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 DEPARTMENTS
OLQ
THE EMPIRE STRIKES IT RICH DEPARTMENT
"Raiders of a Lost A r H
(A MAD Movie Satire)...
TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPART
The Rotten Royal Ruse
The Long-Suffering
Lackey's Lament
DEVICE AGE DEPARTMENT
What if Technology
Invaded History?!?
TWIN GEEKS DEPARTMENT
When the Beavis and
Butt-head Phenomenon
Spreads Into Politics
SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT
A MAD Look a t Hockey
TAKE MY VyiFE, POLICE! DEPARTMENT v ' *
Dick Tracy, Bachelor
VIOLENCE IS.GOLDEN DEPARTMENT|
The Up Side of Terrorism
ECCH THE HALLS-WITH BOWELS
FOR KALI DEPARTMENT
"Inbanana Jones and
the Temple of Goons"
(Another MAD Movie Satire)
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy
AND THE WINNERS AREN'T DEPARTMENT
New Grammy Award Categories
We'd Like to See
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side of
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DOS DEPARTMENT
Confessions of a
Computer Junkie
WORDS TO GLIB BY DEPARTMENT
MAD Proverbs Guaranteed
to Leave 'Em Speechless
INSECT ASIDES DEPARTMENT
MAD Salutes Unsung Heroes
of the Bug Wars
VIEWER DISCRETION DESPISED DEPARTMENT
TV Warnings W e Really Need
FORD-GONE CONCLUSION DEPARTMENT
"Inbanana Jones and His Last
Crude Days" (Yet Another
M A D Movie Satire)
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
"Drawn Out Dramas"
by Sergio Aragones
**Various Places Around The Magazine
APRIL
2000
2
44
JenetteKahn
president & editor-in-chief \
.....10
Paul Levitz
jve vice president & publish
Meglin & John Jicarra
15
Editorial:
die Kadau & Joe Raiola
.i..^9
senior editors
' W
......22 David -Shayrte associate editor
ly Vozeolas assistant editor
' %"., 8jSfckDeBartolo
%_.-." creative consultant
J
...24 Annie Gaines- mana$in$ editor
Dorothy Crouch vp-licensed
29 \hins and.associate publisher
Art Department:
.30
Sam Vrviano art director
32 Nadina Simon
associate art director
Leonard Brenner
37 '_: sraphics consultant
is Nozkowski production
Maria Wyche
38
production artist
40 BrdSn director-business development
x mass market sales
mana$er-newsstand sales
42
FRONT COVER A N D CONTENTS PAGE AR'i.
BACK COVER ARTIST: JAMES WARHOLA Patrick Caldon vp-finance & operations
BACK COVER WRITERS: CHARLIE KADAU A N D JOE RAIOLA Alison Gill exec, director - manufacturing
MAD COLOR CLASSICS #1 APRIL 2 0 0 0 (ISSN 1 0 8 1 - 4 7 1 X ) . Lillian laserson vp & general counsel
45 MAD Color Classics is published two times a year by E.C. Publications, Inc. 1700 Broadway, New
York, N.Y. 10019. Entire Contents copyright 1982, 1984, 1989, 1991, 1992, 1994, 1995 and
2000 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The names and characters used in MAD fiction and semi-fiction ore fic- Contributing Artists
titious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in The U.S.A.
** And Writers
ALL ARTICLES IN THIS EDITION ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN MAD MAGAZINE IN BLACK
AND WHITE. THEY HAVE BEEN DIGITALLY COLORIZED BY WILDST0RM PRODUCTIONS. the usual sans of idiots
 THE EMPIRE STRIKES IT RICH AGAIN DEPT. V rfL
Back in the 1930's,.kids loved those Saturday matinee "Movi< ^serials" in which
the hero battled against incredible odds and miraculously survived one threat to
his life after another-and always just in the nick of time. There was an art to
making those marvelous old "Chapters" . . . and it was only a matter of time before
someone would revive the "cliff-hanger" gimmick in a modern'full-length feature.
That's why we call the Producers of this recent box-office-smash-hit thriller

