8/31/2016 Making House: Notes on Domesticity - The New York Times

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MakingHouse:Notes
onDomesticity
Ahomeissomethingbothlookedatandlived
in,butthatdualitycanbedifficulttoreconcile.
ByRACHELCUSK AUG.31,2016

Awomanoncetoldmeaboutavisitshemadewithherhusbandtoan
oncologist,toreceivetheresultsofhisbiopsy.Shewasperhapsinherlate
60s,agrandmother,marriedfor40oddyears.Theywerekeptwaitingfora
longtime,atenseinterludeinwhichsheoccupiedherselfwiththequestion
ofhowshewouldredesignthewaitingroomifithadtobecometheir
permanenthome.Shehadcreateddomesticspacesforsomanyyears,she
said,thatsuchthoughtshadbecomeasortofmentaltic,areflexiveaction
sheperformedtosootheherself.Bythetimeshehadresolvedthevarious
problemsofinsufficientlight,wronglypositioneddoorwaysandan
institutionalstyleofdcor,thewaitwasoverandtheywerecalledinfor
theirappointmentwhere,thankfully,shesaid,thenewswasbetterthan
expected.

Asisoftenthecasewhenpeoplearehonest,theseremarksstruckme
asdeeplyfamiliarwhileatthesametimecreatinginmeastrongdesireto
disownthem.Notlongbefore,Iwasdriventowhatappearedtobethe
brinkofmentalandphysicalcollapsebyembarkingonthecomplete
remodelingofourLondonflat,andwhileitwastruethatmychildrenandI
werenowenjoyingthebenefitsoflivinginamorepleasantenvironment,I
stillfeltacertainsenseofshameathowdeterminedlyIbroughtthese
eventsabout.Icausedwallstobeknockeddownandfloorstoberippedup

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androomstobeguttedIthrewawaydecadesworthofclutterand
keepsakesandoldfurniturewithwhatattimesseemedlikemagicandat
otherssheerviolence,Icausedthepasttobeobliteratedandputsomething
new,somethingofmychoosing,initsplace.Athome,everywhereIlookedI
nowseemedtoseeahiddenpartofmyselfthatwaspubliclyexposed:The
numberlessprivatedecisionsIhadmade,fromthecolorsonthewallsto
thebathroomtaps,wereexhibitedforalltosee.Whatsmore,thevery
peoplemyfamilyandfriendsforwhomthisvisionwasrealized
threatenedbytheirpresencetodefileit.Iflinchedwhentheysatonthenew
sofa,andIdartednervousglancesattheirshoesstrollingimperviouslyover
theunmarkedflooreveryscratchandscrapeandstainfeltasifitwere
beinginflicteddirectlytomyownflesh.Icarpedatmytwoadolescent
daughtersforleavingtheirpossessionsstrewnoverthefurnitureand
beratedthemfortheevidencetheyleftofthemselvesinthekitchen.Atthe
timeIfeltmyselftobeservingtherealityofmydomesticlifewiththem
enhancingit,dignifyingitbutnowitalmostseemedasifwhatIreally
wantedallalongwastoeraseit.

Theoldflathadbeenthicklycarpetedinaspongybrownwoolthat
causedmenotthemerestflickerofidentificationasitunderwentthe
pummelingsofdailylifeinthecrampedkitchen,whoseorangetiledwalls
andfloorgaveitsomethingofthedimatmosphereofabutchersshop,
peoplehadhappilysatwedgedaroundthetableinthemurkylightonan
assortmentofchairsandstoolsofdifferentheights.Wehadinhabitedthe
oldwarrenofroomsalmostwiththecarefreenessofchildren,forinasense
thoseroomswerenotours,nottheproductofourwillordesignyetthat
samefeelingoflawlessnessseemedalsotocreatethepossibilityofgetting
lost.Wewereforeversearchingforoneanother,calling,wanderingfrom
roomtoroom.Sometimesitwashardeventoknowwhetheranyonewasat
home:Thethickcarpetdoggedlyabsorbedthesoundsoflife.

