Mrs Bixby and the Colonels Coat

by
Roald Dahl

1
AMERICA IS THE years old. To support The woman is and travel to
LAND of these ladies in the flabbergasted Baltimore to visit her
opportunities for manner to which stupefied, humiliated old aunt. She would
women. Already they they are accustomed, defeated. The spend the night with
own about eighty-five the men must work audience of men the aunt and return
percent of the wealth like slaves, which is around the bar to New York on the
of the nation. Soon of course precisely smiles quietly to following day in time
they will have it all. what they are. But itself and takes a to cook supper for
Divorce has become now at last, as they little comfort from her husband. Mr
a lucrative process, approach their the fantasy. Bixby accepted this
simple to arrange premature middle There are many of arrangement
and easy to forget; age, a sense of these stories going goodnaturedly. He
and ambitious disillusionment and around, these knew that Aunt
females can repeat it fear begins to creep wonderful Maude lived in
as often as they slowly into their wishful-thinking Baltimore, and that
please and parlay hearts, and in the dreamworld his wife was very
their winnings to evenings they take to inventions of the fond of the old lady,
astronomical figures. huddling together in unhappy male, but and certainly it
The husband's death little groups, in clubs most of them are too would be
also brings and bars, drinking fatuous to be worth unreasonable to
satisfactory rewards their whiskies and repeating, and far deny either of them
and some ladies swallowing their too fruity to be put the pleasure of a
prefer to rely upon pills, and trying to down on paper. there monthly meeting.
this method They comfort one another is one, however, that 'Just so long as you
know that the with stories. seems to be superior don't ever expect me
waiting period will The basic theme of to the rest to accompany you'
not be unduly these stories never particularly as it has Mr Bixby had said in
protracted for varies. There are the merit of being the
overwork and always three main true. It is extremely beginning.
hypertension are characters - the popular with twice- 'Of course not,
bound to get the poor husband, the wife, or thrice-bitten darling,' Mrs Bixby
devil before long, and and the dirty dog. males in search of had answered `After
he will die at his The husband is a solace, and if you are all, she is not your
desk with a bottle of decent clean-living one of them and if aunt. She's mine.'
benzedrines in one man working hard at you haven't heard it So far so good.
hand and a packet of his job. The wife is before, you may As it turned out,
tranquillisers in the cunning, deceitful, enjoy the way it however, the aunt
other. Succeeding and lecherous, and comes out. The story was little more than
generations of she is invariably up is called Mrs Bixby a convenient alibi for
youthful American to some sort of and the Colonel's Mrs Bixby. The dirty
males are not jiggery-pokery with Coat, and it goes dog, in the shape of
deterred in the the dirty dog. The something like this: a gentleman known
slightest by this husband is too good Mr and Mrs as the Colonel, was
terrifying pattern of a man even to Bixby lived in a lurking slyly in the
divorce and death. suspect her. Things smallish apartment background, and our
The higher the look black for the somewhere in New heroine spent the
divorce rate climbs, husband. Will the York City. Mr Bixby greater part of her
the more eager they poor man ever find was a dentist who Baltimore time in
become. Young men out? Must he be a made an average this scoundrel's
marry like mice, cuckold for the rest income. Mrs Bixby company. The
almost before they of his life? Yes, he was a big vigorous Colonel was
have reached the age must. But wait! woman with a wet exceedingly wealthy.
of puberty, and a Suddenly, by a mouth. Once a He lived in a
large proportion of brilliant manoeuvre, month, always on charming house on
them have at least the husband Friday afternoons, the outskirts of the
two ex-wives on the completely turns the Mrs Bixby would town. No wife or
payroll by the time tables on his board the train at family encumbered
they are thirty-six monstrous spouse. Pennsylvania Station him only a few

2
discreet and loyal remarkable woman, the string. `I'll bet it's black. At first she
servants, and in Mrs a person of subtle a dress,' she said thought it was black;
Bixby's absence he and exotic talents, aloud. `It might even but when she held it
consoled himself by fascinating beyond be two dresses. Or it closer to the window
riding his horses and measure; and what a might be a whole lot she saw that there
hunting the fox. very different thing of beautiful was a touch of blue
Year after that was from the underclothes. I won't in it as well, a deep
year, this pleasant dentist husband at look. I'll just feel rich blue, like cobalt.
alliance between Mrs home who never around and try to Quickly she looked
Bixby and the succeeded in making guess what it is. I'll at the label. It said
Colonel continued her feel that she was try to guess the simply, WILD
without a hitch. anything but a sort colour as well, and LABRADOR MINK.
