WEDDING SONGS IN BOTSWANA: A REFLECTION OF THE DYNAMICS OF

MARRIAGE, GENDER RELATIONS AND FAMILIAL CONFLICTS.

ROSALEEN OABONA BRANKIE NHLEKISANA

Submitted to the faculty of the University Graduate School in partial fulfillment of

the requirements for the degree
Doctor of Philosophy
in the Department of Folklore,
Indiana University
May 2005

UMI Number: 3167806

Copyright 2005 by
Nhlekisana, Rosaleen Oabona Brankie
All rights reserved.

UMI Microform 3167806

Copyright 2005 by ProQuest Information and Learning Company.
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Accepted by the Graduate Faculty, Indiana University, in partial fulfillment of the

requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy.

________________________________________
Beverly Stoeltje, (Chairperson), PhD

_________________________________________
Richard Bauman, PhD

Doctoral
Committee
________________________________________
John William Johnson, PhD

___________________________________________
Samuel Gyasi Obeng, PhD

___________________________________________
Ruth Stone, PhD

Date of Oral Examination May 28th 2004.

ii

 2005
Rosaleen Oabona Brankie Nhlekisana
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

iii

DEDICATION

In loving memory of my father Piet Petrus Moatlhodi Boe Molefi

and
my mother Pearl Patricia Kgakgamatso Molefi.

iv

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This has been a very long, tedious, and challenging but very emotionally and
intellectually stimulating journey. I am very happy that I have now come to the end of the
journey. Several individuals and organizations have helped and shaped this dissertation
from its embryonic stage to its birth. I am grateful to them all.
I am greatly indebted to members of my dissertation committee: Professors
Beverly Stoeltje, the Chair of this Dissertation Committee; Richard Bauman, John
William Johnson, Ruth Stone and Samuel Gyasi Obeng. I am grateful for their guidance,
comments, suggestions, time and unwavering support throughout the writing of this
dissertation.
In particular, I would like to express my sincerest and heartfelt gratitude and
appreciation to Professor Beverly Stoeltje, without whose guidance, mentorship, patience
I would not have been able to finish this project. Thank you very much for always being
there for me. You never gave up on me, when I faltered in my steps you were there to
pick me up and encourage me to trudge on. When I reached a dead-lock or brain-block,
you knew how to rejuvenate me. You were like a mother to me; you gave me your
shoulder to cry on when times were hard and overwhelming. Thank you very much.
This project would not have been successful without financial assistance. I am
grateful to the University of Botswana for sponsoring my doctoral studies. I am also
thankful to the African Studies Program at Indiana University, under the Directorship of
Professor John Hanson, for awarding me the Compton Peace Fellowship. The financial
assistance they provided me accorded me the opportunity to conduct an in-depth
investigation and analysis of the Setswana wedding songs. Additionally, I would like to

thank the Department of Folklore and Ethnomusicology and the Department of

Anthropology at Indiana University for awarding me Instructorship positions which
provided me with financial assistance at the most needed time. My appreciation also goes
to Lorenda Schrader, the Associate Director of the Office of International Services for
providing tuition for my last semester at Indiana University.
I am grateful to all the men and women of Mochudi and Sikwane who, despite
their tight daily schedules managed to participate in this research study. The roles they
played in this research; and the experiences, knowledge, they shared with me are second
to none. I would also like to express my gratitude to the families that allowed me to
attend, observe, tape and video record their wedding celebrations. Special gratitude is
also extended to the KRT choir for its stunning performance of several of the wedding
songs I used in this research study. Le ka moso ba ga etsho.
Several colleagues and friends have made significant contributions that helped me
formulate and organize my thoughts. They all have my sincere gratitude. Unfortunately,
I cannot mention each one by name. However, a few deserve special recognition for their
intellectual and emotional support. In particular, I would like to thank Dr. Theodore
Bouabre, Dr. Nolutho Diko, Dr. Stephanie Shonekan, Dr. Richard Wafula, Hannington
Ochwada, and Elizabeth MacMahon. A big thank you also goes to Andrew Molwane and
Anna Molosiwa, for their time and the valuable comments they made during my data
analysis stage. I would like to thank Kwame and Esther Dakwa, Dr. Patrick Efiom,
Muziwandile Hadebe, Poloko Lecha, Lebohang Lijane, Keneilwe Matlhaku, Thato
Molefi, Serefete Molosiwa, Mitchell Moncho and Lisele Raphuthi for their endless help,
emotiomal support and encouragement.

vi

Who would I be without my parents? My sincere and heartfelt gratitude goes to

my beloved parents, my father, the late Mr. Piet Petrus Moatlhodi Boe Molefi and my
mother, Mrs. Pearl Patricia Kgakgamatso Molefi. Thank you very much for always
believing in me. Thank you mom for your love, kindness, guidance, inspiration,
encouragement, and unwavering support.
I would also like to thank my siblings Dolly Monagen, Tiny Ntseane,
Barulaganye Seakgosing and Aupa Molefi and their families. Thank you all for your
prayers, encouragement, emotional and moral support. Thank you also for taking care of
our mother during the long period of my absence. Being so far away from home is not
easy at times but knowing that some people out there care and love you makes it a whole
lot easier. Chatting with you over the phone for all these years always left me motivated
and eager to continue and finish my studies. Thank you very much bonkgonne le
bonnake.
A special thank you goes to my husband Phila Nhlekisana. I know it has been
very hard for you to be a married but single man for all these years. Thank you very
much for your love, support, encouragement, understanding and patience.
In Setswana we say, moja morago ke kgosi, literally meaning the one who eats
last is a chief. I would like to thank my beloved children, Lebogang, Thuto and Thembiso
for their love, patience, understanding, and tolerance during the years when graduate
school and the writing of this dissertation appeared to be a priority. Thank you very much
bongwanaka. I love you all.

vii

ABSTRACT
Rosaleen Oabona Brankie Nhlekisana

WEDDING SONGS IN BOTSWANA: A REFLECTION OF THE DYNAMICS OF

MARRIAGE, GENDER RELATIONS AND FAMILIAL CONFLICTS.

Botswana, like many other developing countries, is undergoing rapid changes in

social and cultural forms due to the effects of modernization. My research takes account
of these changes on the wedding as a ritual and on the institution of marriage. Songs are
very important components in the folklore of Botswana as they accompany almost all
social activity. Every occasion in which people come together has particular songs for the
event, including work, weddings and funerals. This study explores the themes portrayed
in the wedding songs of the Bakgatla-ba-ga-Kgafela, paying particular attention to issues
of gender. This is done through an examination of the marriage process, the wedding
celebration as a social and ritual event, and the performance of the wedding songs,
precisely the role of the performers and audience. The dissertation also focuses on
familial or marital conflicts: the types and causes of these conflicts, how they are
resolved, and how they relate to the songs.
Data was collected through ethnographic field methods, specifically in-depth
interviews and participant-observation. Through attendance at weddings and interviews
with both men and women of varying ages I observed the performance of the songs in the
wedding ritual and elicited the views and opinions of individuals about the wedding
songs. The data was analyzed using thematic and gender theory. The major finding of this
study is that the weddings songs reflect the patriarchal nature of Botswana society and
express idealized messages about marriage and family; but the songs also focus on the

viii

realities of married life, identifying primary tensions in relationships and the source of
conflicts within the family.

ix

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 1...
Introduction : Songs as Expressive Medium

Chapter 2...
Bakgatla-ba-ga Kgafela: An Overview

18

Chapter 3...
Gender Relations and Marriage

37

Chapter 4...
The Wedding Celebration: A Village and Ritual Event

83

Chapter 5...
Wedding Songs: Love, Familial Relations and Roles

114

Chapter 6...
Wedding Songs: Womens Displacement and Bogadi

148

Chapter 7...
Familial Conflicts and Conflict Resolution

183

Conclusion..

224

Bibliography 231

CHAPTER 1
INTRODUCTION
Songs as an Expressive Medium
Songs are one of the most interesting genres of African oral tradition. They have a
sociological and an historical significance in their respective African cultural contexts.
The songs are strongly influenced and informed by the culture in which they are found.
Most African songs are transmitted orally from one generation to the other. In Africa,
songs are integrated with the experiences and everyday life activities of the people. For
example, there are songs for special occasions such as births, initiations, weddings and
funerals. Songs are also sung while performing daily chores such as, pounding, grinding,
and lulling a baby to sleep. Other songs comment on political, social and economic
issues. This shows that music is inseparable from human existence in Africa.
Furthermore, songs in African societies have a utilitarian value. For example, the
songs performed at marriage ceremonies mark the celebration of life of the man and
woman as they start a new life as husband and wife and as a family. The songs are also
used to communicate certain messages to the bride and groom thereby preparing them for
marriage life. In addition, songs constitute an aspect that people in Africa appraise their
social relations. Moreover, songs are valued because they are a privileged form of
expression (Mvula 1985) and they are a mirror of a peoples culture, beliefs and
values (Haruna 1999). In general, songs are a form of entertainment in Africa. But while
they are a form of entertainment, songs not only entertain but they are also didactic in
nature. They teach about what is socially and culturally acceptable and unacceptable in

the society. There are many songs that praise, critique, ridicule, inform, caution and
educate members of the society.
This dissertation explores the themes portrayed in Setswana wedding songs,
paying particular attention to issues of gender, in terms of the messages directed to the
newly wed. The study is intended to illuminate the relationship between wedding songs
and the societal gender roles, expectations and norms. This study seeks to explore
whether there is a discrepancy between the idealized message in the wedding songs and
the reality of the lives of the people in contemporary Botswana and if so why. Setswana
wedding songs are not just sung for entertainment purposes but rather they express
Setswana socio-cultural values, beliefs and norms. The attitudes of both men and women
of varying ages are investigated to understand their perspectives and opinions about these
songs. Therefore, the study will investigate the place of wedding songs in the larger
socio-cultural context. In addition, the study focuses particular attention on the
performance of the songs, the social context and the role of the performers and audience
during the performance. Given that Botswana is a patriarchal society, the study explores
how patriarchy is reflected in the wedding songs. Finally, Botswana like many other
developing countries is undergoing rapid changes due to urbanization and globalization.
My research also takes account of the effects of these changes on the wedding as a ritual
and on the institution of marriage.
Theoretical Framework
Theories of performance and gender provide a framework for this study.
Performance theorists argue that all social life is communicatively constituted. That is, as

people interact they create their own identities as individuals or as members of the group.
Wedding song performances give insight into the social realities as lived in Botswana.
A wedding celebration is an arena for multiple performances. These can be
performances of gender, status and even power; they are crucial sites for interaction
(Bauman 1989, Drewal 1992, Stoeltje 1992, Stone 1988). A wedding is an organized and
planned event: I argue that it is during the organization and planning of the wedding that
the above mentioned multiple performances become apparent. In addition, a wedding is a
ritual event. Beverly Stoeltje argues that the performance of the ritual event is, then, the
culmination of these forms in which participants, both the audience and performers come
together to achieve the purpose of the event (Stoeltje 1993). She further stresses the fact
that performance and rituals provide a home to and a stage for the exercise of power
(Stoeltje 1993: 135). A wedding is organized from the beginning to end and certain
personalities take charge of the events of the day. These people make decisions, give
instructions of what should and should not be done. Not everybody has the same power
on this day.
On the other hand Richard Bauman characterizes performance as scheduled,
temporally and spatially bounded heightened occasions available for the enhancement of
experience through the enjoyment of the intrinsic qualities of the performative display
(Bauman 1992: 42). This dissertation examines and reveals the multi-faceted nature of
the performance of Setswana wedding songs. Ruth Stone observes that through music,
dance, speaking, story-telling, gestures, action of puppets, humorous anecdotes, a
particular emotional tone, and movement of intricably carved masks, people engage in
performance (Stone 1988:3). Wedding songs are a performance in themselves.

There is a relationship between content (the meaning of the songs) and context
(the wedding celebration). The meaning of the songs arises from its context, from what it
communicates in the performance situation. The performance approach emphasizes the
importance of context and how any understanding of the text must be situated in the
context of its performance. My approach to the concept of performance in folkloristics is
focused on the following features of Setswana wedding song performance events: the
time and place of the communicative event, the singers and the audience.
The audience during the performance of wedding songs is composed of men,
women and children who may include parents, relatives, and invited guests, as well as the
bride and groom. There are no explicit rules that pattern the performance of weddings,
like the length of time given to a performer, or any preference as to who should perform.
Anyone among the audience participants may take part in the singing of the songs. The
audience can also react to the performance of the songs by clapping hands, dancing,
ululating, giving verbal remarks, to mention a few.
Research on African wedding songs and songs in general has shown that scholars
have not focused on the issue of performance of the songs. Some articles and books
mention this in passing, concentrating on issues like theme, function and types of songs.
According to Richard Bauman, a performance-centered conception of verbal art calls for
an approach through performance itself (Bauman 1984:8). Bauman argues that earlier
theories conceived of verbal art as understandable only through the text and because of
this approach their analyses focused on the text only. The performance approach
underscores the fact that verbal art is a form of communication, a way of speaking. The
interest of this study is in the content of the song texts and their performance that is, what

actually takes place during the performance. My concerns are; what are the peoples
thoughts and feelings about these songs; do they take heed of the words or meanings of
the songs, and if so how do they relate these to their everyday life situations? This
approach is important because songs have socio-cultural and historical significance,
therefore, they cannot be studied in isolation. Rather, they should be studied in relation to
the factors that have shaped the culture within which they are performed.
A wedding is an event that highlights gender roles and their disparity. It is a ritual
in which male and female jointly come together in matrimony. Gender is a culturespecific, inconsistent and variable precept that has more to do with social roles, age and
status. The traditional view of the male gender characteristics in Botswana emphasizes
power, strength, aggressiveness, competitiveness and logic while the female role involves
nurturing, cooperativeness and emotion. Cultural patterning shapes preferred behaviors
for boys and girls, men and women. This study seeks to investigate the messages
portrayed in the songs in relation to gender: what do the songs say to the bride or to the
groom or to both? In this regard, I will find out what issues are addressed in these songs
and how these issues are handled by members of the society. Therefore, it is important to
explore the perceptions of both men and women in order to find how they perceive these
songs. In addition, I am concerned with whether these songs have an impact on the lives
of individuals. In other words, what choices do individuals have or make in relation to the
messages of the songs.
Several studies have shown that wedding songs are solely performed by women
(Bichi 1985, Johnson 1988, Ma 1990, Stroebel, 1975, Sugarman 1997, Ziegler, 1990).
According to Abdu Yahya Bichi (1985), African wedding songs are performed mainly

but not exclusively by old women and girls. Generally, men do not compose or
participate in wedding songs. He also argues that though there is regional variation in the
texts, wedding songs have similar meaning and perform similar functions throughout subSaharan Africa. On the other hand, Jane Sugarman (1997) in Engendering Song: Singing
and Subjectivity at Prespa Albanian Weddings says that men and women sing in
segregated groups, in different locations, and their songs address different themes. In
contrast, the performance of Setswana wedding songs does not discriminate along gender
lines. The songs are performed by men and women, the young and the old and even
children. The songs are communal, that is, the same songs are known by almost
everybody in the society but there is room for variation and improvisation.
Furthermore, wedding songs are avenues through which the social and cultural
norms of the society are articulated. During a wedding celebration, various songs are
sung, and most, if not all of these songs echo the local societys expectations of the
married couple. Most of the songs are didactic in nature. They teach culturally and
socially acceptable values regarding marriage. Among the Hausa, for example, wedding
songs are generally believed to bring about conformity to the approved modes of
behavior regarding married life (Bichi 1985: 1). Most of the songs echo what is locally
accepted norms of behavior in the Setswana society, but I am asking whether people
behave and live according to these norms. My work shows that individuals can choose to
go according to the norm or to go against it. Botswana is undergoing rapid changes, and
these affect the way people live and the choices they make. Traditionally, the bride had to
live with her in-laws, thus subjecting her to the misery and the ever-prevalent conflicts
between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Nowadays married couples build their own

homes while others live and work in urban centers and this enables them to avoid such
conflicts.
Setswana society is patriarchal and emphasizes the importance of the man in the
family. From childhood, the female is dependent upon her father. When she gets married,
her father is no longer responsible for her; she is now placed under the care of her
husband. Part of the requirements of a marriage is for the man to give bogadi (brideprice)
to the womans family. Traditionally, this was viewed as a token of appreciation to the
brides family, since their daughter was going to leave them and join her husbands
family. However, these days some view it literally as buying a woman. There are varying
and contrasting views and opinions about the concept of bogadi in Botswana. I will
explore the differentially gendered perspectives of this issue and see how it is presented
in wedding songs and how it affects married couples lives.
Some African gender theorists have argued that women in sub-Saharan Africa are
ill treated and subordinated to male domination (Jama 1994, Mugambi 1994, Mwai 1998,
Ogede 1994). Some also argue that women use songs to challenge patriarchy and to
empower themselves (Agovi 1994, Mugambi 1997, Oppondo 1997). Though these
studies are useful, two major problems arise. First, they concentrated on womens issues
only, ignoring mens. Secondly, we do not know how songs relate to everyday life. By
focusing on performance and song meanings, this study places men and women at the
center of the research in order to provide insights into the peoples expression of social
relationships through musical performance. According to Sugarman (1997), as long as we
operate within gendered social worlds, gender is intrinsic to our musical performances,

and any musical performance is thus a performance of gender. Hence, gender and
performance are important theories in the study of Setswana wedding songs.
This study was conducted from a gender theoretical perspective. This theoretical
approach embraces the experiences of both men and women. It is particularly useful in
highlighting the different roles and responsibilities which society ascribes to the sexes in
society and which disadvantage women in families. Looking at gender as a social
construct means that gender is part of the large body of knowledge that each culture uses
to explain the world, structure social interaction, establish beliefs and attitudes, and
justify each social action (Ntarangwi 2003: 109). An analysis of the way gender is
constructed will enable us to understand how gender is lived, expressed, and constructed
in Botswana. These culturally ascribed roles determine the relationships that underlie
families. In addition, this approach addresses power relations and inequality among
family members which are a direct result of the cultural conception of male and female
(Women and Law in Southern Africa Research Trust [WLSA] 1998: 12-13). Since
gender roles are socially constructed it is important to consider how these can be
deconstructed so as to eliminate their oppressive elements.
Songs, Performance and Gender
To the best of my knowledge, no study has been done on Setswana wedding
songs, but there are a few publications on other types of Setswana traditional songs.
Elizabeth Wood (1976) focused on different types of songs such as initiation songs, work
songs and childrens play songs. In another study she focused on the use of metaphor and
scale patterns in Setswana traditional music (Wood 1983). In addition, Alnaes Kirsten
(1989) analyzed Herero texts and oral narratives which feature their past experiences. No

comprehensive analysis was done to incorporate aspects of gender and performance in

these studies.
A considerable amount of research and documentation focusing on womens
songs is available. The scholars who have worked on womens songs agree that womens
songs are used as a channel to express womens life experiences, such as their hopes,
aspirations, anger, and frustrations (Agovi 1986, Finnegan 1970, Gunner 1979, Joseph
1987, Mack 1986, Mugambi 1994, Mvula 1984, Mwai 1998). In most African societies,
women are mute, silenced by the authorities, but some scholars argue that through songs
women break out of this silence, empowering and enabling themselves to challenge the
status quo. Some of the issues discussed in womens songs include patriarchy, polygamy,
denial of education, and traditional male prejudices (Agovi 1994, Knappert 1972, Ogede
1994, Oppondo 1997).
Some work has also been done on African wedding songs. Johnston and Ntshinga
discuss the meaning and functions of Tsonga and Xhosa wedding songs respectively
(Johnston 1974, 1975, Ntshinga 1991). Tidiane Ndione (1996) argues that wedding songs
propagate the subordination of women by men, and reinforce the stereotypical attitudes
of the society towards women. Abdu Yahya Bichi (1985) examines wedding songs as
regulators of social control among the Muslim Hausa of Nigeria and Jan Knappert (1974)
discusses the didactic nature of wedding songs from Mombasa.
Unlike in other societies such as the Swahili, Arabs, Indians and Romanians,
(Kligman 1984, Knappert 1974, Mishael and Blessing 1993, Narayan 1986) where the
wedding and the performance of wedding songs is an exclusively womans activity, in
Botswana it is an open event in which men, women and children participate.

Furthermore, in some societies the bride takes part in the singing of the wedding songs,
whereas in Botswana the bride and groom are rendered mute on this day. They do not
sing but they are expected to dance to a few of these songs. Most of the time they are
spectators, watching the performance and listening to the songs.
Wedding songs have also been studied from different and diverse perspectives in
other parts of the world. Elizabeth Johnson (1988) discussed the analogy between bridal
and funeral laments in China. Henni Ilomaki (1994) and Kirin Narayan (1986) examined
North Karelian and Kangra wedding songs respectively. They argue that the wedding rite
detaches the bride from her family and attaches her to the grooms kin community
(Ilomaki 1994, Narayan 1986). In addition, Edwards and Katbamma (1989) argue that a
study of wedding songs helps to illuminate the social significance of marriage and
marriage rites within Gujarati society.
From the above discussion it is evident that songs have both a utilitarian and
aesthetic function in most African societies. In particular, women use songs as a medium
to express their thoughts, feelings, attitudes, aspirations and so forth. In the marital
context, women use songs to protest against their husbands, co-wives, and parents-in-law.
The songs also prepare the newly wed couple for their new roles as husband and wife by
expressing what is socially and culturally acceptable or unacceptable.
Methodology
For my research I used ethnographic methods because of their potential to elicit
information and also for bringing out the voices of my interviewees. Most of the data
collected in the study was through in-depth interviews. I conducted interviews with
individual members of the society such as married men and women of varying ages,

10

singers, and divorcees. These interviews were conducted in order to elicit information
about how a marriage is processed, about wedding songs and their meanings, marital
problems and how marital problems are resolved in this society. This method brought out
experiences and life situations of women and men pertaining to marriage.
When I went to the field I had no intentions of conducting group interviews. But,
when I approached some members of the community in Mochudi to interview them
individually, they insisted that I should conduct the interviews in a group. I used this
method in Mochudi only; in Sikwane I interviewed people individually. At first I was
uncomfortable because I thought some members of the group would be intimidated by
others. I was wrong. There was a freeflow of information. My informants were very
comfortable and free to express their views and opinions even if they differed with that of
the others. Individuals tended to be less inhibited, most probably because opinions and
views are put forward in a more general manner in a group. Also in group discussions,
ideas coming from one member could spark views from other members which might
have been left out in individual interviews. This method of data collection was a rich
source of information.
The group interviews were organized by liaising with the headmen of the wards I
visited. The wards were Mabodisa, Manamakgothe, Rampedi and Phapahe. These groups
consisted of men and women of the same ward. They were of varying ages though they
were all considered older members of the ward; they were of the same social status. I also
had group interviews with men and women separately. I usually did this after I had had a
mixed group interview in which some issues were presented as belonging to either the
male or female domain. These were follow-up interviews. This approach proved to be

11

very helpful because as much as the individuals felt comfortable to express their views
and opinions freely in a mixed group, somehow at times men dominated the discussion. I
thought this was also due to the fact that in Botswana men are socialized for the public
arena and women for the domestic arena. Therefore, men find it easier to speak in public
than women. In general I tried by all means to create a friendly atmosphere so that my
informants felt free to express their views and opinions openly.
It is important to note that there were problems encountered in securing
interviews with some informants: the kgosi (chief) and the dikgosana (headmen) and the
District Commissioner. It is not that they did not want me to interview them, rather it was
because of their tight schedules and demand in their jobs. Some of my appointments were
cancelled at short notice because something unexpected had come up. In some instances
people just forgot about the appointment. I would go to somebodys house as scheduled,
only to be told that he or she had gone to Gaborone or some place else. Frustrating as it
was, I also understood that people had their own lives and schedules and honoring an
interview appointment was last on their priority list.
I used the participant-observation method at wedding celebrations. I attended five
wedding ceremonies but video recorded only three. In addition to the video camera I also
collected data by means of a tape recorder and still camera. Data collected with the
different equipment complemented each other. For example, the non-verbal elements
missed by the tape recorder were captured by the video camera. In most cases I was an
observer at the wedding celebrations. I observed who is doing what at what time, how
people interacted, their reactions to the songs and verbal comments. I took down notes
where possible but in most cases I resorted to storing what I observed in my memory

12

until I got home and then made my notes. There were times when I also participated in
the singing and dancing as I knew most of the songs. I collected about twenty wedding
songs at wedding celebrations and during interviews. I interviewed the newlyweds, the
performers and members of the audience.
I transcribed and interpreted most of the data while I was in the field. I also used
the feedback interview technique (Stone and Stone 1978) because it allowed my
informants to talk about the occasion. This gave me the opportunity to go back to the
informants for clarification and explanation before coming back to Bloomington, Indiana,
in the United States to write the dissertation. Unfortunately, transcribing and translating
the song texts strips them of some of the technical features associated with live
performance, especially the sounds of music, the audience, the dance and the drama.
Thus, one can say that Setswana wedding songs and other songs in general are intended
for a listening and viewing audience rather than for a reading one (Haruna 1998: iv).
Botswana is a country that has the advantage of one national language. The
national language of Botswana is Setswana. My knowledge of the Setswana language and
customs enormously facilitated my field research while I was engaged in fieldwork.
Charles Briggs has argued that communicative competence is necessary in conducting
fieldwork (Briggs 1986: 42-43) and as a native speaker trained in the Folklore Institute, at
Indiana University, I had that competence and used it effectively during my fieldwork.
Moreover, within Baumans definition of context of meaning, I had the advantage of
having a background which was necessary to understanding the content, meaning and
the point of an item of folklore as the people understand it (Bauman 1983: 363).

13

However, one cannot claim to know all about ones own culture and customs. I did not
need an interpreter while in the field.
In addition, scholars who have done research in their own societies have explored
the role of personal experience and its effects on the fieldwork process (see NajeraRamirez 1998, Narayan 1997, Ntsilele, 1991, Okpewho 1992, Stoeltje 1999, Yankah
1995). I am also aware of differences in class and gender in my society. I believe that
researchers cannot completely isolate themselves from the research process because they
are part and parcel of the society they research. It concedes that research begins from and
builds on the experiences, interests, knowledge and biases of the researchers themselves
on the subject. I also believe that my intimate experiences of living in the Setswana
culture, my personal observations and communication with members of the society have
contributed to the structure and content of this study.
Research Site
I carried out the research in Mochudi and Sikwane villages. I chose these two
villages because I am familiar with the places, the cultural norms and beliefs of these
villages. Another factor that influenced my choice was proximity of these villages to my
home village. Due to the short distance, I was able to drive to my research sites in the
morning and come back in the late afternoon or evening. Generally, Bakgatla are well
known for their profound singing abilities. As Elizabeth Wood succinctly says:
The vocal music is still strong although the occasions and opportunities
for singing may have lessened. Great vigor and joy is expressed in singing.
The reluctant singer is virtually unknown, as is the singer with intonation
problems. There is the ability to harmonize readily and great flexibility
and interchange from song to song in the part chosen to be sung. (Wood
1976:189-221)

14

Contribution to Knowledge
This study will be a contribution to the existing but limited literature on African
wedding songs. I interviewed women as well as men because in most cases women have
been left out or silenced in folklore scholarship. Presently, there is an imbalance in the
existing literature about men and women. In addition, I interviewed men and women of
different age groups in order to solicit their views, opinions and perspectives in relation
to wedding songs. The interaction between men and women is very important but is
presently lacking in folklore scholarship. This study will also contribute to the existing
literature by considering how gendered views may be affected by age.
Scholars have concentrated on the functions and meanings of the songs by
analyzing only their texts, without taking into consideration how these songs are
performed. This study will contribute to the understanding of Setswana wedding songs by
taking into consideration the socio-cultural context of the performance, the views and
perceptions of members of the society and the relationship between the content and the
context of these songs. It will promote a more complex theoretical understanding of the
wedding songs by explaining a poetics that includes the peoples own statements about
Setswana wedding songs. It will also increase an understanding of verbal art and its
position in contemporary Botswana society. Furthermore, this study will enhance the
scholarly understanding of life in Botswana by answering the question of whether there is
a discrepancy between the idealized message in the wedding songs and the reality of the
lives of the people. Finally, it will highlight the socio-economic and cultural issues in
Botswana and show how these affect individual lives, gendered perspectives and, the
institution of matrimony.

15

Outline of Chapters
Chapter 2 introduces the people among whom the research was undertaken. It
gives a brief historical background of the Bakgatla-ba-ga-Kgafela, that is, their origin and
migration into present day Botswana. The chapter also describes the socio-cultural life of
the Bakgatla and finally gives a brief description of Mochudi and Sikwane, villages.
Chapter 3 discusses gender relations and marriage in Africa, with a focus on Botswana.
This chapter helps us understand the institution of marriage and how it is appropriated in
the Botswana cultural context. The chapter also discusses the marriage process among the
Bakgatla. It describes the procedure that has to be followed before a marriage can take
place. The chapter also discusses the different types of solemnization of marriages,
namely, at the kgotla, at the District Commissioner and at church. Chapter 4 discusses the
wedding celebration. That is, what actually takes place on a wedding day and how do
Bakgatla celebrate a wedding? A wedding celebration is a culmination of feasting,
singing and dancing. This chapter leads us to Chapter 5 and 6 both of which analyze the
themes portrayed in the wedding songs of the Bakgatla. Close attention is paid to the
performance of the songs and to issues relating to gender. In addition, the chapter
addresses the questions, what can we learn from the songs about married life in
Botswana, and is there a discrepancy between the idealized messages in the songs and the
reality of the lives of the people in contemporary Botswana. The last chapter deals with
familial conflicts in Botswana. It explores the types and causes of these conflicts and how
they are resolved. Do wedding songs address issues of conflict and conflict resolution?
Civil cases are used to exemplify and examine how familial conflicts are resolved among
the Bakgatla.

16

CHAPTER 2
Bakgatla-ba-ga Kgafela: An Overview
The intention of this chapter is to give a brief overview of the Bakgatla-ba-gaKgafela. This overview will take into consideration the more important aspects such as
the history, geographical location of the villages where the research was carried out,
Bakgatlas socio-economic and cultural life. This background covers only the areas that I
presume are significant to the understanding of marriage and the wedding songs analyzed
in this dissertation.
Historical Background
Historical sources indicate that the Bakgatla-ba-ga-Kgafela migrated from the
Transvaal around 1870. The name Kgatla is borne by several different groups of Sotho
origin inhabiting the central and western districts of the Transvaal and the south-eastern
part of Bechuanaland Protectorate (Sillery 1952:149). Early in the seventeenth century
the Bakgatla who had been living near Rustenburg in South Africa split up. The first and
largest group under Thabane moved away to the north. Then the remainder, under his
elder brother, Mogale, moved eastwards to a place near Pretoria still in South Africa.
Mogales son Matshege, had a daughter named Mosetlha by his first wife and a son
named Kgafela by his second wife.
After Matsheges death about 1650 the ethnic group was divided on the question
of succession, some arguing that Mosetlha being the daughter of the first wife should take
over while others refused to accept a woman as a chief and supported Kgafela. In the end
the ethnic group was split into two, some Bakgatla followed the daughter, Mosetlha,
while others followed the son, Kgafela (Ramsay, Morton & Mgadla 1996, Sillery 1952,

17

Tlou 1984,). The two groups came to be known as Bakgatla-ba-ga-Mosetlha and

Bakgatla-ba-ga-Kgafela being named after their leaders Mosetlha and Kgafela
respectively. The former remained in the Hamanskraal district of the Transvaal whereas
the latter moved and settled in the Bechuanaland Protectorate, with their capital at
Mochudi (Sillery, 1952: 149).
Bakgatla-ba-ga-Kgafela lived in the Pilanesburg region of the Transvaal for
generations before they fell under Boer rule in the 1840s. Thereafter, kgosi Kgamanyane
was forced to send his men to work without pay on Boer farms. He also had to send men
to fight in Boer wars against other still independent Africans (Ramsay, Morton &
Mgadla, 1996: 108). In 1869 Kgamanyane told his people not to give free labor to the
Boers. The Boers replied by having him flogged publicly. In 1870 Kgamanyane and
several thousands of his people left the Transvaal and settled at Mochudi which was a
Bakwena territory then. Actually, Mochudi is named after the Kwena chief of that time
(Ramsay, Morton & Mgadla 1996: 27). In 1874 Kgamanyane died as a result, it is
believed, of the beating (Tlou 1984: 145).
After Kgamanyanes death in 1875 the Bakgatla and Bakwena engaged in a
number of wars. First, they had to drive Bakwena away after they had been pestered for
land. Then, there were attacks from across the border which kept Bakgatla on their toes
most of the time. Peace was finally and permanently restored in the region in 1881
(Ramsay, Morton & Mgadla: 108-114). This study is about Bakgatla-ba-ga-Kgafela who
live in the Kgatleng District in present day Botswana. They will be referred to as
Bakgatla throughout this dissertation because that is how they are normally addressed.

18

Geographical Location
Mochudi
Mochudi is the capital of the Kgatleng District. It is situated in the southeastern
part of Botswana approximately 45 kilometres north of Gaborone, the capital city of
Botswana. Mochudi is also the home of the Paramount Chief of the Bakgatla, Kgosi
Linchwe II. Due to his appointment as President of the Customary Court of Appeal in
Gaborone he had to appoint a regent to perform his duties while he was away. The regent
of the Bakgatla during my research was Kgosi Mothibe Linchwe. The headquarters of the
Bakgatla tribal administration are also in Mochudi. In addition, the local government
administration maintains its offices there and the Paramount Chief has a very important
and respected role among his people. Both are aware of the others unique province and
their affairs are coordinated accordingly (Wood 1976: 189). According to Botswana
Population and Housing Census of 2001, the total population of Mochudi was 36 962,
with males totaling 16 803 and females 20 159 (2001, Botswana Population and Housing
Census).
Mochudi is a well developed village. There is running water and electricity in the
village and the main roads are tarred. Mochudi also houses a library, a museum, a
hospital, primary and secondary schools, churches, clinics and shops. There are five main
wards in Mochudi: Kgosing, Mabodisa, Morema, Tshukudu and Manamakgothe. Each of
these wards has a headman who administers the affairs of his ward. But, the Paramount
Chief oversees the affairs of the whole village and district. When issues cannot be
resolved at the ward level they are referred to the main kgotla at Kgosing ward.

19

Sikwane
Sikwane is approximately 97 kilometres north east of Gaborone. According to
Botswana Population and Housing Census of 2001, the population of Sikwane was 1585,
with males totaling 767 and females 818 (2001, Botswana Population and Housing
Census). The chief of the village is Kgosi Moshampi Pilane. Like all other chiefs in the
other villages he is under the jurisdiction of the Paramount Chief. Sikwane has five
wards: Kgosing, Mading, Mabudisa, Tshukudu and Masiana. It is a small village but it is
well developed too. There are schools, a clinic, and shops. The village also has
electricity, running water and a tarred road that runs through the village from Mochudi to
the Sikwane border post. Sikwane is called one of the river villages of the Kgatleng
district because together with about four other villages they are very close to the
Madikwe River, which is a tributary of the Groot Marico River in South Africa. There is
a border post between South Africa and Botswana at Sikwane. This facilitates travel
between the two countries, more so because people have relatives across the border. The
proximity of the border has also led to a high rate of labor migration to South Africa from
the village. Most men work in the gold mines of South Africa and most women work as
domestic workers in South Africa. It is also common for young men and women to go
and work as farm laborers in South Africa. This has consequently resulted in intermarriages between South Africans and Bakgatla.
There is a remarkable blending of the traditional and modern, old and new in
Mochudi and Sikwane. For example, there are traditional and modern houses in both
villages. The traditional houses are made of mud and are thatched with grass. Usually
there are several houses in the compound to accommodate all members of the extended

20

family. Some are used for storing food and cooking inside during the rainy season. The
modern houses are made of bricks and cement, and their roofing is either corrugated iron
or tiles. Some homes have both types of houses in the compound. In addition both the
nuclear and extended type of families are found in the two villages. This situation is not
unique to these villages; it is a common phenomenon throughout Botswana.
Socio-Economic and Cultural Life
Bakgatla like other ethnic groups in Botswana are a patrilineal society. Normally
a man belongs to the same ethnic group as his father, and remains there for life. But every
ethnic group has a population of mixed origins. An ethnic group is not a closed group,
membership of which is permanently fixed by birth; it is, rather, an association into
which people may be born, absorbed by conquest, or enter of their own accord, and from
which, again, they may depart voluntarily or be expelled (Schapera and Comaroff 1991:
29).
One way of distinguishing peoples ethnicity in Botswana is through their totems.
Totems are usually wild animals. A totem is an object of honor, veneration, avoidance
and praise. People should not kill or eat their totem, nor touch its skin; should they do so
inadvertently, they must undergo a purification ceremony to avoid illness or other
misfortune. Totem groups are patrilineal but non-exogamous.
The totem of the Bakgatla is the kgabo (monkey). However, because an ethnic
group is not a closed group as explained above, there are people with different totems
among the Bakgatla. For example, there are people whose totem is thakadu (ant bear) and
kwena (crocodile). It is considered polite to address or greet a person by the name of

21

his/her totem. Bakgatla address each other as kgabo or sedibelo. Therefore, a totem also
functions as a form of identification for members of a group.
Metse (villages) in Botswana are divided into dikgotla or dikgoro (wards). A
ward is a patrilineal but non-exogamous body of people forming a distinct social and
administrative unit under the leadership and authority of a hereditary headman
(Schapera and Comaroff 1991: 39). Each ward has a kgosana (headman), who is usually
a member of the royal family. According to Makwinja, Molwane, and Segobye (2000)
dikgosana have important political and judicial roles. They are responsible for the daily
running of their wards and provide a vital political link between the kgosi (chief) and the
people in their wards. They discuss important matters pertaining to the welfare of the
ward with other men of the ward in the lekgotla (council). They also try minor civil cases
assisted by a council of elders. Most of the dikgosana described themselves to me as
arbitrators in family matters. They also told me that when they cannot resolve the dispute
they refer it to the main kgotla.
In the past the family compounds in each ward were built in a semicircle facing
the kgotla. But, the physical arrangement of wards has changed over the years.
Makwinja, Molwane and Segobye (2000) observed that:
As the centre of the village has become congested, some families
belonging to these wards have moved to the outskirts of the village where
there is more space. This means the wards have become mixed up and it is
more difficult to identify one ward from another. In times of marriage or
bereavement members of the ward play a very important role because they
help with the cooking and all related chores for the occasion (63).

Bakgatla like most Batswana are agro-pastoralists and migrant workers. Due to
the agro-pastoralist lifestyle, they tend to have three homes, namely, motse (village),

22

masimo (lands) and moraka (cattle post). The lands are usually a distance away from the
village, some are one to several hours of walking distance from the village residence
while others may be very far, thus transportation is needed to reach them. The main crops
are sorhgum, maize, millet, beans, sweet reed and watermelons.
In Botswana, the ploughing season starts with the first rains, usually in
November. Most families then move from the village to the lands, where they remain
until the end of the harvest season in June or July. In the past there was a clear division of
labor between men and women at the lands. The men broke the soil, using ox-drawn
ploughs. They would then plant the seed by hand. The women and girls took out the
weeds with hoes; and, when the corn and sorghum started seeding, their chore was to
drive the birds away. When the ears were ripe they were harvested by hand with knives.
The threshing of the corn and sorghum was done on a specially-prepared floor of
hardened earth; sometimes oxen were used, but normally women beat out the corn with
heavy wooden flails. It is then winnowed, ashed to keep away weevils, put in bags, and
transported on wagons or sledges to the familys home in the village. There it is stored in
granaries; these consist of large earthen bins kept in the open courtyard and mounted on
stones for protection against white ants (Schapera and Comaroff 1991: 16). After all this
the family then moves back to the village to consume their produce until the next
cultivating season.
There has been a tremendous change in the methods of farming practiced in
Botswana. Nowadays people use tractors for ploughing. Those who have tractors hire
them to members of the village who pay a small fee for the services rendered. There are
also machines for winnowing which people rent out. In addition, there are a number of

23

milling companies in Botswana. The introduction of this technology has helped to reduce
the load of work that women do at the lands. Traditionally, women and girls had to pound
sorghum to produce sorghum meal. Nowadays, very few people use the pestle and mortar
to make sorghum meal; instead, they buy packaged ones from the shops.
The staple food of Botswana is sorghum meal. Sorghum is also used to make the
traditional beer. Since it is women who take care of the crops, they are also responsible
for cooking the food and making the traditional beer. In most celebrations such as
weddings the two are considered very important parts of the menu. If these are not served
people become very angry and disgruntled.
Unlike the masimo, the moraka is usually far away from the village. The moraka is
where the cattle and other livestock such as goats and sheep are kept. The cattle post is a
place for men because they are responsible for taking care of the livestock whereas the
lands are usually the womens domain. Cattle are the most important animals to
Batswana. They can be raised in areas which are too dry for farming, because cattle just
need grass and water for survival. Due to the scarcity of surface water in Botswana most
people dig boreholes and wells to provide drinking water for their livestock. Schapera
and Comaroff (1991) point out that:
During the dry season the cattle are herded daily, for they need to be
watered, and at night they are usually shut in the kraals to prevent them
from straying; but in the rainy season they are left unattended. They are
not stall fed, nor is fodder grown specifically for them; after the harvest,
however, they are usually taken to graze on the stubble in the fields (18).

