AUSSIE OLLIE

"Binge Watching"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
INT. OLLIE AND CARLAS HOME - NIGHT
OLLIE (45, Australian, thick accent), CARLA (40, American),
and their son RILEY (10, American) are watching TV. Ollie is
holding the remote.

CARLA
So. What do you think of the new
TV?
OLLIE
Its great. Except why does this
remote have so many buttons? You
know, back in Australia, we didnt
have this many buttons. We didnt
even have a remote control.

RILEY
Well then how did you change the
channel?
OLLIE
We threw a boomerang at the TV.
Australians can do a thousand and
one things with a boomerang. Thats
Aussie ingenuity. In Australia, we
have a saying: "Why use a remote
control and an iPhone, when you can
use a boomerang and a six pack of
Fosters?"
RILEY
Dad. If you love Australia so much,
why did you move to America?

OLLIE
Well. One night I drank enough beer
to kill ten elephants--and then the
next afternoon, I woke up in
California, and I was married to
your mother.
CARLA
Thats not true, Ollie. We dated
for a year and a half here in San
Jose.

OLLIE
Thats not how I remember it,
woman! Now go make me some waffles!

Carla grabs a bottle of beer from the table and smashes it

over Ollies dead.
 2.

OLLIE
Carla. Im Australian. That means
if you break a bottle of beer on me
head, it feels like a massage to
me. Now go get the waffles.

CARLA
Get your own waffles, Ollie!
OLLIE
Riley. Stop faffing around, and
teach me how
(referring to the remote)
this contraption works. Whats this
button?
Ollie presses a button, and menu pops on screen.

RILEY
Thats the smart TV button.
OLLIE
Oy! Why does everything have to be
smart these days?! In Australia,
nothing is smart. Over there,
theres no smart technology or
smart women. All Australian women
and non-Australian women are
stupid, i.e. theyve got a dozen
kangaroos loose in the top paddock.

CARLA
Ollie. Stop making misogynistic
statements in this house.
OLLIE
What a stupid womany comment. As
for me, Im so smart, that I dont
even know what the word
misogynistic means.
RILEY
Well then doesnt that mean youre
stupid?

OLLIE
Probably. But I guess Im too dumb
to know that.
He smashes a bottle over his own head.
 3.

OLLIE
Oy! Now thats a good massage.
LEVI (35, American, Carlas brother) walks into the living
room from upstairs.

LEVI
What up, yall? What do you think
of the new TV?
OLLIE
Its fantastic, except for all the
buttons. Levi--you have degree in
chemistry. Why dont you use your
chemistry to make this TV less
smart and much more stupider?

LEVI
Chemistry doesnt do that.
OLLIE
Well then why dont you use your
chemistry to get a job and pay some
rent around here?
LEVI
Well. Thats probably a good idea.
But I think Im just gonna keep on
living here rent free with no job.

OLLIE
You know, if you wasnt me best
mate and the brother I grew up with
in Australia, I probably wouldnt
like that comment.

CARLA
Ollie. How many times do I have to
remind you? Levi is not your
brother. Hes my brother. Thats
why he doesnt have an Australian
accent.
OLLIE
Whatever. Who cares whos whose
brother?! Im not a gynecologist!

LEVI
You mean a genealogist?
 4.

OLLIE
Whatever. I dont need to use the
right word. After all--Im not a
linguine.

LEVI
You mean a linguist?
OLLIE
Whatever! I said, I dont need to
use the right word!

CARLA
(to Levi)
By the way, Levi. Were gonna leave
for mom and dads house tomorrow
morning at 11.

LEVI
That sounds early. I mean, Im
planing to go to a club tonight,
and then come back here with a
drunk woman at 2:45 am.

RILEY
Uncle Levi. How come you go to
clubs so much? Whats so great
about clubs?

LEVI
Well. The women there are drunk.
And they come back to your place at
2:45 am.
CARLA
Levi. If youre gonna hang out in
some club, at least try to find
a respectable woman there.
OLLIE
That sounds like a lot of work. I
mean, its hard to find a drunk,
respectable woman.
CARLA
Well how about you find a sober,
respectable woman?

LEVI
Because Im going to a club. Not a
library.
 5.

