BAR/BAT MITZVAH

A SUPPLEMENT TO THE JEWISH STANDARD WINTER 2017

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Jewish Standard S-3

Bat mitzvah surprise................................................. 4

Two sisters trip to Israel deepens their Jewish connection

A note of thanks....................................................... 6
Bat mitzvah girl expresses gratitude to all

Celebrating the new membership............................ 8

The family that dresses together............................ 10
Local fashionistas outfit the generations for the occasion

The partys oy-ver................................................. 12

Surviving a case of post-bar mitzvah stress disorder

Front and center..................................................... 15

Table displays bring aesthetics and meaning to the event

Making a celebration a meaningful celebration..... 17

Of past and future bar mitzvahs............................. 18
The wheels of time and family keep turning

When the political becomes personal..................... 19

The red, white and blue colors convention theme bar mitzvah

C AT E R E R S

Rebecca, left, and Erika Nathanson

following Erikas bat mitzvah at the
Western Wall in Jerusalem.

Bat mitzvah
surprise

Two sisters trip to Israel

deepens their Jewish connection

Heidi Mae Bratt

t started off as a fun, and yes, free
trip to Israel, as is the case for so
many young Jewish travelers who
join the successful Birthright Israel
trips, the 10-day heritage tour for 18to 26-year-olds.
Erika and Rebecca Nathanson,
two sisters from Glen Rock, were
very excited about their first-time
visit to Israel, with an itinerary of criss-cross
touring through the countrys north and
south, with highlights including stops in
Haifa, Caesaria, Tzvat, Tiberias, Masada, the
Negev, Tel Aviv, and of course, Jerusalem.
I had many friends and colleagues who
had gone on Birthright, said Erika, 22, who
works in IT staffing. I was planning to go
with my friend, and we were just trying to
figure out a good time to do the trip.

It was at that point that Rebecca, 20, a

sophomore and graphics design student at
Philadelphia University, asked to join her sister and her friend, and make it a threesome
for the December trip.
Since the Birthright trips began in the winter of 1999, more than 500,000 young people
from 64 countries have participated in the
program. About 80 percent of participants
are from the United States and Canada.
From the very beginning of their trip,
Rebecca said, she was experiencing some
kind of kismet. At their point of departure
from Newark International Airport, Rebecca
made fast friends with a young Israeli woman
who was returning to Israel after spending
time at the Rhode Island School of Design.
This woman appeared to mirror her. The
woman was a designer, just as she was; had
food particularities, just as she had; and there
was just a connection between them that

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seemed very familiar.

Once she got to Israel, Rebecca said the
feeling of connectedness deepened. She
felt like she fit. Israel felt so familiar. The
streets. The culture. It felt like we were in
a different part of America, not in a different country.
And it was a lot of fun.
But the biggest ah ha moment was yet
to come.
The group of already bonded 40 young
people went to the Western Wall for Sabbath services on Friday night. It was a
night of incredible confluences. It was the
Sabbath. It was Christmas Eve. And it was
Chanukah.
The group of young women was led
to the womans section of the wall. They
were asked to keep their eyes closed until
they reached the wall. And then, for the
first time, they were face to face with the
Western Wall.
I was very nervous to go and pray at
the wall, said Rebecca. I was standing
one person away, and it felt so powerful.
Like a magnet, I was attracted to the Wall.
I felt God present. It was so evident He was
there. I felt so close.
That moment after she prayed, she said
she felt overwhelmed.
I stepped back and started talking to a
girl in the group, and I was sobbing. I didnt
know why. It was just so breathtaking. I
never witnessed such passion, and being
accepted as part of the family in Israel,
said Rebecca, who had been bat mitzvahed
when she was 13 years old in 2009.
That same night, something also was
coming to the surface for Erika.
She had been moved by the magic and
mystery of the mystical city of Tzvat, but in
Jerusalem at the Western Wall she came to
realize, I thought it was the most perfect
time to receive my bat mitzvah.
Erika was a bit older than Rebecca
when she started synagogue classes. It
felt strange to be 15 and not 13 and have a
bat mitzvah. She felt as if she missed that
bat mitzvah moment of her own peers.
So unlike Rebecca, she did not have bat
mitzvah.
But I had been thinking about it for a
long time, Erika said.
And with the encouragement of
Rebecca, and in the moment of deep feeling at the Western Wall in Israel, Erika,
along with another young woman and
two young men, accepted their bat and

Erika, left, and Rebecca Nathanson

enjoying their Birthright Trip in Israel.

From left, grandmother, the late

Isabelle Killian, and their other
grandmother, Annette Nathanson,
Rebecca, Erika, and parents Karen
and Robert Nathanson at Rebeccas
2009 bat mitzvah.

bar mitzvah that evening.

