ARCHER: "El Platero"

Written by
M.Z. Horowitz

FADE IN:
EXT. FOREST - DAY
LANA (O.S.)
Two things: A) Why is this so
complicated, and B) I still don't
understand why we have to do
this.
We PAN TO THE RIGHT: The whole gang (ARCHER, LANA, MALORY,
CYRIL, CHERYL, PAM, RAY, and KRIEGER) are standing in a
circle, in a forest clearing. They are prepping themselves
with paintball uniforms and masks; RAY is face-painting
camouflage on CYRIL; MALORY, LANA, and CHERYL just look
angry.
CYRIL
How is this complicated? It's
paintball without borders! We
hike through the woods until we
encounter our opposition, and
then - BANG! Shoot-out.
RAY
Quit movin' so much, Mussolini!
ARCHER
... said Alan Turing.
RAY
(turns to ARCHER)
How does THAT work?!
ARCHER
Uh, because gay!
RAY
Not a flamer!
LANA
Yeah. Way too complicated!
BEAT.
KRIEGER
The joke, or...
LANA
Either!

2.
KRIEGER
Mmmmmm... not really, though.
LANA
Who asked you, Albert Speer?
Everyone else in the group, except MALORY, voices strong
dissent. PAM says "Inapprops!"; MALORY says "I think that's
fairly accurate." LANA crosses her arms stubbornly.
CYRIL
And I told you, it's a teambuilding exercise! We should
really learn to coordinate
better. I mean, we almost always
screw up assignments together, so
I feel-ARCHER
(laughs)
"We"?!
MALORY
Sterling, hush!
ARCHER
Wha - why are you taking his
side, Mother? You don't want to
be here way more than me.
MALORY
Because watching you wave your
dick at Cyril is more obnoxious
than his "team-building" talks!
Although, yes - ALL of you
consistently screw things up.
Knowing you idiots, this will
crash and burn faster than you
can say "Hindenburg"!
KRIEGER
Technically, that was a burn-andcrash, but-MALORY
Oh, shut up.

3.
CYRIL
See, that kind of attitude is
exactly why we need this.
(puts hand on
KRIEGER's shoulder)
We've known each other for years;
it's time we got along. Come on!
It's paintball! This will be fun!
LANA
Couldn't we have just played
regular paintball?
CYRIL
Why are YOU opposed to this?
ARCHER
Because it's horseshit!!
LANA
Shut up!
(to CYRIL)
Because, Malory has a point we're probably gonna get super
lost and have to be lifted out by
a chopper!
CYRIL
With that attitude, sure.
PAM
Well, I'm lookin' forward to
this! Get my blood pumpin' and
such! Just like when we used to
wrestle the pigs every full moon!
CYRIL
Uh... Thank you, Pam.
ARCHER
Yeah, Pam. Way to kiss ass.
PAM
Why are YOU so upset? You were
sayin' how excited you were the
whole way over here!
ARCHER
You - GODDAMMIT, PAM!!

4.
PAM
What?! Ohhhhh... shouldn't have
said that out loud, 'cuz now
Cyril knows you liked his idea.
CYRIL
(to ARCHER)
Jesus, Archer. You are such a
child.
ARCHER
Yeah!? Well at least I'm not a
giant dildo, who... plans,
stupid-CYRIL
Shhhhhhhhhhh.
ARCHER
Wha - did you just shu-CYRIL
Sh!
ARCHER
Don't you-CYRIL
Sh.
ARCHER
(apoplectic)
Cyril, I swear to-CYRIL
Shhhhh!
ARCHER
Goddammit, Cyril, STOP SHUSHING
ME!!!
RAY
(laughs)
Oh, man! We finally found his
"off" switch!
LANA
(also laughing)
Nice!
ARCHER
Why are you taking his side, La--

5.
LANA
Shhhhh.
ARCHER
Stop!!
LANA
Shhhhhhhhhh.
ARCHER
Goddammit, La-RAY
Shhhhhh.
ARCHER
RAY!!!
Everyone just starts shushing ARCHER, who does not take it
well.
ARCHER
What the shit!!?! Are you all
librarians?! FINE!! Jesus, I-The others continue to shush him. ARCHER yells in annoyance
and fires his paintball gun into the air reflexively; it's
not very loud, but it hits and kills a small bird off-screen,
who squawks and falls to the ground. Everyone looks at it for
a moment. ARCHER opens his mouth to speak, but is shushed by
the rest of the group. He narrows his eyes and just walks
away.
CYRIL
Hey! Where are you going?!
ARCHER (O.S.)
PISS OFF, CYRIL!!
When he leaves, the others laugh out loud.
LANA
I can't believe that worked!
CHERYL
Oh my god, that was amazing!
MALORY
Should've figured that one out
years ago!