Wewerebothmoreandlessourselvesinthatundistinguishedspace,
lessburdenedbutlessanchoredtoofreerandyetunreflected,fornothing
theregaveusbackanimageofourselves.Whenpeoplevisited,Ifeltthe
needtoofferexplanations:Iwoulddescribewhatwasgoingtobedonetoit

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andwhatitwouldlooklike,asthoughcreatingahomeoutofmerewords,
andwatchtheirfacesbrightenasthevisiontransferreditselffrommyhead
totheirs.Onedayanacquaintancecameround,andbeforeIcouldembark
onmytale,heremarked,runninghishandfondlyoverthepeelinglaminate
kitchencounter,onhowrareandrefreshingitwastobesomewhere
untransfigured,somewhereofanauthenticuglinessthatdidntlooklikea
photographinamagazineorapoorimitationofone.Hecomplimentedme
ontakingthisstandagainsttheubiquityofmiddleclasstastesheappeared
toviewitasanartisticandphilosophicalposition.Donteverchangeit,he
saidwithasmallsmile.Illbedisappointedifyoudo.

Igrewupinasuccessionofmoderatelygrandhouseswherethe
nicestroomsweretheonesnoonewasallowedtouse:thedrawingroom
withitsdustlessornamentsandimmaculatecreamcoloredsofas,thespare
roomwherethemahoganyfurnituregleamedandthewhitebedsheetswere
alwayscrispandclean,thestudywithitsunreadleatherboundvolumes,as
forbiddingasifitwereconservingthememoryofsomeoneimportantwho
onceworkedthere.Thoseroomswerefullofthetensionandsilenceofa
museum:Timehadstoppedtheresomethingabovethehumanhadbeen
allowedtotakehold.Whomandwhatweretheyfor?Ithadseemed
ridiculous,butperhapsitwasnomoreridiculousthantheobjetdart
standingunusedinthemuseum.Intheirwaytheseroomswereexpressive
works,attemptstoperfectrealityandholditinaneternalmoment.They
toldmesomethingaboutthepersonmymotherwhocreatedthem.
Whattheyseemedtosuggestwasthatshewouldneverbehappierthanin
thehomeshemadeforus,atthetimeswhenwewerentthere.

Wemovedhouseoften,andeachtimeitappearedthatitwasthe
perfectingofourenvironmentthatwascausingustoleaveit,asthough
livingtherehadbeenaprocessofconstructionthatwasnowcomplete.In
muchthesamewayasanartistsdeepestmomentsofintimacywitha
canvashalfconsciouslygeneratetheneedordesiretoridhimselfofit,my
motherperhapsfeltagatheringfrenzyasshebequeathedherdomestic
visiontous,forthesightofusstartingtomakeourselvescomfortablethere
wassurelytheproofthatthepicturewasfinished.Thesummonsofthe

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unknowngenerallyoverridessentimentpossibly,itfeedsoffit.Tocontinue
creating,apersonperhapshastomaintainanessentialdiscomfortinthe
world.Thekitchen,wheremymotherspentmostofhertime,wasoftenthe
smallestanddowdiestroominthehouseswelivedinandI,too,have
foundmyselfworkingovertheyearsincrampedbedroomsoratthekitchen
table,evenwhenadegreeofprosperitywouldhavepermittedmetoclaim
themuchvauntedroomofmyown.

InItalyonce,Iwasgivenaprivatetourofabeautifulcastle,ledbythe
ownerthroughroomafterimpeccablyfurnishedroom,onlytoglimpseat
theendthroughahalfopendooratiny,cavelikespacecrammedwithall
theevidenceagasstove,atelevision,atattysofaofdailylife:Thiswas
clearlywherethefamilyspenttheirtime.Ihaveoftenlookedat
photographsofwritersintheirelegantbooklinedstudiesandmarveledat
whatseemstomeamirageofsorts,thenearperfectalignmentofseeming
withbeing,theconvincingillusionofmentalprocessesonpublicdisplay,as
thoughwritingabookwerenottheworkofsomeonecapableofallthe
shameanddeviousnessandcoldheartednessintheworld.