It was Christmas. And it was Chanukah,
and I was at the Western Wall. I couldnt
not get my bat mitzvah, Erika said.
She was asked to address the group and
share what becoming a bat mitzvah meant
to her.
I told them that people view Birthright as a free trip to Israel. And honestly,
I thought about it like that as well, said
Erika. But after I met so many Israelis,
and met the soldiers, and members of the
IDF, and felt the emotions and connection
to the land, and I saw why this land is so
special, I thought differently about being
here. It was incredible. I felt like I was with
family, and having the bat mitzvah was
one of the best decisions.
After her speech, Erika and the others
were celebrated with song, and candy
thrown their way, and of course, being
lifted in a chair.
The bat mitzvah at the Western Wall was
a surprise to her. This wasnt exactly what
she had planned.

Everyone on Birthright gets a heightened sense of who they are, said Rabbi
Zalman Chein, one of the rabbis at the
Chabad at Binghamton University who
joined the Birthright group. The Birthright trip helps them become aware of
who they are.
If someone did not celebrate their bar
or bat mitzvah in the past, or if they were
not aware of their ( Jewish) responsibility,
and if I feel there is an interest, we offer a
bar or bat mitzvah, the rabbi said.
I explain to the participants that every
Jewish girl at 12, and every Jewish boy at 13
automatically becomes a bat or bar mitzvah, a daughter or son of mitzvah, he
said. The celebration marks arrival at this
milestone.
Becoming a bat mitzvah is a significant
step in a persons path, said Rabbi Chein.
Each person has their own journey.
If it was a surprise for Erika, it was a bigger surprise for her parents, Karen and
Robert Nathanson.
But a happy surprise at that.

I am so excited for them, said their

mother, Karen, who was raised Catholic,
but gave her daughters a Jewish education
when they became interested in Judaism.
When you have a mixed marriage it is
difficult, said Ms. Nathanson, whose husband is Jewish. So if this is who they want
to be, I am so very happy for them.
For the future, Erika said her bat mitzvah is a milestone that she would like to
use as a way to mindfully take on mitzvahs and do good. I want to practice doing
good and giving to others.
And for Rebecca, she has plans to go to
Israel for design school. She also is planning to deepen her study of Judaism and
undergo an Orthodox conversion so I can
be accepted by all Jews.
She has also taken upon herself greater
observance for the Sabbath. She prepares
her food in advance. She doesnt watch
television. She turns her phone off and
tries to minimize her use of electricity.
Birthright has opened my eyes,
Rebecca said.

S-6 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2017

A note of thanks

Bat mitzvah girl expresses gratitude to all

Emuna Braverman

omething wonderful happened

to me. It wasnt something big.
It wasnt something dramatic. It
wasnt something expected. But it
was something lovely and wonderful a
small gesture that made a big difference.
I went to a bat mitzvah, a celebration for
my friends daughter. It was a beautiful and
moving occasion, as a bat mitzvah should
be. And perhaps it was even more emotional because the couple had struggled a

bat mitzvahs worth of years (as the father

put it) to give birth to this child. There was
extra joy in the air.
But there was something else also.
Something much more basic and much
more important. There was gratitude.
Now weve all heard many bar and bat
mitzvah speeches. Everyone thanks their
parents (right after the out-of-town relatives and a list of where they came from).
Some people (not nearly enough) thank
the Almighty. Sometimes its heartfelt.
Sometimes its pro forma. Sometimes its

somewhere in the middle. And sometimes

its hard to tell if they really mean it.
But this young girl did something special and unique that clearly emanated
straight from her heart. She wrote a thank
you note to each of the guests before she
received her gifts! Because the note wasnt
about the presents, it was an expression
of what this particular attendee meant to
her. And it wasnt brief, a mere line or two.
It wasnt generic. It was a few paragraphs
describing the role our family had played
in her life, reliving some shared experiences and memories and expressing gratitude for the very specific ways in which we
had enhanced her life.
It was unbelievable.
There were 115 guests (I know because I
set the tables!) so you can imagine the time
and effort involved. It was very impressive.
Much as we try to avoid it, most bar mitzvah boys and bat mitzvah girls get a little
(or a lot) caught up in themselves. With all
that focus and attention, its hard not to.
This is a great way to avoid the trap of selfcenteredness. Its the perfect way to teach
our children about showing appreciation.

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an understanding of the meaning of community, that it really does take a village.
The party was a lot of fun. The speeches
were simultaneously funny and moving
(we expected no less since the father is a
writer). But what impacted me the most
were those notes. When the rest of the evening fades, Ill remember those kind and
thoughtful missives. I was touched by what
the guest of honor wrote to me and really
taken with the idea.
I think its something we should all
incorporate into our childrens bar/bat
mitzvah celebrations. I wish Id thought
of it before my girls had their bat mitzvah
celebrations. It would have enhanced and
deepened everyones experience of the
day, and no one more so than the bat mitzvah girl herself.
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Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the
University of Toronto and a masters degree
in clinical psychology with an emphasis
on marriage and family therapy from
Pepperdine University. She lives in Los Angeles
with her family.

