Mayo Mental Health Association Blog

Dr. John Brennan is a Clinical Psychologist based in Co. Cork. The views expressed here are
his own.
When I was asked if I would contribute to this blog I thought Great. Id love to. Then I
wondered Okay. So what do I write about? I was browsing the internet one day and
stumbled across a page on proverbial phrases (conventional sayings). It struck me how many
of them reminded me of themes that arise regularly in the area of mental health and how I
have used them occasionally to convey particular ideas to people. So I decided to compile a
short list of these phrases with a view to helping me illustrate the points that I would like to
make.
Before I do though I cant emphasise enough the importance of minding our mental health.
In my mind the necessity to maintain our mental health is no different to that of looking after
our physical health. However the barriers to seeking support with respect to mental health
difficulties appear to be more difficult to overcome for many people in comparison to those
for physical health difficulties. It is for that reason that I hope that organisations like the Mayo
Mental Health Association can support people in overcoming the barriers that might be
preventing them from making changes to their lives that are meaningful for them.

A trouble shared is a trouble halved

I dont think there is a statistic to back up the half but there is merit in this phrase. The process
of talking to someone about what is going on for us can be powerful and de-stigmatising. We
can often make assumptions about others and hold beliefs (often myths) that prevent us from
talking to another person about difficulties that we might be experiencing. Thankfully people
have the power to surprise. I have heard accounts whereby the act of disclosing to someone
that a person was experiencing a mental health difficulty and the listener reacting positively
and in a supportive manner was hugely beneficial for that person. I think most people tend to
be cautious when it comes to choosing those in whom they confide. Therefore if there is
something that is bothering you to the point where it is affecting your daily life then look at
the options available to you to explore it further. It might be a family member, a friend, your
GP, a mental health professional, or a dedicated helpline.

A stitch in time saves nine

The idea here is to act now so as to try to prevent whatever is troubling you from progressing
further. The simplest example I came across in relation to this idea is as follows. I have used
it before to convey the effects of chronic stress (I got it from the Stress Control programme
by Jim White).
If I were to hand you a glass of water and ask you to hold it for 30 seconds youd probably
experience no difficulty doing so. I imagine the same would be the case if you were asked to
hold it for 2 or 3 minutes or even for half an hour. But if you were asked to hold that glass for

a week, a month, a year? I think that would be significantly more challenging. And that can
often be the case with something like stress and mental health difficulties.
Most people can manage short-term stressors with relatively little difficulty, depending on
the type of stressor. Short-term stressors like summer exams often seem much more
manageable than longer-term stressors like the Leaving Certificate. In essence they are the
same thing an exam. However the length of time for which the student might experience
stress can be very different and students will often feel much more drained after completing
the Leaving Certificate than their 5th year summer exams. Likewise if something is troubling
someone and continues to do so over a sustained period of time then it is not surprising that
it might get to the stage where it has a much greater impact on that persons daily life than it
had when the person first became aware of it. Try not to let a difficulty progress until it is
having a significant negative impact on your life and potentially becomes much more difficult
to address. My advice is to access the relevant supports as soon as you can so as to nip it in
the bud as best you can.

Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves
What I love about this idea is that it highlights that it is the little changes that we can make
in our daily lives that can contribute to improvements in our general wellbeing. It is common
for us to worry about all of our challenges we face simultaneously and to feel completely
overwhelmed by them. However the key can often lie in looking at ways to address them bit
by bit so that what initially feels too much starts to feel a little bit more manageable. The
concept of setting SMART goals is relevant to this process. These are goals that we set for
ourselves that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic/Relevant, and Time limited.
Setting SMART goals improves our chances of success and over time can contribute to a
greater sense of mastery and self-esteem. Doing so also provides us with fewer reasons to be
critical and judgemental of ourselves.
Imagine having a very long list of jobs to get through. It would be easy to see so many jobs
as way too much to manage when you think of trying to get them all done together. In fact, it
could seem so overwhelming that it evokes a lot of anxiety which might tempt us to avoid it
and not do anything on the list. Over time not only does the list get longer and longer as more
jobs are added but we might start to criticise ourselves and judge ourselves negatively,
meaning that we feel even worse than we had initially. However, if we had even chosen to do
a few of the jobs on the list in the first place then it would have become somewhat shorter,
and maybe even appear a little less overwhelming. This might have motivated us to do more,
and more, etc. Even if jobs were being added to the list as time went by, as long as we were
eliminating jobs as we went along then the list might always have seemed more manageable.
Wed also have less of a reason to engage in any self-criticism or to judge ourselves negatively.
Another way of looking at this point is to consider all of the areas of our lives that on their
own might seem insignificant, but put them together and they can make a meaningful
difference. Sleep, diet, exercise, family, and friendships. All important areas of our lives. They
can have a significant impact on our mental health and making changes to them can seem