In the past, cattle at the cattle post were looked after by the young males of the
family. These days people employ herdsmen to look after their cattle because their
children attend school. But some still go to the cattlepost during the school holidays. The

24

cattle owners usually go to the cattlepost during holidays such as Easter and Christmas
holidays and at the end of the month to check on their livestock, bring food for the cattle
and to pay the herd boys.
Cattle are the most important animals to Batswana. They are not only a sign of
wealth but they are also a source of food because they provide people with milk and
meat. They are also given as bogadi (brideprice) by the boys family to the girls family.
Their skin is used to make mats and sandals. In the past when parents had to pay school
fees for their children they sold their cattle to pay the fees and buy whatever was
necessary for school. In addition, the traditional doctors use bones of cattle for divination
paraphernalia. Batswana sell their cattle to the Botswana Meat Commission or to
businessmen who own butcheries in exchange for money so that they can buy food,
clothes, build houses and so forth. In Botswana a mans wealth is judged by the number
of cattle he owns.
When there is a ceremony at the household, it is the responsibility of the men to
slaughter a cow and cook the meat. They are the experts in the preparation of a traditional
delicacy called seswaa. Men cook seswaa for wedding celebrations and funerals. Men
also decide which animals are to be given as bogadi.
To supplement farming income, many Bakgatla work for wages. They work as
domestic workers, cattle-herds, shop-hands and so forth. Some work in the formal sector
as teachers, nurses, lawyers, agriculturalists etc. There is still quite a number of people
who work in the gold mines and in various jobs in South Africa, such as being farm
laborers and domestic servants. Most of the people who migrate in search of jobs are not
educated or have limited education. Most of them are young able-bodied men; regardless

25

of their marital status. Women also migrate but their numbers are smaller than those of
males. Labor migration has advantages and disadvantages. The export of labor has
become an outstanding feature of the modern economy. Without the income that it
produces, Batswana could not possibly maintain their present standards of living. On the
other hand, farming and other local activities have been adversely affected by the drain
upon domestic labor resources; the stability of the family is being weakened by the
prolonged absence of husbands and the associated infidelity of the wives, and the men on
their return show less respect for traditional authorities and obligations (Schapera and
Comaroff : 25).
To appreciate why people marry the way they do, it is necessary to understand
their social and kinship organization (Schapera 1941, 1964). Setswana society has
specific gendered roles that it assigns to males and females. Therefore, gender roles and
relations are situated within the kinship system. The kinship system also contains the
most change resistant aspects of social organization. Leela Dube (1997) argues that
differences in kinship systems and family structures account for some critical
differences among societies in the ways in which gender operates (Dube 1997: 2). A
critical analysis of how gender roles are conceived and enacted in the Setswana society
will help us understand the often bafflingly complex and subtle differences in the quality
of gender relations (3). Men and women are responsible for the maintenance and
reproduction of the social system.
The Family in Botswana
In Botswana, the village is the basic unit of social organization. The smallest unit
in the village is the family. The family is a social group that you join when you are born.

26

It is also one of the smallest groups that you are likely to belong to. Some families are
made up of only a parent and child. Others are made up of ten or more people. All people
who belong to a family are called losika (relatives). They can be related by blood,
marriage, adoption or by assimilation (Makwinja, Molwane and Segobye 2000: 55).
When a woman gets married, she becomes a member of a new family. But she still
retains a link with her kinship. The families of the married couple are linked and become
relatives by marriage. There are three types of family forms that are identified and
recognized in Botswana, these are the extended, nuclear and single-parent forms of
family. The types of families are discussed below.
The extended family include grandparents their sons and daughters and their
spouses, and their grandchildren. In most cases members of the extended family may live
in the same compound or in compounds in close proximity to each other. But, because
the villages are expanding at a very fast pace, it is not unusual to find members of the
extended family living on the other side of the village. The extended family is slowly
being replaced by the nuclear and the single-parent family, although these families often
keep in touch with their extended families, (Molwane, Makwinja and Matsheka 2000).
Traditionally, when a young man married, he brought his wife home to join the rest of the
extended family. They would usually live in the same compound with cousins, uncles and
aunts, nephews and nieces, all under the care, headship and guidance of the grandparents.
Customarily, Bakgatla practice patrilocal residence in which the homestead
comprises the eldest male member, his wife, his unmarried brothers and sisters, married
sons with their wives and children, unmarried daughters as well as other blood relations
and even more distant relatives. This kind of arrangement had advantages and

27

disadvantages. Kinship ties in this set up are very important. Members of the family are
expected to support and help each other in times of happiness and sorrow. It also creates
a spirit of solidarity between members. By the same token it can create animosity and
jealousy between members especially daughters-in-law. With time and as a result of
several factors, however, some of these persons who were formerly members of an
extended family household have dispersed and no longer occupy a single homestead. For
example married sons together with their wives and children, build their homes some
distance from the main homestead. Though not all members live together in a single
homestead in this situation they are still close enough to participate in common
endeavors, with the eldest senior male continuing to be the final authority in certain
family matters.
The nuclear family is usually small, composed of parents and their children. It is a
typical result of the changes that have taken place in the Setswana society. The Setswana
nuclear family still keeps close links with extended relatives even though they may be
living in different places. The nuclear family usually has its own compound separate from
the rest of the extended family even if they live in the same area. We should note,
however, that what is found in Botswana is not strictly the typical nuclear family as
defined earlier. There are always other relatives who may from time to time reside with
the family as and when the need arises. This phenomenon is referred to as the
contracting and expanding family (WLSA 1998: 28).
The other type of family is the single-parent family. This type of family is
becoming very common in Botswana. In this type of family one parent usually the
mother heads the family. There are several reasons for the occurrence of this type of

28

family: death of one partner, divorce, or desertion. Other factors include labor migration
to the mines in South Africa, and having children out of wedlock. Some women prefer to
have a child and stay single rather than get married especially if they are financially
independent. In Botswana, these types of families are known as female-headed
households.
Functions of the Family
The foremost function of the family is providing love, care and support for the
children. Parents work hard to provide their children with the basic necessities in life
which are food, shelter and clothing. The family is also the chief agent of socialization;
therefore, one of the functions of the family unit is to prepare the young for the diverse
roles they will play in their lives. In the family, children are taught the values and
customs of their community. The task of socialization is said to be the duty of the entire
family, however women typically are responsible for the majority of roles into which the
child is socialized. The family also plays a central role in preserving and transmitting
cultural values from generation to generation. The family can be seen as contributing to
the stability and continuity of societies and the welfare of all its members as a whole.
Those who maintain this view see family as being important in minimizing the social ills
which are now common in societies as a result of the drastic loosening of family ties.
This is because family, on top of being an institution that benefits societies, also takes
care of the individual. It can offer to its members shelter, security and protection from the
hardships of the outside world. It can be a place of nurturing and personality building.
Another function of the family is the provision of nonmaterial things like the provision of

29

closeness, warmth, love and openness. This function is very important and is the main
ingredient of keeping a family together (WLSA 1998: 42).
Changes in the Family
Setswana families like all families worldwide have not been static. They have
undergone constant changes as a result of changing socio-economic factors. As pointed
out earlier, the most typical form of family in Botswana is the extended family. However,
the rise of urban centers and the need to secure gainful employment has resulted in some
family members moving out of the extended family circle through migration from the
rural to urban centers. Life in urban centers has the tendency to modernize and change
peoples values and lifestyles which in turn seriously alters family forms (WLSA 1998:
28). For example, the traditional authority of older members over the young diminishes.
This has affected family solidarity. It has also led to the break up of the large extended
family and is largely responsible for the increasing trend of smaller family units. A
family is also responsible for helping members by providing for their needs. Members are
expected to assist each other in preparations of family functions such as wedding
celebrations and funerals and to attend the ceremonies. Finally, the family has a
collective responsibility of solving family problems; they meet to discuss and resolve
disputes when invited by a proper authority within the family.
The Setswana word for family is lolwapa which comprises the nuclear or
extended family. Lolwapa also refers to the structure of the homestead, including the
houses in it. In traditional homes a four-cornered mud wall was built that formed an
enclosure around the houses. The hearth, found in the far corner of the lolwapa, is where
cooking and other domestic chores are carried out by the female members of the family.

30

It is the responsibility of women to keep the lolwapa very neat and beautiful by
replastering it with mud mixed with cow dung from time to time. They also decorate it
and the houses by making artistic designs with cow dung on the outside walls, this is
known as lokgapo.
The word lolwapa also encompasses the concept of home in addition to
comprising the family and the homestead. The lolwapa is of prime importance to every
woman and maturing daughter. They have to ensure that the lolwapa is swept and kept
clean at all times. This is because it is the place where visitors are welcomed and
sometimes sit for the duration of their visit. Batswana regard an untidy lolwapa
negatively; they see it as a reflection of an untidy and lazy wife. The importance of the
lolwapa is well explained by Ntsihlele (1998) who says that in Lesotho:
In times of disputes and an impending divorce, the lolwapa plays an
important role venue because other than the home of the couple who need
advice, the venue for discussion could be the lolwapa of one of the male
members of the head of the husbands patrilineal group, that is, his
paternal uncle (ntatemogolo or rrangwane). These men have an interest in
the traditional laws pertaining to marriage and divorce (Ntsihlele 1998: 5).
The above statement holds true for Botswana too. In the Setswana cultural
context before a dispute can be taken outside the confines of the home members of the
family try to resolve it at home first.
In the past, the household was a unit of reproduction, production, consumption
and socialization. For example, each household produced its food and did its own
housework. Men, women and children all contributed in one way or the other. Today the
social and economic organization of the household, its institutional forms and morality
has changed. Earlier functions, such as, traditional division of labor, allocation of
resources etc have been upset and existing norms and values are challenged.

31

Traditionally men were the heads of households. They, and the boys, looked after
the cattle, did the hunting and ploughing, while women and girls did the household
chores and looked after the fields after the ploughing. This included weeding and scaring
birds. Women and girls also looked after babies and young children as well as old and
sick people. Women had little or no power in the extended family and any decisions were
made after consultation and consent from male relatives. Prior to industrialization and
urbanization, the family acted as a unit of production. However, now it has to face the
demands of a modern and competitive world. This has also brought about changes in
family roles. It is not unusual to find women doing jobs that were initially assigned to
men and vice versa.
Batswana like other Africans are traditionally family oriented. The extended
family and not the nuclear family is the basic social unit. Respect for elders, cohesion,
unity and solidarity are values held dear by most Africans. The discussion below shows
that a person does not belong to his or her mother and father alone. He or she is the child
of a whole community of people. Members of the extended family have a role to play in
the life of the individual.
The grandfather is regarded as the head of the whole family; he is also a source of
wisdom. All family matters are under his guidance and supervision; no final decision on
any important family issue could be taken without his consent. In the past he was
responsible for the allocation of property for inheritance to family members. On the other
hand, the grandmother had the responsibility of passing on the family history to the
children. She also told them stories in the evenings; most of which had moral lessons.
With the disappearance of the extended family, the roles of the grandparents are

32

changing. Most do not head extended families any more, as married couples prefer to
raise their children in their own homes. Oyomoyela (2002) asserts that grandmothers who
in the past derived a measure of importance and a sense of purpose from looking after
their grandchildren, can no longer play that role, because their children move to the cities
with the grandchildren and send them to kindergartens and daycare (Owomoyela 2002:
103). A similar sentiment is expressed by Ntsihlele when she says complex roles which
the older men and women played, and who were the reservoir of knowledge and
traditional education, could no longer serve as models. Their roles were discarded and the
teachers coming from mission schools took their places (Ntsihlele 1991: 23). The above
sentiments were expressed by my informants in Mochudi and Sikwane. They attributed
this problem to education and technology. They argued that children no longer want to
listen to stories; they prefer to watch television or to read.
In addition, borangwane (paternal uncles) used to help run the extended
household, taking responsibility for it if the grandfather was absent. Rangwane is like a
father and can serve as one in the absence of the latter. He represents the latter during
ceremonies such as marriage. He heads the delegation of those who go to ask for the hand
in marriage of the bride to be, if it is his nephew who is getting married. On the other
hand, if his niece is getting married, it is his reposnibility to welcome those who have to
come to ask for her hand in marriage. He is also to help resolve family disputes.
Bomalome (maternal uncles) used to help organize the marriages of their sisters
children. When nephew gets married, malome has to be part of the delegation that goes to
ask for the hand in marriage of the prospective bride. Traditionally, he had to contribute a
cow to be slaughtered on that day and to provide other foods such as sugar, bread and

33

traditional beer. He also helps take care of the some expenses related to the wedding.
When his niece is the bride to be, he is often the spokesman of the family in front of the
grooms envoy. This should not be understood as him having absolute control of the
wedding because actually he only verbalizes what the paternal uncles have agreed on.
Furthermore, malome is charged with the responsibility of ensuring that peace and
harmony prevails in his nephews or nieces homes. In times of trouble in the marriage one
is supposed to report the matter to malome. In this way he is the one who tries to resolve
conflicts of his nephew or nieces household. The above shows the importance of the
maternal uncle in the life of his nephews and nieces.
Furthermore, rakgadi (paternal aunt) played an important part in the marriage
preparations of her brothers children. Like the rangwane and malome, she has to be part
of the delegation that goes to ask for a girls hand in marriage. During weddings she is in
charge of the ceremony and leads all the rituals the bride performs. Traditionally, she is
supposed to be present when the bride chooses her wdding gown but these days most
brides to be ignore this custom. She should also be present when the bride wears her
wedding gown on the wedding day. This is because the wedding gown is the
responsibility of the boys family. When her nephew gets married, she leads the
delegation that takes the betrothal gifts to the brides home, although these are usually
carried by nkoko or mmamalome (maternal uncles wife). She is responsible for giving
her niece advice about married life.
The role of mmangwane (maternal aunt) was not as important, but she represented
the mother in the marriage preparations. She is like a mother. She is given the respect
owed to a mother and she replaces the latter during betrothal ceremonies. She is also part

34

of the delegation that either goes to ask for the hand of a bride to be or to receive those
who come to ask for her nieces hand in marriage. Mmangwane also accompanies the
bride when she is taken to her husbands home because by custom the mother cannot go.
The above shows the importance of the extended family in the life of individuals in the
Setswana culture. It verifies the fact that a child does not belong to his or her mother and
father only, but rather to a whole community of people.
With this brief background of the Bakgatla through their history, geographical
location, the socio-economic and cultural life and the social atmosphere, we will examine
the procedures they follow before a marriage is finalized.

35

CHAPTER 3
Gender Relations and Marriage.
Because wedding songs are a part of the marriage process, I will devote my
attention to gender relations and marriage in this chapter. Marriage is one of the most
important institutions in which gender ideology is produced and reproduced. It is
fundamental for the construction of gender identity and sexuality. It is also a mechanism
through which productive relationships, rights and obligations are established. It is not
possible to talk about marriage without understanding gender relations. A significant
body of scholarly literature has attempted to analyze gender relations in African societies.
In this chapter I will discuss the literature that is relevant to gender relations in Africa and
Botswana in particular. A discussion of this nature will help us understand the institution
of marriage in the Botswana cultural context.
Gender
Gender is a social and cultural construction which permeates all levels of society
from the domestic to the global realm. Gender is a relational concept that denotes the way
in which women and men are differentiated and ordered in a given sociocultural context.
According to Meena (1992), gender refers to a structural relationship of inequality
between men and women as manifested in labor markets and in political structures, as
well as in the household. It is reinforced by custom, law and specific development polices
(Meena 1992: 1). Mwenda Ntarangwi (2003) also argues that since gender is socially and
culturally constructed, the gender roles assigned to women and men in society differ from
one society to the other. Therefore, a discussion of gender in Africa needs to take into
consideration the cultural context that informs womens positions and experiences in

36

society. Beverly Stoeltje has discussed the importance of context and argues that if we
are to understand womens experiences with the law, including womens encounters with
power, we must take account of the contingencies within which women perform,
negotiate, and contest their positions in regard to legal matters. Fundamental to any
consideration of these are gender ideologies, activities related to gender roles, contexts
for the performance of gender, and the genres of womens speech (Stoeltje 2002: xv). In
all African societies, gender subjectivities play an important role in the resolution of
disputes, the allocation of resources, and the adaptation of international legal concepts
(Stoeltje 2002: xvi).
In Botswana gender oppression is internalized through the socialization process.
From a very young age, men and boys take priority over women and girls. Boys are
socialized into the outside world; they are taught hunting, herding cattle, fishing and so
forth. On the other hand girls are socialized into the domestic sphere; they learn how to
cook, clean, look after their young siblings and so forth. They are also taught to be docile
and submissive to men. Coquery-Vidrovitch (1997) argues that among the Tswana,
training sought to teach a girl her role as a woman, that is, wife and mother. During
initiation the girl was instructed in her sexual role by an older woman, preferably a
widow, and then violently beaten to give her a sense of the pains of childbirth. All this
was sufficient to teach passivity and idealize subordination (14-15). In patrilineal African
societies, women are valued for their ability to produce food and to reproduce the mans
lineage.

37

Feminism
Feminism is a broad term for a variety of conceptions of the relations between
men and women in society. Feminists question and challenge the origins of oppressive
gender relations and attempt to develop a variety of strategies that might change these
relations for the better. Feminism does not just deal with issues of justice and equality but
also offers a critique of male-dominated institutions, values and social practices that are
oppressive and destructive (Mannathoko 1992: 71). Feminists share a commitment to
improving the status of womens lives by working to eliminate sexism, patriarchy, sexual
and gender inequality.
Mannathoko also argues that feminism has its roots in the African condition
because African women have always been aware of the prevailing oppressive gender
relations and have throughout history challenged these conditions in a variety of ways.
She further argues that it is a misconception to view feminism as a Western ideology
which reflects Western culture simply because feminist theories, just like other theories,
have been influenced by external pressures resulting from colonialism and imperialism
(Mannathoko 1992: 72). She argues that practices such as giving women in marriage, as
tribute, buying and selling them and so forth, existed in pre-colonial societies in southern
Africa; it is only that they are more pronounced and commercialized in modern societies.
Regrettably, she does not fully develop her argument to show that feminism has its roots
in African traditions. Instead, she focused her discussion on three types of feminists,
namely liberal, Marxist and radical feminists.
Another scholar, Gwendolyn Mikell, author of African Feminism (1997), argues
that gender hierarchy and female subordination, have always been prevalent in traditional

38

African culture, but they became more pronounced during the phases of Islamic
expansion and European conquest, as well as afterward. Consequently, hierarchical
gender roles and relationships in politics, economics, and culture in general have tended
to be continual but increasing in intensity. This means that control over womens roles
has become intricately interwoven with the social structures of these societies (Mikell
1997: 3). Further, in Africa, female subordination is based on traditional African culture,
which assigns gender roles by making distinctions between the domestic and public
domains. Mikell argues that African women have always been faced with challenges and
they were not actively responding to the challenges. But now, African women are
actively involved in addressing womens issues in contemporary Africa. They have
become more vocal about their social, personal, economic, and political challenges, and
about their newly emerging vision of African feminism (Mikell 1997: 3). This African
feminism differs from Western forms of feminism because it emerges out of a particular
cultural and historical context. It is distinctly heterosexual, pro-natal and primarily
concerned with many bread, butter, culture, power (Mikell 1997: 4) which parallel the
concerns of other non-Western countries.
African Women
There is a tendency by some scholars both African and Western to lump women
into one category; this is very problematic because women are not the same anywhere, in
their respective countries, villages, towns and the world over. Women are differentiated
by several things among which are gender, class, education level, locality and so forth.
Further, some feminist scholars use a Western lense to analyze African women and that is
why they come up with conclusions such as African women are beasts of burden,

39

victimized, inferior and are subordinate to men. On the other, hand feminist scholarship
deals with issues of equality in parliament, public service, office jobs, and wage labor and
so on, these are aspirations of educated women, the uneducated women or those with
very little education have no concern for such issues. Their concern is how to put food on
the table for their families. This is evidence that women in the rural areas do not have the
same priorities as women in the urban areas. Evidently, most of the things that educated
women especially those living in the cities take for granted are luxuries for many women
in the African villages. Thus scholars need to differentiate these two categories and make
it explicit in their studies which category they are talking about.
In addition, African educated women also have a tendency of speaking for their
counterparts, but they do so with a western perspective due to their education. Being an
African does not mean that one knows everything about the culture hence the need to pay
particular attention to the stories the women present and not what we think. We should
listen to the women we are studying and give them a voice, not our voice. Because if we
do not then it is tantamount to the very oppression that we are talking about and trying to
free them from. If a woman is content with working in the fields all day long in order to
feed her children who are we to tell her that she is being oppressed. We should not bring
our preconceived notions and thoughts into other peoples lives. Instead, we should try to
understand and take into consideration the cultural context and values that inform
womens live when analyzing or studying them. This will avoid the generalizations that
usually dominate scholarship.
However, credit should be given to those scholars who have contributed
scholarship that advocates the empowerment of African women. Such scholars correctly

40

argue that African women cannot and should not be treated as a monolithic and
homogenous group. Kolawole (1998) asserts that there is a contrast between a very
westernized society usually comprising the educated people in urban centers and a
traditional rural society whose beliefs and way of life often show they have hardly been
touched by western culture (Kolawole 1998: 9). Women everywhere do not form a
uniform group. They may be young girls, married or unmarried, single mothers,
divorcees or widows. Some of them are also homemakers, breadwinners, laborers,
teachers, nurses or pensioners (Development Bank of Southern Africa [DBSA] 1998: 2).
Furthermore, scholars agree that women in Africa are and have been different contrary to
neo-colonial efforts to homogenize them; some are oppressed, some are oppressors. Each
has her own individual psychology and personality, and draws on different cultural
foundations and support systems; each has her own identities and positions. Scholars
recognize the heterogeneity of women in Africa. They are shaped by class, age, ethnicity,
geographical location, various traditions and religions and diverse contemporary political
and economic policies. The analysis of gender relations is complicated and far beyond the
unilineal approach of relations of inequality and subordination. The analysis needs to
acknowledge the multidimensional nature and complexities of African womens lives.
There is substantial evidence documenting the existing unequal division of labor
between men and women in Africa. At household level women perform most of the
domestic or what is known as reproductive tasks, that is, child-bearing and rearing, food
processing, care of the sick and spouses, as well as most of the functions needed for the
production of human labor. Unfortunately, womens work is denigrated since domestic
work and childcare are seen as low status jobs (Ngwenya and Phaladze 2001: 30). Anne

41

Griffiths (1997) argues that womens labor within the family is essential but nevertheless
is given subordinate status and lower value than mens work because of the position that
women occupy within the family (Griffiths 1997: 15). Women are also essentially
responsible for the production of most of the food which is consumed by the majority of
households. Studies indicate that while women carry a heavier load in production and
reproduction, they do not enjoy similar rights in terms of access to resources, which
include land, credit, and they do not enjoy similar rights in decision-making processes
(Meena 1992: 12). Conversely, Beverly Stoeltje argues that women in most African
societies are routinely engaged in work that provides support and sustenance for
themselves and their children, yet restrictions based on the structure of power relations
often limit their access to resources (2002b: vi). Furthermore, the basis of agrarian social
organization, gendered division of labor; assigning to men labors requiring strength, such
as warfare, hunting, fishing and politics and to women subsistence activity and child
rearing (Vidrovitch 1997: 15). Organization by gender was visible not only in the way in
which tasks were divided but in the standards according to which each sex was evaluated
and evaluated itself. A womans value and status depended first on her fertility and
second on her cooperativeness, initiative, and ability to work. A man was judged in terms
of his courage and even capacity for aggression, his ability with words and his physical
prowess. The major distinction was that men made the rules whereas women had power
only over themselves (Vidrovitch 1997: 16). It cannot be overemphasized that there are
some people who abuse these gendered divisions of labor and hence some scholars
generalize that African women are abused and victimized.

42

Culture and tradition have also been used by men and women as an excuse to
conceal existing oppressive gender relations and legitimize the perpetuation of these
oppressive relations in most African societies. Meena (1992) argues that most of the
existing literature locates the oppression of women and their subordinate position in
culture, division of labor, state policies which include the law, employment patterns,
social security policies as well as the ideology of the ruling elite (Meena 1997: 7). She
argues that culture needs to be revisited and deconstructed for any attempt at African
womens empowerment and search for gender equity and democratization to succeed (p.
3). In addition, Maria Grosz-Ngate (1997) also argues that literature on women and
gender in Africa has concentrated on the socioeconomic dimensions of capitalist
expansion and globalization rather than on the gendered nature of cultural flows across
social and national boundaries or as ways in which such flows are mediated by local
gender constructs and relations (Grosz-Ngate (1997: 9). Further, the context within which
women find themselves has significant meanings with regard to how women culturally
perceive themselves and are perceived by others. In particular, how men keep women
distanced from power. In some social contexts women are not only subordinate to men,
but also subordinate to other women too. Therefore, empirical studies should be based on
theoretical findings that take social reality into consideration.
Several studies have shown that women in African societies are not always
passive victims of male dominance rather, they are active members or social actors who
challenge,

strategize,

manipulate,

and

bargain

effectively

against

prevailing

circumstances (Stoeltje 2002a: viii). Similarly, Anne Griffiths (1997) argues that despite
their hardships, Tswana women both comply with and strategize within their prescribed

43

circle of influence by stretching socially constituted boundaries to address their needs.

The above suggest that women have some degree of agency and autonomy in contrast to
the stereotype of women who suffer passively at the mercy of their fathers, brothers, and
husbands (Stoeltje 2002a: viii). Evidently, at individual and institutional levels women
are taking an active role in adapting to changing circumstances (Mikell, 1997; Stoeltje
2002b). In addition, some women hold positions of power and authority in African
societies, for example queen mothers in Ghana. The queen mothers power lies in her
responsibilities for settling disputes, for advising the chief, and in her public ritual and
ceremonial functions such as funerals (Stoeltje 1994, 1997). The queen mother not only
possesses wisdom and administers justice, but she embodies power in Akan social and
political affairs (Stoeltje 1995: 15, 21).
Susan Hirsch (1998) studied how Swahili Muslim women in coastal Kenya
pursue marital disputes in local courts. The study highlights the ways in which women
are both constrained and empowered in a context where customary law, religious law,
Western law and social norms concerning men and women intersect and interact. She
focuses closely on the language used in disputes, particularly how men and women
narrate their claims and how their speech shapes and is shaped by gender hierarchy in
postcolonial Swahili society. Hirsch discredits the conservative view that women are
powerless under Islamic law, she also challenges the dichotomies through which Islam
and gender relations are currently understood. Her study shows that Muslim women
actively use legal processes to transform their domestic lives. Traditionally, wives must
persevere and suffer silently when confronted with marital problems and husbands need

44

only to pronounce divorce to resolve marital problems. This study also shows that some
women are able to negotiate societal stereotypes to circumvent male power.
Women, Men and Marriage in Botswana
Anne Griffiths (1997) book In The Shadow of Marriage, is a study of gender
relations and justice with respect to procreation and marriage among the Bakwena of
Botswana. The study deals with womens experiences in negotiating their status with
respect to the fathers of their children, and with womens strategies in pursuing claims for
support, claims for property and family resources before Western and customary legal
institutions. Griffiths argues that the social context within which law is embedded cannot
be ignored, for it is crucial to an understanding of who has access to the law and under
what conditions. She further argues that women regularly find themselves excluded from
the legal domain for a whole range of reasons, many of which derive from social
constraints. Such constraints arise from the gendered nature of the world in which they
live (Griffiths 1997: 36). She also explains how women's access to law is determined by
social relations over which they have little control and highlights the ways in which the
difficulties that women face in the legal arena are related to the difficulties that they face
as social actors (Griffiths 1997: 37). Griffiths shows how law and custom are inseparable
for Kwena women. In most cases women are blamed for the failure of their marriages.
The society also privileges men as heads of household so they usually get and control
most of the property. A womans position is undermined, so men usually get major
assets.
In addition, Phaladze and Ngwenya (2001) argue that a compendium of literature
now exists that informs us about interlocking forms of vulnerability (whose basis is both

45

legal and economic) that disadvantage women. More attention has been given to
structural barriers (such as low level of education, limited access to employment, start-up
capital etc) and less emphasis has been given to identifying specific cultural barriers that
negatively impact on womens well being (Phaladze and Ngwenya 2001: 21). Their
article argues that in Botswana women are not recognized as equal development partners
and citizens like men. This is due to the fact that both customary and statutory laws in
Botswana have allowed legislative and cultural practices that entrench womens
subordination to men. They also argue that Setswana cultural traditions and customs
represent a threat to gender equality that is insidious, invisibly constrain womens
agency, creative powers and the exercise of individual rights and freedoms (p. 26). They
conclude their argument by stating that despite increased education and incomes for
women, greater participation in public life, women in Africa are still marginalized and
grossly underrepresented in areas where important decisions and policies are made.
Patriarchy is a system of social structures and practices that men use to dominate,
oppress, and exploit women. It is also a specific form of male domination based on the
powerful role of a father head. Botswana society, like many African societies, is
patriarchal. Some of the features that characterize patriarchy in Botswana include laws
that deny women equality with men in their rights to own land, borrow money and enter
into contracts, marriage laws that give husbands ultimate decision making power and
control over the wife, children and property (Commeyras and Montsi 2000: 329).
Consequently, the traditional structure of the Botswana family makes it difficult for
women to obtain the authority and resources they need. In Botswana, like in other
patrilineal societies in Africa, customary law often assigns land to males only, placing

46

women in a position of dependence on husbands, brothers, sons, and other male relatives
(Stoeltje 2002b: ix). Another difficulty that women in Botswana are faced with is their
inability to acquire livestock. Anne Griffiths says this inability is due, in part, to the laws
of succession according to which the largest category of cattle, referred to as estate cattle,
is handed down from father to sons (Griffiths 1997: 25). Her study shows how the
structure of both legal institutions is based on power and gender relations that heavily
favor males.
In addition, Coquery-Vidrovitch (1997) asserts that womens oppression and
subordination existed even in precolonial times. She argues that women appear to be
beasts of burden, especially within the strict patrilineal order of Tswana society. This is
because women worked longer hours than men in the fields and at home. Furthermore,
Coquery-Vidrovitch argues that Tswana women had a negative image of themselves.
This image was a result of the societys refusal to recognize them as individuals, an entire
existence devoted to the domestic economy, and training from their earliest years in
humility and acceptance as normal of an ideology that was entirely based on labor
(Coquery-Vidrovitch (1997: 13). In contrast, men participated in complex networks of
dependence between lineages and within their own families, but they had two other
options: accumulating wealth in cattle and land and trading for profit (CoqueryVidrovitch (1997: 14). In contemporary Africa, and the world over, women are engaged
in productive work both inside and outside the home. They are engaged in agricultural
work, household work, commerce and wage labor. Unfortunately, the value of womens
subsistence and domestic labor goes unrecognized and is invisible in the national
accounts.

47

In addition, studies of family relationships and kinship theory in Africa

concentrate on gender relationships between men and women, the potential for men and
women in different spheres of life and the dichotomy that has been established between
the genders (Bledsoe 1980, Stroebel 1982). The essence of kinship systems is rooted in
the exchange of women between men. Marriage is the most basic form of exchange. It is
an economic, social, and political affair. In this exchange system, women are the most
precious gifts and men are the beneficiaries. Kinship as an organizational structure gives
power to men to organize women. Men are linked and empowered by this exchange
partnership whereas women as gifts are rendered powerless (Mannathoko 1992: 76). On
the other hand, Anne Griffiths (1997) argues that at each stage of her life a woman falls
within the shadow of male authority. When unmarried, it is the authority of her father and
her brothers; when married, it is that of her husband; and when widowed or in old age (if
never married), it is that of her sons (Griffiths 1997: 25). Similarly, among the Swazi,
girls are taught at a very early age to respect men. A females life starts with images of
men in control. Presently, male authority is still prevalent in interpersonal gender
relations. The destinies of women are therefore bound to their father, husbands and other
men in their lives (Nkomazi 1998: 19). Another scholar, Mwenda Ntarangwi (2003)
argues that marriage continues the primary structure of social control as the woman,
who was previously under the control of the father as his daughter, comes under her
husbands authority soon after marriage (Ntarangwi 2003: 210). We learn from the
above that although men and women are constantly together in different spheres of life
both at home and in public, generally, women have been put in inferior positions relative
to men.

48

Relations of power are interwoven with other kinds of relations: production,

kinship, family and sexuality. Power is unevenly distributed in the Setswana cultural
context. Men assume positions of superiority and women occupy inferior positions. On
the other hand, senior female members exercise patriarchically defined powers over
junior females. Ruphenburg (1997) argues that within gender, the issue of seniority is
not necessarily determined by biological age only, as in the instance of a mother-in-law
overseeing a daughter-in-law, but patrilineage as well (Ruphenburg 1997:34). Women
associate subordination with culture. They are not only subordinate to men, but in certain
social contexts are also subordinate to other women. Vidrovitch also observed that older
women, exerted power over their daughters-in-law, their younger co-wives, and, of
course, slave women, who might also be co-wives. The result was that older women
reproduced, within the community of women, the same hierarchical relations that
governed relationships between elders and their many dependents-young people, women,
and slaves (Vidrovitch 1997: 16).
In another study on power relations, Winnie Wanzala (1998) discusses three
critically interrelated dimensions of power as she perceives them within the sociopolitical context of southern Africa. The first relates to patriarchal relations which
subordinate women legally, politically, socially, and economically; the second relates to
hierachical social relations which are based on class, race, ethnicity, religious affiliation
and other social boundaries. She argues that these are connected to and continuous of
precolonial patriarchal relations which must be interrogated and deconstructed in the
present situation. The third dimension of power reflects the unequal relations among
women themselves, which speak to a socio-historical reality and various social stratifiers

49

that impact on the ways women interact, perceive each other, and work together, aside
from issues of gendered ideologies and positionality within their respective societies
(Wanzala 1998: 1).
Through marriage a woman is moved as an object; she leaves her family to join
her husbands family. Traditionally and culturally, married women begin their married
life in the households of their in-laws as ngwetsi (daughter-in-law). In the Setswana
cultural context, a new bride joins her husbands household as the member with the
lowest status. Although the woman lives and works with her husbands relatives, she
remains an outsider among closely knit relatives. Theoretically, her in-laws have to
accept and adopt her into their home, but realistically she remains an outsider. This is
evidenced by the fact that she does not join her husbands clan but rather she retains the
clan affiliation of her natal home. The custom of patrilocal residence is still widely
practiced, and almost all young married couples reside with the husbands parents for the
first years of their married life. This custom, or at least its perpetuation, is reinforced both
by culture and by the economic situation of young men who may or may not be ready for
marriage, but who certainly cannot afford their own homes when they marry and are thus
dependent on their parents (DBSA 1998: 7). Independent residence is a strategy that
married women use to avoid conflicts with their in-laws. It also gives them freedom and
autonomy.
This object represents good behavior for the family. It is when a girl becomes a
ngwetsi that the pressures and restrictions of traditions in a patriarchal society become
evident. Custom and tradition demand submissiveness from a married woman.
Furthermore, custom dictates that the young woman has to behave with servility and

50

respect towards her in-laws. Besides all the rules a daughter-in-law must obey and all the
work she has to do, she often has to contend with critical in-laws. The triangle of the
mother, son and wife is therefore often fraught with tension when the couple resides with
the husbands parents. Control of the husbands resources is usually the root of the
tension and hostility between a ngwetsi and her matsale (mother-in-law). Although many
betsi (daugthers-in-law) get along well with their mothers-in-law, they are glad when
they can move to their own homes.
Careful consideration of the language used in marriage negotiations, wedding
songs and counseling sessions is crucial to the understanding of gender relations in the
Setswana cultural context. Language transmits culture, it also affects how people think
and behave. Setswana wedding songs and the counseling session give behavioral
instructions to the ngwetsi. The wedding songs echo Setswana cultural expectations of
the bride and these expectations are further verbalized during the counseling session
before she is taken to her in-laws home. Sometimes Setswana language portrays women
as inferior and subordinate to men, as people who are supposed to work hard for the
benefit of other, they are expected to persevere to keep the marriage intact and so forth.
More often than not, women tend to internalize these messages that culture through the
use of language expects them to conform to. This may result in some women having a
low self-esteem as a result of being treated and portrayed as inferior (Maundeni 2002:
39). Setswana language manifests Setswana traditional cultural values and these still
have very strong influences on the behavior of men and women. Historically, women
were regarded as socially inferior to men and were generally treated as minors. As
already stated, under customary law, a woman was subject to male guardianship, first by

51

her father and then her husband when she got married. Women are expected to display
obedience and full respect for their husbands. The use of language that ties women to the
domestic sphere has to some extent resulted in the domestication of women, that in turn
has led to their low socio-economic status and this has contributed to womens economic
dependency on men.
From the above discussion it is evident that African women do have agency, but
that within societies, they are dominated, subordinated, discriminated against, and they
are constantly struggling against oppressive social and cultural structures. These recent
studies have focused on women in court, womens songs, and women in specific roles
such as mothers and queen mothers, women struggling for land and voice. Therefore,
women are not just passive victims, but that both traditional culture and the modern state
continue to marginalize women, attempt to keep them in subordinate positions, but
women do struggle on a daily basis to survive, and are successful. Yet, they still have to
struggle against social structures and cultural practices. These conditions of gender
relations, labor, marriage, and kinship are all imbued with power and hierarchy. These
studies have defined the context of women in Africa and in Botswana. They also help us
understand the institution of marriage among the Bakgatla.
Marriage Process among Bakgatla
What follows is a description of the procedure that Bakgatla follow before a
marriage takes place. This section also discusses the different types of solemnization of
marriages; at the kgotla, at the District Commissioner and at church.
Marriage is an institution which is common to all human societies. It is a union
between two people, the bride and the groom. But in most African cultures this union is

52

not for the bride and groom only it is also for their families. It is a socially recognized rite
for the onset of a family. Marriage is also a means by which a man and a woman come
together to form a union for the purpose of procreation. In African cultures marriage is
such an important matter that its success and failure does not affect the couple only but
their immediate and extended families. Marriage establishes a relationship between a man
and a woman, regulates their sexual activities, locates their children in the kinship system
and influences the inheritance of property (Bowman and Kuenyehia 1997: 6). It is a free
choice by the boy and the girl, and this aspect of it is their own affair. But, it represents
the linkage of the two families by bonds that are both social and economic. The term
family connotes not only the biological family of a man and his wife and children but
also the extended family which is a collection of biological families, genealogically
related through the male line called patrilineage. Traditionally marriage is regarded as an
institution of procreation. Generally, African marriages are effected for just this purpose,
and therefore a childless marriage ceases to be meaningful in this context.
In the past it was common among the Bakgatla for marriage to take place between
people from the same village but from different wards. In that case the marriage united
not only the two families but also the two wards. It was very rare in the past for people to
marry outside their villages, or outside their ethnic group or worse still outside the
country. But with time things have changed; people marry from almost everywhere.
These changes are brought by the fact that parents no longer choose marriage partners for
their children. People are no longer confined to their villages, they move to attend schools
or for employment opportunities. For instance, in Mochudi there are teachers, nurses,
businessmen, men and women from other villages and countries who in the longrun have

53

relationships with people from Mochudi and end up marrying them. The reverse holds
true for a person from Mochudi working in other parts of the country. Consequently, they
interact with and are exposed to people from other parts of country or other parts of the
world with whom they have relationships that end up in marriage. Though marriage
between people from the same village is still very common there are instances where
marriage takes place between Bakgatla from different villages. For example, a man from
Mochudi marrying a woman from Morwa, Oodi or Sikwane to mention a few of the
villages in the Kgatleng district. It has also become common for people to marry not only
outside their village but also from different ethnic groups. For example, a man from
Mochudi marrying a woman from Serowe, Kanye or Maitengwe. The people in these
villages belong to the Bangwato, Bangwaketse and Bakalaka ethnic groups respectively.
Recently, international marriages have also become common. There are marriages
between Bakgatla and South Africans, Zimbabweans, Nigerians, Americans, British and
Germans to mention but a few. The above changes are not unique to the Bakgatla only.
They are happening to other ethnic groups in the country as well.
Formation of a Marriage
The following is a description of the marriage process. This description will
confine itself to what is being done today rather than what used to be done in the past, but
where necessary the changes that have taken place will be discussed. Isaac Schapera
(1994) asserts that for a marriage to be regarded as lawful, and carrying with it the rights,
duties, and privileges accorded by society, the contracting parties must comply with
certain conditions. Apart from various rules governing the selection of a wife, the main
essentials of the marriage contract among the Tswana are: mutual agreement between the

54

two families concerned, as reflected in the formalities of betrothal; and the transfer of
certain livestock, generally cattle, to the brides family by the family of the bridegroom
(Schapera 1994: 126).
Another scholar, A. K. H. Weinrich (1982) explains that marriage has always
been regarded as a slow process; a steady growth, beginning with the first acquaintance
of the young couple, the gradual involvement of their families, the transfer of bridewealth
to the womans father and the transfer of the bride to the husbands family, the birth of
children and finally the establishment of a new and independent household (Weinrich
1982: 43). These essential conditions serve to immediately differentiate a recognized
marital union from other forms of sexual cohabitation. Bakgatla have a clear-cut
procedure that needs to be followed before a marriage can take place. In the past Bakgatla
used to send boys and girls to initiation schools. During initiation boys and girls were
prepared for adult life, especially married life. These schools were abolished by the
missionaries whose mission was to convert the people to Christianity. Going through
initiation was a prerequisite for marriage. Furthermore, in the past, marriage between
cousins (Schapera 1941) was very common but this practice is less frequent now. Failure
to seek or obtain formal sanction for a union shows that it is not acceptable to one family
or the other. Therefore, there must be mutual agreement between the two families before
marriage can take place.
As already mentioned, in the past parents chose marriage partners for their
children. So in selecting a wife for their son, the boys parents paid particular attention to
her character and that of her family and not on her physical appearance. Isaac Schapera
sums up the selection process by saying:

55

Ideally she must be hard-working and obedient, modest, chaste, and

generally well behaved; while her parents must be of good character,
respectable ancestry, and, above all, free from any suspicion of practicing
sorcery, (boloi). (Schapera 1994: 128).
There are Setswana proverbs that reinforce the belief that a woman is married not
for her appearance but for her ability to work hard, for example, mosadi tshwene o jewa
mabogo. The literal translation of this proverb is a woman is a baboon, her hands are
eaten. This proverb means that a woman is married not because of her good looks but
rather because of her ability to work hard. Every man who marries a mosadi (woman)
believes that she is beautiful, but to show that the concern is really not on beauty the
woman is likened to a tshwene (baboon) which is considered the ugliest animal in
Botswana. Jewa (eaten) comes from the verb, ja (eat). Her husband and his people will
eat the food she has cooked with her own hands. Cooking is one of the social and cultural
roles a married woman is expected to perform. The verb ja also has sexual connotations.
Eating can refer to sexual intercourse. So in relation to sex it means that even if the
woman is ugly, so long as she can fulfill her sexual obligations and consequently produce
children she is worthy of being married. Mabogo (hands), refers to the womans labor
and productivity. With her hands she can cook, clean, take care of the household, work in
the fields etc. She should be productive and resourceful in her new home. In that respect
her husband and his people will benefit from her labor.
This philosophy is further reinforced by another proverb which says bontle bo
seng nosi bo na le dibelebejane literally translated as beauty is not alone it has bad
things. The proverb means that outward beauty does not reflect the inner being of a
person. It warns men against being deceived by the beauty of a woman because probably
underneath those beautiful looks she may be harboring a bad personality, deeds or

56

characteristics. It is an equivalent of the English proverb dont judge a book by its

cover.
On the other hand, the girls people do not pay so much attention to her suitors
moral character as to his ability to work, although the former is by no means ignored, and
it is always a powerful inducement if his father is wealthy or a man of some standing in
the tribe (Schapera 1994:128). The girls family looks for a hard-working man from a
rich or respectable family because they do not want to give their daughter to an
irresponsible man who will not be able to take care of her economically and otherwise.
This is reinforced by the proverb monna ga a betlwe o potokwa fela, literally a man is
not carved he is just made. The proverb means that a man does not have to be handsome
to get married, what is required is his ability to provide for his family. The proverb
derives its meaning from the two verbs betla (carve) and potoka (make). The first verb
implies that great detail and attention is given to whatever is being carved, in this case the
result would be a handsome man. The second verb implies that the work is done in haste
and as such the end product is not a good one, an ugly man. The emphasis is not on his
looks but rather on his ability to provide for his family. Since villages were very small
then and people virtually knew each other in the village, the task of choosing a partner for
the children was not so difficult for the parents. The history and deeds of each family in
the village were well known so families with a good reputation always attracted suitors
and those with a bad one did not. It is because of the above-cited reasons that most people
married within their villages.
In addition, a mans choice of a wife is limited to some extent by kinship
relationship. He is not allowed to marry his own mother, sister or half-sister, daughter,

57

fathers sister, or mothers sister. It was common in the past for relatives to marry.
According to Isaac Schapera, (1941, 1964, 1994) traditionally, the women regarded as a
mans most suitable bride were his own relatives especially his ntsala (cousin) that is, the
daughter of a maternal uncle or of a paternal aunt. This is expressed in the Setswana
proverb, ngwana waga malome nnyale kgomo di boele sakeng, literally my maternal
uncles son marry me so that the cows stay in the kraal. If cousins marry, the transfer of
bogadi is within the family; the cows do not leave the family kraal unlike a marriage
which is between two people who are not related. It was also believed that such marriages
created a strong bond between relatives.
In arranged marriages, the children were not consulted at all, they were only
informed after all of the necessary discussions and decisions were made. They were
bound to comply with the wishes of their parents, and if they refused to do so they could
be forced, if necessary, by punishment and by threat of disinheritance. Only the girls
father had the power to enforce her marriage, even against her own wish and that of her
mother. In those days this was an easy task because boys and girls lived separately thus
limiting their chances of associating intimately and developing strong attachments for
each other. Boys spent most of their youth and early manhood at the cattlepost, herding
cattle. A cattlepost is an area that has been designated for keeping livestock but mainly
cattle. On the other hand, the girls spent their time in the village under the strict
supervision of their mothers. Obviously, this resulted in almost no contact between boys
and girls of marriageable age. This also meant they could not choose any marriage
partners because they basically did not know anybody; hence it was the duty of the
parents to choose marriage partners for their children.