OLLIE
Oy! Dont knock the library, Levi!
The library has plenty of drunk
women. After all, I met me wife at
a library--and she was very drunk!
CARLA
Thats not true, Ollie. You met me
at a Walmart. And I was only a
little drunk.
OLLIE
Get the waffles, woman!
CARLA
You ate every waffle in this house
yesterday!
LEVI
Ill bring home some waffles on my
way back.

CARLA
Thank you, Levi.
LEVI
Uh. But can I have an advance on my
allowance?
CARLA
Sure. Just take the money out of my
purse.

LEVI
Great. Thanks.
He takes $100 out of a purse lying on a table.

LEVI
Alright. Bye.
He exits.
OLLIE
Riley. How do I use the smartness
of this TV?
RILEY
You click on HBO or Netflix, and
then you go to any show or movie
they have. You can even watch,
like, a whole season of a show, all
at once. Its called binge
watching.
 6.

OLLIE
How is that smart TV? Only a
complete idiot would watch one
season of a show in one sitting.
CARLA
Well then its probably right up
your alley, Ollie.

OLLIE
Go get the waffles, woman!

INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Ollie is watching TV. CARLA (40) enters.

CARLA
Uh. Ollie. How come you didnt come
to bed last night?

OLLIE
I was binge watching Entourage. Im
up to season three.
CARLA
Congratulations. Are you out of
your mind?
OLLIE
Listen, Lloyd. I dont have time to
chit chat! I gotta see what Vince
is up to.
LEVI (35) walks out of the kitchen holding two waffles.
CARLA
Levi--are you getting ready?

LEVI
Yeah.
CARLA
Well wheres your bag?

LEVI
Why would I need a bag to go back
upstairs and have breakfast and sex
with the woman in my room?

CARLA
What are you talking about? Were
going to mom and dads house.
 7.

LEVI
Oh. When you said, "Are you getting
ready?" I thought you meant, "Are
you getting ready to go back
upstairs and have breakfast and sex
with the woman in your room?"
CARLA
Why the hell would I ask that? I
meant, "Are you ready to leave for
mom and dads house?"

LEVI
No. Let me go get packed.
He goes upstairs.

CARLA
Ollie--stop watching that damn
show.
OLLIE
I cant talk right now, Lloyd!
Were about to close deal for
Medellin.
CARLA
You can pause the show.

OLLIE
Oy! Im binge watching, mate! The
rules of binge watching say that
youre not allowed to pause the
video, or blink.

Levi and comes back down the stairs with a BROOKE (30). Hes
also holding a plastic bag containing some clothes.
LEVI
OK. Im ready. Oh--this is my
friend Brooke. Brooke--this is my
sister Carla.
CARLA
Hi.

BROOKE
Hi.
(to Levi)
Wow, Donatello. You must be a
really good brother. I mean, you
let your sister live here at your
house.
 8.

LEVI
Actually, this is her house. I live
here with her family.

BROOKE
You told me you were a real estate
tycoon.
LEVI
That was a little white lie.
BROOKE
How is that a little white lie?
LEVI
Well. I expanded the definition of
"little white lie" to include any
lie I tell a woman so shell sleep
with me. So, yeah. Some of the
stuff I told you last night falls
under that category.

BROOKE
Well, last night you told me you
were Leonardo DiCaprios brother
Donatello.

LEVI
That was a little white lie. My
name is Levi Watson--not Donatello
DiCaprio.

BROOKE
You also told me that you shower
ten times a week.
LEVI
That was also a little white lie. I
shower four times a week. But I was
being honest when I said that I
have a PhD in chemistry.
BROOKE
You never mentioned that.

LEVI
Right. Yeah. Because I didnt think
it would help me get laid.
(Later)

Ollie is still watching Entourage. Carla, Levi, and Riley

are standing by the door. There are a couple of small
suitcases near them.
 9.

CARLA
Ollie. The three of us are leaving
for my parents house. Well be
back tomorrow night.

OLLIE
The gym, Lloyd! The gym!

INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Ollie is still watching TV. Carla, Levi, and Riley enter.

Ollie continues watching TV.
CARLA
Ollie. Were home.

