Hung Up on Her Sexual History?

3 Steps to Not Be
www.girlschase.com /content/hung-her-sexual-history-3-steps-not-be

Its easy for guys to get hung up on a girlfriends sexual history. Yet you can get over this if you choose to. To do
it, youll use 3 steps.
Whenever we start dating someone new, were bound to soon discover a few facts about who they once dated
and the amount and kind of sex they enjoyed, whether we like it or not. A new girlfriend will often tell us about her
past, or well end up asking about it. Either way, sometimes the truth can hurt. A lot.
Learning that a partner once enjoyed threesomes, had five sex buddies on the go at once, or has slept with fifty
guys... this can be a hard pill to swallow . Some men are able to just forget about it. Some dont care. Others slip
into a whirlpool of self-torment characterized by OCD-like repetitive thoughts and emotions which they find
extremely hard to shift.
You may have heard of this form of anxiety-ridden obsession referred to as retroactive jealousy or
retrospective jealousy. In men this tends to be an anxiety about a girlfriends sexual past. In women it tends to
be an anxiety over who their man was once in love with. There are genetic and biological reasons for this, but in
this post Ill be focusing on the former.
Now, not all men are willing to date (let alone marry) a girl whos been around the block, and this is a perfectly
reasonable position to take. But what if youve bagged yourself a great girl whos wonderful in every respect,
except you are bothered by her promiscuous past? Should you ditch her because she once used to enjoy
hooking up with guys just for sex? Or, in later years, would you regret passing up on the possible love of your life
all because of her past?
These are all points worth considering, because theres nothing stopping you from moving on if you feel you
cant handle a girlfriends past or that you shouldnt have to learn about it in the first place. Many guys hold this
view, and some studies have shown that the more promiscuous a woman is or has been in the past, the more
likely it is shell cheat when she settles down.

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However, if you happen to think shes a great girl in every respect but are obsessing about her number, then it
might be worth trying to regain control of your thoughts and emotions regarding this.
If you want to start overcoming retroactive jealousy rather than be tormented by it, keep reading; in this post Ill
show you the tools necessary to learn how to get over your girlfriends past. The first step is to research and
discover what causes a retroactive jealousy disorder in the first place.

Understand the Root Cause of Sexual Jealousy The Ego

If youre struggling with getting over a girlfriend's past, you may be finding it difficult because every negative
emotion within us, such as jealousy, fear, and judgment, has its roots in something thats been hardwired into us
since the dawn of time the ego.
Our egos were initially designed to protect us from real threats wild animals, extreme weather conditions,
foreign tribe members, basically anything that could kill us by triggering fear responses in the brain.
Today, however, when the ego is faced with an imaginary threat, such as other men from a partners past, it feels
just as threatened, and overreacts. These guys may be long gone, but symbolically they represent to the ego the
notion that your girlfriend is too sexually loose and not to be trusted.
The ego takes threats like this very seriously. So, whenever we feel anxious about a partners past, its kind of
like the ego saying Hang on are you sure you want to be with a girl who might cheat on you?
The ego has a very hard time telling the difference between the past and present, so even though these events
happened a long time ago, they are still perceived as threats. Hence the repetitive OCD-like thoughts, images,
and emotions.
So, what can you do about the ego?
The best way to calm all fears generated by the ego is to learn as much as you can about it. By illuminating
whats going on in your brain, youll begin to see how your ego is not really you. Its just something thats trying
to help, but can sometimes hold you back and keep you in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety.
In much the same way as youve perhaps been too scared to talk to a hot girl in a bar or deliver a speech in front
of hundreds of people, this anxiety about the past is another fear that can be overcome with knowledge and
willpower.