Hi! I'm Inbanana Jones! I'm Inbanana's girl- I am Bollix . . . a I am Professor 1 am Toad, 1 am Salaam,
Half the time, I'm a friend, Marryin! I run dirty, devious French Mucus C r o n y . . . your normal an Arab who
mild-mannered Professor, a sleazy Bar in Nepal, Archeologist! I plot Jones's colleague everyday digs for
teaching Archeology in a and I can drink any against Inbanana and at the college! I sadistic ancient
small college! The other yak-herder under the try to woo away his am so incredibly Gestapo artifacts
half of the time, I wear table! I've got an aw- girl friend with de- dull that I don't agent! My . . . not oil
a leather jacket, pack a ful temper, and I can ception and champagne! appear in any cruelty is . . . which
revolver and a bull whip, punch out a drunk with In the U.S.A., this outdoor scenes unspeakable! should tell
and KILL people! I'm a right that's a beaut 1 makes me a VILLAIN! for fear I might But t h e n . . . you just how
very respected . . . and Inbanana likes me be- In France, this is be mistaken for so are most unbelievable
I'm also very confused! cause I'm so feminine! NORMAL BEHAVIOR! a sand dune! of my lines! this film is!
 jm. www A North American Jungle1937
I'll take that idol, Inbanana . . . ! ii
What do you mean, L ilLJLlii
Darn it. Bollix! I nearly get trap- "just like that!"? j \ ^
ped in the temple, my guide tries Do you know how ^i. v
to kill me, I escape poison darts long I've been
>. standing out here
and booby traps of all kinds . . . and
you take the i d o l . . . just like that! in the hot sun,
waiting for you?!
 i:i!
-3D.
Yesterday, we in- They've been The Tanis?!? So I get it! No, idiot!! Not THAT Ark,
tercepted a German doing it for Nazis that's Hitler's He'll win They're looking Sure! It Dumbo! I mean

I
communique which two years, and are game! In one the Tanis for the Ark of was built the Ark that
revealed that the you only found digging stroke, he game the Covenent! by Noah contains the
Nazis have been out about it beneath can rule the with one You've heard original Ten
and filled
trying to get YESTERDAY?! the old world! His stroke of the Ark of Commandments
with animals
certain religious No wonder this| city of racket will of his the Covenent, that God gave
artifacts for the haven't you?
so when the to Moses!!
country is in I Tanis! pay off!! racket!! flood came
past two years! such trouble!!
One Big Fight Later- Cairo, E g y p t -

it was wise to " T h a t . . . and it also This is the First, I must decipher these hiero-
disguise ourselves!^ allows you to wash excavation glyphic instructions! Let's s e e . . .
as
desert Arabs! I that cruddy outfit of the Map
you've been wearing Room! I'll "Insert Ancient Medallion (A) into
Slot (B) of Staff of Rah-Rah (C), kr.
lYou mean because for six weeks! I've descend...
we won't be recog- been around camels while you then place Staff in Hole (D) loca-
nized by the Nazis? that smell better! stand guard! ted in 2000-Year-Old Stone (E).
As beam of Light (F) from Sun (G)
in Sky (H) streams through Zircon
(I) of Medallion (A), it will give
exact location of "The Hell Of
Holes" (J) containing the Ark ( K ) ! "

K^
 I've got a tough decision Maybe it's not
to make! If I free you, such a tough
they'll know I'm here and decision to Later That Night
I'll blow my chance of make after all!
finding the Ark! But if would very much like
leave you here, you may J See you around, to see you in this dress,
be tortured and killed!! Kiddo my dear! It belongs to
someone very close to me

Now Toad wants to torture You call that rag a

you, but I won't let him! DRESS?! You call this
I am a cultured Frenchman, slop CHAMPAGNE? Ptui!!
and I will convince you to
cooperate through gifts of
clothes and c h a m p a g n e . . . !
 That doesn't make any sense!
Through that Snakes don't climb walls and
wall! There push themselves through mortar!
are snakes
coming in
through it!
That means
it leads to
the outside!
The Nazis have intercepted
our freighter, recaptured
the Ark, and taken Marryin
hostage! But look at that!
Inbanana Jones is hanging
on to their s u b m a r i n e . . . J
TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPT.

THE ROTTEN ROYAL RUSE

Your Majesty! You can't RA19E NONSENSE! You make it out to
the TAXES again! Your subjects be WORSE than it is! I will
are so poor that many have GO OUT and see for MYSELF
taken to the streets to beg! what they think of their KING!

