Contents

1.0 You Control Your own Childs Inner Voice

1.1 Try to increase your awareness
1.2 Plan ahead
1.3 Preload
1.4 Say something nice
1.5 Just walk away
1.6 Talk to your spouse
1.6 You are the right Mom

2.0 The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice
2.1 You cant take it back
2.2 Show an increase of love following discipline
2.3 Bite back the regrettable words
2.4 Label your kids actions, but not them

3.0 Listening to Your Childs Inner Voice

3.1 Your Childs Inner Dialogue Comes from Many Sources
3.2 Facilitating a Healthier Dialogical Self

4.0 How What You Say and How You Say

5.0 The Power That Words Have
5.1 Forty One things to say to your children

6.0 The Way of the Peaceful Parent

6.1 There is no such thing as stress-free parenting.
6.2 The Way

7.0 A few hints

8.0 The Critical Inner Voice Defined
9.References

1.0 YOU CONTROL YOUR CHILDS INNER VOICE

I read a quote today by Peggy OMara, the woman behind many publications including
Mothering Magazine from 1980-2011 and www.mothering.com. It read, The way we talk to our
children becomes their inner voice.
This is what a mom had to say after reading the above phrase.
This got me thinking. I had just finished nagging my 3 year old to pick up the pieces to the
Hungry, Hungry Hippo game before our 13 month old foster baby got a hold of the marbles. I
certainly did not ask him to do it in the most gentle way possible, using words of
encouragement. Yes, of course, this was the third time I had asked him this morning and I had
put it on higher and higher shelves each day this week, in hopes that it would become a
supervised play only type of game. Still, using the tone I did with him and then reading this
quote certainly didnt make me feel like mom of the year.
Feeling defeated and overall terrible, I did what I do best: problem solve. What could I do to
ensure that my kids inner voice sounded nothing like the way I had just spoken to my 3 year
old? Below is what I have come up with.
1.1Try to increase your awareness. Since reading this quote, I cant get it out of my mind.
This is probably a good thing.

1.2 Plan ahead for situations you normally have difficulty keeping calm. As I said earlier, the
hippo game has ended up spread all over the floor each day, like clockwork. Tomorrow, I will try
to explain to my son why it is important that he tells mom that he would like to play with it and
why keeping the small pieces away from younger siblings is important. Believe me, I know that
having a reasonable conversation with a 3 year old is not always easy, but I will try. Replay the
scenarios in your mind that cause your blood to boil and brainstorm how you could react.
1.3 Preload. This is something I learned during some workshops I attended for my son with
autism. It can be taught in a very detailed and extensive way, but the purpose is simple. Prepare
your child for different situations and you will have to spend less time dealing with the aftermath.
Spend 95% of the energy before the event, and only 5% dealing with the fallout. For example,
instead of spending 5% of my energy placing the hungry hippo game on a higher shelf today
and 95% of the energy frantically cleaning up, taking marbles away from screaming babies,
explaining to my 3 year old why he cant play the game right now and stressing everyone out in
the process, I can reverse it. I can spend 95% cleaning it up properly, storing it out of sight,
perhaps in my bedroom closet, explaining why we cant play it all the time and how my son can
ask to play it with me during nap time. This should cause the energy expenditure to decrease
afterwards. We can play during nap time and then spend 5% of time and energy cleaning it up
before the babies get near it and not have my 3 year old devastated about putting it away.
1.4 If you cant say something nice, dont say anything at all. I know youve heard this, but
have you really heard this? It doesnt just apply to kids, but to us parents as well. Yes, we
are conscripted to be parents, and not just friends, but this doesnt mean that everything out
of our mouths has to begin with dont, no or in my case, seriously?. Work on it.
1.5 Just walk away. Sometimes I need a breather. I am raising 5-6 kids at any given time and
they all have a way of pushing buttons. Sometimes I head to the bathroom and hope they
dont notice, or lay on my bed, just for a couple minutes in piece. This usually is during a
time where I could loose my cool, or take a break. *be sure all kids are safe before walking
away. If this means putting a screaming baby into a crib for 5 minutes, do it.
1.6 Talk to your spouse and others around your children about this. After having a brief
conversation with my husband about this, I overheard him whispering to my oldest son be kind
to your brothers. Yes, my son replied with stop whispering dad, but hopefully the messaging
will stick. Raising a child takes a village, make sure your village understands how their words
matter.