OLLIE
I dont have time to chat! Vince is
about to get out of rehab, and I
need to finish reading the script
for Aquaman 3. Im up to the part
where Aquaman plays table tennis
with a gay fish.
CARLA
Have you been watching the same
show for 48 hours straight?

OLLIE
Everyone does it, Lloyd! Its
called binge watching!
CARLA
Its called an addiction. Youre
addicted to Entourage.
RILEY
(to Ollie)
Why cant you be addicted to a good
show, like I Love Lucy, or Thats
My Mama?
OLLIE
Itm not addicted to anything. You
cant be addicted to crack, if you
finish all the crack that there is.

CARLA
Well how much more crack do you
have to do?
 10.

OLLIE
Seven episodes.
CARLA
Fine.

INT HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY

Carla is awake in bed. She wakes Ollie up.

CARLA
Ollie. Get up. Youre gonna be late
for work.
OLLIE
I dont work at the factory
anymore, Lloyd. I switched careers.
CARLA
To what?
OLLIE
Im an agent now--like Ari Gold of
Entourage.
CARLA
Ari Gold is a fictional character.

OLLIE
No hes not. Hes based on a Bob
Sagets actual agent.
CARLA
Bob Saget?

OLLIE
Yeah. Before Bob Saget met that
agent, he was just some unknown
actor, and he was still using his
real name. This was right before
Full House.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

(Flashback Scene)
A young BOB SAGET is sitting across from an AGENT.
AGENT
So youre looking for a new agent?
 11.

BOB SAGET
Yeah.
AGENT
Whats your name?

BOB SAGET
Bob Sutherfucker.
AGENT
Bob Sutherfucker? You gotta change
that name. It sounds too much like
Bob Motherfucker.
BOB SAGET
Well if Im not gonna be Bob
Sutherfucker, then who should I be?

AGENT
How about you change your name to
Bob Socksucker, or Bob Saget?
BOB SAGET
Bob Saget?
AGENT
Yeah.
BOB SAGET
Well. Its better than Bob
Sutherfuker. So how are you gonna
get me acting jobs?
AGENT
Well, Bob Saget. ABC is looking for
someone to star in a new cheesy
family sitcom called Full House.
BOB SAGET
Oh. Great. You can get me an
audition?
AGENT
Audition? No--thats not how you
get cast in a cheesy family sitcom.
(on speakerphone /intercom)
Lloyd--get me a video camera and
some Rocky Road ice cream.
 12.

INT. 1980S ABC OFFICE - DAY

ABCS PRESIDENT (male, 45) is talking to an ABC EXECUTIVE
(male, 40).
1980S ABC PRESIDENT
Im thinking of moving MacGyver
over to Wednesday, and then moving
Growing Pains to Tuesday, and then
we can shimmy Mr. Belvedere into
our Monday lineup, and boom---on
Thursdays, well show Make Room for
Daddy.
1980S ABC EXECUTIVE
Thats a fantastic idea--except
Make Room for Daddy was canceled
in 1964.
1980S ABC PRESIDENT
Right.
He snorts some cocaine off of his desk.

ABC EXECUTIVE 2 (male, 40) walks into the room holding a

video tape.
1980S ABC EXECUTIVE 2
You guys gotta see this video.

He puts the tape into a VCR, and everyone watches it. It

shows Bob Saget chocking himself and rubbing his body with
Rocky Road ice cream.
1980S ABC PRESIDENT
This man is a sick son of a bitch,
and he ought to be shot in the head
immediately. Thats why we should
make him the star of our new family
sitcom Full House. Well air the
show on Thursdays--right after Make
Room For Daddy.

INT. HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY

Carla is still talking to Ollie.

CARLA
Well. Good for Bob Sutherfucker and
his agent. But let me ask you this.
How are you gonna find clients?
 13.

OLLIE
Whatever. Ill just do that
internet thing, mate. You
know. Craigslist. Ill post an
advertisement at that place.
CARLA
Ollie. No one looks for agents on
Craigslist.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

MEL GIBSON is talking on the phone.

MEL GIBSON
(on phone)
What do you mean?! ... Well you
know what? Youre fired! Thats
right. Ill find a new agent.

Mel hangs up the phone and gets on his computer.