But, Sire! Don't be a FOOL! I will be YOUR HIGHNESS! Your DISGUISE is HAHI If YOU can be CONVINCED
THINK DISGUISED as one of their AMAZING! If I didn't know you Gunther, then surely no lowly
of the own! They will NEVER KNOW to be the KING, I'd believe you BEGGAR will SUSPECT my TRUE
DANGER! their KING walks AMONG THEM! to be a BEGGAR in the STREETS! IDENTITY! Please get my HAT!
 DEVICE AGE DEPT.

WHAT
IF TECHNOLOGY
What if Moses
had a Fax Machine!

What if Alexander Graham What if Medieval Knights

Bell had Call Waiting! had Refrigerator Magnets!
/"-' -"

INVADED
HISTORY?!? ARTIST AND WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL

What if Adam and Eve What if Vincent Van

had Post-It Notes! Gogh had a Walkman!

What if Nero had What if Paul

a Karaoke Machine! Revere had a Pager!
 TWIN GEEKS DEPT.

Prominent sociologists are claiming that MTV is molding the thoughts

and ideas of our entire culture And since no program on MTV is more
popular these days than Beavis and Butt-head, it goes without saying
that these animated malcontents are spreading their influence on our
society at an alarming rate. So lef s take a look at what will happen...

ARTIST: SAM VIVIANO WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN

JOSEPH BIDEN and TED KENNEDY on a controversial nominee for the Supreme Court
WBLIJAM REHNQUIST and RUTH GEVSBURG on a constitutional amendment protecting our flag

" ^ o u spreads Into 1 ^

DAN QUASLE and MARIO CUOMO throwing out the ceremonial opening day pitch

HEH-HEH-HEH/ HEY, ftocSER-WASTE/

You THROW YouVE NEVtR GOTTEN TO
F,R5T
L.KF ItEtt **& HAVE you?
LIKE A GIRL/ HEH-HEH-HEH.'
SHUT UP $HUT UR
AtSWiPET M*MSA$Sf

^ to,
 ROSS PEROT and JACK KEMP WILLIAM BENNETT and BOB DOLE
on balancing the national deficit on a Sunday morning news program

DAN RATHER and CONNIE CHUNG questioning Boris Yeltsin at a superpowers nuclear summit
SERQE-IN GENERAL D I P T ,
T A K E M Y W I F E , POLICE! DEPT.

S E E WHO GOT PIVORCEP A FEW MONTHS A G O ? THAT SUPER

PETECTIVE ANP LOUSY HU5BANP, PICK TRACY. SO NOW, IN
APPITION TO TRACKING POWN CRIMINALS, PICK IS GOING TO
HAVE TO TRACK POWN FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP THAT MIGHT
B E A LITTLE T O U G H E R , L E T S S E E HOW HE'S POING A S . . .

Lf .

BACHELOR r
OHESTEp^

ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: STAN HART

PICK, YOU'RE ALWAYS WORKING /

I THINK YOU LOVE YOUR J O B
MORE THAN YOUR FAMILY/
PERHAPS IT WOULP BE
BETTER IF WE SPENT^OME
TIME AWAY FROM EACH OTHER'

8
M\
SfebU}
-<h
&2*

19
t?tc/<7fiacgs- l
TRACY, YOU GOT TO START
BECOMING SOCIALLY ACTIVE/
I'VE SET YOU UP WITH A
BLINP PATE/ THERE
SHE IS NOW/

/(cAvf;/y jaius sBrva W3fl

VJUST ANSWER YES PLAYING IT SAFE, '
OR N O / A R E YOU WHAT RELATIONSHIP? 7 eh,CUTE BUNS?
OR ARE YOU NOT YOU ONLY CAME INI HERE OKAY, PLAY YOUR
REAPY TO MAKE FIVE MINUTES A G O LITTLE *HARP-TO-
A COMMITMENT TO CET"CAM.JUST
OUR RELATION- HAVE YOURAN5WER
SHIP? 7 REAPY BY N O O N / / I

HELLO, S U S A N / I SAW SAM / 1 FINALLY MET SOMEONE SPECIAL / TMERE

YOUR AD IN NEW YORK WAS A BOMB SCARE WHERE SHE WORKS ANI7
MAGAZINE! ARE YOU WHEN OUR E Y E S MET, WE F E L L FOR EACH
FOR R E A L ? OTHER LIKE A TON OF BRICKS /

I HOPE YOUR HUSBANP NOT TW&PUrt HE'S PROBABLY ASLEEP

POESN'TSEE US HERE.' ON THE COUCH / LET'S SEE NOW, I
BROUGHT A LIST OF MOTELS IN THE
AREA...
VIOLENCE IS GOLDEN DEPT.

