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Throughout the duration of our lives, we are likely to come across hundreds of
people. While we do not form a relationship with everyone that we meet, we tend to
become close with a lot of the people that we encounter repeatedly in our everyday lives.
However, many relationships that are formed will undoubtedly die out, and we will
gradually lose contact with these people. This is because forming an interpersonal
relationship is not easy; in fact it requires a lot of effort from both parties. According to
communication researcher Mark Knapp, there are ten stages of relational development.
To demonstrate Knapps Stages of Relational Development, I will analyze my
relationship with my former roommate from my freshman year of college.
The first stage of Knapps model is the initiating stage. Going into my freshman
year of college, I did not know anyone who was going to URI. In an effort to find a
roommate, I posted to the Facebook group, URI Class of 2018. In my post, I included
some basic information about myself, and what I was looking for in a roommate. Several
people responded to my post, including my future roommate, Elizabeth1. She messaged
me, and we began communicating via Facebook messenger. This first contact was the
initiating stage of our relationship.
An important aspect of our initiating stage is that it began online, which makes it
slightly different than a typical face-to-face meeting. As the study The Role of Facebook
in Romantic Relationship Development shows, relationships beginning on Facebook can
begin forming before the first initial contact is made. The study says With the breadth
and occasional depth of information available of Social Network Sites, it is possible to
learn a lot about another person without actually interacting with him or her, thus
violating the norms of appropriate rate of disclosure early in a relationship, (Warber et.
1 Name has been changed.

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Al). By viewing a persons Facebook wall and looking through their photo albums and
tagged pictures, it is possible to learn a lot about them without having to have any
interaction with them at all. As a college student looking for a roommate, I looked
through her profile a lot before responding to her message, as I wanted to get a general
idea about her personality, and I also wanted to see what she and her friends did for fun. I
used the impression that I gained after looking at her profile to decide whether or not I
thought that she was a person that I could see myself getting along with.
In Knapps model, the initiating stage happens face-to-face and typically includes
conventional formulas such as handshakes, remarks about unimportant subjects like the
weather, and friendly expressions (Adler & Proctor pg. 256). Our relationship began
through Facebook, and as a result our initiating stage was completely through online
communication. Instead of walking up to each other and starting a conversation in
person, our first contact was through a computer screen, which allows for a person to act
in a way that is not necessarily typical behavior for them. Because the only impression
that I had of Elizabeth was through her Facebook profile and the messages that we
exchanged, I could only base my opinion of her on the information that she wanted me to
see, and vice versa.
As Adler and Proctor point out in Chapter two of the text, online impression
management allows one to have more control over managing impressions than face-toface interactions (pg. 56). This is shown through the article The Role of Friends
Appearance and Behavior on Evaluations of Individuals on Facebook, written by
Walther, Van Der Heide, Kim, Westerman, and Tong. The article states that, Because
online impressions are controllable, they are often suspect. Online users can organize the

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information flow and enhance self-image by strategically selecting how and what they
convey to the receiver. I believe that the fact that our initiating stage occurred solely
online caused us to have more struggles in our relationship, because even though it is
possible to find out a lot about a person through their social media, it is impossible to
truly know them through their profiles and short exchanges through online
communication.
After the short initiation stage, we moved on to the experimenting stage. This
stage began through our online conversations. The experimenting stage is characterized
by its use of small talk to determine common interests shared with the other person.
During this stage, we participated in uncertainty reduction, which is defined as, the
process of getting to know others by gaining more information about them, (Adler &
Proctor, pg. 256). The primary goal of uncertainty reduction is to find common ground or
interests that are shared.
After our first initial messages in which we introduced ourselves, we proceeded to
ask each other questions as part of the uncertainty reduction process. These questions all
fell under the category of small talk, and were used to help us determine if we wanted to
continue talking with one another. A necessary part of the experimenting stage is selfdisclosure; in order to learn more about the other person, one must give information
about themselves as well. According to Altman and Taylors Social Penetration Theory,
the first method of self-disclosure involves the breadth of information volunteered, i.e.
the range of subjects being discussed. The second dimension of self-disclosure is the
depth of information volunteered, which shows the shift from impersonal conversation to
more personal topics (Adler & Proctor, pg. 58).