6.
PAM
Yeah! Where did you learn that?
CYRIL
It's one of the top ten ways to
annoy bullies according to
FightthePower.com. It's an antibullying website.
The others stop laughing and look condescendingly at CYRIL.
CYRIL
(beat)
Well, at least I'm dealing with
him!
SMASH TO:
MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE
ACT I
EXT. FOREST - DAY
The gang, except ARCHER, creep through the trees, blending in
to their surroundings thanks to the camouflage. RAY and CYRIL
are in the lead, followed by LANA, MALORY, and, at the back,
PAM, CHERYL, and KRIEGER.
MALORY
(muttering)
Goddamn-forest-shit-stupid-feralundomesticated-cesspool-ofbloodthirsty-goddamn-mosquitoes!
CYRIL
Everything okay, Malory?
MALORY
(out loud)
Oh, yes - fine, dear!
(muttering)
...you-stupid-shit-for-brainstip-of-a-penis-for-a-head-nogood-lousy-LANA creeps up next to MALORY.

7.
LANA
(quietly)
Heeeeey... So, couldn't help but
notice that you seem to be not
enjoying this trip.
MALORY
Oh, god - it's like a jungle out
here!
LANA
Not far off the mark there,
Magellan.
MALORY
Don't get snippy with me, Missy!
I wasn't raised by wolves,
goddammit. I'm a civilized human
being!
LANA
And, about that: Why did you even
agree to come on this trip? I
mean, I know Cyril's technically
your boss, but you never do
anything you don't want to. Why
are you going along with this?
MALORY
(resigned)
Doctor's orders: Apparently my
cholesterol is a little high, so
I'm getting some...(shudders)
exercise.
(threateningly)
But don't you even think about
telling Sterling! You know how he
is about my health.
LANA
But you know, there are other
ways to get exercise.
MALORY
There is no way in high hell that
I would ever be caught dead in a
gym. It's filthier than this
jungle!
LANA
Forest. And I meant running.

8.
MALORY
Even worse! I'm not about to get
hollered at by some sex-crazed,
pot-smoking street thug!
LANA
(rolls eyes)
Well, you could always just go
for a walk.
MALORY
Oh, who's got the time? And I
refer you to the running
scenario.
LANA
(sighs)
Well, then, I guess you could
play paintball with your
coworkers during work hours-Both LANA and MALORY stop short, surprised. We see that they
are alone; while talking, they have wandered away from the
group.
LANA
(sighs)
Or, you know - not.
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - DAY
Meanwhile, with PAM, CHERYL, and KRIEGER: PAM is om-nomnoming on a sandwich literally dripping in a red sauce.
CHERYL
(waves her hand)
Ugh - Jesus, what is that - fried
asshole?
PAM
"Torta Ahogada". It's a Mexican
pork sandwich drowned in hot
sauce.
KRIEGER
Awesome!
PAM
Right? I had it on my trip to
Guadalajara. It was great. This
one... not so much.

9.
CHERYL
Then why are you still eating
it?!
PAM
I'm hungry!
CHERYL
So get a salad, for once! Jesus it's like diabetes with a side of
dysentery, and it smells like it!
PAM
Hey, don't be shitty!
CHERYL
(laughs)
You're right - you're gonna be
head of that department in a few
minutes!
KRIEGER
I call leftovers!
PAM
(laughs)
Krieger, what makes you think I'm
gonna have leftovers?
She stops and clutches her stomach, which grumbles audibly.
KRIEGER and CHERYL stop with her.
PAM
Oooooh...
KRIEGER
That.
CHERYL rests her forehead on her hand and sighs.
RAY (V.O.)
This is so stupid...
EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS
Meanwhile, with RAY and CYRIL, who are in front:
CYRIL
What is, and why?