Ever notice thai whenever the President or the P o p e l ^ =*

or Ted Koppel talk abont terrorist mayhem they're
always looking at the down side of it? Don't get us
wrong, we're not saying there aren't some bad things!
about rampant violence bnt, hey, you can't make an
omelet without taking a few eggs hostage and crackin'
them open! You'll see what we mean as we reveal...

^tMSSfr*
[
^OriSmprovto - ^ , ,
'ncentfve fori! T e m e " d ou s
^
"* a na soonf
CSV

^S?**
*-2
<ssg?*
"C'cri^-^j**.
ir^Kssj*^ **&&*
 ARTIST: TOM BUIMK WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN

&\\*V
t^
s

pi-^ Mice

* I

f^^*ev e

i sV^"
^sawa?**.

4^?

fe"

,.P.3*
Terrorism provides us with the enjoyment ol
[ seeing geek soap-opera fans go bonkers when
regu/ar daytime programming is pre-empted'. an
^ W & ^ S S L ' +*>i*?rs t-^n
ss
^ ^ ^ ^ ^
^[SP^MHKOW
S#
^^m^m^^mm ^tesStt
TUfMAo"''
* 1 0 OS>"
M TA S 3

Burt . * 3* &
-Vno*

W terrorts
ITS*
^-^"^ ^MBRSSSSS
t h a t Wic>'~- tt ^ e x*>- -. ce I

!" Mfc -iSS3*!'j*-*. Buttafuoc^^page^

^WiiSSS^'i-l
ECCH THE HALLS WITH BOWELS FOR KALI DEPT.
A few years ago, "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" reminded theater audiences of the great
movie "serials" of the past. Now, that same production team has brought us a sequel
that reminds us of yet another cereal... oatmeal! Were talking, of course, about
 A curse has
befallen our
And
they've
Can you
bring them
The Shameman of Maypo
needs our help! We must
I am Chatter Low
...the Prime Min-
/ ^ \( -xr,
Welcome, my friends! Tonight, the
Maypo village! also back? If set out for the Pancake ister of Pancake!
Palace! Pack your trunk! Maharajah of Pancake will have a
Men from the taken not BOTH,
all the sumptuous FEAST in your honor!!
Temple of Pan- can you
II cake have sto- children at least
-jf ifj len our sacred of the bring back
^1 Sanka stone!! village! the stone?
 I'll bet the refreshment
stands in all the theaters
that show this movie dont
sell very much popcorn and
candy during the picture's
run! Everybody will be too
busy retching and barfing!!
They worship the
god. Kali! Look!!
Those petals that
they're throwing |
are from his fav-
orite blossom
the Kali flower!!
Okay.-.then 1j Then...les- jj Then...les- j ^ j Now. .7if only I Here is the Sanka Stone! ii Can you tell me what
could escape from magic the stone holds?
my contract.. Thank you, Inbanana Jones!
wouldn't have to Now there will be singing
make "INBANANA and dancing in the streets
JONES III"...!! of our village once again!

y
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.

29
 "">..
AND T H E W I N N E R S AREN'T PEPT.

Every year come Grammy time, the music

biz gets sucked dry of any semblance of
creativity and limply bestows the same
stodgy old awards upon their constantly
changing industry. It is now time for
these big losers to wake up and add...

New
GRANNY A M D
Categories
Wed Like To See
ARTIST: RICK TULKA WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

