicocameoverthehill
3andshotthewhitechickenandrapedthewoman
4inthehut,andthenherodeuptheroad
5noticingthepinkanemones,thelazytoads,
6andwhenhegottotownheateahottamale,
7andthroughthewindowhesawthefleet
8andthefleetputitsgunsevenwiththetown,
9hesawthat,andincameawindoffire,
10andinthesmokehegrabbedthecigarettegirl
11andrapedher,thenhegotbackonhismule
12whichsteppedcarefullyoverthedead
13andherodebacktothevillagewherehisownhut
14stillstood,andtheoldladywasoutside
15rubbingclothesonrocksbythestream,
16andintheaircametheplanes
17lookingthemover
18bankingtheirwings
19andfinallydeciding
20thattheywerenotworththebombs,
21theyleft
22likelargeundecidedbutterflies,
23andDomenicowentinsideandfell
24uponthefloor
25andtheoldladycamein
26wigglingwhatwasleft,
27andhesaid,warisahorriblething,
28andhewonderedifanybodywouldeverbother
29torapeher,
30hewouldnotstopthem,they
[Page82]
31couldhaveit,notmuchthere,nothing,
32andhedecidedthatsleepwasbetterthannothing
33andhewenttosleep.
[Page83]
18carsfullofmenthinkingofwhatcouldhavebeen
1drivinginfromthetrack

2Isawawomaningreen
3allrumpandbreastanddizzinessrunning
4acrossthestreet.
5shewasassexyasa
6greenanddrunkenantelopeand
7whenshegottothecurbingshe
8trippedandfell
9downand
10satinthegutterand
11Isatthereinmycar
12lookingatherand
13oddly
14Ifeltmostimpassiveasif
15nothinghadhappenedand
16Isattherelookingatthis
17greencreatureuntil
18amovingvan60feetlongcame
19toastopand
20helpedthe
21lady
22up.
23ayoungmaninwhiteoveralls
24flushedredandthegirlwasbuilt
25allaroundallaroundand
26stupidwithfallingandstupidwithlifeand
27swayingonthetowerstiltsofher
28heels
29shestoodthererubbingher
30whitekneesand
[Page84]
31theyoungmankepttalkingto
32her
33hewasbigdumbblondpinkandlonely
34butthen
35thewomanaskedhim
36wherethenearestbarwasand
37hegrinnedandpointeddownthestreetand
38gaveit
39up
40hegotbackintothetruckand
4160feetfullof
42furnitureandblanketandstove
43pulledondownthestreet
44andthegreenantelope
45crossedthestreet
46towardthebar
47wobblingandshaking
48shakingandwobbling
49everythingand
50wesattransfixedand
51watching
52until
53inthebackeduptraffic
54behindme
55amanofstrength
56honked

57andIputthethingindrive
58slowingforthebigdip
59bythemarket
60thatcouldtearyourcarin
61half
62andtheyallfollowedme
63slowingforthedip
64too:
6518carsfullofmenthinkingof
66whatcouldhavebeen
[Page85]
67abouttheonewho
68gotawayand
69itwasaboutsunsetand
70heavytrafficandheavy
71life.
[Page86]
thescrewgame
1oneoftheterriblethingsis
2really
3beinginbed
4nightafternight
5withawomanyounolonger
6wanttoscrew.
7theygetold,theydon'tlookverygood
8anymoretheyeventendto
9snore,lose
10spirit.
11so,inbed,youturnsometimes,
12yourfoottoucheshers
13god,awful!
14andthenightisoutthere
15beyondthecurtains
16sealingyoutogether
17inthe
18tomb.
19andinthemorningyougotothe
20bathroom,passinthehall,talk,
21sayoddthings;eggsfry,motors
22start.
23butsittingacross
24youhave2strangers
25jammingtoastintomouths
26burningthesullenheadandgutwith
27coffee.
[Page87]
28in10millionplacesinAmerica

29itisthesame
30stalelivesproppedagainsteach
31other
32andnoplaceto
33go.
34yougetinthecar
35andyoudrivetowork
36andtherearemorestrangersthere,mostofthem
37wivesandhusbandsofsomebody
38else,andbesidestheguillotineofwork,they
39flirtandjokeandpinch,sometimestendto
40workoffaquickscrewsomewhere
41theycan'tdoitathome
42andthen
43thedrivebackhome
44waitingforChristmasorLaborDayor
45Sundayor
46something.
[Page88]
anightofMozart
1Theyslithispocketsandshothiminhiscar,
2eighteenhundreddollarssplitfourways,
3andIusedtoseehimatthetrack
4watchingthetote
5andgoingthelastflickbullrushtowardthewindow;
6henevertookadrink
7andhenevertookawomanhomewithhim,
8andheneverspoketoanyone,
9andIneverspoketoanyoneeither
10excepttoorderadrink
11orifahustlerhadgoodlegsandass
12toletherknow
13overascotchandwater
14thatlaterwouldbeo.k.;
15whatIamgettingatis
16thatthisguywasapro,
17itwasabusinesswithhim,
18hedidn'tcomeouttohollerandgetdrunk
19andgetfucked
20hecameouttomakeit,whichisbetter
21thanpunchinganotherman'stimeclock;
22whenIsawhimbullrushingthe$50window
23lateintheyear
24IknewhewasmakingitmuchbetterthanI;
25theboardhadshowedalotoffalseflashes,
26somenutwitharollwasdroppinginoneortwogrand
27atthelastminute,butthisguywasjustthat,
28anutwithmoney,andwefinallyhadtogothrough
29theroutineoffindingoutwhathewasbetting
30andflushingthehorseout
31beforewegotourbetsdown;thismadeonesweaty
[Page89]

32latebullrush...anyhow,thequietonedidn't
33worryaboutthisandalwayslaidhisbetalittle
ahead
34oftimeandwalkedoff;hekeptgettingbetter,
35hisclotheslookedbetter,helookedcalmer,
36andyoucouldseehimofftotheside,
37aftermostraces,shovingbillsintohiswallet,
38andJeanette,oneofthebetterhustlers,said,
39"I'dstarthimoffwithablowjobandthentwist
40hisnutsuntilhetoldmehowhedidit..."
41"Wouldyoudothattome,baby?"Iasked.
42"Withyourmethodofplayyou'reluckytohave
43admission,"shesaiddowningadrinkthathadcostme
4485."DoyoustillhaveacollectionofMozart?"
45Iaskedher."What'sthatgottodowithit?"she
asked.
46Iwalkedoff.
47Ireadaboutitinthepapersnextday.Witnesses
48saidtherewere3ofthemandawomanatthewheel.
49IsawJeanetteatthebar."Hello,Mozart,"shesaid.
50Shelookedalittlenervousandatthesametimeshe
51seemedtofeelprettygood."I'lltakeadouble
52shotrightnow,"Isaid."Andafterthenextrace,
53IthinkI'llhaveavodka.I'mgoingtomixthemall
day.
54Haven't
55beenrealdrunkinacoupleofyears."
56Shewatchedmelightingacigarette,thenItoldher,
"Also,I
57wantapackofsmokes,andyouaregoinghomewithme
58tonightand
59wearegoingtolistentoMozartallnight.Youare
goingto
60likeit.Youaregoingtohavetolikeit."
61Shepaidforthedrink."You'relookingfortrouble,"
shetold
62me."Bitch,"Isaid,"Ihavebeentryingtocommit
suicide
63for
64years."
[Page90]
65Ihadagoodday.WewenthomeandlistenedtoMozart
for
66hours.
67Shewasasgoodaseveronthesprings.Onlythistime
there
68was
69nocharge.Thenshecriedhalfthenightandsaidshe
loved
70me.
71Iknewwhatthatwasfor.
72ThenextafternoonatthetrackIdidn'tspeaktoher,

and
73Iwon
74onehundredandtwelvedollars,notcountingdrinks
and
75admission,
76andIkeptlookingbackthroughtherearviewwindowas
77Idrove,
78bigtime,andthenIbegantolaugh,shit,theyknewI
was
79nothing,
80Iwassafe;Ishouldtellthescrewsbutwhenamanis
dead
81thescrewscan'tbringhimback.
82Igothomeandopenedafifthofscotch,tiredof
Mozart
83ItriedTheRake'sProgressbyStrav.
84IreadtheRacingFormforabout30minutes,putina
long
85distance
86calltosomewomaninSacramento,drankalittlemore
and
87wentto
88bed,alone,about11:30.
[Page91]
sleepingwoman
1Isitupinbedatnightandlistentoyou
2snore
3Imetyouinabusstation
4andnowIwonderatyourback
5sickwhiteandstainedwith
6children'sfreckles
7asthelampdiveststheunsolvable
8sorrowoftheworld
9uponyoursleep.
10Icannotseeyourfeet
11butImustguessthattheyare
12mostcharmingfeet.
13whodoyoubelongto?
14areyoureal?
15Ithinkofflowers,animals,birds
16theyallseemmorethangood
17andsoclearly
18real.
19yetyoucannothelpbeinga
20woman.weareeachselectedtobe
21something.thespider,thecook.
22theelephant.itisasifwewereeach
23apaintingandhungonsome
24gallerywall.

25andnowthepaintingturns
26uponitsback,andoveracurvingelbow
27Icansee?amouth,oneeyeand
[Page92]
28almostanose.
29therestofyouishidden
30outofsight
31butIknowthatyouarea
32contemporary,amodernliving
33work
34perhapsnotimmortal
35butwehave
36loved.
37pleasecontinueto
38snore.
[Page93]
whenyouwaitforthedawntocrawlthroughthescreenlikea
burglartotakeyourlifeaway
1thesnakehadcrawledthehole,
2andshesaid,
3tellmeabout
4yourself.
5and
6Isaid,
7Iwasbeatendown
8longago
9insomealley
10inanother
11world.
12andshesaid,
13we'reall
14likepigs
15slappeddownsomelane,
16our
17grassbrains
18singing
19towardthe
20blade.
21by
22god,
23you'rean
24oddone,
25Isaid.
[Page94]
26we
27satthere
28smoking

29cigarettes
30at
315
32inthemorning.
[Page95]
poemwhilelookingatanencyclopedia:
1itisapageofreptiles,greenpinkfuchsia
2slimemotif
3sexualorgans
4lipsteethfangs
5inthegrassofmybrain
6bringingdown1917Spads,
7gameswithtoycars
8inaboy'sbackyard;
9andeggseggseggs
10ofthehognosesnake
11shecirclestheminthesun,
12lifeisanelectricwhip,
13andha!thecopperhead
14helooksabout,tinybrain
15intheairsearching
16awisenessassmallas
17seethingtostrokeadeath;
18andthehornedtoad:
19fatlittleshitterin
20fakearmour
21heblinksblinks
22blinksinthesun
23watchingtheflies
24heisatiredoldman
25beyondhardlycaring
26hejustlooksandwaits
27verydry
28(wantingstorm)
29powerless
30(withoutdesirefor)
31ungiftedhe
[Page96]
32waitstobeeaten;
33andthegilamonster
34andthecollaredlizard,
35theboxturtle,
36thechuckwalla,
37heretheygoalongthepage,
38andthroughrockandcacti
39Isupposetheyarebeautiful
40intheirslowhorror,
41andatthebottom
42analligatorputshiseyeuponme
43andwelook
44heandI;hebreathesandhungers
45onaflatdream,andso
46thisisthewaywewillbespread

47acrossthepage,
48teeth,title,poesy,
49alligatorheart,
50astheskyfallsdown.
[Page97]
3lovers
1Isawthem
2sittinginthelamplightand
3Iwentin
4and
5hetalked
6wavinghishands
7jesus
8hisfacewasred
9and
10hetalked
11hewantedtobe
12right
13hewavedhishands
14butwhenIleft
15hejustsatthere
16and
17shesatthere
18inthechairacrossfromhim
19and
20Igotintomycar
21andbackedoutthedrive
22and
23leftthemthere
24todo
25whatever
26theywantedto
27do.
[Page98]
didIevertellyou?
1DidIevertellyou
2aboutthedamnfoolwho
3likedtomakelove
4infrontofa
5picturewindow?
6Andtherewastheone
7whotookthephonographback,
8andtheonewho
9brokethelampshades
10andtheonewiththe
11littlegoldenhairsonhis
12chest.
13Andtheone
14onthekitchenfloor,
15andtheonewho