1.7 Most importantly remember, that you are the right mom for your kids. No mother is perfect
and you are not expected to be either. We are all a work in progress

2.0 The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice

In the animated comedy Despicable Me, the child version of Gru creates impressive
inventions and projects to try to win his mothers approval. Her reaction is always the same
a grunt. She never acknowledges her sons talents and creations. So Gru constantly aims for

bigger and better. He even delves into criminal activity to try to achieve the unattainable bar
set by his mother.
When one of my friend, X was a gangly adolescent he had an older brother who taunted his
clumsiness. He was a typical teenage boy, probably not very confident, and he belittled X to
build up himself. All these years later, when X stumbled or dropped something, the words,
Clumsy ox, flash across his mind. Now, X knows that hes not a clumsy ox, but for several
years he was teased and labelled that way. His brother and X are friends now, but that
sweet, complimentary phrase still finds its way into the consciousness whenever he takes a
tumble.
Grus mother and older brother of X probably didnt realize the damage they were inflicting
with their words and behaviour. When we belittle, ignore or insult our kids we cant know the
repercussions of our actions. For parents, life gets busy and crazy. Sometimes in our anxiety,
we inadvertently unleash our stress on our kids.
Maybe your son neglected to take out the overflowing garbage can, yet again. Youre tired and
your temper flares. You use harsh words or labels that slip out in your anger that you dont
really mean. Unfortunately, your son internalizes those labels and they become part of who he
thinks he is.

Every morning, it starts over. We get a chance to shape the lives of our children. The way
that we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
Think about when your kids make a poor decision they spill milk on their homework
(when they arent supposed to be eating or drinking near it), they break your favourite
picture frame (when they shouldnt be throwing a ball in the house), they dont clean up
their room, they track mud into the house each thing after youve told them time and

time again what to do. Your first reaction Ugh! I wish that you would have listened to
me this would not have happened!

I get it, because I did this, too.

Last year, Mickey and I started trying something different. We looked at the ACTION, not
our kids. Instead of reacting with anger, we reacted with empathy. I stopped yelling, stop
reprimanding, but instead, just gave the consequence with sincere empathy.
Yes, our words resonate with our children.

Remind your kids that you love them, no matter what theyve done.
THESE FOUR WORDS WILL CHANGE THE WAY THAT YOU PARENT: I LOVE YOU
BUT
You are telling them that you love them even though they have done something that you
arent happy about. That doesnt change how much you love them.
When our kids do something that I disapprove of, I often start with I love you so much,
but your choice today made me really sad or I will discipline them and talk to them
afterwards. I tell our kids, every day, I love you all the time. I love you when I am happy
or sad. I love you when I am excited or angry. I love you when you make good choices
and bad choices. I love you when you are home or away (list list goes on & on).
Our kids do it, too. Just yesterday, our 5 year old said, Mom, Im sorry that I wasnt nice to
you today at lunch. I was mad because I wanted peanut butter and jelly. I love you all the
time, even when Im mad at you.
2.1 You cant take it back.
I was a teacher and one time I had a conference with a student and his family. When I told

his parents about his declining reading score, he looked right at his son and said Do you
even try? and looked back at me and said Sometimes, he can be so dumb. I was
dumbfounded. What on earth is going on here?! I used that opportunity to build up the
child and explain his many, many strengths. The point is that you cant take it back. You

cant take back words like lazy or dumb or thoughtless or mean once they are out
there, they stay out there. Your kids continue to hear these words in their heads.
Instead of You are so lazy. Get up and help me! Try You work so hard. Can you give
me a hand? It will get done so much faster. I can (almost) guarantee that it will work
100% better than going the negative route. Instead of tearing them down, you are building
them up and achieving the same end result: they are helping you.
We shouldnt have to walk on eggshells around our kids. But our words to them really do
impact their psyche. How, then, can we improve the way we communicate with our kids?
2.2 Show an increase of love following discipline.
When we react with hysterics at our kids major mess-ups, were showing them that were
furious with their mistakes. Maybe your daughter shoplifted a shirt. In turn, you harshly scold
her actions. Sure, she deserved your sharp words and the discipline and consequences. But
now, its important to show her that you still love her. You believe in her. As you tell her this,
shell realize that youre willing to trust her again, and though youre not proud of what she did,
shes still your beloved daughter.
2.3 Bite back the regrettable words
It can be easy to shout out insulting words in the heat of the moment. But an immediate, Wait,
I didnt mean to call you that, will soften and defuse the situation. Correcting yourself shows
humility and restraint. It sets a good example to your child when you can admit that youve
made a mistake and been too harsh or gone too far.
2.4 Label your kids actions, but not them
Stashing snacks under the bed to invite insects and other creatures into the bedroom isnt
brilliant. Riding a bike down a hill and jumping into a pond is foolhardy. Accepting a dare to use
a drug is dangerous. All of these actions are stupid, and its ok and necessary to teach your
kids that. However, your child is not stupid.
Its a part of kids make up to take risks and attempt new things. As parents, we can only teach
our kids what behaviour is unacceptable and discipline them as needed. But we need to make
it clear to our child that while the action is stupid, he or she is not.
We should always show our kids that we while we dont like the mistakes they make, we sure
love them. Using care with the way we reprimand them and correcting our harsh language
when it gets too personal takes restraint and humility. If we want our kids inner voices to be
encouraging and loving, our words to them should be the same way.
Years ago, in a class I was taking, the subject of weakness came up. We were asked to stand
in front of another person and hold our dominant arm out to the side of our body, parallel with
the floor.

Holding it firm, the other person would push down on it and see if they could make the arm
drop. We were all able to hold our arms strong against the physical pressure.

