Contents

p6 With this Ring I Thee Wed

p9
6 With this Ring I thee Wed
9 Passion for Souls Passion for Souls

11 Tips for Investing in Your wife

14 Issues of the Heart
18 How to know your ring size
20 Terror in Parsonage
24 Lighting your Office
26 Incest Unveiled p11 5 Tips for Investing in Your wife

29 The Good Samaritan

Editorial ............................................................4
31 Last Man Standing Letters ............................................................... 5
Editorial Board .................................................. 4
35 Third Parties in Marriage Short Story..................................................... 28

38 Wisdom Diray

Real Relationships | 3
 Taking
to another level!

W
elcome to this edition of Real Re-
lationships. I dare say it arrived
just when you were thinking you
couldn’t hold your breath any lon-
ger, right? My dear, you are not alone – we too
have been waiting anxiously to reach you. And
voila! Here we are. Since our last edition, God
has caused many wonderful things to happen for
us, which we will roll out to you in due course.
For this edition, we have put together such a sizzling
cocktail of great stories for your indulgence, you
will be so delighted. However, before going further,
I’d like to say, “Hello there! It’s a pleasure to finally
meet you!” I know you are probably wondering
who this new face is and all that. Well, wonder no
more. You see, very recently, our Editor-in-Chief,
Dr. Uvoh Onoriobe, invited me to join this great
circle as the Sub-Editor. And, it is with honor and a
deep sense of humility, that I have accepted the in-
vitation. I am anxious to go to work for you; but, at
the same time, I must confess that I am somewhat
nervous at the moment. You know, meeting you
for the first time, you meeting me, somewhat like a
first date, yadi yadi yada, until happily ever after….
Well, as I prepared for the task ahead, I was think-
ing to myself, what am I going to say the first time
and how am I going to say it? I’m sure you know
how much we have to be politically correct these
days (wink wink!). Well, after much thought and
much ado about nothing really, it struck me – I
finally got it! I’m going to just be myself and let
the rest unfold as it may. Come to think of it, isn’t
that how real relationships ought to be? So then,
what’s with all the camouflage that we put up daily
in our relationships? Are we being true in our deal-
ings with others; and especially, are we being true
to ourselves? When people get to know us for who
we really are, will they still be willing to be with or
around us? Others may not know us well but, our
Father in Heaven knows us from the inside out, and
we should always strive to do right by Him, dealing
with everyone fairly and openly according to His will.
As you read through these articles, my wish is that
you will glean a thing or two from the experiences
of these characters, and also pass them on to people
around you. Additionally, as you read through, you
will see that this is one edition (like all the oth-
ers) that you’ll want to keep around for a very long
while. For those that are blessed to be married cou-
ples, you definitely shouldn’t miss the provoking
sections crafted for you – wives, pay particular at-
tention to the things your husbands want from you.
Husbands likewise, pay particular attention to the
tips for investing in your wives. Practice! Practice!!
Practice!!! With a few sprinkles of communication,
mutual understanding, and some TLC here and there,
your relationships will flourish (again) with allur-
ing blooms, just like it was before you said “I do!”
Finally, on behalf of the entire team here at Real
Relationships, I thank you for inviting us into
your homes and work places – we have been
very encouraged by your continued support. Re-
member, you are very special to us and we value
your readership, for we couldn’t do this with-
out you! Please continue to send us your com-
ments, as we enjoy reading from you as well.
Until next time, take time to be a blessing to
others around you, who are less fortunate!
Especially Yours,
T. Fejiro Kalu, Esq
Sub-Editor

Statement of Purpose
Real Relationships is about lives torn apart by life’s many experiences. It is our vision to provide an
avenue (through the print and electronic media) where the hurting, the depressed, the frustrated and
confused can find acceptance, healing, hope, forgiveness and encouragemant. It is our vision to help
believers discover and maximise God’s purpose for their lives.

4 | Real Relationships

I have been an ardent reader of your magazine Real
Relationships. But, all through this year (2007), I
have not seen a copy of it. I just wanted to find out
if you have stopped producing it or how I can sub-
scribe to it for 2008. Hoping to hear from you soon.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas. Thanks so much.
Joseph A. Iyongo
I read the edition of Real Relationships with the
picture of the Ndifons. As I opened it, from the
first page to the very end, every word affected
my life for God. It came right on time, minister-
ing to my need then. I don’t think I can ever re-
cover from the impact made. I’m a better man to-
day. May God continue to prosper this good work.
Ammeh O.A. Asaba
I am a fresh graduate of the Dept of Accountancy.
I’m also into youth and children ministries. I love
reading and writing. Actually, it’s a hobby, and I
have always been interested in being a writer some-
day. Presently, I have some articles of my own which
I believe will be of interest and benefit to the nu-
merous readers of Real Relationships. Most of them
are aimed at giving hope and encouragement to de-
pressed people, who have given up hope as a result of
past or broken or sour relationships. They are mate-
rials of healing and restoration, focusing on youth.
They’re also based on practical, everyday issues. I
would love to write for your magazine and be a part
of the great work God is doing through you people.
I anticipate a favorable reply through my telephone
number or my e mail address. Remain Blessed.
Adikema, Elizabeth
Let t ers
My name is Amayo Precious, and I am respond-
ing to the advert placed in the latest edition of
Real Relationships, for writers to call this number
– 0803 391 5856. But, the number has not been
responding. I am a writer and I am very much in-
terested in writing for Real Relationships but, I
don’t know the number to call or who to meet.
Please I will be very glad if my letter is replied and
I am well guided or directed to the right person or
given the appropriate number to call. Thank you.
Amayo, Precious
Hey! Good work guys. I love your editions of
Real Relationships – very informative and inspir-
ing. I write a lot; it’s what I know I was born to
do. From your magazine, I read that I could make
money by writing… how? What do I need to do?
Ese Okagbare
I wish to apply to your ad for writers in your re-
cent copy of Real Relationships, Vol.1 No.9. I am
a Christian with ECWA headquarters in Jos; I’m
hardworking and imaginative. Once given a topic,
theme, and a preferred angle, I can work with it
to develop inspiring, funny, and straight litera-
ture. I have enclosed a sample of what I recently
started working on, a series I call “Building The
Greatest Relationship,” with the topic “When The
Glory Is Not His.” I hope you enjoy this extract.
Thank you.
Kio, Victoria

Editorial Board
Editor-in-Chief: Dr Uvoh Onoriobe
Editor: Atinuke Hanson
Sub-Editor: Fejiro Kalu Esq
Series Editor: Dr Stanley Okugbo
Senior Writer: Dr Omokhoa Adeleye
Production Manager: Igho Efekemo
Advert Executive: Chichi Onoriobe
Circulation Manager: Patrick Asikie
Art Director: Naomi Fergusson
Graphics: ::n graphic + web
Cover Photograph: Getty Images
Photography: StockXpert, StockXchange, iStock
Publishers: Plumbline Communications

Nigerian Office
25 Marconi Road Palmgrove Estate, Lagos, Nigeria | P.O Box 53037 Ikoyi Lagos, Nigeria
US Office
6003B Landmark Drive, Charlotte, NC 28270
email: editor@realrelationshipsmag.com | website: www.realrelationshipsmag.com

Real Relationships | 5
 By Dr Stanley Okugbo
M
arriage has been variously said to start
after the wedding ceremony. However,
many spend more time preparing for
the ceremony than for the union. This
is a human frailty seeking to plan yet, unwittingly
planning to fail. Man is incurably optimistic and trust-
ing, while at the same time sowing seeds of distrust.
We learn from other people’s mistakes by making
our own. We substitute form for structure; facts for
truth; hope for plans. When we perceive a problem
we devise laws, when we are confronted with flaws
in the system we devise even more laws. We even
expect the law to police us and implement itself.
In the marriage contract, convention has been
paramount even more so than vows. Vows were
brought in to promote religious cultural eth-
ics and values in a bid to force conformity to ac-
cepted religious/cultural values and principles.
This has necessitated the wedding ceremony.
I remember the first time a friend told me that the
wedding ceremony was unimportant and that the
pledges or vows could be taken before any wit-
ness without the need for conventional standards.
6 | Real Relationships
I remember being vehemently opposed to this idea
then and still am, though not so vehemently now.
The marriage vows themselves mean nothing with-
out the persons taking them. They are not impor-
tant, as they are perceived. If they are not based on
principles and values deeply rooted in our psyche
and disposition, they are as useless as reciting “Twin-
kle, Twinkle Little Star” on that day! How many
really understand the pledges they affirm on their
wedding day? Among those who even have an in-
sight into the oath, many make it knowing full well
they plan to break it, even from the wedding day.
After the fanfare comes the tedious, daily routine
of living together. In this circumstance, feelings
are not as important as hard facts and realities.
Love transforms from the flustering of the heart
to the daily decisions we make. Its basis removes
from the outward beauty to the inner worth of
the spouse. Love transforms from a response to a
cause to a spontaneous, deliberate exercise pur-
sued with vigor irrespective of the nuances of the
spouse. To say, “I LOVE YOU” is not to declare a
feeling but, a decision. However, many prefer the
flimsy, fleeting, whimsical prodding of an emotion
that is unreliable as “Chemistry,” and so, fail to
find love, for feelings are only the effect of a deci-
sion! To Love and to cherish from this day forth!
“I take thee…”
Marriage is a union of personalities, and if you
do not know your own self you cannot expect to
know your spouse. Who are you? You understand
yourself by locating yourself in the purpose of God
and finding your cause in life and fulfilling it. No
two people who are purposeless or jobless should
ever get married. That is the recipe for failure.
You must know yourself enough to know what you
want from life. What you want to become, your place
in God’s plan and purpose for man. This need not be
very specific as it is not an academic idea; however,
you should generally understand what you are about
and where you are going in life. This will help you
to find a companion, a fellow pilgrim to walk that
‘path’ with you. Marriage will not help you to know
yourself. It will only reflect on the frailties, failures,
and confusion when you do not know yourself.
Conversely, you should understand and know
your spouse; at least well enough to know the
principles that govern his/her life. If he/she has
no scrapples, no conscience…, you should be well
aware before marriage. If he/she is purposeless,
confused, jobless, etc., you should help discover
their purpose long before marriage, as rushing
into marriage will only lead to disillusionment.
Love is not blind, it suits but covers. It knows but
understands and seeks the good for its spouse.
Here again, abuse may have its beginning in igno-
rance in how to satisfy the spouse, whether sexu-
ally, emotionally, or otherwise. If the spouse does
not receive sexual fulfillment in the marriage, he/
she might seek it elsewhere. Sex is good when the
partner is satisfied; otherwise it becomes a boring
act between the two. Yet, there are people who are
chronic philanderers, who seek sexual and emo-
tional fulfillment outside the matrimonial home.
These are advertisers with a taste and desire for
the illicit. They are not Christians but, people with
ripe minds supposing gain for godliness. They are
first, fornicators then they transform to adulterers.
Nothing is sacred to them but their lusts. They can-
not be reasoned with, they can only be reformed
and reformation comes from God, not their spouse.
This is not just a pledge but also, a decision to
the spouse. Is this too difficult? They are only
difficult for self-serving people but, marriage is
not for people who cannot understand any other
than their own selves. In marriage, our primary
desire is to please the spouse; this is even clear-
ly understood by God. 1 Cor. 7. Thus, we try to
please our spouse with any idea we bring up,
any action we contemplate, and plans we make.
This is the only way that two can become one.