10.
RAY
This trip, and because do you not
remember when we got stuck in an
elevator?!
CYRIL
So?
RAY
Cyril, you and I - hell, EVERYONE
- knows that none of us are gonna
come out of this trip any more of
a team than we already are.
There's only so much you can
learn about a person after
spending more than a decade
working with them!
CYRIL
Well, I strongly disagree-RAY
That's very sweet of y'all, but
it's the truth. And yes, like
Malory said, this trip is gonna
be a disaster.
CYRIL
Why are you so convinced of that?
RAY
Because it always is, and
because...
RAY stops and turns around. CYRIL does the same.
RAY (CONT'D)
... the rest of the group has
gone missing.
CYRIL
Cheesy Pete's!
(cups hands around
mouth)
Lana! Lanaaaaa! LAAANAAAA!
RAY
Christ, dude! Get over her! She's
not interested!

11.
CYRIL
(ostentatiously)
Wha - I don't know what you're
insinuating, but-RAY
Save the denial for the court,
John Bardo! I'm STATING OUTRIGHT
that you are obsessed with that
girl!
CYRIL
No! I-A bullet suddenly hits RAY in the side of his abdomen, and he
crunches up, yelling in pain.
CYRIL
Ray! What's wrong?
RAY
I'm hit! Ohhh I'm hit real bad!
CYRIL
(sighs)
Already?
RAY
No - Cyril, I think I've been
shot with a real-CYRIL is hit in the arm. He cries in pain, very loudly, and
falls to the ground, blubbering in shock. Bullets fly over
their heads.
CYRIL
What is happening?!
EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS
MALORY and LANA are standing in the woods. Shots are heard in
the distant background.
LANA
Hm... Sounds like they found the
other team!
MALORY
Who knows? For all their
ineptitude they might be under
attack by bears.

12.
LANA
Wha - Why would you say something
like that?!
MALORY
Hmph! Give it time. You'll see.
She reaches into the inner-breast pocket of her uniform,
pulls out a flask, and takes a long gulp.
LANA
You know, part of your high
cholesterol problem may possibly
be that you drink too much.
MALORY
Oh, mind your own, Nose-a Parks!
LANA
Also, your short temper can't be
good for your blood pressure.
MALORY
Thanks for the info, Doctor
Carson.
LANA
You know...
MALORY abruptly gasps and pulls LANA to the ground by her
hair with her; something small whizzes past them.
LANA
Whew! Close one. Thanks, Malory.
MALORY
Hush! We need to hear their
footsteps!
Another one whizzes by.
LANA
These seem a little fast for
paintballs.
MALORY
(narrows eyes)
That's because they're not
paintballs...

13.
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - DAY
PAM is holding her stomach, crouching behind some foliage
with her pants down.
PAM
Oooooh... damn. Should NOT have
eaten that!
CHERYL and KRIEGER are several yards away. She is peeved,
while he is examining a species of mushroom.
CHERYL
No shit, Doctor House! Now we're
separated from the group, lost in
this stupid jungle!
KRIEGER
Forest.
CHERYL
Who am I, Magellan? And what are
you doing?!
KRIEGER
Just examining these mushrooms.
CHERYL
(gasps)
Are they psychedelic?
KRIEGER
Nah. Those don't grow in
California. At least, not in the
wild...
INTERCUT
INT. LARGE GREENHOUSE - DAY
We see row after row after row of potted psilocybin
mushrooms. Then we see KRIEGER, who looks at them all and
sighs contentedly.
BACK TO SCENE
KRIEGER smiles to himself.

14.
KRIEGER
(to himself)
The world will be a happier
place.
CHERYL
UUUUUH! - Pam, will you hurry UP?
PAM (O.S.)
I'm doin' the best I can! Jeez...
A projectile hits a tree very close to them, shattering the
area it hits.
CHERYL
(nonchalant)
Great.
(shouting)
Pam, we're under attack! Get your
stupid shit-ass out here!
PAM emerges, pulling her uniform on.
PAM
Alright! Let's get our paintball
goin'!
KRIEGER
Umm... guys, these people aren't
shooting paintballs...
He pauses dramatically.
CHERYL
What are you - hourly!?
KRIEGER
You know, you're really starting
to sound like a-SMASH TO:
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
ARCHER breaks through a bunch of foliage.