MEL GIBSON
Lets see. Craigslist. Agent. Ollie
Anderson of San Jose.

INT. CHANGS CHEESE SANDWICH SHOP - DAY

Ollie is sitting at a table with Mel Gibson.
OLLIE
So. Lets talk business, mate
MEL GIBSON
Why are we having this meeting in a
cheese sandwich shop?

OLLIE
Well. This is actually my office.
But I like cheese sandwiches so
much, that I had a cheese sandwich
shop built in my office. Isnt that
impressive?!
MEL GIBSON
It sure is. Most other
superagencies have a fountain in
their office. You have a entire
cheese sandwich shop--with some
Chinaman running the place, and a
sign outside that says "Changs
Cheese Sandwich Shop."
 14.

OLLIE
Youre damn right. So, what brings
you to my superagency?
MEL GIBSON
Well. Im an actor.
OLLIE
Oy! I think I recognize you. Youre
that fellow in Lethal Weapon. The
black fellow with the mustache.

MEL GIBSON
No. Im someone else. Im white and
Australian, and I dont have a
mustache.

OLLIE
Im Australian too, mate. Lets
sing the Australian national
anthem.

BOTH OF THEM
(singing)
Australians all let us rejoice
/ For we are young and free / Weve
golden soil and wealth for toil
/ Our home is girt by sea / We
drink beer and we throw boomerangs
/ We also have a lot of kangaroos
They both break bottles of beer over their heads.
MEL GIBSON
That was great. Now lets talk
business.
OLLIE
Alright, mate. Spit on the sock,
and lay out your narrative.

MEL GIBSON
Well. I havent been getting many
acting roles lately, because of
a little misunderstanding between
me and the public. People heard me
say that Jews are the cause of
every war in human history, and
African American men travel in
packs and rape provocatively
dressed women. And now, for some
reason, everyones spreading rumors
that Im some sort of racist.
 15.

OLLIE
I hear you. And I have a top notch
career plan for you.
Levi is sitting at the table next to theirs.

OLLIE
(to Levi)
Lloyd. Im going need a video
camera, and five gallons of Praline
ice cream.
(to Mel Gibson)
Mel--Im going to need you to take
off your shirt.
(Later)

OLLIE
(to Mel Gibson)
Alright. I put the ice cream video
on the internet four minutes ago.
And it already got you one job
offer. Some television show called
Barney the Dinosaur wants you to
play a racist velociraptor.
MEL GIBSON
Well. Id prefer to play characters
who are mammals. Like, maybe an
alpaca, or Othello, or a dolphin.
Or better yet, if they do a remake
of Threes Company, I can play
Chrissy. Let me show you. "Jack! I
just found out that Mr. Roper is a
Jew! Thats why he wants our rent
money."
OLLIE
(turns to Levi, who is still
at the other table)
Lloyd. What the hell is this guy
talking about?
LEVI
Uh. I dont know.

OLLIE
(to Mel Gibson)
Very interesting, Mel. Anything
else?
 16.

MEL GIBSON
No. Not really. By the way--Chrissy
and Janet are both whores, just
like all other women. By the way--I
just moved to San Jose. Are there
any mansions here that I can live
in? Preferably one in the
non-African-American, non-Jewish
part of town.
OLLIE
Oy! Forget mansions. I run a a full
service agency. You know what that
means?
MEL GIBSON
What?

OLLIE
That means you can live at me
house.
(turns to Levi)
Right, Lloyd?

LEVI
I guess. But does that mean youre
gonna have Mel Gibson sleep in my
room?

OLLIE
Of course not. I run a full service
agency.

INT. HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Carla and Ollie are in bed.

CARLA
Ollie. Did you take out the trash?

OLLIE
No. Thats womens work.
CARLA
One more question. Why is Mel
Gibson sleeping on the floor next
to our bed?
Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.
 17.

OLLIE
Hes my new client. And I run a
full service agency, mate.
CARLA
Youre representing Mel Gibson?
OLLIE
Affirmative.
CARLA
Um, but--you know.
MEL GIBSON
What? What does he know?
CARLA
Well. The thing.
MEL GIBSON
What thing?
CARLA
... Nothing.
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a whore.
OLLIE
Now, Mel. Weve had this discussion
before. You cant go around calling
women whores. You can call them
idiots. But not whores.