L Best Incoherent and Obscenity-filled Acceptance Speech

from Last Year's Grammy Telecast.
2. Best Gimmick Designed to Distract Attention from the Fact
that Performers Have No Musical Talent Whatsoever.
3. Best Artist That Few Like, but Whose CD Most People Buy
Because it's the "Politically Correct" Thing to Do.
4. Most Unnecessary (and Painful) High Note by a New
Female Vocalist Just Trying to "Show Up" Whitney Houston.
5. Most Injuries at a Heavy Metal Concert Caused by Lead
Singer Whipping Fans Into a Frenzy.
6. Best fictitious PR. Version of How "Made-to-Order"
Singing Group Just "Happened" to Get Together.
7. Most Shameless TV-Commera'al "Sell-Out" by a Superstar
Who Needs the Money About as Much as Ross Perot.
8. Most Unrecognizable Rendition of the National Anthem
Performed at a Sporting Event.
9. Best Rap Album They Couldn't Give Away Until Outraged
Politicians Showered it With Free Publicity.
10. Best Simulated "Love-making Noises" by Pre-Teen Pop
Singers Who Have Never Even Kissed a Girl.
11. Best Live Concert, Up-synched to Pre-recorded Vocals,
With Pre-taped Musk and Pre-programmed Synthesizers.
12. Best "Face-saving" Excuse for Returning to Old Band After
Solo Career Fizzles.
13. Best New Rock Group That Will be Split up in Six Months
Because They Can't Handle Success. 3^
 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT.

PROGRESS
I tel! you, Johnathon. science has ...television informs on everything ...that is now the .and also Hurry up, Ma!
taken over our lives! All of our from government to weather to sole province of three I want to
basic needs are totally taken traffic, while thermostats the telephone! rolls! order pizza!
care of by modern technology! control the temperature of
We wake up to radio alarms... our homes! And as for food...

32
BREAKING UP
Did you hear That's a Too bad it's not like it Three times? That was in the
about Jo and shame! is in some countries! I always old days!
Sam? I hear Getting All you have to do is thought Since then
they're divorced face your partner and they had / they made it
getting is so say "I divorce thee" to say it a lot easier!
a divorce! difficult! three times and it's done! four times!

Viv

ARTIST & WRITER:

DAVE BERG

BABYSITTING
I'm sorry to tell you Why? Are the It's not the children!
folks this, but after children It's the TV! The shows
tonight, I have no becoming are awful this season!
choice but to raise my too
rates to sit for you! troublesome?
ALCOHOL
It's time to top off my
drink! It's reached
the half-way mark!

SPORTS TRAVEL
Dad, why do so many teams like Probably because in order to Grandpa, why aren't Because I believe God didn't
the Chiefs, the Redskins and get tickets to see them play, you going by plane? mean for people to fly!
the Braves have Indian names? you gotta go to scalpers!
 CRUISES
Oh, Captain, can you Do you remember Yes! As I was leaving the room
help me? I forgot anything I remember seeing a little
which is my stateroom! about it? island through the porthole!

SHOPPING
If he did, -he would have I can't believe these prices on ... how could our forefathers afford
made it easier to get antique furniture! All it is this stuff when it was new?
to and from airports! is old tables and chairs! But

M what puzzles me even more is

if this is what it costs now...

THE ECONOMY
THE OFFICE

GIFTS
Dad, can I have
a bike for
my birthday?

DOCTORS
I've got to hurry, My throat's
Kaputnik! I'm bothering
meeting friends me! Can
at my golf club! you check
What's the problem? it out?
 ANOTHER ONE BITES T H E DOS DEPT.
Confessions Of A Computer Junkie
I t all s t a r t e d o u t so innocently
a t a friend's house one day after
work. I t was j u s t a little word
processing and some games, b u t
a f t e r a few minutes, I Knew I had
t o possess one.
I'd stay up all night playing Doom.
But i t wasn't long before I f e l t the
cravings return. I needed more.
Desperate, I began copying pro-
prietary software. Lots of i t . Yes,
I had become a thief!
Being arrested was probably the
best thing f o r me. Who knows what
criminal a c t s I would have commit-
t e d t o support my addiction. Microsoft I n s t i t u t e f o r Debugging
So I went out and bought a
new 3 S 6 , an ink-jet printer
and an amber monitor. I t was the It was fun f o r a while, b u t soon,
happiest day of my life. i t wasn't enough t o satisfy me.
I couldn't control myself. So I up- I was t o o weak t o resist all the
graded again. I g o t a full-page other great s t u f f o u t there. I
Crystalscan monitor, a CD-ROM g o t a scanner, PostScript color
drive and a sound card so I could printer, and a fax modem. It took
have a t o t a l multimedia system. 3 tables t o f i t all my equipment.
/ HEY.DIOYOO ifS3^/AH-.l'Lt
I f A**L M oR
NWHftT? ' ^ V f I BE RIGHT
I sensed t h a t I was o u t o f con-
It was so easy. I began hanging t r o l , b u t I was powerless t o stop.
around and illegally trading s o f t - There were j u s t t o o many fun
ware with other computer Junkies things t o get. Hiding t h e addic-
in unsavory places, r even picked tion from my family and friends
up the language and the lifestyle. was the hardest part.
And even though I had t o work
nights and sell everything I owned
t o stay o u t of jail, I fee! stronger
now. I should have all my debts
paid off In about five years.
ARTIST: RICHARD WEISS WRITER: STEVE WRIGHT
So I upgraded t o a f a s t e r 4 B 6 ,
a VGA color monitor and a 600
dpi laser printer. I g o t some cool
games, and other neat software,
too. I was on top o f the world!
B u t my new system needed
expensive software, and I was
already heavily in debt. I had t o
find another way to g e t ft.
Eventually, I became careless in
my piracy and g o t caught.
I figured it all out on t h i s new cal-
culator. It's solar powered with an
LCD display. I'll probably upgrade
t o one with graphing capabilities,
but i t really can't do anything
cool unless it has a thermal
printer and voice, and then...
WORDS TO GUB BY DEPT.