3.0 Listening to Your Childs Inner Voice

You walk softly past your childs room at night, lower the light in the hallway, and then you hear
it; a quiet song, a joke from TV, or maybe a soft voice repeating something heard at school that
day. Listen to the tone, and most of the time youll hear a soothing timbre or quiet reasoning,
like the tone of a good friend or supporter. Your childs personal narrative, his or her self talk,
serves several crucial purposes in maintaining his or her emotional and psychological health.
Let me repeat that, because it is so important a healthy internal tone is the basis for
psychological and emotional wholeness and well-being.
Self talk is the voice of social problem solving, helping to work through an emotional exchange
or relationship conflict. It serves as a criticizer, a supporter, or a worrier when its role is to

interpret something that has happened in the past or to plan a way of coping with the future.
Since we are all destined to have this internal companion whispering in our ears for our entire
lives, or what psychologists sometimes call the dialogical self, the importance of helping our
children develop healthy inner voices is apparent and clear.

I remember once when I had to go to the emergency room when I was a kid because my leg
got a bad cut from a piece of bamboo we were playing with. There was a nurse that stood
next to me the whole time I was getting stitches, telling me Im going to get through this and
about all the things Ill be doing a month from now. It wasnt the exact things she said to me, it
was the way she said it. For years, I used to think of her voice when I had to get through
something painful. I dont even have any idea who she was besides an emergency room
nurse.
One of the misconceptions about self-talk is that we must always keep it positive and optimistic
in order to be healthy. Research on self-talk has revolved mostly around sports performance,
depression management, and stress reduction, and in these realms positive self-talk has a
direct effect on improved performance and mood. Imagining a positive outcome to a game
can enhance personal performance. But researchers also point out that realistic thinking
allows us to cope better in emergency situations, or when challenging problems must be
addressed straightforwardly. Meeting situations of difficulty that your child is facing with
simplistic, positive messages can feel contrived and out of place.

3.1 Your Childs Inner Dialogue Comes from Many Sources

The parental voice is the deep current that runs beneath a great deal of your childs inner
monologue, but other sources become more relevant to the child as he or she faces problems
outside of the home and family unit. The tone of a coach or the voice of a book character can
have a strong impact on a childs dialogical identity. Looking at trends in childrens literature,

we see that children, and particularly pre-teens, tend to choose a realistic, genuine storyteller
rather than a simple optimistic one. Barbara Brooks Wallaces Diary of a Little Devil (Pangea)
is a good example of a story that balances its narrators voice between positive and negative
poles, encouraging late child and early teen readers to follow her main character, Andy
Lillibeth, through her own challenges and observations. Wallace, a multiple award winning
author, honed her skills through writing after school specials as well as several novels.
Children and younger teens relate to the tone of her characters because they resonate with
and can echo the voices they hear in her stories. Understanding the development of a childs
inner voice requires a sensitivity and understanding of the problems they face in their daily
lives.
3.2 Facilitating a Healthier Dialogical Self

An overly negative or hostile inner voice can have an insidious and corrosive effect on identity
development from childhood to adulthood. The impact of your child repeating a bullys
accusations or the punitive tone of an angry adult can make him or her at risk for lowered self
esteem, poorer performance in activities, and even depression or anxiety conditions.
Facilitating healthier self-talk involves not only modelling the inner tone youd like your child or
adolescent to adopt, but also exposing your child to other voices that reflect healthier ways of
problem solving, moral reasoning, and evaluating their own behaviours and choices. Consider
the following activities help facilitate healthier self-talk in your child:
3.2.1 Start your child or teen out on a facilitated journal or diary. These journals start each
page with a prompt, idea, or picture to get things started.
3.2.2 Challenge your child to draw a comic strip based on one of their own personal
experiences, inventing a comic character that reflects his or her own viewpoint.

3.2.3 Name a character on a TV show or in a movie and ask what that character might be
thinking in a certain situation. What does your child think that character would say right now?
3.2.4 Remember that you will have a greater impact on your childs way of relating to him or
herself if you avoid pushing an extreme viewpoint on a particular topic you are trying to
influence your child on. Save the strong moral lesson for a different time or discussion, and
dont be overly reactive when your child starts testing you by throwing out an opinion he or she
knows that you dont agree with.

