Lesson Objectives - Paragraph Development

Writing Appropriate Topic Sentences

Answering the Question Consistently Throughout the Paragraph
Addressing Balance

Example 1: A countrys success should only be measured by its

economic prosperity. Do you agree?
Line of argument in introduction A countrys success should not only be
measured by its economic prosperity as there are other indicators that should be
taken into consideration as well. That being said, one needs to also look at
economic prosperity when one tries to determine how successful a country is.
Topic sentence for first body paragraph A countrys success should not be
measured only by its economic prosperity as it is often obtained at the expense
of peoples quality of life. A nation full of stressed and burnt out individuals
without work-life balance cannot be said to be a success even if it enjoys healthy
GDP growth rates.
Topic sentence for second body paragraph It makes sense to also look at
whether people in the country enjoy a sense of safety and security. When crime
rates are high and neighbours mistrust each other, a country cannot be said to
be successful even if it is widely acknowledged by international standards to be
economically prosperous.
Topic sentence for third body paragraph Economic prosperity comes with
its own baggage, and thus should not be the only measure of success. A country
which is economically prosperous on the whole, but has a huge income disparity
between the rich and the poor, cannot possibly be considered successful.
Topic sentence for fourth body paragraph Yet, we cannot deny that
economic prosperity is one of the most important indicators of success. In an
economically prosperous country, peoples standard of living is generally high. It
is also with greater affluence that countries would be able to afford to develop
infrastructure and amenities to improve the qualitative aspects of peoples lives
and it is only when peoples quality of life is assured that a country can truly be
considered successful.

Example 2: Is achieving work-life balance a realistic aim in your society?

However, although striking a work-life balance in Singapore is challenging, it is
not impossible. The Singapore Government has identified this problem and has
been trying to mitigate its effects by implementing policies that give people
more time for leisure such as having a 5 day work week for government officials
and civil servants. This has created more time for employees to enjoy
recreational activities and to take a break before going back to work the next
week, thus making work-life balance a more realistic aim for people in Singapore.
Standard work hours for civil servants are also restricted to 9am to 5pm only
thus allowing them to have more time for themselves outside work.
Problem 1: No appropriate topic sentence
Problem 2: Example led paragraph
Problem 3: Does not state the point he is trying to make via the example
Problem 4: No evaluation or analysis of the example; a lack of engagement with
the keyword realistic
Problem 5: No summative statement

Reworked

However, although striking a work-life balance in Singapore is challenging, it is

not impossible. The fact that the government is actively promoting work-life
balance and revising current policies to put in place measures which help people
strike a better balance between work and family life is indicative of the high level
of support work-life balance initiatives have among the law makers here. With
the Singapore government identifying the lack of work-life balance as a problem,
and with policies such as the 5-day work week for the civil service already in
place, it is clear that much emphasis is placed on achieving work life balance. In
addition, companies are increasingly tapping on the various funding schemes to
actively promote work-life strategies at the workplace. Under such schemes,
more and more Singaporeans are taking on the more flexible working hours
offered by their employers in order devote more time to their families. We also
see an increasing trend of Singaporeans taking part in various recreational and
sporting activities organised by the government and various organisations. All
these give us hope that more people can achieve work-life balance.

Example 3: Is achieving work-life balance a realistic aim in your society?

Some people may argue that achieving work-life balance is a realistic aim in
Singapore because currently, there has been intense competition be it at work or
in school. All the more, people would try to achieve work-life balance and have
some time to relax their minds. This is to ensure that people function at their
best in the face of intense competition and manage their stress well and not
damage their health. In Singapore, measures have been put in place to help
ensure that Singaporeans achieve work-life balance. The 5 day work week for
civil servants encourages people to spend the weekend to enjoy life with their
families. Many people thus argue that achieving work-life balance is a realistic
aim in Singapore since even the government is encouraging Singaporeans to
take time off work and enjoy their weekend with their families so that they can
function better at work and manage their stress well. Despite the popularity of
such an argument, I do not support it as Singapores economy is dependent on
market forces. This means that if the global economy is bad, Singapore could be
affected too. Currently, the economy is not in a good shape due to the Eurozone
Crisis. People may have to work extra hard to help maintain the profits earned
and to be more productive. The market economy cannot be controlled due to
globalization and Singapore is very dependent on the global economy for
progress. Hence, achieving work-life balance is not a realistic aim in Singapore as
we need to work much harder to earn more is the economy is not in a good
shape and this leaves Singaporeans with little time to enjoy their lives or to
relax.
Problem 1: Reason contradicts the stand need to rephrase first part of
paragraph. (Because there is intense competition, people purposely seek to
achieve work-life balance so that they can better function at work and not burn
out)
Problem 2: Argument isnt very coherent, seems to be jumping from one idea to
another.