They met so seldom - of eternal patient, exactly what it looks There was nothing
twelve times a year is someone who dwelt like. Also how much else, no sign of
not much when you in the waiting-room it cost.' She shut her where it had been
come to think of it - silent among the eyes tight and slowly bought or anything.
that there was little magazine, seldom if lifted off the lid. But that, she told
or no chance of their ever nowadays to be Then she put one herself, was probably
growing bored with called in to suffer the hand down into the the Colonel's doing.
one another. On the finicky precise box. There was some The wily old fox was
contrary, the long ministrations of tissue paper on top; making darn sure he
wait between those clean pink she could feel it and didn't leave any
meetings only made hands. hear it rustling. tracks. Good for him.
the heart grow 'The Colonel There was also an But what in the
fonder, and each asked me to give you envelope or a card of world could it have
separate occasion this,' a voice beside some sort. She cost? She hardly
became an exciting her said She turned ignored this and dared to think. Four,
reunion. and saw Wilkins, the began burrowing five, six thousand
'Tally-ho!' the Colonel's groom, a underneath the dollars? Possibly
Colonel would cry small wizened dwarf tissue paper, the more.
each time he met her with grey skin, and fingers reaching out She just couldn't
at the station in the he was pushing a delicately, like take her eyes off it.
big car. `My dear, I'd large flattish tendrils. Nor, for that matter,
almost forgotten how cardboard box into 'My God' she cried could she wait to try
ravishing you looked. her arms. suddenly. `It can't be it on. Quickly she
Let's go to earth.' 'Good gracious me!' true!' She opened slipped off her own
Eight years she cried, all of a her eyes wide and plain red coat. She
went by. It was just flutter. `My heavens, stared at the coat. was panting a little
before Christmas, what an enormous Then she pounced now, she couldn't
and Mrs Bixby was box! What is it, on it and lifted it out help it and her eyes
standing on the Wilkins? Was there a of the box. Thick were stretched very
station in Baltimore message? Did he layers of fur made a wide. But oh God,
waiting for the train send me a message? lovely noise against the feel of that fur !
to take her back to ' the tissue paper as And those huge wide
New York. This 'No message,' the they unfolded and sleeves with their
particular visit which groom said, and he when she held it up thick turned-up
had just ended had walked away. and saw it hanging cuffs ! Who was it
been more than As soon as to its full length, it had once told her
usually agreeable, she was on the train, was so beautiful it that they always
and she was in a Mrs Bixby carried took her breath used female skins for
cheerful mood. But the box into the away. the arms and male
then the Colonel's privacy of the Ladies' Never had she seen skins for the rest of
company always did Room and locked the mink like this before. the coat? Someone
that to her these door. How exciting It was mink, wasn't had told her that.
days. The man had a this was ! A it? Yes, of course it Joan Rutfield
way of making her Christmas present was. But what a probably; though
feel that she was from the Colonel. glorious colour! The how Joan would
altogether a rather She started to undo fur was almost pure know anything about

3
mink she couldn't She would miss him root canals, cardboard box in her
imagine. enormously. bicuspids, and arms. She signalled
The great black coat Slowly, Mrs Bixby caries, would start for a taxi.
seemed to slide on to began stroking the asking a few 'Driver,' she said
her almost of its own lovely soft black fur questions if his wife `would you know of a
accord, like a second of the coat. suddenly waltzed in pawnbroker that's
skin. Oh boy ! It was What you lose on the from a week-end still open around
the queerest feeling ! swings you get back wearing a here?'
