AM 1 IN LOVE ASELF- ANALYSIS TEST uestions for self-analysis, The questions listed below are Intended as an ‘ald In self-analysis. They are for the person who has doubts; they are not ‘meant to undermine the confidence of anyone who feel sure. The reader may answer each question for himself. “In many instances no one cari tell him what the what the answer should be. He must determine the significances of an affiimative. r.2 negative answer in his own case and welgh éach answer in the light of his own personality, the other person's personality, and the whole situation. ‘Not:all the questions necessarily apply to every person, and there is 1nd single criterion by which * he can solve his problem. One might answer all of them arid stil be in doubt f, inhis case, there were spetial considerations that aré not included. Above all, these questions are not to be ecored as a test, as in the case ofa” list of similar queries that appeared in a popular magazine. The questions were useful, but the authoi of the article suggested that each “yes” answer count 5-1/2 and that the total score would indicate the degree in infatuation or love. Such a ‘suggestion is absurd. Who can say that a "yes" answer means the same for ~ everyone? Moreover, not all "yes" answers would naceésailly be of equal value; and the configuration of answers; that is, ‘which ories answered "yes" and how they wore related, 88 well as the number of them, would be significant. . "Not answer are not necessary undesirable inthe ight ofa total uation Being in'fove cannot be éxpressed by a mathematical aversige, ” Furthermore, a pereon cannot make, himself in love by "goitig through the motions® of the things ‘suggested in the questions. Following, then, is the list of suggéstions'to aki the Reel benahe tenn che wef oret bai om 1 Do you tes to bein the company ofthe other pereon?, sDo youpreter thet Person's company to anyone else's? 2. _ Isthe individual personally attractive to you? Do feelincined wo eploglas for appearance, manners, ideas, conversation, language? Are you Confusing admiration with love and assuming that your relationships is a platonic variety involving no physical elements? Itls as unwise to attempt to rule out physical attraction ast is to permit such attraction 'to be the. entire basis of your relationship, “3. How do you make up after a quarrel of, difference? How do you go about fe-establishing your | relationship? 4. As youlook back over your relationship from the first meeting, how has it changed? 5. Doyou have common interest? Did you have these interests before you met? Or did you develop them together 7 Or did you become interested in the other person's interests? If the last Is the.case, are your interests sincere or are they a means of being attractive to the other person? ‘ 8. _Didtime enough lapse to tell? The sooner after: ‘meeting that the couple consider themselves in love, the greater the Probability of infatuation. 7. _ Isthere presenfanything more than physical attraction? How soon after your acquaintance began did you begin to be affectionate? If you fee! strong attraction toward the other Person, become stirred up when you are together, ‘dream about him or her constantly when you are Separated, even though you have known the individual only avery short time, there is possibtity that the attraction is largely physical: Atleest tho possibility is great enough to.make Postponement of maitlage desirable until you can be more sure. . 8." Doyoulove the individual a a person or do you like merely your feeling ‘about him or her? ‘Are you In love with a personality or “in love with ove?” ‘The boy or girl early in adolescence is Inclined to be attracted to persons of the opposite sex in general, Almost anyone possibly acceptable will Serve as the focal point for the new émotions that have aprung up within the'child. At that stage the child Is “In love with love". Some persons develop beyond this stage sooner than do others, ‘Where do you stand? * Are you still In the stage of being ‘In love with love?” 8. ~ Are you attracted to the individual for what he or she Is or for what you read Into him or her? Have you idealized the peteon to’ the point of, blindness, 86 that you pick out those traits that seem to fit your plcture of ‘an ideal spouse arid close your eyes to otherg? Is the individual like an oll painting, attractive bécause’of what Is on the canvas, or lke a motion, Picture soreen that reflects what Ie projected onto it?10. 11. 12, 13. 14, 16, Does the person ‘wear well" with your friends? You may see Qualltios that your friends do not appreciate or have not had Opportunity to observe. On the other hand, your friends will probably be ‘more objective and unbiased; they are not likely to be blind to shottoominge, ‘Are you attracted to the person for what he or she ls of for what he or she can give you or do for you? Over what matters and how frequently do you have conflict? Is the conflict open or suppressed? {s it superficial or fundamental? Are you willing to make concessions, or do you always expect the other Person .to do the pleasing, agreeing, and adjusting? Do you have any doubts about your love? * Acertain amount of doubt while fove is developing Is not at all unusual, When, however, the question is whether or not to many, the old adage, "When in doubt, don’ is apropos. ‘How do you weather a crisis together? . "Do you feel that you want to love the other person or thet you have to fight against it. |s yours a case in. which a strong physical attraction tends {0 draw you toward the other person, while an intelligent appraisal of : Pereonality makes you resist the pliysical appeal? 17, 18, . 18 Do you feel that, if you “Tet yourself go” and loved the other person as uch as you right, you would become submerged in his or her personality ‘and lose your individuality? ‘Are you sufficient stimulus for efich other when you are together, or do you require extemal stimuli, such as motion plotures, dancing, or a group Of people, to prevent boradom? ‘Towhat degree is your stimulus for each other limited to physical appeal? ‘Do you love the person in your calmer moments, or do you seemto be in fove only when your temperature or blood pressure are high and your heartis palpitating? .21. 