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The consulting relationship

Mark Loftus, Managing Director

Without truly effective relationship management skills, any consulting intervention that seeks to bring
about change is destined to fail. Effective relationship management is about more than having good
interpersonal skills, being easy to get on with, or a having a high EQ. It means having an
understanding of the dynamics of relationships and the skills required to move a relationship from the
early stage of first meetings into something that becomes an enduring source of value for both the
client and the consultant.
The consulting relationship plays such an important role because it is both the primary means of
engaging with the client system and the primary means of delivering the intervention. Without strong
and effective relationships, the most incisive and well thought through of consulting interventions will
flounder. Yet the consulting relationship is one of the most difficult kinds of relationship to get right:

who is the client? is it the company that is paying the bill, the person commissioning the work, or
the person who will benefit from the work, or all three?
what if there are conflicts of interest between these client groups?
what needs to be kept confidential and what can be used to nudge the system forwards?
how is power and authority negotiated? what if the decision-maker wants to go ahead with us but
the gate-keeper wants a different partner?
how to manage the tension between selling and consulting; how to avoid engendering suspicion
about whether we are cross-selling or consulting?

My aim in this paper is to offer a guide to understanding and managing the dynamics of the consulting
relationship, to give a framework for the reader to think about their relationship management skills,
and to offer some practical pointers about the realities of relationships.

The RelationshipQ model

We use a framework developed in-house which we call RelationshipQ, developed from an extensive
research programme into the nature of workplace relationships. Our aim was to discover what makes
relationships effective and what can be done to facilitate the rapid development of productive
relationships. Over a 5 year period we studied (through qualitative and quantitative analyses)
thousands of workplace relationships across many of our client organisations.
We reached a number of conclusions:
First, relationships by their very nature change: they develop, grow, improve or get worse, but rarely
stay the same for long. The implication of this is that those who are interested in helping create
change for individuals and organisations can look to relationships as one of the places to find change.
Second, the relationships that people value the most, that they see as most effective, are
characterised by high levels of trust combined with high levels of energy and challenge. Put simply,
people value high trust, high energy relationships in the workplace.
Third, there is a clear pattern of development within relationships, some natural stages of evolution, or
a life-cycle, as relationships move towards the goal of high trust, high energy relationships.

These stages are not rigid, but they provide a useful framework to give insight into what might be
going on in a relationship at a particular time. The stages we describe are:

Establishing the relationship

Handling difference and difficulties
Commitment and renewal

Fourth, in addition to these stages, there are some core capabilities essential to managing
relationships, and that particular capabilities become more important at different stages within the
life-cycle of a relationship.

The core of the RelationshipQ model suggests that it is useful to think of a relationship space within
which relationships move dynamically over time. The first dimension of this space tracks how
transactional or emotionally based is the relationship. The second is that of trust whether it is
reinforced or challenged. We can envisage the development as following a figure of eight pattern
within this space.

Phase 1: establishing the relationship

Typically, new relationships begin in the top right-hand quadrant. In our early interactions with our
client the primary focus of the relationship will be about the task at hand, and there is often a degree
of provisional trust as a basis for building rapport in the relationship. Essentially we are trying to do
two things over our early interactions. First, to tune into the agenda of our immediate client: what are
they looking for? what does this piece of work need to achieve? what would count as personal
success for them in this piece of work? what kind of pressures and risks are they carrying? Second, to
establish an explicit transactional agreement that will form the basis for the work (to include both
the commercial basis and the intended outcomes for the wider client system).
We also describe this phase as attraction and interaction because our evidence is that both of these
dynamics need to work effectively in order for the relationship to begin to work. If we move straight
to interaction without taking the time to tune in to our client, or without allowing our client to find out
about us, we run the risk of shaping up interventions that will not meet their underlying needs and
undermining the likelihood that a deeper level of trust can emerge within the relationship.
Time taken early on in the relationship to build a really clear understanding of the clients world and
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their expectations is rarely time wasted, even though you and your client may be facing significant
pressures to swing into action as soon as possible. Again, strengthening this early trust through
tuning in to our primary client will often mean that they trust us to engage further with the wider
client system, identifying other coaches within the system who can guide us through the multiple
agendas and positions we are likely to encounter.
On the other hand, if all we do is tune-in to our client and we are not sufficiently assertive about the
transactional basis of the relationship, we run the risk of failing to get our needs met within the
relationship, or of setting ourselves up to deliver against unrealistically high expectations. The old
adage of over-deliver against lower-expectations is only possible if we have the skills and awareness
to manage expectations effectively.
If we turn to the skills needed to manage this phase effectively we see two clusters:
Tuning in
Do you