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I S T O R Y

S-8 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2017

Celebrating the new membership

Yanki Tauber

e Jews are a funny people. We

celebrate the weirdest things.
Everyones heard of end-of-theschool-year parties, graduation
parties, and retirement parties. But who
ever throws a get-to-work party?
Let me explain. Imagine that you have
this dream job thats the envy of all your
friends. Then, one day you receive a summons to the bosss office. The conversation
goes something like this:
Boss: Have a seat.
You: Thank you.
Boss: Youve been herewhat is it,
twelve years now?
You: Yeah, its almost that already. You
guys take such good care of me . . .
Boss: We pay you a comfortable living
wage, plus full health benefits, free daycare and spa privileges, 31 days annual
paid vacation . . .
You: Yes. Im truly thankful.
Boss: And what are your duties and
responsibilities?

You: Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Ive no

duties or responsibilities.
Boss: You dont even have to come to
work, if you dont want to.
You: Oh, but I do. Lots of times. Its fun.
I hang around the office, see how things
are done. Sometimes they even let me help
out. Youd be surprised at how much Ive
learned. And I participate in all the company banquets and outings. I wouldnt
miss those for anything . . .
Boss: Well, young lady, the partys over.
You: W-what do you mean?
Boss: The partys over. Here, take this
manual. It spells out your obligations
You: Uh, its sorta big and heavy. There
must be almost a thousand pages in this
book
Boss: Actually, what youre holding in
your hand is a very basic summary. The
rest is in the library downstairs . . .
You: Oh, I know the library. There are
tens of thousands of volumes there ...
Boss: Well, were doing important work
here. And, starting tonight at sundown,
youre going to be expected to be doing

your part. Youll begin by following instructions, but to do your job right, youll also
need to understand the whys and the hows
behind those instructions . . . Youve picked
up quite a bit in your time here, but we have
guys whove been here all their adult lives
and are still learning. Anyway, congratulations and good luck. Ill be watching your
progress over the next 108 years
You: . . . a hundred and eight years?
Boss: At least. Hopefully longer. Oh, by
the way, dont forget to pick up your new
ID tag at the front office on your way out.
After a conversation like that, would
you run home and throw a party to celebrate? My daughter did. This week, she
celebrated her bat mitzvah, the day that
she became twelve years old.
A bat mitzvah is not an oversized birthday party. Leahs had eleven of those
already. This is very different. What she
celebrated was the fact that on the eve
of her twelfth birthday she became bat
mitzvaha person who under Torah law is
commanded, obligated and responsible to
fulfill the mitzvot of the Torah.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

She celebrated the fact that the Boss

had called her into the office and told her
that the party was over. Until now, shed
received everything her heart desired
from Above, and was not required to give
anything in return. She was in learning
modehanging around the office, picking up knowledge, getting a feel for how
things are done. Now shes a full-fledged
employee, with a long list of duties and
responsibilities.
Shes delighted. She threw a sumptuous
party for her friends and family. We feasted,
sang and danced, and celebrated the event
as the happiest day of her life to date.
It may be that life as a free lunch has
its attractions. Very quickly, though, it
becomes tedious and meaningless, forcing the free luncher to work harder and
harder. But the fun leaks out faster than the
most vigorous pumper can pump, leaving
one deflated and defeated.
Thats why we Jews dont throw retirement parties. Instead, we celebrate the
day that were handed the big fat book
filled with duties and obligations, and the
ID tag that reads Fully Responsible Member. Because we know that there is nothing more gratifying than being given a life
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S-10 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2017

A stunning
number perfect
for a bar or bat
mitzvah from
Mishelynes
Fashions in
Teaneck.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

The family that dresses together

Local fashionistas outfit the generations for the occasion
Heidi Mae Bratt

hopping for the bar or bat mitzvah is often a family affair. There
are many fashion emporiums that
cater to the customer, young and
old, or older. Or, put another way the
young, and still young-at-heart.
Often, a family will choose to shop in
a boutique that has a history in the community, or in their own family, or where
they can get the kind of attention that they
want in order to make sure that what they
are wearing to their bar and bat mitzvah
is special. The customers range from bar
mitzvah boy, father and grandfather, or
bat mitzvah girl, mother and grandmother.
Staff at the fashion boutiques who help
dress the generations for their simchas
enjoy the experience, and even feel after