16huntedforthemouth
17oftheOrinocoRiver.
18Andthetallonewho
19becameaforestranger
20andleftanotewithRoger
21confessinghewasqueer
22(butRogeralreadyknew).
23Thenthere'sthecommunisthe'sin
24Canada
25orFlorida,onlyIthink
26he'ssomebodyelseunderthisother
27name,andIhaveaphotoofhim
[Page99]
28crawlingoutofarowboat;
29hehaslovelygrayhairandhisface
30issortofblue
31andhewritesthese
32longloveletters.
33AndEdwardwasaqueerbutsoverygentle;
34helitcandles,hadasenseofhumorand
35veryhairylegslikeoneofthoseland
36crabs
37oracoconut.
38AndJerrywasjustlikeahorse
39ifIlookedhimintheeye
40hecouldn't
41kissme.
42(Hejustpretendedhewasgay
43buthewasn't.)
44(Icantell.Oh,Icanalwaystell.)
45Thentherewasmydesert
46romanceIreallydon'tliketotell
47aboutit,butsinceyouasked
48Ithinkhereally
49lovedme.
50Igotdrunkand
51felloffmyhorse
52andbrokemy
53arm
54whenwetriedtojumpafence
55ridingdoublesaddle
56andhiswifethreatenedto
57killme
58so
59I
60lefttown.
[Page100]
61Iusedtogouponthe
62roofwithManny.

63Hewasstrange.
64Parentsspoiledhim.
65Welookedatthemoonthrough
66atelescope:Istood
67atthebigend
68andhelditup
69andhesatdown
70atthelittleend
71andlookedthroughit.
72AndCarlhasmyDrama
73ThroughtheAges,from
74EuripidestoMiller.
75(Imustwritehimforit.You
76won'tmind?)ThatCarl
77itwasmybirthday
78andIcamein
79andhewasout
80colddrunk
81onthesofa
82andIthrew
83someflowersathim
84(vaseandall)
85andhestoodup
86andshowedmethetiniest
87goldbracelet
88inalittlefeltbox,
89andIcried.
90(Ohyes,Ilovedhim.Ireally
91lovedhimhewassokind,
92andhewasalwayswritingmother
[Page101]
93"Where'sRitaat,pleasetellme!"
94butmother
95nevertoldhim.)
96ThentherewasthatoldbastardGerman
97theyneverknowwhentogiveitup.
98HewasbaldandIhatedhim,
99helookedlikeasickfrog
100andhisbreathwasbad,
101butthefunniestthing
102wasallthishairon
103hisbelly.Icouldnever
104figureit.
105Hehadplentyofmoney
106buthewasmarried,
107theoldbastard,
108andhetoldme
109helovedme,
110andhehiredmeasa
111secretary,
112hewasalwaysplayingaround,
113theoldbastard,
114andIfinallyranaway,

115thoughIcouldhavetakenhim
116fromhiswife
117butIcouldn'tstandtheold
118bastard.
119Vincent?
120No.Hewasnothing.Hewasfrightened
121ofhisbrother.
122"Mybrother!"he'dscream
123andwe'dallrunoutthebackdoor
124andintothegaragenaked
125orjustinpantiesandbras.
126Imadecurtainsforhishouse
[Page102]
127andhecalledmedaughter
128andIcookedforhim
129andhewroteeverythinginalittle
130blackbookandworeasailingcap.
131Hedroppedmoneyonthefloor
132andplayedtheorgan...
133wroteanoperaforOrgan
134calledtheEmperorofSanFrancisco.
135ButIlikedhimmainlybecause
136heknewthekids,
137drovemetoNewmanoncetomeetthem,
138andonce,beforehegotrealtight
139hesentmemoney
140whenIwasstrandedintheislands.
141AndGushewasjustlikeafathertome
142Iknewhimsolong.
143Imethimintheislands
144whenIwasstranded.
145Ithinkhesavedmylife.
146Igotfiredforbeingcaughtinthe
147barracks.
148Butheunderstood.
149Oh,Iknowyoudon'tlikehim,
150buthe'ssounderstanding.
151AndwhenVincentsentthemoney
152webothcamestateside.
153Hesaidhewantedtomarryme
154buthehadtotakecareofhis
155mother
156whohadsomekindof
157lifelongdisease.
158He'salwaysrunningbackto
159thoseislands,
160socompletelylost,
161utterlylost.
[Page103]
162You'dhardlyknowhimnow.
163He'sstoppeddrinking
164andweighs297,

165(andhekissedjustlikeyou,
166andhadlittlewiresinhisleft
167leg,buthe'dnevertellme...
168...andthechauffeur
169walkedintotheroom
170withabasket
171withalivechicken
172init.Thisguygrabbedthechicken
173aroundtheneck
174andwhirledit
175aroundandaround
176andyoushouldhaveheard
177thatchickenscream
178andthenhecutitwithaknife
179andtheblood
180flewlikerain
181andthisguy
182playedhispiccolo
183andwatchedmyeyes,
184andthat'sallthathappened,
185eventhoughhehadmademe
186takeoffmydress.
187Hegaveme$25
188butsomehow
189thewholething
190mademesick.
191Nicholaswasaqueer
192andimpotent,
193andhewasmylover.
194Hestillhasmy
195e.e.cummings.
[Page104]
196Thefirstonewasinsane.
197Heblew
198throughfigleaves
199whilesittingonthecoffeetable
200hishandstangledinmyhair.
201Heplayedtheoboe
202andyouknowwhat
203theysayabouttheoboe:
204theytookhimaway
205fromme
206andhewaslikeachild.
207Igavetheoboetoaballetdancer
208whobrokehis
209legon
210acampstool
211while
212hiking
213intheAdirondacks.
214IwasengagedtoArlington
215onlythreeweeks.
216Andhetoretheringfrommyfinger

217claiminghedidn't
218wanttomarrythewhole
219queerarmy.
220Laterhecriedonmyshoulder
221andtoldmehewasaqueenbee
222andageneral
223andthathehadbeenkiddinghimself
224allhislife.
225Icriedwhenheleft.
226Ralphwastheonlyone,Ithink,
227whoeverlovedme,
228buthedidn'tappreciatethefiner
229things:
[Page105]
230hethoughtthatVanGoghusedtopitchfor
231BrooklynandthatGeorgeSandplayed
232oppositeZsaZsaGabor.
233AndwhenhesentmoneyfromEastLansing
234Iboughtahifisetandatoybull
235withblueeyes
236andcalledhimKeithypot.
237IsentRalphapressedazaleaandaphoto
238ofme
239bendingover
240inabikini.
241Shermanwasafraidofthedark.
242Hediedswallowinga
243cherryseed.RogerI'vetold
244you
245abouthim;Rogerstarted
246agoodstoryonce
247butheneverfinishedit.
248Itwasaboutaqueer
249sittingatatable
250atanightclub
251andthesepeoplecameup
252but,oh,Ican'texplainit.
253Peterwillkillhimselfsomeday.
254Artwillkillhimself.
255Tommysetfiretothebedand
256beathismother.Ionly
257livedwithhim
258becauseofher.Wewent
259toAlkaseltzerMass
260together.Oncehe
261hitherwhenshe
262gotoffthestreetcar.
[Page106]
263Thenhehitme.Ihatedhim,
264butshewaslikeamothertome.
265AndthenImetyou.

266RememberthatSundayat
267theRoundDuck?
268Yousaid,
269let'sgoto
270Mexico.
271Andyoutookmeup
272toyourplace
273andreadErleStanleyGardner
274andthenyouhungout
275thewindow.
276Youlookedlikemyfather.
277Youshouldhaveknownmyfather.
278Hewasadrunkard.
279Oh,I'msogladImetyou.
280Youmakeme
281feelso
282good.Darlingyouarea
283man.
284Theonlyreal
285MAN
286I'veeverknown!
287Ohdear,howI've
288waited!
289Myhandsarecoldand
290youhavethefunniest
291feet!
292Iloveyou...
[Page107]
songofmytypewriter:
1thebestwaytothinkisnotatall
2mybanjoscreamsinthebrush
3likeatrappedrabbit(dorabbits
4scream?nevermind:thisisan
5alcoholicdream);
6machineguns,Isay,
7thealtarboys,
8thewetnurses,
9thefatnewsboys,
10rubberlippeddelegates
11ofthepreciouslife;
12mybanjoscreams
13sing
14singthroughthedarkeneddream,
15greengrowgreen,
16takegut:
17death,atlast,
18isnoheadache.
[Page108]
andthemoonandthestarsandtheworld:

1longwalksat
2night
3that'swhat'sgood
4forthe
5soul:
6peekingintowindows
7watchingtired
8housewives
9tryingtofight
10off
11theirbeermaddened
12husbands.
[Page109]
thesharks
1thesharksknockonmydoor
2andenterandaskfavors;
3howtheypuffinmychairs
4lookingabouttheroom,
5andtheyaskfordeeds:
6light,air,money,
7anythingtheycanget
8beer,cigarettes,halfdollars,dollars,
9fives,dimes,
10allthisasifmysurvivalwereassured,
11asifmytimewerenothing
12andtheirpresencevaluable.
13well,weallhaveoursharks,I'msure,
14andthere'sonlyonewaytogetthemoff
15beforetheyhackandnibbleyoutodeath
16stopfeedingthem;theywillfind
17otherbait;youfattenedthem
18thelastdozentimesaround
19nowsetthemout
20tosea.
[Page110]
fag,fag,fag
1hewrote,
2youareahumorlessass,
3IwasonlypullingyourlegaboutD.
4joiningtheForeignLegion,and
5D.isaboutasmuchfagas
6WinstonChurchill.
7hmm,Ithought,Iamincontactwiththe
8greatestmindsofmy
9generation.clever!Winnieisdeadsohe
10can'tbea
11fag.
12thelettercontinued,
13youguysinCaliforniaarefaghappy,

14allyoudoissitaroundandthinkabout
15fags.justthesameIwillsendyoutheantiwar
16materialsIandotherswrote,althoughI
17doubtitwillstopthe
18war.
1910yearsagohehadsentmeaphotoof
20D.andhimselfatapicnicground.
21D.wasdressedinaForeignLegionuniform,
22therewasabottleofwine,
23andatablewithonetableleg
24crooked.
25Ithoughtitoverfor10yearsandthen
26answered:
[Page111]
27Ihavenothingagainst2mensleepingtogether
28solongasIamnotoneofthose2
29men.
30Ididn'tinferwhichonewasthe
31fag.
32anyway,todayIgottheantiwarmaterials
33inthemail,buthe'sright:
34itwon'tstopthewaroranything
35else.
[Page112]
IvantheTerrible
1founditdifficult
2eithertostandor
3tobendover
4wasfatwith
5bigeyesand
6low
7forehead
8hadaperennial
9smile
10duetoan
11underslung
12jaw
13killedhiseldestson
14withblows
15inamoment
16ofanger
17appearedtobeuncomfortable
18aftertheage
19of
2040

21excelledinprogress
22and
23butchery
24diedin1584
25attheageof
[Page113]
2654,weighing
27209
28pounds
29lastsummer
30theyremovedhis
31skeleton
32fromtheArkhangelskChurch
33intheKremlin
34tomakea
35lifelike
36bust
37now
38he'salmostdone
39andlookslike
40a20thcentury,
41busdriver
[Page114]
thebonesofmyuncle
(forJ.B.whoneverreadthestuff)
1thebonesofmyuncle
2rodeamotorcycleinArcadia
3andrapedahousewife
4withinagarage
5hungwithrakesandhoses
6thebonesofmyUncle
7leftbehind
81:ajarofpeanutbutter
9and
102:twogirlsnamed
11Katherine&
12Betsyand
133:araggedwifewhocried
14continually.
15thebonesofmyUncle
16playedhorses
17too
18and
19madecounterfeitmoney
20mostlydimes,andtheF.B.I.wantedhimfor
21somethingmoreserious
22althoughwhatitwas
23Ihavesince
24forgotten.