“To be my lawful Wedded…’

This is the essence of the ceremony to legalize and
add bite to a decision by the couple who submit
themselves to the marital law. By submitting them-
selves to an unemotional blind empire as the law, the
couple transforms the marriage intent into a contract
with its binding laws, responsibilities, and duties.

“Forsaking all others…”

This is true companionship, when two souls meets
and find love in one another. The unregenerate
man is inherently not trustworthy; however, the
new man has the spirit of love, power, and self-
discipline. 2 Tim.1:7 (NLT). He can be trusted.
This issue of trust or its lack thereof has broken
many marriages. Nothing impugns the marriage
contract as infidelity. It destroys the framework “In sickness and in health…”
of marriage and makes houses of the pact. In This part of the vows has been criticized, revived,
fact, it is the only ground for divorce covered in and modified; yet, many have came back to it.
the scriptures. However, its seeds are sown when Which is the better pledge to say -- “for better or
the couple cannot find solace in one another.
Real Relationships | 7
 best” or “for better or worse?” First, remember
this is a vow, an oath. Thus, to pledge only to stay
when they are good only is a pledge not based on
love but, on selfish values. However, there is an-
other twist to this part of the pledge: to stay with
the spouse in bad and increasingly worsening con-
ditions of life is useless if you don’t join in fight-
ing with your spouse in ill health. To comfort is
only useful if there is no means for cure. Other-
wise, why stay with the spouse if you cannot
sponsor his/her treatment? This, someone might
argue, is implied in the vows; but, that is subject
to conjecture. I think that the best form of vows
should be ‘against sickness, against poverty, etc.’
“With This
Ring…”
This is the symbol
of an undying love,
a complete circle
reflecting an un-
ending love, based
on appreciation of
the spouse. This
is a pledge to love
with everything,
including your
worldly goods. This
is a sour point in
many marriages
today. Many hide their income from their spouse
and would even deprive them of funds for house-
keeping. However, before marriage, they would
be willing to spend and be spent for the spouse.
One of the most common causes of divorce and
wife-beating is money issues. How many consent
to, and actually implement joint accounts? The
basis of distrust rests on selfishness. We feel inun-
dated with the demands of the spouse, our own
expenses notwithstanding. Inflation is a recurring
decimal in our entire yearly budget and it affects
household budgets. Most question the rationale
for another towel, another, pot or even some food-
stuff, which at one time, was considered a necessity.
Who owns the car? Is it yours or ours? Can the wife
claim ownership of the house or even fortune in
8 | Real Relationships
the house? In many cultures where the wife is con-
sidered a property of the husband, this is unthink-
able. Yet, this is the vow we attested to at marriage.
Of course there has been abuse on both sides but, is
that sufficient grounds for people to sign pre-mari-
tal agreements about property and monetary rights?
To these people, love is not just enough for mar-
riage; in fact, it is a distraction. Marriage to them is
a contract between two consenting adults based on
a business agreement. However, there is no better
union than that based on love. Love is a ceremony;
it is a defense, a protective cover for all under its
influence. It is the best assurance of lasting joy and
peace in marriage. Business ideals would not keep
a marriage when
poverty, disease,
or other prob-
lems strike. The
contract would
break, leaving
two bruised peo-
ple (that is, if no
children or wards
are involved;
otherwise, the ef-
fect may be mul-
tiplied into the
next generation).
Love is the
only true basis for marriage; companion-
ship and friendship are only offshoots from it.
“And so help me God!”
Vows will not implement themselves. They are only
guides to keep us on the right track. They are supposed
to strengthen our resolve to do the correct thing. The
final decision to keep them ultimately depends on
us. To forget them or disclaim them is to court fail-
ure in marriage. They can be summarized briefly as:
(i) The man is to love the wife as Christ did the
church.
(ii) The woman is to submit to the husband as the
church to Christ.
Dr Stanley Okugbo is a Consultant Cardio-Thoracic
Surgeon and Series Editor for Real Relationships
Magazine
By Bosede Adelaja
T
he Bible is the instruction manual for
all living beings, especially for us Chris-
tians, whose spirits have been redeemed;
hence we understand the scripture better.
Having a passion for souls to come into reconcili-
ation with their maker is in line with God’s plan
for every living soul. There are many in the valley
of indecision, and we have to help them make the
right decisions. The right decision is always accept-
ing the Lordship of Jesus Christ and becoming His
follower.
Jesus spoke these words: “Go ye therefore….” af-
ter His resurrection from the death. This was a
special time in the life of Jesus; he had overcome
death, He was about to finish His earthly mis-
sion and he was summarizing all He had to say.
It is important to note that Jesus gave this com-
mandment to His disciples, after reassuring them
that the victory is sure. If we are Christ’s disciples,
then this commandment relates to us as well.
Before saying “Go…,” Jesus first mentioned in
Matthew 28:18b that He has all that is required.
He said, “All power is given unto me in heaven
and in earth.” Jesus is sending us to the ends of
the earth based on the understanding that all
power in heaven and earth has been given unto
Him. The all-powerful Savior is sending us. Thus,
there is nothing for us to fear as we go for He
has all that we need, and he has all the answers.
Jesus once said in Mark 3:26 that no one can en-
ter into a strong man’s house and spoil His goods
without first binding the strong man. This same
could be seen here – Jesus first got all the power
on earth. He seized the strong man of this world,
the one who keeps people in darkness and unbe-
lief, and keeps them away from the Savior. Jesus
has already seized the mighty one of this world;
He has seized Satan, ripped him of all power, made
a public shame show of him, and now, Christ is
asking us to go and take the plunder, to go and
gather the harvest, where we did not really labor.
To light the fire of evangelism in us, we must al-
ways remember that leading people to Christ is
a great priority in our Savior’s sight. The Father
sent His only begotten son, thereby showing His
passion, His burden, and His concern for souls.
The Son left the Throne of Glory to come down
to earth to save us from our sins. This also shows
His passion, His burden, and His concern for
souls. It is our turn now, though we do not need
to pay such a high price; yet, we need to keep the
fire of evangelism burning higher and brighter.
All He asks us to do is to go and teach…. He asks
us to go because the harvest is ready and plenteous
but the laborers are few. Jesus is always recruiting
laborers into the field to gather the harvest of souls.
Real Relationships | 9
 We should be part of this and not stay aloof. This
is the real Father’s business, which we should all be
involved in. There are many Christians today, who
are not winning souls for the kingdom. This may
be because they are selfish and they do not have
burden for souls, and/or do not cry for the unsaved
and those who are not established in faith. There
could be no greater happiness than to see a sinner
reconciled with his savior. We are Christ’s ambassa-
dors; God reconciled the world to himself through
us. We are the ones through whom God convinces
the world to turn from
sin to righteousness,
and to get delivered
from the kingdom of
darkness into the king-
dom of His dear Son.
To become real fishers
of men, we must be tru-
ly saved. But, we need
to really know Christ
before we can lead oth-
ers to him. We need to
be filled with the power
of the Holy Spirit. Also,
we need to understand
the misery of shame.
Yet, we should never be
ashamed of doing good,
even if the majority is
against us. It is shame-
ful to do bad things, it
is shameful to sin. It is
shameful to be involved
in the hidden things of
the devil but, it is an
honor and something
worthy of applause and
emulation when we deliver those who are being tak-
en away to destruction, when we deliver the weak,
when we stand in the gap, and when we preach the
gospel and bring multitudes to the light of salva-
tion. We should always have materials like pam-
phlets and tapes, which we can give to the people
we are fishing for. He called us to be fishers of men.
Therefore, let us fish for men! Let us find where the
men are. Let us make ourselves attractive to them
by the fruits of the Holy Spirit observable in us.
Jesus also said, “teach all nations.” He never intends
for us to be hypocrites as we bring God’s awareness to
people. He sent us to all nations – there is no prefer-
ence. Everybody is equally important to him. Every-
body is in need of the Savior. People need the Lord.
Everyone will perish without him. He is the life of
all living. Despite our upbringing, religion, achieve-
ment, race, etc., we need to have a passion to see
people bow down before the Savior and glorify him
with their lives.
10 | Real Relationships
There must be in us a desire to teach people to
observe all the commandments of God. Many
people know the commandments but, not all of
them have the power to observe it. It is only af-
ter a living encounter with Christ that a person
has the power to observe all things by the pow-
er of God that is activated and at work in them.
It is not enough to just lead unbelievers to Christ
by praying the sinner’s prayer or bringing them to a
church. It is equally important to mentor them, get
them baptized, and work with
them until they are ground-
ed and established in faith.
Teaching and mentoring a new
believer will help to release
the power of God in them.
Jesus ended his words by re-
affirming to us that we are
in this together with him.
It is not about us going and
bringing him report, for he is
with us as we go. He is with
us as we teach, baptize, and
mentor new believers. This
should give us the boldness
to go to the end of the world
for Christ. This should ignite
an unusual passion in us to
see multitudes in the world
become saved. We need to
put more effort and funds
into world evangelism, mak-
ing sure we spread the gos-
pel to all parts of the world.
Every Christian should have a
passion for Christ that will later grow into a pas-
sion for souls. Christ has a passion for souls, and
as his followers, the same passion should be seen
in us. We should not be satisfied with our safe
place in Christ. We must invest our lives in bring-
ing many sons and daughters to Christ. Always re-
member that you have all the power to bring as
many people as you want into the kingdom. And
never forget that you are not doing this alone. He
is doing this through you. He is ever with you! Be
ignited, and get excited about what the Lord can
do through you. Have a great vision to use your
short lifespan to bring many into eternal life.
Have a big dream for souls, the harvest is ripe!
Bosede Adelaja along with her husband Sunday,
are Snr Pastors of Embassy of God Church, Ukraine
www.godembassy.org