15.
ARCHER
(to himself)
... dildo-shaped-assclown-son-ofa-goddamn-bitch-stupid-piece-ofrotten-shit! Where the hell does
he get off, shushing me like
that?! Son-of-a(shouts)
GODDAMN-BITCH!!!
Again, he shoots (paintballs) angrily into the air, and
AGAIN, a hits a small bird, which falls - dead - to the
ground unceremoniously. ARCHER stares at it for a moment,
then keeps walking.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Stupid, idiot, Cyril, making us
all play stupid paintball
together.
(smirks)
Although we're not really playing
together anyway, so... take that,
Cyril. You can't tell me what to
do - I'm not a child. And I'm not
gonna be your friend just because
you try to be nice - you're still
the worlds biggest pussy. Dick...
Damn, that was a contradiction.
Stop smirking at me, you dumb
idiot, Cyril! You think you're
better than-He stops abruptly, surprised at himself.
ARCHER
Holy shit - I do sound like a
child... Goddammit!
Suddenly, a projectile whizzes past his head. He gasps and
takes cover behind a tree.
ARCHER
Oh yeah - it is ON!
ARCHER pivots and fires paintballs at the direction of the
shooter. Then he is hit by one, but it hurts quite a lot and
he yelps in pain. He crawls back behind the tree and examines
his shoulder: It is bleeding quite badly, and there is an
exit wound.

16.
ARCHER
(shouting)
Hey! What the hell are you
using!? This is paintball, not...
ball-bearings! Damn it, hang on,
I got a better one-Another "paintball" hits the left side of the tree he is
hiding behind: Archer hears the wood of the tree crack, and
pieces of wood shrapnel spray him.
ARCHER
OW! Jesus H. Christ! What the
shit!? Are you using a Smith &
Wesson? 'Cuz that's the only-More projectiles fly past his hiding tree. He sees one hit
the tree in front of him, obliterating a sizable chunk of the
tree where it hits... and sees the bullet spiral to the
ground.
ARCHER
(beat)
... way that a paintball could
pack so much power... Shit.
ACT II
EXT. FOREST - DAY
CYRIL and RAY are on the ground, literally under heavy fire.
RAY
Damn it, Cyril - we're being
murdered!
CYRIL
W-ww-wh-w-wha-wha-w-what d-d-do
we d-d-d-do?
RAY
Well YOU, Porky Pig, are gonna
keep up with me as we belly-crawl
behind these bastards and take
'em out!
He starts crawling on his elbows.
RAY
So get movin' and don't stop!

17.
CYRIL
Ahhhh - why me!?
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
PAM, CHERYL, and KRIEGER are running for their lives from the
bullets being fired at them.
KRIEGER
Because if we stop, we'll die,
woman!!
PAM
If we keep RUNNING like this I'm
gonna puke and/or pass out!
KRIEGER
I don't care - I have too much to
live for!!
INTERCUT
EXT. ABANDONED PARKING LOT - DAY
KRIEGER is standing in front of the magic mushroom greenhouse
- we see the mushrooms inside - with several large boxes
beside him. He is waving a truck, which slowly backs up to
the greenhouse.
BACK TO SCENE
KRIEGER
(to himself)
The homeless will bow to ME!
PAM
Who are these people anyway? Why
are they shooting at us?
CHERYL
If we knew that why would we be
running?
PAM
What kind of dumbass question is
that?!
CHERYL
I don't know, Pam! I'm not a mind
reader playing Jeopardy!

18.
PAM
What the shit are you even saying
right n-At that moment, all three of them tumble down an 105-degree
ledge - that they didn't notice - for a full ten seconds,
screaming all the way down. They land at the bottom, groaning
in pain, covered in dirt and bruises.
PAM
Goddamn...
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
ARCHER is belly-crawling behind the foliage in a wide arc,
holding his paintball gun.
ARCHER
Can't have one game of paintball
without getting shot at.
(laughs at himself)
Nice one, Archer. Thanks,
Archer... Holy shit, now I sound
like Barry. Great.
The assassin is still shooting, though not at ARCHER anymore.
ARCHER
Jesus Christ - this is, like, the
worst assassin in the world! He's
like the Yakov Smirnoff of
shooting-INTERCUT
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
LANA is crawling through the dirt like ARCHER and RAY.
LANA
... Gets it right the first time,
but just keeps doing the same
thing over and over, even after
the audience has moved on a while
ago.
She crawls up behind the two hit-men.