Parents, teachers and other authority figures have a miraculous gift for
shutting off any topic of conversation they don't wish to pursue. They
just come out of leftfieldwith some obscure, presumably wise old saying

MADFROVERBS GUARAME
ARTIST: ALJAFFEE
or axiom which you don't understand. But now you can have the power to
silence THEIR boring, insipid and unwanted talk, simply by memorizing this
nifty collection of deeply philosophical, but absolutely meaningless...

)TO LEAVE EM SPEECHLESS

WRITER: TOM KOCH

You can't ride a wet horse to Germany!

Only a fool leaves his laundry

with a red-headed woman!

You can't tell a Canadian by

the color of his underwear!

There is more kindness in one smile

than in five pounds of beef liver!

never accuse a pygmy of being short until

you have walked a mile in his moccasins!

If you scratch a Conservative,

does he not stop itching?

Merely hoping the world is fiat

won't help you fall off it!

No one will ever know you've dug a

hole ifyou leave the dirt in it!

If it can't be done, stop doing it!

A good woman is like a stucco bird cage-

rough on the outside, but heavy!

Why trade damp firewood for

the love of a bearded butcher?

Life is like a can of pears,

only more oblong!

Ifa chicken is happy in the barnyard,

why teach it to sell real estate?
39
 INSECT ASIDES DEPT. zk&'J&Gf
r v
The Bold.. .The Brave.. .The Easily Squished ~ N. - \ /* C

MflDSflLUTES

Unsung
... Commanding a Platoon of Soldier Ant Special
Forces During Operation Dessert Storm

of the
Colonel
OIlieMoth

#> ^ V ^ ^ v J - ' ^ v

ARTIST AND WRITER: PAUL PETER PORGES

.. Successfully Running a Wool-Smuggling v

Operation Behind Enemy Lines \

1 "AS :f<*
... Securing a Strategic Forward Base
^Sks
 A i * Am
Air Recon Specialist
D wight D. Flysenhower / N. )

... Celebrating an Emergency Evacuation of ... Surveying Effects of a Recent Sabotage

a Landing Field with a Victory Roll i Operation by his Royal Corps of Engineers r\~

3* J!
**l
4 4$
Wing Commander
Pappy" Stingington

/
? sT
jfe
\J N C /
... Conducting Precision Night Drills with ...Triumphantly Invading Primary and Secondary
his Legendary Mosquito Squadron Targets with his Paratrooper Commandos

Private Mort
'Beetle" Bailey

W%mA.
...Employing the Latest in Psychological Warfare Techniques ... Leading his Roach Rangers in a Pre-Dawn Pre-Emptive Strike
 VIEWER DISCRETION DESPISED DEPT.
?""%:/?:
jms&i^mmm^

WARNING: The following made-for-TU movie is nothing more

than a sleazy attempt by this network to exploit a real-life tragedy
for a quick buck. FCC regulations require us to issue this Official
Buttafuoco Alert!

M y M o f e + O R f z e R fe a l - S o
la3U> iii suppo$ttoRy o&tK,j ..,=--
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WARNING: A celebrity you thought you liked is about to spend the next
30 infomercial minutes shilling for a product you definitely don't need!