By Dennis Rainey
W
hen I was twenty and a sophomore in
college, I received a hot investment
tip from a stockbroker. Without get-
ting my dad’s advice, I invested five
hundred dollars in four hundred shares. It couldn’t
go lower than $1.25 per share…or so I thought.
Sometime later my dad found out and suggested
that I use the stock to wallpaper my room! It would
serve as a reminder to invest in stocks that are prov-
en and to get my investment advice from a trust-
worthy authority.
The Scriptures are the best, most proven, and
most authoritative “Investment Tip Sheet” you’ll
ever read. Like having a copy today of the Wall
Street Journal that will be published forty years
from now, the Bible tells you how to invest in
your wife’s life today if you want to experience a
fabulous return in forty years. And, by the way,
as her stock goes up, you will share in the profits!
Your wife needs your creative energies if she is to
become all that God created her to be. To help you
in this area, here are some of the best tips I know for
giving both of you a rich return on your investment.
Tips for
in your
Investment Tip #1:
Treat her as a fully
participating partner.
Today the business world has all kinds of partner-
ships: silent partners, financial partners, equal part-
ners, controlling partners, minority partners, and
more. But in marriage, God intended for us to have
only one kind: a fully participating partnership.
The apostle Peter sets forth the concept of mutual
partnership as he instructs a man to treat his wife
as “a fellow heir of the grace of life.” Although her
function and role as a woman differs from yours
as a man, she has an equal inheritance as a child
of God. When you recognize your wife as a fully
participating partner in your life and marriage,
you build her esteem. If you exclude her from
your life, you devalue her worth as a person and
her identity suffers. Without realizing it, you send
your wife an unmistakably clear signal that says,
“I don’t need you. I can live my life without you.”
Some husbands believe that the most difficult
words to say are: “I love you” or “Will you forgive
me?” But the three-word admission that seems the
Real Relationships | 11
 most threatening of all is, “I need you.” A man
may fear he will lose his wife’s respect if he admits
his need, but I’ve experienced quite the opposite.
When I express my absolute need for Barbara, she
is so built up and encouraged that she is free to
respect me even more. I do not lose my identity
as a man by expressing my dependence on her.
You will make your wife a participating partner in
your life when you tenderly look her in the eyes and
say, “I need you.” Why not make this an experien-
tial reality in your marriage by frequently saying:
“I need you to listen as I talk about what’s trou-
bling me. And I need your perspective on my
problems and your belief in me as a person.”
“I need you to help me become the man God cre-
ated me to be.”
“I want you to have total access into my life.
I need you to keep me honest in areas of my
life in which I could stray from Christ. You may
question me or confront me on any issue.”
“You are the person I most trust with my life.”
“I need you for your advice, judgments, and wise
counsel on decisions I face, especially at work.”
“I need your prayers for a temptation I am facing.”
I want to encourage you to let your wife into the in-
terior of your life. Are you keeping her out of some
12 | Real Relationships
area of your life? Do you tend to act independently
of her in any area, including career or business?
She may be more interested than you think. What
about financial matters? She most likely will offer a
perspective that you need to hear. A difficult office
relationship? Her advice might solve the problem.
Investment Tip #2:
Protect her.
The apostle Peter also exhorts husbands, “You hus-
bands likewise, live with your wives in an under-
standing way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a
woman.” Peter’s emphasis here is on “understand-
ing” because she is a “weaker vessel.” Your wife
wants a man who understands her and her needs.
Your wife needs to feel safe, secure, and protected.
As her husband, it’s up to you to provide that se-
curity. I was reminded of a woman’s need for pro-
tection years ago when I attended a conference.
During the event, a young woman was raped in
her room. Later, when the speaker told the other
conferees what had happened, I noticed an inter-
esting phenomenon. Instinctively, and in unison,
as though led by an orchestra conductor, nearly
every husband in the audience tenderly slid his
arm around his wife. Likewise, almost every wife
slipped closer into his protective embrace. It was
a physical gesture of a woman’s need for safekeep-
ing and a man’s natural desire to protect his wife.
Certainly, you already protect your wife physically.
You wouldn’t think of having it any other way. You
discourage her going out at night if it is dangerous.
You protect her by encouraging her to lock the car
when she goes shopping. You talk about what to do
if a stranger forces his way into the house. And you
provide the kind of security she needs at home for the
times you are away. All these statements and actions
demonstrate that she indeed, is valued and that you
care about what happens to her. But, are you pro-
tecting her from other muggers in her life such as:
Over-scheduling, letting her life get out of balance,
and becoming driven?
Others’ manipulation of her emotions and time?
Her own unrealistic goals or expectations, which
set her up for failure?
Her tendency to compare herself with others –
where she repeatedly comes up short in her own
eyes?
Burnout at work? At home?
The children, who would take advantage of her
weaknesses that they know so well?
People who repeatedly discourage her?
Obviously, you can’t protect your wife from every
pressure, worry, fear, or loss. But you can do your
best to anticipate many of these problems before
they occur and establish a solid security system for
her protection.
Investment Tip #3:
Honor her.
When God established marriage, He knew that
one of the greatest components for building worth
into another person would be honor. We see this
in His command to each husband: “Grant her
honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.” Web-
ster defines ‘honor’ as “high regard or great re-
spect given; especially glory, fame; distinction.”
Every marriage is susceptible to leaks, and ours is
no exception. The world lures my wife with glit-
tery, false promises of fulfillment, and true signifi-
cance. If I fail to honor her and esteem her as a
woman of distinction, then I ignore the reality of
her need and the deceptive power of the world’s
promises. It’s just a matter of time before she will
begin to wear down and look elsewhere for worth.
The following are a few techniques to honor your
wife that can give you a competitive edge while
also building your wife’s self-esteem:
First, honor your wife by learning the art of put-
ting her on a pedestal. If you focus on honoring
her and caring for her needs, and on nurturing
her as your most valued relationship, then you
can truly make a difference in how she feels about
herself. Capture your wife’s heart by treating her
with respect, tenderness, and the highest esteem.
Second, honor your wife by recognizing her accom-
plishments. Frequently, I look into Barbara’s eyes
and verbally express my wonder at all she does. She
wears many hats and is an amazingly hard worker.
At other times, I stand back in awe of the wom-
an of character she has become. Her steady walk
with God is a constant stream of ministry to me.
Third, honor your wife by speaking to her with re-
spect. Without careful attention, your tongue can
become caustic, searing, and accusing. Washington
Irving once said, “The tongue is the only tool that
gets sharper with use.” If your wife works outside
the home, she has some unique needs for honor.
She may need the practical honor of a free evening
once or twice a week when you volunteer to do it
all: Put the children to bed, clean the kitchen, do
the laundry, etc.
Fourth, honor your wife by extending common
courtesies. You may think that these little amenities
were worthwhile only during courtship, but actually,
they are a great way to demonstrate respect and dis-
tinction over the long haul. Common courtesy is at
the heart of servanthood; it says, “my life for yours.”
It bows before another to show esteem and dignity.
Investment Tip #4:
Develop her gifts and
horizons as a woman.
First, help her grow as a Christian. Your wife is
your number one disciple. Do you encourage spir-
itual growth in your wife? It’s the smartest thing
you could possibly do. When your wife grows in
this area, not only does she triumph at life, but
you benefit as well. Help her to grow spiritually
by praying regularly for her and with her—at bed-
time, in the morning before leaving for work, at
mealtimes. It will encourage her. Interact together
over God’s Word and its application to your in-
dividual lives, as well as to your family. Encour-
age your wife to employ her spiritual gifts in ser-
vice to others outside your home if she has time.
Second, develop her talents. Take part in her life by
nurturing the development of her dormant talents.
Like fruit seeds that never have been planted in fer-
tile soil and watered, your wife’s gifts may need your
care in order to germinate. If you already have done
this, you know that she responds to this personalized
focus. She feels that you value her and are helping
her to expand her life and utilize her gifts so that she
might be even more productive. Perhaps your wife
already has influence. Can you supply additional re-
sources so that she can become even more effective?
Third, help her develop new horizons. Most of us fail
to anticipate major change points in the lives of our
wives, such as the birth of a child, children’s teen
years, menopause, and the empty nest. When your
children leave home, your wife will suddenly have
enormous chunks of time and attention to devote to
another worthwhile cause. Are you developing her
today so that she will be ready to take some risks later?
Continued on page 32
Real Relationships | 13
 By Julie Akhimien
D
ear Auntie, I guess this is coming late.
I have filed for divorce I made a mis-
take. I went into this marriage against
good advice. I thought we were in love.
I married a mad woman. She is a psycho and she
has tried to take my life. I ran and I am at peace.
I am waiting to start my life all over again. What
advice do you have for me? M.T.
A
My dear, yours is truly a sad story. Good to know
you are still alive. I’ll like to answer your question
taking it at face value; I mean considering you mar-
ried a woman who had mental disorder and not
that you were inferring that by means of her atti-
tude or behavior. If it is that she is mentally ill then
perhaps she was not in her right state of mind when
you married her (though that sounds quite strange).
Those marriage vows could not be said by a psychi-
atric patient but, be that as it may, you went into
marriage and now you are at large to save your life!
Agreed, only the living can stay married. But if
your wife is sick, she can’t get well by abandon-
ment. I wouldn’t know whether or not you at-
tempted treating her and how far you went. If
not, you should have attempted to and see what
God would do. You didn’t mention God in any
way, and I wonder if you know Him. If you don’t,
then this is obviously the right time in your life to
turn to Him and let Him take charge. Your life is
in His hands so let Him have control over it, and
it will amaze you how He will solve this puzzle.
If you loved one another and got married despite all
odds, ‘many waters,’ in terms of illness should not
quench your love. No circumstance is beyond God,
hard as it might seem. A better story would be to
14 | Real Relationships
see God transform this woman for His glory. Didn’t
someone say he who fights and runs away lives to
fight another day? Let God fight your battle and
you, hold your peace. He works in mysterious ways,
His wonders to perform. You can depend on Him
because He is big, He is strong, and He is reliable!
Q
Auntie I must confess, I am a failure. My wife
traveled for school and I have cheated on her. I
have had relations with three women during this
period. One has been pregnant twice. We did the
abortion. The shameful thing is that I am a leader
in my church. Can God forgive me? Should I tell
me wife? I know she will leave me if I do. I am in
a mess. A.K.
A
What a shame! To be hard on you, I would say you
have disappointed God, the body of Christ, and
your wife. But, my greatest concern is the spirit you
have opened the door of your heart to, that lustful
destroyer that is already poised to take you to hell.
As angry as I am {anyone who reads this would be
too}, the Bible says ‘the wrath of man does not work
the righteousness of God....’ James 1:20. First things
first, let’s get you started on repentance and deliver-
ance. It’s good you spoke out already, that’s a sign
that you are unwilling to continue. You seem to be
aware that the trumpet would sound at anytime so
please, make up your mind first, to make a U-turn;
repent, God is ever willing to forgive no matter how
grievous your sins are. Isaiah 1: 18. God says to come
and reason with Him, though your sins be as scar-
let they shall be white as snow… and He means it.
If you are willing to accept His forgiveness, it’s all
yours. Confide afterwards in your pastor and let
your wife know. It is not true that she would leave
you if you tell her; in fact, concealing the matter is
worse because ‘news flies!’ And listen – the power of
sin is in privacy; once you let her know, you would
be amazed how free you would feel. Then, leave
the rest to God. There is still the fountain flowing
from our Saviour’s vein; it cleanses and it delivers
– go under the blood and be washed. With prayers
and your willingness to obey God, you would soon
put all these behind you and be a happy family
again. God is willing to make it happen; are you?
Q
I know my husband is cheating on me. I have
no proof though. He is so smart and covers his
tracks. I can’t even bring it up ‘cos I have nothing
to say. But, I feel very bad. Help me. S.R
A Q
You know? How? Sincerely speaking, you are better
off letting this suspicion out of your system please.
It is a destroyer; give your fears to the wind and let
God fight your battles for you. For all I know, you
might be totally wrong and even if you are right,
wake up to the truth that the enemy is out to de-
stroy your home and you must not allow him. Prov.
14:1. Be a wise woman; build your home. Whatever
it is that seems to be attracting your husband to
those women you can begin to condemn by your
prayers through fervent decrees from God’s word.
Isaiah 54:17. ‘No weapon fashioned against you
shall prosper…;’ that includes your home. You are
accountable to God for this gift (your husband);
you can’t afford to let him go. Whatever that
woman has, you have and you are the bona fide
owner of your husband. You must work to keep
him as you trust God to help you be the type of
wife He (God) wants you to be. Rev. 2:25-26: Je-
sus says to hold fast what you have. He has giv-
en you what it takes to do just that. Please do it.
Q
My wife’s parents are controlling my home.
She calls them every blessed day and tries carry-
ing out their bidding. One day, I will send her
away to live with them because I am just fed up.
Please talk to me. R.O.
A
I will talk to you my dear. You must be truly fed up
and you are justifiably right to be. But, wait a min-
ute, it is not enough to be fed-up; you must address
the issue at hand. This is your home we are talking
about – your priced possession, God’s wonderful gift
to you. And you want to do what??? Send her to her
parents? You dare not! That would be too wrong
a step to take. Listen to me and listen good – the
person you must give attention to here is your wife.
It seems to me that you guys don’t flow, I mean
communicate effectively and you probably are not
giving her enough attention; so, at the slightest op-
portunity or provocation, she runs to her parents.
Both of you need to sit down and talk. Lay down
the blueprints as stated in God’s word on how to
succeed as a couple. Remember, you would give
account to God; so, be diligent in keeping your
home. Befriend your wife, let her know how much
she means to you, your all in all after God. Listen
to her – I mean her fears; her concerns; and hard
as it may seem, her thoughts; let her feel the pulse
of your love. She would soon realize that being
together with you is better and a forever thing.
Then trust God to knit your hearts together such
that the phone calls would be reduced and your
‘parents-in-love’ would realize that when they gave
her out, it was for real. I trust that you will have
a testimony in no distant time. Keep your home
please, and don’t forget to dress it. Gen. 2:15.
Auntie Julie, I will be forty in two weeks and still
not married. I am contemplating having an af-
fair so I can at least have my own child. I don’t
want to be single anymore. I am tired. C.N
A
You ought to be tired my dear but, I don’t
think God has changed His mind. So, why
should you? The Bible says hope deferred ma-
keth the heart sick. Prov. 13:12. I truly appreci-
ate the way you feel and the state of your mind.
Anyone who has waited and is still waiting for the
fulfillment of God’s promise would know what both
of us are talking about. But, have you thought of
what you are about to do and the consequences at-
tached? Having an affair is not the solution; I must
tell you the truth. It is not enough to have an affair.
Who says you will get pregnant and not be infested
instead (I mean with HIV or some or venereal dis-
ease)? If the man agrees to have an affair, if he truly
loves you, he would marry you instead and not just
want to have you for a while outside of marriage. Is
that the kind of person you want your child to have
as a father? Are you ready to face the consequences
of being a single parent and being outside marriage?
Is that what you really want? I hope you’d say “no.”
Yes, you are single now. God is not time constrained;
but, I would imagine that this is only for a season.
There are seasons in life and this time also, I believe
will pass. Besides, God is never late. You can trust
Him because He is the one writing the story of your
life; He knows just what the next scene would be. And
guess what? Every story God writes, ends well. I dare
say then, that the story of your life would end well.
Be wise therefore, my dear and keep your eyes on
God, who is a master planner. If you trust Him,
He will come through for you. No one is hopeless
whose hope is in God, believe me.
That you woke up this morning is a sign that God
has not finished with you yet. There are loads of tes-
timonies about how God has done it for others; He
Real Relationships | 15
 cannot experiment failure with you! Keep trusting
and know that your testimony will come. Job said,
(Job 14:14) ‘all the days of my life will I wait until my
change comes….’ And guess what? He didn’t have
to wait for half those days – God sprung up speedily
on his behalf; I dare say again, He’ll do the same for
you. Please invite me when it happens; I will like
to be a part of your success story. I pray God shows
you favor and makes you evidence of what He,
God, can do and what the devil cannot do. Amen.
Q
My wife wears the pants! She is so forward and
pushy. I don’t think I can go on with this. We live
in a society that gives everything to the woman if
we separate. I don’t want to lose all I have worked
for. I am hanging just because of this. There is no
more bliss. Auntie Julie, please help me. F.T.
A
It is well my dear, relax. There may be ‘no more
bliss’ at the moment but, the story is not ended yet;
is it? No. It’s not the end of the world and Jesus
is still in the business of bringing forth the sweet-
est wine ever! Yes-o, even in the midst of hope-
lessness, all you need do is invite Him into your
marriage. He’ll break those pushy ‘wings’ in your
wife and give her a heart that desires to please God.
To have a wife like yours is truly a pain in the neck, I
can imagine. But, she is your wife all the same. Have
you taken time out to discuss with her? Pray for her?
Your attitude to the problem doesn’t seem right to
me. You should not be holding on for the reason
you just gave alone. You should hold on because
16 | Real Relationships
your family matters to you. You need to address the
issues with your wife; she needs to mellow down but
you must help her by raising your value and self-
esteem. Don’t give her any reason whatsoever to
look down on you even if she earns more than you
do for example. You are the captain as it were of the
ship, your home (under God). You are the priest, to
guide and pray for your family; the prophet to speak
forth God’s decrees; the king to rule with love and
kindness. Occupy your place, your kingdom, and
let it be a mission field for your wife and a para-
dise for your children, and see things take shape.
Remember, the index for measurement is the
head and that is you. Trust God to make you the
husband He desires you to be and allow Him to
rule your home through you. You would be sur-
prised to see just how your wife’s attitude would
change. I can’t wait to hear the good news.
Q
I have had a very stained past (even in church). I
have turned a new leaf but, people still view me
as such. A brother wants to marry me and my
brethren are advising against that decision, tell-
ing him of my past. I am thinking of leaving this
Church. J.M.
A
Everyone has a past, a story, and something to re-
member; only the grace of God keeps us all. I am
happy to hear you have turned a new leaf and that is
the whole essence of the matter. First, you should be
grateful to God, who has given you a new heart and
spirit. Since you are a new creature, the Bible says,
old things, (no matter how authentic they seem),
are passed away; behold, all, (I want you to under-
line the word ‘all’ in your heart) things have become
new. 2Cor.5:17. It is based on this truth of the word
of God that I want you to know that if that brother
truly loves you and God’s hand is on his intention
to marry you, then you can give yourself peace and
give your fears to the wind; no matter what people
tell him, he will go through with his conviction.
You really do not have a word with which to de-
fend yourself; only God can. Many people, includ-
ing some ‘Christians’ find it difficult to forgive or
forget people’s past. It didn’t start today – it hap-
pened to Paul too. But, because Paul’s conversion
was genuine (you and I know the end of the sto-
ry), he became one of the greatest apostles Jesus
had, and those who did not believe him began
to change their minds when they saw what God
was doing through him. So, it’s only a matter of
time. The God that made it possible for you to
have a change of mind, He also is able to make
you what He wants you to be! Trust Him to per-
fect everything that concerns you, give you a new
song to sing, and make you a showpiece as you
propose in your heart to continue to serve Him.
I really do not think leaving the Church is neces-
sary. Abide where you are and give your cares to
Jesus to prove Himself in your life. You ask me,
‘why?’ Only those who abide bear fruits; that’s
what God has called you to do. In that same place
where you are, God wants to show forth His glo-
ry. I pray He gives you what it takes to keep your
light shinning to His praise and glory. Amen.
Q
Auntie, I think am losing it. I don’t have affec-
tion for the opposite sex. I am attracted sexually
to members of my sex. I know this is crazy but, I
am here. I have noticed someone who has simi-
lar traits and we are getting really close. What
do I do? O. T.
A
First, repent. You are treading on dangerous grounds.
To start with, something’s wrong somewhere and you
need help immediately. What you are experiencing
is anti-God and you don’t want to fall into His wrath.
The Bible says such people that have these traits were
given up to a reprobate mind. Read Romans Chap-
ter 1, please. God created man, male and female.
To be attracted to someone of the same sex as
you is demonic, and you must seek to be set free
by God. I will advise that you go for deliverance;
speak to your pastor please, and trust God to save
you from this destructive trait. The good news is
Proceeds from the sales of
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Medical Missionary Efforts
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that the name of Jesus still sets men free today,
no matter their situation! Once you’ve been set
free you can tell the good news to others who
are held captive, so they too can be delivered.
Above all, what I pray for you is that you will re-
member at all times that your body is the temple
of the Holy Spirit and you will give account of your
life to God. It is a dreadful thing to fall into the
hands of the living God in His wrath because He is
a consuming fire. You don’t intend to spend eter-
nity in hell, do you? I hope not. So, take this matter
serious, flee from such tendencies; in other words,
that person whom you said you have noticed is not
someone to be close to. Flee, flee, flee, flee…. Mean-
ing, run at the speed of light, if not more, and seek
refuge in the name that is above all other names, Je-
sus. You matter to God; don’t ruin your life here on
earth and face God’s judgment to end up in hell for
eternity. Do you have an ear to hear? Please hear
and comply. To everyone who thirsts and hunger af-
ter righteousness, God promised a filling. Your case
will not be different. Run for your dear life, to the
place of safety, which is in Jesus Christ. Prov 18:10.9
It is always a pleasure taking tough issues to God on
your behalf. Leave me a note and I will get back with
you shortly. You can be sure that I keep your issues
confidential. Waiting to hear from you.
Email Auntie Julie: fjakhimien@yahoo.com
Real Relationships | 17
 Tips for finding your ring size:
• Measure your finger in warm temperatures at
the end of the day.
• If your knuckle is a lot larger than the base
of your finger, use Method B below, except
measure both the base of your finger and your
knuckle and select a size in between the two.
Tips if you’re buying the ring as a surprise:
• Ask your intended recipient’s mother or
friend if they know his/her finger size.
• Borrow one of your intended recipient’s rings
and use Method A below. (Make sure to borrow
a ring that fits the finger you intend your gift
ring to fit.)
Other tips and information:
• When considering a wide band, move up a
size from your measurement, for comfort’s sake.
• Different countries have different ring-size
systems. All sizes listed here are standard Ameri-
can sizes.
• The average woman’s ring size is about 6. The
average man’s ring size is about 10.
• Your ring size will be about half a size larger
on your primary hand (i.e., the hand you write
with).