they have helped the family members

look their best for the event that they
have a small part of the simcha.
At Emporio, a mens clothing store in
Teaneck, it is not unusual for father and
son to come in to buy their suits together,
as the store has an extensive selection
of fine clothing for both men and boys.
There have also been times that the
grandfather comes in to buy, as well.
When families come in to shop for their
suits, Aryeh Elbaum, visual designer,
merchandiser and salesperson at Emporio, said, we tend to make it a most comfortable family experience.
In addition to its wide array of fashionable formal mens clothing, the store carries boys sizes from 8 to 20.
We have a one-stop shop here for
everybody, Mr. Elbaum said. We also

make sure that the bar mitzvah boy gets

the full treatment. He is going to be on
display, so we help make him feel like a
million bucks. Everyone is happy when
they leave the store.
At Vero Uomo in Englewood owner
Mario Roselli said he often has grandfathers, fathers and boys coming together
to buy their bar mitzvah togs. Right now,
in fact, he said, he is outfitting a particular family in custom-made black tie suits
and in matching dress suits.
I have swatches that I give to the
family to pick out. Whatever the family
wants, he said. He can even pick up colors of the color scheme in a yarmulke or
other accessories.
The store also sells plenty of off the
rack brand names.
At Monte Carlo in Westwood, owner

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Jewish Standard S-11

Diana Yomtobian said she recently outfitted an Israeli family that was bound for
Jerusalem to have the bar mitzvah at the
Western Wall. She dressed the bar mitzvah
boy in a solid, dark blue suit with two different shirts for Friday and Saturday; the
father was set up in a three-piece French
blue suit and the bar mitzvah boys 15-yearold brother was dressed in a navy blue suit
with a subtle red-pinstripe design.
It really was nice, said Ms. Yomtobian. They sort of color coordinated. Ive
known this family for two or three years,
having suited them up for the older sons
bar mitzvah. When I dress (customers
for a simcha), its like Im dressing my own
family. I put a lot of heart into it. And I
think that they sense that.
At Mishelynes Fashions in Teaneck,
owner Sara said that while the store does
not primarily cater to the bat mitzvah girl,
there are young women who fit into the
womens sizes there and who come to
shop at the store with their mothers. One
of the pluses of shopping at Mishelynes
Fashions is that special occasion dresses
can easily be customized to suit the taste
and modesty-factor of some customers.
Sara recalled selling dresses to four generations of women: a great-grandmother, who

Left, the racks are full of clothing for boys, fathers and grandfathers at Emporio in Teaneck. Right, suits galore at Vero
Uomo in Englewood.

was 90, and had been a customer of Mishelynes Fashions for 40 years (the store was
founded by Saras mother a half century
ago); the grandmother, mother and batmitzvah girl. Great-grandmother was outfitted in a beautiful, navy lace chiffon gown;
grandmother wore a silk taffeta charcoal
grey gown; mother bought a lace charcoal
gray gown; and the bat mitzvah girl wore an
ankle-length lace and silk taffeta navy dress.
The shopping experience was a bonding

between the women. Great grandmother

and grandmother, and of course, mother,
had a say over what the bat mitzvah girl
would wear, and the bat mitzvah girl got to
experience a memorable moment having
these women in her family help her dress
up for the milestone occasion.
It was so very close between them and
it was so warm, recalls Sara. There obviously was so much love. And that the great
grandmother was able to have input into

what she was wearing. She was kvelling

that she was there.
Another plus: they were all so nicely
coordinated.
Not only that, but everyone involved
had a lovely experience.
It was such a nice experience for everyone, Sara said. Im a very family-oriented
person. I get a lot of pleasure out of that.
Its very gratifying. They are letting me be
part of the simcha.

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S-12 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2017

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

The partys oy-ver

Surviving a case of
post-bar mitzvah
stress disorder
Judy Gruen

ur youngest son had just celebrated

his bar mitzvah, and I was recovering from a case of Post-Bar Mitzvah
Stress Disorder. This is a seriously
underreported malady, yet shockingly, the
government has yet to allocate a single dollar to research.
Post-Bar Mitzvah Stress Disorder (PBMSD)
usually follows a case of Pre-Bar Mitzvah
Stress Disorder, characterized by speeddialing your caterer several times daily until
you actually hear him chewing antacids
while you speak; zipping around frantically
on errands, leaving you only enough time
to eat large brownies in the car (perversely,

this still causes weight gain); and bursting

into tears with no warning because your little boy is now a newly minted teen who has
the audacity to catapult into puberty before
your very eyes.
My symptoms became acute as the weeks
counted down to The Big Day. The following
diary entries explain why:
Five weeks before the bar mitzvah: The
invitations arrive, but the envelopes wont
seal shut. Wrestling the envelope flaps down
with a hot glue gun for six hours eventually
does the trick. I fail to pare down guest list.
Like a powerful Hollywood party hostess, I
withhold a batch of B-list invitees, pending
the acceptance rates of other guests.
Four weeks and counting: Son is still
growing too fast to buy the suit. He practices
his Torah portion chanting each night, perfecting the reading. But the boy will give his
speech at 90 miles an hour. Is it too late to
hire a speaking coach?
Three weeks: Response cards arrive each
day, many including checks. Son discovers