Oneofmydaughtershasafriendwhosehouseshelikestospend
timein.Itsacheerful,comfortablehouse,alwaysfullofpeopleandfood.
Therearetherightnumberofparentsinresidenceandenoughattentionto
goaround.Itstastefulandculturedinanunfussykindofwaythe
bookshelvesareladen,thewallscrammedwithpaintingstheresadog
lyingcontentedlyonthethreadbarePersianrug.Shecaneatonthesofa
there,asshecannolongerdoathome.Itlookslikeaplacewherepeople
createthings,withnoneofthetensionsIassociatewithcreativity:the
silence,thesolitude,theunappeasableneedfortheworldtodisappearso
thatconcentrationcanoccur.ForatimeIamslightlyjealousofher
attractiontothishousehold,thoughIunderstanditperfectly,forit
embodiescertainprinciplesoflivinggenerosity,tolerance,the
recognitionofthehumanasthepreeminentvaluethatImyselfhold
dearwhilefrequentlyfeelingunabletodeploytheminmyownhome.Like
thebodyitself,ahomeissomethingbothlookedatandlivedin,aduality
thatinneithercaseIhavemanagedtoreconcile.Iretainthebeliefthat

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otherpeopleshomesarerealwheremineisafabrication,justasIimagine
otherstoliveinnerliveslessflawedthanmyown.Andlikemydaughter,I,
too,usedtopreferotherpeopleshouses,thoughIamoldenoughnowto
knowthat,givenachoice,thereisalwaysadegreeofdesigninthewaythat
peoplelive.ThemanwhoadmiredmypeelingFormicawascreditingme
with,oraccusingmeof,doingsomethingdeliberate,andIdontdoubtthat
theapparentartlessnessofmydaughtersadoptedhouseholdis,however
halfconsciously,aresultofacarefullyconsideredsetofconvictions.That
thoseconvictionssocloselyechomyownmakestheillusionifillusionit
ismoretantalizingstill.

Enteringahouse,IoftenfeelthatIamenteringawomansbody,and
thateverythingIdotherewillbefeltmoreintimatelybyherthanbyanyone
else.Butinthathouseitispossibletoforgetentirelyasthepassengers
onthetopdeckofalinercanforgettheblackened,bellowingengineroom
belowwhatissurelynonethelesstrue:thatahomeispoweredbya
womanswillandwork,andthatacuriousformofsuccesscouldbe
measuredinherabilitytosuggesttheopposite.Icantseeanydifference,in
mydaughtersadoptedhousehold,betweenwhatitisandwhatitseemsto
bethehomeofakind,artisticandeducatedwomanandyetIfind
myselfunabletobelievethatdifferenceisntthere.

ThehouseawomancreatesisaUtopia,wroteMargueriteDuras.
Shecanthelpitcanthelptryingtointeresthernearestanddearestnot
inhappinessitselfbutinthesearchforit.Thedomestic,inotherwords,is
ultimatelymoreconcernedwithseemingthanwithbeing:Itisaplace
wherepersonalidealsareexternalizedorpersonalfailuresmadevisible.
Theseideals,aswellastheformsoffailuretheycreate,areeverchanging:
Thesearchforhappinessisakineticstate,anditfollowsthatthemost
seductiveofalltheillusionsofhomemakingwouldbetheillusionof
permanence.

ThenovelistIrisMurdochfamouslylivedinunutterabledomestic
squalor.Shewasaphilosopherandacademicaswellasawriter,inthe
maledominatedintellectualworldofOxford,andIdontdoubtthather