Size 5 Size 6 Size 7 Size 8 Size 9 Size 5 15.7 mm

Size 6 16.5 mm
Size 7 17.3 mm
Size 8 18.2 mm
Size 9 18.9 mm
Size 10 19.8 mm
Size 11 20.6 mm
Size 12 21.3 mm
Size 10 Size 11 Size 12 Size 13
Size 13 22.2 mm

18 | Real Relationships
 Millime-
Inches US British French German Swiss Japanese
ters
1 3/4 44.5 3 F 44 14.0 4 4
1 25/32
42.2 3 1/2
G 45 15.0 5 1/2
6
1 13/16 46.0 4 I 47 15.0 7 7
1 7/8 47.6 4 1/2 I 48 15.5 9 8
1 15/16
49.2 5 J 50 15.8 10 9
2 50.8 2 1/2 K 52 16.0 12 10
2 1/16
52.4 6 L 53 16.5 13 12
2 3/32
53.2 6 1/2
M 54 17.0 14 13
2 1/8 54.0 7 N 55 17.3 15 14
2 3/16
55.6 7 1/2
O 57 17.8 16 1/2
15
2 1/4 57.2 8 P 58 18.0 18 16
2 5/32 54.8 8 1/2 Q 59 18.5 19 17
2 5/16
58.7 9 R 60 19.0 20 18
2 3/8 60.3 9 1/2 S 61 19.5 21 1/2 19
2 7/16
61.9 10 T 62 20.3 22 20
2 1/2
63.5 10 1/2
U 63 20.8 23 1/2
22
2 9/16 65.1 11 W 64 21.0 25 23
2 19/32
65.9 11 1/2
X 66 21.3 26 24
2 5/8
66.7 12 Y 67 21.8 27 1/2
25
2 11/16 68.3 12 1/2 Z 69 22.0 29 26
2 3/4
69.9 13 N/A N/A N/A N/A 27

If your knuckles are large, you may want to find fected by the normal swelling and shrinking caused
an average size between the circumference of your by hot or cold weather, physical exertion, illness
knuckle and the circumference at the base of your and/or medication, and by weight gains or losses.
finger. Also keep in mind that ring sizes can be af-