Build rapport

Ask open, inquiring questions to get to the heart of how the other person sees the world?

Create 2-way conversations?

Adapt your natural style and behaviour to fit with their style?

Demonstrate understanding of their world from their point of view?

Understand the underlying motives, concerns and feelings that shape their behaviour and
opinions?
Establishing expectations
Do you

State explicitly what is being offered and what is not in any negotiation or transaction?

Define clear criteria by which to assess whether expectations have been met?

Act in an appropriately assertive way about getting your own needs met?

Pace investments in the relationship: do not give too much too soon?
Our evidence is that the strongest relationship are formed when there is reciprocated incremental
commitment. What this term means is that the relationship strengthens over time, step by step. An
early pattern is established of expectations clarified, commitments made and commitments met.
Initially this will happen at a mundane level, such as arranging mutually convenient meeting times
and place, but the importance of generating reciprocal commitment is clear: too often we can
become caught in a pattern of making commitments that our client does not match, creating an
early imbalance in the relationship and ultimately leading to the frustration of feeling like a servant
rather than offering a service as a partner.
In some situations the relationship may start in the top left quadrant, where there is suspicion or
even distrust. These can be highly challenging yet ultimately highly rewarding relationships. Cognitive
flexibility is our most important resource here. Our ability to sustain perspective and the awareness
that coolness and suspicion on behalf of our client relates to our role (and probably their previous
experience of people in similar roles) rather than to us personally. Taking the time to tune-in becomes
critical, as does the pacing of commitments: what is clear is that these relationships require significant
investment of energy and initially will move only slowly, if at all.
More commonly we find that different elements within our client system start their relationships from
different positions. For example, procurement departments often appear to want to focus solely on
the transactional basis of the relationship (such as defining access to intellectual property, cancellation
and payment terms, etc.). It can prove challenging to sustain the awareness that these interactions
are telling us important things about our clients system and how it approaches the world!

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Phase 2: handling differences and difficulties

As the relationship progresses the sense of emotional connection within it develops, although the level
of trust tends not to develop in a linear fashion. Think of the relationship as having arrived at a stage
of mutual dependency: we feel emotionally engaged but not necessarily comfortable with the sense
of exposure and dependency. Yet if this sense of mutual dependency does not enter into the
relationship there is a good chance that we are not working on the right agenda bringing about
change in complex systems generally requires a level of instability being introduced into the system
and it is this sense of instability that is reflected in the heightened emotional intensity of the client
relationship.
Despite our best efforts and most professional of actions, sooner or later we will let our clients down,
just as they will let us down. We dont intend to, and neither do they, but it happens. When things go
wrong, emotions run even more strongly, but at the same time the relationship can feel less trusting,
more difficult and more distant. How we and our client respond to this experience will be a key
determinant of whether the relationship strengthens and builds trust, or whether the relationship
derails.
In many ways, it is only when the consulting relationship goes through these more testing times that
a deeper level of trust has the opportunity to grow: where each partner gets a glimpse of the
humanity and fallibility of the other.
One of the key issues here is that we are trying to create balanced relationships of mutual
commitment (reciprocated incremental commitment). So it becomes as important to work through
the areas where we feel that our client has not delivered on our expectations of them, as it is to help
our clients comment openly about where they feel we have failed them. The sensitive issue, the one
that means we need to work consciously and skilfully, is that one of the great unwritten laws of
human behaviour is that people hate to lose face. The risk is that the very act of seeking to address
the difficulty or difference creates more discomfort and triggers people into face-saving behaviour. If
we inadvertently put our clients in a position where they fear that they are going to lose face either
with us or with colleagues across their organisation, do not expect loyalty from them. It is far better
to think through in advance the personal impact of our work on them and their reputation than to put
them, yourself and the piece of work in that position.
Against these risks, if we are able to address these issues effectively we will often be rewarded by the
sense of a relationship that has been strengthened by having been tested. More than this, reflecting
on these experiences with our clients can also help them and us gain new insights into the dynamics
within their own organisation and thereby further help the change process.
Turning to the skills required:
Handling evaluations
Do you