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S-13 Jewish Standard

that happiness is a positive cash flow! An alarming 90 percent of invitees have accepted! Cannot decide about B-list.
Send to all anyway.
Two weeks: While meeting with caterer, son insists on
a dinner menu of corn dogs and pasta. Fortunately, few
13-year-old boys are on the South Beach Diet. Musician
nags me with repeat calls, urging me to hire his entire
orchestra. I repeatedly refuse, reminding him this is not a
presidential inauguration; its just a bar mitzvah.
One week and a half away: Son still practices speech
faster than a major league pitch. Consider speech printouts on each seat? Seven days away! Musician, magician,
and caterer all need deposits. Consider asking son for loan.
Six days: Should I get a new dress? I had planned to lose
10 pounds for the occasion, but failed to take necessary
actions. Decide to wear ivory colored spring suit, which
still fits. The fraud detection department of my credit card
company calls to warn me of an unusual amount of activity on my account.
Five days: Must get sons suit now. Even if he grows
another two inches this week, it will still fit. Son finds all
formal shirts in the store too scratchy. I snag a hand-medown shirt from the closet, worn at an older brothers bar
mitzvah. Finally, I save money!
Four days: Try to pre-arrange seating for family dinner.
No configuration seems likely to prevent Uncle Harold
from starting up with Cousin Norman aboutwhat was
that fight about, anyway? Pray that Aunt Shirley takes her
meds before arrival. Stock up on my supply of migraine
pills . . . just in case.
Three days: Call everyone who hasnt sent in response
card. Some remind me testily that they did send them in
and I must have lost them. I lose my house keys.
Two days: Caterer calls to report he cant get the petit
fours I had ordered, and a trucking strike on the East
Coast may mean we cant get the sorbet, either. Default to
bakery cookies. Photographer calls with an emergency,
and shell send her trainee instead. Will that be okay?
Day before: I supervise floral delivery to synagogue. Florist with heavy Italian accent assures me they will be stupendous, but doesnt warn me theyre nearly as big as
Mount Sinai and hardly fit through the door. At home, the
phone wont stop ringing. Everyone apologizes, since I must
be so busy, but what time is the party called for? Can they
bring a niece who unexpectedly flew into town? My keys
have not shown up yet, and I lose my spare set as well. Next
move: Climbing through the window to get into the house.
The Big Day: Get up early enough to put in contact
lenses and dress with care. While drinking a quick cup
of coffee in the kitchen, a crisis erupts! The dog rushes
in from the yard, ecstatic at seeing me after an absence
of seven minutes. He leaps up to greet me, festooning my
ivory suit with muddy paw prints! Ive got to leave for synagogue in three minutes, but have no plan B for another
outfit. I race to my room and throw on a dark blue suit
whose jacket wont button all the way.
Son chants his portion from the Torah beautifully. He
looks both adorable and handsome in his suit, straddling
that brief, shining moment between boyhood and manhood. Miraculously, he gives his speech slow enough for
most people to hear. Sometimes, nagging pays off! In his
speech, he thanks his father for taking him to Dodger
games; me for correcting his grammar. He is in his glory,
and I am in mine, even if my dress is too tight.
Four days later: The party goes smoothly. Some computer glitches make the music intermittent, and the silences
are hard to explain. Several people wander into the hall, fill

WINTER 2017

plates with food, and leave. I have never seen these people
before in my life. The desserts are a big hit, especially the
brownies. I could have told them that. Keys still MIA.
Five days later: My sons 15 minutes of fame are over,
and he is returning to life as a mere mortal. And each day,
he continues his deployment into manhood, standing
a little taller, his face and body becoming ever thinner.
The next time I see his chubby cheeks, theyll be on my

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

grandchildren. I am wildly happy that he is not embarrassed to say, I love you, Mom.
I am also nearly wildly happy that my keys finally turned
up in the up in the backyard. My symptoms of Post-Bar
Mitzvah Stress Disorder are dissipating at last. Mazal tov!
Judy Gruen is a writer and editor who specializes in humor. She
is completing her memoir. Visit her at www.judygruen.com.

