ART MIXture or kill pain

delicate

( A R T WA R LO G W I T H M Y PA I N )
 Project ART MIXture
I. ##WHY#?
!In!the!beginning,!I!thought!that!my!nal!project!will!be!dance!about!my!essence,!my!core,!
my!style!or!something!like!that.! !Because!I!have!much!more!experience!in!dance!than!in!
other!arts.

But...! I! have! had! pain! in! my! lowback! for! week! with! ups! and! down,! ! and! I! cant! dance!
enough!for!making!choreography.!I!dont!know!what!is!it!exactly:!maybe!there!is!creative!!
selfAresistance,!maybe!there!is!psychosomatics.! !First!I!sinked!into!small!depression!about!
that!for!two!days.!Cause!again!I!delay!dance!solo!preparation.

!But!its!time!to!turn!up!my!sleeves!for!nal!project.!!After!spending!some!time!in!thinking!
and!meditating!on!my!project,!I!gured!out!that!my!pain!is!also!me.!And!if!I!have!it!its!my!
reality! for! these! days.! And! if! I! really! believe! that! art! is! great! healing! method,! if! I! want! to!
devote! my! life! to! art! and! dance! therapy,! I! have! chance! to! examine! art! as! therapy! for!
myself.

I!can!do!project!for!healing!myself.!Yep!

When!I!got!this!point,!my!next!think!was,!that!it!would!be!great!to!do!as!a!longAterm!
project.! And! it! can! be! even! very! exciting!! There! is! like! a! small! start! of! my! healer!
development.! My! rst! patient! is! me.! I! hope! my! nal! project! will! be! ! positive! and! steady!
start!for!big!investigation.

II. WHAT?
So,$I$decide$to$deal$with$periodic$pain$in$lowback,$which$I$have.$Around$six$months$
ago,$ayurvedic$doctor$said,$that$kidneys$are$not$very$good.$And$I$admit$I$feel$fear.$Not$
even$one$thing$which$I$scared.I$worry$about$my$relationships,$my$family,$my$
development.$But$I$didnt$understand$what$hurts$me$so$much?$Why$$oneCtwoCtrhee$
times$in$month$I$have$pain$in$lowback,$have$trouble$with$thermal$regulation$and$cant$
do$anything?$

1
 I$want$to$focus$on$it$in$my$project.$Deal$with$pain$and$fear$which$stopped$me$here$
and$now,$and$last$4C5$months$also.

III. HOW?
I$called$my$project$ART$MIXture$or$kill$pain$delicate.
Art$mix$C$means$that$I$decide$to$make$a$kind$of$art$collage.$I$want$to$mix$them,$
because$ during$ this$ course$ I$ tested$ on$ myself$ how$ eective$ to$ apply$ several$ art$
techniques$ in$ one$ time.$ I$ perceived$ opportunity$ to$ go$ deeper$ in$ feeling$ and$
recognizing$ answer$ of$ inner$ voice.$ For$ example,$ if$ I$ dance$ my$ worries,$ I$ can$ see$
question$from$one$side.$If$I$paint$it$after$dance$session,$image$feeling$during$session,$
than$I$will$have$two$sides$already,$and$so$on.
So,$I$choose$next$activities:
C journaling$(physical$state,$feelings$during$and$after$experience);
C dance$moving$therapy;
C painting$(feeling$after$session);
C qigong$exrecise$like$a$kind$of$moving$therapy$and$dynamic$meditation;

I$organised$everyday$session$from$17C00$till$19C00/19C30.$I$chose$this$time$because$
meridian(of(kidneys*$is$active$during$this$time.$Usually$I$do$qigong$or$yoga$in$the$rst$
half$ of$ day,$ but$ I$ decide$ to$ test$ how$ it$ works$ for$ healing.$ I$ want$ to$ examine$ $ this$
assumption.
* C$Term$from$traditional$Chinese$medicine,$use$also$in$Acupuncture.
Consequence$of$healing$session:
1. Qigong$practice$C$40C60$min.$

YinCstyle$ training$ with$ slow$ deep$ movements,$ very$ soft$ warm$ up,$ more$ inner$
work,$small$breaks$with$streching.$

2
 Two$times$special$ $therapeutic$complex$Dao$yin.$It$consist$from$8$movements$
and$practice$$supposes$to$repeat$each$movement$at$least$3$times.
2. Healing$meditation$$C$20$min.

