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Abby Shaffer
Prof. Hewett
Craft of Non-Fic
December 16, 2016

A (Not-So) Hairy Situation

Since the age of three, Ive had alopecia, a condition in which a person
loses all their hair. Nothing else is affected. In theory, being that alopecia
does not cause any physical health detriments, it seems like it shouldnt be
that big of a deal. However, you can imagine that not having hair as a
woman can be a bit difficult. Therefore, since the age of three, Ive worn
some sort of head covering. When I was fairly young, I wore hats. I
graduated to wigs when I was seven.
For most of my life, Ive felt equally uncomfortable being without a wig
in front of another person than I would be naked. In fact, I used to think
about how I would rather find myself suddenly in public completely naked
than without a wig. Throughout my life, there have been things Ive avoided
altogether for fear of being exposed. As much as I wanted to do gymnastics
growing up, I never asked my parents to sign me up for classes, knowing
there was no way I could secure a wig while doing backflips. Despite being a
good swimmer when I was young, I quit the swim team when I was ten
because I couldnt swim with a wig on, and I was no longer ok with the looks
people gave me when I took off my wig at the pool. I convinced all my

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friends that I was terrified of rollercoasters when in reality, I was much more
concerned that my wig would fall off while on one.

As I got older, I could not even say the word alopecia without my
voice wavering, my eyes tearing up, or my heart beginning to race. So, I just
avoided the topic altogether. If people asked me if I was wearing a wig, my
automatic reaction would be to lie. It got to the point where the only people
that would ever see me without a wig were family members. Even while
home, I often found myself feeling the need to put on my wig on before
leaving my bedroom in the morning.
Dating quickly got tacked onto the list of things I avoided because I
had alopecia. For a while, it seemed apparent that boys in my high school
werent interested in me because they knew I had alopecia. It didnt exactly
make me the most popular girl in school. But even when I got to college
where no one knew me, I still avoided dating. In college, the only people that
knew I had alopecia were the people I specifically told. Coming from a high
school where everyone seemed to know, it felt like I could finally pretend to
be normal. At the same time, I knew that if I started seeing someone, I would
eventually have to tell him I had alopecia. The thought of this caused me so
much stress that I decided to avoid ever finding myself in that situation.

Growing up, whenever I spoke to my dad about some conflict I was

having (be it some dramatic issue with my friends, or some argument with
my mom), my dad would always mention Landmark, a seminar that takes

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place over the span of three days in which you discuss how to live life fully
and effectively.
When I did Landmark or, A great tool that I learned from Landmark
was
These insights always had to do with sorting out conflicts effectively.
Not dwelling on the negative. Things like that. Sometimes his advice was
frustrating, because no matter how emotional or dramatic I made my
predicaments sound, he would always respond with complete composure,
even when all I wanted out of him was pity. Even if his advice was annoying
to my teenage-self in the moment, it almost always helped me to see things
in a more manageable way.
Despite always mentioning The Landmark Forum here and there, he
never once directly encouraged me to do it. The only time he would ever
discuss it in detail was if I asked questions; but he never attempted to
convince me to sign up myself. It turns out that his logic was that, if I were to
ever actually get something out of the Forum myself, it would have to be on
my own steam.
It was the summer after my freshman year of college that I decided I
wanted to take the Forum. All I really knew about it was that it had had a
positive, lasting impact on my father, who seemed to be pretty happy and
well functioning in his life. Seeing that, I figured I could probably get some
sort of guidance out of it too. When I signed up, I imagined that it would help
me to develop a better work ethic, or finally decide on a major. I had no idea
what I was in for.