Act openly and non-defensively in the face of problems?

Acknowledge when their expectations have not been met?

Encourage them to be open and acknowledge problems?

Succeed in getting them to acknowledge when they have not delivered on their
commitments and to commit to change?

Focus and build on common ground, creating positive outcomes for both parties?
Managing emotions
Do you

Surface and address tensions in the relationship when necessary?

Acknowledge emotions: theirs and your own?

Retain perspective: step back from difficult situations to understand what is going on and why?

Demonstrate mutual interest and co-operation even in difficult circumstances?

Actively sustain contact with the other person when there are difficult problems?

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Phase 3: commitment and renewal

If the difficulties and differences of Phase 2 can be negotiated then the relationship can move towards
deepened trust the kind of trust that is qualitatively different from that which exists early on in
relationships. Essentially the shift is one from trust based on assumptions (I will trust this person until
I am let down) to trust based on experience (I will trust this person because they have earned my
trust). We can start to talk about a relationship based on mutual trust rather than mutual dependency.
It is at this stage that arguably the consulting relationship will be at its most potent. The experience of
having dealt with difficulties and setbacks in a way that has strengthened trust in the relationship will
mean that there is often an openness and directness in the pattern of communication. This deeper
level of engagement between client and consultant means that they can act more powerfully as
catalysts with the broader client system to lead and embed change. The relationship itself becomes a
source of energy. As the network of relationships that are involved in any complex piece of
organisational change moves through their own paths of development (i.e. through Phases 1 & 2),
this core consulting relationship becomes a stable-base for client and consultant alike.
Having arrived at a sense of commitment the development of the relationship does not stop. If it
does, it is likely to quickly become stale and unproductive. In a relationship that continues to be alive
and productive the relationship cycle is re-initiated when new challenges and results are identified
for the consulting relationship, when new actors move into the system from the client and consulting
side, and when the external market forces herald the need for further adaptation in the client system.
In this way the most effective consulting relationships have a sense of continued movement within
the relationship space, each cycle further deepening the sense of trust and energy. The key
challenge is to recognise when each cycle is complete and either seek to disengage or to renew the
relationship. If this does not happen the relationship is likely to lose its catalytic potential, despite
continuing as a comfortable, warm and secure relationship: the kind of relationship that often is
described as the consulting team having gone native or not able to sustain an external perspective.
It can take a brave or apparently commercially nave consultant to face up to the fact that his or her
contribution is finished. But the real navet lies in imagining that our client will not already have
realised that this is the case. So, have the open conversation and be prepared to move on to the next
piece of work, and you are likely to find that your client is only too happy to help you network your
way to the next stimulating assignment.
Finally, to the skill needed to manage this phase within the relationship cycle.
Sustaining challenge
Do you

Create renewed aspirations for the work and the relationship?

Continue to challenge the client from a belief in their potential?

Help them understand how to get the best out of you?

Trust them and their commitment to you and demonstrate your commitment to them?
Renewing the relationship
Do you

Acknowledge changing circumstances?

Understand the implications of changes in the other persons world?

Identify and value personal change, learning and growth?

Identify implications for the relationship of changes in role, life-stage, or organisational change?

Review and re-establish expectations in the light of changes and growth?

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thethinking
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The Thinking Partnership
www.thethinkingpartnership.com
Oxford Centre for Innovation
New Road, Oxford
OX1 1BY
+44 (0) 1865 261 465