Real Relationships | 19
 a true life story By Talitha Tukura
A
nne stood in front of the mirror and
sadly looked down at the torn dress on
her body. Hours before, she had looked
exquisite in her attire; it was modest yet
stylish, and her son had told her over and over
again how beautiful she looked when she had tried
it on some days back. “Mommy, even daddy is go-
ing to love it.’’
It had taken her weeks to complete; she had often
stayed awake up to the wee hours of the morning just
to perfect it. Her savings from several months had
all gone into the outfit and she had even bought a
matching head tie, shoe, and handbag. Now, all that
remained of all her efforts was this rag on her body.
She let into her sadness and cried her heart out.
Today was the church’s annual thanksgiving, and
she had taken such pains to make herself beauti-
ful. Her husband had taken one look at her and
had slapped her, asking her to change her clothes.
When she delayed, not understanding why he dis-
liked the dress, and uttered a protest, he had beaten
her all the more. Was she unattractive, she won-
dered? No, that couldn’t be! Men still noticed her.
Plus she knew she had flawless skin and long dark
hair, and had kept her trim figure. What had hap-
pened to her husband, she cried aloud. Where was
that gentleman that had dazzled her with his kind-
ness and polished manners? Who was this man
now in her house that treated her like rubbish but,
20 | Real Relationships
was able to still shepherd his church congregation
with expert tender, loving care, giving them all the
sound scriptural knowledge they needed to grow?
“Mommy,” her twelve year old son called. “Mom-
my, don’t cry!” He hugged his mother tight and
cried with her.
She held her son tight. Even he was not left out
from his father’s wrath. Noah was the smart-
est boy in his class and a star football player,
even for his age. In church, he knew more scrip-
ture than half of the congregation, sang in the
church choir, attended most church activities,
and displayed impeccable behavior as the pas-
tor’s son. At home, he was respectful and a great
help and encouragement to her and everyone else.
Never did a day pass that she did not thank God
for Noah. He was God’s special gift to her, her
own human comforter. Everybody loved him in
their community. But, not his father! He was nev-
er good enough for the man he tried so hard to
please. His father always found tiny things to pun-
ish him for. He was always constantly on the look
out for tiny mistakes, which under normal circum-
stances, were negligible. “ Spare the rod and spoil
the child,’’ he would scream as he flogged Noah
mercilessly for getting 99% on his math test, for
quoting the NIV passage from the Bible instead of
the King James Version, or for coughing in church.
The bedroom door opened and Rev. Timothy Ad-
ams, her husband and pastor of The Good Shep-
herd Christian Church, stepped into the room.
His tall figure loomed in the doorway and his
eyes narrowed in disapproval at the sight of his
wife and son clinging to each other. He had ex-
pected her to quickly change and meet him in
church but, she hadn’t, and he had been forced to
cover up for her and say that she was indisposed.
Little did he know that her cheek had bled from
a nasty blow he had administered to her there,
and before she had time to clean and dress the
wound, it was 50 minutes into the church service.
“I am hungry, bring me my food!” he stated harsh-
ly. Anne and Noah looked up, fear evident on their
faces and quickly disappeared into the kitchen.
Minutes later, Anne brought him a warmer with
joll of rice and a glass of freshly squeezed or-
ange juice. He ate every grain of rice, drank
his juice, and went into the bedroom to sleep.
He had not uttered a single word to her.
The doorbell rang and Anne smiled widely, expect-
ing to see any of their 500 members, who usually
came to visit or receive counseling from their pastor.
She had already prepared a story to tell those that
enquired about the bandaged and bruised face. She
would say she fell on the stairs. The young girl in
front of her was someone she had never seen before.
“Hello” Anne said pleasantly.
“I’m looking for Timothy,” the girl stated.
“Do you mean Rev. Timothy, the pastor of the
church?”
“Yah.”
“He’s sleeping right now. Can I take a message?”
“No, I’ll come back later.”
Anne watched as the girl walked away, took out her
cell phone, and tried to make a call. She guessed
she was calling a driver or someone to come pick
her up. What type of rude, uncultured girl was
this, she wondered. Had she no parents? She was
young, probably just 16 or 17. Her top was sever-
al sizes too small for her, hugging her body and
displaying every curve. Her jeans were equally
tight and torn in several places, displaying a tat-
too of a dragon on her buttocks. Her belly was
exposed, displaying a ring on her belly button.
Anne suddenly felt sorry for thinking negatively of
her, and began to pray for the young girl instead.
Minutes later, she heard a knock on the door and
discovered the young girl on her doorstep again. She
quickly reached for the door but, before she could,
her husband pushed her aside and opened the door.
“Hi, Timothy,” the girl smiled wide-
ly at her husband like he was her savior.
“My dear, welcome to my house.” They hugged
each other warmly; their faces were animated and
happy like two long lost friends. They sat close
on the sofa talking and giggling in low tones.
Anne stood up from the floor where she had
ended up when she was pushed. They totally ig-
nored her; so, she composed herself and walked
from the room with as much dignity as she could
muster. In the kitchen, she prepared two cups of
tea with doughnuts. She put them on a tray and
walked into the living room. The room was emp-
ty and her heart beat faster as she walked into the
study. Her husband and the young girl were in a
warm embrace passionately kissing each other.
“Get out! Can’t you see that I’m in an important
counseling session???”
“But…but…” she stammered. Her mind was numb
and she did not understand what was happening.
“Get out!” He shouted. He stomped over to
her, picked her up, and dumped her ungra-
ciously outside the door. Then, she heard the
door slam shut and the key locking it shut.
“God, oh God, where are you?” Anne sobbed.
This was not happening. No, not again. There
were always rumors of him and other women, and
each time he had forced her to end the rumors
by saying they were family friends or relatives.
No, she was not going to allow him to disregard
her like this. For how long will she smile, pre-
tending they were the perfect Christian fam-
ily? How long will she answer, “Fine” when she
actually felt like screaming? But, even as she
fought her mental battles, she knew it was futile.
The first time she had found him with another
woman, she had confronted him and told him
she would tell the elders if he did not stop. As a
reply, he had beaten her and raped her savagely,
and when she was unconscious, he had put pieces
of a broken china vase he had smashed in his an-
ger into her throat and vagina. When she gained
consciousness, she was in the hospital and Timo-
thy flocked and nursed over her like a mother
hen. Apparently, he had told the doctors and fam-
ily that she had been raped and beaten by some
armed robbers that had attacked their house.
For weeks, she had laid on her hospital bed unable
to move, eat, or urinate normally because of all the
pains in her body. All the time, Timothy had been
there soothing her, helping her, and acting like the
ideal husband. Noah was two years old then, and
old enough to know his mom was ill but, not old
Real Relationships | 21
 enough to understand.
She was so damaged, the
doctors had said she was
incapable of having an-
other baby. She had un-
dergone multiple surger-
ies to repair her body as
best as possible but, her
heart was already dead.
She lay in the darkness
trying to steel herself
from what she knew was
yet to come. She could
hear sounds of laughter
and passion from the
study. He would soon
come in when he was
through and beat her
for interrupting his little party for two with the
young girl! No one could help her. She had begged
him to receive counseling, pleaded with him to try
to make their marriage work, all to no avail. She
saw what happened to other women who dared
to talk to the authorities, elders, or family mem-
bers. After they were laughed at and told to settle
their family disputes at home, their enraged and
embarrassed husbands only beat them the more.
Her parents had both died in a car accident many
years ago and she was an only child with no close
relatives or friends to talk to. The one time she
had tried to hint her mother-in-law, she had been
promptly told to shut her dirty mouth up. Didn’t
she know that she had to be supportive of her hus-
band no matter the situation? Didn’t she know that
he was a busy man that just needed to vent his frus-
trations and anger? She even had the nerve to sug-
gest that maybe the problem was with her not him.
Did she cook his favorite
meals for him, massage
his body, and make love to
him? She laughed aloud –
if only her mother-in-law
knew the extent to which
she had gone to please him
and make everything right.
It suddenly dawned on her
that one day he could kill
her. One day, she would
not be alive to take care of
her lovely son.
Anne stood up and walked
to her son’s bedroom. He
looked so handsome and
sweet as he lay on the bed
sleeping. She would not leave him here, NO! She
would never leave him to stay with this terror!!
Her mind went to her husband. Shouldn’t she stay
and continue being the dutiful wife she was? Who
would cook his meals for him, keep his house tidy,
and wash and iron his clothes the way he liked?
Maybe she should stay a bit longer, perhaps he
would change. No, she had to go. She would call
him from time to time, pray for him, and trust
that God would do something to change him
and when He did, she would be there for him.
She stooped to pick her son. Gently, she cradled
him in her arms and walked out of his bedroom,
out of the house with no destination in mind,
only knowing that she had to walk as far as pos-
sible from the monster her husband had become….