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The first day of the Forum, I took the train from Long Island into New
York City and arrived at around 9am. The building seemed crowded. I was
nervous to be there alone and didnt talk to many people. The day started
with an introduction from the Forum leader, whose name was Larry,
discussing what the Forum would be covering. Larry was a short and stout
man with a lot of charisma. The room contained about 300 people.
The format was: the leader would introduce a topic, then invite people
to come up to the microphones set at the front of the room to talk them
through whatever issues came to mind based on the topic. Just from
watching people go up to the mic and interacting with Larry made it obvious
that the best way to get the most out of the seminar would be to eventually
work up the courage to stand in front of the room myself. I saw different
people go up to the mic one by one to work through things that must have
been causing obstacles for them for years. People shared stories, both
uplifting and tragic. One of the most important things I learned from the
seminar is that everyone is dealing with something in life, and that no one is
exactly who you expect them to be. I remember making assumptions about
each person that went up to speak. By the end of the weekend, I quickly
learned that these assumptions were usually wrong.
There are a few people that still stand out in my mind to this day. One
was this big, tough looking black guy who began to cry in front of the whole
room discussing childhood trauma with his father. The thing that struck me
the most was when he said he avoided losing weight because if he ever had
to protect his daughter from getting stabbed, his body fat would give him an
extra layer of protection.

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Another was a young, Hassidic redheaded guy. I remember him on the
first day as being sort of closed-off and reserved. By the last day, I recall him
literally jumping for joy.
I remember another guy going up to the mic a few times, discussing
his horrible relationship with his father whom he hadnt spoken to for at least
ten years. Each time he went up, he went through yet another reason why
he refused to speak with his father. By the last day, not only had he called
his father on the phone; he had made plans to see his father for the first time
in decades.
Even Larry shared a bit of his own story. For such a successful, wellspoken guy, I was definitely shocked when he revealed that he didnt learn to
read until the age of ten.

After watching all these people experience major breakthroughs, I

decided that one of the major things I wanted to work on was my lack of
confidence with alopecia. I was nervous enough to speak one-on-one about
alopecia at all, so getting up in front of such a large room while on a
microphone felt very daunting.
By the middle of the second day, however, I was determined. During
the lunch break, I told a friend I had met, Danielle, that I really wanted to go
up to the mic, but was nervous to go. I didnt elaborate on what I wanted to
talk through. After returning from break, the next time the forum leader
invited people up to speak, Danielle urged me to go. Although I was nervous,
her enthusiasm and encouragement was enough to get me on my feet. I

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suddenly found myself waiting in line to speak at the mic, heart racing. But
my determination was enough to keep me in place.
As the line got shorter, my brain was so foggy with anxiety that I could
no longer hear what the people in front of me were saying. All I could think
about was what I was going to say, and how I would say it. This was my plan:
to go up to the mic, and to say as casually as possible: I have alopecia, and
sometimes I feel like it affects my confidence and relationships.
When I finally got to the mic, Im not sure a single person heard much
more than I have alopecia and as I began to choke up, started shaking,
and began crying the ugliest cry Ive probably ever committed. Did I mention
I hate crying in front of people? And yet, here I was doing two things I was
terrified to do: crying in front of people, and discussing alopecia, in front of
300 people. My reaction was so unexpected, even to me, that I was
completely frozen in place. Everything around me was a blur.
Larry gave me a few moments to regain my composure (which I never
really regained until at least another hour.) Then he pressed on.
You have alopecia? he clarified.
Still unable to speak, I nodded.
So youre wearing a wig?
I nodded again.
He did not even bat an eye when he said, So take it off.
I cannot imagine the shock that crossed my face as the little
composure I had regained at all completely evaporated. I put my hands over
my face, which was now feeling permanently pursed and scrunched up. All I
could do was shake my head no.

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Eventually, he let me off the hook. Sit down for now. But I know
youll be back up here later.
I wasnt so sure.
For the next half-hour or so, I sat in my seat with tears still streaming
down my face for no particular reason. I dont remember the exact words
used in the next segment, but the sentiment remains strong in my mind. The
main idea was: Why do we live our lives in fear of how other people will react
to us? I do not even want to attempt to describe it further, because I know
that it would not be even a fraction of how powerful the segment felt to me in
that moment. Thinking about going back up to the mic still made my heart
race. But I knew what I had to do, and I knew that now was the time to do it.
I didnt want my three days at Landmark to end before I allowed myself to
take this major step. I could no longer rely on the thought of some day. I
would claim confidence as my own, right then and there.
The next time people were invited to come up to the mic, I stood back
updetermined, but still terrified. When I got to the front of the room, I
hesitated for a moment, then completely shut down my mind
and took off the wig. My memory of this moment is almost hazy
because of how terrified I was. But I remember clearly that the entire
audience of 300 people stood up, applauding. My biggest fear of people
knowing I had alopecia was that they would see me a certain way. That they
would judge me. That my hair loss would be the only thing they saw. But
here I was, in front of 300 people, being applauded for what I had just done. I
remember standing there, a few tears still escaping my eyes, as I began to
laugh.