25thebonesofmyUncle
26stretchedthelongway
27seemedtooshort
28andlookedat
[Page115]
29comingtowardyou
30bentlikebows
31beneaththeknees.
32thebonesofmyUncle
33smokedandcussed
34andtheywereburied
35wherebonesareburied
36whohaveno
37money.
38Ialmostforgottotellyou:
39hisboneswerenamed"John"
40and
41hadgreeneyes
42whichdidnot
43last.
[Page116]
alastshotontwogoodhorses
1itwasabout10yearsagoatHollywoodPark
2Ihadashackjob,2cars,ahouse,adogasbigas
Nero
3drunk,
4andIwasmakingitwiththehorses,orIthoughtI
was,
5butgoingintothe7thraceIwasdowntomylast$50
6andIputthe$50onDetermineandthenIwanteda
cup
7ofcoffee
8butIonlyhadadimeleftandcoffeewasthen15.
9IwentintothecrapperandIwantedtoflushmyself
away,
10theyhadme,allIhadleftwasthatpieceofpaperin
my
11wallet,
12andIwouldhavebeenwillingtosellthatbackfor
$40
13butIwasashamed.well,Iwentoutandwatchedthe
race
14andDeterminewon.
15Icollectedandsetasideatenandputtheremainder
allon
16MyBoyBobby.MyBoyBobbymadeit.Icollectedand
17stoodoverin
18acorner,separatingthe50sandthe20sandtensand

fives,
19andthenIdroveonin,IgaveherthethumbupasI
drove
20upthedrive,
21andwhenIgotinsideIthrewallthemoneyupinto
theair.
22Shewasabeautifulwhoreandhereyesalmostcameout
23whenshesaw
24that,andthedograninandsnatchedatenandran
intothe
25kitchen,
26andIwaspouringdrinksandshesaid,"hey,thehound
got
27atenner!"
28andIsaid,"hell,lethimhaveit!"wedrank'em
down.
[Page117]
29thenIsaid,"umm,IthinkI'llgetthattenanyhow,"
andI
30walkedin
31andtookitfromhim,itwasonlychewedalittle,and
that
32night
33onthebedsheshowedmeallthetricksinwonderland,
and
34later
35itrainedandwelistenedtoCarmenanddrankand
laughed
36allnightlong.
37daysandnightslikethatjustdon'thappentoooften.
[Page119]
III
Epigraph
&thegreatwhitehorsescomeup&lickthefrostofthedream
[Page121]
nogroundingintheclassics
1Ihaven'tslept
2for3nights
3or3days
4andmyeyesaremore
5redthanwhite;
6Ilaughinthe
7mirror,
8andIhavebeen
9listeningtotheclock
10tick

11andthegas
12ofmyheater
13smells
14ahotthick
15heavy
16smell,run
17throughwiththesounds
18ofcars,
19carsstrungup
20likeornaments
21inmyhead,but
22Ihaveread
23theclassics
24andonmycouch
25sleepsawinesoaked
26whore
27whoforthefirst
28time
29hasheard
30Beethoven's9th,
[Page122]
31andbored,
32hasfallenasleep,
33politely
34listening.
35justthink,daddy,shesaid,
36withyourbrains
37youmightbethefirstman
38tocopulate
39onthemoon.
[Page123]
drawingofabandconcertonamatchbox
1lifeonpaperissomuchmore
2pleasurable:
3therearenobombsorfliesor
4landlordsorstarving
5cats,
6andIaminthekitchen
7staringdownatthebluelakeofthe
8concertmaster
9andalsothetrees
10rowboats,boywithAmericanflag
11ladyinyellowwithfan
12CivilWarveteran
13girlwithballoon
14spotteddog
15sailboat,
16thepeaceofanancientday
17withthesundreamingold
18battles
19JohnL.Sullivanemptyingthepint
20inhisdressingroom

21andgettingreadytowhiptheworldlikea
22badchild
23farfromourmodernlife
24whereadoctorstickssomethinginyourside,
25saying,"issomethingmakingyounervous?somethingis
26killingyou."
27Iopenthematchbox,takeoutabeautifulwoodenmatch
28andlightacigar.
[Page124]
29Ilookoutthewindow.itisraining.therewillbe
nothing
30intheparktodayexceptbumsandmadmen.
31Iblowthesmokeagainstthewetglassandwonderwhat
I
32amdoing
33insidehere
34dryanddyingand
35Iheartherainasatoiletflushesthroughthewall
36(alivingneighbor)
37andtheflowersopentheirarmsforlove.
38Isitdownnexttotheladyinyellowwiththefanand
39shesmilesatme
40andwetalkwetalk
41onlyIcan'thearforallthemusic
42"yourname?yourname?"Ikeepasking
43butsheonlysmilesatme
44andthedogishowling.
45butyellowismyfavoritecolor
46(VanGoghlikedittoo)
47yellow
48andIdonotblowsmokeinherface
49andIamthere
50Iamactuallydownthereinthematchbox
51andIamheretoo.
52shesmiles
53andIlayherrightonthe
54stove
55anditis
56hot
57hot
58theAmericanflagwavesin
59battle
60playyourmusicconcertmaster
[Page125]
61inyourredcoat
62withyourhotJulybuttocks.

63theballoonpopsandIwalkacrossakitchen
64onarainydayinFebruary
65tocheckoneggsandbreadand
66wineandsanity
67tocheckonglue
68topastenicepictures
69onthesewalls.
[Page126]
badnight
1Iamfairlydrunkandthereisamanjumping
2upanddownonthefloorinhisshacknextdoor
3he'sroughonthefloorboardsandIlistentohis
4dancewhilemywifeisinthecanandFidelioison
5ourradio,andtodayatthetrackIlost$70anda
woman
6gotherfootcaughtintheescalator,andthedrunks
7holleredattheusher:REVERSEIT!THROWITIN
8REVERSE!meanwhile,theredbloodandthegamblers
9and
10myselfwatchingthetoteforameaningfulflashandI
11dumpeditin
12thewrongplace.
13nowthemanhasstoppedjumpingonthefloorand
14hasopenedhisbible.well,ithasbeenabad
15summerforallofus.aparticularfeeling
16aflailingfeelingoftoomuch.weareshocked
17almostsenselesswiththedemandtoputonour
18socks,wehanglikepaintingsofblueskinned
19virginsbeforeyoungboysindementia,&it's
20toomuchhairontheneckandflowersdyingina
21bowl.mywifecomesoutofthe
22can.
23areyouallright?she
24asks.yeah,I
25say.
[Page127]
downbythewings
1theyspeakofangelsorshe
2speaksofangels
3fromaplateglasswindowoverlookingthe
4SunsetStrip
5(shehasthesevisions)
6(Idon'thavethesevisions)
7butmaybeangelspreferpeoplewith
8money
9daughtersofrichfarmerswhoaredyingof
10throatcancerinBrazil.
11myselfIkeepseeingthese
12winglesscreaturesofmeanstoryanddismal
13intent
14andshesays

15whenIdefameher
16dream:
17youaretryingto
18pullmedown
19bythewings.
20she'sgoingtoEuropeinthesummer
21Greece,Italy,mostprobably
22Parisandshe's
23takingsomeofherangelswith
24her.
25notall
26butsome.
27nowthere'sthishalfChineseboywhousedto
28sleeponfireescapes
29theNegrohomosexualwhoplayschessand
30recitedShelleyattheSensualist
[Page128]
31thenthere'stheonewhohasrealtalentwiththe
32brush(Nickey)butwhosimplycan'tget
33started
34somehowand
35there'salsoSieberlingwhocriesbecausehe
36loveshismother(actually).
37manyofthese
38angels
39willleavetownand
40flowaroundthe
41ArchofTriumph
42tobephotographedor
43tochasebeetlesat
449rueGitleCoeur,and
45it'sgoingtobeahotand
46lonesomesummer
47formanyofuswhen
48thedevilwalksinandretakesHollywood
49oncemore.
[Page129]
fire
1schoolgirlsintightskirtsandfirstheels
2came
3sparrowsflewawayandfatlandlordspartedfrom
their
4electricmirrors
5skinnyhousewiveswithrunnynosesanddirtyaprons
6came
7andthefireengine:polishedwailingdisorder
spilling
8intestinesofwater

9came
10firemeninhelmets
11firemenwithaxes
12came
13god,atree90feethigh
14BURNING
15AHOUSEBURNINGRED
16tolling
17lordward
18thegrassmeltingandyellingonthetopofthe
19groundand
20thosesmokesweetpicturesofbluegrayputtingthe
21wholeskyoutof
22place
23andallthewhilenobodysayinganythingjust
24watching
25whattheflamesdid
[Page130]
26likesomethingbustedout
27finallyandhavingits
28say
29weallcame
30together.
[Page131]
onefortheoldman
1standingintheplazaIcanhearspeechesaboutanew
2world
3menaskingfortheirkindoflove
4whilemineisakindofpincheyeddragof
5goingon,forthatwhichseemssoimportanttothem
6seemsworthlesstome.
7so
8Igobacktothehotelroom
9andlookatthepitcherofwateronthedresser
10andthebitsofglasshungonstring
11leftinthewindowbyaMexicanwhore
12toreflectwhat'sleftofme
13andthisseems
14sensible
15assensibleasreadingthehistoryofthe
16CrimeanWar
17assensibleaswaxandwomenand
18dogs.
19Iwatchaflyandreadthenewspaper
20theneatsausageandbananas
21andanorange.
22thenIpulltheshadeonthespeechmakers.

23overthebackofachairaremy
24beltandnecktie,
25necktieknotted
26formythroat
27whichislikeaflower80feethighand
28pumpingoutphrasesof
29bedlam.
[Page132]
30mutilatedforeverattheageof
3146.ourdearsweetfathersaidwe'dcometo
32this.
[Page133]
adraweroffish
1hekeptdrawingfish
2onsheetsofpaper
3andIsaid,
4Jack,what'swrong?
5buthewouldn'tanswer
6andhiswifesaid
7hewon'tlookforajob
8that'swhat'swrong,
9andIgottastaywith
10thekids;Idon'tknow
11howinthehellwe're
12goingtomakeit.
13hekeptdrawingfish
14onsheetsofpaper
15andhewasn'tevendrunk.
16Iwentdownandgot2
17bottlesofwine
18andtheoldladypoured
19themaround.
20andJackdrankhis,
21thencursed:thisg.d.
22ballpointpenalwaysruns
23outofblood
24justwhenI'matthepoint,
25thecrux,justwhenI'm
26finallyburning
27intheimbecilewaxoffire...
[Page134]
28hethrewthepen
29intoapapersackfullofemptybottles,
30emptysardineand
31beancans,putonhiscoat
32andwalkedout.
33where'shegoing?

34Iasked.
35Idon'tgiveadamn
36where'she'sgoing,
37hisoldladysaid.
38thenshepulledherdressback
39andshowedmealotofleg;
40itlookedprettygood,I
41havealwaysbeenalegman
42butIwalkedovertothecloset
43andputonmycoat.
44whereyougoing?sheasked.
45I'mgoingtolookforajob,
46Itoldher,
47there'sanadintheTimes,
48theyneedjanitorsforthe
49newFleischmanbuilding.
50Iwalkeddownthesteps
51andhalfablockNorth
52tothenearestbar.
53Jackwassittingthere.
54Idon'tknow,hesaid,
55IthinkI'mgoing
56tokillmyself.
[Page135]
57itdoesn'tmatter,Isaid,
58it'sgoingtohappen
59anyhow.
60wesattheretherestoftheafternoon
61drinking
62andabout7p.m.weleft,
63hewithonewithfireinherhair
64andIwithonewithalimp
65areaderofHenryJames
66wholaughedoutoftheside
67ofhermouth.
68itwas63degrees
69andnotmuchleft
70oftheworld.
[Page136]
L.Beethoven,halfback
1hecameoutfortheteam;
2LudwigV.Beethoven,blocking
3halfback.hereallyknocked
4themdown.buthedrankbeer
5andplayedthepianoallnight.