19.
BACK TO SCENE
ARCHER is standing over his assassin with his gun; the
assassin is rubbing his cheek.
ARCHER
So, barring the fact that you
shoot like a pot-smoker, you
managed to hit my shoulder,
which, I don't know, kind of
makes me angry.
(narrows eyes)
And you don't like me when I'm
angry...
(looks pleased)
Ha! Yes. Finally got a chance to
say it.
(gets serious again)
Now tell me why you're trying to
kill me!
The man cowers.
SPANIARD
Eh, please - seor...
ARCHER
Wha - ARE YOU SHITTING ME!?!!
In anger, he fires a round at the man's feet, kicking up dirt
pieces; the man yells in fear.
ARCHER
The one opportunity I get to use
that line and you don't
understand it!? LEARN SOME
GODDAMN ENGLISH, YOU MEXICAN
ASSHOLE!!!
Fires another round. The man starts to whimper.
ARCHER
(sighs)
I'm sorry - you're not an
asshole. Well, at least not for
not knowing English. Also, sorry
for being racist, you may not be
Mexican - I have no idea. But
like, come on. El Hulk, am I
right?

20.
SPANIARD
Eh... Que? No entiendo.
ARCHER
I know, goddammit. Whatever. Por
qu ests disparando a m?
SPANIARD
Eh, fu contratado para matarte.
ARCHER
(aggressively)
Por quin?
SPANIARD
(whimpers)
Un hombre que se llama "El
Platero".
ARCHER
"The Silversmith?" Damn - that's
a pretty badass name. Y, Por qu
quiere verme muerto!?!
SPANIARD
No s, no s! Nos dijo que matar
a usted y todos sus amigos.
ARCHER
What!?!
In anger, ARCHER shoots the man in the foot. The man screams
in pain.
ARCHER
Damn it! Why did you shoot him if
you still had questions!? SHUT UP
CYRIL!
(beat, then surprised)
What the hell is wrong with me?
(back to the SPANIARD)
Oye!
(shoots in the air)
Hay cuntos de ustedes?
In the background, a few birds drop to the ground.
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
LANA is furious.

21.
LANA
WHAT!?!
We see LANA holding two machine guns while the two hit-men
are beaten: One has a broken, bloody nose and eye that is
swollen shut; the other's mouth is bleeding and he's holding
his gut. MALORY is standing next to her, looking bored.
MALORY
"Ocho" is Spanish for "whore", I
believe.
LANA
Wha - IT MEANS "EIGHT"!! There
are eight hit-men in these woods
trying to kill us all!!
Apparently, some guy going by
"Silversmith" is behind this.
MALORY
(beat)
That name sounds very familiar...
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
ARCHER shoots the man in the other foot; the man screams.
ARCHER
You can stay here and wait for
me, so I can come back and
literally - no, figuratively beat the shit out of you!
(to himself)
God. There has to be a word that
means both... "figlit", maybe?
No, that sounds super gay.
(in a feminine voice)
"Oh my god - I'm figlit gonna
kill you for that top!"
(normal voice)
Ick.
CHERYL (V.O.)
(whispering)
Would you shut up!?
INT. ROCK INGRESS - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
KRIEGER, PAM and CHERYL are hiding at the bottom of the
ledge. They are talking in low voices.

22.
PAM
Why? What'd I say?
CHERYL
It's the fact that you're
talking! They'll hear us!
PAM
I'm just sayin' - one bad
sandwich doesn't mean they're all
bad!
CHERYL
I don't care about the stupid
sandwich! How are we going to get
out of here?
KRIEGER
(beat)
I think I might have an idea.
EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER
PAM, KRIEGER, and CHERYL are running from the pullets zooming
past them; CHERYL is stark-naked, holding up her blouse with
both hands to hide her breasts.
CHERYL
What kind of shit-for-brains idea
was that, you dumb shit!?!
PAM
Seriously, you did NOT think that
one through, General Custer!
KRIEGER
Shut up! It almost worked!
CHERYL
I seduce them and you fire
paintballs!? A jar of sauerkraut
could've been more useful!
KRIEGER
Of all the - you wouldn't say
that if I wasn't German!
CHERYL
FINE! A jar of mayo! Whatever!
Jeez, who are you - the
ambassador of Germany!?