3.2.5 Take stock of your own inner voice; are you a worrier, or overly defensive and critical
about your own mistakes? Your child is relationally programmed to be sensitive to your tone,
and will adopt some of this in his or her own voice.
Taking some time to listen openly to your childs self-talk and to think about how that inner
voice will influence your child over the next ten to twenty years helps you understand a
parents priority in this important area of development. Positive, but realistic, curious and
action-promoting; qualities like these can assist your child in developing a true inner helper.
4.0 How What You Say and How You Say It May Affect Your Childs Temperament
The results of a recent experimental study published in the March 2016 issue
of Developmental Psychology found that not only what we say but how we say it may affect
the development of emotional traits of a child starting at a very young age. We once thought
that how a person was wired (temperament) was genetically determined but this study
indicates that environment plays a big role as well.
The experiment consisted of a researcher teaching children (15 months of age) how to play
with toys while the child sat on their parents lap. Another researcher sat nearby (the Emoter)
and would either demonstrate with either anger (Thats aggravating in a stern voice) or
neutral affect (Thats interesting) while the infants watched the demonstration. Later they let
the children play with the toys. The babies who heard an angry reaction were less likely to
play with the toys than those who heard the neutral reaction.
So what does this mean for parents? First it shows that what we say and how we say it effects
not only a childs behavior at the moment but how they react to future situations that are
similar. From what we know about brain development, it is quite possible that continued
exposure to this type of stimuli, especially if it occurs in different types of circumstances will
gradually generalize to a more permanent reaction style to new and novel things they
encounter. When a pattern of response is generalized like this it most likely indicates that the
childs brain has now been wired so that the child becomes more hesitant and fearful of
various things they are exposed to in their environment.
Parents can use this information in a positive way. By using a positive tone and positive
statements while a baby or young child observes and experiences various situations we help
them to react positively. One major fear children often have is a fear of the dark. When my
children were babies, I would carry them through a dark room singing about how cool it was to

be in the dark. Neither had a fear of the dark. Now, I would use a stern voice and say not
safe if I saw them doing something that could be harmful and if needed remove them.
I encourage you to become aware of what you say and how you say it so you will be better at
encouraging your child to explore and interact with their environment especially to new things
so they feel safe to explore and interact. When you see them doing things that are appropriate
you can positive and motivating statements in a tone that it is encouraging as well. Use this to
encourage children to try new things and to learn new skills.

Parent/child communication is key to carrying out the basic tasks of a parent which include
forming a close bond, understanding your childs point of view, providing appropriate limits and
guidance and teaching them skills, knowledge and values. Start being aware (mindful) of how
you communicate with your child and how it effects them. Modify your communication style
based on what you learn and begin to filter and actually formulate what you say and how to
say it before you start. These modifications will rewire your parenting style and you will find
that you will begin to respond to your child spontaneously in a very positive and effective style.

5.0 The Power That Words Have: Strengthening Your Child's Inner Voice

There is no greater pain than feeling you are not enough.

Your child is enough, right now, just the way he is. And so are you."
~ Vimala McClure, The Tao of Motherhood

What if we were truly mindful of the words we say

to ourselves and others?
Years ago, in a class I was taking, the subject of weakness came up. We were asked to stand
in front of another person and hold our dominant arm out to the side of our body, parallel with
the floor.
Holding it firm, the other person would push down on it and see if they could make the arm
drop. We were all able to hold our arms strong against the physical pressure.
Then we were asked to think about what makes us feel weak.
In recent years we have become familiar with the new view on the childhood rhyme "sticks and
stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". We know that words can hurt.
Words sting. Words have power. Words even kill. But what many don't acknowledge or realize
is that it's the words we say to ourselves, that hold the most power.
Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
Words themselves do not hold power. But when we believe those words, when we repeat them
over and over, when we pass them on to others, words can have a devastating effect.

We must first silence our own inner critic

before we can teach our children to do the same.

"I am too old"

"I am too fat"
"I am not smart enough"
"I don't have enough qualifications"
"I am too poor"
"I am unloveable"
"I am not enough as I am"
Holding that negative belief in our heads, or saying it out loud if we felt comfortable, our
partner once again pushed down on our dominant arm. This time, no matter how hard we
resisted, our arm quickly fell to our side. The simple act of holding a negative belief about
ourselves made us physically weak.

The second part of that classroom lesson involved standing again in front of our class partner
while holding that same arm out. This time we were asked to think of what we thought of
ourselves deep inside, to concentrate on the words we used to describe ourselves that made
us the most ashamed, the phrase we said over and over to ourselves that kept us from
achieving the things we most wanted in our lives .
Restating that belief in its opposite, "I am the right age", "I am the right weight", "I have the
perfect qualifications", "I am smart enough", "I have enough money", " I am loved" or just
simply, "I am enough", our arms once again were unable to be pushed down. No exercise, no
lengthy training, no therapy, just a change in how we spoke to ourselves about ourselves,
made all the difference.
That little voice that says we are not enough has immense power. It can keep you from loving
and from being loved. It can stop you from pursuing your dreams. Perhaps even worse, it may
stop you from even daring to have a dream to follow. I would guess that many people who
carry hatred in their hearts for others hold the belief "I am not enough" deep down in their
hearts.
Sit with that statement, "I am not enough", and notice what it feels like inside to believe
that. Imagine that feeling being a part of your every day experience.

Where do we pick up this sort of thinking? No child is born feeling anything but fully worthy of
love and affection. But there are very few adults who don't have insecurities that make up a
tender achilles heel. When I became a mother one of the lessons I learned early on is this
Peggy O'Mara quote, "the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Tell your
daughter that she is a brat or a bully, and that's how she comes to see herself. Tell your son
that he is lazy or stupid and those are the words he will tell himself when he is struggling.
But it goes further than this. Even if you would never think of using words like "stupid" with
your kids, pay close attention to your dialogue throughout the day. Overwhelmed and
frustrated parents often say things like, "you are always so mean to your brother!", "you're so
slow, why can't we ever get out of the house on time?" or "what is wrong with you? Why do I
have to tell you this over and over again?".

