American Dad! Area 5.

1
By
Brady D
FADE IN

EXT. SPACE - NIGHT

Some stars and planets hang in space. A small spaceship
floats by.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

An empty cockpit blinks and BEEPS.

A WHOOSH as the interior door slides open.
A Roger-looking alien, RANDY, stumbles out, holding a mostly
empty liquor bottle. He moves towards the lone captains
chair.
The planets passing by the window are Pluto and then
Neptune.
He throws the bottle at a wall of computers, and it SMASHES
to pieces.
He slumps into the chair and slurs to himself.
RANDY
You wouldnt be anything without
me. (beat) Well, Ill show...
A monitor displays URANUS with an image of the passing
planet.
RANDY
Hee-hee. Your - Anus.
He grabs another bottle from under his chair, opens it, and
takes a swig.
RANDY
Ill show you.
He finishes the bottle in another gulp and smashes it
against the wall.

RANDY passes out as the ship speeds up and passes Jupiter

and then Mars.
 2.

EXT. WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAINS - NIGHT

The ship ends its fiery descent to Earth by disappearing in
the trees without a sound.

TITLE SEQUENCE

INT. SMITH LIVING ROOM - DAY

STAN sits in his recliner watching TV. ROGER YELLS from

upstairs.
ROGER
Stan! Stan!

His PITTER PATTER follows him downstairs. He appears at the

bottom with a tracking device receiver that is lighting up
and BEEPING.
ROGER
Stan! Stan!

He runs up to STAN.
STAN is now in a bad mood.
STAN
What is it? Im in the middle of
something.
ROGER holds out the device.
ROGER
Its one of my cousins. Hes here
on Earth!
STAN
And?

ROGER
And? He owes me big time, and I
need your help finding him.
STAN
I dont feel like it.
 3.

INT. STANS SUV - DAY

STAN is driving and ROGER is dressed up like an old lady.

STAN
Dammit!

INT. HAYLEYS ROOM - DAY

HAYLEY and JEFF sit around and watch a protest on TV.

HAYLEY
You know, we havent protested
anything in a long time.

JEFF
Youre totally right, babe. There
just hasnt been anything to
protest.

HAYLEY points to the TV.

HAYLEY
Well, I think its wrong whats
happening to those animals in West
Virginia. We should go.

JEFF is already up and packing a bag. He puts a bong in and

zips it up.
JEFF
Im already packing.

EXT. EMPTY RURAL ROAD - DAY

Stans SUV drives down the winding road.

STAN
Are you sure this is the right way?
Weve been driving for hours and
those beeps havent sped up.

INT. STANS SUV - DAY

As STAN drives, ROGER looks at the dot blinking on his
machine.

ROGER
As sure as I can read this device.
A Burger King appears ahead of them. ROGER points.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

ROGER
Oh, there! Go there!
STAN
Is that the way to go?

ROGER
Uhh - yes!

EXT. DRIVE THRU WINDOW - DAY

An elderly, stoner ATTENDANT talks to STAN through the

window.
ATTENDANT
So, thats 25 Whoppers and one
small fries, yo?
STAN looks angry.
ROGER
Yo.

He hands 3 bags over to STAN, and STAN passes them to ROGER.

ROGER
Pay him, Stan.

STAN
Ugh, fine.
STAN reaches into his pocket.

INT. STANS SUV - DAY

ROGER picks out one of the burgers and takes a bite as STAN
drives away.
ROGER
Oh, wait. These dont have my
favorite Special Mac Sauce.
ROGER rolls down the window, dumps all of the burgers out,
and then the bags.

STAN (ANGRILY)
Roger!
ROGER
What?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

STAN
Did you throw out my fries too?
ROGER
Uhh...

ROGER looks out the window and points excitedly to the North
bound lane.
ROGER
You need to go this way.

STAN
Thats the way we just came from!
ROGER
I told you I knew how to read the
device not how to hold it.

EXT. FACTORY PARKING LOT - NIGHT

A crowd has gathered with signs protesting outside a factory
building.
HAYLEY and JEFF are there.
HAYLEY
I forgot how much protesting takes
out of you.
JEFF
Yeah, babe, lets go back to the
van. I know what always lifts your
spirits - woah, and my spirits.

INT. JEFFS VAN - NIGHT

The whole van is smokey, and JEFF and HAYLEY sit stoned in
the back.

KLAUS slides up from the front in his small bowl.

