Name Charlie Birnbaum

Period 5Date 1/7/16

Why you Always Lion?

Simba the Lioness was disliked by her entire pride because of the fact, that she was
younger than the rest of them, and therefore wasnt allowed to go on their hunts. She was
angered by their jubilant grins, and so she walked far away from them into the mud swamps.
Helga hoped that she would find a more accepting home in the swamps. She walked for
several days and nights, trudging through the mud until she saw a strange figure through the
fog.
Startled, she stammered, Hello, is anyone there?.
A strange voice repeated back, Hello, is anyone there?.
As Simba drew closer, she noticed that the voice through the mist was none other than
Polly the Vulture. He was known as one of the most confused character in all of their
community. The vulture was strange enough to think that it was a parrot which caused it to do
things like repeat peoples words and constantly try to fly on animals shoulders. However, if the
vulture was around then there must be food around, Simba thought. She walked through the
mud forward before seeing a single old fat zebra in the mud, with its nose in the air and walking
with a skip in its step. Simba the Lioness could finally prove to everyone back in her pride that
she could catch some prey
Simba was filled with anxiety in her head, thinking of all the possible outcomes where
she failed. The vulture flew all around the scene as the fog got thicker. Simba crouched in the
tall grass, waiting.
She said to herself, This time Im gonna get it
The vulture repeated loudly, This time Im gonna get it, before flying back and forth
through the nearby trees. The zebra looked over as the lion pounced forwards and moved out
of the way from the lions grip propelling Simba into the mud.
The sly zebra looked gleefully at the majestic beast slain by the mud and said, Why are
you LION there.. Simba tried to get back up again, thinking second times the charm! However,
Simba once again fell and growled, I will kill you!!!.
Fine, I will be simba-thetic, but I dont understand what you mane. the zebra said.
Simba was growing more angry as the zebra kept on trying to include his horrible puns in every
sentence. Then the zebra trotted away happily, while the lioness lay disabled by the slippery
mud.

REQUIREMENTS RATING Editor #1 Editor #2 Self Edit Suggestions

Suggestions Suggestions
Neil Andrew
Interesting but relevant title 1 2 3 4 5 3 I believe that my title
3 Title not is not entirely relevant
relevant

Effective narrative hook as 1 2 3 4 5 4

first paragraph I think I hooked the
4 3 ready through
interesting content
however, I havent

Original plot 1 2 3 4 5 5 5
5

Well-developed plot that 1 2 3 4 5 4 3

includes Exposition, Rising
Action, Climax, Falling
Action, and Resolution

Protagonist and antagonist 1 2 3 4 5 5

correctly identified by 3
behavior and description. Protagonists and
antagonists werent
clear

Concluding sentence(s) 1 2 3 4 5 2 Doesnt provide 0

provide a sense of a resolution
resolution

Character(s) are 1 2 3 4 5 4 3
appropriately developed

Shows instead of tells 1 2 3 4 5 0

3
Not a lot of detail
Strong verbs and adjectives 1 2 3 4 5 0
3
Mediocre verbs
and adjectives

Clear setting that invokes a 1 2 3 4 5 3 4

definite mood Define the setting
more

Clear point of view (can 1 2 3 4 5 5

easily tell if 1st person, 3rd 5
person limited, or 3rd
person omniscient)

Effective dialogue with clear 1 2 3 4 5 3

tags and description. 4

Suspense keeps the reader 1 2 3 4 5 0

interested
2 Very little
suspense

Story has purpose (theme) 1 2 3 4 5 0

and does not drag on. Story 3 No clear point
comes to a point

All parts of the story are 1 2 3 4 5 5

appropriately explained:
African Savannah
Thirsty zebra goes 5
to water hole alone
Zebra is old, wise,
fat
Two trees near the
water
Vulture sits in one
of two trees
Zebra looks, drinks,
looks again
Lioness nearby in
grass
Cant find good
time to pounce
 Vulture makes
noise, flaps to tree
#2
Zebra is distracted
Lioness charges
Zebra side steps
Lioness face-plants
Zebra runs back to
herd
Lion goes back into
grass to clean up
Vulture sits in tree
#2 to wait for
another chance at
food/better hunter

Grammar & formatting 1 2 3 4 5 1

errors are not a distraction
from overall effectiveness 5

What are the strengths of this piece? Be clear and specific.

Strengths of the piece are: Original plot, engaging to the reader

On what areas should the author focus his/her revision? Be clear and specific.
Plot needs to be clear
Story needs more detail