You are enough. And so it was...

When your child is faced with adversity or is in a situation where she doesn't have you around
to remind her to do what is right, what you want is for her to have an inner voice that says to
her, "I can do this, I always figure things out!", "I'm not going to hang out with that group, they
don't make good decisions", "I'm disappointed that girl doesn't want to be my friend. But I'm
pretty awesome and will make a new friend".
Our children's inner voices start with the words we say to them. What we say repeatedly to our
children makes a difference. It shapes who they become, how they see themselves and what
they believe is possible for themselves to achieve.
If the words "I am not enough" can instantly weaken your physical body, imagine what a
lifetime of holding a positive self image can do for your child.
"Sometimes, we throw small bits of grace and compassion out into the world and they float
away like helium balloons so far that we dont know what becomes of them...But sometimes,
someone hangs on. We dont know to which moments. We dont know to which kindnesses.
Its simply our job to keep making more balloons." ~ Beth Woolsey

5.1 Forty One things to say to your children that can strengthen their inner voice (plus 3
bonus questions to ask):
1. You are everything you are supposed to be.
2. I love you exactly the way you are.
3. You were made for me.
4. I am so lucky to have a child like you.
5. There is nothing you could do that would make me not love you.

6. My heart is so full of love whenever I see you.

7. I believe in you.
8. You can do it.
9. I know you'll make a good choice.
10. You are such a kind friend.
11. I love being with you.
12. When you hug me I feel wonderful.
13. You always know how to make me feel better.
14. Your laugh makes me so happy.
15. I love spending time with you.
16. I love the way you think about things.
17. I learn so much from you.
18. You're so much fun.
19. You really know how to focus yourself.
20. You know how to make good decisions.
21. I know you'll figure it out.
22. I want to hear your ideas.
23. Your curiosity is so inspiring!
24. I love to watch you ________.
25. I will love you no matter what.
26. You really know how to be a good teammate.
27. You really listen to your body and know when you are hungry/full.
28. I noticed how gentle you were with your baby brother.
29. You do things that I never even tried when I was your age!
30. You really noticed every detail. You are so observant!

31. I noticed that you were scared, but then you _____ anyway. That was really brave.
32. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom/dad.
33. My favourite part of the day was when you and I _______.
34. I noticed how easily you shared with your friend today. You really know how to make other
people feel good.

35. When you were only ____ years old you weren't able to do that, but now that you're _____, I
notice how easily you can ______!
36. I want to spend more time with you.
37. You are more important to me than my work/phone/email.
38. Wow! You did all of that without me having to ask? You really know how to do so much on your
own!
39. I never thought of it that way. I changed my mind about things because of the way you made
your point.
40. It must have been hard for you when _____. I was so proud of you for sharing your
feelings/standing up for yourself/speaking up for your friend.
41. I noticed what a difference you made by doing that.
42. {bonus questions} Teach your children that when they are tempted to say something to
someone else, to ask themselves first: "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?". If you can't
answer yes to all three, keep it to yourself or reframe it.
It is not always easy to keep this positive frame of mind, especially if you struggle with your
own negative inner voice. But I have always found it easier to compliment others than to
compliment myself. So I began there. Changing a bad habit requires being mindful of the fact
that you have the habit to begin with. Take the time to notice the way you speak to yourself
and your children. Make a pledge to improve it even if it feels awkward at first. I hope this list is
a start!

6.0 The Way of the Peaceful Parent

and she loved a boy very, very much even more than she loved herself. ~Shel
Silverstein, The Giving Tree
6 .1 The r e is no s uc h thi ng as str e ss -fr ee pa re nti ng.
A reader requested that I share my thoughts on stress-free parenting, as the father of six kids.
And while I have learned a lot about being a dad, and finding joy in parenthood, I also know
that stress-free parenting is a myth.
Parents will always have stress: we not only have to deal with tantrums and scraped knees
and refusing to eat anything you cook, but we worry about potential accidents, whether we are
ruining our kids, whether our children will find happiness as adults and be able to provide for
themselves and find love.
That said, Ive learned that we can find peace.

Peace isnt a place with no stress, but a place where you take the stress as it comes, in stride,
and dont let it rule you. You let it flow through you, and then smile, and breathe, and give your
child a hug.
There is a Way of the Peaceful Parent, but it isnt one that Ive learned completely. Ill share
what Ive learned so far, with the caveat that I dont always follow the Way, that I still make

mistakes daily, that I still have a lot to learn, that I dont claim to have all the answers as a
parent.
6.2 The Way
The Way is only learned by walking it. Here are the steps I recommend:
* Greet your child each morning with a smile, a hug, a loving Good Morning! This is how we
would all like to be greeted each day.
* Teach your child to make her own breakfast. This starts for most children at around the age
of 3 or 4. Teach them progressively to brush their teeth, bathe themselves, clean up their
rooms, put away clothes, wash their dishes, make lunch, wash their own clothes, sweep and
clean, etc.
* Teaching these skills takes patience. Kids suck at them at first, so you have to show them
about a hundred times, but let them try it, correct them, and let them make mistakes. They will
gradually learn independence as you will gradually have less work to do caring for them.
* Older children can help younger children its good for them to learn responsibility, it helps
the younger children learn from the older ones, and it takes some of the stress off you.