KLAUS
Woah, guys. This is some strong
stuff, huh?

HAYLEY
What?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

JEFF
I didnt say anything.
KLAUS
What?

JEFF
Oh, hey, little fish dude.
KLAUS
This stuff has got me munching
hard, though.
HAYLEY
Woah, Klaus, you really shouldnt
be here. Dont you know where we
are?

EXT. FACTORY PARKING LOT - NIGHT

The factorys sign is lit up - Animal Testing Facility

Lightning CRACKS in the sky.

The scroll under it reads: This month specialty: Goldfish!
Bring your unwanted Goldfish for 50% tours. Tours - Hourly
KLAUS (O.S.)
Oh, you know what would be soo
good? Goldfish. Those delicious
goldeny cheesy crackers shaped like
- me!

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

Stans SUV drives on a lonely, tree-lined road.

INT. STANS SUV - NIGHT

ROGER turns his contraption upside down and backwards. STAN
looks over angrily.
ROGER whines.

ROGER
Are we there yet?
STAN
Youre the only one who would know!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

ROGER
Yeah, but I cant read this thing.
STAN mumbles to himself.
STAN
Why do I ever entertain your
hair-brained schemes?
ROGER
Because you love me. Besides, what
else would you be doing?

INT. SMITH LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

FRANCINE sits on the couch by herself with an empty fish
bowl on the coffee table.
FRANCINE
Wow, Klaus, youve been very quiet
today.

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

The headlights of the SUV flash on a dusty sign that reads:
Area 51

The car stops at it.

STAN
Area 51? I thought we moved that to
Colorado, not (beat) West Virginia.

A mountaintop in the distance is blown sky high, knocking

some dirt off the sign, making it read: Area 5.1

INT. STANS SUV - NIGHT

STAN is staring in disbelief as ROGER plays with his

contraption like a gun.
ROGER
Pew. Pew.

STAN
Area Five-Point-One? I dont even
know what that is!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

ROGER
Well thats where we have to go.
STAN
But, look, theres a guard station.
How are we going to get passed
that? And how do you know that this
is the right way?
ROGER
Leave that up to me.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT

An AGENT in a black suit and sunglasses purchases a Slim Jim
at the counter and walks out.

JEFF stares at the hot dogs and rolls his head as they roll
in the warmer.
HAYLEY has handfuls of snacks in a couple of bag and walks
up to JEFF.

HAYLEY
Come on, Jeff, I spent all of our
money. Lets get back to the
protest.

JEFF
Okay. Just five more minutes,
please?
HAYLEY
Okay, but Im going to the van.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT

KLAUS sits on the dashboard of the van when the AGENT walks
out.

The AGENT spots KLAUS, runs to the van, and looks around.
He grabs KLAUS through the open window and runs to his car.

HAYLEY walks out of the door and sees him, but the AGENT is
in his car and peeling away with SCREECHING tires.
She drops her bags and runs back into the store.
 9.

INT. STANS SUV - NIGHT

STAN and ROGER, dressed as STEVE, pull up to the security
booth.
A military security OFFICER steps up as STAN rolls down the
window.
OFFICER
This is a restricted area.
STAN
Quite, right. But Im just taking -
STAN hands over his CIA badge and points to ROGER who takes
a lick off a large lollipop.
STAN (CONT)
my boy to see the facility for
Father-Son day, you know.

ROGER
Yeah, Im his nerdy son whos
already bored enough with this not
to care anymore.

EXT. SECURITY BOOTH - NIGHT

OFFICER studies the badge.
OFFICER
Hmm. Just a moment.
OFFICER walks back into the booth and back out.
OFFICER (CONT)
Sir, could you pull over here.

He points beside the booth.

INT. STANS SUV - NIGHT

STAN turns to ROGER.

STAN
Shit, what are we going to do?
ROGER
You worry too much.
OFFICER walks up to the window and hands Stans ID back.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

OFFICER
Youre cleared, but its not
Father-Son day here, so youre son
-

He looks over and sees ROGER is gone.

OFFICER (CONT)
Hey, whered he go?
ROGER (O.S.)
I had to go to the bathroom.
STAN
Right. He, uh, had to go to the
bathroom, and so his mom came to
get him because he cant go in
strange bathrooms.
OFFICER
Alright, well, go on through Mr.
Smith.

EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT

As Stans SUV pulls down the road, ROGER is holding on
underneath.

It bounces over a small hill.

ROGER
Ow.
Some dust gets kicked up.