MEL GIBSON
You would say something like that,
you Jew son of a bitch.
OLLIE
Im not Jewish.

MEL GIBSON
My agent has to be a Jew. Jews are
great agents.
OLLIE
Im Jewish.

MEL GIBSON
You would say something like that,
you Jew son of a bitch.
 18.

INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Carla is alone in the living room. Mel Gibson walks in.

MEL GIBSON
Wheres your Jew husband?
CARLA
Um. I guess he went to work.

MEL GIBSON
Right. Yeah. Well, maybe Ill go
down to his office and get a cheese
sandwich.

Ollie walks in with CASSANDRA (25).

OLLIE
(to Carla and Mel)
Carla. Mel. Say hello to me new
client, Cassandra Kardashian. Shes
a Kardashian sister.
CARLA
Shes sisters with Kim Kardashian?
OLLIE
No. But her last name really is
Kardashian, and she has sisters. So
I have the legal first amendment
right to say that shes a
Kardashian sister.

MEL GIBSON
She sounds like a whore.
OLLIE
Shes not a whore. I mean, its not
like a found her at a whorehouse.

CARLA
Where did you find her?
OLLIE
At a crackhouse. I just walked into
a crackhouse, and I said, "Are
there any Kardashian sisters here?"
And Khloe Kardashian said yes,
Cassandra said yes, and Gary Busey
said yes. And Cassandra signed with
me. Where the hell is Lloyd?
(calls out)
Lloyd!
 19.

CARLA
I though I was Lloyd.
Levi walks out of the kitchen.
LEVI
What is it?
TRUMAN
Lloyd. This is our new client,
Cassandra Kardashian.

LEVI
Hello, Miss Kardashian. Were
thrilled to have you here at the
Oliver Anderson agency. Can I get
you a drink?

CASSANDRA
(Russian accent)
Yes. I would like one large glass,
containing one ice cube, and 17
shots of vodka.

OLLIE
(to Carla)
Isnt she great? She drinks almost
as much as I do. Im gonna convince
everyone that shes Kim
Kardashians sister.
CARLA
Ollie. People arent gonna believe
shes sisters with Kim Kardashian,
if if she has a Russian accent.

OLLIE
(to Levi)
Lloyd. Were gonna have to train
Cassandra to drop the Russian
accent, and develop a Kardashian
accent.
LEVI
No problem.
(to Cassandra)
Repeat after me, Miss Kardashian.
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
I love to eat Kit Kats.
Cassandras "Kardashian accent" gets better and better as
the episode progresses.
 20.

CASSANDRA
I love to eat Kitty Kats.

LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
I love to eat Kit Kats.
CASSANDRA
I love to eat Kit Kats.

LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
I get letters from little girls,
begging me to adopt them.

CASSANDRA
I get letters from little girls,
begging me to adopt them.
LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
Khloe--you have a better looking
vagina than I thought.
CASSANDRA
Khloe--you have a better looking
vagina than I thought.

LEVI
Very good. Now we need you to start
dating a black man.
A BLACK MAN walks in.

BLACK MAN
Im a black man.

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Later)
Carla is seated at a sofa with five WOMEN, and everyones
holding a copy of the same book.

CARLA
I thought Megans obsession with
the envelope was a metaphor for the
way people crave glory and seek it.
WOMAN
You know, this is a really good
book club. I feel so intellectual
when Im here.
 21.

Cassandra walks downstairs and into the living room. Shes

smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing but a bra and
panties. She walks through the living room and into the
kitchen.

WOMAN 2
Who was that?
CARLA
That was my, uh--shes here as part
of a cultural exchange program.

WOMAN
Why was she half naked?
CARLA
Shes, uh--shes from Iceland, so,
uh, this 55 degree weather is
really hot to her.
WOMAN
Oh. Um. I guess that makes sense.

Mel Gibson is standing near them.