She glanced into the on the roundabouts. six-thousand dollar The man behind the
mirror. It was She smiled and mink coat. wheel raised his
fantastic. Her whole folded the letter, You know what I brows and looked
personality had meaning to tear it up think, she told back at her, amused.
suddenly changed and throw it out of herself. I think that 'Plenty along Sixth
completely. She the window, but in goddamn Colonel Avenue,' he
looked dazzling, folding it she noticed has done this on answered.
radiant, rich, that there was purpose just to 'Stop at the first one
brilliant, voluptuous, something written on torture me. He knew you see, then will
all at the same time. the other side: perfectly well Aunt you please?' She got
And the sense of Maude didn't have in and was driven
power that it gave ps. Just tell them enough money to away. Soon the taxi
her! In this coat she that nice generous buy this. He knew I pulled up outside a
could walk into any aunt of yours gave it wouldn't be able to shop that had three
place she wanted to you for Christmas. keep it. brass balls hanging
and people would But the thought of over the entrance.
come scurrying Mrs Bixby's mouth, parting with it now 'Wait for me, please,
around her like at that moment was more than Mrs Mrs Bixby said to the
rabbits. The whole stretched wide in a Bixby could bear. driver, and she got
thing was just too silky smile, snapped 'I've got to have this out of the taxi and
wonderful for words! back like a piece of coat!' she said aloud entered the shop.
Mrs Bixby picked up elastic. `I've got to have this There was an
the envelope that 'The man must be coat! I've got to have enormous cat
was still lying in the mad!' she cried. this coat!' crouching on the
box. She opened it `Aunt Maude doesn't Very well, my dear. counter eating fish
and pulled out the have that sort of You shall have the heads out of a white
Colonel's letter: money. She couldn't coat. But don't saucer. The animal
possibly give me panic. Sit still and looked up at Mrs
I once heard you this.' keep calm and start Bixby with bright
saying you were But if Aunt Maude thinking. You're a yellow eyes, then
fond of mink so I got didn't give it to her, clever girl, aren't you looked away again
you this. I'm told it's then who did? ? You've fooled him and went on eating.
a good one. Please Oh God! In the before. The man Mrs Bixby stood by
accept it with my excitement of finding never has been able the counter, as far
sincere good wishes the coat and trying it to see much further away from the cat as
as a parting gift. For on she had than the end of his possible, waiting for
my own personal completely own probe, you know someone to come,
reasons I shall not be overlooked this vital that. So just sit staring at the
able to see you any aspect. absolutely still and watches, the shoe
more. Good- bye and In a couple of hours think. There's lots of buckles, the enamel
good luck. she would be in New time. brooches, the old
York. Ten minutes Two and a binoculars, the
Well! after that she would half hours later, Mrs broken spectacles,
Imagine that! be home, and the Bixby stepped off the the false teeth. Why
Right out of the blue, husband would be train at Pennsylvania did they always
just when she was there to greet her; Station and walked pawn their teeth, she
feeling so happy. and even a man like quickly to the exit. wondered.
No more Colonel. Cyril, dwelling as be She was wearing her 'Yes?' the proprietor
What a dreadful did in a dark old red coat again said, emerging from
shock. phlegmy world of now and carrying the

4
a dark place in the 'Oh yes, it is. But, as in and claim the any old thing you
back of the shop. I said, I only want to article?' wanted isn't that so?'
'Oh, good evening,' borrow enough to 'Yes, I know that' 'Do you want a
Mrs Bixby said. She tide me over till 'Simply on the description or don't
began to untie the Monday. How about number.' you?' the man asked
string around the fifty dollars?' 'Yes, I know.' 'No,' she said. `I
box. The man went 'I'll loan you fifty 'What do you want trust you.'
up to the cat and dollars.' me to put for a The man wrote `fifty
started stroking it 'It's worth a hundred description.' dollars' opposite the
along the top of its times more than that 'No description word value on both
back, and the cat but I know you'll either, thank you. sections of the ticket
went on eating the take good care of it It's not necessary. then he tore it in half
fish heads. until I return.' Just put the amount along the
'Isn't it silly of me?' The man went over I'm borrowing.' perforations and slid
Mrs Bixby said. `I've to a drawer and The pen-nib the lower portion
gone and lost my fetched a ticket and hesitated again, across the counter.