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With the growing independence of the younger generation, parents no longer

choose partners for their children. The choice is made by the concerned parties
themselves. There are many reasons why this is the case. Primarily, boys and girls attend
school, and this gives them the opportunity to interact and associate easily unlike in the
past when they spent their youth separately. Also, people meet at their different work
places, which in most cases are far away from their homes. Finally, rural-urban migration
and labor migration to South Africa allow people to meet. People often find marriage
partners at their workplaces. Generally, peoples style of living has changed and
consequently this has affected their way of doing things. In addition, todays greater
freedom of the young to choose their own marriage partners has been brought about
through changed economic circumstances. In the past it was the responsibility of the
grooms father to take care of the expenses incurred in the marriage of his son. This
included giving the bogadi. Nowadays, most young men are employed, and are in a better
position to find the bogadi themselves. Theoretically, it is the father who is supposed to
give the bogadi, and take care of the wedding celebration expenses but realistically; in
most cases the young men do everything. Still, the impression is given that it is done by
the father or parents. Lastly, with good transportation, travel within and outside the
country is easy, allowing people to interact. With this new change parents only become
involved when the children state their intention to get married, thereby asking them to
perform the necessary process leading to their marriage. Because of the freedom of
choice of partners, the parameters from which one can choose a marriage partner have
also expanded. As a result, some marry outside the village and from different ethnic
groups and even different countries as already stated. Furthermore, the qualities that

59

young people look for in each other during their courtship tend increasingly to be
achieved qualities rather than ascribed characteristics. This means values which were
considered important in the past receive less attention today.
Marriage is a long ritual with many steps leading to the final ritual which is the
wedding ceremony. Marriage is also a rite of passage which changes the status of the
individual from a boy or girl to a man or woman. Therefore, instruction about the new
status is very important, and it happens in the songs and in the private ritual of go laiwa
(to be counseled). A marriage in Botswana may be contracted in terms of either the
Marriage Act or customary law or both. Marriage under the Marriage Act can be defined
as a contract by two consenting and competent persons of opposite sexes undertaking to
live together and afford each other sexual privileges exclusively. A customary marriage,
on the other hand, is essentially a contract between families as opposed to two individuals
(Dow and Kidd 1994: 17-18). Therefore, the involvement of the parents of the boy and
girl are important from the beginning to the end.
As mentioned earlier the marriage process is a long and elaborate procedure. It
involves several meetings and discussions between the two families. Since marriage is a
very important institution with implications for rights and duties, it is not surprising that
time and other resources are expended in lengthy negotiations and consultations relating
to marriage (Dow and Kidd 1994: 18). The first step is for the boy to inform his parents,
precisely his father, of his intentions to get married. The usual age of marriage varies
from about 21 to 25 for women, and 25 to 30 for men (Schapera and Comaroff, 1991:
25). So after successfully courting a girl, the boy informs his parents especially his father
that he has found a girl that he wants to marry, so that they can formally seek the consent

60

of her parents to the marriage. It is assumed that the girl would have also told her parents
especially her mother that she has found somebody who wants to marry her. By so doing
her parents will not be surprised when the boys parents visit them.
Before any formal step is taken, the boys parents visit the girls parents to inform
or discuss with them their sons intention. After their return from the girls home,
assuming that the girl also agrees to be married, the boys parents call his close relatives,
his paternal and maternal uncles and aunts to inform them of their sons intentions. The
concept of therisanyo (consultation) is fundamental and essential to Setswana marriages.
It involves not just calling members of the family to meetings, but also involves urging
members to participate in the discussions (Dow and Kidd 1994: 18). Further, consulting
family members is very important because from this point on all subsequent negotiations
will be carried out by them and not the boys parents. The family then agrees on a date
when they will go and negotiate with the girls family. After this meeting, the boys
father sends the boys paternal uncle and one or two other relatives to the girls family to
inform them of their intention to visit them. After they leave, the girls parents will
summon her paternal and maternal uncles and aunts to inform them that some people had
visited them to register their interest in taking their daughters hand in marriage and that
those people will visit on a given date. There must be mutual agreement between the two
families before marriage can take place.
Patlo (betrothal) is regarded as the first step in a series of acts which inevitably
culminate in marriage and is much more than a mere public announcement of the
couples intention to marry. Bowman and Kunyehia (1997) explain that betrothal created
a relationship between the two families to which the parties belonged. This idea is

61

expressed in formal behavior, in the use of relationship terms and sometimes in mutual
economic assistance and mutual visits and in the exchange of gifts (Bowman and
Kunyehia 1997: 7). The day these two families meet for the betrothal negotiations is
called patlo, which literally means seeking, looking or searching. The delegation
involved is more or less the same for the two families. My informants told me that the
delegation must compose of borangwana (paternal uncles) who can be rremogolo (boys
fathers older brother), rangwane (boys fathers younger brother), malome (boys
maternal uncle), rakgadi (boys paternal aunt) and their spouses. Other people who can
accompany the above group can be the maternal aunt and her husband and other close
relatives. It should be noted that neither parents take part in the discussions; they send
people to negotiate on their behalf. The boys delegation is known as babatli (seekers)
because their role/duty is to seek the girl or to ask for her hand in marriage. Sometimes
they are referred to as barongwa (messengers) because they are acting on behalf of the
boys parents. They also carry information between the two families. This delegation will
be met by a delegation of the same composition of people at the girls home. However,
there is no specific name for the girls delegation. A. K. H. Weinrich (1982) correctly
suggests that the way in which families establish contacts to arrange new marriages is
through marriage negotiators, men and women acceptable to the family of both the young
man and woman. These negotiators are accredited middlemen who publicly guarantee the
serious intention of the young to marry (Weinrich 1982: 48).
Among the Bakgatla, the discussions are held together with men and women,
unlike in other ethnic groups where it is done separately. My informants insisted that it is
important to sit and discuss the matter together because the intention of the meeting is to

62

unite a man and a woman. They said this indirectly gives the couple a sense of what is
expected of them once they are married. They are expected to discuss things and work
together. Tradition also dictates that only married men and women can take part in these
negotiations. Divorcees are not allowed to take part.
In addition, the people involved have to be dressed in a certain manner. The
women have to wear a tukwi (head scarf) and a mogagolwane (blanket or shawl) around
their shoulders. The mogagolwane has to be pinned in the front at the chest. The women
told me that this is symbolic of the fact that a woman has to keep the secrets of her house
intact, under the blanket. On the other hand, the men must wear baki (a jacket). A jacket
is a symbol of respect.
Patlo is usually performed very early on a Saturday morning. The meeting takes
place at the girls home. Normally, the deliberations do not last long. They should be
finished within an hour or two. The younger brother of the girls father usually welcomes
the boys family to the home. After being welcomed, the boys paternal uncle leads the
deliberations by introducing himself and explaining the purpose of their visit. For
example he may say;
Ke romilwe ke rre Kagiso Moje le mme Mmapula Moje ba kgotla ya
Manamakgothe ba re ke tle go ba kopela sego sa metsi fa ga rre
Motlogwela Thakadu le mme Mpho Thakadu ba kgotla ya Mading. Sego
se sa metsi ke Lerato Thakadu.
I am sent by Mr. Kagiso Moje and Mrs. Mmapula Moje of Manamakgothe
ward to come and ask Mr. Motlogelwa Thakadu and Mrs. Mpho Thakadu
of Mading ward for a calabash of water (their daughters hand in
marriage). The calabash of water is Lerato Thakadu.

When he has finished talking, the boys maternal uncle adds a few words to what
has already been said for emphasis sake. From there on, other members of the delegation

63

especially the immediate aunts say a word or two. When the boys people have finished
talking, the girls people respond. The response also comes in the above-mentioned order.
The girls family would indicate whether they agree or disagree with the proposition. But,
usually if negotiations have reached this point it is evident that the two families are in
agreement. So the girls maternal uncle would say Rra ke a go utlwa ga o re o romilwe
go kopa sego sa metsi, rra ke a se go naya sego se o se batlangi literally, I hear that
you have been sent to ask for a calabash of water, I am giving the calabash to you. This
means he pronounces judgement that the girl can be married. This is called go atlholwa.
Immediately after he says this, mmamalome (maternal uncles wife) responds
with ululations. She is joined by the other women. This is a sign of their happiness and
gratitude. This completes the patlo or the first stage of the negotiations, without which no
marriage is regarded as proper. Sometimes the boys family may suggest a possible date
for the wedding celebration and leave it for the girls family to think about it. At times
they may leave without making any suggestions. When the delegation leaves to go and
report how the deliberations went to the boys parents they can decide on a date and later
send the paternal uncle together with one or two people back to the girls parents to tell
them of the suggested date for the wedding celebration.
The next step is to confirm the betrothal. This is done when the boys family
brings gifts, mainly clothing, for the girl. These are called maisiwa (goods taken to) at the
boys home because they are the ones who are taking the goods to the girls home and
matlisiwa at the girls home because they are the ones receiving the goods. Giving and
accepting these goods is an indicator to all other men to stay away from the woman, this
also affirms and announces to the rest of the community that the two were fiancs now.

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In the past these goods were taken to the girls home several days after the proposal to
marriage has been accepted. These days they are brought in after the patlo deliberations
are finished. My informants told me that these days the gifts include but are not limited to
a dress, a blanket, shoes, a headscarf and sometimes a watch. They acknowledged that
with time things have changed, the gifts are therefore dependent on the boy, who because
of his financial status decides what he wants to buy. One informant, Mr. Mabodisa
Mabodisa said that presently girls tell their husbands to be what they want as their
matsisiwa. He said one time they had to take a watch as matsisiwa because the boy said
that is what the girl wanted. From this example it is evident that what used to be
considered customary is undergoing change. This is not surprising because culture is
dynamic and not static.
Matsisiwa are brought by the women. They walk in a line with the mmamalome at
the front, and carrying the goods in a suitcase on top her head. She then delivers them to
the girls mmamalome. She receives them amidst ululations. With the delivery and
acceptance of the gifts the betrothal becomes legally binding and is regarded as complete.
Usually, before the boys family leaves, a small feast is held to celebrate the occasion and
to show that the meeting has been fruitful. From this point on the girl is now bound to the
boy and she must also watch her conduct and behave well especially in the presence of
her in-laws because failure to do so may result in the dissolution of the engagement. My
informants stressed the fact that the girl should refrain from visiting the boys home until
she is actually married to him, that is, after the wedding celebration has taken place and
she is taken to his home by her parents. But, the boy may visit the girls home at any
time, actually he is expected to do so frequently. When he visits, he is treated with great

65

respect and special hospitality (Schapera 1941: 75). I was told that patlo literally gives
the couple permission to engage in sexual relations.
Though my informants did not talk about the following two rituals, Schaperas
research shows that they used to be performed before the patlo was finally concluded.
The first one is that in the evening the boys uncle takes him to the girls home to
introduce or present him to the girls parents as their son-in-law and to the girl herself as
her future husband. He is told to feel free to visit whenever he feels like it. The second
one is that the girls parents make beer and invite the boys people to come and drink.
This beer is known as the sandals because of the many visits paid by the
intermediaries or as inspection of the compound because the boys relatives are now
officially introduced to those of the girl (Schapera 1941: 76). The purpose of this
occasion is to acquaint the two sets of families with one another, and to strengthen the
union that will henceforth prevail between them. Normally, the boy and his parents do
not attend this gathering but the latter go there the following evening to drink the beer
reserved for them.
Once the patlo is completed the boy and girl are regarded as husband and wife.
The boys family calls the girl ngwetsi (daughter-in-law) and the girls family in turn
calls him mogwe (son-in-law). The two families regard each other as relatives-in-law.
The boys family refers to the girls family as bagwagwadi and the girls family refers to
the boys family as bakgwanyana/bagwe. This new status gives the girl full rights to her
husbands property and from this point onwards she can freely take part in family matters
related to her husbands family. In addition, should her husband die before they are
officially married, she is expected to mourn her husbands death the traditional way

66

which includes wearing a black outfit for a year. She is also given traditional medicines
to cure her from boswagadi that is ailments associated with widowhood. It is common
that a considerable amount of time elapses between the patlo and the lenyalo (wedding
celebration). There is no definitive time schedule but it may range from three months to a
year or even more. In the past a year or two would pass between the patlo and the lenyalo
(wedding celebration) itself but nowadays very little time passes between the patlo and
the wedding. It is not unusual these days for the wedding to take place three months or so
after the patlo.
The last requirement of the marriage process is the giving of bogadi to the girls
family by the boys family (Comaroff, 1981, Schapera 1941). Bogadi is usually given a
day before the wedding celebration. So since wedding celebrations are held on Saturdays,
bogadi is given on Fridays. According to Sekgatla tradition, the bogadi is given by the
grooms father not the groom himself. Schapera and Comaroff (1991) assert that, in
Tswana law however, no marriage was considered valid unless and until bogadi had been
given (35). The above is true because even today people who have been married for
many years but did not give bogadi then are doing so now. This shows that even if the
couple is allowed to stay together before bogadi is given, at one point in their lives this
tradition has to be fulfilled. Furthermore, giving bogadi legitimizes the children as
belonging to their father and gives the wife full rights to her husbands property. Bogadi
is given as a token of appreciation to the brides family hence the number was decided by
the grooms people alone, the brides having no say in the matter (Schapera and
Comaroff 1991: 35). In addition, bogadi is a symbolic means for compensating the

67

parents for bringing up the daughter and for the loss of her services and reproductive
value to her original family.
My informants insisted that in the Kgatleng district bogadi ga bo na seelo
meaning there is no limit or a set number of cattle to be given as bogadi. They said the
minimum number of cattle one can offer as bogadi is two but there is no maximum. The
number really depends on the wealth of the grooms father and how proud and excited he
is that his son is getting married, so one can give between two to twelve cows. Another
important fact to note is that only cows and not bulls can be given as bogadi. However,
whatever the number of cattle the suitor gives, it should always be even. If the number is
odd, it is said that bogadi bo a tlhotsa, literally the brideprice is limping and therefore
cannot be accepted. In addition men are encouraged to give heifers as bogadi. If a man
does that it is considered a sign of self-respect. However, if one of the cattle to be offered
is an ox, this has to be made known to the brides family long before the cattle are
brought to the family. This is a matter that needs to be discussed or negotiated before the
bogadi can be accepted. Men are encouraged to give heifers because they will multiply as
the woman is also expected to bear children. Also a bull is usually ferocious and unruly,
so it would bring bad luck to the marriage. Giving a bull is taken as an insult to the
brides family because it is believed that it indirectly implies that the marriage will be
riddled with conflicts and fights. Others say that it gives the impression that the bride has
the characteristics of a bull.
Botswana is a multicultural and multilingual nation so there are similarities and
differences in the cultural practices of the different ethnic groups in the country. Bakgatla
told me that there have been significant changes in the bogadi tradition. They attribute

68

these changes to inter-ethnic marriages. They told me that when their sons marry outside
Kgatleng they are asked to give as much as ten cattle for bogadi. Sometimes they are
asked to do other things in addition to the cattle they would have given such as to build a
house at the girls home and to buy clothes for the girls parents, uncles and aunts. This
also shows that among other ethnic groups it is the girls people who determine what the
bogadi should be. Consequently, when their daughters get married elsewhere, that is
outside Kgatleng, some Bakgatla ask for more cattle because they have been made to
give a lot of cattle in previous instances; this is a form of revenge. But they insisted that
they still adhere to the tradition that bogadi has no limits when the marriage is between
Bakgatla. They maintain that if the marriage is between Bakgatla two cows are
acceptable but, when their sons marry outside they just follow the demands of their inlaws to be.
Another significant change is that people no longer respect the tradition that
bogadi should be given in the form of cattle, a lot of people now give money instead.
Monetary brideprice is a recent phenomenon. If bogadi is given in cash form the value
of each head of cattle is nominal as opposed to actual (Dow and Kidd 1994: 19). My
informants also argued that these changes have totally changed the initial intention of this
ritual, it is no longer seen as a token of appreciation now but rather as payment or buying
of a woman. They insisted that this attitude is wrong because a human being cannot be
priced. Those who have this attitude tend to ill-treat and disrespect their wives or
daughters-in-law because they see them as commodities. This attitude and behavior has
also led to a high divorce rate in the country.

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Finally, when the boys parents are ready for the lenyalo (wedding celebration) to
take place they send the boys uncle to inform the girls parents and to obtain their
consent on the date. If they agree on the suggested date, preparations for the celebration
begin. In addition to agreeing on the date, the two families also have to agree on where
the marriage is going to take place. Botswana has a dual system of laws, customary law
and common law. As a result, two types of marriage laws apply leading to two types of
marriages, customary and statutory marriage. Those who marry at the kgotla are doing so
under customary law and those who get married at the District Office do so under
common law.
Solemnization of Marriage
In Botswana marriage can be solemnized at three different places namely, the
kgotla, the church or the District Office. The procedure for the three is relatively similar
with slight variations. First, the couple must give notice of their intention to marry to
either the chief, or the District Officer or the priest or pastor depending on where they
want their marriage to be solemnized. This notice is done by filling in forms and when
the forms are signed, the office of the Registrar will put them on a public notice board for
a period of 21 days at the kgotla, district offices and the church respectively. This period
of 21 days allows any person who has an objection to the marriage to do so. In most
churches the banns are read for three consecutive Sundays before the wedding day so that
if anybody who wishes to stop the marriage can do so. If nobody comes forth with an
objection after 21 days then the solemnization can take place.

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Kgotla Marriage
A kgotla marriage is solemnized by the chief or the deputy chief in the presence
of the boys and the girls families. This is performed on a Wednesday. Usually the
people attending this ceremony are the ones who were involved in the patlo. But, they
may be joined by a few other members of the families such as the couples siblings. Like
the patlo, the parents of the boy and girl do not attend this ceremony. The girl normally
wears a very beautiful two-piece suit for this day and the boy wears a beautiful suit too.
One of the ceremonies I observed and attended was the marriage between
Khutsafalo Mooketsi and Kgwefane Ralefala of Mabodisa and Rampedi wards
respectively. The marriage officer was Kgosi Komane. I observed that the families sat on
different sides in the room where the solemnization took place. The ceremony lasted
about an hour. The chief started by welcoming the families and thanking them for coming
to be witnesses to the union or marriage. After this he basically counseled the couple
about married life. He also talked to the families asking them to respect this marriage and
to allow the couple to run the affairs of their home with little or no interference from
them. He said he always has to stress this point because many marriages fall apart not
because the couple is no longer in love but because of the problems that are brought
about by the intrusion of family members. For example when solemnizing the marriage
between Khutsafalo Mooketsi and Kgwefane Ralefala, Kgosi Komane said;
Ke motho o ke nang le tumelo ya gore re a bo re le mo monateng yaaka re
abo re nyadisa yaana. Mme same ke gore a e re jaaka ha re ntse jaana re le
bagaabo Kgwefane le Khutsafalo e be re kopane re le mowa mongwe. Re
kopane tumelo ya rona e le go bopa lesika. Mme lesika kana le bopelwa
mo leratong. Bana jaaka ha ba ntse jaana go be le tsile fano jaana le
tsisitswe ke lerato la bone. Lona le tshwanetse go rotloetsa lerato la bana
ba, le tshwanetse la sireletsa lerato le le le batsaidi.Mme keletso yame
ke gore ka nako nngwe le nngwe rona batsadi e seka ya ba ya nna rona re

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tlhatlhamololang lerato le beng ba lona ba le ipopetseng. Ke bua selo se ke

se etseng tlhoko bagaetsho, re na le mokgwa o e a reng motho ngwana wa
gagwe a nyetse a bo a santse a batla go laola monna o a mo fileng mosadi
ka fa ene a ratang ka teng.
I believe that we are happy because of the marriage. But, I want to say that
as we are gathered here as Kgwefane and Khutsafalos families let us be
united by one principle/idea. Our principle should be that of forming a
family. But, a family is formed and based on love. You are gathered here
today because of their love. As parents you have to nourish and protect
this loveMy wish is that as parents we should not be the ones destroying
the love that the two have built for themselves. I am talking about
something that I have explored very closely. We have a tendency of
wanting to give orders to our sons after they are married.

He urged the parents to respect the fact that their sons are married. He also urged
them to welcome their daughter-in-law whole-heartedly and to make her feel at home. If
they do that she will be happy and everything will be fine. In talking to the groom, Kgosi
Komane told him that he must acquaint his wife with members of Rampedi ward. He said
this is important because according to Setswana tradition a woman is a wife not only to
her husband but to the rest of the ward. This means she has to take part in the activities of
the ward such as funerals and weddings. He encouraged him to be kind to his wife and to
take care of his wife. For the bride he said she has made a choice so she must stick to it.
She should also take care of her husband. He advised the couple to respect each other for
the success of the marriage.
After the counseling session, the couple was asked to stand up and put the
wedding rings on each others fingers. The couple did not make any marriage vows. The
groom put the ring on the brides finger first, then the bride on the grooms finger. The
couple then kissed amidst ululations. They were then declared as husband and wife.
Following the exchange of the rings, the couple then signed the marriage

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certificate. The witnesses were the maternal aunt and maternal uncle for the bride and
groom respectively. The families left the room singing and ululating, these are signs of
happiness. It should be noted that in the past there was no marriage certificate when
people married at the kgotla. Magaisa (1997) points out that customary marriage may
have legal certification if solemnized in court, but usually it is based on social recognition
rather than legal certification. The validity of customary marriages is dependent on the
consent of the father or guardian of the girl and the fulfillment of some traditional social
procedures and requirements, in particular, the payment of bridewealth (Magaisa 1997:
142).
District Commissioner Marriage
The solemnization of marriages at the District Commissioner (DC) is commonly
referred to as lenyalo la kwa ga molaodi takes place on Thursdays. The DC for the
Kgatleng District during my research was Mr. Ongadile. He told me that he is responsible
for solemnizing all marriages in the district which comprises ten villages. His Thursdays
are always very busy. For example, on Thursday, November 21, 2002 he had 40 couples
to marry. I was unable to interview him until the second week of December because of
his heavy schedule. It is very common in Botswana for people to get married in
December. The heavy schedule is not only felt by the DC but by the priests and the chiefs
as well.
Before the DC can permit a marriage, he or she must ensure that both of the
parties are over 21 years of age and if they are younger, that they both have the necessary
permission from their parents or guardians. This consent is not applicable if a party is
widowed. It should also be established that there is no family relationship between the

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two. That none of the parties is married to any other person, whether under custom or
statute. In addition, he or she explains in detail the marriage property act and asks the
couple thereafter which of the two they are opting for. Basically, there are two ways that
the couple can choose from. These are known as marrying in community of property and
marrying out of community of property. The first means that the couple will share
everything equally even in case of a divorce. The second means that the couple will do
their things independently. As part of the explanation for the concept of marrying in
community of property Mr. Ongadile said;
Ha re re re kopanela dilwana go raya gore sengwe le sengwe se re se
itirelang re se dira ka tsone dilwana tsone tseo. Go bo go raya gore
mathata a mongwe le mongwe wa rona a nang nao e nna mathata a rona.
Ha e le gore mme ka fa o na le mathata a go tlhokomela motsadi, ga gona
ka fa a ka mo tlhokomelang ka teng a sa dirise dilwana tsone tseo. Seo se
raya gore o felela a dirisa dilwana tse go tlhokomela motsadi. Go bo go
raya gore yo a tlhakanentseng dilwana le ene o na le seabe mo go
tlhokomeleng motsadi.
When you say you are marrying in community of property it means that
everything you do, you use these things. That also means the problems of
one become the problem of the other. If the wife has a problem of taking
care of her parents, there is no way she can do that without using your
property. She will end up using the property. That means that the one she
is sharing the property with also plays a role in taking care of the parents.

Like the chief, the DC counsels the couple and their families before solemnizing
the marriage. For example, he encouraged the couple to love each other freely; they
should not listen to gossip because it is common that when the couple expresses their
love freely, the wife is accused of bewitching her husband. The couple should respect
each other and be open and honest to one another. He also told the families to stay out of
the affairs of the couple; to help the couple to build their relationship and family, give
them appropriate advice and not help them to divorce. He said he has realized that

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marriages last longer if the parents encourage it because when problems arise they
quickly come in and resolve the conflict amicably and everything goes back to normal.
But, again most marriages end not because the couple is no longer in love but rather
because of the interference of parents.
After giving his advice, the DC asked the couple to stand up and take their
marriage vows. They each took their vows with their right hand raised. The first to take
the vows is the groom. He repeated the following words after the DC:
Nna ke le Rapula Manyadi ke ikana e le ruri gore ga ke itse sepe
sekgoreletsi se se ka nkitsang go tsena mo nyalong le Naledi Segale yo o
leng teng fano. Ke kopa botlhe ba ba leng fano go nna basupi gore nna
Rapula Manyadi ke tsaya Naledi Segale go nna mosadi wame ka fa
molaong.
I, Rapula Manyadi do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful
impediment why I Rapula Manyadi may not be joined in matrimony to
Naledi Segale here present. I call upon these persons here to witness that I
Rapula Manyadi do take Naledi Segale to be my lawful wedded wife.

After saying the above words, the bridegroom is asked to put the wedding ring on
the brides finger. The bride repeats the above words and then puts the wedding ring on
the bridegrooms finger. The DC then asks them to give each other the right hand and
then to kiss. As they kiss, the women ululate. Ululation is a sign of happiness. The DC
then declares the marriage solemnized by saying:
Ke tlhomamisa gore Rapula Manyadi le Naledi Segale ba ba fano gore ba
golagantswe ka fa molaong go nna monna le mosadi.
I declare that Rapula Manyadi and Naledi Segale here present are lawfully
joined together in matrimony.

He shakes hands with the couple and wishes them well in their marriage. He also
gives the bridegroom the marriage certificate. They leave the room amidst singing and

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ululation. From the DCs office the two families go to the brides home where there is
usually food and drinks. This ceremony is generally small especially if there is going to
be a wedding celebration on Saturday. If there is no wedding celebration on Saturday,
people will still spend the day feasting at the brides home until late afternoon when she
will be counseled and taken to her in-laws home.
The above marriage is called a civil marriage. This type of marriage is
monogamous marriage. If any one of the parties marries anyone else, whether under the
statute or custom, they are guilty of bigamy and can be imprisoned for up to five years.
Anybody is free to contract a statutory marriage. Bowman and Kuenyehia (2003)
observed the following about statutory marriage in Zambia:
In practice, it is mostly the educated community that makes most use of
statutory law. The reason for this would seem to be that they are for the
most part the more knowledgeable section of the community about the
existence and implications of statutory marriage. There is also the desire
for security on the part of women in the sense that a statutory marriage
ensures a monogamous marriage and ensures such benefits as alimony
after divorce. Some people contracting civil marriage, however, do so
because it would appear they regarded statutory marriage as superior in
status to customary marriage. In addition, some people do so not because
it is fashionable but, out of a genuine desire to comply with their Christian
ethics. It is almost an invariable practice for couples marrying under the
statute to combine it with customary forms or ceremonies, contracting
some kind of double marriage. This is the inevitable consequence of the
juxtaposition of the two cultures. The modern African is perpetually trying
to adjust his life to the demands of both. (Bowman & Kuenyehia, 2003: 34).

Much as I agree with their observations, I also think that in Botswana, people
utilize all three places. For example, while doing my research I found that there were as
many banns at the kgotla, as they were at the church (es) and the DCs respectively.
Since polygamy was abolished long time ago in Botswana, everyone is certain of a

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monogamous marriage irrespective of where the marriage is solemnized. Some people

told me that they prefer to marry at the kgotla because if the marriage does not work they
are sure the property will be divided equally unlike if they were married at the DC. They
said to dissolve the latter requires a lot of money and in the end it is the one who has
enough money to hire a good lawyer who wins the case and gets away with a lot of
things. On the contrary, some people argued that getting married at the DC is good
because the couple get to choose whether they want to marry in community of property
or out of community of property. This decision helps in times of divorce and in most
cases the woman is given custody of the children. However, I concur with Bowman and
Kuenyehias observation that some of the intricacies of a civil marriage are best
understood by the educated members of the society.
Mr. Ongadile also explained to me that a couple may also marry under a special
licence. A special licence is a permit to marry in special circumstances. Perhaps the
parties are unable to give notice of 21 days or they are unable to marry in a building
gazetted as a building in which marriage can take place. Before the DC can grant a
special licence he or she must be satisfied by evidence under oath or by affidavit that
there is no legal impediment to the marriage of the couple. The couple will then pay a fee
and be allowed to marry without publication of the banns.
Religious Marriage
There are many churches in Mochudi and Sikwane, but the main ones are the
Dutch Reformed Church and the Roman Catholic Church. Some people prefer to
solemnize their marriage in church, however, they still have to fill property rights forms
at the DCs office. The couple may decide to marry in community of property or out of

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community of property. A church wedding refers mainly to a Christian wedding;

however, there are other religious ceremonies such as Bahai, Muslim, and Hindu.
Church weddings usually take place on Saturdays followed by a wedding celebration at
the brides home that day and the following day or the following Saturday at the grooms
home. The description below is for a marriage solemnized at the Roman Catholic Church
in Mochudi.
As the bridal party enters the church, the church choir and congregation ushers
them in with hymns. The groom and his groomsmen enter the church first and sit at their
respective place in the church. A short while later the bridesmaids enter the church. After
sitting at their respective place which is usually opposite the groomsmen, the father of the
bride then walks her down the aisle. The singing continues until she reaches the front of
the church and stands next to the groom. The bride and groom sit at the altar and the
bridesmaids and groomsmen sit below them. The wedding solemnization is conducted by
the priest. A Holy Mass is held and on this day the readings and the sermon will be about
marriage. The priest explains to the couple and all those present what constitutes a
Christian marriage. He further explains to the couple what is expected of them such as to
follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. They are also told to bring up the children they will
have in the Christian faith.
After the above, the priest asks the couple to stand up and asks the groom and
bride the following question separately, starting with the groom;
Rara: Kabelo Molefe a o bolela phatlalatsa fa o sa itse kgoreletso epe ya
molao e e go thibelang go nyalana le Dineo Setlhare yo o fano. Ebile o
kopa batho botlhe ba ba fano go nna basupi gore o tsayana le Dineo
Setlhare yo jaanong e tla nnang mosadi wa gago ka molao.
Kabelo: Ee Rara ke bolela jalo

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Priest: Kabelo Molefe do you solemnly declare that you do not know of
any lawful impediment why you may not be joined in Holy matrimony
with Dineo Setlhare who is present here. And that you ask all those
present here to witness that you take Dineo Setlhare to be your lawful
wedded wife.
Kabelo: Yes Father I declare so.

Following the above declaration, the couple is asked to hold each other by the
right hand and to make their marriage vows. The groom says his marital vows first,
followed by the bride.
Rara: Kabelo Molefe a o rata go tsaya Dineo Setlhare go nna mosadi wa
gago?
Kabelo: Ee Rara ke rata jalo.
Rara: A o solofetsa go ikanyega le ha go ka nna maswe kgotsa ga nna go
ntle, le fa go ka nna le botlhoko kgotsa a sa itekanela sentle?
Kabelo: Ee Rara ke solofetsa jalo.
Rara: A o solofetsa go mo rata le go mo tlotla malatsi otlhe a botshelo ba
gago?
Kabelo: Ee Rara ke solofetsa jalo.
Priest: Kabelo Molefe do you wish to take Dineo Setlhare to be your wife?
Kabelo: Yes Father that is my wish.
Priest: Do you promise to be trustworthy in good times and in bad times,
in times of sorrow or bad health?
Kabelo: Yes Father I promise to do that.
Priest: Do you promise to love and to cherish her all the days of your life?
Kabelo: Yes Father I promise to do that.

The priest then declares them husband and wife by saying;

Ke bolela phatlalatsa fa Kabelo Molefe le Dineo Setlhare ba ba fano ba ba
nyalane ka fa molaong. A morena a lo thatafatse mme a lo segofatse. Mme
a se Modimo o se kopantseng a motho ope a se se kgaoganye.
I publicly declare that Kabelo Molefe and Dineo Setlhare who are present
here are lawfully joined together in matrimony. May God strengthen and
bless you. What God has put together let no man put asunder.

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Following this, the priest then blesses the wedding rings by sprinkling them with
Holy water. As he does that he says may God bless these rings which are a sign of the
love you have for each other and of your trustworthiness for each other. The new couple
is then asked to exchange their wedding rings; the groom first followed by the bride. As
they put on the rings they repeat the following words after the priest, the groom first:
Dineo tsaya palamonwana e, e le sesupo sa lorato le ke go ratang ka lone,
le boikanyego jo ke tla ikanyegang ka bone. Ka leina la rara, le la morwa
le la moya o o boitshepo, Amen.
Dineo take this ring, it is a sign of the love I have for you and the
trustworthiness I will have. In the name of the father, the son and the holy
spirit, Amen.

The priest then says, you may kiss the bride. As the couple kisses there is
ululation and jubilation in the church. This is followed by a prayer to bless the couple and
to wish them well in their new life. The priest then shakes hands with the newly-wedded
couple. The church choir and the congregation sing hymns related to marriage as
members of the two families come forward to congratulate the new couple. Shortly after
this, the priest continues with the Mass, and the couple receives the Holy Communion.
Singing of the hymns continues as members of the congregation who are Catholics come
to the altar to receive the Holy Communion.
After this the priest asks the couple and their witnesses to come to the altar to sign
the marriage certificate and the church marriage register. The bride signs first followed
by her best lady then the groom signs followed by his best man. As they sign there is
singing and rejoicing in the church. When they are finished, the priest blesses the
occasion and the church service is over. The bridal party leaves the church first followed
by the congregation. What I found very interesting was that immediately after the bridal

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party steps out of the church, the songs being sung change. The people start singing
Setswana wedding songs. After the church service the bridal party usually goes to take
pictures. The common places for taking wedding pictures are Sedibelo Motel gardens,
Phuthadikobo Museum and the Matsieng site. After taking pictures they go to the brides
home to continue with the wedding celebration.
I observed that there is minimal difference between a customary, civil and
religious marriage. At the kgotla the couple does not take marriage vows whereas they do
so at the DCs and the church. Also, at the kgotla the chief does not ask the couple about
property. I was told that the question is not necessary because according to custom and
tradition, it is assumed that they are going to start a new life together and whatever they
had acquired before they married belongs to both of them. Most of the elders I
interviewed did not like this question because they said it encourages individualism
which finally leads to divorce. They argued that most divorces in Botswana are between
people who married at the DC and they attribute the high divorce rate to the issue of
property. They believe that if people get married they should start a life together; they
should share whatever they had acquired before they got married. That is why in case of a
divorce the kgotla usually divides the property equally between the couple. I also noted
that some people who married at the kgotla or at the DCs go to the church to bless their
marriages.
Now that the couple has been legally married, let us take a tour to see how a
wedding is celebrated among the Bakgatla.