* Read to them often. Its a wonderful way to bond, to educate, to explore imaginary worlds.
* Build forts with them. Play hide and seek. Shoot each other with Nerf dart guns. Have tea
together. Squeeze lemons and make lemonade. Play, often, as play is the essence of
childhood. Dont try to force them to stop playing.
* When your child asks for your attention, grant it.
* Parents need alone time, though. Set certain traditions so that youll have time to work on
your own, or have mommy and daddy time in the evening, when your child can do things on
her own.
* When your child is upset, put yourself in his shoes. Dont just judge the behaviour (yes,
crying and screaming isnt ideal), but the needs behind the behaviour. Does he need a hug, or
attention, or maybe hes just tired?
* Model the behaviour you want your child to learn. Dont yell at the child because he was
screaming. Dont get angry at a child for losing his temper. Dont get mad at a kid who wants to
play video games all the time if youre always on your laptop. Be calm, smile, be kind, go
outdoors and be active.
* When a stressful time arises (and it will), learn to deal with it with a smile. Make a joke, turn it
into a game, laugh youll teach your child not to take things so seriously, and that life is to
be enjoyed. Breathe, walk away if youve lost your temper, and come back when you can
smile.

* Remember that your child is a gift. She wont be a child for long, and so your time with her is
fleeting. Every moment you can spend with her is a miracle, and you should savour it. Enjoy it
to the fullest, and be grateful for that moment.
* Let your child share your interests. Bake cookies together. Sew together. Exercise together.
Read together. Work on a website together. Write a blog together.
* Know that when you screw up as a parent, everything will be fine. Forgive yourself.
Apologize. Learn from that screw up. In other words, model the behaviour youd like your child
to learn whenever he screws up.
* Patiently teach your child the boundaries of behaviour. There should be boundaries whats
acceptable and whats not. Its not OK to do things that might harm yourself or others.
* We should treat each other with kindness and respect. Those arent things the child learns
immediately, so have patience, but set the boundaries. Within those boundaries, allow lots of
freedom.
* Give your child some space. Parents too often overschedule their childs life, with classes
and sports and play dates and music and clubs and the like, but its a constant source of stress
for both child and parent to keep this schedule going. Let the child go outside and play. Free
time is necessary. You dont always have to be by her side either she needs alone time just
as much as you do.
* Exercise to cope with stress. A run in solitude is a lovely thing. Get a massage now and then.
* It helps tremendously to be a parenting team one parent can take over when the other
gets stressed. When one parent starts to lose his temper, the other should be a calming force.
* Mom and dad need a date night every week or so. Get a babysitter, or better yet, teach the
older kids to babysit.
* Sing and dance together.
* Take every opportunity to teach kindness and love. Its the best lesson.
* Kiss your child goodnight. And give thanks for another amazing day with your beautiful,
unique, crazy child.

7.0 A few hints

Let kids know you need them.
When you need your child to help out, tell them you need them and appreciate their help.
Feeling needed is a wonderful gift; share that with your child. Let them feel how important they
are to you.

Ask instead of instructing.

Instead of instructing your children to do their homework, ask if they want to create a plan for
their assignments.
Suggest rather than tell them how helpful you find it when you do things ahead of time, or
reflect on your struggle with getting things done.
Then ask them if they feel good when they do things ahead of schedule. Have a discussion
about feelings when things are completed in a satisfying way.
Have conversations instead of making demands.
When you feel overwhelmed with chores and want to share housework with your kids, open up
about your wishes and seek their opinions about how to get things done together. Remember:
conversations are about turn-taking, so listen carefully and comment on their ideas rather than
just waiting to state your agenda.
If your children are part of the plan, they will want to carry it out. Plus, theyll feel you respect
them, and will, therefore, respect themselves.
Express sincere thanks.
When kids feel included in discussions and that they are genuinely listened to, much more
gets accomplished. Your kids will know their input matters, and that they deserve the same
thank-you we want to hear from them. It feels great when someone is grateful. Adults need to
share how grateful they are for what their kids do
When were with adults, we tend to be diplomatic and polite. We respect anothers space,
standing at a reasonable distance. We pause while someone interjects a comment. We
converse in a way that sounds sincere and considerate. Yet somehow, in the rush of our
everyday lives with our kids, we often forget to do the same.
Children seek their parents approval. If they feel you approve of them, they will approve of
themselves. Out of frustration, parents may yell at their kids from time to time. But after all is
said and done, it is important that a parent goes back and restates what came out too
insensitively.
Little kids tend to have harsh inner voices; they tell themselves they are bad pretty easily. As
kids get older, they begin to modify their self-criticism, accepting that they can both do things
incorrectly and remedy situations.
But the bottom line is this: what they think of themselves is significantly influenced by how they
think their parents view them. Your voice, whether gentle and kind, empathic and warm, or
strident and harsh, becomes a big part of their inner voice. They treat themselves the way they
have been treated.
How do you want your loved ones to speak to you? The answer to that question should be a
guide to how your children need to be spoken to.