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Jewish Standard S-15

Front and center

Table displays bring aesthetics and meaning to the event
Heidi Mae Bratt

alloons that are shaped into artful

displays, seasonal or exotic flowers
festooned into garden-like grandeur, or original sculptures or posters that reflect a particular party theme
can center the table at an event such as a
bar or bat mitzvah. They decorate, help to
celebrate, and beautify the event. Centerpieces are often thought to be an important element of the affair. And makers
of the simcha put much stock into these

displays, which will grace the table where

their guests will enjoy a special meal.
When Barbara Selman made a pidyon
haben for her first grandson, Shane Ithan,
at Temple Emanu-El of Closter, she too put
much thought into the centerpieces. The
longtime volunteer and co-chairperson of
the Bergen Reads program, a literacy program by the Jewish Federation of Northern New Jersey, thought to celebrate the
simcha and promote the program that she
has volunteered for by renting the book
centerpieces, which are part of the Bergen

Reads program.
Stacks of real books are artfully arranged
and wrapped in clear wrap, and are customized with balloons, or ribbons, and signage to fit the occasion, and serve as table
centerpieces. The centerpieces available
as table centerpieces and baskets for the
synagogue bimah can be rented for various occasions. They help to raise money
and at the same time raise awareness.
They are so great-looking, and they
promote such a wonderful program, Ms.
Selman said.
The Bergen Reads program enlists

about 160 volunteers who visit nine public elementary schools in Hackensack and
Teaneck and work with students who are
struggling with their reading skills. At
years end, the program presents brand
new books to the students, about 350
youngsters. The money raised by the book
centerpieces helps to purchase the new
books, said Beth Figman, director of Volunteer Services for the Jewish Federation
of Northern New Jersey.
The book centerpieces, as well as the
bimah baskets books arranged to sit on
the bimah are very often rented for bar
and bat mitzvahs, Ms. Figman said.
We have kids who have a passion for
reading and want to do community service, said Ms. Figman. So having the book
centerpieces and bimah baskets at their
events and parties makes perfect sense,
she said. They look great and they do good.
See Front and center page 16

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S-16 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2017

Front and center

from page 15

For flower lovers, J-ADD, the Jewish Association for

Developmental Disabilities vocational Flowers by J-ADD
program, is starting to bloom, said J-ADD director John
Winer.
The organization trains its members in floral arrangement and its members create beautiful floral centerpieces

that are available for occasions, including bar and bat

mitzvahs, and floral bouquets that are available for Shabbat and other times.
Flowers by J-ADD provides vocational opportunities
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BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Mr. Winter said the organization is stepping up its training of individuals to do the floral arranging and is hoping
to one day have a full-scale flower business.
There is no price you can put on giving the individual
the opportunity to integrate in a non-segregated environment and become empowered through employment to
improve his or her quality of life, Mr. Winer said.
In addition to floral arrangements available for various
occasions, including bar and bat mitzvahs, Shabbat flowers are also available. They have sold at the JCC in Tenafly,
at a few day schools, and for special events, including a
recent dance recital at the JCC, Mr. Winer said.
Harlee Hayden of Hillsdale became a very familiar face
at the Helping Hands Food Pantry in Teaneck.
When she was wondering what to do for her bat mitzvah project, Harlee decided to mix together a little of this,
a little of that, and a lot of love. She took her love of baking; her desire to make a palatable difference in peoples
lives, the advice, and even a recipe from her familys
rabbi, Rabbi Debra Orenstein of Bnai Israel in Emerson,
and kneaded all the ingredients together.
The result had been delicious and beautiful freshly
baked challahs that Harlee had donated weekly to the
Helping Hands Food Pantry in Teaneck.
Harlee was delivering a dozen challahs at a time,
said Janice Preschel, director of the Helping Hands Food
Pantry. The challahs had been snapped up, and not just
by Jewish people. The smell of fresh baked challah is
amazing.
To cap the ongoing mitzvah of her bat mitzvah, Harlee
took it a step further in supporting the food pantry.
She decided to buy food items and assemble them into
two large decorative baskets that adorned the bimah at
her bat mitzvah, which took place recently.
She then donated the food-filled baskets to the Helping
Hands Food Pantry in Teaneck for families in need. The
pantry accepts such non-perishable food items such as
cereal, tuna fish and canned vegetables. Ms. Preschel said
the food pantry serves about 200 families.

At left, Floral
arrangement by
J-ADD. Below,
book centerpieces
to support
Bergen Reads.