6Schiller,you'reafreak,he
7said.leavetheladiesalone.
8theladieswillalwaysbethe
9same.don'tfret,whenyou
10needone,she'llbethere.
11andTchaikovsky,hesaid,
12takesomevitamins.Idon't
13mindthatyou'reahomo:
14juststayaway
15fromme.that'sthetrouble
16withallyouguys:
17you'retoo
18pale!
19ItookalateralfromG.B.Shaw
20andduckedaroundtheend;
21Beethovenblockedout3men,
22andasIwentpast
23hesaid,Igotacoupleof
24babeslinedupfortonight;
25don'tinjure
26anything
27youmightneed
28later...
[Page137]
29Ishotupthefield
30evadingtacklers
31likeamadman.B.was
32studyingharmony,but
33Idoubtedifhecould
34ever
35makeit.hewasjust
36afat
37beerdrinking
38German.
[Page138]
selfdestruction
1mysnake'sredfingers
2hesaid
3andtheytookhimoffthecouch
4andputhimonthestretcher
5andcarriedhimdown
625steps
7andhiswomancrossedherlegs
8(Icouldalmostseeherbeautifulcrotch)
9andlitacigarette
10andsaid
11Ijust
12can'tkaantseewhatpossessedhim,
13andIslappedheracrosstheface
14flyingthecigarettetotherug
15likesomeMarsthing

16andfollowedthestretcher
17ondown.
[Page139]
thesemadwindowsthattastelifeandcutmeifIgothroughthem
1I'vealwayslivedonsecondandthirdfloorsor
higher
2allmylife
3butIgotsomewomanpregnant
4andsinceshewasn'tmywife
5wemovedoverhere
6wewereinthebackatfirst
72ndfloorrear
8asMr.andMrs.
9anewstart
10andtherewasamadwomaninthis
11placeandshekepttheshadesdrawn
12andholleredobscenitiesinthedark
13(Ithoughtshewasprettysharp)
14buttheytookherawayoneday
15andwemovedinhereandhadthebaby,
16abeautifulskunkofachildwithpaleblueeyes
17whomademeswallowmyheartlikeacherryina
18chilleddrink,
19butthewomandecidedIwasinsanetoo
20andmovedthechildandherselftoHollywood
21andIgivethemwhatmoneyIcan
22butmostofthetimeIlayaroundallday
23sweatinginbed
24wonderinghowmuchlongerIcanfoolthem
25listeningtomylandlordoutside
26wateringhislawn
2746yearshangingonmybones
28andbiggreentearscascadeha,ha,
29downmyfaceandaretabulatedbymydirtypillow:
30allthoseyearsshotthroughthehead
[Page140]
31assassinatedforever
32drunksenseless
33hobbledandsluggedinfactories
34pokedwithbaddreams
35drippingawayinmouseandghostinfestedrooms
36acrossanAmericawithoutmeaning,
37boyoboy.
38about3p.m.Igetup
39havingfailedtosleepbutmorethanafewminutes
40anyhow
41andthenIputonanoldundershirt
42crispfreshtornshorts
43andapairofstolenarmypants
44andIpulluptheshades
45andsitalittlebackinahardfoldingchair
46nearawindowonthestreetside

47andthentheycomeby,
48younggirls
49freshfluiddivineintelligent
50drinksoforangejuice
51ridesinairconditionedelevators,
52inblueandgreenandyellowinmotion
53inredinwaves
54insquadsandbattalionsoflaughter
55theylaughatmeandforme,
56old46,atattention,piggreeneyes
57likeaVanGoghburstingandbreaking
58thetracheaandtitsoftheearthandthesun,
59mygod,look,hereIam
60andnomatterwhatIsaidtothem
61theywouldrunaway
62Iwouldbereportedasanoldgoof
63babblinginthemarketplaceforhardpennies
64theyexpectmetousethebathroom,
65ashadowpicturefortheirsingingflesh
[Page141]
66andthepliersofmyhand
67agoodcitizenjacksoff,votes,andlooksatBob
Hope
68andevenoldmaids
69withhusbandskilled
70makingswivelchairsinindustry
71theywalkby
72ingreeninyellowinred
73andtheyhavebodieslikehighschoolgirls
74theyperchontheirstiltsanddaremetobreak
75custom
76buttohaveanyofthesewouldtakeweeksandmonths
77oftortureintroduction,niceties,conversationthat
78cleavesthesoullikearustyaxe
79no,no,goddamnit!nomore!
80amanwhocannotadjusttosocietyiscalleda
81psychotic,andtheboyintheTexastower
82whoshot49andkilled15wasone,
83althoughintheMarineCorpshegottheo.k.
84togoaheadit'sallinthewayyou'redressed
85andifthebeehivesaystheproject
86protectstheQueenandGoodyearRubberandso
87forth,
88butthewayIseeitfromthiswindow
89hisactionwasnothingextraordinaryor
90unexpectedandpsychiatristsarejustpaidliars
91ofacontinuingsocial
92disorder.
93andsoonIgetupfromthewindow
94andmovearound
95andifIturnontheradio
96andluckonShostakovichorMahler

97orsitdowntotypealettertothepresident,
98thevoicesbeginallaroundme
[Page142]
99"HEY!KNOCKITOFF!"
100"YOUSONOFABITCH!WE'LLCALLTHELAW!"
101oneachsideofmearetwohighriseapartments
102thingslitatnightwithblueandgreenlights
103andtheyhaveswimmingpoolsthateverybodyhas
104toomuchclasstogetinto
105buttherentisveryhigh
106andtheysitlookingattheirwalls
107decoratedwithpicturesofpeoplewithchoppedoff
108heads
109andwaittogobackto
110WORK,
111meanwhile,theysensethatmysoundsarenot
112theirsounds
11366peopleoneachsideofmyhead
114inlovewithGreenBeretsandpiranhas
115"GODDAMNYOU,COOLIT!"
116theseIcannotseethroughmywindow
117andforthisIamglad
118mystomachisinbadshapefromdrinkingcheapwine,
119andsoforthem
120Ibecomequiet
121Ilistentotheirsounds
122theirbaseballgames,theircomedies,theirquizshows,
123theirdrykisses,theirkindlingsafety,
124theirhardbodiesstuffedintothewallsandmurdered,
125andIgotothetable
126takemymadman'scrayons
127andbegindrawingthemonmywalls
128allofthem
129loving,fucking,eating,shitting,
130frightenedofChrist,frightenedofpoverty,
131frightenedoflife
132theycrawlmywallslikeroaches
[Page143]
133andIdrawsunsbetweenthem
134andaxesandgunsandtowersandbabies
135anddogs,cats,animals,anditbecomes
136difficulttodistinguishtheanimalfromthe
137other,andmywholebodysweats,stinks,
138asItremblelikealiarfromthetruthofthings,
139andthenIdrinksomewater,takeoffmyclothingand
140gotobed
141whereIwillnotsleep
142firstpullingdownalltheshades
143andthenwaitingfor3p.m.
144mygirlsmyladiesmyway
145withnothinggoingthroughandnothingcominginand

146nothinggoingout,CathedralsandArtMuseumsand
147mountainswasted,onlythesaltofmyself,someants,
148oldnewspapers,myshame,myshame
149atnothaving
150killed
151(razor,carcrash,turpentine,gaspipe)
152(goodjob,marriage,investmentsinthemarket)
153whatisleftof
154myself.
[Page144]
birth
I.
1readingtheDialoguesofPlatowhenthe
2doctorwalksupandsays
3doyoustillreadthathighbrow
4stuff?lasttimeIreadthatI
5wasin
6highschool.
7Ireadit,Itell
8him.
9well,it'sagirl,9#,3oz.notroubleat
10all.
11shit.great.whencanIsee
12them?
13they'llletyouknow.good
14night.
II.
15IsitdowntoPlatoagain.thereare4peopleplaying
16cards.onewomanhasbeautifullegsthatshedoesn't
hide
17andIkeeplookingatherlegsuntilshecoversthem
witha
18bluesweater.
[Page145]
III.
19Iamcalledupstairs.theyshowmethethingthrough
glass.
20it'sredasaboiledcrabandtough.itwillmake
21it.itwillseeitthrough.
22hey,lookatthis,Plato:anotherbroad!
23IcanseehernowonsomeSundayafternoon
24shakingitinatightskirt
25makingboulevardsofyoungmenwarbleintheir

26guts.
27Iwavethegirlandthenurse
28away.
IV.
29thewomanisstillstunnedwith
30drugsbutItellher
31agreatwomanhasarrived!
32andmakemyfistsintolittleballsandI
33holdupmyarmsand
34snarlcry.
35thenurseisfatandMexican,haseatentoomany
36tortillas.
37nicetohavemetyou,sweetheart,I
38tellher.
V.
39thenIambackattheshack.Isitdownandlistento
40thebathtubdrip.
[Page146]
41Igooverandpullalltheblindsdownandfallonthe
42couch.allIcanhearistireson
43steelstreets.
VI.
44thereisameeowfromthescreenandIlethim
45in:sober,indifferent,
46hungry.
VII.
47wewalkintothekitchen
48male,swaggeringundertheelectriclight;
494balls,2heads
50dominionoverallthecontinent
51overshipsthatsailinandout
52oversmallfemalethingsandjewels.
53Igetdownthecanof
54catfoodandopen
55it.Platoisleftinthe
56glovecompartment.
[Page147]
ongettingfamousandbeingasked:canyourecite?canyoube
thereatnine?

1...andalltheyknowiskill,thesepungentinsects,
2andaswewhirlinnewworlds
3IamfilledwithspaceandI
4amill;Irollachild'smarble
5upontherug,thenhearit
6clatteroffintosomenewcorner
7andIpukeasthetelephonerings;
8MR.SPANISH,AVOICESAYS,WEWANT
9YOUTOSPEAKBEFORETHE
10SOCIETY.WEFEELITWILLBE
11VITAL.Ihangup,ofcourse,
12andIfindanorange
13intheicebox,butbefore
14Icanpeelitandeatit
15Iamillagain.
16and
17Itakeoff
18andfoldmyshoes,sitdowncross
19legged,(likeastatueIwishI
20owned),andwait,at3p.m.,
21todie.
[Page148]
thegreatone:
1downattheendofthebar
2heusedtobum
3drinks,nowheisabaldingmanand
4Ileanclose:
5youarethefinestpoet
6ofourage,youarethe
7onlyonethateverybody
8understands...
9wedrinkcoffee,wesitinhissmall
10poorlyfurnishedhouse,hisoilpaintings
11areonthewalls.Iamgoingtogivehim
12money,paper,paint,abetter
13typewriter.heisgoingtogivemesome
14original
15manuscripts.
16Ilookathimandsensethathefears
17me.hecoughs,hisstomachmustfeel
18oily,dense,
19ill.
20Itellhim:
21Iknowallaboutyou:
22youhadacruelSpanish
23stepfather,youlivedwith
24numerouswhores,drankyourself
25senseless,
26starved...
[Page149]

