ENGINOODS

THE

“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

Noods New Guide to Baseball Analogies

Remember talking about “the bases” with your friends back in high-school? There was first base, second base, third base,
and on rare occasions the elusive home run. That was fine, but what the fuck was “second base” exactly? Oh sure, it had
something to do with breasts, but what? There were no well defined terms. Here, for the first time ever, we present the
next step in the evolution of baseball analogies.
Strike Out = D’oh! Loaded Bases = Manage a Trois
Walk = Kissing Grand Slam = Sex 4 times in 1 hour
Bunt = Masturbation Foul Tip = VD
Single = French Kissing Three up, Three Down = Impotency
Double = Some Clothes Off. Lots of grabbin’ Short Stop = Hyman
Triple = Most Clothes off, genital contact. Outfield = Above Clothes
Inside the Park Home Run = Oral Sex (Woohoo!) Infield = Skin on Skin
Ground Rule Double = Would have sex, but lacking a Dugout = Anal Sex
condom In the Batter’s Box = In the ‘Box’
Error = Condom breakage during sex Green Monster = Really Big Dildo
Banned for Life for Gambling = Unprotected Sex Corked Bat = Penile Implants
Hall of Fame = A reputation, good or bad. All-Star Game = When you bring in a ringer
Hall of Shame = Marriage Fast Ball = Quickie
Double Header = Sex with 2 or more different people in Curve Ball = Gay Sex
the same day Slider = Well Lubed
Triple Header = You stud! Sinker = Deep Penetration
Balk = Premature Ejaculation Spit Ball = “Snowballin’”
Pine Tar = KY RBI = Notches on your bed post
Relief Pitcher = Vibrator ERA = Number of times you’ve regretted it the next morning
Bullpen = Sex Toy Chest Infield Fly Rule = Denied before you even made a move
Rain Delay = Unsuspected return of parents/roommates/ Pop-Up = Pop-Out
significant other/spouse Line Drive = Doggy Style
7th Inning Stretch = Leg Cramp, change position now! Talent Scout = Pimp
Rookie = Virgin Hit by Ball = umm…
Minor Leaguer = Under 18 World Series = Orgy
Now, just to show you how these new terms work:
Old Way = “We, um, got to third base I guess and the we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really
like her.”
Noods Way = “First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run. Afterwards, she through a slider and
then I tossed her a sinker. I’m really improving my RBI this season.”
Noods Way = “So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked after the seventh inning stretch
and I had to call in a relief pitcher”

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!

http://www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, Clegg and pedophiles...
If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
“We’re not a respectable network. We’re a whorehouse network, and we have to take whatever we can get.”
 POETS
NORM! er... I mean Maria!
POETS Bottle Drive FINAL TOTALS
There’s no noods next week so this friday’s drinkin’ don’t count.
MaCiv Plumb Bob 216 It took you idiots forever to get on the board. Now why do you only drink once a term?
Beer Barons 88 As always. You guys are the best and most consistant drunks. Sad eh?
Pyrotechnic Timbit Express 76 Love the new name!
Sue Johanson 72 And we love your name too!
Long Wrench Big Nuts 60 Stupid name, but it is your first time past 60. So we always give you once with a real name
Elecxellence/Flux Till It Hertz 60 Crapulance. 60 beer for the whole fucking term? Lightweights.
4A Comp 58 And the rest of you don’t deserve any comments. So instead... a song!
Noods 49 Fox the Fox, Rat the Rat,
1B Mech 33 You can ape the ape,
3A Mech 29 I know about that,
Deck 27 There is one thing you must be sure of,
1B EnvCiv 25 I can’t take any more,
1B Geo 25 Darling, don’t you monkey with the monkey
1B Elec 16 Monkey, monkey, monkey,
Exec 13 Don’t you know you’re going to shock the monkey?

Total Beers consumed in POETS this term: 893 This is so sad guys, you couldn’t even break 1000. We’ve had more than
one class during a term get more than 1000. SO SAD!
BEST OF LUCK NEXT TERM. THANKS MATT! SEE YOU IN SEPTEMBER!

AND JUST AS A BASIS FOR COMPARISON...

Here, for the first time in 10 years, are the totals from the winter term of 1993.
They are presented just to prove to you that you ALL SUCK!

1. WHAT 1395 Damn! No wonder Brick Brewery hasn’t gone bankrupt.

2. Indecent Mechsposure 1262 What, only 133 beers away from the leaders! Pussies.
3. X-Civ 577 What the fuck does your name mean?
4. CCCP 495 Sorry, next time we’ll have more vodka for you.
5. Sydestic 445 Ahh, you lost the cold (beer) war.
6. CHUG 397 Couldn’t even break 400? CENSORED
Couldn’t chug 3 more beers?
7. DAWGS 195 You call that drinking?
8. Hammered & Screwed 175 Obviously not HAMMERED enough. Screw-ups.
9. 3A Chem 170 Good name. Dumbasses.
10. Mechanical Bulls 140 Bullshit. Only 140? Hang your heads in shame.

Editors’ Note: We are not, repeat, NOT responsible for that piece of shit publication fiasco last week.
Blame the 4A Elecs. And to everyone that bitched at us about it – fuck off. Read the fucking title –
they called it “Enginews” (a publication that has been BANNED!); we call ours “The EngiNOODS”.
See? NOODS. NOODS good, NEWS bad.