How to Get Over Retroactive Jealousy OCD

Step 1: A Practical Exercise to Help See Your Girlfriends Sexual History from Her
Perspective
Heres a hands-on exercise that will help you learn how to get over your girlfriends past. All it involves is thinking
about one of your own ex-lovers and answering a few questions.
Bring to mind someone from your own past with whom youve had casual sex a one night stand or a hook-up
buddy, for example. If, on the other hand, youre jealous of your girlfriends past romances, recall someone with
whom you were in a serious committed relationship.
Take a moment to remember as much as you can about this person and your relationship with them at the time.
Were they attractive? What was their sense of humor like? What was the sex like? What do you think of them
overall? Once youve done this, answer the following questions:

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a. How often do you think about this ex lover?

i. All the time
ii. Once in a blue moon
iii. I hadnt until you asked me
b. What role does this relationship or sexual encounter play in your life now?
c. Does the fact you once enjoyed casual sex or loved another woman in the past mean youre unable to
commit to someone else in the present?
d. Is this ex lover more important to you than your current girlfriend?
And thats it. Did your answers go something like this:
1. iii or maybe ii
2. It was fun at the time, but it doesnt really play a role in my life now
3. Absolutely not
4. Are you kidding?
Guess what this is probably exactly how your partner feels about her ex boyfriends or random hook-ups in the
past: I may have enjoyed the sex/relationship at the time, but my heads not in the same place anymore.
Now, Im not saying that you have to consider your own sexual history as meaningless. To the contrary maybe
part of the reason why youre so hung up on your girlfriends past is because you dont see your own past as
meaningless.

You probably shouldnt go breaking out your naked ex-girlfriend photo album no matter how nostalgic you feel.

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Your sexual past may have played an important role in your self-development and helped make you the man you
are today. However, youre not that same guy who once slept around or was deeply in love with someone else.
Therefore, this exercise is a great way of showing that your girlfriend is no different from you in this respect.
Even if she once enjoyed casual sex or loved someone else, it doesnt mean shes incapable or unfit of being in
a serious, monogamous relationship with you now, in the present.
Just like how you might have matured and adopted different goals, she is capable of doing the same. You may
have chosen to adjust your sexual habits in order to attain your new goals long term. Your ex lovers, therefore,
even if you had feelings for them, are no longer part of your current relationship goals, and the same probably
goes for her.
Hopefully this little exercise will help you see things more clearly. I suggest repeating it every morning when you
wake up, just to calibrate your mindset for the day. Its a powerful tool to help keep things in perspective and help
you deal with retroactive jealousy.

Step 2: Three Activities to Stop, Starting Yesterday

If youre indulging in any of the following activities, then its best to stop them right away. Cutting out these
behaviors will prove to yourself that youre no longer being ruled by your ego, and that you have taken a huge
step forward in getting over retroactive jealousy.

Quizzing
The first of these activities is constantly quizzing your girlfriend about her past. This is a bad idea.
We think that by asking questions well somehow hear what we want to hear, and the torment will stop. In fact,
the reverse is most often true. The more information we have about a girlfriends past sex life, the worse the
torment can get.
Hearing details about who she once had sex with will only help entrench those thoughts deeper into the mind and
enflame the ego, so avoid at all costs. However, this isnt to say that talking to someone about your retrograde
jealousy is always a bad thing. Id avoid discussing it with your partner, if possible, but if you have a friend or
family member whose opinion you trust, by all means, dont be afraid to talk it out with them.

Snooping
The second activity to cut out is going through her personal belongings, her email account, cell phone, social
media, etc.
When you snoop, youre not only invading her personal space, which is not the stuff a good relationship is made
of, but you may also end up seeing or reading things you wish you hadnt. And once you see an image of your
girlfriend with another man, it can be very hard to forget, especially if the image is romantic or sexual in nature.
Do you really want to risk imprinting something like this in your brain? If the answer is no, then quit snooping
through her things. And quit looking up her ex lovers on social media.

Trawling
The third element that you need to eliminate is trawling the Internet reading online forums about how to get
over retroactive jealousy. This is not doing your recovery process any good whatsoever.
In general, the advice on these threads tends not to rise above the Just get over it variety, but the main problem

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is that they keep your brain focused on retroactive jealousy when it should be focused on the present moment.
Starting today, make a commitment to yourself that youre going to quit all three of these activities for good. Go
cold turkey on em. Or if this is too hard, commit to not doing any of them for a month.
Every time you feel like coming out with a sarcastic comment about your girlfriends sexual history, stop yourself
and just let the moment pass. Whenever you get the urge to snoop through her social media account, ask
yourself if youre prepared to lodge certain messages or photos in your mind, and so on.
Whenever you find yourself overcome by the desire to deviate from your commitment, direct your attention to
something else that excites or interests you.
Put on a good movie
Call a hilarious friend
Go out and play a sport
Play one of your favorite songs and dance like a madman
Do whatever it takes to get your brain off the past and back on the present.