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CHAPTER 4
The Wedding Celebration: A Village and Ritual Event
This chapter discusses the celebration of a wedding among the Bakgatla. The
chapter will look at the preparations made for the wedding; the food cooked on this
special day; the different people involved on this day and what their involvement is; the
performance of the wedding song and peoples attitude and reaction to these songs; the
significance of the counseling session and reading of the gifts.
Preparations for the wedding
In Botswana, wedding celebrations are usually held on Saturdays. The most
common type of wedding in Botswana is a lenyalo la lesire (white wedding). It is called
the white wedding because the bride wears a long white wedding gown though there are
instances where the wedding gown is off-white in color. The off-white color is usually
worn by a bride who already has a child. There are also other instances where the bride
may wear a very beautiful two-piece suit and not a wedding gown. The preparations
discussed below are based on a white wedding celebration.
The first and foremost preparation is to choose and sew the wedding gown.
Traditionally, it is the responsibility of the boys family to buy the wedding gown. Since
the dresses were usually made in the village it was also their responsibility to identify a
tailor to sew the dress. After doing so, the boys rakgadi and mmamalome would
accompany the girl to the tailor they have chosen to take her measurements so that the
dress could be made. Thereafter, every time she needed to go and try on the dress they
had to accompany her, she was not allowed to go there alone. When the dress was
finished it was kept at the tailors home until the wedding day. So in the past the bride

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dressed at the tailors home. My informants argued that this was convenient for
everybody because it was the tailor who knew how the dress had to be worn.
Things have greatly changed in the present day. First, the girl goes alone to find
and choose a tailor for her wedding gown. At times she may be accompanied by her
fianc, her sister, her cousin or even a close friend. Evidently, there is very little or no
parental involvement in this matter. Secondly, people have their wedding gowns made
anywhere but mostly in Gaborone, the capital city of Botswana. Some people even have
their dresses made in South Africa in places like Johannesburg, Rustenburg and
Mafikeng. When the dress is finished the groom keeps it at his parents home until the
wedding day. On the morning of the wedding day, the grooms maternal and paternal
aunts and a few other relatives take the dress to where the bride is going to dress. These
days there seems to be no set rule as to where the bride dresses. But, I was informed that
she can never dress at her parents home. She can do so anywhere else for example, at a
relatives home such as an uncle or aunt, parents friends house, the brides friends
home and so forth
The choice of the bridal party is usually done concurrently with the choice of the
tailor and pattern of the wedding gown. In the past the bridesmaids and groomsmen were
always close relatives of the bride and groom. It was mandatory that one of them had to
be the child of the bride and grooms paternal and maternal uncles. This shows the
communal spirit that existed between members of the family in the past. It also shows
that parents were actively involved in the preparations of their childrens wedding
celebration unlike today. Nowadays the bride and groom decide on their own who they
want as their bridesmaid and groomsmen respectively. After deciding, they approach the

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individual themselves. Due to this change, these days the bridal party consists mainly of
the bride and grooms friends and not necessarily their relatives though one or two may
be related to them. In some cases they are not even known by the parents of the bride or
groom because they may be friends they met at school or work.
One factor that influences the choice of bridesmaids and groomsmen is money
because they have to buy the clothes themselves and most of the clothes are very
expensive. Usually the bride, groom and the bridal party change their attire two or three
times on the wedding day. Therefore if one agrees to be a bridesmaid or groomsman, they
should be prepared to spend a lot of money. Once people agree to be in the bridal party,
they meet and choose their attire and a tailor to make the clothes for them. They may or
may not be made by the same person making the brides dress. Sometimes the men buy
ready-made suits from the shops other times they have their attire tailor-made too. It is
very rare for the bridal party especially the bridesmaids to wear ready-made clothes.
Another interesting part of the preparations and one which shows familial
involvement and unity is that in the past, a month or so before the wedding the maternal
uncles daughter moved to the brides home to be her lady in waiting. Unfortunately, this
practice has since died out. The brides cousin moved in with her because the bride was
kept in confinement in the house for two to three weeks. Schapera says she does not
leave the hut unless to relieve herself and is then always accompanied by another girl and
she wears a heavy disguise (Schapera 1994: 76). She was kept inside so that she could
gain weight and have a beautiful complexion for she had to be radiant on the wedding
day. Bride confinement is no longer practiced because most have full time jobs so it is
difficult for them to take longer days of absence. Furthermore, with the availability of

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beauty products such as make-up, the bride no longer needs to be kept in confinement for
complexion or to look beautiful. In addition, these days, brides like and want to look
slim. So they manage their weight by working out and eating well months before their
wedding day. But, it is also not surprising to hear older people commenting that the bride
is too thin because traditionally a bride should be fat. The bridesmaids only join her on
the day of the wedding.
A month or so before the wedding, the homes of the bride and groom are bubbling
with energy; relatives and friends come from all over the country days before the
wedding to help with the necessary preparations and organization. These preparations
include cleaning and decorating the bride and grooms homes. In the past when most
homes were made of mud the female relatives would plaster and decorate the walls of the
huts with mud mixed with cow dung. They would also make fancy patterns on the floor
of the lolwapa. This is known as go kgapha in Setswana. The men would mend the fence
by using new tree branches. They would also go and get firewood. These days most
homes have modern houses made of cement so the houses in the yard are repainted in
preparation for the wedding. Most homes also have barbed wire for their fences so the
men do not have to mend anything.
As mentioned earlier, Batswana are farmers and their staple food is sorghum. The
sorghum is also used to make bojalwa jwa Setswana (traditional beer). It is customary
that there must be traditional beer at a wedding celebration otherwise the celebration fails
to meet the required traditional standards. The beer is prepared by women. Since the beer
takes a while to brew the women start preparing it a week or so before the wedding
celebration. While the women brew the beer, the men build a leobo (shelter) made from

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tree shrubs. In the past this was where the bride and groom and the bridal party would sit
but these days tents have replaced these shelters; so maobo (shelters) are rarely ever built.
Now there are many catering companies, so people hire tents, chairs, tables,
tablecloths and overlays, sometimes even flowers and plants for decorations. Other things
that people rent are serving bowls and spoons, plates, dessert bowls, glasses, forks, knives
and spoons. Disposable plates, glasses, and cutlery are also bought to supplement the
above. Catering is made difficult by the fact that one never really knows how many
people will turn up since everybody is welcome to this occasion. But, in some
households, family members bring their own plates, forks, big dishes and so forth to
reduce the costs of hiring these items. Some people hire decorators to lessen the workload
for relatives and friends who will be helping. It should be noted that the above vary from
family to family. It really depends on their financial standing and how much they intend
to spend on the wedding. Because the tent cannot accommodate everybody present, it is
normally reserved for the bridal party and invited guests, and the rest of the people find a
place to sit or stand in the lolwapa.
Finally, it was and it still is common that the two families have a uniform for the
wedding. The boys familys uniform is always different from the girls family. They
choose a cloth out of which each person is free to sew whatever pattern they want.
Women usually make dresses or two-piece suits whereas men make shirts and wear their
own trousers. Sometimes the uniform may be a T-shirt with the photograph of the couple,
or a headscarf for the women. In some instances women buy ready-made overall dresses
as uniform. Each family wears their uniform the day the celebration is at their home. So
the uniform is a form of identity, it gives them pride and a sense of unity and

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togetherness. It also makes it easy for the guests to know who to ask if they need
something. All the above shows the importance of good familial and social relationships.
Under normal circumstances relatives should help and support each other.
The wedding ceremony is a rite of passage which not only marks the bride and
bridegrooms change of social status from being single individuals to a married couple,
but it is also an occasion in which they pledge before the public their love and
commitment to each other. The passage of the groom and bride into another age group is
not only its goal, but also its meaning. For the wedding, a horizontal passage is the
passage from one family to the other, from one village to another, one clan to another etc.
While a vertical one is the passage of the groom and bride from a younger peoples group
into an older group.
A Sekgatla wedding celebration fulfills the characteristics of a cultural
performance as outlined by Richard Bauman (1989). This is because a wedding
celebration is scheduled, and prepared for in advance; it is temporally bounded, that is, it
has a beginning and an end; it is spatially bounded, that is, it takes place in a space that is
symbolically marked off; wedding celebrations are also programmed; and they are
coordinated public occasions, open to view by an audience and to collective participation,
in short they are occasions for people to come together and enjoy themselves (Bauman
1989). Cultural performances are a mirror of the societys values, belief systems, patterns
of action, and structures of social relations. The audience for these performances is
mixed, that is it comprises men, women, and children that may include parents, relatives
and invited guests as well as the bride and groom. A wedding celebration creates an
interactive space for both men and women of all ages and classes.

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In the Setswana cultural setting, a wedding is a social event and ritual in which
the bride and groom are socialized into their new roles as husband and wife through a
traditional process that involves by necessity song and dance. This means that there is no
wedding celebration where there is no singing and dancing. Therefore, the main and only
occasion for the performance of wedding songs is a wedding celebration. In fact most if
not all celebrations in Botswana are characterized by song and dance, for example
Independence Day celebrations, installation of a chief, and Christmas and New Year
celebrations. Indeed every occasion has specific songs which distinguish it from the other
activities, for example wedding songs, work songs, and initiation songs.
A wedding celebration is a ritual in that it is an organized event that takes place at
a particular time and place. It is also a formal occasion because it is well-planned for in
advance. Henni Ilomaki has observed that the wedding proceedings uphold the so-called
bipartite model (Ilomaki 1994:149). This means that the first part of the ritual takes place
at the brides home and the second part at the grooms home. In most cases the
celebration usually starts in the morning and ends in the evening. But, some weddings
start in the afternoon, especially those that are held at hotels. In the villages, throughout
the day there is merry-making, eating, drinking, singing and dancing.
A wedding day is a day of celebration, there is lots of food, singing and dancing.
Different family members take care of supervising the food, drinks, and welcoming the
guests. A wedding is a joyous occasion for the happy couple as well as the relatives and
friends who share it. On a wedding day, it is not only the bride and bridegroom who
rejoice but also their friends and relatives as well. In fact, the entire communities of the

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bride and bridegroom rejoice and display collective support and solidarity during the
wedding.
As mentioned earlier, the celebration always starts at the brides place and ends at
the grooms place. My informants told me that in the past, weddings were held on
Thursdays and Fridays at the bride and grooms homes respectively. Nowadays,
weddings take place on Saturday and Sundays, and in some cases it is stretched to two
successive Saturdays. That is the first Saturday the celebration will be at the brides place
and the following Saturday at the grooms place. This change is brought by the fact that
most people work so the weekend is the only free time they have. In addition, since interethnic marriages are common, sometimes people have to travel long distances to the bride
or grooms home. Initially this arrangement was done when the bride and groom were
from different and far apart villages. But, nowadays even if they are from the same
village they still hold the ceremony on two successive weekends. The arrangement gave
the people involved time to travel back and forth between the two locations. Usually,
when the celebration is at the brides home the people present will be mainly her relatives
and friends and the grooms delegation. The same happens at the grooms home.
Since a wedding is an open social event so anybody is welcome to attend, invited
or not. There is also no age restriction as to who can or cannot attend, so the crowd is
normally mixed in age and gender. Furthermore, because of the openness of the event, a
lot of food has to be cooked to cater for all those present. This makes weddings very
expensive because the families have to cater and feed the entire village and their
guests. In this respect the wedding celebration can be called a village wedding. It is taken
badly if people can go to ones wedding and come back hungry.

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In Botswana like in many other African countries whenever there is a celebration,

there has to be food. Margaret Stroebel (1975) in her study of wedding songs from
Mombasa says to enhance their prestige, the bride and grooms families were expected
to spend lavishingly, providing several feasts of high quality food and several dances
(Stroebel 1975:37). Food is a symbol of hospitality and it makes the guests feel welcome.
Food also creates and enhances social relations and bonds between the families and the
wedding attendees. Giving people food is also a sign of generosity of the hosts. Further, it
also instills the concept of communality and discourages individualism on the part of the
newly weds. It is believed that those who eat at a wedding celebration do so with the
intent of wishing the marriage well and long life.
It is a customary that at least one cow should be slaughtered for a wedding
celebration. This is usually done a day before the wedding celebration because Batswana
believe that the meat is easier to cook then. I was told that the maternal uncle has to
contribute a cow, bojalwa ba Setswana and other foodstuffs such as sugar, milk and
bread. One of my informants, Mrs Washene Moloi said,
ke gore ene malome o tshwanetse gore a tle a otla kgomo, e tsamaya ka
maoto a mane. Basadi ba rwele dikupu, disukiri, matlhare, mashwi,
borotho, bojalwa.
The maternal uncle has to bring a cow, it should come walking on its four
legs. The women will be carrying sugar, tea, milk, bread and traditional
beer.
The actual cooking of the food starts early in the morning so that lunch could be
served on time. Lunch is usually served around 1pm but this continues as people keep
coming in at different times. The women prepare all the food except seswaa which is
prepared by men. The menu usually consists of traditional food and Western food. The

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traditional foods are bogobe (traditional sorghum meal), seswaa and samp (hominy)
mixed with beans. The European foods are rice, salads, beef, mutton, lamb and chicken
stews, and puddings (desserts). There is usually homemade bread, fat cakes and scones
(muffins). For refreshments, people are usually served gemmere (ginger), which is a
home brewed ginger drink, sodas such as coke, sprite, and fanta. There are also alcoholic
beverages like beer, wine and whisky.
In addition to the above-mentioned menu, there has to be bojalwa ba Setswana
(traditional beer). Bojalwa ba setswana is made out of sorghum, the staple food of
Botswana. The beer is usually prepared a week or so before the wedding day. It is
prepared by women. This is understandable given that women take care of the crops in
the fields. So while other people are cooking and doing all the necessary preparations for
the wedding, some people especially the older generation will be sitting under the shades
of trees drinking this beer.
On the other hand, seswaa is made from beef. It is virtually overcooked beef that
is crushed. This is a delicacy in Botswana. Seswaa is cooked by men. Men are
responsible for slaughtering the cow and cooking most of the meat. But, the women are
given certain portions of the cow to cook other meat dishes like stew. While cooking,
there will be singing and dancing going on. Seswaa and bojalwa jwa Setswana are the
key components of a wedding celebration in Botswana. A wedding without these is
considered incomplete. This day is a day of celebration so boredom and quietness is
avoided at all costs.
While all the above is happening the bride would be getting ready for the
occasion. On the morning of the wedding day, the grooms maternal and paternal aunts

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together with a few other relatives take the dress to where the bride is going to dress. This
is a performance of gender and power because it is only married women who take part in
the dressing of the bride. In addition, the women are led by the paternal aunt, she gives
orders and others follow. All the power is vested upon her on this day.
As previously mentioned, among the Bakgatla, the bride does not dress at her
parents home, she can dress at her uncle or aunts home or anybody of her parents
choice. However, the bride has to dress in the presence of the grooms people because
they are the ones who bought the dress. Since most of them know very little about the
design of the dress and even how to apply make-up, the brides friend or relative is
allowed to come in and help her. This entire time people will be anxiously singing
outside and urging her to come out so that they can see how beautiful she looks.
If the couple is to get married in church, the bride and bridesmaids arrive there
around 10am. They then leave for church with members of her family especially her
uncles and aunts, friends and other relatives. They always travel in cars that are
beautifully decorated with balloons and ribbons. Like the bride, the groom and his party
travel in beautifully decorated cars too. The groom and his party usually arrive before the
bride and her entourage. They wait for the bride inside the church. Upon arrival of the
bride and her bridesmaids, the bridemaids enter the church first and afterwards the bride
walks down the isle with her father. The church service then begins.
After the church service, the wedding party usually goes and take pictures
somewhere in the village. At this time the bride and groom travel together in the car the
groom came in. As they leave the church there is singing, ululations and dancing. The
people start singing wedding songs immediately she steps out of church. This is a sign of

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tradition and modernity blending and co-existing together. In Mochudi most people like
to take pictures at the museum which is beautifully located on top of the Phuthadikobo
hill. Some people prefer to take their pictures at Sedibelo motel because of its beautiful
gardens.
If they were married by the district commissioner, or at the kgotla, on Friday or
Wednesday respectively, the celebration starts around 12 noon. The groom and his party
will come to the home where the bride is dressing at and join her inside the house. The
bridal party then comes out amidst singing and dancing of wedding songs. The bridal
party dances to one or two songs before they go and sit down to eat. Everybody is
welcome to sing. There is singing and dancing throughout the day.
During one of my interview sessions, while I was interviewing a group of men
and women of Mabodisa ward in Mochudi, they sprang to their feet in the middle of the
interview and started singing, dancing, ululating and reciting poems. When they saw the
puzzled look on my face, one of them Mr. Ntsietala Mabodisa said,
Bona ngwanaka ha re riana re go bontsha lenyalo la mo Kgatleng. Ke gore
dilo tse tsotlhe tse re di dirang tse ke tse re di dirang mo lenyalong. Ga re
batle re nna yaaka ekare re mo lesong, lenyalo la rona le farologana le
leso. Le mong wa lapa ga re mo kope gore re bine, re bina hela. O le a
boka hale, o le a duduetsa haleRe opela gongwe le gongwe mo
lenyalong gore go seka ga nna bodutu.
Look here my child, we are doing this to show you how a wedding is
celebrated in Kgatleng. All that we are doing here is what happens at a
wedding. We do not want it to seem like we are mourning, our wedding is
different from a funeral. We do not even ask the owner of the yard for
permission to dance we just dance. One person would recite a poem there,
another ululate there .We sing everywhere, anytime at a wedding to
avoid boredom.

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As previously mentioned, a wedding celebration is an open event, everybody is

welcome, whether invited or not. There are basically two types of invitations to Botswana
weddings. One can be invited verbally or through an invitation card. Most relatives and
close friends of the bride, groom and their parents are invited by word of mouth.
Invitation cards are usually given to people that the families are not very close to,
respectable people in the society, colleagues, bosses etc. In Botswana it is common that if
you invite somebody with a card it means that that person should just come and eat
without giving a helping hand. In accordance with Setswana culture, relatives are
expected to be friendly, hospitable and to help one another. These obligations apply
especially to close relatives such as ones siblings, aunts and uncles. The distant relatives
unless they are neighbors, seldom figure prominently in a mans everyday life. But they
are invited to attend all occasions of domestic importance (Schapera 1937: 38-39) such as
weddings and funerals.
In the past the bridal party used to sit in a leobo (shade). The leobo has now been
replaced by a tent. The tent is usually very big, with an accommodation capacity of 200
or more people. It is usually beautifully decorated, with balloons, flowers and plants. The
tables will be covered with white tablecloths and overlays matching the attire of the
bridal party. The bride and groom together with their best man and matron of honor sit on
the high table. The other members of the bridal party sit on the tables immediately below
them. All the other guests sit anywhere they want or are ushered to. Those who cannot be
accommodated in the tent sit in the lolwapa and others find a place anywhere in the yard.
Normally, all the different types of dishes prepared are placed on the tables for
people in the tent to serve themselves. The people sitting in the lolwapa and anywhere

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else in the courtyard are usually served from different serving points. In most cases the
food is brought to them by the urshers and helpers. Everybody present is entitled to be
given food whether invited or not. Batswana are very generous with food. It is not
cultural or customary to visit somebody and come back with an empty stomach.
Performance of the songs
According to Ruth Finnegan, rites de passage are very common occasions for
singing. There are songs associated with birth, initiation, betrothal, marriage and funeral.
Such ceremonies are in fact more of an occasion for festivity, which includes song
(Finnegan 1970: 242). Sekgatla wedding songs are performed orally. The common
accompaniment instrument is a whistle. The whistle gives rhythm to the songs. During
the performance there is face-to-face performer and audience interaction and audience
participation (Bauman 1984, Stone 1982). The singing is also accompanied with
ululation, dancing and dramatization. The songs are generally short and repetitive. Most
of them consist of one paragraph. This repetition is meant to produce a certain effect on
the couple who in the near future must, in their everyday life, respect and even apply the
message conveyed in these songs. Thus repetition serves as a form of persuasion (Ndione
1996: 90). Johnston argues that the singing of songs is a ceremonial affirmation of
Tsonga lifeway, and an integrative acculturative mechanism working for conservation of
tradition and kinship relations (Johnston p. 29). The above statement holds true for
wedding songs of the Bakgatla.
Unlike in other African societies such as the Swahili, Hausa of northern Nigeria,
Lebu, and Tsonga (Knappert 1974, Stroebel 1975, Bichi 1985, Johnston 1975) and other
non-African societies such as Arabs, Indians and Romanians, (Mishael and Blessing

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1993, Narayan 1986, Kligman 1984) where the wedding and the performance of wedding
songs is an exclusively womans activity, in Botswana and some societies in southern
Africa such as the Zulu, Xhosa, Basotho, and Ndebele, it is an open event in which men,
women and children participate (Johnston 1975 and 1978, Ntshinga 1991). A wedding is
a day of celebration so everybody is happy and willing to sing and dance on this special
day. Stroebel argues that in sexually segregated Mombasa, weddings have been
primarily womens business and thus highlight the role of women in cultural integration
(Stroebel 1975: 36).
In the Setswana cultural setting, wedding songs are performed by anybody that is
men, women and children. There is no gender discrimination as to who can perform.
Also, wedding songs are performed by a group of people they are never rendered by one
person. In the villages, although families invite guests such as friends and co-workers
who are not from the same village to their daughters or sons wedding celebration, for
the villagers anybody can attend. That is those who are invited or not. It is very common
to hear people saying I hear there is a wedding at so and sos home, I am going there to
see (the bride). Obviously, this person has not been invited but will be welcomed at that
home. The person will be given food to eat, something to drink and will interact easily
with other people present there. The person is also free to sing and dance if he or she
wishes to do so. It is because of this kind of arrangement that I say a wedding in the
Setswana cultural setting is an open social event.
Due to changes taking place within the society some wedding celebrations are
held at hotels and community halls. Admission to such kinds of weddings is restricted.
Usually, families hire a band or a disco machine to provide music and entertainment at

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such weddings but still, the invitees create an opportunity to sing and dance despite this
arrangement. This is evidence that even if people try to move away from their culture
there are still some elements of the culture that they cling to, one such example is singing
and dancing. By Botswana standards a wedding is considered boring if people do not sing
and dance. Somehow, people always create an opportunity for themselves to sing and
dance.
Most of the songs are communal, that is everybody in the society knows them.
The songs have been handed down from generation to generation. This makes taking part
in their performance easy. Younger members of the society learn these songs by listening
to them being performed while they attend wedding celebrations in the village. As they
grow older they start to take part in the singing too. One can argue that an individuals
knowledge of this musical material constitutes an audible sign of social maturity
(Johnston 1975: 29). If the wedding celebration is at the brides home, her relatives and
friends will lead in the singing and vice versa if the celebration is at the grooms home.
There is no systematic rule as to when people can sing and dance. They do so
spontaneously and at the spur of the moment or when other peoples singing inspire
them.
During the performance of wedding songs anybody can start a song, and then the
others join in. In most cases people sing and dance in a circle, they move in a clockwise
direction. Since anybody present at the wedding is free to partake in the singing and
dancing, the size of the circle depends on the number of the people who are singing and
dancing at that time. There is no time limit for a song performance, the song can go on
and on until the performers get tired of it and change to another one. On the other hand if

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one person feels tired or bored of the song she may start a new one in the middle of the
other song, then the others join in. There is also a common formula that people use to
stop a song, one of the singers may shout sixteen or e tshware foo literally meaning,
hold it right there and immediately the singers know that it is about time they change the
song. If they do not stop, then the singer will interrupt by starting a new song in the
middle of the one being sung. Singing at a wedding is voluntary you sing or sit down
whenever you feel like it. But, part of enjoying the wedding celebration is to sing and
dance.
In addition, there is virtually no silence the whole day, the singing goes on from
morning till evening. It is taken badly if there is little or no singing at a wedding. People
will give verbal remarks such as that wedding was boring, there was no singing. It is
very difficult to make a distinction between the performers and the audience at a
wedding. The reason being that at one point somebody will be singing and dancing and
later that same person will be sitting down and maybe chatting with friends or doing
something else. Those who form part of the audience usually give verbal remarks about
the performance, some ululate, while others may whistle as a sign of appreciation and
enjoyment of the performance. It is only in weddings where a choir is hired to sing that
one is able to distinguish between the audience and the performers. But, in most cases
after the choir has performed one or two songs people join them, they sing and dance
alongside it, thus making the distinction between audience and performers very arbitrary
and slim.
Statistics has shown that there are more women than men in Botswana therefore
women dominate in the performance of wedding songs. Some of the messages in the

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songs portray women negatively, endorse stereotypical attitudes about the role of women
in society but unfortunately, it seems like women have accepted these male stereotypical
assumptions about themselves. They ecstatically and unquestionably sing the choral
responses and dance to the tunes that portray them in negative terms (Ogede 1994: 107).
Furthermore, in some societies such as the Hausa of northern Nigeria and Ngoni
the bride takes part in the singing of the wedding songs. Among the Ngoni, the bride
performs a song before she goes to her husbands home. The song is a protest against
marriage for loss of freedom. Bichi further argues that many of the Hausa wedding songs
are sung by the bride and her companions. The bride accuses her parents for her loss of
freedom (Bichi 1985). On the contrary, in Botswana the bride and groom are rendered
mute on this day. They do not sing but they are expected to dance to a few of these
songs. Most of the time the bride and bridegroom are spectators watching the
performance and listening to the songs. A unique situation exists among the Swahili
group because their wedding songs are mainly performed by professional singers.
According to Knappert (1974) the songs are not traditional wedding songs; rather they
are composed by Islamic poets who are often asked to write songs for weddings.
In addition, in the past the bride and groom danced to a few songs but they did not
take part in the singing. Traditionally the bride is supposed to be solemn; she should not
look up, smile or even talk on the wedding day. When she dances, she is supposed to
move slowly and graciously with her head down. But these days the bride dances full
heartedly, smiles, laughs and even speaks freely to guests. One can easily hear comments
such as this bride is shameful, look at her she is talking and dancing freely, what kind of

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a daughter-in-law is she going to be, this boy has married a useless girl. These
comments are usually made by the older members of the society.
On the contrary, the brides feel that this is their day and as such they have to
enjoy it to the fullest. The Setswana society is gender biased hence the nasty comments
above are only directed to the bride. Nobody ever says anything about the groom even if
he dances too much. In fact he will be applauded for his performance.
There are evident changes in the way weddings are celebrated these days in
Botswana. These days, very little singing takes place at weddings because people hire
disco machines to play music at the celebration. Weeks or months before the wedding the
bridal party chooses songs and practices dance steps for those songs; so on the wedding
day they will be the ones dancing most of the time. They will be put on display and
subject to scrutiny and criticism from the public (Bauman 1989). The bride and groom
may dance as much as they want and when they are tired the bridal party continues to
dance while they will be sitting down. This makes all those present to become spectators
and less active. There are of course some people who cannot sit and watch so they join
the bridal party in their dance. Sometimes the bridal party will sit down and people will
dance. Much as this looks beautiful, I believe it is killing the spirit of togetherness that
existed in the not so distant past.
At some weddings the two are done interchangeably, people sing and after a while
music is played on the disco machine. But generally a lot of people prefer a wedding
where there is singing and dancing. This makes them feel as part of the celebration unlike
when they are just spectators. Some people, especially the elderly, have voiced their
displeasure with the disco machines. They say they are too noisy and are killing their

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singing tradition and the spirit of communality. On the contrary, the younger generation
loves this new innovation. The type of music played is the popularized form of traditional
wedding songs. Musicians sing traditional songs accompanied by instruments to produce
CDs, which are then played at weddings.
It is part of the tradition that in the late afternoon the bridal party goes to change
clothes. The bride will take off the wedding gown and wear a beautiful two-piece suit,
with a matching hat. The groom and the rest of the bridal party will also change their
attire. They would then continue with the festivity.
It is very common that friends and relatives give presents at a wedding
celebration. Normally throughout the day there is somebody assigned to receive and
register gifts from guests. There is no restriction as to what can or cannot be given as a
wedding present. But usually, people present what they think will be useful to the bride
and groom as they start their new life or home. Most of the presents are household goods
such as dinner sets, cutlery sets, tea sets, dishes, and pots. Some people give things like
wall hangings, photo albums, hoes, shovels, and wheelbarrows. Others may decide to
give money as a wedding present.
The above presents are usually opened in public later during the day or the next
day depending on how the events of the day unfold. The gifts are usually opened at about
4pm. This is known as time for go bala dimpho (to open the gifts). At this time the
singing and dancing stop as everybody is expected to sit down and listen attentively.
Usually the person who has been accepting and registering the gifts is the one who opens
them. This person is normally a relative of the bride or groom depending on where the

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celebration is held. He or she can be helped by one or two people if the presents are
many.
It is customary that the first present to be opened or announced is that of the
maternal uncle. His presents usually include but are not limited to a cow, bag of sugar,
cartoon of milk, packets of tea, loaves of homemade bread and bojalwa ba Setswana as
mentioned earlier. As these presents are read out loud people would clap hands, ululate
and one person may shout saying a ga se tsona? (is it not them) and the crowd responds
by saying ke tsona (it is them) that is the presents. This is a sign of happiness and
gratitude for the presents.
After opening all the presents, the bride is taken into the house go laiwa (to be
counseled) before she is taken to her new home that is her in-laws home. This process is
done by her own people in the presence of her husband and her in-laws. This is a very
important and revered ritual, attended only by married people and only those who have
gone through the same ritual themselves. Below is a conversation I held with Mrs
Mmanyama Mabodisa about counseling the bride.
Brankie: Mosadi o laiwa ke bo mang?
Mabodisa: O laiwa ke bommaagwe.
Brankie: Go tsena basadi hela?
Mabodisa: Le bontate. O laiwa mo ntlong. Re bitsa batho re re ngwana o a
laiwa.
Brankie: A mongwe le mongwe o a tsena?
Mabodisa: Nyaa go tsena ba lesika, bomalome, borakgadi, jalojalo, eseng
mongwe le mongwe o o ratang. Eseng bana le gone. Ga re kake ra re ge o
sa nyalwa ra be re go raa re re tlaa o lae ngwana, o tla mo laya o reng?
Brankie: Le mo laya le reng?
Mabodisa: Ngwana o a laiwa, o tewa gotwe, ngwanaka jaaka o nyalwa
jaana, o fitlhela digole, o fitlhela dimumu, o fitlhela eng, mme ba botlhe
bao o ba tlhokomele. O tlhatswetse bomatsalaago, o ba apeele, o ba fe
sentle.
Brankie: Who counsels the bride?

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Mabodisa: She is counseled by her female relatives.

Brankie: Is the counseling session attended by women only?
Mabodisa: Even male relatives. She is counseled in the house. We tell
everybody that the bride is going to be counseled.
Brankie: Does everybody go in (to the house)?
Mabodisa: No. Only the relatives go in like uncles, aunts and so forth, not
anybody who wants to. Children do not go in also. If you are not married
we cannot invite you to come and consel the child, what will you say to
her?

Once in a while there are instances where people get married by themselves
without going through the cultural practices of patlo and giving bogadi. Much as the
marriage will be recognized it will not be given the full respect like the one in which all
the rituals were performed. For example, the couple is never assigned duties such as to be
in the delegation to go and seek a wife for a relative. And, they cannot take part in the
counseling session.
Apart from the strict rule of who can or cannot attend the counseling session,
there is also a strict rule of the attire for people who take part in this ritual. Women
usually wear wrap around skirts made from leteitshi, (a german print), white shirts, a
headscarf and a mogagolwane (blanket like shawl). It is mandatory for the men to wear a
shirt and a jacket. Actually, this attire is worn throughout the day by those who are
directly involved in the morero. The attire can be seen as a performance of gender, power
and seniority. It accords those directly involved in the wedding celebration with a high
status and distinguishes them from all the other people present at the occasion.
Furthermore, there are strict rules as to the order to be followed by those who are
going to give a word of advice to the bride. The first person to speak is always the
maternal uncle, followed by the paternal uncle, then their wives, and then other close
relatives. It is not mandatory that everybody present should speak.

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At this session the bride is told how she should behave now that she is a married
woman. For example she is told that she must take care of her in-laws, she must respect
them, be obedient and not bring shame to her family. She is also told that married life is
difficult and as such she must be patient, must persevere, must compromise and be
tolerant.
The following are excerpts of some what was said at one of the counseling
sessions I attended at a wedding in Mochudi. When advising his nephew the paternal
uncle said;
Ngwanaka ko o go yang ga re go itse gongwe o ya go fitlhela difofu le
digole mme o fete o di tlhokomele
My child we do not know where you are going, you may find blind and
disabled people but you must take care of them.
The above piece of advice is meant to teach her to treat her in-laws equally irrespective of
their physical, social and economic status. It is believed that if she does so she will gain
love and respect from her in-laws.

For her part the maternal aunt said;

Mosadi ha go le bokete o itshwarella ka kotana, ga o tswele ko ntle o bua
kana o lla o bontsha mang le mang gore o na le mathata mo lapeng la gago
A woman holds on to the pillar of the house in times of difficulty, you do
not go outside crying and talking thus showing everybody (public) that
you are having problems in your household

The above advice is encouraging her to be strong and to resolve whatever problems she
may encounter in her marriage within the confines of her household. It discourages her
from publicizing her problems as this would bring shame not only to herself but to her
family as well.

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Most brides cry during the counseling sessions probably because they now realize
the seriousness of getting married. They also cry because they begin to think about the
trials and tribulations of married life. They ask themselves what they have put themselves
into and whether they will live to the aforementioned expectations. On the other hand, the
elders become very happy when she cries because to them that is a sign that she is paying
attention to what they are talking about.
There is a close relationship between what is said during the counseling session
and the messages portrayed in the wedding songs. Both talk about societal expectations
of the newly wed couple especially the bride. There are different opinions about this
ritual. The older generation views it positively. They say it helps to reinforce what
marriage entails. It also reinforces what the family wishes and expects from either their
son or daughter. Furthermore, because the counseling is done by married women and
men they know from experience what they are talking about. The session also moulds
behavior.
On the other hand some of the younger generation thinks that counseling is a
waste of time. They argued that the things talked about are outdated because the older
generation has a different life experience. In the past, men worked for their families and
women stayed at home to look after the home and children. These days both husbands
and wives work, so there is no good reason why the wife should stay at home in Mochudi
with her in-laws while the husband works in Francistown. They should go and live
together. This will prevent infidelity and the spread of diseases like HIV/AIDS.
In addition, they argued that it would make sense if the people who counsel are
morally upright. For example, it would be difficult to adhere to the message of an uncle

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or aunt when you know that that is not how he or she behaves. If he says do not beat your
wife or do not have extra marital affairs and yet he does. They think if the truth and
reality of life is talked about at this session, then its purpose will be achieved. Below are
some of the responses I got from Mosidi Phiri.
Brankie: Ka Sekgatla mosadi o laiwa ke baga bone fa pele ga
bomatsalaagwe, monna le ene fela jalo. Ka bo wena o bona mosola wa go
laya ele eng?
Mosidi: Tota ga gona mosola ka gore o tlaabo o laiwa ke batho ba o ba
itseng sentle hela thata, o itse gore ba tsamaisa malapa a bone jang. Ka
gore motho ke malome, kana rakgadi o tshwanetse go bua mme re ntse re
itse gore o na le ntlo e nnye ka fale ebile o e tlhokomela mo phatlalatseng.
Tota yaanong motho o o ntseng jalo o ka laya a reng?
Brankie: According to Sekgatla culture the bride is counseled by her
family in the presence of her in-laws, the same applies to the groom. In
your opinion what is the purpose of counseling?
Mosidi: Truely, there is no purpose because you are counseled by people
that you know very well, you know how they run their families. Just
because a person is your malome or rakgadi he has to speak even though
we know that he has a small house (extra marital affair) that side and he is
taking care of it publicly. Really, what kind of advice can that person give
you?
On the contrary, those who support this ritual, especially the older generation
argued that it helps to educate the newly weds about the intricacies of life. Since they
have experience about married life, they are in a better position to give insights about
what would make a marriage successful or not. Further, they already know what the
expectations of this institution are so they impart these to the newly wed during the
counseling session. But, they also agreed that since culture is not static, there is a need to
change some of the things that are usually talked about during these sessions. In response
to the validity of the counseling session Mrs. Kgaswane and Mrs Segobye had this to say;
Brankie: Mosola wa go laya ke eng?

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MmaKgaswane: Mosola wa go laya ke go tlhalosetsa banyalani ka

lenyalo, re ba bolelela gore ba dire eng, ba seka ba dira eng gore ba
tshidisane sentle.
Brankie: What is the significance of the counseling session?
Mrs Kgaswane: The significance of the counseling session is to advice the
newly wed couple about marriage life. We tell them what they should and
should not do for them to live happily with each other.
Brankie: Mosola wa go laya ke eng?
MmaSegobye: Ee mma re ka laya mosadi ka go mo raya re re a seka a
tshela a le nosi, a itse gore bomatsale ba a tlholwa, monna o a
tlhokomelwa, lapa le lone le a tlhokomelwa jalo jalo. Monna le ene re
mmolelela gore a tlhokomele mosadi ka nako tsotlhe, a mo jese, a mo
apese, a seka a tlhoka sepe. Ga go ntse jalo lenyalo la bone le tla tswelela
ka monate.
Brankie: What is the significance of the counseling session?
Mrs. Segobye: We can advice the bride not to live in isolation. She should
take care of her in-laws; she should take care of her husband and the
household and so forth. We also tell the groom that he must take care of
his wife at all times, he must feed her, clothe her, she should not lack in
anything. If they follow this advice they will continue to have a happy
marriage.

After the counseling session, the next stage is go isa ngwetsi kwa ga matsalaagwe
(to take the bride to her in-laws home). This happens amidst singing, dancing and
ululations. She normally leaves late afternoon. The tradition is that she must get there
before sunset assuming that her in-laws are from the same village. This tally well with the
Setswana view that mosadi ga a tshwanela go phirimelelwa nageng, meaning that a
married woman should always be home before sunset. It is believed that if they bring her
after sunset then they are setting a wrong precedent. She will from thereon continue to
come home late something which her in-laws will not tolerate. If her in-laws are from a
far away village she does not go anywhere, she stays at her home and waits for the
following weekend when she will be taken to her in-laws.

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I was told that in the past the bridal party walked from the brides home to the
grooms home irrespective of the distance they had to cover. Mrs Tladi told me that;
Monyadi wa bogologolo o ne a tsamaya ka dinao. O ne a sa palame koloi.
O ne a tsamaya ka dinao le tsamaya le mo opella go fitlhelela ko lapeng. A
o tswa kwa Morwa, a nyalwa mono (Mochudi), a tsamaya hela a macha, le
opela.
In the past the bride used to walk. She would not ride a car. She would
walk and people would be singing along the way until she reaches home.
It did not matter whether she was from Morwa and getting married here
(Mochudi), she walked and people sang.
She also told me that when she got married in the 1960s they walked from
Mochudi to Morwa village. These villages are 10km apart. She said they did not feel the
distance because there was a lot of the singing and dancing along the way.
Nowadays, the bridal party uses cars. But to conform or maintain the tradition that
the bride should walk to her in-laws home, the bridal party entourage stops a distance
away from the grooms home so that they can literally walk to the yard. The minute the
bride steps out of the car the people accompanying her start to sing. They sing until she
gets to the entrance of the yard where she stops and the grooms maternal uncle recites a
poem. The poem is usually a praise poem of his clan but he also praises his nephew for
bringing them a ngwetsi (daughter-in-law) or a segametsi (drawer of water from the
well). He also welcomes the bride in his praise. After the poem she is now allowed to
enter the yard. At this time there are ululations, singing and verbal comments. There is so
much noise that one can hardly hear what is being said.
As a form of welcome to the bride the men and women especially the paternal and
maternal uncles and aunts perform certain rituals as she enters the compound. The
women welcome her by throwing sorghum grains at her; another would be holding a

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pestle and stamping the ground with it; another would be carrying a baby on her back;
another would be sweeping the ground while another would be imitating how to take out
weeds in the fields using a hoe. For the groom, a man would shoot a gun into the air;
another would brandish an axe in the air; another would imitate chopping wood and
another would drag some bushes on the ground.
The above are symbolic gestures of what is expected of the daughter-in-law and
of their son who is now a married man. These gestures symbolize that as a daughter inlaw she is expected to bear and raise children, sweep or keep the household clean, pound
sorghum and millies, cook and take care of the fields. In other words effective from this
day onwards the welfare of her husband and his family is now her responsibility. On the
other hand the gestures directed at the groom indicate that he is expected to take care of
his wife by building her a home; he should also protect her; he should rear cattle; debush
the fields and cut down trees before ploughing. As the head of the family he is supposed
to provide for all the needs of his wife. She should not lack anything. He must work hard
to sustain her. After all this is done she can now enter the compound amidst singing and
dancing.
The following morning the celebration starts at the grooms home. Like at the
brides home there will be lots of food to eat, singing and dancing. Basically the same
process as at the brides home is followed at the grooms home. The cooking of food and
other preparations would have been started early in the morning. The bridal party would
be ready around 10am and people would start singing and dancing to wedding songs or
dancing to the disco music. After having lunch the bridal party goes and changes the first
attire and comes back to continue with the festivities.

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Later during the day, at about 4pm the groom is taken into the house to be
counseled by his family in the presence of the bride and her people that is, his in-laws.
Usually, the maternal uncle is the one who starts to counsel his nephew, followed by the
paternal uncle, their wives and then other relatives present at this gathering. For example
in one of the counseling sessions I attended the paternal uncle said;
Thebe ngwanaka, yaanong o monna, o nyetse. Ke go laya ke re mosadi ke
galase o a thubega, ka jalo o mo tshware sentle. O tshwanetse go lemela
mosadi wa gago gore a seka a bolawa ke tlala.
Thebe my son, you are now a married man. My advice to you is take care
of your wife. A wife is like a glass. She breaks easily. You must also
plough the fields for your wife so that she does not starve.
For her turn the maternal aunt said;
Thebe ke wena o re phuthileng o re re go go batlela mosadi, re dirile
thomo ya gago, mosadi wa gago keyo. Yaanong e seka ya ba ya re ka
tsatsi lepe ka bona ngwana o wa batho a tlhontse, ke batla go bona
sefatlhogo sa gagwe se phatsima ka nako tsotlhe ka gore re tlaabo re itse
gore o a mo tlhokomela.
Thebe you called us and asked us to go and get you wife. We have
honored your request. Here is your wife. Now, I do not want to see her at
any time with a sulking face. I want to see her with a bright face at all time
because that will show that you are taking good care of her.

From the above quotations it is obvious that the groom is told to take care of his
wife in all respects, he must not ill treat her; he must do everything possible to keep her
happy because otherwise he would bring shame to his family. When this ritual is finished
they all go out amidst singing and ululations. If there is still time, that is, it is not dark
already the presents would be opened. If not, this activity will be done the following
morning. After that the brides family would return to their home or village. But, the
bride will stay at her new home.

