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A Modest Proposal.

For the traditional honourable parents of good Muslim children on how to

make a modest proposal of marriage, and for the preventing their offspring

from going against the cultural values of their parents and preserving the

family honour.

2010 AD

A Modest Proposal 1
Time and time again over my many years of living in this great country, I have

come to question the difficulty in raising good Muslim Pakistani children in a

liberal, Western European environment. I have seen many parents struggle,

between the dichotomy of rearing good, modest, honourable, chaste and

domesticated daughters, and obedient, upstanding, righteous, ambitious and

virile sons. We live in a society which repeatedly turns our concerns and hopes

for our children into a combat zone and theatre of war. There, then, ensues a

struggle between the old and the young, family and friends, and moral instruction

and the influence of mass media, culminating in the fight of good versus evil.

Programmes such as Eastenders, Big Brother, Neighbours and Grange Hill have

become the opium of the innocents abroad. Western European mass media

repeatedly tells our children again and again that it is permissible to have a

boy/girl friend at the age of eleven of twelve or to have a child out of wedlock; or

that it is acceptable to kiss and partake in sexual relations with members of the

same sex or even another race. MTV, The Spice Girls and Madonna convey to

our daughters that it is socially desirable to dress like hookers, take your clothes

off, talk loudly, and “spread your legs open sitting on top of a car in full public

view”1. While our sons are being told that in order to be manly men, they must

spread their seed among the pagan and shiddi2 women.

1
As quoted by Mr Siddiqui the president of the UK Muslim Parliament on BBC TV’s Network East
discussion in 1991.
2

“Shiddi” is a Punjabi colloquialism for a black person; it is equal to the historical use of the word “nigger”
in the English Language and used nowadays by certain folks from the motherland/back home as a
descriptive word, but also by others who have moved abroad and know better, as a derogatory term.

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The foreign national institutions of the educational system do no better to serve

our purpose. Schools and colleges create an atmosphere of rebellion, our

children come home full of insurrection. In our own religious institutions, the most

pious and respected clerics are hauled out of the sacred jobs of instructing our

young on the righteous path. These revered instructors are then accused and

indicted before the English legal system, on charges of using violence against

delinquent offspring who refuse to take religious and moral instructions. These

holy and devout men are eventually incriminated in cases of hitting, and touching

disobedient unruly youngsters inappropriately in the most personal regions of

their bodies. The only “offence” they are in fact guilty of is teaching our youth the

honourable way to sit, walk, talk, wash and behave in a morally upstanding way.

Fortunately, very often, the parents of these aberrant and deviant offspring are

not coerced by so-called liberal schoolteachers into making such accusations.

The righteous and honourable elders will more often than not withdraw from

public life completely and promptly deliver the offending youth into the

comfortable safety of a stable marriage, or send them home to the native soil of

the motherland where such accusations are unheard of, because they just do not

occur.

How can we stop the disintegration and denigration of our extended family

structures, and the collapse of our cultural and social values? Is there a remedy?

Can anyone find a solution? How can we make sure our children abide by the

religious instructions of their ancestors and keep the lineage for future

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generations pure and righteous? The answer lies in the persuasion and

adherence to the age-old tradition of proposing a suitable marriage for our

offspring. The difficulties of making such proposals acceptable to our youth, is

where my modest proposal rests.

In my vast experience, and after extensive research, I have found that use of the

sensimilia herb will ensure that there is no refusal of an arranged proposal of

marriage.

I, therefore, modestly and respectfully propose that marijuana is the remedy to

the obnoxious rantings of any pubescent youngster who refuses to accept a

modest proposal of marriage from their elders. The consumption and ingestion of

the herb will placate and soothe any strong-willed mutinous offspring who

harbours ideas of dishonouring the family name. My recommendation for the use

of the herb would not be restricted to the bride and groom, but during the days of

the wedding, (which as you know may go on for up to fourteen days), be

prescribed to the whole of the participating family; and in extremely delicate

cases may also be administered to the guests, and various aunties3 who are

participating in the celebrations.

3
All elders are called either “uncle” or “auntie”, as they are placed into categories of being maternal and
paternal brothers/sisters of your parents, because the notion of having platonic relations with a member of
the opposite sex is non-existent. Every one of your parents friends are a brother/sister and therefore
ultimately have to be treated with the same amount of reverence. “Auntie-jies” are generally a breed of
their own, with all the subtlety, honesty and sincerity of a skinhead at a peace rally.

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The herb should first be dispensed when introducing the modest proposal to the

prospective bride or groom and prior to the arrival of any potential in-laws. For

girls4a low fat omelette with a generous sprinkling of marijuana will help to calm

the nerves, and dissuade her from making any disobedient or rebellious

outbursts of refusal when introduced to the proposing family. For the boys, those

who smoke tobacco can easily purchase cigarette-rolling contraptions or get a

Shiddi or hippie associate to prepare a rolled-up joint for his consumption. The

intake of the marijuana will also help to calm his nerves. Furthermore, it will blur

his perception suitably to allow for the acceptance of a girl who may, on first

sober sight, not be suitably aesthetically pleasing to his tastes.