daunting. Firstly let us take exercise. Many people make resolutions to engage in exercise
programmes and to significantly increase their levels of activity with a view to improving their
physical health. Many people also dont follow through on these resolutions for many
reasons, including the perception that they involve making huge changes immediately.
However the changes that might actually be required might include walking to the shop
instead of hopping into the car, taking the stairs instead of the lift, committing to a 10 minute
walk daily to get started.
Now let us consider diet. Making changes to our diets for the better might not require a
complete overhaul of what we stock in the kitchen cupboards. It might involve refraining from
unhealthy snacks between meals, committing to eating at least 1 piece of fruit per day or
reducing our intake of alcohol every week. Take a look at these areas of your life. Are you
engaging in any habits that might be causing more difficulty for you in the longer term?
Making changes in these areas might seem difficult, but start small and see how you go. For
example, try making just 1 change to each area of your life in which you feel that change is
needed and see if this approach starts to have a positive impact on your general well-being.

Rome was not built in a day

Think about yourself right now. What age are you? Now think back to when you first noticed
that you might have been experiencing difficulties (if this is applicable to you). Now consider
the possibility that you might have been experiencing these difficulties for a period of time
before you even became aware of them. And finally, think about the circumstances that might
have been occurring in your life over (probably) a long period of time to culminate in these
difficulties developing. When we think about the development of mental health difficulties as
a process from the above questions, we get a sense that even by the time we come to notice
them they might have already been in the mix for quite some time. Taking this into account
it makes sense that working on resolving difficulties that have taken so long to develop will
take effort and time.
This might initially sound very off-putting. You might even ask yourself Why bother even
trying if it means having to work hard over a long period of time with no guarantee of
success? This essentially comes back to how motivated you are to make the changes you
would like to make. This itself depends largely on the extent to which your life is being
adversely affected by the difficulties that you are experiencing. But the length of time that
people might need to spend working on making those changes in itself can also kill motivation.
To be fair, if a person is working hard over a long period of time and they feel they are not
making much progress then it is very difficult to remain motivated. From my experience
though it is the persons perception that they are not progressing as quickly as they believe
they should or had hoped that has a huge impact on motivation in this regard. Therefore if
you are considering engaging in some work to make meaningful changes in your life, or you
are already engaged in work to make meaningful changes in your life, try to be patient with
the process to the best of your ability. The only reassurance I can offer here is that what you
perceive to be slow progress might actually be very appropriate given the gravity of the

difficulties that you are experiencing in the first place. Also, slow progress does not mean
that the progress you have made has not been worthwhile.

You cannot get blood out of a stone

One of the most frustrating things about life is that we are only human. Our hopes and dreams
can be limitless but the reality of what we can achieve can be very different. And this can
often be disheartening when it comes to making meaningful changes in our lives. However,
acknowledging and accepting the limitations that exist in our lives can often be the key to
achieving the maximum possible change. Those limitations can be personal or practical or
both. But as long as we refuse to accept those limitations, which are only those things that
we cannot change, then we struggle on and more often than not end up inadvertently
maintaining a state of misery for ourselves. If we can accept that we are only human and can
only achieve so much for whatever reason then we put ourselves in a position of greater
clarity. I believe this can help us to make the best use of the resources available to us and
therefore allow us to make the maximum change possible.
Just to clarify though, when I use the word accept I dont mean that you have to be okay
with whatever it is that must be accepted. I mean acceptance as in acknowledging what has
happened and being able to see that for what it is and nothing else. We all have things that
happen to us in life that are plain crappy (to put it mildly). And theres no reason why we
should be okay with them. But if we cant accept them for what they are (depending on what
you are trying to accept his could be extremely difficult) then it makes it much harder to take
our lives back and make of them what we want. With respect to our limitations, if we dont
accept them then we might be trying to make changes that are unreasonable and could then
lead us to becoming even more frustrated when we dont achieve them. I believe that even if
accepting limitations requires us to aim lower than what we would have liked initially that
doing so sets us up for a better chance at happiness in the long-term. And remember Im
only talking about accepting that which you cannot change (such as the past). Change the
things that you can (like the future).