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Real Relationships | 23
 By Dr Stanley Okugbo
N
owadays, we spend more time at work
than anywhere else. A man is identified
by his job or profession. We are what
we do! A man without a job is socially
invisible. Joblessness does not only portend im-
pending financial crisis but, it is also a social cri-
sis as well. It is a social stigma not to have a job!
A badge of dishonor, and a social vice! It reduces
the man to a beggar and deprives him of proper
healthy relationships with friends and relatives
who work, as they subconsciously avoid him!
All these put together, with the fact that income
depends on your job, puts pressure on us and
compels us to the daily routine of work, work,
and more work. We are pushed into the rat race.
Therefore, our job becomes the guiding principle
by which we spend our lives. It controls our every
thought, daily activities, and actions. It determines
where we live; and where we live! Whether we can
go to church or not, and how often. Slowly, the job
begins to give us a mindset. We judge people by the
nature of their jobs; by how they understand our
own jobs and its pressures on us. Without knowing
it, we unwittingly spend two thirds of our most ac-
tive years in the service of mammon and our jobs.
In this setting, the boss gradually assumes the
position of a god. Their very presence begins to
command reverence, honor, and adulation. Their
words become law. To break them becomes anath-
ema! Their commands first begin to supersede
that of your relatives, parents, and friends. Then
24 | Real Relationships
slowly, they subvert those of your pastor or spiri-
tual guide. Then, they enthrone themselves above
those of the Holy Spirit and the word of God! Sud-
denly, you cannot attend even Sunday services
because the boss demands your presence at work!
You cannot preach because your boss forbids it.
Before long, this goes even farther to involve the
very principles and foundation of Christianity. You
start drinking to please your boss. You start lying
because your boss said to do it. Corruption becomes
okay since the boss has decreed it! How far can you
go to obey your boss and yet maintain your Chris-
tian witness? The answer lies in first principles:
You are first a Christian, a pilgrim in this world.
This world is passing away and soon! We belong in
a different kingdom.
Your job is your mission field. You got that job
not by an accident but, by divine design because
God trusts you and believes in you that in that job,
you would show forth His light and glory. That, all
within your sphere of influence would be affected
by His life in you. If you are not wining souls for
the kingdom at your job, then you have no busi-
ness being there! You might as well be fired. Even
if your job is as a missionary, church pastor or staff!
Acts 4:19-20. Both Peter and John replied, “Judge
whether it is right in God’s sight to listen to you
instead of listening to God. As for us, what we have
seen and heard we cannot help speaking about.”
The word of God is the greatest influence in our
lives. To disobey its very underlying principles is
to reject that authority and to enthrone that thing
which we obey! Rom 6:19. Your human infirmi-
ty leads me to employ these familiar figures – and
just as you once surrendered your faculties into
bondage, to impurity and ever-increasing disregard
of the law, so you must now surrender them into
bondage to Righteousness ever advancing towards
perfect holiness. (Wey) Rom 6:16. Know ye not,
that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey,
his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin
unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?
Compromise is anathema. Look at Daniel and
the three Hebrews; they would rather burn than
bow! Daniel would rather be the lion’s dinner
than obey his boss’ orders. Did they come out
victoriously? We cannot think of compromise!
It is not in us! Your boss says tell a lie, and you
say okay sir! How can you preach to him thereaf-
ter? Well, I have already preached to him. Then,
that’s why he has not accepted the gospel, be-
cause he knows the gospel has no effect on you!
Let it be known in your office that you are the one
who cannot tell lie, who will not cheat, or take a bribe.
Even your enemies should know that they cannot
get you by any means except in trying to get you to
AD
disobey God! 2 Cor 6-12 – For God who said, “Out
of darkness let light shine,” is He who has shone in
our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of
God’s glory, which is radiant on the face of Christ.
But, we have this treasure in a fragile vase of clay, in
order that the surpassing greatness of the power may
be seen to belong to God, and not to originate in us.
We are hard-pressed, yet never in absolute distress;
perplexed, yet never utterly baffled; pursued, yet
never left without succor; struck to the ground, yet
never slain; always, wherever we go, carrying with
us in our bodies, the crucifixion of Jesus, so that in
our bodies, it may also be clearly shown that Jesus
lives. For we, alive though we are, are continually
surrendering ourselves to death for the sake of Je-
sus, so that in this mortal nature of ours, it may
also be clearly shown that Jesus lives. Thus, we are
constantly dying. Daniel 6:4-5 – The presidents and
satraps were seeking to find a cause of complaint
against Daniel concerning the kingdom, and any
cause of complaint and corruption they were un-
able to find, because Daniel was faithful, and any
error and corruption had not been found in him.
Then these men said, ‘We do not find against
this Daniel any cause of complaint, except we
have found it against him in the law of his God.’
Real Relationships | 25
 By Esther Ibanga
H
elp! My father wants to sleep with me!!
Help! I am having an affair with my un-
cle!!
Help! I am pregnant by my uncle, what
shall I do???
Help! My daughter wants to know who her father is
and her father is my father.
Should I tell her?
Help! I am in love with my niece!!
These are voices and true stories of incest that we
have consistently heard in this country and be-
yond, in the course of ministry. We live in a very
sick and depraved society as well as an occultist
society, where perverse requirements are made
on people who want to make it in life at all cost,
and so they are required to carry out debased acts
such as sleeping with their children, sleeping with
a mad woman, and many other such crazy things
for the purpose of getting what they want in life,
be it power, position, or wealth. Others are just
a result of inherited curses, and others, poverty.
Let us start by defining what INCEST is.
“Incest,” according to the Oxford dictionary, “is
sexual activity between two people in a family who
are very closely related, for example, a brother and
sister, or a father and daughter…,” and the diction-
ary terms it disapproving. Even the world knows
that it is wrong, how much more the word of God,
which is the final authority on any issue in life.
Let us now go to the word of God for the definition
of incest. The word “incest” is not necessarily used
in the scripture but, its profile is clearly defined.
In Leviticus 18:6-18, the following relationships are
termed an abominable before the Lord, which will
bring forth dire consequences. I shall quote from
the NIV translation and THE MESSAGE translation:-
Types Of Incestuous Relationships
26 | Real Relationships
NIV: Lev 18:6 “No one is to approach any close
relative to have sexual relations. I am the Lord”
MESSAGE: Don’t have sex with a close relative, I am
God.
v7 NIV: “Do not dishonor your father by hav-
ing sexual relations with your mother. She is
your mother; do not have relations with her.”
MESSAGE: Don’t violate your father by having sex
with your mother, she is your mother. Don’t have
sex with her.
v8 NIV: “Do not have sexual relations with your
father’s wife. That would dishonor your father.”
MESSAGE: Don’t have sex with your father’s wife.
That violates your father.
v9 NIV: “Do not have sexual relations with your sis-
ter, either your father’s daughter or your mother’s
daughter, whether she was born in the same house
or elsewhere.”
MESSAGE: Don’t have sex with your sister, whether
she was born in the same house or elsewhere. In
other words, don’t have sex with your biological
sister, whether she is full-blood, your half-sister,
your step-sister, or your adopted sister!
v10 NIV: “Do not have sexual relations with your
son’s daughter or your daughter’s daughter; that
would dishonor you.”
MESSAGE: Don’t have sex with your granddaugh-
ter, whether she is your granddaughter by blood
(whether full or half), adoption, or marriage. That
would violate your own body!
v11 NIV: “Do not have sexual relations with the
daughter of your father’s wife, born to your father;
she is your sister.”
MESSAGE: Don’t have sex with the daughter of your
father’s wife, born to your father. She is your sis-
ter. Don’t have sex with wife and have sexual re-
your half-sister, period! lations with her while
your wife is living.”
v12 NIV: “Do not have MESSAGE: “Don’t mar-
sexual relations with your ry as a rival to your wife
father’s sister. She is your while your wife is still
father’s close relative.” alive, her blood sister,
MESSAGE: Don’t have half-sister, or her sis-
sex with your father’s ter through adoption.
sister, whether she is his Don’t have sex with
sister by blood, adop- them either!
tion, or marriage; she is In summary, incest
your aunt, and closely is sexual relationship
related to your father! between:
1. A son and his mother
v13 NIV: “Do not have v7
sexual relations with 2. A son and his step
your mother’s sister be- mother v8
cause she is your moth- 3. A man with his sister
er’s close relative.” v9
MESSAGE: Don’t have 4. A man with his
sex with your mother’s granddaughter v10
sister, whether she is her sister by blood, adoption, 5. A man with his step-sister v11
or marriage; she is your aunt, and closely related to 6. A man with his aunt (on his father’s side) v12
your mother! 7. A man with his aunt (on his mother’s side) v13
8. A man with his uncle’s wife, she is his aunt by
v14 NIV: “Do not dishonor your father’s brother by marriage v14
approaching his wife to have sexual relations. She 9. A man with his daughter-in-law (i.e. his son’s
is your aunt.” wife) v15
MESSAGE: Don’t violate your father’s brother, who 10. A man with his sister-in-law (his brother’s
is your uncle, by having sex with his wife. She is wife) v16
your aunt! It is irrelevant if he is your father’s blood 11. A man with a woman and her daughter or her
brother, step-brother, or brother by adoption. granddaughters v17
12. A man with his sister-in-law (your wife’s sister)
v15 NIV: “Do not have sexual relations with your v18
daughter-in-law. She is your son’s wife; do not have
relations with her.” Causes of Incest
MESSAGE: Don’t have sex with your daughter-in- 1.Poverty.
law, whether she is the wife of your biological, ad- In present day Nigeria and most African countries
opted, or step-son. where there is a high level of poverty with an equal-
ly high population, it’s not unusual to a family of 10
v16 NIV: “Do not have sexual relations with your living in a one-or two-bedroom apartment because
brother’s wife, that would dishonor your brother.” they cannot afford more. Additionally, young teen-
MESSAGE: Don’t have sexual relations with your age girls who have just begun to bud in their femi-
brother’s wife, whether she’s married to your blood ninity are exposed to the eyes of brothers, uncles,
brother, step-brother, or brother by adoption. That and sometimes, even fathers, as they do not have the
would dishonor your brother! privacy that their ages require. Some men (who are
already sick in their minds) might be tempted to take
v17 NIV: “Do not have sexual relations with both advantage of such young girls in these situations.
a woman and her daughter. Do not have sexual
relationship with either her son’s daughter or her
daughter’s daughter”
TRUE LIFE STORY
Jane lives with her family, which includes her un-
MESSAGE: If you are dating or married to a woman,
cle, Joe. Joe has just returned to the country from
don’t have sex with her as well as her daughter and/
overseas, where he left his wife and family. Joe now
or granddaughter, regardless of whether those peo-
lives with Dora, who lost her husband, John, not too
ple are related to her by blood, marriage, or adop-
long ago. John and Joe were brothers. In no time,
tion. Those are her close relatives, and to do so is
Joe started a sexual relationship in the same house
wicked!
with Jane (his niece), with a promise of financial
v18 NIV: “Do not take your wife’s sister as a rival