$dynamic$meditation$with$closed$eyes$on$chakras$(10$min);$complex$from$qigong;
$staying$or$sitting$with$keeping$warmed$palms$on$diseased$area$(10$min).$Hear$I$
add$my$improvisation,$its$like$guided$imagery:$I$concentrate$on$warm$energy,$which$
is$ owing$ from$ my$ hands,$ image$ how$ my$ kidneys$ is$ cleaning,$ healing$ and$ all$ fears$
and$ tensions$ go$ down$ through$ my$ feet.$ I$ give$ my$ worries$ and$ disease$ to$ Mother$
Earth.
3.Dance$Moving$Therapy$session$C$20C25$minutes.

Hear$I$dont$have$any$strict$structure.$But$I$start$from$authentic$dance$and$focus$
on$ my$ lowback.$ In$ the$ end$ of$ dance$ session$ I$ dance$ something$ like$ accepting,$
releasing,$expanding.
4.Painting
5.journaling$
I$am$not$sure$now$what$I$will$have$in$the$end.$Exactly$I$will$have:

$some$dance$session$video$with$healing$focus;
some$pictures;
journaling$with$describing$of$feeling,$intention,$results.

Daily#journal
Day(1((05.06.2017)
1. Qigong$(60$min);
2. Healing$meditation$(15$min);
3.Dance$session$(20$min);

3
 Objective:$accepting$my$body$with$aching$area,$focus$on$feeling$in$the$diseased$
area$$(lowback,$kidneys).$For$keeping$power,for$more$safety$and$more$inside$focus$
I$danced$only$lying$horizontally$on$the$oor.
Description$of$feeling:
In$ the$ beginning$ I$ lay$ for$ a$ long$ time$ without$ movement,$ concentrated$ on$$
lowback.$Then$I$felt$desire$to$strech$my$back,$to$release$this$area.$First$I$started$to$
move$legs$up,$down$and$round;$then$added$turning,$twisting,$bending.$Sometimes$I$
did$yoga$asanas,$I$felt$I$need$to$interchange$tension$and$stretch$lowback.$Seemed,$I$
wanted$to$spread$my$bodys$lines$from$this$point,$and$release...
Second$ moment$ which$ I$ noticed$ like$ important$ C$ stroking$ myself.$ In$ the$
beginning$of$session$I$stroked$only$aching$part.$But$then$I$start$to$sliding$my$palms$
through$other$part$of$body,$and$I$felt$awkward$a$little$bit,$but$I$pointed$it$and$kept$
doing$ it.$ Later$ it$ became$ comfortable$ and$ I$ felt$ it$ like$ process$ of$ accepting$ and$
supporting.
One$ interesting$ moment,$ i$ remembered$ that$ I$ used$ to$ dance$ belly$ dance$
shimmy(hips$ shaking$ with$ body$ isolation)$ for$ healing$ lowback$ $ several$ years$ ago$
and$it$worked.$I$think,$one$my$movement$on$the$oor$very$similar$to$belly$shimmy.$
You$can$see$it$on$video.$
Link$on$dance$session:$https://youtu.be/bpGrBSu3qgg
4.$Painting$after$session;
I$ sensed$ myself$ freshly$ after$ session.$ I$ felt$ lightness$ in$ my$ body.$ Very$ pleasent$
sense.$ And$ image$ which$ I$ would$ draw$ C$ me$ in$ Qigong$ bird$ posture$ with$ wings$
instead$arms.

4
 Day(2((06.06.2017)
1. Qigong$(50$min);
2. Healing$meditation$(15$min);
3.Dance$session$(20$min);
Objective:$ pay$ attention$ to$ aching$ area;$ accepting$ of$ myself,$ supporting$ myself.$ I$
guess$I$need$some$support,$cause$I$lose$myself$from$time$to$time$about$value$of$what$
I$do.
I$ began$ from$ authentic$ movement,$ from$ focus$ on$ lowback.$ I$ added$ sitting$
position$to$my$dance,$not$only$lying,$because$I$feel$ $only$a$little$nagging$pain.$Thanks$
to$it,$I$danced$more$free,$without$alertness$about$sudden$discomfort.