MEL GIBSON
You sound like a goldigger.
WOMAN
Uh.
(to Carla)
Is that Mel Gibson?
MEL GIBSON
What are you reading?
(looks at her books cover)
The Quest? Sounds like a book
written by a Jew.
WOMAN
(to Carla)
You know what? I, um--I gotta go. I
have to, um, pick up my fiance from
the airport.
MEL GIBSON
Cause youre a golddigger! Thats
why you got engaged! I can see it
in your eyes! A lust for a mans
gold.
She runs out of the house.
 22.

Cassandra walks back into the room holding a bottle of

vodka. She sits down with the remaining women.
CASSANDRA
(to Woman 3)
I love to eat Kit Kats.

WOMAN 3
Um. OK.
CASSANDRA
(to Woman 2)
You have a better looking vagina
than I thought.
WOMAN 2
Um. Thank you.

MEL GIBSON
I havent seen your vagina yet. Im
pretty sure I can smell it, though.
I can smell it from here. Cause
youre a whore!

INT. WACO HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Carla and Ollie are in bed.

CARLA
Ollie. We need to talk about you
know who and you know who.
OLLIE
Who?

CARLA
You know who. Those two people. The
two you know whos.

Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.

MEL GIBSON
Wait a second. Am I one of the you
know whos?

CARLA
No, Mel Gibson. Youre not.
MEL GIBSON
And what about Princess Kardashian
over there?
 23.

Cassandra is also sleeping on the floor, but on the opposite

side of the bed.
CARLA
Shes not one of the you know whos,
either.
MEL GIBSON
Im pretty sure shes a prostitute.
CASSANDRA
No Im not.
MEL GIBSON
Then how come I offered you $200
for sex?

CASSANDRA
How come I said no?
MEL GIBSON
Because youre trying to negotiate
for more money--just like a whore.
CARLA
Will you shut up?!
CASSANDRA
Carla--you have a better looking
vagina than I thought.
CARLA
Both of you, please just be quiet!
Im trying to talk to Ollie. About
the two you know whos who are
sleeping in our bedroom.
OLLIE
The two you know whos? You mean me
and you?

CARLA
No. The other you know whos.
MEL GIBSON
Wait. Are you sure you mean two you
know whos? Maybe youre talking
about a very large pack of
African-Americans.
CARLA
Im not talking about a pack of
African-Americans.
 24.

MEL GIBSON
You dont have to use the term
"African-Americans." You can say
"(bleeped n-word)." Im the only
one who has to say
"African-Americans." Because the
Jews are censoring me.
CARLA
Ollie. Are you getting a sense of
why I want the two you know whos
out of our house?
OLLIE
... You mean Lenny and Squiggy?
CARLA
Lenny and Squiggy are not in our
house!

INT. ABC OFFICE - DAY

ABC PRESIDENT 2 is rearranging time slots on a board.

ABC PRESIDENT 2
OK. Im thinking of moving Joe Joe
the Janitor over to Wednesday, and
then well show Black Man, Red
Mustache on Fridays, and we can
have Plumbers in Outer Space on
Mondays, and we can show Fallopian
Tubular Surfer Dudettes on
Tuesdays.

ABC EXECUTIVE 3
Um. That sounds good. Except none
of those things you just named are
actual TV shows.

ABC PRESIDENT 2
Oh.
He snorts a line of cocaine off of his desk.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
Well in that case, lets just show
Wheel of Fortune and Dancing with
the Stars 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week.
 25.

ABC EXECUTIVE 4
Thats a genius idea.
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
You know, words on the street is
that NBC is gonna put together a
new sitcom starring you know
who and you know who.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
Who?

ABC EXECUTIVE 3
You know.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
Right.

They all snort a line of cocaine.

ABC PRESIDENT 2
Now its time for us to do our
eight hours a day of research,
a.k.a. TV watching.
They turn on a TV and start watching it.

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Mel Gibson is playing Monopoly with Levi and Cassandra.

Carla is also in the room. Mel Gibson rolls the dice and
moves his piece onto a property.
LEVI
You owe me $8.
MEL GIBSON
Is that all I am to you? A meal
ticket? $8 here, $8 there. You just
want my money! Admit it!

LEVI
I admit nothing, Mel! Im just
doing legitimate business, and I
want my $8 in rent.