Real Relationships | 27
 benefit if she kept the secret. This, she did for two ous relationships that existed in the family line
years, while under the same roof as her mother, who previously, so that they just continue to repeat
was ignorant of what was happening. Jane heard us themselves in subsequent generations until they
talk about incest on the radio, and she came to see are broken through prayer and the word of God.
us. She told us about this incestuous relationship,
which led to its final break-up. It was such a process,
as we had to threaten the uncle that we will tell his Some Consequences of Incest
wife, Dora, and his employers, if he doesn’t stop. 1.The land becomes polluted (unclean or defiled).
It brings curses upon the perpetrator and his or her
2.Occultism. family.
In Leviticus 18, God started by warning the Israelites 2.The land vomits its inhabitants i.e. things be-
with a strict caution to take heed of retaining the idol- comes tough and rough for the perpetrator. Noth-
atries of Egypt (where they came from) and receiving ing they touch prospers. The land literally rejects
the infection of the idolatries of Canaan (where they them and refuses to yield of her increase to them.
were going). The Canaanites were a heathen nation 3.It may even result in death – spiritual, emotional,
with cultic practices, one of which included incest. and/or financial death! Leviticus18:29.
4.The perpetrator becomes unable to have healthy
family relationships. They have broken relation-
In present day Nigeria, some cultic altars require
ships, single parenthood, unstable marriages, etc.
not just the breaking of God’s commandments but,
5.If unaddressed, incest may become reoccurring in
also the committing of abominations - anything
the lives of their descendants.
that will debase one’s body and break or defile fam-
ily relationships, just to feed a cultic altar in order to
The church must take a strong, decisive stand
maintain lineage, power, position, and/or wealth.
against anyone involved in incestuous relation-
ships. God Himself will destroy such a person for
TRUE LIFE STORY defiling His temple. (See 1 Cor5:1-5; 3:17 and Lev
Sister B is an extremely beautiful girl and the first- 20:12)
born of her father who is an occultist. This man
did all he could to have sexual relationship with
her to which she vehemently refused. Her mother
Some Solutions To Incest
1.Break the code of silence! The moment it’s
knew what was going on but was helpless in doing
brought out in the open, the power of darkness is
anything about it. Sister B was finally thrown out of
broken.
her father’s house by her father because she would
2.Yes, it can be broken! Meet a minister of the gos-
not play ball. She ended up giving her life to Christ
pel of Jesus Christ for counseling, and to break the
and is growing in the faith amidst great challenges.
spiritual ties through prayer.
3.Mothers, pay close attention to your children,
3.Perversion.
watch the environment you raise them in, and
I went to minister in South Africa at the “Women
above all, protect them, especially the young
of His Power Conference,” where I met a lady who
ones! Your children are precious gifts from
was in a dilemma on what to do. Her biological
God, and He has entrusted them to your care!!
father started having a sexual relationship with her
4.Be close to your children – talk to them and en-
since she was 15 years old. Subsequently, she got
courage them to talk to you and be open with you.
pregnant and finally left the house. Her mother
Be their confidant. Tell them about these things
knew what was happening but, did nothing. The
and how to react before they actually happen.
father was a drunk, as well as violent and control-
5.Do not be afraid to seek medical or spiritu-
ling. Finally, this lady gave birth to a baby girl, who
al help for your spouse who has a problem. If
was 14 years when we went to South Africa, and
you don’t, when the long arm of the law finally
was now demanding to know her father. This lady
catches up with him, he will end up in prison.
did not know how to tell her daughter that her fa-
6.Incest is not normal (get that into your head)!
ther is also her daughter’s father! The mind that is
It is wrong and abominable!! Don’t let the devil
not regenerated is sick, totally perverse, and wick-
deceive you into thinking that it is okay, for it isn’t
ed. There is no limit to the level of wickedness it
and you can overcome it. If it happens or is hap-
can fathom. Only Jesus Christ can heal a sick mind.
pening, you can and must stop it right away. You
body is a temple; never let anyone take advantage
4.Curses.
of you.
Some incestuous relationships are a result of
curses upon a family. Such curses could have
Esther Ibanga is Pastor of Jos Christian Missions Inter-
been either inherited or acquired. Certain curs-
national, Nigeria
es on family result from idolatry, witchcraft, the
www.jcmi.info
shedding of innocent blood, or even incestu-
28 | Real Relationships
 Sh o r t St o r y
By Arine Adekugbe
D
avou sensed it before he saw it.
The ominous silence, the stillness in the
mid-afternoon air, the eerie quietness on
the usually busy dirt road. Something was
terribly amiss. He wrinkled his nose, inhaling deeply
in an attempt to pinpoint the origin of the foul odor
that permeated the air; but, his attempt was futile.
Davou looked around him -- the weather was dry and
the bush parched, although it was the rainy season.
Shrugging his shoulders, Davou tightened his
grip on the handlebar of the motorcycle he
was riding, a smile replacing the puzzled ex-
pression on his twenty-eight-year-old face.
This morning, he had sold off a stack of yam tubers.
Davou caressed the money, which he had stuffed
into the left pocket of his khaki shorts. Now, he
could afford to buy his own motorcycle instead
of renting one each day to commute between
his hut and farm as was his usual practice. Lela,
his wife, would be delighted. They were expect-
ing their first child and it would be so convenient
to have their personal means of transportation.
Then, Davou saw it and his train of thoughts was
abruptly interrupted; thick black clouds of smoke
spiraling into the sky, an ambitious attempt to
blot out the sun’s rays. As the twisting smudge
of darkness got higher, it became more daring --
a bold dark blanket almost smothering the sun-
light. It was then he heard the whine of the lo-
cal dogs, the hoof falls of a herd of cows and the
bleating of sheep as they all rushed past in a mad
stampede. Davou’s heart contracted in fearful ap-
prehension as the cries, the shrieks, and groans of
children, women, and men all merged into one.
Everyone was fleeing the scene of the melee. Davou
momentarily froze on his rented motorcycle as he
contemplated the unfolding scene; his eye misty,
his palms moist, his lips trembling. His temple
throbbed like a mortar in which a thousand women
were furiously pounding corn. He swallowed his sa-
liva, as he listened to the thud-thud beat of his heart.
“You better go back young man,” a man’s hoarse
voice advised. But, Davou was not listening. Instead,
he came down from his motorcycle and popped it
against a nearby tree, so overcome by emotion that he
forgot to remove the key from its humming ignition.
He forced his way through the surging, kicking, and
pushing crowd as determined to get away as he was
to get in. At last, he broke into a wide almost desert-
ed clearing, which on a normal day doubled up as
a local football field. Davou stared in horror at the
long, low one-storey building in front of the clear-
ing, which was engulfed in flames. A fiery monster
of a fireball was somewhere in the middle of the
block gyrating, twisting, and trashing like an eel
trapped in a fishermen’s net reducing everything in
its wake to smothering rubble. A dozen men stood
in a human file shouting instructions as they poured
in bucket after bucket of water fetched from a near-
by well – all in a vain attempt to extinguish the fire.
It was the only western structure that their tiny
village could boast of. It was their pride and joy;
all other structures were clutters of huts made in
the traditional way – from baked mud. ‘The Cen-
tre’ as it was known in local parlance served as
a civic center on Mondays; a fair on Tuesdays; a
vacation training center on Wednesdays; a mar-
ket on Thursdays; a children’s playground on Fri-
days; wedding receptions were on Saturdays, while
Sundays were left for Christian worship services.
Suddenly, Davou heard the piercing sound of a
woman’s cry and he spun round. A fat middle-aged
woman was wailing; her teardrops like torrents
of rainwater soaking her cheap sleeveless blouse.
Her wail was a hollow grating sound like empty
cans dragged on the bare earth. Her heavy bosom,
a sharp contrast to her small head, was heaving,
highlighting her agitation, while her hair, dusty
and disheveled, looked as though she had rubbed
it in sand. The indigo-dyed cloth she wrapped
around her waist in the manner of African village
women was almost falling off but, she did not
Real Relationships | 29
 seem to notice. She was ‘Torio;’ he could see that
from the two vertical tribal marks – one on each
cheek, which ran from below her eye to her chin.
‘Torio,’ the traditional enemies of his people the
‘Iotafs.’ Torio, of whom he had heard so many re-
pulsive stories. ‘Never expect anything good from
a Torio,’ his late father had been fond of saying.
“My baby!” The woman screamed, her voice hoarse,
her dark eyes darting around wildly as her fat little
fingers, which she had bunched into fists pum-
meled the two men who held her between them in
a vice grip. “He is lame… he will burn o death…,”
she spoke in spurts like someone with a speech im-
pediment. Davou looked at her but, did not see a
Torio woman but, a fellow human in deep distress.
“Woman, don’t be stupid!” one of the men shout-
ed, his voice angry. “It’s his time to leave this
world. If you go in there you will burn to ashes.”
“But my baby!” she cried. Then, jerking her body
up and down, she caught the men off guard and
broke free. Laughing wildly like a demented
woman, she ran with arms wide open towards
the bellowing smoke as if welcoming a long lost
friend. Suddenly, she hit her bare left foot on a
stone, tripped over, and fell. Quick as lightening
she was up, but the men were upon her. Twai!
Twai!! One of the men slapped her violently, leav-
ing the outline of his palm on her rotund face.
“Will you keep quiet???” and she whimpered in
pain, subdued. “Luka is my son too, isn’t he? But
he is lame and mentally retarded, not of much
use to anyone. We have other children to take
care of.” At that statement all fight seemed to
drain out of the fat woman, she simply collapsed
on the ground like a deflated balloon, while her
husband, a thick-set man with bushy hair who
looked more like a boxer than a villager, pulled
her from the ground. Holding her by the wrap-
per, he dragged her away like a stubborn goat.
Suddenly, ‘Arrghhhh! Arrghhhh!!’ It was a high-
pitched blood curdling scream, which resonated,
and everyone froze like figures in a movie still. It was
the kind of sound, which anyone who heard never
forgot nor wished to hear again. And it came from
the section the fireball was eagerly approaching like
a newly wed groom approaching his bride. Davou
grabbed a bucket of water and poured it on himself
soaking his clothes as he raced into the building.
He did not even pause to consider the consequence
of such an action. It simply did not occur to him.
Once inside, the blistering heat raged at him daring
him to come close. Could hell be worse? He inhaled
deeply, seeking a respite but, instead, the smoke
30 | Real Relationships
clogged his nostrils and he started coughing. His
eyes smarted. He stood up momentarily bewildered,
as he struggled to control his coughing. He stopped;
a million thoughts running across his fevered mind.
He had not bargained for this; the low visibility, the
smoke, the heat, which came pouring in on him
from all sides. To succeed, he realized he just had
to divorce his mind from his body and concentrate
on the task ahead. He plunged into a monster of a
smoke, this time determined to hold his breath for
as long as possible. Lunging forward, he grabbed
what he presumed was the staircase railing but,
missed his footing and felt on the floor, knocked out.
When Davou came to a few minutes later, his
ears picked up a soft moan, which seemed to
come from the top of the staircase. He whispered
a note of thanks to God, then picked himself up
and made his way cautiously forward with steely
determination. Once again, he grabbed the rail-
ing and this time he made no mistake. “Quick,
quick!” he hastened himself as he climbed the stair-
case and felt his way toward the moaning voice.
“Davou, come back, it’s not worth it. Remember
your pregnant wife; she needs you!” Davou recog-
nized the local shoe-shiner’s voice and grimaced.
Right now, the person who needed him the most
was the owner of that piteous moan. Thick smoke
blurred his vision; yet, he could see the outline
of the boy. From the opposite end, the fireball
raced toward the prone figure like a famished lion
that had just sighted a prey. He had to be faster
than the red enemy. He had to beat the beast.
At last Davou got to him and paused briefly to size
up the situation – a frail boy of about ten lay on
the ground, his arms and legs hanging limply. He
wore shorts, and his shirt, which was in shreds,
hung like strips of rags from his body; his crutches
lay on a crumpled heap by his side. Davou hoist-
ed him up on his shoulder. “It’s okay, I am here,
and it is alright,” he attempted to reassure the boy.
Davou then looked around frantically. Now that
he had gotten the boy he was at a loss as to how
to get out. The only option was through the glass
louvers. But, he had to smash them. With what?
He looked around again with bloodshot eyes and
saw a long iron rod with one end in the flames
and the other within reach. As he reached for the
rod, his money rumbled out of his left pocket and
the green notes, his life’s savings, lay scattered on
the floor. Should he pick them up? He just didn’t
have the time. Davou sighed and looked away as
his dream of a new motorcycle fizzled into noth-
ingness. Davou reached out again to pick the rod.
It was scorching hot. He could smell his roasting
flesh. He gritted his teeth. Lifting the rod above
Continued on page 32
By Kelechi Njoku
G
od’s choices are a reflection of His grace.
The thought stuns me as I look through
the pages of scriptures: David, the man
after God’s heart; Abraham, the father of
faith; Samson, the warrior, spiritual leader; Jeph-
tah, the mighty general of God’s army; Jacob, the
prophet and patriarch.
None of these men would have survived the media
scrutiny of today. They would have fallen short
of our standards. None of them would have sur-
vived the gossip within the church. But, they all
found a place in God’s heart. When it mattered
most, they stood for heaven’s purpose. They stood
for God’s will when men wavered. Imperfect, li-
ars, adulterers, cheats…the list is endless. But,
they left us a memorial. In today’s world we can
look back and say they stood, so we can stand.
How many strong men have fallen…?
I once thought that only the strong survive, but I
thought wrong.
As I write, I’m thinking of a few strong men who
have fallen. Simply for the sake of curiosity, go on
the internet and google: ‘fallen preachers.’ You’ll
be amazed at the results you get. It’s fascinating to
see the excitement some folks get when the men
who call themselves God’s own fall in error. Maybe
you can think of a couple of men who have fallen,
but please let’s not draw up a roster. When oth-
ers point fingers and judge them, I want you to
remember one thing: ‘they were men of like pas-
sions.’ They felt what you feel. They knew temp-
tation like you do. Unfortunately, strength failed
them. ‘It’s a jungle out there,’ a man once said.
Why has the world taking a pro-sex sells approach
to entertainment and commerce? To get men at
a point they are vulnerable! To weaken men and
keep them living at a standard the devil approves
of. Don’t get me wrong, the bible is not anti-sex.
If you doubt me spend a day with the songs of
Solomon; stop over in Proverbs and read lines like
‘let her breasts satisfy you at all times...’ (Trust
me; all scriptures are inspired by the Holy Ghost).
God’s standard for His men is sexual purity and
faithfulness. Guys, it’s time to clean our closets
and sanctify our hearts. God is calling out His sons
to a life of purity. The race is set before us; God’s
price awaits us. My brother, stand strong and finish
strong… do whatever you have to do. Resist iniqui-
ty until the point of death; whatever it costs, pursue
holiness. That’s the challenge of manhood because
you have a mantle in your hands. The mantle is to
love your wife and protect your children. I’m finally
grasping a revelation: it’s called the family. You see,
the family is designed to be the smallest and most
effective unit of the church. I know like me, you al-
ways thought it was your house fellowship. But, God
looks at the family as His smallest unit. The devil
knows that if he can mess up the man as efficiently
as possible, he can mess up the family. So, my broth-
er, we’ve got to stand in holiness… we have to stand
in truth. We need to stand for the kingdom. We are
God’s line of defense for our churches and families.
It’s a long road, it’s a tough call. When others are
weary, you might have to be the last man standing.
2 Samuel 23 tells a story of such a man:
“And after him was Shammah the son of Agee
the Hararite. The philistines had gathered togeth-
er into a troop where there was apiece of ground
full of lentils. So the people fled from the philis-
tines. But he stationed himself in the middle of the
field, defended it and killed the philistines. So the
lord brought about a great victory.” Verses 11-12
The Lord brought about a great victory because
one man stood for Him. He stood and said, ‘no
way is the enemy getting his hands on my stuff!’
Can one man make a difference? God is count-
ing on you to be the one man that makes a dif-
ference. He’s calling you to be His man for today.
He’s calling you to be His man for this generation.
Real Relationships | 31
 5 Tips continued
Investment Tip #5:
Assist in problem solving.
Isn’t it interesting that, for most men, work
gobbles up most of our most creative problem-
solving energies, our best leadership, and our
most noble attitudes? Home usually gets the left-
overs. One of my friends has on his office desk
a plaque that reads, “Save a little for home.”
Your wife would benefit if you saved a little more for
home too. Start by considering this question: What
one problem in your wife’s life, if solved, would truly
strengthen her? Is there a complete roadblock in the
way or just a small boulder? How could you remove it?
Here are some ideas:
Watch your wife carefully. Observing her life may turn
up problems that can be isolated and solved quickly.
Get the facts. What exactly is the problem? Whose
responsibility is it? What is the cause of the problem?
Discuss your alternatives together. Be sure to find
out what your wife really feels is best in the sit-
uation. She may be too close to the problem, or
she may know what needs to be done and simply
The Good Samaritan continued
his head, he smashed the louvers with one hand.
Again and again he smashed, fueled by despera-
tion, and the blackened glass tinkled to the floor.
Then, wrapping his body around the boy’s figure
to prevent the jagged ends of the glass injuring the
little boy, and to cushion him from the effects of
what he was about to do, Davou jumped from the
window, saving the boy’s life and risking his own.
At that instant, as if on cue, it started raining and the
rain subdued the ragging flames. Luka, the little boy,
32 | Real Relationships
need your leadership and backing to take action.
Go to God in prayer. Ask Him for the wisdom and
resources to solve the problem. Be careful of pro-
crastination; make a decision under God’s lead-
ership and then help your wife to implement it.
Evaluate the results. Inspect what happens. Re-
fine the decision and its Implementation through
thorough analysis of how things are working out.
Does your wife have an area or two in which she con-
sistently fails? Time management? Budgeting? Meal
planning? Problem solving at work or at home? You
can help. By choosing to develop her in these areas,
you encourage her growth so she can better handle
the pressure. But you have a choice. Either develop
her to handle the responsibilities or come along-
side her to help accomplish the tasks. She needs
you to help her become all God created her to be!
Adapted from Dennis and Barbara Rainey’s book
Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, published by
Thomas Nelson Publishers. Copyright © 1995 by Den-
nis Rainey. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
was unscathed and his mother received him, danc-
ing wildly in the rain. Davou however, was rushed
to the local primary health care center where he had
to stay for a month for he had suffered multiple cuts
and second degree burns. When anyone asked why
he did what he did and if he had any regrets, his
answer always was, “To many, I may just have been
passing by but, I believe the Almighty God placed
me there for a particular purpose. I am so glad I
recognized this and fulfilled it. This is my joy!”
editor@realrelationshipsmag.com