27yeah,he
28says.
29Ileancloser:
30inmyownquietway,
31Iamaworshipperof
32heroes...
33whenIleavewithhismanuscripts(signed)
34andoneofhisoilsplus
353wirecoiledandunreadable
36notebooks
37hedoesn'tcometothedoorwithme.thereisa
38mirrorandhesitslookingintothe
39mirrorandhe
40bowshishead,ashamedand
41finished.
42"TheArtist,"anancientsagehadoncesaid,
43"isalwayssittingonthedoorstepsofthe
44rich."
45Iswingintomycaddy,throwthejunkinthe
46backand
47driveoff.
[Page150]
yellow
1Seiverswasoneofthehardestrunningbackssince
2JimmyBrown,andlateralmotiontoo,
3likeachorusgirl,really,untilonedayhegothit
on
4theblindsidebyBasilSkronski;wecarriedSeivers
offthe
5field
6butSkronskihadgottenoneribandcrackedanother.
7thenextyearSeiverswasn'tevengoodinpractice,
gunshy
8asa
9squirrelindeerseason;hestoppedcontact,fumbled,
couldn't
10even
11holdalookinpassorahandoffallthatwastedand
he
12couldgothe100in9.7.
13I'm45yearsold,outofshape,toomuchbeer,butone
of
14thebest
15assistantcoachesintheprogame,andIcan'tstand
toseea
16man
17jakingit.Igothiminthelockerroomtheotherday
when

18thewhole
19squadwasinthere.Itoldhim,"Seivers,youusedto
bea
20player
21butnowyou'rechickenshit!"
22"youcan'ttalkthatwaytome,Manny!"hesaid,andI
23turnedhim
24around,hewaslacingonashoe,andIrightcracked
him
25rightonthechin.hefellagainstalocker
26andthenhebegantocrythegreatestsinceBrown,
27cryingthereagainstthelocker,oneshoeoff,oneon.
[Page151]
28"comeon,men,let'sgetoutahere!"Itoldthegang,
and
29weran
30onout,andwhenwegotbackhehadclearedout,he
was
31gone,his
32gearwasgone.wegotsomekidfromIllinoisrunning
his
33spotnow,
34headdown,kneeshigh,hedon'tcarewhere'she's
going.
35guyslikeSeiversendupwashingdishesforabuckan
hour
36andthat'sjustwhattheydeserve.
[Page152]
:::thedaysrunawaylikewildhorsesoverthehills
1thephoneringsanditisusuallythewomanwiththe
2sexyvoicefromthephonecompanytellingme
3topleasepaymyphonebill,
4butthistimeavoicesaysquietly,
5"yousonofabitch,"
6anditistheeditorofadozenmagazines,
7everythingfromreligiouspamphlets
8todoityourselfabortions,
9andheasks,
10"whyhaven'tyoucalled?"
11andIsay,"wedon'tgetalong."
12"catalysis,"hesays,
13"dig?"
14"dig,"Isay,
15andthenhetellsmethathehasseenme
16inissueNo.5ofCrablegsandMuletears
17andthatIamgettingbetter,
18andItellhimthatIamaslowstarter
19andbeingonly42
20Istillstandachancetospreadsand
21inAbdulah'sgarden,

22andhesayscomeonover
23Iwantyoutomeetafriend
24andItellhimIwillgivehimaring
25afterthetrack...
26itisSaturdayandhot
27andthefacesofgreedrushingpast
28pinchedanddriedandimpossible
29wanttomakemekneelamongsttheliliesandpray
[Page153]
30butinsteadIgotoabar
31whereIcangetgoodvodkaandorangefor70
32andpeoplekeeptalkingtome,
33itisonebiglonelyheartsclub,
34peoplelonelyforavoiceandamilliondollars
35andnotgettingmuchofeither,
36andbythe9thraceIamonehundreddollarsinthe
hole
37andabigcoloredguywalksuptome
38andspreadstheticketsofthelastwinnerinhishand
39likeviolinmusic,
40andIsay
41"fine,fine,"
42andhesays,"Iamwithacoupleofoldbroads
43andnowtheyaretryingtofindme,
44butIamduckingout,Iamgoingtolockthedoors
45andgetdrunk."
46"fine,"Isay,andhewalksoff
47andIkeepwonderingwhysomanycoloredpeople
48talktome,andthenIremembered
49Iwasinabaronceandabigblackguysworemeinto
50somethingcalledtheMuslims;
51Ihadtorepeatalotoffancywordsand
52wedrankallnight,
53butIthoughthewaskidding:
54Iamnotouttodestroyallthewhiterace
55onlyasmallpartofit:
56myself.
57"whoyoulike?"anotherguyasksme
58andIsay"the3rdhorse,"andhesays
59"the3isout,"andwalksoff
60andthatisallIwanttohear
61andIput20towinonthe3,
62getascrewdriver
63andwalkdowntothelastturn
64whereifyou'vebeenaroundlongenough
[Page154]
65youcanpickoutthewinner
66beforethestretchdrivebegins.
67andI'mtherewhenthe3drivespast
68alengthandahalfbehindthe6,
69theothersareout,

70anditlooksclose,botharerunninghard
71withoutsignsoftiring
72butIhavetoclosethegap
73andIlookupattheboardandseethat
74the6is251andIamonly71
75andwithalittleluckImightmakeit,
76andIdidbythreequartersofalength
77andthefrogsofmymindlinedupand
78jumpedoverdeath(foralittlewhile)
79andIwalkedoverandgotmy$166.
80Iwasinthetubwithabeerwhenthephonerang,
81"bastard,whereareyou?"
82itwastheeditor.
83"seeyouin30minutes,"Itoldhim.
84"Idon'twantanystuffoutayouorI'lllay
85youout,"hetellsme.
86"fine,"Isay,"30minutesthen."
87whichgivesmetimeforacouplemorebeers.
88theplaceisinthebackinSouthHollywood,
89asmallcellwithawaterheater
90inthebathroom,andarackofbookstakeup
91halftheroom:muchHuxley(Aldous),Lawrence
92(notofArabia),andalotoftomesandvessels
93ofpeoplehalfwayintheplayground
94betweenpoetryandthenovel
95andlackingeitherthemotivationorthediscipline
96towritestraightphilosophy,
97andhehadawomaninthere
[Page155]
98inthelastpeachfuzzofheryouth,
99paleorange,alittlespiritless,
100butquiet,whichwasgood,
101andhesaid,"baby,getthemanabeer,"
102andIthrewhimmylatestbook
103whichIinscribed,"toaconnoisseur
104ofvaginaandverse..."
105andhesaid,"youaregettingfat,bastard,
106butyouarelookingbetterthanthelasttime
107Isawyou."
108"wasthatinParis?"Iasked.
109"Pasadena,Calif.,"heanswered.
110"Faulkner'sdeadnowtoo,"Isaid.
111"howdoyoulikethebitch?"heasked,
112"lookather."
113Ilookedatherandthankedherforthebeer.
114"fairstandthefieldsofFrance,"
115Isaid.
116"Ineedahundredandahalf,"hetoldme.
117"Jesus,"Ianswered,
118"Iwasjustgonnaaskyouforthesamething."
119"IhearHarryisbackwithhisoldlady."
120"yeah.lookingforajob.paintingfurniture.
babysitting.
121hewasevenabartenderonenight."

122"Harry?abartender?"
123"justfor3hours.thenhesaidhegottired."
124"tired?"
125"'tired'isthewordheused."
126"Ineedahundredandahalf."
127"whothehelldoesn't?"
128"Faulknerdoesn't,"hesaid.
129"Iwonderwhathemixedinhisdrinks?I'vegottoslow
130down..."
131thebitchhadsomepoemsshewroteandIreadthem
132andtheywerenotbadconsideringthatshewasbuilt
for
[Page156]
133otherthings,andtherestofthenightwasfairly
dull,
134nofistfights,toooldtotango,tigerasleepinthe
shade,
135andIpromisedIwouldwriteanessayONTHEMEANING
136OF
137MODERNPOETRYwhichhepromisedtoprintunseen
138andwhichIknewIwouldneverwrite.
139thenightwasfullofpromises,anoldtiger
140andapeach.Idrovehomedownthesidestreets,
141swingingwidearoundthepolicestation,
142smokingkingsizedandhummingpartsfromCarmen
143becauseitwasverydarkandBizetdrovebetterthan
144Ludwigwhohadhismindonmoreimportantthings.
145IparkedoutinfrontandnosoonerdidIgetthecar
door
146open
147thantherummydownstairssaid,
148"hey,ace,howaboutacoldone?"
149Itookabeeroutofthebagandslippeditinthrough
the
150screen.
151"Ineedadollar,"hesaid.
152"now,ain'tthatabitch?Iwasjustgonnaaskyoufor
the
153samething."
154"you'reinabadmood,"hesaid.
155"sure,"Isaid,"haven'tyouheard?Faulkner'sdead."
156"Faulkner?wasn'theabullringjock?Pomona
Fairgrounds?
157Rudioso?Caliente?youknewthekid?"
158"Iknewthekid,"Isaid
159andthenwalkedonupstairs.
160therestofthenightwasnoaccount,astheArkies
say,
161andtherewereacoupleofnumbersIcoulddial,
1624or5numbers,someblack,somewhite,
163someold,someyoung,
164butIkeptthinkingofwhitehospitals

165andpalmtreesintheshade,
166anditwasquiet,atlastitwasquiet,
[Page157]
167andtherearetimeswhenyouhavetocomeback
168andlookaround,therearetimesofLudwig,
169therearetimesofwalls,
170therearetimesofthinkingofErnest
171andthatshotgunraisedtohishead;
172therearetimesforthinking
173ofdeadloves,deadflowers,
174ofallthedead,deadpeoplewhogiveyouaname,
175fromFloridatoDelMar,Calif.,
176allthesadnesslikeaparade
177ofgentlefoolsgone,
178waterrunninginsinks,
179stockingswashed,
180gownsworn,thrownaway,
181theuglyducklingworld
182quietlyslippingawayfromme
183andmyselfslippingaway,
184anoldtiger,
185sickofthebattle.
186thenextmorningIwasawakenedbyaknockonthedoor,
187soIignoredit,Ineveranswerthedoor,
188Idon'twanttoseeanybody,
189butitkeptupwithakindofgentlepersistence
190soIgotupandputonmyoldyellowrobe
191deadvoicesfrombedrooms
192andopenedthedoor.
193"Iamheretohelpthehandicappedpeople,"shesaid.
194"docomein,"Isaid.
195shewasayounggirl19,20,21,
196hereyesasinnocentasthemapofTexasspread
197overtheclouds,
198andshewalkedacrosstherugandsatdown
199andIwentintothekitchenandtookthecap
200offof2beers.mygoldfishswamlikecrazy.
201Iwalkedoutwiththebeers,Isaid,
[Page158]
202"lovemustbealways
203becausestonesgoneflatwithleaning
204takeshipstosea
205takecatsanddogsand
206everything."
207shelaughedandthedaybeganwithout
208error.
[Page159]
worms

1aguytoldme,
2youdon'thavetoworryaboutwormswhenyou're
3dead
4theynevergettoyou
5thebodychangeslikeinalldifferent
6waysbythetime
7they'veworkedthroughthecasket
8thingshavehappenedandit
9alwayshappens
10different
11they'veduguptheseoldkingsoutatombs,ya
12know:
13oneguywasjust
14alittlesplotchofblack
15water,anotherhada
16beard18feetlongandanotherhad
17turnedtoakindofrocklike
18salt.
19yeah?Isaid.
20yeah,hesaid.
21heknewallthesethings.
22helivedhighinthehillsandhadthese
23tremendousbrains.
24beforeIleftIreachedoutand
25pulledthewormsoutofhis
26eyesnosebellyshoeshairears
27andthenhesaid
[Page160]
28goodnight
29andIsaid
30goodnight
31andIgotinmycaranddroveoff
32andthewormslaughed
33allthewayhome.
[Page161]
tohellwithRobertSchumann
1Ifinishedmydrinkandwentback
2upstairstohearthesecondhalf
3anotherpianoconcerto,and
42aretoomanyand
5Icouldn'tmakeitout
6havinglostmyprogramso
7Ilefttheplaceanddrove21blocks
8SouthandEast
9towhere2flyweights
10aJapandaMexicanwere
11goingatit.the
12MexicanbuttedtheJapand
13theJapbledfromacut