ROGER COUGHS.

EXT. FACILITY - NIGHT

HAYLEY and JEFF follow the AGENT, but he goes through the
front door, and they stop.
Two SOLDIERS guard the door.

JEFF spots an open air vent down the wall.

JEFF
Hey, what about that?
 11.

INT. FACILITY - NIGHT

A TOUR GUIDE is leading a group of various stereotypical
tourists and points to machinery and science-y stuff through
giant windows where scientists are working with some
animals.

ROGER, now dressed as an Asian tourist with socks and

sandals and a large camera around his neck, and STAN join up
from an adjacent hallway.

TOUR GUIDE
Okay, whos ready for a
demonstration?
The group gets excited.

STAN
Where is it saying we go? I dont
have time for this.
ROGER
Wait, wait. I want to see it.

A SCIENTIST brings up a giraffe and ties it to a machine.

TOUR GUIDE
And here we have a new lipstick
that we are testing.

SCIENTIST pushes a button and a machine arm extends upwards

to the giraffe, twisting open a lipstick.
THE GROUP
Oooo.

They are taking pictures.

The lipstick touches the giraffes lips, and it immediately
burns to ash.

A robot broom reaches out and sweeps it up.

TOUR GUIDE
Looks like that one is ready for
phase 3, right Bill? (beat) Now
lets test something a little
closer to a human.
SCIENTIST walks out a chimpanzee with a rope leash. The
chimp grabs the lipstick and begins to apply it himself.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

He goes crazy, beats SCIENTIST to a bloody death and runs

towards the group. He grabs a small CHILD before SHRIEKING
down a hall.
TOUR GUIDE
Moving on.
CHILDS MOM, an obese woman wears a yellow floral dress and
has a cigarette, two other BABIES, a stroller, and a beer in
her hands.

CHILDS MOM
My baby!
In the background, AGENT carries KLAUS through the testing
area.

KLAUS spots STAN.

KLAUS
Stan! Stan!
STAN turns to ROGER as the tour group moves.

ROGER
Is that Klaus?
STAN
Just ignore him. This could be our
chance.
KLAUS
STAN!
AGENT takes KLAUS through a door.

INT. FACILITY - NIGHT

The group is walking down another hallway when they pass by
a big door reading: CHURRO STORAGE
ROGER stops STAN.
ROGER
Its saying we need to go through
this door. Churro something.
The door starts to open.
STAN
Its opening! Behind there!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

They dip behind a trash can. A GUY wearing a poncho and

sombrero pushes a churro cart out while WHISTLING.
ROGER
Its a clue, Stan. Churro means
caution in Spanish.

STAN
I - I dont think thats right.
ROGER
I didnt write the language.
GUY passes by.
STAN
Lets go.

They step inside before the door closes.

INT. CHURRO STORAGE - NIGHT

STAN and ROGER look around and see boxes and boxes of
churros.
STAN
This isnt anything, Roger!

ROGER is stuffing his face with churros.

ROGER
What are you talking about? These
churros are delicious.

STAN
Ive had about enough.
ROGER
You havent even had one yet.

ROGER gets in close and slides a churro into STANs open

mouth.
STAN
Mmm mmm. Okay. Mmm. Not half bad.
(beat) But I was talking about
this. Im ready to go home!
ROGER looks at his machine.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

ROGER
Wait, Stan, were getting close.
ROGER walks around and then pulls down a curtain.
ROGER
Gasp. Aliens!

INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT

HAYLEY and JEFF are crawling around.

HAYLEY
Wait, why are we even chasing after
Klaus? Nobody likes him.

JEFF
Because he is part of the family.
How would you like if we left you
to be tested on?
They reach a vent and see AGENT talking to an elderly CEO
lady. KLAUS is on the desk.
JEFF (CONT)
Wait, shh, I see Klaus.

INT. CEO OFFICE - NIGHT

CEO sits behind her desk as she inspects KLAUS.
CEO
Hmm...a talking fish. We can do
something with this.
KLAUS
You cant do anything. I have a
lawyer! Plus I have a family.
Theyll come to get me.
CEO (TO AGENT)
You are dimissed.
AGENT walks towards the door.

KLAUS
Oh, please. Ill do anything. Just
let me go!
 15.

INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT

HAYLEY and JEFF look on.
JEFF
How are we going to get him?

HAYLEY
I dont know, but weve got to get
out of this duct first.