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refutationofdomesticservitudeneededtobelouderandmoreemphatic
thanmostpeoples.Inthatsamecity,Ioncevisitedafamilyhouseat
Christmastimewherethewomanwassodistressedbytheconstanthuman
encroachmentsonthespotlessenvironmentshemaintainedthatwhen
someoneaccidentallydislodgedafewneedlesfromthetree,wehadtosit
therewithourfeetintheairwhileshevacuumedthemup.Such
humiliationscaneasilybeattributedtothetransformationofdomesticity
intoamodernpsychicalevent:ThesuburbanhousewifewithherValium
andhercompulsive,doomedperfectionismhasbeenthebuttofadecades
longculturaljoke.Yetthereareotherimperativesthatbedevilthe
contemporaryheirsoftraditionalfemaleidentity,forwhominsouciancein
thefaceofthedomesticcanseemasortofpoliticalrequirement,asthough
byceasingtocareaboutourhomeswecouldproveourlackoftriviality,our
busyness,ourequality.SomeofthemostexactinghousekeepersIknoware,
infact,men,whosesharingofthecareoftheirchildrenhasledthemdown
thesamewelltraveledroadastheirfeminineforebears,forwhomthe
housebecameanextensionoftheselfandthereforesubjecttotheselfs
samevulnerability,neuroticismandpride.Yetthesemenneverseemquite
sotrammeledordevouredbydomesticity,norsopossessedbyitsutopian
visions:Itmaybethelastlaughofpatriarchythatmenarebetteratbeing
womenthanwomenarebutperhapsinrelinquishingtheroleofhousewife
awomanrobsitofitssting,andhandsoveraneuteredidentitywherea
basicwillingnessandcompetenceareallthatsrequired.Shewalksaround
withitinherflesh,thatsting,theitchyconsciousnessofsomethingdesisted
from,apossiblyharmfulhabitthatleavesanemptinessinitsplace,like
givingupsmokingandnotknowingwhattodowithyourhands.

Anotherfriendofminerunsherhousewithadmirablelaxity,
governingherlargefamilybyasetofprinciplesthathavetidinessasa
footnoteoradistantgoal,somethingitwouldbenicetoachieveoneday,
likeretirement.Inthekitchen,youfrequentlyfeeladistinctcrunching
sensationfromthedebrisunderfootthestairsarevirtuallyimpassable
withthepossessionsthathaveaccumulatedthere,thebooksandclothes
andtoys,theviolinsandsatchelsandsoccershoes,allprecipitouslystacked

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asifinaverticallostpropertyofficethechildrensroomsaresoneglected
theyhaveacquiredakindofwildernessbeauty,likeuntouchedlandscapes
whereovertimetheprocessesofgrowthanddecayhavecreatedtheirown
organicforms.Inthekitchen,thechildrenmakevolcanocakesorcreate
chemicalexplosionssomewhereintheupperregionsofthehouse,a
singingteacherleadstheolderonesinholleringoutshowtunesinthe
corridors,thereisalwaysamultitudeoffriendsandpetsandhangerson
millingaround.Onedayahamstergotoutofitscageitwasfoundsix
monthslater,livinghappilywithabroodofoffspringinawardrobe.My
friendlooksatitallwithmockdespair,thenwavesitawaywithherhand.If
thatshowtheywanttolive,shesays,thenletthem.Inthishouse,the
searchforhappinessappearstobecompleteorrather,inthechaotic
mountainofjumbleitisalwayssomehowathand,theeasiestofallthings
tofind.Theforegroundisentirelyhumanhere:Theroomsmayhavebeen
neglected,butthepeoplehaventbeen.Itiscleartomethatbyeradicating
thetensionofthematerial,myfriendhasbeenabletogiveherchildren
exactlywhatshewantedtogivethemlove,authority,therightadvice
whereforotherpeoplethesethingsgotmixedupandsnaggedonone
another.

Theopposingphilosophiesofseemingandbeing,whencombined,
createaflawedconstitutionwhoserules,ifyouevermanagedtofollow
themthrough,ultimatelybetrayedanalarminglackoflogicattheircore.
HowmanytimeshadIfoundmyselfpursuingbizarredisciplinary
argumentsinordertoupholddomesticlawsthatpossiblyIdidnteven
believein?Ioftenseemedtoseemychildrenlookinghalfpityinglyatmeas
Irailedatthemforbreakingsomethingormakingamess.Isanobject
reallymoreimportantthanaperson?theireyesseemedtoask.Istidiness
moreimportantthanplaying?Istherereallynodifferencebetweenan
accidentamistakeandacalculatedactofdestruction?

Yetformyownmentalprocessestowork,theobjectworldhadtostay
still.Objectswerecapableofexertinganextraordinarymutepower:Even
VirginiaWoolfwritesinherdiaryofbuyinganewchestofdrawersand
havingtoleaveherwritingroomeveryhalfhourtogooutandlookatit.