On their first meeting, it is also advisable to brew a large teapot of herbal

marijuana (sweetened to taste), for communal distribution among whichever

family is visiting and for the receiving party. The nerves will undoubtedly be raw

on both sides, and potential mother-in-laws will be much more welcoming and

gracious to the foibles of the other’s offspring with a generous amount of

marijuana in their bloodstream. The minor details of the wedding will be

discussed on later and future meetings, but first impressions are so important: in

the first ten seconds of meeting one another for the first time both sides will be

decided as to whether or not they find the opposite side amenable enough to

pursue the matter further. If these first few moments are experienced in a

4
Prior to engaging in any sort of sexual relations, all females are referred to as “girls” and all males are
known as “boys” (only sexual relations with another person apply for this definition). There are, therefore,
thousands of parents of boys and girls, who are unaware that are misusing the term when inappropriately
referring to their offspring.

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magnificent haze of marijuana-induced affability, there will be an easy and ready

acceptance of the marriage proposal by both parties.

Once this initial contact has been made, and for all future people assemblies,

both parties should ensure that they have consumed generous amounts of the

herb prior to arrival. The prospective bride and groom should also ensue to

intake as much herb as is financially and physically possible until the actual

wedding. This will ensure that the details of the individuals concerned can also

be addressed in a congenial atmosphere.

Girls should try to impress the ease and pleasure with which they will complete

the household chores and cook for their new and extended family: the admission

of a penchant for needlework and sewing will greatly impress the in-laws, as will

having a fondness for children, the elderly, and catering for twenty plus people on

a daily basis. Girls should also aim to illustrate an interest in current affairs by

mentioning the latest Bollywood blockbuster, being careful not to dwell on the

assets and charms of the male lead too much. They should also agree to tow the

family party line in any political debates; although it is advisable not to be too

drawn on politics, as females can often appear to be “bolshi” when too politically

aware. The continuous use of marijuana will also speed up the metabolism and

should produce an appealing amount of weight loss before the wedding.

Although the consistent us of the herb sprinkled as a garnish on a hot spicy curry

will inevitably encourage an increase in weight, therefore, I propose for the bride

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to intake as much herbal tea as possible. A prospective mother-in-law will want to

know that her son can procreate from his bride and may well be interested in the

size of a girl’s hips and pelvic region, but as any auntie will tell you, most girls

gain at least two stone in weight after the birth of their first child.

Boys should impress upon prospective in-laws a high level of ambition and drive

that propelled them to graduate with a first class honours degree, preferably in

accounts, law, business administration or IT. Although the arts may be

acceptable to a certain extent due to the openness and relaxed outlook

encouraged by the marijuana use, too much discussion of poetry or literature will

induce a decidedly effeminate image, and this may well bring the virility and

reproductional capacities into question. Therefore, it is important to remember to

smile and gaze approvingly at your intended; this will be encouraged by the boy

being suitably stoned. If the vision rests on any ample part of her bosom or other

private regions, then let it rest there unchallenged. After marriage, the marijuana

will not undermine your masculinity, but make you more understanding of the

monthly times when your wife will be prone to emotional outbursts and homesick

for lost days of innocence.

The use of marijuana will be most important on the wedding night itself, which

can be an alarming occasion for an innocent virginal female and bring back

unnecessary memories of a carnal nature for the previously deflowered bride. I

propose that this is the occasion for consuming the largest amount of herb by the

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girl. After all the husband will not expect her to be an active participant and will

not begrudge her falling asleep, so all that remains is to lie back and think of the

Punjab. This is when the most herb should be consumed; perhaps when

decorating the bridal bedroom with the traditional abundance of flowers, the girl’s

friends could create an herbal centrepiece. A prepared bong5 for the use of the

newly wed couple for use in their most intimate moments and will make the night

if not more memorable, then certainly more calm and soothing than if two perfect

strangers were to be expected to consummate a marriage. A sense of alienation

is one of the main objections that our youth have to the arrangement of a

marriage, and this will no longer be an issue for refusal.

The groom will also be nervous about his first opportunity to impress his

tenderness and masculinity simultaneously to his bride. The consumption of a

sufficient amount of marijuana will aid in destroying any nerves about his

performance, without the dangers of alcohol induced bravado letting him down at

the last most climatic moment.

The families can also enjoy the wedding preparations within an atmosphere of

ease and congeniality. Any formal discussions of material matters such as dowry

can be undertaken with an affable and open mind. Unlike the homeland, where

two bullocks and a cow may have sufficed in the olden days, whilst living in

Europe we also have to consider the financial implications of marrying our

5
A ‘bong’ is similar in function to a hookah and can easily be prepared from an empty carrier bag and an
empty two litre diet coke bottle; illustrated leaflets are available on request.

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youngsters off well. Again the use of the communal bong, or even the passing

round of a hookah well-endowed with generous helping of marijuana, will make

proceedings much more pleasant.

The use of such a centrepiece hookah on the wedding banquet will also ensure

that the guests are sufficiently placated to forget any criticisms or potentially

dishonourable short fallings in the catering front. An agreeable and charming

time will be had by all. For those of a pessimistic or critical nature, enough

consumption of the herb will ensure sufficient memory loss, so as to make the

inevitable post-wedding gossip and analysis less vitriolic, and perhaps even non-

existent.

The advantages of the open and generous consumption of marijuana in the

proposal and arranging of marriages would, therefore, ensure that all parties

concerned are pleasant and most importantly, agreeable. The bride and groom

will be the coming together of two parties who truly cherish the sanctity of

marriage and with enough herb, will appreciate each other. This will ensure that

the current predicament befalling respectable elders is brought to an end. Elders

in the community will have no difficulty in persuading their youngsters to marry

and procreate in order to continue the tradition of the honourable, and the

righteous values of our moral well-being.

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