23.
Pause. Then PAM
Are you, though?
KRIEGER
Wha - NO! Of course n-They roll down another steep ledge in the woods, in a similar
manner as before, again, screaming. When they land at the
bottom, they land in the same positions as the first time,
only dirtier, bloody, and CHERYL is naked, her nipples
covered loosely by her blouse and her vagina covered by a
single leaf.
PAM
God DAMN it!
KRIEGER
I don't feel so good...
CHERYL
This is so exactly like the Gypsy
Woman said...
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
RAY and CYRIL have overpowered the two (Spanish) hit-men,
whose hands are up, and taken their machine guns; they are
conversing privately, blood slowly oozing out of their
respective wounds.
RAY
"The Silversmith"? Damn.
CYRIL
What? Do you know that name?
RAY
No, but... well... Sploosh!
CYRIL
It does sound kinda epic...
ARCHER (O.S.)
Ugh. Hate that word.
CYRIL AND RAY
Archer!
ARCHER steps out from the trees.

24.
ARCHER
Yeah. And I'm hurt pretty bad.
RAY
Us too.
ARCHER
Shut up, Ray - it's not a
competition.
RAY
I wasn't-ARCHER
Although, if it were, you'd
probably come in last place.
(chuckles)
Get it? 'Cause you came last in-RAY
I get it, you ass. I had to fight
one of these guys down, so-ARCHER
Bet you loved that part.
RAY
You know--!
ARCHER
Ha! Gay Ray had a melee with Jos
today. Ol!
CYRIL
Wow.
(folds arms)
I never knew Dr. Seuss was such a
homophobic racist.
ARCHER
Shut up, Cyril, you dumb idiot! I
got shot.
RAY
So did we!
ARCHER
Wait - what did you mean "one of
these guys"? Who took down the
other?

25.
CYRIL
Ahem!
INTERCUT
RAY and CYRIL charge out of the trees, taking the assassins
by surprise. RAY punches one, while CYRIL body-slams into
his, hitting his foe with his wound by accident. This fells
CYRIL as well as his opponent, but CYRIL's blow knocks the
shooter head-first into a tree trunk, and momentarily
incapacitates him, while CYRIL is squeezing his arm and
saying "Owie owie ow".
RAY
(mid-wrestle)
Oh, come on, you big baby! Get
his gun!
CYRIL
Just give me a minute!
BACK TO SCENE
RAY
I mean, mostly.
ARCHER
(laughs)
You. Are. SHITTING me! You!?!
His laughter intensifies. Both CYRIL and RAY narrow their
eyes and glance at each other. RAY nods once, and CYRIL
whacks ARCHER hard over the head with the butt of the gun:
ARCHER collapses, and lays on the ground, moaning.
RAY
(to CYRIL)
Bet you that isn't one of the top
ten.
CYRIL
Actually, it's number one. But
it's meant for, you know...
RAY
Incorrigible dicks?
ACT III

26.
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - DAY
Twilight approaches the woods.
MALORY (O.S.)
Ugh... We've been walking for
almost two hours! Can't we just
rest?
LANA and MALORY emerge from the trees, tip-toeing through the
woods.
LANA
Would you stop bitching about it?
We have to find the others before
it gets too dark-LANA stops and looks at something on the ground, then sighs
in exasperation. We see CHERYL's paintball uniform and
clothes, laying strewn on the ground.
LANA
... or before something happens
to them.
MALORY
What did I tell you? Eaten by
bears, those idiots.
LANA
Wha--?
MALORY
I hope it was Krieger...
LANA
(opens mouth, then)
WHAT THE SHIT!?!
MALORY
Oh, please - if it has to be
ANYbody--

27.
LANA
(furiously)
A) Again, what the shit, B)
there's no blood, which means
these were removed by choice, C)
these are CHERYL's clothes, and
D) THAT'S how you respond to one
of your oldest acquaintances
getting attacked by bears!?!
MALORY
Oh, get off your high horse and
put your panties on, before you
rub your unkempt vagina raw!
LANA gasps dramatically.
LANA
(with much venom)
You sick, miserable, twisted,
incorrigible old HAG!
MALORY
(puts up dukes)
You want some, BITCH!?!
The CRACK! of bullets hitting wood diverts their attention.
LANA screams in rage and runs full-force towards the source
of the bullets.
MALORY
Lana, have you lost your goddamn
MIND?!?!
LANA does not respond. A few seconds later, she arrives,
beside herself with rage, at the shooters, and just unleashes
hellfire on the three jackasses who were hunting down PAM,
CHERYL, and KRIEGER. They die almost instantly, but LANA
keeps holding the trigger, shooting ALL the bullets at their
bloody corpses, waving the gun back and forth, screaming like
a feral lunatic. When the magazine has emptied, she still
hold the trigger for a few seconds, then finally lets go.
LANA
(manically)
You like that, you sons of
bitches!? You like getting shot
at a billion-jillion times!?
Yeah! Didn't think so!
MALORY enters the scene.