pocketbook, and this placed it on the hovering over the He took a wallet from
being Saturday, the counter. The ticket dotted line beside the inside pocket of
banks are all closed looked like one of the word ARTICLE. his jacket and
until Monday and those labels you tie 'I think you ought to extracted five ten
I've simply got to on to the handle of put a description. A dollar bills. `The
have some money for your suitcase, the description is always interest is three per
the week-end. This is same shape and size a help if you want to cent a month,' he
quite a valuable exactly, and the sell the ticket. You said.
coat, but I'm not same stiff brownish never know, you 'Yes, all right. And
asking much I only paper. But it was might want to sell it thank you. You'll
want to borrow perforated across the sometime.' take good care of it
enough on it to tide middle so that you 'I don't want to sell won't you?'
me over till Monday. could tear it in two, it.' The man nodded but
Then I'll come back and both halves were 'You might have to. said nothing.
and redeem it.' identical. Lots of people do.' 'Shall I put it back in
The man waited, and 'Name?' he asked 'Look,' Mrs Bixby the box for you?'
said nothing. But 'Leave that out. And said. 'I'm not broke, 'No,' the man said.
when she pulled out the address.' if that's what you Mrs Bixby turned
the mink and She saw the man mean. I simply lost and went out of the
allowed the beautiful pause, and she saw my purse. Don't you shop on to the street
thick fur to fall over the nib of the pen understand?' where the taxi was
the counter, his hovering over the 'You have it your waiting. Ten minutes
eyebrows went up dotted line, waiting. own way then,' the later, she was home.
and he drew his 'You don't have to man said. 'It's your 'Darling,' she said as
hand away from the put the name and coat.' she bent over and
cat and came over to address, do you?' At this point an kissed her husband
look at it. He picked The man shrugged unpleasant thought 'Did you miss me?'
it up and held it out and shook his head struck Mrs Bixby. Cyril Bixby laid
in front of him. and the pen-nib 'Tell me something,' down the evening
'If only I had a watch moved on down to she said. `If I don't paper and glanced at
on me or a ring,' Mrs the next line. have a description the watch on his
Bixby said `I'd give 'It's just that I'd on my ticket how wrist. `It's twelve and
you that instead. But rather not,' Mrs can I be sure you'll a half minutes past
the fact is I don't Bixby said 'It's give me back the six', he said. You're
have a thing with me purely personal.' coat and not a bit late, aren't
other than this coat.' 'You'd better not lose something else when you?'
She spread out her this ticket then.' I return?' 'I know. It's those
fingers for him to 'I won't lose it.' 'It goes in the books.' dreadful trains. Aunt
see. 'You realise that 'But all I've got is a Maude sent you her
'It looks new,' the anyone who gets number. So actually love as usual. I'm
man said, fondling hold of it can come you could hand me dying for a drink,
the soft fur. aren't you?'

5
The husband folded time when she for the setting of its 'She does do them.
his newspaper into a thought they were seeds and all those But I have to price
neat rectangle and wonderful, those brilliant yellow petals everything up first.
placed it on the arm Edwardian jackets are just a waste of She doesn't know
of his chair. Then he with high lapels and time, a boast, a who's rich and who
stood up and six buttons down the masquerade. What's isn't.'
crossed over to the front, but now they the word the 'This Martini is
sideboard. His wife merely seemed biologists use? perfect,' Mrs Bixby
remained in the absurd. So did the Subsexual. A said setting down
centre of the room narrow stovepipe dandelion is her glass on the side
pulling off her trousers. You had to subsexual. So, for table. 'Quite perfect.'
gloves, watching him have a special sort of that matter, are the She opened her bag
carefully, wondering face to wear things summer broods of and took out a
how long she ought like that and Cyril water fleas. It handkerchief as if to
to wait. He had his just didn't have it. sounds a bit like blow her nose. `Oh
back to her now, His was a long bony Lewis Carroll, she look!' she cried
bending forward to countenance with a thought, waterfleas seeing the ticket. `I
measure the gin, narrow nose and a and dandelions and forgot to show you
putting his face right slightly prognathous dentists. this I found it just
up close to the jaw, and when you 'Thank you, darling,' now on the seat of
measurer and saw it coming up out she said, taking the my taxi. It's got a
peering into it as. of the top of one of martini and seating number on it, and I
though it were a those tightly fitting herself on the sofa thought it might be a
patient's mouth. old-fashioned suits it with her handbag on lottery ticket or
It was funny how looked like a her lap. `And what something, so I kept
small he always caricature of Sam did you do last it.'
