October 20, 2010

Meaningless! Meaningless!
Says the Teacher.
Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.

- Ecc 1: 2

There are few experiences in life that are more universal than disappointment. It

seems as if everyone has experienced a broken promise, an unfulfilled expectation or a

shattered dream. I am part of that everyone.

One day, we were discussing Nietzsches Doctrine of Eternal Recurrence when

our teacher asked me, If theres something you want to change in your life, what would

that be? Hesitantly, I answered, Nothing, I am happy with my life now.

But that was a lie. I suffered Albert Camus notion of the meaninglessness of the

world. Indeed, it was devastating.

I never knew about authentic and inauthentic existence before. Then the truth

slapped at me: I was living inauthentically. For Kierkegaard, making choices without

allowing ones values to confer differing values to the alternatives is, in fact, choosing

not to choose --- to leave everything to chance.

 That defined me. I chose not to choose. I followed someone elses decision for

me. I lived by the standards of this world. Consequently, I realized that I am refusing to

live in the consequences of my own freedom. That is why I choose to live by the rules: an

inauthentic existence. Im afraid it became my essence because human essence is

determined by life choices and I have made it my choice.

A person can choose to act in a different way, and in my case, I chose to be good

rather than cruel. Yet, since I can choose whether to be good or cruel, then is only

means that I am neither o those essentially. I know that I define myself. Yet, I a m

mistaken that I could wish to be something --- like a bird (my nicknames tweet2), for

instance --- and then be it. The right thing is that I am defined by the way I act and my

responsibility for my actions.

I even denied my concrete past. I even wanted to change my facticity. I felt

trapped by it. When my father died I felt sudden devastatingly the worlds

meaninglessness. I always blame that whenever Im in a difficult situation; always

wishing it never happened, believing that I could have a much better if only he lived. I

was in the belief that my choices now is because of this past. I believed that my choices

have been limited --- that my life now rooted from it. I struggled with this stupidity.

Again, inauthenticity.
 I was constantly in despair --- always hopeless. I was prone to giving up easily,

feeling that it is absurd to keep on persisting on things what I considered to be a losing

battle. I would always let other do what I think I cant. Anyway, they can do it better.

Quietism has been constant dripping water in my existence. Yet, existentialism taught

me to avoid living my life in ways that will put me in perpetual danger o having

something meaningful break down. And quietism poses this threat.

Rationality, for one thing, has been my grounds as a philosophy major. I have

always believed in reason. In reason, there comes an answer to everything. The idea of

Aristotle that man is a rational animal has long since dwelled in my mind. Although it

was opposed and challenged by Empiricism, I remained to be a rationalistic animal.

However, existentialism changed this. I found out that human reason, indeed, has

boundaries; it is insufficient when it comes to existential problems.

For Sartre, he calls rationality as bad faith, as an attempt by the self to impose

structure on a world of phenomenon that is fundamentally irrational and random. He

believes that it hinders people from finding meaning in freedom. I have read about this

and realized that reason is not all. Although of course it is fundamental in understanding

and interacting with the objective world, as Kierkegaard would term it.
 Albert Camus believed that society and religion falsely teaches humans that the

Other has order and structure. When my longingness for an order collides with the

Others lack of order, a third element is formed, which Camus would call Absurdity.

In my own sense, I succumbed to numerous values and beliefs. I was raised by

these and am living with these on my shoulders. I believed in karmic ways such as a bad

thing can never happen to a good person. Again, existentialism opened my eyes to what

I call the mistaken belief.

To this world, existentialism teaches that theres no good person or a bad thing;

what happen happens and it may just as well happen to a good person as to a bad

person. This is because of the worlds absurdity. At any point in time, anything can

happen to anyone, and a tragic event could plummet someone into a direct

confrontation with the Absurd.

The existential philosophers, particularly Camus, stressed in persisting even

through the encounters with the absurd. It greatly helped me. It made me look towards

whatever happens to me, whether it be good or bad, positively. It comforts me knowing

that what I am experiencing or what I experienced can happen to all or it may as well

have happened to them already. Its just that, it happened to me first or I would, later.

Its more like death, and I agree with Heidegger that it is mans ultimate potentiality. We

are all towards it.

 Furthermore, existentialism diminished but not altogether erased my fear of

death (although I fear the way I would I die). However, the main point is that, I dont fear

to die anymore, to what will be of me after I die. Yes, it is true. It lessened my worries in

life. My anxieties were limited.

Moreover, I have longed believed in some kind of determinism. I believed that

everything is already determined resulting, again, with much inauthenticity. As a

daughter and as a student, I should act in accordance with what these roles project to

the society. These images correspond to some sort of a social norm. I am not saying that

my conforming to these norms made me inauthentic. Its just that, I have let these

norms hold me in ways that it should not. My attitude towards my freedom is not right. I

have treated my freedom wrongly; I even felt that I have lost my freedom. Thanks to

existentialism, I was awakened.

When I started to know about inauthentic and authentic existence, I then

struggled to find myself and when I found it, to live in accordance with this self. I

know, in the past, that I have repeatedly failed. I have live in accordance to someone

elses acts or in accordance with the requirements of the society.

One is not only responsible for ones actions, but also for the values one hold. In

my existentialism classes, my faith was always at stake. My God is constantly questioned;

even the very foundations of my beliefs were put to the test. I agree that I am

responsible or believing thus. I am in the roper age now, as the society would profess, I

have now the responsibility of my own choices. Although of course I believed that from

the very start, I am responsible for my self. Moreover, my belief towards my God, I could

happily declare, remained intact.

Now, I have learned about my freedom and that to act according with my

freedom is what it means to live authentically. I am towards living this kind of life --- to

live in accordance with my choices, to not fear the consequences of my actions. Now, I

know what it truly means to be free.