5
 During$ session$ I$ felt$ that$ my$ muscles$ are$ more$ relaxed,$ my$ lowback$ is$ grasped$
less,$less$tension$and$more$comfort$in$this$area.$Again$I$sensed$intention$to$strech$
back,$ legs;$ to$ do$ some$ yoga;$ to$ twist,$ contract$ and$ extend$ as$ close$ and$ open$ my$
body.
Than$I$danced$a$few$with$my$fear,$and$after$that$danced$expression$as$I$throw$all$
negative$energy,$fears,$tension,$everything$what$I$dont$need$anymore.$During$this$
experience$I$felt$impulses$to$wave,$kick$my$members.$I$wanted$to$spin$from$side$to$
side.$Suddenly$I$remembered$one$song$which$found$one$day$ago$which$I$like$from$
rst$listening$to.$I$turned$it$on.$After$watching$video$how$I$danced$during$this$song,$I$
have$assumption$that$this$dance$gave$me$much$more$acception$of$myself$with$my$
sensitivity.
After$ all$ I$ tried$ to$ dance$ like$ I$ support$ myself,$ care$ about$ myself.$ $ I$ felt$ more$
accepting$of$my$body.$$I$still$wander$how$it$works,$despite$I$tested$this$magic$many$
times.:)$
And$ one$ more$ curious$ thing$ about$ culmination$ my$ session:$ I$ started$ to$ dance$
movements$of$animal$from$qigong.$And$I$was$surprised$that$I$danced$movements$of$
dear.$Cause$I$didnt$learnt$this$comlplex$yet.$Now$I$know$only$bird,$tiger,$dragon.$But$
I$saw$these$movements$maybe$one$year$ago,$our$master$showed$us.$It$was$amazing$
and$amusing.$
Link$on$dance$session:$https://youtu.be/x8dWCVVJs4o
4.Painting$after$session;

I$ painted$ back$ with$ warm$ $ stone$ on$ lowback.$ This$ stone$ radiates$ selfChelp$ and$
selfCappreciation.$And$one$more$picture$about$feeling$and$expression.

6
7
 Day(3((07.06.2017)
1. Qigong$(50$min);
2. Healing$meditation$(10$min);
3.Dance$session$(25$min);
Objective:$ 1.$ exploration$ fear,$ closed$ nature;$ 2.$ $ adoptation$ to$ the$ space;$ 3.$
lowback$dance$$C$one$more$time$to$remind$my$body$that$I$am$in$love$with$myself;$4.$
slow$conclusion.
This$ session$ I$ started$ from$ exploration$ of$ my$ fear,$ my$ closed$ nature.$ Focus$ on$
impulses$ to$ hide$ or$ defende.$ I$ was$ closing$ face$ during$ experimentation,$ hid$ neck,$
back,$sides$of$body.$I$felt$it$like$fear$before$strangeness.$Also$fear$to$manifest$myself,$
anxiety$to$be$unadopted$with$my$feeling$and$art.$
Then$I$slipped$to$playing$with$space.$Dancing$some$kind$of$adaptation.$I$touched$
the$oor,$checking$that$ground$is$solid,$ $that$I$can$be$sure,$because$space$is$frendly$
and$I$have$support.
"Then$I$danced$about$10$minutes$to$adopt$body$and$mind$after$experimentation.$
One$dance$for$my$lowback$and$last$part$of$authentic$movements.$Now$I$can$say$for$
sure$ that$ crinkling$ and$ twisting$ are$ very$ helpful$ for$ lowback$ ache,$ you$ can$ do$ it$
standing$or$lying$on$the$oor.$
I$became$much$more$fresh$and$awakened$after$session,$cause$I$was$a$little$sick$in$
the$beginning.$$
Link$on$dance$session:$https://youtu.be/5jeRrdJXeik
4.Painting$after$session;
This$ time$ I$ decide$ to$ image$ how$ I$ was$ afraid$ when$ I$ danced$ my$ fears.$ When$ I$
started$to$draw$hair$I$suddenly$understood$that$I$would$draw$it$on$end.$I$am$not$sure$
about$translate,$but$you$can$see$it$on$the$picture.