looked after the Weller. He probably night?' She handed the
Colonel. The Colonel thought it looked like I stayed on in the small piece of stiff
was huge and Beau Brummel. It office and cast a few brown paper to her
bristly, and when was a fact that in the inlays. I also got my husband, who took it
you were near to him office he invariably accounts up to date.' in his fingers and
he smelled faintly of greeted female 'Now really, Cyril, I began examining it
horseradish. This patients with his think it's high time minutely from all
one was small and white coat you let other people angles, as though it
neat and bony and unbuttoned so that do your donkey work were a suspect tooth.
he didn't really smell they would catch a for you. You're much 'You know what this
of anything at all, glimpse of the too important for is?' he said slowly.
except peppermint trappings that sort of thing. 'No dear, I don't.'
drops, which he underneath; and in Why don't you give 'It's a pawn ticket.'
sucked to keep his some obscure way the inlays to the 'A what?'
breath nice for the this was obviously mechanic?' 'A ticket from a
patients.' meant to convey the 'I prefer to do them pawnbroker. Here's
'See what I've bought impression that he myself. I'm extremely the name and
for measuring the was a bit of a dog. proud of my inlays.' address of the shop -
vermouth' he said But Mrs Bixby knew 'I know you are, somewhere on Sixth
holding up a better. The plumage darling, and I think Avenue.'
calibrated glass was a bluff. It meant they're absolutely 'Oh dear, I am
beaker. I can get it nothing. It reminded wonderful. They're disappointed. I was
to the nearest her of an ageing the best inlays in the hoping it might be a
milligram with this. peacock strutting on whole world. But I ticket for the Irish
'Darling how clever.' the lawn with only don't want you to Sweep.'
I really must try to half its feathers left. burn yourself out. 'There's no reason to
make him change Or one of those And why doesn't that be disappointed,'
the way he dresses, fatuous Pulteney woman do Cyril Bixby said. `As
she told herself. His self-fertilising flowers the accounts ? a matter of fact this
suits are just too - like the dandelion. That's part of her could be rather
ridiculous for words. A dandelion never job, isn't it?' amusing.'
There had been a has to get fertilised

6
'Why could it be They're ashamed of 'But it's my ticket! Mrs Bixby was about
amusing, darling?' it'. Please let me do it to say yes to this,
He began explaining 'Then you think we Cyril! Why should but caught herself
to her exactly how a can keep it?' you have all the just in time. She had
pawn ticket worked, 'Of course we can fun?' no wish to be greeted
with particular keep it This is now 'You don't know like an old customer
reference to the fact our ticket.' these pawnbrokers, by the pawnbroker
that anyone 'You mean my my dear. You're in her husband's
possessing the ticket ticket,' Mrs Bixby liable to get cheated' presence.
was entitled to claim said firmly. I found 'I wouldn't get 'No,' she said slowly.
the article. She it. cheated honestly I `I don't think I will.
listened patiently 'My dear girl, what wouldn't. Give it to You see, it'll be even
until he had finished does it matter ? The me, please.' more thrilling if I
his lecture. important thing is 'Also you have to stay behind and
'You think it's worth that we are now in a have fifty dollars,' he wait. Oh, I do hope it
claiming?' she asked. position to go and said smiling. `You isn't going to be
'I think it's worth redeem it any time have to pay out fifty something that
finding out what it we like for only fifty dollars in cash neither of us want.'
is. You see this dollars. How about before they'll give it 'You've got a point
figure of fifty dollars that?' to you' 'I've got that,' there,' he said. `If I
that's written here? 'Oh, what fun!' she she said. `I think.' don't think it's worth
You know what that cried `I think it's I'd rather you didn't fifty dollars, I won't
means?' No, dear, terribly exciting, handle it, if you even take it.'
what does it mean?' especially when we don't mind. 'But you said it
'It means that the don't even know 'But Cyril, found it. would be worth five
item in question is what it is. It could be It's mine. Whatever it hundred.'
almost certain to be anything, isn't that is, it's mine, isn't 'I'm quite sure it will.
something quite right, Cyril? that right?' Don't worry.'
valuable. 'You mean Absolutely anything!' 'Of course it's yours, 'Oh, Cyril, I can
it'll be worth fifty 'It could indeed, my dear. There's no hardly wait! Isn't it
dollars?' although it's most need to get so exciting?'