Thank You and Fuck Off (Again)

But at least it was better than the EngiNUDES (get your own fucking name and stop ripping us off)
“There is only one holistic system of systems; one vast, interwoven, interacting, multivaried,
multinational dominion of dollars!”
 AND THE WINNER OF OUR HEADLINE CONTEST IS:
Me! Because I write all of this shit and you don’t.
MAD LIBS:
If you don’t know how to do this, then you were denied as a child.
Don’t forget, when filling this in, don’t read the as you fill in the blanks! ONLY READ IT AFTERWARDS!
I _ Verb _ for a mid-sized _ Noun _ firm. We have our own in-house_ Noun _

department which is run by a very _ Adjective _ single _ Noun . He and I have always had a

_ Adjective _ working relationship with a lot of repressed _ Adjective _ _ Noun _ between

the two of us. One _ Noun _ about a year ago we were both scheduled to appear in a company

_ Noun _. Not having had _ Adjective _ sex in a long while I _ Verb (past tense)_ to have a

“pre-meting _ Noun _” as a good way to get my satisfaction.

I _ Verb (past tense)_ into his _ Noun _, _ Verb (past tense)_ the _ Noun _ and put my

_ Noun _ down on the floor. He must have known I was up to no good because he

_ Verb (past tense)_ his _ Noun __ Adverb _ from his _ Noun _ far enough for me to

_ Verb _ him. As I _ Verb (p-t) _ his _ Noun _ in silence he unbuttoned my

_ Noun _ and played with my _ Noun _. I was already wet before even entering the

_ Noun _ and this of course only made it _ Adjective _! I slid down his _ Noun _ and

_ Verb (p-t) _ his pants to reveal a _ Adverb _ sized very _ Adjective _ _ Noun _.

As I _ Verb (p-t) _ him off he came in my _ Noun _ with such force it only _ Verb _ me on

more. He _ Verb (p-t) _ me up and put my _ Noun _ on his desk where he proceeded to

_ Verb _, _ Verb _ and _ Verb _ my _ Noun _ till I came like I have never

before. He then _ Verb (p-t) _ into me for another 20 _ Plural Noun _ of intense _ Noun _. As

he _ Verb (p-t) _ himself in and out of me he _ Verb (p-t) _ and bit my _ Noun _ and

_ Plural Noun _. When I _ Verb (p-t) _ him cum inside me I had yet another _ Adjective _

_ Noun _. This began a very _ Adjective _ work relationship between the two of us. We now

have our own “_ Plural Noun _” at least twice a week in any available _ Noun _. Nobody has ever

Verb (p-t) _ our little trysts to this day. I have never had better _ Noun _ in my entire life.

“We’ll tell you anything you want to hear, we lie like hell.”
 Ryan Walker: Impossible
“You can’t be too crazy, but you can be too sane.” - Editors
WHY DID WE PRINT THIS? BECAUSE IT WAS SENT TO US. SEE, SEND STUFF AND
WE WILL PRINT IT. EVEN IF IT SUCKS. HERE’S PROOF!
Dear Ed,

In these troubled times, people are being bombarded on all sides with mixed messages and innumerable demands are put
on their time. People are frustrated, angry, discombobulated, irksome, peevish, and just plain confused. Their stuck in
traffic, eating fast food, seeing Disney come within an eyelash of conquering the Stanley Cup and have Mickey glory-fuck
it, being downsized, not getting head, and just generally being pissed off. With all these things transpiring, wouldn’t it be
great if someone could simplify your life? What if a genius, a born leader were to reduce stress and demands on your time
by combining two necessary elements of daily life? Sound too good to be true? Well it’s not! It is with the greatest
pleasure that I unveil to you my newest creation … Miguel’s Catholic Church / Pornographodrome. That’s right; you, the
missus, and the kids can enjoy the Gospel according to Mark while being entertained with hot girl-on-girl action. Our
guarantee: within an hour you’ll be leaving with a clean conscience and a smile on your face. I mean, Jesus is practically
naked on the cross, so this cross-over deal seems like a natural.

We’ve revolutionized church; the Holy Water is used to soak cheerleaders involved in a wet T-shirt contest, Ron Jeremy
makes Leviticus V: 16 really ring true, the collection plate gets involved in some real naughtiness, and when the priest
flashed the crowd at the end of the sermon and shows you his huge “rosary” … well, you’ll be dying to shout AMEN.

And to the gentlemen purveyors at Cock Ring Warehouse, I had some new products in mind. I’d like to start selling the
Crucific-Dildo and Prayer/Anal Beads as soon as possible.

That’s Miguel’s Catholic Church / Pornographodrome. And, remember our motto: You can’t pray to God without getting
on your knees.

Sacrilegiously yours,

Miguel “Child molesting is just another way of spreading God’s Love” Sanchez

THIS WEEK’S CONTEST:

What should the our next contest be?
That’s right, now’s your big chance! You too can set up a contest that nobody submits to! Isn’t that just great kids!
It’s so great that I bet you might just receive a FREE HAT if you send something to noods02@hotmail.com.

WERE YOU OFFENDED?

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

noods02@hotmail.com
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this
shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. We’ll be back. Watch out frosh... Thank you for your time.
Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have
won a free hat!
Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’
and thank you “Pee-Pee Diddly Mad German Scientist” for your brilliant letter to the editor.

“I just ran out of bullshit.”