s
,

s
s
,

d
t
s

Jewish Standard S-17

Making a celebration a meaningful celebration

Emuna Braverman

ife has many firsts. Its part of what

makes life exciting. Its part of what
keeps us on our toes. And its part of
what throws us into panic and confusion. Am I going to get it right? Ive never
done this before. And even deeper, what
exactly is right?
We were approaching another first in our
family our oldest sons bar mitzvah. And
the questions were flying fast and furious.
We know we didnt want a circus theme
or a baseball theme. We were not hiring
a rock band or a trapeze artist or a belly
dancer! But that still leaves plenty of leeway.
How do you enjoy the party and maintain the focus?
How do you enjoy the party and maintain the focus? One of my girls wanted all
the clothing to be color-coordinated. I said
no. One of my children wanted the celebration to be at a hotel. I said no. Another
wanted all her friends to come. I said no.
And everyone wants to help decide the

menu. I said no to that also. But there have

to be some yes-es. Not because the celebration is about the material but because
everyone wants a piece of the joy.
Everyone was genuinely happy and
excited for their brother (when theyre
not fighting over the computer with him!)
and they want as many outlets as possible
to express it.
Trying to tread the middle road is a challenge in every aspect of life. Here too. We
want it attractive but not ostentatious, joyful but not wild, the food delicious but not
extravagant, the clothing dignified but not
dramatic (and not outrageously expensive). And we want it meaningful.
We want everyone to understand especially our son and his siblings what a bar
mitzvah means. Its not about the party. Its
not about the gifts. Its not about the band,
the dessert or the kiddush. Its not about
the beautiful cake our friend Betsy is going
to make. And its not about the bills. (Its
not about the bills, its not about the bills...)
Its about becoming an adult and forging

a personal relationship with God. Its about

recognizing that inherent in the concept
of relationship is the idea of responsibility.
And that responsibility is the real joy. Having obligations and using those obligations
to connect to the Almighty is the ultimate
happiness.
We want our friends and family to think
this is the best party ever not the best
decorations, the most courteous waiters,
the most gourmet food, the most exotic
setting the best party ever because it will
teach us what life is really about. What
were really meant to celebrate. Where
true joy is attainable. And if we can learn
that lesson we want everyone we care
about to learn it with us.
We want our family to think it was the
best party ever because it taught us what
life is really about. These are all wonderful
ideas. But exactly how is this lesson going
to be taught?
I know its not by counting checks.
I know that a sense of relief, a suggestion that the ordeal is over would be a

serious mistake. And the thought that this

is an end rather than a beginning would
be a tragedy. I know what wont teach the
proper perspective. But what will?
One way I hope this lesson is absorbed
is through my sons friends. When Ive
seen the joy of the boys dancing with and
for each other at previous bar mitzvahs,
Ive been moved to tears. Their unselfconscious expressions of pure happiness lifted
everyone to an appreciation of what the
world could be, an excitement about the
potential waiting to be unleashed.
Coupled with this are the words of his
teachers. Continually exhorting the boys
to appreciate the significance of the day
and demonstrating to them the pleasure
and beauty of a life of wisdom and positive
actions, these teachers have primed their
students for the new vistas to come. But
only by acting on what theyve learned, by
exhibiting the character commensurate
with the wisdom, will the boys begin to
forge their own transcendent relationship.
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S-18 Jewish Standard

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The wheels of time and family keep turning
Ed Silberfarb

onathan said to David, Tomorrow is the new moon, and you

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will be missed because your
seat will be empty.
Thus began Bens bar mitzvah
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guests attended, ranging from the secular to the pious.
The latter were careful to arrive after Shabbat.
The music was hard rock, orchestrated by Bens friend,
a sound engineer. In a quieter adjacent room, adult couples were dancing. The most popular attraction was a
ping-pong table, which was in constant use until it col0002441714-01.qxd 10/15/08 5:09 PM Page
lapsed1near the end of the party.
The food was chow mein, lo mien, egg rolls, and moo
Certified Cantor with
goo gai pan, all from Bernstein-on-Essex, one of New
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Yorks few kosher Chinese restaurants, now long gone.
0002441714-01
There was a vast amount of fried noodles, which the Bernstein man insisted
was necessary for enjoying the cuisine.
LIEBERSTEIN,
BARBRA
The
kids
agreed.
The
observant cousins were assured that
Fri, Oct 24, 2008
the heating of the food was not begun until after Shabbat.
x 2.50"
Group and1 cols, 2.13
The mother of one of Bens friends, a photographer,
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documented the entire evening with pictures of one and
read Hebrew
in your home
all in poses both serene and outrageous.
Lisa Spadevecchia
Bens father did a respectable havdalah, and the rabbi,
Parent Paper
brilliant but controversial, seemed to enjoy the affair and
Carinewas well behaved throughout.
Officiant at Bar/Bat Mitzvah Ceremonies,
We leap ahead 32 years. Ben has put his ReconstructionBaby Namings and Weddings
ist days
behind him. He has been initiated in the ranks
___ Art
Direction
Officiant for Baby Namings
of the frum with a year of intensive study at a yeshiva in
_X__ Israel
E-Proof
and two more in Monsey, New York. Hes married
e-mail: cantorbarbra@aol.com
Certified
Cantor with 12+ years
with
four
children, living within an eruv in Baltimore. He
www.cantorbarbra.com
of pulpit experience
wears an elegant, broad-brimmed black hat, and dons a
kittel for the Passover seder. His oldest son has become a
bar mitzvah with a siyum after completing a tractate of the
Talmud.
___ OK
ASHis
ISdaughter became a bat mitzvah with a scholarly dvar Torah and a sedate party at home.
mitzvah approaches for his second son, and
W. bar
CHANGE
___ OKNow
complications loom. The scheduled date is Shabbat Hagadol, the Grand Sabbath, the one before Pesach. How
________________
does one deal with the awesome happening? Will the
approved
partyby
be diminished? Can chometz be available, and if so,
where? With a seder just days later, will anyone attend?
In the end there is no need for hysteria or concern. The