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In relation to some of the changes that are taking place these days some people do
not open the presents in public. The younger generation believes that the presents are a
private thing so they prefer to open them at their own time alone. They argue that in that
way they are able to see who bought them what kind of a present. Because when they are
opened in public and in a hurry they sometimes do not hear where the present is from and
the cards that come with them are usually mixed up or lost. But there are still other
people who feel that they should see the presents and rejoice with the couple;
nevertheless reading presents is part of Sekgatla wedding celebration.
By custom the parents of the bride do not accompany their daughter when she is
taken to her in-laws home. Neither do they attend the celebrations there. The same is
true for the grooms parents. But there are people who deviate from this norm and
different people react differently to this kind of behavior. Many feel that it is a sign of
disrespect for the culture and it is shameful while others see nothing wrong with doing
that. I was told that the brides parents are expected to visit their daughters new home
immediately after the wedding because after the visit she is free to go back to her home to
visit her parents, siblings and relatives and even to get some of her belongings. The day
she is taken to her in-laws home she only takes a few items so until her parents visit her
at her new home she cannot go to her parents home. That is why it is important for them
not to take too long before visiting their in-laws. This guards against a situation whereby
maybe somebody at her home passes away. If they had not gone to her new home she
cannot attend the funeral. If they are from the same village the parents usually go the
following morning. If the grooms village is very far they have to make time as soon as
possible to visit.

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The morning after the bride has been taken to her in-laws, she is expected to wake
up very early in the morning and sweep the whole yard. This is a very tedious task
because the yard would be very dirty due to the festivities of yesterday. This is also an
indirect test on the daughter in laws endurance level and to check if she is a hard worker
or not. While sweeping she also has to make the fire and have the water ready to make
tea for her in laws when they wake up. Failure to do all these will result in a conflict with
her mother in law and it will also bring shame to her family because it will be assumed
that her mother did not raise her well nor teach her how to behave as a daughter in law.
Having discussed how a wedding is celebrated among the Bakgatla one can
anticipate the importance of music and the associated arts that is dancing and poetry in
the lives of these people. One can also imagine that the character and way of life of the
Bakgatla is reflected in their music. The following chapter analyzes wedding songs of the
Bakgatla.

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CHAPTER 5
Wedding Songs: Love, Marriage, Familial Relations and Obligations
The aim of this chapter is to analyze the themes portrayed in the wedding songs of
the Bakgatla. By wedding songs I mean songs that are sung or performed at wedding
celebrations and that deal with the theme or issues of love and marriage. The intention is
to find out what messages, beliefs, norms and values are expressed through these songs.
The main question is what we learn from the songs about married life in Botswana. It will
also discuss the perspectives of men and women in relation to the messages portrayed in
the songs and whether there is a discrepancy between the idealized message in the songs
and the lived experiences of the people in contemporary Botswana. Wedding songs are
called dipina tsa lenyalo in Setswana.
The songs analyzed in this chapter and the following one were collected in both
natural and artificial contexts. By artificial context I mean that I initiated the performance
of the songs, by asking the singers to sing for me even though there was no wedding
taking place. The context was formal because it was organized and scheduled by the
mutual agreement between the performers and myself. I had to organize KRT choir, one
of the famous choirs in Mochudi to perform wedding songs for me because I was getting
scared that time was running out and I had not had an opportunity to attend a wedding
celebration and record the songs in the natural context.
Some of the songs used in this dissertation were collected during the course of the
interviews. I asked my informants to sing and provide the meaning of the songs for me
too. In some cases the informants sang the songs spontaneously, that is, without me
asking them to do so. This was a very intriguing and interesting experience for me

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because I was not expecting it. It also provided me with new ideas about performances in
the Setswana cultural context.
Generally, the songs were collected during the actual wedding celebrations. This
is what I refer to as the natural context of the performance of the songs. By collecting the
wedding songs in their natural context I had the opportunity to observe and record what
people actually did rather than what they explained they did during such occasions. And,
as Zainab Haruna (1998) has observed, this method may reveal data, which both the
researcher and informants take so much for granted that they would unlikely talk about
them in interview sessions (Haruna 1998: 6). Performance captured in its natural context
elicits a profound degree of self-consciousness of the performers.
Wedding songs have similar meaning and perform similar functions among
various societies throughout sub-Saharan Africa (Bichi 1985). Setswana wedding songs
deal with issues of marriage and married life in general. The function of Setswana
wedding songs is not just to entertain those present at the wedding celebration but they
are didactic in nature as well. They teach what is socially and culturally acceptable
regarding marriage and married life in general. For example, there are songs that teach
the bride to obey and respect her husband and her in-laws.
In addition, Setswana wedding songs can be seen as a form of social control
because they are sung in order to teach the values Batswana cherish regarding married
life. The songs act as a socialization process for those present at the wedding celebration
because they receive informal training and knowledge for their own future role as
married persons. Therefore, the singers play the role of advisor and marriage counselors.
Through the songs they advice and encourage the married couple to love each other,

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forgive each other, to be patient with each other and to respect each other for the success
of their marriage.
Furthermore, the wedding songs are avenues through which the social and cultural
norms of the society are upheld such as being responsible, respectful and faithful to one
another. The singers therefore sing songs that affirm those values that they believe will
result in a good marriage and also maintain the status quo in marriages. Interestingly,
most of the songs are directed at the bride and very few to the groom. This is because
upon marriage the bride has to go and live with her husband and his people therefore she
is instructed on how to behave when she arrives at her new home.
Setswana wedding songs are generally short. They generally consist of a single
stanza which is repeated many times. Since the songs are short and repetitive, it is fairly
easy for someone hearing them for the first time to join in. But more importantly, this
repetition is meant to have an effect on the bride, who, must respect and even apply the
message conveyed in the songs. Thus, the repetition serves as a form of persuasion.
Below is an analysis of the wedding songs of the Bakgatla.
The songs discussed in this chapter deal with issues of love, peace, good relations
within families, marriage, sexuality and familial obligations and responsibilities. This
shows that marriage is a topic that can be treated in many different ways, not only are its
attractions indicated in song but also its difficulties and absurdities as well. The first song
deals with love and peace in marriage and in families.
Bonang kajeno
Bonang kajeno re kopane
Re kopantswe ke lerato
Lerato tumelo
Lerato, lerato, lerato ke ntho e kgolo
Lerato tumelo

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Lerato, lerato, lerato ke ntho e kgolo

Look today
Look today we are united
We are unified by love
Love and agreement
Love, love, love is a great thing
Love and agreement
Love, love, love is a great thing
The above song is usually sung at the beginning of the wedding celebration. It is a
song that affirms the kopano (unity) between the two families. This unity is brought
about by the lerato (love) the couple has for each other. Basically, it means that it is
because of the bridegroom and the brides love for each other, and proposal for marriage
that people are gathered in the home. The event demonstrates that the parents of the boy
and girl have agreed and blessed this unity through the formal negotiations before the
wedding can take place. The song also affirms that lerato is a good and great thing
because it unites people, who might have not known each other. The phrase ntho e kgolo
(its a great thing) is in the Sesotho language. Probably this could be a result of Bakgatla
being in contact with their relatives in South Africa where this language is spoken.
The song also reinfornces the concept that marriage is not a unity between a man
and a woman only, but it is an extended relations of the families. This is affirmed by the
subjectival concord re (we). Furthermore, the word tumelo (agreement) shows that
marriage among the Bakgatla and other ethnic groups in Botswana entails long
discussions and negotiations between the two families. The culmination of these
negotiations leads to the giving away of the bride which is later celebrated in a wedding
ceremony. The song could also be seen as a plea to the couple to continue to love each
other after the marriage because it is love that brought them together. They are told to

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respect and cherish the unity that their marriage created between the two families. This is
a song about love and happiness. The two families and everybody present at this occasion
are happy that the marriage has taken place. They all wish the couple well in their
married life.
The next song talks about the dual nature of marriage, that it can be sweet and
bitter, pleasant and difficult at the same time. It is a song about the realties of life. It
introduces the couple and precisely the bride to the institution of marriage. The words of
the song are precise and to the point.
Dikuku di monate
Lenyalo le boima
Rona re a tsamaya
O tla sala o di bona
Mosadi ntlo ke e o
O sale le yone
Rona re a tsamaya
O tla sala o di bona
Cakes are very sweet
Marriage is difficult
We are leaving
You will experience the difficulties alone
Woman there is the house
Stay in the house
We are leaving
You will experience the difficulties alone
The above song is therefore preparing the bride for whatever she may be faced
with in the future, be it pleasant or sorrowful. The people who are at the wedding
celebration will not be present when she is confronted with all those problems. Some of
the problems that are common among the Bakgatla and Batswana in general are
infidelity, lack of respect for each other, difficult to please mother-in-law and

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irresponsible husbands. So this song prepares her psychologically that marriage is not all
rosy, it can be sweet at times and bitter at other times. She must not use the jubilation and
excitement that is prevalent on her wedding day as a true reflection of what marriage life
is all about.
The dual nature of marriage is expressed by the two contrasting words monate
(nice/sweet) and boima (hard/difficult). The dikuku (cakes) are nice but lenyalo
(marriage) is difficult. In addition, the opposite verbs tsamaya (go) and sala (stay)
reinforce this dual nature. It is implied that those who are at the celebration, the guests,
friends, and relatives will leave but the bride will be immersed in the joys and travails
stay of marriage life on her own. There is also the comparison of words, cake and sweet
refers to taste and marriage and difficult refers to experience. In other words one has to
endure difficulty to ensure the sweetness of marriage. Marriage life is not easy. One has
to be patient, understanding, and compromising. The duality is also expressed through the
comparison of time, that is, the present and the future. We are enjoying ourselves now but
the difficulties and challenges of marriage will come later or in the future. There is also
the idea of collectivism versus individualism in that the people at the ceremony are
enjoying themselves collectively but the bride will face whatever problems she will
encounter alone.
Marriage is a ritual that leads to a change of status for the individuals involved. It
elevates the bride and bridegroom from childhood to adulthood. The explicit purpose of
the wedding celebration is to publicly mark the progression of individuals through the
communitys social hierarchy. Before she got married she was referred to as ngwanyana
(girl) now that she is married she is referred to as mosadi (woman, wife). The noun

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mosadi is derived from the verb sala (stay). By implication mosadi means stay home.
This is not surprising because from childhood, girls are socialized to stay at home and
learn how to do household chores and boys are encouraged to go out and explore the
outside world. Evidently, this socialization process is carried on into adulthood when they
become men and women or husbands and wives.
A song with a similar meaning is found among the Tsonga of Mozambique and
the northern Transvaal region of South Africa. In his study entitled The Social Meaning
of Tsonga Wedding Songs, (1975), Thomas F. Johnston states that on her wedding day,
the bride is escorted to the village of her future husband and the assembly sings a song,
they tell her that after they have finished enjoying themselves, she will commence a life
of hard work (Johnston 1975: 20). Therefore, the songs talk about the joys and sorrows
of married life.
Bakgatla women I interviewed told me that according to traditional Setswana
culture, mosadi (woman, wife) is expected to be present in the home at all times, so that
when people come to report or announce something they should find her. She in turn will
pass on the news to her husband who may be away at the cattle post. Based on what the
women told me, Mwenda Ntarangwis (1999) observation that many African cultures
have been able to contain women in restricted social spaces through relational systems
which define them as wives, daughters, mothers etc (Ntarangwi 1999: 35) holds true.
However, in the contemporary society this expectation does not really work because in
most cases both husband and wife are formally employed (go to work). But, still it is
expected that after work the wife should go home.

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The wifes new status requires a change of behavior, she should no longer behave
like young girls, and instead, she must show wisdom and self-control. In addition, she is
expected to have children. This also elevates her from the position of just a woman to that
of a mother. When a woman reaches the stage of motherhood, she is highly respected not
only by her children, but by all members of the community. In fact, from that day on, she
is addressed as mother of so and so, not by her name. Consequently, motherhood has an
effect on a womans social mobility. Her role as caretaker for the young and old limits
her freedom to leave the domestic sphere as often and as freely as she would like.
Finally, ntlo (house) is symbolic of the home and family that the couple is
expected to build together. Culturally, a married man is expected to provide a home for
his wife. The home can be in his parents compound or he may build his own home
somewhere in the village. Ntlo refers to the structure that they are going to live in. The
woman is expected to take care of this house and make it homely for her in-laws and
visitors. Ntlo also refers to the family, that is, the husband, wife and the children that will
come out of this marriage. Part of the wifes duty is to take care of these people together
with her in-laws. The home they are going to build can be bearable or demanding
depending on the relationship between mosadi (wife) and her in-laws hence o tla sala o
di bona meaning things will unfold as time goes on. This phrase is usually used to refer to
unpleasant experiences. The song does not say what those will be, but I was told they are
numerous, for example, an irresponsible husband, difficult in-laws, infidelity, physical
and mental abuse and so forth.
Since Setswana wedding songs are communal their performance is actually shared
knowledge. Furthermore, since their performance does not discriminate along gender the

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performers can be seen as expressing and representing different thoughts, feelings and
aspirations. For example married people are expressing and sharing their experiences in
marriage while singing this song. Some may be having sweet and pleasant marriages
while others may be having difficulties and hardships in theirs. Others may have
experienced both, the bitter and sweet sides of marriage.
On the other hand the children and younger unmarried generation can be seen as
singing into the future. They have not experienced any marital life but one day they will
be married and they will fully understand the implications of this song. Therefore, the
children are singing about the present and the future whereas the married men and
women are singing about the past and present.
In a way therefore, the song becomes a kind of encyclopedic reference of cultural
experiences. The song can be evoked to deal with the present matrimonial problems. It is
also recontextualized and its relevance could be brought to bear on the present situation.
Furthermore, the song can also be therapeutic, healing the wounds from past experiences
and soothing the soul of others who may be experiencing troubled marriages. Also by
evoking it or remembering it when one is faced with marital problems and saying to
oneself that song told me that marriage is not easy. In that way one feels encouraged and
enthusiastic to deal with the problem. The song has relevance to folk-cognition. It
implants some mental thinking in the individual and that mental thinking guides him or
her into how to deal with the problem. The collective nature of the performance also
indicates that the society is aware of the difficulties in marriage. The song was composed
to echo this social issue.

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Despite the seriousness of the words of the song the performers are usually happy.
They are full of smiles; they ululate, dance, whistle and so forth. It is the bride in most
cases who drops a tear when this song is sung. These could also be tears of joy but in
most cases they are tears of realization. It is at this time that she realizes or rethinks of the
situation she has put herself into by agreeing to be married. She cries probably because
she does not know how her marriage is going to turn out into or because she thinks of
other people she knows who are having problems in their marriages and then realizes the
truth and reality expressed in the song. Actually, I was told that in the past the bride was
not supposed to be cheerful, not smile and even talk to people, she was expected to be
solemn and morose on this day because she did not know what tomorrow was holding for
her.
This song like most other Setswana wedding songs is addressed to the bride only;
very few are directed to the groom. Ruth Finnegan (1970) has argued that oral literature
is dependent on a performer who formulates it in words on specific occasions. The KRT
choir realizing that the song is only talking to the bride added the portion below, which
addresses the groom;
Abuti o seka wa mo sotla
Abuti o seka wa mo tlhorisa
Rona re a tsamaya o tla sala o di bona
Older brother do not ill-treat her
Older brother do not bring her persistent anxiety
We are going you will experience the hardships alone
In this portion they tell the groom to take good care of the bride and not to ill-treat
her. Thus, they are echoing one of the societal expectations of a husband. Basically, they
are reminding him of his marital duties. This is a good example of the creativity,

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imagination and flexibility of oral genres. When I asked them why they added this
portion, they said that they realized that most wedding songs were talking to the bride and
they thought that that was unfair. They also said they felt it was necessary to advice the
groom on how he should behave and treat his wife especially now because many
husbands have a tendency of ill treating their wives. One may then argue that the society
is slowly but surely beginning to realize the gender biases prevalent in the society and are
using the most common genre, the song to comment and correct such wrongs.
The next song also talks about what the bride may experience in her new home.
Like the previous song, this song is not explicit about what the experience is going to be.
Below is the song;
Sala o di bona re a tsamaya
O ratile
O dumetse
Ba dumaduma ka wena bomatsale
O ratile
O dumetse
Stay behind we are leaving
You loved
You agreed
Your in-laws are talking about you
You loved
You agreed
This song is usually sung when the brides family is about to leave her at her new
home. It is a farewell song with a pessimistic tone. It normally makes many brides to
shed tears. The song clearly indicates that marriage is stressful.
The phrase sala o di bona (stay behind and experience whatever) has negative
connotations. It indicates a stressful and painful experience. Though the song is not
explicit of what the experience is really going to be, it indirectly tells the bride that

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marriage is not as rosey as she probably thought. She is going to experience problems.
She is going to sala (stay) in her new home and her own people are going to leave, re a
tsamaya. While she is at her new home the difficulties of marriage life will unfold.
The song acknowledges the fact that this relationship or marriage is based on love
and agreement between the couple. This is expressed by the words o ratile (you loved)
and o dumetse (you accepted). The song is telling the bride that she has loved and
accepted to marry her husband and to live happily with him. Ironically, she may not be
happy; her life may be made miserable by her in-laws. It is therefore her responsibility to
handle whatever situation may arise in the marriage. Her family is also telling her that
they did not force her into the marriage, it is her choice, hence o ratile, o dumetse.
On the other hand, ba dumaduma ka wena bomatsale (your in-laws are talking
about you); though the song does not state what it is they are talking about. The verb
dumaduma implies speaking in a hush tone. It also indicates talking bad about somebody
behind their back. The noun bomatsale (in-laws) embraces all her in-laws, that is father,
mother, brother(s), sister(s), aunt(s) and uncle(s)-in-law, members of her husbands
family. The in-laws have certain expectations of their daughter-in-law such as, to cook,
sweep, do laundry, provide financial assistance and so forth. Their demands may be
multiple and she may not cope, then she will be blamed and not pardoned. Everything she
does will be observed critically. The in-laws will be on a fault-finding mission and the
slightest mistake she makes she will be ridiculed and her life will be made miserable.
The song is therefore telling her that once her family leaves and she settles in her
new home she will discover what marriage is all about. She will experience the good and
bad side of it. The kind of experience she will get will be based on how her in-laws treat

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her and relate to her. The above discussion shows that despite the fact that parents-inlaws are supposed to welcome and treat their daughter-in-law as their own child in most
cases this is more theoretical than practical. The ideal is contrary to reality, for example
the mother-n-law and daughter-in-law are most of the time in conflict with each other.
Sometimes they do not even speak to each other even if they live in the same compound.
The following song is a song that encourages love, peace and a good relationship
between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The song is in the form of a dialogue. The
first part the mother-in-law is asked whether she will still love her daughter-in-law even
if the field is full of weeds. She responds by saying she will still love her whether the
field is full of weeds or not. Below is the song;
Mma mosimane a o a mo rata
Tshimo e tletse mokolonyane a o a mo rata
Ke a mo rata
Ke ngwetsi yame
Tshimo e tletse mokolonyane ke a mo rata
Mother of the boy (mother in law) do you love her
Even if the field is full of weeds do you love her
I love her
She is my daughter-in-law
Even if the field is full of weeds I love her
This song encourages the mother-in-law to love and take care of her ngwetsi
(daughter-in-law). She must not scold her when she makes mistakes or does not do
something right, instead, she must correct her wrongs, be patient with her, teach her
whatever she may not know and most importantly, be loving to her. The transition from
ones home to a husbands home is not an easy thing, so for the daughter-in-law to feel
welcomed and loved, the parents-in-law especially the mother-in-law must try by all
means to make her feel comfortable upon her arrival.

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Tshimo (field) is where crops such as sorghum, maize and beans are grown.
Mokolonyane (weeds) is a type of weed that grows in the fields and hinders the growth of
the crops. In Botswana, it is the responsibility of the women to take care of the fields. The
responsibilities include but are not limited to taking out the weeds, chasing away the
birds and harvesting the crops when they are ready. A hard working daughter-in-law is
judged by among other things her ability to take care of her fields.
This song can be understood from two levels, the superficial and the metaphorical
levels. At the superficial level, the song is basically asking the mother-in-law if she
would still love her daughter-in-law even when her field is full of weeds. It is asking her
whether she will still love her even when she proves to be a lazy person. The laziness
would be detected by her failure to take care of her field, when her field is full of weeds.
On the other hand, the song is metaphorical and symbolic. In this song tshimo
symbolizes life and mokolonyane symbolizes the problems that may arise in the marriage.
In explaining this metaphor Mrs Anna Mokgadi said;
Mokolonyane ke mfero. Mfero ke matshelo a rona, gore ka mmamoso ha
matshelo a fetoga, ngwana o na ke seka ka mo tlhowa. Ke tshwanetse gore
ke mo gakolle, ha e le gore o dirile phoso ke re ngwanaka go a tuana, go a
tuana. Ga kere ke tlhagolela mfero. Ke gore mfero o le ke a mo o thusa
gore o tloge, a nne mo bosekonong, a o tlhagole. Ke a mo gakolla. Le ha
go le boima, ke a mo gakolla.
Mokolonyane is a type of weed. The weeds refer to our lives. It means that
when things change in life I should not hate this child (daughter-in-law). I
should advice her. If she has made a mistake I should correct her. If I do
that I am taking out the weeds, that is, I am helping her solve her problems
so that she can live happily. Even in times of difficulty I have to advice
and help her.

Therefore the song acknowledges that life in general and marriage in particular
has its own trials and tribulations hence the songs wants to find out from the mother-in-

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law whether she will stick with her daughter-in-law when problems arise in the marriage.
The song is telling the mother-in-law not to change her attitude towards her daughter-inlaw when problems arise in the marriage. Instead, she must offer guidance, assistance and
play a reconciliatory role when the need arises. If she does that she will be taking out the
weeds in the field so that plants can grow well. In relation to marriage, it means she
should try to resolve and or avoid any problems that may hinder the joy and progress of
her sons marriage. By all means, she should be of assistance to her daughter-in-law;
therefore, she plays a big role in the success or failure of her sons marriage.
Culturally a mother-in-law is supposed to fulfill the above expectations hence her
response ke a mo rata ke ngwetsi yame (I love her she is my daughter-in-law). If her
daughter-in-law starts to indulge in unacceptable activities such as drinking, or having
extra marital affairs with other men and her husband complained to his mother, she must
listen to him but not take sides with him. The mother is expected to provide her son with
good advice such as encouraging a dialogue between them with the view to resolving the
matter within the confines of their home. It is believed that if the mother provided such
counsel it constituted a good sign that she truly loves her daughter-in-law and she is
prepared to support her under any circumstances. However, if she advices her son to use
violent measures against her daughter-in-law or encourages him to divorce his wife then
she is failing to fulfill the societal expectations of being a good mother-in-law. Ideally, a
mother-in-law ought to be loving and impartial towards her daughter-in-law, but in
practice they have not been known to be supportive of their daughters-in-law. Generally,
the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is seen as predominantly
antagonistic rather than harmonious as will be shown in chapter 7 of this dissertation.

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The next song deals with issues of sexuality and customary rules and regulations
of the Bakgatla in marriage. Food, precisely, meat with bones is used symbolically to talk
about issues of sexuality and fidelity.
Lona Bakgatla
Le na le molao
O o itseweng ke lona
Ee ke lesapo la bakgwenyana
Ee ke lesapo la bakgwenyana
Ee ke lesapo la bakgwenyana
Le jewa ka tumelo
You Bakgatla
You have rules
Rules that you know well
Yes it is the bone for the son-in-law
Yes it is the bone for the son-in-law
Yes it is the bone for the son-in-law
It is eaten with agreement
Among the Bakgatla, like all Batswana, it is obligatory to slaughter at least one
cow for a wedding celebration. As mentioned previously, the traditional delicacy called
seswaa is prepared by men. I was told that while the men are cooking the meat and
separating the meat from the bones to make seswaa, there are some small bones called
satswane that they take out. The bones are said to be soft and juicy; therefore, they are
easy to chew and are very tasty. The Sekgatla rule is that these bones can only be eaten
by a man who has given bogadi to his in-laws. These bones are given to the son-in-law
by his parents-in-law to eat. The eating of these bones is symbolic of the fact that he is
now a mature and married man. He has fulfilled all the necessary requirements of a sonin-law.
The lesapo (bone) in the above song refers to the girl. Giving the bone to the sonin-law is like giving him the license to sleep with the girl, giving him conjugal rights, it is

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a license to sexual intercourse. The molao (rule) alludes to the fact that before this license
is accorded certain customary rites and observances have to be fulfilled by the boys
family. Once the required rituals are performed the boy and girl are considered married.
By giving him these bones his parents-in-law recognize and acknowledge him as their
son-in-law. They are also giving him the liberty to engage in sexual relations with their
daughter.
Closely related to the rules and regulations of married life is another piece of meat
called ngati. The rule is that this meat is cooked and eaten by married women only. It is
taboo for unmarried women to eat this meat. It is the duty of the mother-in-law to give
this piece of meat to her newly married daughter-in-law. Normally, this piece of meat is
taken from the cow that is slaughtered on her wedding day. Until she is given this piece
of meat by her mother-in-law the daughter-in-law may not eat it. It is considered a taboo
to go against this rule.
Customarily, ngati should always be cooked by betsi (daughters-in-law). The
cooking and eating of this meat is a display of power relations. It says a lot about the
hierarchical order and status of married women. Culturally, the mother-in-law should
give ngati to her daughter-in-law. Furthermore, the youngest daughter-in-law is usually
assigned to cook it. The age of the daughter-in-law is determined by the age of her
husband not her own. For example, the wife of the first born son in the family is
considered the senior wife even if she may be younger in age to the wife of the second or
last born son. So usually an elder daughter-in-law will ask the youngest daughter-in-law
to cook the meat. Since this meat is only cooked at weddings and funerals, there are

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usually many daughters-in-law to cook it. After cooking it she gives it to the senior
daughter-in-law or mother-in-law to dish out to all the married women present.
The name of this meat has sexual connotations. The name is derived from the
verb ngata which is difficult to translate but is similar to putting a diaper on a baby or
when a female puts a dress in between her legs so that people cannot see her thighs and
underwear. So when a mother-in-law gives her daughter-in-law this piece of meat, she is
indirectly telling her what she expects from her that is, she must ingata; literally close her
thighs. Now that she is a married woman she should not have sexual relations with any
other man except her husband only. Basically, she must open her thighs for her husband
only.
The song under discussion teaches about sexuality and the responsibilities that
come with being a married person. It echoes a moral lesson to the couple. It tells the
husband and wife that they are expected to respect each other and to satisfy each other
sexually. It therefore cautions about promiscuous behavior and infidelity by married
people in general. The metaphorical and symbolic language of the song speaks directly to
the married people present. Its performance is a stark reminder to all married persons
present at the wedding ceremony that they should sanctify marriage and not indulge in
extra marital affairs.
Furthermore, there are several wedding songs that deal with the theme of familial
obligations and responsibilities. These obligations and responsibilities are centered on the
socially constructed gendered roles in Botswana. In traditional Botswana society, and in
those across Africa as a whole, men and women have well-defined roles and obligations
that are specific and exclusive to their respective genders. The women have the sole

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responsibility of distributing food and managing the household. As mentioned earlier,

women also work outside the home. For example, they take care of the farm by planting,
weeding, and harvesting. On the other hand men did all the heavy work such as cutting
trees and clearing the fields before ploughing. They also looked after the livestock and
hunted wild animals.
In his study, Oyekan Owomoyela (2000) of the cultures and customs of
Zimbabwe argues that the division of labor was such that the domestic sphere, on the one
hand, belonged to the woman where her authority prevailed. The public domain, on the
other hand, belonged to the man, and neither arena was regarded as superior to the other
(Owomoyela 2000: 91). This argument was posited by most of my older male informants.
They argued that in traditional Setswana society men and women knew their roles and
responsibilities and the two worked and complemented each other satisfactorily. They
also argued that these days there are a lot of problems in marriages because women have
taken over what used to be mens roles. Probably, this is due to changes that are taking
place in the society. The socio-economic situation in the country dictates the roles that
individuals play which may be contradictory to the societal prescriptions.
Three songs will be discussed that demonstrate the above theme. Like the song
dikuku di monate, these three songs are also addressed to the bride. In her study of Hausa
traditional songs, Haruna (1998) observed that the songs focus on validating,
commending and encouraging patterns of social behavior and attitudes which are
culturally acceptable in society such as hard work, honesty, generosity, humility,
kindness love and marital fidelity (Haruna 1998: 87). The first song talks about sweeping,
which is one of the duties expected of a daughter in law.

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Fiela fiela fiela ngwanyana

Fiela ngwanyana o se jele matlakaleng
Matsale ke chobolo, chobolo ya mosadi
Fiela ngwanyana o se jele matlakaleng
Sweep sweep sweep girl
Sweep girl do not eat in a dirty place
Mother-in-law is a bully, a bully of a woman
Sweep girl do not eat in a dirty place
This song talks about sweeping, which is considered a female chore in Botswana.
Sweeping in this song does not refer to the sweeping of the house only but to all the
household chores. In addition to sweeping and cleaning the house and yard she is
expected to cook, do laundry, give birth and take care of her husband, the children and
her husbands kin especially his parents. She is expected to take care of the household
generally.
Several scholars observed that the early years of a womans marriage are hectic
and tough because she is expected to render a lot of services to her in-laws. Oyomoyela
(2000) argues that in Zimbabwe, the tasks the bride performs on her first day of her
arrival have a symbolic character, for through performing these tasks she accepts her
future duties and her relatively low initial status in her new home (Owomoyela 2000:
101). However, her status was elevated after she gave birth to a child and when a new
daughter-in-law arrives.
On the other hand, Rose Kadende (1997) says that in Burundi one of the duties a
newly married woman is expected to perform is the grinding of grain. She argues that
grinding grain should not only be viewed as a menial task, but as a task that tests a
womans physical endurance and her skill in converting grain into meal. It is an
indispensible task which will bind the woman or a newly married daughter-in-law for the

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rest of her life. Her skill and endurance will also determine her relationship with her inlaws and protect her from shame in the eyes of the community (Kadende 1997: 68).
Isaac Schapera (1936) asserts that the broom has a long held significant meaning
for the various Africans, symbolizing the start of homemaking for the newly wed couple
(Schapera 1936: 34). According to Setswana culture the first day after the bride has been
taken to her husbands home she is expected to wake up very early in the morning and
sweep the whole yard. By the time everybody wakes up the household must be
thoroughly clean. Obviously, the yard is very dirty on this day because of the festivities
of the previous day. But, she is not supposed to get help from anyone no matter how huge
or dirty the yard is. Below is what a newly wedded bride told me about this task.
Brankie: Ke utlwa gotwe o tsoga o feela jarata e o le nosi, o akanya jang?
Khutsafalo: Ee mma ga tualo. Waitse ha ke leba leswe le ke kgaoga pelo.
Bona gore dithini di tletse yang. Ke sule ka moso. Ija, ba seka ba nkutlwa
ke rialo.
Brankie: I hear that you have to sweep this yard all by yourself tomorrow
morning, what do you think?
Khutsafalo: Yes that is true. When I look at all this dirt my heart stops
beating (Im scared). Look at how many cans there are. Honestly,
tomorrow morning I will be dead. Oops they should not hear me say this.
This sweeping is like an initiation into her new home. Sweeping the courtyard is a
tedious and boring task, but it also tests her endurance level. It also indicates her dutiful
willingness to help her in-laws with housework. But sweeping can also be seen as an
indirect test on the brides ability to do other household chores. In addition to sweeping,
she must also prepare the morning tea for her in-laws, heat water for them to bath and get
ready to do all the household chores for the day. On the other hand she is told that her
mother-in-law is a bully, which indirectly tells her that she must do what is expected of
her well otherwise she will be in trouble.

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The words used in the song provided above are highly metaphorical. For instance,
the food that is being eaten refers to sexual intercourse. Food becomes palatable and
enjoyable when served and eaten in a decent looking place just like having sex. The
sweeping and the resultant cleanliness have some sexual connotations too. It could mean
that now that she is married she should not indulge in any sexual activity with anybody
except her husband only. If you eat food in a dirty place with dirty utensils you are bound
to fall sick. The same can happen if you engage in a sexual relationship with somebody
who is dirty that is who sleeps around. The cleanliness means she should take care of
her body; she must always look beautiful as this will entice and attract her husbands
attention to be intimate with her. Furthermore, no mother-in-law would tolerate it if her
daughter-in-law cheats on her son. If she has been unfaithful before the marriage now she
must stop all that, she must clean her act and everything will run smoothly. Although the
songs are silent about the societal expectations of men this does not mean that there are
non-existent. Women and men alike have specific roles and contributions to the
household, and their ability to fulfill those requirements is essential for the success of
their marriage.
Food is also closely related with intimacy. The way to win a mans heart is
through good cooking. Women who are good cooks, hospitable and not stingy with food
are loved by their husbands and his relatives. It is believed that if the husband enjoys her
food, it builds up their love and sexual relationship; they become more intimate with each
other. The women told me that if a man does eat food prepared by his wife it is an
indication that he has a concubine who obviously cooks for him and has sex with him.
They also said that women sometimes express their unhappiness by refusing to cook.

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Similarly, men can refuse to eat their wives food as form of punishment because they
know it will psychological effects on her. That is why a man chooses a wife not because
of her physical appearance but rather on her domestic skills as indicated in chapter 3.
The KRT choir modified the above song so their version was slightly different
from the communal one. Below is how they sang their song;
Ausi Foransina
Ausi Foransina chobolo
Lefeelo le re chaacha mo lapeng
Lefeelo le le chaachaa mo lapeng
Sister Franciana
Sister Franciana is a bully
The broom should sound in the yard
The broom should sound in the yard

They added the name Francina, which is a womans name and supposedly the
name of the mother-in-law. By adding her name they are making the song more direct.
The song is talking to the bride telling her that her mother-in-law is a bully therefore she
must sweep and do all the household chores well to avoid being bullied by her. A motherin-law can bully a daughter-in-law in many ways such as accusing her of being stingy or
lazy, calling her names and asking her to do almost everything in the household. I was
told that some mothers-in-law abuse their daughters-in-law emotionally and verbally.
As they sing they imitate sweeping to show that the bride must sweep. The
performers also told me that they always used the name of the mother-in-law whenever
they performed. They argued that using the mother-in-laws name makes the song more
relevant and meaningful to the occasion. The use of the mother-in-laws name also
denotes that the daughter-in-law ought to recognize her mother-in-law as an authority
figure. The daughter-in-law is coming to live with her parents-in-law so she must respect

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and abide by their rules. Even in the first song it is common to find that the singers would
substitute ngwanyana (girl) with the brides name and mmatsale (mother-in-law) with the
latters actual name.
In Botswana, a woman, married or not is usually addressed by her childs first
name. She is called mother of so and so. The singers and performers would normally use
this tradition when singing wedding songs. This improvisation adds to the beauty and
attractiveness of the song. The song may be altered as follows;
Fiela fiela fiela Kefilwe
Fiela Kefilwe o se jele matlakaleng
Lesego ke chobolo chobolo ya mosadi
Fiela Kefilwe o se jele matlakaleng
Sweep sweep sweep Kefilwe
Sweep Kefilwe do not eat in a dirty place
Lesego is a bully, a bully of a woman
Sweep Kefilwe do not eat in a dirty place
Another version can be sung as below;
Fiela fiela fiela Karabo
Fiela Karabo o se jele matlakaleng
MmaPitso ke chobolo chobolo ya mosadi
Fiela Karabo o se jele matlakaleng
Sweep sweep sweep Karabo
Sweep Karabo do not eat in a dirty place
Pitsos mother is a bully, a bully of a woman
Sweep Karabo do not eat in a dirty place

In the first version, Kefilwe is the name of the bride and Lesego is the name of the
mother-in-law. In the second version, Karabo is the name of the bride and mmaPitso is
the mother-in-law. In this instance she is not addressed directly by her name but by her
sons name. Normally the singers use the name of the son who is getting married even if
on daily basis the mother is addressed by one of her other childrens names. They use his

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name because he is the centre of attention on this day. Using his name also makes the
song more relevant to the occasion.
Setswana wedding song performances are normally delivered orally through
dramatization and demonstration by both the performers and audience. As a result, there
is always room for innovation, improvisation and variation during the performance.
These characteristics are highly encouraged songs to avoid monotony. This also shows
the performers creative and imaginative skills and their ingenuity.
Unfortunately, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter in law is
most of the time not a good one. No matter how hard the daughter-in-law tries to please
her mother-in-law the latter is never happy. Probably, the mother-in-law has to live to the
expectations of the society; she has to fulfill how the society generally perceives of her,
just as the daughter-in-law is expected to work hard so is she expected to be a bully, to
give commands to her daughter-in-law and to keep her under scrutiny all the time. By
being a bully she is fulfilling the words and message of the wedding song fiela fiela.
The performance of wedding songs defines the kind of relationship that
individuals are supposed to have as in-laws, and as husband and wife. As a married
woman in a society one has to behave in a certain manner because the welfare of the
household is dependent on you. Therefore, wedding songs are one of the vehicles that
define our lives and our relationships within marriages. These relationships extend to our
in-laws and how we are supposed to behave, act and continue the lineage by producing
children.
The next song talks about fetching water which is another duty expected from a
daughter- in-law. In the past women went to fetch water from the river, stream, spring or

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water hole and carried the water pots or buckets on their head for long distances.
Nowadays most people have running water in their homes but there are still some people
who have to go and fetch water from standpipes. Standpipes are taps usually placed in a
central position for a specific location to serve people in that area.
As mentioned before, Bakgatla like many other ethnic groups in Botswana are
patrilocal. This means that when a woman gets married she leaves her home and goes to
live with her husband and his family. This means that she relinquishes her duties at her
home and transfers them to her new home. This transfer brings sorrow and creates a sense
of loss to her family and precisely her mother whom she has been working closely with.
On the other, hand it brings happiness and a sense of increase in the number of family
members of the mans family. The song below exemplifies the above mentioned feelings
and emotions;
Mmamosimane itumele
Mmamosimane itumele
Segametsi se gorogile
Itumele
Mmamosetsana itlhoboge
Mmamosetsana itlhoboge
Segametsi se tsamaile
Itlhoboge
Grooms mother be happy
Grooms mother be happy
The fetcher/drawer of water has arrived
Be happy
Brides mother give up
Brides mother give up
The fetcher/drawer of water has gone
Give up
In the above song the noun segametsi (fetcher of water) not only refers to the duty
of fetching water but it is symbolic of all the other chores that are expected from a

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daughter-in-law such as cooking, washing, taking care of her husband and children. It is
worthy to note that Segametsi is a very common Setswana name for girls because it
echoes what the society expects from girls. It is the girls duty to fetch water. On the
other hand one of the common names for boys is Modisa (shepherd or herd boy) because
that is what males do; they look after animals precisely cattle. Evidently, there is a direct
correlation between the gendered roles and the naming system in Botswana.
The song also reflects the patrilocal and patriarchal nature of the Botswana
society. This is reinforced by juxtaposing and contrasting the two verbs, tsamaile (gone)
and gorogile (arrived) with the resultant feelings of go itlhoboga (to feel helpless) and go
itumela (to be happy) by the girls mother and boys mother respectively. Because of
patrilocal residence, the bride leaves her home to go and live with her husband and his
people this brings a feeling of go itlhoboga to her family. On the other hand her arrival at
her husbands home makes him and his people go itumela. Much as every mother
becomes very happy when their children get married, the girls mother becomes unhappy
also because her helping-hand is going to leave her, while a boys mother becomes happy
because she is getting a helping-hand.
The next song talks about another chore, cooking. The arrival of a daughter-inlaw is supposed to be a form of relief to the mother-in-law because she now has a helper
who will not only cook but perform other household duties as well. This is exemplified in
the song below;
Heela mmatsale
Mmatsale, tlogela dipitsa tseo
Mong wa tsone
Mong wa tsone ke yo o o etla
Heela mo sutele
Mo sutele mo sutele mo sutele

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Heela mo sutele
Mo sutele ke yo o o etla
Hey you mother-in-law
Mother-in-law leave those pots
The owner
The owner is coming
Give her space
Give her space give her space give her space
Give her space
Giver her space she is coming
The song is addressed to the mother-in-law but it talks about her daughter-in-law.
It is a song about the transference of labor from mother-in-law to daughter-in-law. The
mother-in-law is told to leave the pots because the owner is coming. The owner being the
bride or the daughter-in-law. Like the previous examples, the dipitsa (pots) are symbolic
of all the chores she is expected to perform in her new role as daughter-in-law. This is
why it is assumed that before her son got married, the mother did all the above-mentioned
chores now that she has a daughter-in-law she is expected to relax and let the latter do all
the chores.
However, this does not literally mean she should not help her daughter-in-law or
even treat her as a beast of burden. When I interviewed women at Manamakgothe ward
they told me that a mother-in-law is expected to help her daughter-in-law. For example,
told me that if the daughter-in-law is pounding sorghum the mother-in-law can clean the
house. If the daughter-in-law is doing laundry the mother-in-law can cook. In addition,
the women at Phaphane ward told me that basically, a mother-in-law is expected to
introduce and acquaint her with how she does things in her home. If she makes mistakes
she must not scold her rather she must correct her in a nice way. The mother-in-law
should treat her daughter-in-law as if she is her own child. The women argued that all this