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Social Penetration Theory states that as a relationship continues, it becomes more

intimate as individuals self-disclose about more topics and discuss things of a more
personal nature (Johnson et. Al). After getting past the initial small talk, my conversations
with Elizabeth became more personal, and we started to learn more about each other. We
shared information with each other about our friends, families, and jobs, and began to
have conversations that flowed more easily. During this time, I began to feel like I
actually knew Elizabeth, despite the fact that I had never met her in person before. As we
began to talk more and more, I started to consider her as a friend, rather than someone
that I had met online and had been corresponding with.
Following the experimenting stage is the intensifying stage. This stage is largely
identified by strong, positive feelings that develop between the parties during the
experimenting stage. In order to reach the intensifying stage, both parties must develop
relatively similar feelings after getting to know each other. After we had been
communicating through Facebook messages for a few weeks, Elizabeth and I decided
that we wanted to room together. As the summer went on and our move-in date got
closer, we continued to get to know each other and develop a more personal relationship
by talking almost every day through either text messaging or Skype. As we got more
familiar with one another, we began to get excited for school, and for our opportunity to
meet face-to-face.
When our move in date finally came, Elizabeth and I sent text messages back and
forth during our car rides to the school. We were both eager to move all of our stuff in
and meet each other, as well as meet our new hall-mates. Elizabeth got to the room first,
and when I arrived we immediately began chattering away, as if we had met in person

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before. We became fast friends and met all of the people in our hall together, and ended
up going to the dining hall and the First Night, events together. While we made friends
with other people living in our hall, Elizabeth and I stuck together for the most part,
because we had already communicated so much over the summer, and we felt as if we
already knew each other.
As our friendship continued to grow, we started spending more and more time
together. After a few weeks into the semester, we were inseparable. It was around this
time that our relationship reached the integrating stage of Knapps model. Typically, the
integrating stage is marked by a sign of commitment being made. However, because
Elizabeth and I were not in a romantic relationship, I believe that the amount of time that
we were spending together is comparable to a commitment. Living together, I began to
notice things about Elizabeth that I did not like. She was extremely messy, and she
sometimes had a mean sense of humor and a way of excluding our other friends from
plans. However, a characteristic of the intensifying stage is that positive feelings often
supersede logic, and the other persons shortcomings are ignored or minimalized. This
was the case for me, as I ignored the things that I did not like about Elizabeth* so that I
could continue to be friends with her.
According to the text, during the integrating stage individuals give up some
characteristics of their old selves and develop shared identities (Adler & Proctor pg. 258).
Because of the amount of time that we were spending together, Elizabeth and I had begun
to pick up one anothers habits and ways of speaking. In addition, we rarely went
anywhere without each other; if someone asked us to go out with them on a weekend, we
would check to make sure that the other person would be included as well. We ate almost

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all of our meals together, and would do our homework together every night. People began
referring to us as the dynamic duo of the hall, because we were constantly together.
The bonding stage of Knapps model typically includes symbolic public gestures
to show the world that the relationship exists. In the case of my relationship with
Elizabeth, I classify our referring to each other as our best friend, as a public gesture
showing our friendship to the public. The bonding stage is also future oriented, which
suggests that both parties anticipate that the relationship is going to last a long time, and
do not see it ending any time soon. Elizabeth and I would often talk about rooming
together again, and living in a house together with other friends our junior year. Our
friendship was future-oriented, and we were in the mindset that we would be friends
forever. However, our relationship began to change after spending a month apart during
winter break.
Knapps Stages of Relational Development is often associated as having two
categories: the stages that are part of coming together, and the stages that are related to
coming apart. The first stage in the coming apart, category is known as the
differentiating stage. The differentiating stage is the point where one/both people in the
relationship shift their thinking from we to me, or us to I, and begin to make
separate plans. After our winter break, I began to notice a change in my friendship with
Elizabeth. When we came back second semester, we both began making plans separately,
and not checking in with one another about what we were going to be doing. This led to a
series of conflicts between us, because we both noticed the change in our relationship.
When engaging in conflict with Elizabeth, the conflict style that was most
common in our arguments was the avoiding style. Avoiding occurs when people