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At the next break, an overwhelming amount of people came up to me

to tell me that I had inspired them. It made me realize that I had been so
caught up in my own head thinking about how others would think of me if
they knew I had alopecia, while it had never even occurred to me that I could
use something that Id struggled with my entire life to actually inspire people.

That night, my dad picked me up from the train station. When I

finished telling him what had happened that day, we were both in tears. I felt
elated for the rest of the night, and for the next couple of days. I wanted to
share the feeling with everyone around me, but felt like my brain was
functioning in a new, alien way, and couldnt fully explain the feeling.
I know I wasnt the only one that experienced this sort of high, elated
feeling after the Forum. It was like a rush fueled by self-realization. Usually,
this sort of self-realization happens slowly over time, not in the span of three
days. I still laugh a little when I remember this quiet, older guy sitting behind
me say on the mic, Man, Ive tried a lot of drugs in my day. But this is better
than all of them.
In the days after the Forum, I felt energized, and felt a wave a
motivation I hadnt experienced in a while. I went for a jogwhich is already
pretty unusual for me. But when I went on this jog, I ditched the wig and
went with a beanie instead.
After about five days and much thought, I knew I had to consolidate
the progress Id made in my self-confidence regarding my alopecia. Although
it was terrifying to take my wig off in front of 300 people, something that got

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me through it was knowing that they were all strangers Id never see again. I
knew I had to take it to the next level: applying that breakthrough to people
in my daily life.
I wanted to tell as many people at once; but despite the bit of progress
Id made, I still feared talking about it face-to-face. My solution? The
Internet. I decided that I would make a Facebook status telling all my
Facebook friends that I had alopecia. I knew that if I did this, there was no
going back in my shell. I would announce it to (almost) everyone I knew, and
then deal with the consequences from there.
I typed up a statusnothing too long. It read something along the
lines of For those of you that dont know, I have alopecia. I no longer want
to treat it like a secret anymore. I waited almost an hour between typing up
the status, and actually posting it. Then, immediately after I posted it, I shut
my laptop and didnt open it again for at least another hour.
My mind wandered to all of the people that I knew would see it. Close
friends, distant acquaintances, family members. Any guy Id ever been on a
date with. But I especially thought about Jake, the guy Id been seeing for the
last couple of months. He was the first guy Id ever started to get even
remotely serious with, and we were getting to that point where my two
options were to tell him, or flee another relationship. Unfortunately, I robbed
myself of the experience of telling him in person. But if the alternative was
avoiding the relationship altogether, Im glad that he eventually found out,
even if it was through a Facebook status.
The next time I saw him, he told me he thought it was brave of me to
post that status. About a month later, we started dating. Admittedly, it took

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me another six months before I was able to take my wig off in front of him.
And then probably about a year before I was actually comfortable doing so.
But what Ive leaned from this whole experience is that change takes time.
Additionally, change doesnt just happen to you. Change happens in your life
when you take action, even if that action is spread out in little, tiny baby
steps. Every step forward is still going in the right direction, no matter how
small it may seem. Two years later, Jake and I are still dating. Regardless
how long the relationship will last, Im grateful that I didnt pass up such a
wonderful opportunity because I was so caught up in my own head.

Would I have ever come to this realization without Landmark? Id like

to think so. But I cant say how much longer it would have taken. All I know
is that, when I was 18, my biggest insecurity and obstacle in life was my fear
of people knowing that I had alopecia. Compare that with today: I have fun
changing my wigs all the time. Ive started a YouTube channel talking about
alopecia, and have even gotten the opportunity to be the spokesperson for
the wig company that has been my favorite since I was twelve. I have been
given the ability to take what has been an obstacle for so long, and turn it
into an opportunity to reach out and inspire others. The most important thing
I learned was how to step outside myself and put aside my imagination of
what people could be thinking about me, and to just be.