Either a problem with phrasing OR

Paragraph is actually a combination of different ideas.

o

Should only have one point per paragraph (if choose first argument,
need to give evidence of a bottom-up initiative where people carve
out time to relax)

Rebuttal does not address either of the 2 OAs. (people are not
always receptive of government policies especially given
Singapores competitive climate) Rebuttal point is a separate idea
that should have been developed in a separate paragraph.

Reworked
Option 1 (Rephrasing ideas)

Some people may argue that achieving work-life balance is a desirable in

Singapore because currently, there has been intense competition be it at work or
in school. With this, the irony is that all the more, people would try to achieve
work-life balance and have some time to relax their minds(e.g. of 5 day work
week) take time off work and enjoy their weekend with their families so that
they can function better at work and manage their stress well.
However, the reality is that Singapore and Singaporeans cannot afford
to slow down and relax. With Singapore being a small and open
economy which is highly vulnerable to global market forces,
Option 2 (Assuming that paragraph is a combination of different ideas, evaluate example of 5
day work week)

Unfortunately, such efforts on the part of the government are not enough if
the people themselves do not change their mindset towards work. In competitive
and technologically advanced Singapore, the line between work and personal life
is fast blurring for professionals. With increasing workplace connectivity and
higher expectations from bosses keeping more workers connected to work at all
times, it seems as if people are working all the time, even if they are not
physically in the office. It is precisely this workaholism which has led to the
erosion of personal space, higher stress levels and overall decline in the quality
of life for employees. Also, employers continue to expect their staff to be on-call
24/7, and overload their staff in pursuit of more profits. With such attitudes in
place, it is impossible to expect work-life balance to become commonplace in
Singapore.

Avoid Isolated Examples Ensuring Scope When Listing Examples

Example 4: Is encouraging research and innovation just another way to make money?
Encouraging research and innovation is not just about making money. It is also for the good of
mankind when research into medical science gives doctors new ways to treat patients. Just last year,
a Taiwanese man survived 16 days without a heart while awaiting transplant surgery. This was
possible because a special heart-lung machine was used on him. This was the first time someone
survived without a heart for so many days. In fact, the government is encouraging more research into
this by providing funds. Thus, the main purpose for research and innovation here is not to make
money, but to find a new way for a human to live without a heart.
Encouraging research and innovation is not just about making money. It is also for the good of
mankind when research into medical science gives doctors new ways to treat patients. From learning
to harness the potential of stem cell research to grow new organs as replacements for damaged ones;
to the development of cutting-edge prosthetics which allow users greater control and wider range of
actions, such research does have more noble aims extension of life as well as alleviation of pain and
suffering. That being said, we cannot ignore the fact that such new technologies can be very profitable
for the scientists as well..
Avoid Isolated Examples Use Trends Instead
Example 5: How compassionate are people in your society today?
Problematic Paragraph
Singaporeans today are seldom compassionate towards animals. Take for example serial cat killer
David Hooi who slaughtered more than 20 cats over a two-week period in 2006. The cats were found
dumped in bushes and drains, with their throats slit. There was also another case of a man who was

charged for abusing a cat by grabbing it by the neck and repeatedly slamming its body against a wall.
Both of these examples clearly show that Singaporeans are not kind to animals.
Improved Paragraph
Singaporeans today are seldom compassionate towards animals, even those which they have a
responsibility towards. According to the Singapore Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
(SPCA) thousands of pets are abandoned every year, with an average of 600 animals picked up by
SPCA every month. Many unclaimed animals have to be put to sleep because the shelter does not
have enough space to accommodate all the abandoned pets.