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And -POR a pledge of jusf
$1000 r We'll. SCMd yoo oMe
of LucfeNo's sweaty fjankies I

WARNING: The following PBS presentation will be interrupted WARNING: The craftsmen on the following home repair show
several times by well-meaning but dull people begging for pledges perform amazing carpentry feats with simple power tools! Viewers
4 2 in long impassioned pleas! Viewers who are not in need of a new attempting to duplicate these feats risk destruction of their home
camera tote bag are advised to standby to channel surf! or, at the very least, loss of their life!
W A R N I N G : Uanity dictates that the aging star of this show must W A R N I N G : The following rock video contains scantily-clad, fab-
wear a toupee! This hairpiece may appear to move on its own dur- ulous looking babes which may cause married male viewers over 40
ing tonight's telecast! Do not attempt to adjust your TU set! to become depressed and unbearable to be with as they wax philo-
sophical about lost youth and what might have been!

uim
m
The NeTWoRk T V
BROADCAST PREMIERE

W A R N I N G : Tonight's "First-Time Network TU Broadcast Premiere" has

ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITER: J. PRETE previously been shown in multiplex theaters, on airplanes, pay-per-view, video
cassette rentals, cable TU and bootleg tapes! Any viewer who hasn't seen this
movie by now probably doesn't want to see it at all!

W A R N I N G : The following program has been deemed unsuitable

for viewing by self-appointed media watchdogs even though they
*. ^ v s s\ **. .<*>. s"\ yvx v*"-. -
have never actually watched an episode of this program! Uiewers, 43
therefore, are warned to ignore these watchdog's opinions and
decide for themselves!
TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPT.

THE LONG-SUFFERING LACKEY'S LAMENT

MMi^^cOQ-jO'Tr '" *

ARTIST AND WRITER: DUCK EDWING

 FORD-GONE CONCLUSION DEPT.
What's the hot-action, feel-good hit of the summer movies that people are Snakes alive! Yikes! All these
flocking to see? Well, actually it's a tie b e t w e e n two filmsBatman and snakes are alive! Now you
Ghostbusters II, of course! Which is why MAD now proudly presents its satire of... know why I hate snakes in my
first movie as inbanana Jones,
although explaining that in the
last film of the series doesn't
make much sense! Anyway, I just
retrieved the Sign of the Holy
Contrivance so I can pass
Archeology Merit Badge and
finally become an Eagle Scout!

and his
B^GEBEEtnL

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: DICK DEBARTOLO

A
Young I'm not with any museum, In this movie I have an affair Wow! This is the longest
inbanana Yeah, right along I'm with a collection with a beautiful Nazi woman, chase scene on record!
thinks side of this story agency! No one has made get kidnapped, escape a blazing I started out as a young
ancient line! But I want a payment on the Sign castle, survive a daring mid- Boy Scout, fell in a vat
relics the Sign of the of the Holy Contrivance air dog-fight, and almost get of snakes along the way.
belong Holy Contrivance for over two hundred killed in a wild tank chase! and here I am as a mature,
in a for my own years! My company It's sure nice to relax after adult sex symboland the
museum! establishment! wants to repossess it! all those wild James Bond films! chase still hasn't ended!

ii^**N^

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 I've got it, Oh, I Sounds easy Actually, I'd Idiot? That's no way to Let's look for him in
Professor Big deal! It will! The enough rather just refer to your father! Not Venice! Think of the
Barf bag! took you But one Holy unless I stay here only is Dr. Jones, Sr. wild boat chases in
I've found 23 years! I question Grail have and be a on the quest, he found those canals, the
the Sign hope you can What's is a to find two of the three clues death and destruction,
very
sex object!
of the find the a Holy the needed to find the the special effects!
Only an idiot
Holy Holy Grail a Grail? sacred matching Grail! The trouble is And if Dad is there,
would take
Contrivance! lot quicker! cup! saucer, too! now we can't find him! so much the better!
on that quest!

Welcome to Venice! I'm Considering this

Dr. Snide, and I'm here Don't say it! plot so far, the
to assist you just as I Don't ever use "Sappy Fiction"
did Dr. Jones, Senior! the "J" word! section, I'm sure!
He disappeared while You can call Your father was
doing research in this me Inbanana! looking for a
ancient library! Shall I Now, where certain ancient
call you Dr. Jones, Jun... do we start? sign, Inbanana!