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would make the daughter-in-laws transition very easy, smooth and pleasant. Ideally, a
mother-in-law is the daughter-in-laws mentor not her tormentor but realistically most
mothers-in-law ill treat their daughters-in-law.
This song is usually sung when the bride arrives at her husbands home. It is a
song about the transference of labor and power in the household. The pots are linked to
the hearth which is also symbolic of the whole household and the related chores. The
mother-in-law has to acknowledge the presence of her daughter-in-law, hence mo sutele
mo sutele (give her space). She has to give her space to run the affairs of her home. In
addition, she must get out of her sons life now that he is a married man. If she complies
with these expectations then peace will prevail but if she does not then conflict will
occur. Interestingly, Mrs. Mateke Ratsatsi, an older woman of Phapahe ward said this
song is no longer valid because nowadays daughters-in-law do not stay with their in-laws.
She said that immediately after the wedding celebration the bride and her husband move
to their own home or to Gaborone where they are employed. She said this in between
giggles;
MmaRatsatsi: Owaii eo e maaka tota. E maaka, nkabo go tulwe matsale
apaa thata yaanong ba a tsamaa. Ka gore fela ga ke go tsisa fa ka bosigo
koloi e eme fa le a laisa le a tsamaa. Mosola wa ngwetsi ke eng teng foo?
Mrs Ratsatsi: Oh no that song is full of lies. The song song should say
mother-in-law cook more because they are leaving. This is because the
day that the daughter-in-law is brought to her in-laws home, the following
morning she packs her bags and leaves with her husband in a car. So what
is the use of having a daughter-in-law then?
From the above quotation it is evident what bomatsale expect from their betsi.
The most prominent expectation is a helping-hand. However, most bomatsale echoed the
same sentiment as Mrs. Ratsatsi that their betsi live in the cities or at their own homes

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therefore, they do not get as much help as they expect. Societal changes have affected the
perception and expectation of ngwetsi. Most of them come to their in-laws homes on a
short visit, or when there is a wedding celebration or bereavement.
The women also explained to me that in addition to acquiring a helping hand with
the household chores, the mother-in-law also acquires somebody who can represent her at
social gatherings and meetings. This is known as go mo tswa maoto literally to be her
legs. This is because instead of her going to the meeting she will send her daughter-inlaw who in turn will report back to her what the meeting was all about. In a nutshell all
the duties are relinquished to the daughter-in-law upon her arrival at her new home.
Evidently, this is also a performance of power and power relations within the
Setswana society. The power and power relations are based on seniority. The mother-inlaw is senior and she also has vast knowledge about the home compared to the daughterin-law therefore she exerts her power on her, she gives her orders which she has to
follow. She also relinquishes her duties to her because in the Setswana cultural setting the
young work more than the elders and the latter has the authority over the former.
As they sing the song the performers dramatize the giving of space. They move
away from their positions to show that the mother-in-law has to move away from the
pots. They also point fingers at the bride showing that she is the one they are talking
about and she is the one to take over the household duties. Sometimes the singers would
replace mmatsale with the actual name of the mother-in-law or use her sons name. For
example they would say heela Lerato tlogela dipitsa tseo (hey you Lerato leave those
pots) or heela mmaTiro tlogela dipitsa tseo (hey you Tiros mother leave those pots). As

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already stated using names adds beauty to the song and makes it more relevant to the
occasion.
Moreover, the singing of this song conjures memories of the past to the motherin-law as she recalls the day that she left her home, her arrival and welcome at her
husbands home. This reminds her about the chores that she was expected to perform as a
daughter-in-law in her new home. Her reaction may be that of happiness if she was
treated well or that of sorrow or sympathy if she was ill treated. It is her experience as a
daughter-in-law that will guide her in the way that she will treat her own daughter-in-law.
The same feeling is experienced by other mothers-in-law present at the arena of the
performance.
Furthermore, daughters-in-law who are singing this song are also echoing and
remembering their own experiences. Some may be having a good relationship with their
mother-in-law and others may not. They may therefore feel pity for the bride or happy for
her depending on their own situation. If she is not the first daughter-in-law, people may
already know what kind of a person her mother-in-law is and this will obviously
influence their reaction to this song in relation to how they think the bride is going to be
treated. So, much as the songs are directed at the bride and the mother-in-law, they are
also addressed to married women and mothers-in-law who are participating in the
ceremony. They are expected to follow the songs advice.
But, the other people seem to be singing the song for entertainment. They do not
really take the message of the song seriously especially the unmarried ones. However, the
song provides them with lessons about married life which they may use when their time
comes. But, the aspiring daughters-in-law may be listening attentively to the message of

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the song and thus psychologically preparing themselves for this new role. The song can
therefore be seen as a form of social control. It controls the behavior of daughters-in-law
and mothers-in-law.
An analysis of the wedding songs clearly indicates that the mother-in-law is
always in the background causing tensions in the family by either bullying her daughterin-law around, ordering her to do this and that and keeping her under constant scrutiny, or
by interfering with the running of her sons family and controlling her son in one way or
the other.
The above songs are examples of gender discrimination that is prevalent in the
Setswana society. All the songs are addressed to the bride and they express what is
expected from her, but the songs say nothing or very little about the societal expectations
of the groom. Evidently, the strength of the households really rests on the women though
they are given very little credit and support for that. Although the songs mention only the
mother-in-law as the one to be happy, everybody related to the groom is happy too. This
is because according to Setswana culture, the bride is not the wife to the groom only but
she is the daughter-in-law of the kgotla (kin group/clan). She is therefore expected to
participate in all the social activities that take place in the kgotla and to respect and treat
members of the kgotla equally.
In addition, the actions and behavior of the daughter-in-law are always under
close scrutiny. If she performs all her duties well, credit and praise is given to her mother
because it is a sign that she brought her up well. But if she is lazy, behaves badly her
mother is critiqued and discredited for not teaching her daughter womanly duties well. It
is the mother who gets credit or discredit because in the Setswana culture it is the

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responsibility of mothers to take care of and nurture the children. The father plays a very
minimal role if at all he does in the upbringing of his children but at the end of the day he
makes the final decisions.
If marriage is supposedly a union between two people, why is the success and
welfare of this relationship placed on one person? I believe that these wedding songs
perpetuate and encourage gender biases between men and women. It also places women
in the subordinate, inferior and dependent status whereas men are given the superior and
independent status. This is obviously influenced by the patriarchal nature of the Setswana
society. Tapologo Maundeni (2000) argues that women are supposed to work hard for the
benefit of others and to persevere to keep their marriages intact. The songs are a medium
through which culture is transmitted it is also a medium through which the subordination
of women is perpetuated.
Setswana wedding songs play a major role in portraying the images that are
prescribed to women and in teaching these roles to new generations of women as they
grow up. The majority of the singers and composers of these songs are women therefore
because they have been handed over from one family to another and doing all these
chores, they pass on these messages through wedding songs. They are basically saying I
went through this so you should also go through it. The wedding songs reinforce and
condition people for this traditional outlook on life and gearing them to pass it on to their
children, especially their daughters.
It is also noteworthy to mention that in some cases there are discrepancies
between the ideal and reality. For instance, there are men who live under the apron string,
who are bullied by their wives. Also, there are women who go against these prescribed

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societal gendered roles. In fact, it can be argued that men who are very vocal in the public
space have little voice in the private space. Ideally, there has to be consultation between
husband and wife before the former can take a decision, but most men do not. They tell
their wives what to do, they decide for them, and the women just have to obey without
questioning. However, this attitude is slowly fading due to education, womens economic
independence, and so forth.
When a marriage is sweet it means there is peace, love and harmony but once
problems arise, it becomes difficult and hard, giving room to conflict and disharmony. I
argue that Setswana wedding songs have a dual nature, that is, they express peace and
harmony but they also insinuate conflict within families. Most of the songs talk about
what should be done in order to have a peaceful marriage and a good relationship with
ones in-laws. They also indirectly talk about possibilities of conflict that may arise in a
marriage if one does not conform to the prescribed expectations. But, the songs are not
explicit about what the problems will be. Therefore, ideally there should be peace, love
and harmony, but the songs also indicate that conflicts are inevitably present within this
harmony in marriage.

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CHAPTER 6: Wedding Songs: Bogadi and Womens Displacement

This chapter analyses the themes related to the displacement of females due to
marriage. I examine the effects of this displacement on the bride. It further explores the
differentially gendered perspectives on the issue of bogadi to determine how it is
portrayed in wedding songs and how it affects married couples lives. Given that
Botswana like many other developing countries is undergoing rapid changes due to
urbanization and globalization, I analyze how these changes have affected the wedding as
a ritual and the institution of marriage.
Bakgatla like all Batswana are a patriarchal and patrilocal society. Patriarchy
implies that men have power and authority in their families. What this means is that
women are subjugated to males in the home. The father decides on all important matters
related to family relations in the home. Longwe and Clarke (1998) have argued that
patriarchy reproduces itself as a monopoly of state power where males have come to
occupy powerful positions and went ahead to legalize various forms of discrimination
against women (Longwe and Clarke (1998: 45). Thus, the patriarchal system which
prevails in Botswana might explain the existence of the difference between social
relations. The concept of patrilocal on the other hand, denotes that when a woman gets
married she has to leave her family to live with her husband and her in-laws. In essence at
marriage women are handed down from the power and control of their fathers to that of
their husbands and male in-laws. This move can have some emotional and psychological
effects on them.
Several scholars have studied the effects of this displacement and come up with
similar conclusions. Kirin Narayan (1986) observed that in India, girls of marriageable

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age become anxious. They are anxious because in most cases they do not know the man
who is going to marry them; they have never seen him before. This also creates a feeling
of uncertainty more so that they are expected to be virgins. The thought of getting
married and leaving home also adds to the anxiety and uncertainty. Narayan says that the
principles of patrilieality, hypergamy and village exogamy mean that a bride finds
herself displaced from the family she was born into, a subservient daughter-in-law among
strangers in a distant village (Narayan (1986: 50) The anxiety is aggravated by the
thought of having to live among people she does not know.
In addition, Elizabeth Gunner (1995) points out that, a newly married bride has
to leave the warmth and security of her fathers homestead to live in an alien homestead
where she will furthermore be subject initially to the stringent code of respectful behavior
(Gunner 1995: 113). Similarly, Edwards and Katbamma (1989) argue that the bride has
very ambivalent feelings about the transition from a family which she has been loved and
cherished to one where her status will be low and where she may meet varying degrees of
hostility (Edwards and Katbamma 1989: 167).
Another scholar, Ndione (1996) in her study of the Lebu argues that the bride is
sad because a rupture has occurred in her life. Her home is replaced by her husbands
home, where her destiny will subsequently unfold. The change of residence causes
profound feelings of loneliness. But, she also argues that this feeling of loneliness is
temporary, because her parents-in-law are supposed to give her a warm reception.
Ndione asserts this by saying the parents-in-law are intent upon respecting traditional
Lebu social conventions by showing themselves to be a true mother to be, that is by
integrating the new arrival into their family in record time (Ndione 1996: 93). These

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studies indicate that the change of residence has numerous implications and effects on the
bride.
Similarly, in Botswana, the parents-in-law are expected to welcome their
daughter-in-law and treat her as if she were their own child. If they welcomed her
appropriately, her anxiety, loneliness and sadness would soon be a thing of the past.
These feelings are also underscored by the fact that in the Setswana society, a woman
does not cut the links with her natal family when she moves into her marital home.
Instead, she retains her connections with her natal home and her kins people. The kins
people continue to offer her inspiration as well as comforting haven. For instance, when
the marriage situation becomes abusive, or, if she faces a divorce or is widowed, they act
as her protector. This protection and support is not unique to Botswana only. For
example, Oyekan Omyomoyelas (2002) study reveals that a similar situation or
expectation exists in Zimbabwe. He says that in Zimbabwe practical demonstrations of
the connection may take the form of exchanging mutual help during harvests and festive
occasions, and sharing farm products at harvest and food during feasts (Owomoyela
2002: 96). As mentioned elsewhere, marriage unites not only the bride and groom but
their families as well, therefore, as families they are expected and obliged to help each
other and treat each other cordially.
In patrilineal systems wedding songs appear to emphasize a brides sadness of
being detached from the family of her birth. However, it should be noted that in most
cases this separation is only theoretical. It is very rare for a daughter-in-law not to be
allowed to visit her family. The unity that the marriage brings between the two families
accords them to meet on many social occasions. There are also certain events that

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necessitate the presence of a married daughter and her husband, for example, at weddings
and funerals.
Verilocality which prevails in Botswana in a way disempowers women because
they become outsiders in their husbands home where other men and women, such as the
mother-in-law and sisters-in-law, hold positions of power and authority and often make
life difficult for the daughter or sister-in-law. The theme of a womans displacement from
her parents household to her husbands home after marriage and the effects of such a
move recur a lot in Setswana wedding songs. The brides departure is the most painful
and most emotionally charged part of the wedding for women.
The song below is usually sung when the bride is about to be taken to her
husbands home. This is a farewell song with a message of uncertainty. Its impact is
revealed by the multiplicity of songs that deal with it. For example,
Wela wela ditshabeng
Wela wela ditshebang ngwana wa batho
Seteropo ke sa gago
Seteropo ke sa gago ngwana wa batho
Go go to other people
Go go to other people child
The beating is yours
The beating is yours child
The words of the songs indicate the displacement that is brought about by getting
married. The song talks about traveling, that is from the brides home to the grooms
home. It also implies that marriage is a journey. This song is sung irrespective of whether
the bride is getting married in her village or in another village or whether the village is
nearby or far. The movement is reinforced by the words wela wela (go go) which
normally indicate traveling long distance. The concern is not with the distance per se, but

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rather with movement, with leaving a familiar place and going to an unfamiliar place.
Wela wela can also be seen as a command to the bride to go to her husbands home,
which in itself is a prerequisite for achieving the goal of establishing a home.
Another indication of the movement is expressed by the word ditshabeng (where
other people live). Ditshabeng is a locative formed from the noun setshaba (people). In
this song ditshabeng refers to the grooms people, that is, people other than the brides.
The word therefore emphasizes the distinction between the brides people and her
husbands people. Theoretically, she belongs to her husbands family upon marriage but
realistically she will always remain an outsider, though the marriage does not destroy her
ties with her natal family.
In the Setswana culture a woman is a referred to as ngwana, a child, of her
husband. Consequently, she is treated as a minor. Because of this status she has very little
say on the running of the household especially in decision making processes. It is the
husband who is also the head of the household who makes the decisions for the family. In
addition, a child does not belong to his or her parents only he or she is a child of the clan
or the community hence the phrase ngwana wa batho.
The song indirectly prepares the bride for the hardships she may encounter at her
new home. It does not explicitly state what the problems or hardships will be but it tells
her that they will be there thus indicating that harmony and conflict are birds of the same
feather in a marriage. The song explicitly emphasizes two points, the first is that married
life can be joyous and sorrowful, and the second is that the bride must behave properly
among her in-laws, that is, the people with whom she will share her life with from now
onwards.

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Leaving home is usually a very emotional time for the bride. Some brides usually
cry at this moment. They shed tears as they bid farewell to their family home, the
compound, the neighborhood and the familiar scenes of their childhood and young
adulthood. They cry because they do not know how they are going to be treated in their
new home. They also cry because they are anxious and uncertain about the future social
setting. But, for others these are tears of joy. Happiness is overwhelming them and
shedding tears is the only way to express their feelings.
The setoropo (rope) is symbolic of the hardships and problems she may encounter
in her new home. It literally means beating with a rope or belt. It is therefore indicative of
the fact that if she misbehaves or does not live to the expectations of her in- laws life may
be tough and unpleasant there. This may also result in being beaten or punished in
whatever way her husband or his people deem necessary. The rope does not refer
exclusively to beating but it encompasses other forms of hardships such as verbal and
emotional abuse.
To avoid being beaten and experiencing any form of hardships when the bride
gets to her new home she must obey the laws and follow the rules of that household. She
must also make adjustments in her behavior and in how to do things. She has to
understand that the people she is going to live with may do things differently and so must
be prepared to learn and do like them. In other words she must abandon the things she
used to do at her home if they are in conflict with how things are done in her new home.
In short, she must be obedient, respectful, and hardworking, she must exercise selfcontrol for peace to prevail. Failure to do all these will result in a bitter or sour marriage

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as she may be physically and mentally abused. The song, therefore, indirectly warns the
bride to behave so as to avoid any form of ill treatment.
In addition, divorce is highly discouraged among Batswana but that does not stop
it from happening. Divorce is considered as a last resort and couples are advised to stay
married even when there are lots of difficulties in the marriage. Divorce has come to be
seen as a shameful act, especially for women. For that reason, the bride is perceived to be
staying at her husbands house forever. Hence, the song warns her of the seriousness of
her displacement and its permanence. It is hoped and believed that she will never return
from this journey, that is, she will not divorce and return home.
When singing this song the performers imitate images of beating. They do so by
snapping their fingers and making a fist with the right hand and beating it against the
palm of the left hand to imitate beating. They do so synchronically thus creating a loud
bang. Sadly, women who are the majority in the population sing and dramatize this song
without any feeling of contempt. This action can be seen as women are perpetuating their
own ill treatment by men. They have internalized this to the extent of singing about it
joyfully without any feeling of remorse.
More importantly, the groom and his family listen to the message in the song. To
them it means that they are being given the license to beat and harass the wife and
daughter-in-law. Other men, married or not, present at the celebration may also take this
message literally and use it whenever they deem necessary. My informants argued that
some men internalize this message and put it into practice hence the high rate of spousal
abuse in Botswana.

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My observation is that wedding songs mirror reality and expresses the perception
of the society of what marriage is. A wedding song like wela wela ditshebeng not only
says to the woman look there is a possibility you are going to get beaten up but, it also
seems to be saying that beating up is an ingredient, or it is part and parcel of marriage.
This song therefore lays a certain foundation and creates a certain mood, atmosphere to
the beginning of a marriage. There is a sense like one is being given the license to engage
in beating if they so wish. The husband may take this message literally and physically
abuse his wife. As already stated the noun setoropo (knotted belt) does not refer to
physical abuse only but rather to all other forms of abuse or hardships. Many women do
not condone being beaten by their husbands, and if the problem persists, they divorce
them.
The song under discussion is an example of the discrepancy between the ideal and
the real life situation because contrary to the message of the song, Setswana culture
abhors men who beat their wives or ill-treat them in any way. I was told that in the past a
man who beat his wife was also beaten by male members of his family. But, these days
men beat their wives and no strict or punitive measures are taken against them. When
some men are apprehended they tend to argue that, the woman is his property; he has
paid bogadi for her. Below is what Dr. Moside Mosothwane told me during our
interview session;
Bogologolo e ene e re ha o ka betsa mosadi o bo o betswa le wena. O no o
kgwathisiwa. O no o kgwathisiwa ke borraago, borangwaneago kana
bomonnao. O no o ka seke wa isetsa mosadi lebogo hela jaaka ha o rata, o
re ke wame ke mo nyetse. Gompieno o mo tupa hela, o mo ragaka ka
ditlhako. Ha o mo raa o re tota rra o irang, a bo a re mosadi ke wame ke
mo ntsheditse dikgomo.

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In the past if you beat your wife you were beaten also. You would be
given lashes on your back (corporal punishement). You would be beaten
by your paternal uncles or even your younger brothers. You would not just
raise your hand against your wife (beat her) at your own free will simply
because you married her. Nowadays, you just beat her, you kick her.
When you ask him what he is doing he tells you that the woman is his he
gave cattle to her family.
From the above quotation, it is evident that men who misuse their authority by
irrationally beating their wives and being unnecessarily vicious are viewed negatively in
the society. Eventhough some men continue to ill-treat their wives, they do so knowing
very well that it is against cultural norms. Husbands who beat their wives are a disgrace
to the society. That is why in the past Bakgatla used to administer corporal punishment
on men who beat their wives. Therefore, the men are implicitly being cautioned not to
beat their wives. A similar observation was made by Lowe and Clark (1990) in Zambia.
They argue that a man beating his wife is misusing his powers over women, not only to
bring himself into disrepute, but to spoil the good name of patriarchal authority (Lowe
and Clark 1990: 57). They also argued that in such instances the husbands uncle is asked
to intervene and try and bring his nephew back within the norms and limits for the
exercise of patriarchal power.
In Botswana, this abhorrence is reinforced during the counseling session. During
the counseling session the groom and his people are told tsayang go lebaleba mme le
buse go lebaleba, literally take while it can see and return while it can see. Lebaleba
reinforces the ability to see. Symbolically it means not deformed, disabled or hurt in any
way. The saying therefore means that they are given the girl in her present state and if for
some reason they are dissatisfied with her they should return her in the same state as she
is now.

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In some cases the grooms people are told ngwana ke yo o re le mo neela a sena
lebadi, ha le mmusa le mmuse a sena lebadi, literally, there is the child we are giving
her to you she has no scar if you bring her back bring her without any scar. Like the
previous one, this saying means that if for any reason the in-laws are not happy with the
bride they must return her home in the same state that they got her. They should not beat
her up nor cause her any form of misery. Lebadi literally means a scar caused by beating,
but symbolically it refers to any form of abuse.
The above sayings reinforce the fact that the girls people expect her husband and
his people to take good care of her. They are supposed to treat her like their own child.
Precisely, the husband should not ill-treat her emotionally, physically or otherwise. The
sayings also acknowledge the fact that some marriages are abusive, and that not all
marriages work. They further recognize that some marital problems lead to physical
abuse and or divorce.
Furthermore, in Botswana a wife is sometimes likened to a glass to show how
fragile she is. Like all fragile things, she must be handled with care otherwise she will
break. In relation to marriage it means that if a wife is unhappy, angry, disgruntled, and
so forth it may result in the dissolution of the marriage. Therefore, it is incumbent upon
the husband to keep his wife happy all the time.
Despite the fact that Botswana society abhors divorce these days divorce is very
common. This is due to several factors such as education, economic independence
individualism and the disintegration of social norms. In the contemporary Botswana
society people tend to care more about their own individual happiness and well being
rather than what the society expects of them. Most of my informants argued that lifestyles

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have changed. According to them, in the past the family was a close knit structure, where
relatives played a major role in the lives of one another. They helped and supported each
other in good times and in bad times. As a result, people in the marriage were
accountable to many more people than in the contemporary period. So if one
contemplated a divorce, or misbehaved in one way or the other, they knew they had to
account to all those people why they are doing something like that. Nowadays people
take individual decisions without considering other people so long as they feel that what
they are doing is good for them.
On the contrary Mr. Ntsietala Mabodisa vehemently blames the government for
the high divorce rate in Botswana. He argued that the divorce rate has gone up in the
country because the government has given women rights to be equal with their husbands.
In his view this has caused women to disrespect their husbands unlike in the past where
women highly respected their husbands. There were people who shared the same view as
Mr. Mabodisa. I realized that the view was very popular among the older generation, both
men and women and some male younger generation. However, most women felt that
respecting ones husband is good but men tend to abuse it and consequently abuse their
wives.
In Botswana, cattle are the most revered animals. In addition to the many
functions they perform such as providing meat and milk for the family, they are also a
symbol of wealth, power and value. It is because of this prestigious status that they are
given as bogadi during marriage. Cattle in Botswana are a measure of wealth and social
status and these are qualities associated with men. Furthermore, cattle are viewed as

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assets that provide real value that is convertible into capital for investment purposes, such
as buying tractors, houses and vehicles.
As stated eariler, cattle are given as bogadi. Bogadi is a token of appreciation
from the grooms family for being allowed to marry the woman. It is a symbolic means
of compensating parents for bringing up their daughter and for the loss of her services.
Upon marriage she is going to render her services at her new home. In this way it can be
argued that the giving of bogadi is a form of exchange of the womans labor. My
informants argued that bogadi guarantees the husbands custody of all children born by
his wife. Further, they argued that bogadi helps to stabilize the marriage by dissuading a
wife from leaving her husbands home at will or at slight provocations. Since bogadi has
to be refunded in full upon divorce, the womans parents and relatives always try their
utmost best to settle disputes and reconcile the couple.
Bogadi is the most debated and contested custom among scholars. Some scholars
argue that the practice of giving bogadi disempowers women while others view it as
purchasing of wives. Some scholars argue that brideprice is the root cause of womens
oppression and subordination. Dow and Kidd (1994) argue that the payment of bogadi
has implications for power relations in marriage. They also argue that the fact that the
man has parted with resources in order to acquire a wife must affect that mans
perception of the nature of the marriage relationship. Further bogadi may confer status
and demean women at the same time. The transfer of wealth is often used to justify mens
superior position within marriage (Dow and Kidd 1994: 19). On the other hand,
Ruphenburg (1997) argues that in the Zimbabwean context, payment of a brideprice
(lobola in Shona and roora in Ndebele) is the requirement for contracting a marriage.

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Payment of the brideprice can be interpreted as the purchase of the womans labor by her
husband and his father from her father. To acquire rights over the brides reproductive
capacity and to claim for its patrilineage any children she might produce, the husbands
family transfers bride wealth to the wifes kin (Ruphenburg 1997: 34). In addition,
Enoch Mvula (1985) argues by accepting lobola, the womans parents transfer whatever
vested interests they had in her to her husband and his family (Mvula 1985: 161).
Further, Oyekan Owomoyela (2002) says that lobola or roora is an arrangement by
which the brides family receives livestock, other goods and (more recently) cash or
opportunities to earn cash as a compensation for the loss of their daughters productivity
(Owomoyela 2002: 94). On the other hand, Patricia Achieng Opondo (1997) argues that
the cow becomes a symbol of the troubles a woman may later encounter with her
husband. She further argues that in many disputes women get silenced because bride
price has been paid by the groom. Men exercise unrestrained power in the home
disrespecting their wives because of the authority given to them by the payment of the
bride price (Opondo 1997: 111). Evidently, there are varying views and opinions about
the issue of bogadi.
However, it is necessary to put boagdi in context and analyze its meaning and
function among the Bakgatla. Isaac Schapera (1941, 1964) and John Comaroff (1980) say
that bogadi seals the marriage, it also gives the husband legal custody over the children
(Schapera 1941 and 1964, and Comaroff 1980). The giving of bogadi established the
marriage contract with all its rights and obligations, and created a relationship of affinity
and kinship. The bogadi was a way of compensating the womans family for the loss of
her productive and reproductive labor. It also established the husbands paternity of the

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children and defined the latters right to property and inheritance. There is no mention of
buying of a woman in this explanation. A discussion of the issue with my informants
revealed and confirmed the views expressed by Comaroff and Schapera. Bogadi
supposedly creates a sense of happiness for the brides family and a sense of
accomplishment on the grooms part. The next two songs talk about the issue of bogadi.
O itshoke
O itshoke ngwana batho
Rona re tsere dikgomo
Rona re tsere di tsa batho
O itshoke
O itshoke ngwana batho
Persevere
Persevere child
We have taken the cattle
We have taken other peoples cattle
Persevere
Persevere child
The above song is about perseverance and patience which are regarded as part of
the ingredients of a successful marriage. The bride is told to itshoka (persevere) because
rona (we), that is her people, and more precisely her parents have received dikgomo
(cattle). So she has the burden and responsibility of succumbing to or persevering to
whatever situation she will find herself in because her parents have accepted bogadi from
her in-laws. The emphasis of the message of this song lies on the pronoun rona (we)
referring to the girls parents/family and o (you) referring to the bride. She is going to
face the problems alone but the bogadi (bride price) in the form of dikgomo (cattle) was
received or accepted by her family. In the Setswana culture a child does not belong to its
parents only, but to the entire extended family or even community, hence the phrase
ngwana wa batho. On the other hand batho (people) refers to her in-laws because before

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the marriage they were not related in any way. A distinction is made between rona
(we/us) and batho (them).
An ideal Motswana woman must persevere, be patient, be submissive, be resilient
and exercise restraint irrespective of the circumstances that she may find herself in after
she gets married. It is believed that perseverance will sustain and keep her marriage intact
and peaceful. Technically, by accepting these cattle the woman is bound to her husband
and his family for life.
My informants also agreed that moving from a familiar place like somebodys
home into a totally different place (her husbands home) is not an easy task but it is also a
good experience. The bride is urged to be patient and exercise restraint with her in-laws,
and learn to live peacefully with them. If she cooperates with them, peace, love and
happiness will prevail in the family. There will be no conflicts. The family that she is
going to join may not immediately accept her thus exposing her to a lot of problems, but
she is expected to find means and ways of dealing with the problems. If she does, it will
be prove that she is worthy of being married. Consequently, this would change her inlaws attitude towards her; they would respect and love her. But if she fails to do so it may
result in familial conflicts, which could also be seen as a test of her endurance and
perseverance level. The song is indirectly telling the bride that marriage is not easy and
that she should be emotionally and mentally prepared to deal with the hardships.
Indeed, Edwards and Katbamma (1989) argue that traditionally when a daughter
married she no longer belonged to her parental family. Her home was with her husband
and whether she was sad or happy that was where she belonged (Edwards and
Katbamma 1989: 169). The same principle was expressed by several men and women

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when asked what the song meant. For instance, Mrs. Joyce Mabodisa argued that the
song meant that the bride ought to realize that she is no longer under the authority of her
parents but under her in-laws authority. Therefore, she must respect them and she must
behave well in her new home. She also said the song makes the bride aware that it is her
responsibility to make herself comfortable and happy in her new home.
The above song therefore underscores the belief expressed above. It is telling the
bride that when she is met with problems she should not run back home instead she must
persevere and try to solve the problem because she is a woman and no longer a girl now.
On the other hand, Kitso Monau expressed a different view about the song. She argued
that it is songs like these that subject women to all forms of misery in marriages. She also
argued that women internalize these messages and stay in abusive marriages.
Interestingly, some of the women I interviewed about the message of this song
argued that whatever the bride will go through will not be unusual but just a part of life
for married women. They all agreed that married life is not easy, it is full of trials and
tribulations, but it can be joyous too. They argued that the song paints a realistic picture
of marriage and thereby prepares the bride psychologically for her new life. The song
also indirectly discourages divorce because such an act brings shame to the womans
family and in some cases it may include having to send back the cattle that they had been
given at the beginning of the marriage.
As they sing this song, the performers imitate horns of a cow, showing that indeed
bogadi has been given. Interestingly, this song is sung even when the bogadi is given in
the form of money. The singers would still imitate the horns of a cow. This shows that

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giving bogadi in monetary terms is a recent phenomenon that has not yet found way into
the wedding song repertoire.
It can be argued that the married women who have experience in marriage and are
singing this song are advising the bride that she needs to persevere for she is not alone in
the suffering. As married women, they have already accepted whatever they are going
through. The truthfulness and reality of what this song means is highlighted by the
performers and audiences reactions. They interjected, ululated and danced energetically.
They also verbalized their feelings saying that as it is right now there is not much that one
can do in marriage except to persevere, that women have to conform to the dictates of the
song for the success of their marriages.
The issue of bogadi indirectly gives the impression that men have authority over
women; that men are superior and women are inferior. Men who hold the belief that
giving bogadi is buying a woman are likely to treat women as their property rather than
as human beings whose rights and feelings must be respected (Maundeni 2000). It is
unfortunate that people are misusing this ritual for their own personal gains and interests.
During my interviews with men and women of Mabodisa ward, they argued that
bogadi is given as a token of appreciation to the brides family; and that it wrong to view
it as a payment for a woman. Unfortunately, nowadays people are commodifying their
daughters. Pitifully, the ritual has lost its essence and validity. It is because of this wrong
attitude that men feel they have the right to abuse and ill treat women and this has
consequently led to high divorce rate in Botswana. The song below also talks about
bogadi.
Se nkgatele mosadi
Ke mo rekile ka dikgomo

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O a rekwa
O a ithekelwa
O rekwa ka dikgomo
Do not step on my woman
I bought her with cattle
She is bought
You can buy a woman for yourself
She is bought with cattle
The words of the above song indicate that it is sung by a man though in the actual
performance it is sung by anybody at the wedding. The man tells everybody present at the
wedding that senkgatele (do not step) on my mosadi (woman/wife). He goes on to
explain why nobody should step on his wife; the reason is ke mo rekile ka dikgomo (I
have bought her with cattle). He further states that whoever wants a wife must be able to
buy her with cattle hence o a rekwa (she is bought) o a ithekelwa (you can buy her for
yourself), ka dikgomo (with cattle).
The words of the above song are misleading in the sense that they say that a
woman is bought with cattle. In the Setswana culture, a woman is never bought she can
never be seen as a commodity. Instead, the cattle that the grooms family gives to the
brides family are seen or viewed as a token of appreciation not as buying the woman.
Since the girl after being married is going to live with her husband and his family, the
grooms family gives these cattle as a way of saying thank you for giving us your
daughter. The daughter is from now on going to render her services to her in-laws and not
her parents. It is unfortunate that some husbands use this song as a license to ill-treat their
wives.
My informants told me that among the Bakgatla, the grooms father not the
brides family determines the number of cattle to be given to the brides family. This is

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good because it avoids situations whereby the brides family argues that they want more
cattle for her because they spend their money educating her and now they are not going to
benefit from that education or that she has a good paying job therefore they are going to
lose the financial benefits they have been receiving from her.
There are people who abuse the bogadi ritual by asking for a lot of cattle. Such
people base their arguments on how much they have spent on educating their daughter,
the type of job she holds etc. It is arguments like the ones based on the girls education or
employment status that make husbands believe that they are buying their wives and
consequently can abuse them in whatever way because they have paid for them. This
perspective has also contributed to the high divorce rate in Botswana because
contemporary women do not condone being treated as commodities. Those who respect
their culture and are proud of it never view their wives as commodities. If this custom is
respected in its entirety Batswana will not have the kinds of problems they are having
now regarding this issue.
Due to intermarriages, Bakgatla men and women told me that they have
experienced situations where they were asked to give a lot of cattle, for example eight or
ten cattle as bogadi. Sometimes they said they were asked to build a house at the brides
home before the marriage could take place. They said this in a way has had an effect on
their marriage rituals too. They feel cheated because they do not ask for many cattle when
their daughters get married outside their ethnic group. They now feel the brunt so they
have also started to ask for a lot of cattle when their daughters get married elsewhere.
However, they emphasized the fact that when the marriage is between Bakgatla they still
maintain the concept that bogadi ga bo na seelo.

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Several reasons were given for the practice of bogadi, some of which are; giving
and accepting the cattle legitimizes the marriage, the children that will be born and gives
the wife full inheritance rights to her husbands property. This is good in a way because
many times when the husband dies, his family members claim his property and conflicts
ensue between the wife and her in-laws. These cattle ensure that nothing of this nature
happens and should it happen when the case is taken to the kgotla or before the family
elders it is dismissed on the grounds that the woman has full rights because she has been
legally married, all the rituals were performed including bogadi.
This song can also be understood as an echo of pride. The husband or groom is
proud that he has fulfilled all the marriage rituals and his status has been elevated from
that of a boy to that of a man. By virtue of marriage the woman belongs to him and he
belongs to her. He is bragging to all the bachelors present that he is a married man now.
He is also indirectly encouraging them to follow his example. On the other hand he is
also warning everybody present that they should stay away from his wife because she is
now a married woman. Upon marriage the couple sees each other as united physically,
mentally and spiritually.
There are differing opinions about the meaning of the song. The younger
generation cited this song as proof that bogadi is equivalent to buying a woman. They
argued that the song is valid because they are made to pay a lot of cattle and spend
expensively before they can marry so they feel that doing that is buying a woman. On the
contrary, most of the older generation I interviewed said they do not like this song
because it totally distorts the bogadi ritual. They said they do not know who composed
this song and why. However they agreed that the words of the song give the impression

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that a woman is bought, therefore becomes the property of the husband, he can do
anything with her, for example, beat her up, cheat on her etc. They argued that it is songs
like these that encourage men to disrespect women.
Furthermore, both the older and younger women said they do not feel like they
are being bought if bogadi is given to their parents. They concur that it is a ritual that
needs to be followed and respected. They insisted that bogadi gives women a sense of
pride and belonging. They feel they are really married and accepted by their in-laws if
bogadi is given to their parents. They said it also accords them the ability to command
respect amongst other married people and the community at large. Mrs. Joyce Mabodisa
explained that if bogadi is not given to ones parents, then one feels like an outsider even
more because such a woman is not allocated tasks such as to cook ngati, to take part in
rituals like patlo, and go laya. She further argued that much as one will be accepted as a
wife her status will remain lower than those whom bogadi has been given.
Most people agreed that because of the misconception of this ritual, men ill-treat
women and maybe the best solution is to abolish the ritual. But, should part of a peoples
culture be eradicated simply because some people abuse it, this is question that still needs
to be answered but not in this dissertation. The next song talks about marriage.
Lenyalo lena
Lenyalo le ga se morabaraba
Dikgomo tsena
Dikgomo tse ga se morabaraba
Ka re go saena mo na
Go saena mo ga se morabaraba
Ka re lesire lena
Lesire le ga se morabaraba
Ka re lenyalo lena
Lenyalo le ga se morabaraba
This marriage

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This marriage is no childs play

These cattle
These cattle are no childs play
I say this signing
This signing is no childs play
I say this wedding gown
This wedding gown is no childs play
I say this marriage
This marriage is no childs play
The above song is telling the bride to take marriage seriously. The song
enumerates all the important components of a marriage in Setswana; these are dikgomo
(cattle), lesire (wedding gown) and go saena (to sign the marriage certificate). As already
stated, for the marriage to be accepted and sealed the grooms family gives the brides
family some cattle. These cattle are symbolic of the unity that will from now exist
between the two families. They are also a gesture of goodwill and gratitude towards the
brides family for allowing them to take away their daughter. Therefore the cattle have
serious and long-term implications in the marriage so the girl is cautioned to take the
marriage seriously.
Similar importance is accorded to the wedding gown. In the Setswana culture, it is
the responsibility of the grooms family to purchase the brides attire that is, wedding
gown and veil, the ring, earrings, bouquet, shoes, and stockings. It is also the
responsibility of the women from the grooms family, precisely the rakgadi, mmamalome
and a few other women to dress the bride. Although she may do it herself, it is customary
that she dresses in their presence. They actually bring the clothes the morning of the
wedding celebration.
It is noteworthy to explain that lesire literally means a veil but in this context it
means the whole bridal attire. The bridal attire is therefore important and significant to

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the marriage. Accepting or agreeing to wear this attire should therefore be taken very
seriously because it marks the beginning of the relationship between the two families. It
is also a sign of maturity, signifying the change in social status from that of a girl to being
a woman. It is not unusual to hear a person asking is the bride wearing lesire or
khosshumu, wedding gown or two-piece suit respectively. People are always eager to go
and see the brides wedding gown more than a bride who is wearing a two-piece suit.
Lastly, the bride and groom sign their marriage certificate at the kgotla or at
church or at the district office. By appending a signature one should take the process
seriously and understand the implications and consequences thereof. This is why before
they sign the marriage certificate the person responsible for solemnizing the marriage
usually gives a strong word of advice to the couple and their families. By providing the
goods, the groom and his family undertake to care for the woman even after her
husbands death; by accepting the cattle the brides family undertakes to provide an
industrious and fertile wife who will reproduce children and thus continue the husbands
lineage.
Marriage is supposed to be a life time commitment that needs to be taken
seriously and to be respected by everyone who takes part in it. In this song marriage is
contrasted with morabaraba (a game). Morabaraba is a board game. In contrast to
marriage, one cannot decide to switch partners as he or she pleases, once you make a
choice it is expected that you will stick to that person till death do you apart. The
former is a serious issue whereas the latter is just a game, a form of play.
Like the other songs, this song is addressed to the bride, thus giving the
impression that the success and or failure of a marriage in the Setswana cultural context

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is dependent on the woman. It is indirectly telling the bride that now that she is married
she should stick to her husband only, she ought not look over her shoulders at other men,
nor have extra marital relationships. The song is warning her against promiscuity; as this
would bring shame not only to herself but to her family.
The next song talks about the irresponsibility of a man. This is one of the few
songs that are addressed to the groom.
Sira le le sweu la ga mogatsa Motswere
Sira le le sweu la ga mogatsa Motswere
Le tserwe ke phefo o ntse o le teng
Le tserwe ke phefo o ntse o le teng
Tutu tlogema o reme lesaka
Tutu tlogema o reme lesaka
Kgomo di sutlhile o ntse o le teng
Kgomo di sutlhile o ntse o le teng
The white veil of Motsweres wife
The white veil of Motsweres wife
Has been blown away by the wind in your presence
Has been blown away by the wind in your presence
Tutu stand up and build a kraal
Tutu stand up and build a kraal
The cattle have run away in your presence
The cattle have run away in your presence

In the Setswana culture it is the responsibility of the husband to provide for his
wife and children. First and foremost he must maintain his wife by providing her with all
the necessities. Thus, he is bound to provide her with a matrimonial home, clothes and
food. In return for maintenance, he is entitled to her services in domestic matters,
including cooking and the care of the house generally. Both husband and wife are
required to maintain quite an orderly domestic life and cruelty and unnecessary
quarrelling are discouraged.