14abovetheeye
15butonlyfoughtharder
16hewasgrasshopperslimwith
17verythinarmsbut
18hitveryhard.itwentalltenand
19theJapgottheverdict.another
20tenfollowed.Idrankalotof
21beer
22keptleavingtopissand
23whenIcamebackonetimeit
24wasover:k.o.,
25andIwalkedouttomycarand
26sinceIwasdowntownI
27drovetowhereIworkedinthe
28daylight
29toseeifmaybetheplacelookedless
30painfuland
31Ilookedthroughthewindowand
[Page162]
32thoughtIsawRalphthestockboyin
33there
34crawlingaroundonhishandsandhis
35knees.hewasanoddoneand
36thesecretarieswereafraidofhim
37andIthoughtIshouldcallthe
38police
39butthenIthought
40Idon'tcareifheraidsthe
41placeorsetsiton
42fire.Igotbackintomycar
43andtookthefreewaybacktomy
44apartment.
45Idrankacoupleglassesofscotch,
46settheclockfor6:30
47ateavitamin
48thoughtaboutawhoreinGlendale
49checkedtheballscores
50pissedagain
51turnedoutthelights
52gotintobed(alone)
53didn'tpray
54thoughtofplaceslikeJapanand
55CentralAvenue
56thoughtaboutthedeadand
57thefamous
58thoughtaboutdying
59whiletheThameswentalongwithout
60meandthegirlswalkedupanddownthe
61sidewalkswithoutme
62andthenIthoughtIwouldn'tmind
63somuch
64andwenttosleepand
65sleptgood.
[Page163]

theseminar
(dedicatedtomybetters)
1Wednesday,24July1969;MorningSession(Robert
Hansen
2andAllenTruport):
3discussedsurediscussed
4WORKHABITS.Bobingests,ingests,ingests,soweget
those
5wonderfullyturned
6Allenkeepslarge
notebooks
7wherein
8hetoldus
9henotesdownEVERYTHING.akindofspatialflowing
10viewPOINT.
11Allensays
12hewritesallthetimeasmuchas
possible;
13it'slikehangingacoatinacloset:
you've
14gottogetinthere.reasonableness
maynotbe
15enchanting,butsaidAllen,itis
REWARDING.
16abignotebook,hesaid,byGodthat'sthe
17
THING!
18likeGenetonthesand
19blowingcock!
20Bobsaid:
21whattheprimaryinterestisandshould
beisingesting,
22ingesting,akindofpulmonarypercussionindrawn,
tightened
23and
24thenplaceduponthepaper,themarbleintightorder
ofgrip,
25allowingthefunctiontobethe(possible)anguish
ratherthan
26any
27MESSAGEora)artorder
28b)
audiencerelationship.
[Page164]
29Allen:Iwanttowrite
30ENOUGHPOEMS
31
so
thatwhenIdie
32alltheshitwillbeoutofme,Imeantheguff,the
nonsense,
33theturdsyes,ahImeanthatIhaveexpressed

enough
34ENOUGHyouseeto
35freeme.
36R.H.Irealizethestandardessenceofallyour
POETRY;
37Isaycontentisanextensionofform.wemustbarter
38forafirmerdivinity.theconductof
children,
39forinstance,isfairlyfreebut
40UNFORMED
41andinthefinal
42multiplication...useless.
43Iwouldsaythatthedifferencebetween
44HansenandTruportisthatHansenKNOWS
45whatheis
46doing.
47EveningSession(R.H.andA.T.)
48Bobsayspriestsshouldsticktotheirrobesandleave
49POETRY
50tohim.
51Iagree
52withthis.
53Allensayspoliticalpoetryorpoetrydealingwith
immediate
54causesandreflectionsis
55
interesting,and
interesting
56goes
well,badlywritten
57ornot,itappearsIMPORTANT,isappearssympathetic
58andtheONETHINGIdonotwanttodoislose
59
my
AUDIENCE.
60Thursday,July25th;noclasses:
61adozenofushadgoneoverto
Buchanan106
[Page165]
62forthehellof
63it
64tousethe
lectureroom
65
anyhow
66butwefoundsomeWOMENinthere
67andtheyappearedHOSTILEwhenwewalkedinand
68evenMOREhostilewhenwebegantalkingabout
69
POETRY.
70theirhostilityisperhapsunderstandablebecausewe
71DON'T
72tendtothem.

73they'lljusthavetoWAITuntilworkshop
74CLASSEStoget
aportionofour
75attention.
76butitwasreallysomething,allofusthere
together,
77talking,TALKING,Hansen,Truport,Missions,De
Costro
78Sevadov,andStarwort,allall
79together
80
herein
ONEroomwas
81theheartofAmericanPOETRY
82
talking,my
83
god.
84Friday,July26th;MorningSession:
85DeCostrodominatedthewholedamnedmeeting.he
has
86bighandsandmany
87IDEAS.Truport
appearstobeafraid
88ofDeCostro.Hansencoolsit.nobodygetsalong.
89yetthereisno
90YELLING.theseareonlypoets.
91DeCostrosaystherootofthethingistransferredto
thetree
92andthetreediesand
93becomesHISTORY
94
and
that
95
generally
[Page166]
96historyispretty
97disappointing,it'seasierto
chopdowna
98treethanapoem,hesays,historychops
99
YOU
down.
100FUCKALLMEANING!Bobsuddenlyscreams.
101then,insoftervoice:
102weoughttodiscard.
103weallagreethatfeelingiseverythingand
104wegooutforcoffee
105
leavingthree
girlssitting
106therewiththeirdresseshikeduparoundtheir
107
HIPS.

108Monday,July29th;MorningSession:
109IsawallFIVEOFTHEM!!!
110
arounda
desk
111
TOGETHER:
112
Hansen,
Truport,
113
De
Costro,
114
Starwort
and
115
Phillip
Maxwell.
116Phillipdidn'tARGUEdidn'tsaymuch
117andleftbeforethemeetingwasOVER
118
but
explainedhe'dwait
119OUTSIDEforthefreelunch.hisbookshaven'tbeen
120
GOING
well.
121StarwortreadhisManonaStreetcarRunningBackwards
122fromBent
Lily#8.
123Icouldn'treallyunderstandhis
124READING
125
but
willhavetosee
126theworkinprintbeforeImakea
127
JUDGMENT.
[Page167]
128
Maybe
AllieDenby
129willsendmea
130copyoftheissue,tho,alas,I
understanditis
131nowaRAREITEM
132goingto$20outofFort
Lauderdale.
133thepastcanonlytakeplaceinthePRESENT,ifyou
134knowwhatImean,said
135De
Costro.

136weall
137nodded.
138TruportsaidhewasafraidofbeingBROKE.he
was
139linedupforonemoresessionatthe
140U.
ofK.
141buthadn'theardmuch
142more.ofcourse,he'd
beenmoving
143aroundquiteabit,inTOUCHand
144OUT
OFTOUCH:
145Paris,Cuba,theCongo,India,MoscowandDenver,
Colorado.
146wespokeofTheCantos.
147Poundcontinually
triestofindspace
148AREAS,ARENASOFCONTOURforhisextracerebral
149powerpoetic
150uningrained...uncontrivedsoulmind...likea...
likea
151whiplashingagainstthesidesofanold
152
BARN.
153wewantaCOMPLETEEMERGENCE,saidDeCostro.
154nothing
halfnothingwilted
155wewantthepoetic
Christthingwalkingoutof
156thebarn
157andTeachingnotfromtheTOPdown
158butthroughandthroughand
159
THROUGH.
160goddamnittohell,saidStarwort.suddenly.
161intakingmynotesIcouldnotfitit
into
[Page168]
162the
163conversation.
164FirstWorkshopsessionwithR.H.:
165heseemedtosayalotthatIdidn'tunderstand
but
166theothersseemedtounderstand
167andthesessionwentwell.
168Boblookedwell.Ihada
169HANGOVER.
170Wednesday,July31st;MorningSession(mostofus
there):
171therewereagaintheoldargumentsabout
Vietnam,

172CleaverandthePanthers,allofwhich,I
amafraid,I
173nolonger
174understand.
175IamAFRAID
176Iamgettingtired
177althoughtheothersappearvery
178energetic.
179IneedSECURITY,saidHansen.IneedaperpetualFATHER
180andaGOODJOBormyworkis
181
HINDERED.
182Allenreadsomeofhisearlystuff.Iunderstandsome
ofit
183butFRANKLY,Ithinkhetendsto
184
hollerand
OVERSTAGE.
185Ileftwitha
186HEADACHE.
187Friday,August2nd;MorningSession:
188Allenspokeofsomeofthepoetryhehadseen
in
189thecampusshithousesandsaiditwaspretty
190
GOOD.
191thenWm.Burroughswasdiscussed
[Page169]
192hisUSEoftimelyand
pertinent
193newsmaterialthatRELATED...
194byclipping
outwordsinthepaper
195andpastingtheminDIFFERENTORDER
196ANEW
ORDER
197
was
established
198andaneutralizationoftimeandevent
199
WAS
200
established.
201THISWAsimporTANT.YeS.I'llsAYsO.
202wealladmittedweoftenreadTimeand
203
Pravda.
204thenAllenread

205AGAIN
206thistimefrom
UnpubliSHED
207
WoRk
208dIrEcTlyFrOMtheJOuRnals
209therewere
250peopleattending
210andhereadLOUDLYandIhadanother
211
HANGOVER.
212hescreamedforFORTYFIVEMINUTES!thenbecame
213TERRIBLY
214exhausted,youcouldn'thearhim,hisvoiceBECAME
215amonotonousdroneandheaskedtheaudience:
216mayIstopnow?
217theyapplaudedLOUDLY.
218Sunday,August4th:
219thejanitorhadlockedallthedoorsonthe
campusso
220wemetatHansen'sroomanddrankportwine.Deniseand
221CarolcameupbuttheywereSAFE
222althougheveryoneappearedalittlesullen.
223IthinkitwasbeingLOCKEDOUTlikethat.
224laterinthenightAllengrewangryandslapped
[Page170]
225Bob.thenAllenreadhispoetryagain.itwas
226goodbeingtherealltogetherallof
us.
227Ihavetriedtotakenotesandhopeyouhave
228APPRECIATEDTHEM.
229nextsummerIamsurewewillbe
230
INVITEDBACK
231andIlookforward
232EAGERLY
233tothese
greatAmericanpoets
234andtheirDISCUSSIONofwhatmakesPOETRYGO,whatit
235iS!!
236AnDTohaVEthemrEaDthEiROWNWORKSOnCe
237AgAin.
HowardPeter,UniversityofL.August5,1969
[Page171]
oneforGing,withkluxtop
1Iliveamongratsandroaches
2butthereisthishighriseapt.,anewone