Step 3: Work on Your Self-Confidence

It seems a lack of self-worth and anxiety about the past are intrinsically linked. Id say 90% of men who come to
me for help also suffer from a lack of confidence in one way or another, whether theyre aware of it or not.
This is because its pretty much impossible for a confident man who knows himself and what he wants out of life
to become obsessed by events from his partners past. On the other hand, a man who wonders on some level
why his girlfriend is with him in the first place is prone to fall prey to the kind of negative thoughts and emotions
associated with retroactive jealousy.
In a nutshell, to feel jealous and uneasy about the men your partner once had sex with means youre thinking
those men were better than you in some way.
You probably imagine these guys mustve been something special if they were able to just have sex with your
woman with no strings attached. They must have been da man if they were able to sleep with her only a few
hours after meeting her or just call her up and come over for sex whenever they felt like it. And your girlfriend
wanted nothing in return, just sex, so, in general, the whole experience mustve been amazing.
How are you supposed to compete with that?

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That time she hooked up with Chip from the school rugby team.
Well, no man particularly likes to think about his partner having sex with someone else, but sufferers of
retrograde jealousy tend to elevate these dudes to some kind of mythical level. They also forget the fact that,
when she was seeing these men, she was not their girlfriend.
The truth is, there are a whole bunch of reasons why girls have sex:
They feel lonely
Their self-confidence needs a boost
Theyre intoxicated
They want to experiment and live life to the fullest
And many, many other reasons. In fact, its been scientifically proven that were all biologically programmed to
want sex in order to make ourselves feel better. Sex improves blood pressure, increases immunity, helps
alleviate stress, and improves our sleep.
Therefore, maybe your girlfriend was having sex simply because shes human . When we suffer from a lack of
self-confidence, however, its not so easy to keep these truths in our consciousness.
I suggest that, on the one hand, realize your girlfriend is not holding these guys up on a pedestal they were
probably just average guys who happened to be there when she needed them.
On the other hand, really try upping your self-confidence levels. I read something about Tony Blair the other day:
that he has unshakeable self-confidence and never thinks about the past.
The two concepts really are interlinked. If you were truly confident in yourself, your mind wouldnt keep sliding
back to the past to wonder whether your partner had a better time with those other guys than shes having with
you.

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She probably has absolutely zero interest in those men, and would rather be with you right here and now. You
know this, but your ego is trying to convince you otherwise. The realization that youre the powerful, selfconfident man whom your girlfriend has chosen over every other guy shes ever met, is probably the best
retroactive jealousy cure out there.
The first step, therefore, is to work out if youre lacking self-confidence, and if so, why.
What is it about yourself that you dont like?
What qualities do you feel youre lacking?
Do you worry that your partner may find these qualities in someone else?
Once you know the answers to these questions, its then a case of figuring out what you can do about it.
Maybe you need to tone up your body?
Or be less lazy?
Or learn how to control your temper?
Or earn more money?
Whatever it is about yourself that youre not too crazy about, get to work on improving it, and you should soon
find that the so-called power these ex lovers seem to wield will begin to fade.
Theres a ton of great information about improving self-confidence out there, such as Chases post How to Take
Your Self-Esteem to the Stratosphere... so whats holding you back?

Not Being Hung Up on Sexual History

Dealing with an extreme jealousy disorder like retroactive jealousy is no way to live your life, as you probably
know all too well. It may feel right now that these OCD-like repetitive images of your girl cavorting around with
some guy from the past are impossible to dislodge from your mind, but theyre not.
The present is much more powerful than the past, and you are much more powerful than any guy from the past.
Always remember this and make the decision today to take the steps necessary to stop being jealous of
relationships or casual sex from your girlfriends past. It may take some hard work on your part, but you will get
there.
Onward!

About the Author: Jeff Billings

Jeff Billings is a former sufferer of retroactive jealousy who put the
techniques used to get over it into a website, Retroactive Jealousy Crusher.
He has since created the course Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy 101
and published the book How to Stop Being Jealous of Your Partners Past in
12 Steps. He lives in England but hopes one day to return to Silverlake, Los
Angeles.

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