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nonassertively ignore or stay away from the conflict, and it can be physical avoidance or
conversational avoidance (Adler & Proctor, pg. 349). One of us would do something to
upset the other, and then rather than discussing it, we would just not speak to one another
and avoid contact for a while, until it blew over. While this typically kept the peace, it did
nothing to solve our problem, and therefore the underlying conflict was never resolved.
While we were in the midst of a conflict, we would both display characteristics of
passive aggression. Adler and Proctor state that, passive aggression occurs when a
communicator expresses hostility in an obscure or manipulative way, (pg. 353).
Elizabeth and I would partake in this behavior by speaking to everyone in the room
except for one another, communicating in extremely short sentences, and not making eye
contact with one another. In any case, passive aggression rarely has anything other than
negative effects on the relationship. This was extremely true in my situation, as we grew
more and more resentful of one another, because neither of us would address the
underlying conflict.
Following our unresolved conflict, Elizabeth and I entered the circumscribing
stage. During this stage, communication between parties decreases in quality and
quantity. Instead of discussing a conflict, members tend to opt for withdrawal and spend
less time together. This stage marks the lessening of interest and commitment and is the
reversal of the integrating stage (Adler & Proctor, pg. 260). As we entered this stage,
making separate plans became the norm, and we rarely had conversations of any depth.
Entering the room and finding myself alone with her gave me a feeling of discomfort and
tension, and it was apparent that she felt the same way. This resulted in more conflict,

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because we were both able to recognize the problem, but were unwilling to put forth the
effort required to change the direction in which our relationship was headed.
When Elizabeth and I did have conversations about why our friendship had
changed, they were never productive. She tended to exhibit the self-serving bias, in that
she never acknowledged that she had any part in our conflicts. She believed that she was
never wrong, and would not take responsibility for anything that she did to cause
problems. When trying to have a discussion with her, she would often defensively listen,
meaning that she would perceive that I was personally attacking her, when in reality I
was just trying to have a conversation. This made it very difficult to try to address any
type of problem with her.
Following the model, our relationship entered the stagnating stage. During this
stage, the relationship is at a standstill, and no growth occurs. Partners behave towards
each other in old, familiar ways without much feeling (Adler & Proctor, pg. 260).
Elizabeth and I would rarely even speak to each other, and when we did it was
conversation that solely revolved around the state of the room, or other standard
roommate topics. It was as if we were never friends at all. At this point in the
relationship, we were both aware that our friendship had ended.
As a result of our friendship ending, Elizabeth and I began avoiding one another
to avoid awkward conversation. During the avoiding stage, both parties in the
relationship avoid conversation, sharing space, eye contact, etc. We both began spending
a lot of time outside of our room, and when we were in our room for long periods of time,
it was because the other person was not there. Neither one of us wanted to address the
fact that we were no longer friends; instead we wanted to avoid having conversation at

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all. By doing this, we created a lot of tension in our relationship, and made each other feel
awkward whenever we were in the same room.
The tenth and final stage of Knapps model is the terminating stage. During this
stage, there is dialogue about where the relationship has gone, and the desire to dissociate
(Adler & Proctor, pg. 260). However, as the study, The Process of Relationship
Development and Deterioration points out, friendships are less formalized than romantic
relationships, and therefore little negotiation to end the relationship may occur. Because
the permission of the other to end the friendship is not required, there is not typically a
formal terminating stage within friendships (Johnson et. Al). There was no point in which
Elizabeth and I verbalized to each other that we no longer wanted to be friends. As is the
case with many friendships, the relationship just slowly died out. By the end of our
freshman year, we parted on good terms, but we both seemed to know that we would not
be close friends again.
Through analyzing the relationship between Elizabeth and I using Knapps Model
of Relational Development, I gained more understanding as to why the friendship ended.
Knapps model provides an accurate framework for the development and deterioration of
a relationship, and I believe that my relationship with Elizabeth followed it very closely.
Our relationship came full circle; we were best friends at the beginning of the year, and
by the end of the year we hardly spoke. Through the writing of this analysis, I have
gained a better understanding of the nature of my relationship with Elizabeth, as well as
demonstrated how Knapps model related to it.