Here's the grave with I do! It's Ah, I knew it Well, since That is
the missing tablets! Dr., you're doing 1 1 these old a boat chase! We are men of peace! you're men indeed
I'll just shove these irreversible 1 bones and But it would be We are members of a of peace very
old bones out of the I damage! 1 thought 1 artifacts nice to know cult of total love like myself, sporting
way, tear off these I you, as an expert 1 that 1 who you guys and brotherhood! then I will of you.
ancient tapestries, on archeology, don't are and why Naturally, we kill try to kill Doctor
and pry open this respected care you're trying anyone in search you back! Jones,
sacred coffin! antiquity! about! to kill us! of the Holy Grail! Junior!

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V veV!

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Don't call me "Junior, I will leave you with this information,
or I'll steer you Dr. Jones, Jun...er. second generation-
right into that giant your father is being held captive in
propeller of the the walled Kurtheim castle on the
good ship Cuislnarti Austrian border! Have a nice day!

Here we " j You're right, 1 1 1 know she did. When we find the I don't believe anything
are. For the I should call you I but how do you Holy Grail, will come close to this
trapped last "schmuck" for 1 know that? we can expect miracletwo unarmed men
together 1 trusting Dr. Did you see to see all escaping from a castle
in this 1 1 Snide! She had 1 the swastika sorts of filled with Nazis armed
burning call "Nazi" written 1 tatoo on her unbelievable with tons of the very
room, 1 all over her! butt, you miracles, son! latest automatic weapons!
Junior! "Junior"! J dirty old man?

N y

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There are a few Let's see... "Walk softly

things we must and carry a big stick?"
do to retrieve No. that's not it!
the Holy Grail! "Close cover before
striking?" No, I don't
think so! "Swing your
What are
partner and doe-sido?"
they?
No, that's not it, either..
 Aw, wait, fellas! I was Why did Because I always wanted
hoping that the three we go Obviously so to take a nice, long
of us would goose step through we could ride on the Hindenburg,
over to the hotel, get all that steal this that's why! And now I
a room, and have fun trouble small can't be there for the
trying to close the to board escape big blowout when they
generation gap a little! the giant plane land in New Jersey!
Zeppelin? underneath! Damn my bad luck!

See, there's the Someone must have
resting place of approached the
the Holy Grail, cave and didn't
just like it's plan a head!
shown on my map! But you'll do
better because I
gave you the
rules to follow!
Dad's been shot and I've got Rule two Hmm, let's see...
to retrieve the Holy Grail "One must in old Latin
or he'll die! Rule one know how Jehovah begins
"Only the repentant man to spell with an " I " !
shall pass, but only if he 'Jehovah' I'd like to buy
knows where the 'off' switch correctly!" a vowel, Vanna!
is for the whirling blades!"

Welcome! I am Sir Steven of Spielberg, I'll tell you, Junior, you chose the You mean I have to put up w I'm going back
keeper of the Holy Grail! I've been suddenly this correct cup and we your crotchety behavior and to Venice to
guarding it for over 1000 years, and doesn't seem drank the blessed your insistence on calling me drink some
when you figure in time and a half, as much of a waters! That means "Junior" and keep going on Exxon water
I must be one very rich guy! But I Holy Quest we both now have these wild goose chases and end
warn you, stranger, only one of as it does eternal life! for all eternity? No way! it all now!
those cups is the real Holy Grail! one big
Is it Cup # 1 , Cup #2, or Cup #3? game show!
M

Wv \
/^>Q^-

THEEND?
WHAT WOULD HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
A LOT OF
PEOPLE LIKE
TO SEE DAVID David Copperfield has made many things disappear.
COPPERFIELD Everything from airplanes to large buildings have sudden-
ly vanished by his hand. To find out the best disappearing
AKE DISAPPEAR? trick he could ever hope to do, fold page in as shown.

DAVID COPPERFIELD HAS ASTOUNDED

HUGE TV AUDIENCES BY MAKING VERY BIG AND IM-
POSING OBJECTS DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING WE ALL HOPE HE
S E L E C T S TO M A K E DISAPPEAR IN ONE BIG POOF
A*> <B
Finally, A Cure for the Common Coffin!
Special Savings Offered As Swindle Gardens
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Graves and drab h e a d s t o n e s have
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c l u s i v e o f f e r that's r u n n i n g i n 117
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Before I take my terminal breath, please rush me more
PAY WHILE YOU'RE STILL BREATH- information about Swindle Gardens Mausoleums.
Name
ING. With o u r revolutionary m o n t h l y Address _
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