AGENT
Huh? Did someone say duck? Im on
it!
AGENT bounds away.

INT. ALIEN INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

Rows and rows of various size and shape ALIENS are tied up
and attached to machines.

ROGER and STAN walk around looking at them.

STAN
Oh, well never find him in here -
in this, what is this place?

ROGER
Its an alien interrogation room
-obviously. And its also obvious
they want to extract the secrets of
the universe.

They see RANDY.

RANDY
Roger? Roger! Over here!

ROGER looks at his contraption and taps it with a finger.

ROGER
Hmm...must be broken.
STAN
But, Roger, it looks just like you.
How is that not who youre looking
for?
A voice comes over a loud speaker.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

VOICE
Attention. Attention. Unauthorized
personnel in the extraction room.
All units, please respond.

ROGER
No time now, lets get out of here.
RANDY
But, Roger!

A handful of guards show up and knock STAN and ROGER out.

Two of them drag STAN away when a vent near the floor gets
kicked open.
They dont notice.

INT. ALIEN INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

JEFF and HAYLEY notice before STAN is dragged through a
door.

JEFF starts to yell.

JEFF
STA-

HAYLEY puts her hand over his mouth and shuts him up.
The guards continue through the door and it closes behind
them.
HAYLEY and JEFF start to walk around the room.

HAYLEY
What is this place?
JEFF
Hey, isnt that Roger?

JEFF points to RANDY.

INT. ALIEN INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

ROGER slowly blinks to see he is strapped down, but then

sees HAYLEY and JEFF trying to get RANDY down.
He yells.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

ROGER
Hayley! Jeff! Stop! Over here!
HAYLEY and JEFF see him and run over.
HAYLEY
Roger? But whos that?
ROGER
Oh. Thats just my dumb cousin from
the stupid side of my family.

HAYLEY
Whats he doing here? What are you
doing here?
ROGER
Never mind that - just get me down.
We have to save Stan!
They fiddle with the machine and harnesses.
ROGER
Just push that button there.
JEFF
I cant see where youre pointing.
ROGER
Thats because my arms are tied
down.
As HAYLEY pushes a button.
HAYLEY
Is it the one that says Release?
ROGER
OoooooOOoooHhh.
HAYLEY
Oh, gross. Does Release B mean
bowels? Then Release A must be
alien.
She presses it and ROGERs shackles open, and he drops down.

ROGER
Ohh. Thanks for pushing both
buttons.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

HAYLEY
Ok, gross Roger. Now where did they
take my dad?
ROGER
Just a second.
ROGER runs down to his cousin. He slaps RANDY with a white
glove and runs back.
HAYLEY
What was that for? Arent we going
to free him too?
ROGER
No! He knows what he did.

JEFF
Well, like, what if we freed all of
them? Isnt that what we came here
for, Hayley?

ROGER
Theres no time.
ROGER starts to run off.
ROGER (CONT)
This way.

INT. CEO OFFICE - NIGHT

STAN comes to and finds out hes tied to a chair with CEO
behind her desk.
She is reading his ID as a couple of guards block the door.
CEO
Good morning, Agent Smith, of the
Central Un-intelligent Agency.
STAN
Hey! You can insult me all you
want, but dont you dare insult the
Agency.

CEO
What are you doing here, Stan?
STAN
I was on a tour. Now let me out of
here.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

CEO
We have video of you driving in
through the security gate.
She points to a monitor playing his driving in from earlier.

STAN
I was - lost? What is this place
anyway? I saw the aliens.
CEO
Im sorry, Stan, but that is above
your security clearance.
She picks up his pistol.
CEO (CONT)
Im even surprised they let you
have a gun.
STAN
Who are you? And what is Area 5.1?

Some pictures of STAN and ROGER on the tour come up on the

screen.
CEO
I see youve already been through
the animal testing tour and made
your way to the extraterrestrial
examination and extraction room.
But while Im deciding what to do
with you, Ill give you a taste of
the secrets so classified your
bosss boss wouldnt even know they
exist.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

ROGER is leading JEFF and HAYLEY down a clinically clean

hallway. Hes holding his contraption out while it BEEPS.
HAYLEY
What is that?

ROGER
I put tracking chips in all of you.
They can also explode if I want
them to.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

HAYLEY
Roger!
ROGER
What? I might need to know where
any of you are at anytime for a
clean urine sample. I have a lot of
different jobs, you know? Also, I
might need to explode one of you at
anytime for any reason.