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Thephotographoftheauthorinhisbooklinedstudyrepresentedformean
unattainableideal,forIwouldhavetobeonbothsidesoftheimage,
creatingthestagesetandbeingitsprincipalactor.Theartistinmewanted
todisdainthematerialworld,whilethewomancouldnt:Inmyfantasyof
theorderlywritersroomIwouldhavetoservemyself,bemyowndevoted
housewife.Itwouldrequiretwoidentities,twoconsciousnesses,twosetsof
minutesandhours.OneIwouldhavetoclearthechildrenstoysfromthe
desksothattheotherIcouldwork.Theimageofthefreewheelingmother
withherdisregardforappearanceswassomehowthreateningfromtwo
opposingperspectives,forherapparentinferioritywasinfactthereverse:
Shewassuperiortothesuburbanhousewifeinhermiserableprisonof
immaculatesurfaces,andshewassuperiortootome,tothemodern
dividedwoman,becauseherindifferencetothedomesticrepresenteda
formofcourage.Withhercrunchykitchenfloorandherwhirlwindswept
rooms,shewasclaimingthefreedomofaman,orachild,oranartist,at
thesametimeasshewasassertingthesuperiorityofhermotherlove,forin
overthrowingthepowerofobjectsshewassimultaneouslyremovingthem
asalastlineofdefense.Anyonecouldaccesshertherewasnogoverned
terraintokeepapersonout.

Inoticeonedaythatmydaughterisspendinglesstimewithher
adoptedhousehold.WhenIaskheraboutit,sheadmitsthatherfriend
startedtocommentonherfrequentpresencethere.Ifeelforher:The
provisionalhome,thehomethatyouareneverquiteentitledtoremainin,
issomethingwithwhichIamfamiliar.Atherage,onSundayevenings,I
hadtoleavethewarmthofthehouseandbedriventhroughtheraintothe
trainstationtogobacktoboardingschool.Iwantedonlytobeallowedto
staywhereIwasallweekend,thefeelingofSundayeveningsapproachwas
ascruelandmeticulousasthetickingofatimebomb.Theschoolweekhad
thesamecrueltyinreverse,asIwaitedfortimetopasstheotherwayand
allowmetogohomeagain.PartoftherestlessnessandanxietyIfeelat
homehas,Irealize,todowithtime:Iamforeverwaiting,asthoughhome
isaprovisionalsituationthatatsomepointwillend.Iamlookingforthat
ending,thatresolution,lookingforitindomesticworkasIlookfortheend

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ofanovelbywriting.AthomeIhardlyeversitdown:Thenewsofahas
nothingtofearfromme.Forme,homeisnotafeelingitsanimage,an
idea,agoal,perhapsasitwasformymother,exceptthataswithsomany
lostorbankruptidentitiesithasfiltereddowntomeasanofteninchoate
setofticsandcompulsions.Intheirrooms,mydaughtersdroptheirclothes
onthefloor,asthoughtoreassureanyonewatchingthatthishistoryends
withthem.

Ifhomewasmymothersnovel,thenwewereitscreatedcharacters,
essentialbutunfree.BycontrastIamjustacleaner,acook,adisgruntled
oddjobman:Mydaughterscreatethemselves.Ihavetriedsohardnotto
rulethemfromthebalefulmatriarchaldomesticthronenottomakean
awfulkindofpoweroutofpowerlessnessthatIsometimeswonder
whetherIhavedonesomethingmuchworse,whichismakemyselfofno
importance.IhaveplayeddownthedomesticworkIdoasifitwere
somethingcontagiousIdontwantthemtocatch.Ihavesuggestedtothem
thatmotherhoodisamerescaffolding,atemporaryarrangement,likethe
casingthatfallsawaywhentherocketliftsitselffromtheearthandbegins
itsjourneytothemoon.AfterdinnerIimmediatelygetuptoclearthe
platesaway,andtheyputouttheirhandstostopme.Cantwejuststaylike
thisforawhile?theysay.