27. In your mind, how does the Individual fare in competition with others? ‘As comparisons are made with others, is he or she always at the top of the list? Or are you constantly looking for "greaner pastures?" How readily and how frequently do you publicize what ought to be private? Calling attention to the other person's weaknesses, recounting embarrassing experiences, disclosing confidential Information may indicate disregard of the feelings of the other party. What Is the relationship between your enthusiasm and the presence or absence of the other person? . Do you feel that your relationship hangs'on a vary slender thread and could be easily broken? Do you willingly permit the person to date when you are éeparated for an extended period? "What s the reason for your answer, and what does t mean with regard to your relationship with the other person? Do you forgive, tolerate, accept, overlook, or resent faults and . ? Do Individual "faults and all," or are you holding yourself in check feform? : * pending . What is the effect of separation after itis over? Have you seen the individual in enough different types of eltuations and ‘observed enough different facets of personality to tall that you are in love? in some ways students in college are like animals in'a zoo. If you wanted to study lions, you mightleam a good deat about them by observing them in 200. You could, for example, see thelr size, shape, and color, ‘You might watch them eat thé food that the keepers Provided or do the tricks that the keepers taught them todo. But after you had observed the Hons as carefully as you could in the zoo, your knowledge of them would atl be lfmited. if you wanted sertously to study lions, you would have to obsérve them in their natural habitat. There you would ea that the proteotive coloration can make ever a large animal inconspicuous, There you would see animals survive or die ina ‘struggle for existerice that is31. reduced to a minimum in captivity. In many respects, a campus represent an artificial environment. In such environments, certain aspects of an individual's personality and life pattem may escape notice: Or the other Individual may base his Judgment of those aspects upon words rather than upon direct observation. Take, for: ‘example, the case In areal senso when a person mares, he marries a family as well as a spouse. if an individual has not been observed in his family, is it safe to rest one's Judgments upon what he ‘Says about family when what he says must of necessity be biased and incomplete? Do you see the person's faults and thelr significance? Or do you merely see faults in a distant, detached way without realizing what those faults would mean in. marriage? .: ‘When you are with other men or women without this person being present, do you think more or less Gfhim orher, as to both frequency and intensity? fhe hais told you in no uncertain terms that he ls sure he loves you and will love you forever, what part does this certainly play in making you feel: that you love him? f tfehe seems indifferent, hias it caused you to confuse love with the “spirit ofchase"? . a ° Are you-under pressure of some “test” of love, ‘such as “If you love me, you will do this and so on"? ” ‘To what extent do you fee! Identified with this pereon?: Do you think of yourselves as a pair or as Isolated individuale? How muct do you think of the individual's welfare and happiness? * Is there anything or anybody In life that you consider more valuable to you than this other person or that you love more than you love him orher? 'f 80, what or who is it and what does that fact mean to you? Do you have a desire to escape an unhappy home, school, or work ‘situation? Such a désire to escape often ‘makes the grass on the other side of the fence look greener’. ‘Marriage looks like the way out. Under such circumstances, It is easy to confuse infatuation with love.35. What has been your reaction to these questions? ‘Have you found it difficult to be honest with yourself? Haive you rationalized any of your answers? Have you dismissed the use of such analysis on the assumption that questions cannot help you anyway? Have the questions put you on the defensive, as if you were afraid they would undermine something not fully secure? ‘The reader may wonder whether there can be any true love, Doubts about his own feeling may have Increased. This may be temporarily confusing, but it fs not dangerous. Let him remember that a love that cannot stand the test of thirty five questions could never stand the test of thirty five years of marriage or, for that matter, even thirty five months of marriage. In many cases, try as‘he will, an individual cannot reach a conclusion’as to whether or not he is in love. ‘Sometimes the more he tries the more confused he becomes; and the more confused he becomes, the more he feels. impelied to reach -A conclusion, until the vicious circle into which he has been precipitated, absorbs 4 large portion of his time, enérgy, and attention. There is no simple Prescription that may be administered to such a person to rid him of the problem that Plagues him. Probably the answer is time and the explanation of his plight is this: He Is trying to reach a conclusion by intellectual processes alone, when that conclusion must be based at least in part on a growth process, and growth requires time. His experience upto this date in his relationship with the other person has contributed certain “data” that form part of the basis upon which a conclusion will eventually be reached, But the “data” dre Incomplete.and, although the individual goes ovér them, examines them, "digests" them again and again, he arrives nowhere. What he needs Is mora experience, more contact with and observation of the other person, more “data”. ‘This will require time. Since it Is indecision that Is plaguing him, and since any decision will ald him in breaking the vicious cirole, the individual should, ifhe can do 80, “make a decision to make no decision’; that Is, hé should definitely make up his thind to supend judgment until he has more "data" and for the time being stop trying to reach a conclusion. .. Putting all that we have discussed up to this point into a nutshell, we may say that two Individuals are in love not only when they have certain strong emotional fesponaes to oné another and have for each ‘other a particular type of regard. They are in love when thelr rhutual relationship fosters the growth of each individual and is Iteetf likely to increase in depth and satisfaction. They are in love when the begin to merge thelr pattems of life Into one common pattem thet will eventually represent anew entity of which each individual is Complementary part. In discussing love, we. may well ralse one further question. On what basis does one individial have the right to assume he will be loved by someone alse? To be loved Is a great privilege. To be loved Is also. great responsibility. When an Individusl allows himself to be loved, he holds in his hand the happiness, perhaps ‘even the destiny, of another person. Shall he ‘expect to be loved because he Is so lovable? Or shail he expect to be loved because the other person is so loving? As we ehalll see In a later chapter, upon his answers to these questions may rest his approach to one of the basic concepts of marital adjustment. ; @ & w