'More like five likely to be either a worked up about it.' 'It's amusing,' he
hundred' ring or a watch.' 'I'm not. I'm just said slipping the
'Five hundred!' 'But wouldn't it be excited that's all.' ticket into his
'Don't you marvellous if it was a 'I suppose it hasn't waistcoat pocket.
understand?' he real treasure? I occurred to you that `There's no doubt
said. 'A pawnbroker mean something this might be about that.'
never gives you more really old like a something entirely Monday morning
than about a tenth of wonderful old vase masculine a came at last and
the real value.' or a Roman statue.' pocket-watch, for after breakfast Mrs
'Good gracious! I 'There's no knowing example, or a set of Bixby followed her
never knew that.' what it might be, my shirt-studs. It isn't husband to the door
'There's a lot of dear. We shall just only women that go and helped him on
things you don't have to wait and to pawnbrokers, you with his coat.
know, my dear. Now see.' know.' 'Don't work too hard,
you listen to me. 'I think it's 'In that case I'll give darling' she said
Seeing that there's absolutely it to you for 'No, all right'
no name and fascinating! Give me Christmas,' Mrs 'Home at six?'
address of the the ticket and I'll Bixby said 'I hope so.'
owner.' 'But surely rush over first thing magnanimously. `I'll 'Are you going to
there's something to Monday morning be delighted But if have time to go to
say who it belongs and find out!' 'I think it's a woman's thing, that pawnbroker?'
to?' I'd better do that.' I want it myself. Is she asked.
'Not a thing. People 'Oh no!' she cried that agreed?' 'My God, I forgot all
often do that. They `Let Me do it!' 'That sounds very about it. I'll take a
don't want anyone to 'I think not. I'll pick fair. Why don't you cab and go there
know they've been to it up on my way to come with me when I now. It's on my way.'
a pawnbroker. work'. collect it?'

7
'You haven't lost the to be pawned for having a sandwich. Coyly, beginning to
ticket, have you?' only fifty dollars I'll Good-bye.' giggle, she raised one
'I hope not' he said be damned if I know. At half past one eyelid a fraction of
feeling in his Someone's crazy.' precisely, Mrs Bixby an inch, just enough
waistcoat pocket `No, 'Cyril! Stop keeping arrived at Mr Bixby's to give her a dark
here it is.' me in suspense! I place of business blurry view of the
'And you have can't bear it !' and rang the bell. man standing there
enough money?' 'You'll go mad when Her husband in his in his white overalls
'Just about.' you see it' white dentist's coat, holding something
'Darling,' she said, 'What is it?' opened the door up in the air.
standing close to 'Try to guess.' himself. 'Mink!' he cried.
him and Mrs Bixby paused. 'Oh Cyril, I'm so `Real mink!'
straightening his tie, Be careful, she told excited!' At the sound of the
which was perfectly herself. Be very 'So you should be. magic word she
straight.' If it careful now. You're a lucky girl, opened her eyes
happens to be 'A necklace,' she said did you know that?' quickly and at the
something nice, 'Wrong.' He led her down the same time she
something you think 'A diamond ring.' passage and into the actually started
I might like, will you 'You're not even surgery. forward in order to
telephone me as warm I'll give you a 'Go and have your clasp the coat in her
soon as you get to hint. It's something lunch, Miss arms.
the office?' you can wear.' Pulteney,' he said to But there was no
'If you want me to, 'Something I can the assistant, who coat. There was only
yes.' wear? You mean like was busy putting a ridiculous little fur
'You know, I'm sort a hat?' instruments into the neckpiece dangling
of hoping it'll be 'No, it's not a hat,' he sterilizer. 'You can from her husband's
something for you, said laughing. finish that when you hand.