8
 Day(4((I08.06.2017)
I$decide$to$make$one$day$for$rest.$I$feel$that$its$also$important$task$for$my,$cause,$
I$dont$exclude$that,$maybe,$sometimes$I$just$overrushing$myself,$thats$why$my$body$
answers$me$with$pain$and$desease.
Good$news$C$Pain$went$away.$Bad$news$$C$I$feel,$I$came$close$to$delicate$point:$my$
fears,$ my$ thin$ part$ where$ something$ stranged$ hidden$ and$ stopping$ me.$ And$ I$ took$
time$for$digesting$my$experience.$I$wanted$to$consider$what$I$did$and$decide$what$I$
should$do$next.$$I$just$let$myself$relax,$meditate$on$my$inner$peace.$Painting$by$my$left$
hand$ with$ pastel$ pleases$ me$ a$ lot.$ I$ get$ full$ rest$ while$ I$ lost$ myself$ in$ painting$ and$
especialy$by$my$left$hand.
Day(5((09.06.2017)
1. Qigong$(50$min);
2. Healing$meditation$(15$min);
3.Dance$session$(20$min);

9
 Objective:$ Whole$ day$ I$ was$ ghting$ with$ mind$ game$ about$ reasons$ of$ periodic$
trouble$with$my$health.$$I$was$angry,$cause$it$often$happens$last$year,$when$I$plan$big$
project,$I$become$sick$and$loose$chance$to$do$my$best.$$That$is$why$rst$goal$C$$dance$
my$negative$emotions$about$all$above.$Second$part$of$session$C$release$from$negative$
patterns$and$thoughts.$And$centering$in$the$end.
Dance$session$began$hardly.$I$felt$myself$more$balanced$after$qigong$practice$and$
healing$ meditation,$ but$ I$ decide$ to$ dance$ some$ unpleasant$ feeling,$ and$ focusing$ on$
that$makes$awakened$all$anxiety$and$irritation$about$question$without$answers$in$my$
had.$
In$ the$ beginning$ I$ set$ without$ movements$ for$ some$ time.$ Then$ something$ $ like$
chaos$ $ started$ to$ happen.$ I$ cried$ and$ my$ movements$ were$ slow,$ characterless$ and$
amorphic.$But$then$step$after$step$dierent$impulses$lead$me$to$dance$some$Head$
and$body$cleaning.$As$if$I$drop$out$something$from$my$head,$as$though$I$shake$out$
bullshit$from$my$skull.$Two$times$I$remember$impulse$to$shake$whole$body.$I$felt$it$like$
hysterics$and$intent$to$drop$out$all$overtension.$Then$movements$slipped$to$waves$as$
though$I$ventilated$my$head.$
Second$part$of$session$I$danced$about$accepting$myself$with$my$worries.$I$began$
focus$ on$ impulses$ again.$ Dance$ transformed$ into$ some$ selfCdetermination$ and$
manifestation$ of$ myself.$ I$ tested$ my$ seloood.$ I$ began$ from$ left$ hand,$ tested$ how$ I$
want$to$dance$only$it.$Than$I$sent$this$impulse$to$body,$after$to$right$hand,$and$then$to$
whole$body.
In$the$end$of$session$I$felt$impulse$to$dance$a$lot$of$round$movements,$and$I$felt$
like$ I$ want$ just$ to$ sit$ calm$ in$ the$ posture,$ and$ want$ to$ move$ less$ and$ less.$ It$ was$
comfortable.$And$I$nish$in$th$silent.$My$body$desired$peace.$
I$feel$myself$comfortable$and$more$centered$after$session.$I$dont$feel$anxiety$and$
irritation$anymore.$Body$vibrates$with$grateful$warm$for$caring.$As$if$I$visited$sauna$or$
massage.$And$inspite$of$I$know$I$will$feel$some$fear$again$and$again,$now$I$am$good,$I$
am$in$harmony$with$myself$and$feel$myself$more$sure.
Link$on$dance$session$(number$4):$https://youtu.be/XxiupJqNL9U
4.Painting$before$and$after$session;