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www.thejewishstandard.com

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

events proceed with calm and

dignity. The young man binds
the tefillin for the first time with
help from his older brother, a
perfectionist.
Then comes the Bo Ba Yom,
a dairy party in a local restaurant attended by his classmates,
his rebbe and immediate family
Thursday before Shabbat. The
only women present are his sister, mother and grandmothers.
He leads the mincha davening
followed by a supper of macaroni and cheese. His siblings
rig up a sound system, and the
rebbe organizes the boys in a
series of simcha dances to prepare them for future weddings.
Some of the boys, already bar
mitzvah, wear their black hats.
Shabbat Hagadol lends a certain majesty to the shacharit and there is no shortage of attendance, especially with
anticipation of a sumptuous pre-Pesach kiddush,
The last event is a Sunday party at home for family
and friends. Its a chance for everyone to say something
about the young man and to entwine his future to Torah
and mitzvot.

The bar mitzvah ceremony was

followed by a rollicking party
of boys and girls, men and
women, in the social hall of a
neighboring day school.
For Ben and family, the simchas continue. His youngest
son becomes a bar mitzvah in November this year. The
planning has begun, and already a daring solution has
been put forth a Thanksgiving Day bar mitzvah. This
would eliminate the problem of guests driving on Shabbat.
The Torah, after all, is read on Thursday even though the
Pilgrims may not have had that in mind when they established the holiday.
The menu is obvious turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce,
sweet potatoes, all the fixins as they say, and, of course
pumpkin and/or apple pie. One might add knish to give it
ethnic balance.
On the other hand is the argument that Thanksgiving is
the busiest travel time of the year. Even those who are willing to brave the traffic might prefer to spend the holiday at
home with family. But no, say the innovators. Do it and
they will come.
Ed Silberfarb was a reporter for the Bergen Record in New
Jersey, then the New York Herald Tribune where he was City
Hall bureau chief. Later, he was a public information officer
for the New York City Transit Authority and editor of one of its
employee publications.

Jewish Standard S-19

When the political becomes personal

The red, white and
blue colors convention
theme bar mitzvah
Heidi Mae Bratt

emocratic Party! Republican

Party! Bar Mitzvah Party!
It was a clever play on words,
and an even more clever play on
a theme, as the country was in the throes
of a sizzling political moment of a preelection season. With three weeks before
the presidential election, the Weisz family of Florida, who observed their son
Andrews bar mitzvah on Oct. 15, 2016 at
Temple Beth El in West Palm Beach, created a mock political convention theme
for the event.
It was an original concept and very
timely, said Andrews father, Peter
Weisz, who runs a boutique book publishing. His wife, Alla, is a family practice
physician.
From the delegate package invitations,
to the red carpet entry at Club at Ibis
where the party took place, to the Uncle
Sam on stilts, to the signs that urged
everyone to vote for Andrew for president, it was all stops pulled out to create a
very unique and memorable bar mitzvah.
It was so unique, in fact, that there
were stories written about the event in
the local press. It was also featured as a
spotlight on the bar-bat mitzvah website,
mitzvahmarket.com.
The event was bi-partisan, we made
sure of that, said Mr. Weisz. There were
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton impersonators, who mingled among the guests,
who were asked to dress up in red, white
and blue for the festive occasion.
As for Andrew, he had a
grand time.
I just loved it, said
Andrew.
So would his dad like it
if an all-grown up Andrew
decided to actually run
for president of the United
States?
Id like that very much,
said Mr. Weisz. But if
he became a doctor, that
would be even better.

Red, white and blue were the colors. Father Peter Weisz, Andrew Weisz,
and his mother Alla Weisz.
Uncle Sam stood tall on stilts as he walked
around reminding everyone about U.S.
patriotism.

Above, Candidates
Donald Trump and Hillary
Clinton hobnobbed with
the guests at Andrews
party. At left, the secret
service, aka one of
Andrews coaches, escorts
the candidate, aka, bar
mitzvah boy into the party.
The Great Garden State of New Jersey is represented at the party.

S-20 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2017

BAR/BAT MITZVAH