28.
MALORY
Well I never!
LANA
(to MALORY)
YOU! SHUT UP, NOW!
PAM (O.S.)
(chuckling)
Holy shit-snacks!
LANA and MALORY turn: PAM, CHERYL, and KRIEGER emerge from
behind some trees. CHERYL has put her blouse on; it JUST
covers her genitals.
KRIEGER
Damn, Lana!
CHERYL sidles up to LANA, strutting her stuff.
CHERYL
(voluptuously)
Oh my god... you have no idea how
wet I am right at this moment.
LANA shoves CHERYL away.
LANA
Anyone know where Archer and the
others are?
KRIEGER
Oh - you're not even gonna ASK
how we're doing?!
PAM
What the shit, Lana...
CHERYL
(feigning indignation)
Why don't you just slap us while
you're being a cold-hearted
bitch?!
(offers her cheek)
Me first.
LANA groans and pushes CHERYL away again; CHERYL moans with
pleasure.

29.
LANA
Fine!
(pandering)
How are you all doing?
They consider for a moment. Then, simultaneously:
PAM
Ehhhhhh... Meh.
KRIEGER
Feeling lightheaded...
CHERYL
This is my... fifth-worst
birthday.
LANA
GREAT. NOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE
OTHERS ARE?
Simultaneously:
PAM
Nu-uh.
KRIEGER
Nope. Nope nope nope.
CHERYL
I think I saw a European badger
one time...
LANA narrows her eyes at them and stares for a moment. She
walks over to one of the corpses and grabs a magazine off his
back. She turns her attention to PAM, CHERYL, and KRIEGER.
LANA
You three! Grab one of their
guns.
PAM
Aw, yeah - shit's gettin' real!
LANA
Shut up! Now, let's find those
other dickheads.
EXT. FOREST - ELSEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
DUCHESS, GILLETTE, and FIGGIS are tip-toeing.

30.
RAY
How are we gonna find them in
these literally god-forsaken
woods?
CYRIL
You mean "figuratively"?
RAY
(beat)
Both?
CYRIL
There's gotta be a word that
means both, right?
RAY
What about-ARCHER
If you say "figlit" I will
literally murder you!
CYRIL
You mean-ARCHER
I mean "literally". And will you
shut up!? There are still five
hit-men out there we haven't seen
yet! Albeit, terrible hit-men.
RAY
Right? Machine guns with scopes
and they're not drunk!
CYRIL
They weren't even that far.
ARCHER
Still, though. Just-Just like PAM and CO., ARCHER and CO., don't see the ledge
and tumble down in exactly the same fashion. They land at the
bottom, groaning, their guns laying next to them.
ARCHER
God DAMN it...
CYRIL
Owie owie owie...

31.
RAY
You have got to be SHITTING me!
ARCHER
(chuckles)
Wait wait, don't tell me...
RAY
Yes, Peter Sagal, I'm paralyzed
again.
ARCHER cracks up, then starts coughing and wincing.
CYRIL
Well, at least it's easily fixed.
I think I broke my leg...
GRUFF VOICE (O.S.)
And I'm going to break your
spine!
ALL
Huh!?
They look toward the voice: A tall, gruff-looking man steps
out of the shadows. He has slicked-back, dirty-blonde hair
and a goatee, flecked with gray, and he is sporting a black
leather jacket. He looks a lot like a member of a biker gang,
only a bit more dashing.
MAN
The name's Clayton, and you're
all dead-ARCHER
(laughing)
Are you kidding me? Hey, so,
Hell's Angels called - they said
if you don't return their clothes
now, they're gonna gang rape and
then kill you, and then dump your
body in a drum of acid, and then
ride into the sunset while
listening to 'Ballad of Easy
Rider', even though they hate it
because they've heard it, like, a
billion times before, and they
really want to listen to some
Chopin, but none of them would
ever admit it because they're
f*cking bikers!!