Ihavemadeanunlikelyfriend,thewifeofalongagoboyfriend.They
invitemetotheirflatforsupperitisonthefourthfloor,atthetopofa
long,windingstaircase.Theviewsarespectacularfrominside,andweeat
bythewindow,aroundtheirsmallmoderntable.Atsomepointduringthe
evening,theyaskmeifIrememberanothertable,atableIandherhusband
apparentlyboughtwhenforatimewesharedtheflattogether.Ileftthat
flatoneofmanyhomesIhaveleftmoreorlesswiththeclothesIstood
upin,tooguiltyandashamedtowanttotakeanythingwithme.Thetable,
alongwithotherthingswebought,remainedwhereitwas.Itwasavast,
darkthingmadefromanenormousslabofwoodwithastrangecarved
surface:ThetophadinfactbeenthedoortoaChinesemonastery,andit
wasmountedonthickdarklegs.Weboughtthisgiganticcuriofroman
antiquesshop,presumablywiththeideaofhavinglargedinnerparties

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aroundit,andthoughIcantrememberthosedinnersmyrecollectionof
thetableisentirelyclear.Itremainedinmyexboyfriendspossessionand
hadstillbeenthere,intheflatwherewenowsat,whenhiswifecameonthe
scene.

Youngandjealousthen,shesetaboutremovingeverytraceofmy
existencefromwhatwastobecomeherhome.Someofitwaseasilygotten
ridofotherthingsasofa,amahoganychestofdrawers,abrassbed
whoseheadboardandfootboardweighedatonrequiredtheassistanceof
removalmen.Inmyabandonmentofthesethings,sheperceivedsome
exerciseoffreedomthatsherefusedtounderwrite:IfIwasgoingtogo,
thenthewholematerialworldIhadcreatedwasgoingtogo,tooIcouldnt
justactasifIwereinvisibleandthenleaveotherpeopletodealwiththe
concretefacts.Thetablewasthebiggestandweightiestofthesefacts:It
was10ormorefeetlongbyfouracross,andseveralinchesthickshedidnt
knowhowithadevercomeupfourflightsofstairsinthefirstplace.She
tookaphotographofitandadvertiseditforsaleinthelocalpaper,and
beforelongayoungwomanphonedwantingtobuyit.Myfriendwasat
painstotellhershewouldneedtobringpeopletohelpcollectit,butthe
youngwomanblithelyassuredherthatherboyfriendwouldprobablybe
around.Myfriendrepeatedherinjunctionthatitwasajobforseveralmen.
Itllbefine,saidtheyoungwoman,stopworrying.

Theeveningofthecollectionarrived.Myfriendshusband,myex
boyfriend,hadgoneawayforaweekforwork,somyfriendwasaloneit
wasmidwinterandunusuallycold.Soonafterdarkitstartedtosnow,and
bythetimetheyoungwomanrangthebelltherewasafullblownblizzard
outside.Whenmyfriendopenedthedoorandsawthewomanstanding
thereunaccompaniedherboyfriendwasbusy,apparentlyshebeganto
despair.Thewomangirl,reallywasphysicallytiny,nottomention
inappropriatelydressedforthetaskofextractingthiscolossalincubus,this
10tonMinotaur,fromthefourthfloor.Twomenhappenedtobepassing
onthesnowypavement,andindesperationmyfriendaskedwhetherthey
wouldmindlendingahandmeanwhilethegirlhadtakenouthermobile
phoneandwastappingatthescreenwithvarnishedfingernails,aprocess