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The above song talks about the consequences that befell an irresponsible husband
who did not take care of his wife. The husband did not provide for his wife, emotionally,
sexually and materially. He did not provide her with food and clothes as expected; neither
did he fulfill her sexual needs. Therefore the woman was suffering from real hunger and
metaphorical (sexual) hunger. When she could no longer take it she left him.
As mentioned elsewhere in the dissertation, the wedding gown is symbolic of the
bridal attire which is bought by the grooms family. In this song the sira le le sweu (the
white veil) refers to the marriage. The veil has been blown away by the phefo (wind)
meaning that the marriage is dissolved because the husband did not take care of his wife;
he did not give her love. Lesire which is usually white symbolizes purity and goodness.
Phefo on the other hand is dusty and dirty. Phefo therefore symbolizes the problems,
turbulences, unhappiness and sadness in the marriage which finally led to the dissolution
of the marriage.
In addition, lesaka (kraal) is where cattle and other livestock are kept. It is the
responsibility of men to maintain the kraal and to make sure that any broken places are
mended so that the animals cannot escape through the holes. In this song lesaka (kraal)
symbolizes the house or home the husband is supposed to build for his wife. It also
means the love, care, security and protection that he is expected to give to his wife. Since
he did not take care of the kraal, the dikgomo (cattle) di sutlhile (ran away).
Furthermore, in this song dikgomo refers to the wife and lesaka to the home. If a
kraal is not properly built, it is easy for the cattle to breakthrough and run away. The
same concept is applied to marriage. If a man does not take care of his wife, she will run
away, she will find other means of survival. By building a kraal the husband is protecting

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his wife and making sure that his marriage lasts forever. Tutu in this song did not fulfill
his marital obligations hence his marriage is over.
The words o ntse o le teng (in your presence) reinforce the husbands negligence
and irresponsibility. He did not even see the signs of the unhappiness of his wife until it
were too late. Both the veil and the cattle are important symbols in marriage, which the
husband gave to his wife or her family now that they are gone, it means there is no
marriage.
The next three songs are songs of welcome, pride and identity. These songs were
recorded at a wedding celebration at Rampedi ward in Mochudi. The first song is a
welcome song to the bride.
Nkhutsa kokota kokota
O dumeletswe
Ralefala a re o tsene ka kwano
O dumeletswe
Nkhutsa knock knock
You are welcome
Ralefala says come in
You are welcome

This song was sung as the bride, Khutsafalo, arrived at Rampedi ward, her in-laws
home. Nkhutsa is the short form of Khutsafalo, the name of the bride. Ralefala is the
name of her father-in-law. She is told to kokota (knock) presumably at the compound
entrance, though her in-laws have already agreed that she can come in, hence o
dumeletswe, you are welcome. In actual fact, her in-laws have long accepted her into
their home during the patlo and that is why they are saying o dumeletswe. In the
Setswana culture good manners and courtesy to others dictate that one should knock

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before entering a house or compound. Like other wedding songs, this song is also short
and repetitive. The repetition serves as emphasis for welcoming the bride.
The performers were were mainly residents of this ward and relatives who live in
other wards in the village. They told me that they always sing this song to welcome a new
bride into their ward. They said they sing the song to make her feel comfortable. They
usually use the name of the bride and her husbands fathers name to indicate that she is
fully welcome. The use of the fathers name is an indication and an affirmation that he is
the head of the household and if he has welcomed her no other person can behave
otherwise.
The next song is a song that expresses pride for being a member of the Rampedi
ward.
Go nyalwa ga Rampedi ke maemo
Go nyalwa ga Rampedi ke maemo
Khutsafalo
It is prestigious to be married at Rampedi ward
It is prestigious to be married at Rampedi ward
Khutsafalo
Like the previous song, this song is very short and repetitive. The singers are
bragging that it is prestigious and honorary to be married to somebody from Rampedi
ward. This song was sung by the grooms delegation at Mabodisa ward, the brides ward,
as they were about to leave to go back to Rampedi ward at the end of the celebrations at
her home. By implication, they are proud to be members of that prestigious ward. But
when I asked them what the prestige was, nobody could answer my question. They said
they never really questioned or even thought about the meaning of the song beyond just
elevating their ward in praise. Some people said the song was probably composed as a

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counter to a song from another ward which tried to ridicule Rampedi ward. It was
common in the past to compose rivalry songs and to compete with words at weddings and
other social gatherings. At times a song like the one under discussion was composed to
elevate the status of the ward without validating the facts in the songs.
The next song is a song about pride and identity. The singers want to be identified
with their ward.
Ba bulele
Ba bulele
Ba tla sala ba botsana ba re
Ba le ke bo mang
Ke masutlha phefo a Rampedi
Open for them/Let them in
Open for them
They will remain behind and ask themselves saying
Who are those people
They are the brave ones of Rampedi ward
Like the previous songs, this song was sung by men and women of Rampedi
ward. They told me that the message of the song is short and straightforward. It identifies
them as members of Rampedi ward. The song also gives them a sense of pride, belonging
and exclusiveness as members of the same group. They told me that they sing this song to
inform those present at the wedding celebration of who they are. The phrase ba bulele
which literally means let them in or open the doors for them, expresses welcome and
hospitality. The people are welcome so that they can witness for themselves the singing
prowess, unity, communality etc prevalent in this ward.
Consequently, the people will be so amazed and amused by the musical
performance such that they would want to know who these great performers are, hence
ba tla sala ba botsana (they will ask themselves) ba re ba le ke bo mang (they will say

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who are those people). They will be told that ke masutlha phefo a Rampedi (the brave
ones from Rampedi). The phrase masutlha phefo literally means to go through a strong
wind, but in this case it describes and identifies the people of Rampedi ward as proud of
themselves, brave and not shy people.
The following song is an example of a song that echoes moral values.
Mme mmaSelina
Kgalemela Selina
O mo ree ore
Monna ga a latelwe
Monna ga a latelwe
Monna ga a latelwe
Ko nyatsing
O tla utlwa botlhoko
Selinas mother
Admonish Selina
Tell her that
She should not follow her husband
She should not follow her husband
She should not follow her husband
At his concubines home
She will get hurt
The above song advices and warns the bride to conform to certain moral standards
prescribed by the society. The message of the song is therefore prescriptive. It identifies
the wrong behavior of a wife who follows her husband at his concubines home. The
song tells Selina to stop doing that because ultimately she will be emotionally hurt. The
emphasis of the message of this song is expressed by the words kgalemela (admonish),
ga a latelwe (should not be followed), nyatsi (concubine) and botlhoko (hurt).
The song is addressed to Selinas mother. This is not surprising given that in the
Setswana cultural context mothers bear the sole responsibility of the upbringing of their
children. This also explains why most children have an intimate relationship with their

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mothers. This relationship makes it easier for a child to express his or her feelings to his
or her mother and to freely discuss critical and important issues with her. In addition,
since the upbringing of the children especially the daughters is the mothers
responsibility, when a child makes a mistake, the mother is blamed and heavily criticized.
She is also expected to intervene and make her child correct or change her behavior.
In the above song Selina is doing something wrong, she is following her husband
to his concubines home. Such an act is regarded as shameful not only to herself but to
her natal family and her husbands family. It also considered disrespectful to her
husband. Therefore, her mother is asked to reprimand her and protect her from shame in
the eyes of the community. The song also states that if Selina continues to do that she will
be emotionally hurt.
I asked my informants to explain to me what the word nyatsi means. Below are
two explanations that I was given by Mr. Mabodisa and Mr. Gare both of Mabodisa ward.
The first explanation was given by Mr. Mabodisa,
Brankie: Ke kopa gore le ntlhalosetse gore ha gotwe nyatsi go tewang.
Mabodisa: Lefoko le la nyatsi le gabedi o nkutlwe pila. O nyetswe, o bo o
nna le monna o sele, monna wa gago a tshela gatwe o inyaditse ebile o
nyaditse monna o wa gago o. O inyaditse, o dirile bonyatsi.
Brankie: Le raya mosadi hela?
Mabodisa: Le raya mongwe le mongwe o o nyetseng/nyetsweng a ba a
ntsha o mongwe ko thoko.
Brankie: I would like you to explain to me what is meant by a concubine.
Mabodisa: Hear me properly; the word concubine can be used in two
ways. You are a married woman and then you have an affair with another
man while your husband is still alive. In such a situation it is said that you
have belittled yourself and your husband. You have committed
concubinage.
Brankie: Does it refer to women only?
Mabodisa: It refers to anybody who is married and has an affair on the
side.

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Another informant, Mr. Gare concurred with Mr. Mabodsas explanation but further
explained that;
Brankie: A rre o batla go tlatsa se se builweng?
Gare: Tlhaloso ya rona ya re wena mosadi o o nyetsweng ge go tla monna
o mongwe o o nyetseng kampo ga a nyala, a feta a robala le wena o
inyaditse. Le ene o nyaditse monna o wa gago a bo a go nyatsa. Ka gore o
a itse gore ga a tshwanna, o motho wa motho o mongwe, yaanong gore a
robale le wena ke lenyatso. Ke sone a bidiwa nyatsi. O nyaditse, o
nyaditse lenyalo.
Brankie: Do you want to add something to what has already been said?
Gare: Our explanation is that when a married woman sleeps with another
man other than her husband, the man may or may not be married; we say
that she has belittled herself. The man has also belittled the womans
husband because he knows that he is not supposed to do that because the
woman belongs to somebody else. So for him to sleep with the woman is
lack of respect. That is why he is called a concubine. He has belittled the
marriage.
Interestingly, the above song seems to condone the husbands behavior. He is not
reprimanded for his bad behavior or for having an extra marital affair but rather it is the
wife who is told what to do or not do. This gives the impression that it is fine for a
husband to have a concubine and that the wife should not do anything about it. If she gets
to know about the relationship she should not react in any way that may embarass her
husband or herself. Therefore, to preserve her dignity a wife should be submissive to her
husband. Failure to conform to such expectations is unacceptable and viewed negatively
by the society as echoed by this song.
By singing this song, the singers have assumed the authoritative and paternalistic
role of spokesperson for the male establishment (Longwe and Clark 1990: 55). In a
patriarchal society men are the makers, custodians and interpreters of the rules. The song
therefore indirectly echoes what the male dominated society cherishes and embraces. In

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this case it is to reprimand the woman for following her husband and for verbalizing that
such an action is wrong.
When I asked the women how they feel about this song, they told me that they
think it is unfair. They pointed out that in most cases when a husband has an extramarital
affair he is not to blame. He is actually percieved as a victim, of a woman who has gained
control over him or who is too independent. Although polygamy has long been abolished
in Botswana, an element of polygamy still lingers on in that the husband is allowed to
have girlfriends which the wife has to tolerate, but any extramarital affair by the wife is
seen as infidelity.
It is evident from the above discussion that the songs implicit image of gender
relationships is essentially patriarchal. Undoubtedly, many of the songs do have
important ideological elements within them. The message is ideological in the sense that
it describes the world of gender relationships not only as it is but simultaneously as it
ought to be. The patriarchal message is also ideological in the sense that it provides a
general theory for understanding all gender relationships (Longwe and Clark 1990).
From the above discussion one wonders whether people especially the younger
generation live to the expectations of these songs. One of my informants Dr. Pinkie
Mekgwe believes that people do live to the expectations of the songs, especially if one
gets married at an earlier age. She argued that when one listens to what is said during the
counseling session and to the songs, there is a lot of pressure to actually live up to the
expectations of the songs. She also argued that because of this pressure there are people
who despite having marital problems continue to do things for their in-laws like buying
food for them and taking care of them generally.

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The younger generation was disgruntled by the fact that sometimes one cannot
serve her husband and children well simply because there are these other obligations that
are emphasized for one to fulfill now that she has joined this family. Mekgwe argued that
wedding songs are more like a blueprint of the society, whether they mirror it or not is
another matter, but one thing certain is that they condition you, they are a form of
indoctrination. She emphasized that this kind of indoctrination makes it hard to divorce
oneself from these obligations because doing so is like going against the grain. This will
consequently result in unnecessary conflict between the bride and her in-laws. So for
peace sake most people live to these expectations.
However, some people do go against the grain while others do take care of their
in-laws. They feel obliged to visit them frequently, and to perform most if not all the
household chores while visiting. Others take care of their in-laws by supporting them
financially. However, some dodge the daughter-in-law responsibilities by staying away
too long, not visiting frequently. Others build their own homes far away from their inlaws and then visit them for a few hours sometimes. Further, some hire maids who do the
job for them. In addition, there are others who are outrightly rebellious, they do not do
any of the things they are expected to do as daughters-in-law rather they do what pleases
them. Better still; some in-laws are young, educated and independent so they do not need
help from their daughters-in-law like the older ones.
There is a discrepancy between the ideal and reality. Most people talk about
gender equality, feminism, womens liberation etc, but do they really practice what they
preach? In most cases the answer is no. People still go back and do all the things that they
say need to be changed for the advancement of the society and for the liberation of

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women. They easily succumb to social pressure. Fortunately, most people are beginning
to understand and fight against gender discrimination in Botswana.
In conclusion, Botswana is a patriarchal and patrilocal society and this system is
reflected in the wedding songs. This system is further reflected by the unequal positions
that men and women occupy in the Botswana society. Women and men have been
socialized to consider this pattern of inequalities as the norm since it is supported by
traditions through cultural beliefs and values. Evidently, the wife has to work very hard
for the success of the marriage. If a marriage is between two people why then is the
success of that union placed on the shoulders of one person?
There are evident changes in the society, in the way people perceive of
themselves. More and more women now enjoy some degree of economic independence
as a result of improved access to education and working opportunities all of which enable
them to exercise fuller control. The Botswana society still considers marriage to be a
lifetime commitment despite the fact that the number of separations and divorces are
increasing and continue to increase. In the next chapter we take a closer look at familial
conflicts which in most cases lead to a divorce.

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CHAPTER 7
Familial Conflicts and Conflict Resolution.

This chapter examines the problems inherent in marriages in contemporary

Botswana. I will use recorded court cases from the Bakgatla Tribal Administration in
Mochudi; interviews with divorcees in Mochudi and Sikwane and my observations of the
proceedings of marital disputes at the Mochudi kgotla to show the different causes and
types of familial conflicts and how the conflicts were resolved. The chapter also discusses
the three main types of conflicts namely, conflict between husband and wife; conflict
between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and conflict between daughter-in-law and
other members of her husbands family. The questions I ask in this chapter are; what
causes these conflicts, how are they resolved and do wedding songs address these issues;
if not what other options are there for the resolution of such conflicts.
Anne Griffiths book, In The Shadow of Marriage: Gender and Justice In An
African Community (2000), based on her research in Molepolole in the Kweneng District
in Botswana, examines the strategies of men and women in disputes about several issues
including but not limited to, paternity, child support and the obligations of spouses or
partners. This study highlights the inequities that women face in areas icluding access to
land, cattle and cash. Griffiths collection of life, family, and histories of disputes enables
her to tease out the complex motivations, objectives, and meanings of Bakwena legal and
social problems. In a similar manner I highlight the causes and types of marital conflicts
and or domestic disputes among the Bakgatla of Mochudi and Sikwane by interviewing

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people who have or have had such problems. This could be viewed as that particular
persons marital life history.
Familial conflicts have not been thoroughly dealt with from a folkloric
perspective. Enoch Mvulas study of the Tumbuka pounding songs (1985) shows that the
Tumbuka use pounding songs as a medium of communication in managing familial
conflicts. The study shows how these songs can be employed to study interpersonal
relationships and how problems in human relationships are played out and temporarily
resolved. Mvula posits that the womans pivotal familial positions as daughter-in-law and
wife cause the woman to experience tensions which may be resolved through pounding
songs (Mvula 1985: 93). He also argues that the interaction between a husband and his
wife is not always smooth. Discordance over several issues leads to critical tensions
between them. However, he argues that this does not mean that there are no instances of
harmony and affection in the families. The Tumbuka also have songs which celebrate the
joys of marriage.
In the Setswana culture marriage is not a union for the bride and groom only but it
is also for their families. When two people marry, they become kin and their families will
also be tied by kinship. The estrangements in the family are associated with the extension
of ties to wider kinship groupings. These groupings support the family, but they are also
inimical to the family (Gluckman, 1965: 56). The groupings are also essential in creating
unity of the larger society.
The family is the smallest political unit which is often but not always riddled with
problems. I concur with Isaac Schapera when he says;
From the wifes point of view, the happiness and success of her marriage
sometimes depends not so much upon her husband himself as upon his

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parents and other relatives among whom she is living. While she generally
manages to get on fairly well with them, it happens now and then that they
grow jealous of her and begin to dislike her, especially if they feel that her
husband is devoting all his attention to her and is not supporting them as
liberally as before. They will then start grumbling, possibly with justice,
that she is lazy, disobedient or flighty in her conduct; they will continually
run down her family; and if her husband takes her part will accuse her and
her parents of having won him over by the use of love potions. She on the
other hand, may have cause for complaint in the burdens they thrust upon
her, and in their attempts to restrict her from visiting or entertaining her
friends; and should she be childless after a few years, she will readily
attribute this to their evil dispositions or their use of sorcery. If a man is
too devoted to his wife, they say she has bewitched him out of his senses.
(Schapera 1941: 287)

From the above quotation it is evident that there are numerous causes for conflicts
in families. Some of the reasons for conflicts between husband and wife are: infidelity,
lack of respect and support for each other, being unfaithful, irresponsibility, lack of
patience and perseverance. Ideally, the couple has to be faithful, loyal, respect and
support each other, and so forth for the success of the marriage.
Husband and wife should be faithful to each other after marriage. It is a breach of
marital rights if one has sexual relations with any other person. The first and foremost
cause of marital problems is infidelity and unfaithfulness of either party. Obviously, if the
other partner finds out, it will create conflict and tension in the marriage. Both men and
women have a tendency to engage in extra marital affairs. I read about several cases at
the Bakgatla Tribal Administration in (Mochudi Customary court) that dealt with this
issue. Perusing through the records showed that most of the unfaithfulness was done by
men. However, I also observed the deliberations of a divorce case due to infidelity by a
woman. The husband wanted a divorce because his wife was cheating on him. The case

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was heard by Kgosi Mothibe Linchwe and Kgosana Ntsietala Mabodisa. Below is a
summary of the case;
The husband wanted a divorce because he caught his wife sleeping with
another man on two occasions. The culprit was hired as a herdman. He
was also related to the woman. The couple did not live together because
the husband was a teacher in another village. He came home on weekends
and during the holidays only. According to the husband he first caught
them in June 1998 and again in October 1998. He fired the herdman. He
reported the matter to his parents and his wife promised to stop but she did
not. After he caught them the second time there has never been peace in
the family. He said they always quarreled and they were also not intimate
with each other. At the second hearing his wife agreed that her husband
had caught her with another man. The culprit who apparently is related to
the woman was also present at this meeting; he too agreed that they were
caught together. They both asked for forgiveness. The husband did not
agree to the plea and reconciliation because this was the second time. So
after the meeting the woman left with her parents. Furthermore, the
husband said he suspected that the last two children are not his because
they do not resemble him.
In response to the allegations the wife said that she was forced to have an affair
because she was sexually starving and suffering. She said she became unfaithful to her
husband because they were not sexually active. Secondly, her husband did not provide
her with basic necessities such as food and clothing. At the time of the hearing in
September 2002 she had a three year old baby boy with the herdman. The child was born
in 1996, two years before the couple lived separately. The marriage was dissolved on
September 24, 2002. The property was divided equally between the two.
The following is another court case in which the husband cheated on his wife and
ended up having a child with his cousin. Violet Harvey of Sikwane related the story to
me as follows;
I got married to Dan Moatshe of Mmathubudukwane village in March,
1975. After marriage we lived with his parents at their home. We never
fought with my husband, but he was an irresponsible man. The reason why
my husband did not want me anymore was because he had an affair with

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his cousin who lived next door to us. He even has a child with that
woman. When I heard about this I reported the matter to his parents and
the people who were involved in the betrothal negotiations as required by
custom. They tried to talk to him and show him his wrong but he did not
listen nor apologize. So in November 1981, my husband told his parents
that he wanted a divorce. His parents informed my parents about this and a
meeting was scheduled to discuss the issue in the confines of the
household but still Dan did not want to listen. He insisted that he wanted a
divorce. His parents were totally against his actions and decision, so they
went to Mochudi to report the matter to Kgosi Linchwe II, the paramount
chief of the Bakgatla. Kgosi Linchwe II came to Sikwane in February,
1982 to listen to the case. After listening to the deliberations of the case,
Kgosi Linchwe IIs verdict was that Dan should move out of his parents
home and find his own plot and build a home for his wife and children.
Dan never built a home for us, instead he disappeared, and nobody knew
where he was. So in 1983 my parents-in-law told me to return to my
home. It is painful to divorce and very difficult to raise four children
alone.

Like the previous case, the cause of the marital problems was infidelity. The
husband had an affair with another woman and they ended up having a child together.
This caused the wife tremendous stress but she persevered as is expected of a Motswana
woman. She did not initiate the divorce because she believed that her husband had made
a mistake and she was willing to stay in the marriage. Thus this woman can be seen as
adhering to the messages portrayed in wedding songs and to the advice given during the
counseling session.
My informants said that in most cases, wives are tolerant of their husbands
infidelity so long as he continues to look after the family and he fulfills his sexual
obligations. They argued that what makes the problem more painful and unbearable is
when the husband neglects his home that is, the wife and children. It is the responsibility
of the husband to take care of his family; he must provide financial and emotional
support for his wife and family. He must fulfill his sexual obligations to his wife, too. On

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the other hand, the wife is responsible for all the household chores including but not
limited to cooking, sweeping, fetching water, taking care of the husband, the children and
other members of the family. If any party does not meet their familial obligations and
responsibilities, it can lead to conflict between the two which may lead to a divorce.
In the above case, the husband wanted the divorce probably so that he could love
his concubine freely. The interesting aspect of this narration is that his parents were
against his actions. They did not support him, but since they could not force him to stay
in the marriage, they had to relent. It is also unusual that a woman is sent back home
when the marriage does not work. However, in this case Violet said that Dans parents
had realized how irresponsible their son was; they also felt that she would live a better
life at her home amongst her people. Violet also told me that up to this day she still has a
good relationship with her in-laws. When there is bereavement or a celebration, they
invite her, and she does the same thing to them too.
I asked Violet whether at any point in her marriage during the problems she
experienced any wedding song crossed her mind. In response she said she remembered
the song dikuku di monate. She said when the song was sung at her wedding she did not
really pay much attention but during her marital problems that is when she realized the
essence and meaning of that song. Though the song does not specify what kind of
problems a bride will encounter, the cases discussed above are clear indications of how
and why a marriage can go sour.
The wedding songs are a constant reminder that marriage is not easy, why is it so?
Generally life is not easy whether one is married or not but nobody constantly reminds a
single person that life is not easy. Once you get married, the issue is repeated time and

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again and precisely with wedding songs. The song is telling the bride to be aware that she
may face marital problems. Marriage is not always smooth, things that you do not like
may arise so be prepared. Such things include but are not limited to, an abusive husband,
a bully mother-in-law, unappreciative in-laws, gossip, name-calling and so forth.
Since the society does not condone irresponsibility of married persons, especially
of a husband Bakgatla have a wedding song that talks about this issue. The song sira le le
sweu talks about a man who failed to meet the societal expectations of a husband. He did
not take care of his wife. The woman was suffering from real hunger and metaphorical
(sexual) hunger. When she could no longer take it she found a way out, that is she went
back home, she divorced him. This song indicates that another source of confrontation
between husband and wife could stem from the irresponsibility of the man. If the husband
does not provide for his wife financially, emotionally, materially and sexually this may
disrupt the prevailing peace in the family and lead to conflict. The aforementioned song
is sung as an invitation to influence behavior and thereby re-establish stability within the
family. There are two things that have been thrown off balance in the family. First, there
is the lack of harmony in the house between the man and his wife. Second, the husband
lacks social responsibility. When a man is so lazy that his laziness culminates to poverty,
the woman finds the experience painful and in conflict with her expectations of married
life.
Dr. Modise Mosothwane told me that he had to settle a dispute in which the
husband wanted a divorce because he had lost interest in his wife. He lost interest in his
wife because he had an affair with another woman. He said when they asked the husband
questions in order to understand what the cause of the problem was, and why he wanted a

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divorce, he came up with unconvincing reasons, for example, he said his wifes brother
bought her food and clothes. When he was asked where he was and what prompted his
brother-in-law to decide to buy things for his sister, he could not answer. It is the wife
who told the parents that her husband was having an affair with another woman and that
was the cause of their marital problems. Consequently, this made him neglect his family
and forced his wife who was suffering to go and ask for help from her brother. The case
was heard at home by the parents, and then referred to the ward headman and finally to
the kgotla where the marriage was dissolved. Evidently, a husbands constant failure to
maintain his wife and children is regarded as a justifiable cause for divorce among
Batswana.
Another cause of marital problems is lack of children. All societies require
children if they are to continue physically. Batswana believe that the main function of
marriage is procreation. Since Botswana society is patriarchal and decent is patrilineal it
attaches great importance and preference to the male child. The reason for this is that the
male child, as the heir in the family will perpetuate the lineage and the family name. Lack
of children creates tension in the home because a home without children is like food
without salt. Although the wife is under no legal obligation to produce children, every
woman would like to have children. The children give her higher value in her husbands
eyes, status in the society, and a guarantee of care in her old age. When a couple gets
married it is not taken as a fully fledged family until children are born. Children are what
consolidate a family. All my interviewees regarded children as an integral part of a
family. They argued that children provide continuity of the family and security for their

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parents in their old age. Many marriages are known to have broken down because of the
inability of one of the partners to have children.
Furthermore, Batswana abhor sterility and can be very harsh toward a woman
who cannot produce children. The attitude of traditional societies toward sterile women is
well known, and it finds expression in some wedding songs, underscoring an obsession
with the dreaded scourge of infertility. In most cases a husband neglects or ill-treats her,
she is scorned by other men and ridiculed by women too. Isaac Schapera (1994) says that;
Barrenness is attributed variously to sorcery, to some deficiency in the
womans blood, to some abnormality of her womb, to some former
abortion, and, above all, to the fact that before marriage she had led a very
promiscuous life (Schapera 1994: 155).
From the above it is clear that once a couple does not have children, the blame is placed
on the woman. This problem can cause marital difficulties. The husband can divorce such
a woman or he can go and have children with another woman, which of course would be
painful for the wife. The pain and emotional stress caused by a husband having a child
out of wedlock is illustrated by the following case between Motsisi Molefe and Gloria
Molefe of Mochudi. This is one of the recorded cases I read about at the Bakgatla Tribal
Administration. Interestingly, the elders at the kgotla referred me to the case. They said it
is a classic case because of the outcome. Below is a summary of the grievances as related
by Gloria Molefe, the wife and complainant.
I was married in 1992, in this kgotla by Kgosi Segale. My husband is a
soldier and I am a nurse. I did not have any problems in my marriage
because my husband was not the type of man who did not stay at home
nor who beat me. In 1996, we moved to Mapharangwane (a Botswana
Defense Force Barracks). I commuted to Princess Marina Hospital in
Gaborone where I worked. That is the year our problems started. My
husband did not stay at home. Everyday, on my way to Mapharangwane
after work I would meet my husband on the way to Gaborone. I would go
home, cook and wait for him but he would not come home until the

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following morning. I talked to him about the issue but things did not
change. After some time I reported the matter to our parents. I then
decided to move back to Mochudi because he did not stay at home and
commuting was too much for me. I stayed in Mochudi with my father-inlaw. My husband never came to Mochudi nor called me. On February 13,
1997, two men came to report that Motsisi has impregnated their daughter
named Yvonne and that she already has a baby at Princess Marina
Hospital. When I asked him he said he knew the woman in question and
that he will talk to me about the issue of the baby later, he never did. I also
did not bother him thereafter. On May 17, 1998 I went to Mochudi from
Ramotswa where I was attending a nursing school and found a letter
written by my husband on April 30, 1998, telling me that o bone tshimo e
e ka mo fang dijo literally, that he has found a field that can give him food.
The following morning I reported the matter to my father-in-law and my
sisters-in-law. They advised me to wait and see what he will happen. I am
hurt because my husband says he wants a divorce but he has never told me
what his problem is, so that we could resolve it, neither did he tell his
parents. My husband lives with a woman and their child, he does not care
about my welfare.

In the above case, Motsisis father, Phineas Molefe, told the court that they
discussed the issue on three occasions trying to persuade him not to divorce. Motsisi said
he wanted a divorce because his wife is barren. He had stated in his letter that o bone
tshimo e e ka mo fang dijo literally, meaning he has found a farm that can give him food.
This means he has found a woman who can give him children. Just as you plough in a
field and harvest whatever you had sown in it, tshimo, (field), refers to a woman and dijo
(food) refers to children. Basically, he has found a woman who is able to reproduce and
therefore wants to get rid of the barren one. Acknowledging this problem his father
suggested taking them to traditional doctors who know how to solve such problems but
Motsisi refused. They then had to call their bagwagwadi (in-laws, Glorias parents) to
come and hear what their son-in-law was saying about their daughter. The marriage was
dissolved at the kgotla. According to the records the property and any outstanding debts

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were to be divided equally between the two. In reaction to the verdict, Motsisis father
said;
Fa go ne go tlhala mosadi kene ke bona go tshwanela gore a tsee
mogagolwane wa gagwe a tsamaye mme ga ke bone gore ke eng fa
ngwanake a ka se tseye baki a tswa a tsamaya.
If it was the woman who was divorcing I would find it relevant that she
take her blanket and leave so I do not see why my son cannot take his
jacket and leave.
He said since he does not see any wrong that his daughter-in law has done that
warrants a divorce, and since the compound in which the couple built their house in is
his, Gloria is not going back to her home, his home is her home. He argued that when
Gloria got married, his wife had already passed away, so she was not only a daughter-inlaw but also a mother to his children. She was also very loving and never gave them any
problems. Given all this he thought it would be unfair to send her back to her home.
According to the record, Phineas Molefe further shocked the gathering by saying that he
will go to the Land Board which is responsible for the allocation of plots, to change the
title deed of the plot to Glorias name. He also said Motsisi will come to the yard as a
visitor and that will also depend on whether Gloria allows him or not. By so doing he was
virtually denying his son inheritance. This is very unusual and that is why the case is
considered a classic. This is a good example of the treatment that is expected of parentsin-law to their daughters-in-law. They should not take sides with their children but should
be as impartial as possible.
The reference to the clothes above is very interesting because among the Bakgatla
the above is a very common saying in times of conflict. If the woman is the one on the
wrong, she is told tsaya mogagolwane wa gago o tsamae o gagolaka dipoo mo nageng

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mo (take your blanket and go all over the place tearing bulls apart). It actually means that
she must go and sleep with as many and different men as she wants. The essence of this
saying comes from the noun mogagolwane (blanket) which women are supposed and
expected to wear at all formal gatherings such as betrothal negotiations, weddings and
funerals. Mogagolwane symbolizes a house in which a woman should keep her secrets.
Usually the women are supposed to pin the blanket at the chest, and, this is symbolic of
keeping the secrets to one self. On the negative side it means that she must take her
blanket and lie on it while sleeping with all the men in the world. The verb gagolaka (tear
with intensity) comes from the verb gagola (tear apart). The noun dipoo (bulls) refers to
the men she will sleep with. The saying has negative connotations because it means the
woman will just sleep with anybody that she meets, it emphasizes her promiscuity. On
the other hand, if it is the man who is at fault, he is told tsaya baki ya gago o tle o bake
(take your jacket so that you can learn a lesson). The essence of the saying is on the pun
with words baki (jacket) and baka (learn a lesson). The lesson he is supposed to learn is
that it is wrong to ill treat a woman. He will carry his jacket on his shoulder and move
from one woman to another because they will not tolerate his bad behavior.
It is also unfortunate that in most cases the woman is blamed if the couple cannot
have children without verifying that accusation with medical evidence. This is one of the
prejudices that society has toward women. In the past if a woman was barren the problem
was remedied through the practice of seantlo, by which one of her sisters or some other
female relative is given to the husband as substitute wife, to bear children in the house
of the barren wife (Schapera 1994: 145). The children she bore were regarded as the

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children of the barren wife. This, of course is based on the erroneous assumption that a
childless union is always the fault of the woman.
Interestingly, if the husband is impotent, the wife has no similar remedy to that
which he can employ if she is barren. However, Schapera (1994) explains that in the past
if such a problem arose, the husband might;
secretly allow some trusted relative or friend access to her. This custom is
known as go tsenya motho mo ntlung, to put somebody in the hut. The
husband would inform his wife that he had given this man the freedom of
her house, and that she should attend to him even in his absence. The
significance of this was clearly understood; and the woman had no right to
object.Any children he might have by her were regarded as those of the
husband and could never be claimed by their real father (Schapera 1994:
156).

I agree with Bowman and Kuenyeha (2003) who argue that this practice relegates women
to the status of objects whose mere existence is to serve the interests of men and to satisfy
and fulfill their wishes. The pressure to have children exerted on people by society also
deprives them of the fundamental rights and freedom to choose the type of lifestyle that
they desire (p.33). It is men who make these decisions about women, the women have
little say. Things have changed the practices mentioned above are non-existent now.
The importance of children is performed when the bride arrives at her in-laws
home. One of the dramatic performances at the grooms home before the bride enters the
compound is that a woman from the grooms family would carry a baby on her back and
dance in front of the bride. While doing so, she will also utter words like re batla bana, o
re tsholele bana, re ba belege (we want children, you must have children so that we can
carry them on our backs). It is every womans dream to have children and more so for the
mother-in-law to have grandchildren. If she is a good and loving mother-in-law, she will

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look after the children and carry them on her back as she goes about her business in the
home and in the village. The importance of children is also reinforced during the
counseling session. A maternal aunt may say;
Segametsi ngwana waga nkgonne yaanong o nyetswe, o tshwanetse go
bopa lapa mme kana lapa le bopiwa ka bana. O seka wa tsoga o re tlhabisa
ditlhong go twe o gana go tshola bana. Bana ke dipilara tsa lenyalo
Segametsi my brothers daughter, you are married now, you must build
your family. A family is built with children. Do not embarrass us in the
future by refusing to have children. Children are the pillars of a marriage.
Surprisingly, when the groom is counseled, nothing is said to him about children. This
gives the impression that the honor of reproduction is entirely on the wife. This is why
when the couple is unable to have children the first person to be blamed is the woman.
This is another example of gender bias towards women in the Setswana society. There is
no song that talks about the issue of lack of children from the corpus I collected neither
do I personally know of the existence of such a song or songs.
In addition, my informants, young and old told me that most of the marital
problems these days are caused by lack of respect between the married couples. Respect
is used in the broad sense of the word to include, the ability to talk to each other nicely
and civilly; discuss issues together; ability to listen and compromise; accepting and
knowing how to deal with each others strengths and weaknesses. If the couple cannot
adhere to these basic rules, then conflict arises. Both men and women said that this
problem is even more prevalent among the younger generation. If there is a disagreement
over something instead of talking nicely to each other they use abusive words and this
more often than not results in physical fights.

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I was told that in the past, husband and wife respected each other. They discussed
issues together in a civil manner. Even if there was domination by any party, it was not
made explicit. The problem of lack of respect is aggravated by the fact that both men and
women work, so nobody is financially dependent on the other. Whereas in the past the
husband was solely responsible for supporting his family financially, he was the provider
and the wife was the organizer. So in the past one of the things that kept marriages
together was the economics of the household. Men stuck to the things they did that
brought income into the home. Women on the other hand stuck to maintaining the
household. But now the economic set up has changed, and women are independent.
Ideally, the couple should discuss family matters together without any party feeling or
thinking that he or she is superior to the other. Doing so will result in the smooth running
of the family and a successful marriage.
Closely related to the above is the problem of lack of patience and perseverance
by husbands and wives together. The older generation talked strongly about this issue.
They said there are as many wedding celebrations as there are divorces because the
younger generation does not take marriage seriously. To explain the difference between
marriages today and those in the past Mr. Ntsietala Mabodisa said;
Yaanong motho o ne a tlhala a le mongwe morago ga dingwaga gongwe di
ka nna lesome kana go feta. A tlhala a le mo Kgatleng, a tlhalla Bakgatla.
Tlhalo e ne ekete ke selo se se tlhabisang ditlhong. Tlhalo e ne e se ntsi,
batsadi ba ne ba laola mo malatsing a ga re laole. Yaanong malatsing a
tlhalo e ile magoletsa. Tsatsi le letsatsi ga beke e fela go a twe
phuthegannang ka kwano go a tlhalwa
One person would divorce after a very long time, maybe after ten years or
more. The divorce would be like he is doing it for all Bakgatla in the
Kgatleng district. Divorce was an embarrassing thing. There were not
many divorces because the parents controlled their children. Now these

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days the divorce rate is very high. Every weekend we are summoned to
come and listen to divorce cases

My informants said the reason why the divorce rate is so high is because the
slightest mistake the other party makes, the other runs to divorce. They argued that
people do not have patience anymore. Bathusi Moremi said that the problem is also
compounded by the fact that people get married at a very early age. So when problems
arise and somebody wants to divorce they do so without hesistation because they know
they can remarry or remain single and enjoy life. This statement was reinforced by
Obonye Mogale who said that in the past people married at middle age so it was
unthinkable of them to want to divorce. He said by the time they had marital problems
they were too old to even think about divorce. They preserved despite their unhappiness.
Another informant Mrs. Sempi Seemise reiterated the fact that nowadays couples
have no patience and perseverance like in the past. Below is how she responded to my
question about this issue,
Brankie: A bogologolo go ne go na le boitshoko?
Sempi: Bogologolo go ne go na le boitshoko ngwanaka. Ga gona mosadi o
o sa tshelang bokete. Re tshetse bokete ebile re ne re sa itse gore re ka aga
malapa. Malapa a otlhe a a agilwe ka mathata. Ke ha ere re kopane re le
bomme re re bathong matlo a otlhe a ana a. A re wena mmata o reng o
mpolella tsa gago, tsa gago di botoka, tsame di feta tsa gago, mme mmata
di buele ka fa teng ga ntlo ka fa. Ga o ete o ntse o bua thata o intsha seriti.
Brankie: In the past did people have perseverance?
Sempi: There was perseverance in the past my child. There is no woman
who did not have problems. We have all lived a difficult life; we did not
even know that we could have families. All these homes have problems.
That is why when we are gathered as women we say all these houses have
leakages, (when it rains water comes in). Your friend will tell you her
problems and you will respond by saying my problems are worse than
yours but you must discuss them in the house. You must not go about
talking about your problems because that lowers your dignity.

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The above is related to the song o itshoke which basically tells the bride to
persevere because her parents have accepted bogadi. A daughter-in-law is supposed to
stand up to the challenges of marital life and not run back home or divorce. The song tells
her that there may be or will be physical and emotional abuse as symbolized by setoropo
(knotted belt). The younger women argued that these songs have negative connotations
and reinforce the subordination and oppression of women by men. Why should one
persevere simply because her parents have accepted bogadi? They argued that songs like
these encourage women to stay in abusive marriages. Evidently, some young couples do
not adhere to the message of this song hence the divorce rate is going up each an every
day. On the contrary, the older women frequently cited that song as one that has helped
sustain their marriages.
The following narrative exemplifies a womans perseverance in an abusive
relationship. I recorded this narrative during an interview session in Sikwane.
We were married on January 4, 1984, at the District Commissioners. My
husband was a divorcee. We both worked in South Africa so after getting
married we went back to there. We had a happy marriage while in South
Africa. My husband retired in 1990 and came to live in Botswana. I stayed
in South Africa until the following year when my husband said I should
come home. I cannot say what the cause of the problems was but my
husband was a drunkard. He would come home late at night and start
shouting at me and beating me for no apparent reason. He was physically
abusive, but I kept telling myself that things will change, I persevered but
it did not help. He often told me to go back to my home but I did not take
that seriously. The fear for my own life and the prevailing circumstances
forced me to go back to my home. I left on November 17, 1997.

From the above, we can tell that some women do adhere to the messages
portrayed in the wedding songs and to what they are told during the counseling session.
This woman told me that she persevered because she believed that her husbands attitude

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would change and become the loving man she married. She also said she did not want to
divorce because that would bring shame not only to herself but to the rest of her family,
more so that they married when they were already old. She was 62 and he was 65 then.
Some women get out of abusive marriages quickly while others stay and hope that things
will change for the better. Women in most cases are subjected not only to physical abuse
but to all other forms of abuse such as emotional and verbal abuse as illustrated by the
above excerpt.
In addition, the issue of power and power relations can also bring conflict in the
family. Traditionally, the man is the head of the household. All decisions pertaining to
the welfare of the family are taken by him with or without the consent of his wife. This
does not mean that women are always submissive and gentle. There are men who are
hen-pecked by shrewd and strong-minded women. Therefore there is a discrepancy
between the real and ideal life situation. This can create problems especially if the wife
insists on having a say in the running of her family. This can also create problems when
ideally one is supposed to be the head of the family but reality proves to the contrary. For
example, if the husband is not working or his wife earns more he does.
According to societal expectations the role of the wife is to service what the head
offers: for example, cook the food bought by the man, clean the house built by a man and
so forth. But, if he is not able to provide these things for one reason or the other that can
bring conflict in the home because there is an imbalance in terms of prescribed familial
power relations. When a man cannot live up to the expectations of the society, he
becomes very bitter because he is emasculated, he is not a man. Failure to fulfill any of

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these responsibilities will result in conflicts between husband and wife which in some
cases lead to a divorce.
As already mentioned, some conflicts arise between mother-in-law and daughterin- law. The conflicts may arise because of laziness, disobedience, arrogance and so forth
of the latter. A daughter-in-law is expected to work hard, and perform most if not all the
household chores. Laziness on her part is not tolerated. This belief is expressed in
wedding songs such as fiela fiela, heela mmatsale and mmamosimane itumele discussed
in the previous chapter. All these songs talk about the socially constructed female chores
that the bride is expected to perform. For example, she is expected to sweep, clean the
house, cook, fetch water, do laundry, and take care of her husband, children and her inlaws. Failure to comply with these expectations usually leads to conflict between the
daughter-in-law and her parents-in-law and even other members of her husbands family
such as her sisters-in-law, uncles and aunts. The conflict affects other members of her
family because of the extended kinship system in Botswana, in which a woman is a wife
to her husband and to the entire ward. This means she is expected to take part in all the
activities of the ward such as wedding celebrations, funerals and any others that bring
members together. It is at such gatherings that lazy and hard working daughters-in-law
are distinguished. Obviously a lazy daughter-in-law is not tolerated to the extent that
verbal accusations and castigations are expressed by her in-laws. Gatherings like the ones
above, accord the in-laws an opportunity for name-calling and character assassination.
In addition, the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law puts the
daughter-in-law in an ambivalent position. Culturally the daughter-in-law is supposed to
be respectful and deferential to her mother-in-law. As a daughter-in-law she must work

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close to her and perform various domestic services for her. They cannot avoid each other.
The mother-in-law is supposed to teach her the ways of her family. She is the mentor,
teacher and supervisor. Although the relationship between these two women in most
cases frictional, there are some mothers-in-law who are affectionate and protect their
daughters-in-law. In the Setswana culture, a mother-in-law is generally known to be a
bully and a very difficult person to deal with. Thus her relationship with her daughter-inlaw is usually not a smooth one.
It is noteworthy to mention that the problem is not always caused by the motherin-law. At times it emanates from the arrogance of the daughter-in-law herself. I was
informed that there are some daughters-in-law who arrive at their in-laws home with
preconceived ideas and a negative attitude towards their mothers-in-law. They already
believe that they are going to encounter problems with their mothers-in-law and other
members of her husbands family. Therefore, deliberately end up creating problems
where they are not. For example, become difficult to deal with just to rival her mother-inlaw.
During my interviews Mpho Pilane elaborated on the above issue by using the
example of an educated woman married to an educated man but whose siblings and other
members of his family are not educated. She said such a woman usually looks down upon
her in-laws. She does not make any efforts to socialize with them, create a network with
them, visit or even talk to them. She also said some daughters-in-law are not hospitable in
their homes. If you visit your brothers house and his wife makes it clear that you are not
welcome, you will vow never to set your foot in their house again. The in-laws will find
it difficult to visit them. Evidently, this kind of a daughter-in-law wants to live in

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isolation with her husband only. Mpho said in some cases this can create conflict because
the husband will feel that his wife does not like his people and she wants to isolate him
from his family. If this is something he is not prepared to do, it can easily lead to a
divorce. Consequently, the in-laws upon realizing her attitude vow to make her life in
their home difficult and miserable. It is problematic to join a family already with
preconceived ideas and a negative attitude towards them.