32.
CLAYTON
I... what?
CYRIL
Archer, shush!
ARCHER
Cyril, I swear to god, if you
ever shush me again-CYRIL
Sh!
ARCHER
CYRIL!
CYRIL AND RAY
Shhhhhh!
CLAYTON
ALL of you - SHUT UP!!
MALORY (O.S.)
Clayton!?
CLAYTON looks up: MALORY and CO. are standing on the ledge
above, looking down at the scene.
CLAYTON
(eyes narrow)
YOU!!
He aims the gun at her instead.
CLAYTON
Go to hell, bitch!
LANA and CO. above (except MALORY, who doesn't have a gun),
and ARCHER and CO. below, point and cock their guns, in
unison, at CLAYTON, who freezes with his gun aimed at MALORY.
LANA
(calmly)
Buddy, you'd be dead long before
the bullet entered her. Now get
yo-ARCHER
--your hands up!! Ha - I'm in
charge, Lana! So, just--

33.
LANA
SHHHHHHH!
ARCHER
Goddammit, La-ALL
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
ARCHER
FINE!! God! Shutting up n-ALL
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
ARCHER
(wounded)
You know, it's very insulting.
EPILOGUE
EXT. EDGE OF WOODS - NIGHT
POLICE CARS and AMBULANCES flash all around. The gang stand
together, covered in bandages (actually, RAY sits in a
wheelchair and CYRIL is propped up on crutches, his leg in a
cast), watching CLAYTON, hands cuffed behind his back, being
led to a car by an officer.
CLAYTON
You haven't seen the last of me,
Malory! I'll be back for you!
ARCHER
(angrily)
Not before I crack your skull
open with a bench grinder, you
dick!
CHERYL
(to CLAYTON)
I'll join you!
CLAYTON is stuffed into the car.
ARCHER
Carol, shut up.
CHERYL
You're not my prison supervisor!!

34.
ARCHER
That's a warden, you idiot!
CHERYL
Duh!... Wait, what?
ARCHER shakes his head.
ARCHER
Mother, what the hell was that
all about? Who is that guy?
MALORY
(sighs)
Clayton Archibald Silversmith.
And he is one of the most
dangerous men you will ever meet.
He spins a wide web, using any
means necessary to amass power
and money.
LANA
Wait, so - THAT was "The
Silversmith"?
RAY
Oh my god - sploooooooosh!
PAM
Wait, what?
ARCHER
Please tell me you weren't... you
know...
LANA
Lovers?
ARCHER
There's a reason I didn't say it,
Lana!

35.
MALORY
We weren't lovers, you idiot!
(sighs)
Back when I was a field operative
for OSS, Clayton was a cocaine
manufacturer running a huge
operation in several states. One
day we caught some of his men in
the act of making a huge sale
and, well... He and his people
received a life sentence. That
was the last I'd seen or heard of
him, and that was more than
thirty years ago. He must have
escaped prison.
(eyes narrow)
Or gotten a furlough. Who knows
with those hippies in the supreme
court!
CHERYL
(scoffs)
Right?
RAY
(to MALORY)
So, why did he wanna kill us? It
sounds like it was a revenge
scheme on you.
MALORY
How should I know? Maybe he was
looking for a prison spoon buddy!
RAY
Ooh, I hope so.
KRIEGER
Wait, so, what does he have to do
with any of this?
MALORY
Wha - he was the one who hired
those assassins to kill us!
PAM
And how were we supposed to know
that, Shirley Tomes?
LANA
Not bad.

36.
KRIEGER
Yeah - we just started getting
shot at and then Lana went all
ape-shit on their asses-ARCHER AND CYRIL
Wait, what?
KRIEGER (CONT'D)
--and that's all we knew.
ARCHER
You did what?
CYRIL
Are you okay?
LANA
Thanks for your concern, Archer
and Armstrong. I'm fine.
ARCHER bursts into raucous laughter.
ARCHER
'Cause he's a chronic
masturbator!
He continues to laugh. CYRIL shushes him; ARCHER stops
laughing and abruptly becomes enraged.
ARCHER
Goddammit, Cyril!! THAT's IT!
He limps toward CYRIL, yelling in rage. As ARCHER approaches
him, CYRIL whacks ARCHER hard with one of his crutches, and
ARCHER collapses, moaning. CYRIL smiles.
MALORY
Hm... I really haven't given you
enough credit, Cyril dear.
They all look at ARCHER, and we-SLAM TO CREDITS.
THE END.