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thatresultedinafurthermanarrivingshortlyafterward.Theteam
ascendedthewindingstaircasetotheflat.Thethreemencouldbarelylift
thetabletop:Itwasobviouseveryonewouldhavetohelp.Myfriendrolled
uphersleeves,preparingtoassistatthisgreatexpulsion,likeamidwifeata
birth.Theymanagedtogetitoutontothelanding,butitwastoolargetofit
aroundthecornerofthestairs.Foranhourorsotheymaneuvereditthis
wayandthat,butitwouldntgo.Panting,themenbegantoshaketheir
heads,sayingitwasntgoingtowork.Theywereready,itwasclear,togive
up.Buthowhadthetablegotthereinthefirstplace,ifitcouldntcomeout
again?Thisidea,thatIhadleftbehindmesomethingthathadgrownand
impacteditself,somethingthatcouldneverberemoved,aninoperable
tumorintheheartofherhomeinexplicablethoughitwasgalvanized
myfriendintoastateofnearfrenzy.Throughsheerforceofwillsheheld
thementothetask.Someonesuggestedthatratherthantryingtogoround
thecorners,theylowerthetablestraightdownthroughthegapbetweenthe
banisters.Thedropwassome50feetthegroupformedasortofhuman
chain,halfremainingabovetolowerthetableandhalfstandingbelowat
eachleveltoreceiveit.Atonepointthegapbetweenthebanisterswidened
anditwashardforthegroupbelowtogetafirmholdmyfriend,looking
downatthesceneasthoughfromagreatdistance,dimlyrealizedthatif
theylostholdofthetableitwasentirelypossiblesomeonewouldbekilled.
Themenwerepantingandsweatingthetinygirlstoodhelplesslyby,
saying,Oh,myGod,repeatedly.Butmyfrienddidnotdesistthisbattle,
thebattletodrivemeoutofherterritory,wasoneshewasdeterminedto
win.Withalastexcruciatingeffortthetablewasloweredtogroundlevel.
Breathlessanddrenchedinsweat,myfriendwalkedslowlytothefront
doorandopeneditontothedark,snowynight.Themencarriedthetable
outintothewhiteworld,andthegirlfollowedthem,whilemyfriend
remainedinthedoorway.Theywerechattingnowlikeoldfriendsshe
heardthemagreeingtogoandhaveadrinkatthepuboncetheydputthe
tableinthevan.Myfriendstayedwhereshewas,watchingthemasthey
slowlyprocessedawaywiththeirdarkburdendownthepavementthrough
thesnow,thesoundoftheirtalkandlaughterfadingwhiletheirimage
remainedanimagethatremindedherstrangelyofafuneralprocession,

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thecoffinbeingborneaway,theweightofourmaterialevidencebeing
carriedoutofthislife,onthestrongshouldersofthepallbearers.

IgototheLakeDistrictforafewdaysonawalkingholiday.Inthe
sunshineonthetopofScafellPike,myphonerings.Itsmysister:Shehas
calledtotellmethatoneofmydaughtershashadapartyattheflatinmy
absence.Morethanahundredpeopleturnedupthedisturbancewassuch
thatthepolicewerecalled.Iaskiftheresbeenmuchdamage,andtheresa
longsilencebeforeIgetareply.

WhenIcallmydaughter,myhandsshakinginangersothatIcan
barelyholdmyphone,Ifindmyselfrepeatingthesamephrasesoverand
over.Itsafarce,Ikeepsaying.Itsalljustafarce.LaterIrealizethatwhatI
wastryingtoexpresswasthepainofdiscoveringthatmynarrativeofhome
hadbeenorsoitfeltmockedandrejected.Butitdoesnotescapeme
thatthereversemightjustaseasilybetrue.Tousesomething,even
wrongly,doesnothavetoimplycontemptitmightinfactimplybelief,
beliefintherealityofthisfabrication,home.

WhenIgetback,Iopenthedoorexpectingtobehitbythesmellof
stalealcoholandsmoke,butinfactwhatIsmellareflowers.Itisasunny
day,andthewholeflatisfilledwiththem,rosesandirisesandhyacinths
anddaffodilsspillingoutofeveryvaseandjugthatcouldbefoundinthe
cupboards.Mydaughterhascleaneduptheflowersareherapology.On
thejourneyback,IbroodedontheprobabilitythatIwouldneverfeelquite
thesameaboutthehomeIhadcreated,forwhileIknewahundred
teenagershadconductedabacchanalthere,thefactthatIdidntwitnessit
seemedtocreateanunbreachabledissociation,afeelingofseparationthatI
wassurprisedtodiscovercausedmeadegreeofrelief.

Iputmybagonthecounterandsmelltheflowers,oneafteranother.I
walkfromroomtoroom,lookingaroundmelikeavisitor.

RachelCuskistheauthorofeightnovels,thelatestofwhichis
Outline,andthreebooksofnonfiction.Hernextnovel,
Transit,willbepublishedintheUnitedStatesinJanuary.

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/04/magazine/making-house-notes-on-domesticity.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading& 12/13
8/31/2016 Making House: Notes on Domesticity - The New York Times

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Magazinewiththeheadline:MakingHouse.

2016TheNewYorkTimesCompany

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/04/magazine/making-house-notes-on-domesticity.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading& 13/13