Questions to Ask Yourself About How You Talk to Your Kids

Do you find yourself raising your voice when youre feeling tired and rushed?

Do you forget to say please and thank you when you ask your child to do something?

Do you instruct and lecture instead of asking and suggesting?

Do you rush in with advice instead of taking turns in conversation?

Children Respect Themselves When We Respect Them

Children need to feel respected by the adults in their world, especially their parents, whom
they love and need to feel loved by. Only then can they feel loveable, which is the basis of high
self-esteem and self-respect.

8.0 The Critical Inner Voice Defined

The following interview with Dr. Lisa Firestone was conducted by BestofYouToday.com.
BOYT: What motivated you to write Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice with your father, Dr.
Robert W. Firestone, and Joyce Catlett?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: After years of therapy practice, we could see how much our patients
gained from a deeper understanding of their critical inner voice, and we wanted to make it
available to the general public.
The goal is to help individuals gain an awareness of the critical inner voice that causes us to
fall short of our capabilities and prevents us from living the life we want to live. Conquer Your
Critical Inner Voice offers a means by which readers can free themselves from the harmful
effects of this destructive inner process. We developed Conquer while simultaneously
conceptualizing the founding principles behind Psychalive.org, sister website to The Glendon
Association. Psych Alive is a multi-media website introducing psychological principles for
everyday life and encouraging people of all ages to take an active, introspective approach to
their lives.
BOYT: Where do our critical inner voices come from? Why do they seem so powerful?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: Our critical inner voices are embedded in our earliest childhood
experiences and are reinforced throughout childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood. While
the negative inner voice can be affected and sometimes worsened by current day life
experiences such as significant trauma or abusive relationships, it does not develop suddenly
in adults; its based on implicit memories of trauma experienced in childhood. This isnt
necessarily Big T Trauma such as sexual or physical abuse, but everyday trauma that kids
experience growing up.
Children are extremely perceptive and aware of their parents feelings toward them, as well as
their parents feelings toward themselves. Most core negative beliefs get passed from one
generation to the next, simply because parents unknowingly pass on the negative beliefs they

have toward themselves onto their children. As adults, we must fully experience and
understand the pain of our own childhood in order to prevent passing this pain on to our
children.

The negative inner voice we experience as an adult is a direct result of the defences we
developed as children in order to cope with stressful or painful events. As children, these
defences provide protection against the emotional pain we experienced in our families, but as
adults these defence will actually limit us, and prevent us from developing to our true potential.
BOYT: Does our critical inner voice serve a good purpose?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: No. A lot of people might mistake their critical inner voice with their
conscience. The critical inner voice is not a conscience or a moral guide. Even though the
voice may sometimes seem to be related to our values and ideals, its statements against us
have a degrading and punishing tone that promotes self-hatred. Challenging the internal critic
can be extremely difficult for this reason. The voice acts as a filter, making negative
interpretations of present day events based in negative experiences that occurred in the past.
For example, if a hunting lion pounces at zebra but misses, the lion doesnt mope around
thinking about what an awful lion he is; he moves to another water hole because he still has to
eat to survive. If the lion were to listen to his critical inner voice he would never get any food
and would eventually die. Its the same with humans; even if a criticism is true about you, it is
never appropriate to be nasty or degrading toward yourself. If theres something you dont like
about yourself, it should interest you and motivate you to change it. Becoming familiar with
every aspect of the critical inner voice will help you align your actions with your goals in life.
BOYT: How do you tell the difference between a critical inner voice and a truthful voice that
says something you really should face up to?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: Constructive, positive feelings toward oneself will include attitudes of
curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love. Its always good to be open and honest with
ourselves, but we want to stay away from negative, nasty inner thoughts that are maladaptive.
The critical inner voice can seem seductively positive at times and can often be selfsabotaging. This self-protective inner voice warning you to take caution (Dont let anyone get
too close to you, or youre going to get hurt again), only prevents you from achieving what you
truly want in life, such as a meaningful relationship. The real you is the undefended part of
your personality, the unique qualities we possess such as physical attributes or ability,
temperament, certain dispositions, and a natural identification with the positive traits our
caregivers possessed. We are much more adaptive as individuals if we can separate
ourselves from these critical inner voices and become who we truly are.
BOYT: You have said many of us are plagued with this inner voice to the point that our entire
lives are influences by it and we may not even recognize this. Can you give us some examples
of how this negative inner voice can influence a persons life?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: Its important to remember that the critical inner voice is the language of
the defended, negative side of your personality, the side that is opposed to your ongoing
personal development. Feelings of self-doubt or feelings of inadequacy can prevent a person
from pursuing the career they really want or performing at their highest potential. An individual
may also sabotage themselves with self-destructive behaviours like addiction.
Your critical inner voice can be subconsciously causing you to do the very things youre trying
to overcome. This negative inner voice can interfere with work and relationships, and can even
lead to depression and anxiety disorders. In the most severe cases, the critical inner voice can
drive an individual to commit violent behaviour or suicide. These destructive thoughts and
attitudes can become so intense they begin to take precedence over our realistic or more
positive ways of thinking.