10
 Today$I$made$two$pictures:$before$and$after$session.$And$for$more$realistic$result$
I$did$it$with$my$left$hand.$Free$doodling$helped$me$to$put$down$my$emotional$phone$
before$movement$session.$I$called$rst$picture:$Mess$in$my$head.$

11
 After$session$I$had$idea$to$draw$with$my$left$hand$again,$and$again$head.$I$found$
curious$ that$ on$ the$ second$ picture$ had$ turnes$ to$ right,$ whereas$ on$ the$ rst$ picture$
had$turnes$to$left.$I$called$second$C$Good$things$need$time$to$grow.

CONCLUSION
Now$I$see$that$experience$which$I$have$after$this$project$is$more$valuable$$than$if$I$
just$created$choreography.$Because$healing$part$of$project$$was$$also$important$as$art$
part.$I$didnt$make$beautiful$dance,$but$my$dance$is$very$sincere.$
I$ understood$ that$ I$ love$ painting$ and$ I$ would$ keep$ habbit$ to$ draw$ or$ doodling$
everyday.
I$again$wandered$how$our$body$is$responsive$and$about$magic$which$is$$created$by$
contact$ with$ body.$ Again$ I$ surprised$ how$ much$ my$ body$ can$ tell$ me.$ I$ know$ about$
dance$moving$therapy$for$two$years.$My$experience$is$one$book$and$one$$conference$
(full$three$days)$last$Summer.$I$dance$regularly,$but$I$never$spent$so$much$power$on$
my$authentic$nature,$on$my$weakness,$on$my$inner$source.$It$was$like$intimate$dialog$
between$ my$ body$ and$ my$ soul.$ Now$ I$ am$ more$ familiar$ with$ going$ out$ of$ my$
movement$experience$and$try$to$explore$and$discover$something$new$about$myself.$I$
guess$ it$ is$ also$ great$ way$ to$ create$ choreography,$ because$ feeling$ could$ manifest$
themself$through$very$beautiful$and$unusual$movements.$The$more$deeper$I$immerse$
in$my$senses,$the$more$expressive$and$talking$my$movements.$It$is$magic!
I$ am$ sure$ of$ myself$ as$ selfChealer$ now.$ I$ know$ I$ can$ manage$ my$ mind,$ focus$ on$
good$things$like$goodness,$openess,$tenderness,$gratefulness.$
Regarding$my$physical$state,$I$would$say$I$feel$myself$much$better.$$Its$not$end$of$
my$deal$with$kidneys$and$worries,$but$thanks$to$my$project$I$know$I$can$lead$it.$I$am$
ready.$ I$ can$ conrm$ assumption$ that$ qigong$ practice$ during$ time$ of$ meridians$
activity$ $ is$ really$ eective.$ It$ helps$ even$ if$ general$ condition$ is$ not$ very$ good.$ $ And$
qigong$is$good$warmup$before$dancing.$Concentrating$on$aching$area$with$some$heal$
imagery,$sending$love$and$communication$with$deseased$body$is$very$helpful.$And$of$
course$dance$also$great$medicine.$

12
 I$cut$viedos$from$dance$session,$cause$sometimes$I$didnt$move$for$a$long$time$and$
sometimes$it$was$repeating$or$mess=)$But$I$tried$to$keep$informative$value,$hope$I$did$
it$well.$If$you$have$question$or$want$to$see$full$version,$I$am$open$to$share$=)$
I$would$say$thank$you$everyone,$
who$ participate$ in$ this$ course.$ I$
understood$ that$ sometimes$ I$ need$
support$ to$ be$ brave$ in$ my$ creative$
process,$and$it$works$in$group$very$
well.$ I$ was$ inspired$ by$ every$ week$
of$ study.$ I$ was$ touchful$ $ by$ works$
of$ other$ students$ and$ I$ saw$ that$ I$
am$ not$ alone$ with$ some$ troubles$
and$ fears.$ It$ is$ essential$ for$ me.$ I$
would$ $ continue$ in$ the$ same$
stream,$ it$ is$ wanderful.$ Thank$ you$
one$more$time$for$sharing!
Be$brave.
Elena.

13