3acrossfromme,glimmeringpool,livedinbyvery
young
4peoplewithnewcars,mostlyredorwhitecars,
5andIallowmyselftolookuponthissceneas
6sometypeofmiracleworld
7notbecauseitispossiblyso
8butbecauseitiseasiertothinkthisway,
9whytakemoreknives?
10sotodayIsathereandIsawoneyoungman
11sittinginhisredcar
12suckinghisthumbandwaiting
13asanotheryoungman,obviouslyhisfriend,
14talkedtoayoungwomandressedinkindoflongslim
short
15pants,yes,andablackillfittingblouse,
16andshehadonsomekindofhighpointedhat,rather
17likethekukluxklanwear,andtheotheryoungman
sucked,
18satand
19suckedhisthumb
20inthe
21redcarand
22behindthem,throughtheglassdoor
23theotheryoungpeoplesatandsatandsatandsat
24aroundthebluepool,
25andtheyoungwomanwasangry
26shewasuglyanyhowandnowshewasveryugly
27butshemusthavehadsomethingtointeresttheyoung
man
28andshesaidsomethingviolentandfinal
29(Icouldn'thearanyofit)
30andwalkedoffwest,awayfromtheyoungmanandthe
31building,
[Page172]
32andtheyoungmanwasflushedintheface,seemingly
more
33stunned
34thanangry,andthentheybothsatinthecarfora
while,
35andthentheotheryoungmantookhisthumboutofhis
36mouth,andstartedtheredcar,andthentheywere
37gone.
38andthroughmywindowandthroughtheglassdoor
39Icouldseetheotheryoungpeople
40sittingsittingsitting
41aroundthebluepool.mymiraclecrowd,myfuture
42leaders.
43tomakeitroundout,Idecidedthatthenightbefore
44theyoungman(nottheonewiththethumb)hadtried
45toscrewtheuglygirlinthepointedhatwhilethey
wereboth
46drunk,andthattheuglygirlinthepointedhat
47feltforsomereasonthatthiswasadamneddirty

trick.
48sheactedbitpartsinlittletheatrewassaidto
havetalent
49hadafairlywealthyfather,andhernamewasGigor
50Gingor
51somethingoddlikethatandthatwasmainlywhythe
boys
52wantedto
53screwher:becauseherfirstnamewasGigorGing
54orAszpupu,
55andtheboyswantedtosay,verymuchwantedtosay:
56"IballedwithGinglastnight."
57allright,sohavingsettledallthat,
58Iputonsomecoffeeandrolledmyselfsomething
59calming.
[Page173]
communists
1weranthewomeninastraightlinedowntotheriver
2clingingtothefearintheirricestupidheads
3clingingtotheirinfants
4micelikesucklingsbreathingintheairatoddsof
5onethousandtoone;
6weshotthemenastheykneeledinacircle,
7andthedeathofthemenheldalmostnodeath,
8itwassomehowlikeamoviefilm,
9menofspiderarmsandlegsandahunkofcloth
10tocoverthesexualorgan.
11menhardlyborncouldhardlybekilled
12andtheretheyweredowntherenow,finallydead,
13thesunstrainingontheirfacesofweird
14puzzlement.
15someofthewomencouldfirerifles.weleftasmall
16detachmenttodecideupon
17them.thenwefireduptheunburnedhutsandmovedon
18tothenextvillage.
[Page174]
familyfamily
1Ikeeplookingatthe
2kid
3up
4side
5down,
6andIamtickling
7hersides
8ashermotherpinsnew
9diapers
10on,
11andthekiddoesn'tlooklike
12me

13upsidedown[Figure:2Kb][OpenFigure]
14soIgetreadyto
15killthemboth
16but
17relent:
18Idon'teven
19looklike
20myself
21rightsideup,so.
22shitonit!
23Itickleagain,say
24crazy
25words,andandandand
26hope
27allthewhile
28thatthis
29veryunappetizing
30world
[Page175]
31doesnotblowup
32inallour
33laughing
34faces.
[Page176]
poemforthedeathofanAmericanservicemaninVietnam:
1shotthroughaholeinthe
2bellybutton
39mileswide
4outitcame:
5thoseIndianheadpennies
6thoseolddeadwhores
7thesickseawalkinglike
8pink
9toast
10pastbottlesoforange
11children
12dripping
13drip
14dry
15barometer
16lowering
17whilethegunselevatedlike
18erections
19tossedtheapplesaladback
20intothe
21sky.
22(hediedthen,stuffingballoonswith
23marblesastheprince
24laughed.)

[Page177]
guiltobsessionbehindacloudofrockets:
1genuinelytraginew,dandythen,babe,
2theageoldbile:
3dummiesstuffedwithwaxand
4steel,
5adeeperdarkthananydark
6wehaveever
7known
8Idonotspeakofsuchobviousthingsas
9skin
10christ,it'sabad
11fix,ghostlytrue,
12Imightevensay
13offthetopofthebottle
14thatIsuffermorethan
15most,haha,but
16I'vealsofoundthat
17goodmen
18neithertalkabouttheirvirtuesor
19theirpossibilities,
20strikedeephere,
21catchfish,headaches,sores,blisters,
22traffictickets,toothdecay,hatredfrom
23lesbians,thesurgeon'sbrown
24finger
25ifdeathissofearful
26thenlifemustbe
27good?
28dandythen,babe,genuinely
29traginew,and
30I'vefoundoutwhymen
31signtheirnamestotheir
[Page178]
32works
33notthattheycreatedthem
34butmore
35thantheothersdid
36not.
[Page179]
eventhesunwasafraid
1they'dstuckhimintheshoulderand
2hecameout
3pissed
4feelingallthespaceofground
5feelingthesunshine
6and
7lookingforsomebody.
8itstoodthere.

9itseemedthateventhesunwasafraidofthe
10bull.
11thematadorscreamedsomething
12shookandflaggedthecape.
13thebullcameathim.
14hegavehimthecape.butthematdidnotgetvery
15close.
16thenthebullsawthepadded
17horse,theblindfoldedhorse,
18andhetrottedover
19andbeganworkinghishornsagainstthehorse's
20sideandunderside.
21thepic
22thereontopofthehorse
23lancedhimgood
24hestuckhimdeepandhardwiththe
25pole
26reallymusclingitin
[Page180]
27screwingitindeep
28rightinthetoppartofthebackthere
29upneartheneck.
30thismakesthebullgomoreforthehorse
31heprobablythinksthehorseisdoingittohim
32andashegoesmoreforthehorse
33hegetsdrilledmoreandmore
34bythechickenshit
35lance.
36thebullleftthehorse
37wentforthecape
38thencamebacktothehorse.
39thenhegotanotherdrillingbythe
40pic.
41hedoesnotanylongerquitelooklikethe
42bullwhofirstranintothering.
43buttheyhaven'tcuthimdownenough
44theyhavesomethingelsefor
45him:thebanderillas.
46shortsharppiecesthatarejammedintotheupperback
47andneck,theplacementofthesedoesappear
48dangerous.
49nocapeisusedandtheseyoungMexicanboys
50stupidandwithdirty
51behinds
52theyleapintotheairandmakethe
53placementsasthebullruns
54by.

55wewatchedthemmakethe
56placements.
[Page181]
57nowthebullwasproperlyreadyforthematadortobe
58brave.
59theneckandbackmusclesweresevered,shreddedin
60manyplaces.
61theheadcame
62down.
63Harrytookadrink."theseMexicanbullsaren'tany
64good.yououghtaseetheSpanishbulls.theygothorns
65likethis":
66heshowedmehowtheyhadhornslikethat.withhis
67hands.thenwebothhada
68drink.
69thematadordidnotseemtogetinvery
70close.thebullkeptgettinginthose
71tiredanddesperatelungesatthecape
72gettingmoreandmorewinded
73moreandmore
74useless.
75eachofthematador'smovementshadsomemeaning,some
76name.theMexicansknewit.thedrunkenAmericansin
the
77shadewithgoodjobsandsubnormalwives
78didn'tknowanything.theyrootedforthe
79bull.
80theydidn'tknowthatittookguts
81toevendoabadjobwiththebull.
82well,thisbullwasbadandthematadorwasbad
83butthematadorwasworsethanthe
84bull,andIguessthat'saboutasbadastheactcan
85get.
86exceptwhenthebullissomuchlessworsethanthe
87matadorandthematgetsgoredandtheAmericansgo
88homehappyand
[Page182]
89fuckallnight
90tryingtoforgetaboutthejobinthe
91morning.
92killtimecame.thematknewwhattodo.heknewthe
93spot.itwaslikerunningahotpokerintoa
94barrelofloosetinfoil.
95thebull
96beatenandstabbedabouttheneckandback
97windedtotallybyrippingatavisionofa

98redcapethatonly
99gave,gave,gave
100foldedoverthehornforever
101thebullwaswindedspirituallyas
102well.
103andfinallystood
104disgustedanddoomed
105looking
106LOOKING.
107wehadanother
108drink.weknewtheplot,thehero,thewhole
109fuckingthing.theswordwent
110in.
111butitwasn't
112over.
113thebullstoodthere.
114andwiththeswordcuttinghisvitals
115theycameup.
1164or5Mexicanswithdirty
117behinds.includingthe
118mat.
[Page183]
119andtheyturned
120him.flickedtheircapesat
121him.punchedhimonthe
122nose.
123stillhewouldn't
124fall.
125theyweretryingtopushhimintodeath
126buthewashanging
127in.
128andeverynowandthen
129theheadwouldremember
130andgivealungeof
131hornand
132theywouldstepback
133rememberingtheirowndeaths.
134thenthematcameup
135pulledthesword
136out,stuckithome
137again.
138stillnogood.
139thebullwouldnotgo
140down.
141wehadanotherdrink.
142"yousee,"saidHarry,"theykeepturninghim.that
143swordiscuttinghim.everytimetheymakehimmove,

144theswordcutsagain."
145finallysomebodytookhisfootand
146kickedthebulloverandthebull
147felldown.
[Page184]
148butstill
149itwasn'tany
150good.
151thebullkeptkickinghis
152legs,tryingtoget
153up.hewouldn't
154quit.
155sothenalittlefatchapcame
156out.hewasalldressedinwhiteandworealittle
157whitebutcher'scap.heseemedquite
158angry.
159hehadashortbladeandwalkedup
160andveryangryandquick
161hechoppedandchoppedandchoppedand
162chopped.itappearedthathewaschoppingatthe
163bull'shead,his
164brain.
165thebullcouldn'tgetattheboyinthe
166butcher'scap.hehadto
167takeit.finallyoneofthechops
168took.
169youcouldSEEthebull
170die.thebullgaveit
171up.thecrowd
172cheered.
173Harrytooka
174drink,thatwastheendofthat
175pint.andthat
176matador.
[Page185]
177"what'sthenameofthenext
178bull?"Iasked
179Harry.
180"Idon'tknow.thelightis
181bad."
182anyhow,thenextbullcame
183out.
184wehadonemorepintandthe
185drivebackin.
[Page186]

onagrant
1...anoceanliner
2theCaptainsmilesandfartsandknowsmy
3name
4theseaisboilingandsmellsof
5tornchunksandwarmrawmeat
6and
7halfdaftsickspiderstryto
8windtheirdeadlegsaroundeachother
9aroundeverything
10buttheytangleoffslideoffdriftoff
11losinglegsagainsttheprow
12andwantingtoscreamandnotbeingableto
13scream
14while
15IamonthegrantfromaUniversity
16and
17translatingRimbaudandLorcaand
18GnterGrassoverandover
19again
20then
21afteraconversationonProustand
22PatchenIrapea
23richbeautifulgirlinmycabin
24and
25afterwardssheturnsintoa
26deadpeachtreewhichI
27hangonthewall
28then
29Iawakeninasmalldirtybedroomandthe
30womanwalksin:
[Page187]
31"listen,Ineedastroller.thekidis
32gettingtooheavytocarry."
33"o.k.,o.k."
34"butwhen?when?"
35"nottoday.toogoddamned
36tired."
37"tomorrow?"
38"tomorrow,sure."
[Page188]
finish
1thehearsecomesthroughtheroomfilledwith
2thebeheaded,thedisappeared,theliving
3mad.
4thefliesareaglueofstickypaste
5theirwingswillnot