HAYLEY
Well deal with this when we get
out of here.
JEFF
Hey, this is almost where we were
when we saw Klaus except we were in
the vents.
HAYLEY
How do you know that?

JEFF
I dunno. Im just observant, I
guess.
Two guards are heard walking down another hall.

ROGER
Shh.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

The three are huddled together down a darker hallway.

ROGER
Okay, so Stan is through that door.

HAYLEY
So, you know the plan?
ROGER
Yes.

JEFF
Right.
ROGER
Then what are you still doing here,
Jeff?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

JEFF
Oh, right. Wait, what was the plan
again?
ROGER grabs him by the collar.

ROGER
Ooh, if I wasnt your mother. Just
go to your van.
JEFF
Right. Ive got it now.
JEFF runs off down the hallway when the 2 guards approach
from the other side.
ROGER turns to HAYLEY.

ROGER
Okay, you take the guy, and Ill
take the girl.
HAYLEY
Wait.
ROGER runs out SCREAMING and karate chops the female guard.
ROGER
Karate chop!

HAYLEY runs out after, grabs a trash can, and throws it at

male guards head.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

ROGER and HAYLEY are adjusting their new guard outfits and
ROGERs wig.
ROGER
Okay, lets do this.
They step up to the door to the office when they notice a
retina scanner.
ROGER (CONT)
No problem!
ROGER pulls out an eye from his pocket and holds it up to
the scanner.
The screen says MARTHA JUSTICE Access Granted.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.

The door slides open revealing a small room with 2 more

guards sitting in front of another door.
GUARD #1
Hey, shift change isnt for another
10 minutes.

HAYLEY
We, uh,
ROGER
We had to tell you that theres a
protest going on outside.
GUARD #2
Yeah, we know.

ROGER
Oh, I mean, its getting violent,
and we need more men out there.
The guards get up and head to the exit, COCKING their guns.

GUARD #1
Were on it!
The door slides closed behind them.
HAYLEY
Whew. Oh, great. Another retina
scan. Do you still have the eye?
ROGER digs through a trash can.
ROGER
Hayley, do I look like somebody who
would just toss a perfectly good
eye away?
He pulls the eye out.

ROGER (CONT)
Got it.
He tries to scan it. "Access Denied"

ROGER looks at the eye.

ROGER
Oh, theres some chocolate on it.
ROGER licks it off.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

ROGER (CONT)
Oh, thats not chocolate.
He licks again.
ROGER (CONT)
Still good though.
He tries again. "Access Denied"
ROGER
Shit. Hold on. Ill be right back.
ROGER runs out the door - it slides closed.
The door slides back open, and ROGER is splattered with
blood.

ROGER
He was a fighter, but...
ROGER pulls an eye out of his pocket and tries the scan:
"Access Denied"

HAYLEY
What?!
ROGER
Oh, wait.

He pulls out another bloody eye from his other pocket.

ROGER (CONT)
Here we go.

He scans it. "Access Granted"

The door slides open to CEOs office. STAN is still tied to
the chair. He turns.
STAN
Roger? Hayley?
HAYLEY
Hey Dad.

STAN
What are you doing here?
HAYLEY
Protesting the animal testing.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.

STAN
Without Jeff? Does this mean -
CEO
Enough with this little reunion.
Guards!

ROGER
Oh, theyre not out there.
ROGER pulls out his contraption. CEO puts her hands up.

CEO
Okay, alien. No need to be rash.
HAYLEY unties STAN.

ROGER
Just a little -
JEFFs van crashes through the wall, running over CEO.
ROGER (CONT)
Oh, thank God. I didnt have a next
move.
He tosses the contraption to the side.
JEFF yells out.

JEFF
Lets go!
An alarm sounds as the crowd of protesters start storming
in. STAN, ROGER, and HAYLEY run to the van and get in.

JEFF is about to pull out.

HAYLEY
Wait, were forgetting Klaus.

STAN
Leave him!
They pull off as protesters pour in.

A piece of rubble gets pushed aside. KLAUS appears from

underneath. He sees the van driving off.
KLAUS
Guys! Wait! Here I am!
 25.

INT. JEFFS VAN - DAY

HAYLEY turns to ROGER.
HAYLEY
So, what did your cousin even do?

ROGER
He drank the last cup of wine
before they opened another at his
moms third wedding. The bastard.

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

As the sun comes up, the van drives down the road.

Another mountaintop is blown off.

FADE OUT