MEL GIBSON
Oh--blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah!
(throws some bills at Levi))
Here! Heres your $8, Lloyd! Take
it! I dont respect money! Im a
(MORE)
 26.

MEL GIBSON (contd)

man of integrity! But you--you
wouldnt know integrity if it were
staring you right in the face!
Ollie walks in with MONTAVIUS (25, black).
OLLIE
OK, everyone. This is my new
client, Montavius Baldwin.
CARLA
Damn it, Ollie. Enough clients. Go
back to work at the factory. Or
anywhere. Close your agency, and
get Mel Gibson, Cassandra
Kardashian, and Montavius Baldwin
out of here.
OLLIE
Honey--are you crazy? Montavius
Baldwin is a Baldwin brother.
MONTAVIUS
Im an only child.
OLLIE
But youre black--so that means
youre a brother. You know what Im
saying, brotha?
MONTAVIUS
Youre fired.
He walks out.
Close up on Carla.

CARLA
Ollie--if youre not gonna get an
actual job, can you at least not
throw peanut shells everywhere?
Ollie is eating peanuts and throwing the shells everywhere.

OLLIE
Oy! I dont have time to put peanut
shells in a trash can. Im in
showbusiness! I got work to do! I
gotta do research, so I know whats
going on in the industry.
He sits down, watches TV, and continues to eat peanuts and
throw the shells.
 27.

CARLA
Youre watching TV.
TRUMAN
In showbusiness, watching TV counts
as doing research. And snorting
cocaine counts as taking a vitamin
supplement.
MEL GIBSON
Thats true.

He snorts a line of cocaine off of the board game.

(ON TV) INT. ROOM - DAY

(Commercial / Sitcom Promo)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Coming soon on NBC. Bob Saget. Mel
Gibson. And introducing, Cassandra
Kardashian. In Not Wheel of
Fortune.
BOB SAGET
I wonder if John Stamos still waxes
his chest.

CASSANDRA
Me, too.
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a golddigger.

CASSANDRA
You sound like a drunk, sexist,
racist asshole.
BOB SAGET
Man. This really isnt Wheel of
Fortune.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Not Wheel of Fortune. Premiering
this Thursday, on NBC.
 28.

INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

CARLA
Uh. Ollie. How did you get your
clients a network sitcom?
OLLIE
Isnt it obvious, woman?! I, uh...
dont know. I just stuck with the
ice cream strategy. And now my
clients are on TV.
CARLA
Well. Youre gonna make a lot of
money. I mean, network sitcom
actors make at least 50 grand a
week.
OLLIE
(to Mel Gibson)
Hey. Great job on that sitcom, Mel.
Youre gonna be a big star. Now
give me my 10% commission, you son
of a bitch.
MEL GIBSON
Well. Youll have to talk to my
agent.
OLLIE
Im your agent.
Ari Gold walks in with his assistant LLOYD.

ARI GOLD
I dont think so, motherfucker!
CARLA
Who the hell are you?

ARI GOLD
Lloyd. Tell her who I am.
LLOYD
(to Carla)
Hes Ari Gold
ARI GOLD
Im Ari Gold. Agent to the stars.
Stars like Mel Gibson, Cassandra
Kardashian, and Bob Motherfucking
Saget. Thats how we do things in
show-business, baby.
 29.

OLLIE
You steal clients?
ARI GOLD
Yes.

OLLIE
Oh yeah?!
ARI GOLD
Yeah.

OLLIE
Thats it!
Ollie punches Ari Gold, Lloyd, Mel Gibson, and Cassandra
Kardashian in the face, one after another. He then walks up
to Carla.
OLLIE
(to Carla)
Well. You heard him. He said
"yeah." I guess thats that.

CARLA
Um. Judging by the way you said,
"Oh yeah?!" and you punched
everyone in the face, I figured
youd fight to get your clients
back.
OLLIE
Not really. I mean, the thing is, I
guess Im not really the showbiz
type. I mean, it seems all
glamorous when youre binge
watching Entourage for two days
straight. But when it comes down to
it, showbiz isnt such a great
industry. And furthermore, Bob
Saget is a real motherfucker.
Bob Saget is snorting cocaine on the floor right next to
everyone. He stops snorting.
BOB SAGET
Thats true.
THE END