6lift.
7Iwatchanoldwomanbeathercat
8withabroom.
9theweatherisunendurable
10adirtytrickby
11God.
12thewaterhasevaporatedfromthe
13toiletbowl
14thetelephoneringswithout
15sound
16thesmalllimparmpeteringagainstthe
17bell.
18Iseeaboyonhis
19bicycle
20thespokescollapse
21thetiresturninto
22snakesandmelt
23away.
24thenewspaperisoven!hot
25menmurdereachotherinthestreets
26withoutreason.
27theworstmenhavethebestjobs
28thebestmenhavetheworstjobsorare
29unemployedorlockedin
30madhouses.
31Ihave4cansoffoodleft.
[Page189]
32airconditionedtroopsgofromhouseto
33house
34fromroomtoroom
35jailing,shooting,bayoneting
36thepeople.
37wehavedonethistoourselves,we
38deservethis
39wearelikerosesthathaveneverbotheredto
40bloomwhenweshouldhavebloomedand
41itisasif
42thesunhasbecomedisgustedwith
43waiting
44itisasifthesunwereamindthathas
45givenuponus.
46Igooutonthebackporch
47andlookacrosstheseaofdeadplants
48nowthornsandsticksshiveringina
49windlesssky.
50somehowI'mgladwe'rethrough
51finished
52theworksofArt
53thewars
54thedecayedloves
55thewaywelivedeachday.
56whenthetroopscomeuphere
57Idon'tcarewhattheydofor
58wealreadykilledourselves
59eachdaywegotoutofbed.
60Igobackintothekitchen

61spillsomehashfromasoft
62can,itisalmostcooked
63already
64andIsit
65eating,lookingatmy
66fingernails.
67thesweatcomesdownbehindmy
[Page190]
68earsandIhearthe
69shootinginthestreetsand
70Ichewandwait
71withoutwonder.
[Page191]
theunderground
1theplacewascrowded.
2theeditortoldme,
3"Charleygetsomechairsfromupstairs,
4therearemorechairsupstairs."
5Ibroughtthemdownandweopenedthebeerand
6theeditorsaid,
7"we'renotgettingenoughadvertising,
8theboatmightgodown,"
9sotheystartedtalkingabouthowtoget
10advertising.
11Ikeptdrinkingthebeer
12andhadtopiss
13andwhenIgotback
14thegirlnexttomesaid,
15"weoughttoevacuatethecity,
16that'swhatweoughttodo."
17Isaid,"I'dratherlistentoJosephHaydn."
18shesaid,"justthinkofit,
19ifeverybodyleftthecity!"
20"they'donlybesomeplaceelse
21stinkingitup,"Isaid.
22"Idon'tthinkyoulike
23people,"shesaid,pullinghershortskirtdown
24asmuchaspossible.
25"justtofuckwith,"Isaid.
[Page192]
26thenIwenttothebarnextdoorand
27bought3morepacksofbeer.
28whenIgotbacktheyweretalkingRevolution.
29sohereIwasbackin1935again,
30onlyIwasoldandtheywereyoung.Iwasatleast
3120yearsolderthananybodyintheroom,

32andIthought,whatthehellamIdoing
33here?
34soonthemeetingended
35andtheywentoutintothenight,
36thoseyoungones
37andIpickedupthephone,Igot
38JohnT.,
39"John,youo.k.?I'mlowtonight.
40supposeIcomeoverandget
41drunk?"
42"sure,Charley,we'llbewaiting."
43"Charley,"saidtheeditor,"Iguesswe'vegotto
44putthechairsback
45upstairs."
46wecarriedthechairsbackupstairs
47the
48revolutionwas
49over.
[Page193]
fromtheDept.ofEnglish
1100millionChinesebugsonthestairwayto
2hell,
3comedrinkwithme
4rubmybackwithme;
5thisfilthpitchedroom,
6floorcoveredwithyellownewspapers
73weeksold;bottlecaps,ared
8pencil,aripof
9toiletpaper,theseoddbitsof
10brokenthings;
11thefliesworrymeasicecreamladies
12walkpastmywindow;
13atnightIsleep,trytosleep
14betweenmoundsofstinkinglaundry;
15ghostscomeout,
16playdirtygames,evilgames,gamesofhorrorwith
17mymind;
18inthemorningthereisbloodonthesheet
19fromabrokensoreuponmy
20back.
21puttingonashirtthatripsacrossmy
22back,rottenragofathing,
23andputtingonpantswitharipinthe
24crotch,Ifindinthemailbox
25(alongwithotherthreats):
26"DearMr.Bukowski:
27Wouldliketoseemoreofyourpoemsfor
28possibleinclusionin
29PoetryReview.

30How'sitgoing?"
[Page194]
footnoteupontheconstructionofthemasses:
1somepeopleareyoungandnothing
2elseand
3somepeopleareoldandnothing
4else
5andsomepeopleareinbetweenand
6justinbetween.
7andifthefliesworeclothesontheir
8backs
9andallthebuildingsburnedin
10goldenfire,
11ifheavenshooklikeabelly
12dancer
13andalltheatombombsbeganto
14cry,
15somepeoplewouldbeyoungandnothing
16elseand
17somepeopleoldandnothing
18else,
19andtherestwouldbethesame
20therestwouldbethesame.
21thefewwhoaredifferent
22areeliminatedquicklyenough
23bythepolice,bytheirmothers,their
24brothers,others;by
25themselves.
[Page195]
26allthat'sleftiswhatyou
27see.
28it's
29hard.
[Page196]
kaakaa&otherimmolations
1wondrous,sure,kid,youwantmore
2applejuice?howcanyoudrinkthatgoddamned
3stuff?Ihateit.what?no,I'mnotDr.
4Vogel.I'mthedaddy.youroldman.where'smama?
5she'soutjoininganartist'scolony.oh,that'sa
place
6wherepeoplegowhoaren't
7artists.yes,that'sthewayitworksalmost
8everywhere.sometimesyoucangointoahospitaland
9itcanbe40floorshighandtherewon'tbeadoctor
in
10there,andhardtofindanurseeither.

11what'sahospital?ahospitalisjustabunchof
12disconnectedbuttons,dyingpeopleandvery
sophisticatedand
13comfortableorderlies.butthewholeworldislike
this:
14nobodyknowswhattheyaresupposedtoknow
15poetscan'twritepoetry
16mechanicscan'tfixyourcar
17fighterscan'tfight
18loverscan'tlove
19preacherscan'tpreach.it'sevenlikethatwith
20armies:wholearmiesledwithoutgenerals,
21wholenationsledwithoutleaders,whythewholething
islike
22tryingtocopulatewithawooden
23dick...oh,pardonme!
24howoldareyou?three?three.ah.threefingers,
that'snice!
25youlearnfast,mylittleducky.what?more
26applejuice?o.k.
27youwannaplaytrain?youwannatakemeforaride?
28o.k.,Tucson,we'llgotoTucson,whatthehell!
29damnit,Idon'tKNOWifwe'rethereyet,you're
30driving!
31what?we'reonthewayBACKalready?
[Page197]
32youwantsomecandy?shit,youbeeneatin'candyfor
hours!
33listen,Idon'tKNOWwhenyourmotherwillbeback,
uh?
34well,
35aftersigningupfortheartist'scolonyshe'sgoing
toapoetry
36reading.what'sapoetryreading?apoetryreadingis
where
37peoplegatherandreadtheirpoetrytoeachother,the
ones
38mostlywhocan'twritepoetry.
39what'spoetry?nobodyknows.itchanges.itworksby
itself
40likeasnailcrawlingupthesideofahouse.oh,
that'sabig
41squashythingthatgoesallgooeyandslimywhenyou
42stepon
43it.amIasnail?
44Iguesssokid,what?
45youwannakaakaa?
46o.k.,goahead.canyougetyourownpantsdown?I
don't
47see
48youveryoften.oh,youwantthelighton?youwantme
49tostay
50orgoaway?stay?fine,then.
51nowkaakaa,littleone,that'sit...
52kaakaa...

53soyoucangrowuptobeabigwomanand
54dowhatbigwomen
55do.
56kaakaa.
57at'sit,sweet,
58ain'titfunny?
59mamakaakaatoo.
60ohyeah
61wow!
62that'sallright!
63nowwipeyourass.
64no,betterthan
65that!there,that's
66better.
[Page198]
67yousayI'mkaakaa!
68heythat's
69good!Ilikethat!
70veryfunny.
71nowlet'sgogetsomemorebeerand
72applejuice.
[Page199]
aproblemoftemperament
1Iplayedtheradioallnightthenightofthe17th.
2andtheneighborsapplauded
3andthelandladyknockedonthedoor
4andsaid
5PLEASE
6PLEASE
7PLEASE
8MOVE,
9youmakethesheetsdirty
10wheredoesthebloodcomefrom?
11youneverwork.
12youlayaroundandtalktotheradio
13anddrink
14andyouhaveabeard
15andyouarealwayssmirking
16andbringingthosewomen
17toyourroom
18andyounevercombyourhair
19orshineyourshoes
20andyourshirtsarewrinkled
21whydon'tyouleave?
22youaremakingtheneighbors
23unhappy,
24pleasemakeusallhappy
25andgoaway!
26gotohell,baby,Ihissedthrough
27thekeyhole;mahrent'spaid'til

28Wednesday.canIshowyouawatercolor
29nudepaintedin1887byanunknownGerman
[Page200]
30artist?Ihaveitinsuredfor
31$1,000.
32unrelenting,shestampeddownthehall.
33noartiste,she.Iwould
34liketoseeherinthenude,though.
35perhapsIcouldpaintmyway
36tofreedom.no?
[Page201]
poetess
ForS.S.V.
1shelivedinasmallroombythefreewayandshe
2wrotelikeamansomebodywhoworkedonthedock
3andItappedonherwindowandsheletmein,I
4climbedthroughthewindowandIsatdownasthe
5stupidfingersofmymindreachedaroundtheroom,
6ItoldherIhadbeenonadrunkandthatIhadto
7cutmytoenails(theyhurt)andItoldherthat
8therewerealotofpeoplegettingonmynerveslike
9abrokenglovecompartmentandshewalkedoverand
10kissedme,askedifIwantedcoffeeandifIhad
11beeneating,andthenshetoldmeherradiowasbrok
12enshehaddroppeditonthefloor.andItooka
13knifebladeandworkedatthescrewsintheback.
14becareful,shesaid,itsays
15thereisdangerofshock,andItold
16her:Iamimmortal,Ican'tgetor
17bekilled.
18shesetacheesesandwichandacupofcoffeein
19frontofmeandIstraighteneduptheloosetubes,
20thereseemedtobenobrokenones,butitwasget
21tingtobetimeforthefirstraceandItoldher,
22Jesus,Idon'thavetime!
23ifyou'reimmortal,shesaid,
24youhaveplentyoftime.
25Iatethecheesesandwichanddrankthecoffee.
26seeyoutonight,Isaid,I'll
27putthegoddamnedthingtogether
28tonight.
[Page202]
29Iclimbedoutthewindowandintomycar.thesun
30camedowninthedustanddirtoftheparkinglot
31makingeverythingagoodsoftyellowandbrown,and
32thevinesonthefencesmelledgreenthewaygreen
33smells,andIdroveoutbackingup,wavingtoher

34throughthewindshieldandshestoodinthewindow
35wavingandsmiling,andIbackedupthealleyand
36aroundthestreet,putitinforwardandran
37alongthepavementtowardthefreeway,outofthere,
38thinkingaboutwhatIhaddoneorhadn'tdoneto
39theradio(orher),feelingasifIhadleftan
40armyintroubleduringbattle,butthensomekid
41inaVolks
42cutacrossmewithoutasignal
43andIforgotaboutalltherest
44andIpushedthepedaldownand
45movedafterhim.
[Page203]
themiracle
1Toworkwithanartform
2doesnotmeanto
3screwofflikeatapeworm
4withhisbellyfull,
5nordoesitjustifygrandeur
6orgreed,noratalltimes
7seriousness,butIwouldguess
8thatitcallsuponthebestmen
9attheirbesttimes,
10andwhentheydie
11andsomethingelsedoesnot,
12wehaveseenthemiracleofimmortality:
13menarrivedasmen,
14departedasgods
15godsweknewwerehere,
16godsthatnowletusgoon
17whenallelsesaysstop.
[Page204]
Mongoliancoastsshininginlight
1Mongoliancoastsshininginlight,
2Ilistentothepulseofthesun,
3thetigeristhesametoallofus
4andhighoh
5sohighonthebranch
6ouroriole
7sings.

Copyright1969byCharlesBukowski.

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