You cannot judge a book by its cover

Well you can. But maybe its not the best idea. Its very common for us to look at other
people when life is not going so well for us and believe that life is going great for them. From
talking to people I have learned that we can be great actors; often very skilful at hiding
whatever is troubling us from those around us. The reason I mention this is to highlight that
other people might be good actors too. Particularly when you consider the stigma that has,
and continues to, exist around mental health difficulties. If other people around us are
experiencing similar difficulties or difficulties of a different nature then they might not want
other people to know that either. Therefore you could have 10 very good actors in a room, all
of whom believe that they might be the only one experiencing difficulties at that time. And
from what I can tell that tends to be the case in society in general. So next time you look at

someone who appears to have the perfect (or close to it) life just ask yourself whether or not
it might be possible that they might have their own challenges. If nothing else it is a challenge
to a perception that might not be working in your favour at that time.
There is another possibility that I would like to present in relation to this point. Remember
how I mentioned that we can often be skilful at hiding what is troubling us from other people?
The ability to do this doesnt necessarily translate into not requiring support from other
people. One of the effects of hiding whatever it is that is troubling us from other people is
that we dont offer them the opportunity to provide us with support when we probably need
it the most.
So if you are feeling unsupported by those around you it might be worth considering as to
whether or not you might have hidden your difficulties too well and if so, why? Thats not to
imply that the reason(s) isnt valid. It might be that you have sought support from people
close to you in the past but it wasnt forthcoming, or what was offered wasnt what you were
looking for at the time, or any other number of valid reasons. However, it might also be that
you hold certain beliefs, that you are making assumptions or judgements, etc., that are not
as accurate as you believe and which in this instance might be working against you more so
than for you. So when it comes to seeking support, awareness of the barriers we face to
looking for it is as important as knowing where to look.

One final point

There is one point that I would like to make that I did not find a conventional saying for (but
maybe you might have more luck). Dont underestimate the power of compassion.
Particularly self-compassion. When things are going against us it can be easy to become
blaming or critical of others and ourselves; often based on our judgements. This generally
tends to result in us feeling worse than we need to, as well as having the potential to
negatively impact on our relationships which can lead to further ill-feeling toward ourselves
and others. Being compassionate isnt about dismissing anything that other people did to us,
or us to them, or us to ourselves, that we found hurtful or damaging in any way. It is about
trying to maintain the most balanced perspective that we can and not being harder on
ourselves or others than we need to be.
Let us take an example of me saying something hurtful to someone who means a lot to me
(or maybe something I have written for this piece sounding invalidating of your experience).
Is running myself into the ground with self-criticism and self-blame going to help that situation
or help me to feel any better about myself or them? Or would acknowledging what has
happened, committing to not repeating that error (or mistake as sometimes we just say things
before we realise weve said them) and working on the relationship by making a repair (such
as an apology) be more helpful to us and the relationship in the long run? In essence Im not
ignoring what I did but rather putting it into perspective (Was I trying to communicate
distress? Or hurt left over from something else? Or was it simply a slip of the tongue?) and
managing the situation the best way I can going forward.

In cases where we might be on the receiving end of someone elses difficulties, it might also
be worth trying to consider what happened from their perspective. This in itself is a step
toward compassion. Mindfulness of another and being compassionate in our view of them
can be very effective in reducing any negativity we feel toward them that might ultimately
work against our attempts at supporting our own general well-being.
I hope that you have found the above points beneficial. There are many criticisms that I
could make of the internet. But it can be invaluable in terms of providing people with access
to information that can make a real difference to their quality of life. Sites such as this run by
the Mayo Mental Health Association aim to provide people with the right information to
support their needs when they need it most. Please take advantage of this. I hope that
whatever you take from this site makes a meaningful difference to your life going forward.
Thank you for your time.

John