Cyril. I'd much 'For goodness sake, come back.' He 'Feast your eyes on
rather it was for you Cyril! Why don't you waited until the girl that!' he said waving
than for me.' tell me?' had gone, then he it in front of her face.
'That's very generous 'Because I want it to walked over to a Mrs Bixby put a
of you, my dear. Now be a surprise. I'll closet that he used hand up to her
I must run.' bring it home with for hanging up his mouth and started
About an hour later, me this evening.' clothes and stood in backing away. I'm
when the telephone 'You'll do nothing of front of it pointing going to scream she
rang, Mrs Bixby was the sort!' she cried with his finger.' It's told herself. I just
across the room so `I'm coming right in there,' he said.' know it. I'm going to
fast she had the down there to get it Now - shut your scream.
receiver off the hook now!' eyes.' 'What's the matter,
before the first ring 'I'd rather you didn't Mrs Bixby did as she my dear? Don't you
had finished. do that.' was told. Then she like it?' He stopped
'I got it!' he said. 'Don't be so silly, took a deep breath waving the fur and
'You did! Oh, Cyril, darling. Why and held it, and in stood staring at her,
what was it? Was it shouldn't I come ?' the silence that waiting for her to say
something good?' 'Because I'm too followed she could something.
'Good!' he cried. `It's busy. You'll hear him opening 'Why yes,' she
fantastic! You wait disorganise my the cupboard door stammered `I . . . I . .
till you get your eyes whole morning and there was a soft . think it's . . . it's
on this! You'll schedule. I'm half an swishing sound as lovely . . .really
swoon!' hour behind he pulled out a lovely.'
'Darling, what is it? already.' garment from among 'Quite took your
Tell me quick!' 'Then I'll come in the the other things breath away for a
'You're a lucky girl, lunch hour. All hanging there. moment there, didn't
that's what you are.' right?' 'All right! You can it?' 'Yes, it did.'
'It's for me, then?' 'I'm not having a look!' 'Magnificent quality,'
'Of course it's for lunch hour. Oh well, 'I don't dare to,' she he said. `Fine colour,
you. Though how in come at one-thirty said laughing. too. You know
the world it ever got then while I'm 'Go on. Take a peek.' something, my dear?

8
I reckon a piece like with a broken clasp
this would cost you on his denture.'
two or three hundred Mrs Bixby moved
dollars at least if you towards the door.
had to buy it in a I'm going to kill that
shop.' 'I don't doubt pawnbroker, she told
it.' herself. I'm going
There were two right back there to
skins, two narrow the shop this very
mangy-looking skins minute and I'm going
with their heads still to throw this filthy
on them and glass neckpiece right in
beads in their eye his face and if he
sockets and little refuses to give me
paws hanging down. back my coat I'm
One of them had the going to kill him.
rear end of the other 'Did I tell you I was
in its mouth biting going to be late home
it. tonight?' Cyril Bixby
'Here,' he said `Try it said still washing his
on.' He leaned hands.
forward and draped 'No.'
the thing around her 'It'll probably be at
neck, then stepped least eight-thirty the
back to admire. `It's way things look at
perfect It really suits the moment. 'It may
you. It isn't everyone even be nine.'
who has mink, my 'Yes, all right.
dear.' 'No, it isn't.' Good-bye.' Mrs Bixby
'Better leave it went out, slamming
behind when you go the door behind her.
shopping or they'll At that precise
all think we're moment, Miss
millionaires and Pulteney, the
start charging us secretary-assistant
double.' came sailing past her
'I'll try to remember down the corridor on
that, Cyril.' her way to lunch.
'I'm afraid you 'Isn't it a gorgeous
mustn't expect day?' Miss Pulteney
anything else for said as she went by,
Christmas. Fifty flashing a smile.
dollars was rather There was lilt in her
more than I was walk, a little whiff of
going to spend perfume attending
anyway.' her, and she looked
He turned away and like a queen, just
went over to the exactly like a queen
basin and began in the beautiful
washing his hands. black mink coat that
`Run along now, my the Colonel had
dear, and buy given to Mrs Bixby.
yourself a nice
lunch. I'd take you
out myself but I've
got old man Gorman
in the waiting-room