BOYT: In your book you discuss how to go about rising above your critical inner voice. Please
give us an overview of the process.

Dr. Lisa Firestone: All of us are divided within ourselves and have a basic conflict in relation
to our goals and aspirations in life. While most people are conscious of some aspects of their
inner voice, many negative thoughts exist on an unconscious level. The first step is to identify
your critical inner voice and then, to differentiate yourself from that negative inner voice. A
journal can be an effective tool in identifying and challenging your critical inner voice. Write
down how you feel throughout the day and the circumstances that caused you to feel this way.
The next step is to separate yourself from your critical inner voice. Understand where it comes
from and allow yourself to be aware of its causes. Once we understand where these voices
come from, we can identify what they are preventing us from achieving. The next step is to
make a plan of action. Challenging the critical inner voice is going to be uncomfortable and its
going to bring up a lot of anxiety at first. The voice will get louder as you begin to fight against
it, almost like a parent yelling at their child to get back in line, but its important to remember to
put distance between the negative thoughts and the corresponding bad behaviour. The critical
inner voice is like an internal monster that grows stronger each time you feed into it. By
distancing yourself from the voice, you can begin to starve the monster, and the anxiety will
eventually decrease.
BOYT: When someone has identified their destructive inner voice, is it usually easy to figure
out where and why that voice exists? Is the answer not always the one that a person feels it
obvious?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: An individuals destructive inner voice most commonly originates in early
childhood. As infants, in the process of bonding with our parents, we absorb and take in their
attitudes toward us. These internalized antagonistic attitudes form the basis of the critical inner
voice. One can identify the origin of the voice by recounting and understanding the trauma of
ones childhood. When parents have unresolved feelings from either trauma or loss in their
past, these feelings will impact their reactions to their children.
A lot of times children embody unresolved issues from their parents past into their own current
day lives without even recognizing it. We can stop this cycle by addressing unresolved issues
in our own past and allowing ourselves not only to fully feel the pain of childhood trauma, but
also understand it.
BOYT: Is it hard to get rid of our critical inner voice? If so why is that? Is it possible to get rid of
it entirely?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: Its extremely difficult to break free of, but we can control it, recognize it for
what it is, and prevent it from spiralling out of control. Does this mean youll never have
another self-critical thought again? Of course not, but we can do our best by first recognizing
the critical inner voice and separating it from our own.
BOYT: For the parents among our readers, can we raise our children in a way that will protect
them from their critical inner voice?
Dr. Lisa Firestone: Children learn to parent themselves at a young age as a means of
survival, treating themselves in much the same way they are treated by their parentsboth
soothing and punishing themselves. By engaging in behaviour that makes children
independent, you will allow them to differentiate themselves as individuals rather than
extensions of you.
As parents, we should always be aware of our own preconceived ideas for our children. Are
we really interested in getting to know who they are as individuals? Repair mistakes you make
with your child, because even perfect parents dont get it right all the time. Addressing a

mistake you made with your child will allow them to be more accepting of their own mistakes,
and will help to prevent unresolved trauma from carrying into adulthood.
The next time you notice yourself struggling with your child, identify the circumstances that are
making you so upset. The most important thing to remember is that you cant do for your child

what you think you needed as a child. Your children are not you; they are their own unique
beings that need constant love, care, and attunement. Children depend on the love and
support of a social structure and will always adapt to their situation in self-protective ways.
Letting your children talk to you about their critical inner voice will allow you as a parent to

identify the mind behind your childs behaviour. By talking to your kids about their own critical
inner voice, you can help them recognize when they are attacking themselves and prevent
those ideas from affecting them in the future.

THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A MOMENT. THE WAY WE TALK TO OUR CHILDREN BECOMES
THEIR INNER VOICE. WHAT KIND OF INNER VOICE WILL YOU GIVE TO YOUR
CHILDREN?
Be a voice of strength, resilience, self-worth and love. Let them know that they are unique and
that fact alone makes them wonderful and precious. Be a voice that tells them they can do
anything, go anywhere, be amazing. Be a voice that tells them they are special and that thy

have something wonderful to offer the world. Be a voice that tells them they are safe and they
are loved.

9.References
Catherine, a mom-erce promotion whiz

Megan Gladwell, a freelance writer

David Paltin, PhD | on March 19, 2012 | in Family Building, Parenting

Robert Myers, PhD | on June 27, 2016 | in Child Development, Dads Corner,
Moms Corner, Parenting

http://www.thetwincoach.com/2013/12/the-power-that-words-havestrengthening.html

eo Babauta, syndicated from zenhabits.net, Jul 24, 2012

Interview with Dr. Lisa Firestone conducted by BestofYouToday.com