The social network and

familial bond that is supposed to be created falls apart so when she has problems with her
husband she has nowhere to go.
Another plausible cause of friction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
may be insecurity and jealousy, which usually emanates from the fact that the mother-inlaw usually finds it difficult to acknowledge that her son is now a married man and so has
full responsibility for his wife and children. The conflict is also due to the fact that the
two women are competing for the attention of the husband or son respectively. This is
why the two women are most of the time at logger-heads with each other. This tension is
more often than not brought about by the fact that the mother does not let go of her son.
She fails to accept, recognize and understand that now her son is a married man, he has to
divert his attention, love and finances to his wife and children. She still expects her son to
continue to support her the way he did before he got married. She also wants to continue
to give him orders and run his life. She therefore sees the arrival of a daughter-in-law as a
threat to the relationship between mother and son. In such cases the mother-in-law fails to
welcome her daughter-in-law and constantly harasses her for one thing or the other.
From the above it is evident that the mother-in-law has specific duties to perform
within a family. She is responsible for guiding her daughter(s)-in-law who should always

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consult and report problems to her. The mother-in-law wields some power and most
daughters-in-law view the powers negatively. These powers are viewed as synonymous
to oppression of women by women. Women are criticized for oppressing other women
and further blamed custom for assigning women such roles. A study done by WLSA
found that women in a family do not always ill treat their sister/daughter-in-law out of
their own initiatives but because they are playing a role assigned to them by custom and
family (WLSA 1997:48). In addition, my informants argued that women in families be
they mother-in-law, sister-in-law, aunts etc. work against the general good of the family.
They accused female-in-laws of going between togetherness and spoiling relations
between couples. This sentiment was expressed by Kgosi Komane and Mr. Ongadile, the
DC for Kgatleng district when they solemnized some marriages I observed. The two
urged members of the husbands family especially the mother-in-law to treat the newly
wed bride with respect, dignity and civilly for the smooth running of the family and for
the success of the marriage. They urged the mothers-in-law not to interfere in their sons
lives. Mr. Komane and Mr. Ongadile told me that most of the grievances they have had to
resolve were primarily between the mans mother and mans wife.
According to Setswana culture, when a man and woman get married they switch
parents, the mans parents become the womans parents and vice versa. This is explained
in the counseling session. I was told that;
Ngwetsi pele e ya kwaabo monna o tshwanetse go laiwa kwaabo, o laiwa
ke baabo. O laiwa gotwe mma kana o a tsamaya, o ya kwa matsalaago.
Monna o ke wena o mo ipatletseng yaanong o itse gore go o tsena kwa
matsalaago o fitlhela digole, difofu, o di tlhokomele. Kajeno yaana ga re
tlhole re le bommago, bommago ke bale (go supiwa baabo
mosimane)Mosimane le ene ge a laiwa o tewa gotwe kajeno bommaago
mosetsana ke bona bommago, rona ga re tlhole re le bommago. O ba
tlhokomele. Mosadi o na o mo tlhokomele.

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Before the bride is taken to her husbands home she has to be counseled,
she has to be counseled by her people. They tell her that now she is
leaving, she is going to her in-laws home. You chose this man for
yourself so when you arrive at your in-laws and find handicapped and
blind people, you must take care of them. Effective today we are no longer
your parents, your parents are those people (pointing to her husbands
people)When the husband is counseled he is also told that effective
today the womans parents are now his parents, we are no longer your
parents. He is told to take care of them and his wife.

The above also means that when problems arise they should report the matter to
their new parents. Furthermore, if the parents need something, for example, financial
assistance, they should talk to their new child and not their own. The husbands parents
should report or discuss whatever issues they have with their daughter-in-law who would
then pass on the message to her husband. By the same token, the wifes parents should
report and discuss issues with their son-in-law and he would then tell his wife. But, do
people adhere to this rule? I was told that some do and some do not. Some mothers-inlaw ask for assistance of whatever nature from their sons and discuss issues with their
sons in the absence of the daughter-in-law; this obviously creates tension between the
two women. It creates tensions between the two women because by so doing it means the
mother-in-law does not recognize the presence and position of her daughter-in-law in that
family. The wife may also be angered by the fact that her husband wants them to use their
family resources on people who do not appreciate nor respect her. It is culturally wrong
for the mother-in-law to talk to her son alone in the absence of his wife. If a mother does
something like this, it is expected that her other children especially her daughters should
point this wrong to her but in most cases they take sides with their mother. They team up
to make the daughter-in-laws life miserable. Therefore, the tension between the

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daughter-in-law is extended to other members of the family. This will obviously make the
daughter-in-law feel neglected, disrespected and without a network of support within that
family. Those who do not adhere to this rule cite the above mentioned problems as their
reasons for not doing so.
Furthermore, conflicts may occur between the daughter-in-law and other members
of her husbands family. For example, conflict may crop up between daughter-in-law and
sisters-in-law and daughter-in-law and other members of the family such as aunts and
uncles. As already mentioned, a wife in the Setswana culture not only belongs to her
husband but to his family too. Therefore, she is expected to perform both her wifely and
daughter-in-law obligations well. Unfortunately, there are women who get married and
decide to dissociate themselves from their husbands family. Such people believe that the
man (husband) is theirs and theirs alone, and they do not engage in anything that has to
do with their husbands people. Obviously, this kind of attitude creates resentment and
conflict between the daughter-in-law and her in-laws, whether of the immediate or
extended family. So when problems arise she has nowhere to go because she has no
access to her husbands family neither does she have support network from that family.
My informants argued that it is important to establish a family support network because
in times of trouble one has something to fall back to. Failing to bond with your in-laws
can create marital problems.
There are many ways that one can create this bond. One of my informants,
Tumelo Monau said;
one easy way of bonding with the in-laws is to invite them to your house
like on Christmas or New Year. You cook and they eat and enjoy
themselves after that they go back to their homes. In that way they feel
and believe that you love them. So when problems arise you will find it

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easy to approach them. They in turn will try to resolve the problem
amicably and to the best of their ability. You do not even need to involve
your own parents. They see you as their child because you treat them as
your family too.
In the Setswana cultural setting, a daughter-in-law is expected to take care of her
parents-in-law. This means that she must buy them food, clothes, cook, clean and take
care of them. So basically, most parents-in-law expect money or food from their children
every month end. A problem arises for example when the wife tells her husband that this
month their budget is tight so they cannot fulfill this expectation. Despite the fact that he
knows how truthful the statement is the husband becomes very angry. He thinks that his
wife does not want to take care of his parents while she is really saying that they should
take care of themselves and their children first before they take of other people. This will
not only creates a conflict between husband and wife only, but also between daughter-inlaw and her in-laws. The same problem was cited that wives become very angry when
their husbands say that there is no money to help her parents. Generally, most people
believe that the problem can be resolved by the couple discussing the matter thoroughly
and not taking sides. If they can offer help, it is okay but if they cannot it should also be
taken positively that they will do so whenever they can.
Closely related to the above is the problem that people tend to be individualistic
these days; the close knit family structure is fading with time. In the past when the
extended family was the most prominent, a person was accountable to many more people
than now, so if one considered divorcing he/she had to account to all those people. Much
as marriage brings two people together, it also brings families together. The marriage
creates a strong bond between the two families such that when one considers a divorce
they think of all the people who are going to be affected by the decision and probably

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even how they are going to function once the marriage is over. The individualistic nature
also causes people not to follow the channels for lodging a complaint when a dispute
arises. The channels are always explained during the counseling session.
Due to the patrilineal and patriarchal system in Botswana, power and property
belong primarily to men. This creates a major conflict in the family and kinship system
because basically, men depend on women for social perpetuation but social transmission
of property and position is largely from man to man. Due to this system of inheritance,
many women become victims when their husbands die. There are numerous cases that the
courts adjudicate on issues of property. Usually upon the death of a husband, his people
come in to claim his property, thus leaving the widow with nothing or with her having to
fight for her property in the courts.
In the past the man used to leave the home to go and work for his family. These
days both men and women work; therefore, they share whatever property they have
accumulated. But, in most cases when the husband dies, his parents claim the property as
his. They deliberately and conveniently forget that the wife is also working and has thus
contributed towards the acquisition of the property. This attitude has led to many court
cases where widows contest for the right to keep the property. I interviewed a woman
who was at this time busy fighting to get her property back after her husbands death. She
told me that;
Due to marital problems which involved physical and mental abuse I was
forced to return to my home. One day my husband came to tell me that he
wanted a divorce. Unfortunately, my husband died while the paper work
for the divorce was being processed. His parents came to inform me of the
death and also to tell me that his children from the first marriage want to
bury him at their home. I refused because he was my husband and their
mother was divorced. I told them that I do not have a problem with them
burying their father so long as they do so at our home, not their mothers.

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They were adamant and in the end I told them to take the corpse but not
his belongings. My husband was buried in my absence because I could not
go to his first wifes home. After the funeral, it is customary that the
clothes of the deceased are washed, so I insisted that that should be done
at our home. While they were doing this they took his passport, bank book
and his national identity card. I told them that after the washing of the
clothes we are all going our separate ways therefore they need to give me
my husbands belongings. They all claimed they didnt know where they
were until his younger brother said they were taken to his first wife. I
demanded them back but they refused. I reported the matter to the kgotla
and they were told to return everything but up now they have not. I am
still fighting for my belongings. They took away the things I worked for
with my own hands. The person behind all this is my sister-in-law, she
instigated all these problems but I will not give up.

The above couple was married at the District Commissioners. The chief told me
that because the husband died before the divorce was finalized all the property belonged
to the wife. Unfortunately, people have always fought over property when a husband
dies. The womans family never fights with their son-in-law should their daughter die
first but the reverse is common if the man dies first. The older members of the society
strongly believe that most divorce cases are a result of the question the district
commissioner asks, that is, does the couple wish to marry in or out of community of
property. They view that as divisive from the onset. They believe the couple should share
what they have, but mainly they should start a new life together. Motsei Rapelana
believes that this attitude is brought by the fact that District Commissioners and any other
persons responsible for explaining how the two regimes work are not doing a good job.
The people are misinformed about these two options. She argued that people generally
think that when you opt to marry out of community it means you do not intend to stay in
that marriage. It also means that each one is going to buy his or her own things and
probably even boast about that, for example this is my teaspoon, my car, my this and that.

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She said the relevant authorties should explain to the couple what the advantages and
disadvantages of each regime are so that they can make an informed decision. She further
said that at Emang Basadi which literally means, Stand Up Women, a womans
organization in Botswana fighting for equal rights between men and women, they advise
their clientele looking at the economic life of the individual. She said;
it will be pointless to advise a woman who is not working to marry out of
community of property, she stays at home and takes care of the family and
the property while the man brings an income into the household. They
advice unemployed women to marry in community of property, so that in
case of a divorce she will gain something from the marriage because
otherwise she would leave the marriage empty-handed. Another example
if a man has a lot of cattle and is maybe a businessman, when he gets
married the advice would be to marry out of and to give half of the cattle
to his wife so that when the business fails and the bank repossesses his
property the family would still be left with something because legally they
can only repossess what belongs to the husband.
Given the patrilocal nature of the Botswana society, after getting married, the
bride has to go and live with her husband and his people, precisely his parents, unmarried
brothers and sisters and their children if they have any. This usually creates problems
because she cannot assert her power as the wife. She has to follow the way things are
done in her new home. Much as her new family is expected to welcome her whole
heartedly, sometimes this does not happen immediately. The daughter-in-law is an
outsider, she has her own set ways of doing things and her in-laws also have their own
expectations, so when she comes and wants to impose her way of dealing with these
things it becomes very difficult to manage that situation.
The sisters-in-law, who stay at home, have children and are not married, can be
problematic in their dealings with the newly arrived sister-in-law. Kitso Phiri who has
been married for five years said that some sisters-in-law think and believe that their

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brother is obliged to support them and their children. If he does not, they start to
complain and level accusations against their sister-in-law. For example, they can accuse
her of ill treating and segregating their children. At times they may complain that their
sister-in-law does not take care of their brother properly, she does not cook for him, does
not do his laundry etc. But if they want peace instead of rumbling about all these, they
could nicely approach their sister-in-law and show her her wrongs. At some point these
complaints, accusations and expectations will become a burden on the daughter-in-law
and when she talks to her husband he will see it differently because they are his sisters,
nieces and nephews. He may think that his wife does not like members of his family, thus
creating conflict between the two.
One of the court cases I read from the records at the Bakgatla Tribal
Administration was about a wife who wanted a divorce because she had no peace of mind
in the marriage. Her husband had teamed up with his mother and his sisters against her.
Below is an excerpt of the recorded court proceedings.
The problem started when my mother-in-law went to the lands and did not
come back so I did not have anybody to look after the children. When I
told my husband his mother is ploughing I should find somebody to take
care of the children he went on to tell me that his mother cannot look after
my children because I never regarded her as my mother, I never cooked
for her, I never gave her sugar etc. This was not true; I bought food which
always got finished before the month ended. Another problem I have is
that when my sisters-in-law cook they do not dish out for my children but
when I cook, I dish out for everybody in the home. After some time my
father-in-law got very sick, he could not walk, his children took him to
hospital and nobody said anything to me, not even my husband. This
showed me that I was not welcome in this family. While my father-in-law
was in hospital I tried to go and visit him but my sister-in-law said it was
not necessary. Unfortunately, he passed away. When I went over to my
parents-in-laws home, my sister-in-law started scolding and insulting me
in front of everybody. She said I took long to come to my in-laws home.
She also said they do not like me, they hate me. I was very angry and
ashamed of myself so I reported the incident to my husband. He told me

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that he has no time for stupid conflicts thus showing me that he is taking
sides with his sister. I have tried all I can but it is evident that my husband
does not care about me; he listens and supports his mother and sisters. I
therefore ask that this marriage be dissolved.

The above is an example of a mother-in-law who controls and interferes in her

sons life. It also shows that sisters-in-law can contribute largely first to the discordance
in their brothers marriage which may ultimately lead to a divorce. Evidently, her motherin-law and sisters-in-law did not acknowledge her presence nor respect her. They did not
live to the expectations of the song heela mmatsale which tells them to give her space and
allow her to perform her daughter-in-law and wifely duties freely.
Polygamy has long been abolished in Botswana, however, there are similarities
between the problems faced by women in polygamous relationships and those in
monogamous relationships. The prominent theme in womens songs and poetry is the
conflict and jealousy between co-wives in a polygamous context. The issues related to
this social context are usually vented out in wedding songs and in poetry. Elizabeth
Gunner (1995) argues that among the Zulu, womens praises touch on issues such as
jealousy among co-wives, desertion or neglect in married life (Gunner 1995: 192-193).
She further says tensions and rivalries that arise among co-wives and between husbands
mother and his wives may find an outlet in praise poetry through allusive diction
(Gunner, 1979: 241).
On the other hand, the songs express the fact that married life is not easy and that
the bride should be prepared for conflicts that may arise between her and the other wives
(Johnston 1978, Mvula 1985). Johnston in his study of Tsonga songs says the body of
songs is interesting in that it functions to resolve interpersonal problems in a society

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where privacy is minimal. Happiness and contentment in Tsonga marriage is dependent

not only upon husband-wife harmony, but also upon relations with his parents and others
of his kin amongst whom they are living. Jealousy between co-wives may result in
accusations of laziness, witchcraft and use of magical love-potions (Johnston 1978: 34).
Furthermore, many wedding songs address the issue of the importance of children and
how the society ridicules barren women. Mvula says, without a child in the family the
relationship is cold between husband and wife (Mvula 1985: 168). On the other hand the
Lebu sing a farewell song to the bride which contains good wishes for the future for the
couple. But, more than anything else, it communicates a respect for the primary of birth
(Ndione 1996: 100).
Though polygamy has long been abolished, it has been replaced by extramarital relationships. Among the Bakgatla it is common to hear a man talking about a
small house. This actually refers to the concubine. Men normally support the second
home with the finances of the actual home. Mr. Ongadile, the District Commissioner
talked about this issue saying that it is one of the leading causes of marital problems. He
said if a man feels that there is a need to have a second wife, he should discuss the matter
with his wife first. But, there must be good reasons for such a decision, for example, if
the wife is unable to have children.
Further, wedding songs are handed down from generation to generation. They do
not change. Given that peoples perspectives change over time, do these songs really
make sense in contemporary Botswana? The strength of these songs lies in the fact that
they serve as a blueprint for our relationship to others. But, Setswana families are not
nuclear families; the husbands mother, his sisters, his brothers, and other in-laws are

211

listening to the songs, and they mean something to them. The person who is listening is
going to be affected by things that he knows define a marriage. These songs are not just
songs of entertainment; they have meaning and purpose and people take them seriously.
It is only a few that do not. A mother-in-law while listening to the songs expects that her
daughter-in-law is going to work for her and have an impact in the running of the
household. Despite the fact that couples no longer live with their in-laws, the latter still
complain for example that they have a daughter-in-law that they never see, or who never
does anything in their yard. The wedding songs pass on the message that the man is
superior and the woman is inferior. The woman should be subservient, must cook food,
not complain, and pass on the same message to her daughters. When the daughter is faced
with marital problems, the mother knows that she can handle them because girls have
been conditioned to prepare for failure.
A married couple is a microcosm of the society. They represent a symbolic unit
within the society. The wedding celebration ensures that what they want to be the
message for the generation to come takes place right here. The message is engrained, it is
passed on, it is taken to these two people who are getting married. But wedding songs do
not change irrespective of the fact that the society is undergoing change, why? The
probable reason is that the society is still patriarchal, and all the problems still exist as
before so the songs have not changed because they address the problems that still exist.
Eventhough gender relations are changing and people do live in the cities and women
work etc., the expectations are still there, and good solutions have not yet been found so
perhaps that is why the songs are still sung. The other reason is that songs reflect
everyday happenings and they are not meant to foster change. It is unlikely that the

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weddings songs will change because though we as a people are changing, the societal
values do not change. These values are what people identify themselves with as a
community or ethnic group. Should they change as the society changes then in the end it
will be difficult to identify ourselves. For example, there is no parent who wants her child
to divorce, but there are innumerable divorce cases in Botswana. The older generation
still encourages and upholds the institution of marriage, so they will try by all means to
avoid any instances and resolve any issues that may lead to a divorce. In addition, much
as there are so many divorces, each parent becomes very happy when their child tells
them that they are getting married. Members of the society already know all the inherent
marital problems; hence people sing these songs. They tell the couple, precisely the bride,
that they have chosen this road and that the road has thorns along its way but that does
not mean they cannot join those who are walking on that road, that is those who are
married. If songs are composed that counter the typical wedding songs, then the latter
would not be a mirror of the society beliefs and values.
Why is it that despite the fact that we are moving towards equality between men
and women we still have songs that are directed at the bride alone? This is probably due
to the patrilocal nature of the Setswana society where upon marriage the woman has to
leave her home to go and live with her husband and his people. Therefore, the songs
instruct her on how she should behave when she gets there. For example the songs fiela
fiela, heela mmatsale and mmamosime itumele all talk about the duties and
responsibilities the daughter-in-law has to perform. The songs imply that the daughter-inlaw is going to do all the household chores. Her husbands family has acquired a new
laborer. The mother-in-law and the sisters-in-law will no longer do the household chores

213

but leave them for her. Some people take the message of the songs literally while others
do help their daughters-in-law.
Most women told me that during the first few months of their arrival at their inlaws home they did all the work by themselves. Only after some time do the other
members of the family start helping them. They helped her after satisfying themselves
that she is worthy to be married in their family. If she proves to be lazy and complains a
lot that could create tensions and conflict between herself and her in-laws. The women
said it is unfair to be make another person work so hard by herself. However, many
people fall into this kind of mentality consciously or unconsciously. For example, a
mother-in-law was subjected to that misery by her own mother-in-law, so now that she
has a daughter-in-law it is her turn to use her power and seniority and make her daughterin-law go have a similar experience.
Setswana wedding songs are didactic in nature; they echo societal beliefs, and
norms. As already stated, most of the songs are addressed to the bride and very few to the
groom, they tell her what to expect in marriage and how she should behave in her new
home. Furthermore, the songs do not talk about conflict directly, rather they insinuate it.
They indicate that there is inherent conflict in familial relationships and that for peace to
prevail, the couple and especially the wife, should follow societal and cultural dictates.
The songs do not offer any solution to this problem though. Instead the study found out
that there are channels that married couples can follow when a conflict arises in their
family, such as mediation and deliberation by members of the family and reporting the
matter at the kgotla.

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One of the reasons for the high divorce rate in Botswana is that people marry at a
young age and without knowing each other well. In the past there was a clear-cut
procedure for marriage, people married from families they knew well, that is, in terms of
conduct, behavior and mannerisms, but nowadays this is no longer the case. In addition,
people do not live with their parents anymore; therefore they lack parental advice in
regards to choice of partner and marriage in general. Furthermore, interethnic marriages
create problems because of people being raised in different cultural contexts. Religious
leaders and parents are good in resolving conflicts or at least helping the couple to deal
with their problem better. But, people rush to lawyers whose job is to advise on what
legal action one can take; they do not reconcile couples. Couples do not give themselves
time to exhaust all the necessary and available channels before they divorce.
Divorce rates are increasing in Botswana, and marriage is now less stable than it
used to be. Maundeni reports that it is widely believed that women have to persevere and
try their best to keep their marriages together, so that when marriages fail, women, rather
than men, are likely to be blamed (Maundeni 2001: 28). She further argues that the belief
that marriage is a womans logical if not necessary end has resulted in many women
remaining within relationships where there is violence and other forms of abuse. They
suffer silently as they live up to the expectations of society and pretend that all is well
within their relationships. Families have become places of conflict and contestation for
some women.
It is evident that most of the problems arise when the newly married couple lives
with the husbands family in their home. Many people said that to avoid such problems it
is best for the husband to get his own plot and build his house where he can live with his

215

wife alone. They argued that this creates some distance between you and them and it
becomes difficult for them to force you to provide for them. Although they will still find
means and ways of expressing their expectations, it is different from when the couple
lives with the husbands family in the same compound. However, my informants also
stressed that the above does not mean that one should neglect his or her in-laws. They
should check them on a regular basis and provide for their needs.
When individuals decide or make choices of what they want to do and not to do in
relation to cultural prescriptions or with their lives they are actually constructing a new
culture. This agency is becoming more and more visible in the lifestyles of the younger
generation in Botswana. Most of them do not follow or live according to the expectations
of the society such as living in the same compound with the in-laws, following the
traditional channels of resolving conflicts when they arise, laboring in the household etc.
Women are no longer housewives; most of them work and therefore are economically
independent; they have small families of one or two children. They also have maids who
do the household chores.
Despite the escalating rate of divorce in Botswana, the society still does not
condone divorce. Amongst the numerous wedding songs, there is only one that talks
about divorce. Below is the song;
Ha go le boima Matshediso
Boela gae
Ha gole boima Matshediso
Boela gae
Selo se lenyalo le thata
Selo se lenyalo le thata
When it is tough Matshediso
Go back home
When it is tough Matshediso

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Go back home
This thing called marriage is difficult
This thing called marriage is difficult
The above song is a song of advice. It tells the bride what to do if she experiences
marital problems. The song is short and repetitive like most other Setswana wedding
songs. The words of the song are also precise and direct. The difficulty of marriage is
expressed by the two words boima (tough or difficult) and thata (hard or difficult). The
song tells the bride to boela gae (go back home) in times of difficulty. It also
acknowledges the fact marriage is difficult hence selo se lenyalo le thata (this thing
called marriage is difficult). But, like the other songs it does not say what it is that makes
marriage difficult. Matshediso is the name of the bride. Using a girls name indicates that
it is usually women who are faced with marital problems. Since they move to their
husbands homes upon marriage, consequently they are the ones to leave when problems
arise.
I asked my informants if they do not think that this song encourages divorce.
They all said no, it does not. They argued the song is basically informing her of what she
should do in case unbearable marital problems arise. They said that divorce is an
embarrassment to the family so they cannot encourage it. And, they always hope and
wish that no marriage reaches that level.
Bakgatla like other ethnic groups in Botswana have channels that one needs to
follow if marital problems arise. It is only after all the channels have been exhausted that
one can opt for a divorce. These channels are always explained during the counseling
sessions. The following is a brief explaination of that cultural procedure. As already
mentioned, upon marriage, the couple switches parents. The womans parents become

217

the mans parents and mans parents become the womans parents. This therefore means
when problems arise they should not report to their biological parents but rather to the
new parents. This is good because it avoids polarization of marriage where for example
if it were such that I have a problem and I have to go and report to my paternal parents,
whatever judgment they take or pronounce might be seen as a biased one.
First and foremost the couple is expected to try and resolve the problem between
themselves within the confines of their home before they can involve other people. If the
problem persists and talking to the culprit does not help, then the complainant has to
report the matter to his or her in-laws. Normally, when there is a problem the husband
and wife must be present at the hearing so that when the complainant lodges his/her case
the accused is there to respond to the accusations. The parents would then make a
judgment and try and reconcile the party.
If the parents cannot solve the problem they will call babatli, that is, the uncles
and aunts who were involved in the negotiations for the marriage. Should they fail to
resolve the dispute then the womans parents are notified and a meeting between the two
families is convened to try and resolve the problem. If they also fail, then the case is
taken to the kgosana (headman) of the ward. If he also fails then the matter is referred to
the main kgotla to be heard by the chief.
The question is: does everybody in the Kgatleng district follow this procedure?
Why or why not? My informants were adamant that everybody has to follow this
procedure and if one does not it is a sign of disrespect for the culture and the elders. They
argued that if for example, a wife reports her grievances to her parents without informing
her in-laws, her parents are supposed to send her back, to tell her to go and report to her

218

parents. They are not supposed to take any action based on what she has told them. They
also told me that in case of physical abuse, the wife should not run to her parents home
but to her in-laws that is if they live in separate households. She can also run to the home
of one of her babatli. If she runs home and she is in bad shape, her parents have to
immediately inform her in-laws of her presence in their home. They usually send her
malome to inform her in-laws, that batlelang ka kwano, literally, search this side. That
tells the in-laws that their daughter-in-law is at her parents home. They have to
immediately go and find out why she is there and hopefully bring her back home with
them.
Interestingly, most of the women said that this rule is very difficult to abide by
because it is painful as a mother to see ones daughter crying, bruised and in bad shape
and then be expected to send her back. In addition, young married women said they run
to their homes because it is only their parents who can feel and understand the pain and
misery that they are going through in their marriage. In some cases when they report to
their mother-in-law as required by custom, she does not take any action; she takes sides
with her son because the daughter-in-laws arrival took away the attention, love and
assistance that she has been getting from her son. However, the people engaged in trying
to resolve the dispute are supposed to be impartial in their judgment. They are supposed
to point out the mistakes and advice accordingly how to deal with the problem. The
common advice is telling the couple to persevere, exercise restraint and make peace.
I was told that some people totally disregard this procedure and just go straight to
the lawyers. Once the case reaches the lawyers it is evident that the person wants a
divorce. Lawyers in most cases give legal advice, they do not reconcile couples. Such

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people also do not inform the parents and babatli of their problems and their decision to
nullify the marriage. This is what Godfrey Molefe said about this issue;
Some people do not even inform the aunts and uncles who were involved
in the wedding arrangements when a problem arises, they just pack their
things and go. The uncles and aunts will know after the effect that their
daughter-in-law has moved out or that they are divorced. This is disrespect
for the elders and of our culture.

It is common these days for people to feel uncomfortable in mingling with other
peoples businesses, so most people consult lawyers to get a divorce instead of involving
family members. This is a change that is taking away the responsibility from the parents;
it is a change that is not welcome by most elderly people.
The general impression among people is that with the growth of towns, cultural
contact and education, divorce is on the increase. The main source of instability of
marriages today seems to emanate from the weakening of social controls on married
couples. In the past strong family pressures operated on both sides to resist a breakdown
of marriage. It was the responsibility of the relatives to see that a couple observes its
marital obligations. Any dispute is settled in the confines of the home by members of the
family whose main concern and interest was to keep the marriage intact. The Setswana
society like many others is undergoing change and effects of globalization is felt and
realized more in its social systems/institutions.

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CONCLUSION
This dissertation has been an investigation of the themes portrayed in Setswana
wedding songs, precisely those of the Bakgatla-ba-ga-Kgafela paying particular attention
to issues of gender. Such an investigation helps to illuminate the relationship between the
wedding songs and the societal gendered expectations, roles and norms in Botswana. The
investigation is done through an examination of the marriage process, the wedding
celebration, and the performance of the songs. The dissertation also focused on familial
conflicts, precisely, the types and causes of these conflicts, how the conflicts are
resolved, and how they relate to the wedding songs.
Unlike in the West, marriage in Africa, Botswana in particular is not a union
between a man and a woman only. Rather, it is a union between two families. Before a
marriage can be finalized, negotiations are held between the two families. The process is
a long and elaborate one consisting of various rituals that have to be performed. The main
rituals are patlo and bogadi.
The study has shown that the performance of the rituals leading to marriage is in
essence a performance of gender. The societal gendered roles of individual members of
the families come out clearly from the beginning of the marriage process through to the
wedding day and in life in general. This is exemplified by the roles played by the
maternal and paternal uncles and aunts during the negotiations for marriage and on the
wedding day itself. The roles the above mentioned people play show the importance of
kinship in the Setswana society. Kinship is important in the establishment of emotional
ties. It also provides a network of mutual support among those who perceive themselves

221

as family members. Kin members also help each other during celebrations such as
weddings and funerals.
On the other hand there are societal expectations on the bride and groom who
upon marriage acquire the new status of wife and husband, daughter-in-law and son-inlaw and later father and mother respectively. They are expected to perform specific
gendered roles in accordance with the new social status they have acquired. Gwendoline
Mikell (1997) argues that in any particular African society, male and female roles are
particular to the original social patterns, worldview, and ideology of that society, but they
are reconfigured around the edges as the polity encounters new challenges (Mikell 1997:
5).
The study has also illustrated that in Botswana there is no discrimination along
gender lines in terms of the performance of the wedding songs. The songs are sung by
anyone present at the wedding celebration. The songs are traditional and communal;
everybody in the society knows them thus making it easy for anybody to participate.
Further since a wedding is an open social event the study has shown that there are
varying degrees of performance taking place during a wedding celebration. Those who
are not married are singing for entertainment and projecting into the future when they
will be married. Those who are married are singing their experiences. They most likely
have experienced or witnessed some of what the songs are talking about. The wedding
songs therefore can mean different things to different people depending on their age,
marital status, social and economic status, educational level, to mention a few.

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The study set out to investigate the themes portrayed in the wedding songs of the
Bakgatla. The study found out that most if not all the wedding songs are directed at the
bride. Much as these songs are a form of entertainment on the wedding day, they are also
commentaries about the marriage and marriage life in general. They are meant to prepare
the bride for her new role as a wife and a daughter-in-law. In addition, the study has
shown that the songs are didactic in nature. The songs are used as a means to inculcate
what is presumed to be acceptable and appropriate gendered behavior. They also express
what is socially and culturally acceptable of the married couple. The messages in the
wedding songs reflect the patriarchal, patrilineal and patrilocal nature of the Botswana
society. Therefore, a study of wedding songs helps to shed light on the social significance
of marriage and marriage rites within the Setswana society.
Furthermore, the dissertation also set out to find if there is a discrepancy between
the idealized messages in the songs and the reality of the lives of the people in
contemporary Botswana. An analysis of the song texts and the interviews I conducted
among Bakgatla men and women of various ages and social statuses has allowed me to
establish similarities and differences between artistic representations and the real life
experiences of peoples lives. Based on the above I have concluded that that there are
divergent views and opinions about the importance and relevance of wedding songs
among the Bakgatla. This study has shown that some people live to the expectations of
the songs while others do not. My observation was that the older generation seems take
the messages more seriously than the younger generation. But, generally, people do take
heed of the messages of the songs. For example, the daughter-in-law feels obliged to
assist her in-laws financially and to perform all the household chores. The culture of

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patriarchy prevalent among the Bakgatla and the Botswana society at large determines
the gender roles in the family and the society at large. An examination of these roles has
shown that there is gender inequality and unequal distribution of power in the Botswana
society.
This dissertation has also shown that the family, which is the smallest and
fundamental unit in social organization, is riddled with problems. Through a discussion
of some of the causes of marital problems the study has shown that human and social
relationships are complex, dynamic and unpredictable. The relationship between motherin-law and daughter-in-law is clearly expressed in the wedding songs. Wedding songs in
Africa and in particular in Botswana are an important source of understanding of social
and interpersonal relations.
As indicated in chapter 3 of this dissertation, marriage in Botswana and in Africa
generally is not a union between a man and a woman only but rather it is a contract
between two families. Given that Botswana is a patriarchal society when a woman gets
married she not only acquires a husband but in-laws as well. Since she has to move to her
husbands home, she is forced to interact with her in-laws on a daily basis, precisely her
mother-in-law and at times her sisters-in-law. This interaction more often than not leads
to conflicts between the women.
The study has shown that there is very little if at all there any conflict ever arises
between daughter-in-law and her father-in-law. The main reasons for these conflicts are
residing in the same compound, regarding the daughter-in-law as an outsider, sharing of
economic resources, and competition for love and attention of the husband. These
conflicts are alluded to in the weddings songs. The discussion of the wedding songs has

224

shown that the older people believe that the younger generation are proud, disrespectful,
and impatient and lack perseverance. They attributed these reasons to the high divorce
rate in Botswana.
Individuals have developed strategies for dealing with some of these conflicts. For
example, most couples build their own homes away from the husbands family to avoid
conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law due to compound sharing. From the
study it can also be concluded that external factors such as age, social status, education
and economic independence influence the type of decisions men and women take when
confronted with marital problems. The older generation seems to respect and abide by
societal and cultural norms more than the younger generation. The former usually take
into consideration the impact their decisions may have on other family members whereas
the latter tend to be individualistic in their thinking.
Botswana like many other developing countries is undergoing rapid changes in
social and cultural forms due to the effects of globalization. The wedding celebration and
the institution of marriage are affected by the socio-cultural, economic and political
changes that are taking place in the country. Some of the changes taking place are; having
the celebrations at town halls instead of at home; playing disco music, minimizing the
role played by members of the family in the preparations for the wedding and the
diminishing role of parents in times of conflict and conflict resolution. Despite the fact
that Bakgatla have a clear cut procedure that needs to be followed if a conflict arises,
many young people do not follow it. These days people approach lawyers if they
experience marital problems. They do not report the matter to babatli as prescribed by
society.

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The ritual of giving bogadi is also affected by forces of globalization. The

dissertation has shown that although bogadi still retains its significance, it has changed to
suit the new social and economic conditions. But as (Owomoyela 2000: 15) has observed
some changes are mere abuses of the practice. When Bakgatla marry among
themselves, two cattle are considered enough but when they marry from other ethnic
groups they are forced to abide by the high demands of those ethnic groups. Some ethnic
groups use the level of the girls education as a yardstick of how much bridewealth is to
be given. The mode of payment in Botswana these days is increasingly becoming money.
This change has undoubtedly introduced a commercial element to bogadi. This attitude
has led to men believing that they are buying women and consequently illtreating them.
Bogadi is a contentious topic in Botswana. Some people feel that it should be abolished
because it is being abused and others feel it is a reflection of the values of the society so it
must be continued. I concur with Owomoyela (2000) that what is needed is a vigorous
check upon the tendency towards excessive commercialization of the institution rather
than its abolition (p.15).
This study hopes to contribute to the existing but limited literature on African
wedding songs. Evidently, more research is needed in this area. It also contributes to an
understanding of verbal art and its position in contemporary Botswana society. The study
also contributes to the scholarly understanding of life in Botswana by answering the
question of whether there is a discrepancy between the idealized message in the wedding
songs and the reality of the lives of the people. In addition, by soliciting the views and
opinions of both men and women with regards to marriage issues and the song texts, this
dissertation has moved a step further from previous scholarship which tended to focus on

226

womens issues only. I believe that since marriage is a union between a man and a
woman it is therefore important to explore both their views and opinions.
Furthermore,

this

dissertation

is

valuable

contribution

to

folklore,

ethnomusicology, women, and gender and conflict studies. The general trend in
scholarship has always been to leave conflict studies to political science. But, this study
has shown that before we can understand why and how conflicts arise for example,
between ethnic groups and nations, we have to start with an examination of the causes
and types of conflicts within the family. Reason being that the family is a microcosm of
the society. The study has also highlighted the socio-economic and cultural changes in
Botswana and has shown how these affect individual lives, gendered perspectives and,
the institution of matrimony.

227

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CURRICULUM VITAE
ROSALEEN OABONA BRANKIE NHLEKISANA
EDUCATION
Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
PhD, Folklore, 2005
Minor: African Studies
University of Wisconsin-Madison, Wisconsin
M.A, African Languages and Literature, 1996
University of Botswana, Gaborone, Botswana
B.A, African Languages and Literature and English, 1992
PROFESSIONAL TEACHING EXPERIENCE
Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
External Examiner. Setswana Language, Yale University, April 2005.
Instructor. Introduction to Cultures of Africa, Fall 2004.
Instructor. Introduction to Folklore, Spring 2004.
Instructor. Childrens Folklore, Summer 2003.
Tutor. Setswana Language, 2000-2001.
University of Botswana, Gaborone, Botswana
Lecturer. Introduction to Oral Poetry of Southern Africa, 1996 -1998
Lecturer. The Setswana Novel, 1996-1998
Teaching Assistant. Introduction to Oral Literature, 1993-1995
AWARDS AND GRANTS
Gerald Davis Travel Grant to American Folklore Society, May 2003.
African Studies Association Womens Caucus Travel Grant to African Studies
Association, October 2003.
Compton Peace Foundation Research Fellowship, Indiana University, Bloomington,
Indiana November 2001.
Participant in the Indiana University African Studies Program Summer Institute on
African Indigenous Knowledge and Cultural Systems, July-August, 2001.
PUBLICATIONS
Body Images, Vital Force and Pause in Borankana Dance in Botswana. Voices, vol. 1
Natal: Durban, 1998.

PRESENTATIONS
The Dual Nature of Setswana Wedding Songs: Expressions of Peace and Conflict
Within Families. African Studies Program Noon Talk Series, Indiana University,
September, 2003.
Setswana Wedding Songs: Expressions of Societal Values, Beliefs and Norms.
Annual Meeting of the African Studies Association, Boston, Massachussetts, November,
2003.
The Performance of Setswana Wedding Songs.Annual Meeting of the American
Folklore Society, Annual Meeting, Albuquerque, New Mexico, October, 2003.
Teaching Setswana Language and Culture Through Setswana Traditional Songs.
Annual Meeting of the African Languages Teachers Association Conference, Indiana
University, Bloomington, April, 2003.
Body Images, Vital Force and Pause in Borankana Dance in Botswana. Oral Traditions
Conference, University of Natal, Durban, South Africa, July, 1997.
A Phenomenological Interpretation of Lentswe la Baratani Myth. (with Professor E
Kezilahabi). Department of African Languages and Literature Seminar, University of
Botswana, Gaborone, October 1997.
PROFESSIONAL MEMBERSHIP
African Studies Association
American Folklore Society
Society of Ethnomusicology
African Languages Teachers Association