Real Relationships | 33
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By Isaac Aladeniyi
T
he final assessment of God concerning
His creation was a very good one (Gen.
1: 31). The only amendment was to solve
the problem of loneliness and create a re-
lationship for man (Gen. 2: 18). The man was excit-
ed and saw in the woman the bone of his bone and
flesh of his flesh, and called her a woman (Gen 2:
23). This was an expression of admiration and love.
He even went ahead to name her Eve. The relation-
ship was such an open one that the Bible described
it as being naked and not ashamed (Gen 2: 25).
The Bible says, “Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his
wife: and they shall be one flesh.” It was to be a
union that would hurt either party in any attempt
of a break; hence the word “cleave” was used for
the coming together of the two. It was the wish
of God that no one should put asunder what He
has joined together (Gen. 2: 24, Matt. 19: 5-6).
The emergence of a third party, the serpent, in the
marriage of Adam and Eve led to the fall of man.
Activities of third parties in homes have continued
to be a major cause of problems and divorce today.
The complete fall of man was a process, and the
complete break in marriages today is equally a pro-
cess, most especially as it relates to third parties. We
want to stress that it is not the presence of a third
party that causes a problem but, the management
of the different situations must not be ignored.
Those who qualify to be called third parties in marriage
include all that can put asunder what God has joined
together. They include children, neighbors, even Pas-
tors, in-laws (fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, etc.).
Marriage is made up of two separate individuals
who grow up under different biological, sociologi-
cal, psychological, and religious believes, as well as
economical and other factors that come together to
shape the individual. There is therefore, a period of
adjustment in marriage for the two before they get
used to each other. The dating or courtship period is
too short a time to know each other well enough for
marriage. Many marriages break at this stage; how-
ever, this article is not on adjustability in marriage;
so, we will limit ourselves to the problems of third
parties. The introduction of third parties at this stage
could worsen the situation if not properly managed.
In this issue, we will consider one form of third par-
ties, and how to manage their activities to reduce
their effects on any marriage…
Children
“Then God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be
fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it;
have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds
of the air, and over every living thing that moves on
the earth.’” Gen. 1: 28. Children are part of the bless-
ings of marriage; however, they should be treated
and put where they belong, and this is as third parties.
A major cause of divorce and infidelity in marriages in
some cultures is the absence of children in marriage.
We do not support this excuse because God did not
bring Adam, Eve and a child together; rather it was
only Adam and Eve. Adam admired Eve and the rela-
tionship was a very good one even without a child.
Many couples allow the arrival of a gift from God
in the form of a child or children to create a gap
Real Relationships | 35
 in their relationship. The affection for each oth-
er is often shifted to the children while expres-
sions of love are ignored. The focus of both are
on the children – taking care of them, showing
love, feeding them, training/raising them, etc., at
the expense of care and affection for each other.
Couples should remember that children come
into marriage for a period of time and by the time
they depart, it may be difficult to bridge the gap
that was created while they were still at home.
Some couples avoid sex for a very long time and
ignore body to body contact. The mother could be
breastfeeding, and a touch of the breast at this time
is in many situations, resisted by the woman. One
of her excuses is that it is unhygienic and not in
the interest of the child or children. However, our
view is that God knew that a woman would often
give birth to a child yet, He gave her two breasts.
The Bible says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and
rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer
and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all
times; And always be enraptured with her love”
(Proverb 5: 18-19). Does this include breastfeeding
times? What stops the man from holding his own of
the two breasts while the child holds his/her own?
Another area of concern is in communication be-
tween the couples. Several couples insult each
other in the presence of their children. Some even
bring their children into their quarrels, forgetting
that many of these children are not mature enough
36 | Real Relationships
to manage the information. Some of the children
are emotionally affected while some take sides
with either parent. The home is thereby divided.
The training of children is yet another area where
children, who are third parties, are allowed to put
a hole into the good relationship in the home. A
simple correction of a child could be allowed to de-
generate into a scuffle between parents. Some men
seem to love their children more than the women
who carry these children for nine months or more.
Some women however, think that their children
have only mothers and not fathers. They think
correction is an attempt to kill “their” children.
The result of all these is that homes are divided be-
cause of simple corrections. Children identify with
the one they feel love them, though in some cases,
they often grow to realize that the one they thought
really loved them only compromised their future.
Our recommendation is that corrections should
be carried out jointly by both parents as one. The
one who puts up the corrective action that hurts
the child should be the one to correct the situation.
Couples should not allow what God has joined to-
gether to be put asunder by children. They should
understand that the days of the children are limited
in the home.
Isaac Aladeniyi is Pastor of Victory Temple Charlotte,
RCCG, North Carolina USA
Real Relationships | 37
 Starting Small
by Dr. Uvoh Onoriobe
T
en years ago, I asked God to give me a
business idea that would give Him glory,
affect my generation and put money in
my pocket. It took me weeks of waiting on
Him. There are few things that I can put my finger
to and boldly declare- God told me! Publishing is
one of them. I heard Him say clearly: PUBLISH. The
vision was so lucid. I nurtured the dream for weeks,
did a lot of research on magazine publishing from
contracting authors, page layout to advertisement,
print process and marketing. It was a lot to learn.
I then went on to ask God for a team of people
who would believe in the dream enough to stand
by me and see it come to pass. He led me to a few
friends and family. The last thing I needed at that
time was a dream killer. Most people have that re-
main dreams- never seeing the day of completion.
Starting any endeavor requires guts, passion, and
commitment to see it come to fruition, hard work,
more hard work and perseverance. Jesus taught
saying ‘For which one of you, when he wants to
build a tower, does not first sit down and count
the cost, to see if he has enough to complete it?
Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation, and is
not able to finish, all who observe it begin to rid-
icule him, saying, “This man began to build and
was not able to finish.”’ I did not do a thorough
cost counting at that time. I was filled with excite-
ment and that drove us for a while. In the coming
years, I realized we did not have a proper business
management structure to sustain our enterprise.
I was filled with vision, purpose and drive but all
that was not enough. Today, I am resolved to see
our work assume a higher level. I resolve to do all
38 | Real Relationships
that is necessary to make it a project of excellence.
Are you about to start your own business? I have
some advice – Have a Business Plan written! A busi-
ness plan is your road map to starting and growing
your vision. It will make you answer tough ques-
tions that passion and excitement covers. A busi-
ness plan precisely defines your business, identi-
fies your goals, and serves as your firm’s resume.
The importance of a comprehensive, thoughtful
business plan cannot be overemphasized. Much
hinges on it: outside funding, credit from suppli-
ers, management of your operation and financ-
es, promotion and marketing of your business,
and achievement of your goals and objectives.
Before you begin writing your business plan, con-
sider four core questions:
What service or product does your business provide
and what needs does it fill?
Who are the potential customers for your product
or service and why will they purchase it from you?
How will you reach your potential customers?
Where will you get the financial resources to start
your business?
Next edition we will look at the business plan proper.
Until then, always remember- there is Grace to finish!!
Dr Uvoh is a Missionary Dentist and Editor-in-Chief of
Real Relationships Magazine